Bye 2020, hi you

I'm still up to the same tricks as when I started in 2016; I just stopped defending my old bullshit and have a brand new, elite, high calibre story to tell. I still think I'm fat some days, this photo apparently doesn't agree. I'm size zero thin and it feels just like I thought it would- elite- because I figured it was impossible.

I don't believe that things are impossible anymore, things just come attatched with varying degrees of difficulty. It's not over until we win.

I've figured out why I just can't seem to make things work with guys: Girls are where it's at, it took over 20 years to figure that out. When you know, you just know.

Wealth, abundance and purpose is my new story. I was so broken earlier this year: my partner abandoned me overseas after I gave him everything I had. I did not have a visa, I was let go from my job, I could not afford to eat. I decided that I needed to change and over the course of 2020...quantum leap. I'm on my purpose and affluent as fuck.

Size zero is not what I imagined, obviously

Fast forward to the cusp of 2021

Since I was last here, France, London, New York, French Guyana and back to New York. New situationship that consumed me and spat me out the other end with a completely new mindset. One that is more powerful than before...Im still the same, just elite and unstoppable.

Yes and yes.

Anastasia Leung Lo Hing

26.5.2016 still fucked, just in denial

I feel kind of better about myself when I stay away from Tumblr. I hesitate to use to word recovery, ever, when it comes to my ED, because that means weight gain and weigh gain means fat, fat, fat. I've been going to the gym regularly and can really see how skinny I've become. I have some decent strength still, but my muscle definition is lacking, as is my energy because I'm still b/p. I'd like to deny that I'm still bingeing and prying, but I am. I've exacerbated the already terrible plumbing in my house, so I have to purge into plastic bags. It's so vile and disgusting....it prevents me from doing it really often, but, fuck, each plastic bag is between 3-6kg. It's not even real bingeing...it's trying to set normally and then not being able to sit with the discomfort of "fullness", so i purge. And if I "binge" and then "purge", I make sure I got to the gym twice--- cardio in the mornings and weight lifting in the evening. I'm so disgusting and hopeless. Some days I feel like I need to put on weight and other days I feel and look fat as fuck. On the plus side, my depression is lifting! But I'm still terribly unhappy with my self image, my body and my lack of self control around food. I want to eat normally, but I'm terrified of gaining weight! I've been able to maintain my weight at 48-50kg since March. No one cares except for me though. I'm not even skeletal, but I have zero energy and my teeth are falling out and my heart feels like it's going to fail me any day now.....10 years of this shit. But, depression is lifting....it's making being able to keep down some food easier than before. But, I'm still a fat ass ugly whale 😞

12.4.2017 update, update

I've not updated in forever....I guess I feel better when I'm not on Tumblr 24/7. Also....I woke up randomly one day last week and just felt "different". I didn't feel miserable, I felt a little bit happy, I felt a bit scared. I think this depressive episode is finally coming to an end. I'm looking at my body and wondering what the fuck I've done to it. I have the motivation now to workout as much as I'd want to, but I don't have the energy. I'm skinner than I've ever been in my life, but feel fatter at the same time. The plumbing in my house has officially gone to shit and I reckon it's my fault. It's pretty disgusting. I'm still purging, but not as often and always into a plastic bag--- sexy. I put one if my purge bags on the scales and the last one weighed in at 6kg. WTF. I'm so gross. Seriously. I'm not really concerned with my weight anymore. 80% of the time I feel like I look boney. Boney for my body shape and size....and it's kinda gross. I'm way unhappier now that I've reached my second goal weight. There's no point in losing anymore weight, not I've been trying, because NOBODY cares. No matter the number on the scale....it doesn't bring me endless joy. I'm not suddenly popular or more confident or sexy. I'm weak as fuck and I look disgusting.....but it's terrifying to think about eating normally again. I eat, I purge, i go to the gym, I eat, I purge and I go to the gym. I'm practically burning off everything I absorb. I've also been away from tumblr because people annoy me. There is a lot of false info circulating around and people seem to just believe it without doing their research. Negative calorie foods do not exist. Just because you are eating at x deficit, does not mean that you will lose x amount of weight per week. The majority of exercise recommendations do not burn anywhere near as many calories as they say. Mental illness is not romantic. Eating disorders come in many different shapes and sizes. People will more than likely not know what to say when they see self harm scars or hear about ones mental Illness struggles. People will probably think you're stupid for having an eating disorder because it's such a foreign concept. This is all highly personal stuff, you have to choose carefully with whom you disclose personal information. My depression is lifting and so is my level of self hatred. My previously beautiful body is now just a disgusting collection of skin and bones. That's mental illness....you are either too much or not enough.

27.4.2017 feeling The feelings

Today I felt a new feeling. I felt something other than sadness or misery or hopelessness. It was somewhere in between happiness and motivation. I smiled and laughed today. I did sleep in until quite late, but I had no problems leaving the house. Got my errands done, put the washing away and tidied up the house. Then I read my friends new book, from cover to cover, while I drank wine.

I even ate something and didn't purge.

I felt like a normal person today. It was scary. WTF? Depression, what?

I don't know or care about whether her booty is "real" but the fact that it has imperfections just like mine, is reassuring. I don't know if this photo has been retouched or if all of her other photos have been retouched, but props on the booty.

Kim and Steph in Mexico on the weekend

26.4.2017 ((((yawn))))

I'm bored of myself. This whole liquid diet is pointless--- I'm already bored of my options. I'm eating out of boredom because it's the easiest thing to do. I thought that perhaps a big part of my unhappiness had to do with my physical appearance. I fixed my hair, got new clothes, tried getting back into fitness, etc. But it all goes a lot deeper than that. I feel dead on the inside and have no motivation to do anything apart from behaviours that blunt the feeling of having to exist. My life is fine, close to perfect, even. But I'm unhappy because I'm depressed and no matter what I do....it.doesn't.want.to.go.away. Tired of it. I slept all day today and I'm still tired. I WANT to do stuff, but it all seems pointless. I did a quick body check in the well-lit bathrooms of the supermarket and I don't need to lose anymore weight. It's not going to fix anything. So there's that. It made me smile a bit. Then I bought a couple of drinks and sat on my motorbike smoking cigarettes and drinking Smirnoff Midnight. I'm meant to go out with a friend on Friday. I half want to cancel, but half want to go...maybe I'll get in a fight and get punched in the face and get a black eye or fall over and break my arm. Then I can forget about all of this emotional turmoil stuff!

25.4.2017 Fed up

I think I reached a point yesterday where I finally got tired of my own shitty behaviours and decided to make a change. Yesterday evening I decided to start a liquid-only diet to get rid of the “heavy” feeling in my stomach and to avoid as many situations as possible that could lead to purging. I need to get used to idea of feeling full, but also keeping restricting; because one step at a time.

I’ve never taken laxatives before, but figured they would help get things moving along and “clean me out”. I started with a normal dose, but then nothing happened some hours later, so I took more. And WORST DECISION EVER. I was up all night sweating and cramping and seeing stars and nearly blacking out repeatedly. There didn’t seem to be much to get rid of to begin with. I thought that that was going to be the way I died.

I consumed liquid/non-solid food from 3pm onwards and realised that I eat out of boredom and out of a futile attempt to fill the big black void inside of me. I took clear soups and broths until I was overly full and then stopped. No point in purging plain miso soup or chicken broth….yet, that is. But it’s tasty and gives my mouth something to do that is low calorie. I might not be ready to go back to normal eating but maybe I'll be able to eat a carrot or a plain salad without freaking out over feeling full from vegetables.

it only takes 7 minutes for your body to overcome hunger pains. that’s 420 seconds. would you rather take the pain for the next 7 minutes or hate yourself for the next 7 hours for giving in?

your voice in my head (via eisprinzess-in)

BULLSHIT. If I don't eat something or b/p, I have hunger pains 24/7.

I wish I coul wear bathers and smile. Always too busy thinking that people think I'm too fat and gross to expose so much flesh. Goals.

Source

23.4.2017

I went out and did something social today. I met up with my Pilates instructor for a drink at a newish place in town. She posted photos of us out and I look fat. I HATE the photo. I had breakfast yesterday and purged it, and today I've not really eaten anything. I did drink wine yesterday and today, but food wise...I'm trying not to eat out of boredom. I've been doing that a lot lately...eating food to fill the sad empty void inside of me. I cried today. I finally decided to formally discuss a certain topic with the boyfriend because it was consuming me. Feeding off of my depression and fuelling my eating disorder. I had to get it off my chest, but I felt so bad afterwards. Like I have no right to express my feelings and possibly inflict discomfort on someone else. How dare I? I feel embarrassed and dirty and wrong and want to disappear or die or something. Ugh...I never cry in front of people. I felt so vulnerable, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. Can I just not eat so I can avoid purging? I feel ugly and disgusting today and wish I had the courage to die and not care about the aftermath. I reconnected with an old friend this week and I've been feeling too many feelings. We are so similar and it's hard to see my behaviours being displayed by someone else. Like, wow, I'm fucked up. It's been like a new addiction talking to him. Seeing my reflection in someone else is like looking at gore and being terrified, but also feeling compelled to keep looking at the carnage. My friend behaves exactly like I do and it's painful to witness sometimes. I guess now I know what it's like for other people trying to deal with my disordered ass.

19.4.2017 grainy night time body check I've been hovering between trying to convince myself to walk towards recovery because I'm tired of feeling like a lifeless human being and have to give myself a motivating pep talk before every purge, but at the same time, I use my ED as a crutch to help me survive this depressive episode. I don't know what else to do except wait for the cycle to run it's course like it always does. I can't take anymore meds than I'm already taking. I can't talk about my issues and feelings anymore than I already am. It's a waiting game and I hate it! It's so hard to force myself to do something enjoyable everyday. My ED is not the cause of my depression, but a symptom, but I'm pretty sure that indulging in my ED tendencies is not helping matters. I went for a long drive today on the motorbike with the intention of finding a new top, but ended up at the beach on a bean bag under a palm tree with a Pellegrino water and apple cidre. I stared at the beach horizon for hours asking myself why I'm so unhappy. There is nothing wrong with my life--- I have everything I have ever wanted or needed, but regardless, every year, my brain decides to shit itself. I can always recognise the warning signs, but I fight them and always end up losing. This is something that I still learning to come to terms with. Daily exercise, meditation, clean eating, journaling, regular socialising, perfect medication compliance, a healthy relationship and rarely drinking alcohol did not not prevent another relapse. I'm depressed and it's so hard to continue doing all of those things like this. Lately, I've just wanted to end it all, but I know that after I'm gone, my problems will just be passed on to family and friends. So, I have to solider on. For now, I'm working on reinventing myself. I've got hair extensions and I feel pretty fab, most of the time. Next stop is getting my underarms lasered, because I HATE WAXING!

My diagnosis oscillates between bipolar 2 and BDP. I go through phases where I relate to one disorder more than the other and vice versa. Obsessing over a new obsession is my thing! WTF is stable? That's a thing?

Perks of BPD

• unpredictable as hell

• obsessing over new obsession brings the literal Joy™

• what is stable

• lots of super cool meds B-)

• depression becomes The Great Depression

• i love my fp i need them in order to breath

• i love nothing, i need nothing,,

• needing no sleep

• needing all the sleep

• we dont feel the emotion, we are the emotion

• discovering Today’s Personality™

• i am the most flawless being

• i want this mirror out n goNE NOW

• this current emotion is the only emotion

• disassociated so im only physically here rn please don’t try to make me speak

• we can choose to not actually hear you

• its 5 am but im not tired ????

Story of my life.

do you have those memories that are really cringey and you never speak of and something triggers the memory and you want to fucking wash your brain out with bleach

I say this with no hate at all. But if you are lifting weights and restricting your body will eat at your muscles first. Your body will eat your muscles first, because it gives it more energy. Basically you're gonna end up losing muscle and your body is gonna cling to any fats. The only way to gain and maintain muscle is too eat more or drink lots of protein shakes

Yeah I know. I’ve trained for fitness competitions before. I will not gain muscle while eating barely anything, but my ED has come back with a vengeance. Just trying to slow down muscle atrophy because I still can’t decide whether bones or muscles are my goal.