This looks a lot like the ones I send. I still can't figure out why I don't get hired.

Cover Letter: “Wine Making Paid Internship”

Part of a series where I write cover letters for job postings that catch my eye.

Dear Hiring Manager at “Wine By Joe” Winery in Dundee Oregon (probably “Joe”?):

I am writing to apply for the “Wine making paid internship” position, as posted on Craigslist in the “skilled trades/artisan” as well as “general labor” boards. First of all, I am very excited that this job is both skilled AND general in its content, because I am skilled in certain ways, and more “general” in others. I contain multitudes, and hope you will consider me for this position.

I am a 27-year-old comedy musician currently residing in Southeast Portland with my boyfriend. I am talented in “knowing what things nerds like,” as well as “somehow making ordering a margarita an extremely awkward experience for everyone involved.” Those things are pretty hard for some people, but to me they come naturally.

I feel like I should say at this time that I do not like wine. I think it’s gross. I already feel sort of guilty about drinking alcohol, because I was raised religious and many of my family members are in temperance leagues because of the sinful nature of alcohol. Since alcohol is, under religious doctrine, one of those “sinful” things that “feel good but aren’t good in the ‘holy’ sense,” it seems super ridiculous to me that people would drink alcohol that tastes bad. If you’re doing something simply for the sake of feeling good, wouldn’t you want an alcohol that tastes good, like Tequila or Mike’s Hard Mango Punch? I believe that my ambivalence, or even strong dislike, toward wine will make me a valuable member of your team, as I will have an objective view toward the position and will never even think about sampling the product. I think my negative attitude toward your product will also spur some fun discussion, as I can provide an alternate viewpoint—a “Devil’s Advocate,” if you will.

It says in your job description that you will train interns in the skills of the winery, everything from forklifting to processing fruits, “punch downs” and running pumps. I don’t know what all of those things mean, but I would rather have the roles be a surprise, since it seems like it might be pretty dull. If I already know what to expect, I might get bored and leave the first day. I am interested in learning new things as well as making some money doing so, because I need to buy some more tequila as well as pay my rent, and new skills will make me more marketable to get a real job I’m actually interested in after this internship, in this competitive job market.

I would like now to address the requirements of the job and how I fit them.

- Long Hours—any time spent in a winery will seem long to me because I dislike the product, so working long hours should not even phase me.

- Climbing Ladders—it sometimes takes me a little while to get my courage up to climb a ladder, but I have actually sealed the deal about 75% of the time I’ve been called upon to do so.

- Being Hot—this is sexist and weird.

- Being Cold—oh, you mean temperature-wise. Sure, that’s fine. My natural style involves wearing layers.

- Lifting and Cleaning Heavy Things—ugh. Sure.

- A Good Attitude Through It All—I’m a comedian and performer, technically, so perhaps I can life everyone’s spirits by playing a tune on my guitar while everyone else does work. This seems like a skill I could contribute without making anyone unhappy. I know “Danny Boy” and could change the words to be about wine.

Thank you very much for your consideration. My resume is visible at linkedin.com/profile/087743/Angela.W04H.02/index.html. Please contact me via email or text. I will not pick up if you call and I don’t know how to check my voicemail, for moral reasons.

I am ready to begin work now, as long as I can have weekends and some weekdays off when my band is playing.

Sincerely,

Angela Webber

Wait...what? How do politicians think that this is the right thing?

and this is why I learned to stop reading books I hate.

Be Still My Vampire Heart: I am drunk.

HEY KIDS.

So, Slytherinmistress (Kristin) and I have teamed up to take on chapter 19 and beyond of Be Still My Vampire Heart.  We’ve already had a shot of rum each. …This post might not be the most coherent.

LAST TIME, IN BSMVH: THEY GET CAPTURED. THIS TIME, IN BSMVH: I GET DRUNK. 

CHAPTER 19, BITCHES!

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So many words...all the words.

George R. (R.) Martin

Fantastic Four #20 (1963)

Funny is funny. Dig.

I will watch the VP debate this year just so I can think about this the whole time.

Not saying, just saying.

Reflections on Spock | by Neil Gaiman (neil-gaiman):

I was six, and our au pair/live-in-babysitter, who was not around for longer than a few weeks, and was English, but had just come back from America, had this poster on the wall by her bed. I really liked her. I asked her to explain the poster to me, as I was intrigued, and she told me about Mr Spock, and that he had green blood. I stared at the poster, wondering how you could tell that he had green blood.

She also had a copy of James Blish’s STAR TREK  (later renamed Star Trek 1) which she left behind when she left, and which was the first adult SF book I remember attempting, long before the show made it across the Atlantic to the UK.

It’s odd and nice to think that my experience of adult SF started with this poster.

No matter how jaded I get about sequels, more Toy Story will always make my heart warm.

First images from new Toy Story short

The first images from the latest Toy Story short have just gone online, with everyone’s favourite cowardly dinosaur Rex taking centre stage in the brilliantly named, Partysaurus Rex…

Bad literature is appalling. I just...I'm just glad I don't have to read this book...ever. I am, on the other hand, slightly upset that someone in the world got paid to write it.

Be Still My Vampire Heart: CONSENT IS NOT OVERRATED.

LAST TIME, in Be Still My Vampire Heart: A staggering amount of racism!

This week:  Well… I made this face:  

Also that is the least attractive photo of me ever.

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Trek in the Park is perfect entertainment for a summer’s evening. If you asked Spock, he’d estimate the statistical likelihood of the show being great fun at greater than 99 percent.

Boldly Go … to Trek in the Park | by John Patrick Pullen - Portland Spoke (via arashikami)

See! People have been smart for a long time. It's just taking the idiots a long time to catch up.

It's much more fun to make a really awkward face when you do this.

Spotting the boom mic - one of life’s greatest pleasures. You can practically read the brand name on this one in Trancers.

Oooo it's pretty

Marvel is proud to present your first look at CASTLE: RICHARD CASTLE’S STORM SEASON, an all-new hardcover graphic novel inspired by the popular “Castle”television series, and based on the best-selling novel by Richard Castle! In this “adaptation” of Derrick Storm’s second novel, the private investigator is hired to find a missing a woman—but what should have been a routine mission quickly spirals out of control when Storm overhears the woman’s terrifying scream on the wire. Plagued by the victim’s helpless cry, Storm—despite an ominous warning—investigates.  Soon, he’ll discover an international conspiracy reaching further than he ever imagined—and perhaps the truth about Clara Strike, a CIA agent the world thinks is dead! The blockbuster writing duo of Brian Michael Bendis and Kelly Sue DeConnick reunite for their second Castle story along with red-hot artist Emanuela Lupacchino in CASTLE: RICHARD CASTLE’S STORM SEASON, on sale in comic shops, the Marvel Comics app, iBookstore, Nook Bookstore and everywhere books are sold on October 15th, 2012.

CASTLE: RICHARD CASTLE’S STORM SEASON PREMIERE HC (JUL120637)

Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS & KELLY SUE DECONNICK

Art by EMANUELA LUPACCHINO

Cover by DUSTIN WEAVER

Rated T+…$19.99

ON SALE OCTOBER 15, 2012