the-healing-healer-blog
Healing myself, body & mind.
I'm a doctor, fighting my own anxiety, depression and burn out (lately) on a daily basis. Logging my personal journey here as I attempt to heal myself. Since people experience similar situations all the time, perhaps reading my posts can help others.
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The First Milestone
Over time I have realized that the key to happiness is celebrating the smaller things in life.
Today I have completed seven consecutive days without nicotine.
I was not a chain smoker ever. In college or even later, I would hardly smoke a couple of cigarettes a week, that too in social situations. As I started to burn out in my professional and personal lives (I've shared some of it in my earlier post), I started smoking more regularly. While I never smoked more than six cigarettes a day, I was aware that ideal number should be zero. I just couldn't give up because I had grown dependent on nicotine, psychologically and physically.
Every advice I got was to gradually wean off - to decrease the number of cigarettes first and then, stop smoking altogether and move on to an alternative source of nicotine until I could totally shake off my chemical dependency. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I could vow to reduce the number of smokes per day by half but once I would start smoking, my resolve would crumble. I decided to go cold-turkey, so to speak. So last Sunday I smoked six cigarettes, emptied the carton and threw it away and did not buy another pack after that.
I will not lie. It was difficult and more than once I was too close to giving in to temptation. Perhaps the only motivating factor was my stubbornness that I would emerge victorious over my urges.
Once I regain my focus, perhaps I will write in detail how I kicked my habit to the curb. For now, I'm savouring my sweet victory! I still have a long way to go.
Cheers!
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The Moment of Truth
Here I am on a personal blog, trying to pen the chronicles of my life.
It is a long story and while I intend to share it, I am too tired to narrate the chain of events that led me to this point of my life. It's too overwhelming for me at present. Let me just start by saying that I am a medical doctor by profession but I also happen to be a person with chronic depression for as long as I can remember and anxiety since 2005.
My life has been through ups and downs, just like the life of any other human being. However, in 2017, I joined a postdoctoral fellowship in one of the most reputed institutes of my country and sadly, it has sucked my soul dry. The environment was hostile and discriminatory and a few people in power, who were incompetent, acted cruelly to hide their own lack of knowledge.
As a result, nine months into my fellowship, I suffered a severe burn out. I lost all of my ambitions and even turned suicidal as my underlying depression flared up. I finally resigned as I could see that the direct harm that this fellowship was causing to my mental and physical health was far dangerous than any of the potential achievements I would have upon finishing my tenure. I absolutely dreaded to continue for fifteen more months.
When I left this apparently prestigious course, most people I knew were incredulous. They could not believe that I would leave a position that so many want but do not get. My parents were also livid. Many of my family members concluded that I was too lazy and not worthy enough.
Needless to say, my mental health has been on a downward spiral since then. Since resigning, I have joined a medical college in the field of medical academia and have been better off in terms of peace in my professional life.
To make matters worse, I entered a relationship with a person who turned out to be abusive. It ended in a bitter break up.
Since June 2018, I have been in a downward spiral. I have been on antidepressants but I also got addicted to nicotine. While I used to smoke once in a while before, now I started chain smoking. Depression also drained out all of my energy and I turned into a sloth with no physical exercise. I gained weight. Running on caffeine, nicotine and junk food, getting overweight and dependent on antidepressants - I have been slipping a lot. I turned into a twitching zombie, if that makes any sense to you.
Life has been kind to me too. Last October, when I was in the deepest pit of despair, I met someone who turned out to be a decent human being. We are alike on many fronts and unlike many other people in my life, she is not merely attached to the idea of what and how I should do professionally as a doctor. She supports me to the fullest and encourages my interest in teaching. She is the one for whom I feel motivated to straighten myself.
Finally, the moment of truth announced itself when I was looking for an old book on my shelf and stumbled upon a book on mindfulness meditation instead. The book had helped me a lot before, shaping my personality and helping me through stressful times such as MD finals. I looked around myself this time with the book in hand and all I saw was my cluttered, disorderly room reeking of cigarette smoke, unmade bed since morning and myself, groggy from medication the night before, excessively caffeinated and twitching and overweight, tired and irritated.
Here's to a new beginning of me reclaiming my life - being more organized and less dependent on chemicals, being active and more healthy in general.
Here I am with a job, which may not be the one I had envisioned for myself five years ago but I love nonetheless. I am with someone who values me as a person. Yet, I had done very little to lift myself off the rut.
Now that I aim to turn my life around, I want to log my efforts and my progress on this blog, so that in my darker moments, I can come back and read my own posts to motivate myself.
Cheers!
- 11-04-2019
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