tessaapplebaum-blog
- (BLUE KNEES).
HOWDY HO, FRIEND. This is the mighty blog of the ferocious owner of DN Exotics in Brinkley, AR and resident of Cotton Plant, AR. If you ever need to find me, just ask people where the crazy animal person lives, because that's me. Animals are the bomb.com and if you disagree you're wrong.
Thy name is Tessa and thy pronouns are they/them. I won't kill you if you slip up, but I will be very sad and pout at you and, at that point, I can't be held accountable for how you respond to the devastating effects of the killer Kimura-Applebaum pout.
Pet count:
One axolotl
One crocodile skink
One caique
Two red-eared sliders
Two dogs
Four mice
Five bearded dragons
Five snakes (Three ball pythons and two corn snakes)
124 posts
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Conversation
TEXT || APPLEBITCHES (minus marisol)
DAISY: Nah, I think everyone should deposit their life insurance into my bank account but I've (begrudgingly) accepted the fact that that's never going to happen, so liquor is the next best thing. I may be dumb as hell, but I'm not dumb enough to try and take down Mari lmao I like life. You right tho??? I think that's just the universally accepted truth is that Iris is the best apple in the bunch.
TESSA: Okay, well I second that; do people around here even have decent enough jobs to have life insurance? ..I don't know how any of that works WHOOPSIE. I was really hoping to see the beat down of the century. 😢 Yes, Iris is the BEEst apple of the bunch. 😜😜
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TEXT || OPEN
BIANCA: Roger that. Anything I need to bring at all?
TESSA: Nah, fam. We got it covered. Just bring a gift for Mari and you're golden!
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Photo
@daisyapplebaum
Daisy & Tessa Kimura Applebaum
“Don’t underestimate us. Our family motto is that maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”
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Conversation
TEXT || OPEN
SCOTT: ...I'd be happy about getting condoms. Especially a 20-pack.
TESSA: You're a boy.
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Conversation
TEXT || ANTESSA 🐍🌠
TONI: Don't remind me...
TONI: You know what? I think he'd be honored. It doesn't take much to convince him.
TESSA: I SHOULDN'T NEED TO REMIND YOU TBH, JUST LOOK AT OUR TEXT HISTORY. 😘😘
TESSA: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. YOU SHOULD START USING HIM WHEN WE NEED TO DO REPAIRS TO THE STORE TBH. USING RESOURCES IS VITAL FOR SURVIVAL.
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Conversation
TEXT || TESSBE
PHOEBE: I'll figure out a way to fix up that darling heart of yours, I'm sorry 💚💚💚
PHOEBE: Please do! Just because I'll be missing the festivities doesn't mean I don't want to help, if you need food or decorations or anything. It's what I'm here for.
TESSA: See to it that you do because otherwise you will have to face the fact that you killed my spirit and that, dear Phoebe, is a crime against humanity.
TESSA: ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
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TEXT || ANTESSA
TONI: How the hell did you manage to get the royal suite? I know you don't make that much.
TONI: You realize that we're all adults and surprise parties are for kids, right?
TESSA: The really naive Motta has a thing for Mari, so it wasn't even hard tbh.
TESSA: do you want to get yourself uninvited
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Conversation
TEXT || APPLEBITCHES (minus marisol)
DAISY: Honestly, yes???? That poor child. She sounds like she needs liquor, we'll fix that. Actually, I KNOW I couldn't get Mari on the ground, but now I feel the need to try except like... not die in the process, you feel??? If it was literally anyone besides Iris, I'd be offended tbh.
TESSA: You think everyone needs liquor.... What she really needs is a scaly companion. Go for it, but make sure you let me know beforehand so I can record the epic smackdown that'll occur. Yes, because they are the sibling of the year and it's impossible to contest.
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TEXT || OPEN
SCOTT: I am taking it seriously?
SCOTT: It wouldn't be the only thing I'd bring? Jeez.
TESSA: Condoms are not a gift, so it'd better not be.
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TEXT || APPLEBITCHES (minus marisol)
DAISY: 🍎 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
DAISY: Poor thing. I'll figure out what her drink of choice is and make sure to hook her up. Bitch ain't pouring anything down my shirt, I'll fight her to the ground and then cry and make sure she's not hurt. Boom, bad ass bitch and sister of the year, all rolled into one. You got it.
TESSA: Are you impressed that someone is worse at this than me? Because I am. LOL do you really think you could get Mari on the ground? That is so funny and I'm going to send her these screenshots. Idk why you think you're sister of the year when that title clearly goes to Iris, but okay!!
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TEXT || APPLEBITCHES (minus marisol)
DAISY: PLEASE you're stuck with me for the rest of forever. Suck those tears right back up into your eyes, sweet applebitch o' mine.
DAISY: .............I mean obviously she's invited, pls tell me you let her know that for sure. YOU RIGHT THO. If we're going to party, I want something better than knock off queso dip and Tostitos schoops, I'm on it.
TESSA: DARN RIGHT I AM. Apples to apples to apples for the rest of eternity.
TESSA: I did!!!!! I was like, 'if you're asked about a gift when you show up let them know that it's not necessary!!' and she was like 'OMG IM INVITED THANK YOU????' Marisol would laugh in your face if you presented her with knock off queso, and then she would pour the hot cheese down your shirt, so I would say that is definitely a good plan.
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TEXT || OPEN
SCOTT: I've got a box of 20 condoms, do you think she'd like that?
TESSA: This is my sister's birthday so you'd better take it seriously pls and thanks.
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TEXT || CYRUS
CYRUS: What I mean that, when I first read the text, I wasn't gonna go but then I changed my mind.
TESSA: Pal, you realize you don't have to narrate your train of thought in texts, right? The point is that you give your final answer, ja feel?? That's the only way my texts are shorter than my in-person conversations.
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TEXT || APPLEBITCHES (minus marisol)
DAISY: Cried in laughter or distress bc those are two totally different emotional responses.
DAISY: Well, you invited her to join too, right? Justify it like this is her birthday present to Mari, she probably wouldn't offer unless she seriously wanted to. Also, how much of a bitch am I for seeing if we can't get catering out of the deal too?
TESSA: akfjadkfjdfkjfka tears of distress???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
TESSA: OF COURSE I'M NOT A MONSTER??? She did assume originally that she wouldn't be invited, how sad is that?? You're already a bitch, so why do you care? You can text her about that for yourself xoxoxo
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TEXT || Tesseth
KENNETH: I'm totally down to party. Do I need to bring anything for the party? I love surprises.
TESSA: Nope! The Applebaums and co. have it all covered! Just bring a gift for Mari and you'll be good~
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TEXT || OPEN
SCOTT: I'm always up for a good time, so I look forward to it.
SCOTT: Do you need me to bring anything?
TESSA: Nah, just a present. You're not allowed in without one. 🤷
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TEXT || TESSBE
PHOEBE: Thank you so much for the invite, but I'm not much of a partier plus I work Sunday morning so I'm going to have to decline 💚
PHOEBE: Tell her happy birthday from me though! If you need any help with things beforehand, I can lend a pair of hands.
TESSA: My heart is broken :(((((((((
TESSA: Ugh, what an absolute BABE you are. I don't know about it right now, but you can bet your cute lil' butt that you'll be the first person I text if I do need it!
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