#you're going to spend the next fourty eight hours on a drip and you will spend every minute wishing you hadnt made it that far
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#suicide tw#dear the me of four years ago tonight#youre choking down pills#first with orange juice and then with vodka once the juice runs out#you dont know it yet but youre going to find some unknown nugget of resilience and walk to a&e in about half an hour#you're going to call your mum at one am and it might be the worst phone call you ever make as you tell her that you are dying#that there are thirty one pills rattling around inside you and that you think walking to hospital might have been a mistake#you're going to spend the next fourty eight hours on a drip and you will spend every minute wishing you hadnt made it that far#youre going to search in yourself for any single thing to live for and land on sushi#if you survive this you will have sushi you promise yourself#you will come out on Facebook somewhere among eleven attempted blood tests and every time you allow a needle#you will think of sushi once youre safe#you will not get sushi#it will be nearly six months between now and sushi#but there will be sushi eventually and it was worth living for#you will learn to find joy wherever you can#you find work you enjoy and it takes almost a year before you can find joy in art again but you will find it#you fill sketchbooks now#cover to cover#and you sing and you climb and you spent this night#exactly four years on from sickly sweet marshmallow vodka washing down that last pill you spent the night with friends#playing mariokart projected on a wall and laughing as you lose#in the time ive taken to write this you will have started your walk#its the hardest thing you'll ever do but here's the secret#im glad you made it#even on the bad days i am glad that you walked because there are a thousand things ive done since then and theyre all thanks to you#because on the worst night of our life you found strength you didnt know existed and you walked#and then we lived#t
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