"being asexual doesn't mean not enjoying sex or not wanting to experience that!!" alright now shut the fuck up

Raphael or Isabelle? :)

Make me choose between…

First of all, RUDE.

Secondly, HOW DARE???

Third, you’re really gonna regret asking me this cuz I legit just spent a ridiculous amount of time writing a small essay. Because I will literally always jump at the chance to talk about Raphael Santiago and Isabelle Lightwood. Sorry not sorry.

Fourth, this is so hard. I’m sitting here paralyzed at my keyboard. Like literally. My brain is setting itself on fire trying to choose between them. Because on the one hand, Isabelle…Isabelle is everything I needed in a character. Here is this seemingly strong, badass, intelligent woman and she just completely breaks under the pressure of her family’s expectations. A woman, that is seemingly perfect, is in fact, not perfect. Far from it. She is messy and she is insecure and she doesn’t have her shit together. I…did not realize how much I needed that in a character until I watched her struggle with addiction. Plus, god, I know Em is not by any means fat, BUT TO SEE A CHARACTER THAT HAD BOOBS AND HIPS AND THICK THIGHS JUST OWNING HER BODY AND BEING ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT IN IT. WOW. I NEEDED THAT BODY POSITIVITY TOO. And? Even better?? Nobody? except her parents (mostly Maryse), shamed? her? for it? I mean, we see Alec use it against her when he lashes out in anger but that’s different, I feel than Maryse just straight up maligning her daughter for sleeping around. Like. Jace just explains it as Izzy being very comfortable with her body? Aside from the few times Alec lashes out, he just accepts it as Izzy being Izzy and he loves his sister so much. THEY ACCEPT HER CLOTHING CHOICES AND HER SEXUALITY. And for all the other complaints I have about Clary and Isabelle’s friendship? Clary DOES NOT SLUT SHAME HER EITHER. Do you know how rare that is to find in media? Like wow. ANYWAY, I digress. Isabelle is just a character that I deeply identify with and honestly she means so much to me, I couldn’t even put it all in words. AND SHE’S A WOC. LIKE…WE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE HER.

ON THE OTHER HAND, Raphael was the ace rep I didn’t know I needed. And if I hadn’t had his rep, I probably wouldn’t have figured out I was ace when I did. It was through researching asexuality(for a Rizzy fic bc yes, I am trash) and diving down into the rabbithole that are internet forums that I realized I wasn’t “weird” or “abnormal”, I just don’t experience sexual attraction. Because, while I had heard of it and I knew on a very basic level what ‘asexual’ meant, I didn’t realize that asexuality, in and of itself, is a very broad identity with aces coming in all different shades. I didn’t realize that just because I have had and enjoyed sex, I could still be asexual because I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone. And if I hadn’t seen that scene in 2x10, I wouldn’t have realized asexual fit me sooooo much better than demisexual, so soon. And it has honestly been such a comfort to have that label. To know that, there isn’t something wrong with me. To know there are other like me. To know there’s a word for my experiences. I have found a community because of Raphael. I have found acceptance. I have found a piece of myself that I can honestly say I love and am proud of. All because of one small scene with an asexual vampire in a fantasy TV show. HE IS A BLESSING WE ALL DESERVE.

AND IT’S NOT JUST EVEN THAT RAPHAEL EXISTS. That’s most of it, yes. But there’s also his relationship with Isabelle; an extremely sexual person that is proud and vocal about her sexuality. NOT ONLY DOES SHE ACCEPT HIM, NO IT GETS BETTER. She tells Clary that Raphael’s asexuality and their lack of a sex life, was what set their relationship apart and elevated it from all her previous relationships. I MEAN

[image description: a captioned gif of Isabelle from Shadowhunters 3x04 as Izzy talks about her relationship with Raphael. She is saying, “With Raphael, it was everything but that. He made me feel like I wanted so much more.” End description.]

DO YOU KNOW HOW HUGE THAT IS? Part of my fear of being asexual is a drastically reduced dating pool. I was afraid that allosexuals would not want anything to do with me because I couldn’t guarantee there would be a sexual element to our relationships. And then to hear Isabelle accept Raphael and even embrace his asexuality…it meant the world to me. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I know I criticize this show a lot, but god, they handled Raphael’s asexuality and his relationship with Isabelle so well. I will forever be grateful for them making the effort to represent aces in such a meaningful way. 

Wow, that got long. Whoops. And this is honestly just scratching the surface of their characters. Don’t even get me started on their sense of duty or their fierce love of their family or sense of style and OMG RAPHAEL IS BEYOND SMOOTH. LIKE HOW ARE THEY REAL? WOW. And I didn’t even answer the question lmao. So I guess…all this to say, that I could never choose between the two? It’d be like choosing between two parts of my identity. I just…can’t. I have an extremely emotional attachment to both characters. Thank you for this ask though, I didn’t mean to write an essay, I swear :D