#you have no idea how much I wish other types of magic existed cuz I really want to be a wizard but that doesn't mean there's no magic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

andthebeanstalk · 1 year

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Yo I don't know if anyone else is seriously bothered by this but those "good luck" posts where everyone goes wow this post really works you HAVE to reblog it or else you won't get the good thing that happens when you reblog it and therefore it's your fault if the good thing doesn't happen because you didn't reblog the post,

Yeah, those posts. They don't ummmmmmmmm

They don't work.

Like, listen, a little prayer of good luck to give yourself hope is one thing, but every single one of these posts has a comment that is like "this is literally magic I received life-altering amounts of money because of this post REBLOG THIS NOW." And assuming these accounts aren't just also the original poster emotionally manipulating people - And brushing over how foolish/cruel it feels to give false hope and additional tasks to those in poverty AND moving on from how absolutely shitty these posts are for people with compulsion-related disorders or difficulty discerning reality--

it feels to me that the more we make up magic that doesn't exist in this world, the harder it is to see how things really are, and the more it obscures from us the magic that actually does exist. Things like magnetism, electricity, human thought and connection, emotion, storytelling, machinery, fire. That's the sort of magic we have in this world. These magics are real and they can be manipulated in miraculous and terrible ways.

And maybe it's just the way my mind works, but if I am able to convince myself that a photo of a four-leaf clover has any amount of cosmic power over my life, then I am no longer looking clearly at my situation and what I need to do to change it. I am no longer able to truly see the magic that IS there.

I feel the same way about astrology honestly. I don't think it's bad to believe in as long as you're not ascribing it to unwilling people, but I personally do feel like if I believed the shapes the Romans saw in the stars made me who I am, then not only would I deny myself autonomy, but also I would miss out on the magic of the stars as huge lonely nuclear light giants indifferent to and ignorant of the lives of humans in terrifying and beautiful ways. I might even dismiss scientific discoveries that didn't fit my view. And I think I've seen enough of the damage that can do for one lifetime. (I am aware that I probably wouldn't have so many problems with astrology if I wasn't a furious ex-Catholic. But again, there's nothing wrong with faith as long as you're not slapping it onto other people.)

But, gods, I hate these fucking good luck posts.

I am not poor due to the stars or the lack of luck-money posts on my dashboard. I am poor because I live in oppressive power structures that I hope to see burn in my lifetime. I need as clear a view of this reality as possible.

If you want to spread positive magic, you have to spread love and information and images/stories of a beautiful shared future that other people are invited to be a part of.

I'm a big believer in Hope. I believe hope is a sacred thing. But I'm not a big fan of false hope.

So in conclusion, if you reblog this post and then tomorrow something very lucky and seemingly unrelated happens, it had nothing to do with this post.

The only Magic will be the magic of unfathomably huge amounts of data transferring all across the world instantaneously to reach you and show you words that came from someone else's heart and mind.

The only Magic will be however it makes you feel to know that if you need luck, at least one other person in this world wants good things to happen to you: I care that you are found. I care that you are loved. I care that you are safe. I care that you live long enough to find or be found by happiness and that you then live for a very long time after that. And I don't need to meet you to know that I'm right.

Know that I will spend the rest of my life working to build spaces where you would be welcome. And maybe you and I will never meet, but I happen to know there's a whole lot of people like me in this world. And I happen to know that as long as you are alive, there is a chance you will grow old in warmth and comfort, surrounded by friends. There is a chance that your old eyes will be crinkled at the sides with laugh lines. And that's magic. That's real magic.

#original #if I'm honest I think I made some of these points better in the tags of that one post I have about the cake #but clearly I'm processing something so #hopepunk #cripple punk #cripplepunk #good luck #magic #you have no idea how much I wish other types of magic existed cuz I really want to be a wizard but that doesn't mean there's no magic #i want Magic Missile but all I have is an autistic drive to see things without ambiguity. XD #too much false hope can kill a person. it's so irresponsible to spread false hope. spread real hope. tell the fucking truth.#there are things in this world worth hoping for. real things. tell someone they are worthy of good things. that's hope. that's good luck.#it's actually quite lucky to be unexpectedly told kind and true things. like finding $20. except my poor ass can actually provide it #not tagging this with astrology so people are less likely to yell at me lol #there's probably a better version of this post in which I cut a lot of the bitching at the start but hey I needed to bitch #it's my right as a hot bitch.#edit: ALSO another thing this reminds me of is how a lot of white women who practice witchcraft really want to believe that they #at some point in history were a persecuted minority. 'we are the great-great-granddaughters of the witches you didn't burn!'#like sorry no there have been no witches burned and no witches hung the horror of it all is that they were just normal women #white people are not the great great granddaughters of witches. we are the great great grandchildren of slave owners.#any narrative that leads us to forget that is extremely suspect.

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juhihuji · 3 years

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do u have any random facts or things about Depth of heaven and ur characters (sfw or nsfw 🤭) even if what you want never comes to light, I really enjoy reading the concepts and asks about ur OCs

Hehehe I haven't thought about the characters and their story in a long time, until recently...but I never put a huge amount of thought into them before either! I kinda just knew I...wished I could make something cool that had everything I wanted in that kind of game lmao. Even if it doesn't happen, I felt like I wanted there to be twists and secrets...if it never happens then nobody but me will ever know about them, huh! But, if it does happen then I'll spoil stuff for later! What to do...ah I'll share about it! But I'm giving it a spoiler warning for something that doesn't exist anyway lmao Also I'm not a writer or a scientist this is all wacky world rules ok xd also there might be inconsistencies idk I never wrote anything down I'll tell u their heights! June: 5'4 Puzzle: 6'3 Koa: 5'6 Adam: 6'1 Keizo: 6'7 Lloyd: 5'11 Static: 6' Cyril: 5'9 Holly: 5'7

In high school June and Puzzle were da weeaboos who listened to vocaloid on their phones at lunch. Puzzle wore cat ears, big headphones, and tutus to school. I think....I decided that because of her old bad design lmao. I thought I had a drawing of her in cat ears but I can't find it 😔 June prolly just wore hoodies and graphic t-shirts. They were each others prom dates! June wore a tux! Okay spoilery stuff ahead!

I have a general idea what I want the story to be, but right now I just see it as disjointed scenes in my head. I posted some June and Puzzle wearing dresses where I wanted a scene to happen in a casino on the ship. Cruise ship casinos are kinda lame though lol, but it'll be as big and cool as I want >:•3 and it's an excuse to have everyone in cool formal wear cuz that's always fun! The cult leader calls for a big party on the ship and everyone has to attend! It's also where he culls the herd...because not everyone is worthy of going to heaven...apparently Koa likes playing video games! He's on the top of the leaderboard for one MMO, and during one event the top prize was blueprints for an in-game item: roller skates! It would make for cool merch to put on your wall or something. There was a rumor among the playerbase that the blueprints could make skates that function as they do in the game. Koa won the prints then used them to custom build his own skates (they look kinda generic now but I haven't put a lot of thought into their design lmao). The combination of materials used and construction give them a magical quality that allows him to skate faster than any human could! He's always pushing his limits, and sometimes it gets him in twubble xd Keizo has an issue with bad dreams...at night he replays all the times in his life where people were rude to him or each other, how he needs to keep peace between them, he just really hates assholes! He has nightmares about them treating him badly and there's nothing he can do, because at his height and with his strength he'd come off as the bad guy no matter what! They push and push 'til he's about to snap...then he wakes up! The rage super heats his blood and his skin glows red and steam pours out his ears! His hair is all wacky cuz it holds it's shape on the pillow from all the heat lmao June and the rest of them find out about it when they see steam coming out from under his door at night. Don't wake him up though! If he's still glowing hot he'll sleep walk while in a berserk state. First, it makes him really rude himself lmao. He'll say all the nasty things he won't when he's awake! Second, if he sees someone doin' shit he don't like, they're gettin' these 🤜🤛 In his happy ending you'd see him with his hair flat for the first time wouldn't that be nice :•3 Adam is always doing experiments on himself, kinda just for shits, kinda because he wants to discover something amazing....!.....?!?!??! When he was younger, his sister, who he loved v much, died. He wanted to become a doctor, not because he wanted to find a cure for the thing that killed his sister...because she died in an accident! He wanted to find a way to make people invincible! He's always injecting himself with stuff hoping it'll make him stronger. He likes Keizo as a friend, but to Adam Keizo is a perfect specimen of an indestructable human. Adam's been fascinated with him for a while, but Keizo also just makes for a good subject for testing against! Also, they met when Adam was studying abroad and Keizo came up on a motorbike and attacked the wheels on Adam's scooter. Cute! :•) Keizo used to be a bad boy :•( Other experiments Adam's done: Eyesight like a HAWK Cat ears but for real Jelly bones(?) Longer ween 😳 Lloyd is a stinky tech wiz who likes playing around with AI's and robotics! He has myassive myega brains and he monitors many of the functions of the ship by himself in his server room. When the captain is captured and thrown off the ship, Lloyd uses his know-how and special accesses to make sure the cult doesn't make a mess of everything. He knows about and can see everything that happens on the ship...for fun he likes video games toooo! And plays with Koa! He likes buildin' lil gadgets n tings for fun too! They can come in real handy! nsfw! Stuff past here!!!!!!!!! June, Koa, and Lloyd are all inexperienced!

As a lover, Keizo tries to be gentle...but once he gets into it he can be a bit rough! If you're into it, just enjoy! Or speak up and he'll slow down! Hmmm I was inspired by a scene from the film Crying Freeman (which I haven't actually watched 8•|) of some ppl doin' it in a closet(?)...it's all dark and cramped and humid and their skin is so shiny and glistening it's probably the thing that awoken me to drawing people super sweaty. I just can't help myself 😳 def wanna give Keizo a scene like that. This doodle was inspired by it actually lmao

Adam is patient and gentle! Lots of kisses and verbal reassurance and checking in w/ u. He's aware of his age and he doesn't wanna come off badly so he'll let you do all the pursuing. And June will pursue him hard if she has to! He's also gonna make you beg and ask, just so he's sure sure :•) He loves to sit her up on the examining table n do things wit his mouf n fingers 😳 I'd probably make it an option to call him daddy in certain scenarios...up to u if u choose it find out what happens for urself idk 😳😳😳 or don't

Koa likes to tease you, maybe bully you a lil, but when it comes to intimacy he's a wimp! I just like the idea of making the bully bend to your will, but he likes it. It just feels good to wipe that cocky smile off his face! Step on him! Make him whimper! I know June's a virg too, but Koa is just so easy to tease it makes it feel like second nature. BUT the more time they spend together, the more confident Koa becomes. So! Enjoy havin' him under your thumb while you can cuz it might not last forever! Lloyd tries to stay composed when June starts showing an interest. He's usually alone in his server room, but secretly appreciates her company when she comes by. At first he'll act like he's too busy. He's not used to being around women! As his interest in June grows it becomes harder to hide his feelings! So June notices...and teases him! Cuz it's just so easyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYY 😩 Seeing his serious expression crack when you put ur hands in his pants is lots of fun :•3 And he shows you a voice he's never shown anyone else before 🤤 He does his research and with your help he'll learn exactly how to worship u 😌 IF it ever happens there has to b a new game plus where u unlock threesome scenes with Koa/Lloyd and Adam/Keizo :•x That's all 4 now! Sorry I'm fuckin' gross and don't know how to type :•|

#the depth of heaven #koa #keizo #adam #lloyd #june #ocs #puzzle #text post

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rureikia · 4 years

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Chapter 1

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"Why me?"

"Because you're single and you're my life long best friend! Friends have each other's back, no?"

I stared at Sumiko and instantly shook my head to reject the idea, "Then I don't want my back anymore. I don't want to go."

"Ah (Y/N) please." She clasps her hands in a prayer pose.

A long, tired sigh escapes from my mouth, but she stays stubborn and chooses not to listen to my aspect of the situation, "Uwaaaah, Sumiko what do you not get? I do not go to those sort of events. Who do you think I am?"

Even after I had given her the belated answer she didn't like, Sumiko decided to lean on my work desk further and pulled a rare puppy-dog expression.

She's not actually like this, trust me. Sumiko is much more mature than me, but today she's extremely persistent in acting like a crazy aunt because of this silly little blind date thing.

"You're a bland person (Y/N), that's what I think. And you're literally only going as a substitute so you don't have to uh - date anyone," she explains, "Tag along, you might even enjoy yourself for once. You never have fun anymore, and it'll be like the old times!"

Her hopeful smile doesn't affect me, rather made my eyebrow twitch. Thus, I returned back to my computer screen and continued typing up work as a way to defocus my mind off her, "I don't know what you mean. Of course I have fun, I just don't really like blind dates."

"Goukon is fun though! And you're single."

Right, she doesn't need to mention that I'm single over and over again like that...

"Aha, but you said that I don't need to date anyone." I contemptuously reminded her.

Her expression changes from my words, "Oh, whoops... Yeah whatever! Well, the point is that our other girl can't make it, and we can't have one guy hanging 'cuz it'll be really awkward being the only partner-less one."

"Mm, I see."

"You know what? If you join, I'll even pay for all the stuff you order in the restaurant we're meeting at."

Oh actually, that's something I love to hear on an overworked Friday... Especially since I'm a person that will never be made out of money and buy luxuries.

This statement was the only part that caught my attention fully. Because it's free stuff. That particular free stuff being my hearty dinner for tonight.

I raised a brow as a sign of piqued interest, "Everything...? Are you sure? Really?"

"That includes drinks, yes..." Sumiko looks at me with a proud face, "Absolutely everything."

Smiling curiously I was beginning to consider accepting the offer, "Is there anything else?"

"What do you want?" She says.

For a second, I put a finger to my chin and looked up at the ceiling to hum a heavy brainstorm teasingly.

There was this one idea I had which was going to turn this into a sort of win-win situation for my remaining hours left here. And so I chuckled at Sumiko in this suspicious style whilst her smile instantly wiped off her face - a pensive expression replaced that smile.

Even when watching her quick shift of emotions, I kept beaming as my mind made the decision.

"Here." I said.

I had grabbed the four large piles of documents that were all 5cm thick.

Earlier, it was idly lying next to my computer, waiting for me to start on it. And now, I placed it in front of Sumiko, where she then gawked at me.

You know what made it better? That loud flop sound it made after being dropped.

"W-What?" She gasped.

"Haha, you can do my work."

With my clenched fist raised in front of my face, I furrow my brows in determination. She on the other hand glared at me with threatening intent.

"Thank you very much!" I said, "I'm very excited for this event now Amaya Sumiko! But take your time, do your best!"

"Why (Y/N) -!! You little rascal, you're taking advantage of this aren't you?!" She exhales heavily in disbelief through her mouth.

My chin moves to rest elegantly over on my two intertwined hands that were put up on the desk, "So, when is it? Tell me more, I'm so very excited for this. Is it after work? Seven? Eight? Or are we going wild and starting at nine? Which restaurant is it? "

"God. You're never funny when you do this." She pretends to throw the documents in my face, I however pretended to act scared by shielding myself with my arms. Afterwards, Sumiko continues, "I won't be the one picking the restaurant, but this other guy is gonna do it and he'll text us the location probably an hour before it starts at eight."

"Oh so in three hours to get work done?" I ask.

"...Yeah. I guess."

"Then you better get all that work done or else you'll be working overtime instead of going on dates haha."

She scowls at me and I grin with my teeth showing.

I soon observed her storm off to the opposite side of the office where her own work station was whilst I was still jokingly beaming behind her.

...

I went back to thinking of what could happen with me and the others over in that meetup. I think it won't go awfully too perfect for me, not that meaning I will be pessimistic about it. Ah I'll say it a bit clearer - what I mean is that I won't really be interested in finding someone there since I prefer to meet someone by chance and not choice.

Haha, to be honest... I haven't dated for a while or done anything like this. Well I haven't been in a stable relationship in general for a while. So I'm now kind of nervous...

I've been on a couple dates here and there but never actually got myself a significant other ever since my first real relationship. And it made me a little teary-eyed as I thought my first real boyfriend was probably also my... (sniffs)... Final...

I'd grow into an elderly person and not understand the concept of romantic love anymore as I haven't experienced it in absolute decades by then. Ultimately, I will live life as a lonely senior with dozens of pets to keep me company instead.

If you put yourself in a positive mindset, it sounded quite nice, living with animals until death. But I do not carry that positive mindset so it ended up not sounding very nice.

I did want to find someone before my parents send pictures of potential partners for me to meet and greet... In fact, they've already started - and no matter how many times I tell mom that I'm not interested at the moment, she persists.

Mom wants me to find someone, get married, live in a better house, be financially stable and add new children to the family tree one day, all that whatnot!

Of course, I know she's just worried about my future, but how am I supposed to find love if I basically forgot how it feels?

In addition, there was also this. My lack of feeling for romance is often what makes all the dates I've been on every blue moon, only be a date. Only one date, never another one again. I just can't seem to identify a sort of love with other people, and it makes me afraid about my future.

I guess another factor for my lack of dating experience may be due to my specifically high-level standards I have raised. Because ever since three years ago, I now tend to struggle to find a suitable partner that would make me feel as much emotions as my last one did.

After all, I can't lie to myself that me dating my ex-boyfriend was something I think during some of my nights, not that I wish to reunite of course. But I think about how it's a little strange that he's the one of the only people I'm not related to I've known for a large portion of my life and also the one I strived for more than my current career.

The most important thing to me is my job. But back then, the most important thing to me was him.

From the beginning of middle school, I've known him and I proceeded to get to know him at high school too. So in a way, we were childhood friends, right?

We lived in the same neighbourhood , him actually living right opposite me - we went to the exact same schools too, middle, high school and college. It was like we were meant to be or something haha!

Well... His name was Kita Shinsuke.

He's definitely the I'm-so-perfect-and-good-looking-but-don't-know-it kind of guy, if you get what I mean.

Kita was respected by so many people. He's responsible, always got excellent top tier grades, talks very polite Japanese, always was the teacher's favorite, was even captain of our high school's volleyball team and mentioning it once more, he was quite good looking too. For a bit, I kept having this stigma that his existence was simply unfair and unbelievable... He can do practically anything and wouldn't react that much as if he's some kind of snobby prince. But soon, when I observed him more, everything was done unintentionally and he was simply like that.

...

Often in stories, dramas or anything similar, two kids that live closeby, or have known each other since young are portrayed as something incredibly sweet. Most commonly called this concept of childhood sweethearts.

Two kids would routinely go to and from school together, possibly holding hands, picking sticks that look like magical wands from the ground, buying ice pops in the summer, blowing bubbles, they'd get told off by the elders, constantly spark up trouble together and they'd pet the stray cats etcetera, etcetera. These two would enjoy each other's presence obliviously not knowing what would develop in the future. Because once those kids grow up, only then would they realize what they share is a friendship that has actually been blooming into love.

I guess that's my summary of one of the examples of childhood sweethearts, but I have yet another one to mention!

Two kids in a love-hate scenario this time, to which I think is a little more complicated.

In this case, one party doesn't like the other at first. However, the other party would take somewhat interest whilst still not liking them too. So throughout time, these two will glare and click their tongues in irritation, not even batting an eye of respect at one another. And so their initial relationship therefore being rigid and competitive - but likewise, once they grow up and become more mature, they come to realize they're used to each other's presence so much that it's odd to not live without it! Suddenly they're like, (gasp) Oh!! It must be true love!!

Maybe if fate had given me a childhood sweetheart like that, I could walk around with hearts in my eyes like what you'd see in television shows.

But me and Kita weren't really like either of those.

We really and truly were just two separate lives that lived coincidentally close.

At my younger age, I'd be at home reading manga, watching Doraemon and singing the opening song for Cutie Honey Flash, as Kita would be doing all his homework, playing sports and helping around his house.

It was definitely during middle school. That's when I started to notice Kita a bit more. I mean to be fair, he went to the same school as me, we left at the same time and we also lived in the same area, who on earth wouldn't notice? And at some point, we were put in the same classes miraculously too.

He was for sure a very good boy. Always completed work to his full potential with that annoying photographic memory of his, often did lunchtime duties and was consistently showered compliments by the teachers! Gah! Wasn't fair!

He sat next to me in year 2 middle school which was probably the year I began liking him even more. Because I would turn my head and just see him and then my whole peripheral vision was also still just, him.

Kita and me never bickered at that time slot nor did we talk too much - come to think of it, I think it's either because I was too scared or because of his introvertedly noiseless attitude. Well, more or less I disliked arguing so I thought if I ever argued with a boy like Kita, it would end in the worst.

There was actually this one memorable time, still set in 2nd year middle school, where me and Kita were the ones chosen by the teacher to hand out the numbered vests for P.E. as everyone was going to join in for soccer. There were around 45 vests in total, Kita handed out a pathetic number of 6, then left to go play ball as the other boys asked him, subsequently leaving me behind to do the rest...

I was therefore running around angrily, trying to hand out all the remaining vests for everyone.

Funnily, the less vests I gradually had, the more I got angry since it reminded me how the one that handed the majority of these, were all me.

It was only when I finished handing them out and the teachers told us to find a partner to stretch with, I bumped into Kita again purely by accident.

Looking at him made me mad. At that second, I wish I had scolded or ranted to him or even thrown my numbered vest to his face to the very least, but we partnered up automatically and I had no time or build-up of confidence to do any of that. Instead, I just copied how he was stretching with a scornful face.

He was stretching with complete concentration adding onto this air of tranquility as if he forgot what he just did, and I was weakly doing the same whilst trying to keep my petty thoughts in check.

By the time I twisted my torso to do a different stretch, I glanced at Kita where he was doing a stretch with the opposite arm. And I stood there, watching him, with a slightly open-mouthed expression, similar to a fish.

I was baffled how he was wearing the same tattered and ugly green vest as everyone else in class and how he was wearing just our school's plain P.E clothes - yet somehow, the wind gently brushed his hair, the sunlight made his dark eyes brighter and I saw how he was noiselessly mouthing numbers to himself to count his seconds of stretching.

Similar to a movie, time stopped. Everything turned slo-mo and my heart had a strong twinge at the sight of him.

It was right then, that was the promising moment I fell for Kita.

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lilium-tenebris · 5 years

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So this is a long rant about Lillian’s morale code, the Crest of Lovicelle’s secondary functionality, and the nature of Grima in this weakened state and how it colors Lillian’s relationship with it. Under the cut cuz boy am I going to get going long on shit. Yeah, this is really long but it’s also really important so *shrug*.

So the first thing I need to make somewhat clear about Lillian is she is not objectively a morally good character, not even close. In her interactions she has been exceptionally kind and friendly (to the best of HER abilities) in most cases and that is genuine. But a nice person is not always a GOOD person in the morale scale of things. Lillian only obtained a concept of good and bad from the occasional children’s book and what not and so her grasping of it is very vague and her ability to understand the IMPORTANCE of that sort of thing is low.

She isn’t evil though, in a typical 9 alignment system she’s a type of neutral though that can vary which of the 3 from route to route. For example Crimson Flower being the only route she becomes OVERLY zelous about the cause itself she becomes Lawful Neutral with Edelgard as the ‘law’ so to speak. In the school phase and many others she’s chillin more at a True Neutral. With the exception of Crimson Flower, but this still applies in it, Lillian is Loyal to PEOPLE not ideals, concepts, a morale system, anything.

She has striven her whole life to be accepted, you would think being the object of worship of a cult would give that impression but it doesn’t in her case. During her time in the Grimist Cult she was ISOLATED, other than strange dehumanizing worshiping rituals she was denied seeing any of her caretakers for any length of time BECAUSE it would humanize her. They did not want a little girl they wanted a god.

Coming to the Church of Seiros was NOT much better for her, and though it’s objectively a step up because of the way it made her feel she views it as worse. Once her connection to Grima came to light and the nature of it’s energy being restrained by her she was simply dehumanized in a different way. She became basically treated like an artifact, a fragile urn with an evil spirit in it to be set on a shelf to keep the spirit at bay. Anyone with even an inkling of who she was or what was going on wound up treating her like the plague in order to avoid being the one to crack or shatter the ‘urn’ in this metaphor.

She was only able to spend time around certain people that way such as Professor Hanneman helping him with his research, yet, even there she felt as though that was because of her crest. She was welcome there only because she was an interesting research subject, once again, not a person, whether that reflects his true opinion isn’t known to me and I’ll handle that on a person by person basis RP wise, yet, in the end it’s how she comes to FEEL about it just the same.

Then this years students come in and she manages to connect with Gabriel ( @sol-chorus ) my other character. That helps, he helps, but, Gabriel has his own problems and struggles that make him biased against other students, the houses, and just the system there under based on his experiences with his own crest. Not to mention he is not AWARE of everything listed above as she has been ordered to keep that ‘burden’ to herself as it is ‘hers’ to carry. So he doesn’t realize when he talks down about her joining a houses when she mentions it he’s pushing her into this cycle of isolation he doesn’t know ANYTHING about it.

So that’s where she winds up by the time she is pulled into the 3h main story and conflict by SOMEONE from one of the houses reaching out a hand. In most cases (minus one AU) the students have no IDEA about who or what she is or where she came from and she’s treated as a classmate, a weird classmate, but she’s not the strangest one certainly. And the more the first half of the game goes on the harder Lillian latches onto her classmates, her house, the Professor etc. she is finally somewhere where she’s considered a person. However, warnings from the church sill put her back remind her ‘what’ she is and that juxtaposition of that still haunting her against her new friends and allies is maddening and it takes her minor bitterness towards the Church and inflates it to a silent boiling rage. To the point that she won’t go in the Chapel, like, if she was implemented int he game during no months of any free time, in the WHOLE game would you find her anywhere near the chapel.

In a route such as the Blue Lions, she at least comes to accept a church that is at least fully under Byleth’s leadership, but, she still has lingering resentment for Rhea (who survives) and the old church for what she was put through.

Of course all of that brings us around tot he source of this, Lillian was born a Grim Witch, she was born this Generations Vessel/Host of the weakened spirit o The Fell Dragon, that has been falling deeper and deeper into weakness over the Millennia between this and anything else I’ve written for this lore. It will be centuries before the dragon’s soul can gain enough energy to even try to exist outside of a host again. This puts LIllian in a different position than previous hosts, it does not wish to destroy her, or rather it could not do so even if it wished because that would leave it right where it started. Instead it pursues a more ‘symbiotic’ appearing relationship with her. Because she has been able to hear the voice since she was a small child even when she was ALONE she was connected to the dragon and could hear it frightening and overwhelming as it was. As the conflict breaks out in 3H the Fell Dragon seizes that and Lillian’s new found attachments as a weakness. It may not be able to regain it’s strength and be rid of her but it can use her to decrease the wait time on it rebuilding it’s strength in the long run.

The Crest of Lovicelle acts as a simple magic attack increasing Crest for mechanics but, it’s secondary feature is to act as a road a channel between the dragon and it’s host allowing the host to borrow some of it’s power. However, Grima being ultimately driven by a desire to break free in centuries hence and destroy the world as it is known will not do something like that for free. In order to use this functionality of the crest and activate it’s ‘Breath of Ruin’ factor. This taps into Grima’s base energy and essentially allows Lillian to disintegrate something, walls, people, anything lacking in the kind of divinity Grima possesses can be destroyed by the dragon’s raw ruin factor. However, in order to open IT’S end of the channel Grima requires one thing in return. For each time it’s power is to be borrowed through the crest this way, it wants a human soul. It does not matter who or from where any soul now is able to help the creature regenerate it’s power faster from it’s current weakened stasis. And the point of everything above is to say this: Lillian in some ways is not OPPOSED to using this power, sparingly.

If these people who have finally made Lillian feel like a human being, people who have accepted her are in enough danger she will cave to this offer of power time and again. If her back hits the wall and she can see no other way to protect her house/side she’ll pay the price, one enemies soul (or if desperate enough a simple stranger’s) ceasing to exist is worth the price of admission if that borrowed power will save those she’s come to love. The only thing that effects this use of it is how OFTEN she uses it, for example in Crimson Flower there is a very ‘ends justify the means’ attitude through that WHOLE route and I could see her using this not nearly constantly but maybe 5-8 times throughout the WHOLE five and a half year war (maybe once in the academy phase it depends). Where as in say an Azure Moon Route where that sort of thing may not be as ‘acceptable’ to her allies she may only use it once or twice.

This is more or less despite her reasons for it objectively evil as an action itself, someones soul CEASES to be, it is GONE, they are something worse than dead. She is WELL aware of this fact, don’t doubt that she is aware not only of this but, that each time she leans on the dragon like this, it becomes a little stronger and she damns some future generation a little bit more. She knows these things she understands them from an objective concept, she can write them on paper and explain them in words and yet-

She doesn’t FEEL them. At least not int he way most people would, she is not REMORSELESS not even close any time she uses this ability it shakes her and she may even isolate herself for a while to try and cope with the evil she commits. But she has a very ‘it had to be done I had no choice, i couldn’t let something HAPPEN to them’. Her allies are worth it, her friends are worth it, these people who would welcome her are worth any suffering, after all she was BORN a monster that is not going to change just because some people are kind enough not to see her that way.

That is what she believes that is what her ENTIRE rearing as a child has brought her to have resonate from her very core. Lillian is a very nice person, if you become friend or ally she would do anything for you to repay that kindness.

Emphasis on anything.

#❀ The Haze of Mind {Headcanons}#tw neglect #tw child abuse #tw cults

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overhotchoco2 · 3 years

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.*. Soft To Be Strong .*.

“The vulgar error is to think that love is a kind of illusion. It is the fault of bad poets who encourage this mistake. ‘I am completely enraptured,’ lovers say, as if somehow they were being deceived. When the affair ends, they say, ‘I have been stripped of my illusions’. When they cease to love, they say, ‘Oh. I see him clearly now.’ The reverse is the truth. The everyday world is shrouded. We see it dimly. Only when we love do we see the true person. The truth of a person is only visible through love. Love is not the illusion. Life is.” - D. Hare

Do you ever get this sensation that when you meet the one, it’s just supposed to work out? Little effort, and the effort people talk about (“relationships take work”) isn’t supposed to be that difficult, confusing, painful.. “real” effort. Not only that, but all your individual issues up to that point (baggage, walls up, disappointments, calluses) will magically go away when you lay eyes on each other or talk?

But in reality, I think some of us experience … not that. Meeting the one will not magically make you less afraid of the things you’re afraid of, magically solve all your “childhood” issues (basically, any issue up to that moment, really), magically make you a perfect communicator and listener, magically fuse together with another person’s habits, fears and different perspectives. No amount of knowing they’re the one will remove doubts about them as a person, your readiness for commitment, make life fall into place or even guarantee you’ll be together happily ever after from that simple fact. And some say it isn’t even a fact; that “the one” or “your person” (or to us 80s children: “soulmate”) isn’t even a thing, but a choice, which I personally feel it’s people’s excuses of ignoring all of the above (and below) to keep on searching for that perfection that is right under their nose. I do think “the one” does exist, but like I said, I also think it’s not a guarantee you’ll get to spend your lifetimes together, unfortunately, because - I think we have this idea in our heads that it’s not supposed to be hard. We think when they say “it’s hard work” it’s either not as hard as they warn, or that we can simply avoid it cuz we don’t need anyone else but ourselves. And that’s interesting, because some of the wisest, most spiritual and enlightened people I personally know, don’t quite agree; we’re social beings, and we’re partner beings. Being alone is not only not genetic, but it’s for the ones who choose to stay afraid.

And I can be quite easily put in this category.

But I want to go back to - we think when we meet our person, it’ll just flow and we’ll just be in sync and know each other beautifully and perfectly; finish each other’s sentences. Then we discover, if we’re lucky to run into our “one”, that maybe it isn’t so. But we’re kinda maybe taught that we’re supposed to; that it’s supposed to be perfect.

“Why do I feel with every atom of my being that I found the one, but yet it’s not fitting like a puzzle, and I still have all these fears, and are these my fears or theirs, etc. etc.?” is what we might ask ourselves. It shouldn’t be so hard, I shouldn’t be afraid, I should be elated and in a long honeymoon period - just a month, oh no! Run away! That means it’s not the one.

But “the one” isn’t about actions or feelings or sensations. It’s something you just know when you’re open to … well, everything. The whole Universe.

We all have heard the saying (and if not, you’ve heard here once or twice so far) that relationships take hard work; they’re not easy, they’re hard. How much do we really hear that and understand how hard the work actually is? And what type of work, too. I can tell you - not much. We just say it and repeat it cuz we sound mature, but we all think it’s not going to take that much work, or… and this is another good one: you’ll be magically inspired and excited to do the work. The person will be “worth it”. And then we get into a whole other issue of not feeling worthy when things don’t work out because one or both choose to keep looking or fleeing.

Where did we get these ideas, though? It makes absolutely no sense. You take two people who have been brought up differently, have different innate perceptions of life and everything in it… heck, you see it in siblings how different and how volatile those relationships can be, and they grew up in the same house with the same parents, going to the same school, etc. etc. And you expect, especially nowadays where people meet from across the globe, two people to magically just fuse and skip through a field without any problems, without any huge, major, difficult, excruciating problems in tackling those differences? Ever?

I think when it hits you, it hits you. May it be experience, may it be age, may it be self-work, may it be luck, may it be fate - I think when you get it, you get it. And it doesn’t have to be when you found your person. It can easily be before, during or even after. Those who somehow get it before, I think are the lucky ones. Those who get it during just in time, I think are also lucky enough. And those who get it after, I think it is unfortunate. I don’t believe when you meet your right person, you’ll want to make it work more, it will be easier or nothing can tear you apart. You can choose to ignore it. You can choose your fears, your doubts, your ego before it. It doesn’t make it any less true, nor false. When you find the right person especially later in life, I feel we have invisible, thick and heavy walls of baggage; we think it will be like the first crush in high school - all simple, straightforward, clear and doable - but it’s more like the Grinch or Scrooge trying to not be… grinchy and scroogey. If we’re lucky, we’ll try, but we may be so far gone in our defenses, we may not even try or see a need for it.

We think when we meet the right person, and I use “right person” for those that do not subscribe to fate and stars ✨ and aligned faith… it can be someone you choose based on some criteria, all logical and so forth,we think we can unload everything and they’ll love us unconditionally, even right away, too. That somehow they’ll just understand us. That we’ll understand them. If you’re christian, perhaps you know of Babel, and if you’re not, you at least know the translation software; and if you don’t know either, Google always has the answer.

As people, we live in this illusion that we actually understand each other when we speak the same language. I remember how in disbelief I was of Anna and Mursel - how can two people who can not speak more than a few words of each other’s language, know they love each other and they’re the one? As much as I believe in “ones”, I even found that one hard to believe, and you do start dismissing it and diminishing it “oh, it must be a scam. No? Well, it must be based on looks. Maybe not? Well, it must be because they can’t understand each other and they’re in love with who they think the other one is…” and so on and so on. But isn’t this just our jealous cynicism built out of calluses life’s thrown our way?

“Love is not the illusion. Life is,” as D. Hare says it. If you have been so deeply hurt by life and by love that you hold on strongly to your cynicism, then you can say this is just an opinion, a poetic movement and perhaps even that it didn’t work out too well in the play and it’s been taken out of context. I wouldn’t know of the latter, I don’t really know of either of them.. but when I saw this quote a few months ago, it clearly exemplified what I’ve learned, and I’m still fighting with every fiber of my being, even knowing this is right; surrender yourself.

This potential propaganda of some wounded people scorned in love- the more I learn about humans, the more I’ll say that it’s probably self-harm but they might not realize that - of how love is blind, or that one puts on love goggles triggered by mere chemical reactions for procreation in their brain… what benefit does it bring you to believe it vs. the other side? Because you choose to hold on to it or adopt it for you think it benefits you in some way. But I say - surrender is the true way.

A few months ago, I stumbled upon a song that spoke to me in a way no one saying the same message has ever gotten through to my core, to my ego, softening it to put its weapons down (or at least start thinking about it).

Marina - “Soft to be Strong”

“I know it's hard to be soft I know it hurts to be kind I know that when love is lost It's only fear in disguise

And I guess I've known it all along The truth is you have to be soft to be strong Finally, I feel the fear is gone I found out love has to be soft to be strong”

And my favorite part that speaks to my most hurt inner child:

“And I made myself believe Other people wanted to hurt me”

I urge you to listen to the song as it transmits meaning much better in its natural form.

This has been a long one, but it’s also been a while and it’s such a packed subject - I haven’t really even gotten most of it out on this virtual paper. But I hope enough to make you self-reflect a little bit.

I know there is a “one”. I know it goes beyond physical, mental, emotional attraction and it has little to do with any of those three’s logic. I don’t think I know that it’s a guarantee, unfortunately. But I don’t know that it’s not. Everything points in the direction that we can screw it up, or maybe as it was fate to find it, it was fate to lose it, or maybe we may never be able to shake off what is truly for us.

I have many regrets I can’t think how I would’ve done different, because how can you prepare truly for something you don’t know, never experienced before, can’t be taught, and at times you may not even believe in? All I feel I can do is be better now, and lean into whatever comes next. Yet, I still feel unprepared for any of that.

I wish finding “the one” would be magic. I wish it would be easy, everything would go right, both would choose to work at it and on themselves, at the same time, in the same way, with the same understanding. Not everyone out there with someone has found the one, and some are truly very happy. I think if you have, you’ll understand this message, but if you’re one of those, you might disagree with it or understand it differently. We’re all as clueless as the other, though. Who knows what the truth really is. All I can say is I believe every word I wrote on this virtual platform. I’ve felt all of it in a way words might fail to convey its meaning.

My life has gone through a lot of … a lot, these past few years. I may not have experienced everything everyone else has experienced, but not everyone has reflected necessarily as much as I have, either. It’s not a competition. Finally, I feel calm and awake and even happy. I’m grateful for how life’s turned out lately. Don’t think this is coming out of a bitter left-of-center feeling. I’m at peace. I’m excited most of the time about how much more I see now than ever, and also coming back to myself from who I’ve shed along the last ten years little by little. I choose to be happy, but my person is a real thing and with all my respect, love and peace in my heart, they will always be with me wherever life has yet to take me. I don’t know why. I don’t have the answers. I just have the observations.

“No shame in being sincere” - Marina

...and thank you to all before me through whom I can see this.

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gulescamisade · 7 years

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Minnesota: Day 4

JAKE: -Another night is going by, he's pretty sure. And he's so sweaty, hungry, and thirsty. If their captors had left food or water for him, Jake promptly turned it down as he felt was the NATURAL THING TO DO. He heard what became of those mushroom tests from LOWAS. None of this was exactly ideal... He groans miserably, rubbing his tum of awful hunger pains. The headaches and dry throat.-

JAMES: -continuing his meditation and fasting. Energy continues to be conserved and though he is hungry, it's not the worst he's experienced. He only hopes the fact that it's gone quiet these past few hours can only be a good thing. No news is good news, James tells himself. It's the only thing he can do.-

ROXY: =Things seem quiet..... she leans against her wall and tap tap........ who's next to her. TAPS=

JAMES: -The only one who is paying attention is James. Leans back to the wall and taps in response.-

JAKE: -curled up in a ball, having cried himself into another headache nap.-

ROXY: =Baby no........ she taps out [HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTT] in morse code then POOFs over into the next cell.=

JAMES: -sitting crosslegged with his whole button up and slack combos. Professional even in these dire circumstances. James looking a little haggard what with his hair out of place, but still alert. Ready for action if need be.- ROXY.

JAMES: ....I AM RELIEVED TO SEE YOU.

JAMES: YOU ARE NOT HURT, ARE YOU?

ROXY: =She's definitely been sweating but she didn't wanna flaunt her powers too much since they expect shit of her but... she can't just. Let them go without. Whoever else is here. She rushes over to him too= glad 2 see u too im fine

ROXY: u gotta grocery list? im ur gal call me target cuz wal marts 2 trashy and im the height of supermarket class

ROXY: not whole foods class tho thats borderin in2 pretentious

JAMES: -knits his eyebrows.- ...ARE YOU OFFERING FOOD?

ROXY: anythin u need that u can hide and food definitely

JAMES: -nods promptly- WATER. DRIED FRUIT. CRACKERS. PROTEINS. ANYTHING WITH NUTRITIONAL VALUE.(edited)

ROXY: gotcha =she finger waggles up a storm dropping two sturdy sacks of water, dried fruits in thin bags along with crackers and little bite-sized pieces of protein bars=

JAMES: -seems to be wiggling something out of the sole of his shoe.-

JAMES: -as it turns out, it is a single playing card. Flips it over the supplies as kind of single-slot emergency sylladex and stores it away.-

JAMES: I CANNOT EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE. BUT QUICKLY.

JAMES: TEND TO THE OTHER PRISONERS. JAKE IS HERE.(edited)

ROXY: =That's so cool... and a good idea= hope u dont mind me stealin ur idea.....

ROXY: =gestures to the other wall= is he over here u think? =taps??? TAPS=

JAMES: IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. -What with hearing him yowl up a storm before.-

JAMES: TREAD CAREFULLY.

ROXY: never but ill try =two finger salute and BLIPS into the cell next to James'=

JAKE: -lying huddled in his corner like a sad dog, his back turned towards the door. Something about the BLIP stirs him awake, however, and he begins to wake up. Squinting with a bleariness around.- ....Rock and rolloxy?

ROXY: .....baby...... :C

ROXY: i gotta make it quick but do u need a hug?

JAKE: -it even hurts to cry but he's doing it anyway, rolling up to sit.- Yes... 8'C

ROXY: awww cmere =quickly shuffles over to give him a big strong hug=

ROXY: tell me wut u need and we can work it out... idk where we are and idk how many of us are in here....

ROXY: idk where everyone else is

JAKE: -weeps into her shoulder. Two smelly baras hugging it out.- Ive no idea either. Its—

JAKE: Cant i know if my sons are alright?? Oh rox its so cruel.

ROXY: i... wish i knew jakey boy.... if i could id get us a thing to try n get in2 this system but... that needs time and theyd be onto me lol...... not lol

ROXY: but well get outta this mess

JAKE: -scrubs at his face, so blotched and red with tears.- Well... well bust out of here! I know we will!

JAKE: And when we do they wont even know what hit them!

JAKE: Id do so right now if you gave the word. -looks off.- Maybe...

JAKE: Someone can help us?

ROXY: maybe but right now we can help each other =cups his face and kisses his forehead= ROXY: ill go scopin later.... try 2 see whats up

ROXY: maybe i can find every1

ROXY: but rn tell me what u need

JAKE: -smiles for the first time in a few days, warmed by the gesture. But then remembers what he's doing.- Shit uhh—

JAKE: Water and substantial edibles i think is a good start. -rubs his sad empty tum.-

ROXY: its the best start =smiles back at him then gets to work just giving him the same supplies she gave James= just hide em when someone comes u kno

ROXY: prison smugglin drills

JAKE: !!!

JAKE: Cripes this is just like magic...

JAKE: ... -looks around his cell.-

JAKE: Where ought i hide it?

ROXY: mmm ..... i might hafta steal a idea i saw from james hes ur neighbor btw

ROXY: =focuses......... tries to make the one dump sylladex card= this might work i think slip it in ur mustache lol or just like somewhere discreet

JAKE: Holy moly! -accepts the 1 dump sylladex card if she manages it.- Is this what i think it is?

JAKE: -Automatically believing that it's a 1 dump sylladex card so whether she DOES manage it, the card is already what she intends it to be.-

JAKE: -giving it a look over- :D

JAKE: -tucks it into the safety of his back pocket. Sitting on it now.-

ROXY: =bless u jake= good beans bby

ROXY: ill be back sometime keep ur spirits up ok?

JAKE: Yes ma am o whamma! -salutes her swiftfly. His spirits are in much better places than they were before.-

ROXY: good! =poof, she's outta there=

JAKE: -brimming with hope now and makes swift work of these dried fruits. Chugs what he can of the water.-

JAKE: -wiping off his mustache, he feels his willpower RENEWED. Better than ever.-

JAKE: -And if Roxy can pull her magic off, why the blazes can't he??? Jake rolls to stand, channeling that spark of hope to manifestation.-

(DIRK): -he puts the MAN in MANIFEST. extends leg, here is brain ghost dirk.-

(DIRK): Hey, that's the first time you summoned me consciously and not as the result of a homoerotic fantasy. Good job.

JAKE: -jumps as his voice comes up but brightens his scruffy self up immediately.- Dirk!

JAKE: Brain ghost! Youre here!

(DIRK): Yeah.

(DIRK): What are you gonna do with me now that I'm here? -lol and then what-

JAKE: -swiftly whaps the ishades off his face.- Give me that!

(DIRK): What the fuck. -covers his face. DON'T LOOK AT ME. he's being ironic mostly-

JAKE: -thrusting them onto his own face. Instant computer.- Hoo. Alright now. I need to contact the crew.

JAKE: Mind if i hornswoggle you of your pester client? Of course you do! -logging into his account.-

(DIRK): My pester client is imaginary, but alright.

JAKE: Huh? No its not? -It's not, Dirk. Look at it working. How??? Magic is how.-

(DIRK): -fucking incredible-

(DIRK): -obnoxiously hovers behind him-

(DIRK): It's almost like you have the ability to make anything a reality.

JAKE: -typing frantically, heart hammering as it actually DOES seem to work.- Shut up will you???

(DIRK): A dude summons you into his realm of existance just to tell you to shut up. Nice one.

JAKE: -Seeing everyone online makes his insides lurch painfully so he's only half paying attention to BGD. His franticness making his eyes water again as in the middle of the message, the connection severs.- Its—

JAKE: Its breaking up! -says with his concentration fizzling.-

(DIRK): Well don't give up.

(DIRK): Do something about it.

JAKE: Im trying damn you! Cant you see?? -says, clutching at the shades.-

(DIRK): And I'm telling you to try harder.

(DIRK): You have it in you to do this.

JAKE: -practically choking with frustration and wills the last bit of connection out of sheer spite. The last message gets through before cutting off completely.-

(DIRK): ...

(DIRK): There you go.

JAKE: -He is just never going to stop being tearstruck at this point. Obligatorily hands BGD his shades.-

JAKE: -His vision is swimming as his hand drops, looking at brain ghost now. Dirk knows Jake loves him doesn't he? Of course he does, a voice tells Jake predictably. It's what he wants to hear, it's the truth that he knows deep down in his heart and it's what BGD was basically scripted to say.-

JAKE: -So why was he still so miserable? He's gotta ask anyway.-

JAKE: He knows i love him right? Id do anything for him?

(DIRK): ... Of course he knows that.

(DIRK): He's probably driving himself up a wall cuz he can't tell you the same thing.

JAKE: -wipes at his nose.- I miss him something tremendous.

JAKE: You would think dodging near death experiences on a regular basis would make this easier to bear. But it doesnt.

JAKE: It really doesnt.

(DIRK): They're coming for you, you know. -he knows this because jake has to know this.-

(DIRK): ... -offers jake his hand to hold-

JAKE: -takes the hand, too dried up to cry in earnest anymore. His shoulders only sag.- At least i have you.

(DIRK): You'll always have me.

JAKE: -keeps their fingers twined together but gives up once their shoulders brush. Just rests his head against BGD, tired all over again.- Jeez louise dirk....

JAKE: Youre always so.

JAKE: You.

(DIRK): It's no coincidence. -leans on him too-

(DIRK): That's the way you want me to be.

JAKE: Shucks. Then i must be stock full of good ideas. -lets his eyes start to drift closed...-

(DIRK): Must be. -yes shhh sleep. it'll get better soon. just believe in that, jake-

JAKE: -having close company to fall asleep with is infitintely better than sleeping alone. Jake has decided this here and now.-

#tankedGnostomaniac #practicalFamiliar #gunhardyTemerity

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