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wiw3 · 7 months

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Shame; Dialing In Complex Emotions Again

Put anything? You're sure? I can put whatever I want here? Can I even complain? Can I rant and bitch incessantly in order to achieve some kind of malformed closure? Is this healthy? What is healthy?

Is it healthy to get lost inside your head? That depends on how healthy of a place your head is to be. It depends on how you perceive yourself, and how much of your image you choose to inject upon the interior of your own head. How much of your headspace is an aesthetic you created?

Really, how does one behave correctly? Is it to live by example? To never crack on the off-chance you're in the company of someone who would eliminate you for not behaving correctly? So to that end, what are the rules?

You say to not be rude, that's subjective and relative to the individual. We say to not insult, or hurt, but that's subjective and relative to the individual. Do we just repeatedly find our tribes and distract ourselves until we've either got it perfect (for us, again, subjective and relative to the individual), or do we find another path?

It's hard to say. God knows I'm only trying to take an educated guess at the purpose of humanity. I shouldn't be grappling with what the purpose of humanity is at 22. I should be capable of enjoying myself, of finding purpose outside of writing and outside of tech. I'm feeling very boxed-in, and today's a very busy day.

How much shame is too much shame? How much self-awareness is too much? Is there such a thing as too much self-wariness? Can we metaphorically roll our eyes at ourselves so hard that they roll back into our heads and we're stuck that way?

Is introspection a permanent curse? Can you only ever attempt at escapism just to be "what goes up, must come down"-ed back into reality? We go up, we go down, some of us go up overall, some of us go down overall, but overall, it all ends with down.

So what's the point of blogging for attention online? What's the point in trying to find my tribe or distract myself when after all of this is over, I'll be forgotten dust? The answer is to matter while you're here, a pedestrian observation that loses all nuance the moment you say it.

Very few think through the concepts they're reading about, as they're reading about them. I'm sure this is cocaine to someone, but it's not cocaine to me. I'm addicted to creating, or rather, the sensations that come along with *having finished* creating.

Until I finish something this week, though, I'm going to be a burnt-out, creatively-drained, unempathetic mess. I need to make my bed, clean my room, eat better, go to the gym more, and discipline myself again, but investing in drugs and going on benders in my 20's seems to be the path I'm going to wind up walking. Maybe I'll stick with this weed habit.

A devil you know is better than a devil you don't. The problem with this particular devil and his particular lettuce is that I can't walk around high all the time. I'd love to walk around near-permanently near-comatose on weed. I'd be happier with a mainline to my femoral artery. I'm going to read this later and shudder, both at my desire to be perpetually-injected with something, and also at my addiction-issues, which are probably the most prevalent they've been, today.

I'd rather just write, and not think. Don't think, just create. Thinking is painful, avoid it at all costs. Don't think about how to create. Just create. Don't worry about getting away with it. Just create. Don't worry about taking care of yourself and those around you. Just create. Don't have aspirations beyond manufacturing. Just work.

I've got to go, someone's upfront and I'm running out of time to finish my monthly paperwork and I want a doughnut.

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