In a bizarre act of adulthood I finally have a beer/wine/oddities fridge

milestones!!

y’all i worked so hard on that shitty ass graphic design so you better read this

summary: relationships have important times that stand out (like firsts and special days!!) soo i’m bored and figured i could write what i think spencer reid would be like in some scenarios 😈😈 MUHEHEHEHE please don’t cancel or doxx me because you disagree with one of my ideas!! but i would like to hear more abt it 🙏🏽🙏🏽😏

(reader is afab for a small portion but mostly gn. also, please do not interact with if you’re a minor.)

meeting

when spencer first saw you he thought you were so incredibly beautiful (AND THEN WHEN HE SPOKE TO YOU HE ALMOST PASSED AWAY) his 187 IQ going poof in an instant just from hearing you speak, voice incredibly velvety to his ears. being up close to you made him able to take in your facial features. his eyes would travel down your face as you spoke with him, taking into consideration each and every detail as if he was analyzing a sculpture in a lavish museum. (he has a staring problem.) spencer seriously considered shaking your hand… like that’s how much he was drawn to you #what?? #zing

getting to know you personally/pals??

actually giggling bc this guy loveddd to ask you all sorts of questions. like he wanted to figure you out because he thought you were fascinating and you would be like?? spencer literally take a look at you? YOU’RE the special one… tf? every single time he could he made sure he learned more about you- almost as if he was studying you up bc there was a huge exam the next morning abt u!! he’d be so desperate bro like actual little kindergarten kid behavior on his behalf. im talking asking about all sorts of things from your favorite color or food or author. (also at some point definitely had matching bracelets or a “book club” between just the two of you.) of course, he was aware he sounded kinda silly, it was worth it. growing up he didn’t ever have a close friendship like y’all’s where he didn’t care what he did and was able to just have fun. thus, he rambled more often than usual because you allowed him to express himself freely- he found himself being able to show who he really was (rather than just masking.) he adored talking to his best friend, cherishing the conversations and always awaited the next one impatiently. (you would let him talk about like genghis khan and he would let you talk about like bagels) knowing you was a cure he didn’t know he needed.

realizing he is genuinely failing in love with you

this boy legit is a genius but cannot understand his emotions AT ALL. he may know why he feels a certain way from a textbook point of view, but he can’t really understand them all too well (maybe that’s just a me thing...) BUT one thing he did know… was that he loved you. he knew for sure that he platonically loved you, yes- but nah that man was falling head over heels before he could even realize. he noticed how he felt bored without you- even when he’s alone at his apartment which is literally his haven. he noticed how the smallest and most minuscule things made him think about you (he always found a way to tie anything back to you, duh.) also he writes about you SO much in his letters to his mom, bruh. it gets to the point where writing about anything else seemed like a chore. to him, the best part was being able to fawn over you in these letters. it felt so nice to let some feeling off of his chest. the longest part in the letters are totally about you and he writes in disgustingly prolific detail. diana literally feels like she knows everything about you- both your appearance (down to tiniest marks on your pretty skin that he described for her) and your personality that he loved oh so much (she loves you. like legit KNOWS YALL ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. ik she definitely knew spencer was in luv before he himself knew. simply because mothers always know.) he felt safe and comfortable around you #securityblanket jeezzz BRO NEEDED YOU. but for some reason he felt guilty for falling in love with you?? extremely self doubtful, of course, he settles for not telling you cause like?? you’re only friends? he feels so bad for seeing you that way and he feels sad like omg they will never love me :((

first date/kiss??

ideally, i daydream about it being impromptu. like i’m just imagining it being very intimate like maybe at his apartment and your playing chess or baking or watching movies or simply just hanging out for the comfort of each other. (it’s totally meant to only be platonic tho…)but y’all get a little closer and snuggle up?? you’re like… “spencer… i like you.”h in a little petrified whisper bc it’s scary to admit and he’s definitely like WHAT THE FUCK internally but on the outside he’s just starting into your soul with his own widened puppy dog eyes and is STUNNED. 😧 it gets so bad bro almost seems like he’s going nonverbal or having a shut down and you’re like FRICK UHHHH and you just kiss him 😜🥺 (need to have my y/n moment.) this literally ruins him like bro he’s mush atp and RED. and you’re like “OMG IM SO SORRY- i shouldn’t have done that i’m so sorry if i made you uncomfortable spe-“ and BRO CUTS YOU OFF BY WHISPERING WITH THAT ONE SWEET VOICE WE ALL KNOW N LOVE GOING LIKE “shh it’s okay, i feel the same way.” (or a sassy but caring “shut up”) he softly cups your face and KISSESSSS YOU like it’s so desperate and makes both of y’all’s lips swell and flush. it definitely isn’t rough or long but it is passionate and kinda messy. (bro was WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT he was NOT gonna miss out)

sex 🤡 *afab!reader sorry :( im not assigned male at birth so i would have written something super dumb and anatomically wrong . this is for your own good. i didn’t go much into detail, though.*

first time is after a makeout session which have become a habit. but this time y’all were READY. after an awkward little ask to make sure y’all both wanted to move onto this point in your relationship, it was off to the bedroom! you unbuttoned his shirt agonizingly slow as he felt himself growing harder and harder by the second. once you’re both undressed, he gulps like the loser nerd he is because he’s going insane by just looking at you. first person to make a move is you, gently guiding his hands to touch you. “you’re beautiful.” he whispered nervously as his slender fingers traced your skin. you would realize that he is very much loser virgin nerd so you’re like let me guide you baby. N HE’S LIKE UHH OKAY!!(you ride him let’s be fr that man isn’t gonna be able to top) def finishes early because he’s super fucking sensitive but you assure him it’s okay and he helps you finish soon after aswell. (in my head this is baby version of spencer and he’s very careful because he prioritizes your safety so i imagine he makes sure to use a condom at least for a while early on until he wants to try it without.) oh and the aftercare is amazing like he tells you facts to make sure you’re safe and he’s like clinging onto you thanking you like a million times every minute.

first time saying he loves you

for a decent amount of time BUT NAH. he knows he loves you, so why wouldn’t he tell you? it’s very early on, and he does it super nonchalant but he planned it and was working up the courage for so long like he was freaking out hit you smile and and time you love him back and he’s like… oh yeah. also addicted to telling you after the first time seriously cannot go a day without reminding you.

okayyy that’s all im gonna write because im already bored #snooze 😴 i wanna write fics but i feel like i write stupid as fuck so this is just me dipping my toes in the water 😳😈

hi!! your account is super cute & congratulations on your milestone!! i was hoping i could participate in your event, & request a romantic tokyo revengers matchup! i use she/her pronouns & im bisexual, so i don’t have a gender preference :) im an infp & cancer!

im 5’2, i have long brown hair & dark brown eyes. my cheeks are perpetually rosy & im fairly pale with a few moles dotting across my face. i tend to dress in very soft & girly styles, & i love to wear platform shoes because they make me taller and i feel cool ajdbdkwjje. i also really love doing makeup!! both on myself & others!!

for my personality, id say im pretty bubbly and excitable. i try to look on the bright side and try to cheer up people when they’re sad. im very affectionate with the people im close to, and i kinda cling onto my friends arms and hug them a lot. i love anything soft or cute, especially animals!! im kinda scared of bugs though, but i still always try to take them outside, even if i have to go kicking and screaming. i get distracted pretty easily, and have pull my friends off the track they were on so we could all pet dogs (they were so cute!!). i also really like going for walks, shopping, yoga, baking, and reading. i really like to look after people, but sometimes that makes it so i kinda disregard my own needs. im a bit of people pleaser, and i tend to look for the best in others! though i can’t really tolerate it if somebody is overly cruel or rude to the people i care about. im not much of a fighter other than that, though.

for the number, i pick seven! please & thank you!! remember to drink some water!!

hi hon, thank you so much <3 your request came in after the event was closed but i still wanted to at least give you some headcanons, so i hope you enjoy them ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭

also, you´re the first one i´ve romantically paired with one of our amazing girls, so please let me know what you think about being matched up with...

YUZUHA SHIBA Manager

You two are so cute together, I swear

The looks you´re serving? Immaculate (I can tell both of you are so pretty and fashionable)

Yuzuha would let you do her make-up and you´re both well aware people are in awe when you´re rocking matching looks

Your bright personality and sunny disposition are really what Yuzuha needs in her life, having someone who openly shows their affection for her is so important considering what her older brother put her through “for her sake”

She also appreciates being able to relax around you and let some of her responsibilities go after basically caring for and raising her younger brother all her life

So, when you take the time to take care of her, she feels so loved and comforted; if you actually stand up for her, she will fall even more in love with you

But Yuzuha will also reign you in when you start disregarding your own well-being and gently coax you into relaxing too

She also kind of adopts the role of your voice of reason; yes, she´ll let you pet that dog but not for more than a few minutes and she´ll get you back on track when she notices you getting distracted

You two hit the town quite often, whether it´s to actually do some shopping or to just combine taking a walk and window-shopping, it´s always a ton of fun and you two cuties always come back with a bunch of bomb outfits (also: sharing clothes? Sharing clothes!)

Please take this girl to some yoga classes with you! She´d love to try it out and I think she´d really enjoy it too; getting to spend time with you while also staying fit? Sounds like a win-win to her

I also think she´s a good baker, too, so you can swap your favourite recipes or try new ones you found online; while waiting for whatever treat is in the oven to be done, you could either do a little bit of self-care, like face masks or doing each other´s nails or you could just snuggle up on the couch while watching a movie

Summa summarum, your relationship is very chill and relaxing

Being with each other is always a good way to wind down from whatever life throws at you, no matter if you´re having a low-key date at home or if you´re going out to paint the town red

Yuzuha gives you a sense of security and stability while you in turn show her the genuine affection she hasn´t received for so long

I´ve already answered the question you chose, so the next question in line is “Are you a native speaker?”

As you have probably noticed already through my grammar or some of my interactions, I´m not a native speaker but I´ve always loved learning foreign languages, so I´ve spent a lot of time inhaling English content, be it books, movies, videos, anything I could get my hands on really; I really love how it helps me connect to people from all around the world <3

If you don´t already know, can you guys guess what my mother tongue is? :)

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)