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stunudo · 6 years

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BAU Prep School AU

A Criminal Minds Fan-fiction

Alumni Association

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country.

May 20, 2017 5:47pm

He had had the grand entryway repainted just in time, the students had been corralled through the side entrances the entire week prior. The spring air wafted through the propped opened doors while Mr. Anderson was checking the center pieces, leaning over the set up crew’s shoulders as they finished the place settings. The kitchen help were bee lining through the hallways, mentally preparing for the focused intensity that Chef Rossi refrained from nearly every other day of the year.

JJ stood barefoot, double checking with Penelope that the seating favors were easily distinguished atop the welcome table. Each woman had yet to change into their formal wear; a perk of having locker and dressing rooms on site. Grant approached the pair, trying to keep his anxieties at bay. “Is this really happening?” He covered his mouth with his hand, unable to hide the obvious.

“Yes and it is going to be fabulous, trust me, goofy!” Penelope insisted.

“How are you the calm one?” JJ teased, rolling her shoulders. “I am nervous and I won’t even make it all night.”

“Because this is like a fairy tale! I get to dress up, extra dress up,” Penelope clarified before Grant could point out her bedazzled glasses. “Everyone is going to be in a good mood because of the di-vine food and the alcohol. My babies are performing all night long and if there is anyone you need to avoid, easy.” She held up a handful of masks that had yet to be claimed by the attendees.

“She’s thought this through,” Grant murmured to JJ.

“That’s the understatement of the year.” JJ snarked.

“Hush, I don’t need any comments from the cynics in the peanut gallery, thank you very much,” Penelope stood to move on to the next item on her checklist. “JJ, when are you getting ready? I need help with my gown.”

“Probably thirty minutes,” She supposed, checking her watch. “I want to check in with Hotch and Kate before I let my troop off the hook.”

“Actually, I think I have a job for a few of them if they’re bored?” Grant suggested, watching Cissy and Zachary giggling over something on her phone.

6:25pm

Even though Camille Murphy was playing with the jazz band during the after dinner dancing hours, she had volunteered to prep and clean the kitchen. She wasn’t sure it was worth the tension. Despite the fact that she had been accepted to every one of the schools she applied to in the fall and graduation was a mere two weeks away, she was still logging volunteer hours. She felt good giving back, and if she was being perfectly honest, she wanted to soak up every insane moment the Gala induced. She would never be able to experience it from behind the scenes again, because all too soon, she would be an alumna, not a student.

David Rossi had to stop and remind himself he was working with volunteers, only three of which were professional chefs or caterers. He was getting too old to deal with children, he thought for the four hundredth time this month.

“Alright, salads need to be carted from the cooler. Guests arrive any minute, but none of you are to step foot out of this kitchen until we have the all clear. Do you understand me?”

Nearly a dozen voices replied with a harmony of ‘Yes sirs’ and ‘oui chefs’ drenched in both fear and irony.

“Camille, how’s my dessert?” Chef Rossi looked over his shoulder.

“Three minutes left,” the thin girl answered quickly.

“No, take it out now, start with that oven.”

“What? Okay…” She grabbed the potholder and started pulling tray after tray out of the massive ovens before her.

“Hmmmm, alright, these should cool in time for decorations.” Chef Rossi looked concerned at each batch of brownies.

“Chef? We’re ready for you.” Coach Morgan interrupted the dessert examination, earning a side-eye from the old Italian.

“Alright, then, Camille, don’t cut anything until I am back. Bailey? How are my steaks?” Chef Rossi listened to his sous chef as he took in Derek’s white tux and tails. After getting nearly the answer he was hoping for, he followed the football coach into the hallway, where the football and soccer teams were lined in matching suits, as if in a line up, or military formation.

“Gloves, let me see them.” Rossi began another round of inspections.

6:45pm

The coat check station was bombarded with the arriving guests. Dr. Reid half sat, overseeing the logging of tickets, a precaution he insisted on after too many drunk alumni had lost their halves his first year working the booth. The stand was created along the main office hallway, leaving the entryway to be the focal point of awe upon arrival. The chandeliers shimmered in the extra lighting, every inch of the school accented to the most decadent detail. It was very aesthetically pleasing, the science teacher thought.

“Dr. Reid!” a chipper voice greeted him.

“Mrs. Hotchner, how are you this evening?” Spencer smiled without teeth.

“Great, thanks. You look quite handsome,” Haley leaned forward, straightening his bow tie for him.

“Thanks, I like your dress too.” Spencer self consciously pulled at the bottom of his tux jacket.

“Have you seen Aaron?” She asked after verifying her ticket for him.

“I thought he was overseeing valet?” Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed, confused.

“He delegated that, apparently, one of those headmaster things.” She explained. “I’ll find him, eventually. Oh, save me a dance?”

“I don’t really-”

“Thanks!” And Haley was off, rushing to give Monica a hug before Spencer could set her straight.

“Dude, you can’t dance with Hotch’s wife.” Jake Hernandez leaned in, trying to save his chaperone from the social complexities of high society.

“I can’t dance, at all, Mr. Hernandez.” Dr. Reid zoned out in concern as Jake took the next beckoning alumnus.

7:03pm

“Good evening!” Stephen’s deep voice began the festivities. “I am honored to welcome you to another SPEC-tacular Alumni Association Gala.” He was greeted with a warm round of applause, he stunned in a perfectly tailored suit, a silver lined masquerade mask accenting his dark features.

“First of all, I would like to welcome my co-host for the evening, the incomparable– Alexandra Blake!” He threw his arm to the side of the stage, ushering Alex out to another round of applause.

“Thanks, Stephen. Thank you all for supporting our students by your patronage this evening. All of this wouldn’t be possible without two very special people. Grant? Penelope? Can we get a spot on the coordinators?” Alex stepped back, her gown glittering with the ambiance, and waited for the tech crew to find the pair in their assigned seats along the outer rim of tables. The audience took over, showering the groundskeeper and guidance counselor in an uproar of gratitude. Alex joined in, thumping her microphone with gusto.

“Now, I know Chef Rossi already has the salads going out, he’s more punctual than we are.” Stephen chided.

“That depends on who you’re asking,” Alex joked, earning a round of laughter.

“Well, I think it’s time?” Stephen glanced back at his coworker and partner in crime. She shrugged, tilting her head. “It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight–”

Suddenly the sound system erupted with the familiar Disney fanfare, and Stephen even added the accent to his rendition of Lumiere. They each walked in time, off of the stage and into the rows of circular tables, spotlights following them. They got all the reactions they could have hoped for, Alex emoting as Stephen kept driving the song’s momentum.

Once Alex’s cue sped in she turned on Mrs. Potts, patting guests’ heads around a table as if playing Duck, Duck, Goose with her lyrics punctuating, “It’s a guest, it’s a guest!”

They rushed back to the stage for a small ensemble of students, to appear in waitstaff attire, to join in for the final chorus.

“ Course by course, one by one ‘Til you shout, “enough I’m done!” Then we’ll sing you off to sleep as you digest Tonight you’ll prop your feet up But for now, let’s eat up Be our guest Be our guest Be our guest Please, be our guest”

They earned a standing ovation, defying all etiquette as it was a dinner. They quickly bowed, allowing the lively mood to continue as conversations erupted around the hall . Alex’s face was flushed from the performance, she quickly found her spot at the nearest of the staff tables. She smiled down at Tara before indelicately gulping from her water glass. Dave watched from the doorway, the anxiety floating away as he saw her shine. She was going to be alright and dinner was off to a good start; he couldn’t ask for more.

Monica clapped as Stephen plopped down beside her, “Good job, baby.” She kissed his cheek.

“Well, done, Stephen,” Erin Strauss raised her water glass to him from across the table, accidentally hooking her masquerade mask’s handle on her bracelet. “Oh bother,” she rolled her eyes as her husband handed it back to her.

“Thanks, my pleasure,” Stephen started to chuckle, but cleared his throat. Soon he was able to let the meal take him out of the spotlight, however briefly.

7:40pm

Emily was kicking herself for not eating before showing up tonight. The heavenly aromas had been taunting her since she had lost her line to the first course. She was on the second tier of the foyer, which she appreciated as it was the least accessible bar. However she was closer to the restrooms, giving her enough foot traffic to stay on her toes.

“Brown, Emily? Really?” Her mother’s tone sent her haunches up.

“Hi, Mom, what’ll it be?” Emily wiped her hands on a towel as she went in for a whisper of a hug.

“G&T please, light on the T,” Ambassador Prentiss aimed to enjoy herself this evening, apparently. Emily set to work on her mother’s cocktail as she half listened to the run down of which members of her class were in attendance and how few people could make time this year.

“I am sure if anyone wants to say ‘Hey’ they know where to find me,” Emily sidestepped the gossip route.

“Leon! How are you?!” Emily played the polite barkeep as her mother rubbed elbows that had gone un-shined over the past year. Eventually the conversation drifted and Elizabeth Prentiss looked over her shoulder, almost shocked to remember that it was her daughter serving her.

“Oh, you remember my Emily? Best damn English teacher this school’s had in years.”

“Yes, hello there, Emily,” Leon Whatshisname nodded with an easy smile.

“Uh, can I get you something? It’s all for a great cause,” Emily plastered her face with the high society smile she brought out only for her mother. Leon ordered a Scotch and went back to whatever story Elizabeth was feeding him. Her father, eventually, found himself at his wife’s side with little more greeting to his daughter, than a shared glance and a wink.

Meanwhile, JJ was making her way up the stairs, rubbing her belly, trying to alleviate the pressure on her bladder. She was grateful that her table location made it easy for a quick getaway as she had already had to duck away while the main course had barely been placed within the utensils. She heard a forced laugh that she knew better than most, her eyes instantly settled on Emily across the balcony, playing nice with the alumni. The way a woman was talking, JJ suddenly realized who she must be. The man at her hip had given Emily her profile while the woman had given her her poise.

JJ’s watched them as she made her way down the hall, pleased her flats weren’t too noisy. She straightened her back unconsciously. When it was time to head back downstairs, Emily’s parents had moved on. Unfortunately, Emily was still there and still breathtaking. JJ watched her make a few more drinks, her smile softer now, relaxed and nearly genuine. JJ bit her thumb, and grabbed the handrail, reminding herself to put one foot in front of the other.

JJ had been lingering at the top of the stairs, which Spencer could see from his post at the coat check. There was something off about her expression, something all too familiar. It was longing, he slowly walked to the base of the curving staircase, following her stare. It was in that moment that he knew two things without need for further evidence, one, JJ was still in love with Emily and, two, Spencer wasn’t looking at her the way she was looking at Emily.

He was apart from it now, just a casual observer, a sympathetic one at that. He turned to head back to his duties, until the students were done with their meals and he could enjoy his own.

8:22pm

“Alright, let’s hear it for Lucas and Kimi!” Alex’s voice called out into the audience. Many of the crowd were on their feet, having found the dance floor once the entertainment had returned to the stage. “We will be having a short break and next up will be the most versatile performer of the night!”

A round of applause drifted away into some comfortable background tracks, keeping the dancers on the floor. President Strauss had approached the young couple giggling with the long awaited date night.

“Mind if I cut in?” She asked boisterously, Haley grinned, slapping Aaron on his chest.

“He’s all yours, watch out for his left feet,” Haley warned before she left to find Derek and his tray of champagne.

“This is fantastic, Aaron,” Erin Strauss exclaimed, finally able to turn off her business tone.

“It’s all Penelope, well, Grant and Dave, too, of course,” Hotch smiled, swaying to the old R&B track.

“I am continuously blown away each year, treat her well!” She smiled behind a pointed finger.

“Trust me, I am keeping her as long as she’ll have us.” Hotch cleared his throat, “I hope we can continue to work together, more, amicably, after graduation.”

“You mean once my daughter is out of our hair?” She raised a knowing eyebrow. “Trust me, I am ready for her to move on too.”

“So that’s a truce then?”

“You keep the ship sailing, I’ll make sure your way is clear,” She nodded.

9:37pm

Michel had finished their numbers for the night, finally able to exclaim over Ms. Garcia’s gown and tiara adorned mask. Penelope beamed, gushing over their songs and how well the set had flowed. Derek approached the duo, snaking his arm around Penelope’s waist casually, now that pressure from the Regents had finally dissolved into the smoke that it was.

“Nice job, Foyet,” Coach Morgan agreed, falling into old habits.

“Thanks, so, Ms. Garcia, how’d everything go? How much did we make?!” The junior excitedly asked, banking on the student leadership retreat to keep them from a grueling summer abroad.

“Well, I don’t have final numbers until the bars close and the silent auction items are settled, but the masks alone raised…. eighteen hundred dollars!” She held on to the words in elation.

Michel stomped in approval, patting their cheeks as the smile burst into a flush through a squeal. “Oh my gee! Penny, I mean, Ms. Garcia. That’s am-a-zing!”

“I know! Right?!” She hip checked Derek to share in the celebration.

“Hey! I knew you would do great, I don’t get surprised,” The man played stoic, kissing her temple.

“Awwwww, you guys are sickly sweet,” Michel rolled their eyes. “Okay, I need to find Cissy and May before their parents show up. Later!”

“Bye Michel, mon cher!” Penelope waved with her mask.

“So, I may have run out of champagne,” Derek whispered, hoping not to distress Penelope this late into the event.

“Oh, no, that was intentional,” she giggled, raising her eyebrows. “I am not having a repeat of last year, the bars and the cases were purposely limited. Besides, now I can sneak in a dance or two with the sexiest wine steward around.”

Derek grinned at her plotting, sticking his elbow out to walk her out onto the floor as Stephen Walker wailed on his trombone on stage. “At your service, mama.”

10:14pm

A lazy haze had fallen across the foyer turned ballroom, Kate and Emily’s wares lulling the benefactors into muted contentment. The jazz band was winding down the night with a sultry musical rendition of “Summertime.”

“Hey there, Reid. Help a tall girl out for a minute?” Tara Lewis leaned over Spencer’s shoulder, surprisingly close, yet not touching him.

“Sure?” Spencer replied, eyes wary and intrigued. He stood to follow her away from the secluded staff tables.

“Alright, this dress was useless without heels and you’re close enough in height that I think we can manage.” She kicked out her leg and held out her arms.

“Manage what?” Spencer’s neck was beginning to itch, it must have been the champagne Derek had been slipping him.

“Dancing, don’t be shy.” Tara grabbed Spencer’s elbow and dragged him to the center of swaying couples. “Everyone is too drunk to notice us and I love this song.”

Tara was almost pouting and Spencer felt trapped, but the second his hand fell on her waist and she hummed the rhythm to him, leading into the steps, all that faded to the back of his mind. She grinned, a teacher’s pleased grin, meaning that he had impressed her and that this was completely platonic. Another thing not to worry about, Spencer thought.

Tara knew this was going to be tough, but there were few things she refused to deny herself and dancing was one of them. Spencer was like a wooden puppet, but he tried and took her direction well. She had learned to lead a long time ago, as her height had found her early. She swayed with her hands linked around Spencer’s neck, just enjoying the elegance of the evening.

“Is every year like this?” Tara asked, appreciating the chandeliers, her mask was left at the table, while his gold fringed mask was attached with string and was holding back his bangs.

“Last year was an oceanic theme, the favors were pearled coin purses and tridents that doubled as back scratchers.” Spencer explained enthusiastically.

“You’re joking?” Tara’s nose scrunched up in amusement.

“Well, they weren’t intended as back scratchers, but necessity is the mother of invention.”

“Plato.” Tara identified.

“I should have been more obtuse, I forget I’m dealing with a true academic, after all.” Spencer complimented, his eyes mischievous.

“So, Greenaway, what’s the story? Is she doing okay?” Tara changed the subject with the song, a lively rhythm in contrast to the more intimate conversation.

Spencer nodded, then shifted from foot to foot. “I think so? I get an occasional letter, and as honest as she is working on being–”

“So much is lost without the non-verbals.”

“Precisely. But, thanks for asking. I was afraid she had become the next Gideon, gone and forgotten in the span of a few weeks.”

“No, Elle did her job, she loved these kids. She did what she did because she cared.” Tara explained.

“Wow, you really don’t miss a thing, do you?” Spencer admitted. “Also, how can you dance in heels? I can barely move on solid ground and you’re, just, mesmerizing.”

“Practice, besides, confidence makes anyone look like they know what they’re doing.” Tara nodded toward Derek and Penelope in the corner, being more than friendly. The African American woman glanced back at the skinny white man and they both had to break away from the dance floor, because they were laughing so hard.

After the chaos

Long after the students were freed from their assignments and the band had wrapped for the evening. After the Hotchners were caught necking in his office by Andrew Heathridge and Amelia Turner, who were also searching for privacy, and just after Emily and Kate divvied up the remaining alcohol between the staff. The school shined on, the gold accents and long lost feathers, remnants of the grandiose night behind them.

Grant was always the last person on site the night of the Gala, it made him apprehensive to leave his school full of strangers. David had sent the caterers home with a huge portion of the leftovers, for their efforts. He double checked everything was wiped down and the linens were bagged for the rental company. Penelope had insisted that Derek go ahead of her, wanting to total the funds before locking them away until she could deposit them on Monday morning. They were like the shoemaker’s elves, working through the night to ensure the school flourished. Grant kicked Penelope and Dave out after one, they all needed to rest. Penelope gathered her dress up and wiggled into her driver’s seat, her heels long discarded.

“Goodnight, my heroes!” She waved enthusiastically, having reached the level of exhaustion known as slap-happy. The two men shook hands and drove off, leaving the details for another day.

Just for Fun!

Alex’s dress

JJ’s dress

Jordan’s dress

Penelope’s dress

Kate’s dress

Emily’s outfit

Tara’s dress

President’s Strauss’s dress

Haley’s dress

Monica’s dress

Ashley’s dress

Very Special Thanks to Cassie @mentallydatingspencerreid,

Meg @imagicana , and Loki @jodiewhittakers!!!

@ddreammcatcher @ultrarebelheart @lightbluelester @criminal-anatomy @captainreid @thebadyears @amarislestrange @shaelyn102 @badasprentiss @fl0werb0nes18 @inestava @sam-carter-in-training @wonderboygenius @fortheloveofpearlet @valentina-pendragon-blog @imarockstar45 @chocok22 @cynbx @fairymega @madamredwrites @doctorspencerreidrp @mindsunleashed @dontshootmespence @bookofreid @marvelfanlife @welp-there-it-is @ilikeitwhenyousleepforyouareso @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @original-criminal-fanfics @derpyprentiss @olicia-leeshy @lookwhatyoumademequeue @veroinnumera @sarahkay-19 @sammles27 @lesbian-asajj @teatimewithtiya @braziliangirlonasharkcity @alienlynz @janam03 @nobravery @clockworkballerina @whymesswperfection @hagridsmumhasgotitgoingon @brooke0297 @xxmaddhatter39xx @gurliest @handpaintedgalaxy @kxlley @krazykendraisnotinsane @bat-crazydoll8 @hownottobeaheartbreaker @captainreid @beereadsthings @prettyboysjello @megsi98 @criminal-prentiss @eternaldarknessiscool @loadingdelete @tinydancer26 @sydneymikayla @blabla412 @pleinemoon @pebblesinthelake @iamaquaria @megsi98 @prettyboysjello @tleighstone12 @nerdyowlbookfreak @ratclanqueen @cloroxchloe @lilacandr0se @happilydeflatingalpaca @babyxbelle @creative-i-guess @lashtonspicelatte @smolldork

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flauntpage · 5 years

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The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers

Back back back back back back back back back back back back back to the well with another running diary because what else am I going to write about during the worst sports week of the year!? What else am I going to write about right now? The Philadelphia 76ers NBA summer league (tempting), the frightening ineptitude of Jake Arrieta and his bone spurry elbow (too depressing), or the Flyers?! THE FLYERS?! I think not.

Let’s see who can hit the most dingers in the second most worthless exhibition that will be played this week as I waste nearly three hours of my life watching the 2019 Major League Baseball Home Run Derby.

8 p.m. – Bob Eucker opens the festivities. If he could just do all his lines from “Major League” for the rest of the night that would be better than the planned ESPN broadcast. Thanks.

8:01 p.m. – Karl Ravech and his totally not a toupee and absolutely natural hair welcomes us to lovely Cleveland, Ohio for the 2019 T-Mobile Home Run Derby! What a historic event. Who could ever forget when Dave Parker slugged six home runs in the first ever T-Mobile Home Run Derby in 1985? Unforgettable. Mark Teixeira and his wet ham personality joins the broadcast and is immediately tuned out by the entire viewing audience.

8:03 p.m. – Something called DJ Irene is pretending to play music in centerfield as the night’s entrants are announced. Let’s meet the 2019 candidates who will fuck up their swings for the rest of the season to win bragging rights for an outdated exhibition that nobody cares about.

#1 seed Matt Chapman (21 home runs) – A last minute replacement for the #1 overall seed Christian Yelich. A third baseman for the Oakland A’s, Chapman apparently plays professional baseball while he’s not selling awful used cars for Chapman Ford in the offseason.

#2 seed Pete Alonso (30 home runs) – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso, a rookie for the New York Mets, has mashed 30 home runs so far this season and is eager to see how his very promising career will be derailed by his franchise.

#3 seed Josh Bell (27 home runs) – An outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates and apparently not the former co-star of the Teen Nick sitcom smash “Drake and Josh.”

#4 seed Alex Bregman (23 home runs) – A third baseman for the Houston Astros and official workhorse for the Coggin Toboggan, who bet $10 on him to win at +850. Real good guy, nothing but great things to say about this exciting young man. Salt of the earth.

#5 seed Joc Pederson (20 home runs) – Outfielder and first baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers with the most infuriating first name of any of the competitors. Joc. JOC. Fucking gross. He shall be known as JP for the rest of the proceedings.

#6 Ronald Acuna Jr. (21 home runs) – Some loser for the Atlanta Braves. BOOOOOOOO.

#7 Carlos Santana (19 home runs) – Phillies legend Carlos Santana. Immediately resurrected his career after losing all athletic ability playing one year for Philadelphia. Sounds about right.

#8 Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (8 home runs) – Third baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays. Rumor has it his dad actually played a little professional baseball. That’s crazy, I can’t believe the media has never mentioned that before.

8:10 p.m. – Bryce Harper was invited right? He’s an All-Star, isn’t he? I’m sure he’s just late.

8:14 p.m. – Marly Rivera interviews Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who may or may not have a father who played professional baseball.

8:20 p.m. – The first match-up of the night features JP against our boy Bregman. Pederson hits 21 home runs and I can taste that $10 just slipping away. GOD DAMNIT, JP, I GOT KIDS. Most of his home runs only went one or two rows deep into the outfield. Should be disqualified.

8:25 p.m. – Trying to convince my wife that if a ball hits one of the kids shagging fly balls in the head and goes over the fence it counts as two. She is not convinced.

8:27 p.m. – Dear God it’s a rocky start for our boy Bregman. One home run in the first 30 seconds. PICK IT UP. It’s a home run derby, not a line drive derby, THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE TO SHOW OFF YOUR LEVEL SWING. UPPERCUT THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND LET’S GO.

8:28 p.m. – Bregman has hit 6 in a minute and a half and takes a timeout.

8:30 p.m. – He keeps hitting the very top of the left field wall. Is that wall regulation height or what?!

8:31 p.m. – Pathetic. HIT ONE OFF THE KIDS AND HOPE IT GOES OVER, THAT COUNTS AS TWO.

8:32 p.m. – 16 home runs and he’s out. Christ. Mark Texeira: “If I’m going to teach my kids how to swing, I’m showing them Alex Bregman’s swing.” Shut up Mark. JP moves on and I wish I didn’t have to watch the rest of this.

8:33 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. Chapman up next. Guerrero Jr. is the youngest player to ever participate in a home run derby and he promptly hits a scorching grounder to third… and then a 462 foot home run to dead center.

8:35 p.m. – What kind of waivers does MLB make these kids’ parents sign before letting them go out to the outfield to try to catch 110 MPH juiced ball rockets?

“Sign here, initial here, sign here again…this waives us from all liability if your child has his skull caved in after losing a ball in the lights. Good news though, if your child does slip into a coma we’ll give you 20% off all purchases from the official MLB merchandise store for all purchase of $100 or more.”

8:40 p.m. – Good lord. He hit 29 home runs. Tied Josh Hamilton for most in a round ever. I will say he hit a few before they actually landed, a clear violation of home run derby rules. I expect MLB officials to announce his disqualification shortly.

8:43 p.m. – Matt “thanks for coming out” Chapman is up next. His dad is pitching to him. Knowing my dad he would have yelled at me for “not keeping my hands low and my head down on the swing” and I would have stormed off the field in tears after hurling my bat at him like I was 10-years-old again. Good times!

8:45 p.m. – I’ll be the first to say it; we’re all just watching this to see one of the kids get scorched off the dome, aren’t we? Half of them aren’t even paying attention to the action. FOCUS.

8:46 p.m. – Chapman’s dad keeps throwing balls outside of the zone and up by his head, JUST LOB IT OVER THE PLATE, JESUS CHRIST. The only explanation for his poor pitching performance is he’s been playing the long con, waiting years before he had the opportunity to publicly humiliate his son in front of millions of fans on a national stage. Mission completed.

8:47 p.m. – His dad cannot throw a strike and looks completely gassed. Chapman has 13 home runs with 30 bonus seconds left to hit 17 more for the win. His dad promptly throws two balls to start things off. Something tells me his invitation to the next Oakland A’s father/son weekend is going to be conveniently lost in the mail. Guerrero moves on.

8:53 p.m. – Tracy Morgan is apparently hosting the ESPYs this year. Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear him read three hours of canned sports jokes off a teleprompter with the same amount of energy as John Kruk when his blood sugar dips.

8:57 p.m. – Ronald Acuna Jr. vs. Josh Bell next. Sadly, Acuna Jr. has a great swing and it will be extraordinarily depressing to see him blast a 600-foot home run off of Vince Velasquez on Sept. 1 to officially eliminate the Phillies from postseason contention.

9:03 p.m. – Acuna Jr. smashes 24 home runs off of Phillies great Tomas Perez, proving once and for all that if you want to hit as many home runs as possible you just need to face Phillies pitching.

9:04 p.m. – I’m already tired of people making the Phillies pitching joke on Twitter. Alright we get it:

I'd be the betting favorite in the Home Run Derby tonight if I announced I was flying Jerad Eickhoff in to throw to me.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 8, 2019

This guy made the same recycled joke last year. What a tool:

If Rhys Hoskins brought Hector Neris to pitch to him he would have hit 50 home runs.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 17, 2018

9:06 p.m. – Betting favorite Josh Bell hit four home runs in a minute and a half. Feel sorry for all the people who bet on this loser and will be out of the derby after the first round. Couldn’t imagine making such a poor bet.

9:10 p.m. – Mark Teixeira: “You really need the person throwing you the balls to put them in the same place every time to get into a rhythm.” Wow, thanks Mark. Should the hitters also try to put the balls over the fence for them to count as a home run?

9:13 p.m. – Bell hits 18 home runs and is eliminated, proving once and for all that nothing good ever comes out of Pittsburgh.

9:15 p.m. – Carlos Santana is up next vs. Pete Alonso. At the All-Star break last year, Santana was hitting .209 with 14 HRs and a .747 OPS. This year, Santana is your starting AL All-Star cleanup hitter and is smashing .297 with 19 HRs and a .958 OPS. Fuck my life!

9:18 p.m. – Santana promptly shits the bed and only hits 12 home runs, the lowest in the derby so far. That’s a shame. A damned shame. Somewhere Gabe Kapler is fist pumping in a dimly lit basement as he knocks out another 5,000 angry crunches under a bare light bulb.

9:19 p.m. – Watching Santana hit in the derby and be elected to his first All-Star team was worse than listening to Ben Davis last year opine on the extraordinary value of Santana’s ability to take a walk while hitting .229 for the entire season.

9:22 p.m. – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso is up next. He’s nicknamed the Polar Bear because he bought a pair of illegal polar bear skin batting gloves off the Dark Web, which he attributes to his great success.

9:25 p.m. – Alonso is letting history’s greatest monster off the hook so far after only hitting six home runs in 2:30.

9:27 p.m. – “That just hit the scoreboard” Teixeira mentions for a home run that comes about 20 rows short of the scoreboard.

9:28 p.m. – Alonso! Alonso! Alonso! 14 home runs to send Santana packing, HUMILIATING Carlos in front of his friends and family. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES!

9:29 p.m. – As is tradition, Santana must now eat a mouthful of Chris Berman’s wispy skullet hair for hitting the least amount of home runs in a round. Rules are rules, sorry Carlos.

9:34 p.m. – Disappointed ESPN hasn’t trotted out the bloated gin corpse of Chris Berman to give us one epic BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK before banishing him back to the extra-large cryotherapy chamber he spends 360 days a year in.

9:36 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. JP in the semis. Christ, I’m already bored with this. Just bring back the MTV Rock and Jock Softball game instead of this nonsense. Who else remembers when Frank Thomas hit a home run with the eight ball in the 1993 event to lead the Dan Cortese coached “Awayboys” to victory over the hated Corbin Bernsen coached “Homeboys.” Anyone? Just me? Ok then.

9:41 p.m. – GUERRERO JR. HITS 29 HOME RUNS AGAIN! The potential 30th home run came within an inch of going out on the final hit. Did you know his dad was Vlad Guerrero? Who won the event in 2007? WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?

9:44 p.m. – Mother of God, JP isn’t going away. Despite his terrible name he hits an impressive 14 home runs with two minutes left to go.

9:48 p.m. – Holy shit, JP hits 27 home runs and needs to hit three more in his 30 second bonus to defeat Guerrero Jr.

9:50 p.m. – They both hit 29 overall and each get to take a swing at Karl Ravech’s head and whoever hits his toupee furthest goes to the championship round.

9:55 p.m. – ESPN goes the PC liberal route and opts for a two minute home run tie breaker. They both hit another 8 home runs, tying again. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WATCH MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT?! JUST END IT ALREADY.

9:56 p.m. – THEY TIED AGAIN. AFTER A THREE SWING HIT OFF, THEY TIE AGAIN. They both hit a home run in three swings and go to ANOTHER overtime round. Did I die before overtime started? Is this purgatory for me? Am I going to watch these two hit dingers for the rest of my days until my soul is absolved of all its sins? It could be worse, I could have to watch the Flyers.

10 p.m. – For this overtime round whoever is the son of Vladimir Guerrero wins and goes on to the championship.

10:03 p.m. – That was amazing. Guerrero hits two bombs with his three swings and JP hits one. JP, like every Dodgers fan ever, leaves immediately before the contest is over so he can beat traffic.

10:03 p.m. – The only thing that could have made that any better would have been a quick shot of Zack Hample being trampled as he ran for one of the home run balls.

10:05 p.m. – Christ, I forgot we still have more of this. Just end it now and give it to Guerrero Jr., he deserves the trophy and the $1 million. I don’t care about anything else.

10:06 p.m. – Somewhere Chris Berman looked up from his third Reuben sandwich of the evening, grunted at the TV, and squirted Thousand Island dressing directly from the bottle into his mouth.

10:12 p.m. – I’d respect Acuna Jr. more if he just bunted for the rest of the competition.

10:16 p.m. – Acuna Jr. is gassed despite the three hour break he got watching Guerrero Jr. and JP put on the greatest home run derby round of all time. He hits 19.

10:19 p.m. – Alonso is up and the crowd gasps off-screen after his first hit. Maybe DJ Irene was beaned by an Alonso line drive as he was looking for the club remix of the Cupid Shuffle.

10:20 p.m. – The broadcast just revealed that Alonso is actually called the Polar Bear because of an incident in high school where he tossed a second grader into the polar bear enclosure of the Bronx Zoo for a laugh.

10:24 p.m. – Alonso hits 20 to send Acuna Jr. packing. Because he is a promising young member of the Mets, I look forward to reading about his MRI results tomorrow showing he tore both rotator cuffs simultaneously at some point during the competition.

10:28 p.m. – Apparently Paul Heyman announced on Monday Night Raw that BROCKKKKK LESNARRRRR would cash in his Money in the Bank contract this Sunday at Extreme Rules in Philadelphia. I found this exponentially more interesting than anything Mark Teixeira has said all night.

10:31 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. has hit 69 total home runs going into the championship. Somewhere, Rob Gronkowski is giggling to himself.

10:35 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. hits a paltry 22 home runs in the championship round. He is one pathetic loser.

10:40 p.m. – Oh my God just end this. I’ve had it. I’ve been out of contention to win money for 95% of this entire broadcast.

10:41 p.m. – A gorgeous shot of downtown Cleveland and its historic Applebees that LeBron James once refused to step foot in.

10:45 p.m. – Alonso hits 23 in the final round to beat Guerrero Jr. It should be fun to hear Mike Francesa rationalize how this is on par with the Mets 1986 World Series championship.

10:51 p.m. – What a night, what a derby. Guerrero Jr. and JP put on a show, Alonso won the championship after Guerrero Jr. punched himself out, and most importantly Carlos Santana embarrassed himself on national television.

The post The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers appeared first on Crossing Broad.

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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What inspired you to get into comedy?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/what-inspired-you-to-get-into-comedy/

What inspired you to get into comedy?

The Big Ask

Watching Monty Python for the first time at a party at the neighbour’s farm. A lot of info to get in. Being funny for love as a child. Tony Law, A Lost Show, Monkey Barrel, 15:00

I started out as a singer-songwriter. Some of my songs were funny, so I tried them out at a comedy club. I loved talking and getting laughs In Between the songs so much, I decided to see if I could do it without the guitar. So, one of the biggest inspirations for my getting into comedy was not wanting to carry an instrument around all the time. Myq Kaplan, All Killing Aside, Underbelly, Bristo Square, 21:15

I did it for a bet, no idea if I’ve won yet. Nick Page, Yes, That Nick Page, Apparently, Mash House, 16:50

Ricky Gervais’s vast fortune. Stanley Brooks, AAA Stand-up at Underbelly, Underbelly Cowgate, 18:20

I worked behind the bar at the Glee Club in Cardiff for a while, and thought I’d give it a go. Seeing Tom Wrigglesworth’s Open Return Letter To Richard Branson show made me want to do more story-led shows, though. Robin Morgan, Robin Morgan: Honeymoon, The Pear Tree, 16:00

Peter Kay. Never has anyone concealed the art so well – perhaps too well, even to the detriment of his being recognised as a real genius of the form. While making it seem like he’s just a confident chatterbox, his range is as good as any comic I’ve ever seen. He can communicate ideas with laser-beam precise language and dramatisation. He does a Nan going home early at a wedding party as ‘Yoda from Star Wars’, and for me it’s like someone broadcasting to you on your exact frequency – and the picture is so clear and precise it’s as if he literally formed it in your mind for you. No one would ever say it, but he’s also fantastically self-ironising and postmodern: he delivers one-liners at the top, and then dissects their cheesiness, thoroughly aware of the expectations people have about traditional comedy. When an act can literally change the way we talk about everyday life – and I think it is possible to talk about garlic bread, or biscuit dipping in terms of pre and post-Kay – then they achieved something quite special. Moon, Moon, Pleasance Attic, 21:30

The Doug Anthony All Stars. I idolised them when I was a kid in Australia, they were pure visceral subversive comedy anarchy. I knew all their material by heart. They showed me that if you don’t sweat you haven’t done a show. Last year I was lucky enough to meet my hero Tim Ferguson from DAAS, he is a bloody legend and inspired me to keep going. Nathan Lang, The Stuntman, Just The Tonic @ The Caves, 14:45

YouTube – Spending too much time binge watching stand-up specials and interviews with comedians meant the advice of ‘just do it and keep going’ stuck in my head so I have. Even though when I started I was dire at comedy I have kept trucking along and would hope I have now made it to the rank of acceptable. Struan Logan, Struan All Over the World, Counting House: Attic, 18:05

In 1995 my father gave my mother a Best of The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band CD for her birthday. It was the first CD that we, as a family, owned. I was nine years old and the excitement was palpable. Three months later, when he gave her a CD player for Christmas, it reached fever pitch. I remember listening to it over and over again. I think the song Mr Apollo might still be the funniest thing I can think of, and I knew I wanted to do something like that. Douglas Walker, Douglas Walker Presents: Of Christmas Past, Underbelly Clover, 22:50

Margaret Cho, Chelsea Handler, Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Tiffany Haddish, Natasha Leggero, Chelsea Peretti and any woman in comedy owning her voice as she conquers. Jake Howie, Read My Lips, Just the Tonic Caves, 21:30

Back in 2016 I was crowned winner of London’s “Not Another Drag Competition”. Before then I had never really performed in drag before. Every week of the competition we were set challenges, and one week we had to put together 15 minutes of material. I decided to do a stand-up routine where I performed a séance and contacted all my favourite dead celebrities, culminating with the spirit of Prince possessing a dildo, which I had to exorcise. Thoroughly. It was the first time I had tried stand-up, and it felt so natural and good, and the jokes just sort of spilled out of me. Oh – and people laughed! From that moment I was hooked. Georgia Tasda, Georgia Tasda Means Business, CC Blooms, 22:30

Jen Brister, after seeing here show many years ago and I thought if this is what comedy is I like it and I want to be friends with her! Ruth E. Cockburn, Love Letters From Blackpool, Summerhall, 14:40

Growing up, I assumed everyone could recite a two-hour Victoria Wood stand-up set or know every French and Saunders sketch, or every word of Blackadder. It’s only when I got older that I realised maybe I was a bit more into comedy than other people. I eventually got into doing stand-up because I’d moved back in with my parents for a bit and, to be honest, I just needed to get out of the house. Emmy Fyles, Live Your Best Life, Hanover Tap), 13:15

My drama teacher at school always gave me the comedy parts, saying I had great comic timing, and she really encouraged that. She t old me to watch people like French & Saunders, Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball so I could hone in on it. So Mrs Bray, along with the people she told me to watch, really inspired me to pursue comedy. Maisie Adam, Vague, Gilded Balloon 16:30

Ricardo Salami. A street performer I saw as a child who never knew he changed the course of my life forever. He since died, and I never got the chance to thank him. Hopefully he won’t mind that I took his name and carried it with me on my adventures. Mat Ricardo, Mat Ricardo vs The World, Las Vegas Room, City Cafe, 12:30

A video cassette of Eddie Izzard. And Don Ward, the owner of the Comedy Store in Mumbai, refusing to let me leave without an audition. I’d come to do an article on him opening his club in India in 2010. Anuvab Pal, Empire, Pleasance Courtyard, 19:00

My dad, the comedian Mac McDonald and one of the funniest people I know, took me and my sister around the comedy circuit with a cabaret comedy act when I was 10 years old and I never looked back. Naomi McDonald, Naomi McDonald: Stardumb, Fireside, 15:45

Josie Long and my grandma; people who pull you into a story you wouldn’t care to hear from anyone else Helen Duff, How Deep is Your Duff, The Hive, 21:00

> My late director, Frank McAnulty. I took an improv class at The Second City on a whim after seeing an online ad (they work!) and then got accepted into their conservatory. I presented a comedy song for our classes graduating sketch revue, and his excitement and investment in it (and in all of us) made me feel like I should continue with this comedy thing, even thought I still had no idea what it was. And now, many years later, that same song is in my musical comedy that I am bringing to the Edinburgh Fringe this summer. So, thank you Frank! Anesti Danelis, Songs For A New World Order, Laughing Horse @ The Hanover Tap, 12:00

The seriousness of life Juliette Burton, Butterfly Effect, Gilded Balloon, 16:15

The worrying thing is I have absolutely no idea. I did sketches in s Ian Smith, Craft, Underbelly: Buttercup, 17:15

wful clients at my last desk job, John Pendal, We Are Family, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 17:30 A

A free CD that was on the front of Loaded magazine with clips of stand up on it. I remember the routines to this day. Brett Goldstein What Is Love Baby Don’t Hurt Me, Pleasance: Beneath, 19:00

Jack Daniels and Desperation. Garrett Millerick, Sunflower, Tron, 17:00

The man who mistook me for Reg D Hunter at a gig and then wet himself when he heard my Oldham accent. If it all fails I could be a tribute act Che Burnley, Elvis Was Racist?, Bar Basis, 21:30

Dave Chappelle and the Goon Show Pierre Novellie, See Novellie, Hear Novellie, Speak Novellie, Pleasance Courtyard, 19:15

comedian came to my uni to put on a comedy writing workshop and there was an open mic night at the end of it, and from then I was hooked. I bumped into that comedian who put on the workshop in Edinburgh a few years later, and I thanked her for getting me into comedy, and she said: ‘OK, well I probably got paid for it anyway” and walked away. Cool! David McIver, David McIver Is a Nice Little Man, 14:30 A

I’ve done lots of grown up jobs. I’ve run a successful business. But I’m rubbish with authority and I’m always distracting people from their work. There’s nothing else left for me to do. Plus, I saw Suzie Ruffell’s show a couple of years ago and she made it look do-able. Sam Fraser, Stand Up, Weather Girl!, Counting House, 19:45

A combination of Mike Leigh’s mid 70s TV films and the adverts at the back of The stage And TV Today Graham Fellows, Completely out of Character, Maggie’s Chamber @ The Free Sisters, 16:30

Intellectual bravado and physical cowardice. Lee Apsey, CSI: Crime Scene Improvisation, Underbelly, Bristo Square, 15:35

I grew up watching comedians like Frank Skinner, Lee Evans, Dave Allen, Spike Milligan etc. but it never crossed my mind that I could be a comedian until I worked at Up The Creek. I owe that place everything. Rich Wilson, Still Relevant, Sneaky Pete’s, 18:15

I had years of people telling me I was funny/weird and that I should try stand-up, but I had never really been exposed to it outside of TV. I had a break up that made me finally say fuck it and I went to do it. What a cliche! It was actually a weird feeling of relief finding comedy and when I looked out at that first crowd I realised it had been in my heart all along. Matthew Highton, Insufficient Memory, Heroes at Dragonfly, 20:40

interned at a radio station during college. The breakfast DJ is a stand up comedian called Bernard O’Shea. He suggested I do comedy, I batted it off and he organised a five minute support slot. I thad two weeks to write five minutes. Most of my first set was about my nan drinking hot tub water with a straw by accident and the IRA’s love of denim. I was so nervous and the adrenaline rush was amazing. I fell in love with comedy instantly and I’ve been chasing that same rush and never came close. Alison Spittle, Worrier Princess, Gilded Balloon Teviot, Balcony, 17:15 I

I wasn’t inspired, I was cursed. A witch I think. Terrible business. I thought it was a free potato, but it turned out it belong to her. John Luke Roberts, All I Wanna Do Is [FX: GUNSHOTS] With a [FX: GUN RELOADING] and [FX: CASH REGISTER] and Perform Some Comedy!, Assembly: Studio Five, 17:30

I just wanted to be Rowan Atkinson. He got to say all the funny things but other people wrote them for him. Seemed absolutely ideal. Kieran Hodgson, Kieran Hodgson: ’75, Pleasance Beneath, 20:15

It’s so uncool but it was actually my mum who encouraged me to start stand up. I was always writing funny stories as a kid and would do anything to avoid work and have a laugh at school and in subsequent jobs later on so she suggested I give stand up a go. I thought it sounded the worst idea ever but turns out she was right. Rachel Fairburn, The Wolf at the Door, Underbelly, Dexter, 21:30

I met an open mic comic and realised people were allowed to be bad at it Jez Watts, #1 Comedy Great Fun Best Show Jez Watts, The Three Sisters, 17:15

Published: 23 Aug 2018

Source: http://www.chortle.co.uk/features/2018/08/22/41023/what_inspired_you_to_get_into_comedy%3F

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flauntpage · 5 years

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This Break Up Shouldn’t Be Hard to Do – Thoughts After Another Bad Flyers Road Trip

This quote hasn’t aged well:

“The bottom line is we thought we needed to make more progress. For me, it boiled down to one question: did I think we could do better as a team now, not two years form now, but now, and the answer to that question was yes.”

That was Comcast-Spectacor Chairman Dave Scott at the November 27th press conference when the Flyers fired General Manager Ron Hextall. The team was 10-11-2 at the time of Hextall’s firing.

Here we are, 36 days later. The team replaced Hextall with Chuck Fletcher, also fired head coach Dave Hakstol and replaced him on an interim basis with Lehigh Valley Phantoms coach Scott Gordon, and has made one roster move of note – calling up 20-year-old wunderkind goalie Carter Hart to jump start his NHL career.

In those 36 days, the Flyers have gone 5-8-3, including a 4-0 loss on New Year’s Day in Nashville, the fourth straight loss (0-3-1) for the Flyers on a mostly disappointing road trip.

They now sit in last place in the Metropolitan Division, 13 points behind the third place Pittsburgh Penguins and 12 points behind Montreal for a final wild card spot in the Eastern Conference.

They are only one point ahead of Ottawa and St. Louis for the worst record in hockey. Their minus-29 goal differential is tied with Los Angeles for the third-worst in hockey behind only Ottawa and Chicago.

Special teams is minus 20 in goals for the season. That’s dreadful. The penalty kill, although it has been solid since Black Friday, killing at an 85.6% clip in the last 18 games, still ranks 28th in the league at 75.2% for the season. The power play is embarrassingly bad, ranking dead last in the league at 12.4%.

I gave you all that data to say this:

This team is nowhere close to being a better team now than two years from now. None.

A change in management didn’t help. A change in coaches didn’t help. What is painfully obvious, and has been for months with this team, is this group, as currently constructed, is not a good fit and is a bad hockey team.

That’s not to say there isn’t talent here, because there is, but they really don’t supplement each other well. There are pieces that don’t fit. There are players not living up to expectations, and the realization has finally set in that this team is still further away from being a contender than it thought.

The process of being the new Flyers GM has been eye-opening for Fletcher in his five weeks on the job. He has had an opportunity to evaluate what he has, what he needs, and has begun formulating a plan on how to get there.

That said, it isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be painful. And the Flyers locker room, which despite all this team’s flaws and foibles is a remarkably tight-knight group, will finally have some much-needed upheaval.

Players are about to be traded. In two months, when looking back to today, there is going to be a whole new look for this roster.

No longer can the players hide behind the excuses of an oppressive GM or a voiceless coach. They are finally going to be held accountable for who they are and the fact that they can’t win together. Fletcher sees this. He knows this isn’t a “win now” team. He has to know he’s got to go into sell mode, and do so quickly.

But how should he begin his roster deconstruction?

After the jump is one suggestion:

Goaltending

This is a real sore spot for this team. It’s almost as if this open wound has been festering for more than a generation. However, Hart is believed to be the white whale. Finally, the answer the team has been looking for since, well, Hextall pre-Eric Lindros trade.

Hart has assimilated himself well in his brief NHL career to this point, but after winning his first two NHL starts, he has dropped three straight and has looked a little undercooked with each passing start.

There’s no doubt the team plays differently in front of him. They play a tighter defensive style. They are committed to blocking shots for Hart like it’s Game 7 of a playoff series. And the Flyers have been careful to try to set him up to win. His first three starts all came at home, and all three were against low-scoring teams (or one in Nashville that was missing a ton of offensive talent due to injury).

On the road, the Flyers were noticeably choosy about where Hart started, eschewing games in New York, Tampa and Nashville on the road in favor of Michael Neuvirth and having Hart start in less daunting arenas like Florida (which is basically a home game for every visiting team) and Carolina. And even in Carolina, where Hart had a clunker of a start, Gordon had a quick hook and removed him after allowing three goals on just 10 shots in the first period, protecting his top prospect.

In short, the Flyers are exhibiting a pattern where they won’t say it publicly, but they still don’t think Hart is ready for long-term play at the NHL level.

Fletcher did talk, on this trip, about the need for Hart to play more – but every indication I could infer would be that ideally this will happen in the AHL.

As soon as Anthony Stolarz is cleared to return, He’ll probably share the time with Neuvirth – who has played pretty well these past two weeks, even if his body is akin to Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Unbreakable and Glass). This will allow Hart to return to Lehigh Valley and keep playing.

Brian Elliott is still about a month away from returning, so he’s not in the conversation as of now.

That said, I still believe Fletcher is considering adding a veteran goalie, and that goalie could be Jonathan Quick of Los Angeles despite the four years and $5.8 million annual cap hit.

It’s the kind of move for this team for the remainder of this year and then use next season as a transition season from Quick to Hart and then Quick can finish out the last two years as a reliable, veteran backup to Hart.

I still think this is something that is coming sooner rather than later, however…

Forwards

Something has to give with this core. It’s just not working. First Hakstol and now Gordon are constantly shuffling lines trying to get players going. The three players most shuffled are Wayne Simmonds, James van Riemsdyk, and Jake Voracek.

The reason they’re being shuffled is they either can’t produce like they once did, aren’t a good fit for this lineup, or are simply having a down year despite still having higher end value.

And yes, the order of players and reasons are symbiotically aligned.

Simmonds is a real conundrum. The guy still busts his ass every night. He still gives it maximum effort and he’s a well-liked and respected locker room guy.

That said, he’s still a shell of himself and hasn’t produced with anywhere near the efficiency he did prior to his injury-plagued 2017-18 season.

As of Saturday we’ll be halfway through this season. Right now Simmonds has 11 goals and six assists for 17 points. He’s on pace for a 35-point season, which would easily be his worst season as a Flyer based on points per game played (He had only 32 points in 2012-13, but that was a lockout-shortened season and he played just 45 games).

The problem with Simmonds is he has seen his skill as a defensive player diminish, especially in the last few seasons. He used to be quite reliable defensively. Now, he’s more a liability.

As such, he struggles at 5-on-5. He’s usually relegated to third line duty, and even though he’s had stints where he’s played in the top six, he’s still a below average play driver (According to NaturalStatTrick.com, his Corsi For percentage is 49.19 which ranks 83rd out of 121 forwards with at least 500 minutes of ice time.)

But where Simmonds has earned his dough in his career has been as a net-front presence on the power play. Excluding that aforementioned lockout-shortened season, Simmonds has averaged 21 points per season in his Flyers career on the power play. As we approach the halfway point of this season, he has four.

And when did those power play points occur?

Power play goal in the season opener in Vegas on 10/4

Power play goal and a power play assist in the home opener against San Jose on 10/9

Power play goal in New York against the Rangers on 12/23

That’s it.

So yeah, that’s one power play point in the last 36 games.

What you have here is a guy who is below average at 5-on-5 and who is not only performing below expectations on the power play based on his resume, but who is arguably the worst producing player on any top power play unit in the NHL.

It would take a really long time to research it, but I’m betting there aren’t any other players who regularly play on the top power play unit for their team who have one or zero points on the power play since 10/9.

So, other than the fact that he’s a gamer who gives you his all on every shift, what is Simmonds’ value to the team now, or in the future?

It’s sad to say, but there isn’t much – which is why he has to be the first move here.

He has to be the person Fletcher jettisons to rock the locker room.

Simmonds has value. He can certainly return to that level of power play production somewhere else. He can still give you good third line minutes on a team with better top-6 talent than the Flyers where he can truly be a secondary scorer and not someone the team is consistently leaning on for offense.

But because he’ll be a free agent at season’s end, his value is limited. The sooner he can be moved the more Fletcher can get in return. Toronto remains quite interested. I’m sure there are other teams who would see Simmonds as an upgrade for their power play (Nashville could use him, and Preds coach Peter Laviolette always liked Simmonds when he coached him. Columbus, Montreal, Buffalo and the New York Islanders are also teams who could use power play help and who might express interest as they make playoff pushes).

This is a slam dunk. It would shake up the locker room to trade from the core and one of the team leaders – and it would set the Flyers up with more assets down the road.

As for van Riemsdyk, this is where things get more interesting.

Quite simply, the guy isn’t a good fit here.

He’s a league-average play driver (CF% is 50.00) which is likely boosted a little bit from playing a solid chunk of his 23 games with Claude Giroux. But even though he missed 15 games with an injury, he’s nowhere close to the goal-scorer he was in Toronto.

He averaged 30.5 goals per 82 games played in six seasons with the Leafs. He won’t play 82 because of the injury this season, but assuming he doesn’t miss another game this season, he’ll play 67 games.

Based on his Toronto output, that should still be good enough for 25 goals for the Flyers. However, based on how he’s performed so far, he’s on pace for 15 goals for the Flyers.

Now, part of that could be he’s not being given a regular role on the top power play unit her like he was with the Leafs. He did amass 88 power play points in six seasons in Toronto. He has three for the Flyers in 23 games so far.

There is an argument that could be made (based solely on the statistics above) that he should be given a chance ahead of Simmonds, and maybe that would bring a little more production, but keep in mind that last season was the only time in his career he potted double digit power play goals (he had 11). So, it’s not like he’s a sure thing with the man advantage either.

JVR has never been a physical guy at 5-on-5, which is what soured the Flyers on him initially. When you are a big body you need to play a more big-bodied game, and he’s not the kind of guy who uses his size as much as he should when it comes to winning board battles and protecting the puck.

He’s limited in the speed department, which on a slower team like the Flyers puts a spotlight on his weakness. And he doesn’t fit anywhere. The Flyers really don’t want to play Giroux at center because he’s much better at this age on the wing. so JVR can’t play on the top line. He’s been a disappointment on the second line and really doesn’t play the style of game to fit on the third line.

He needs to play with a dynamic distributor at center who can set him up for his goals. The Flyers don’t have that player here – at least not right now.

JVR is a guy that a young, up-and-coming team might be interested in since he has term and dollars on his contract.

I look at a team like Colorado, who has some real top-end talent and a lot of cap room, as a team that could make sense. Additionally, Buffalo and the Islanders would also make sense here as well as they could afford JVR and his four more years with a $7 million cap hit each year, although I’m not sure he would fit the mold of what Barry Trotz espouses in his defense-first system in New York.

As for Voracek, he’s a playmaker with a lot of value and isn’t protected by a no-trade clause. But his contract – five more years at $8.25 million per, is a little harder to move. But, would a team that is all-in this season in pursuit of the Cup be willing to take a chance on that contract if they could send some salary back to the Flyers in return?

I look at Nashville again as a team who thrives on being the best defensive squad in the NHL. A playmaker is exactly what they need to supplement their strength. Voracek would also improve their below average power play as well.

Another team that could have interest is Vegas. Voracek would immediately become their highest-paid player. And while they have a handful of guys signed long-term, none is seeing an average annual salary higher than $5.95 million (Nate Schmidt).

As for other forwards who could go:

Michael Raffl – he’s playing his best hockey of the season right now and is the kind of depth forward good teams are looking for. He’s a free agent at season’s end though, so he doesn’t have much in the way of value in return, but he is another really well-liked guy in the locker room and trading him would have an impact.

Dale Weise – Believe it or not, the veteran grinder has similar value to Raffl – especially if the Flyers are willing to eat some of his remaining salary (He’s signed through 2020 at $2.35 million per season).

Defense

You might not see it yet, but working with Rick Wilson is already paying dividends for a few guys. Ivan Provorov is still struggling with handling pucks this season (another grenade on his stick led to a goal in Nashville), but on the whole, he’s been better since Wilson came on board.

He’s still getting the lion’s share of the minutes and is still the Flyers best defenseman. He’ll be fine.

Travis Sanheim has flourished since Wilson came on board. He’s playing with a lot more confidence. He still has the occasional mental lapse, but he’s been vastly improved.

As for the rest of the defense, I’m not sure the Flyers are beholden to any of them.

I don’t think Robert Hagg gets moved, but he’s just a guy. He’s probably best-suited for a third pair long term and has been asked to play above that for most of the season.

Andrew MacDonald was unjustly criticized last season, but not so this season. He’s not been good. He’s still an NHL defenseman, despite the criticism to the contrary from the Twitterverse, but he’s no better than a No. 6-7 guy at this point, and his contract is still unmovable.

Radko Gudas could be of interest to a team looking for a depth defenseman, but again, the Flyers would likely have to eat some of his $3.35 million cap hit, as he’s signed through next season as well.

Shayne Gostisbehere has played better in the last few games (despite the team not looking good) but I’m not sure it’s good enough to stop Fletcher from potentially dangling him as an interesting carrot this trade deadline.

Gostisbehere has definite defensive limitations, but teams looking to add to the blue line at the trade deadline often are looking for a guy who can produce offensively as well. That and a team-friendly contract situation could make Ghost an attractive trade piece for contending teams (Buffalo? Boston?) come the end of February.

Wither way, I think guys like Sam Morin, Phil Myers, and maybe even Mark Friedman are going to be given a chance in the NHL at some point this season to prove they belong.

Anyway you slice it, this team’s roster needs to be carved up, and soon. I expect Fletcher knows that and will make it happen in the very near future.

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flauntpage · 5 years

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This Break Up Shouldn’t Be Hard to Do – Thoughts After Another Bad Flyers Road Trip

This quote hasn’t aged well:

That was Comcast-Spectacor Chairman Dave Scott at the November 27th press conference when the Flyers fired General Manager Ron Hextall. The team was 10-11-2 at the time of Hextall’s firing.

In those 36 days, the Flyers have gone 5-8-3, including a 4-0 loss on New Year’s Day in Nashville, the fourth straight loss (0-3-1) for the Flyers on a mostly disappointing road trip.

They now sit in last place in the Metropolitan Division, 13 points behind the third place Pittsburgh Penguins and 12 points behind Montreal for a final wild card spot in the Eastern Conference.

I gave you all that data to say this:

This team is nowhere close to being a better team now than two years from now. None.

Players are about to be traded. In two months, when looking back to today, there is going to be a whole new look for this roster.

But how should he begin his roster deconstruction?

After the jump is one suggestion:

Goaltending

This is a real sore spot for this team. It’s almost as if this open wound has been festering for more than a generation. However, Hart is believed to be the white elephant. Finally, the answer the team has been looking for since, well, Hextall pre-Eric Lindros trade.