19.

Raven

“You swung at Darnell are you fuckin’ crazy?” I asked my cousin Nicki while we sat in my living room. Last night everything at the party went left. I wasn’t even supposed to say shit to Darnell let alone spit at her crazy ass but she pissed me off. Nicki’s dumb ass wasn’t supposed to swing on her though, that was the stupidest thing she could’ve done.

Millz is one thing; she’ll probably whoop your ass but Darnell is crazy as hell. The cut bitches and laugh at it type of crazy. I’m sitting here with a cast over my damn nose because her strong ass broke my shit when she hit me.

“I was trying to help you out; you were the one getting your ass beat.”

“Alright but she’s not the one you swing on Nicki. Come on you’ve been around for a few years now, you haven’t realized she’s bat shit crazy?”

“I’ve never seen her mad but fuck her. You act like I’m supposed to be scared of her ass or something. Trouble isn’t going to let her touch me and neither is her baby father. Well the nigga she has posing as her baby father because her daughter looks Spanish.”

“She looks like Darnell what do you mean?” Zaria looks just like Darnell and their grandmother, even down to the extra -long extra curly hair and complexion.

“You sure she’s not adopted?” Nicki asked.

“Nope, their grandmother looks just like them. I think she’s Spanish or something. Their grandfather was black though, I mean black midnight black.”

“You met him?”

“No he died a long time ago. Millz showed me pictures before. Forget that though, you have to watch your back now.”

“I don’t have to do shit but stay back and die.” She rolled her eyes. “I already know Trouble is going to bitch at me when I get back home.”

“You haven’t spoken to him?”

“No, I’ve had my phone off all day. I don’t want to hear his damn mouth.”

“Well prepare to hear that shit because you fucked up. Now they’re going to wonder why you even swung at her while we were fighting. You want them knowing we’re cousins and that you made me spy on him when it came down to Millz? The whole reason you even moved up here is because I told you they were getting close and she moved in with him. You didn’t give a fuck about him being with Bianca.”

“Bianca wasn’t a threat remember. You told me all about their relationship he barely gave a fuck about the girl. She was just holding his attention for a little while.”

“Y’all know I can hear you right?” Bianca said when she came downstairs with her daughter Karma on her hip.

“We know you can hear we just don’t give a shit.” Nicki shrugged her shoulders.

I just shook my head and bit my tongue because I was about five seconds away from smacking her myself. At this point I was tired of her and her dumb ass plans. When she first got at me about keeping an eye on trouble in exchange of her giving me some money every month I immediately thought it was a good idea.

The whole time he was with Bianca she knew about it and didn’t care because she said she knew Bianca wasn’t the type of woman he would take serious. When it came down to Millz that’s when she started feeling threatened. Nicki has always had this fantasy about Trouble marrying her and having a family with him. He and Millz getting close was going to tamper with her plans so she moved back up here to get in between them. She knew because of their history Trouble would start fuckin’ with her and she was right.

Knowing Millz the way I do, I knew as soon as she found out about Nicki she was going to distance herself away from Trouble and she did. I didn’t expect her to pack up and move but when she did I felt like Prophet was fair game. It’s not like he hasn’t fucked people she knew before so I didn’t expect him to be a little bitch and tell her what the fuck went down between us. I still remember when she called and cussed my ass out.

“Hey girl, how are the babies?” I asked Millz when I answered her call.

“They’re fine but I find it funny that you’re fake concerned about them but all the while trying to fuck their father.”

“What? The fuck you talking about?” I tried my best to play dumb.

“You know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’m not even shocked all you do is fuck everybody’s man. I should’ve known you weren’t shit when you let my cousins run a train on your nasty ass. I guess hoes will be hoes right?”

“Millz I don’t know who told you that bu-“

“But nothing bitch fuck you. You want to try and fuck my kids father right after I move bitch are you that desperate? You were waiting in the wings just hoping for an opportunity to fuck him right? Don’t even answer that because I know the answer is yes. You’re a dumb ass bitch to go against me. I’m the only person that’s ever helped your ass. When you couldn’t fuck for your rent because your slut ass was burning I paid that shit. I paid your bills so many times they asked me if I wanted the shit put in my muthafuckin’ name. When you fucked those niggas that Kim’s block party who helped you when both baby mamas came after your ass? I did! When your mother needed that operation and you couldn’t get the money I came in and made sure she was good and you go against me out of all people? Bitch fuck outta here, I will be beating that ass when I catch you hoe. Watch and wait I don’t give a fuck how many years goes by I’m fuckin’ you up on sight.” Before I could even say anything she hung up the phone.

After that she blocked me from everything on social media and I couldn’t even call her anymore because she blocked my number then turned around and got a new one. I wasn’t really shocked; if Millz cuts you off you’re cut off. There is no talking about it, or trying to work around it. It’s a done deal.

“You need to drop that stank ass attitude, you have Trouble now. Why are you so bitter? Oh wait Never mind, I know why. It’s because Millz is back up here and you know that if she really wanted Trouble she could have him.” Bianca snapped back at Nicki.

“Why are you hyping her up? Isn’t she the reason your baby father is denying your daughter?” Nicki said to her.

“Alright, that’s enough. Y’all are both being annoying.” I told them both before giving Nicki my all of my attention. “We have to figure out how to keep you from getting that ass beat the next time Darnell or Millz sees you.”

“I’m not worried about them and Trouble won’t be letting them touch me anyway.” She got up grabbing her purse and keys. “I need to go though, I already know he’s about to give me an earful. I’ll see you later Raven.” When she left I shook my head and looked at Bianca.

“Your cousin is weird as fuck.”

“I know but that’s on her. You just have to ignore her ass sometimes.”

“Well it’s only so much ignoring I can do. She’s still bitter about Trouble like I really give a fuck about that nigga. I have enough to worry about and he’s not on the list.”

“What is going on with you and Prophet anyway? He still hasn’t seen her?”

“Nope, he gives me money every month but he will not come see her. It’s annoying because he doesn’t do his sons like that at all. He’s around them all the time.”

“I know,” I nodded.  Prophet was fucked up for willingly not being in his daughter’s life. Karma is his child so he should step it up and spend time with her the same way he does him and Millz’ kids. It’s not like he doesn’t know she’s his, the nigga knows something if he’s giving Bianca money for her every month.  “So what are you going to do?”

“What can I do?”

“Talk to Millz, maybe she can talk to him about it.” I said and she looked at me like I had two heads. “What? You asked for a solution and I’m giving you one.”

“It’s not a very good one. Why would I talk to her and what am I supposed to say? Hey I know we’ve been beefin’ for years and I got pregnant by your nigga while you were with him but can you tell him to be a part of my daughter’s life?”

“Not those exact words but at least ask. She’s not going to just say fuck you about your daughter growing up fatherless. She knows what that feels like, trust me she’s not that bad.”

Millz comes off as a complete hard ass but she’s not heartless. The girl does have a conscience and I think she would put her shit aside to actually talk to Prophet about being there for Karma. Honestly, Millz is the reason he isn’t. He’s scared she’s going to take their kids away if he plays daddy to somebody else but I honestly don’t think Millz would do that. Besides, whether she likes it or not Karma is Dyce and Darius’s sister.

“How am I supposed to do that and should I even try that shit? What if he stops giving me the money? That money helps me Raven.”

“I know it does but you do want her father in her life right? The girl is about to be three in two weeks, she needs her dad.”

“I don’t know, Millz can’t stand my ass.”

“True but I think you should still try. Just bring Karma with you; she won’t hit you with her right there.”

“Alright I’ll try to figure out how to do it but if it goes wrong Raven I swear to God.”

Amilia “Millz”

“Why are you food shopping like a storm is about to hit? How much shit do you need?” Darnell asked me while we walked around Shop rite. I was stocking up on food because ordering take out and going out every night was starting to get on my nerves.

“My kids can’t eat takeout all the time and this is going to last us the whole month. All this damn meat will be in my deep freezer until I’m ready to cook it.” I had chicken legs, thighs, wings, breast, steak, ribs, beef and pork both, and some more shit sitting in my cart. I wasn’t going to have to buy shit for a good minute. “I know your ass cooks at home so don’t judge me.”

“I do cook but I gave up red meat a long ass time ago. I see you’re not on that wave.”

“So you’re eat anything but chicken and turkey?”

“Not only that but that’s the bases of it.”

“You know fried chicken is just as bad as eating red meat right?”

“Shut up, that’s not the point.”

“No bitch it is the point,” I laughed at her.

“Whatever, you know Trouble called Xavier to have him tell me to not hurt his bitch?”

“For real?”

“Yeah, he said she was on some stupid shit and he knows it but not to touch her and just let it slide.”

“See now that is a problem. This bitch can’t just keep sliding. That’s why she does stupid shit all the time, she aint been dragged yet.”

“I know but Xavier was going on and on about me being the bigger person so I told him I won’t touch the bitch. She has one more time though; just one time and she’s getting shit slapped out of her.”

“Nah fuck that she’s getting jumped and I don’t even do that shit but I’ll lower my standards that one time because I’m on that ho.” This Nicki bitch was lucky as hell Trouble has her back because she would’ve been dead and gone a long ass time ago if it was up to me.

“I’m not beat for that bitch but she got this one off just because of Trouble. He doesn’t ask me for shit I’ll let him have that.”

“Well that’s you, as soon as I see her ass I’m snuffin’ her.”

“I know you are.” She laughed then hit my arm. “Bitch is that Bianca?” I looked over in the direction she was pointing in and sure enough that was her.

“Yup, that’s her. Whose baby is that?” I looked at the little girl with her, because she was sitting in the cart facing Bianca I couldn’t see her face but I knew it was a girl because of the bun her hair was in.

She must’ve felt us looking at her because she looked up and her eyes landed right on me. Instead of turning the other way and leaving like I thought she would she actually came walking over to me. When she got close enough she smiled a little bit.

“Hi Millz,” She said and I just raised an eyebrow looking at her.

“You know what, give me this cart. I’m going to go look for an open register. I’ll pay for it, just give me the money back.” Darnell said before taking my car and walking off. Once she was gone I looked at Bianca with my arms folded over my chest.

“What’s up, is this your daughter?”

“Yeah, Karma say hi.” The little girl looked at me and my mouth wanted to drop because I automatically knew why she came over to me as soon as my eyes landed on the little girl. She’s Cameron’s daughter that nigga can’t deny her even if he wanted to.

“Hi,” The girl waved with a big smile on her face.

“Hi,” I gave her a smile back before turning to her mother. “So you came over here so I could see her? What’s the point Bianca?” She looked at me confused making me chuckle. “What?”

“You said my name, usually you get it wrong.”

“Yeah well that was how many years ago? I’m over that; what’s your purpose right now?”

‘Alright, I know you don’t owe me anything and I know that I shouldn’t even be asking you for anything but I really want to know if you could help me.”

“Help you do what?”

“Talk to Prophet about being in her life. I know it’s a lot because of how she came about but she needs her father. Every little girl needs that; shit if I had mine I probably wouldn’t be such a fuck up.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to do. I can’t make him do anything.”

“We both know that’s a lie. If he doesn’t respect any other female I know he respects you and he listens to you. Whenever I say anything he lets it go in one ear and out the other.”

“Has he seen her?”

“No,  he gives me money for her but it’s not the same thing as being there and spending time with her. I know you don’t like me and I understand why but this is bigger than both of us. Plus she is your son’s sister; don’t you want them to know they have one so they won’t end up fuckin’ with her one day or something?”

I looked at her then looked at her daughter who is absolutely gorgeous. I can’t even hate or say something negative; they made a beautiful little girl. The petty side of my brain wants to yell fuck you at this bitch but I can’t because that would be saying fuck you to her daughter too basically.

I know I was on that my kids don’t have siblings shit when I first found out about this girl being pregnant but her daughter is innocent in all of this. I’m not that damn evil that I won’t at least put a bug in Cameron’s ear about not being a deadbeat. Sad to say he does listen to me, not all the time but for the most part he does.

“Alright fine,” I sighed. “She is their sister so I’ll talk to him but I’m not promising that he’s going to step up. That’s on him, he does what he wants but I’ll try to help you a little bit.”

“Thank you.”

“Mhm, sure.” I said before walking off. I already knew I was going to talk to Cameron about this once he dropped the boys off.

In all honesty I forgot about Bianca’s baby. I knew she had it but I never knew what she had or how the child was doing because I didn’t care to find out. I knew Cameron wasn’t claiming their baby which now that I have children of my own, I find fucked up.

She didn’t ask to be created and yes the bitch did it to herself by fucking with a taken man but that is his child and he needs to step up and be there. He’s giving her money so he knows she’s his but I don’t understand why he’s not doing more than just giving her money. If you can hand over some cash you can spare your time.

After meeting Darnell at register we left and I dropped her off at home before going to my own house. I got all the food I bought inside and put away with the exception of the food I planned on cooking that night. Just as I was getting started I knocking on my door so I knew it was Cameron with those big head boys of mine.

I went and opened the door letting them all in. I sent the boys upstairs to their room to change their clothes since I left their pajamas on their bed. Cameron was about to walk out the door but I grabbed his arm stopping him.

“Hold up, we gotta talk.”

“About what?” He looked at me confused.

“Alright so I was in shop rite earlier right and guess who I ran into.”

“Who?”

“Bianca and your daughter.” I said and he sucked his teeth. “That’s a pretty little girl, why are you not around again?”

“I give her money every month, a whole lot of money. Karma is good.”

“Yeah but she doesn’t have a father, you need to stop that shit and be there for her the same way you’re there for Dyce and Darius.”

“Wait, you want me around her?”

“Why does that matter? That’s your kid, we’re not together and even if we were I can’t tell you what you can’t do when it comes to your child. The fuck is wrong with you boy?”

“I thought if I had her around or whatever that you wouldn’t let me see the boys. Let’s not act like you didn’t say they didn’t have a sibling after you found out.”

“Alright and I was pissed off about that bitch being pregnant at the same damn time as me. You can still be a father to your child, I don’t care.”

“What about having Dyce and Darius meet her?”

“I mean, I guess that’s fine too but I think you need to spend time with her before you spring two brothers on her. I can’t believe you weren’t around her because of me. What the hell?”

“You’re petty as fuck and I shouldn’t have chosen between my kids but those boys are my heart man.”

“I know that and your daughter can be the same thing if you put the time in.”

“I love my daughter,”

“Nigga I can’t tell.”

“This isn’t love?” He unzipped his coat then lifted his shirt showing me a tattoo the name KARMA in cursive letters he had on his rib cage. I wasn’t really that shocked, this nigga tattoos everything. He has Dyce’s name on his left forearm and Darius on his right one. Hell, the nigga got a M with a crown over it on the front of his hand for my name.

“Alright woopty doo a tattoo, you’re still not around that girl and you need to change it.”

“I got it; Bianca needs to not tell my business though.”

“Well that’s between y’all. Now fix yourself and get out.”

He fixed his clothes looked at me with a smirk on his face. “I like the adult version of you.”

“The adult version of me? Nigga I’ve been an adult for a long ass time now.”

“Yeah but you aint always acted like it and before your smart ass says it I know I had my moments too.”

“Right nigga, just get out.” When he left I went to the kitchen so I could start cooking. I don’t know what Cameron was going to do about Bianca and their child but at this point I’ve done all I’m going to do. It doesn’t have shit else to do with me.

***

“What do you think of the space?”  The blonde white woman who owned the building I was trying to get an office in asked me. The space was perfect. White walls grey marble floors, and it was duplex style so I had two floors.

“I love it; I already know what I want to do with it and how it’s going to look. I’m ready to sign the paperwork.”

“Well alright, let’s go to my office and get everything started.”  We went to her office and filled out all the necessary paperwork. Once I was done I left and went to the parking garage to get my car. As soon as I was settled inside and ready to go my phone started going off. I took it out of my purse then answered when I saw Vick’s name across my screen.

“What’s up Vick?”

“If you still need that tat done I can do it right now.”

“Nigga you are so random; I asked you about that shit three weeks ago.”

“Alright and I been busy, you want the tat or not?”

“Yeah I’ll be there in a little while. I’m bringing Darius and Dyce with me, I was about to go pick them up from day care.”

“Shouldn’t those little niggas be in school?”

“It is school they’ll be in pre-school next year. Shut up Vick, I have my kids. You just make sure you get my damn tattoo right.”

“Don’t play me like that. Come and bring your ass.” I ended the call without saying anything else and drove home so I could change clothes. The best part about the office space I got is it’s only a few blocks away from my house. The boys’ daycare is literally up the street from where we live and the school they’re going to in September is right around the corner.   I was in the perfect area for right now, hopefully I wouldn’t have to move anywhere for a good while.

When I got home I changed out of the sleeveless blouse and short pencil skirt I was wearing. I was done being professional for the day. I put on a simple white t-shirt, some slightly ripped jeans and my pink Giuseppe Zanotti leather sneakers. The only jewelry I had on were some diamond stud earrings and a gold V-neck choker. After getting dressed I brushed my untamed curly hair into a high bun.

I left my house, picked up the boys from their day care then headed down to the shop. When I walked in all eyes landed on me. I didn’t recognize  them so I was immediately freaked out. I was about to ask what the fuck they were looking at since I didn’t know any of the people gawking at me, but Dime came around the desk and hugged me.

 “Millz!” She squealed while picking me up off the damn ground. “Ooh I missed your ass, I’m sorry I missed your party.”

“It’s cool, I didn’t even want a party and it was a shit show so you’re good. Vick is back there right?”

“Yeah he’s back there, let me tell him you’re here.” Before she could walk to the back I grabbed her arm.

“Why these niggas in here staring at me like I’m an art exhibit or something?’

“They’re new; they don’t know who you are so all that ass is distracting them.” She chuckled. I let her go to get Vick while I sat down making Dyce and Darius do the same. I made sure to bring their tablets so I gave it to them so they could go on their Nicki Jr apps and play games.

Dime came from the back and told me I could go back. I made Dyce and Darius come with to Vick’s work area. Pictures of his tattoos and drawings covered the walls a long with pictures of him and Gianna.

“What it do little niggas,” He held his hand out for them to give him a pound and they did.

“Don’t call them that, they have names.” I mushed Vick in the head. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“It’s down the hall first door on the right.”

“Aight I’ll be back, watch them.” I went to the bathroom and used it. When I finished washing my hands I walked out to see Nicki coming from the room furthest in the back. That was either Trouble’s work space or the office, which one I don’t know and I don’t care. I just silently thanked God that I changed clothes and had sneakers on my feet.

I shut the door then leaned up against so that when she came down the hall she would see me. There was no way she was going to miss seeing me. As soon as she got close enough to the door she looked up from her phone then sucked her teeth when her eyes landed on me.

“Hey sweetness.” I smiled at her.

“What are you doing here?”

“My cousin is half owner or did you forget? So what’s up?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you came at me before.talking about my kids and my parenting You tried to sneak my cousin; like I said bitch what’s up?”

“You know Trouble is here right?” She said with confidence as if that nigga being here was supposed to mean something to me.

“Okay? The fuck does that have to do with me? He made it so that Darnell wouldn’t touch you, I’m not Darnell and I’m really done talking so just drop your stuff.”

“You want to fight me?” She chuckled.

“It’s not going to be a fight girl trust me.” I folded my arms across my chest and gave shorty a good twenty seconds to drop her things but she never did.

 I shrugged my shoulders before hitting her ass with the cleanest hay maker to the face making her drop to the ground. I could’ve stopped there, been fair and let her get up to defend herself but fuck that. She tried to catch my cousin off guard so fighting fair with this bitch was a not happening. As soon as she hit the floor I was on that ass.

She was trying to fight me off but that shit was no match for the blows I was sending to her face. After I got enough of punching her I stood up and kicked her straight in the face making her nose gush blood immediately. I went to kick the bitch again but I got snatched up off my feet and carried to the front of the shop while she laid there whining like a grown ass man.

Because I didn’t know who grabbed me up I turned my body as much as I could and started swinging.  I good one good punch to the face and I know it was the face because I felt my knuckles hit their nose before they finally let me. When I got free I turned to get a good look and saw it was that Dro nigga from my party.

I was about to say sorry but my hair being pulled from behind cut that off.  I already knew who it was and the bitch was stupid. I was able to turn around and we ended up in a full blown fight in the lobby of the shop. I already knew she was getting knocked down and broken because I could hear shit hitting the ground along with everybody yelling and screaming like some Hyenas.

A part of me was saying take it easy because my kids are in the back but that other part was telling me to give it to this bitch. She’s disrespectful as hell then she had the audacity to do some bullshit with my cousin. In all honesty I wanted the fade the day I met shorty and she called herself telling me about what Trouble said about our situation. Four years of pent up irritation was being taken out on this bitch. I wasn’t stopping until I saw this bitch bleeding and just from the nose wasn’t enough.

I was sending punches straight through this hoe’s face when I got snatched off of her, I wanted to swing again but I knew it was Vick when he made me turn around and he grabbed my face.

“Yo! Relax! Fuck is wrong with you! Your kids are in the back and you out here fighting this bitch?” I looked at her and Trouble was slowly helping her off the floor. I had to stop myself from laughing because her face was FUCKED. Top and bottom lip was busted, nose was bleeding even more, her right eye was fucked up and she had a few knots.

“Fuck her.” I started to walk towards the back so I could get this tattoo finished but I had to pass Nicki and Trouble to do it. I looked at her while she wiped blood from her mouth then punched her ass again before Vick snatched me up.

“What the fuck! Chill yo,” He dragged me to his work area where Dyce and Darius were still sitting down looking at their tablets.  

“Are two alright?” I squatted down and asked them.

“What’s that?” Dyce pointed at the top of my shirt. I looked down and rolled my eyes when I saw the blood stain. “Ketchup,” I went to the mirror Vick had nailed to the wall and looked at my face. I had some scratched on my neck and my hair was all over my head but besides that I was good.

“You care to tell me what the fuck that was about?” Vick questioned.

“Nothing, I told y’all I don’t like her ass yet she keeps popping up. She was at my party where she tried some slick shit with Darnell then you want to call me here knowing Trouble had here too. Y’all wanted this shit to happen.”

“I didn’t know she was here and she was only at your party because Trouble wouldn’t go without her. I didn’t know she was dumb enough to do that bullshit with Darnell. You can’t keep beating her ass though, that’s his woman.”

“Your point?”

“My point is you beat her ass once, dead that shit now.”

“If you’re telling me to not touch her again I won’t as long as she doesn’t do some bullshit. You got any shirts or something?”

“Yeah I got you, hold up.” He walked out the room leaving me there in my thoughts.

“You mad mommy?” Dyce asked me.

“No baby I’m good; keep playing your game alright.” I kissed the top of his head then proceeded to try and fix my hair. I was in the mirror trying to do something to it when the door opened and Dro came in holding some tissue up to his nose. I know I hit him but I didn’t know it was that hard. Shit, I’m low key proud of myself; I made his grown ass bleed.

“You have a mean ass right hook,” He said with a chuckle.

“I know, sorry about that but if you see me fighting don’t grab me. You’ll get clocked every time.”

“How often do you fight?”

“If you’re about to start with the annoying ass questions you can walk right back out the door.”

“You’re a beautiful woman but that attitude of yours is not attractive ma.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused; I know you heard what I said. I don’t know who you’re used to but you need to get that shit straight. Nobody wants a woman who acts like a nigga most of the time. Just keep that in mind.” He said before walking back out and closing the door behind him.

I stood there confused as fuck and stuck because what the fuck? Did that nigga just check me?

could you do 52 "i don't think he loves me anymore" with some angst? + andreil

Dan gets home late from her coaching gig on Tuesday night, and they eat thai takeaway over styrofoam containers and cheap wine.

The TV’s the only light in the room, and it’s almost like the flicker of a fireplace, if they don’t look at it directly. Dan’s laughing and smooching stray noodle off of Matt’s cheek when there’s a knock on the door.

They make faces at each other. “It’s 10 pm,” Dan says. “This had better be life or death.”

Matt groans. “Don’t tempt fate.” He struggles out of the couch and passes his ginger beef off to Dan. “5 bucks says it’s Allison back from Guadala-whatever. Timezones mean nothing to her.”

“Bet denied. You know gambling isn’t the same when we have a joint bank account,” Dan complains and Matt laughs, dodging their side table and heading for the front door. He busily cracks open all of their locks and rattles the door until it unsticks.

“Hey!” he says, surprised. Neil’s scuffing their doormat with the toe of his shoe, dressed in old PSU colours. “A house call from Neil Josten, what an honour,” he jokes. Half-jokes. A visit from Neil is a confession that he missed you enough to actually do something about it.

Neil looks up at him blankly, and something is so obviously wrong that it shakes Matt. He takes silent note of the bag slung over his shoulder, the mottled redness of his eyes and face.

“Allison?” Dan calls, and Matt shakes his head without thinking.

“Neil,” he replies softly.

“Get out of town,” Dan says, voice getting louder as she floats towards them. She appears at Matt’s shoulder and grins. “Well if it isn’t our favourite competition.”

Neil usually says something obnoxious about Matt’s team not even counting as competition, but this time his mouth stays thin and snapped shut. Matt and Dan exchange a loaded glance.

“I need to ask you a favour,” Neil says finally.

“Anything,” Matt says.

“I need to stay somewhere,” Neil says, and Matt watches him gather himself like he’s finding his balance on a slick of ice.

“Where’s Andrew,” Dan says slowly. Neil looks at her, and then at Matt. He hasn’t seemed quite this small since he first showed up at the foxhole court with all his lies clenched between his teeth.

“I can find somewhere else,” Neil says, already turning to go. Matt catches him by the strap of his duffel.

“Oh no you don’t. We’ve got a couch with your name on it.”

“If Matt hasn’t destroyed it with peanut sauce,” Dan chirps. Neil looks back and forth between them again, his face in knots. Matt bodily pulls him over the threshold.

“You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to. We get how it is.” He looks over at Dan and she’s already nodding.

“Thanks,” Neil says, and he drops his bag heavily just inside the door. He eyes the TV. “What were you watching?”

“Not exy,” Dan replies. “You might have heard of it.” She flops back onto her side of the couch and tucks her feet under herself. Matt settles down opposite and watches Neil perch on the armchair like it’s made of something sharp.

“We can change it?”

Neil shakes his head, and his eyes drop. Matt feels metaphorical eggshells crunching under his heels. It’s never been this uneasy with Neil, even when they first met.

Neil picks at his armbands until he seems to realize what he’s doing, and he reaches under the sleeves of his hoodie to peel them off altogether. Dan shoots Matt a frantic look.

“Not to pry,” Dan starts, “but do you need us to call anyone?”

He looks up. “Like who?”

“Like…” she looks at Matt. “Your coach? Nicky, maybe? Kevin?”

“How would they help me?” Neil says flatly.

“Man, your Andrew impression is killer,” Matt grits, nerves pricking with frustration. Neil’s expression goes tight, distorted like canvas stretched to fit an oversized frame.

“I don’t need anyone.”

“Since when?” Dan says, her eyes sharp with concern. “You just. Showed up at our door like you’re still on the run. You get that that freaks us out, right?”

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I can’t talk about it.”

Matt’s phone goes off, and he scoops it off the floor. 

“Is he there?” Matt reads out loud. He looks at Neil to find him shaking, looking straight through the TV.

“Don’t answer.”

“Is it Andrew?” Dan asks and Neil stands up abruptly, armbands slithering off his lap as he does.

“Don’t answer.”

Matt drops the phone, hands up in surrender. “Not answering. Jesus Christ Neil.”

“I can’t talk about it,” he reiterates. “I can’t go home, and I can’t talk about it. I don’t want to make things difficult for you, but if you can’t handle not knowing then I will go to someone who can.”

“We handled not knowing a whole fucking lot in your freshman year, Neil. I think we can manage,” Matt says, and Neil’s face twitches.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay.” The fight whips out of him, and he crumples back into his chair. “Switch to 189,” Neil says, nodding at the TV. “Highlights should be on by now.” He puts the heels of his hands in his eyes and breathes.

“God, don’t you ever get enough,” Dan says, but she dutifully reaches for the remote.

Matt watches Neil’s detached expression all the way through the exy commentary, his sleeves sagging over wrecked arms, his fucking heartbreaking eyes.

He gives him too many pillows and their good sheets, and tries not to check up on him like a nervous first time parent.

____

Neil stays for a week.

He leaves their couch early in the morning to go for his usual ass o’clock run. He comes back obliterated by the summer heat and his obvious attempts to forget whatever’s hurting him by pushing too hard.

Matt starts pouring him a glass of water with his morning coffee, leaving the chair across from him conspicuously open in case Neil chooses to sit and talk. He doesn’t on Wednesday or Thursday or Friday, but Saturday morning finds Neil already in the kitchen with his glass drained and his eyebrows knit.

Matt sits down with his coffee and kicks lightly at Neil’s feet. “‘sup?”

Neil’s eyes snap to his and it’s a little unnerving how focused they are after all this time drifting to the clock and out the window and over the long-dead screen of his phone. “I don’t think he loves me anymore.”

Matt’s mug slips and he catches it on the lip of the table so that it sloshes all over his hand. “Shit. What?”

Neil’s jaw works, and he settles back into the chair. “I don’t think he wants this. With me.”

“Neil…” Matt says. His chest feels overly full of air, like it’s pushing everything else out.

“Don’t— don’t tell me he does. You’ve never known anything about us.”

That stings a little, but Matt swallows it. He’d never had the opportunity to understand them. Never prodded what looked like an actively healing wound. “I mean. It’s Andrew,” he says, helpless.

“Observant,” Neil sneers.

“Okay smartass, how about you tell me what happened to you two?”

Neil looks away. “I—can’t.”

“Then don’t bring it up,” Matt says, exasperated. “I’m out of my mind curious, you know. The group text hasn’t stopped betting on you since Wednesday morning. I’m trying not to push.”

Neil chews viciously at his lip. The table lapses into agitated silence, and Matt waits.

“We used all our secrets up. We’ve run out of things we can give. He can’t let me in any further, and I have to… get that. I’ve always known it was a possibility.”

“But…” Matt prompts, watching Neil grapple with something much older than his and Andrew’s relationship. “You love him.”

Neil doesn’t reply. His armbands are back. Whatever he’s wearing smells strongly enough of cigarettes that Matt noticed when he walked in. His mouth is bloody where he’s been chewing it. His answer is obvious.

It’s also obvious that Neil’s done talking, so Matt pats his arm and trudges past him to the bedroom. He slips his phone out of his shorts pocket and looks at that is he there for so long that the screen starts blurring.

He texts a simple yes back, and puts his face in his hands like it’ll hold in the guilt.

____

Andrew shows up before the sun goes down on Saturday night. He looks too pale to be real, his dark shirt tucked up to his neck, a bag hiked up over his shoulder. The deja vu simmers in Matt, and he almost regrets getting involved.

Neil’s already standing when they turn into the living room, looking distraught, eyes not even glancing over Matt on their way to Andrew.

“Who told you?”

“I already knew,” Andrew says simply.

“I’ll just…” Matt says. Neither of them react. He shrugs and walks to the kitchen where the air feels breathable.

He feels unsettled, like he’s trying to ignore a bomb being defused next door.

He hears quiet voices, more hissed than whispered, the plunk of pebbles into water rather than the float of something on top.

“You told me you were done,” Matt hears Neil say, voice climbing.

“Done making things easy for you.”

Neil laughs, ugly, and Matt hears some unidentifiable movement.

“You told me,” Andrew says lowly, “that you wanted me to be honest. It’s not my fault that you didn’t like it.”

“I never thought you’d really give this up,” Neil admits miserably. Matt heads for the door to intervene, but then Andrew speaks again.

“I wasn’t,” Andrew says. “You assumed.”

“Then what were you doing?” Neil asks, bewildered.

“Fighting,” Andrew says. “With you.” There’s nothing for a second, and Matt strains to hear. “Not everything is as dramatic as you make it out to be.”

“You said you were done with me,” Neil says, breathless.

“I was.”

“And now?”

“You are on thin ice.”

“Fuck, Andrew,” he half laughs half sobs. “I thought I was going to have to transfer to a different team.”

“I would have quit first.”

“I’m pretending you didn’t just say that.”

Matt creeps forward and pops his head in. They’re not touching but they’re easily close enough that they could be. Neil looks more human than he has in days. Andrew’s face is blank but his hands go up to Neil’s sides as Matt watches.

“I thought I was going to have to fight for visitation rights to the fucking cats,” Neil continues.

“They don’t care.”

“I’ve heard that one before,” Neil says, smile tipping over like an overfull glass. “I’m sorry I ran.”

He reaches for Andrew, who lets him wind his hands in his hair.

“You were in the first place I checked,” Andrew says, “You’re losing your touch.”

“Maybe I’m getting comfortable,” Neil retorts. Matt doesn’t know if they’re aware of the way they’re winding together like neighbouring tree branches.

“Everything okay?” Matt asks, and Andrew’s arms drop.

“Yeah,” Neil says, dragging his eyes from Andrew. “Thanks.” He says it so that Matt knows he means it, with his smile up in his eyes.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” Matt says pointedly. “Don’t even think about using our room.”

Neil frowns and Matt laughs, grabbing his keys.

“I’ll be back in an hour.”

He shuts the door behind him before Neil can respond, and he pulls up his text conversation with Dan on his way down the hall.

Beauty and Beast reunited. just u & me tonight, he sends.

Dan replies FINALLY 10 seconds later, and Matt grins.

When he gets back that evening, the pillows and sheets are washed and put away, and Neil’s duffel is sitting on the couch, empty. There’s a scrap of lined paper on top of it, and Matt picks it up.

Harder to run away without this.

If I didn’t already have a home, you and Dan would be it.

Thank you.

Chapter 24: Take a Break, Have a Holiday

Choi, Nicky, Sally, Kah Leng, business development manager from the Singapore Capital Markets team, and I had been talking about making a trip together for quite some time. With the Christmas season break just one month away, we decided to work on a concrete plan. “So where can we go for a week’s break?” Choi asked. “Should we go London?” Nicky asked. “I’ve got some friends there and we can stay at their places and save on accommodation.” “But Nicky, I think most of London will be closed during the Christmas season,” Choi objected. “I’m sure not all places will be closed right?” “Let me check from the Internet.” After a few typing on the keypads and a few clicking and scrolling on the mouse, Choi turned his notebook screen to face us. “Dude, almost all shopping centers will be closed from twenty-fourth to twenty-sixth of December, most of the museums like the National Gallery will be closed, and even the Tower of London will be closed! What are we going to do there? Sit at Hyde Park outside Hard Rock Café and feed the pigeons?” “Maybe even the pigeons are not around,” I added. “I guess not everywhere is going to be closed right?” Nicky was skeptical. “Then how about those tour groups going over from Singapore? The tour guide must bring these tourists to somewhere right?” “Erm… I think in most Europe tour packages that touch on London, our tour agencies only arrange visits to the Big Ben, along the House of Parliament, at the gate outside Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, London Bridge and Tower Bridge. So they’ll never have any opening or closing problem.” I explained. “Anyway, London will be too cold for me,” Sally added. “Okay, fine. Let’s go somewhere else then,” Nicky sulked. “Guys, I read from the newspapers that there is this Icehotel in Sweden where the whole hotel is built using the mountain water from Torneälven River. Every thing there, even the furniture is made of ice. Pretty cool huh?” I suggested avidly. “You meant pretty cold,” Kah Leng commented. “Beng, I know Ms. Xiao Long Niu from Louis Cha’s Chinese wuxia novel, The Return of the Condor Heroes, slept on ice. But she had very powerful inner strength, a.k.a. nei gong, which we commoners don’t have,” Nicky mocked. “Hey, you’ll be provided with a sleeping bag with liner!” I argued. “Erm… if you don’t mind, I’ll prefer to sleep on a white goose feather and down featherbed,” said Kah Leng. “Anyway, it’s not worth going to the Scandinavians in winter, when the days are short and the nights are long. Too much time wasted sleeping,” added Nicky the typical Hong Konger that believed that time is money. “Okay, let’s go somewhere else then,” I gave up. “Since most places in the western countries will be closed for the Christmas season, and their days will be rather short, why don’t we stay in Asia Pacific instead?” I suggested. Besides the issue of having shorter days, we could have problems finding our meals as well. Most restaurants in the western countries will be closed during the holidays. This meant that we would have to either take ridiculously expensive dinners in the hotels, or settle with cheap but almost inedible Chinese food. The hardworking Chinese businessmen do not believe in closing for holidays. In fact, knowing that most western cafes and restaurants will be closed and hungry souls will be awash on the street, most budget Chinese restaurants are happy to remain opened for even longer hours during the holidays. However the problem with these budget Chinese restaurants is that most of them only serve gong bao chicken, sweet and sour chicken or beer or pork, deep fried chicken or beer or pork and fried rice or noodles, and most of these dishes taste, well, funny. “How about Gold Coast or Cairns?” Sally suggested. “Err… Sally, Australia and New Zealand will be having their summers during that period,” Choi said. “And I’m not very keen in getting sunburn.” “You can always put on some sun block lotion what.” “I don’t really like the feeling of perspiring so much under a layer of sun block lotion,” Choi still rejected the idea. “It reminds me of those national service days when I had to wear camouflage face paint and scout around in the hot forest, with houseflies trying to land on my face all the time. Oh, that reminded me. There are tons of houseflies in Australia during their summers.” Okay, our destination should be in Asia and not Asia Pacific. Anyway, it might not be a good idea to walk beside a constantly perspiring Choi for a week. “Let’s go to Taiwan. None of us has ever being to Taiwan right?” Kah Leng suggested. “Hmm… Taiwan sounded good,” I agreed. “There are a couple of scenic national parks in Taiwan, like the Taroko National Park and Yangmingshan National Park.” “Erm… I was thinking more of the shopping areas there,” Kah Leng admitted. “And Taipei 101.” “Yah! I heard that the crystal jewellery there is stunning! And their fashion is also very ahead of us! Wow, so many things to buy!” said Sally, the other shopping queen. “And the night markets there! Like Shi Ling night market!” Choi exclaimed. “I heard they’ve got this super-sized chicken chop there that is simply delicious!” “Err… guys,” Nicky interrupted our excitement. “I’m not really into Taiwan. To me, Taiwan seems to look like another Hong Kong. And I would rather return to Hong Kong since I prefer the food there.” “Oh…” “Hey, you guys can still go ahead without me. It is okay, I don’t mind! I can always return to Hong Kong and spend the holidays with my friends and relatives there.” “No, no, no. We won’t just desert you like that. Let’s think of another destination then,” Kah Leng gave up Taiwan though she seemed to be disappointed. Well, if we said we will travel as a team, we will travel as a team. “How about Japan? Like Hokkaido?” Sally asked. “I’ve just seen Globe Trekker on the Discovery Travel channel introducing Hokkaido and it seems interesting. They have a musical box museum where you can choose the tune that you like and make your own musical box, a white chocolate factory, and the Kitaichi Glass Shop reputed for its unique and elegant hand-blown glassware.” “Good idea! Then we could try their snow crab and king crab which are as big as lobsters! We could have crab sashimi, crab tempura, yaki crab, crab miso soup, baked stuffed crab shells and crab hand rolls! Hahaha…” Choi thrived at the thought of food again. “Erm… Choi, I heard that these crabs are expensive,” said Sally. “Hey girl, you could only get them there. You’ll regret if you don’t try!” “Wait… though the thought of Hokkaido with snow flakes floating down from the sky seems romantic, I must remind you people that Hokkaido is also famous for being very very cold,” I reminded. There was nothing wrong with my language. I had used two ‘very’s intentionally to emphasize on the extreme coldness of Hokkaido. Winter temperatures in Hokkaido are known to remain well below zero and can even drop to as low as minus fifteen degree Celsius. The occurrences of heavy snow and gusty winds are also common. “I’m more worried about you girls. Nicky should still be okay with the cold weather because Hong Kong could be pretty cold sometimes too. Choi, I’m not so worried too because he has got a think insulation layer…” Choi raised an eyebrow at me and folded his arms. I continued: “But are you girls sure that you can stand the harsh weather? Are you aware that the temperature could drop to as low as minus fifteen degree Celsius?” Both gals pondered upon what I had said, looked at each other, and then nodded their heads to indicate that they agreed with me that Hokkaido was a bad idea. “Then how about South Korea? It won’t be as cold as Hokkaido and it’s just as interesting,” Kah Leng suggested. “Oh yes! South Korea! Why didn’t I think of that?” Sally blurted. “Then I can visit the filming sites for Winter Sonata and Jewel in the Palace!” “What’s Jewel in the Palace?” Choi asked. Kah Leng, Sally and Nicky stared at Choi as if he was saying that pigs can climb trees as good as cats. “Jewel in the Palace is the most popular Korean drama in South Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Singapore and even Malaysia!” the shock Nicky hollered. “What is it about? Some kind of Korean Tomb Raiders show with smart and armed thieves stealing hilariously expensive crown jewellery from the royal palace?” “No!” This time, Sally hollered at Choi. “It is about how Jang-Geum the heroine fought through a feudalistic society with serious sexual discrimination, defeated all the male doctors in the palace and became the first female head physician of the Joseon Dynasty! It is based on a real story!” “Not your type of bimbos kicking action movie,” I nudged Choi. “Okay, fine. But why are we going to those Korean TV serials filming sites?” Choi protested. This time, Kah Leng and Sally stared at Choi as if he was saying that pigs are more intelligent than women. “Err… but I kind of have problem with those spicy Korean kimchis,” said Nicky. “Don’t worry, Nicky. They’ve got other non-spicy food like claypot rice, stew beef, seafood fermented in salt, BBQ beef and ginseng chicken soup,” Kah Leng consoled. “Ginseng chicken soup? I like it!” Nicky grinned. “And we mustn’t forget that South Korea has got a cheap and good skiing resort,” Kah Leng grinned. “And breath-taking scenery at Jeju island,” I grinned. “So do you have any objection to South Korea, Choi?” Kah Leng asked. “Well, with lots of pretty Korean girls surrounding me, and lots of delicious food, I’ve got no problem,” Choi grinned. Gosh, finally the five of us had agreed on our tour destination. Since South Korea was a popular tour destination among Singaporeans, we needed to quickly decide on the tour details. “Should we go on a packaged tour or a free and easy one?” I asked. “Beng, we can’t go on a packaged one. Sally’s Chinese is pretty bad and Kah Leng can’t even write our company name in Chinese,” Nicky commented. “Yah, and most of these packaged tours have Chinese speaking tour guides,” Kah Leng agreed. “Okay, which means that we’re going free and easy…” I agreed, and then suddenly realized that something was amiss. “But which one of you speaks Korean?”

The Complete History of Nicki Minaj and Cardi B's Beef

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The Complete History of Nicki Minaj and Cardi B's Beef

For more than a year, Nicki Minaj and Cardi B walked on eggshells while rumors of their alleged beef bubbled just below surface. Through shady interviews and sneak disses, the rappers waged a cold war. Then, during New York Fashion Week at Harper’s Bazaar Icon party, photos and video of a physical altercation between Cardi and Nicki’s parties circulated the web.

Since then, their public feud has intensified, with memorable Queen Radio rants and viral Instagram posts. But how exactly did we get here? Was it Nicki’s obsession with being the queen of rap? Is Cardi too sensitive? Below we revisit the history of Cardi B and Nicki’s long simmering feud and the events that led us here. 

June 2017: Cardi B joins Remy Ma at Summer Jam

There’s debate on when the feud between Nicki Minaj and Cardi B began. While some believe it started as early as March 2017, it’s likely that part of the reason Nicki didn’t welcome the young rapper into the scene with open arms is Cardi’s appearance during Remy Ma’s 2017 performance at Hot 97’s Summer Jam festival.

Remy Ma brought Latifah to do “U.N.I.T.Y.” w/ Young M.A, Cardi B, Lil Kim, MC Lyte, Rah Digga & Lady of Rage on stage if you like subtweets

— Jon Caramanica (@joncaramanica) June 12, 2017

The performance came in the heat of Nicki’s feud with Remy, as Cardi B joined a procession of other women rappers to perform “U.N.I.T.Y.,” before Remy delivered a performance of her Nicki diss track “ShETHER” complete with a picture of Nicki behind her.  

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August 2017: Nicki denies subbing Cardi on “No Flags”

In August 2017, Nicki Minaj appeared on London on da Track’s single “No Flags” alongside Cardi’s boo Offset and 21 Savage. On it, she rapped the following verse:

Lil bitch I heard these labels tryna make another me

Everything you getting, lil hoe, is cause of me

I heard I’m stopping bags, word to Shaggy it wasn’t me

These bitches is my sons, but they daddy ain’t bust in me

I’m a white picket fence bitch, you a on the bench bitch

See me in the gym, now these bitches wanna go bench press

I ain’t fucking with you sis, we ain’t with the incest

Yes I am the Queen, I’m still trying to find a princess

People immediately began speculating that Nicki was taking shots at the former Love & Hip Hop star, but she quickly denied those claims.

September 2017: Cardi featured on “No Limit,” denies beef on The Breakfast Club

In an interview with The Breakfast Club, Charlamagne and DJ Envy prodded Cardi B about the alleged beef she had with Nicki. The question followed rumors circulating that Belcalis was dissing Nicki in her feature on G-Eazy’s “No Limit.” “Can you stop with all the subs?/Bitch, I ain’t Jared,” she rapped.

Cardi denied they had any problems saying, “We just conversated man. And that’s it.” She also brushed off the “No Limit” rumor by explaining, “People don’t understand that I got beef with 10 bitches in the hood, and I still be in the hood.”

September 25, 2017: Cardi B makes history with No. 1 song “Bodak Yellow”

In the fall of 2017, Cardi B broke the first of her many records by becoming the second female rapper with a No. 1 hit song on the Billboard Hot 100, thanks to “Bodak Yellow.” Lauryn Hill accomplished the feat with “Doo Wop (That Thing)” back in 1998.

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After the news broke, Nicki Minaj congratulated Cardi on the No. 1 hit, praising her on Twitter.

Congratulations to a fellow NEW YAWKA on a RECORD BREAKING achievement. Bardi, this is the only thing that matters!!! Enjoy it💕💞🎀 @iamcardib

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) September 25, 2017

October 2017: Migos drops “MotorSport” featuring Nicki and Cardi

It was a blessing and a curse when Migos dropped “Motorsport,” a dope track featuring both Nicki and Cardi. Despite both rappers consistently denying their feud, people began speculating they were sneak dissing each other on the same song.

Still, the two women steered clear of the rumors. “I feel like people wouldn’t even be satisfied if me and her was making out on a freaking photo,” Cardi told Complex later that month. “I feel like people just want that drama because it’s entertaining.”

Nicki also denied the beef in a series of tweets she later deleted. “These are men in our culture who simply refuse to let it go,” she tweeted of the alleged conflict. “They don’t do this to male M.C.’s.”

November 2017: “MotorSport” video comes out

Eventually, the video for “MotorSport” comes out and it’s quickly apparent that Nicki did not shoot on the same day as Migos or Cardi. This stokes more rumors that the two have beef, though Nicki later claims it’s because her hairstylist wasn’t available the original day of the shoot. 

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When asked about it in one interview in November, Cardi B dances around the question awkwardly, while also revealing that Nicki’s original song on the track was different.

The next day, Nicki fires off the following tweet allegedly aimed at the rising rapper.

The corniest thing you can be is ungrateful. Give thanks.

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) November 30, 2017

April 5, 2018: Cardi B releases her debut album Invasion of Privacy

The winter goes by quietly, as Cardi and Nicki both seem to be in complete album mode, gearing up for 2018 album releases. Cardi’s comes first. Her debut Invasion of Privacy drops and receives critical praise, landing at No. 1 on the Billboard 200.

Hours before her album comes out, Beats 1 releases an interview of Cardi where she tells Ebro her beef with Nicki is completely made up. “I just feel like it’s really internet made-up,” she says. “I really feel like fans and people really want to see that happen because it’s really entertaining. To see people beef is entertaining.”  

A few days later, we learn on Saturday Night Live that Cardi is pregnant, and all seems well for the newly bonafide star.

April 12, 2018: Nicki’s releases two singles and tells Zane Lowe Cardi never showed her “genuine” love

Following Invasion of Privacy, Nicki releases “Chun-Li” and “Barbie Tingz,” the first singles from her album Queen, which she would later announce. To debut the singles, Nicki heads over to Zane Lowe’s show on Beats 1. 

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During her interview with Zane, Nicki finally addresses what’s been bubbling under the surface all these months. “The only thing that Cardi did that really hurt my feelings was the first interview after ‘Motorsport’ came out,” Nicki said. “It just really hurt me because the only thing she kept saying was, ‘I didn’t hear that verse. She changed her verse.'”

“I kind of felt ambushed,” Nicki continued, while getting visibly upset. She also said Quavo “didn’t back [her] up” on the story of how the record came about, which prompted the Barbs to swarm the Migos rapper.

Nicki went on to explain that her hairdresser had a scheduling conflict the day of the “MotorSport” shoot, but that Migos and Cardi kept quiet when rumors about the beef escalated. “All of them allowed me to look like I lied and even with the scheduling conflict, she’s using my hairdresser now, so even he can attest to the fact that there was a scheduling conflict,” she said.

“I really fully supported her and up until this recent interview I had never seen her show me genuine love in an interview,” she said, referring to Cardi’s conversation with Ebro. “I can just imagine how many girls wish they could of been on a song with Nicki Minaj. I’m not saying it in a cocky way.”

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Coincidentally, Nicki’s original verse on “MotorSport” leaked the same day as her interview, revealing she had referenced Cardi:

I’m with a couple bad bitches that’ll rip the party

If Cardi the QB, I’m Nick Lombardi

Pull up in the space coupe, I done linked with Marty

I can actually afford to get a pink Bugatti

The final version replaced Cardi’s name with Quavo, and it’s still unclear if it was meant to be shade or a shout out. Nicki later tweeted that she changed the verse per Atlantic’s request.

How can you say someone changed their verse & forget to say Quavo TOLD me to remove my singing part (which I loved) & Atlantic told me to remove your name from my verse per your request? So how were those changes gonna happen if I didn’t “change” my verse? 😩🤣 #NickiDay #ChunLi

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) April 12, 2018

May 7, 2018: The Met Gala

Despite Nicki’s Beats 1 interview, photographers capture the two rappers having a cordial moment on the red carpet during the 2018 Met Gala. Once again, things seem fine.

Later in May on the Howard Stern show, Cardi explains that the two rappers talked things out at the Met Gala. “I never was feuding with anybody. There was a misunderstanding. She felt a certain type of way about something and I definitely felt a certain type of way about something. Didn’t want to ever talk about it in public because I felt like we gonna see each other again and we will talk about it,” the Bronx native quipped. “It’s always little issues but the thing is, fans are always gonna make it a big thing. I spoke to her about it. It’s just like, see? It was just something that it had to be talked about.”

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August 10, 2018: Nicki releases ‘Queen’

In August, Nicki Minaj finally releases her album Queen, which includes her opening track “Ganja Burns.” Not long after the drop, fans are convinced the slow burn is a diss aimed at Cardi. “Unlike a lot of these hoes whether wack or lit/At least I can say I wrote every rap I spit,” she raps, allegedly addressing the idea that Cardi does not write a lot of her lyrics.

Nicki thru mad shade at CARDI b in ganja burns 😪 lol #Queen I live for the drama

— Gia Katya (@GiaComedy) August 10, 2018

Instead of celebrating, Nicki spends the days after Queen‘s release feuding with multiple people, including DJ Self, who she claims tried to feed her negative gossip about Cardi B. Self later denies it.

“He was just up there dissin the btch thinking that would make me fuk wit him. Lmao. Jokes on you once again dummy. Passed up on ya meal tkt now u get crumbs from her table. Ur a reality tv hoe. Used to be a respected DJ,” she wrote in a series of now deleted tweets.

On Aug. 16, Nicki is interviewed by Ebro on Beats 1, and of course he asks about the Cardi beef. “Now, I didn’t know Cardi and I had an issue, but I guess we do since you’re saying it and other people are saying it,” she said, after trying to dismiss the question. “To me, she may have taken an issue with things that I’ve said, but I’m not going to bite my tongue…. You gotta have thick skin. People talk shit about me all the time…. You can’t be expect to be liked and loved and praised all the fuckin’ time. Give me a break.”

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August 19, 2018: ‘Queen’ lands at No. 2

All hell seems to break loose after Queen lands in the No. 2 spot on the Billboard 200 chart behind Travis Scott’s ASTROWORLD. Onika immediately responds to the news by going on a tweetstorm criticizing Travis for selling his album in tour and merch bundles (though she used similar tactics) and calling out Spotify for heavily promoting Drake instead of her. Nicki would go on to give Travis the “Hoe N***a of the Week” award on her Queen Radio show.

September 8, 2018: Cardi attempts to fight Nicki at NYFW

Finally, the culmination of over a year of sneak dissing, shady interviews, and rumored beef comes to a head. News that Cardi B and Nicki got into a physical fight at the Harper’s Bazaar Icons party during NYFW flooded timelines on Sept. 8 with video and photos of the incident. In one, Cardi appears to have a giant lump on her head following the fight. 

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In some videos, Cardi can be scene taking off her shoe to throw it. In another, she’s being held back while yelling “Play with me bitch…keep fucking playing with me, play with my fucking kid bitch…I’ll fuck your ass up,” while Nicki is protected by security.

According to TMZ, the fight broke out after Cardi approached Nicki’s table “to address the lies Nicki was spreading.” She was reportedly met with an elbow to the face as security attempted to halt the “I Like It” rapper, and Nicki’s friend Rah Ali apparently also go involved in the scuffle.

Wayment wayment… I was trending for fighting Cardi? Why am I just finding this out?!?!? 😂😂😂 I’m home tryna binge watch Ozark 😂😂😂😂😂😂. Too bad i dont have new music to drop. Gosh darn it. Now back to the cartel…

— Rah Digga (@therealrahdigga) September 8, 2018

Cardi was eventually escorted out of the event, and went on Instagram to address the altercation without directly mentioning Nicki. “I’ve let a lot of shit slide! I let you sneak diss me, I let you lie on me, I let you attempt to stop my bags, fuck up the way I eat,” Cardi wrote. “You’ve threaten other artists in the industry, told them if they work with me you’ll stop fuckin with them!! I let you talk big shit about me!!”

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September 10, 2018: Nicki Minaj addresses NFYW fight on Queen Radio

Things were initially quiet on Nicki’s end following the NYFW incident. Ms. Minaj waited until her eighth episode of Queen Radio on the following Monday to address the altercation, and when she did, she went in. 

Nicki started off the discussion by playing a clip of Cardi B during an interview she did in 2017 with Fader. In the clip, Cardi explains that “nothing is off limits” when she claps back at people, even their children. “I hate when some people come at me like, ‘Why you coming at kids for,'” Cardi can be heard saying. “I’m my mother’s baby.”

The reason Nicki played this clip is pretty obvious. In her Instagram post following their fight, Cardi indirectly claims Nicki talked about her daughter Kulture and her parenting skills. The clip is aimed at highlighting hypocrisy in that accusation, while the Queen rapper also denied ever saying anything about Cardi’s daughter. “I would never talk about anyone’s child or anyone’s parenting,” she said. “And it’s so crazy to me that people always need to make Onika the bad guy…I am not a clown. That’s clown shit.”

“You knew that when that footage came out you would look dumb,” Nicki continued, explaining why Cardi and her team would make up the accusation. “I didn’t even feel the need to defend myself that night. …She has built her career off of sympathy and payola.”

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Nicki denied ever stopping bags from coming Cardi’s way, and actually accused her of more than a few things, including attacking a woman on Instagram whose child died, and calling the child a “monkey.” She called out Cardi for previously referring to darker skinned black women as roaches, and alleged that Cardi actually threatened a male rapper to not shoot a video with her. 

“The lord gave you a blessing with a bundle of joy and the only thing on your mind was to attack people and to stop their bags,” Nicki said, after suggesting Cardi might have postpartum depression. “Who are you angry at sweetheart?”

Nicki also brought on her friend Rah, who was involved in the NYFW brawl. They spent a good amount of time talking about the two women who are reportedly planning to sue Cardi B for allegedly organizing physical attacks on them. In the conversation, the women dragged Offset and blamed him for being the reason Cardi is so pressed, since Cardi reportedly thinks one of the victims slept with her husband. 

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October 28, 2018: The Leak, Allegedly

Cardi’s sister Hennessey Carolina went on social media to accuse Nicki of leaking Cardi’s phone number to the Barbz, leading to a barrage of hateful messages. “She leaked my sisters [sic] number to her fan pages,” Hennessey wrote.

October 29, 2018: “What Type of Bird Sh*t You Talking About?”

Nicki returned to Queen Radio, and unleashed a long monologue about Cardi, the fight, music, and pretty much everything else.

When it came to the fight, Minaj said that her friend Rah Ali did serious damage to Cardi (as opposed to Cardi’s telling, where security was to blame), and that there was footage to back that up. “Rah beat Cardi’s ass really bad,” Nicki said. “Rah beat you so bad that I was mad at Rah.”

Minaj also denied leaking Cardi’s phone number (“What type of bird shit you on, bitch?” she asked incredulously), and said that she had asked Cardi to collaborate, but got turned down. Nicki also claimed that she had been offered—and turned down—Cardi’s Fashion Nova deal, and offered to take a lie detector test to bolster all of her claims.

In more fashion news, Wilhelmina CEO Bill Wackerman took Nicki’s side, disputing Cardi’s claim that Nicki was Diesel’s second choice (behind her) to be the face of their Fashion Week campaign.

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October 29, 2018: Cardi Fires Back

In a series of 10 (!) Instagram videos, Cardi laid out her rebuttal. A list of key takeaways:

If she was getting beaten so badly by Rah Ali, why hasn’t any video of that surfaced yet? As Cardi memorably puts it, there was “so much footages” of the party and the fight.

Cardi cops to demanding that Nicki change her verse on “Motorsport,” saying that she refused to shoot the video unless the now-infamous “Nick Lombardi” line was changed.

Cardi claims that Nicki turned down a chance to be on “No Limit,” and then turned around and got upset at her management after it became a hit.

Cardi attacked payola claims, pointing out that her single “Money,” even before it was delivered to radio, was charting on iTunes—the same company that hosts Queen Radio.

Cardi claimed that Nicki was responsible for the phone number leak. It happened one hour after their fight, Cardi said. Adding to the circumstantial evidence, Cardi said that neither her new number nor her sister’s number had been leaked, and that no one in Nicki’s camp had either one. “How come everybody that y’all have issues with, and y’all got the numbers in y’all camp, they numbers got leaked?” Cardi asked.

Cardi claims that Nicki endorses her fans’ “sick-ass fucking behavior” by liking Twitter posts that advocate harassing Minaj’s enemies.

Cardi denied telling 21 Savage not to shoot a video for “No Flag.” Instead, she says, the song just wasn’t doing well.

All of this back-and-forth ended later that night in a truce…for now.

I have a question. Why haven’t we canceled Azealia Banks yet?

We have canceled many other celebrities for less and even questioned their mental stability but Bank’s flip-flopping ass seems to be allowed time and time again to be the face of the word “toxic” and “hypocrisy,” yet we just let her slide on through until her next episode.

The alleged musician (yes, alleged) has openly called herself a racist, openly been a homophobe, and consistently degrades black men and black women, and for some reason, people still try to rationalize her erratic behavior. Get sis some help. We want to get Chris Brown help, we want to get Kanye West help, we kicked out Omorasa (I still can’t spell her name even though it’s a google search away), Stacy Dash and Ben Carson, but nobody bats an eye at Azealia who embodies each of these people…except Chris because she hasn’t been in a domestic violence scandal (yet). I mean, sis didn’t event trend properly today.

If you’re not up to date with her shenanigans, let me walk you through it. Let’s start with most recently, her beef with Belcalis (Cardi B), and it’s not the first time she has attacked Cardi either. According to Bank’s argument, Cardi is a caricature of black women (despite being black herself) and apparently, black women cannot behave like Cardi and make it far. I mean, Tiffany Haddish literally becoming famous for pissing on people in a movie be damned, and to hell with Lil Kim’s entire essence back in the day (I still want her Got Dick shirt), and I mean we can just forget about Trina’s neck, her back, her pussy and her crack. Frankly, maybe if Bank’s focused on her career and being true to herself WITHOUT shitting on other people maybe, just maybe she too could be a proud, carefree black woman.

Banks is obviously not happy with herself and is projecting her insecurities onto other artists. Her lack of stardom without having someone’s name attached to the headline bothers her. Think about the last time you’ve seen Bank’s name in the news without someone else there. The only people who really care about her are her trash fans, and gossip blogs (myself included. I had time today).

And while the media has a strong bias for people of color, Bank’s issue is majorly her own fault. She’s just an unpleasant person. She attacks you today then loves you tomorrow. She loves you Wednesday then shits on you at 11:59 p.m. that same day. We saw that when she professed her love for Donald Trump, and then turned around recently and said he’s making a mockery of the presidency. Which is it Banks? Which is it? No one trusts her. She probably can’t turn her back on herself.

But let’s look at Bank’s hypocrisy response by response so you can see how vapid this woman truly is.

Let’s start with Trump:

Banks in her interview on the Problematic Brunch (The Breakfast Club) said: “Everybody keeps trying to pin this love for Trump on me, [but] that wasn’t the point,” Banks, around the 28-minute mark, said. “It was more so just about the tax break. I feel like the system’s the same on both sides, you know, no matter who you’re voting for. The American Dream, it rests on a systematically oppressed underclass . . . That’s just the name of the game, so either way you go, somebody’s getting fucked. Wouldn’t you wanna get a couple extra, like, 30 thousand dollars back on your tax return? You’re getting fucked either way.”

While Kanye was sharing Dragon Energy with Trump, she also had a few anti-trump words to say:

“No @kimkardashian Kanye is not ahead of his time. I said alllll of these things during the election. I had an actual reason for it. Never once did I call trump a good person or say he deserves ‘love’. Y’all are aggravating the black people at the expense of dragging their outrage into more clicks/streams etc for whatever Kanye is about to drop.”

“Outrage is internet engagement algorithm 101, y’all are not slick,” Banks continued. “Nothing at all profound, necessary or eloquent about anything your husband says. I wish you would make him read a book cover to cover before you send that black man into a world of white people with such base level theories as well as his very limited vernacular as pertaining to any of the pseudo-intellectual things he tries to say.”

“Kanye will never be the president and you will never ever be the First Lady. Give it up sis.”

But Prior to this, Banks was actually a proud supporter of Trump:

“First off, I would like to apologize to Donald Trump for all the stupid jokes I made. (I was kidding). secondly, I would like to apologize for all the other times I was dumb enough to let the liberal media sway my opinion of you. Thirdly I’m fucking proud as FUCK of you. One for being a gemini, two for being from NYC, three for winning the presidency and four for beating the media. The last part is your biggest victory in my eyes and I must say that I am TRULY inspired by this and feel deep amounts of vindication. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not crazy (even though I fronted a few times) liberals run hollywood and it’s been a COLD WORLD OUT HERE FOR ME AS A TRUMP SUPPORTER 😹. Best of luck on everything and thanks again. Sincerely – AB #TRUMP2017”

But don’t worry, true to her nature, she took those word back later:

“I made a major mistake endorsing toupey-toupee. Women’s rights are important and we must protect them. I tried … I reached … I even carried … I take it all back,” Banks wrote, adding that she “feels so dumb” and vows to “never mix music and politics ever again.” Oh, and also, she’s signing a record deal with RZA. 

Oh, but while women’s rights are important, she also wished gang rape on Sarah Palin.

Quick note: Majority of her outbreaks happen when she’s making music moves. Funny, considering she called Kanye out on his Publicity stunts. But moving along.

During this same year in May, Azealia admitted that she was racist while professing her support for Trump:

“So am I ! …. lol. Racism/Racialism is sewn into the fabric of our nation. It’s just who the f— we are,” she started, followed by “Trying to be all PC and pretending as if we aren’t racial/racist is not good for culture. Censorship is boring” and “Censorship is trash. Television and Movies are even boring now because of it. No one can say anything anymore.”

I’ll get to her homophobic tweets later (maybe, because this post is getting pretty damn long), but she apologized for being racist later. This was after she called Zayn from one direction a “Sand Niggxx”:

I don’t think anyone has issued more apologies than Azealia. She supposedly doesn’t care about anyone’s opinions yet an apology is always ready. Remember when she apologized to Nicki Minaj, Beyonce, and homosexuals? Because screenshots are forever.

Nicki Apology

Beyonce apology

Homosexual Apology

LGBTQ Apology

Remember that time she said she doesn’t apologize, then apologized, then came back and said she means what she says?

Now,  people are saying we can’t hold her accountable for the things she said in the past because it takes away from the message of colorism and media bias she was trying to make in her interview. But that’s not how that works. While people are fully capable of growth,  Banks has shown time and time again that her apologies are nothing more than damage control to save herself as she then repeats the same antics again.

Amara La Negra has been actively speaking about color bias in the industry and had Banks truly been down for the cause, she would have focused on that. Hell, before Amara we’ve been talking about it and we didn’t call anyone an illiterate rat in the process because we know that they are victims of circumstances they did not create. Attacking victims of the system does not aid in dismantling it. She continuously name-drops people because of her dislike for them. I expect she’ll be delivering an apology to Cardi sometime in the near future as per usual because “growth.”

And while we are trying to make her the voice of Black America, do you remember when she called a black woman a gorilla?

Nothing says black empowerment and unity like chitlin juice

And in some twisted work of irony, she was mad at Cardi B twerking while pregnant and in a later tweet she said her future kids “won’t go online and find pictures of her butthole,” as she plays on respectability politics, but Banks herself is online with her cooter out because she thought letting her pubic free was empowering. If hypocrisy had a face it would be Banks, and frankly, that’s why, whatever her message, I cannot support it.

Banks doesn’t care about the plight of black people, she cares about digging her way through whatever scandal she can to finally grasp some form of relevancy. Everything she does is for herself while you all try to paint her as some martyr for being outspoken. The girl is trash.

Azealia Banks is a proud, narcissistic contrarian with a hard-on for attacking women in a poorly thought out scheme to gain some shine, all the while using serious topics in her faux attempt to sound educated and “aware” when really she’s a backass twattle fuck masquerading as an intellectual.

And just like “fetch” I wish you all would stop trying to make her happen.

    You can’t spell Hypocrite without Azealia Banks I have a question. Why haven’t we canceled Azealia Banks yet? We have canceled many other celebrities for less and even questioned their mental stability but Bank’s flip-flopping ass seems to be allowed time and time again to be the face of the word “toxic” and “hypocrisy,” yet we just let her slide on through until her next episode.