#4: Introduce yourself. | Jun. 28, 2018 15:45

so i had an episode of my anxiety attack right in the middle of the class earlier while introducing ourselves. fuck. and they were be like after the class: hala, may sakit ka ba sa puso? :(((( no, im sorry, i just have chest pain, palpitations, shaking hands etc when it attacks.

#3: Anxiety attack for thinking I'm about to go to school. | Jun. 28, 2018 11:56

Breathe in. Breathe out. You. Can. Do. It. Today.

#2: Crying with anxiousness - night | Jun. 27, 2018 22:24

On videocall: She just woke up and ready for work again. Just 30 after her work, she fell asleep on the table. Sleeping as if she's lack of sleep and just tired again. And my anxiety attacks again as if it saying; Don't waste your mom's effort again for giving you a chance to move you in Manila just to continue schooling again, don't fail, stop failing. I'm am afraid to try again. I seriously am. What if I am truly going to fail? What if my mom's goes down again? What if I disappoint the people around me again? What if I wont be good enough as what they are expecting. My chest hurts. My eyes hurt. I want to stop worrying but I just can't.

#1: First Day of School. | Jun. 27, 2018 11:09

New school, new environment. Baguio to Manila feels. Still alone. Starting a new life in here. Palpitations. Shaking. Messy thoughts. What if's. I hope everything will be fine. I hope. Sighs.

Making a new link on my tumblog, that whenever I start crying with my series of panic attacks and palpitations;

That maybe it could help me calm myself.

🗓️: 2 November 2017 📍: St. Joseph, Laoag City. 🌤️: That “no ligo, no kain” face.

🗓️: 31 October 2017 📍: Riverside, Ilocos Norte. 🍻: Eto yung mga panahong mapapainom ka nalang kahit sa tabi lang ng store ng kaibigan mo kasi una, miss mo na sila kasi fuck college hiwahiwalay kami {Ilocos, Manila and Baguio}. Pangalawa, miss mo nang uminom as if simple life lang na hindi sa mga pub, bar, club. Solid, miss ko na tong tatlong to. PS: We’re like 15 on that time. I love you, girls. 

Happy birthday, bestfriend. 🎂🎈

🗓️: 29 October 2017 📍: Fort Ilocandia Resort, Ilocos Norte. 🌊: Short hair don’t care.

This was for my ex but, I can say she’s forever within me but not as how as I was so in love with her. I’ve honestly moved on and so in love with someone else already.

Sitting on the rooftop. Single cigarette burning between my tembling fingers.

I miss you. No, I’m missing you, badly.

Citylights dancing in the middle of the night. Haze of tearing eyes watching as if it’s right. As the moth flirting in the amber hum of a distant street light.

I’m focusing on the dark night sky. As I’m looking on its ferocious nebula, Its glory heated shades, Its smoky hurting smell.

Looking down upon the single light in my hand.

This is where I would thought of you, For the final take and breath, Yet you are only in the stars and light Within a sky and a city we have prayed towards so many times.

I love you. For even without you, I say, You are forever within me.

“CIGARETTE AND CITYLIGHTS” — JJGA, December 07, 2016.

I just want to stay here and ride this wave of despair out but I can't just cancel my obligations. No one will understand why, so I gotta force myself to go out and do it. Use my remaining energy to concentrate on doing the minimum I need to get through this horrible day. Please, just let me survive today.

depression comix

I Beg for Perfect Serotonin

Ganito nalang lagi. Mayroong time of the day talaga inaatake ako ng mga suicidal thoughts ko though hindi ko naman talaga kayang saktan sarili ko pero maiiyak nalang din ako kasi sobrangn frustrating ng nangyayari sa loob ng isipan ko. Tipong masaya naman ako, totoong masaya, ang ayos ng relationship ko, ang legal sa pamilya ko at pamilya niya. Masaya naman ako sa pamilya ko, kuntento naman ako sa friends ko. Pero bakit ganun? Nakakafrustrate nalang na, pag magisa ako- nasa jeep man, naglalakad man pauwi, naliligo, bumibili ng pagkain magisa, gumagawa ng mga schoolworks ko dito sa loob ng unit, bigla akong inaatake ng suicide thoughts ko. Tipong I’d cry myself to sleep na naman kasi ganito na naman thoughts ko. I’m happy pero parang feel ko deep within me, I’m still sad. Lagi nalang,  di na nagbago. Since 2014 up until now, sometimes I’m so tired of these thoughts, na akala ko okay na ko pero hindi pala talaga. I feel so weak with these thoughts. I just hate my past memories maybe kaya ako nagkakaganito, hindi parin ako makamove on sa mga happenings before 2014. I feel like I’m being killed over and over again na ganito naging epekto ng mga happenings sa buhay ko. Fuck anxiety, fuck PTSD, fuck panic attacks, fuck people ruining other people’s life. God, please, help me. :(

after three months, i’m back!

“AYOKO PANG SUMUKO. BAKA BUKAS KASI MAHAL MO NA AKO.”

A quote from Hugot Snap.

Ayoko pa talagang sumuko kasi malay mo diba, bukas mahal mo na ko.

Malay mo bukas nasakin na yung buong atensyon mo.

Malay mo bukas ako na yung hinahanap hanap mo.

Malay mo bukas hindi na yung ex mo kausap mo nang may pagkahaba habang topic.

Malay mo bukas hindi na yung mga taong pinagseselosan ko ang kausap mo.

Malay mo bukas pag magkasama tayo ako na yung kausap mo at hindi na yung kachat mo sa messenger mo.

Malay mo bukas interesado ka na sakin.

Mahal, malay mo rin bukas wala na talaga ako sayo.

Pero takot lang talaga ako sa thought na baka pag nagopen up na naman ako, magagalit ka, mamisunderstand mo na naman. Baka mauwi na naman sa hiwalayan. Kahit pa sinabi ng kaibigan ko sakin,

“wag kang matakot jusko. pag nag break kayo isipin mo nalang na mas okay na un kesa mag stay sa toxic na relationship. ganyan kayo eh away bati away bati kunting ano lang break agad. puta.“ 

Ayokong sumuko. Aayusin pa kita, diba sabi ko, aayusin pa kita kung pagbibigyan mo ko. Eto, binigyan mo ko ng chance pero di ko alam kung pano ka ayusin, pano ka buoin. :( 

You never know how sad a happy girl is. You never know how she tries not to disappoint anyone but still, she's a disappointment. You never know how much she tries not to to hurt herself. You never know also how much she tries not to hurt anyone.  You never know how she loves and care about everyone. You never know when she's sleeping or not.

See me in your dreams. I love you all.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." I am too difficult to accept but for real, I know the right one's gonna come around and accept every flaws and imperfections I have, even not for now. 💘 Wish you'll meet your freedom and happines. I love you so much, I will always will.

Masyado lang talaga akong natuwa sa loob ng 8 Street tapos kunwari candid ganern diba? Mejo uso yun so mejo nakikiuso ako ganon. 😂😂 Haays. Nakakapagod talaga pag umuuwi ako ng QC. Like everyday may lakad, walwal here and there QC to Makati ganern and many more tas mag-isa pa ko nagwawalwal pa-south, pero pagbalik sa Baguio, tambak na tambak naman ng mga drawings, researchworks and plates. Nako nakoooo. :—) Sayang lang, di ko nameet si Jap ( @faithlangdonx ) pero okay lang, may next time pa naman. Tapos siya palang at si kuya Black superfriend ko dito e, kaya wala pa ko tumblr friends na nameet na iba. 😂😂 Puro facebook-internet friends na kasama ko mag-rp dati. Anyways yas. Bye. 😀😁

Inactive here na naman ako bcs of acads.

A memory that made me realize how really happy I am today.