it makes soo much sense for Fez to dream a life on the prairie kind of life. His life has been chaos since he was basically born, living in a strip-club with an abusive father and then with a drug dealer grandma who then 'leaves', and leaves him alone fenting for two businesses and a child to raise. In both season he's SO stressed and shit is constantly happening to him, with everyone turning to him when shit hits the fan. My man craves peace at heart.

six sexy words | reggie mantle; let me take care of you.

Notes:

Oh hello, hi. Guess whose inspiration has finally come back from the war? A while back, I was linked this really neat prompt list by a dear friend of mine and it.. Sparked a few things. So… I guess this is me, starting a new one shots collection?

All of these come from my own mind and I don’t take requests for one shots / prompts, btw.

This is the prelude to my Riverdale fic Gangsta. It kind of... explains how Alyssa wound up getting with Reggie in the first place. Events have been moved around / misplaced, etc.. Anyway.. yeah. I know nobody asked for this but here ya go.

Prompts:

taken from either [ HERE ] or [ HERE ] give or take. It could be one or the other or a mix of both at my own choosing.

catching his gaze lingering on you, i still remember everything about you, let me take care of you were the prompts used here.

Fandom / Character:

Riverdale | Reggie Mantle x Andrews!Sibling OFC, Alyssa

Fic Alyssa Appears In:

[ here ] - read at your own risk. looose af canon compliance and some kind of dark themes are present (kind of an older guy manipulating a younger girl then stalking her sitch so be warned) and are hinted at here.

Warnings:

This one is kind of.. angsty. And there are some dark hints that people reading the fic linked above will pick up on. They're only vaguely hinted at here, btw, so... yeah.

A backstory literally no one asked for, lmaoooo.

Tagging:

@BRITHEDEMONSPAWN is the only one currently on my Riverdale tag list, so…

** if you want to be tagged in my Riverdale stuff, lmk!!**

Other Stuff:

[ ABOUT MY WRITING | TAG LIST DOC - IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED, THAT IS. | FANDOMS I WRITE FOR]

I looked up just as Reggie looked down. I could feel the weight of his stare every single time he shifted his gaze towards where I sat in the back booth of the diner.

A strawberry milkshake sat in front of me, untouched. I wasn’t even sure why I was at Pop’s. It’s pretty much the only place for all the lovey-dovey couples of Riverdale to come out on a Friday night anymore and I had to be a glutton for punishment because I knew that this meant the odds of me having a Valentine’s solo date in public, where people would look at me and judge or feel sorry for me for whatever reason, were high.

Not that it bothered me, but when you can feel everyone around you watching you like you’re a landmine or something, it gets old real quick.

A chair scraping loudly against the tiled floor of the diner as it was dragged over drew me out of my own thoughts and I braced myself. Preparing myself to look up from my phone and Snapchats that I had open to find Cheryl or Veronica or Betty sitting there, a sympathetic look in their eyes.

Instead, I looked up from a Snap my friend back in Chicago had sent me and my mouth opened in surprise a little because Reggie sat there, the backwards facing chair pressing into his chest.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“It’s just another Friday.” I muttered, shrugging as I took a few noisy slurps of my milkshake and eyed him. “No hot female company tonight?” I gave him a mocked look of shock as I said it, laughing softly when his response was to pout right back at me.

“I mean, if you count the red-head I’m currently lookin at and I’ve been tryin to talk to all night, then yeah.” Reggie answered.

His answer caught me off guard and as a result, some of the strawberry milkshake went down the wrong way and I choked a little. Reggie chuckled, reaching over to lightly pop me between the shoulder a few times as he gazed at me in concern and amusement. “You good, princess?”

“Super. That would’ve been one hell of an obit though. Girl dies on Valentine’s Day while drinking a milkshake alone and nearly choking to death on strawberry bits.” I laughed and Reggie raised a brow.

“Guess dark humor isn’t your forte, huh?” I teased gently and Reggie gave a quiet chuckle.

“So… How are you feeling about being back in Riverdale?”

“It is what it is.” I answered, shrugging as my eyes wandered around the diner, taking in all the happy couples of Riverdale High.

My gaze settled on Reggie again and I struggled to come up with something even halfway passing as a conversation starter. Maybe that wouldn’t have been such a struggle for me if I’d stop getting lost in the depths of dark brown eyes… Or the way his tongue trailed ever so slowly over the outline of his mouth.

I found myself wondering why he was even over here talking to me to begin with. There was a booth full of River Vixens further towards the back, all laughing and whispering, and yes, occasionally calling his name.

I locked eyes with one of them and the sour look she gave me had me rolling my eyes.

“Hey, it’s gettin late. I doubt Andrews would want his sister walkin home alone…” Reggie trailed off under my amused gaze. I gave a soft laugh, finishing the last of my milkshake.

“Are you asking permission to walk me home, Reggie?”

“What if I am, baby girl?”

“First of all, it’s Alyssa…” I reminded him knowing fully well that it’d go in one ear and out the other, because it always has with him. Reggie’s been a nickname kind of guy for as long as I’ve known him and been friends with him. It’s nice to see that some things haven’t changed, even if at times that can be a little bit grating.

Baby girl just… has negative ties to it for me at the moment.

I winced at the thought and Reggie chuckled. “Okay, princess. Gotcha.” he muttered, leaning in a little. Reaching out and swiping his thumb over my bottom lip. I tried so hard not to tense up or flinch and I found myself hoping against hope that the little bit I did tense up went unnoticed.

I didn’t feel like answering questions and I didn’t want Reggie thinking I was weird or he’d offended me or something because honestly, he hadn’t. The whole thing was a me problem and it was one I was trying not to think about because I just wanted it all completely behind me. Forgotten about.

“You okay?” he asked, a brow raised as he eyed me in concern.

Crap. He noticed.

Apparently, the fact that he’s observant as hell hasn’t changed either.

I gave a soft laugh and nodded. “I just wasn’t expecting that. But it’s okay.” I quickly offered.

Deeper down, I have to admit… If so much hadn’t happened to me in Chicago, I’d definitely be falling hard and fast for Reggie Mantle all over again right now.

I did feel something. A sliver of a spark.

,, Don’t even think about it. The last time you felt sparks, you wound up getting in way over your head. Look where that got you, Alyssa…” that nagging little voice in the back of my mind spoke up, drowning out any and all other thoughts.

He’s my friend. Walking home with a friend isn’t a bad thing.

,, as long as it stops at friendship. Do you really think he’s just going to settle for you? He’s one of the big men on campus. Every girl wants him. Why would he choose you with all your current issues and that big nasty past of yours hanging over your head, threatening to ruin everything?” - and with that thought acknowledged, I smiled and cleared my throat. Breaking through his thoughtful daze with a soft laugh. “Earth to Mantle… You in there?”

“Yeah, yeah. I was just thinkin.”

“About?” I asked the question before I could stop myself.

“About how nice it is havin you back in Riverdale, Alyssa. You were always one of my favorite people.”

I smiled fondly.

Sitting down the styrofoam cup I’d drained of it’s contents, I rose up from my spot on the booth and held out my hand. “C’mon, lug.. If you insist on walking me home, we should probably get going… Stupid town curfew.”

“It is kind of dumb, huh? I mean, it’s not like we actually have a serial killer here.”

“It’s not like we don’t either. Sorry. I watch too many true crime documentaries.”

“No, you just lived in that big city too long. You forgot how safe and isolated it really is here.” Reggie chuckled. He slipped an arm around me and I tensed a little before I could stop myself.

I know he noticed it again, but he lowered his arm. Gave me an apologetic smile.

“Hey… do they still have those swings out behind the elementary?” I asked as we stepped out of the diner. He eyed me and smiled. “Yeah, why?”

“Well, since we do have a little bit of time left before I absolutely must be walking in my father’s door, I thought maybe we could go sit on them and talk? Like we used to? For old times sake?”

Reggie gave a soft grin. “I’d like that.”

“Just don’t try to send me into orbit like the last time I let you push me, okay?”

Reggie chuckled, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he stared down at me.

I snapped my fingers in his face. “Hey…”

“Yeah, yeah. Look, I make no promises.” Reggie teased. I pouted up at him and we started to walk across the parking lot.

“You’re a lot quieter now, Alyssa. Skittish.. Are you sure you’re okay? I still remember everything about you and you weren’t skittish at all… If you wanna talk about it, you know you can talk to me, right?” Reggie asked as we walked towards the playground down the block. I sighed quietly.

“I’m not!” I spoke up, glancing up at him. Hoping he’d buy it and not keep pushing. Because I’m just not ready to talk about what I managed to get myself caught up in. And you just don’t want to see the disgusted look in his eyes when you do talk about it and he realizes just how stupid and pathetic you really are, the thought came but I shoved it out quickly. For the next minute or two, that heavy silence settled between us. I didn’t address the fact that he said I could talk to him. I know I could but… I just can’t right now. I need time. I need to get my head around everything.

And I don’t want to deal with the disgust I know he’ll probably feel. I know he will because I feel it, every single time I look at myself in the mirror. My parents and Archie keep insisting it’s not my fault, but all I can see is that I was the one who willingly got involved with the people I got involved with in the first place. I’m not stupid. I had to know that Dave didn’t really give a shit. That he was probably using me to stroke his own massive ego. That he purposely picked me when he sensed some deep hidden vulnerability. But I’m the one who let it happen. And I’m the one who let it go on for as long as it did and I allowed it to get to the scary point that it got to…

So yeah.. Pretty sure I don’t want to dump all this on Reggie Mantle and then see him look at me differently. I just… can’t.

I want to, but I can’t.

I hugged myself when the wind picked up, wishing I’d had the common sense to grab a thicker jacket before I left my dad’s house earlier. Reggie stopped our walk and slipped off his letterman’s jacket, holding it out. I eyed it and then him.

“Oh no. No. I’m not about to get my ass kicked by your fanclub.” I teased gently.

In reality, I knew that having the scent of his cologne so close to me would probably stick with me. It’d be too much temptation. Taking his jacket was a slippery slope.

“C’mon. Stop being so stubborn, woman. Look at you, shivering right now… You always took care of me back then. Let me take care of you, okay?”

He stepped closer. Not too close. Close enough that I knew if things were different, I’d totally be pouting right now because I’d want him closer. Before I could answer him, he slipped the jacket around my shoulders and I gave a soft and amused laugh. “Better, Reggie?”

“Yeah.” he answered. I tried not to notice it, but I couldn’t help myself. His eyes darted down and settled on my lips. His gaze lingered.

My heart hammered just a little harder against my chest.

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, trying not to think about the way he was looking at me currently and the way it made me feel. Because someone’s made me feel that way before but they turned out to be the most toxic person I’ve ever known.

I just.. I don’t know if I can trust myself or anyone else right now.

But I want to. God, I want to.

Order from Haikyuu Teens,

uhh ,, hello !! if it’s not too late , could i get a dalgona matchup latte please ? i am a infp-t & my enneagram type is 9 ! people who didn’t really know but now they do say that i always looked/seemed like the kind of person who is really cold & stuck up (only bc i look “mean”) . i’m very loyal . i’m the kind of person who’ll support & be there for my friends . i’m also caring (maybe a little too caring from what my friends tell me. but, i even know that myself) & i tend to be really selfless . once i get to know you , i’m really childish & i always try to make a dumb joke to make you laugh & ,,, i become more talkative & loud . i always catch myself rambling about random things & having too much enjoyment talking about things that i really like . mainly , only people who are close to me see how i really act & behave . i was never really an out-there kind of person ,,, i always like to keep to myself . but moving on to cons , i’m a total pushover— like— i’m not even going to lie about that fact . it sucks but , it is what it is . i overthink waay too much & it causes to make myself panic sometimes . i’m really stubborn & i also really don’t know when to shut up & i tend to be very vain . i also keep my feelings to myself because i feel like i’ll be such a burden or just ruin the mood . i’m a total lazy person & i tend to really take things to heart (which makes me want to morph myself into a person that someone wants me to be) & dear gOd ,,,, i’m so awkward (that it even makes my friends feel uneasy or awkward as well) . i really love to draw , stay up late , sing , & dance (even though i’m very terrible at both ^__^;;) . i also really enjoy being stupid on calls , sending memes , korean food , & kpop ! hmm … my dislikes ? well— i don’t like it when people are obviously being rude for no reason . i dislike very bright colors (neons) , spiders , getting dirty , the cold , & squash . let’s see … in a relationship , i like someone who will make feel safe & loved . i have very low self-esteem so i seek someone who is supporting , too . someone who is caring even if they tend to act cold or maybe stubborn . & i like someone who’s going to be there for me like i’m always going to be there for them , no matter what . i also really like a someone who is strong , cool , & protective . i do like that small things like “hey , go to sleep .. its late” & “good morning/good night” text , heh . but i things i don’t like too much in a relationship is too much pda . i’m not really a big fan of making out in the halls & stuff . but ofc i don’t mind holding hands & small kisses on the lips (i like to show all my love & affection behind closed doors) .

aCK- i hope this is okay & not too much- sorry if it is !! i hope you have a wonderful day ! :>> i really love your blog ♡♡

Thank you so much for ordering and checking up on Kyupid's Love Shop. One Dalgona Matchup Latte coming up! Huh, I’ve been seeing lots of side effects for this one… anyways, I matcha up with ˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥

➞ before you two were in a relationship, ryuu didn’t actually… particularly like you, he was still smitten with ms. kiyoko y’know

➞ he’s sadly one of those people who do judge the book by its cover, but only because he prefers to be surrounded by positive people, and well… you didn’t particularly radiate that kind of vibe with, uh, your face (he really do be a hypocrite though with that ‘grr grr thug’ face of his 😔✌️)

➞ ryuu found you so intimidating (and beautiful, but he was in denial back then), you once saw him do his signature ‘gangsta’ look at you; yeah… y’all definitely didn’t get along at first — but ahem, let me introduce you to another matchmaker, ennoshita!

➞ enno knows your true personality and he vibes with you so well, therefore it really confused him when you accidentally slipped in something about ryuu’s attitude towards you during one of your guys’ convos (y’all were in a group project together) and he knows the reason why ryuu tends to avoid you, so he devised a plan to get you two to know each other: have a study date!

➞ when ryuu walked into the room and saw you, mans turned into the flash and just dashed towards the exit — but enno was one step ahead, so he got nishi to lock the doors before dropping off tanaka, and his attempt to leave failed

➞ it was soooo embarrassing for the both of you when enno kept on trying to keep a conversation going between the two of you; but when he decided to leave to make hot chocolate, ryuu apologizes and voices his concerns, and you just reply with “oh… oh, yeah that kind of happens… a lot” so you try to explain your side; he was honestly heartbroken from hearing that you experience it often, so he made it his mission to make it up to you

➞ and now would you look at that! you and ryuu are suddenly a couple now— (better thank enno for that)

➞ he will apologize profusely about the way he treated you beforehand, even if you’ve already told him a millions times that it’s fine; like y’all already have kids and he’ll still be like:

“hey, honey…”

“yeees?”

“you remember that time in high schoo—“

“omg, ryuu, not this again…”

“i just want to say that i’m so sor—“

“it’s been 19 years!”

➞ you will honestly feel like a queen, i’m being legit here; he’ll not only be your king, he’ll also be your knight in shining armour, and your butler — he’s the whole package, bby, and you’re one lucky girl to get all of that

➞ you think you’re too caring? nah, ryuu’s about to show you the life of a full time simp (skjkskss ik that being a simp is like so looked down on, but ik that every girl wants a man who’s a simp anyways)

➞ i’m kidding, he’s actually not a simp (A man who foolishly overvalues and defers to a woman, putting her on a pedestal) but more so he’s a doting boyfriend; you just know that you’re always gonna be at your best once you get into a relationship with him, so in a way, you are treated like a queen but not to the point where he worships the ground you walk on

➞ unless you tell him that you need some space, he’ll either have his arm lightly snaked around your waist or his hand resting on the small of your back; it’s his way of knowing that you’re protected and safe around him

➞ this relationship’s dynamic works extremely well since you both balance each other’s personalities in the aspects that you won’t have to worry about being a pushover around him since that’s not something that’ll occur with him; your more reserved personality compliments his outgoing one since if ever needed, you two could bring out the other side more in each other; he tends to have a more free personality (he’s still mature, but tends to enjoy life’s offerings) so whenever he feels that you’re overthinking again, he will coo and just reassure you that it’s okay to overthink sometimes, but it’s not worth having it control your entire mood and day

➞ ngl, he’s hella stubborn as well, but when it comes to you, he makes sure to understand your thinking first and then decide before he’ll let you take control — unless he thinks you’re completely wrong, then he won’t hesitate to put a foot down because he’s not going to help you turn into a spoiled brat, which is what hubby-material boyfriends do!

➞ to him though, it’s okay to be a lil’ vain, everyone wants to look to their best! but if it does however is on the verge of crossing the line of being full-on narcissistic, then he’ll confront you about it and ask you about why you’re acting the way you are, he’ll just try to put you into healthy-thinking mode back again

➞ you like memes? welp, that makes the two of you then! he definitely sends those wholesome memes, but his most favourite one to send you (especially as one those ‘good morning texts’) is:

➞ then he follows it up with ‘good morning, babe. strong power thank you to you always 😙😙 i love you so much. see ya at school!’ (aight, sorry, i just had to)

➞ kpop dances and karaoke on. the. daily! it doesn’t matter which song he’s dancing/singing to, as long as he gets to see you smile and know that you’re happy, he’ll do it all for you; he’ll also be your hypeman, and you’ll legit feel as if you’re an actual kpop idol with all the cheering he does — we love a supportive bf in this household

➞ *cough* he’ll sing lemonade by jeremy passion to you and he sounds so fokin beautiful— *cough*

➞ during calls with him, all you can hear is very loud laughter; whoever hears it (saeko for the most part) will just unconsciously smile since your guys’ laughs are just so genuine, even if it sometimes sounds a bit like a bunch of overheated kettles, they’ll just know that you both are having such a good time together and i mean, who wouldn’t want something like that?

➞ with you, he’s the type to send a message asking if you’re awake at like 2 AM, and if you do reply then expect him to come thru your window with some food in hand because he just felt like hearing your voice and seeing you; if not, then he’ll just send some cute message like ‘sleep tight and have good dreams, baby, i’ll see you tomorrow at school’

➞ once you two started dating, ryuu just had a more realistic view of relationships and he honestly prefers it way more than the scenarios that he’s created; now he appreciates privacy when it comes to showing affection instead of full-on just laying it all out in public, it just makes it that much more special to him; holding hands and just small skin contacts is his much more preferred pda than bear-hugging you or kissing you

➞ he’s not as needy as most expected him to be, in fact he actually often just caters to your needs because to him that’s enough; so expect small gifts here and there like making you a bento box, buying you strawberry milk, key-chains and bracelets, etc.

➞ he’s just more mature when he’s in an actual relationship because he does think that that’s something special that should only be shared between the two lovers; that doesn’t mean that he won’t occasionally show you off though, so you may or may not accidentally hear him rambling to the vbc about how lucky he is to call you his

➞ he will remember and notice every little thing about you; he notices that you’re humming some new kpop song absentmindedly? he’ll ask you about it during lunch; you made a small comment about liking korean food? he’ll make some for you! and best believe it tastes amaaaaaazing

➞ with ryuu, the thought of being a burden won’t ever cross your mind because he will often remind you that you make his days so much better and thank you for it (just good shet right here)

➞ even if you feel bad for not going to gyms with him because of your tendencies of being a lil’ lazy, he won’t force you at all; he’ll either just give you a kiss on the lips and walk you home before going, or he’ll call you whilst he’s at the gym; you’ll just feel so appreciated

➞ oh, and you won’t ever have to be worried about being awkward! there’s no such thing when you’re with your boyfriend ryuu, everything just comes so natural when you’re with him, everything will just feel so right

➞ this is the relationship that everyone knows will eventually turn into marriage and building a joyous family, and everyone expects to be invited because they all wouldn’t want to miss any part of yours and ryuu’s genuine relationship that they’ve all more than likely have been a part of since the beginning; in short, everyone wants to witness your relationship’s full story till it’s very end.

I hope you enjoyed your Dalgona Matchup Latte! Here’s a visual of your chaotically genuine relationship with Tanaka Ryuunosuke: After seeing your true persona during the study sesh with Enno, he’s become all flustered every time he looks at you instead of looking at you with his usual ‘imma thug’ look; Your first kiss (he planned it, no kidding — literally place, time, the vibes, he just wanted it to be perfect for you); Tanaka likes to take his shirt off, so when you both cuddled for like the third time, and just blacked out from exhaustion after a heavy day of practice, he wakes up to find you cuddled up against his chest which is bare, this man screams— his thoughts were like ‘omg, did we do it? was i drunk? omg, pls forgive me, y/n 😭’… and you’re just left there like ‘bruh, dafuq?’; when he’s feeling appreciative of you or just being soft in general, he hugs you similar to the gif and kisses your temple before burying his face into your hair to whisper “i love you so much, y/n, you don’t even understand”; him holding your hand to his face and just talking to you, whether it’s about your day or his, or telling you how much he loves you, is probably something that he does all time whenever you two are alone.

Thank you so much for ordering and being patient with Kyupid's Love Shop, I hope you’ll still order in the future! Have a very very lovely day, sweetie ♡⋆.ೃ࿔*

an: lmao, forget about kiyoko, you his girl now. periodt.

sorry this took waaay too long, bby 😔 the spa day turned into a whole pamper-me day so i was out all day… i’m really sorry, i hope you still like your order even though it came later than promised 🥺 if there’s anything wrong (gif, colored texts not showing up) then please message me!

tanaka is waaaay too underrated, but i honestly think that he’ll literally be one the top 5 best bfs from haikyuu, like legit this man will make you feel like a damn queen (kiyoko do be lucky tho) maybe not in the beginning, but like definitely after a few weeks or so.

Easy as Pie

Summary: Dean thinks that the road to dessert is quick, easy, and unchallenged. You are about to prove him all kinds of wrong. Characters: Dean, Sam, OFC Rae, Female Reader  Rating: E for everyone  Word count: 1470ish 

A/N: This is 100% fluffy garbage I churned out today. It popped in my head because I’m sure people assume my music taste based upon my professionalism/cuteness. But this girl can bust out “Gangsta’s Paradise” and “Smoke On The Water” like it’s nobody’s business. Don’t judge a book by its cover - as Dean learns in this quick fic. 

I’m tired.

Strike that. I’m butt-numb-from-sitting-in-Baby-too-long, fed-up-with-crappy-hotel-beds, indigestion-from-too-much-road-food tired. 

We are miles from my memory foam, chasing down weirdo deaths by ‘animal attack’. Apparently, another mythical story has come to life, this time from the Souix, and Sam is telling me all about it in excruciatingly thorough detail.

“So, get this. According to the legend, the very first dog made a pact with the first man and woman to take care of her puppies after she died, and that humans and dogs would always be loyal companions to each other. Provide shelter, food, mutual protection, etc. However, if a human ever broke that pact…”

My ears are actually bleeding. “All bets are off.”

“Right. No more protection, and the wronged..dog, I guess...would retaliate against the...wrongdoer,” Sam stumbled out. “I’ve been reading the lore, and-”

“Sammy, hold up a second.” I held up a hand and stopped in front of the Victory Cafe. “I’m tired. Like, ready to let you drive tired. Can we just stop with the lore and the ME reports and the, the, the freakin’ killer Ol’ Yeller stuff for thirty minutes? I gotta get some real food and coffee that doesn’t come from a gas station. Please?” Eyebrows popped up that huge forehead almost to his hairline, but he just nodded as he closed his journal and tucked it under his arm.

“Yeah. Got it. Sorry.”

I sighed as I turned back towards the cafe. “Now. Rainbow unleashed her research magic and found us another winner. Let’s eat.”

Twenty minutes later, the double cheddar cheese layering my burger was blissfully floating in my veins. Better than B12. Rae caught me side-eyeing her thirteen remaining French fries - not that I counted - and smiled as she nudged her plate toward me.

“They’re all yours, tiger. However, I do feel compelled to tell you that this place is famous for their pie,” she chirped out, bobbing her chin towards something behind me.

Something in my neck popped I turned so quickly and made my tongue numb, but I didn’t care. All I could see was the glass-covered cake stand on the counter. Our waitress stood rolling flatware into napkins as I walked up.

“Hi, there! You folks still doing all right?”

“Even better ever since I learned you got pie!”

She beamed a hot pink, cigarette-wrinkled smile at me as she gestured towards the white glass dome. “Yes, sir! We’ve got exactly one slice left!”

Euphoria poured through me as I returned her smile. “I betchya it’s got my name on it.”

“Actually, I’m sure it has my name on it.”

Eyes. And legs. Holy crap. I mean, if I wasn’t so ready to throw down for this slice, I mean...wow. She was busy chatting up Polly Jean, every so often glancing at me with those eyes.

But - pie.

“Well, hun, my regular here says she called in an order for that pie.”

I will not be defeated.

I turned on the charm, leaning against the counter as I grinned lazily at Polly. “She might be a regular, but you said I was your favorite. Don’t favorites get a little sugar, sweetness?” I threw in a wink that may or may not have been caused by sugar deprivation. Or fear. Luckily, Polly giggled and batted her eyelashes at me.

“Well, now, I don’t know…” 

Sparkling-Eyes scoffed. “You’re not seriously buying this, Polly, are you?” 

I couldn’t stop the smirk. I should have, I know. But it’s an involuntary response for me, like blinking. “Now, don’t you talk that way to my girlfriend.” 

Perfectly eye-liner’d - is that a word? it’s a word - perfectly eye-liner’d eyes narrowed at me before they rolled fit to put Sammy to shame as she crossed her arms over her chest and stood straight on those legs. Holy crap.

“Listen up, Cool Hand Luke. I called fifteen minutes ago and ordered that slice of pie. It’s mine.”

“Did you pay for it?”

She blinked - hah! Hesitation!

“No.” I smiled and gestured as if to say, ‘well, there you have it’.

“Why don’t you fight for it?” Betrayal. I turned to look at Rae, the look on her face 100% mischief at the suggestion. Sammy, damn him, just sat here, out of words for the first time in ever. Smiling.

A snort from Sparkling-Eyes turned me back around. She eyed me up and down, the smirk on her face now.

“Good idea. How about a karaoke sing off?”

What? 

“What?”

Rae squealed and climbed over Sam to get out of the booth, bobbling her phone on the way. “I’m pulling up YouTube for karaoke music!”

“Now just wait a minute.” 

Sparkling-Eyes grinned confidently as she sauntered to Rae’s side. 

“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Scared?”

“Not a chance. But, we need to make it fair. I mean, I’m all classic rock, and you,” I gestured towards her and her fancy red-soled patent leather and her pearls. She stilled where she leaned over Rae’s shoulder, peering up at me through her lashes. 

Looking back at it, her smile at that moment should have been a warning.

“Me? I’m all Sarah McLachlan and Handel’s ‘Messiah’?”

I raised my hands in surrender. “I just want to give you a fighting chance.”

She rested a hand on one hip - good Lord, those hips - and smiled again. 

“What a gentleman.” She leaned to whisper into Rae’s ear, stepped out into a more open space, and winked at me.

Then, the music started.

She’s my cherry pie. Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good, makes a grown man cry. Sweet cherry pie!

Then, her eyes. She started...looking at me. Singing right to me.

Well, swingin’ on the front porch, swingin’ on the lawn, swingin’ where we want cause there ain’t nobody home. Swingin’ to the left and swingin’ to the right, if I think about baseball, I’ll swing all night, yeah!

Then, her hips started. Every beat got a swing, each swing hit me harder. The lyrics spilling from her glossed up lips kept on coming.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for her. Don’t even try ‘cause you can’t ignore her. Each note true, she stepped up into me, walking two fingers up my chest, and booped me. She actually booped me on my nose.

She’s my cherry pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise. Holy crap. Tastes so good, make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie! What is happening right now? She’s my cherry pie, put a smile on your face, ten miles wide. I might cry. Looks so good, bring a tear to your eye. Sweet cherry pie! 

I think Sammy is laying face down on the table doing that high-pitched, wheezy laugh he does when he gets super tickled. Rae might be legit cackling as she taps away at her phone. It’s hard to know for sure because I can’t move. All I can do is stand there in shock.

My pie is gone.

Polly doesn’t wait for my turn - not that it’s even necessary - as she wobbled the slice of flaky, fruity goodness into a clear plastic container with aplomb and handed it over to her. The, Sparkling-Eyes sashayed over to me with her prize. With one finger, she lifted my jaw closed with a nudge under my chin, then cupped my face in her hand. 

“Better luck next time, sweetheart.” Then, she waltzed out the door.

Holy crap.

Wiping a hand at the hilarity misting his eyes, Sam dragged his bag over a shoulder and ambled over to Rae and me.

“I’m sending this to Charlie,” she crowed, bopping up and down on her toes in her glee.

“Just hang on, Benedict Arnette. Stop your potty dance and don’t send anything.”

Rae didn’t even complain about my label for her little jig as she trotted to grab her to-go ginger ale. Sam draped one of his orangutan arms on my shoulders, his mouth twitching as he tried to stop laughing.

“You got beat by a girl!” Fresh guffaws chortled against my arm as I elbowed him off me.

“Shut up.” Before I could stomp away, Polly snagged my attention, waggling a white paper bag at me.

“It’s not pie, but it’s on the house, sugar.” I shot her a wink before tossing another wounded frown over my shoulder as the two traitors tipsy-giggled their way after me. A peak at Polly’s gift showed a chocolate chip cookie as big as my face. I ain’t sharin’.

Out on the sidewalk, a glance to my right saw those legs taking those eyes on their way. As if she knew I was there, she turned around and gave a flirty little wave. Turning a corner, she was gone.

Taking my pie with her. Maybe a piece of my heart, too.

Tagging my 2 lovelies: @thesassywallflower and @pinknerdpanda. :0)

Birthday Surprises

I loved writing this one. Its in my top five.

Happy Reading Dollies!!

It was the day of your 23rd birthday and you couldnt spend it with you Old Man. Happy was in prison for 18 months on gun charges. Looking at the clock, nine am. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes. You heard a knock at the front door. You grabbed your pistol, and slowly walked to the door. Peeping out the peep hole. A guy with flowers. "Can I help you". You asked. "Umm, I have a flower delivery to a Y/N Lowman". You opened the door, there was two dozen purple, green, blue and black roses. Your favorites. "Thank you". You said as you took them from him and walked back in side. There was a note. "Happy Birthday Y/N, I'm sorry I cant be there to give you birthday sex. To kiss my favorite lips on you also to kiss those plump lips that taste like cherry lip glose". You laughed. "I wanted to spend the day in bed, tangled and sweaty. Then I would make you stay in bed and make you lunch. Some more sex and a nap, so you would be ready for a fucking bash at TM. After partying and drinking we would go to the dorm and have incredibly dirty sex". "But we cant and I hate myself for it". "I just want this day to be special to you and for you not to be sad". "I love you Y/N Lowman and I cant wait to be in your arms and in between your thighs". "LOVE Happy aka your Daddy". You wiped away a tear, he planned this before he went in. God, you missed him. Looking back at the clock, it was almost ten now. Have to get dressed and go to work. Pulling up to TM, you saw Gemma with balloons and a cupcake. "Happy birthday sweetie". "Thanks Gem, you didnt have to do anything". "Nonsense, now blow out your candle". As you blowed, your one wish was for Happy to come home. "What you wish for"? "I cant tell you or it wont come true". You laughed. She shook her head, giving you your cupcake, balloons she hugged you and you walked to the office. Sitting everything down, you dived right into work. You were so busy you didnt see the van pull up and a guy getting out. "Excuse me, is there a Y/N Lowman here"? "Uhh, sorry yeah thats me". "These are for you". He said as he handed you three gift boxes. "Thank you". You opened the first. It was a very beautiful neckless that had a crow with a thorn crown . The second was one of your favorite movie Suicide Squad with a neckless of Harley Quinns Daddys Little monster. The third had another note. "I hope you like the neckless, Baby girl". "It will look great"  "i know you love that movie, when we saw it in theaters you couldnt stop talking about Captain Boomerang and El Diablo" "I know you have a crush on them, I'm good with that as long as you take that lust and use it on me". Now to the big gift, I want you to wear it tonight to the club house. Gemmas throwing you a party and she said she would take pictures of you". "I'm sorry I cant be there to tell you how fucking sexy  you look or to make you late to the party, looking so flustered, your hair out of place and your make up alittle smeared". "I love you and I want you to have a good time, I told Chucky to watch over you and to limit your drinks so some asshole wont try something". "Have fun and I cant wait to see you". "LOVE Happy". You had the biggest smile on your face, you still couldnt believe this. Opening the tissue paper, you held up a strapless black dress. You had mentioned this dress to Happy two months before he went in. Not waiting for tonight you, slipped on the dress. It fit you perfect, showing your curves off and your crow tattoo in the middle between your breast that Happy designed himself. With your dress on, you went back to work. Time passed fast as you looked at the clock it was four thirty and close to quiting time. Finishing up papers, you got a phone call. A Unknown number. "Hello". "Happy Birthday Sexy Mama". "HAPPY"! You screamed "WOAH quite down Baby Girl, your going to get me in trouble". "I miss you so much, I cant wait for you to be home". "Me too, I cant wait to get you in bed". He grunted. "Hap, we wont make it to the bed room. When I see you I'm taking you right there and then". You moaned. "Fuck girl, so you liken that dress". "I am, it shows everything you like". You smiled devilishly "I bet, I cant wait to get my hands on you". "They are never coming off of you again for so long". "Good, you better never leave me again". "I wont, listen baby I gotta go". "I love you". "I love you too and be safe". The line went dead. You were so relieved to hear his voice. Knowing that he was alright. After you talked to Happy time just disappeared, Gemma came an told you that it was closing time. She also told you that there was a surprise in the clubhouse. Walking in you saw Gemma, Tig , Tara, Chucky and a few others. They all had party hats and confetti throwing it at you. "Guys, you didnt have to do this". You laughed as you dusted the confetti from your hair. "We couldnt let your birthday go by with out having a little party". Tig said. "Thank you guys, it means a lot that your all here". "Lets get this party started". The music bumping, the drinks flowing and Chucky watching you like a hawk. It was a great little party. "Hey Y/N come sit down and put this on". Gemma handed you a blindfold. "No strippers Gemma, Happy would freak out". You laughed the alcohol kicking in "Just sit and wait, what Happy doesnt know wont kill him". She walked away. Putting on the blindfold a song was playing that you knew very fondly. It was Happy and yours rough sex song. Gangsta by Kehlani. Letting the music in, you moved you body back and forth. You felt someones hands on your shoulders. Feeling nervous you pushed them off. Someone pulled you up and made you sit down on someones lap. You wanted to run but the smell had you confused. It smelt like Happy. Slowly taking your blind fold off. Blinking to get use to the light, you saw Happy. "HAPPY, your home". You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed his face all over. "Easy Girl". He grabbed your head, kissing your deeply. His tongue demanding entrance, you melted to his taste. "I've missed you so much Baby". "I've missed you even more". "You look super sexy to night". "Thank you, I have a very amazing super great husband that gets me". You kissed him "You deserve more and you're going to get it once we get money coming in". "I just want you and a dance with the birthday girl". "Lead the way Little Girl, its your day you can do what every you want". "Hhmm, what every I want". "Thats a dangerous game your playing Mr.Lowman". You grinned "I like dangerous, so I'm playing all night, make that all my life". He grabbed your hips bringing you closer. "Welcome Home Puddin". You laughed. "Happy Birthday Daddys Little Monster". Kissing your lips.

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs, epilogue

And with this, the novel is over. The original Japanese text was kindly provided by valgerdrgodiforseti. Thanks for reading!

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs by Kawabata Junichi

Epilogue (pages 221-229)

Trouble remained troublesome to the last, and, like in some kind of a vicious circle, trouble called even more trouble. In other words, the Benriya still had to deal with the two dead bodies. Such was the promise they had made with the Monroe family.

That said, they couldn't possibly haul the corpses with their throat or head dyed in conspicuous red on their backs to their office.

For the time being, Worick sat back on the couch where the nice guy, his suit rearranged to be even more gaudy, slept, and downed what was left in the whiskey bottle. About the time he was finished emptying his shot glass, a single car stopped at the entrance to the garbage dump. It was nighttime and this was a godforsaken back alley. Worick had already guessed from the engine sound that was all too loud in the silence that the car was an old-fashioned sedan.

The city's cleaning crew had arrived.

The old garbage collector got out of the car and, thrusting one hand in his pocket, started on his brazen approach. Worick, having put the glass on the armrest, got up to welcome him with a smile.

"Well, well, Chad-san, working overtime can't be good for your old bones." "You're the last bastard I wanna hear that from. Damn, whose fault d'you think it is?" "Oh, I wouldn't know. At the very least, not mine. Besides, Chad-san, we can't really let you clean up these particular bodies."

They were clamoring a little louder than what your usual expressions of thugs' tough love sounded, so Worick had fully expected this old dog with a perfectly working nose to show up here. He had an ulterior motive for hoping for the inspector's arrival, that being his wanting to push the troublesome chore of reporting what happened on the old man.

Chad shrugged his shoulders.

"Has to do with the Monroe family, right? I was told to give you best regards." "I see. Great timing then. These are the presents to Monroe-san. Can I trouble you to wrap them up in gift wrapping?"

When Worick asked that, Chad put a hand on his hip and made a face of utter annoyance.

"Please, papa." "Shut up, damn brat." 'Please, papa.'

Chad whipped around, to find Nicolas sticking out his tongue, which prompted the good inspector launch his clenched fist at the Twilight. Nicolas nimbly sidestepped it, but hastily put his hands up when he saw Chad taking out a revolver from his breast pocket.

The inspector breathed out a long heavy sigh.

"I've already made arrangements for packing up this parcel. In a few minutes, a cute subordinate of mine with bags under his eyes will arrive." "That's good to hear. Your capable newbies have it rough, as always." "None of them has any balls, I gotta say. In fact, they change so frequently that I've no time to memorize their names." 'That must be your age taking toll though? You should consider retiring asap.'

Chad glared daggers at Nicolas, but made no move to administer a physical rebuke this time. Instead, he opted to survey the two dead bodies, shifting his gaze from one to the other.

"2 presents, I take it?" "Yeah. Since they're gifts to Monroe-san, be sure to wrap them up in something suitably stylish." "Shuddup," Chad spat out. "If you're so concerned about appearances, first do something about those outrageous stripes. He'd look better in the nude than in those."

Finished, Chad returned to his car.

Worick smiled lopsidedly and waved his hand, "True, that."

On the way back, Worick left Nicolas in Theo's clinic and collected the two's belongings, as well as the violets that were put into the flower vase. Nina's expression turned troubled, but she didn't ask anything. Yes, she really was a good smart girl who would become a great woman one day. In exchange for the violets, Worick handed her some eustomas that he had bought on the way. He had a feeling that presenting her flowers sold in the middle of the night could drag her worth down, but Nina took them with a sincere smile on her face.

Next day, Worick got a call from Chad, informing him that the wrapping of two presents had been over and that he was expected to enclose a card and send them to the addressee already. Worick added the two's belongings and enclosed the violets he took from the sickroom, wrapping them as prettily as he could. Miles, who came to fetch the package as the Monroe family's errand boy, threw a suspicious glance at the flowers but didn't dig, only saying, "Good job."

What kind of face Daniel Monroe would make when he learned that the objective of the mafia slayers was but one girl who was already dead, at that? Worick tried to imagine it but gave up with a wry smile for the meaninglessness of it.

To that man, this case was nothing special. The mafia killings had undermined the equilibrium somewhat, but it had already been fixed. And besides, truly wise men knew that hopeless fools did exist.

This city wasn't a place where a couple of dogs could really make a difference, in any case. That fact applied both to the two outsiders and to Worick and Nicolas.

Tags couldn't even count on an individual grave, only a random hole in the ground they would be thrown into carelessly in piles. It was all too likely that those two would share the same fate. That was the way to die they had chosen. Results-wise, the biggest difference their deaths were able to make was to usurp a few dozens of seconds of the news-time, and that was it.

In hindsight, for the Benriya, this whole affair wasn't a big deal.

They just lent their bed to a woman for only slightly longer than usual and then got to know a very strange duo for a very short time. One half of the duo, a man of small stature, hopelessly lacked taste and was prone to forgetting most things. The other half, a youth with a pretty face, was timid and knew freedom, if only the tiniest bit. And that was all.

Worick could recall everything that happened to them to the last detail, but there was no deeper meaning to it. The layout of the furniture at the garbage dump and the value of information was still unchanged.

The air humidity levels got somewhat more tolerable though. A few more days, and the odor of the dogs would disappear.

With the money he had received from Miles as a pay, Worick bought another bundle of flowers. After only a short agonizing while, he picked pink tulips. A bit too childish, perhaps, but he had a feeling that the girl they were meant for would be happier to receive something like that. What's more, the tulips' quiet, docile fragrance was a good fit.

He laid those flowers at a public cemetery, with its murky puddles of still water here and there, just like in the back streets of this city. Closing his eyes, Worick recounted what became of the request, and with this, he was finally freed from this case.

He returned to the office with resolute determination not to move another muscle today.

First, he took a long shower, washing away the smells of blood, perfume, other things that he could no longer tell apart. When he exited the bathroom, the mirror reflected the scars below his neck. They were so thin and pale now that if one didn't know they were there, it was almost impossible to notice them, and in another week they would heal completely, disappearing without a trace.

Worick just finished wiping down his body and changing when the phone rang.

The blond Benriya left the house with quick strides, rolling up his sleeves as he went.

"Geez, we're still dead tired from yesterday's affair, for crying out loud, can't she show a little consideration?" 'Didn't you say no work today?' Next to him, Nicolas, thoroughly wrapped up in bandages, signed in displeasure with rough gestures of his hands. "It's a request from Granny Joel. Can't have smokes prices skyrocket," Worick flashed a troubled smile. 'Not again.' "Yeah, they just don't learn." 'I told you before, just let me loop off their limbs already.’ "Oh c'mon, don't be so eager. It's our valuable source of income, after all. When we're done, let's go grab something yummy to eat." 'I have a better suggestion.' "What is it?" 'Let me handle collecting the pay this time.'

With that, the corners of Nicolas' lips lifted up in a grin as he kicked off the ground powerfully, going on ahead with leaps far faster than the speed Worick could hope to keep up with.

"Ah! Hey, partner! Stealing a march on me again?! That's not cool!" 'You're just too slow. Don't rush it, just catch up whenever.'

Worick scratched his head and broke into a run, chasing Nicolas who looked like a child with his katana bobbing up and down with every jump.

En route, the edge of Worick's vision registered a glimpse of a skinny stray dog sitting in a back alley. The sight revived the picture on the hood of a too stylish car for a second.

Worick's head never forgot anything. He could remember in vivid details the comically exaggerated sneer on the face of the now destroyed dog, as well as the crooked smile its owner flashed in his last moments. When he thought that those images would probably float in his mind's eye every time he saw a stray dog now, he smiled a tiny smile, as if prompted by them.

← to chapter 5

What I'm watching Feb-June 2017

April/May

Sooooo, maybe back in April or May I watched Kiznaiver in its entirety. Since January, it was the only show I didn't give up on or loose interest in. And trust me, during these 4 months leading up to June, I started a lot of shows but never continued any of them.

So I really liked this one. Its a quick watch at 12 episodes and came out last year during the spring of 2016. But I never looked at it until I got a piece of merch for the show in a Loot Anime box I got.

It follows a boy named Agata who has no sense of pain, and really what seems like no emotion either. He lost it somehow in an event that happened in his past. Well one day he and 5 of his classmates get randomly abducted and become connected through pain. As in if one person feels pain, that pain is spread evenly throughout the other 5 people. This was done to fulfill a rather controversial experiment, as you can probably imagine, in order to harvest friendship among strangers. That's the general gist of the show, but you quickly learn that there is much more underneath the surface and it becomes absolutely fascinating.

I enjoyed the show because a number of the characters are well flushed out. And while the show depicts them at first as archetypes, we and others quickly learn that the characters are more a little more dynamic that what meets the eye. From then on its really a show about making friends developing feelings and try to figure out wtf happened to Agata the poor child.

Its not fantastic, but its a lot of fun and I would recommend this to anyone who likes just a little bit of sci-fi (not too much), interpersonal relations, and just wants something that is fun but also serious.

June

All Out

Ah, I ended up really enjoying this anime, as I knew I would, being that I've recently started loving the sports genre. This came out towards the end of 2016 and I was saving it until I could binge watch the show and oh man was it worth it.

What I enjoyed was the fact that there wasn't a true main character. We start out with Gion, a total newbie and one that is both an idiot and incredibly loud, but he does not remain the center of focus. Yes the show does tend to show his progression throughout the season and as he learns more about Rugby, but the show also ensures that it but in just enough care into the other characters as well, balancing it all out. There are numerous episodes and tome where the focus is not on Gion but on the past or present of the other characters on the team and it really allows us to experience team work and team dynamics as a whole.

It doesn't just stop at the main team, but also carries onto the other teams that the main characters play against. Flushing out some of their opponents and showing that these are people who want to win just as much as they do. It great watching them play because as the viewer you start loving other characters and wanting BOTH teams to win and grow better,

Another thing is that each of the characters is so different, not only in personality, but in looks and body types, and they talk about how having different body types, such as tall or short, bulky or frail, can be used to your advantage and can be indispensable to the team. One body type does not fit the mold, and I think that is a great thing to have. We talk a lot about body image in women, but not so much about it in men. And this show expresses that no matter how masculine or feminine or strong or weak or skinny or fat you are, you can be great at sports and well respected as an equal.

So yeah, I really recommend this anime. It great, funny, dynamic, and has quite a few great eye candy moments because of the sheer number of muscles that anyone can enjoy regardless of their preference ;)

side note: after the first 3 episodes I adopted nearly the whole team. I HAVE SO MANY SON RIGHT NOW ITS RIDICULOUS. I have sons from Haikyuu, Days, All Out, Free, Big Wind Up, and so so SO many more. They are my precious children.

Mob Psycho 100

Wow, this anime is really great. It absolutely hilarious too. Looking at the images for it, it seems like a serious show, but in reality its much more of a comedy.

The main character is mob who is a teenage psychic, who because he had never had any interaction with other psychics doesn't truly understand how powerful he is and yet at the same time does? Well anyway, he ends up landing himself in some pretty interesting situations, and the show quickly picks up an overarching plot that isn't stereotypical and is very well done.

Plus the dub is surprisingly good!~ Yes this review section is pretty lacking I realize, but seriously, this is a great show. after one episode I knew I would like it. And turns out I love it!

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K

Another wonderful comedy featuring an incredibly powerful psychic. As a series, I prefer Mob Psycho 100, but as a show with standalone episodes and 4th wall breaking, this one is really great.

The main character Saiki is so powerful he could literally do anything, thusly he is well aware that he is in an anime, and wears special devices to help control his powers.  It absolutely hilarious, there is no plot though so if thats what your looking for, then this is not the show for you. Instead it has many mini stories in each episode. Its a hilarious show that you should give a try. And the dub is actually pretty great too!

Gingitsune: Messenger Fox of the Gods

It's a pretty cute show, but rather plot less. That is there is no true story line, rather it just tells of the life of the main characters over a short period of time.

Its about a 'shrine maiden' though we never see her do any of her duties after the first episode. But anyway she can see the shrines herald (messenger of the gods). Eventually another boy moves in and he too can see the heralds. But instead of using him as a means to move the story, they don't do anything with it...

Its not a bad show, however I personally have grown out of this style of slice of life that has no plot, stand alone episodes whose story lines are small, and is not told with the intention to be funny... Ok so the story lines in each episode aren't that interesting, I feel that with the way the series had progressed they could have had a great plot.

After a few episodes I started skimming episodes and in the end didn't miss much of anything in regards to story. So this is an series that can easily be skipped. Its not a must see.

July

Handa-Kun

Gangsta.

Tokyo Majin

Snow White with the Red Hair

Ghost in the Shell Arise - ghost pain, whispers, tears, stands alone,

yellin’ at songs: june, week four

capsule reviews of the pop songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 on 24 june 2017 and 23 june 2007

23 June 2007

28) "Nobody's Perfect," Hannah Montana

Ah, yes. This. This was a thing which occurred in 2007, and this is a thing I am certainly excited to reevaluate, given the general worth it has contributed to society in the intervening decade. This won't be the thinkpiece, of course, given that we have three Hannah Montana songs, two Miley Cyrus songs, and one Billy Ray Cyrus song to think about. ("Shake It," a Cyrus-affiliated production, does not debut this year.) So, this song. I am a 27-year-old piping a hot track from a Disney Channel show or original movie into his ears. It is clear I shouldn't be here, and for so many reasons. I did not need to hear that, even if I make mistakes, I will survive and be OK. I am an unexceptional white dude. I KNOW the world will always make a comfortable home for me. This gets a B-. I don't give grades, but this is getting a B-, because right now, I feel like a teacher reading the seventy-eighth essay on Langston Hughes they've ever read and just going, "Yep, you wrote the requisite five paragraphs, I don't care how many grammars you badded, you did something, and I'd rather just not read this anymore."

88) "Shut up and Drive," Rihanna

The only thing more important than dropping that first mega-hit is nailing the follow-up. You know you're probably not gonna go back to back (foreshadowing), but you still need a song solid enough that you won't fade from the public consciousness once the public decides they have overplayed your song. This song does its job admirably. It isn't anything world-shattering, but it's good rowdy fun, it's different enough from "Umbrella" what with its tinge of rock influence while still being uniquely Rihanna, and it has that big dumb hook that has anchored Dreamworks movies for a decade. This is not the best song in the world, but it's pretty heckin' sweet.

94) "These Are My People," Rodney Atkins

A stirring tribute to mediocrity, this song has maybe my least-favorite lyric in recent memory: "It ain't always pretty/But it's real." Two people wrote this song, neither of whom are Rodney Atkins. Like, come on. Like, this is a song about a boring-ass upbringing awash in all the country stereotypes, yet here we have Rodney Atkins, someone with an interesting upbringing who at one point was himself a songwriter, setting anything that could be unique about this song so that he can, what, make money off drunkards at the BPOE requesting this song on the radio? ...That is a jauntry fiddle this song has, though, I'll give it that. I just don't understand why these country dudes never tried harder. I mean, not trying has proven to be an incredibly lucrative path, but are all these country dudes so morally bankrupt they would forsake artistic pursuit for the mighty dollar?

95) "A Bay Bay," Hurricane Chris

Like, this is also dumb? But at least I can rest secure knowing Hurricane Chris wrote every single generic word in this song, and I know that Hurricane Chris truly believed in his vision of a world where white folks and gangstas could set aside their differences for one song so they could holler "A Bay Bay" in the club. And as much as I loved that sweet happy fiddle on "These Are My People," I would listen to this beat a thousand times before I listened to what is by country standards hella weak fiddling ever again. It's a dumb song, but at least I can believe in the message it's sending, even if I'm not 100% sure the message it's sending actually means anything. My memory's foggy, I'm pretty sure "A Bay Bay" meant "hell yeah?" It doesn't matter, we left this song in 2007 for a reason. Return home, young friend.

97) "Paralyzer," finger eleven

This song is pretty sweet. It owes a tremendous debt to Franz Ferdinand, but the world owes a tremendous debt to Franz Ferdinand for its ever existing, so it's hard to hold that fact against this song. Like, if you're gonna bite, bite from the greats, and if we're being honest, the buttrock twist on the great mid-aughts post/punk revival is kind of great? It gives this song an actual edge that "Take Me Out" never had, "Take Me Out" feeling like four fancy gentlemen taking you on a tour through whimsy and wonder. That song still sounds great being dragged through mud and pounded with ten thousand fists, and it even emerges with something like an actual attitude? It's an attitude of someone who doesn't go to nightclubs actually going to a nightclub and finding themselves overstimulated, sure, but it fits that attitude.

100) "I Wonder," Kellie Pickler

There are some cold, cold lines in this song. "I hear the weather's nice in California" is brutal, but "I look in the mirror and all I see/Are your brown eyes looking back at me/They're the only thing you ever gave to me/At all" is devastating. I also love that there's a country song about a mother having abandoned her child; mommy issues are relatively unexplored in popular culture, but ESPECIALLY mommy issues had by women. This is one of the more lyrically unique songs I've heard, and I really want to forgive this song for trying to be a bleh over-produced basic country diva ballad. It's like a Tootsie Pop; I know there's chocolate in the center, but I'm not gonna eat a goddamn sucker for ten minutes just to hit that one piece of chocolate. I procrastinated and am writing all thirteen or whatever of these reviews in one sitting aND THESE ARE THE SIMILIES Y'ALL SHITS IS GETTIN

i’m not copypasting the top 20s because neither of them changed, y’all know what songs i like, and if not, hit up the yellin at songs tag to see past editions (note to self: make a tag for these posts, why are you writing a recurring series and not tagging the posts)

24 June 2017

42) "Down," by Fifth Harmony ft./Gucci Mane

"It's like Bonnie & Clyde just walked in/A gangsta and his bride just walked in." ...Okay, well, I didn't think "But it's real" would be topped QUITE this quickly, but I mean, how is Bonnie... not... a gangsta? Like she didn't rob AS many banks as Clyde, but just because she was late to the party, doesn't mean she wasn't a gangsta, she still robbed hella banks. Also, "We on the same team and we ballin'/Got me showin' off my ring like I'm Jordan." Michael Jordan had six rings. Like I know your prison time didn't coincide with Michael Jordan's amazing run of six NBA titles in eight years dude, come on, get it together. Anyway, this song, it's OK. It bleeped and blooped pleasantly, and everyone in Fifth Harmony is at least OK at singing. It was a song I listened to and have on the longlist for year-end Top 50 Or So.

53) "To the Max," by DJ Khaled ft./Drake

this is a song most aptly described as another one. it's another song where dj khaled memes at the top. it's another song where drake sings poorly about some bullshit. it's another drum track i'd rather hear performed by a drummer. it's another one. dj khaled also memes at the end. i apologize for starting this review before the song ended but, as dj khaled just intoned, it's another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, anot73) "4 AM," by 2 Chainz ft./Travis ScottThis was also okay, but right now, I'm like nine songs deep, and the best two have been the seventeenth-best Rihanna song (unscientific ranking, don't @ me) and a rip-off of a much better song, and I just, Travis Scott's fine. I like his particular brand of trap music. I like how the song goes out-of-tune here and there, it's a really interesting touch, it makes the song feel like you're awake at 4 AM and jumping every time something flickers in the window because you don't know what's supposed to move at 4 AM. At least I don't need to listen to the next one, he says, realizing this means the true next one is goddamn bro country with the words "small town" literally in the fucking title.

82) "Whatever You Need," by Meek Mill ft./Chris Brown & Ty Dolla $ign

I think it's admirable that Meek Mill has come back from being owned by Drake. It must be really brutal being the only rapper Drake could possibly ever own. I'm sure he has made delightful pop/rap garbage, and I'm not going to listen it 'cuz, hey, look who's there!, but I'm glad he's here, and I hope to listen to one of his songs eventually.

85) "Small Town Boy," by Dustin Lynch

The worst three seconds of my life were the three seconds after I forgot what this song was called and thought Dustin Lynch had another song called "Smal Town Girl." I was going to throw my computer out the window. It's... It's a less dramatic gesture than it sounds, I live in a garden-level apartment, there's a chance Bertha 2.0 would survive. Let's listen to the song! "I'm a dirt road in the headlights/I'm a mama's boy/I'm a fist fight/Kinda county line/Kinda cold beer/Little hat down/Little John Deere." There are 27 words in this verse and 15 of them are used to create cliches, and that's just, that's just efficiency. You're busy. This song understands that you don't have time to sift through a dictionary to read those words you love, so it gives them straight to you, no fancy city metaphors or adverbs, just prepositions and dirt roads. It's a bad song.

87) "Know No Better," by Major Lazer ft./Travis Scott, Camila Cabello & Quavo

Look, what happend to "Run Up" is one of the greatest injustices of the 21st centuries, but I am relieved that this is the song seeking to right that wrong. Two of 2017's most ubiquitous stars and, for some reason, Travis Scott being gentler and fluffier than he's ever been, making a song that's a nice place to be for a few minutes. I don't love this as much as "Run Up," I love few things in life as much as I loved "Run Up," but it's a neat song! Major Lazer is a rather good popsmith, and I might just be holding on to this song just a bit too tightly because ah geez y'all can see what's coming I'll need these memories to be my light in the dark.

94) "It's Everyday Bro," by Jake Paul ft./Team 10

If this is a joke, it's a bad one, and if this is an actual attempt at music, it is not worth acknowledging much farther than this sentence.

97) "Somebody Else Will," by Justin Moore

...OK, the intro was legit. Like, for the half-minute or so that this was a lightly-funky song, I was down, and then it Borchettad and I remembered that this song always had a ceiling, but yo, whoever wrote this and gave it that smooth-ass intro -- I'm looking at Tebey Ottoh, seeing as he's the only credited songwriter with a Wikipedia page, Tebey Ottoh! I'm picking up what you're putting down, and I'm kinda stoked to hear what you do when you're not working with a big machine. (It's really interesting how there's literally a country music label pumping out shitty song after shitty song called Big Machine, and we're all OK with it. Like, a business called Big Machine that puts out a popular product that actively worsens the minds of its consumer base is like a thing out of a Mystery Science Theatre movie. We don't talk enough about how Big Machine does exactly what you'd think a company called Big Machine would do.)

99) "Nobody Else But You," by Trey Songz

I haven't calculated how many artists from 2007 have had songs chart in 2017, but it can't be too many, right? It's hard to stay relevant for a decade. Even if you're a country dude, like, Rodney Atkins and Craig Morgan are fixtures in 2007, and I would be stunned if I saw those names in the next few months. Fall Out Boy and Foo Fighters released new songs that didn't chart, and Paramore only qualifies because "Hard Times" was big enough to last for a week. Lily Allen didn't last, Fergie's nowhere to be seen, Jordin Sparks made a respectable go but isn't showing up anytime soon. Two of the young women with 2007 hits ended up being contestants on The Voice. Akon might as well be dead. You know who has endured?  You know who has survived, while countless others have fallen? Trey Songz. I can't think of a single live performance Trey Songz gave that showed the world how talented he was. I have never heard anyone on the street have a discussion about the latest in Trey Songz news, now can I remember the last thing Trey Songz did that could be considered newsworthy. I couldn't name any Trey Songz songs, and I am literally staring at the YouTube video for the Trey Songz song I just listened to. It is directly within my line of sight. I think it was called "Nobody Needs to Know" or something? How. How has Trey Songz survived this long. Who is listening to Trey Songz. Trey Songz has released seven studio albums. I don't know if I'm going to listen to them all, because there's music I'm more certain I'll like that I can listen to, but I have to figure this out, 'cuz man, I'm stumped.

again, no top twenties, let’s just get to what sort of matters but doesn’t, at all

Who Won?

...No one? I wanna say no one because I’ve been here for three hours and it’s a heat index of 92 in Minneapolis and my air conditioning unit is three rooms away from the room in which I keep Bertha 2.0, and none of these songs were worth calling winners. I guess 2007 had “Shut up and Drive” and “Paralyzer.” Those were solid Bs, plus you had the B- I gave “Nobody’s Perfect.” 2017 had at least three Cs, depending on how charitable I wanna be with the grade for that Justin Moore song with the cool bass line. But -- ah, I don’t wanna reward mediocrity, 2007 had the high points, let’s reward the songs I can honestly say I enjoyed. I guess 2007. I guess we’re gonna tie it up.

2017: 12 2007: 12

Next week, 2007 gives us Jack Johnson, My Chemical Romance, and Piles. Like that’s it. I should’ve waited until next week to procrastinate, three is much less than six!