#writing it hurt my brain I am very tired tho but like
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Weyoun redesign for the prompt "creature" from the trektober2022 prompt list on insta I helped create , so there he is ... the creechur...
[ID start: full body digital drawing of Weyoun from Star Trek Deep Space 9 depicted as more or less a human-lemur hybrid, his face and ears are a very pale lilac, he has long, pointy ears bracketing his head, black curly hair on top of his head, he has a black marking on the tip of his nose and on his eyelids, his hands and feet that are lemurlike and black, he has a furry tail that is also black, his eyes are big round and bluish in color, he is smiling. He is in a multilayered and -toned outfit, consisting of an assymetrical multilayered top and loose pants with protective looking spats. ID end]
#star trek#star trek deep space nine#st ds9#weyoun#weyoun ds9#ds9 weyoun#fanart#digital art#described#okay I'm sorry about the description on this#writing it hurt my brain I am very tired tho but like#trektober#trektober2022
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The Night We Met (forget me not)
Author: orshii
Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x female reader
Warnings: cursing, violence, blood, lots of angst
Word count: 8,7 k
Trope: strangers to lovers
Summary: Kim Hongjoong lived anything but a normal life, his enigmatic presence shrouded in mystery. You were drawn to him when you met him on a strange, rainy night, soaked and with nowhere to go. Despite his guarded nature, a connection formed between you, fueled by curiosity and the allure of the unknown. What will happen when one night he comes home bleeding? Will you unravel the truth behind Hongjoong's enigmatic existence, or will the dangers lurking in the shadows consume you both?
A/N: Since I am very obsessed with red-haired Hongjoong because, he killed me at Coachella bfr, I just felt the urge to write something with him, so this happened. It ended up a little angsty, sorry not sorry, I love writing angst tbh lol. So enjoy the ride, I guess. xoxo, orshii. (also, sorry if there are mistakes :'( ) (divider) horanghae tho
The swaying bodies around me tortured me, I felt like I couldn't breathe as all I could see was him, speaking, and shouting over the loud music, that made my heart break with every strong beat. I couldn't hear the music, all I could hear was the words that came out of his mouth. 'You are sick', 'I'm tired of your shit', 'You'll never be good enough' and it went on and on, these words were the only thing I could hear, I breathed them in and it went straight into my heart, breaking it into thousands of pieces, as nothing remained there only little powerless specks of dust.
He kept on going, glaring at me like I was a wet stray dog on the street. His eyes were full of hatred, the man with whom I fell in love, made me feel special and made me feel good enough, now did the whole opposite of these things, and made me believe I was a fucking nobody. After a little time, as he still spat the most hurtful words out of his mouth, I could see everything in slow motion, the way he spoke and he was angrily shouting at me, his spit landing on my face as he spoke, the dancing bodies around us pushing closer to him, even tho I wanted the opposite. No one really noticed that I was on the verge of breaking down right there, as I barely could breathe. My brain closed him out, I was just staring at him and wondered, where that sweet guy that I fell in love with had gone. Suddenly I felt empty, nothing was on my mind, all I knew was that I wanted to disappear from the world, especially I wanted to get away from him as far as possible. So, whilst he was speaking, suddenly I turned my back without a word and started to somehow push myself out from the bodies that surrounded me.
I felt weak as I bumped into random people, they pushed me from left to right as I barely had any strength. It felt like ages until somehow I could fight myself through the strange bodies. I stepped out of the club into the cold night. I was just standing in front of the exit and closed my eyes shut, I just needed some fresh air, but it couldn't reach my lungs for some reason. Suddenly I felt something wet and cold landing on my face, followed by a lot of cold drops. I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, as it started to rain very strongly, immediately wetting my face, and my hair as I suddenly could breathe. It felt like the rain was caressing my face, that felt like invisible hands, cupping my cheeks, wetting my lips, the wet drops dropping down to my chest that melted right into my heart, giving some reassuring feeling. I closed my eyes again holding my head up against the sky, letting the raindrops wet my brain as it kind of brought me back to life and made me realize what just happened, I breathed in as I felt the cold air getting into my lungs slowly, making my body tremble. That was the exact moment when I broke down. I couldn't hold it any longer, as all the emotions that I cut off when I was in front of him, not letting him see me break, now shuttered into pieces, my breathing got heavy, as I hunched over my knees, and tears suddenly blinding me as I was staring at the wet ground. I was sobbing, tears fell into the wet ground disappearing like it wasn't even there, now I looked like a wet stray dog, that had nowhere to go.
"Everything's alright?" Suddenly I heard a strange voice behind me. After a few deep breaths I tried to calm down, I straightened up and turned around. Just to see a man leaning against the club's brick wall, one of his legs propped on the wall. His clothes were soaked just like mine, as he was holding a cigarette between his thin pierced lips, which were long burned out from the rain, his wet hair that strangely looked like the shade of a deep red that looked like fresh blood, his wet hair would've fallen into his forehead if it wasn't for the black sunglasses that were pushed up to the top of his head, making his forehead free from his hair. He looked at me curiously, eyeing me up and down with a look I couldn't entirely read. Maybe he seemed a little concerned. But that thought immediately made me forget that, when I saw the confident smirk on his face. Just another asshole in this world, that looked at me like I was a nobody.
"Yeah," I said after what felt like an eternity, somehow I almost forgot why I was standing in the rain and cried myself almost to death. I locked my eyes with him, he really didn't seem bothered by the rain pouring at us unstoppably. I wasn't in the mood to chit-chat with a stranger so I turned to get the hell out of there. I did not know where I could go, but I knew that I needed to go somewhere, far away from here.
"It didn't seem like it, sweetheart." He shouted after me, his voice melting with the rain that was falling on us.
"It's none of your business." I turned around to look at him as I shrugged.
Then he pushed himself off the wall and walked towards me, throwing the wet cigarette to the wet floor. I barely saw him because of the rain, but as he closed the distance suddenly all I could see was his face being close to mine. I could see as raindrops dropped from his hair, the water on his veiny neck flew down in red strings, as I assume he died his hair red recently, the wet drops fell from his thin lips as he looked down at me.
"My heart can't take as little girls like you cry in the rain." He slowly reached his hand towards my head and tugged my hair behind my ear. My eyes unconsciously fell on his pierced lips that were so close to mine, that if I had leaned in a little, it could meet his.
I snapped his hands away from my face, and my sanity came back, I couldn't believe there weren't any normal people on earth that couldn't deal with their fucking problems.
He chuckled at my movement. "Why are you so mean, sweetheart?" His smirk still did not disappear.
"Do I look like someone who would let a stranger touch me? And don't call me sweetheart!” I said to him getting angrier. “Oh my God, what did I do to the world." I cried out in disbelief looking up to the sky. I was so soaked, but at that point, I didn’t really feel that I was all wet.
Then suddenly I was sitting in the stranger's car, -whose name was Hongjoong apparently- all soaked, wetting the luxurious car's seating, which was a beautiful raven-black Maserati. I looked at my left side, Hongjoong's side profile on the sight, his undercut showing with the sunglass still being pushed back, which highlighted his sharp jawline. The dye on his neck now dried leaving red marks there. He was a very handsome and apparently a rich stranger. I have no idea why was I even in his car, as we were heading toward his apartment. Because I had nowhere to go.
Long story short, I kind of told him everything about what happened on this tragic night with my life. My ex dumped me because he thought I was cheating on him, the reality was that he was cheating on me and he just blamed it all on me, saying I was the problem as I couldn't keep him excited so he needed to try if someone else could. What kind of bullshit is that?
I was living with him, my parents were far away on another continent, I moved here because of my, well, now ex, and started to work at a random café, just so that I could start a painting course, as my biggest dream to achieve was to be a known painter. I wanted to organize exhibitions where I could put my paintings out, to show them to the world, to show my emotions through the paintings, so other people might feel the same, and share common feelings. Painting was the only thing that understood me. When I was painting I felt like it was my therapy, the way I traced the brush on the canvas, with different kinds of colors. I always painted my emotions on the white canvas, which in the end, always ended dark, full of black and red colors. As those were the representations of my emotions. I felt pain, just as the word painting symbolized my whole being. But there were times, very rarely, when I painted a whole rainbow on the canvas, as something good happened that day. It was always personal, I wasn't the kind of person, who painted lands and random vases with fruits next to them. I just painted what I felt, it always came out like a mess, like chaos, but there was something beautiful in it, something special. I always felt vulnerable when I showed it to people, but in the end, it's only me who knows what it is about. People only see random colors and shapes, that are a little grotesque, some of them are amazed by, how artistic it is, but some of them are just looking at it frowning, as they only see a splash of colors, saying 'I could do that easily, it's only a bunch of colors poured right there'. It is hurtful hearing things like that when it's my emotions that are painted there in a physical form. But I think it is only you, yourself, who can understand the struggles you are going through.
So as I was dumped by my ex, I remained alone. I was kind of new in the town and I didn't know anyone besides him and a bunch of his ass friends. I had nowhere to go, as I didn’t want to see his face anymore.
Hongjoong…kind of made me tell him these things, and he offered I can stay at his place, while I figure out what can I do in the future. The rain stopped after a while as we sat in his car and I told him all these things like I had known him for ages, he was listening to me and I could see on his face he cared for some questionable reasons. I had no idea why he offered this in the first place, and I had no idea why the hell did I agree. Even tho he seemed like an asshole for the first seeing, when he genuinely asked me what was the problem, I kind of felt like I can tell him anything I want and I kind of blame it on my fucked up day and on the fact that I was tired, I was tired of people, whom I always wanted to be good enough, but I just failed all the time. And now, it seemed I could trust in a stranger more than everybody.
As soon as we arrived at his apartment, which was a penthouse, my jaw was on the floor when I looked around. Everything was luxurious, most of the furniture was surprisingly black, with a hint of dark red, just like his car and his hair. It really did suit him. I had no idea who this man was, but I am sure he was rich as hell.
After Hongjoong showed me the guest room and gave me clothes that I could change into, he left me alone so I could shower. In the bathroom, I still couldn’t comprehend where I was and what exactly happened. It only came in a big flow when I managed to lay down into the big king-sized bed, that was so soft I felt like I was going to disappear into it. I was laying on my right side and hugged my knees to my chest, just so I could hug something, something that gave me enough comfort, whispering to myself everything is going to be alright, as I finally managed to fall asleep with tears flowing down my face.
The next few weeks went by just like seconds, my only escape was work and painting as it mostly occupied my mind. Hoshi, my ex, tried to talk to me a few times after work when I was closing up, but Hongjoong always came to pick me up, after the first time he heard my ex was there. It was really odd, the way he was acting, acting like he wanted to protect me from the world, even tho he didn't know me. And I didn't know him either, but as we spent these few days together, we kind of grew closer to each other, I felt like he became a person whom I can rely on.
I needed to figure out what to do next, because I did not want to bother Hongjoong with my poor ass, living in his penthouse like a princess, as he did not accept any money for the rent. Even tho I barely had money, I still wanted to make it up to him, so instead of money, I decided to clean the flat when I had the time and to cook for him some delicious meals, like a freaking maid, but quid pro quo.
I'm not going to say that Hongjoong didn’t act suspiciously from time to time. Because that would be a lie. The times when he suddenly came into the apartment with blood on his face and slight stabs on his body, painting his body red here and there, made me realize he was into some dangerous games. Luckily I learned how to stitch wounds when I was in high school, as back then I wanted to be a doctor, not until I found painting.
It was again a rainy dark night when the front door closed with a loud thump. I ran out to the living room, where the storm outside lightened it up in slow-motion, just to see a collapsed Hongjoong on the floor. The white carpet under him was now full of blood, that looked like the color of his hair. My heart started to race, as I hurried next to him.
"Hongjoong!" I kneeled next to him, just to cup his face and check his heartbeat. It was still beating but very weekly. I was so scared he might die in my arms.
"Sweetheart" He mumbled faintly, reaching his hands to my wrists that held his face. He was looking up at me with desperate eyes, almost begging me to save him.
He did come back with some stitches here and there, but this was much deeper. As I slowly reached my hands towards his wet white T-shirt that was mixed with rain and blood, I lifted it very slowly, he winced at that painfully. I let out a quiet gasp when I saw the wound, it was a bullet lodging into his abdomen. Tears started to flow down my face, as I tried to think, about what to do now.
"I'm going to call an ambulance!" I wanted to stand up, to get my phone, but Hongjoong suddenly grabbed my wrist.
"You can't, you have to do it yourself, sweetheart." His voice still came out weak, like he was breathing his last breaths.
"But the bullet is too deep, I can't-" I started to breathe heavily, as I ran my fingers through my hair, squeezing it, as I started to panic. His life depended on me. "I can't do this Hongjoong." I sobbed.
"Come here." As I leaned closer to him, he caressed my cheeks, wiped my tears away with his weak thumb, and looked at me like he had given his life into my hands, and that was literally the case. "You can do it, I trust you, sweetheart." He whispered, weekly, as his hand suddenly dropped to the floor weekly and his eyes closed.
He was unconscious. I needed to put myself together and save the life of the man who saved mine. The next hours were full of me trying to get the bullet out somehow, I needed every kind of knowledge I learned in the past. Everything was full of blood, the carpet, my hands, my clothes, but all I could concentrate on was to clean the wound and stitch it carefully and hope that he did not die. After I finished and his heart was still beating somehow I felt relief going through my body. His body just needed some rest, so it could function again.
When I cleaned up and somehow with all my strength, I managed to lift him to the grey couch and put a warm blanket on him, as he was sweating like crazy because he had a fever. I kneeled next to the couch pressing a wet cloth to his forehead hoping his fever was going to drop. He was fighting for his life and I was praying he could make it alive, as I finally gave in to the dark that swallowed me completely.
I was dreaming of some dark figures that were chasing after me, and then I suddenly found myself on a field, where I saw a red-haired man's back facing me, he was standing between the colorful flowers. Then he suddenly turned and I saw Hongjoong's beautiful smile as he was calling me to follow him.
I felt as if someone pushed me weakly, a voice calling me. Sweetheart. Only one person calls me like that. I quickly came to my senses and lifted my head from the couch I was still kneeling beside it, my limbs numb I barely could move, but the only person that mattered was Hongjoong.
"Hey," I smiled at the survivor, as he was looking at me weekly, his mouth dry.
"Hi", his lips cornered up with a weak attempt.
"How are you feeling?" I scooted upper, so I could caress his face with my thumb.
"Better." He whispered, with a dry throat. As I noticed, I quickly went to pour water into a glass and took some painkillers to give it to him.
"Here, drink some." I slowly helped him up as he was wincing from the pain. I reached the pills to his mouth waiting for him to open it and then the glass so he could drink. After a few gulps from the water, he closed his eyes.
"Thank you, Y/N! You saved my life, I knew you could do it." He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me gratefully.
"Even tho, it was a very bad call from you…You could've died Hongjoong…" Tears started to appear in my eyes as I looked down at my hands.
"But I'm alive…thanks to you, sweetheart. Come here." He took my hands and slowly pulled me closer to him, as he laid down, leaving space for me beside him.
"I don’t want to hurt you." I hesitated a little.
"You won’t hurt me." His thumb traced my cheek and looked at me with affectionate eyes. At that I slowly laid next to him on my side, trying not to be too close to his wound. I was looking at him, and as he did the same, I saw his eyelids were closing, but he forced them open, so he could pull me closer to him by my waist. His face was inches apart from mine. I felt his hot breath on my lips, as he slowly ghosted over mine.
"Kiss me so I won't feel the pain." He whispered the words into my lips, his lips almost touching mine, I could feel his cold piercing on his lips. My heart was racing like crazy. Suddenly all my thoughts were gone, gone into the cold rainy night, as he pressed his lips against mine weekly, giving me control, so I could lead him out of the pain and he wouldn't feel anything. All I wanted to do was to take his pain away, to swallow it, so I could feel it instead of him. My lips moved against his slowly, very patiently, making him forget that he was in pain. He grabbed my waist and pulled me even closer to him, with his remaining strength. But he moaned into my lips from the pain that the movement caused. I wanted to separate from him to make sure he was okay. But he did not let me, he reached his hands to my nape and pulled me closer, suddenly getting some strength from who knows where, as I let him control the kiss again. It started to get more heated, as I separated from him, because of the lack of oxygen.
I looked at him like I couldn't believe he was right there, in pain but still kissing me.
"Sleep now, honey." I whispered at his lips, pecking them again, then moving to his sharp cheekbone, to his nose, then lastly I left feather-like kisses on his eyelids that were already closed, falling into a deep healing sleep.
After a few days of nursing Hongjoong, I was heading back from the grocery store to Hongjoong's apartment. His wound was healing perfectly, it just needed a little more time. He was only able to walk from his room to the balcony to smoke a pack of cigarettes. I asked a lot of times, what had happened, and who did that to him, but he always ignored me or changed the topic. After all, I was just a stranger to him, and he took me in because I was all soaked and I had nowhere to go. Even tho we kissed, that seemed like a fever dream.
But still, he was so protective of me, he did not let me go anywhere alone, and his friends lifted me to work and back, I didn’t even have the opportunity to paint as the painting courses were late at night, and he did not let me outside for some weird reason. He even insisted he was coming with me to the store that was just a few blocks away from his apartment, but I convinced him that it wasn't that far and I was going to be quick.
I was only one block away from the penthouse when suddenly all I could feel was cold hands around my throat and something cold being pressed against my temple. My back was pushed against a wall with an impact, I saw black points as I closed my eyes.
"Where is Captain?" The man who pressed me against the wall forcefully hissed through his yellow teeth.
His hand squeezed my throat with more force. Even if I wanted to talk, words just couldn't leave my mouth as the air was knocked out of my lungs, and my sight started to blur.
"I asked, where is Captain? I am sure you know it, little slut." He shouted at my face, spit landing on my face, as I closed my eyes, trying to scrape his hand off my throat. He pressed the cold thing harder against my temple, it was a gun. I didn't know who Captain was, but I had a very little clue, of who it could be.
The man was on the verge of hitting me with the handle of the gun when suddenly I felt the air getting into my lungs as the man was pushed off me. I hunched over trying to get some air into my lungs as I desperately needed it. My throat felt soar, my heart was pumping like it wanted to jump out from my chest, and I felt the urge to take my hands to my chest just to prevent it from jumping out. I couldn't catch up with the noises that were around me, some shouting and groaning noises that screamed pain. Then suddenly silence came. I slowly straightened up as I finally came to my senses, and tried to get what was happening. I didn't even realize the fact that a gun was pressed against my head, I didn't even realize I could've died. Our mind is a tricky thing, sometimes it is helpful, and sometimes it's our biggest enemy. But for my luck, as I straightened, I saw Yunho in front of me, one of Hongjoong's friends, who picked me up from work a few times. He was a tall, black-haired man, with a well-defined body, who looked intimidating at first, but after a few times as we always chatted the way home, it turned out, he was the sweetest guy ever, full of golden retriever energy.
"Are you okay?" Yunho came closer to me and carefully put his hands on my shoulders, looking at me with concerned eyes. That was the time when I looked down at his hands, that was all bloody, his knuckles full with stitches, then I averted my gaze to his face, which was all beaten up, his lips also bleeding, a cut on his cheekbone. Then I looked down next to us, where four men were laying unconscious, it was a slow process until I somehow put the puzzle together. He knocked out four men with his bare hands only.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I said quietly, my mind full of questions. "Who were they? They asked about someone called… Captain? Is that Hongjoong?"
Yunho's eyes were full of pity. "I'm sorry, Y/N, it isn’t me who should tell you these things." He turned around and went to his black Jeep, which was hurriedly parked on the sidewalk. "Let's get you back to Hongjoong." He said tilting his head a little.
I went to the car and sat in the passenger seat. "How did you know I was in trouble?" My voice felt sour a little, as I still felt the hand around my throat.
"Hongjoong told me to follow you, in case something would happen." He said, not even daring to look at me.
I scoffed at that and remained silent. I didn't know what the hell was happening. Is it normal to send someone so he can watch over you? Is it normal in Kim Hongjoong's life to be attacked? It was, based on the bullet that almost sent him to the other world and me, almost. Kim Hongjoong lived anything but a normal life.
Immediately as I closed the front door, Hongjoong hurried in front of me, pain running through his features that disappeared immediately when he saw me. He quickly came closer to me, worry taking over his painful features. He was eyeing me up and down searching for any injuries. Hongjoong cupped my cheeks and lifted my head.
"Fuck, Y/N, did you get injured?" He traced his right hand through my throat which was red from the choking. I just shook my head as a no, I was glaring at him, analyzing his features that changed between so many emotions, as his gaze remained at my throat, just to finally meet my glare.
"I told you not to go alone, for fuck's sake, Y/N!" He stepped away from me ran his finger through his red hair and squeezed it.
"Did you know someone would attack me? Hongjoong tell me something 'cause I have no idea what is happening." I looked at him with desperate eyes, trying to convince him, that he could tell me anything.
"No, I didn't know, but I felt it was going to happen." He turned his back to me and started to walk up and down in the living room. Then he stopped in front of the big window, where you could see the whole town, being busy, everyone living their normal life. He buried his hands into his face. I could see that his thoughts were screaming at him. A few minutes of silence fell between us. I was just waiting for him to collect his thoughts.
"You have to move out." His voice came out low, I barely could understand it. He didn’t even look at me, he was staring down at the city buried in mist.
My heart started to race, I knew, I knew I needed to move out at some point as I couldn't live here forever. But…it felt weird, months of being here, getting used to each other in ups and downs. And this coming from his mouth, I don't know why…but it hurt.
"Joong…" I stepped closer to him, slowly approaching him. "At least tell me what is going on. They asked about some Captain…is that you?" He was still standing in front of the window, his side profile was sharp, and his red hair seemed brighter as the sun was shining at him, giving it a little shade of orange, he was frowning as he was still thinking. But when he turned, all the emotions were gone from his features, I couldn't see any signs of the prior emotions that were running through his face.
He was glaring at me sharply very determined. "They are going to hurt you if you stay with me, just pack your things and I'll take you somewhere." He said with a commanding voice, that shouted he did not accept no as an answer. I was just looking at him, making sure he really meant it, but he held my gaze without blinking. Tears started to appear in my eyes from all the sudden emotions and from the thoughts of being alone again. I couldn't do anything other than to obey him.
After I quietly packed my things into a bag, this was all I had, I could pack my whole life into a black dirty bag. This bag was by my side all the time, not like the people, who always left me.
The ride to the place Hongjoong was driving us, was quiet. The sun hid behind the big, angry clouds and slowly raindrops started to drop at the windshield. I just leaned my head against the window and stared at the raindrops that were racing against each other on the glass. My mind was empty, I couldn't think. I felt Hongjoong's eyes on me at times, but I just couldn't look at him, because I felt like I might break then.
When we arrived and went up to the apartment that was also Hongjoong's, I stood in the living room and dropped the beg from my hand as I looked around. It was smaller than the penthouse, it was just an ordinary flat, with white furniture, as you stepped in, the living room was an open area with a kitchen. I saw two doors that I assumed were the bedroom and the bathroom. It was small and cozy, but I'm not sure if it will stay like that when I'm going to be left alone with my thoughts. I felt his gaze on my back and I turned around, finally looking into his eyes. Tears immediately started to appear in my eyes, I knew it was a goodbye, and I hated goodbyes. He slowly approached me, his eyes never leaving mine. His hands traced over my cheekbones, wiping the tear away that escaped along the way, then he traced his thumb over my lips, carefully as he was afraid he might break me. But it was too late cause I was already broken.
He slowly replaced his thumb with his thin lips, the piercing on his lips cutting my lips, the stinging racing down to my heart, he cupped my face and pulled me into a passionate kiss, that screamed, it was good 'til it lasted. Tears fell onto my face, falling on our lips as I felt the salty taste. He moved his lips against mine as he wanted to endure this moment for the rest of his life. My heart was aching, I felt like a knife was stabbed directly into my heart.
"You have to forget me, sweetheart." He whispered painfully onto my lips, as he leaned his forehead against mine, his words twisting the knife in my heart.
"But I don't want to." I shook my head, grabbing his wrists that still held my face. The tears never stopped rolling down my face.
"You have to, you are capable of anything, my heart." His eyes were full of adoration, that I never saw in his eyes, caressing my cheeks for the last time as he stepped away from me.
I shook my head as I cried out, I felt like my heart was going to stop at any time. "No, don't leave me Hongjoong…" My voice came out weak, it was barely audible as my crying got worse.
But all he did was turn around, without any emotion. "Goodbye, sweetheart!" and I was left alone again.
My legs gave up and I fell on the ground as I pressed my hands to my mouth just to somehow calm myself down. After all, he was just someone, who helped me out when needed. In these few months, I felt like finally I was heading in the right direction, I felt like I was finally stepping on the right road toward my dreams. Being with Hongjoong made me realize, that everyone deserves someone, who can support them, who can be by their side and give them some bits of advice, to keep them going. But destiny said, no, and I needed to move forward. My life was a never-ending circle, I always found someone who I trusted but eventually, they just treated me like I was some garbage. In the end, I was always alone, being left alone with my bag, to go somewhere else.
The next few weeks were all about painting. When I felt down, I always escaped into painting. At first, I was just staring into the white canvas in the building where the painting courses were held, I wanted to paint, but I didn't feel anything at all. I thought I was going to paint all the existing canvases in the world based on the emotions that I felt. But, when I found myself sitting in front of a big white canvas, I felt empty. I felt like I was there but at the same time, my mind was elsewhere. As I closed my eyes, the dream that I dreamed the night when Hongjoong collapsed on the floor with a bullet in him, jumped in front of me. I saw his face, his smile that was rare to see. The warm breeze blew on his hair, lifting his red hair from his forehead. I saw him again in slow-motion as he turned around just to look into his eyes, he lifted his hand, inviting me to go with him. As I slowly approached him and reached my hands to take it, he disappeared.
I opened my eyes as I found myself in reality, facing with the white canvas and I saw an image on it, a face. I lifted my brush to the colors that were laid out in front of me and pushed it into the red color, just to lift it in front of the canvas. I drew one line with the red color and it was the most beautiful thing I saw in my life. The way it excelled on the white canvas fascinated me, it was a deep shade of red, that reminded me of Hongjoong's red hair, but then the blood that was all over the place that night. I kept drawing on the canvas, tracing the brush in shapes, switching between colors as my mind finally felt at ease. I never felt more calmer than now, as I didn't even realize what I was painting. I closed the world out and continued to paint the picture I was imagining in my head. Who knows how much time went by, I didn't want to stop for even a moment, as I was desperate to finish this work, the work that brought me peace, that calmed my racing thoughts, that made me feel like I wasn't alone. I painted the last remaining white spot on the canvas with black and then I put my brush down, just to see the outcome. I inhaled through my mouth deeply, as I felt this was the first time I breathed through the whole painting.
The outcome was nothing compared to my recent paintings. It wasn't some random colors mixed, that had no shape at all. It showed a scene, a scene that I saw with my own eyes. And it was the night I met with him. The background was all black, with different shades and a figure was leaning against the black wall, his right leg propped up to the wall, the cigarette lazily hanging from his pierced thin lips. His red hair was all wet from the rain that fell on him, it was pushed back with a black sunglass. The red dye was leaving red strings on his face, on his veiny neck. His black clothes were all soaked, and still, he was staring at me with eyes that screamed understanding, that was full of worry.
I never painted things like these, things that made sense, well not for others. It made me believe that Hongjoong started something in me, that I had never imagined I had.
The doorbell suddenly rang just after I arrived home after a tiring day at work. I changed into comfortable clothes, wearing a black hoodie and grey sweatpants. I wanted to make some dinner for myself when I heard the sound of the doorbell. I frowned, I really didn't know anyone here, maybe the neighbor came to welcome me.
I went to the door a little hesitantly, then unlocked it and when I opened it, I froze. It was Hoshi, my ex, glaring at me with his typical sharp eyes, that always reminded me of a tiger. His platinum blonde hair was always shaped perfectly, it was similar to a buzz cut, two straight strings falling close to his eyes, which made his gaze and features even sharper. He was always wearing punk clothes, with a lot of silver accessories.
"What are you doing here?" I asked when I finally found my voice. I needed all my confidence.
"Hi, baby." He smirked at me and just pushed me away to get into the apartment, letting himself inside.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Hoshi?" I was amazed by his behavior, he acted casually, went to my kitchen, poured some water for himself, making himself at home.
"Can't I just see my girl?" He turned and leaned against the counter with the glass of water, eyeing me up and down like a predator.
"Fuck you Hoshi! Don't tell me bullshit. Just tell me why are you here!" I lifted my voice up, it sounded angrier as I couldn't believe this man.
"Woah, easy, girl." He put the glass on the counter, just to come closer to where I was standing. "I just came to apologize." He reached his hands towards my waist, but I immediately stepped away from him. I saw that he needed to hold back himself from doing something wrong at that moment. "Okay." He lifted his hands to the air. "I just wanted to say that I feel bad about how I behaved at the club, you disappeared, Y/N. I didn't know where have you gone." His voice came out a little trembled, and his eyes were full of worry, but I knew it was just an act, an act so I will go back to him. I didn't say anything, but he didn't even let me when he continued.
"But I found out you were with that fucking red-haired shorty." His features suddenly changed from worried to angry. I had never seen him like this, it scared me.
He slowly came closer to me, just like a tiger that approached its prey. "Had fun fucking around with the Captain?" He looked like a psycho as he asked.
My heart rate picked up as I stepped back, just until my back hit the wall behind me. "How do you know him?"
As he was inches apart from me, he slowly reached his right hand towards my chest and traced his fingers on my skin, up to my neck, his gaze on his fingers. My chest was rising as shivers ran through my body, but these weren't the good types of shivers, it was because I felt terrified.
"Oh, you don't know a lot, babe." His fingers slowly traced up to my jaw and cheekbones. All I wanted to do was to run away from him. I felt disgusted, but he caged me against the wall, I had no chance.
"Then tell me." My voice came out rough, as I wanted to convince him I wasn't afraid of him.
"Well, that little redhead, is a fucking mafia leader. I didn't know you were into mafia gangs." He stepped away from me, as I finally could let out a sigh. "Stupid, Hoshi." He hit his forehead, with a psychotic smile. "If I would've known, I would've told you that I'm a mafia leader as well. Then you wouldn’t have run away." He approached me again, pushing me up against the wall. His face was inches apart from mine. I couldn't believe what he said. There was no fucking way I managed to catch both the town's mafia leaders. What happened with my life?
I scoffed at that, it was a joke. "You? As a mafia leader, you are funny Hoshi." I laughed into his face, as he got more annoyed.
"Did you have fun, when I sent my gang to threaten you so you will tell them where that fucker is?" He whispered it close to my face, his fingers crawling around my throat and squeezing it. My eyes rounded immediately, as my hands automatically tried to tear his hands off. "You had to fuck my only enemy that existed? I hate him, he destroyed my life, he took everything away." He hissed through his teeth.
"I'm asking again, nicely, Y/N. Where - is - he?" He squeezed his fingers more around my throat, as tears fell on my face, blurring my vision.
"Wh-where is that H-Hoshi I loved…" My voice came out weak, as I slowly saw black dots in my vision that were already blurred.
"He never existed." And with that, he squeezed my throat harder, as I was in desperate need of air, but it never came.
I was on the verge of fainting when sudden noises came from the staircase. The door was suddenly slammed open with a loud thump, all I could hear was footsteps, and my vision went black.
Hoshi's hands were gone from my throat, and I fell to the ground, barely conscious. I heard loud noises that my brain couldn't comprehend, glass breaking, shouting and when I opened my eyes weakly, I saw red. My vision was blurry, but when it cleared out I saw him and I knew I was safe.
He was holding me in his warm arms on the floor, my body was shaking from the lack of oxygen and the overwhelming emotions. He hugged me, as I buried my face into his chest, inhaling his peaceful scent, which always calmed me down. He traced my back up and down and pecked the top of my head, my forehead.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart for leaving you alone." His voice seemed like he was on the verge of breaking.
I slowly lifted my head up to look into his eyes, and I met with two eyes full of regretful tears. My tears started to flow down my face at that, as I started sobbing.
"Please, forgive me." He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears away with his thumb. "Shh, don't cry please because my heart breaks. You are my heart, Y/N." He leaned his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out, just to get myself together. This man in front of me, who was only a stranger to me, in a short time became the most important person in my life.
"Don't you ever dare, leaving me." I whispered after a few seconds that felt like ages.
He smiled in relief, his smile looked exactly like in my dream, his lips curved up, and his nose scrunched. "I am never going to leave you, sweetheart."
He slowly reached his hands under my knees, just to lift me from the ground, my hand immediately curled around his neck, as he brought me to the bedroom and carefully took me down to the bed. He crawled next to me as we were both on our sides, facing each other. He reached his hand towards my face and caressed it as if we were just looking at each other.
"This time that I spent without you was hell." he tugged my hair behind my ear as he said. "I realized I can't live without you, Y/N. I never felt like this before. I got scared when those bastards attacked you, and I never felt this scared before in my life. I thought if I keep you away from me they won't hurt you. Please, forgive me." Tears started to appear in his eyes, that screamed regret.
I took his hand from my face and lifted it to my mouth, to carefully peck his palm. "It's okay, Hongjoong, I get why you did it. But you could've at least told me who you were." I looked at him weakly, as I felt more and more tired.
"I know." He scooted closer to me, holding my waist as he pulled me closer to him. "I was just terrified if you find out, you will run away from me." He said with a low voice, leaning his forehead against mine.
"I never would've run away, don't you remember how many times I stitched you up?" I smiled at him.
He chuckled at that sweetly. "Yeah, that would've been enough reason for you to run. But for some reason, you didn't." He frowned at that.
"I just couldn't leave you, even tho you acted weird all the time, I felt like I needed to be by your side." I wanted to tell him that I was going to be by his side forever.
"I want you to be by my side, sweetheart. I never felt more at ease than I was when you were with me." His lisp was inches apart from mine, as he whispered. "Being with me is going to be dangerous, but I'm going to do everything to protect you." He said as he pressed his lips against mine, capturing it as I could slip through his holding. His fingers reached to my neck, to the back of my nape just to run his fingers through my hair, pulling me impossibly close to him. I kissed him back desperate, with passion I never felt in my life. I never wanted to break the kiss, that tasted like happiness, that whispered good promises for the future.
2 months later
"I want to show you something." Hongjoong hugged me from behind on the balcony where I was standing with a coffee mug in my hands. His hands crawled around my waist pulling me close to his chest, his head on my shoulder as we both were looking down to the busy town from his penthouse.
"What?" I asked with a genuine smile.
He pecked my neck sweetly before turning me around and taking my hands. "Come I'll show it to you." He was smiling at me like he seemed the happiest and most excited man on earth.
When we were in his black Maserati and I looked at him while driving, I could see that his smile never disappeared he was so excited for some reason and I started to get nervous as hell. After a fifteen-minute drive, we arrived somewhere. I didn't know about this side of the city. The streets were very artistic, with a lot of graffiti on some random walls, and artists were standing on the streets singing or painting. I looked around curious as I stepped out of the car. Hongjoong rounded the car and took my hand.
"Where are we Hongjoong?" I looked at him with a frown.
He just smiled at me, his perfect-white teeth showing. "I have to blindfold you, sweetheart. I don't want to expose the surprise." He took a silk blindfold from his pocket and chuckled as he saw my confused face.
"Just trust me, love." His voice came out low as he pecked my lips sweetly and blindfolded me.
He was leading me around, as I couldn't see anything. We went through a door, and the street's noise faded away. Our footsteps were echoing on the strange floor as we walked inside. Suddenly Hongjoong stopped me, as he turned me to face him. He reached his hands to unfold the silk material, as it slowly fell on the floor. My eyes followed how it fell on the floor, which was made out of brown marble. Then my gaze lifted, just look around where we were. My mouth fell open, it was a big and empty hall with big windows, where the light came inside, lighting the emptiness inside. The walls were all white, the ceiling was meters away from us, and it was huge.
"Why are we here?" I asked after my gaze fell on Hongjoong, who was looking at me the whole time.
He stepped closer to me, to hold my waist and pull me closer to him. His face was inches away. "This is your gallery where you can exhibit your paintings." He said with an excited smile, waiting for my reaction.
I pressed my hands to my mouth, my eyes rounded unbelievably "No way." Tears appeared in my eyes.
"Yes way, sweetheart." Hongjoong giggled seeing my reaction. "I want you to show the world how talented you are." He caressed my cheeks as he said with a sweet and proud look on his face.
I couldn't believe this. "Hongjoong…" tears started to fall to my cheeks, as I started to jump in excitement just to jump on Hongjoong who was taken aback by my sudden movement, but he caught me in time. He lifted me to spin us around as we both chuckled like two teenagers.
"Thank you so much Hongjoong." I whispered to his ear when he took me down and I buried my face to his chest. "I couldn't be grateful enough for making my dreams come true." I lifted my head to face him.
He was looking down at me with the proudest smile. "I'm happy I can be by your side while you achieve your dreams." He cupped my face and pecked my lips as I giggled.
"I love you, Hongjoong." I said looking up at him with teary eyes, as I never felt happier in my life.
"I love you more, sweetheart." And with that, he kissed me passionately like never before, his lips moved against mine slowly, as we were standing in the gallery that was going to hold all the emotions I felt in the past years, so I could finally get over them. And that one portrayal of Kim Hongjoong, that promised me a good future by his side. The portrayal that showed the first time I saw him, the first time I fell in love with him, on the night we met.
#orshii#kim hongjoong x reader#kim hongjoong#hongjoong#kim hongjoong oneshot#hongjoong oneshot#hongjoong fluff#kim hongjoong fluff#hongjoong angst#kim hongjoong angst#hongjoong smut#kim hongjoong smut#hongjoong ateez#kim hongjoong ateez#ateez x reader#ateez fluff#ateez angst#ateez smut#ateez oneshot#ateez fanfic#hongjoong fanfic#kim hongjoong fanfic#ateez imagines#ateez scenarios#park seonghwa#jeong yunho#kang yeosang#choi san#song mingi#no1likehongjoong
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Jumble of headcanons in no particular order about Vark because I need to write them down somewhere to pretend to be organized
He started off sooo cute and tiny, like the size of a guinea pig. And he made laser noises like a baby Cuban crocodile.
He was so so tiny. He did not stay tiny.
Sharks sense electricity! He's naturally drawn to Vox when Vox is taking in or letting off too much power. He naturally interrupts Vox's overstimulation and warns about seizures, so Vox trained him some actual medical alert tasks.
Service shark Vark 🐕🦺
On the topic of electricity, I also headcanon him as having some aspects of an electric eel as well. A fantasy eel. He can take in some of Vox's excess energy, and isn't bothered by the sparks Vox throws off.
I'm chewing on the idea that Val bought Vark for Vox as an apology gift.
Now I'm just quoting myself directly from discord: I keep thinking of how I can include this (Vark being a gift from Val) in my one fanfic where it obviously does not fit bc Val hates Vark in it. Maybe he's jealous that Vox cares way more about Vark himself than the fact that Val gave him a gift. So unappreciative, didn't even have make-up sex over it bc Vox was too busy practically having a breakdown over how adorable Vark is. Val realizes that this was a mistake and he should have picked a very different gift instead
Vark is such a well behaved good boy when he's working, as a service shark. When Vox is in distress, Vark is so focused on trying to help with all the power of his tiny shark brain <3 Outside of that tho? He's a terror. He's so excitable. He canonically (in the old Voxtagram art) jumps on and knocks people over. This ties into him previously being a tiny adorable little thing. It was sooo cute when he jumped on your leg, back when he was the size of a large potato. It stayed cute up until they realized he was going to be so much bigger than they ever expected.
(It's like a bottle raised bull. The cute things they did when they were a little baby calf are no longer cute now that they're so large they are going to hurt you on accident just trying to be friendly and playful. RIP.)
Other service dog tasks for Vark: deep pressure therapy (of course. Interrupting behaviors such as when Vox is getting overwhelmed. Blocking to stop other people from getting too close to/touching Vox when he would shock them. I am forgetting so many things and will continue writing this list later
Vox doesn't do public access with Vark. This ties into my headcanons for Vox that he is deeply ashamed of himself and he cannot let anyone know he has problems ever.
Unfortunately, I am evil. So I also like the idea of Vark as an owner-trained service animal who is hmm not the perfect candidate for the job. In the same way shepherds aren't recommended for anxiety work, he can feed too much off of Vox's own emotions and has issues with guarding aggression that at times cause him to become reactive. (*points at my fanfic where he bites Val*)
I love bad representation.
Alsooo I don't like hammerhead sharks or animals that are too cartoon-y for me to understand as a real creature, so I'm making up a new design for Vark
Based on a Bonnethead Shark! Fun fact about Bonnethead Sharks: they are omnivorous! They eat seagrass :)
So Vark is omnivorous but unfortunately he's also like a tiger shark in that he'll eat anything even if it's not food. Tiger sharks have been found with license plates, tires, and other trash in their stomachs (sad)
Don't ask Vox how many times Vark has needed emergency exploratory surgery after eating something he shouldn't have. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Vark chews on wires like real sharks biting at undersea fiber optic cables. Chomp chomp
When Vark was a tiny baby, Velvette dressed him up in silly little outfits to post online. She doesn't do that anymore because he has mostly outgrown his cuteness stage for her: she only thought he was cute when he was little.
#oh that was NOT supposed to post yet#i am bad at editing my drafts apparently :/#vark#hazbin hotel vark#hazbin vox#Vox#i do not know if he has a standard tag that we're all using‚ i just wing everything i put on here
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a/n: i.. have no idea what this is. it isn't a real fic it's just something that i needed to get off my chest... i think? idk man lmao. i wrote it while i was very high nd sad lol. also, i decided to not tag anyone since this isn't really a fic nd it's not about anyone specific. i imagined nanami while writing it tho, (well, the beginning nd the end lol) but u can ofc imagine anyone u want.
wc: 0,582
!! TW! implied suicide. poor mental health. just overall sad nd dark, very depressing i guess... i don't really know. please don't read if u easily get triggered, thank u !!
“Are you okay?” he asks. His voice is soft and careful. His hand resting atop your shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, his eyes showing a sign of worry while waiting for your answer.
-
“Yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes”
But am i really?
No. I'm not okay at all. But if I give you that answer, then what? What are you going to do? What can you do?
Absolutely nothing.
I'm in way too much pain. Too much has happened. Too many things have fucked up my brain. There's nothing you could ever do or say to take that trauma and pain away from me. So “yes”, is the best answer i can give you.
You can't do anything about the raging storm that is happening inside of my head. No one can. It's loud. It's so loud there. Loud thunder. The rain,
So loud, so loud, so fucking loud.
And my head feels heavy. Really fucking heavy. It's like I can barely hold it up and I always have to lay down to make sure my body doesn't give out under the heavy pressure of carrying my head around.
And when the thoughts in my brain keep piling on top of each other, so much, and so high that I barely can fit inside anymore, that's when the thoughts get really dark and heavy.
That's where I know that not a single soul can help me.
That I'm lost.
That's when I want to hurt myself.
When I want everything to stop.
The thoughts. The pain. The numbness. The heaviness. The struggle. The tears. The voices.
When i want
To
Stop
Existing.
That's the deepest part of the hole you can fall into. The moment where you're only a second, only a millimetre away from hitting the bottom.
That's the moment you get rid of your existence and hit the bottom of the hole.
It's what I've been longing for for the longest time. I don't remember what it's like not to want it.
The best part about it is that you won't feel the impact. You won't feel the pain, the shame, the guilt, the heaviness of the world anymore because it's quiet.
It'll be so quiet and peaceful.
No voices. No storm. No pain. No thoughts. No tears. No harm. No danger.
Just
Peace.
That's the only thing that can fix me. That can heal me, make me be okay.
But until then, I'm not okay. I won't be. There's nothing, besides that, that can fix me.
But I can't tell him, or anyone else, any of that.
So i'll just continue to nod my head, give a assuring smile and say yes.
“Yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes” “yes”
-
I wrap my arms around his torso, my head buried in his chest. “Yes.” I answer him. “Just tired, that's all.” I smile at him.
He smiles back, kissing my forehead gently. He doesn't believe me, I know that. But he doesn't want to pressure me. “You can talk to me. Always and about anything. You know that, right?” he reminds me, his soft lips moving against my forehead.
“I know.” I kiss him on the lips, he smiles against mine. “Let's go lay down and take a nap together, yeah? You need rest.”
love,
<3 @ playgrl0
#p!writes!%*#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader#nanami x reader#nanami kento x reader#kento nanami x reader#nanami kento#kento nanami#jjk#jujutsu kaisen
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state of mind
Pairing: Trafalgar D. Water Law x fem!Reader
Warnings: masturbation. mutual masturbation. smut. language.
A/N: i am sleep deprived but my brain was like, "hey do you wanna write this out real quick tho..??"
+consider supporting me on ko-fi+
At first, Law thought he was just hearing things.
The Polar Tang sustained a certain level of noise at all times. It was a submarine, it was to be expected. The constant hum of various systems, equipment and the engine itself was so constant that it became abnormal not to hear it. So, it only made sense that the soft buzzing and moaning he heard wasn't actually you, but part of the ship.
But the Polar Tang doesn't cry out his name in ecstasy, you know?
The first time he heard you, he brushed it off. You were an adult woman with needs. As his crew's physician, he was aware of who was sexually active in his crew - for medical reasons - and Law understood that being at sea for extended periods of time could make some of his crew…quite horny. So, if they decided to satisfy that need in the privacy of their own room at night, that was only natural. Almost expected, honestly. After all, not everyone was as comfortable being celibate the way Law was.
Sex was neither here nor there for Law. It wasn't something he pursued often - if at all - because it wasn't necessary. Masturbating was an even more rare occurrence for him. For most of his life, his priorities had been aligned differently. Giving in to sexual temptation wasn't on that list. He had enough experience to know what he was doing when and if the time came, and that was enough.
So, curiously, when he began noticing how frequently you would masturbate, it started to pique his interest. When he'd hear your soft and pretty moans pass through the wall each of your personal quarters shared, he'd wonder for a moment what you were fantasizing about. Men? Women? Both? Did you fantasize about certain positions or fetishes? What turned you on, he wondered.
Law had wondered that often, until he got his answer.
It had been a wild kind of night on the Polar Tang. The crew was relishing in a profitable score from some island they landed on. Booze was flowing like water, clothes were gambled in games of strip poker and Law was sure that most of his crew would wander into the sickbay tomorrow looking for painkillers to nurse a hangover. So be it, he thought. Let them party.
He enjoyed his booze leisurely, letting a mild buzz soften the edges of his mind. He had never been the party type, so he was content to watch the night's events unfold around him.
You looked pretty that night. Prettier than usual, he dared to think. You had forgone the white jumpsuit that was standard for his crew, and were in clothes that suited your personal taste. You were smiling, laughing until your sides hurt, and before long you were dancing with Ikkaku and Shachi. He watched you twirl and sway, eyes on your form perhaps a bit too long because you caught him staring. It amused him to see you blush and bashfully look away. If staring at you made you so shy, Law wondered how you would react to finding out that he heard you moan and purr as you fucked yourself silly as often as you did.
Eventually the party began to wind down, and the crew members that weren't passed out on various surfaces stumbled off to bed. His buzz was still there as he walked to his room, and Law pondered what he would do for the rest of the night. Insomnia was a bitch.
You had rounded the corner opposite of him, palms rubbing at your tired eyes. As you approached your room, you wished him a goodnight.
"Don't stay up too late," you had teased. You were well aware of his bouts of insomnia, of course.
"Very funny. Goodnight, [Name]."
As Law settled down at his personal desk, some medical journal opened in front of him, he started to hear the familiar little sounds coming from your room.
"That was quick," he muttered to himself. Despite how sleepy you had looked, you must have been horny enough to get at least one orgasm out before passing out, and had wasted no time getting started. Kudos to you.
Maybe it was because of his buzz, but Law wasn't focused on his reading as he should have been. Having read the same paragraph half a dozen times, he gave up on trying to continue. Instead, he focused on your sounds.
You were a bit louder than usual. Probably from your own alcoholic buzz. Lowered inhibitions and all that. His mind began to wander as he listened to each of your moans. Were you completely naked, or were you touching yourself through your clothes? Were you using toys, or just your fingers?
Law closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. He couldn't deny that he found pleasure in hearing you as often as he did. Perhaps it was wrong to listen, but then again he felt that you should have known that there was always a possibility of being heard. He may not actively pursue sexual satisfaction, but that didn't mean he didn't have an imagination.
And his imagination was going wild tonight. He pictured you naked and underneath him, blushing and shy like you were earlier that evening. He imagined teasing you and instructing you to show you how you pleasure yourself. Law would watch as you touched yourself, he'd memorize the rhythm and process and find himself hypnotized by it all. He wondered what your breasts would feel like in his hands and how soft your thighs would feel around his waist. Sinfully, the question of what your sweet, sensitive pussy would look like taking his cock crossed his mind.
Fuck.
His cock was straining against his jeans. It ached and pulsed, twitching impatiently each time you moaned. He adjusted himself, trying to relieve some of the discomfort. No use.
With a sound somewhere between a groan and a sigh, Law unbuttoned his pants and worked them down his hips until there was room to let his hard cock bounce free. He palmed it eagerly, stroking from base to tip in quick motions before slowing down. His shoulders relaxed, and he stretched out his legs. No need to rush, he thought.
Slow, languid motions made his hips shake. He sucked in air through his teeth, abdomen flexing back towards his spine. Images of fucking you in every position he could think of buzzed around his already buzzed brain. His fingers splayed over his balls, squeezing them and eliciting a soft groan from his lips. Tilting his head forward, he opened his eyes and looked at the way he was fucking his hand.
He imagined you on your knees before him, mouth open and your pretty lips swollen from rough kisses and giving him head. His pace quickened, his strokes becoming a bit more desperate. As precum leaked from the swollen head of his cock, he wondered if you would eagerly lick it clean for him. The image of you drooling around his cock made his own mouth water, and he licked his lips.
"[Name]," he breathed. It was an airy and soft whisper of your name. Unlike your sweet purrs and squeals, there wasn't any possibility that Law could be heard saying your name in praise.
So imagine his surprise and pleasure when he heard his name being cried out from your lips.
A smirk adorned his face and he stared ahead, picturing you fucking yourself on your bed that he knew was along the very wall he was staring at.
So that's what you thought about while you played with your pussy. All this time, all these nights when he heard you moan over and over again, you were thinking about him. Your captain. Well, Law couldn't claim that you thought of him every time you masturbated, but it was nice to pretend like that was the case.
He leaned back again, eyes closing and the fantasies gaining intensity. The variety of each filthy thought grew. From fucking you in public to breeding you, to playing out some medfet fantasy to bondage and everything in between - it all crossed his mind in a whirlwind of lust and desire.
He worked his cock faster, muscles tightening in his thighs and stomach. Your moans were encouraging him, and he could tell that you were getting close to an orgasm. He decided to play a game with himself, to see if he could make himself cum at the same time as you did. Soft, low moans left his lips as Law fell into the perfect rhythm he needed for an orgasm.
His cock was so hard and pulsed against his fingers. The head was swollen and defined and he shivered as he squeezed it tightly in each stroke. His hips lifted away from his chair in an attempt to thrust against his palm.
"Fuck," he moaned. You called out his name once again and his body hummed with pleasure. "That's it. Good girl. Fuck yourself for me a little harder."
It was a shame that you couldn't hear him. You'd probably like hearing him encourage you to get that pretty pussy fucked out and wet for him.
Shit, he was going to cum. He clenched his jaw and listened for your tell-tale sounds of an orgasm. God, he was right there. A lot of things could be held back, but orgasms weren't the easiest to keep at bay when you're right at the edge –
"Law! Fuck, yes…oh my God –"
"Yeah, that's it. Cum for me. Fuck –"
Pleasure set every single one of his nerves on fire as bliss overcame him. Law moaned out your name, a waterfall of cum dripping down his cock and over his hand. His breath was heavy and strained. When every last drop of cum was spent, his body relaxed in a way that was nothing short of satisfying. For once in an indeterminate amount of time, Law's mind was now pleasantly blank.
When he was able to collect himself, he went about cleaning himself up. All was quiet in your room now, too, and Law could only smile.
How long he would let this go on was something he couldn't quite say for sure. For once, he wasn't thinking about the future. A foreign state of mind for him, indeed.
He'd consider it tomorrow, maybe, but right now Law only wanted to sleep. He welcomed the rest, and enjoyed how his dreams were filled only with your sweet self.
#trafalgar law x reader#one piece x reader#trafalgar law imagine#one piece imagine#trafalgar d water law
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I am tired I lack words to explain this constricted suffocation confided in my chest, How much more do I need to keep questioning what I did wrong? to rationalise everything, to find that crack in my temple that is wreaking the very foundation of my personality.
Lately I have been questioning everything, a lot.
Pondering over what did I do wrong to deserve this? I don't want to tho, cause things happened and will keep happening without any reason.
Haven't I given enough? World is cruel, it does not give back all that you give it, look at the trees being slaughtered, I am afterall just a human, a nuinsance called human.
A friend asked me " what is the point of trying to be good?" the search of its answers are daunting me, WHY? WHY? WHY?? I answered "because I think I deserved someone who was good so I wish to be that for others, even if it is little to nothing." But is that it? Somedays I just wish to be cruel, hurt people for fun and find the answers why others do the same, Is it really fulfilling? to continue being so? but then there is this morale and self dignity that screams YOU CAN NOT BE LIKE THAT EVER. Even if that is who you really are, you wont let it be you. Am I good to be so?
Who am I tho? I like saying I am GOD, a creator, inside me lives a thousands lives I wish to live, I can make others feel somethings just by writing or painting. But then if I am GOD and a hypocrite what does that make of me?
What is GOD even? an answer. An answer to questions that are still unanswered, that are so complicated and far to reach that blaming and naming it on God seems easy. Humans love easy way, the desired path, the shortcut to not seek out change. God is the comfort zone we aren't ready to break.
So if I am a GOD, what does that make me? what am I even as a human? what value do I carry in this life?
there are so many more questions and my mind seems too consumed by them to focus on the mundane tasks of this life. I don't make much sense to me, or others. But if it made sense so effortlessly, wouldn't it be the easy way again?
anyways I am tired of it all and the void of brain has spread into my body, heart is pumping blood faster than it is supposed too and my fingers ain't still. I am tired in hidden ways, I hope you could see.
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ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr
i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)
also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up
i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb
(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)
right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me
1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense
2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭
3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them
4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)
5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)
ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder
chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-
so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely
6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.
7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)
8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately
idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet
so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all
#vent#this was written very out of order#i don't expect anyone to read this but if you do. 1 sorry 2 are you okay 3 i love you#it feels better to post things than to just write them in a doc yknow??#not sure why. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone with these thoughts ig. or getting some external validation#it did help tho. i feel like i can actually go to sleep now maybe. wow#edit: holy shit i just checked. this took nearly 2 hours to type. wtf. damn guess i really needed that akdkglhlj#btw if you do read this you gotta like this post 🧐 so. i know. bc i like knowing. sorry
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crewmate’s log
life (?) update
been writing this for a while mentally i guess. really good at just thinking things and not doing them. but an update bc i know i’ve been absent; for some of you longer than others, and i do regret and am sorry for that. i do love and care about you and think about you all even when i am gone, and i hope everyone has been holding on.
i feel like i’m one of the maquis adrift on the voyager, and it has been a long, lonely hard travel. and unfortunately often i feel like a worse person for it.
general c/tw for illness/covid/cancer, IPV, parental death. it is kinda long so feel free to skim/skip as needed.
my spouse and i have very little IRL support, we have been paying over $4k usd a month on rent alone, my mom and sister are the only family i’ve spoken to since december. spouse working full time in thankfully a better job with a shorter commute but having to care full time for me & our elderly ill cat when at home.
and this is probably the sickest i’ve ever been in my life which is saying a lot, considering ive been poisoned by toxic black mold before & have dealt with literally crippling stomach issues previous. ever since november everything has been happening. i slept basically all december, i was too tired to be awake more than 3-5 hours at a time most days. i haven’t even been able to wash my hair or proper shower since. much of december and january i was unable to walk (and i mean literally dragging myself with my arms/using my moms walker as crutches unable to walk) which was a fun new exciting development. thankfully we started to live our current place by then, as our apartment is on the second floor with awful cinder stairs. though we still haven’t moved for real and are stuck paying for it until near may. soooo really uh not jazzed to find out how we will move in the next two months when i still have days i can’t walk. especially since again we basically have no IRL support. i’m doing better at least a little, i’ve started nutrient IV therapy again which is helping even if it’s extremely difficult (and expensive). my stomach is still so fucked up that i can barely eat. it’s so clenched all the time if i have more than like 3 crackers i will have Lead Weight and 6-10 hours of pain :) thank you cannabis literally without her i would not be eating at all. even still i’m belching like a beer hall competitor for hours most days it fucking sucks. the only real progress tho has been that at least i’ve been having a lot fewer panic attacks and less general anxiety now that we are living in our new spot which i’m very grateful for. kinda surprising bc usually if my stomach hurts i have anxiety and often panic so that at least has been a relief. the rest of my brain has been fucking trash garbage tho, nonverbal or partially verbal mostly. multiple meltdowns a week when b4 it was a biannual occurrence. no brain power, lots of autistic rage & ideation. just awful to be & inflict on everyone else. i am sorry for that. it is largely why i shut down at times. i simply fucking have to.
obviously i’ve been too sick to really do anything but spouse and i are deep in our pokémon hole and it’s keeping us good company. lol despite the graphics scvi are pretty good games. writing? character development? in MY pokémon main series game? more likely than you think..
still it’s so bittersweet to be saying sayonara to satoshi shounen, ah ah ahhh i’m gonna cry so hard (already have). but i think the new series will be good. it will just be different.
also i was blessed bc in the first 30 min of playing i caught a shiny mareep, one of my top 6 fave lines and one of my fave shinies. i only caught 1 in pogo and so i was so jazzed. she’s carried us 💖 my beloved deanna (like dddk, not tng)
one of the things that’s also been good is our new living situation, even if its annoying and complicated sometimes to share with other people, i’m glad we are living with my literal oldest friend and the only person from high school i still talk to lol. we have a cottage, bigger than our old one, and even tho it doesn’t have a bathroom, the insulation & windows are shit, it’s been good. & it is under 2k a month, we got a small room in the main house now too so spouse has an office & we have some extra storage. but the best is having space to make a large, productive garden, and my friends 3 ducks and 3 chickens. skip the next part if you don’t wanna see my essay about them LMAO.
and omg gay people, i’ll never not be raising poultry now. bird flu in domestic flock was finally detected in our county this winter, which makes me sweat a bit but fingers crossed we will be ok. my friends ex (who lived here b4 us) did most of the bird care. since i’ve been here tho it’s basically all been me, and of my choice. tricky when i have been sick but truthfully they take about 20 min a day of daily care, and maybe an hour a week of general maitenence. in early autumn when we got here, it was so easy to be outside for hours with them.. no one had ever been able to pet them before. my friend wasn’t even trusted enough to see the duckies swim in their pool while she was in the yard! nowadays the two nonskittish ducks are happy to pop in there even if i’m in the splash zone 🤣 i’m awful i do love the ducks best because they are sweet, simple creatures who know what’s good in life (treats, bodies of water, naps, frequent loud gay sex) while the chickens are a bit mean 😭 i still haven’t resolved the pecking order issues (the lowest chicken, emma [cream legbar], always beats up on the nervous duck, lydia [ancona]) but hopefully in summer i’ll be able to help shift that. kitty (brown khaki campbell) & jane (silver welsh harlequin) are very well trained to “cmere” and eat readily (jane, too readily..) from my hand. the dominant chickens, boss lady/lizzie (black ameraucana supposably) & eleanor (grey lace silverruds blå) will do the same but they aren’t quite as good at the recall lol. i’ve been reading on raising them all, working on gentling them, and enriching their lives.. i love it. they have really helped me, especially kitty. she is very special. she is the smallest but she lays the hugest fucking eggs, and since mid autum it’s been DAILY. like lord girl you gotta stop and moult eventually your feathers are so tatty. spouse has breakfast every day now though. i’m allergic to eggs so 😂 oh well. they’re great fun to raise regardless. (i’ve even recently gotten skittish lydia to eat worms from my hand, so i’ve officially touched them all!!)
anyway i could talk about my beloved birds for fuckin ever obviously lol but i also wanna write about my family a bit too, bc so much has happened. tw covid , IPV , cancer
i may have had covid in summer/early fall but my mom and sis got it for real, both of them in december/january. i don’t remember which. my mom got hers likely from the hospital cuz her ONCOLOGIST told her to get her mri there instead of the specialty mri clinic :) which is nice. my mom has lymphoma as well as several autoimmune diseases and pretty severe mental illness. she has been sick in and off since. she is sick rn & i am missing this weeks IV because of that. so shout out to california removing mask requirements in healthcare settings as of april 🤮👍
my sister got hers from her shitty ex bf. that man supported her while she dealt with numerous health issues and surgeries in.. 2020..1? 21 i think. idk. maybe both. he supported her thru the hell that the last year was. up until last month when he fucking attacked her over a disagreement about a LITTER BOX. literally grabbed her , held her, and dumped dirty cat litter box over her head then destroyed the box with a huge chefs knife. bc that’s a really normal response. my sister had to call the cops. she’s gonna get a restraining order against him and his fucked up parents. but now she’s out she’s realized he had been abusing her verbally & emotionally like their whole relationship. 💔 i’m just so glad she fucking survived and he didn’t do worse, good god. she has been staying in our apartment most of the winter bc covid and now until she can get her own place so even tho we are hemmoraghing money on that shithole, at least it’s useful.. bc lol my moms husband literally told my sister “well in your bfs defense, any guy would react like that to a woman behaving like that” LIKE UM? NO?!??!? so she isn’t comfortable being there. spouse and i never felt safe around that man and it is a large reason we moved from my cottage at my moms to my dads place to begin with. so at least we have officially broken off any relationship to that trash man which is great but my mom won’t leave him so i have to just make my peace that disease will take her if he doesn’t someday. fun stuff.
tw parental death
also cool and fun things happening lately is that this saturday it will have been a year since my fathers physical form drew breath. to say this last 15 or so months have sucked shit is the biggest understatement ever. my aunt currently has like two days to settle his estate; yes she still has a large proportion of my sister & my inheritance. no i haven’t seen or spoken to her since my grandpas funeral in september but i’m the “child of her heart” like ok. & my da had a reverse mortgage on our home of 20 years, and they forced us to sell it within a few months instead of the 12 legally we were allowed. that move was absolute hell. and i had to spend 8k on movers just for some of them to 1% ass it; they literally broke multiple peices of my dads ceramic artworks bc i tried and tried to get people to help me pack them but no one but my mom did. she couldn’t manage them all. it’s hard to forgive myself. it’s so fucking enourmous to bear the weight of knowing i have to be the one who cares for and maintaines his body of work, at least the bulk of it. god that fucker i’m still mad he gave away my favourite bowl to a goddamn woman he met at the pool LMFAO classic mike manoeuvre. one of his brothers took the fish vase i wanted too.. and the vase that matches the one he was throwing when my moms water broke with me. if it was steve i forgive you because my uncle steve also is dying of bladder cancer rn (da had multiple myeloma, diagnosed 2016) and i feel shit for not speaking with him for months but. illness. larry you’re on thin ice, hugh if it was you i’ll kill you myself 🔪 same for you mary especially cuz u actually knew i wanted that shit.
dads bday was literally in january but did any one of those bitches text me? no. did any of his friends text me? no. tbf i can barely respond to texts but like still.. i feel bad i haven’t seen or called my grandma but also. illness! been nonverbal most days! so like 🥲 everyone else has their grief too i get it but lol to have everyone say “we will be there for you” and for literally no one to be seen its very hurtful. at least one of his friends text me to check in on me and my sister yday. but it really truly feels like no one gives a shit. and with my moms lack of health i’m having to prepare to be an orphan within 5 years.
my sister bought a star for him months ago in some registry. i didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was near meaningless, these registries aren’t anything, no one can own these things. but on clear nights i still look off the leading edge of the plow into whatever near nothingness that faint light is coming from, adrift in emptiness.
———
anyways that’s pretty much all from me. (is it enough LOL. happy saturn return with saturn in sideral aquarius. in my 1H too 😩) as i get better i will be getting back slowly into discord and shit, i’ve literally just been too exhausted and unable to function. some of yiz have known abt some of this, but mostly my main acct tweeps & tumblr muts haven’t, so i just figured i would write this, and maybe it would help me in some way. hopefully i’ll be back on tumblr soon too, i literally just can’t use it with our internet (and lack of) here lmfao. i’ll slowly be getting this out to my e-circles as i have energy in the next days.
sending love to you all in pawsitivity discord; yuri horse club, gabriel, kurt & folks from tumblr; and all the rest of yiz. (i don’t mean to forget or omit anyone, honest). i hate that illness & shit has kept me from you. the last year has taught me well to value the time we have and it is not guaranteed. i love you all, i miss you, and i am wishing you well. i am hoping to reconnect soon. beannachtaí 💚💙💜
#tw for fun stuff like covid cancer parental death IPV / domestic violence#u know the usual grab bag of things 😩#🖋🦓#🖋️🦓
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Hi ceb, well idk how to start but...i don't know do u even relize that u as a writer are already make a ton of people happy and forgot about their life problem, idk about anyone else but for me, u did. I have a lot of life problem and im pretty sure a lot of people has it too, but lately my problem just getting more shitty, i got deppresed b'cause i got rejected from university that im applying to, my mom always talk shit about me, the pressure that my dad put on my shoulder for beeing the 1st child in the family and need to be succes, so when he's die i can take care of my brother and sister, lonely feeling that kills me slowly b'cause i dont really have a friend, my bestfriend move to another land the one who really care about me just gone, even tho we still interact through chatting but it feels different. Ifeel so tired for all of that, sometimes i just want to gave up and just die, sinking into my pain, nothing really convience me to stay breathing untill this day except the work that u did, when im read ur masterpiece i feel healed, im happy, it feels like im living a new life inside ur story, so i hope u proud about ur self, and keep ur spirit for writing bcause of that without u even relize u already keep one body still breathing untill today, u keep one soul happy, u make someone stand strong. Sometimes i feel so sad when one of my favorite writer closed their blog 'cause i'll think "Where i can find another happines again?" So i hope u will always be here, and please be proud about ur self, i love you from the deepest side of my heart ♡
-Leviathan
I have two responses I'd like to give to you, and I hope they are still nice and light-hearted enough to convey how I feel in depth about your words.
Response one:
Omg I literally as I was reading I could feel my expression changing, like my smile was slowly growing throughout reading this and I'm really honoured that you think of me and my work so highly. I'm glad I can bring you happiness while everything else is stressful for you. I understand where you are, I'm also the oldest in my family, however I get the feeling out family situations are drastically different. Despite that, I totally understand the pressure you feel as the oldest. Being the one who has to ALWAYS set the good example for the younger ones and it feels like you're literally not allowed to mess up once, like everyone you love will be disappointed in you if you do. It's a really stressful position to be in, when you're the Oldest sibling. I understand the tension between you and your mother, as well. Although, again, I think like our family dynamics are widely different, I can understand the pain she causes you by being (for lack of a better word) a total bitch to you. My mom and I have had our fair share of fights, I even stopped calling her mom at one point. She said some very nasty things about me that, although we've made up, still hurt to this day. In a typical family, at least what you see portrayed in most movies and cartoons, your mother is supposed to be nurturing, guiding and, if you're a daughter, your best friend. I couldn't have that relationship with my mother, either, and I still don't have that kind of relationship with my own. I understand how upsetting that can be, and I really feel for you. I want you to know how proud I am of you, despite technically being a complete stranger to you. I want you to know that you are so loved and cherished, despite your brain probably telling you otherwise. I believe in you, I do. If you ever feel the need to rant or vent about your day or if you just want someone to give you some probably-not-comepletely-realistic-advice, feel free to come to me. I know it's not my responsibility, but I want you to know my intentions of being a safe person for you are still there.
Response two:
As I said in response one, I totally get where you're coming from, and I really appreciate that you enjoy my content and feel safe enough with me to talk about these things with me. I'm really honored to receive such praise. However, it is a little uncomfortable. I feel like you're placing me on a pedestal, deeming me of greater quality that I actually am. From the way you worded that you are so sad when your fave writers close their blogs and you feel you have to search for happiness again, it sounds like you are very dependent on constant content and consistency. I think I worded that incorrectly, but again, it's 1am, and I have yet to take my medication lol. I don't mean to say this in a way that sounds rude or mean or anything, I promise you that, but one day, I'm going to close my blog, too. Of course I have no intention of doing so any time soon, but it's a likely outcome. Most tumblr writers I've been friends with or have followed had gotten tired of their work or things outside of tumblr happening that made them close their blogs or leave for a really really long time. There are a lot of things us writers have to deal with just like you do. We could be in the same stressful positions, which could lead us to feeling so stressed or unmotivated or unhappy that our hobby, that sometimes seems like a job, no longer brings us satisfaction or joy. Sometimes things like that happen. It happens to all of us. Even our idols, our friends, our family, our acquaintances. It happens. It's not something we can control. The way you have worded this makes me feel an uncomfortable sense of responsibility that I shouldn't have to feel. I think you should search for more than just my fanfiction to bring you happiness. Maybe pick up a new hobby, find a program or community you feel welcomed enough to meet new people and make new friends. Maybe reach out to old friends to see if you can spark those friendships back up again. Maybe just take a few days to relax and take care of yourself. Find something, anything, other than me and my work to find you happiness. Of course, I would still love to be a source of happiness and comfort to you, it's really what I strive to do with my online presence. But I don't want to do that all on my own. I don't want to be exclusively the only person who can make you happy. Maybe it's my commitment issues talking, but that just makes me really uncomfortable. And again, I mean this to sound as light-hearted and friendly as possible while also letting you know seriously how I feel. I want my responses to feel really genuine, because I promise, I mean all of this genuinely and truly. I'll still be here, but I'd like you to find another thing that makes you happy, so I'm not all alone in being your favourite. I really appreciate you telling me all of this and how you felt. I genuinely and truly am grateful for your praise and good thoughts, however undeserving I may be at times. I care for you just as much as I do my other followers, and I always want to be some sort of a safe haven for you.
I hope what I said was understandable and didnt come off as bratty/rude/or insensitive. I mean all of this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting me the way you do. Your love means a lot to me.
#🦋ask : leviathan anon#oooh look at cebbie! him settin boundaries for himself slay king!#sorry i had to make a joke so the tension would fade before i post this lol!#i hope it was at least a little funny to you bc it was hilarious to me lololol#ceb loves his followers <3
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15 Questions for 15 Friends
15 questions for 15 friends
Tagged by @stuffforthestash ty!
ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I changed my name awhile ago and I suppose I will reject cringe and live free by admitting it's based on both my favorite X-Man character Gambit and the name of one of my decade's long OCs lmao.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Couple of nights ago actually when I was reading the latest chapter of the very excellent Halstarion fic Write to me. Highly recommend it.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Hahahaha omg lord no, my life is barely sustainable for the grown adults living in it, much less a poor kid
WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? Played baseball in a summer league as a kid but outside of that nah. I was in marching band thru all high school tho does that count?
DO YOU USE SARCASM? Never heard of her
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I am incredibly unobservant and often so very tired, so honestly not much lmao...maybe eyes and hands? I do notice the differences between fake, nervous and genuine smiles a lot tho
WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? I got curious and looked up actual names for eyecolors and mine are apparently labeled Gemstone Green
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Depends on my mood, I think sometimes bittersweet or 'death' endings can be beautiful and cathartic - FFXVI comes to mind. But the older I get the more I want people to just be together and happy in the end.
ANY TALENTS? Even though it's more really hard work for a really long time, I guess I could say art and maybe writing? Art feels more like a natural talent to me, I've been drawing since my hands could hold a pencil properly, writing is much more difficult. It genuinely makes my brain hurt from the struggle lmao.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Won't get me, 3 secret answers needed to remake my password question!
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Drawing, writing, roleplaying/D&D, in-game photography (mostly FFXIV and dipping toes into BG3, I desperately want to learn how to pose ripped models in Blender), playing video games esp visual novels, and collecting/watching old made-for-TV movies (esp fantasy & horror based ones) from the 80s and 90s.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? 2 cats, our grumpy old ladies <3 We might be getting a third if he ends up liking the place, fingers crossed.
HOW TALL ARE YOU? just under 5'11'' (180 cm)
FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? Art class, band class, English, ceramics.
DREAM JOB? I wanted to be an animator or comic artist for most of my life but that ship sailed, c'est la vie. Now I just want something I don't have to think too hard at, make it thru a full 40 hours without wanting to die lol and just do the things that make me happy like writing and spending time with friends and sleeping, etc.
I'm supposed to tag 15 people but I'm pretty sure everyone I could tag has been tagged ahaha so I'll just say if you're reading this consider yourself tagged & fill it out if u want!
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11.17.23
i felt way more like myself today than i have in several MONTHS
which is probably why i'm here writing this right now. it's a good thing because i've felt the urge to express myself in an honest way for a gooood while now.
a lot has happened. it's been a few months since i've written here but it just goes to show how much life happens even when it feels like the same day over and over again. since the last thing i've written, i've felt like i've taken the backseat to my life. at least since the end of august, and it's november now. through all of it, i've been dragging my physical body around operating solely from the cockpit of my mind. i lacked the proper sense of awareness about my own body. when i felt it - i was (am?) utterly repulsed by the feeling of it. by my own behavior and my physical being. spooked like seeing a ghost, and deeply ashamed.
either way, i've been there despite feeling an 'out-of-body' vibe about it. here's what happened though -
worked as an Associate Producer for a 3-day festival in Atlanta, GA. it was a 'win' given how long i've wanted to work for the producing agency partner. bucket list fulfilled, but so much sanity lost as a result. one of those projects that has you rocking back and forth in a corner, convincing yourself it will open "so many more doors"
Zach got a job that has him out of state for several months at a time - which has me feeling extremely mixed emotions. we were never in a committed relationship, but spent a lot time having amazing experiences together and keeping each other in good spirits. now tho? it's more like we're both throwing emotional weight around. my head tells me to pull back but my heart feels a sense of guilt and obligation. he's been there for me and has done a lot for me in the past. i want to show up those same ways, but maybe don't have all of the endless patience that i'd like to.
this is recent, but i find myself thinking about ian and a short term fling from earlier this year very frequently, way more than i'm comfortable with. i wish i could flush my brain with bleach. i simply sit and observe the flashback reels in my mind, without wishing i could recreate them - but it hurts so much more than drifting away on having hope that it's possible.
my best friend brad spent some time, unexpectedly, on a ventilator after a surgery complication. this is the type of thing that reminds you how fragile life is and how easy it can be to lose, on your own or in the hands of someone else, a surgery team or what have you. it really punctuated a season where one is meant to feel thankful for what they have, because you never know when a person in your life might potentially leave you. thankfully, my friend is alright. he's on a fast road of recovery and i'm so, so grateful.
i've been spending a lot more time with my family lately and traveling back to Pennsylvania which has been a big overwhelming moment mentally. there's a LOT going on back home and moving away keeps me insulated from it. by "it" i mean being involved in a situation that i know has no winning equation, but doing so because someone or the other wants you to be on their side. i'm not good for taking up other people's righteous causes in the first place, but had i stayed - i know i could have been militarized for someone's cause. so with my neutral position, i get the opportunity to spend time and chat with family members who might have assumed i was "aligned with the enemy" otherwise. that's important to me. i've thought about moving home when i'm back there. i don't know if it's the familiarity of it or the "what if" factor - but i'm staying where tf i'm at.
i've felt a sense of needing to settle down lately. i'm tired. even after the fugue state, i still feel incredibly exhausted by constantly raizing everything i've known to create something new. i've created - up to this point, and finally feel ready to collaborate with the things i can't control.
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Sharpe's Eagle Daily Book Report:
[my gf is coming to see me!!!!! and my brain is fried rn from excitement so i dont know how Daily my book reports may be for a bit]
as 😬 as cornwell can be as writing women/about women, i appreciate that he never writes sharpe as like macho and possessive? like josephina he knows isnt gonna stay with him, but he's not like pissy about it? which happens often with his ladies, them not staying. and idk if that's typical of the genre because i have read zero other books like these ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. but i like it. like... relationship drama of that type bores me to death. and honestly i have no interest in any girls-of-the-week outside teresa (tho grace was Neat and gets a pass)(sorry lucille i dont know you well enough yet but maybe) but at least there's no endless "will they stay together??!??!?" bullshit when we know they won't lol.
aaaaw lenox helping sharpe out by saying the stocks were lost in battle ;u; rip cool guy.
god hearing "daddy hill" is going to make me uncomfortable every single time. like i get it but also no, you know?
i still love lawford and sharpe's friendship, probably more so in book canon since we, like, actually get to see it. and in the show i had almost no idea who lawford was until my rewatch where i started recognizing him in the background. but he's just so damn genuine and clearly likes and favors sharpe. and throwing in india canon later, where baby lawford actively looks at baby sharpe all 😳, it's a great dynamic.
(semi related to all of this but i'm currently looking at WWI docs at work while listening to sharpe, so every time i come across something talking about the french my first instinct is to think "ah, the enemy!" and then i'm like "wait, no, that was 100 years earlier”)
anyway i also love protective, supportive hogan trying to help sharpe all the time. i 100% believe in there being a trifecta of officers who all think sharpe is Very Special and i bet they get together to talk about him :3c
i appreciate that the show changed what happened to josephina a bit, i think i prefer the show version. because every time i have to hear "his woman" i def go 🤢 lol (also reading about cornwell saying he made different women characters to be "presents" for a male character like.... buddy, no. try that one again). also sharpe gets hurt in the show which is always superior. also i love the officer trifecta pushed the pieces around to specifically give sharpe a chance to kill barry (berry? idk, audio only baby) and that's also great fun. i just find his death in the show more emotionally satisfying. i suppose he does more to be antagonistic overall in the show, too, so it just plays out in a more complete way. like he's barely mentioned in the book and gibbons does most of the bitchyness there, tho idk of book gibbons gets stabby-stabbied by sharpe yet.
well there we go! many thoughts for a short listen because i am v tired today and kept drifting off at work oops
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Argh, so relieved that you are better now 🤗
I told you Brazilian curses never miss 😌!!!! (Joke) I am so damn happy that you are free now... Selfishly because that means I might throw a few requests to your writer brain anonymously even with your request closed, aaand you will have the time to do it if you want to (evil plan face)
Rapidly Googles when is "evening" in India and finds out is in a couple of hours: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! OFFICIALLY OUT OF MY CHAIR AND WAITING STANDING UP!!!!
Ahm, I dont think I can call myself a writer. At maximum someone who has too many thoughts on her head and needs a escape valve otherwise she will get crazy 🤔. Not a good one tho, and I highly doubted you have ever read one of mine (thankfully 😅) - i dont write "lizzies" yet 🤭
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I laughed waaay too loud at your Google search for the environment I am in right now 🤣🤣. I totally can relate to that.
India? That is so cool!! I always wanted to visit New Deli. I find your culture extremely interesting. I might be imagining the SW of your profile photo doing the downward dog position on yoga leggings rn. 😬
Yep, Brazil! Oh, yeah - it was a high school mesh with business basics. To graduate, we did a 4 hour long exam on which we created the whole company from scratch, payed the taxes, decided our product value, did the payments sheet and toped with the balance sheet of 3 FUCKING YEARS, until we got our payback... of course I nailed it, cause I am a geek 🥸. Now I don't think I can turn on the HP12C anymore. I totally flipped to the other expectrum and am on the biological/humans studies side of the force now.
Ok, I just Googled "On earth we are briefly gorgeous"- that is a touchy and angsty letter-poetry-like novel - and you are lining that up with Jane Austen... *posh accent on* you're fancy ✨️
But yeah, I can relate to the fic supremacy 😂😂. I actually found out that fanfic existed only on August :x. What a turn of events since then.
Can't wait to see your fic later today.. I will be refreshing you page constantly after a couple of hours.
. .
ahahaha i still have like two requests pending and i feel guilty that i haven’t written them yet but i’ll do it in a day or two :) (geniunely sorry to the other anons :(((( ) but i’d love to have some requests from you of course <33 *cue hayley williams singing darling youuuu areeeee the only exceptionnnn* i love that song but me when
oh don’t put yourself through the stress, i’ll tell you, it’s scheduled for 10:30pm IST hehe :P which is about 1 hour and 29 minutes from now
jgffgdnkd but i really want to read your fics now, i’m so curious 😭 then ummm who do you write for? :D
AND PLEASE GOOGLE LITERALLY NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW like my dudes. countrymen. i just need to know a word that starts with a p ends with -tion and means something like a bad gut feeling NOT A COMPLETE DIAGNOSIS FOR WHAT A BAD GUT FEELING CAN BE
i’ll give you a bit of an advice - do not visit new delhi😭 i’ve never been there either but you might want to search up the air quality index in delhi. it’s unbearable to breathe there!!!!! people are literally moving out of that place because it’s so polluted :( but SW in yoga pants??? count me in 🤤🤤
WOW OMG 😭 i will be learning all those things in the future and WHAT THE HECK THREE YEARS’ BALANCE SHEETS?!?) my head hurts thinking about that pls byeeeee i love accounts but i get so tired because we need to make all the ledgers and working notes on paper. by hand. with a ruler. in a 3 hour long exam. DUDE HOW— nvm. i cried about this degree enough already😭 that’s interesting tho, biology has never been my subject (except a few things here and there) (*cough cough* mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell 😎😎)
oh yes i’m very fancy 💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻 *proceeds to read the most filty smut ever known to humankind, with an incessant amount of angst* so very fancy. 💅🏻
PLS SAME I FOUND OUT ABOUT THEM IN MARCH THIS YEAR and the way life has never been the same 🫣 i’m not the same kid anymore hehe
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KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )
✿ NAME: aid! what i’m most known as, shorthand for Asuraid which is just my online handle in most places.
✿ PRONOUNS: she / her!
✿ PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: mmm, mostly thru tumblr IMs / post replies? obvs discord is the best, but because i’m so low spoons for social energy i am a lot more picky with adding people there. :[
✿ NAME OF MUSE(S): sylvie and my gaymer boy oc! tho i’m not very active on him, i do still have access to his account.
✿ EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): uhh, overall i started roleplaying when i was around 12-13 on devART, moving onto tumblr circa 2013 ( so i was around uh ... 14ish? ). so i’ve been writing on here for almost a decade at this rate LMAO ...
✿ PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: skype, discord, tumblr, devART, iphone messages, msn for like one person ... never tried my hand at forums, or rather i did early on and dropped it because the format was odd for me w/multiple people going on at once.
✿ BEST EXPERIENCE: honestly getting to meet the people i talk to now, esp @afacere since we’ve been at the hip for years now; a lot of Hideki has been influenced by her, and we’ve been each other’s friend support pillars for years. honestly, taking the plunge to bring sylvie to tumblr ( since i had been in a heavy hiatus at that point off hideki ) also counts here.
✿ RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: tiny fonts, tiny themes / docs / carrds ... thankfully it’s not terribly prevalent but sometimes i do come across some of them where you either can’t read the text well because it’s too small, or it’s too blended into the background / too contrasting, so it hurts to look at, or the background is misaligned to the text box because other resolutions werent taken into account and i wanna bite my own arm off because it’s like ... pls. this is what ppl see first and where your primary info is. thankfully, dash view mitigates it for themes, but it makes me take -10 hp of damage.
✿ FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: mmm, i guess fluff? mostly just due to sylvie’s personality, i do tend to lean more into silly light-hearted stuff. angst i do enjoy but it’s harder for me to write just cause i’m slow and for angst i really need to do it in the moment of it happening to feel it. smut ... i dont write on here ueueueue. sylvie does fucc tho.
✿ PLOTS OR MEMES: memes, mostly because over the years i feel like i’ve lost my brain for generating plots. not that im not up for it!!! im just ... very, very very slow and work off spontaneous stuff better ( and discussing stuff more in depth ooc ). i bounce better off an existing base rather than no base.
✿ LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: mostly short since im often pretty tired, so dash commentary is pretty prevalent. that’s not to say im not open to long replies!!! i enjoy writing them, they just take a lot of spoons for me the longer they are ... though sometimes stuff unintentionally gets long because sylvie rambles.
✿ BEST TIME TO WRITE: whenever my brain doesn’t feel like death ... it really is sporadic, though most of my writing time ends up being at night because that’s when it’s the quietest and i’m free ( ... almost, my parents are playing a loudass movie rn even at 1am ). otherwise i do just write when i feel the muse for it.
✿ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): to a degree? it’s hard not to put aspects of yourself in an oc, even if subconsciously. sylvie is more-so what i aspire to be in confidence, but we do have some overlap ... especially in our humour. their unfiltered thoughts are my unfiltered thoughts, but i just have a filter to keep them in LMAOOO. we also deviate off topics very easily and ramble about things.
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Who tf is this
The last time I was on here I was feeling hopeless romantic-ish. My life was so different and its rly crazy how quickly that happens. I feel so alone. I moved out of my moms house and most of the time, im alone. I miss my brothers. At the same time im so glad to be out of there. I feel like I couldn't breathe most of the time but I guess that's typical. I thought that moving out would solve all my problems but it also hasn't made them worse. I do feel better, liberated. I think I was running away from my mom and her baggage but maybe I thought I could get away from the shit that's mustered inside of me. Anxiety, traumas. The other day I realized why I hate when women I've been involved with romantically find new men in their lives and its because some part of my brain perceives it as abandonment. Even though I am no longer interested, im still hurt. Even though I never was interested I am hurt. I think that I've been abandoned so much in my life that part of me wants ppl to cling to me or maybe its the other way around. Maybe I want to cling to ppl so they never leave me but at the same time I never show emotion or reveal myself. Id rather destroy a potential relationship with someone than to let them hurt me or have the ability to. I think that's why I run often. I run from strong emotion whether it be within me or from someone else. But life has been so weird lately and my moods have been so off and I think it all stemmed from my mother. I have seen men come in and out of the homes we lived in. Each one taking my place for the good while. Maybe, as a child, I slowly understood just how much I didn't matter or how easily I could get replaced. Throughout the years just slowly darkening my view of the world. Im understanding now. Why I approach women with cynicism and the expectation to get replaced instantly but im not wrong in this. I wish I could understand myself better and understand why I choose to pursue the women who clearly never want to meet me. Maybe Im chasing a mothers love. Don't get me wrong tho, I think I just want something unconditional. Part of me wants to be saved through understanding. The logical question would be, " what are you going to do with this information?" I have no fucking idea but im reaching my limit. The point where I choose to stop being a slut and focus on myself. No more chasing or having such a sexual noggin. True love finds you as they say. I wish I could be okay with being alone. Even tho it hurts and I've cried writing these words and recoil in disdain, I think I've made many right choices for myself that are equally matched with bad ones. wrong turns get u nowhere but the right ones don't. I don't regret moving out I rly needed this. Every day I learn more about myself.
but shit I get agitated so much lately or I'll feel super tired but not physically. I had a nightmare today. My head was resting on a man who I didn't recognize but in the dream he was my father. when I realized I didn't know him I woke up but into sleep paralysis and saw a shadowy figure laying with me and felt my hands being pushed towards my face and then I made my energy rise within me and I got up. Very strange. Maybe im in a spiritual and emotional battle with myself and forces around me. but damn they rly on my dick rn.
and its so crazy how my last post reflects the current topic. I am naive.
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august 13, 2022 4:24pm
"hi. it's been a while." the first 5 words i tend to write down in every single post i make here. well, in my defense, it always had been a while. things have been good, in fact they've been great. to let you catch up, here are some of the things i've accomplished while i was away !!
i'm back in school. struggling a bit cos most of the topics, i've completely fallen behind from. but i'm trying. that's what matters, ig. it's the first semester palang so i'm still vv shy. i will definitely try to do better when i start to feel comfy asking for help.
i've made a couple new friends in school. they're a lot nicer than i expected. being around people has made me feel a bit more human (??) which, i haven't felt in a while. it feels nice. <3
i went to manila, by myself. it warms my heart whenever i get the chance to smile at strangers, esp when they smile back ahihi.
i haven't been saving a lot of money since i've been spending a lot more than i used to. more is spent on my previous galas. i'm working on it. i saved enough money to buy myself a whiteboard tho. it's not much but i'm happy hehe
pampanga guy gave me self-help ebooks and one actual book (i haven't really started cos it's tagalog lmao) !! but they're good. he gave me a shirt, a rose, a couple of jewelries that i gave to my family instead. he's a good person and i kinda messed it up a bit.
i don't talk to the bike guy anymore or at least not as much as i used to.
i got SMT's this week on research and psych. i should be reviewing right now, but i want to be in a good spot mentally first before i do so i'm writing here. i got to deal with our buwan ng wika thingys which i HATE SM cos i don't like dancing but fuck it.
i feel more confident in my sexuality. i am bi-curious, exploring my options and who i really am. i came out to a friend and it's super heart-warming !!!!
i'm starting to become more comfortable with my body. and yes, you could also say that i've been eating a lot more loool. i feel very comfy w who i am and what i look like. i guess i can still be normal and a good person behind this human body. i'm starting to hate it less, maybe not as much on social media (yet) but idc. apparently, there's more to my life now than what's behind my screen. finally.
^ a bit related, i feel like i have gained weight but i'm not rlly thinking about it much. i will try to do better, but i won't let it stop me from enjoying my life anymore. i !! still !! deserve !! to !! be !! happy !! and !! secure !! within !! myself !! despite !! my !! weight !!
some days, i still do get sad. i kinda found a way to snap out of it though ^^ there r far more important things than what the uglie things my brain tells me so i >> d i s t r a c t
i've been organizing my stuff like 30 times MORE than i've ever organized anything the past few years. (a bit exaggerated but iykyk)
i'm actually enjoying my review time nowadays. it makes me feel happy to get answers correct. i'm really reaching out to be within the honor roll, to be part of sum clubs & be the best student i can be this sy :) good vibes only, no pressure!
i've cut a couple social media ties but, again, i don't really care. i'm not really affect much by things that r behind my screen. i'm trying to only care abt things that matter irl
i downloaded an app "flinch" it's a self help app. iz cute
i've been planning on saving money for: school/study materials, some bags, for galas (ofc) and CLOTHES. man, it gets tiring to repeat outfits. but yeah, no pressure ofc. i'll get them once i can ^_^
I GOT MY BOOSTER HELL YEAH!! my arm still hurts like a mf today + i was absent last thurs but it's okiii. no more absences.
i alr get sleepy around 9-10pm, it's not fun altho i do get more responsibilities & tasks done
that's practically all i can think about right now. life's funny eh? i feel like i'm on cloud 9 and all it took was.. showing up
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