#why did i allow myself to get back into the old roots GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHO ALLOWED ME TO DO THIS
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me, dusting off the blog after yet another 50 years of vanishing with a pack of caprisun: so, i’ve been rewatching most of d/anganr/onpa content and have the three games which i plan to replay because ahaha, gotta love myself being enabled by SOMEONE to play ‘em, again...you know who you are and i’m only reminded by the utter guilt and misery my girl, mikan, has to go through after waking up from her vegetative state in neo world program. having to accept the harsh reality of the horrible actions she’s done in the name of “love” for junko, which was never real. having to come to a horrible realization that SHE pushed nanami to her death....SHE brought her closest friends, the first friends she ever had, to watch their representative, who brought them together, get killed and succumb to despair. having to finally see the damage mikan has done to her ACTUAL LOVE this applies for any ship i have with her be betrayed by her after abandoning them for junko’s “love”... it’ll destroy her. completely, utterly destroy her with so much guilt...and she’s already mentally unwell, to begin with. it’s those awful realizations that have mikan initially distance herself, fully, from everybody. for the first time, mikan feels completely undeserving of any attention she’s craved for so long... for the first time, she feels undeserving of forgiveness.
it is only by the unconditional support from everybody that mikan does find her own footing, no matter how much time it took because they’ve all had an understanding, and come out of her miserable state just enough to at least redeem herself by saving the survivors of the final killing game, in hope arc. while mikan’ll never be able to get rid of these awful feelings nor thoughts, not even the grim reality of being unable to bear children due to removing her own womb in replacement of junko’s, she now knows they all have each other and she has done a contributable part in saving kirigiri’s life as well as everybody’s reputation by pinning the blame for what happened to future foundation on the remnants of despair. in her eyes, she is forgiven by those she’s come to rescue and it’s this reassurance that will keep her marching to an unforeseeable future.
tl;dr: pluto feels for d/anganr/onpa for the 139192992992929292929th time all over again, thx 4 coming 2 my TED talk.
#👹 ` ⟪ ooc. ⟫ / SHUT UP PLUTO.#👹 ` ⟪ headcanons. ⟫ / ABOUT A MUSE.#👹 ` ⟪ ch. mikan tsumiki ⟫ / ULTIMATE NURSE.#gore mention /#infertility mention /#pregnancy mention /#ask to tag#so anyway how are u all doing? im doing just DESPAIRING#:")#why did i allow myself to get back into the old roots GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHO ALLOWED ME TO DO THIS#i just. love mikan so much? shes def my fave sdr2 chara with fuyu being second and hajime third#i mean i love them all but mikan just? struck out so much to me for some reason? shes just so interesting and her character backstory is jus#just too gruesome. man... the shit she had to go through like i do not blame her for being the way she has become. she was a victim#to unfortunate and traumatizing circumstances#me signing adoption papers:#like i am mondo stan 1 first and foremost BUT I AM ALSO A MIKAN STAN 1 AND U CAN FIGHT ME IN THE PARKING LOT#there is more than just flashing pantsu while tripping .... there is way way more :pensive:
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1996
Summary: A teenage reader discovers that there is a case nearby her hometown, she goes to investigate finding much more than what she expected.
Word count: 4600ish
Warnings: Language. Mentions of blood. Angst? Fluff? (I don't know what to really call...this)
Pairing: teenage!Dean x teenage! Reader
A/N: This was written for Rose’s 1k Follower Challenge ( @waywardrose13). The prompt was “P1: I like your knife. I’m keeping it.” P2: “That was my favorite knife.” This was my first challenge, but I kind of liked where it went. As always I thank you for reading...whatever this is, and appreciate any feedback!
Friday, September 13th, 1996.
The news of Tupac’s Las Vegas shooting and impending death had taken over the news media for the last week. They barely had mentioned anything about another young girl’s disappearance within Whispering Woods, a seemingly quiet and isolated area just an hour away from your hometown. She was not the first girl to disappear though, by now there was at least 6 since the end of spring when travelers went with their families to an innocent camp out for the weekend. Daughters missing into the night, mostly in their late teens. No sign of them again. No bodies ever recovered. No trace of foul play.
You had a pang of guilt in your stomach as you drove up to your friend’s family cabin that hid in the middle of the woods. You didn’t exactly lie to your parents, more like excluded 90% of the truth. You were going to Celeste’s cabin, but not to have a girl’s weekend. You had work to do. They were so oblivious to what was going on. They didn’t know what was out there. They were the lucky ones. They had been so excited that you had shown interest in actually spending time with another person that they waved you off happily, filling your gas tank and packing your camping supplies.
After stopping to grab other provisions, mostly jerky, water, and sugary snacks, you arrived at the cabin about 6 o’clock at night. While Celeste had questioned you intensely about why you wanted to use it, she gave in while handing you the key. She just shrugged it as one of the weird things that you typically do by yourself but begged you to not leave it destroyed, or her parents would kill her. You promised you would keep it the same way you found it, after all, whatever was out there never left a trace…
After throwing all your stuff into the cabin, you decided that you should start casing out the area. The sun was still out, but you grabbed a flashlight and the pocket knife you had stolen from your dad 2 years ago... just in case. Birds were chirping happily above in the trees as you made your way through what seemed to have been an old man-made path through the trees. The light hitting the ground as it peaked through the tall branches overhead. Wood chips and discarded branches snapping under your sneakers as you made your way through cautiously. It was beautiful here. Honestly, if you weren’t here to find a girl grabbing monster, you would have allowed yourself to sit and enjoy the peacefulness and tranquility that surrounded you.
The sound of a steady stream of water running hit your ears and made you turn toward it. After pushing branches out of your way and ducking underneath some of them, you found yourself at the edge of a small creek. You noted from the watch on your wrist that you had already walked for over an hour, so you decided to allow yourself to sit for a quick 10-minute break. You leaned back using your hands to steady yourself upright as you let your head to fall back to take in your surroundings. Your eyes closed as you felt at absolute peace for once in your life. No one was around to bother you. That was the way you liked it.
A loud snap of a branch behind you made you jump to your feet quickly. When you turned your body to attack whatever was there you were met with bright green eyes widened in shock. A teenage boy, probably about a year or two older then you standing a foot away.
“What are you doing here?” you questioned while stepping back from the boy.
“Camping,” he said calmly. “What are you doing out here alone? You know it’s not safe for little girls to be wandering alone into the woods. Haven’t you ever read Red Riding Hood?”
You rolled your eyes at his remarks. “I’m not a little girl, I can take care of myself.”
“Uh huh,” he grunted while noting that you were a petite girl almost a foot shorter than him. “Well, Red, it’s almost dark so you should probably head back to your family before you get lost out here alone. I don’t really feel like finding anyone dead later.”
You rolled your eyes at him as you moved past his side to get back to the path towards the cabin. What a jerk he was by calling you little girl and Red after the children’s story. You were not a child, you could take care of yourself. You have before on plenty occasions.
As you walked back to the cabin, your thoughts were still going over your encounter with the boy. He was handsome…well actually more like fucking gorgeous. He had amazing bright green eyes with long lashes surrounding them. Little freckles subtly spread along his nose and cheeks. Tussled short light brown with hints of blonde hair. Wearing rugged dark denim jeans and a black t-shirt that was covered by an old leather jacket that was obviously too big for him. If you had met him anywhere else you would have wanted him to grab your number, maybe even take you on a date. You had met him in the middle of the woods though, where girls were missing. It also kind of creeped you out that he mentioned it wasn’t safe out here alone. Did he know something was going on? Was he somehow at the root?
As the cabin appeared in the distance, the weather shifted above sending little raindrops to fall down your shoulders. You cursed the weather, hoping that it didn’t continue or turn worse. It would be even harder to tell if something was out there, out to get you if the sound of rain overtook the area. When you finally stepped inside the cabin a crack of lightning startled you, causing you to slam the door behind you while securely fastening the locks. Great. Fucking great.
You changed your now wet clothes into an oversized tee and plaid pajama pants. The fireplace in the living room lit relatively quickly, allowing you to sit back into the old couch to rest and wait. It was going to be a long night of waiting. Maybe nothing would happen to you? Perhaps you had imagined that there was a case here in the first place? Your thoughts of all the articles that you were able to find at the library had given you a reason to at least investigate, but what if you were just trying to find trouble? The thoughts continued as you laid back your head, slowly falling into a deep sleep.
BOOM!
The loud sound of thunder made your eyes snap open out of your sleep. Your eyes focused on your watch stating it had been about 2 hours since you had gotten back. You turned your body to face the back of the couch as the sleepiness still fell over you. The creak of the wooden floorboard behind you made your body tensed up, almost frozen as you slowly reached into your pocket for the knife. As you quickly turned around lunging up you were able to snap it open and hit something hard in the darkness.
“Ow, God Dammit,” you heard a deep voice rasp. He stepped into the light of the fire that was slowly burning down, revealing the same boy you had seen earlier, now soaking wet, while observing the inch long cut across his forearm. “You got me good there sweetheart.”
“What the hell are you doing in here?” you yelled while still grasping the knife in your hand.
“There’s a storm out there.” He said while pointing to the door. “I got a bit lost and found the cabin. I was hoping to at least dry off and wait out the storm. Didn’t mean to scare anyone.”
“The door was locked,” you stammered.
“Yeah, but the window to the bedroom wasn’t. You should really be more careful. You don’t want any crazies coming in,” he said with a little grin.
“Yeah, I think they already got in,” you sassed back. “I want you out now. My family is on there way here, and I will not be explaining a creep stalking me.”
“I’ll be out of here in a minute Red,” he said while sitting himself down by the fire. Tiny drops of blood started making their way out if the cut on his arm. “Well he can bleed, must at least be human,” you thought to yourself.
You got up and turned on the lantern that you had brought that barely illuminated the room. After rummaging through your bags for a moment, you found the little first aid kit your mom insisted that you brought with you. You sat down next to him and positioned his arm along your thighs so you could see if it was deep enough to need a stitch or if a Band-Aid would do the trick. His eyes watching you as you opened up an alcohol pad to clean it.
“Ow, that stung,” he cried.
“Oh shut up you big baby. You are lucky this was all you got,” you said while attending to his wound. “There all better.”
He glanced down at your work and flashed you a little half-smile. “Thanks, Doc.”
You nodded your head as you put picked up the little wrappers to throw them away. Another boom of thunder shook you as you walked towards the kitchen area. The storm was not letting down anytime soon, and you felt a bit guilt-ridden for wanting to throw this strange boy out into it. Your stomach was rumbling that you were hungry. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in a while either, so you went into the grocery bags to grab both of you something to eat. As you walked back, you tossed him a bottle of water along with a Slim Jim then reseated yourself on the couch away from him as you opened yours.
“Thanks,” he whispered while waiting for you to open yours.
“Welcome,” you said as you took a huge bite. He followed your lead and ate his within three bites.
“So what’s your name Red?” he asked while the fire glare bounced along his face.
“Now you're getting too personal there dude,” you said blatantly. “So why were you out in the woods, lost and alone during this crap storm?”
“I’m not alone…my dad and I split up to cover more…to look for wood,” he said sheepishly. He was definitely lying.
“Uh huh,” you replied sarcastically. “So you went out in the woods in search of wood, and got lost? All while looking like James Dean in your oversized leather jacket. What are you? The rebel without a clue?”
“I was out there for a job,” he stated. “My dad and I, well there is something out there bothering people, and we were just trying to find out what it was. Maybe stop it.”
Something out there. Those words rang in your ears. Who was this guy?
“So what do you think is out there?” you inquired while raising an eyebrow at him.
He started to look nervous as his pupils dilated. He recomposed himself by shifting his weight on the floor. “Probably just a bear sweetheart.”
“Hunting bears huh?” you said with a scoff. You turned your head to look out the window. The raindrops hitting it and trickling down fast. “I guess you can stay a while. Just keep your distance over there.”
He nodded and took off his boots that were heavy with water. The fireplace was slow to dry him off. You hesitated a minute before getting up to find some towels in the bathroom and pulling out an oversized pair of sweatpants and t-shit you brought just in case you needed it. As you handed him the items his face lite up in gratefulness while thanking you.
He pulled off his soaked t-shirt to reveal his bare chest that was well toned and defined. His muscles rippling along with his movements. Damn, he was built. He stood up to unbutton his jeans but looked over at you shyly while stopping himself. You rolled your eyes and went into the back bedroom while he finished changing. The windows all securely locked in there. You grabbed the little portable radio that sat on a dresser and brought it out with you. You stumbled through the static stations until one came in clear. You bobbed your head along to the beat as the song started up. He watching you intensely as you found yourself singing along.
Did you see the sky?
I think it means that we've been lost
Maybe one last time is all we need
I can't really help it
If my tongue's all tied in knots
Jumping off a bridge is just the farthest
That I've ever been
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Anyplace but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down, but not that far
You stopped yourself as you noticed he was smiling while watching you sing and dance along.
“Don’t stop because of me Red, you looked like you were having fun there.”
You rolled your eyes as you plopped yourself back down on to the couch.
“Whatever,” you mumbled. You watched him as he was warming himself along the fire's flames, slowly bobbing his head along to the beat. He was a typical teenager alone in the woods just like you. Who would just leave their child to fend for themselves in these woods? Your parents would kill you if they knew you had been alone. They would straight up murder you if they knew you were now shacked up with a strange guy for the night.
How you gonna ever find your place
Running in an artificial pace
Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand
So what the hell now we've already been forever damned.
“So you from around here?” you found yourself asking.
“Nah, just passing through. From Kansas originally, but we move around a lot,” he said while turning his attention to you.
“Hunting bears huh?” you chuckled. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as a drop of water from his hair fell down his face. He quickly brushed it away with the towel you had given him. His eyes shined with the light of the fire as he watched you watching him. He gave a little shrug while gently folding it back up and placing it beside him.
“So you’re not a crazy psycho murderer right?” He gave you a look of surprise while chuckling out a no. “Just making sure,” you shrugged.
“Are you a crazy psycho murderer who leers young guys into your cabin?”
You shrugged up your shoulders quickly. “Maybe,” you smiled back.
He shook his head while laughing. “I don’t think I have to worry about you with that little pocket knife ya got. Although I do have to say it still stings.”
“Serves ya right! Breaking into someone’s home at night.”
“I did try to knock first, but the thunder was pretty loud. You must not have heard it.”
“Yeah, well with being unconscious and all…”
“Sorry again,” he replied while looking down in guilt while playing with his hands. He pulled on the bottom of the shirt that you gave him to examine the picture and writing. “So a Green Day fan huh?”
“Yeah of course,” you scoffed in surprise. “They have been around forever. Honestly more people should listen to them. I bet in like twenty years they will still be relevant.”
“They are alright,” he said with a little shrug. “Billie Joe is no Robert Plant.”
“Led Zeppelin fan huh?”
He looked at you in surprise while a grin widened on his face. He gave you an approving nod as he stood up and stretched up his arms while walking past you. The t-shirt revealing the bare lower half of his abdomen that met your eyes as he walked toward the window on the opposite side of the room. He played with it for a second making sure it was securely locked. He turned to you while leaning up against the wall.
“So what exactly is a girl like you doing out here anyway?”
“Meeting my family for a little vacation,” you lied.
“They just let you drive up here alone?”
“Yes.” Another lie.
He shook his head in disbelief. “You're like what 16 and hiding out in the woods by yourself?”
“Don’t be all sexist there Rebel. You are like my age, and your dad sent you off by yourself.”
“Touché.”
“Anyways, it’s not like I don’t know how to take care of myself. I’m not a child.”
“Yeah okay,” he said while rolling his eyes and turning his eyes back to look out the window. His body tensed up as he stood frozen in place. You didn’t notice as you had gotten up to yell at him.
“Where do you get off…”
“Ssshhh,” he motioned to you while his eyes stayed widened.
You slowly moved closer to see what exactly had this tall and muscular guy so scared. He moved over for you to look out into woods. Bright glowing eyes in the bushes in the distance.
“What in the hell…”
“That Red, is trouble,” he said while walking back towards the fire to grab a silver switchblade from his jacket pocket. He nodded over to you to turn off the radio, which you quickly did in response. What the hell was that out there? Glowing eyes…shifter…wolf…maybe a demon? As he rushed through the cabin quietly ensuring everything was securely locked you stood in the middle of the room puzzling over what was going to happen next. Honestly, you found yourself wondering if he had any clue that it probably wasn’t a typical creature out there,
As he finished, he walked back to you standing in front of you with his arms crossed and seriousness on his face.
“Look I’m gonna be frank here, that is NOT a bear out there, hell it isn’t even really an animal. It’s here because you are here.”
“Me?” you stuttered as you looked at him in confusion. You knew damn well that the monster you were hunting was after teenage girls…but how could he of known that? Unless he was…
“You’re a god damn hunter aren’t you?” you gasped.
Your words surprised him. He furrowed his eyebrows at you causing crinkles within his forehead.
“You know?” he yelled. “You knew there was something out there grabbing up teenage girls and you came out here knowing it would be after you? Are you suicidal?”
His green eyes had filled with rage that someone would purposely put themselves in danger. “That was his job. How could a young girl do this to herself? Why would she do it?” He thought to himself.
You opened your mouth to speak, but a powerful shot of a gun outside made you jump into his chest that was followed by a horrible cry. He pushed you back behind him as he opened up the switchblade waiting for whatever would come through the door in front of him. The loud noises were muffled by the sound of the rain outside, but it sounded like a fight.
What was going on out there? Was that his dad out there with it? Was it coming in here? The thoughts all fled through your mind as you found yourself pulling closer into his back while he positioned himself in an attack stance. The noises of the fight had died down. It was quiet. Too quiet. He went to open the door, but you pulled his arm back.
“Don’t leave,” you whispered.
You knew he wanted to go. To see what had happened. To see if it was safe. He let out a deep sigh and wrapped his arms around you, holding you close to his chest. You let yourself fall into him, wrapping your arms around his back. He felt safe.
“I won’t go anywhere sweetheart,” he said while tilting his head to listen towards the door for any indication of presences outside. There was none. It was now silent. The only sounds were the fire cracking, your deep breathing, and his steady heartbeat. He pulled you away and led you toward the couch to sit. He stood above you watching if you were alright for the moment before he went to grab blankets from the bedroom. He threw a blanket over you and sat on the opposite side while throwing one over himself. You moved closer to him, leaning on his shoulder making him wrap his strong arm around you.
“Thank you,” you said calmly, feeling your nerves settling down. You looked up to his eyes that were still staying focused on the door. “What was that?”
“Leshy,” he replied while keeping his focus.
“What the hell is a Leshy?”
“Woodland spirit that likes to mess with people, get them lost…take young girls…” he said while looking back down to your eyes. “They are just one of many assholes in the wilderness Red.”
His eyes stayed with yours as you nodded to show that you understood. The gaze between the two of you started to make your heart beat faster again, causing your breath to slow down. You bite the upper part of your lip when as he looked away, biting the bottom of his. You couldn’t help yourself in being attracted to him, even when it was possible your life was in danger right at this moment. Hell if you were going to die any second, why shouldn’t you at least feel…something?
“I feel so stupid,” you muttered under your breath. His eyes glanced back to yours in confusion. “I should be out there. I’m supposed to be out there. I came here for it, and now I am cowering on the couch like a helpless little girl.”
He slowly shook his head to you. “You are not stupid for protecting yourself Red. You acted stupidly by coming up here in the first place looking for trouble. Don’t worry in the morning your family will be here with you.”
“Yeah, about that…that was a total lie. I mean do you really think I would have told you that it was only going to be me here?”
He shook his head again. “So why are you here then, alone? Why were you going to hunt down a thing you knew nothing about?”
You took a deep breath to pause before replying. “I don’t really know I guess. There is like a pull in me to help people. I’ve seen…other things before and have come out alive, but this…it’s new.”
“You are still young. Honestly, I say get out now while you can. This is no life to lead especially for a beautiful girl like you,” he said while gazing back to your eyes and pushing a strand of hair back behind your ear. He gave a little cough while turning his head towards the fire.
His comment made you feel your cheeks starting to blush along with your heart beating faster. Beautiful. A word you never heard from anyone else but your parents, and here was a stranger, a boy who made your heart race saying it. You cupped the side of his face with your hand and turned him back to yours. You took a deep breath and paused waiting to see if he was going to stop you. Instead, you felt his strong hand grab the back of your neck, pushing your lips onto his. It was slow and steady, both of you parting your lips gently as you fell into one another, allowing your tongues to explore. You felt yourself slowly falling on your back as his hands guided you down. He moved his body over yours while still embracing you slowly. When your back hit the seat fully, he stopped and placed his forehead onto yours while breathing hard.
“I’m sorry…” he started to whisper.
You leaned up to him and gave him a quick kiss again on his swollen lips.
“It’s okay. I wanted that. If something is going to happen, I didn’t want to go without…knowing,” you quietly said.
He sat up on his knees, while you rolled to the edge of the couch to allow him to lay himself beside you. He moved his arm around you, pushing your head into the crook of his neck. Even with wearing your t-shirt, you could smell his subtle cologne that made you bury your head deeper into him. He was intoxicating. You couldn’t help but think if after this you would ever see him again? The notion of the possibility was filled with happiness, which was quickly followed by the dread of the unlikelihood. The two of you laid in silence until both falling into a blissful sleep.
The sounds of birds chirping happily outside woke you out of your sleep. It woke him up as well as he started to rub the sleep out of his eyes while adjusting to the brightness of the sun entering through the windows.
“Is it over?” you asked while propping yourself up on your hand and looking towards the door. He moved you over and got up to go and investigate. He opened the door and walked out still barefoot. He stepped back in and nodded to you. You pulled on your sneakers while he grabbed his things that were now dried by the fire. He went to pull off the shirt, but you told him to keep it.
“Keep it huh?”
“Yeah, take it as a token of my gratitude for protecting me last night.”
“I feel like I should give you something in return still.”
You pursed your lips to the side while thinking about all he has already given you. Protection, warmth, kindness and that kiss. You looked around him at the ground and saw his knife lying next to his feet.
“I like your knife. I’m keeping it,” you said while motioning to it with a grin on your face.
He hesitated before picking it up and walking it over to your hands. “That was my favorite knife.”
“And now it will be mine,” you replied while holding it steady in your hand.
“It’s for the best,” he shrugged. “If you run into any more trouble it will definitely help you a lot more then that little pocket knife.”
There was a rumble of an engine in the distance that he directed his eyes to. His head hung down in disappointment that this was it. The job was done.
“You're leaving now huh?” you said while staring down at the knife.
He pushed himself closer to you, gently raising your chin up to look at his face. He leaned in and gave you a slow but passionate kiss. He pulled himself away from your lips and moved past you towards the door.
“Stay safe Red. I’ll see ya around…someday” he replied while walking out the door.
You slowly walked to the window to see him get into an old black car that was mostly hidden by the trees and bushes. There goes your protector. The strange boy you had fallen for. The boy whose name you never even knew.
You would often think about that night, that Friday the 13th that was a part of your beginning. The start of the hunts that went on for many more years. You no longer found yourself afraid as you always carried around the silver switchblade in your pocket. Because with it, he was always with you.
#rose1kchallange#supernatural#spn#dean x reader#dean winchester#fanfic#young dean winchester#monster hunting#friday the 13th#leshy#gin blossoms#anywhere you go#1996
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I once talked about how Maul keeps messing up his own happy ending because he keeps pursuing the answers he gets with a Sith mindset, and actually that’s been a huge encouragement for me.
(vague, metaphorical discussion of trauma under the cut)
Because it’s not that his actions were wrong... well, they were... morally, they were very wrong. “Incorrect” might be a better term here. His actions were very correct from the Sith mindset. And he was hella competent. He didn’t fail because he was a fuck-up. He failed because he was broken.
Do you know how many damn times I’ve tried to un-mess-up my relationship with God and people? Do you know how many cycles I’ve been through, trying to perform everything exactly right and coming up...
...empty?
And I get angry and spiteful because I did everything right, dammit. I did what I was taught to do and well... fuck me apparently, so also fuck all of you.
And then I go back to the exact, same, performative cycle to try to make a simple damn connection with someone. In the only way I’ve been trained. And here I am, coming up empty even though I have done everything exactly right.
So I must be a fuck-up, right?
Well, no. My actions were correct and I was hella competent.
I’m just broken. There is something inside of me that’s broken.
Maul got closest to his happy ending when he let go of the Sith mindset. I’m convinced that his final breath was forgiving Obi-Wan, a step which allowed him to join the Cosmic Force and not vanish into the oblivion he saw in the Holocrons. And he was only able to get to that place once Obi-Wan forgave him first and showed him the compassion he’d been denied his whole life. He only got to that place once that old wound was healed.
So this trauma that I’ve only just recently identified, that’s my Sith mindset: “Always remember, I am filth. Always remember, I am nothing.” That’s where I’m broken. And I need healing before I can have the relationships that I want with God and with people. Otherwise I’m just going to continue hurting myself and others.
If you have a broken arm, you don’t curse yourself for being bad at baseball. No matter how much you practice, you still have a broken arm. That’s why you’re bad at baseball, and you’re hurting yourself more trying to play. You let that shit heal, then you go play some baseball.
So it feels weird to say that “I’ve been living with childhood trauma” is something that’s a relief, but hell: I’m living with childhood trauma, and it’s been playing havoc on my relationships since I was seven years old if not earlier.
I’m not a fuck-up. I just have a Sith mindset that needs healing.
...
[Do you know how hard it was to write this all out without adding on some disclaimer about “yeah, this doesn’t excuse the hurt Maul or I cause in our Sith mindsets.” Clearly it was hard enough that I’m still adding on the disclaimer here. :P
It’s not that we’re excused from our actions, or that we shouldn’t change our morally wrong actions. It’s a recognition that our actions are birthed from a certain place, and we need to address that root mindset (created by trauma) or our actions are just going to loop back into the same destructive failures, no matter how hard we try. And we’re going to hurt ourselves and others in the process.]
#greenreticule life#hi just processing some stuff over here#this is like the third time I've written this out just trying to find the right words#i'm actually okay. I'm super okay#i mean i might be crying a bit. a lot. i might be crying a lot#but this is good. this is healing#it hurts but i'm glad for it
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