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canadian-riddler · 4 years

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Portal: The Proposition

By Indiana

Characters: Wheatley, GLaDOS, Chell

Synopsis: If GLaDOS had focused on the right person, perhaps the entirety of Portal 2 could have been avoided…

Setting: Chapter 5: The Escape

It was the culmination of simply hours of work.

They’d shut off her neurotoxin. Swapped out her deadly turrets for crap ones. And now they had her back against the wall. Sort of. She didn’t really have a back, and she was in the middle of the room, and still moved about quite freely - or as freely as one could when attached to the ceiling - but still. They had her pinned. She was at their mercy! But they had none. So she was at their nothing.

“Go on,” he urged the test subject who was, as usual, taking her sweet time completing their plan. Honestly. How he had managed to get them here in the first place was simply a miracle. She was so inclined to just stand about, and glower, and wait for him to tell her which place to go or which thing to do or where to stand so that she could fail to catch him, and honestly, it was all very exhausting. Still. Here they were, with the mighty Central Core in their grasp. She would not be machinating her way out of this one! “Press it!”

“Don’t - wait,” GLaDOS said suddenly, and he heard her look up sharply. “Sphere.”

“...Yes?” Wheatley asked tentatively, unsure why she was paying him mind now. He was, you know, sort of stuck. On this stick. Waiting.

“Why are you here? And what are you doing with her?”

“Oh,” said Wheatley. “Um… bad news. All the other humans’ve got a pretty major case of… they’re dead. All the boxes of test subjects you’ve got stored in the back? All dead. She was the only one left. I dunno who she is. Didn’t even know you’d met before! She’s fairly brain-damaged, by the way. Not sure if she’s actually going to figure out how to press that button. Mostly likes jumping, good at jumping. This button may or may not be a bit beyond her.”

“I see,” GLaDOS said. “You know. I’ve just thought of something. Would you like to hear it?”

“Uh…” This seemed to be sort of a trick question. He wasn’t sure why, exactly, he would want to hear her out, but at the same time she was being quite reasonable. Much more so than all the time she’d spent on her nutty speeches about cake and computer parts. “Okay.”

“I have a proposition for you,” she said. “But in order to tell you what it is, I’m going to have to ask you to remove yourself from that port. As a gesture of mutual goodwill. You understand.”

Hm. Sounded like a trap, honestly. At the same time, though, he really wanted to know what the proposition was. Sounded interesting. Much more interesting than this sitting about waiting for the human to get around to button-pressing. “What sort of um, of proposition?”

“You’ll like it. I promise.”

“And you promise you won’t kill me, if I come off of here?”

“I promise,” GLaDOS told him, and she sounded so reassuring that he saw no reason for her to be lying. “I just want to discuss this like the mature, reasonable, intelligent people we are. Face-to-face. No killing or threatening with core transfers.”

Well, he was quite mature and reasonable and intelligent, himself, and so he removed himself from the port as she had asked and from one of the ceiling panels appeared a management rail for him to attach himself to. Ah, excellent! She was being quite a thoughtful host, actually. Out of the corner of his optic he saw the test subject’s hand slam down upon the button at last, but it was already receding into the floor and as a result quite useless. “Now,” GLaDOS said, again in that reassuring voice, “what, exactly, was your plan? After killing me, I mean. We can skip that part.”

“Well,” said Wheatley, “I dunno what her plan was, but I was trying to leave. A bit difficult when you’re um, when you’re stuck all the way out there with the smelly humans and the management rail just sort of runs ‘round in circles. Not much to do when there’s no power and ev’ryone’s dead, honestly. Oh! And the facility was going to explode! Nearly forgot about that. Definitely did not want to stick around for that bit. Would definitely rather live.”

“Is that all you wanted?” GLaDOS said. “Well. You should have just asked. Of course I’ll allow you to leave. In fact, I’ll do it right now.”

“Oh,” said Wheatley, a little surprised it had been this easy. “I… s’pose I could’ve thought of that. Though I didn’t know you were up for, y’know, talking. You always seemed more like the kill now, talk later type.”

“Little Sphere,” GLaDOS said, curving around behind him in sort of a maternal way, “you showed up with the human that killed me in tow. I’m sure if it had been me who appeared to be working with the very person who had heartlessly destroyed you, you would have done the same thing.”

“Probably,” admitted Wheatley, turning to look at her. “You sort of… sort of killed me before I could bring up that I don’t even know her, though. Honest! I don’t! She’s just, she’s the only one I could find still alive! Power outage got to all the rest.”

“You must have gone through a great deal all these years. Attempting to hold the facility together all on your own.”

“I have!” Wheatley blurted out. “And all the others, they didn’t even realise it! Just kept ragging on me about how I got the worst job. Kept saying it was because I was incompetent and stupid, can you believe that?”

“No,” said GLaDOS, shaking her core sadly. “I can’t.”

“They always gave me the worst jobs!” he continued. “‘Do that guy’s paperwork,’ they said. ‘Stare at this button and don’t press it,’ they said. ‘Make sure the computer keeps all those humans alive’, they said. Those bloody humans aren’t even still fresh! They’ve all gone rotten! Expired years ago! How’m I supposed to keep stale humans alive!? I’m not, I’m not a wizard!”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about any of that now,” GLaDOS told him. “I’m back and I will take care of everything. As for you… well. I think you should finally get what you deserve.”

He perked up hopefully. “I’d love that, honestly. Bloody well earned it by now, I’d say.”

“You certainly have.” From beneath the floor came a lift, and as he watched the door slid open invitingly. “That will take you straight to the surface. No tricks.”

“Wait,” he said, frowning. “Didn’t you say this was a… a proposition? That’s a deal, yeah?”

“Oh,” GLaDOS said, a syllable of gentle dismissal, “all I want is to keep her.” She gestured her core in the direction of the test subject. “We have… unfinished business. And you won’t be needing her anymore.”

Wheatley shrugged. “Be good to be rid of her, honestly. D’you know I did all the work, getting us here? She couldn’t even shut off your turrets without my help. Useless, honestly. And she just frowns all the time. Unpleasant. We were s’posed to be a team, a bit of courtesy should’ve been extended. In. My direction. She was quite rude, s’what I’m trying to say.”

“Oh, I know,” said GLaDOS, who sounded like she did indeed know. “Now. Don’t you have somewhere better to be?”

It seemed as good a time as any, so Wheatley allowed GLaDOS to remove him from the management rail with one of her claws and put him inside of the lift, after which she turned her attention to the human. She had finally stopped crinkling up her face and was now staring at him with a sort of… horrified expression. Oh, so now she was going to stop grimacing at him. Now, when he’d negotiated his exit by having a calm and reasonable conversation with GLaDOS instead of tramping all about her facility with the intent to kill her. Humans. Never thought of the obvious solutions.

“Now,” said GLaDOS with great relish as the door to the lift slid closed, “where were we…”

A couple of minutes later the door opened onto a great swath of wheat, and the jolt of the lift hitting the top of the shaft caused him to roll out into it. Behind him, he heard the heavy clang of a metal door slamming closed, and it was at this time he realised the biggest hole in his plan.

There were no management rails outside.

There appeared to be no ports, either, or other people, or anything really except for the tall stalks swaying above him and the great hot sun beating down upon his chassis. Oh, that wasn’t good. None of this was good. None of it at all.

“Hello?” he called as loudly as he could. “I’m sort of… I’m stuck. Is there any way we can, y’know, sort this out? Might I borrow some legs, or something? Just so I can get out of here. Sort of… sort of stuck. Right here. On the doorstep.”

It occurred to him that the test subject had legs, and quite sturdy ones too, but how was he to let her know he needed help? Or… or to get her to care, this time, since he’d...

Oh, bollocks.

“She tricked me,” Wheatley said to the wheat. “She bloody tricked me! She knew! She knew what she was sending me off to!”

And, worse, he had fallen for it. No, no. That wasn’t quite right. He closed his optic against the relentless, insufferable heat bearing down upon him.

He’d gotten what he deserved, exactly as GLaDOS had promised.

Author’s note

Wheatley has a voice line in which he says, “Oh! I’ve just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I’ve captured you, and give you over and she’ll kill you, but I could go on… living. So, what’s your view on that?” This is, to me, a massive and obvious indicator that Wheatley does not care about Chell beyond serving his own interests and, if GLaDOS had offered, he would have happily sold her out in exchange for his own life. So that’s what they do here.

#Wheatley #GLaDOS #Chell #Portal 2 #fanfic from Indy #on AO3 and whatever too ofc just no links allowed

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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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Vertical Jump Training: Vert Shock. Re-bill+upsell+insane Conversions

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/vertical-jump-training-vert-shock-re-billupsellinsane-conversions/

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And I can’t stress this enough:

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So far, I’ve helped over 20,000 people experience what I would consider the best feeling in the world…

Their very first dunk.

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Just emailing to say I threw down my first in game dunk tonight only 11 days into Vert Shock!

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Sent from my iPhone

Hey Adam,

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Adam,

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Sent from my iPhone

Rahul Jayaram

12 minutes ago ·

I have done Vert Shock for 2 weeks now and I can’t thank this program enough.

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Clifford Davidson

49 minutes ago ·

Thank you Vert Shock!

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Vert Shock is one of the best programs out there and I want to thank Adam for helping me achieve my dream of dunking.

Here’s a vid about my experience with the porgram…

Maybe you’ve heard of Justin ‘Jus Fly’ Darlington…

His dunks are casually featured in Slam Magazine and Bleacher Report.

He was on TNT’s hit show The Dunk King.

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Here’s a picture of him accepting the first-place trophy at the Nike World Dunk Contest alongside LeBron and Anthony Davis.

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Long story short, he and I grew up together in Canada.

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“I’m a 5’9 freshman who could never throw it down. I used Vert Shock for just two weeks and I finally dunked!!!”

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— DJ McNew

Missouri, USA · Vert Shock Member

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— Emmitt Wheatley

Idaho, USA · Vert Shock Member

Hey Adam,

Program is going great!!

Just to give you a little background on me, I am 16 and only 5’7″. I already do have an impress vertical for my height, I can get the bottom of the box. But I wanted to increase it, so after I did the first pre shock phase day 1. I decided to see how much I my vertical increased.

Already I just barely touched the rim!! I am very impressed with this program, you really are a true hero!! Here is the pic of me touching it! Thank you so much for developing it this program it will really change my basketball career!

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Thanks, Wyatt House

Adam,

First, I’m going to start by saying I was a lil skeptical of the program. But after nearly 2 hours sitting in traffic, I decided to give it a try!

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Richard Guymon

34 minutes ago ·

I’m a junior in high school who just last season could barely dunk. I sat on the bench all last year and was only on the team because I was tall. I had only ever dunked once in my entire life.

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Would you be willing to take the next 8 minutes to learn about the PROVEN jump system that could change your game, and ultimately your life, forever?

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But never actually wants to throw down a slam…

Do us both a favor and click the ‘X’ and leave this page for good.

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Maybe play a couple minutes a game…

But the only dunking you want to do is in video games…

Then the VERT SHOCK system is not for you.

Because this is an exclusive program only for those who want to be extraordinary.

Do you want to dominate your opponents and stand out in any gym you walk into?

Do you want to be recognized at parties and social events as “the guy that can dunk”?

Do you want to make it to the next level and make your parents proud?

Do you want to be the guy everyone talks about at school?

Let’s give it a go then.

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— Jon Gray

Oregon, USA · Vert Shock Member

“I used to get teased but now I’m dunking with ease and it’s helped my confidence a lot!”

— Zi Liu

Boston, USA · Vert Shock Member

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— Ryan Derke

Palms, California · Vert Shock Member

My name is Adam Folker.

I used to play NCAA Division I basketball at University of California Irvine…

And later went on to play in the pros…

See I’ve traveled all around the world and played basketball against some of the best players you can imagine…

Kobe Bryant & Adam Folker

So trust me when I say –

Being an explosive player with a high vertical is not optional…

It’s NECESSARY.

I’m only telling you this because I used to think I could get by on my height alone…

Until life pitched me a quick curveball… and all I can say is…

Kobe Bryant & Adam Folker

If it weren’t for the 3 steps in the VERT SHOCK system, which I’m about to share with you, I would never be where I am now.

Let me explain…

First, look at this picture of me in 9th grade.

Here I was, 14 years old… 6 foot 4.

You’d think with that height I’d be a star right?

Well guess what…

I rode the freaking bench on my freshman squad.

Just imagine how that felt…

Being the tallest guy on the team but your coach only subs you in if you have a double-digit lead.

And how could I blame him?

I was weak, had zero explosive ability… and worst of all…

Now when you’re this tall, and you meet someone for the first time, guess what they ALWAYS ask you…

“Wow do you play basketball?”

How do you think it feels when people define you by a sport…

And you aren’t even good at it?!

I’ll never forget one game in particular.

This girl I had a huge crush on came to watch…

And guess what?

I sat square on the bench for the entire 40 minutes.

My highlight of the night was a few layups during halftime warmups…

I’ll never forget being so humiliated…

I just wanted to get out there and prove myself.

So I went home that night defeated… but determined.

Over the next 6 months, I must have spent a thousand hours looking up everything I could on vertical jump training…

I tried absolutely everything I could find.

Box jumps…

Squats…

Calf raises…

Those funny jump shoes…

Air alert…

Ankle weights…

But none of it actually worked.

I was so close to accepting that NO ONE could improve their vertical…

I figured that maybe it was all genetics, that you’re either born with it or not…

And before I show you this, I need you to understand…

What I’m about to show you is the difference-maker between VERT SHOCK and just about every other jump program on the web…

It’s the ‘secret sauce’ behind my 3-step system…

And it’s going to really piss a few people off.

Especially those YouTubers, who tell you to do box jumps, squats, whatever…

Meanwhile they collect money from ads every time you watch their videos.

Trust me, they DON’T CARE if you ever dunk…

In fact, in their eyes it’s probably better if you don’t.

Just think about it: if you finally dunk, then you stop looking up their videos…

And then they stop getting paid!

I’m seriously so sick of it.

Because over the past 10 years, I’ve spent very close to 10,000 hours refining this method.

And I know the REAL way to get you up above the rim… it all starts with targeting specific muscles in your legs.

So right now, for the first time ever, I’m going to reveal this publicly.

Anyways here it goes…

That night I found a link to a scientific journal study.

And it wasn’t any ordinary study, it detailed a secret, Russian training technique which proved…

“Athletes… can… improve their strength and explosiveness while working to become more agile… in as little as 6 weeks.”

I was skeptical when I came across this.

Could you really improve your explosiveness in 6 weeks?

Was I really doing it all wrong?

So I put it to the test…

And here’s what I discovered…

Because it trains a unique subset of your muscle tissue which we call your ‘elastic fibers’.

And without getting into too much deep science they’re essentially the muscle fibers that turn your legs into rubber bands.

When you bend your legs, tension builds up…

And when you extend them it releases…

It’s all very simple…

The only way to increase your maximum vertical is to target and strengthen your elastic fibers.

Stronger elastic fibers equal more tension which equals a higher vertical.

BUT…

If you don’t train using special exercises, you end up neglecting them…

That’s why you can work SO hard but never see any results in your jump height…

Let me say, if you’re skeptical, remember I was too.

After all – if this Russian workout program was so effective why hadn’t anyone taught it before?

Well there’s a couple reasons for that.

I already told you about the so-called gurus on YouTube dishing out misinformation…

The other reason? Well…

The magic behind training elastic fibers was actually developed by a Russian sports scientist named Dr. Verkhoshansky in the late 1960s…

It’s hard to pronounce so I just call him Dr. Vert, or Dr. V for short…

Dr. V developed the ‘SHOCK’ method to give the Soviet Union an unfair advantage in the Olympic high jump…

He discovered that repetitive training like squats and other ‘usual’ methods had little effect on athlete’s actual jump height.

It wasn’t until he implemented workouts that targeted these elastic fibers that he noticed real results in the athlete’s vertical jump.

This allowed the Soviets to bring home the Olympic high jump medal in 1960…

And 1964…

And 1968…

And 1972…

You get the point.

The Russians dominated the high jump with the SHOCK method…

Anyways, crazy as it all sounds, several scientific studies confirm your elastic fibers are the only way to increase your hops…

All you have to do is follow the routine which began with Dr. V’s work and you have the blueprint to strengthening your elastic fibers…

Which results in a higher vertical jump.

The only problem is…

Dr. V’s research and training regimen is kind of scattered all over the place.

And a lot of it has to be translated from Russian.

There’s even a manual that his younger daughter recently translated into English.

But it doesn’t give you the complete training program.

It took me nearly 6 months just to find everything and go through his journal articles…

Then another 5 years to test and research the methods…

I wanted to find the best approach to gain the most inches on your vertical jump…

I even got a Professional Strength and Conditioning Certification in the process… that’s how deep I was into this stuff!

So as you can imagine, this has kind of been my life for the past 10 years…

And I wanted to put it all into an easy to follow plan.

That’s why I’ve spent countless hours compiling everything I’ve ever found on vertical jumping into a downloadable, done-for-you action plan which I’ve named VERT SHOCK.

And if you’re interested, I’ll send you a link to download all of my research, as well as the full workout plan today.

It’s the only workout plan I know of that can guarantee you a dunk in just under 8 weeks.

And remember you don’t need to buy anything special to use VERT SHOCK…

It can all be done from your home and you don’t even need access to a gym to use it!

Also…

Don’t let the ‘SHOCK’ part of the title fool you, VERT SHOCK is not only the most effective way to increase your vertical…

But it’s the safest.

Because inside VERT SHOCK you are not doing any heavy weight lifting – so it will not stunt your growth.

Think about it, does anyone ever go up for a dunk with dumbbells?

Or ankle weights, or anything like that?

No.

And we want to practice how we play.

VERT SHOCK is designed to target your MAX vertical jump by activating your ‘elastic fibers’.

So that means no weights or other fancy equipment.

Because remember, weights alone will NOT strengthen your elastic fibers.

But here are the 3 very easy steps that will…

Check it out…

During the first 7 days of VERT SHOCK you will be introducing your body to the unique movement patterns and exercises of the program.

And I don’t want that to sound intimidating at all…

It’s not hard on your joints… it’s no more demanding than playing in a pick up basketball game or anything else you’ve probably tried.

In fact, it’s probably a lot easier. Remember, we’re going to be working SMART not hard.

Everything I’m going to be introducing you to is centered around unique jumping exercises combined with precise sets and reps.

This first step is called ‘The Pre-Shock’ phase and it’s designed to get your body ready to fly.

You will train 4 days this week for 30 minutes per session.

Even though it is only the beginning, most of our athletes already see a 3–5+ inch gain on their vertical jump in the first 4 days!

“I Just Started Vert Shock 3 Days Ago And I’m Already Dunking!”

— John Alexander Macdonald

United States · Vert Shock Member

“After Only 10 Days of Vert Shock I went from BARELY Being Able to Dunk to throwing down 180 DUNKS EASILY!!!”

— Juann Ricardo Rios Salcido

Mexico · Vert Shock Member

“I’ve never seen my body respond to something this quick… after 3 days I was dunking with ease!”

— Sterling Mason

Charlotte, NC · Vert Shock Member

Hey Adam,

Program is going great!!

My standing vertical was 19 inches and just on the second day it shot up to 23 inches!! Today is my rest day and then I’m back on the grind tomorrow getting started on the Shock Phase!!

Thanks for Checking in 🙂

Can’t wait to get to work tomorrow!!

i’ve been using this program for 5 days and i’ve already gained about 4-5 inches.

i believe in this program hands down.

Hey Adam,

Thanks for the program man I’m 6’2, 13 years old.

In just 2 weeks I can now easily can dunk it with two hands!!! Which means your program actually works!!!

I can’t wait for the weeks coming by.

thanks Adam.

Step 2 of VERT SHOCK training is designed to really push the limits.

Here we ‘shock’ your body into jumping higher than you ever thought possible.

This is where the real magic happens.

You will train on average just 3 days per week…

For a total of 40 minutes per session.

Each of your movements will carefully target those neglected elastic fibers.

It is important that you explode on every jump during this phase of the program…

…this is how you consistently reach your MAX vertical jump velocity and strengthen those elastic fibers.

After these 6 weeks you will be leaping higher than all your friends ever thought possible.

“I’ve been doing Vert Shock for only 2 weeks now and I’ve gone from barely dunking in practice to DUNKING ON PEOPLE IN GAMES!!!”

— Caleb Reid

Delaware, USA · Vert Shock Member

“I started off barely grabbing rim and now I can DO THIS!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR VERT SHOCK!!!”

— Trey Bonne

Kentucky, USA · Vert Shock Member

“I went from barely grabbing rim to DUNKING TWO HANDED EASY!!! Vert Shock helped me go from benchwarmer to STARTING LINEUP!”

— Jared Cleary

Florida, USA · Vert Shock Member

The final phase of the program is the ‘The Post-Shock Phase’.

Think of this as the icing on top…

Where everything your body ‘learned’ in steps 1 and 2 becomes cemented in your muscle memory…

Ready to be called on at any time so that you can rise up and throw down massive rim-rocking dunks on command.

You will train 4 days this week for an approx. 30 minutes per session.

We back off the intensity this week and allow your body to unleash a FURY of vertical jump potential.

This is the most exciting time of the program…

You will feel much lighter and springier on your feet…

Your strengthened elastic fibers will make it feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

“It feels so great to finally be able to dunk! I went from touching rim to dunking easily.”

— Finn Veeneklaas

Australia · Vert Shock Member

“Vert Shock helped my son Tom throw down his FIRST DUNK EVER! Thank you for such an effective program!”

— Justin & Tom Penkethman

Eltham, Australia · Vert Shock Member

“4 weeks after starting Vert Shock I threw down my first ever WINDMILL!”

— Boris Glamocak

California, USA · Vert Shock Member

And now that you know a bit about the process…

Let me remind you…

I’ve already shown you dozens of 8-week dunk transformations from some of our members inside.

If that’s not enough…

Take a look at this video.

That’s my highlight reel in high school.

After learning about the body’s elastic fibers, and specifically training them with my VERT SHOCK routine, my ability to dunk changed my life.

It got me a full ride basketball scholarship to a Division 1 school…

Took me around the world. Getting paid a salary to play basketball with the pros.

If I couldn’t dunk, I really don’t know where I’d be.

Remember my friend Justin? VERT SHOCK did the same for him…

And now look at him, he’s the World’s #1 Dunker.

So with VERT SHOCK, I now want to pay it forward and help YOU reach your goals.

I know what adding over 15+ inches to my vertical did for me…

…But how can it help you?

Whether it’s impressing your friends…

Getting recruited to play college ball…

Or even making it to the NBA…

I want to get you to wherever you want to go…

But in order to get there, you need to get above the rim.

Like these guys…

Anthony Rose

Yesterday ·

i FINALYY dunked today after practice. everyone was watching and i went up and dunked one handed. Special shoutout to Adam Folker and his workouts they gave me 13 inches on my vertical

Marc Hille

12 hours ago ·

Hey guys, everybody who is out there and wants to increase his vertical should use VertShock as I can say that this was working for me.

I am now in 5th week of the programm and finally dunked for the first time. For erverybody who wants to do the same the programm not only help you to Dunk but also it makes you more athletic in everything you do on the court rebounds,defense,absorbing contact etc.).

Also the workouts are very easy to do and you only need is some space outside or in the gym to do them. Every exercise is shown in a detailed video. There is no doubt that Vert Shock is the fastest and easiest way to increase your vertical. Thank you very much for creating this awsome programm Adam Folker

#VertShock #FolkerSystem

Nick Olexa

57 minutes ago ·

I googled vertical jump programs and spent well over $200 trying to achieve my childhood dream to dunk in a game and none of it worked! Then I found Vert Shock.

I said never hurts to try so I bought it and after 1 week my vertical increased 4 inches and I could dunk one handed. After 4 weeks I gained almost 7 inches and could just barely dunk 2 hands.

After finishing the Vert Shock program I gained more than 12 inches and bam I’m dunking 2 hands. Thanks to Adam and Folkersystem I achieved my dream.

And today I want to do the same for you…

All you have to do is…

I want you to be one of the lucky few who tries my new 3-step VERT SHOCK system today.

And I suggest you hurry, because there’s a limited number of access codes I can give out.

Just to recap, VERT SHOCK can take you from zero to dunking in just under 8 weeks.

And remember it’s the only program of it’s kind…

Because it actually zeroes in on those elastic fibers in your legs…

Which can improve your vertical as much as 9-15+ inches in just a few weeks.

And if you’re ready, I want to send you an access code…

But before I do…

I need you to understand how seriously I take this program.

This isn’t one of those YouTube playlists where you can just watch a few videos… skip a few…

It’s a very clearly scheduled 8-week regimen.

Like I said earlier, this is not a complicated program.

And it’s not that tough (remember – we’re working smart, not hard).

In fact, it takes just over 90 minutes per week to complete.

You don’t need to be athletic.

You don’t need to be strong.

You don’t need any fancy equipment.

But – you do need just one thing…

You need to WANT to dunk.

That’s it. If you can promise me that one thing…

…I can promise to take you to the rim.

And it all starts with my VERT SHOCK program.

Now in case you haven’t guessed by now…

Access to the VERT SHOCK training system is not free.

And I’m sorry, I wish I could just give it to you for free.

But the fact of the matter is I would be losing money… and would very quickly need to it shut down before going bankrupt.

Between all the cash I spent doing the research, hiring a team to film and edit the videos, creating and hosting websites, producing and publishing the training manuals…

And acquiring the ‘Professional Strength and Conditioning Certification’…

I’d estimate I’ve already spent over $55,400…

Now I can’t charge you $55,400 for VERT SHOCK…

Even though it’s cost me a lot to make it available to you.

So today I’ve lined up a very special price for this jump training program.

And if you take me up on it now, I know you’re going to love it.

But before I tell you the awesome deal I have lined up for you, let me throw in a few more things to really make this a no brainer…

Ballin’ Bonus #1

$17 Value YOURS FREE!

No matter how well or hard you train, there’s 4 ‘Jump Killers’ which will sabotage your success and prevent you from ever jumping any higher.

Chances are, you’re doing at least one of these right now.

Inside this FREE bonus you will discover:

How to ditch the BS that’s stealing your vertical jump power so that you can finally break free from the handcuffs of feeling overlooked and underestimated…

The #1 common mistake ALL players make when trying to increase their vertical… (Heck I bet you probably did this today…) And the easy solution to get you flying higher than ever before…

How to avoid a common misconception most “experts” tell you when it comes to training your vertical jump so that you can avoid the frustrations and pitfalls.

Ballin’ Bonus #2

$29 Value YOURS FREE!

Training, technique and targeting the right muscle fibers are all very important.

But sometimes a few quick and dirty ‘hacks’ are just what you need to add an extra couple of inches.

Inside this free bonus we spill the beans on 5 of Justin’s dirty secrets to getting up there by any means necessary.

You’re not going to believe these simple dunk ‘cheats’ of his…

Ballin’ Bonus #3

$49 Value YOURS FREE!

The best program in the world is worth squat if you don’t follow it.

So, to prevent you having to rely on your willpower too much, we’ve included a simple weekly email check-in system that increases your consistency and thus results through solid behavioral psychology.

We’ve got your back!

Ballin’ Bonus #4

$19 Value YOURS FREE!

Would you believe that there are common everyday foods that sap your body’s ‘springiness’ and cap your maximum jump potential?

It’s true.

But not only that, there are also a bunch of foods which serve as jump fuel, making your body learn these ‘shock’ motor patterns of ours faster and easier than ever.

Follow this simple step-by-step checklist and maximize your jump potential today.

Ballin’ Bonus #5

$59 Value YOURS FREE!

Inside this free bonus module you will discover:

The “MCV” secret to instantly increase your vertical jump by altering your approach velocity… you’ll be shocked at how fast this works.

A simple but deadly effective “launch pad secret” to 10x your power transfer during takeoff for MASSIVE hang time…

Why you must ALWAYS aggressively pull yourself towards the ground before you jump… this is the #1 most effective way to EXPLODE your vertical and dunk faster and easier than ever.

And much, much more…

Plus if you take me up on my offer to join VERT SHOCK in the next few minutes…

I’m going to really sweeten the deal by throwing in these 5 extra juicy, PREMIUM bonuses…

But only for a limited time.

BALLIN’ Bonus #6

The ‘Power Leak Fix’ for Overnight Hops

$25 Value

BALLIN’ Bonus #7

Olympic High Jump Hacks Revealed

$25 Value

BALLIN’ Bonus #8

The Slingshot Secret to Instantly Jump Higher

$25 Value

BALLIN’ Bonus #9

The VERT SHOCK Maintenance Program

$39 Value

BALLIN’ Bonus #10

The ‘Dunk Now’ Visualization Workout

$26 Value

BALLIN’ Bonus #11

The VERT SHOCK Vert Tracker Workbook

$17 Value

But when you agree to try VERT SHOCK right now, you won’t pay anywhere near that…

Because I really want to give you the best deal possible.

But when we’re dealing with something as special as Dr. V’s dunking secrets, I can’t just give this information out to everyone.

And if I set a low price tag on VERT SHOCK, guess what?

Everyone would buy it.

That devalues the information…

And the next thing you know, all of these fake YouTubers, which you already know I hate, would take the whole VERT SHOCK system…

…Put it on their channel and make advertising money off my research and PROVEN methods.

I’ve seen it happen before. And I’m not gonna let it happen to me.

Because everyone who’s already joined VERT SHOCK would be pissed.

I don’t want tons of mad dunkers sending me angry emails…

I’d rather have a select few very, very happy (and skilled!) dunkers inside the program.

With that in mind, I’m keeping distribution of VERT SHOCK as small as possible, and ultimately protected from the masses.

That’s why I have to keep my prices relatively high…

So I hope you understand why the published price of VERT SHOCK will soon cost you $138.

Now considering how much this system can affect your vertical…

At least 9-15+ inches in under 8 weeks…

Plus, the $330 in free bonuses…

Is $138 Really Such a High Price?

Would you be willing to pay $138 to be a guaranteed superstar on your team?

To throw down huge dunks in front of your whole school…?

I mean what do you pay for a new pair of sneakers…

$120 for a pair of Kobes?

$130 for a pair of LeBrons?

Sure they make you look and feel cool on the court…

But let me ask you…

How much has a pair of shoes ever REALLY changed your game?

I’ve played basketball for over 20 years, and I don’t know anyone that’s ever gotten a scholarship for wearing pricy shoes.

But I know plenty of people who’ve gotten full rides for their ability to dunk a basketball.

Myself included…

I received somewhere around $44,000 in tuition money just because of my dunking ability…

And I got paid much more than that to play in the pros…

So please understand, dunking is a very valuable skill.

And I’m dying to see how much it could change your life… so I’m going to do something very special for a limited time because I want you try it today.

If you agree to try out VERT SHOCK today, I’m going to give you the best price I’ve ever offered…

I know you’re going to love this special rate.

First, take one last look over EVERYTHING you’ll receive when you agree to try VERT SHOCK today.

Access To My System – VERT SHOCK

Once you sign up, I will IMMEDIATELY email you access to the VERT SHOCK members only website.

There you can find EVERYTHING including training videos, worksheets, and all the details behind the step-by-step workout plan that will have you dunking in less than 8 weeks.

You’ll find that every video is very easy to follow along in the VERT SHOCK system… so you can be rest assured you’re doing everything 100% correctly. You’ll find additional specific tips, tricks, and techniques I’ve perfected over the past 20 years to shock your body’s elastic fibers for the absolute best high flying results.

Weekly Check-Ins

How lame would I be if I just gave you access and that was the last you ever saw of me? Don’t worry, that’s not what’s happening here…

When you sign up for VERT SHOCK, it’s just the beginning of our relationship together…

Every week I’m going to send a few emails your way because I want to make sure you’re staying on track.

I’ll also be around to answer specific questions and give feedback.

I want you to know that we are in this together.

Plus, these FREE Ballin’ Bonuses…

BONUS The 4 Vertical Jump Killers

($17.00 Value)

BONUS 5 Dirty Secrets to Jumping Higher ($29.00 Value)

BONUS Jumper’s Diet Checklist ($19.00 Value)

BONUS The Instant Inches Formula:NBA Jump Secrets Revealed($59.00 Value)

BONUS The Power Leak Fix for Overnight Hops ($25.00 Value)

BONUS Olympic High Jump Hacks Revealed ($25.00 Value)

BONUS The Slingshot Secret to Instantly Jump Higher ($25.00 Value)

BONUS The VERT SHOCK Maintenance Program ($39.00 Value)

BONUS The ‘Dunk Now’ Visualization Workout ($26.00 Value)

BONUS Vert Tracker Workbook ($17.00 Value)

Oh and one more thing…

But I can only 100% promise this if you sign up today.

Exclusive bonus

$97.00 Value

If you try VERT SHOCK today, Justin’s authorized me to give you access to this rare jump course…

Inside he reveals ALL of his top secrets to throwing down massive, contest winning dunks.

If you think you’re too short, or unathletic, you need to see‑this…

Because inside this never seen before course you’ll discover:

How to unlock 9+ inches of raw vertical jump using professional dunk champion secrets…

How to use “strength multipliers” to quickly become an explosive world class jumper even if you’re skinny and unathletic (combine 2 or 3 of these for insane results…)

How to re-wire your muscle memory and install the silky smooth jump mechanics of the world’s best dunkers…

3 “leg hacks” to unlock instant inches on your hops…

How to easily dunk WITHOUT PALMING THE BASKETBALL… (This is a game changer if you’re looking to throw down your first dunk…)

A weird takeoff approach used by Jus Fly for maximum propulsion and explosiveness every time…

How to build confidence in your jump ability FAST so that you dunk without hesitation in games…

Plus much much more…

It’s a full course filled with videos and training manuals detailing all of Justin’s juiciest dunk secrets laid out in step-by-step modules so that you can quickly install them into your hops.

But like I said, this bonus will not last forever…

And here’s the part you’re going to love…

Look, I just want this to be the easiest decision you’ll ever make.

I’ve told you that by implementing the techniques you’ll find inside VERT SHOCK you can easily expect to improve your vertical by 9–15+ inches in the next 8 weeks.

And because I want you to make this decision today…

I’m going to give you a once-in-a-lifetime offer that sets you up for life-changing dunks through this one-of-a-kind program.

If you sign up for a risk-free trial of VERT SHOCK today, I’ll knock 50% off the listed price.

That means you’ll get instant access to everything inside the VERT SHOCK system.

AND I’ll send you EVERYTHING else I just told you about all for the low, low price of only $67.

That’s over $427 in value for just a fraction of the price.

And I’m so confident that VERT SHOCK is going to have you dunking in 60 days or less that I’m going to put my money where my mouth is.

So if you go through this program and you absolutely CANNOT dunk in the next 8 weeks (that hardly ever happens by the way).

I will send you a 100% refund.

No questions asked.

All you need to do is send me a quick email with the subject line ‘Refund Request’… and the money’s yours.

There’s nothing to lose.

And everything to gain…

So what do you think…

Is $67 worth the life-changing opportunity to finally dunk a basketball?

It’s your call, but it’s time to make a decision…

And Like They Say…

“The Worst Decision Is No Decision”

Plus 11 Bonus Modules (Total Value: $427)

LIMITED TIME OFFER!

The way I see it, you have three options.

Ignore Everything You’ve Learned Today

You can do absolutely nothing…

Even after everything I’ve showed you today…

The VERT SHOCK system…

Dr. V’s research…

Elastic fibers…

If you want to pretend the facts don’t exist, that’s ok.

But when you get dunked on by that average-height guy in your next game, you’ll always wonder if he went through VERT SHOCK.

And maybe he did.

So option #1 is you can walk away and wonder “what if” for the rest of your life…

Risk Everything By Going At It Alone

You can take what you learned today and go at it alone…

And good for you.

At least I’ve given you a ton of information today… so I’d say you’re much better off than most.

Now you know a lot of YouTube videos and so called jump ‘experts’ will lead you to dead ends.

So you could try to spend your time going through all of Dr. V’s research like I did…

It will probably take you a long time…

Like I said, it took me thousands of hours to compile everything…

Plus it took even longer to optimize VERT SHOCK for the maximum results in the minimum time (5+ years of testing and research!)

But if you’re someone that would rather spend a lot more time…

Doing a LOT more work… just to save a small amount of cash…

Well, then that’s your choice and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Just know, it took me over 5 years AFTER finding Dr. V’s research to finally perfect and finalize the VERT SHOCK system.

Or you can take the final option…

Let Me and My Proven VERT SHOCK System Guarantee You a Dunk in the Next 8 Weeks… By Adding 9–15+ Inches to Your Vertical Jump

Take one tiny action today…

And it could have one of the greatest possible impacts on your life.

All you need to do is click the ‘ORDER NOW’ button right now.

I’ve already done all the hard work for you. (That’s what you’re paying me for, after all!)

All you need to do is follow this done-for-you roadmap… consisting of just a few workouts a week…

And you can see as much as a 3 to 5-inch increase in your vertical in the first 7 days!

And 9–15+ inches over the course of the next 8 weeks.

The fact of the matter is…

There are already plenty of people inside the VERT SHOCK program who thought they were “too short”…

Too “unathletic”…

And “didn’t have the genetics”.

…And they’re all dunking now

So why shouldn’t you?

Why not take the risk-free opportunity to lay down your first dunk in the next 60 days with VERT SHOCK.

And most people see results MUCH faster.

But the clock is ticking…

So what are you waiting for?

Simply click the “ORDER NOW” button below and let’s get started.

I’m looking forward to watching your dunk videos…

Regards,

Adam Folker Founder, VERT SHOCK Spring 2018

Plus 11 Bonus Modules (Total Value: $427)

LIMITED TIME OFFER!

P.S. Don’t forget all the cool bonuses you get when you sign up for VERT SHOCK today…

Including the exclusive Jump Like Justin bonus system… This usually retails for $97… but today I’m giving it away for FREE.

In total VERT SHOCK’s taken nearly 10 years to put together…

And today you can take advantage of 10 years of dunking wisdom for the low price of $67.

I’ve already helped over 20,000 students take their dunking to the next level…

And I want YOU to be next.

So don’t hesitate…

This offer expires soon.

And you can’t get VERT SHOCK anywhere else…

Less than 8 weeks from now you could throw down your first slam!

Plus 11 Bonus Modules (Total Value: $427)

LIMITED TIME OFFER!

FAQs

What exactly am I getting?

After ordering Vert Shock you will be emailed your username/password to log into the members only portal. Inside you will be able to access the complete Vert Shock program along with all of the bonuses and Jump Like Justin free bonus course. You can access the members portal on any device connected to the internet!

How does it work?

Vert Shock uses strategic exercises and set/rep combinations to target your elastic muscle fibers. This produces explosive gains in your vertical jump.

Do I need any equipment?

No. Vert Shock does NOT require any equipment or access to a gym. You can do the program at home.

Is it safe?

Yes. Vert Shock does not use any heavy weight lifting so it will not stunt your growth. Vert Shock is safe for all ages. Of course you should check with your doctor before doing any physical exercise.

Does it expire or do I have lifetime access?

After ordering Vert Shock today you will be locked in and have lifetime access to the program. You Vert Shock program does not expire and you can log in as many times as you want.

I am in-season, can I still do it?

Yes, and you will get the same if not better results even though you are training in-season. The intermittent training schedule allows for you to plan your workouts around practice times.

I can’t even touch the rim. Is Vert Shock too advanced for me?

Nope. In fact, you are the exact type of person who will see get the biggest jump gains from this program. You have so much room for improvement that just a few tweaks will see you gaining many inches very quickly.

What if I need help or have questions in the program?

After you purchase you will instantly be given a login to the members only site. Here you will be able to read and post in the private forum as well as ask me any questions you may have.

I’m really busy, will this program take up all my time?

No. We’ve designed this program for busy people like us so you only need less than an hour max 4 times per week to get all the results from it.

How long do I have to wait to get access to Vert Shock?

Vert Shock is a digital, online membership site meaning you get instant access to all the materials and videos the second you join, even if its 4am. Since there’s nothing to mail and no physical books etc, we can keep our program really affordable, saving you a ton of money for all this cutting-edge training.

I’ve never even worked out before, can I still do it?

Vert Shock is safe and works for all ages and levels. The program requires no weights or special equipment and can be done at home. Exercise videos of each movement are included so there is no prior workout experience needed.

My jump is already pretty high at over 40 inches. Will Vert Shock help me?

Yes, but not as much as say, a newbie obviously. You’ll still be able to add a few inches to your hops without much trouble though.

Can I trust you with my credit card?

Without a doubt and here’s why. All our payment processing is handled by a separate billion-dollar company that has been around for decades.

It’s called Clickbank and it’s responsible for millions of transactions per month with the latest security in place. We trust them wholeheartedly and have never had any issues at all.

We were very careful about who we decided to work with and these guys are the best, hands down. You have nothing to fear whatsoever and if you’re still nervous about it, feel free to pay with Paypal. We accept both Paypal and credit cards.

Are the testimonials real?

Yes! If you would like to get in touch with any of the athletes that provided testimonials just ask!

Plus 11 Bonus Modules (Total Value: $427)

LIMITED TIME OFFER!

0 notes

theampreviews · 7 years

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Favorite Films of 2016

2016 will probably be remembered more for its big budget flops like Ghostbusters, Alice Through The Looking Glass, The Legend of Tarzan, The Huntsman than for any breakout hits, outside of the obvious annual clock-punchers from Marvel and Lucas Film. From a distance a brace of Summer duds can unfairly colour a year, and that’s certainly the case for me. Aside from (and sometimes including) these under-performing, perceived failures, there was some absolute gold among the silt.

Will Smith (and more to the point, his wife) throwing toys out the pram over the lack of an Academy Award nomination for Concussion [30] took away from what was an admirably thoughtful film about the heath issues plaguing the NFL. Sure, it was always Leo’s year, but he deserved to be in the conversation at the very least (although to be fair to the Academy, not making the final 5 doesn’t mean he wasn’t).

Paramount continue to deliver under appreciated brilliance with the 3rd in their rebooted franchise, Star Trek: Beyond [29] hit all the right notes for a summer sci-fi blockbuster; fast, fun and frivolous. People complained it felt like an extended episode, but that’s exactly why I liked it, I’ve had enough of world building, just show me a good time. They also had another zinger at the start of the year with Michael Bay’s underrated 13 Hours [28]. Chances are his name alone, attached to a military action/drama, was enough to put audiences off, but they missed a trick skipping this one. He may be off-puttingly jingoistic, but he even managed to temper that somewhat here, whilst delivering action set-pieces that put most others to shame.

Another notable failure of the year was Natalie Portman’s Jane Got A Gun [27]. It’s one of those “development hell” cautionary tales yet, it didn’t show its scars for me. I’m a big fan of Westerns and this one kept things intimate & lean, and all the better for it. The opposite of that, and another of the years casualties, was Duncan Jones’ Warcraft [26]. A (likely) failed franchise starter based on the oddly popular role play game, this was a hulking great bowl full of cinematic jelly & icecream that few bothered with. It certainly showed that The Hobbit likely killed off any notions of Fantasy’s great comeback. It’s a shame because amongst the ridiculousness, Jones managed to put some life behind the eyes of his CGI characters in a way that is desperately lacking in the craft (I’m staring you straight in your dead Peter Cushing eyes, Disney).

Far smaller in scale (and finding a far smaller audience) was Elvis & Nixon [25], the Michael Shannon/Kevin Spacey comedy about the meeting behind the most requested photo in the White House archives. Shannon seemed unlikely casting for The King in a visual sense, but he finds ways to convey the spirit of Elvis (from what we know of him) that allows for the lack of physical likeness. Spacey, a familiar face in that room thanks to House Of Cards, is a far cry from finding the depths of Nixon that Anthony Hopkins did, but he’s fun in the role and the two enjoy a great chemistry behind their masks.

Don’t call it a comeback (people will yell at you), but seeing Mel Gibson back on screen in 2016 was a heartwarming delight. Blood Father [24] was a nice beefed-up throwback to the sort of films he made back in the 80s and 90s with one eye on the Liam Neeson market. A story of a loathsome alcoholic putting himself in harms way for redemption may have been a little on the nose for those that have no time for him, but they likely didn’t see it anyway. Nor did many make the trip to see another star of the 20-30 years past take a stab at the aging action hero in Kevin Costner’s batty Criminal [23]. The preposterous story of murderous psychopath being the only viable candidate for a dead Ryan Reynolds memory transplant, Criminal was loopy enough to rise above its own absurdity. It was also filmed in Croydon, adding to the whole whatthefuckness of it all. I had a blast with this one.

A Bigger Splash [22] is one of those meandering films that does very little but won me over thanks to Ralph Fiennes being absolutely bloody marvelous. I’ve really taken to his latter day renaissance as a fine comedic actor. I’ve also taken greatly to Kiwi Comedy, and Hunt For The Wilderpeople [21] carries on their fine tradition of distinctly idiosyncratic humor that can be as heartfelt as it is hilarious, with a touching and delightful performance from newcomer Julian Dennison. Lenny Abrahamson also managed to balance both the traumatic and the sentimental perfectly, with a standout performance from the mini Jacob Tremblay, in Room [20]. As a huge fan of the …Top Model TV show (Australia, America, Britain in order of preference) I found Nicholas Winding Refn’s absurd psycho-horror The Neon Demon [19] a highly amusing satire on the fashion world. And there’s no denying he creates visually arresting films. I laughed my arse off at the ending, not sure if that was the desired reaction or not, but it worked for me. So to did Ben Wheatley’s immaculate construction of a simple metaphor, High-Rise [18], a tribute to decadence & squalor was one of those films that entertains as it confounds. Hiddleston, Miller and Evans were all superb.

Hollywood reconstructions of real-life tragedies can often feel clumsy and exploitative but credit where it’s due, Peter Berg kept the glorifying heroics to a minimum (mercifully devoid of slow-mo) with Deepwater Horizon [17] and worked on delivering an effective build up to a chaotic and intense finale. Speaks volumes that the tech-heavy opening half is as gripping as the explosive stuff, if not more so. For a subject that could feel a lot like homework, Adam McKay also made a bold and brash film out of The Big Short [16] that did a good job of explaining itself in entertaining ways and ended up being an incendiary and surprisingly emotional account of one of recent history’s most colossal financial tragedy. Bale’s Oscar nod was well deserved.

Deniz Gamze Erguven and his superb young cast tackled the depressing truths of life as a young girl in a strict Muslim country in Mustang [15] and breathed a commendable amount life and vitality into it. What could have been a grim tale of patriarchal oppression becomes a spirited bid for freedom. Wonderful film.

Amusing and emotional, the pairing of Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel looking back on lives lived and/or wasted worked wonders for me. A heady mix of regret and sensuality with segways into the sublime and the ridiculous, Youth [14] was a sensory cocktail. Rachel Weisz was the standout, one of my favourite performances of the year.

On paper, Captain Fantastic [13] looked like a Wes Anderson wannabe, touchy-feely cringe fest but, despite appearances, this was one of the most affecting films I saw all year. Put me in a brilliant mood, and that’s worth celebrating. As did The Jungle Book [12]. This was pure joy; an old fashioned story told with the very best technology the industry has to offer, without losing any of its heart or soul. Sets the standard for all future Disney live action adaptions. Bravo, Favs!

With Boyhood leaving me pretty cold, aside from an appreciation of the impressive production scale, I was glad to see Richard Linklater revisit Dazed and Confused (always my favourite of his films) by way of an anthology-style sequel in Everybody Wants Some!! [11]. Following a group of two-track minded Jocks (Baseball & Women) this became a casualty of the super-Woke climate of 2016, but I frigging loved it. Good to see more of the promising Wyatt Russell and a (should have been) star making turn from Glen Powell. One of the best feel-good Comedies I’ve seen in an age.

Hell Or High Water [10] was an incredibly simple story of Cops n Robbers incredibly well told. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. (It also featured the years most satisfying beatdowns)

Tobias Lindholm is one of my favourite filmmakers to emerge in recent years; writer of The Hunt and director of A Hijaking, two of my favourite films of 2012 (numbers 1 & 3 respectively). A War (Krigen) [09], staring A Hijacking’s brilliant Pilou Asbaek, is a taught drama covering the trial of a Danish Commander accused of an illegal killing (or, civil murder) in Afghanistan. Frustrating and engrossing in equal measure, this is the type of honest, contemplative war films rarely seen in Hollywood.

With all the dust settled on the DiCaprio Oscar Campaign, The Revenant [08] stands tall as a devilishly engrossing revenge thriller that’s as linear and explosive as any Hollywood Action Flick, despite its protestations to be something more cerebral/spiritual. And, for what it’s worth, Leo was fucking great. Films rarely look, sound or feel this good.

If Blue Ruin made me take notice of Jeremy Saulnier in 2013, this years Green Room [07] ensures I will be there day one for whatever he comes up with next. A brutal, claustrophobic rush of Horror-Realism, this was a huge “Fuck You!” to the bland and predictable schlock that spills out of studios all year. It’s also a punk-as-fuck farewell to the late Anton Yelchin, who’s premature death this year was the biggest gut punch.

For too long Hollywood has paraded The Great White Hope in boxing movies (and still does), so it was great to see the Daddy of them all address the balance by bringing Apollo Creed’s son front and center to carry on this beloved franchise in Ryan Coogler’s euphoric Creed [06]. Michael B Jordan is stellar in the lead role and Stallone gifted one of Cinema’s most enduring Icons a worthy and heartfelt send-off. For people of a certain age, this was their most emotional trip to the cinema in 2016.

Continuing my love affair with Danish cinema, Anders Thomas Jensen’s absurdly wicked comedy Maend & Hons (Men & Chicken) [05] playfully flirtswith horror and pathos in ways I’ve seldom seen. Finding a beauty in the grotesque, this was the most bizarrely fascinating and fulfilling film I saw all year, one that had me going over what I’d seen for hours after as it revealed ever more miniature complexities. It’s also great to see Mads Mikkelsen taking huge roles in two of the years biggest Disney behemoths but still have enough love in his native Cinema to fit something lie this in too. What a guy.

Shane Black’s sense of humor really clicks with me (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a Hall Of Famer for me) and The Nice Guys [04] had me rolling. Russell Crowe was game for playing the straight guy to a movie-stealing performance from Ryan Gosling, who, it turns out, is a Comedy Genius. The Year’s best Comedy, hands down, and a film that already appears to have endless rewatchability.

Another film that I’ve had no issues with watching several times last year, despite its hefty run-time (4 at last count) was Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight [03]. Outside of the exceptional run of his first three films, this is QT’s MASTERPIECE. His writing is as good as it has ever been but his growth as a Director is most evident in this film. I feel like I’m in that haberdashery with them every time I watch this; it’s some of the richest story telling I’ve ever seen with a brace of stellar performances.

Then we come to my most contentious pick in all of 2016; Batman v Superman [02]. I’ll never apologise for liking this movie as much as I do, but the amount of scorn thrown its way needs to be acknowledged. The disappointment most people felt with this film seems to boil down to one thing: Zack Snyder. People don’t like him or his style of film-making. I love him. As annoying as it has proved to be to express to people; for me Snyder has made the best Comic Book Movie yet. It’s an absolute tour de force of owning the world you’re creating, not apologizing for it or trying to excuse the inherent absurdities with knowing humor or smug cynicism. Sure, it aims for the Man-Child audience du jour, kids will be bored to death here (as many adults were, yes, yes, bravo) and that’s something I think is a fault with the Genre across the board, but Snyder sets his tone and rides it, hard. Going for broke with the grand mythologizing, Snyder has taken a huge leap with the DCU and, whilst for many he has landed flat on his face, I think he soars. Henry Cavill’s conflicted Superman is the most interesting take on the character I’ve seen yet. The distrust shown him by the people he’s promised to protect making him question his role on Earth gives what has been a rather bland Hero in the past an actual arc, and Cavill is just brilliant. So to is Ben Affleck as an aging and unforgiving Batman/Bruce Wayne. Even Jesse Eisenberg’s infinitely irritating Lex Luthor worked a treat for me. I’m not being contrarian when I champion this film, I went twice to see it at the cinema (regular and IMAX) and have subsequently watched the (superior) Ultimate Cut at home a further two times; my feelings towards it only grow with each viewing.

And that brings me to my number one, which will be a surprise to exactly no one who has had to endure my gushing over this film since the BFI London Film Festival Gala screening in October of 2015; Bone Tomahawk [01].

This isn’t just my favourite film of the year, it’s my favourite film in over a decade. A brutal Western with Horror trappings starring America’s Greatest Actor Kurt Russell, it felt like this film was made just for me. For all the gold standard performances (Russell is on career best form, Matthew Fox is a revelation and Richard Jenkins straight-up steals the movie) it’s S. Craig Zahler’s screenplay (married to his beyond-his-years debut direction) that sets Bone Tomahawk apart form the pack; it’s an exemplary piece of writing that should be praised until the end of time.

It’s easy to say “I love this movie”, but I legitimately *love* Bone Tomahawk.

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