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pan-fangirl-345 · 3 years

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Did Fate Screw Us?

Summary: Everyone has a Soul Mark. Yours just happens to make you miserable. Your brother, Ken, tries to make it better, but between work and having to care for your siblings, telling Tooru Oikawa that you’re his soulmate really isn’t on your agenda.

TW: Mentions of animal abuse, child neglect, there’s some swearing, a little bit of angst.

A/N: This was supposed to be a cute little one-shot, but it’s over five thousand words and there’s some angst, but it has a happy ending I swear!

You stared down at the tattoo that wove it's way up your arm, the turquoise and white and a strange shade of brown all interwoven and twisted together, coming to a stop right above your heart in a ball of tangled colors.

It was your Soul Mark, a permanent tattoo everyone got when they turned ten years old. Yours was different from everyone else's though. Most people had a small bracelet tattoo over their veins, others had a small ball above their heart like the one where your tattoo ended. Others even had tattoos that covered their entire hands.

Yours though, yours went from the tips of your fingers all the way up your arm, over your shoulder, before sliming to a ball over your heart, whorls and smears of ink that covered your skin.

Your mother had cried the first time she had seen it, but had never told you why.

You had figured it out, years later, in history class.

The bigger the mark, the more skin that was covered, the harder the relationship would be.

You had started to hate the mark after you figured that out. You had thought maybe fate had screwed up somehow.

Even the universe could make mistakes right?

But then you saw him for the first time.

Tooru Oikawa, an amazing setter.

You had gone to the same middle school, and you'd seen him around in the halls. You had seen him smiling at a pretty girl in your last year there. Everyone was figuring out who their soulmates were, getting crushes and getting over the whole cooties phase.

He was attractive, he was smart, he was an athlete. He was everything society wanted him to be. Except for his mark.

He had always seemed do proud of it, despite it's size, the white and turquoise curled around a color the same shade as your eyes.

You had seen his mark, looked down at yours, and immediately known what was going on.

You hadn't talked to him though, you had realized, even at such a young age, that he was going to be great, that he was going to do amazing things, and that you would only distract him

You had started to cover your mark up, getting up early to cover it completely in concealer, wearing a sweater in the winters as an excuse.

You thought that after middle school you wouldn't have to worry about it.

But then you walked into class on your first day of high school at Seijoh.

He was right there, sitting in class with Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa.

He'd glanced up at you when you walked in, before going back to talking to Iwaizumi, tattoo on full display.

You kept your head down, you went through the motions, you avoided him whenever possible.

Until the next year, when your brother, Kentarou, joined the volleyball team.

Kentarou, as much as he looked like a delinquent, was a good kid. He was scary looking, but he was sweet, and he always had a hug for you when you needed one.

Which was more often than you would've liked to admit.

"Ken, you need to stop forgetting your phone," you chided as you handed your baby brother his phone. "What if Kaida needs us and I don't answer?"

"I know, I'm sorry, I thought I put it in my bag this morning," he grumbled, taking a drink from his water bottle.

"Just . . . try to remember okay?" you asked, moving your head to look at him.

"Alright," he mumbled.

"Good boy," you teased, ruffling his hair.

"Stop that," he hissed. "You'll get that skin shit in my hair."

"It's called concealer, dumbass, and no I won't."

"Is Kyouken-chan willingly being touched by someone?" a voice cooed, and you tensed when you saw Oikawa step towards you.

"Who's your friend Kyoutani?" Iwaizumi asked, looking at you.

"My sister. Kyoutani (Y/F/N)."

"You two look nothing alike," Iwaizumi said, glancing between the two of you.

"Ken looks like our father, I got more of our mother's looks," you said, trying to act like you weren't being drawn to the setter, like your entire being wasn't aching to be nearer to him.

He was looking at you quizzically, before his eyes darted to your hand, then back to your eyes.

"Remember to text me when you get home," you told Kentarou. "Oh, and I'll be late again tonight because I have a shift at the shelter. Make sure to feed the dogs, and get Kaida to bed on time or so help me, I will ground the both of you."

"I will," Ken hissed.

You nodded to Oikawa and Iwaizumi, walking as slowly as you could manage towards the gym doors.

Once the door was safely shut and you were far enough away, you crouched by the lockers, taking deep breaths.

He must've felt the pull. He must've. There was no way he didn't know now. All your hard work, down the drain just because your little brother forgot his phone.

What if he wanted to talk to you? What if he wanted to try and make something work? What if he wanted to be with you?

"I have to get out of here," you muttered, bolting for the entrance to the school.

________________________________ Your panic subsided when you went to school the next day and Oikawa didn't try to talk to you. Kentarou had remembered everything so you didn't need to track him down, so it was a good day.

Until you got to work.

"We have a new arrival," you supervisor told you.

"Uh oh, that doesn't sound good."

"Well, they don't seem to be taking very well to any of our other members. I figured if anyone could get him to calm down, it was you."

"Breed?"

"From what we can tell, a Pitbull Great Dane mix. Cops raided a dog fighting ring."

"Poor babies."

"They found four litters of puppies. Three with six and one with eight."

You shook your head.

Despicable.

"Here he is."

"Oh, poor baby," you cooed, taking in the light brown dog as he trembled in the corner of his kennel. "Hey there fella," you said softly. "Is he violent?"

"Nope, go right ahead," your supervisor said, leaving you to do your job.

"Hey, it's okay," you murmured, stepping inside, shutting the door, leaning against it.

The dog reminded you of someone, with it soft brown eyes and lighter colored fur, but you couldn't place who.

"It's okay," you promised. "I'm not going to hurt you. See? No sharp sticks or shocking guns. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you. I know that it's loud in here."

You slowly stretched your hand out so he could sniff it, watching for signs of aggression. You had enough bite marks to know that sometimes random little things triggered a dog.

No sudden movements and you would probably be fine, but you wanted to make sure.

Slowly, the dog lifted it's head, stretching out it's neck to sniff your hand, licking your palm lightly.\

"There you go. See? I'm not going to hurt you," you said calmly, moving to rub his head softly.

His hackles raised slightly and you drew back.

"Okay, no touching yet, that's okay, we can work up to that," you said.

"Did you get him to calm down?"

"Yeah, but warn everyone not to touch him, he got a little agitated," you told your boss when he came back ten minutes later.

"Do you want this one?"

"If you wouldn't mind giving it to me, yes. I want to make sure he's safe before we give him to a family."

"So he's your responsibility when you're one shift now."

"Alright. Can you get me a harness?"

__________________________ As soon as you stepped through the door after your shift, your little sister Kaida was throwing herself into your legs.

"(Y/F/N)! You're home!"

"Hello little dragon, have you eaten?"

"Sort of, I made myself a sandwich when I got home, but Ken isn't home yet."

"Alright, did you do your homework?"

"Yes," she said proudly showing you her scribbled on math homework.

"Good girl," you cooed. "Go watch some TV while I start dinner, yeah?"

"Alright!"

You smiled fondly as she bolted to the living room.

At nine years old, your sister had the same coarse, frizzy hair of your brother, and she wore braids most of the time to control it, but when she got home for the day they came out. She was such a bubbly person, especially for someone her age, and she made you smile everyday.

You found a pot and filled it with water, digging out a box of pasta.

The door slamming twenty minutes later signaled Ken's return and you smiled at him when he threw his bag down.

"How was your day?"

"Long," he grumbled, moving to the living room, probably in search of Kaida.

He came back in five minutes later and said, "I know you worked today, go sit down, it's my day to cook dinner anyway."

"Thank you," you told him, snatching the brush he had in his hands.

He grunted, moving around the kitchen, taking over.

"Kaida, come here, I'll help you with your hair," you called, and she plopped herself in your lap eagerly.

"You're much better at this than Ken," she told you, making you laugh when Ken made a protest in the kitchen.

"Ken tries his best but he doesn't understand how it feels to have your hair pulled."

You quickly worked your way through her hair, letting it calm you as well as her. She told you about her day, and about how she had met this really cute boy on the way home that had just moved into the neighborhood.

"His name's Takeru Oikawa!"

Ken dropped something in the kitchen and you dropped the brush you were holding.

Your brother knew Oikawa was your soulmate, and you had both agreed to keep it between the two of you until you were ready to face it.

"Ken, are you alright in there?"

"No," he snapped, stepping into the living room.

"What did you drop?"

"I'm not hurt," he told you, waving you away when you rushed over.

"What's with the reaction?" she asked, turning to look at you both.

"We . . . we might go to school with a family member of his," you said. "Did he mention someone named Tooru?"

"Yeah, that's his uncle."

You let out a breath, picking up the brush.

"Sorry we freaked you out baby," you murmured, running the brush through her hair again.

"It's okay," she replied, leaning back into you.

"If you want, you can invite him out for a playdate," you told her.

"We said we'd walk home with each other," she said.

A lot of the kids in the neighborhood walked to school together in big groups, kids who's parents worked early or had older siblings that couldn't take them.

"Okay sweetheart."

"When's Mommy coming home?"

"Late, sweetpea," Ken told her. "She's taking another shift at the hospital this month."

"Oh," Kaida said, deflating a little.

"Dad said that he could take you this weekend if you wanted," you told her, making her perk up.

"Really?"

"Yep, do you wanna go?"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" she shouted.

"Okay, go call him," you said, smiling at her enthusiasm.

"You work too hard," Ken mumbled when he sat down. "You look tired."

"I'm fine," you assured him. "Besides, there's a new dog! I think you'd like him."

Ken nodded, slumping onto your shoulder.

"You really should talk to him."

You opened your mouth to argue, but Ken interjected.

"I know I say a lot of shit about him, but he is a good guy, and I think he'd be good for you. I also think he deserves to know."

"He's not going to want me Ken," you said. "He's going to take one look at me and this mark and he is going to laugh and walk away."

"Not everyone is Mom and Dad," Ken grunted.

"I know that," you snapped, then winced. "I know that, but . . . I also know how much he loves volleyball. I know how hard he pushes himself to do better, be better. I'm not . . . I'm not the kind of person he's going to want, or the person he needs."

"You're soulmates, if anyone is made for him, it's you!"

"Mom and Dad were made for each other," you reminded him. "Mom and Dad were soulmates and look how they turned out. Not to mention Grandma and Pops!"

Ken sighed.

"Just . . . think about it please. He wants to know you. All he talks about is how amazing they're going to be and how beautiful they are. He doesn't even know it's you."

"Ken, if he knew me, he'd hate me."

"If he did then he'd be missing out on a lot."

"Ken, you're required to say that."

"I'm not. I'm telling the truth."

You rolled your eyes, but patted his knee.

"Get back in the kitchen, you're gonna burn dinner." ____________________________

A few more weeks went by, and everything was good.

Kaida and Takeru were fast friends, and when she wasn't playing with him, she had gotten hooked on volleyball, just like her brother.

Takeru had taken a liking to your house as well, so there was more giggling going on now.

It made you happy that she had such a good friend, someone that made her smile like that. She had never had many friends.

"Kaida, I want you to remember that I have to work tonight, and that Ken is picking you up, alright?"

"Okie dokie!" she said, dashing into the community center where she was learning to play volleyball with Takeru.

As soon as you got to the shelter you headed for Kuma, the mix that had come in. He still really only liked you, but that was okay.

"Hey big fella!" you said when you walked into his cage.

He had really come out of his shell, he liked the friendlier dogs, and you had brought Ken in, so he was okay with someone other than you.

He didn't like cats, but he didn't seem to mind little children.

"You wanna go for a run?" you asked, holding the harness in your hand.

He jumped and gave a happy little noise that you took as a yes.

Kuma was only about a year and a half old, and he still had the energy of a puppy.

"Okay boy, come on," you cooed, hooking the harness on, opening the door. "I'll be back in twenty minutes!"

You loved going on runs with Kuma, one because no one gave you any problems, two because it gave you the exercise that you missed out on in school. You took the job in lieu of a club, and this gave you the exercise.

"Hey (Y/F/N)!"

"Ken? What are you doing out here?"

"The team is on a run," he said, crouching to pet Kuma, who licked his face. "I saw you and bolted ahead."

He was right, the rest of the boys seemed to be catching up to him and Kuma looked at them excitedly.

He was becoming much more friendly with other people as long as they didn't work at the kennel.

"That's a big dog," Iwaizumi muttered when he slowed down. "Is that yours?"

"No, he's a new rescue that came in earlier this month. This is Kuma, and he's a very good boy."

Iwaizumi let the dog sniff his hand and laughed, rubbing his ears.

"You two need to stop rushing ahead," Oikawa chided, bent over his knees panting.

"Kyoutani was the one that ran off yelling! I wanted to make sure he wasn't gonna deck some poor soul."

"I'm not that bad," Ken muttered.

"Puppy!" Oikawa shouted when he straightened. "Can I pet him?"

"Yes," you said, after making sure his yell didn't startle the poor dog.

"What's his name?"

"Kuma, for now, but when he gets adopted they might change it," you said, scratching his back lovingly.

"(Y/F/N), let's be real here, if you have it your way, you'll be bringing him home," Ken mumbled.

"And that wouldn't be a bad thing. I'd feel better knowing that you and Kaida weren't home all alone with two little terriers as protection," you snapped. "Especially since Takeru has been coming over! No one would ever really wanna mess with you, would they baby?" you asked, cooing to the dog, who licked your cheek.

"How do you know my nephew?" Oikawa asked, suddenly straightening.

"Your nephew is now my d-" you paused, catching yourself. "My little sister's new best friend. Kaida Kyoutani?"

"Shittykawa, how did you not put that together?" Iwaizumi asked.

"They look nothing alike!"

"Bullshit," Ken coughed, glancing at you.

Your wrist buzzed and you sighed.

"Great, now I get to go get mauled by a bunch of five-year-old's and a bunch of five month old puppies," you moaned, waving your brother off Kuma. "Come on boy, let's head back. Remember Ken, you have to pick Kaida up. Mom won't be home tonight, she's pulling a double shift, and Dad said he might stop by. Pops is coming by on Saturday to see us, and I want the house cleaned before then because you know how Pops gets. I feel like I'm forgetting something."

"Homework, food, and bills."

"Bingo," you said, snapping your figners. "God I hate my life," you muttered. "See you later little brother. Come on Kuma, let's get back," you said, breaking into a sprint towards the shelter.

_________________________________ "I'm late, I'm late, I'm so fucking late!" you muttered, rushing through the halls to get to your first class, ignoring the weird stares and murmurs you were getting.

You, Ken, Kaida, Takeru, and Tooru, had somehow managed to get wrangled into a movie night.

Oikawa had dropped his nephew off, and then gotten sucked into the chaos with you and your brother.

Ken was right, he was a good guy, but he had kept staring at you.

You had felt the pull all night, and you had tried to act normal, but something was off.

You were trying to ignore the way you thought he was cute curled up with your sister and his nephew, the way the dogs were at his feet, tails wagging.

He was attractive, and he was smart, and funny, and good with kids and dogs, and he was determined. He was everything you would ever want . . . but were you?

Were you all he would ever want?

The thought kept you awake through the movie, and once you had fallen asleep, you were dead to the world.

You had stayed up so late that you had slept through your first alarm, then your second, and then your third. You had barely managed to get the other two out the door, and you had completely forgotten about yourself until you got halfway out the door before you realized you were still in your pajamas.

You were late to first period, your mark wasn't covered, and Kyoutani didn't have his books for his third period class.

You were this close to a mental breakdown and it showed.

"Are you alright?" Oikawa asked quietly when you snuck into your seat.

"No," you muttered, stuffing your hand into the folds of your skirt to try and cover the mark.

He kept quiet for the rest of class, but he was waiting for you after class ended.

"Do you need to talk about it?" he asked.

"Talk about what?" you asked, heading for your brother's classroom.

"About how you're raising your brother and sister."

"No," you replied. "I'm handling it."

Oikawa arched an eyebrow and scanned you.

"This doesn't happen every day," you assured him, carding your hand through your hair to try and control it a little more.

"How often do you see your mother?"

"Every couple of days usually."

"What about your father?"

"Every few weeks," you told him. "Look, why do you even care?"

"I . . . I don't know," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"I don't mean to be rude, but do us both a favor and stop asking questions. You won't like what you dig up," you muttered, walking into Ken's class to drop off the books he forgot.

Oikawa looked like he wanted to say something, but one of his fangirls pulled him aside, saving you the trouble of telling him to get lost.

_______________________________ Nothing really changes over the course of the next months.

You do end up bringing Kuma home, Oikawa stops asking questions, and everyone seems to be happy.

He somehow didn't see your tattoo, or if he did, he decided not to say anything about it.

You become a third year, Ken quits the team and then joins again.

Kaida and Takeru get their Soul Marks, and Takeru meets his soulmate the month after.

Kaida hasn't met hers yet, but you're sure that she will soon.

Takeru keeps coming by, bringing his soulmate, who is now also very good friends with Kaida.

Oikawa and the others are training and becoming stronger.

Ken finds out that his soulmate is Yahaba, who is more than happy to avoid that for now.

But then their tournament is coming up, and they can't avoid it, so they start to work together.

You see Yahaba slam your brother into a wall at the game, and you see Seijoh's defeat by the hands of Karasuno, who move onto Shiritorizawa.

You're there to catch your brother when he cries into your shoulder and you assure him that he did his best, that this is not his fault.

Kaida cries with him, and then she cried with you, even when she doesn't understand why you're crying to begin with.

"I want to talk to you," Oikawa tells you one day when you go into the gym to drop off something Ken forgot.

"About?"

"The fact that we're soulmates."

You choked on your own spit, eyes wide when Oikawa reaches for your hand.

"No."

You said it so forcefully that he actually took a step back.

"No?" he asked, confusion and surprise mixing together on his face.

"No, you aren't going to want this. You aren't going to want me. This isn't going to work," you told him, pulling your hands to your chest.

Your panicking, and you know that you're probably overreacting, but . . . you don't want to trap him with you.

So you do the only logical thing you can thing of.

You run. _______________________ He was chasing you!

He had run after you the second he got over the fact that you were running. You were dodging people, heading for the doors.

Why was he chasing you? Was this so important to him that he was willing to miss practice to talk to you about it?

"(Y/F/N)! Stop, just talk to me," he called, pushing through people, trying to catch up to you.

How far were the doors?

Would you make it?

Suddenly, a hand latched onto yours and you were pulled into an empty classroom and you struggled.

"Stop it," Oikawa hissed. "I just want to talk to you about this."

"Talk about what? The fact that our relationship is pretty much doomed from the start?" you snapped, trying to wrench your wrist away from his fingers, which were like iron.

"What do you mean 'doomed from the start'?" Oikawa asked.

"You pay attention in history, right? The more skin the tattoo takes up the harder the relationship."

"Fuck the history textbooks," he snarled, tightening his grip. "My mother always told me the more skin the tattoo took up the more my soulmate would care for me. The more we would love each other."

You let out a wet chuckle.

"Who's right?" you asked, staring him down as you both stood there, wills clashing as your worlds collided.

“Let’s find out,” he said, moving to grip your hands in his.

“What?” you asked, trying to jerk away.

“I said, let’s find out.”

His brown eyes bored into yours as you stared at each other.

“I want to know, (Y/F/N), if this is something I am going to want. I want to know if this is something you are going to want. We won’t know unless we try. So let’s fine out. Let’s find out together.”

He wasn’t going to let this go, you knew that. He wasn’t going to let this go until he found out.

“Alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

_____________________

“Are you sure that you can’t move to Argentina with me? They’re willing to pay for you to come with me,” Tooru said, trying to bribe you.

“I can’t just pack up and move to Argentina, Tooru! What about Ken and Kaida?” you asked, leaning back against his chest to get a better look at him from where you were perched in his lap.

“Hire a babysitter!”

“Tooru!” you chided, hitting his arm lightly. “You know I can’t do that. I have classes starting here in three months. I want to be here for Ken and Kaida until I know that they’re on their feet.”

“But . . . you’ll be so far away,” he moaned, tightening his grip around your waist.

“So? You can still text me every day and you can call me whenever you want,” you told him, kissing his cheek lightly. “Besides, I’ll go to every single game you play against Japan and you can come home for holidays.”

“But . . . what if-?”

“Tooru,” you said, twisting around so you were straddling his hips. “You survived without me until four months ago. You didn’t even know we were soulmates, I think you can survive this. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to stop loving you while you’re gone.”

“You two really can’t keep your hands off each other can you?” Ken asked.

“You can’t say anything little brother,” you retorted, gesturing to where Yahaba was perched in Ken’s lap.

He flushed, but Yahaba chuckled.

“She has a point Ken,” he teased, toying with Ken’s fingers.

“So you really won’t come with me?” Tooru asked.

“You know I can’t. Maybe when I’m out of school and Kaida graduates,” you said, settling back around.

“But that’s so far away,” he whined, burying his face in your neck.

“Doesn’t matter,” you told him. “No matter where you are, what lifetime we’re in, how far apart you think we are, no matter who tries to keep us apart, I will always find a way back to you Tooru. The universe will always find a way to keep us together,” you assured him, taking his hand.

“Promise?”

“I swear it on us,” you confirmed.

“Why us?” he inquired.

“There’s nothing I believe in more than that.”

#soulmate au #oikawa x reader #oikawa imagine #tooru oikawa x reader #haikyuu tooru #tooru oikawa #fluff #angst #what have i done #this was supposed to be a one-shot

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jodiwalker · 7 years

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A Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Is the Queen and We Are the Sorry People

"Let me tell you something. I'm not here to be played. I'm not here to be made a joke of … So I'm really going to need you to get the fuck out." – Rachel Lindsay of the House Bachelorette, First of Her Name, the Un-to-be-trifled-with, Queen of the Fuckbois, Ruler of the Mansion that Venereal Diseases Built, Breaker of Bullshit, and Mother of Reads

Can you all hear Rachel's perfect Texas drawl in your head as keenly as I can while reading the quote of the century? Has any Bachelorette ever held. that. shit. down. as deftly as this one? No. Because this isn't any Bachelorette. This is the Rachelorette 2K17 and if you are not a man who is ready to hold it down just as tight…than she is going to need you to get the fuck out.

I did not expect myself to be very interested in this DeMario storyline. I liked DeMario and his hollering out of wedding plus-ones in the premiere; so I wasn't rooting for him to be the creep [ed. note: hey, stay tuned on that creep front, 'cuz it's a big ol' YIKES] with a girlfriend. Plus, his girlfriend seemed a little too eager to be delivering her gotcha-moment on national television, and a little too unabashed about wearing a stone-cold waffle-weave scrunchie on her wrist while doing it...

But who cares about DeMario and how many man-rompers he left over at Lexi's house — this storyline is all about Rachel and how she managed to take the drama-covered receipts from Lexi, the slimy "new phone, who dis" excuses from DeMario, run them through her logic-o-meter (a brain, as it's called outside of this franchise), and calmly inform these people that she has 25 boyfriends, a dog who can currently only use three of his legs for unknown reasons, and a rented house in what appears to be an upper middle class retirement community to take care of...so she doesn't really have time to be running on some bullshit.

As Rachel has stated multiple times throughout her three-episode tenure, she keeps it 100. And if any of these knuckleheads keeps it any less than 100, then they better have a background in computer sciences to make their own sub-100 emoji, and some fresh New Balances to — let’s haveRachel reiterate this one last time — GTFO of here.

Never could I have imagined what it would be like to have a Bachelorette so fully in command of her own experience. Rachel doesn’t accept excuses from anyone, including herself. She seems completely aware of the Hellmouth she has willingly entered herself into, and the only way to make that Hellmouth work for her is to take it seriously and flush out one of these vampires to marry. [Ed. note: Is this metaphor falling apart? Who's Angel? Who's Spike?! Obviously Dean is Willow and, yes, he will develop a complex and moving witchcraft/lesbian storyline in season 4.] And speaking of the dumb-dumbs Rachel is dating, I want to take it all the way back to the premiere for a minute when there were 30 contesticles still hoping to woo Rachel.

It seemed like all anyone could say about Rachel—and the character that the editors seemed to be carving out for her—was that she was so beautiful and smart. Indeed, they had never a woman like her. I quickly ran through a list of all of the women that I know well and couldn't think of a single one who I would not describe as smart and beautiful. Which is fantastic for me and concerning for these donuts.

So, I'd now like to turn it over to my girl Hailee Steinfeld — who is quietly an Academy Award nominee, a budding pop princes, and definitive queen of the teenage eyebrow Hunger Games — and her song of the summer:

youtube

Yes, Princess Hailee. Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful. If these dudes don't know any other women that they deem to be both smart and beautiful, then they are not good enough for Rachel. Also, heads up — these dudes aren't good enough for Rachel!

Rachel's only flaw seems to be that she’s not aware when a dude isn’t good enough for her. Rachel can be as smart and funny, and hand as many asses to as many duplicitous dummies as many times as she wants to, but the fact of the matter is, we have this wonderful Bachelorette…because she once truly wanted to be engaged to Nick Viall.

And that is as good of a reality check as any to remind us that this is still the Bachelorette, and two bros will still play a game of homoerotic "I'm not touching you" in the driveway when they get kicked out. Because a peacock cannot change its feathers (which would be a much better reference if this came on NBC!). Yes, of course, I wish that Rachel, Queen of the Fuckbois, Ruler of STD Mansion, Breaker of Bullshit, and Mother of Reads could be a little more like Hailee Steinfeld's breakout song of summer 2015, “Love Myself.” That’s right, the one where she boldly declares that she maybe, definitely screams her own name while she masturbates. I'm not talking about that declaration, though; I’m talking about the other, less intriguing, but altogether more important: Gonna love myself, no I don’t need anybody else (Hey!).

Alas, us women of a certain age weren't raised with the raging independence of the SnapChat generation. We must marry, and we must do it quickly — before our wombs rot and there are no Tickle Monsters or sociopathic amateur drummers left for us. We can scream our own name during orgasm, sure. But society and ABC contracts dictate that it would be much better if there were a Peter or Kenny beside us while we do it. Let’s get to know them, shall we...

DeMario's Return

Y'all. After being told to "get the fuck out," this dude thinks it's a good idea to Uber back over to the mansion for a little more screen time. But all it really does is give Rachel another chance to show off her PhD in rhetoric. I mean—the woman can talk, and I think anyone who watched Farmer Chris or Des with Bangs' season could reiterate the importance of that one simple skill to you.

However, there's nothing simple about the way Rachel pummels what's left of DeMario into the ground. DeMario tries to tell Rachel that Lexi assassinated his character and he was just caught off guard. Rachel kindly responds that all that can be true (in a tone that says it's very much not true), "But I need a man, that when confronted with a difficult situation, does not lie about it." Similarly, I need a Rachel that will speak for me every time I'm confronted with a difficult man. DeMario says that he had a little chat with his Uber driver on the way over, and that Uber driver — who was, without a doubt, a male— encouraged him to not take no for an answer. Bad advice, brother! Always, always, ALWAYS take no for an answer.

Once DeMario starts spouting "in order to experience joy, you need pain" quotes to Rachel (who literally has 20 other guys waiting inside for her, 18 of them hotter than DeMario) she's had it. "I'm glad you realized that you need to move forward," says Rachel, gearing up for something good. "But what I need you to understand is that forward isn't that way toward the mansion. Forward is outside of it." Do you understand that, DeMario? Do you smell what the Rachel is cooking? The other bros shuffle their feet behind her hoping they can somehow spin her hate of another man into a love for them. They ask if DeMario is coming back. "Fuck no," says Rachel.

The Frontrunners

Going back a few episodes, it must be noted that a few frontrunners have already emerged. And they are tall, strapping, brunette white men, because Rachel has a type.

Bryan is a 37-year-old chiropractor who doesn’t look like his name is really Bryan, like he's really a chiropractor, or like he's really 37-years-old. All of that is a compliment.

I really liked Bryan because Bryan is hot and speaks Spanish; I could even get past his Dementor-like kissing style…right up until some of the fellas went on a group date to Ellen and it was revealed during a game of Never Have I Ever—always a cool thing to play with eight guys, one gal, and a live studio audience—that half of the guys on the group date had already kissed Rachel. To the half that had not kissed her, this comes as a surprise. Because, I guess, they've never met a human woman and cannot imagine how Rachel might meet 30 dudes, which probably adds up to, like, 150 different abdominal muscles, and want to kiss some of them. To Bryan, this serves as an opportunity for him to showcase that he was the first guy to kiss her, which he unfortunately does by saying to another fella, "You got my sloppy seconds." It is proof that Rachel likes Bryan that she did not whip off her lace-front and cut him with words right there.

The other guy that had already gotten his kiss? Peter, who got the first one-on-one: a romantic day with Copper the Dog. I don’t care if Peter is boring. I would climb that man like a tree—and I would ask him to keep all of his fashionable suits on while I did it.

Of note: Anthony, who Rachel goes on a one-on-one with, riding horses down Rodeo Drive (not a thing, girl, no matter how many times you say it's a thing), might actually be good enough for Rachel…but he seems far too mentally and emotionally intelligent to be long for this world.

Do We Have To?

Honestly, if it weren't for the one incredible conversation regarding a banana during the saga of Lukas and Blake, I wouldn't even get into this because these two are The Worst. Lukas is the guy who nearly gives himself an aneurysm every 10 minutes trying to be funny. His idea of humor is just to scream a word: Whaboom. My idea of humor is listening to all of the other men genuinely not be able to remember what the stupid word he keeps saying is: Whabam? Kabloom? Ska-douche? Who cares!

Blake is the guy who talked about his dick for a full five minutes in his intro package, but thinks Lukas is in this for the wrong reasons. These two somehow know each other from the outside world, because Lukas used to date Blake's roommate, who Blake says is now being evicted from his apartment for calling him a maniac…ladies, try to keep your panties on, okay?

This all comes to a boil when Rachel tells Lukas that Blake has been questioning his reasons for being on the show, and Lukas responds calmly and not at all like a drunken, unhinged person, saying that he recently caught Blake standing over his bed eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake's response to the claim of a moron: "Heh, impossible. I don't even eat carbs." Blake, you fucking tool.

Let's Detox with a Little…

The Pretty Boy Pitbull, Kenny King. If you had told me my favorite man in this group would be a pro-wrestler who goes by the name of the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, I would have said…Yeah, Jodi, that sounds exactly like you—nothing has ever sounded more like you.

But still, I did not expect Kenny, the pro-wrestler with a 10-year-old daughter to be quite so cuddly. He has endeared himself to me if for this quote alone: "Being a wrestler, I know all about white dudes acting crazy. And these white dudes are buggin'." These white dudes are buggin', Kenny, and you are not. Please stay this pure, and continue not to bug. Also, at some point you have to stop leading every conversation with your adorable love for your daughter. Because I don't know if Rachel is ready to be the step-mother to a teen. Mentioning that you used to be a Chippendales dancer, however, is a good start.

Lee Is a Sociopath Who Must Be Stopped and Since I Just Saw Wonder Woman, I Wouldn't Mind If Rachel Donned Leather Armor and Lasso-of-Truth'd His Ass

Ugh, another annoying storyline, but a complex one, at least. Actually…it's not that complex.

Eric is a young man with Steve Buscemi eyes who has clearly never seen this show, otherwise he would know that if you speak a word about the Bachelor(ette) that sounds like anything less than the complimentary rantings of a stalker, you will be taken to task by some dude named Iggy. See, Eric really likes Rachel, and he's getting frustrated that he can't tell if Rachel likes him back. He wonders aloud to a few friends if Rachel might be keeping her emotions in check since she's dating so many men at once.

And men quite literally come out of the woodwork to tell Eric that he is the devil and he'll never know love.

Listen, I don't really even like Eric that much. He doesn’t seem particularly interesting, and definitely isn't mature enough for Rachel, who could legitimately be the President of the United States right now. But there is no doubt that Lee's sociopathic behavior toward him is fueled by the fact that he thinks Eric is inferior to him. This is obvious because since this season has aired, sleuths have uncovered many a racist tweet from Lee, but also because Lee is a walking microagression with cold, dead shark eyes.

After Eric naively tries to float the idea that Rachel might be playing this gameshow like a game, some dude named Iggy that you don't need to retain to memory comes out of nowhere to confront him about it. Eric raises his voice because Iggy was out of line, and because sometimes people raise their voices when they're upset and consisting on a diet of protein powder and Belvita breakfast bars.

Lee latches onto the fact that he heard Eric yelling and will not let it go. He tells Rachel that Eric’s aggression made him “uncomfortable” (you code, bro?) and he does’t think Eric is right for her. Rachel asks Eric about it and Eric explains that he just wants some validation; Rachel validates him with the group date rose; Lee demeans and condescends to Eric by repeatedly saying creepy shit like he thinks he's "an amazing person" and he “loves him to death,” but he heard him get "aggressive," and that scared him. Then to the cameras: "I don't care if Eric disrespects me, okay? He means nothing … this is one kid with a bad issue."

Hey Lee, real quick: Fuck. You. You are transparent, and you are dangerous, and this season pretty much rides or dies on how soon Rachel gets rid of you. No pressure, Rach.

Just kidding, there is a ton of pressure on Rachel for this season to work out okay, and it's very unfair to her. Happy reality TV, everyone! See you back here, hopefully sooner rather than later. My only thoughts on Bachelor in Paradise for now: Sad, sad, sad. Bad, bad, bad.

#the bachelorette #the bachelorette recap #rachel lindsay

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