presented without comment

mouth full of white lies {Machine Gun Kelly} 2

2. i been fronting that it’s just for the summer

Summary: So you’re together, sort of, and it’s great! Everyone seems to be convinced, that’s not the issue. The issue comes when you fly to LA for filming, and you decide to stay with Colson, but the room only has one bed. And the paparazzi crash your first “date”. And he kisses you and your heart feels like it’s going to burst out of your chest, which is not supposed to happen because this isn’t a real relationship! But it’s fine. Probably. 

A/N: So bare with me, it’s a very long chapter. Also, pretend the Tunnel of Love remix by haroinfather came out before 2018 and not in 2019. Enjoy. 

the brainstrust: @sataninsatin @silvertonguedserpent @juliarose21 @kellysimagines @estxxbritt @machine-gun-casie @harringtonstudios @misscharlottelee @narcvissa @hiworlditishumbleme @angelwarner28 @nevilles-insinuations @rumoured-whispers @mgkobsessed @edwardtriggerhandzz @suckerforbarnes @wastelcve @bakerkells @local-troubled-writer @freddiessmallnipples @oopsiedoopsie23

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It feels like you’re braced for impact when you walk into rehearsals the day after you release the video. Douglas has already seen it, of course he has, he messages you minutes after it’s posted.

[Dig Doug: Not gonna say I Told You So, but im glad you’re happy. 🦆🦆]

It gets you to smile, despite your anxiety surrounding the whole situation.

“Now what?” Colson asked after the video was posted, sitting next to you on his bed. The duvet is so soft, and somehow the whole situation is so inherently soft. Maybe it’s that you’re both in hoodies and sweat pants. Maybe it’s that you’d just told the world that you’re dating. His eyes are so blue.

You phone goes off. 

His phone goes off. 

Both of you have Twitter muted, but even so, it needed to let you both know that you were getting a lot of mentions.

“Now we’re dating,” you say, flipping your phone over, while Colson picks his up, opening Twitter and beginning to scroll through his mentions. Where in the Hell were you meant to go from here.

“Alright, cool; you wanna get pizza or something?” He asks, simple as that, and it’s now you seem to realise that you’ve been so stressed from everything that had been happening that you hadn’t been remembering to feed yourself.

“Honestly, I’d love to.”

The next day, however, it’s the elephant in the room; the others don’t say anything, but everyone, even Douglas to some extent, was wondering how in the hell they had missed your apparent relationship. But it’s not awkward; you and Colson act the same as always, you take notes for Josy, and get coffee, and type away on your laptop. 

They break for lunch, and you look up from your work only to see Josy making a beeline for you, an intimidating look of determination written all over her face. Ah, here’s where the interrogation begins. Glancing over your shoulder you see Colson shoot you an amused, if concerned look, glancing to Josy. In response, you shrug; it can’t be helped.

“We need to talk,” Josy tells you, steers you from the room, across the parking lot, into a whole new building, where she paces for about three minutes, unable to look at you, hands basically pulling out her hair, all of which amuses you greatly. When she comes to a stop in front of you, it’s as if you can see the cogs of her brain turning, her fingers steepled in front of her mouth as she tries to order her thoughts.

“You know you’re my favourite assistant in the world and I treasure our friendship, right?” She asks, and you fix her with a fondly exasperated stare.

“Of course, you see fit to remind me every time I bring you coffee -”

“Then why, my little duck, my little goose, apple of my eye, enchilada of my bosom,” she says with an almost poisonous sweetness, looking you directly in the eye, “would you date one of my actors?” And you have to hold back your laughter in the face of her sincere and rather angry confusion.

“Josy, please,” you start, and she already looks like she wants to interrupt, “I like him is all, okay? I won’t be a distraction -” you can already see her trying to protest, but you hold up your hand to stop her, “and he won’t distract me; if anything, it means there’ll be no outside distractions, hopefully.”

“[Y/N] you test me,” Josy sighs deeply, scrubbing at her face, “how long?”

This gives you cause for hesitation, because neither you nor Colson had thought to get your whole story straight the night before. He had ordered room service and you’d just talked about music until you finally went back to your own room. An oversight, sure, but you had been glad to have a plan, and were happy to figure out the details later.

“A few weeks -” when you say this, Josy makes a choked, wheezing noise, and you pause, “since... uh, since he took us around the city at the end of the first week.”

“Does Douglas know?”

“He’s not my handler,” you fire off reflexively, and Josy winces, a little sheepish, “but yes.” You paused. “Now.”

Josy lets the whole conversation slide with some reluctance, and she asks you to get her lunch from the deli a few blocks away. You agree, partially because it’s your job, but mostly because you’re just glad to get out of the building and away from her exasperated, judgmental stares.

He’s corrupting you. It’s what the media thinks. It’s what Josy thinks. And something about the assumption is already starting to get under your skin. But right as you start to get truly annoyed by the subtext she had been blasting you with, you hear your phone chime.

[Colson: am i gonna get The Talk from my AD later on? Ducky: wot Colson: like u no... if you hurt my daughter im gonna hurt you Ducky: Josys not my mom??? shes like 3 years older than me???? Colson: its a joke. chill ducky. everything alright tho? Ducky: told her wed been dating since that night i filmed a few weeks ago Colson: smart. everyone thinks weve been together since then nyways Ducky: you want anything from the deli? Colson: what Ducky: im at the deli. u want a sandwich? Colson: yeh sure. surprise me. maybe chicken idk. webber wants a chocolate milk Ducky: milks bad for vocal cords Colson: he doesnt care 😈]

It makes you laugh. He makes you laugh. It’s as easy as that; you’re still friends, it’s just that you spend more time together, are closer, when you go out for dinner with the cast, he’s invariably beside you. You’re both always on time to rehearsals, and he keeps sending you selfies from costume and makeup tests, and it’s going fine, great even, despite all the nasty DMs you were still receiving. Of course the supportive ones always outweighed the negative, and even the negative didn’t really bother you, because it’s not as if there was a real relationship in jeopardy, so it actually took a lot of weight off your shoulders.

Filming is set to start on location in LA after about a month and a half of rehearsals, and while the first month had primarily been working on scenes, the extra fortnight you’d been there had been almost consistently rehearsing as a band for eight hours a day, six days a week. The day before you’re due to fly off, the whole cast looks exhausted at brunch. 

“Pass me the salt,” Colson yawns, half asleep with his head against the window of the cafe.

“It’s right in front of you,” you counter, knocking his knee with yours beneath the table.

“My arms don’t work,” he groaned, but he was smiling now, just a little. You look to the other cast members all enjoying their own respective breakfasts. Daniel’s on voice rest, despite the fact that they’re going to be using recordings of Motley Crue themselves for the actual film, they still want him able to perform covers for when they’re filming; currently he’s nursing a lemon and ginger tea with enough honey to drown a bee. Actually, Colson was the only one out of the four of them not to be drinking tea; both Iwan and Douglas both having ordered a cup with their breakfasts. Iwan was the only one who looked ready for the day, with the rest of them all slumped over in various states of exhaustion.

“Ducky, come on, please?” Colson actually whined, and you rolled your eyes, passing him the salt.

“You’re so needy,” you tell him, but your smile is enough to let him know that you’re joking.

“Why’re you called Duck, if I may ask?” Iwan asks, and you heave a sigh, knowing Douglas was already smiling before you even turn to look at him.

“Because when our parents first brought her home, all she did was follow me around like a duckling,” his tone is all fond, and he wraps his arm around your shoulders, pulling you in for a side hug despite your indignant noise of protest.

“Adorable,” Iwan grins over the lip of his cup. You just groan, and steal a bite of Douglas’ pancakes, though he doesn’t seem to mind, “have you worked much in the industry?” Iwan’s accent sounds like home, and despite how quiet and bitter he is in character, he’s rather bright and talkative as a person.

“Here and there; I actually spent quite a few of my teenage years as Doug’s assistant when he would be filming in London,” you say with a half-smile, “still a bit of a duck I suppose, but it looks good on my CV. I do odd-jobs on sets here and there back home, have been a runner for a few TV shows, but I don’t really go out of my way to be on camera, you know,” you shrug, before hearing your mistake. Both Colson and Douglas are already laughing, while Daniel and Iwan just seem confused. “Apart from, like, my actual job, you know? Like I’m on camera for YouTube, but not for a real movie or anything.”

“Well you seem very good at your job, we’re glad to have you onboard,” Iwan nods with a surprisingly sincere smile. Beneath the table, Colson’s hand is on your knee, and he gives you a small squeeze.

“I thought your hands didn’t work?” You raise an eyebrow at him, and Douglas almost spits his drink all over Daniel at the implication.

“Excuse me?” His eyes are wide as saucers and Colson’s quickly turning red.

“I said my arms don’t work but damn, call me out why don’t you?” He splutters, raising his hands in the air in mock surrender, with only mild wincing. It’s about now that you realise the assumption that your brother had jumped to.

“His hand was on my knee, Doug, I was trying to make a joke,” you explain, flustered, though Daniel and Iwan on the other side of the booth have collapsed on top of each other with laughter. You, Douglas, and Colson, however, are all equally mortified, and make a point to move so neither of you are touching as you finish your breakfast quickly.

“I just appreciate,” Daniel was still chuckling as you all left the cafe, as was Iwan, “that Doug genuinely thought Colson was getting busy with his sister at brunch, like, right next to him under the table.

“Nah,” Iwan actually laughs, his smile sharp, “they’re just really in character.”

“Hello! Hello and welcome back, ducklings! Today we’re flying all the way to sunny L.A, which honestly isn’t that far from Portland, but the production company was nice enough to not make us road trip it.” 

The video starts in your hotel room, and follows you as you pack your things, and cuts to a montage set to some royalty-free music, of you heading to the airport, of the cast yawning. Your brother buys you breakfast at a fast-food restaurant in the airport, and you check your bags; a panning shot in the waiting area, of every single member of the cast and crew that are taking this flight on their phones.

“You look cute,” you mutter very quietly to Colson, who’s sitting next to you, scrolling through Twitter with a travel pillow squished up around his neck. He gives you a toothy smile, leans his cheek against the pillow, and winks at the camera. 

The hotel you’re staying at is beautiful, all marble pillars in the foyer and beige and cream counters, and it feels like it might be too much. This is where the stars stay, and you? You know you’re absolutely not a star.

“Duck?” And there’s Josy’s voice, hesitant, about to tell you the jig is up, hand you keys to a water stained motel room a few blocks away. When you turn to her, she’s got two separate key cards in her hands.

“Yes, Josy?” You ask sweetly; it’s not her fault, after all, that you’re not a top-billed star. 

“So corporate wanted to put you with some of the other crew, they’re staying in a place down the road - it’s really lovely, trust me, and if you want it we can still get you a room - but,” Josy glanced to the cards in her hand, before holding them out, one in each hand, “if you’d like to stay here, both your brother and Colson are happy to share with you.” And at this, your brain stalls, looking at the key cards being offered to you.

“Why didn’t they tell me this?”

“Because they’re already heading up, but they wanted me to let you know that the offer’s there.”

So it seems that in the three minutes that you were mooning over the architecture, and giving the guys their space, since you’d assumed you’d be staying elsewhere, both your brother and your fake boyfriend happened to mention that you’re able to stay with them if you want. Douglas is not a surprise; Colson is. 

“How big are the rooms, I don’t want to -” you start, but Josy’s quick to cut you off.

“The size isn’t the matter; they’re big enough rooms, got really comfortable sofas from what I could see, but...”

“But?” You prompt, and Josy gives a smile. 

“Of course, it’s all about what you’re comfortable with; you know Doug’s more than happy to take the sofa, I just know you and Colson haven’t been together that long -” And here it all starts to make sense, and you hope the smile you give isn’t nervous as you ask which key is which. You take Colson’s.

The elevator ride up to the cast’s floor has you wracked with nerves, which you think is ridiculous; you can sleep on the sofa, it’s no trouble, and he wouldn’t have offered the room if he hadn’t meant it. So why does the idea of staying in a room with him, with only one bed, have your heart beating so fast? You’d been teasing each other, flirting and being cute together, in front of other people, that was easy, but since the night you’d released the video, you hadn’t really been alone together. You hadn’t needed to be. It seems like all you can think about as you walk down the beige hallway to your room, on auto-pilot as you scan your key card and enter the room.

It’s quiet.

There’s the gentle whistling of wind that comes from the balcony, the overhead sun beating down on the pristine, Hollywood beaches. He sits on the balcony, plush armchair, smoking a joint with his shirt off. Inside, it’s all white walls and gold accents, his suitcase on the bed, already open the contents inside surprisingly neatly folded. There’s a door beside you that you’re pretty sure leads to the bathroom, and the room itself is spacious, with a gorgeous, gray sofa sitting off to one side, and a wall-mounted television on the other. Just for the moment, all the fears and anxieties in your mind vanish at the sight of this pristine serenity.

Quietly, you wheel your own suitcase to the sofa, and pull out your phone. 

He’s stunning, like that, his feet up on the coffee table on the balcony, free hand tapping a lazy beat on the arm of his chair. You take a candid photo of him as he exhales smoke, and it catches the sunlight beautifully, with the water out of focus in the background. 

“Can I post this?” You ask, and he jumps a little, not having heard you come in, before his concerned expression morphs to a genuine smile when he realises that it’s you. Turning the phone to him, you show him the photo you took, and he lowers his sunglasses to get a proper look at it. After a beat, his gaze flicks to yours.

“’course, it’s a nice photo.”

“You’re very photogenic,” you brush of his compliment with a smile, and he pushes his glasses back up his nose, looking out from the balcony.

“You crashing here?” 

“If it’s not too much trouble,” you respond, and he actually laughs, though the sound is kind.

“Wouldn’t have offered if it was.”

Easy. Like everything else about him, it seemed, this was easy.

You caption the photo ‘the view from my balcony 😍’ and post it on both Twitter, and your Instagram story, tagging him in both, and you set about checking out the room’s facilities. It’s a normal, if fancy hotel room. Little bottles of soaps and shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom, TV with a bunch of standard channels, and a whole ton more that you could pay for if you wanted, it even had a set of cables so you could charge your phone, either side of the bed. The singular bed. Which Colson has clearly already claimed.

Maybe it had been a mistake to not board with your brother. 

“I’m getting lunch, you want anything?” You call, needing to get out of your own head for a bit, wanting to explore the city a little. He’s quiet for a moment, then you hear a strained ‘yeah’.

“Gimme a moment, let me put on a shirt and I’ll come with you,” he tells you through a lung full of smoke, putting the joint out in the ash tray provided, tucking the other half in his pocket for later.

“You not gonna vlog this?” He asks, half smiling in the elevator, hands tucked into his pockets. 

“Oh, shit, knew I forgot something,” you mutter, and you go to punch in the number of your floor again, but his hand catches yours. 

“We’re coming back after, don’t worry about it.”

And, well, you don’t.

It’s easy to talk to him, you swap stories about life in the entertainment industry from two wildly different perspectives, and you find a cute and overpriced restaurant to have lunch in. All the while, you’re so aware of where you are, how there could be any number of people snapping photos of the pair of you. It’s not like you’re being overtly couple-y, you’d only been putting on this ruse for three weeks at this point, but he pays for your lunch.

“Oh, I didn’t realise this was a date,” you admit, a little surprised, a little flustered. He shrugs, eats the last bite of his burger, and smiles.

“Why not? We haven’t had the chance to go on one yet, let’s take it for a test drive. Do they- are boardwalks still a thing? Is a boardwalk carnival still a thing or was that just the nineties?” You’re actually rather taken aback by his suggestion, and can’t help but grin, picking up your mostly empty glass to swirl the ice at the bottom.

“Pretty sure boardwalks are a thing, not sure about carnivals on them, but we can check it out.”

You each finish your drinks and leave, setting off for the waterfront. Feeling bold, you tuck your arm in his, and enjoy the Spring-time sunshine. The boardwalk, as it turns out, is still definitely a thing, as are the kitschy carnival rides along it. 

“I feel like a fuckin’ teenager,” Colson mutters under his breath, knowing you’ll hear it, “if we see a couple where they’re both wearing braces, looking like they just got out of school, I’m throwing myself straight into the ocean.” He informs quietly, and you snort at that.

“Not a fan of traditional cute date shit?” You ask, as the pair of you approach the ticket booth. 

“Not in the slightest,” Colson admits through his teeth while trying to smile at the attendant. The attendant, who obviously recognizes at least one of you, is doing her best not to look like she’s staring. You each buy a ride pass and head in, and the girl tells you to have a good afternoon, with a nervous sort of excitement. 

“This feels like somewhere I’d go with my daughter,” Colson looks doubtfully up at the ferris wheel that sat ahead of you at the end of the pier, looking more than a little perturbed, but his words struck you in a way that you hadn’t expected.

“Have you told her about us?” You asked, and he casts an unreadable glance at you.

“Listen, if we’re going to talk about... stuff like this, let’s at least do it somewhere a little more private?” It seems he, just like you, is acutely aware of how busy the little set of attractions is, and having already been recognized once, it’s almost certainly not going to be the last time today.

The gangly-limbed teenager working the ferris-wheel doesn’t even hide that he’s staring at Colson with hero-worship in his eyes, and he gives you a look over, followed by an approving, rather smug nod, before closing the door of the carriage. It makes your skin crawl.

“Why does everyone get to decide if I’m good enough for you based on my looks?” You hear yourself mutter, but Colson’s slinging his arm around your shoulders as the pair of you are raised steadily into the air. 

“Who gives a shit? They’re jealous, and it doesn’t matter because we’re not really together anyways,” he’s got a point, but your expression is still downcast, and there’s a strange sadness settling in the pit of your stomach. 

“I suppose.”

Once you’re high enough in the air that no-one from the ground should be able to hear either of you even a little bit, Colson sits back, lets his gaze drift across the horizon.

“I told Cassie about us, told her the truth.” He doesn’t sugar coat it, doesn’t try and explain his way out of it, when instead he looks tense, like he’s read to defend himself. You, however, nod, giving him an understanding smile.

“Of course, she’s your daughter,” you pause, and he finally looks back at you, and you think you see some hint of relief in his eyes, “I never expected for you to lie to her.”

“She’s a good kid,” he assures softly, “got a good head on her shoulders.” And now he’s turning fond, giving your shoulder a squeeze, “fuckin’ who knows where she got it, ‘cos it ain’t me.” Laughing a little, he’s surprised when you answer, voice soft and sincere.

“You’ve gotta give yourself more credit,” you tell him matter-of-factly, “you wouldn’t be half as successful as you are if you didn’t have a good bit of sense.”

“I knew there was a reason I was dating you,” he teases, pulling you in close, but you play along.

“Yeah, it’s that good sense of yours,” you returned, and he gave you a gentle shove. “Am I going to meet her at all?” You ask finally, and Colson gives another shrug.

“Yeah, I mean sure, she wants to come to set, so if you’re around you’re welcome to meet her,” his fingers are drumming lightly against your shoulder, “I should warn you though, she tends to vet any girls I’m getting serious about pretty hard, fake or not.” And yeah, you’re laughter’s a bit disbelieving, and though he sees the humour in it, he doesn’t seem to be joking, “she’s a good judge of character, and I’ll tell you now, I’m mad protective of her, but she’s mad protective of me too.” The thought of it is actually endearing, and you lean into him, letting yourself heave a sigh of contentment, glad to have talked this through.

“This would have been real nice to film,” he muttered, a teasing edge to his voice as the two of you stared out at the glittering ocean.

“Don’t even start,” you gave his ribs a shove, which only made him laugh, the sound warm and easy in the afternoon air, the sun moving slowly to the horizon.

Slowly but surely Colson was warming to the little boardwalk carnival. The two of you play obviously rigged games, and ride the rollercoaster that creaks ominously, and he even convinces you to share some fairy floss. He snaps a picture of you grinning wide and genuine as you offer him the treat, and posts it to Twitter with the caption ‘sweet’. 

There’s a Tunnel of Love ride that Colson had adamantly refused to go on at first, but as sunset was drawing closer, he relented. 

“I’m not a cliche! I’m not a fucking cliche!” He huffs, sitting beside you with his arms crossed, his legs so long that his knees came up almost comically. You’re filming on your phone for your Instagram story, and will later add at least two heart gifs, but for now you’re just obnoxiously singing the Tunnel of Love remix, thankful that you’re the only two on the ride at the moment.

“You so fucking cute, when I see you, I uwu, can you be my fucking boo? Can you be my sailor moon?” Hearing the smile in your voice, he turns to you, something about his expression softening as he sees the joy written all over your face that the camera can’t see, “and I don't wanna fight, I just wanna treat you right; I was aiming at your heart and I don't wanna say goodbye.” 

He just laughs, and shakes his head as the ride takes off, fond adoration written all over his face.

The sun’s setting by the time you’ve ridden all the rides you wanted to, eaten all the candy you could possibly stomach, and failed at enough rigged games that you were about ready to call it quits. 

“Hey I didn’t just wanna come here for the carnival shit,” he said, and you’ve got your arm tucked into his again as he steers you both to the edge of the boardwalk, where there was a set of steps down to the beach. 

“Under the boardwalk,” you nod knowingly, which he parrots back with a smile. Beneath the boardwalk there was a gaggle of youth, looking slightly older than teenagers, some still in uniforms from boardwalk rides, some smoking, most looking intimidating, but when Colson asks them for a light, they seem to get much less hostile.

“Hey are you MGK?” One asks, and when Colson lights the half a joint he had from earlier, he nods. “Sick.” The kid nods sagely, before his gaze turns on you. “And you’re that Booth chick, aren’t you? I’ve seen you on Twitter.” It’s not hostile, it’s genuinely curious.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Eddie, that’s [Y/N], do you live under a rock?” One of the girls pipes up, decked out in black, with a thick piercing through her septum, and an intimidating amount of eyeliner. The boy, Eddie, flushes scarlet, and snaps that not everyone watches the same shit as her. “I’m Samara,” the girl offers with a grin, offering her hand to you, which you shake, more than a little pleased with their various reactions.

“I heard yous was boinking -” a third girl interrupts, wearing a boardwalk uniform and hitting a vape pen pretty hard. 

“Emma!” More than one of them shout, though Samara is the loudest.

“Is boinking still the term?” Colson snorts, taking it all in stride, though he’s got an arm around you now, “Jesus fuck I feel ancient.”

“You are -” Emma interrupts, much to the rest of the group’s chagrin, but Colson just laughs.

“I’m twenty-seven you fucker!” He crows, and Emma cracks a smile, and takes another hit off of her vape pen. “Whatever,” he shrugs, “just tryin’ to show my girl everything LA has to offer.” 

“So you come under the boardwalk?” Eddie asks, with a skepticism that made you all flustered at his insinuations.

“Can you blame us for wanting a bit of privacy?” Colson smirks, to which the group of youths all collectively ‘ooh’ at, and he gives your hip a squeeze. 

“Try the one a quarter of a mile that way,” Samara points further down the beach, “less carnival, less people.” She winks, before adding, surprisingly hopefully, “but could we get like, a photo or something first?” 

Of course you both agree, and among the group photos, you learn that they’re all working around town during winter break for college. Samara specifically asks for a photo with you, where she plants a kiss on your cheek, looking a little flustered herself, muttering a quiet thanks. You follow her back on Instagram, and she gives you this starry-eyed look.

“She’s got a crush on you,” Colson snickers as the two of you head down the beach, well and truly out of earshot of the others, and you smile, finally looking up from your phone, a little endeared at the young woman’s antics. 

“Jealous?” You ask, loftily, and you expect him to laugh, but he goes quiet. When you turn to him, he’s regarding you with amusement, and something else you can’t quite identify. “Colson?” And you slow, now near enough to the next section of the boardwalk. As promised, it was rather secluded. 

After a beat, he leans in and kisses you, soft and unexpected, but his lips fit against yours like you were made for each other. Leaning into him, you wrap your arms around him, letting him pull you close. Not exactly sure what triggered this, you’re just happy to lean into it, enjoying the moment. And then he’s pulling back, forehead resting against yours.

“You see the guy to our left who’s just left the group of kids under the boardwalk? Hawaiian shirt and expensive camera?” He asks quietly, and you glance out of the corner of eye, only to spot the exact person he’s talking about, you make a quiet noise of confirmation, and you keep up the ruse, hand coming up to cup his jaw, butterflies going ballistic in your stomach despite now knowing that it was obviously for show, “been following us for the past hour.”

“Fucking paps,” you hiss, but before your expression can sour, he kisses you again, gives you a squeeze, as if to remind you to put on a show of not noticing him. Much to your surprise, he bites gently at your bottom lip, and you let out a quiet but pleased noise that neither of you had expected, and when he leans back, he looks both surprised and kind of into it, what’s more unexpected is that the exact same expression is written all over your face too.

“Back to the boardwalk, uber back to the hotel?” You ask, resolutely not talking about what had happened, but still smiling and all up in his personal space.

“Love it, let’s get out of here,” and he takes your hand, and leads you back to the safety of the street. It’s the first time the two of you had kissed, not that you’d realised it in the morning, but it was good, you reflect, it felt like it made sense. If you’re a little more giddy than you probably should be on the way back, Colson doesn’t seem to notice, in fact, he’s grinning too, humming to himself.

There’s two posts, one right after the other on Samara’s Instagram story when you check it that night, after having briefly seen it in the uber on the way back to the hotel. 

The first is a video captioned [gross thats my mom and dad] The video was pixelated as hell, and she hadn’t tagged either you or Colson, but you knew it was the two of you, wrapped up in each other, half a mile down the beach. In the background, her friends are arguing about something much closer, though one voice cuts through louder than the rest.

“Hey, Hawaiian shirt hipster paparazzi fuck! Yeah you! Give ‘em some fucking privacy!” And as the voice, who you think is Emma, shouts, Samara turns to focus the camera on the paparazzi Colson had spotted earlier, still incredibly zoomed in, capturing his sheepish, angry expression in all it’s rather pixelated glory.

“Fuck you kids!” He shouts back. Someone throws a can at him.

“Piss off!” Samara shouts, “we know you’re not taking photos of seagulls, cunt!” He goes to respond, but the group just starts chucking things at him. In the background, you can see yourself and Colson heading back up to street level, oblivious to what was going on.

The second post is a screenshot of a set of DMs between yourself and Samara.

@yourinstagramhandle mentioned you in their story

6:28pm

@yourinstagramhandle responded 😍 to your story @yourinstagramhandle: god i fucking love you guys, it was so great to meet you @unholy-samara-tin: 😅😅😅 it was the right thing to do lmao no stress he was a creepy fucker

It’s captioned [HOLY SHIT I’VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN].

You get dinner with Douglas and tell him about your day, and he gives you this sweet, if a little smug smile.

“You seem very happy.” He says, knowingly.

“I am, it was a good day!” You tell him, and he hums, but won’t say anything else on the matter. The conversation is taken up mostly by excitement regarding the makeup and costume fittings that they have over the next week and a half before filming starts, and then it’s back to your own rooms. At your door, Douglas calls out to you, three rooms away.

“It’s strange to see you so grown up, duckling,” he hasn’t called you that in so long, not since you were children, even your mother had abandoned that nickname for the mildly less embarrassing ‘Duck’ in the past few years, and while it warmed your heart, you couldn’t help but tense in anticipation for some sort of gentle, sibling embarrassment, probably to do with you sharing a room with your ‘boyfriend’. 

“And?”

“And nothing,” he shrugged, “never thought you’d become cool is all, a star in your own right, aren’t you?” 

“Of course I’m cool, would you like me to give you some pointers?” You asked sweetly, and Douglas couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“I walked into that one, didn’t I? Anyways, have a good rest of your night, Colson and Dan have gone out drinking.”

“Thanks for the heads up,” you tell him, and the two of you finally go into your separate bedrooms. He’s right, of course, there’s clothes strewn all over the bed, and the shower’s been recently used, and the whole little place has a warm, clean smell, like the last mist of some spiced cologne was still lingering in the air. The only light on is one of the bedside lights, and the lights of the city outside twinkle brightly, though you can’t see many stars for the light pollution. You crack the screen door to the balcony open, and shiver a little, though you tell yourself it’s from the cold, and not because the rather comforting and clean smells were quickly dissipating. 

You are alone when you try to fall asleep on the plush but desperately uncomfortable sofa, alone and struggling to pass out with the bedside light still on, not wanting Colson to have to stumble around in the dark when he gets back. You spend almost a full hour on your phone blocking people who send you nasty DMs, and responding to a few kind ones, and you post a photo of the roof just captioned ‘cant sleep’.

It’s just gone one when the door clicks open, and Colson steps in, pretty well coordinated, and trying to keep quiet. But then there’s you, staring back at him in the lamp light.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” 

Awkward silence.

“Why are you on the sofa?” He asks, hauling his bag from the bed, shoving his loose clothes in haphazardly, before patting down his pockets. “Sorry if I woke you,” it’s almost an afterthought, and he pulls out a box of cigarettes.

“You didn’t,” you tell him with a yawn that says otherwise, but you power through it, “and I didn’t want to intrude.”

He casts a dubious glance at how you’re angled on the sofa, but doesn’t say anything, and opens the sliding door wider to sit on the porch and have his cigarette. Without even hesitating, you join him, and your spine thanks you the moment you stand.

“Nice night?” You ask, sitting out on the balcony with him.

“Nice night,” he agrees, adding, “nice day all around.” And something about it makes your heart flutter. “You know you can take the bed; I’d rather sleep on the floor than have you get scoliosis.”

“I don’t think that’s how scoliosis works,” you say with a huff of laughter, but he just hums, “and you don’t need to do that, I’m fine,” you try to insist.

“You know you’re welcome to just share the bed, it’s fucking massive, I feel like I’ll get lost in it,” he actually yawns, takes another drag of his cigarette. 

“So you want me to, what, ground you somehow?”

“I just wanna know that if I roll over in the night and there’s something solid there, that it’s your arm and not like, the lightpost in fuckin’ Narnia,” he tells you, and breathes out a lung full of smoke. You watch it hang in the air, pale and silver in the light of the moon. 

“We’re gonna be in the tabloids tomorrow,” you tell him quietly.

“No-one reads tabloids anymore, we’re gonna be on like, those snapchat news things,” he says, and laughs but it doesn’t sound very amused. “Have you been getting less shit?”

“Actually,” you consider, “yeah, most of your fans are mad supportive when you ask them to be. What about you?”

“Your fans are cute, you know that? I was scrolling through twitter and I saw a whole bunch of photos of us like, photoshopped together,” he paused to chuckle, “some had flower crowns.” You can hear the smile in his words, and he seems quite enamored by the phenomenon. It’s a nice moment; he’s drunk and a little high and you’re exhausted, and you fall into bed like it’s a sitcom.

“Tell your spine I said ‘you’re fucking welcome’,” he tells you, and it’s so absurd that you laugh, even as you pull the covers up over you and snuggle in, comfortable as all hell, before turning the light off.

Then, there’s movement, and a loud ‘thwap’ as Colson’s hand comes to knock your shoulder, landing on top of the duvet. 

“Narnia?” He asks, and you give a small smile in the dark.

“Just me.”

You wake in the morning to the sound of Colson’s alarm, or more accurately, his groaning at his alarm. And swearing. And muttered ‘fucking makeup tests’. 

He’s dragging himself into the shower while you relish your days off, nose and eyes peaking out from the covers when he comes out of the shower wrapped in a towel. The two of you make direct eye contact before you mutter a flustered apology and flip away from him, though he doesn’t seem to know how to react, just quietly getting dressed. The rest of his morning routine passes mostly in silence, before you hear him open the door.

“If you wanna get like, lunch or dinner or something, lemme know, or I’ll let you know if the boys are organising something,” he tells you, and you call out a sleepy thanks in response. The door closes. Silence. You could go back to sleep, but you’re curious about the turn around time for paparazzi media, and you were not disappointed.

MTV’s snapchat story posted “MGK and New Boo [Y/N] Booth Caught Getting Steamy Under the Boardwalk” the headline.

The self-proclaimed ‘Rap Devil’ Machine Gun Kelly, best known for his album bloom, has managed to find himself locking lips with YouTube’s darling [Y/N] Booth, though you may know her best as the vlogger, and entertainment industry insider, DuckDuckBooth.

It seems new media’s hottest couple have finally landed in LA after their surprising hookup in Louisiana, set to continue working on some mysterious project that they keep hinting at, and they seem to still be going strong!

The pair were caught after a cute date along the Hollywood seaside - 

[And here they’d entered your Instagram story, from the Tunnel of Love, as well as Colson’s Twitter picture of you with the fairy floss.]

- after meeting a group of fans, they found somewhere a little more private to get a little bit romantic in a way that 90s kids truly will appreciate; making out under a boardwalk. It feels like it should be ripped straight from a John Hughes movie set in Hollywood.

However unlikely this pair may be, you can’t deny that they’re cute together.

[And here’s those traitorous, and almost painfully HD photos of yourself and Colson, wrapped up in each other, that the paparazzi had taken the day before, though with the legs of the boardwalk, as well as the ocean and the sunset as your backdrop, the photos themselves are surprisingly stunning.]

“Fucking paps,” you mutter under your breath, and screenshot the photo anyways. If it’s your lock screen, well, it’s what any real girlfriend would do, right?

Running thoughts on The Mandalorian Episode 8

This episode summed up in one word: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???!!!

I’m only gonna say it once: MASSIVE spoilers beyond the break!

THEY PUT BABY YODA IN THE BAG ASDFGHJKL; YOU MONSTERS aw cute point of view shot from inside the bag but also HOW DARE YOU

DID YOU JUST SERIOUSLY HIT MY BABY 

did you seriously do it TWICE

Okay these two troopers have big Taika energy and as much as I already hate them I’m laughing my ass off

These two trying some target practice to pass the time can’t shoot for shit and I’m living for it

That other trooper be like

Okay it’s not just me who heard that trooper say “Oh my god”, right??

You go Baby Yoda, you bite that mean trooper WHO JUST FUCKING PUNCHED YOU WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM I HOPE THEY DIE

oh my god IG you better show them what’s what

Breaking that fucker’s arm after he hit Baby Yoda yesssssss

IG is an icon and i love him

“The Mandalorians have a covert down in the sewers” oh that’s neat so that’s where it was

“If we can get down there, they can help us escape” uhhh Dyn how long has it been since they said they’d have to relocate buddy

Oh the troopers are getting out a big gun thing this is fine they’ll just miss with it anyway

...What the hell kind of sewer has access inside a bar lounge?

can we just get more footage of cara with her big gun being sexy and stuff please

SHE’S FROM ALDERAAN HOLY SHIT WHAT

HE KNOWS THEIR NAMES OH SHIT

!!!!! SPELLING CONFIRMED IT’S DIN DJARIN MY MAN I NEED TO GO EDIT MY FANFIC NOW BUT AAAAAAAA

“Night of a Thousand Tears” is this just me or does this just sorta feel like Kristallnacht like seriously yikes and also oof

Ughhhhh I hate Moff Gideon so good job writers on that I absolutely loathe your villain well done

“Mandalorian isn’t a race.” “It’s a Creed.” FUCKIN YES THANK YOU THIS IS SOMETHING FANS WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT

baby din is so precious and i wanna feed him cookies and tell him it’s gonna be okay send help please

ARE THOSE DEATH WATCH MANDOS OH MY GODDDDDDD

Baby Din being carried away via jetpack my heart

Oh man so the Purge would have happened semi-recently which means Din’s clan are a more orthodox version of the Way that’s neat aw shit Imma have to tweak my fic again aren’t I

Baby Yoda and IG-11 on the bike together are just stunning

“I am fulfilling my base function. ... To nurse and protect.” YOU GO NURSE DROID IG

Greef downing shots thinking he’s gonna die is honestly such a mood

hnggg yess more of Cara being sexy AF

MOFF JUST BLEW UP MY HUSBAND HOW DARE YOU

Cara yes RESCUE HIM PLEASE

“If you go near this child, I will have no choice but to kill you.” ME TOO

Oh shit oh shit that’s chunky blood

Not good not good not good

Din baby please you can’t die this is your show

oh god is he gonna need to take the helmet off

oh no he’d rather die than take it off

he wants cara to protect his baby send help

“the foundling” BABY YODA IS CONFIRMED HIS SON NOW AAA

BABY YODA REDIRECTING THE FIREBALL YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

Din asking IG to kill him nooo ;-;

The episode’s only half over and I still haven’t seen some of the trailer shots how’re they getting out of this

oh

oh m

my god

“No living thing has s-seen me without m-my helmet since I s-swore the C-Creed—” Din stoppit stop stuttering and dying you’re breaking my heart

Oh no is this gonna make him stop hating droids so much is this a loophole is this not can he not be Mandalorian is he g

oh my g

Din baby look at what they’ve done to you

(internally: oh my god he’s hot this is not fair imma die send help my ovaries am become explode)

HE’S SO EXPRESSIVE WITHOUT THE HELMET

his reaction to IG’s attempt to make a joke like my god aaaaaaa

I’m just gonna go cry seeing all the helmets and armor piled up here if we’re gonna continue the Jews parallel this is like all the shoes you see at Holocaust museums and I bet this was 100% intentional

Din just slowly falling to his knees seeing it :(

Oh thank fuck the Armorer is actually alive and the preview scene wasn’t from a flashback!

She knows about the Jedi~~~

Din: “So you mean this thing is my baby now?” Armorer: “Bitch haven’t you been watching the entire show”

For real this brings my heart so much fucking joy I can’t even

“You are a clan of two.” ASDFGHJKL; AAAA

HE GOT THE MUDHORN AS HIS SIGNET AFTER ALL

“Have you trained in the Rising Phoenix?” JETPACK?

“When I was a boy, yes.”

JETPACK!!!!!!

BABY DIN LEARNING HOW TO USE A JETPACK ART NOW PLEASE AAA

Also okay so like he says nobody’s said his name since he was a kid but apparently the entire clan knows it? What? Did I miss something? Guys?

Maybe he’s never heard the name from people outside the clan? Fuck it, that’s what Imma go with

Oh my god the Armorer beating the absolute hell out of those Stormtroopers I am so gay for her right now aaaaa

Cara watching Greef and Din trying to move the boat and then she just shoots the dock it’s on XD

aww the little R2 unit’s got little arms WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING IT’S GOT LEGS TOO??

Din: “I don’t suppose anybody here speaks droid?” IG-11: “bish u wot m8″

God the convection from this lava river’s gotta be brutal

omg fire ferrets good bois good bbs

...Literally everything about IG’s death and Din starting to overcome his hatred of droids just in time to watch his savior self-destruct to save them all hurts so hard, jesus christ

oh shit it’s the Moff in a TIE

“Come on, baby! Do the magic hand thing!” Greef you absolute icon i love u

Baby Yoda just fuckin waving back at him and cooing im ded

oh shit it’s motherfuckin JETPACK TIME

wait how’s he wearing it over the cape won’t the cape burn up

Nvm he’s got the cape slung over one shoulder now

HE FLYIN HE FLYIN HE FLYIN

aAaAaAaAaAaAaA THAT CAN’T BE GOOD FOR HIS ARMS

hahaha Moff get fuckin REKT (no way he’s dead though people climb out of worse crashes than that all the time)

Okay Din using the jetpack is way sexier than it should be can he just take me now please i thirst

Cara becoming Greef’s enforcer is just perfect and I hope we see more of these two in the next season also sweet Din is gonna find his life a lot easier now that he’s not running from the Guild

BABY YODA WANTS TO BE PICKED UP BY HIS DADDY MY HEART AAAA IT’S JUST LIKE WHEN DIN WAS SAVED AS A KID

He made Kuiil a grave im not crying ur crying

is he gonna name the baby Kuill

Baby Yoda has the pendant he gave Cara!!

HE GETS TO KEEP THE PENDANT DIN HAS ACCEPTED HE’S GOT A SON AAA

And now we pan back to the wreck where Moff is climbing out of it

or not

fuckin Jawas, man

Now Moff?

wait

oh

my

g

w

o

OH

MY GOD

IT’S

IT’S THE DARKSABER!!!!!!!!

The Woman in Black - 1989 - 3/10

looks like the 1980s but with somewhat older-style outfits; exposition mutherfuckerrrrrr;

very slow, fluffy script; oh got the cut is just forward and back as they speak, now we’re close flipping forward and back when its their turn to speak i’m dying. exposition, telling other characters what the audience has already heard; each of these scenes are far too long with so much fluff, Jesus Christ the cuts just throw us into a completely different place with no transition its so abrupt and the jump cuts are infinitely worse fuck half of these are like .5 seconds long, they’re so basic its crazy. some j cuts all of the sudden and some decent direction all of the sudden on this indoors scene wtf lol. then back to awful cuts, apparently just outside and between scenes.

i can’t even focus on the story because there’s so much nonsense filming, writing and acting and jfc.

the 2012 version is only 5 minutes less but this one reaaaaally feels like its length while the 2012 one does not.

the house is just a grey house in a simple marsh, unassuming, boring to look at, the birds chirp, there’s a half-sunken cemetery nearby, the woman in blacks just standing there in broad daylight with a lil hat on her head, her skin like yellow tinted with red around her eyes kinda lookin like the wicked witch of the west, just staring casually at him they giving her a mid-shot and a close-shot and all, got some crooked shaped eyebrows, i think she’s angry? I’d be angry too with that ugly ass velvet donut on my head; she slowly sorta makes her way a few steps toward him, he sprints off and locks the door then turns on all the electrical lights in the house and seems alright; the rooms are tiny and clean cause she only just died (woman in black’s sister) - it’s really not scary - all white and beige with floral designs, boring frames with dark protraits; reminds me of the rooms at the thornton’s house and other old bedrooms i stayed in as a kid; fuck he’s really turning every single light on. he’s drinking again. we’re half an hour in and he’s messing around with some sort of recorder whistling into it and shit - omfg i thought that was leading up to a scare but no. telling the clues of the mystery in these weird cylinder recordings instead of the 2012 letters? he’s drinking again. WHOA hey we got an establishing shot and its a red-bricked house three stories tall with a big ass entrance way and pointed roofs and lots of windows am i missing something wait what happened to the grey house. there’s no scary music, its all light, there’s no suspense its like well here we are, now we’re here, now the marsh is water, there’s fog and horses and he’s nervous and there’s horses and women and children screaming yikesss ol mate looks mildly nervous, they must have hired him for his scared running and dramatic turns, NOW THE HOUSE HAS GREEN VINES ALL OVER IT. i mean he seems passionate about his role he’s tryin his hardest thats for sure. half of its filmed like a stage show - where’d the dog go. continuity needs to like actually be a thing. why do these candles have hats they’re on beautiful candelabras and now there’s more alcohol. for epople who have a butler and a maid on stand-by their tablecloth looks like a crumpled sheet and the lampshades look like they were picked up from the tip and they’re fkn crooked for godssake. we’re 46 minutes in and theres been maybe 25 minutes of actual story. he ran because he was afraid and that sits wrong with him so he wants to go back - now he’s ‘brave but not brave enough’. stubborn muthafucker. his rational friend is like lol you’re a moron, take my dog as companion he’s called spider for some reason. jesus fuck the cuts they get me everytime they’re scarier than anything else i’ve seen. unsurprised i could see the shadow of the camera. oh okay the grey house is the generator room out back that makes more sense. locked doors, ring of many keys but no key will turn. completely wasted mirror angles that were making me actually kinda anxious waiting to see something in them like damn son wasted opportunity. thrilling to watch this guy go through wads of paper not really looking at anything just pushing them around the great lawyer he is conveniently only finding and looking at plot-relevant things. kid crying mummy mummy while the lady just screams horribly - OMG NOW HES telling the recording exactly what we just heard and saw fuck sakee i love this movie its so dumb spoon feeding everyone - naw spider in his beeeeddd 10/10 best actor. nothing scary has actually happened other than weird lady staring constipatedly at him. he out here gon break his shoulder - sprint sprint sprint PACE PACE PACE – THE DOOR IS OPENNNNN ooohhwuuuhohhh and now he has an axe. he’s a fuck load more of a scardey cat than my main man harry potter and its the nursery - A BALLLLLLLL fell from the SKYYYYY and he doesn’t seem too fazed lmao. spiders just chillin on a chair like yep you’re in trouble. creepy old dolls. a kid just said 'hello’ and laughed, like friendly. 'hello?’  and put a toy in his hand. this is actually interesting. whoops the lights have gone out - PROBS CAUSE HE TURNS THEM ALL ON. nothing even scary happened, the kid said hi and clearly wanted to play then he sprinted away and now is panicking trying to find a torch where is he going its not even that dark back at the generator. cause god forbid- - OMG HE:S LITERALLY GO TTHE WHOLE HOUSE LIT UP mate why do you think it all went out omg im crying he’s freaking out about spider running off oh nah nevermind he’s fine lololol he was freakingggg outttt and then just chills immediately and goes back inside. i love this guy he’s trying so hard. the 70s lampshades are swinging from the roof. would be more eerie if it were actually dark and nah gonna just move over that back to him telling the recording exactly what we just saw. every fucking light. every FUCKING LIGHT. he’s lucky he doesn’t have to pay for electricity. this is the third time we’ve heard this crash and the kid and the lady screaming and he’s going angry about it cause its very noisy and he’s lost his mate’s dog whoops. lol whoops his mate found his own dog half drowned in the marsh and is just chill with it. wait this has all happened in a day?? this fuckin guy. ol mates got him rugged up and getting him outta there cause he collapsed in fright from finding the nursery trashed. that’s it. like yeah its spooky but come on man. is this the climax of the movie??? we an 1hr12min in. think they’re only breifly and vaguely mentioning that to see her means a kid will die and has died - how the fuck are you supposed to make her fearsome if you declaw her and take away that which threatens people: the fact she’s out there causing kids to die. floral bed covers. are they seriously not even going to show the dead kid. they’re just chatting. and again wa– holy fuck these people shes like neeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrhhh with a hogwarts cloak on and short curly hair with that yellow face and crooked brows, and he’s got his arms over his face, eyes shut just lying on his bed screaming - fuckin close ass shots i can see up their noses. now he’s taken ill poor mate. also he’s in a different bed?? and now he’s awake and talking some whack shit. has anyone called his wife yet lol. an awesome shot of just him sleeping. and another one. who’s this lady? oh its his wife. what’s she doing here i guess they did call her ahahaha. everything is so bright and blue and white where is the deeeeeath how is any of this scary its just so much chilling out and chatting and lol bye hope you get better have fun talking men. what. the house burned down? what. ol mate seems suss. HE’S SUSS. ol mate definitely burned that shit to the ground. who knows why he didn’t really seem sold on the whole thing but ya know. now they’re wearing like any old clothes they can find. and there’s a soldier too. and they’re training off into the sunset. that woman is not old enough to be this guy’s mother. what. we have cake time. pointless pointless scenes. ooooooooooooooooooooooo he got the ptsd from the horse clackity clack. no woman with hair that perfect sleeps without it in rolls or covered, not back then lol. where’s the deatttttthhh. oooohweeerrroooooo. whats in the box in the box whats in the box todayyy. acting is always 10/10 with this guy, especially the angst and strong emotions. he really doesn’t care for actually investigating these many papers he’s got in these boxes. um. he was in his office. and then the next scene was him entering his office and hanging up his jacket in his office????? wot. THE PAPERS AREN’T IN THE FIREPLACE MATE THEY’RE OUTSIDE OF IT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD HES MAD HES SETTING THE OFFICE ON FIRE HOLY FUCKKKKKKKKK MATE. dude you are so fired. fireman is like yeah i found this jerry can of parrafin you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you. omg omg he’s attacking his boss this is so exciting. i think he’s fired lol. can’t believe he’s not been arrested. what do you tell your wife lmao. how do you get references for another job in this career. her hair is so perfect. she wants to talk, he silences her with a kiss, conversation moves on, he silences her with another kiss - typical. now they’re boating. there’s 3 minutes left. are they gonna drown. omg the jumpcuts. SHES STANDING ON WATER. SHES JESUS. ahahhahahahahAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA DEATH BY TREEEEEEEEEE and i think they did drown omg ahahah my guy, wife kid and baby. that’s fuckin dark. last literally 1 minute of the movie just kill everyone off. what a shit fest i love it.

Carly & Ali

Carly: heard from drew? Carly: long shot Ali: Ha, good one Carls Ali: God no Ali: he's AWOL? Carly: yea Carly: gimme calebs number? Carly: longer shot Ali: 'Course but doubt they're chillin' Ali: and he might act like saying his name invokes him to pop up like a demon but you know Ali: Have you spoken to Meena? Surely he's keeping her in the loop Carly: shes not picking up Carly: to me Carly: same as my mum and dad Ali: That's not like her, she's probably just busy, keep trying Ali: As for your 'rents, where have they gone? And why do you need Drew so urgent? Gah, sorry, so many questions Ali: Just go with this one, are you okay? Carly: ive been trying ages Carly: shes not on spanish time idk why she cant answer Carly: idk wot to do Carly: how do i get it to stop ?? Ali: Spain's only an hour ahead of us anyway, not an excuse Ali: I'm 8 hours ahead and I've managed Ali: get what to stop babe Carly: the crying Carly: i cant think Carly: its all it does Ali: You've had the baby Ali: how long ago? did you go to the hospital? you need to if you haven't, like now Carly: what Carly: why would i go there Carly: its over with Ali: Because you both need to be checked over Ali: its really important Ali: have you birthed the placenta? Is it all out? If not you could die Ali: Never mind if there's anything wrong with the baby Ali: Call a cab and give me your deets, I'll transfer the money now Carly: that alien shit Carly: yea Carly: it screams healthy Ali: that is a good sign but there could be something you're missing, maybe that's why its screaming? better safe than sorry, they're not allowed to ask you about shit unrelated, so if you're high, sober up and then go, yeah? Ali: When did you last do a feed? Have you been able to? They'll show you how, it can be tricky Carly: id scream if i was born here Carly: gonna be stuck Carly: sober up? i need more Carly: shit hurts dont need to tell you Ali: They'll give you stuff at the Hospital Ali: why do you think anyone goes? Ali: and fo free baby gurl! please Carly: i cant Carly: gotta be hear for when my mum rings back Carly: & drew might come Ali: Give me your mums number and I'll tell her where you are Ali: then she can ring the hospital and they'll let you know Ali: I bet Drew has a key, no? Ali: Leave a note Carly: he left it when he went Carly: threw it at me Ali: Oh bab Ali: I'm sorry Ali: but you gotta focus on you Ali: and the baby now Ali: Not him, he knows where you are Ali: I can text him if you want, or try to call Ali: I swear nothing bad will come out of it Carly: but its his Carly: and i am Carly: he should be here Ali: But he isn't Ali: maybe he'll come back but you gotta keep going 'til he does, alright? Carly: i need to find him Ali: Not right now Ali: next step Ali: he's not lost, he doesn't want to be found Ali: i know that's harsh but its the truth Ali: he'll come back when he's ready, alright? Carly: what about me Carly: im not ready Carly: he doesnt care Carly: why should i Ali: he cares about himself Ali: AT LEAST do that Ali: if you can't the baby then the people at the hospital will help with that too Ali: you can't just leave it Ali: boy or girl? Carly: its a girl Carly: another one Carly: hes gonna be mad Ali: I don't think he's salty about not having a male heir babe Ali: If you really won't go...I'll do my best to tell you what I know and I'll send you links Ali: we'll do our best health check and then you've got to try to feed her, yeah? Is that okay? Carly: mad that shes here Carly: i said i wasnt having one Carly: you want me to read? cant hear myself think Ali: But you were Ali: and if you were doing it without protection then he was fully aware it was a possibility Ali: I'll voice memo you then Ali: it'll stop the crying Carly: he says its not his Carly: maybe not Carly: idk Carly: its got blood on it but could look like him when thats gone Ali: He said that to me when it definitely was so kind of his go to Ali: but even if it isn't, doesn't mean he has to be a dick to you about it Ali: Its not right regardless Ali: Especially not when you're alone Carly: how do i make it sleep Carly: im tired Carly: should i sing? Ali: That might help yeah Ali: Skin to skin to, that's comforting Ali: Lemme break down how you feed it, yeah? Hold on Carly: i cant pick it up what if i drop it fuck no Carly: gotta stay where it is Ali: You won't Ali: its your baby, its safer with you than it is on the floor Ali: get a towel, that'll keep it warm and put it to your chest Ali: [Sends 38 sec video] okay, if that's easier this vid shows you how but I'm here to talk you through Carly: all the towels are wet Carly: it can have my tshirt thats warm Ali: Good idea, see Ali: you know what you're doing Ali: you've got this Carly: its too small Carly: i have to put it back down Carly: ill hurt it Carly: fuming about me coming near it Ali: She's just hungry and confused Ali: Understandable, right? Dunno about you but I'd be pretty fucked off too if I'd just been pushed out my nice comfy home of the last 9 months Ali: You'll be her best friend in my time at all Carly: id put it back if i could Carly: whyd you wanna do this 3 times Ali: 'Cos I'm a bossy bitch and I want underlings to do my bidding and I get to tell 'em what to do Ali: speaking of, time for your masterclass Ali: get her and get comfy on the sofa or your bed or wherever is bed Ali: best Carly: k Carly: shes heavy wtf Ali: That's good! You did a good job cooking her then Ali: and if she's a lil chunk, this should be easier Carly: shes small but im sleepy Ali: you can both take a snooze when this is done, usually conks 'em right out Ali: is your tiddy out? Carly: knew you fancied me Ali: you know Ali: getting in there while your defenses are down Carly: im single Carly: you too Ali: Lets do it mama Ali: cutest fam ever? i think so Carly: shes not cute like yours Carly: weird coloured thing Ali: she's probably covered in the gunk and pink from screaming her head off Ali: no ones finest hour i bet she's beautiful Carly: ill get it to take a selfie Ali: yay! get it on the nip 'cos i gotta see my boo too 😍 Ali: line her nose up with your nip, kinda tickle her top lip with it, she should open her mouth wide Ali: then you can shove it in Carly: done that before Carly: weird Carly: [Sends pic of tiny baby Indie] Carly: does she look like him idk Ali: Definitely Ali: Looks a bit like Edie Carly: ill send him the pic Carly: probs should take a better one Carly: how do i look? Ali: Like you've just given birth Ali: so a goddess Ali: but a knackered one Carly: youve got a fetish Carly: cant trust that Ali: me??? Ali: didn't impregnate myself Ali: look at Caleb! Carly: and drew Carly: wont see him Ali: Clearly its his thing too Ali: but he's more about the before than after yeah Ali: he can't stay away forever Ali: he wouldn't leave Meena Carly: youre smart Carly: if i go there he cant avoid me Ali: Exactly Ali: Camp out Ali: Ana will help you with the baby shit if you like Carly: why Carly: she doesnt know me Ali: Because she's a good person Ali: plus she's a social worker, it what she do Ali: and she knows Drew better than most, she raised him Ali: worth a shot Carly: shes not his mum Carly: but she can take this kid Ali: yeah she's better than Ali: is that what you want? Ali: she'll discuss it with you, make sure you both get what's best Carly: im not talking to her Carly: she can take it or not Ali: No one will just take her with no questions asked Carls Ali: for your welfare and the kids Carly: im not answering a social workers questions Ali: They're not entitled to judge you Ali: She won't Ali: and as far as drugs are concerned, if you want to give the baby up then literally none of their business at all after that Ali: and if you did decide to keep her then they work with you Ali: they're not gonna just shop you, it ain't like that Carly: make me go to rehab is how its like Carly: fuck no Ali: They can't make you Ali: there's no point Ali: you can only get sober if that's what you want Carly: my mum and dad'll make me Carly: i know theyre gonna Ali: well, where the fuck are they now? Ali: if they're so concerned about you they'd be here Ali: actually supporting you Carly: theyll come when they find out about her Carly: i never told them Ali: Good, I hope they do Ali: but how did that happen Ali: how could I see and they didn't Ali: or Drew Carly: they dont come back Carly: drew did see thats why he left Ali: yeah but they must talk to you Ali: your mum has obviously been there how did she not clock something being up Ali: and not soon enough in Drew's case Carly: i call them if i need money Carly: they gotta think its why im calling now Ali: When do they call you? Carly: if i call and they didnt pick up Carly: unless theyre busy Ali: I see Ali: how's she doing? done feeding? Carly: sleeping Carly: how are yours? Ali: best feeling ever, right? Ali: much the same, its late here Ali: I'm pulling an all-nighter lowkey, finishing up some work Carly: i miss junie Carly: whatever your on for it gimme some Ali: i'd be creepy and snap him sleeping but no doubt the flash would wake his highness Ali: he misses you too, i'll get him to facetime Carly: aw Carly: go work bitch Carly: i shouldnt kept you this long Ali: don't be daft Ali: queen of multitasking Ali: and not just junie who misses you is it Ali: #massiveLESBIANcrush Carly: my tits are gonna go down Carly: snap me up now Ali: Trying, like Ali: make it facebook official Ali: that'll get the lads attention ey Ali: why else do it Carly: yea Carly: my parents too probs Carly: lapsed catholics Ali: be on the next plane over to get you back on the dick like Ali: i'll get on it #longdistancelesbians Ali: my ex gonna be so mad Carly: mine too Carly: wtf am i gonna do Carly: I dont want him to be an ex Ali: even though he's fucked you over like this? Carly: i fucked him over first Carly: i lied Ali: not really Ali: if anything, you lied to yourself Ali: but you didn't wanna hear it, couldn't Ali: and that makes sense Carly: cant block it out any more Carly: fuck Ali: it gets really real really fast Ali: doesn't it Ali: but you have got this Ali: i've got you, however i can, yeah? Carly: i dont want it to be Carly: i dont want it Carly: i cant do this Ali: okay, that's okay too Ali: but she isn't going to just go Ali: whether it was getting an abortion earlier or what you have to do now Ali: you have to do something Ali: there's no quick fix for it Ali: ana can get you in touch with the right people who will make it as easy as they can for you and her Ali: or my mum Carly: if i leave her she'll get found Carly: why does nobody ever call me back wtf Ali: Yeah but they'll still try to find you Ali: or Drew Ali: and his DNA will be on the system so Ali: and I reckon if they got to him, he'd sell you out Ali: when's the last time you slept? Carly: idk Carly: what day is it Ali: Tuesday Carly: sunday Carly: saturday Carly: idk Ali: fuck girl Ali: you shoulda been banking up on it before Carly: ha Carly: easy fix Carly: need my dealer Ali: not if your gonna be breastfeeding Ali: unless he gonna bring formula too Carly: i can go myself for that Carly: get a car Ali: you getting enough cash in, yeah? Carly: ha no Carly: no student loans for this bitch Ali: you'll have to look into getting help with that Ali: there's funds and shit, i'll find out the info Ali: that or tap Drew up for child maintenance Carly: yea cos hes declaring his earnings Carly: i wish hed talk to me Ali: exactly, bribe him like Ali: he's got a lot to lose Carly: hed never forgive me Carly: i cant Ali: but you can forgive him for all he does? Ali: got it bad honey Carly: yea Carly: its fucked Ali: is there anything he could do to make you stop loving him Carly: idk Carly: why Ali: cos you'd be happier if you didn't Ali: right Ali: like, he treats you like shit Carly: i wasnt happy before Carly: & he hasnt this whole time Carly: it got bad Carly: me too Ali: but you could be Ali: you don't have to give up hope of ever being Ali: and he did for the majority of the time though, that should outweigh the good Carly: with what Carly: this kid Carly: im not you Ali: no Ali: of being happy Ali: with just you Ali: or someone else who treats you better Carly: i dont have a job or friends here and i live in a caravan Carly: not gonna happen Ali: you can get both Ali: you're cool Carly: ha Carly: youre dreaming Carly: fucked the allnighter Ali: i'm not the only one Ali: and why not? Carly: drew says im a junkie Ali: what does he know Ali: and anyway, functioning junkie Ali: shits possible Carly: he knows me Carly: he loved me til i fucked it Ali: you haven't DONE anything Ali: a baby happened to you BOTH Ali: you're both reacting, right or wrong now, whatever Ali: and he probably still does but Ali: love ain't always enough Carly: why are you my friend? Ali: I said, you're cool Ali: funny, smart, nice, you already know i fancy you so no need to kiss arse any more, yeah? Ali: you're SO friendable, babe Carly: shoulda fallen for you Ali: yeah well, the tragedy of being straight and feelings not following logic Ali: sometimes, you gotta fuck feelings tho, do right by yourself Carly: i dont feel anything when he isnt here Carly: nothing happens Carly: cept today Ali: make stuff happen Ali: its only chaos darling Carly: youre not here either Carly: what am i gonna make happen on my own Carly: this shit Carly: idk Ali: what do you wanna make happen Ali: anything, however unlikely you think it is Carly: i want him to come back Carly: my parents too Carly: but none of them are Ali: can't control other people nah but you can do all YOU can to make it happen Ali: what would make him come back? who would he wanna be with? and you can try to talk to your 'rents and tell them what is up...longshot but maybe they don't realise how shitty they're being Carly: they're not Carly: theyre busy Carly: and im not a kid Ali: busy with what? Ali: living it up in spain? Ali: they kept you, you're their kid for life Ali: they don't get to peace at 16, 18 whatever the fuck Carly: they didnt vanish Carly: i know where they are Ali: yeah but they should be here rn Ali: you need them Ali: maybe if you ask, when they answer, they will come back Ali: i'm not slagging on 'em, its just facts Carly: i dont want to go live in spain Carly: fact is theyll try and force me Ali: well, they can't make ya, tell them why you wanna stay here Ali: they could still be supportive Ali: even if they're not physically with you every day like Carly: they wont let me stay for him Ali: okay...make something more parent friendly up then Ali: what they don't know won't hurt 'em Carly: youre so smart Ali: so i've been told Ali: with varying levels of sarcasm Carly: yea Carly: same Ali: You are though Ali: One of the many reasons we get along Carly: youre such a mum Carly: bigging me up like Ali: s'what i do best right Ali: shoulda been a cheerleader, fucking irish schools not letting me shine Carly: thats what schools do best Carly: be shit Ali: true dat Ali: even if my uni is pretty swish Ali: and full of nerds like me Carly: looks it Ali: still, miss the homeland like Carly: switch places Carly: shes crying again what does she want this time Carly: headfuck Ali: think its a bit too early for her to have shat, maybe wee but Ali: probably wanting her next feed Ali: you do it roughly every 2 hours for the first month Carly: ffs Carly: howd you get anything done with 3 of them Ali: ask myself the same question Ali: luckily they're not all on the tit 'cos form an orderly queue lads Carly: not getting my tit out again Ali: its that or formula run to get her to stop crying Carly: i cant put her in the car Carly: she'd fall out Ali: that solves that then honey Ali: get 'em out get 'em out get 'em out Carly: perv Ali: 🤷 Ali: single mum, gotta get my kicks where i can yo Carly: get fucked Carly: not offering Carly: one of the nerds would be up for it Ali: no need to tell me Ali: desperation station Ali: bless 'em Carly: do you go to class with your shoulders and knees out Ali: its boiling here, not even trying to be a shameless hussy Ali: can't be swooning erryday, got places to be, shitty bums to wipe Carly: yea Carly: cant steal that excuse myself Ali: sadly not Ali: can use breastfeeding though Ali: you're just out here feeding ya kid, looking hot as a by-product, fight me world Carly: don't Carly: how is this happening Carly: im looking at her and idk Ali: i can't believe you did it all by yourself Ali: you're a right tough nut Ali: but you don't have to keep doing it alone Carly: but i have to do something Carly: wtf Ali: yeah, keep both of yas alive until you figure out your next step Carly: make it sound simple Ali: 'course Ali: i'll allow you some melodrama but i can't claim hormones as hard Carly: u can Carly: and homesickness Ali: alright, lets have a good sob Carly: this kids done enough Carly: has you beat bitch Ali: rude Ali: already winning fresh out the womb Carly: what you naming it Carly: said you would Ali: you're serious? Carly: idc Ali: probs think on that a bit longer, whether you wanna name her or nah Ali: but my lists be ready don't fret Carly: k

VINELAND ISLAND ( VINESAUCE’S TOMODACHI LIFE ) SENTENCE PACK!

Feel free to change pronouns!

“You bet.” “And here I am, just in the midst of all this crap.” “Is it first kiss? No? Shit.” “I’m Toothpaste.” “This fuckin thing.” “I think I found a match. I think it’s gonna be [insert name], they’re gonna have a baby.” “Which one?” “Well, you are... Forty.” “Perfect.” “I just gave her a bunch of shitty food.” “He looks Spanish.” “Good.” “He’s a perfect member of our town.” “So she friendzoned me.” “I hope it’s a long, fruitful friendship.” “Wow, okay.” “Well, you two are sweethearts, no?” “It’s a bad omen.” “This is a Klingon?” “Awww, that is a horrible voice.” “Why? Who are you in love with?” “I’m not cryin’... There’s just some water on my face...” “Don’t ever talk to me again, [insert name], we’re done.” “A mobile rom corruptor for iOs.” “This jerkoff just playing his stupid guitar in his stupid music room.” “Both at the same time.” “Refuse, [Insert Name], refuse.” “Rejected! TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?!” “What the fuck did you buy him?” “Maximum sadness achieved.” “I don’t know about [insert name] being an optimist.” “What’s goin’ on with you?” “Yes, you SHOULD.” “Oh my God. Oh my sweet, everloving Christ. What have I done?” “What was taking this picture? A fucking security drone?” “With that voice, you could be a singer.” “Stahp. STAHP.” “YOU should propose to HIM.” “Please don’t hit it off, please don’t hit it off.” “Yes! I mean... Awwww...” “Is this a male or a female?” “You’ve gotta tell ‘im.” “Look, they’re so perfect together.” “You son of a bitch.” “Woah, I just spent $500.00 on a dress.” “You like your new home, asshole?” ”You will be punished.” “His flesh will only live if he is encased in pure ice.” “This is a new level of shitty voice.” “Here’s a $500.00 dress.” “Do you see how I treat you?” “I guess he’s green.” “You---” “He saved up to buy candy corn.” “Are you kidding me, [insert name], is that the best you could do?” “It’s time to get a divorce.” “I think I might evict [insert name] at some point.” “Are we seeing a divorce?” “Oh my God.” “You should.” “[Insert name] is gonna have some really weird like, bastard child.” “This marriage will last forever, don’t worry.” “If this funny face isn’t outstanding, then you’re getting removed from this town.” “OH, SHIT!” “Sick burn! Oh my God, we got burned so hard.” “See, I don’t care.” “We have to exterminate the memes.” “To the buvvins they go.” “It’s gonna end with me nuking their home somehow.” “Oh, [insert name], you’re gonna cast a spell on him.” “I saw it, it too. I see what’s happening.” “That’s what he does, he go-gets.” “Goin’ straight to hell, if there is one.” “Of course [insert name] is there.” “This could’ve been my life.” “You fucking wot?” “What do you need it for?” “Woah.” “What the FUCK just happened?” “It saves me the trouble!” “This is Dimension One.” “This is the face of someone who can split dimensions asunder.” “I hope [insert name] is his best man.” “He is not pleased.” “This is heavy shit, man.” “Shit, [insert name] can’t help.” “EVERYONE’S DEAD.” “No, I didn’t say anything.” “The love is too strong, the BOND is too strong.” “He contemplates how he can leave his house and cause a ruckus, and infiltrate MY life.” “So, now we have three JAHN in the town.” “Why is everyone thinking about fucking?!” “Why is [insert name] in town?” “[Insert name] is gonna have to raise this baby alone.” “Redheads or a fucking roundy, baldy-heady TWAT?!” “[Insert name] got the pussy game!” “The Sloppy Seconds Brothers.” “And now, I kinda hate him...” “Dong has stolen the happy times.” “Kinda feel bad for [insert name] now.” “It’s like the end of Gladiator.” “Our tests have proven that was a lie.” “It’s STILL happening!” “She let [insert name] sweep her away from the one she loved the most.” “Oh my GOD, this is GUT WRENCHING.” “Jesus FUCKING Christ.” “No, I don’t actually.” “He was only nineteen years old, and he already had a child.” “BOTH just out relationships.” “He’s an artiste.” “ANOTHER BABY?!” “You’re gonna be a doctor, no matter what.” “Just looking at graphs, TPS reports...” “WOW.” “The world must know of this glorious man.” “She loves the Jahn’s so much, that now she’s trying to be one of them.” “She became a Jahn fanboy.” “Yeah, rub some fuckin’ peas up in there.” “She is STUNNING.” “And thus, a new journey begins for [insert name].” “I may have sabotaged this.” “You’re making a mistake.” “You’ve been this... Massive, MASSIVE ASSHOLE lately.” “Yeah, what does that even mean?” “Yeah, I’ll fucking say.” “Are you asking me if you’re mad, or?” “I don’t know which Jahn is which.” “The pact is sealed.” “Get that groose loose, fix this shit.” “[Insert name], do you fuckin’ ever do ANYTHING right?!” “This is PROOF that relationships can work.” “Got it.” “Love has come to town.” “The more telling thing is who was NOT invited to this wedding.” “I can fix this.” “Fully erased.” “But, um, he said that if I was...” “I could’ve sworn there was another islander in this apartment.” “I don’t know why you’d wanna be friends with [insert name].” “Talk about alien things.” “You know, how to cut someone open without using a knife, for example.” “She’s twenty, kids.” “We gotta send more memes to the Meme Lord.” “I must feed my Jahns.” “How --- how may I serve?” “I distinctly remember another person living here.” “Nothing sinister going on. Right, [insert name]?” “Ah, yes. The plans.” “So that you can blend in.” “A mild-mannered Lumberjack.” “Dana Scully?” “When did Mulder and Scully get here?” “I feel like a weight has been lifted off my mind.” “It turns out the Jahns were looking for some chicken cutlets.” “There is apparently one hold-out.” “He apparently wants to be human.” “So, I’m gonna let ‘im stay.” “Don’t worry about that, it’s stupid.” “From what I understand, a number of us are dead.” “He’s a little fucked in the head right now, but he’s gonna be okay.” “You’re not fuckin’ fooling me.” “Okay, so you think you’re hiding it from us?” “Maybe [insert name] wants to go home.” “Are they referring to his incident in the theater?” “Guys, is that a bird of prey?” “SCREW YOU, [INSERT NAME], I GOT [INSERT ANOTHER NAME]!!”