doodles from the past week of trying to listening to ep link ill get to the second half at some point idk

translation by haranami_

15/08/18 2:32

Wow I actually never thought I’d stoop to get this basic you know. You know when you think about doing something for so long but you keep putting it off out of fear of humiliation? yeah this is one of those things, its either going to be the most beneficial thing ive ever done or the most pointless use of my time. Anyway, I think the reason why ive randomly decided to do this (other than sleep deprivation) is I just was a collection of my own thoughts? ew that sounded less gross in my head, that moment was sort of like when youre watching a movie and like one of the main characters say the title of the movie you know? Oh well back to my point, I used to write down everything i thought right, i have books and books of everything ive felt or done, stacked up somewhere with just pages and pages of pure trash really. Like some entries are in depth thoughts like the usual things, teenage angst, heart ache, stress at work; and some of it is just doodles, things that ive thought of based on a feeling. You know when you have a feeling and an image pops into your head? that might just be me but its something like that. Either way, some are long and some are short but its good to get stuff down. 

I wont lie to you ive had a pretty shit time of it recently, i dont particuarly like discussing break ups but its no secret that they do mess with your head. I wont go to any deatails, just cause i dont really wanna give him the satisfaction of being in my head at 3 am for no reason other than I had a really good day today with a very special person and im left here still felling guilty. For what? being happy really. Well that was a trend in the relationship. if he wasnt happy i couldnt be and if i wasnt happy it was belittled because everyone has bad days. Whatever, dont let anyone make your happiness feel unjustified.

On the topic of happiness; it occured to me today that obviously everyones main goal in life is to be happy isnt it? So if you asked someone, oh what do you want out of life, some will say money, some will say love, some will say a good job but at the end of the day, why do they want those things? because itd make them happy. But what i thought was, what would make me happy? The love thing, that sounds good, bit cliche but doable. Not in the traditional sense of boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. I mean I want to be able to have love in myself, i dont hate myself or anything like that, but i feel like if you love yourself then who actually gives a shit about what anyone else thinks. cringe. 

Anyways, rant over. Also i wanna learn a new word every day so my word today is gonna be ‘Vitriolic’ which means like mean, distructive. idk my mum said it.  Currently listening to: the smiths some girls are bigger than others.

they wont all be this long, swear 

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee x