Week 13 - June 25th, 2023 'Lean Me Right - From Brave' - Birdy, Mumford & Sons Spotify / YouTube

A moment to enjoy the galaxy around him, connect fully and let his worries wash away with the tides, let the shifting sands help him regain his footing. Deep breaths everyone. 

Enjoy!

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Payback ~Hiccup x Reader smut for anon~

So can I request reader teasing hiccup a lot and in the end a lot of smut with Dom! hiccup and dirty talk and the next day they're in bed starting round 2 👀👀 but the others walk on them and hiccup gets very protective??

Taglist: @belleknows

Your name: submit What is this?

You were definitely in for it now. The look on Hiccup’s face told you so. You’d been teasing him all day and he's about to make you pay for it.

The reason for your teasing started when you woke up in bed alone...again. You often had to beg Hiccup to stay in bed with you in the mornings but he seemed to always want to get up and go to the forge or get right to training. You, on the other hand, preferred to sleep in for a few extra hours and be cuddled until you were rested enough to start the day. But once again, you awoke to Hiccup’s empty side of the bed. It was cold, indicating that he had left even before the sun was up. You groaned and sat up, rubbing your eyes and figuring out how you were gonna get back at Hiccup. Once you were freshened up and dressed, you headed towards the dome where you assumed Hiccup would be training with the others. When you arrived, you found him surprisingly alone with Toothless. He looked up when he heard you coming and gave you a warm smile. “Morning milady.” He greeted you. Instead of responding, you strode towards him quickly and threw yourself into his arms. Hiccup let out a surprised moan as your lips met his. His arms wrapped around you as your hands caressed his face. His eyes fluttered closed and you tangled your fingers in his hair, lightly tugging just how he likes it. As soon as you felt Hiccup’s hands start to slide lower on your body, you pulled back, shoved his hands away from you, raised one eyebrow at him slyly, and turned to walk away from him. “W-wha-?” He stuttered. You glimpsed his confused expression before you walked briskly back out of the training area.

You didn’t expect Hiccup to follow you and he didn’t. He found you a few hours later in the mead hall talking with Fishlegs. Fishlegs was talking about his work perfecting Gronkle iron for some new weapons. You had actually been listening until you saw Hiccup stroll in. You grinned as an idea came to you. You quickly sat up and tucked your legs under you so your ass stuck out more. You waited until Hiccup looked your way and then leaned forward sticking your chest out. Fishlegs’ eyes immediately glanced down at your newly exposed cleavage but, being a shy gentleman, he cleared his throat and looked away just as fast. Hiccup noticed it though and his face turned pink when you looked up and winked. Everything was working out nicely.

This time, you knew Hiccup was following you. He kept a good distance, not wanting to look suspicious. But the way you left the mead hall, the way you deliberately swished your hips so the skirt you were wearing flipped up, he had to follow behind you. You were teasing him and he couldn’t help but fall into every single trap you set for him. You led him through the trees towards your secret spot. He knew this path. The two of you had snuck off here plenty of times. He could find this place blindfolded if he had to. But this time he just followed your graceful movements as you led him deeper and deeper into the forest. He watched as you entered the clearing. He looked behind him to make sure he hadn’t been followed while he was preoccupied with watching you. When he turned back, he gasped. You had completely stripped down and were wading slowly into the shallow water of the clearing. Hiccup felt himself get hot and he swallowed hard, tugging at the collar of his shirt. His pants grew tighter the longer he stared at you. The two of you had bathed in that water together many times and he thought back to the first time you let him take you right there in that glen.

He was brought out of his thoughts when he heard you call his name. “It’s rude to stare at a lady while she’s bathing, Hiccup.” You purred. You turned to him, water dripping down your full chest. Hiccup felt his mouth water just looking at you. “You mind if I join you?” He asked, breathlessly. You grinned and beckoned him with your finger. Hiccup stripped down and waded into the water with you. When he got close, you pulled him into another kiss. He hummed against your mouth and began to kiss down your neck. “Hiccup..” You sighed. Hiccup hummed against you again and you felt him get harder as his hips pressed to yours. “I think you’re teasing me milady, and I don’t know why.” Hiccup murmured, his face still in your neck. You pulled back and looked at him. “You haven’t figured it out yet?” You asked, innocently. Hiccup’s confusion showed on his face. “Well, my love, I think...” You leaned close like you were about to kiss him. “I think I should leave you here to figure it out.” You finished, grinning. You pushed away from Hiccup and leapt from the water. You snatched up your clothes and his and charged back through the trees. You giggled as he yelled after you. You chucked his clothes behind you, scattering them, and pulled your own on as you continued to run. You had a good head start on Hiccup and you were counting on his confusion and arousal to slow him down.

You made it back to the house and slammed the door shut behind you. You were up the stairs and trying to find a place to hide when you heard the door burst open. Hiccup was faster than you had expected. You let out a squeak of surprise when you heard him shout your name. You didn’t have time to hide before he was up the stairs and pulling you into his arms. “You’ve teased me enough today. What’s the deal??” He growled, his lips attacking your neck. You gasped as you felt his teeth graze your skin. “You keep...leaving me in bed...alone!” You sighed. Hiccup’s grip tightened on your hips and he let out a frustrated growl. “That’s why you’ve been teasing me all day?!” He walked you back until your legs hit the bed, causing you to fall backwards onto it. Hiccup stood up straight and began pulling off his clothes, keeping his eyes on you. “This was payback, Hiccup. You always make me wake up alone.” You answered quietly. Once he was fully naked, Hiccup grabbed your legs and yanked your bottoms down. “Payback, huh?” Hiccup pushed your knees apart and sank down between them. “We’ll see about that.” He muttered.

Hiccup’s mouth attached to your clit, sucking and flicking it with his tongue. Your back arched and your hands flew to his hair, tugging on his soft braids. “Hiccup....” you breathlessly whispered. His name was replaced with moans as his lips devoured you hungrily. His hands reached up and began to twist your nipples. You cried out as bucked your hips against his face, urging him to keep going. “Gods...Hiccup! That feels so good!” You moaned loudly. Hiccup grunted against you as you tugged his hair harder. The only sounds were your moans and the wetness of his mouth on you.

Suddenly Hiccup pulled back and stood up. You didn’t have a chance to protest before he was grabbing your arms and yanking you to your feet. “Turn around and bend over.” Hiccup grunted, his eyes staring into yours, daring you to refuse him. You were so surprised by his attitude that you didn’t move. Frustrated by you not listening to him, Hiccup spun you around and pushed on your back so you were now bent over the bed. You jumped as you felt him land a sharp smack on your ass. His hand twisted in your hair and yanked your head up before landing another smack to your ass. “I thought I told you-” *smack* “-to turn around and bend over.” He growled. He leaned down close to your ear, his warm breath tickling your neck. “You really wanna disobey your chief, Y/N?” He questioned. You whimpered and shook your head. “N-no Hiccup..” You cried out as he spanked you again. “That’s not how you address the chief, Y/N. Do it properly this time.” He demanded. “I-I’m sorry, my chief. I didn’t mean to.” You whimpered, your ass stinging deliciously. “That’s better.”

Hiccup let go of your hair just long enough to line his hard cock up with your dripping pussy. You moaned softly as he rubbed the head up and down, nudging your clit. Hiccup gave you no warning before shoving into you. The two of you moaned loudly together and Hiccup immediately fell into a rhythm. The bed creaked beneath you as Hiccup pounded into you. His hands gripped your ass and he pulled you back into him as he thrust forward, ensuring he was as deep in you as possible. You balled the sheets in your fists, the corner of your pillow clenched between your teeth. You felt so full and Hiccup was pounding you so hard you were sure there would be bruises on your thighs in the morning. You could hear him moaning your name, grunting out how tight and wet you were around him. You couldn’t even focus on anything except how good Hiccup felt inside you. “H-Hiccup....please..d-don’t stop!” You begged. Hiccup groaned when he heard you whimper out his name like that. “Does it feel good, Y/N? You like how your chief is just taking you like a whore?” His words made you clench around him again and you nodded quickly, nearly sobbing with pleasure. “Yes!! Oh yes, my chief!! I love it when you take me like this! Please don’t stop!”

Hiccup smacked your ass a few more times before tightening his grip on it. “You’re close, princess. I can feel you squeezing me.” Hiccup moaned. He somehow managed to speed up and fuck you even faster than before. You screamed as your orgasm coursed through you. Hiccup continued to fuck you after you had collapsed among the blankets. All you could do is hold on as he used you to bring about his own release.

His thrust became more sloppy and slower as he came inside you. He collapsed against your back, holding you to him. The two of you were panting heavily and your eyes were too heavy to stay open anymore.

~The next morning~

You awoke the next morning and were surprised to see Hiccup next to you. “Good morning, milady.” He said, propping himself up on one elbow. “You stayed in bed this time.” You joked. Hiccup shrugged. “I figured I should spend more time in bed with you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m neglecting you.” He admitted. You smiled at him and pulled him into a kiss. It quickly heated up as his hands quickly roamed over your body. You grinned and gently nibbled on Hiccup’s bottom lip. “Take me again, my chief.” You murmured. You felt Hiccup harden at your words. “As you wish, milady.”

You and Hiccup were completely wrapped in each other’s arms, your legs wrapped around his waist and his hands tangled in your hair as he rolled his hips against yours. The house was filled with the sounds of your love-making. But somehow that wasn’t enough to deter your unwelcome guests.

“HEY GUYS!!” You both looked up to see the rest of the Dragon Riders piling into your bedroom. You screamed and yanked the blanket up to try and cover you both as much as possible. “What the fuck are you doing here?!” Hiccup shouted. Snotlout and the twins raised their hands in surrender as Fishlegs blushed and avoided eye contact with the two of you. “We were wondering what was taking so long.” Ruffnut admitted. Hiccup smacked his forehead and groaned. “Get the fuck out! We’re clearly busy! And keep your eyes to yourself before I poke them out for looking.” He growled. Seeing Hiccup aggressive and very protective like this turned you on even more and you couldn’t wait for the others to leave so he could finish ravishing you. The other Riders were apparently too shocked to move. “GET OUT!!” Hiccup shouted, throwing the hardest object he could reach across the room to scare them. The Riders quickly got the message and scurried from the house. Hiccup rolled his eyes, sighing. “Sorry about that. Now where were we?” He asked, turning back to you. You giggled and pulled him back down into a kiss, letting him make love to you all morning long.

Again, and Again, and Again

Pairings: Kylo x Reader

Genre/Ratings: dance!AU, warning for a short but uncomfortable sexual situation

Words: 7,500

Summary: You dance your way into Kylo Ren’s life, and suddenly you never want to dance back out. Literally based on a dream I had, and then I went overboard with it, per usual. Enjoy!

“Hey.” A boy is standing by the door to the dance studio, all in black, including his messy head of curls. “You’re Y/N, right?”

“Um.” You stop in front of him, hiking your dance bag farther up onto your shoulder. “Yes? Can I help you?”

“I was just supposed to catch you before class.” He pulls out his phone and unlocks it, apparently checking the time. “I’ll let my director explain.”

Director? “I have to warm up.” You gesture to the open door leading into the studio. “Sorry.”

‘Aw, come on. Give us two minutes. Promise it’ll be worth your while.”

You raise an eyebrow. “More than the pulled ankle I’ll get for not warming up?”

“Definitely. Well, probably. Maybe. Possibly.”

“Kylo, stop terrorizing the talent.” A girl walks up beside him and shoulders him with her backpack. “You’re such a menace.”

“Guilty.” He smacks the girl back lightly, whose got her hair pulled back into this tri-bun thingy. Looks cool. Not that you could ever pull it off, you think self-consciously, touching the bun wound tightly on the back of your head. That’s about the only hairstyle you know to do.

“So.” She turns to you and smiles. “Y/N, right?”

“Again, yes.” She holds out a hand for you to shake, and you tentatively take it.

“I’m Rey. Pleasure to meet you. And this oaf,” she jabs the guy next to her with an elbow, “is Kylo. Ignore him, he’s not right in the head.”

You glance into your classroom, which is beginning to fill with other dancers stretching out their legs and lacing their shoes. “This is really making me want to stick around and figure out why you’re cornering me.”

“Okay, okay, fair enough. I’m Rey,” she repeats. “I’m another art student here. Directing major. We’re doing short films as a senior project, and I need a dancer. According to everyone in the department, you’re the girl for me.”

Hm. “What kind of dance?”

“Pointe.” She grins, and points to the shoes tied to the strap of your bag. “Am I in the right place?”

You laugh a little. “Yeah, I’ve been en pointe since I was like, seven? But I’ve never been in a film before. I don’t know how to act.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I want the dancing to be the main focus. There’ll be a little acting, but you’ll be surrounded by acting majors. I’m sure they can give you a hand. And Kylo here would be your partner, so he can help too.”

You glance at him- Kylo- and appraise him. “You a dancer?”

He grins a little sheepishly. “Um, no. Not really. But they needed someone strong and handsome to throw you into the air a couple times.”

Well, he does look strong underneath the black leather jacket. And handsome- well, you weren’t going to look him over too closely right here and now, but he’s not too bad on the eyes from where you’re standing. You finger a piece of pink ribbon trailing off your shoes, wrapping it around your knuckle and unwinding it again. “What’s in it for me?”

“Free food at the shoot, my eternal adoration, and a resume credit.”

You look sideways at Rey, who has a hopeful expression on her face. If she wants a ballerina, you probably are the most qualified in the department. Plus, this isn’t something you’ve ever done before. Might be fun.

“Okay.” You nod. “I’ll do it. Do you need my email?”  

“Oh, yeah, please.” She hands you her phone and you key in your name, number, and email. “I’ll contact you soon, okay?”

“Sure.” You give them both a little wave, ducking your head when Kylo waves back, and head into the studio with a bit of a smile on your face.

…

“Okay, so here’s what I’m thinking.” Rey is leading you an Kylo through the trees on no apparent path, pushing aside foliage and tramping through leaves with big ol’ hiking boots. Kylo doesn’t seem bothered in his similarly chunky combat boots, but your dainty little ballet flats are taking a bit of a beating. Luckily you’re good at walking on your toes. “You’re running through the forest, there’s a wide tracking shot following both of you coming from opposite directions, until you meet… here.”

She stops and surveys a clearing she’s just come to, dropping her camera bag onto a nearby branch so it dangles from the tree. You hike up beside her and stop, nearly bumping into her. She turns to you and grins. “Whatcha think?”

You’re prepared to put on a fake smile and tell her it’s nice, but it’s actually really pretty. It’s a pond, shallow by the looks of it but enough to reflect the trees branching out over it from the banks. There’s even a few growing from the middle of the water, giving it a ethereal feel. When Kylo crouches down and runs his fingers through the water, his hand can touch the bottom. You look around, but any ground you can see is covered in brambles. “So… where are we dancing?”

She looks up from her camera innocently. “In the water.”

“…oh.” You glance over at Kylo, sure he’ll be returning your odd look, but he just looks at you and shrugs. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“I’ve done weirder.”

“I… haven’t.” You’ve only ever performed in concert venues. Or practice spaces. You put a hand to your forehead, shading the sun from your eyes, wondering how in the world you’re going to be en pointe in the middle of a freaking lake.

“It’s okay if you can’t.” Rey is still fiddling with presumably her camera settings. “I don’t really know how, like, pointe shoes work? It’s pretty muddy.” She glances at the little lake. “So if they won’t survive or something I have another location picked out. But I’d really prefer this one.”

You sigh, toeing the water. New things. We’re doing new things here. “No, I think I can make it work.”

“Sweet. I just wanna get some test shots, you game?” You look at Kylo, who just shrugs again, takes off his socks and shoes, and steps into the water.

You laugh at his expression, all twisted up and cringing a little. “It’s a little… squishy,” he admits, wading his way to the middle.

“Your jeans are getting wet,” you say, still hovering near the edge.

“Come on, miss ballerina.” He holds out a hand and you take it tentatively. “The light is better out here.”

“Haha.” The few times you’ve met before now he’s always teasing you about being a priss or a princess or wanting the spotlight. Annoying, but harmless. You step out to meet him, trying not to wince at the thought of your satin pink pointe shoes being ruined in the mud. “You’ve really done weirder than this?”

“Mmm, maybe equal to? Acting majors man,” he points at himself jokingly. “The things we do for our art.”

“Huh.” He still hasn’t let go of your hand, and you’re grateful for it. If you’re jumping out of your comfort zone, at least someone’s there with you.

“Oh, that’s perfect.” Rey is looking through her viewfinder. “You guys look so good together!” Which of course immediately makes you want to step as far away from him as possible, but instead he grabs your other hand and pulls you a bit closer, making you look more couple-y. “Peeeeerfect.”

Kylo must catch your uncomfortable look, because he leans in and whispers in your ear “You know we’re playing a couple, right?”

You smile a bit. “Yeah, I know, I’m just… the boring, stick in the mud dancer. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Well that’s what art is all about right?” You look at him. His brown eyes are warm. “Trying new things. Doing weird shit.”

That does make you laugh. “I guess.”

“Well, that’s good, ‘cause you know you’re choreographing, right?”

You turn to Rey, wide eyed. “I’m what now?”

….

“Okay. Okay!” You reserved a practice room for the two of you to dance in, but now the empty space filled with mirrors is giving you anxiety. You typically do what the choreographers tell you, not make up your own stuff. “Rey, tell me again what you want?”

She’s sitting on the floor in the corner, playing with something on her laptop. “Aw, man, I don’t know, you’re the expert. Pretty stuff, some turns, some jumps. Make Kylo lift you off the ground. Use the tree branches if you remember where they are in the lake.”

You sigh, eyes closed. Why had you agreed to this? Someone’s grade is on the line, you don’t want to be responsible for that, and-

“Hey.” Kylo’s voice stops you in your tracks. You open your eyes, and he’s looking right at you, a small smile on his lips. “You’ll do fine. Just breathe.”

Breathe. Okay. You press play on your phone and the music that Rey’s picked beings to play through the speakers, filling the room with a haunting melody that instantly makes your bones shiver. “Well. We could start with…” you take a few steps onto your toes, do a pirouette, then let your leg extend out in front of you. You glance over at Kylo, who’s watching you intently. “Can you take my leg from here?” Delicately, he wraps a hand around your ankle. “Okay, on three, raise your arm. My leg will follow you, and I’ll go from a tilt into a turn where you can catch me between your arms.”

He looks a bit like a deer in the headlights. “Um. I have no idea what any of that means; I don’t want to hurt you…”

You smile. “You won’t, I’m pretty bendy. Just follow my lead.” Slowly, your leg moves up over your head and back down again, and you use the momentum to spin into Kylo’s arms. Face to face, you grin at him. “See? Easy.”

He huffs a little disbelievingly. “If you say so.”

The next hour is full of trial and error, with you basically making things up as you go along, backtracking and then re-dancing several spots until you get it just right. When you do the final bit for Rey, her eyes are wide. “Y/N. That was amazing! This is going to be fantastic!”

You blush. “Thanks, but it’s really nothing.”

“I think it’s pretty cool, anyways.” Kylo puts a hand on your arm and squeezes. “Nice job.”

Again with the blushing. You don’t know how you’re going to dance this intimately with this guy without flying apart at the handle. At least you’ve danced with worse partners before. “By the way, Rey, did you cast the part of that other guy you mentioned?”

“Oh, yeah.” She thumbs through her notes. “Some guy named… Armitage? We need an actual dancer for this part,” she says, giving an obvious call-out look to Kylo. “And he came recommended.”

You blanch. Speaking of worse partners. Armitage is a great dancer, sure, but he’s also a bit… obsessive. With his hair, with his turnout, and… with you. You’re pretty sure he’s been trying to go out with you since you were both thirteen and in class together. And now you have to dance with him playing your jealous wannabe lover? Fantastic.

Rey gives you a strange look. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll just… need some time to rehearse with him.”

“Sure, I can set that up.” She jots down a note on her sheet. “When we meet tomorrow we’re going to go over the acting parts, just so you know.”

“Fantastic,” you say weakly.

As you’re locking up the studio. Kylo stops you. “Hey. You okay? You looked a little pale there at the end.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” You’re going to leave it at that, but as you put the key in your pocket, you have the sudden urge to trust him. “It’s just…. Armitage.”

“You know him?”

You nod. “Unfortunately. He tends to get all over me when we partner together. I guess he likes me or something…” laughing nervously, you tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “It’s just kind of annoying.”

He’s frowning by now, listening to tell your tale with obvious worry. “Well, if you want, I can come to your guys’ rehearsal. That way you’re not alone with him.”

You glance up at him. “You’d do that? Really?”

“Sure. We’ll just pass it off as me trying to learn how to dance or something.”

“That’s… not a bad idea, actually.”

“See? It’ll be fine.” He shoulders his bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” He salutes as he walks off, and you can’t help but watch his retreating form for a minute before going on your way.

…

“So, you got all that?” The three of you are sitting at a table in the library, with Rey looking intently at you. “You dance with Armitage, and he wants you but you’re looking across the way at Kylo. You run off, cue the forest, you dance, big finale, and kiss. End scene.”

You sit there, not answering her. This is… a lot. Sure, you’re used to showing emotion on stage, but this seems complicated. “Sure… I think.”

“Awesome.” She checks her watch. “I’ve got to run, I’ll catch you guys later.” Kylo waves as she leaves and she waves back. You’ve never seen them, like, be intimate, but you’re pretty sure they’re a couple. They’re so friendly with each other, and always joshing around and teasing one another. You’re trying not to be disappointed by this conclusion.

“So, you’ve really got all this?” Kylo’s attention is now turned to you. “I know you’ve never done this before.”

“Yeeeeah.” You shake your head. “I think so? It’s just a lot…”

“I understand.” He sits back in his chair. “Walk me through it. Just so you can review it in your head.”

“Um, okay.” You lean forward and put your head in your hands, resting your elbows on the table. “So, I’m dancing with Armitage…”

“…which you choreographed today.”

“Yup. Thanks for being there, by the way. He was definitely better behaved.”

Kylo smirks a bit, but you’re not sure why. “Anytime. He did seem a little pretentious.”

You roll your eyes. “You have no idea. So, dance with Armitage, but I’m looking across at you the whole time. Once I break away from him we cut to running through the forest; I’m looking back over my shoulder and feeling worried. Then go to our duet.”

“Perfect. See? You’re a natural!”

You scoff. “Hardly. Hey, would you mind walking back out to that pond with me? I want to practice the choreography in the water.”

“Sure. Now?”

“I don’t see why not.” You’d packed a pair of old pointe shoes in your bag that you don’t mind getting ruined. “Might as well get it over with.”

“Oh, come on, I’m not that bad am I?”

You smile a little. “No. I suppose not.”

…

Back in the forest, you lace your shoes up to your ankles before stepping into the mud. Kylo follows, barefoot, jeans rolled up to his knees. He takes your hand and you carefully raise up on your toes, testing the stability of the pond’s floor. Surprisingly not bad. You can even take a couple steps. “Okay, ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Your start the choreography, slowly, making sure you can keep your balance, and end up making it all the way through with only minor stumbles.

“Perfect.” You’re ready to leave when Kylo stops you.

“Rey said she wanted something big for the ending, right? Do you have any ideas?”

“Oh, right. Um…” You look around. “She said she wanted to use the trees…” there’s a sturdy looking branch right above Kylo’s head and you eye it. “Spot me real quick, will you?” He nods and steps aside as you jump up and grab on to the branch, jostling it up and down to test its strength. Seems hearty enough. “Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. When I’m in the splits, you stand in front of me. I’ll fall, and my legs will end up wrapped around your waist. If your hands land on my lower back I can fall into a backbend. Got that?”

He nods and positions himself straight in front of you. You take a breath and let go, but Kylo is right there to catch you, and you end up wrapped around him, face to face. Oh. You hadn’t thought of the positioning of this, really. He’s looking at you with surprise, and to get away from his face you roll yourself slowly into a backbend, then back up. He’s still as close as before. Damn.

“And then, we kiss.” His voice is low, just for the two of you, and you feel like your stomach has dropped to your feet.

“About that.” You jump off of him and land neatly on the ground, concealing your nerves. “I haven’t really, um… done that. Before.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You’ve never kissed anyone?”

You shake your head nervously. “No. So I don’t really know what I’m doing there.”

“Color me surprised.”

“Excuse me?”

“I just thought- I mean, you’re gorgeous. I would’ve thought guys would be crawling all over you.”

You make a face. “Hardly.” He steps forward. You step back. He steps forward, you step back again. Giggling nervously to yourself, you aim for the edge of the pond where a clean pair of sweats and non-muddy shoes are waiting. “So, um, we have a date set for shooting?”

“Yup.” He nods and follows your lead, seemingly unrattled by the surprisingly intimate moment that had just happened. “Wednesday we meet out on the lawn, and then we’ll film here. That good with you?”

Wednesday. You have until Wednesday to figure out how to somehow be okay with wrapping your legs around- and kissing- this guy. Who is sweet and tall and has great hair and- has a girlfriend, you remind yourself. You wonder if Rey will get uncomfortable seeing the two of you kiss. You’d be a little weirded out asking someone to kiss your boyfriend for a class project. But she had asked, so…

You breathe. You’ll cross that bridge when you come too it.

…

Wednesday comes much too soon. The days beforehand are interspersed with meetings with Rey, more practice in the woods both by yourself and with Kylo- though you always stop before the finish- and sadly, another rehearsal with Armitage. But Kylo continued to make good on his word and be there in the dance studio whenever you needed him to be, which definitely kept Armitage much more in check than he would have been if the two of you had been alone. You always tried to keep your focus on Armitage- he was your rehearsal partner, after all- but your eye kept being drawn to the boy in the corner, head in his hands, watching you dance. He’s mesmerizing. And having his eyes on you makes you a strange combination of nervous, giddy, and… maybe a little turned on.

He has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend…

You sit on a bench underneath some trees on the grand lawn of your campus, lacing up your shoes. Students mill around here and there, some in hammocks or on picnic blankets studying and enjoying the nice day. Rey and Armitage are already here, talking about something or other as Rey takes test shots with her camera. Armitage certainly looks the part of a romantic lead- red hair swept back to reveal severe features and cool blue eyes, dressed in all white in contrast to Kylo’s black ensemble. But still, the thought of him spotting you- which usually means his hands in semi-intimate places- makes your stomach squirm a bit.

But your thoughts brighten a bit when you spot Kylo heading towards your group, bag slung over his shoulder. You wave, and he waves back, making you smile. He may not be a dancer, but he’s the only one you want to dance with.

“What is he doing here?” Armitage’s voice cuts through the rustling of the leaves and straight into your skull.

Rey glances behind her, unconcerned. “Kylo? He just can’t leave me alone,” she teases, sticking her tongue out at the approaching figure. There’s no way Kylo could have heard what she said, but he nonetheless responds with his own stuck-out tongue. “Nah, he’s going to be holding another angle while you two dance. More interesting to splice together that way.”

The ginger huffs, arms crossed. “I thought it would be just me and Y/N. We’re supposed to be in love, being alone would make for much better chemistry.”

“Well, technically you’re in love. She’s in love with Kylo.” You know she’s talking about your characters, but the insinuation still makes your ears burn. “Don’t worry, he’s just another man behind the camera. You shouldn’t notice him too much.”

You can tell Armitage still isn’t happy, but he quiets down the objections as you approach, instead turning a brilliant smile toward you. “Y/N. You look lovely.”

You glance down at the flow gray dress Rey picked out for you. “Thanks, Armitage.”

He holds out one hand and you take it as gently as possible, trying to prevent as much contact as possible for as long as possible. But he closes his hand around yours and pulls you closer the second he feels your fingertips, almost making you flinch. Now’s not the time. Be professional.

Kylo wanders over with his own camera, Rey finishes her technical whatnot, and the two of you take your starting positions on the bench. “Ready?” Rey calls, and you nod. “Three, two, one. Go!”

The scene plays out smoothly, almost like you’re watching yourself through your own eyes. Armitage advances, and you retreat, eventually leading into a duet where he’s constantly pulling you in and you’re trying to free yourself. Every time you take a step opposite his direction, he finds a way to trap you into another spin or leap. As hard as you’re concentrating on the choreography, the most natural part of the whole thing is looking off into the distance, reaching for a Kylo who’s looking on, wanting him to come rescue you, wanting to run to him but something holding you back-

“Cut!” Very suddenly, your headspace is broken as you all fall out of position. You’re breathing heavily, loose hair sticking to your neck, and reeling a little from just how into the scene you got. “This looks awesome, guys, I don’t even think we’ll have to do another take.”

Small victories. You turn to Armitage, who is still looking flawless even after all the turning. Typical. “Thanks for uh, working with me again. It was fun.”

He nods. “Absolutely.” He takes your hand, and the second he does Kylo’s head shoots up from where he’s looking through the viewfinder with Rey, immediately aware of how uncomfortable you look. You don’t notice, though, you’re just trying to pull your hand away. “And please know I’m always available to talk, or practice, whatever you need. Maybe we could grab a bite to eat after rehearsal this weekend…”

“Maybe,” you reply weakly, finally wrenching your hand away. “I, um, I appreciate it.”

…

The cool woods, bathed in sunset, is a welcome change from the bright daylight out on the lawn. The trees are spindly and barren, making the whole place look like an abandoned forest, beauty hidden within the branches as the sunlight dapples through them. Rey had you run through the woods a few times, constantly looking back over your shoulder for ‘Armitage’,who might be chasing you. But finally you get to the pond, where Kylo is waiting for you just like a creature of the night, blending in perfectly with he shadows starting to darken and lengthen on the ground.

As you step out to the middle of the lake to meet him, the anxiety in your chest loosens, and you feel like you can breathe again. It even makes you smile a little. This, you can do. This, you can put your heart into.

This dance is a joy to do. You practically fly, not even the dense water holding you back as you twirl around Kylo, a steady presence among the shifting surface of the lake. The look on his face is one of love, of want, and slowly you find yourself mirroring it. Every time he touches you, it becomes electric. Every time your eyes meet, you have a hard time catching your breath back.

Finally, you spring up to grab the tree branch, still dangling overhead. As Kylo moves in to catch you, you close your eyes and let go, trusting that he’ll be there. He is, just like always. Your legs catch his hips, wrapping securely around his torso, and you dip into the deepest and most graceful backbend of your life, feeling safe with Kylo’s hand squarely on the small of your back. As you roll up, you only have a moment for the thought of oh crap- now what? To flash through your head before you’re suddenly face to face.

You look at him. He looks at you. Both of you are breathing hard, from the dance and something else exhilarating in the air you can’t quite name. Whatever it is, it’s almost tangible, dancing among the trees just like you were a minute ago.

The kiss is hurried, desperate- the kiss of two people who have wanted each other for so long but haven’t had their chance until now. It’s different than you thought it’d be. His lips are soft, and he smells a little like mint and a little like the trees of the woods, a heady combination that makes you want to burrow into his side and never come out. You’re not quite sure where to put your nose, or how to keep your teeth out of the way, but it doesn’t seem to matter all that much. After a few seconds something swells in your chest like nothing ever has before, a feeling usually reserved for taking the final bow after a long concert or perfectly breaking in a shiny new pair of shoes.

Almost simultaneously, the two of you pull away from each other, both staring wide-eyed as that tangible feeling begins to dissipate into the air, leaving a comforting sort of silence. Completely forgetting about Rey, the camera, and the project, you smile at Kylo, wondering if he had felt that magic something that had shivered its way through your body.

“Cut.” Rey doesn’t even yell it, she just states it like a matter-of-fact. The two of you startle, abruptly pulled out of your own little world. “That was…” Rey shakes her head slowly. “That was something else.”

“Cool,” Kylo whispers, responding to her but still looking wondrously at you.

“Yeah,” you whisper back. His arms tighten around you, just for a second, before letting you settle back onto the ground. You look around, where mud has been kicked up onto the bank, as well as all over your dress and Kylo’s jeans. Rey hasn’t escaped either, and is meticulously wiping a dirt spatter from her camera lens. You giggle. “We made a bit of a mess, I think.”

Kylo grins and offers you his hand, which you take, helping you back over to land. “All In the name of passion, right?”

Your cheeks flare, which you try to cover by leaning down and straightening the hem of your dress. “Something like that.”

“Guys, that was amazing. Like, seriously.” Rey climbs up to the bank.

“Can I see some of it?” Now that it’s finished, you’re genuinely curious at what you look like- and you’re sure that kiss looks horribly awkward. Maybe you should ask her to redo it…

“Nope! It’s gonna be a surprise at the final viewing. I’m editing it myself, so Kylo won’t see it either.” Kylo rolls his eyes and begins changing into clean clothes he brought from a duffel.

“Rey is all about the surprise factor.” He turns to you. “We’ll see it in a week, I guess. Have you ever been to Griffin Hall? It’s the big digitorium on the edge of campus. That’s where they’re hosting the viewings.” You shake your head. “Well, why don’t I pick you up then? Just so you don’t get lost.”

As much as you don’t want to admit it, seeing Kylo again would be… nice. Very nice. “Yeah- yeah, that sounds great. Thank you.”

…

You fidget with your hair, placing one last bobby pin into your braided crown when there’s a knock on the door. Kylo. You take a deep breath. You haven’t seen him in a week, not really, except for waving to him a few times going to and from classes. He was usually talking with Rey, and you didn’t want to disturb them.

Taking one last look in the mirror, you turn the lock and open the door, where Kylo is standing in a slightly more fancy version of his usual black ensemble, a smile on his face. He instantly raises an eyebrow. “Wow.”

You frown. “What?”

“You look amazing.”

You’re wearing a chiffon dress that floats lazily at your sides, tied in a halter by a satin bow. You even traded your ballet flats for heels that criss-cross up past your ankles, mimicking the ribbons of your pointe shoes. “Thanks,” you smile. “You don’t look to bad yourself.”

He sighs heavily, like his outfit is the bane of his existence. “Rey made me wear the tie.”

You laugh as you reach out to smooth out a bubble in said tie. “Well, it looks very nice.”

“Are you two done? We’re going to be late!” Rey appears behind Kylo in a cream wrap dress with a brown belt. “I want to get good seats!”

Oh. Rey is here. Of course she would be, though. You shake thoughts of being alone with Kylo out of your head and grab your purse. “Ready if you are.”

The digitorium is done up in lights, with students dressed in their cocktail best streaming through the double doors. You blanch a little when you see all the pizzazz. “I didn’t realize this was such a big deal.”

“I mean, the senior film festival always draws a bit of a crowd. There are awards at the end of the night that the audience votes on based on what films they like the best,” Rey explains. So, basically, everyone is going to see you crushing on Kylo- you might as well admit it to yourself- on the big screen. Fantastic.

“Rey!” A black guy in a tan jacket and another in a ridiculously vibrant orange blazer walk over. “Ready to get your ass beat?”

“You wish, Finn! Your little adventure plot is no match for my romantic thriller,” Rey says dramatically, but giving the guy- Finn- a hug nonetheless. “Besides, everyone knows Poe here can’t hold any attention on the big screen.”

“Hey now!” Poe, in the orange blazer, tosses his hair back from his forehead like a teen heartthrob from the nineties. “I’m a stud and you know it.”

“Oh, just come on already. May the best film win!” The three of them dash off towards the entrance, apparently in a race to get the best seats.

You raise an eyebrow at Kylo. “Friends of hers?”

He snorts. “More like partners in crime. Finn is another directing major, he and Poe did some sort of aviation adventure thing I think.” He holds out his arm, and after a few seconds you hesitantly slip your arm through the crook of his. “Shall we?” You let him lead you into the building, not sure how you’re going to get through tonight.

There are six films in total. Finn and Poe’s was indeed an action-adventure flick, featuring Poe crash landing on an island and having to do a man-vs-wild sort of challenge. You recognize the same forest you danced in with Kylo in the background of some of their shots. Everyone goes crazy when the credits roll, you included, and the two friends stand in their seats to take a bow, both trying to outdo the other. You smile- they’re clearly class favorites.

“I think we’re up,” Kylo whispers, and sure enough, Rey’s name in bold letters appears on a black screen. You hold your breath. Hopefully Rey worked some magic and you wouldn’t look like an idiot in front of all these people.

To your shock, you don’t look like an idiot. In fact, you look- almost beautiful. Armitage never looks away from you the whole time you’re dancing, but it’s clear your mind is somewhere else- on someone else. The screen cuts away from the dance a few times to show a serene Kylo standing in the distance, looking on at the two of you on the lawn. As you finally pull away from Armitage, thanks to a close up on your face, you can see a tear leak down your cheek. You put a hand up to your face. You don’t even remember crying.

Trees fly past as the two of you run through the forest from opposite sides until you meet eyes from across the pond. Kylo holds out his hand and you delicately take it, stepping into the water- the pointe shoes make it looks like you’re dancing on the surface, rather than on the muddy pond floor. The dance whirls and races and sometimes slows and wavers, but never loses intensity or drive. Rey has managed to capture all the best angles, every facial expression, every slosh of the water as you kick up mud in a way that’s almost graceful.

As you fall from the tree branch, you catch yourself sitting on the edge of your seat, holding your breath. Everyone in the auditorium is too, and even though you know what happens next, you can’t help but smile a little when you kiss on screen. The last lingering shot is of the two of you looking at each other with mirrored expressions- disbelief, release, and love. Lots of love.  

The screen fades to black, and for a few moments the crowd is silent, making you sink down into your chair a little. Did they not like it? You thought Rey did an amazing job-

Your thoughts are cut off by thunderous applause rising from the rows of people, and even some cheering and whistling. Across the way, Rey proudly takes a bow amidst all the noise, and you find yourself clapping wildly as well, smiling at her success. Suddenly, Rey gestures to you, and before you know it Kylo is pulling you up out of your seat, holding your hand aloft like you’ve just won the olympics. In shock, you laugh, and he does too, giddy and high on everyone’s well wishes.

This is so much better than any dance concert you’ve ever done.

…

After the event, Rey is posing on stage with her professors, a small gold trophy in her hand- Audience Favorite, apparently by a landslide. You and Kylo wait for her outside amongst the rest of the crowd, who are milling about, discussing the night and their opinions.

“Well? What do you think? Caught the acting bug?”

“Maybe,” you admit sheepishly. “This was… incredible.”

“Yeah.” There’s a wistful look on his face, and in his eyes you can see just how much he loves what he does. “You never get sick of it.”

“Come on, guys!” Rey comes bounding over with her friends, who are holding a certificate for best editing. “Are we ready for the best part?”

“The best part?” You look at her, confused. She gives you a wicked grin. “The afterparty.”

…

Not an hour later, you’re standing against the wall of someone’s house, drink in your hand, trying not to draw too much attention to yourself. The room is dimly lit, and music is blasting, but you can vaguely make out some of the people you recognize from the films you saw and their directors. Apparently the afterparty is what everyone is really waiting for at the end of the night.

You think you’d just rather go home. Parties aren’t really your scene.

“Y/N!” A familiar figure cuts through the crowd, and before you can dodge away, Armitage is standing way too close, pushing you up against the wall. “How great did we look up there? We should dance together more often!”

You roll your eyes, practically gagging at all the alcohol on his breath. “Sure, Armitage. I’m gonna, um, go to the bathroom-” you try to slip away but he grabs your wrist, hard, making you freeze.

“Come on, Y/N.” He has to shout over the crowd, but you can hear him loud and clear. “It’s obvious we should be together. We’re the best dancers in our program. We look amazing together. We’d be unstoppable.” His demeanor suddenly changes, and he uses his hips to push you against the wall once more, still holding onto you so you can’t escape. “I know you want me, Y/N. It was just a matter of time.”

“Armitage, let me go! I don’t-” you shove him off, a little scared. “I don’t like you like that, okay? I’m sorry!”

His face darkens. “What, who is it? Who else is there?” He stops. “It’s that Kylo guy isn’t it. You’re into him. Instead of me.”

“N- no, I just-”

“I knew it.” There’s a fury in his eyes that you’ve never seen before. “You need to be with me, Y/N. I’ll show you- I’ll make you see it!” He throws himself at you, holding you tighter than ever, and you’re struggling to pull away but you can’t, he’s stronger than you, and he’s so close you can smell him and his hips are against yours-

Suddenly, air. Without anything to hold you up, you collapse to the ground, hard, chest heaving. You taste salt, and roughly try to rub the tears off your cheeks. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Kylo is towering over Armitage, practically holding him by the neck. “None of your business, weirdo,” Armitage snarls, but Kylo throws him back so hard he bangs his head against the wall behind him.

Somehow, even though Kylo leans in close, you can still hear his voice over the music. “You touch her again, you’re dead,” he hisses. “If I see you within twenty feet of her you’ll have me to deal with.”

“Fuck off, you’re not-”

He suddenly goes silent, probably because Kylo just decked him in the nose. As drunk as he is, Armitage rag dolls onto the ground, out cold. It’d be almost comical if he hadn’t just tried to- no. Don’t think about that. You feel more tears, hot and painful, well up in your eyes, which are staring at Armitage’s limp body just a few feet away from you. “Y/N? Y/N.” It takes a minute, but you finally focus on Kylo, who has kneeled down in front of you. He holds out a hand and you cling to it, shaky, trying not to sob or scream or both. “Let’s get you out of here, okay?” You nod, but don’t move. Your legs won’t seem to work. Without saying a word, Kylo scoops you up as if you weigh nothing and begins to carry you through the crowd. Where, you don’t know, and you don’t care, as long as it’s away, away, away- you bury your head into his chest, trembling, curling in on yourself and closing your eyes tight as he brings you to safety.

Safety comes in the form of the backyard, cool and dark, big enough so that the music and the house is just a distant thrumming in the night. Kylo sets you down on the grass, gently, then sits beside you. You’re still frozen, so he wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you close to his side, and you wrap it tighter around you like he’s your lifeline.

He is, in a way. He just- he just stopped- “Thank you,” you whisper, and you can feel his chest rumbling as he responds.

“I don’t think he’ll be bothering you again.”

You shake your head, and fall quiet. The two of you just sit there, looking at the stars and hearing the din of the party in the background. Every nerve in your body should be on fire right now, but the longer you sit by Kylo’s side, the safer you feel.

“Can I tell you something stupid,” you say, and he shifts away from you a little so he can hear you better.

“Of course.”

You groan and pull your knees up to your chest, resting your head on them. “It’s so stupid. And embarrassing.”

“Y/N, it’s okay, really.” He taps one of your hands lightly with a finger, then takes it in his own and entwines your fingers with his. “You can tell me anything.”

“I really like you,” you admit, eyes squeezed shut so you won’t see his reaction. “Really really like you. And I know we basically just met and I know nothing about you and you and Rey seem really happy together and I’m glad, I really am, but-”

“Whoa, whoa, back up.” He shifts so he’s sitting in front of you, but you can’t bring yourself to show your face. “Me and Rey? What now?”

You sniffle a little. “Your girlfriend, dummy. You guys are great together and I know that, but I just had to tell you because-”

“Y/N, stop.” You do. He tucks a piece of hair that’s escaped your braid behind your ear, which gives you the courage to look up at him. The moonlight is glinting off of him in a way that makes him look unreal. Unearthly beautiful. And there’s a smile on his face- oh, god, he’s laughing at you, you shouldn’t have said anything- “you know Rey and I are cousins, right?”

They-

Cousins?

“Oh.” That’s all you seem to know how to say. You just sit there and look at him, dumbfounded, and also feeling incredibly, incredibly stupid.

“Yeah. We’re not- we’re not a couple.” He shudders a little, seemingly at the thought, and laughs a little. “We basically grew up together. She’s like my little sister.”

This time you say nothing, your heart thumping out of your chest. With embarrassment, yes, but way deep down, if you look closely, there’s also a little flare of something. Something that might be a tiny, tiny spark of hope.

You look at him. He looks at you. Then, ever so carefully, he reaches forward and pulls you towards him, settling you onto his lap. Automatically, your arms go around his neck, and your legs around his waist- a mirror image of your kiss in the woods.

And you’re very, very close.

“Tell me if this isn’t okay,” he whispers, and then he can’t say anything else because he’s kissing you.

This kiss is different than the other- soft, slow, and hesitant. Barely there really, just a whisper of something, a hint of admission. He gives you time and space to pull away, but instead, you pull him back towards you, take a breath, and kiss him back. You still don’t know what you’re doing, but he guides you through it was small touches and a tilt of the head- and when a pathetic sound of want escapes your throat, he kisses you deeper, until you’re flush against him and you can feel his heart beating in his chest. Your hand finds its way to his curls and buries itself in them, his wander to your waist and the small of your back. You’re as close as you can possibly be and it’s still not enough- but it’s also the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to you.

Eventually, he pulls away, because you’re breathing hard and maybe still crying a little. He wipes a tear away with the pad of his thumb, and you laugh breathlessly to yourself. “Sorry, I- I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“Hm.” He’s staring at you so intensely his eyes sparkle like the stars above. “There was something in the air, when you were dancing with me. I think it followed us here.”

“It wasn’t just me, then?”

“”Stars, no.” A small smile flickers across his face. “I couldn’t believe I got to be your first kiss.”

“And second.”

“And third?”

You giggle, feeling that magic swirl around the two of you, before meeting him in the middle again. And again. And again.

And The Dragon Will Come When He Hears The Drum

Chapter 2 - stuck in the mucky rut between alive and dead

Back to the Beginning  <Previous Chapter / Next Chapter >  AO3

(TW: blood and gore, graphic depictions of violence, threats, choking, unhealthy sibling/family relationships, panic attacks (hyperventilation) )

(The title of this chapter comes from “Double Helix Kyrie” by Raymond Luczak)

Roman stumbled through the dark woods. He wasn’t even sure he was going the right direction. His arms burned like hellfire, but he couldn’t stop. If he did, he wasn’t sure he’d get back up. Not with Logan in his arms, and Roman was not leaving him behind. His partner’s blood bathed the front of Roman’s princely tunic, now half-dried and sticky like tar. It was all Roman could smell with every step he took, every panting breath he wheezed.

At last, his blurring vision glimpsed the flicker of torchlight through the trees. Roman heard shouts of alarm from camp, but they sounded leagues away. Armored figures approached him, but he didn’t stop his shuffling walk, trembling arms stiff, unable and unwilling to release their load.

“Where’s Patton?” he croaked as his soldiers worried around him, shaking off their hands of assistance. “Find Patton. I need him. Someone get Patton.”

He scanned the camp, eyes fixating on the limp red flag staked outside one of the many brown canvas tents filling the clearing. The medical tent. The soldiers gathered, but the more seasoned ones kept their distance. A few of the newer soldiers, who hadn’t been around Roman enough to know better, attempted to take Logan from his arms.

Roman fixed one—only slightly younger than himself—with a stare that could fill a person’s mouth with blood.

“Touch him and I’ll rip your tongue out, soldier,” he said, not stopping his limping march to the medical tent. The captain pulled the younger one away, a concerned but understanding look on her face. Roman continued on as she began barking orders to the soldiers to return to their watches or various chores.

Patton finally appeared from inside the tent, his apprentice, a youth named Elliott, at his side. Blood drained from the healer’s face at the sight of the prince and warlock. Elliot covered their mouth with their hand.

“What happened?” Patton breathed, pulling the flap aside as Roman stumbled through. The tent was bigger than the rest, several chests of books and supplies lining the sides and a large, filled water basin in the corner. A single wooden table the length of an average person’s body sat in the middle of the space. Roman fell against the table, Logan flopping out of his arms onto it. Elliot stared at the corpse on the table in horror.

“Your Highness, are you injured?” Patton asked.

“How dare you ask me something like that with Logan looking like this,” he said, bracing his hands on the table and letting his head hang down. The smell of blood wafting from the table and his own clothes filled his lungs, making his head swim. “Heal him.”

“Please, Your Highness, you aren’t well, you must—”

The stench became too much, and Roman retched onto the ground, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the table for support. He hadn’t eaten since last night, so all that came up was water and bile. The ordeal left him trembling and sweaty.

“I must nothing,” he panted, motioning to Elliot to clean up his mess. The apprentice scurried to one of the chests, gathering rags and dunking them in the water basin. “Heal him, Patton. That’s an order.”

“He’s dead, Your Highness,” the healer said gently. “There’s nothing I can do.”

“The hell there isn’t!” he bellowed. Patton flinched and Elliot jumped, nearly knocking over their bucket of water as they scrubbed the tent floor. “You’ve brought me back from the brink of death before, healer, now I am ordering you to bring him back!”

“Yes, but you’re different, my prince,” Patton explained. Roman twitched. He was so patronizing. “You’re a prophecy bearer. You cannot die outside the bounds of what’s been foreto—”

Roman’s hand shot out without him looking up, closing around Patton’s throat. Elliott screamed. Roman slowly lifted his head, meeting the healer’s wild, desperate eyes as he clawed at Roman’s fist. “If you mean to imply, for even a second, that Logan is less important than me, I will have you beheaded with a blunt axe.”

Patton’s mouth opened and closed soundlessly, eyes watering. Roman squeezed harder. He needed to kill something.

“Stop it!” Elliott shrieked, but the stupid kid was too scared to actually do anything about it.

“Do I make myself perfectly clear?” he snarled. Patton managed a weak nod, and Roman released him. The healer collapsed to his knees, wheezing.

“You two are useless,” he said, resigned. “I’ll find someone to bring Logan back myself.” He turned and stumbled out of the tent, but paused at the door. “For both of your sakes, I better return to find his body cleaned and stitched up. Am I understood?”

“Yes, Your Highness,” Patton said. Elliott nodded quickly. Roman gave a distantly amused snort before letting the tent flap fall closed behind him. The soldiers all went about their duties in silence. It was obvious they’d all been listening. Let them gossip, Roman thought sourly. It’s not as if they see me as anything more than a tyrant. He wouldn’t be able to sleep despite his exhaustion, Roman knew that much. Without Logan beside him, he doubted he’d ever sleep restfully again.

The captain, Raila, stood patiently outside, cocking an eyebrow at his disheveled state.

“You didn’t kill our best healer, I hope.”

“Of course not,” Roman grumbled, making for the creek just outside camp. He had to get this blood off of him before he vomited again. He glanced at the sizable cookfire the soldiers had constructed and Roman’s vision swam with images of rolling blue flame, his ears filling with the roar of a dragon.

Logan rolling his eyes with bemusement at Roman’s besottedness.

Raila suddenly grabbed him and walked him off into the darkness of the trees, shouldering most of his weight and practically dragging him. He couldn’t get his feet to move quick enough.

“What’re you doing?” he groaned. “I’ll kill you.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Raila grunted, dropping the formalities as soon as they were out of earshot of the rest of the camp. “I simply figured you didn’t want the rest of the brigade to see you crying.”

“What?” Roman muttered, bringing a hand to his face. It was wet with tears turned pinkish by the dried blood on his face. “Whatever. I need to get this blood off me. Unhand me.”

“No can do, little brother,” she said, pulling one of his arms across her broad shoulders. The motion sent waves of pain through his bruised ribs and he nearly passed out. “Pretty sure you’d drown in two inches of water in the state you’re in. ”

Roman let out a queasy groan as Raila trudged toward the creek.

“You better not throw up on my uniform, princey,” she grumbled. Raila had rescinded her title as princess four years ago in exchange for a position as a military general. She’d gotten her wish despite their mother’s concerns, though during peacetimes such as this, she occupied her time functioning as the captain of Roman’s guard. Raila wasn’t the kind of person to sit back and write up law proposals to get what she wanted. She went out in the street and got her hands dirty.

That was one reason she and Roman got along the best out of all their siblings. Roman knew his position as third oldest out of five—though the fifth really didn’t count as competition—wasn’t the most ideal for coveting the throne, but having someone that wasn’t only the eldest but a brilliant military strategist on his side was one of the best choices he’d made.

“I think it’s time I paid our baby brother a visit,” he said as Raila lowered him onto the creek bed. She helped him pull his tunic up over his head. Red and purple bruises mottled his ribs.

“You can’t be serious,” she said, nose wrinkling in disgust as she dropped the tunic to the ground and nudging it away from her with a toe. “We’ll have to burn that,” she muttered to herself.

“I’m completely serious,” Roman said, crawling rather than wading out into the shallow end of the creek. The water was frigid and helped him clear his mind, soothing the painful pulsing of his wounds.

“Mother would have an aneurism if she found out.”

“You think?” Roman mused wishfully, lying on his back and letting the water wash over his chest and through his hair. “I visit him almost every day back home and she never says anything.”

“In front of you.”

He shrugged. “Fair.” The rocky creek bed dug into his back, and probably would have hurt his ribs more if the water wasn’t so cold he was practically numb. It reminded him of the first time Logan had given him a hug. He’d flinched away, ready for him to hit him or perhaps even put him in a headlock—something Raila had done on numerous occasions. When he’d at last allowed Logan to embrace him, his skin had almost burned at the touch—like stepping into warm water after surviving a blizzard. The concept of letting someone touch him for extended periods of time and being okay with it, even enjoying it, had been a foreign concept to Roman at the time. Logan had called it touch starvation.

Roman would have preferred his prior ignorance to this. Slowly starved of the touch he now craved and missing the exact person needed to fix it.

It’s hardly time for that, dearest.

“You’re shaking,” Raila noted without particular inflection.

“Yeah, I’m sitting in freezing water,” Roman spat, sitting up. His ribs protested, making him gasp. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath, though, angrily scrubbing at the blood that the water hadn’t yet washed from his chest and arms. Everything felt wrong. Raila sitting there watching him. Logan’s body lying in a tent not too far. He couldn’t get the blood out from under his nails. Why couldn’t he breathe?

“You know,” Raila started, her voice soft and not at all like her usual self, “I’ve seen that look on my soldier’s faces before, usually after a battle.”

“I’m drowning,” he gasped. He needed Logan, but thinking about him made it worse. He just heard the crunch of bones, smelled his blood.

“You aren’t drowning, you’re panicking. You have to control your breathing,” Raila said, somehow sounding sympathetic and like a know-it-all at the same time. It made Roman’s skin itch. She wasn’t compassionate, and neither was he. It was what their entire relationship was based on.

“Shut up,” he growled, grabbing fistfuls of the hair at the nape of his neck. “Just shut up and leave me alone.”

“Of course, Your Highness,” she snapped, standing and tossing his bloody tunic at him, apparently done with trying to be nice to him. She stalked off towards camp without looking back. He flung the tunic away from him, not caring that it drifted away down the creek. It got caught around a protruding stone a few yards downstream.

Roman eventually dragged himself out of the water and curled up on the ground in a very unprincely manner and broke down into uncontrollable sobs and shivering fits—something he hadn’t even dared in the privacy of his room back in the castle for fear of his father’s retribution.

Footsteps too careful to be Raila’s approached him from the direction of camp, stopping a few feet away.

“You’ll take ill out here like that, Your Highness,” the person said softly. It was Patton.

“Leave me be, healer,” he hissed through chattering teeth, curling in on himself. He couldn’t let anyone see him so vulnerable. Least of all the man he’d choked not thirty minutes ago. He didn’t have any weapons on him, and he was is no state to defend himself if Patton decided to take his revenge.

Patton walked around him and squatted in front of his face. “As much as I’d love to do that,” he sighed, “I can’t let you die under my watch. Now, I’m going to need you to take some deep breaths for me.”

“Go away,” he said through gritted teeth, his voice breaking. He kept gulping down air, but it wasn’t working. His head swam like he was going to pass out. A terrifying numbness began to buzz in Roman, up his jaw and cheeks, making it hard to keep his eyes open. The sensation spread down his arms and hands. His fingers cramped and curled in on themselves, unresponsive. His ears began to ring.

“I can’t… I can’t move,” he gasped.

Patton pressed his hand against Roman’s cheek, cradling his face gently. “You’re going to be fine, Roman. You have to slow down your breathing.”

“What happened?” another voice asked from beside Patton. It was Elliott.

“He’s having a panic attack. A bad one. Quick, what does he need?” Patton quizzed the apprentice. If Roman were in a more coherent state, he would have laughed. Now didn’t seem the best time to be giving his student a lesson. Roman could feel his heart beating throughout this entire body.

“I don’t—um,” Elliott floundered.

“Stay calm, Elliott,” Patton said sternly. “Think. You’re going to need a sedative, right?”

“Right. Yes. Chamomile?”

“No. Why not?”

Elliott shifted back and forth on their feet. “Oh! He’s got bruising—possible internal bleeding. Chamomile can thin the blood. Okay, in that case I’d use… valerian?”

“Yes. There’s a poultice already made in the left pocket of my daypack,” Patton said with a smile, and Elliott took off running toward the medical tent.

Patton brushed his thumb across Roman’s cheekbone in what must have been an attempt at comfort, but the motion just filled Roman’s head with Logan, laying in their bed, watching him sleep, caressing Roman until he fell asleep against his chest. It was all gone. Even with the help of his brother, it would never be the same. He’d changed Roman’s life so drastically, and they’d only known each other for a year. Maybe less. He’d died just as suddenly. A blink, and he was gone.

Elliott returned in a flash, skidding to a stop in the dirt. Patton grabbed something from him and shoved it into Roman’s mouth. He nearly choked.

“Chew on it,” Patton ordered with more force than Roman would have thought possible for the healer. “Swallow the juices.”

Roman slowly obeyed, chewing around his hiccupping gasps. The taste was overwhelmingly bitter, and he almost spit it out.

“That’s the triple dose, isn’t it?” Elliott asked, his voice far away as Roman’s mind grew fuzzy.

“Yes,” Patton replied. “I won’t envy the headache he’ll wake up with, but by then he’ll have hopefully calmed down a bit.”

Roman’s breathing slowed at last, the numbness in his hands and face ebbing away. As the darkness took over, the prince relinquished himself to what would likely be the last full night of sleep he’d have for the foreseeable future.

Blood and Bones - Chapter 2

Pairing: Samifer

Summary: When people on the Winchester lands vanish, including Dean, Sam thinks the necromancer who’s living near by in a tower is to blame.

Warnings: Fantasy AU, Violence, Blood Magic (as in people cut themselves and others to get blood for spells), Knight!Sam, Necromancer!Lucifer, Blood Mage!Lucifer, Undead, Questionable morals, Truth Spells

Notes: Thanks to my beta readers @coplins, @trisscar368 and @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell. The whole story was inspired by @brieflymaximumprincess

Read it on AO3

“Don’t you think the undead horse is a bit too much?” Sam’s own horse kept its distance, shying away from the creature thankfully made mostly of bone and a bit of dried skin. No rotting flesh.

The necromancer shrugged from where he was sitting in the saddle. They were riding into the woods, Sam and Lucifer, Sam in his chainmail now, sword by his side again.

“I don’t want to spend time caring for a living animal every day.”

That made sense in a way. Still, Sam could’ve done without the reminder of who he had sided with. He still wasn’t sure, if he wouldn’t regret this.

“What is it, Sammy?” Lucifer’s eyes were on him, leaving his undead horse to find its own way. “Second thoughts?”

“I’m not obliged to answer any more.” He couldn’t actually be angry about the truth spell, though. Sam had been the one who had broken into Lucifer’s tower and the truth spell had been a pretty gentle way to insure Lucifer’s safety. Still, Sam tried. After the kiss they shared, he felt like he had to put some distance between them again. It was sensible to join forces with the necromancer to get his brother back, of course. It was also a good idea to stay on friendly terms with him afterwards. For the good of their village. But the kiss had been more than just one step too far. As was the fascination Sam felt every time Lucifer talked about magic.

Lucifer shrugged. “Suit yourself. I liked you more when you were chatty, though.”

“You’re not supposed to like me. We have a common goal, that’s all.”

That earned him an amused look, tip of Lucifer’s tongue visible in the corner of his mouth for a moment – not that Sam was paying attention.

“Don’t get your hopes up too much. I’m sure grumpy, less chatty you will grow on me eventually.”

Never had a declaration of affection ever sounded so much like a promise of trouble to come.

It didn’t take them long to reach the waterfall that hid the dragon’s cave. “How do you want to do this?” Lucifer asked. “The hero way or the smart way?”

“I’m not going to stand in front of the cave and yell for the dragon to come out.”

Lucifer smiled. “See, that’s why I like you. So sneak in or draw it out?”

Sam pondered that question for a moment. To sneak in he’d have to lose his chainmail again, which meant potentially fighting a dragon without much protection. “Any ideas how to draw it out?”

“Yes. I’ll challenge it.”

“So you stand in front of the cave and yell for it to come out?” Sam asked grinning.

Lucifer threw him a bitchface. “Not quite.”

The plan was simple. Lucifer would be the distraction, while Sam would lie in ambush and wait for a good opportunity to attack. After all, he was the one who was supposed to kill the dragon. Lucifer summoned Meg again to send her off with Sam. “She can be of help,” was all he said.

Then he cut his palm, let a few drops of blood drip on the ground.

“What’s that for?” Sam asked.

“In case of an emergency. I think some other predators have lived here before. There are a lot of dead things in the ground, and I’ve just established a connection.” Lucifer’s smile made Sam shudder, but not in a completely unpleasant way. Damn him and his fascination with questionable people. “Now go.”

Sam was halfway to a good hiding place, when he realized that he’d just followed a command given by the necromancer. Damn! It was a sensible command, but still, he better not make a habit out of it.

Next to him, Meg moved in complete, eerie silence between the trees. No footsteps, no breathing. Of course no breathing, after all she was dead. Sam eyed her suspiciously. There was a slight red tint to her figure, and sometimes, out of the corner of his eye, he could see her edges fray, but apart from that she looked like a normal human being. A tiny brunette girl in a way too revealing dress.

She grinned at him. “Like what you see?”

“He killed you,” Sam said, because that still bothered him.

“Yes. And then he went and gave me a new life. That’s how things are sometimes. Don’t get your undergarments in a twist about it, pretty boy.”

Sam huffed, not placated.

Meg laughed, a sound that wasn’t quite human. “If you were so appalled by it, you should’ve declined my company.”

“That wouldn’t have undone it. And if you can help, it would be stupid not to make use of that to save people who might still be alive.”

“So the fact that he killed me is useful to you now.”

Sam opened his mouth to protest, but no words came out. “I guess …” he bit back angrily. Had he just lost a discussion about morals against an undead girl?

They found a good hiding place near the waterfall. While Sam crouched down behind a big boulder, spray from the waterfall settled on his face, his hair, his clothes. Slowly, he drew his sword.

Meg cupped her hands, and a small puddle of blood appeared between her fingers. “We’re ready, master,” she whispered.

Yes, she definitely was useful.

By the bank of the river Lucifer stepped out from between the trees just enough to be seen, but not far enough that he couldn’t duck back into the underbrush fast, if need be. He didn’t do anything, he just stood there, but suddenly he seemed taller, his shadow darker.

“What’s he doing?” Sam whispered.

“He just stopped hiding his aura,” Meg explained.

Oh. This definitely shouldn’t make Lucifer even more attractive.

It didn’t take long for a head to appear in the middle of the waterfall. It wasn’t quite as reptilian as Sam had expected it to be, though. It looked more bird-like, even if there were scales between the feathers. The sharp beak was approximately as long as Sam’s arm. The head was followed by a snake-like neck and a reptilian body. Leathery wings blocked the path of the waterfall for a moment, when they unfurled.

“Oops,” Meg said.

Sam was inclined to agree with her. “That’s not a dragon.”

“Well,” Meg said, “technically Basilisks are a subspecies of dragons.”

The Basilisk cocked its head to regard Lucifer. “Ah,” it said finally, more a hiss than a word. “Long time since I last saw a blood mage.”

“Long time since I last saw one of your kind, too,” Lucifer answered. “My name is Lucifer. You’re in my territory.”

“My apologies.” The Basilisk stepped further away from the waterfall and waded through the water towards Lucifer, still staying in the river though. Sam held his breath. As soon as it reached the riverbank, he’d strike. “I’m only here for the time my young need to learn how to fly. If you let me stay in your territory until then, I’ll repay you well.”

Lucifer smiled, apparently not even surprised that a huge, scary Basilisk prefered negotiations over fighting him. “Well, there’s one small problem.”

The Basilisk cocked it’s bird head again.

“You’re taking humans, and the villagers are bothering me now, because they think I’m responsible.”

For a very short moment Sam thought it was maybe possible to solve this via talking. The creature would agree not to take any more humans, it would give Dean and the other villagers back and they would allow it to raise its young, before it had to leave. Everybody would be happy. But then the Basilisk did something that was probably the closest you can get to a shrug, if you have wings instead of arms. “You seem powerful enough to deal with a few humans. What I can give you will be worth your trouble.”

No, that was not how this was supposed to go! Sam held his breath. He wasn’t sure how high the chances were that Lucifer was going to betray him.

“Is that so?” the necromancer asked. “What do you have to offer?”

Well, apparently they were high. Sam tightened his grip on the hilt of his sword, when he suddenly felt Meg’s hand on his arm. “Wait. Trust him.”

Sam gave an almost soundless laugh. “Why should I trust him?”

“For one,” Meg leaned closer, and Sam faintly smelled blood, “if he wanted trouble, he wouldn’t have offered to help you in the first place. And secondly, you don’t have any other choice, because I will rip you to shreds if you move now.”

For a moment, Sam looked at her, seizing her up. Judging by how effortlessly she had disarmed him in the dungeon, this was probably no empty threat. But she had to have a weakness. He went through everything Bobby had ever told him about magic. A lot of magic creatures didn’t like iron, did they? Though Lucifer’s magic had worked on the chains in the dungeon. There were also some symbols that worked as protection, and Sam wished he’d memorized them better.

While he was lost in thought, the conversation between Lucifer and the Basilisk went on. The creature offered magic spells and riches. Lucifer seemed intrigued.

“Meg,” Sam whispered. “Do you remember your parents? They’re still alive. If Lucifer sides with that creature, they’re in danger.”

Did he imagine it or was there a slight pause as if Meg were thinking?

“Let me kill that Basilisk, no matter what they agree on,” Sam urged. “That’s all I’m asking.”

“Trust him,” Meg insisted again. Her grip on Sam’s arm loosened a bit, though. Sam took it as a good sign.

While they were talking, the Basilisk slowly crept closer to Lucifer, further and further out of the water. The necromancer carefully avoided eye contact, but otherwise watched the creature closely. Finally, it sat in the shallow water close to where Lucifer was standing. Sam tensed, ready to strike.

“Give him a few more seconds,” Meg whispered. “Then I’ll let you go.”

Fine. Sam could do that.

The necromancer smiled again. “That sounds all well and good,” he said. “There’s still one tiny problem, though.”

“What is it now?” The Basilisk was getting impatient. It took another step, threatening now, until its beak was only inches from Lucifer’s face. Sam saw the necromancer lower his gaze to the ground to avoid eye contact. But now it was also in the perfect position for Sam to strike.

“Well, you see,” Lucifer explained. He unfurled the fingers of the hand he had cut before, and a few more drops of blood dripped to the ground. What was he doing? “The very handsome knight I came here with apparently thinks I’m fascinating.”

Alarmed, the Basilisk looked around. And that did it. Sam shrugged off Meg’s hand and stood up. She let him.

“And that’s kind of nice,” Lucifer went on. “So I actually don’t want to betray him.”

The next word was not spoken in any language Sam knew, but it carried power, Sam could feel that in the energy that suddenly permeated the air. He half expected to get hit by a spell, before the meaning of Lucifer’s words completely got through to him.

Then he saw the bones that erupted from the ground. They formed hands and claws and they grabbed the Basilisk’s legs and wings. The creature screeched and its beak bit down, shattering skeletal arms, but there were more coming from the ground every second.

“Sam!” Lucifer called. “Now! And don’t look it in the eyes, it can turn you to stone.”

Sam was already moving. He swung his sword, hacking at the snake-neck of the creature. His blade sliced through the scales, but then the back of a flailing wing hit him, sending him sprawling to the ground.

Before he could even catch his breath, the beak came down. He rolled to the side, but he could already tell he wouldn’t be fast enough to avoid it completely.

The impact never came, though. Instead something red streaked through his line of sight, then Meg was there. She collided with the head of the creature with force, making it reel to the side. The beak sank into the ground instead of Sam’s flesh, sending grass and dirt flying. Immediately, the boney hands grabbed it. Together with Meg they held the Basilisk’s head to the ground, stretching the already injured neck. Sam got to his feet again, bringing the sword down with all his might.

This time, his blade went all the way through. The Basilisk convulsed and collapsed on the riverbank.

For a moment, Sam just stood there, breathing heavily.

The sound of someone clapping made him look up after a while. Lucifer leaned against the trunk of a tree, smirking. “You make a very heroic figure wielding your sword like that, Sam Dragonslayer. A pity that the fact that I helped you probably ruins this as material for the bards.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sam said. He hadn’t tried to be heroic, he’d just tried to get his brother back. But if Lucifer wanted to mock him for this, he could give as good as he got. “Depends on how they spin it. Apparently I made a formerly evil necromancer see the good in life again.” Which raised an interesting question. Lucifer hadn’t actually chosen his side because he liked him, had he?

“It’s blood mage.” Lucifer took a few steps towards him. He stopped right in front of Sam, almost touching, twinkle in his blue eyes. “And there are limits to what I’d do just because a good looking guy bats his eyelashes at me.” He leaned in even closer, breath on Sam’s face. “But it just so happens that Basilisk venom is the rarest spell ingredient in the world, and it’s the most potent when taken straight from the venom gland.” He reached out, fingertips slightly brushing over Sam’s cheek, before his hand came to rest on Sam’s chest. His touch left a tingling sensation on Sam’s skin, a faint echo of what the kiss had felt like. “So nice of you helping me acquire it.” With that he pushed Sam away gently, brushed past him and hunched down next to the severed Basilisk head, pulling his dagger from its sheath.

It really shouldn’t feel so much like Sam had just been turned down; still, Sam’s face burned with heat. “So reassuring that the reason I’m still alive is that the Basilisk’s offer lacked appeal for you,” he said, his anger at least in parts directed against himself for reacting to Lucifer like he did.

“Well, that and the fact that I gave you my word to help you.” Lucifer didn’t look up from forcing the beast’s beak open with his blade. “But you won’t believe that anyway.”

“Don’t act like not trusting you is an unreasonable thing to do.”

Lucifer made a dismissive gesture with his dagger. “Don’t you have a missing brother to look for?”

He was right, of course. Sam wiped his sword on his pants and put it back into the sheath. Then he stepped towards the waterfall.

“Don’t forget that thing mentioned offspring,” Lucifer called after him. “Meg, go with him.”

“Yes, master.”

“Thanks,” Sam said. “But I think, I’ll manage.”

“You’re not the one your father will get mad at when you go missing, too.” Lucifer had one hand between the Basilisk’s jaws, picking at something with the dagger. “So please accept my offer of further assistance.”

The sudden formality made Sam blink in surprise. Still, he felt like he owed it the necromancer to answer a polite request with a polite reply. “Of course.” He stepped into the river near the waterfall. “Are you coming, Meg?”

The river wasn’t deep, but when Sam arrived at the other side of the waterfall he was drenched from head to toe. He wiped the water out of his eyes and drew his sword again. He knew this cave, had been here before with Dean. It was just a small tunnel at the beginning, but after a bend it opened into a cavern with a light well in the middle so you didn’t need a torch. Sam stepped carefully around the bend.

They were sitting in the middle of the cavern, right inside a pillar of sunlight. And they were gnawing on something that Sam, to his horror, recognized as human limbs.

Don’t let this be Dean.

He’d never forgive himself if he’d come to late to save his brother.

A few gestures was all he needed to communicate his plan of attack to Meg. Then Sam circled to one side around the Basilisk offspring, the undead girl taking the other. After that it was just a matter of a few well placed strikes. For Sam at least. Meg hadn’t been kidding about being able to rip things to shreds. She came over the Basilisks like a demon and left torn bodies in her wake.

When she was done, there was more than a slight tint of red to her figure. She looked Sam up and down, who had more than a little blood on his clothes, too, by now, and threw him a blood splattered grin. “You’re fun. For a knight.”

“People of questionable morals keep telling me that,” Sam said. “Maybe I should reconsider some of my life choices.” One glance at what was left of the poor human the Basilisks had been gnawing on showed him that it wasn’t Dean. He breathed a sigh of relief. At least that was something. He recognized the usual garb of a shepherd. So he had come too late to save at least one of the villagers.

Meg laughed. “You’re clinging to what you think is right too much. And we stuck to our word, didn’t we?” Then she pointed to a part of the cavern that was immersed in shadows. “I think you’re looking for this.”

Sam squinted into the darkness. There was a human figure there, but not moving. Carefully he stepped closer, sword gripped tight. There were bones lying around here, carefully gnawed clean. The other villagers? “Dean?”

The figure in the back was Dean. He was sitting with his back against the wall, but he didn’t look up, his eyes were staring right past his brother. Sam reached out to shake his shoulder – but touched nothing but stone. “No! Dean!”

“Basilisks do that.” That was Lucifer’s voice from the entrance of the cave. “Keeps their food fresh.”

Sam turned around. Somehow the necromancer had managed to stay dry while passing the waterfall, and now he stepped around the carcasses of the Basilisk offspring.

“Is this reversible?” Sam demanded.

“A Basilisk can reverse it,” Lucifer said.

“We don’t have a Basilisk. Can you reverse it?”

Lucifer idly turned the remains of the Basilisk’s dinner around with his foot, looking at the gnawed off face of the man. “Oh, so you do need my help again?”

Did he have to pick this moment for playing games? Sam gritted his teeth and gripped the hilt of his sword so hard it hurt. He forced himself to take a deep breath though. Snapping at Lucifer wouldn’t help his brother. “Can you bring my brother back?”

Lucifer hooked his thumbs under his belt. “Depends on how important morals actually are to you. That spell requires a life.”

For a moment, Sam stared at Lucifer, but the necromancer seemed completely serious for once. Sam chewed on his lower lip in thought. Finding someone who deserved to die anyway shouldn’t be that big of a problem, shouldn’t it?

As the silence stretched, so did a grin on Lucifer’s face. “You’re considering it, aren’t you?” He sauntered closer. “That easy to turn into a murderer, isn’t it?”

Sam closed his eyes against the mocking tone. “Please tell me it doesn’t have to be someone innocent.”

“Would you consider that, too?” Now Lucifer was right in front of him, Sam could feel his body heat, hear his even breaths.

He opened his eyes again to look into Lucifer’s blue ones. “Would I be innocent enough?”

The necromancer lifted an eyebrow. “Willing to die for you brother?”

Sam nodded. Dean had always been the good son. Dean was the one who would rule this piece of land one day. Sam on the other hand, Sam had been a bit odd all his life, a bit too bookish for a knight, a bit too fascinated by the likes of Brady – and now Lucifer. John Winchester needed Dean more than he needed Sam. Adam, Charlie, Jo and Ellen and their whole village needed Dean more than they needed Sam.

Lucifer sighed. “Very noble. Very … knightly …” He said the last word as if he thought Sam was a bit stupid, but he could think whatever he wanted, if he just did what Sam asked of him.

“Will it work or not?”

“It’ll be a waste, that’s what it’ll be!” Lucifer’s voice echoed from the walls of the cavern angrily. His anger died down fast, though, followed by another sigh. “Well, if you’re willing to self-sacrifice, there’s another way.”

“Which way?” Sam didn’t dare hope. This would be something impossible, wouldn’t it?

Lucifer scrutinized him for a moment, before he spoke again. “You’d have to give a few years of your life to power the spell.”

“Done.”

The necromancer rolled his eyes. “As I said, very knightly. I’ll also have to use half of the Basilisk venom I collected today. Which means you owe me, because I could’ve used that for something more worthwhile.”

And there it was. The catch. “What do I owe you?”

That made Lucifer’s smile come back. “Oh look, he hasn’t lost all his sense after all. I half expected you to go: ‘Whatever you want.’ That’d have proved … interesting.”

Sam huffed. “I love my brother, but I’m not stupid. What do I owe you?”

He didn’t get an answer right away. Instead, Lucifer studied him again, tapping his lower lip in thought while he did so. His eyes took in the blood on Sam’s clothes, the sword in his hand. “If your father ever decides to make a move against me, you’ll be on my side.”

Yes, definitely a big catch. “You want me to fight against my own family?”

“Well …” Lucifer waved his hand. “You make it sound so dramatic. You don’t have to fight, if you find another way to get him off my back.”

On second thought, it didn’t sound that bad. Dean would owe Lucifer his life by then. Most of the other Winchester knights might not listen to Sam, but they would definitely listen to Dean. Slowly, Sam wiped his sword on his still wet pants again and sheathed it. “This doesn’t apply in case you attack us first.”

“Fine,” Lucifer said.

“Are we done bartering over my brother’s life then, or is there anything else you want?”

The corners of Lucifer’s mouth twitched. “There is. I want you, mostly naked, in the middle of the ritual circle I’m about to draw.”

Sam blinked at the sudden turn this had taken, but if he was honest, nothing Lucifer did should surprise him anymore by now. After a moment he just lifted an eyebrow, silently asking if the necromancer was serious.

Said necromancer – well, blood mage actually – met his gaze with a face that said he definitely was. “Do you think I can just take a few years of your life with the snap of my fingers? You have to be a part of this spell. You’ll have to do exactly as I say, no matter what happens. And once it’s started, I have to finish it, so if you’re not sure about it, better back out now.” Lucifer looked Sam up and down again. “Oh, and it’ll hurt,” he added as if in an afterthought. “A lot.”

Of course there was another catch. But Sam could live with that one. He took a deep breath. “Fine.” Then: “Did you actually mean the naked part?”

Lucifer threw him a grin. “Yes. Especially all the iron has to go. You can keep your pants on, though.”

“What, you’re passing up a chance to get me out of my pants?” It was probably a bad idea to give Lucifer ideas, but ‘It’ll hurt. A lot.’ was still very present in Sam’s thoughts. He’d grasp for anything that’d take his mind off that fact. Slowly, he undid his sword belt and put the weapons aside.

Lucifer laughed. Mirth danced in his eyes, and Sam decided he liked that look. It died down after a moment, though. “I’ll give that another try later, if you don’t hate me too much by then.”

Well, that sounded promising.

Tagging:  @spn-you-idjits @samwise-the-true-hero @i-bleed-salt@hooker-legs @consultingmooseintimeandspace @ravestablook@shebahda @savagearchangelforthewin2-0 @me-fangirl@hardcorefangirlgroupie@thisisnotsteva @wearemykingdom @coffee-queen448 @askatosch

and here I take my wifey privileges and ask for something from something you didn't say was allowed bc you love me :) philip and lukas, eyewitness "i'm alive, i can tell because of the pain."

DEEPLY. SIGHING. i’m gonna lose followers for this non-related content ALLIE and then I’ll just be left with my friends, the porn bots.

i’ve never written anything for this before in my life and i’ve only seen the show once WEEKS AGO and i know you know this and i know you don’t care so HERE’S THIS THING.

ps to anyone who reads this, i am a swim instructor, and everything in this is A+ solid advice

Eyewitness, Philip and Lukas, "i'm alive, i can tell because of the pain."

The idea originally came when Philip was trying to think of something to give Gabe for his birthday next month. Philip wasn’t good at coming up with gift ideas, and he had no money, so eventually settled on going out on Gabe’s boat, and actually going out on it this time. But since the last time he was in a body of water, he was dragging his unconscious secret-boyfriend back from the brink of death, being out on the lake still didn’t fill him with much calm. He’d mentioned it off-hand to Lukas one day, and Lukas had nodded silently, sympathetically, and didn’t say anything, until the next day he showed up at Philip’s house, thrusted his extra helmet into Philip’s hands, and said today was a Day of Learning.

Now, Philip stood in a YMCA locker room in a pair of borrowed swim trunks, learning that his boyfriend could be an asshole sometimes.

The swim trunks used to be Lukas’s, and he said he grew out of them two summers ago but they were the only ones he could find, and Philip wasn’t totally sure he believed that. They fit snugly around his hips, a faded blue with flames along the sides, and the hem of each leg sat higher above his knees than he’d like.

He looked at himself in the mirror. Lukas was already out in the pool, wearing a normal-size pair of shorts. He left Philip to change alone but said if he wasn’t out there in five minutes he’d come looking for him.

They had just been starting to get to know each other when everything went to shit, before. And now, with everything settled, they were finally figuring out how to be regular people around each other. It was a little backwards. Other couples learned what their significant other liked on their pizza before learning what they looked like tied up and gagged in someone’s trunk.

In the last few months, Philip learned Lukas had the worst taste in music (“John Mayer? Seriously?”), he put ketchup in his macaroni and cheese (“No, I don’t care, you’re not kissing me until you’ve repented for your sins”), and that he can quote almost every single episode of South Park (“Yeah, okay, some of the early stuff is pretty funny.”). One scary afternoon, Philip nearly broke up with him when he found out Lukas supported the Yankees, but they were finally able to overcome.

He also learned that Lukas liked to be kissed right behind his ears, that if there’s a particularly nice-looking sunset he’ll always point it out to Philip, or if Philip wasn’t around, he’ll text him a picture of it. Lukas was not a morning person but reached peak cuteness when he was rumpled and monosyllabic before class, and whenever he was eating something he’d always wordlessly hold it out to Philip to share without even noticing he was doing it.

Philip stared at himself in the streaked YMCA mirror, at the stupid board shorts, and the old, hairy men shamelessly changing behind him. He took in the clangs and the shrieks and the whistles of a public pool, the overwhelming smell of chlorine that actually was a source of comfort for it. None of his water trauma ever happened in a pool.

He grabbed his towel, and gave himself one last look of half-realized confidence. His boyfriend was thoughtful, in an absolutely terrifying way. The least he could do was try and see it through without passing out.

It took him a moment to find Lukas out in the pool. He was swimming laps in a middle lane, his body cutting across the water sharply, but with grace, in the exact same way he jumped ditches on his dirtbike and in the exact same way he kissed. Philip put his towel down on the bleachers and stood at the end of his lane, waiting for him to finish.

Lukas stopped finally, breathing hard, and lifted his goggles off his face. He gaped up at Philip, saying nothing.

“I thought the most embarrassing thing about this was me not knowing how to swim,” Phillip said. “You look like a condom.”

Lukas touched the white swim cap on his head but didn’t remove it. He didn’t look mad though. He only pouted. “My hair will turn green if I don’t wear it.” He looked Philip up and down. “I guess the shorts fit, huh?”

“Barely,” said Philip. “Stop ogling me.” He awkwardly sat down at the end of the lane, letting his feet dangle in the cold turquoise water. Baby steps.

“I’m not ogling,” said Lukas. “I’m inspecting.”

“Yeah, well, this is a step up from a speedo, so I guess I should say thanks.”

Lukas smiled. “You’re welcome.”

It was very hard not grab Lukas by the shoulders and pull him in for a kiss, stupid swim cap be damned. He knew they were being open about their relationship, but there was a fine line between holding hands on the way to class and getting kicked out of a YMCA for public indecency.

“Keep swimming,” Philip said. “I’m gonna get in myself, I don’t need you watching me.”

“Okay.” Lukas put his goggles back on. They were black racing goggles and Philip couldn’t make out his expression at all. “Remember, it’s only four feet deep. Nothing can happen.”

Infants drown in bathtubs all the time, Philip didn’t say. Most drownings at a beach occur in shallow water, where it doesn’t even hit your knees. He just waved Lukas away, wincing at the sudden splash of Lukas’s kicks.

The pool was long, about thirty yards, and Philip genuinely got distracted, watching Lukas swim, so he didn’t move from the pool’s edge until he heard a small voice say, “You should get in like this.”

He glanced down at the lane next to him. A small girl in a purple tutu bathing suit was sitting beside him. She was also wearing a swim cap, except hers was hot pink.

“Watch,” she said. She put both hands on one side of her skirt, turning her body so she was facing away from the pool. She slid in slowly until she was submerged to her shoulders, then kicked off the wall towards a parent waiting for her in the lane. “See?” she called out as she swam away.

“Thanks,” said Philip, because it turned out to be preferable to be looking away from the water when he finally got in.

He stood by the wall, clutching it with both hands in an effort to hold onto something and also to keep as much of his upper body out the water. It was cold.

“Nice job!” Lukas splashed up behind him. He stood there, dripping, huge grin on his face. “C’mon, dude. You’re better off just dunking yourself all the way under. The cold water on your stomach is the worst. Here.”

He took off his goggles and put them on Philip, and suddenly the world was tinted black and foggy.

“This doesn’t make things less scary,” said Philip. “Or less cold.”

“I’ll go under with you,” Lukas said easily. “We’re just going under one time, to get you used to the water. When you’re underwater, you like, lose a lot of your senses, so the goggles are a good way to get more comfortable. It’s less freaky when you can at least see.”

Which made sense. And then Lukas was taking Philip’s hands off the wall, and then he was still holding them, which always made sense to Philip.

“Count of three?” he asked.

Lukas counted, and then he was under, and Philip was going under too. He closed his eyes on instinct, the cold rush of water over his head piercing. But then he opened his eyes and saw Lukas, blurred behind the goggles but close enough to see his serene face underwater, still grinning, his eyes squinting through the chlorine.

Philip wanted to kiss him underwater. It felt cliche. But he did it anyway, only a quick brush of lips before rushing back to the surface with a gasp. They were probably submerged for two seconds at most, but Philip still came up panting.

Lukas came up laughing, his cheeks pink. “Feel better?” he asked.

“Much.” Lukas was still holding his hands.

“Okay,” said Lukas. “We’re not here to teach you strokes, right? Maybe one day, but you don’t need to learn any of that right now.”

“Nah, I’ve gotten pretty good at stroking lately, anyway,” Philip said, eyebrow raised.

The fluorescent lights in the gym and the cold water already made Lukas look extra pale, which in turn made his flush stand out even more.

“Knock it off,” he said, pulling Philip’s goggles onto his forehead. “You just want to be able to feel safe, right? So you can go in Gabe’s boat without freaking. So the best way to save yourself in any body of water is to float.”

“Float?”

“Yeah,” said Lukas. He waded over to the edge of the pool. “My mom showed me how to do it when I was a little kid. Being able to swim is good, or treading water, but sometimes there might not be anywhere to swim to, or you don’t know how long you could be waiting to be rescued, and swimming and treading can tire you out. But you can float forever.”

Philip watched as Lukas put both hands along the gutter that ran inside the pool. He put his feet up on the wall, so high he knobby knees were sticking out of the water. He looked up at the ceiling, his head resting on the gentle waves of the pools.

“The most important thing to do is relax,” Lukas said. He let go of the pool edge, pushing off gently with his feet, and his whole body stretched out along the surface of the water, long legs akimbo, relaxed with that ease so quiet it seemed to shout out to Philip. It was what stuck out to Philip in the first place, what he noticed first about Lukas -- just how loud his quiet could be.

“See?” Lukas said, putting his hands beneath his head like he was sunbathing. “Easy.” He stood up easily, too. He blinked a little water out of his eye, smiling still, and Philip had to remind himself yet again about that fine but firm line between real relationship, and banned from the local YMCA.

But it did look easy. So Philip turned to the wall and mimicked Lukas’s pose. Except as soon as he let go of the wall he sunk like a stone to the bottom of the pool.

He felt a shocking pain in his face at the same time he felt hands hooking under his arms, and Lukas was pulling him up towards the air, pressed against his back. Philip was too busy coughing to appreciation the closeness, feeling like water had shot into every corner of his head.

“Jesus, Philip!” Lukas pounding him between his shoulder. “Are you okay? Philip?”

“I’m fine,” Philip gasped, coughing one more time. He rubbed at his nose fiercely. “I’m fine. I’m alive. I know, because of all the pain.”

Lukas turned him around to look at his face, inspecting him thoroughly. When he detected all signs of life, right down to the streaming nose and watering eyes, he sighed, dropping a hand on the back of Philip’s neck.

“Jeez, okay. You’re not supposed to inhale the water, man, what the fuck.” He rubbed Philip’s neck once and tugged on his hair curling wetly there. “Blowing bubbles is the next thing we’ll work on, alright? And no, that’s not anything dirty or anything, you goddamn pervert.”

“I am an innocent young boy,” said Philip, already trying to work out how he could get at Lukas’s phone, and change his contact name to “Bubbles.”

Lukas snorted, but then his face went serious again. “Do you want to keep going?”

“Yes,” Philip said immediately, and was only a little surprised that he really meant it. “Only -- this time, could you…”

“I’ll hold your head,” Lukas agreed, pulling his hands back. “That’s how my mom taught me. Turn around. You want your goggles on?”

“Nah.” Philip turned, looking out at the bottom of the bleachers, the kids running where they shouldn’t, the slick tiles littered with stray hairs and sports bottles. It was different from his other experiences, which was mostly true about everything that happened with Lukas. Even the water felt different on his skin, lighter, cleaner. It made a difference, he realized as he glanced down, to be able to see your foot beneath the surface, planted firmly on a nearby ground.

Then he felt finger tips cupping the back of his head. “Trust fall,” Lukas said quietly in his ear, humor evident in his tone. “Just let your feet rise up.”

Philip started to fall back, head safely pillowed by Lukas’s palms, and he closed his eyes, again on instinct. He felt his feet drift up to the surface slightly as Lukas walked them backwards.

“Push your stomach out,” Lukas said in his ear. “Relax. Spread your legs and tilt your hips up.”

Philip smiled, eyes still closed, as he followed instructions. “Now, why does that sound familiar?”

Lukas tugged on a lock of Philip’s hair sharply. “You are ruining so many childhood memories for me, man.”

“Sorry,” said Philip said, then he added, “You’re making some of mine better, though.”

Lukas didn’t say anything, just continued walking them back, letting the flow of the water pull Philip’s body upwards. Philip could feel Lukas’s fingers rubbing his scalp in ten small circles, occasionally feeling a hand drift away from his head so Lukas was only holding him with one before the other returned again and he’d alternate.

“Just relax, dude.” Lukas was slowly u-turning in the lane, carefully making sure Philip’s feet didn’t knock into the hard plastic of the lane lines as they headed back to the shallow end. “But like, don’t fall asleep.”

“I’m not,” said Philip. He felt awake. His eyes were still closed, and the only sound he could hear clearly was Lukas’s voice, hovering right over his ear. Everything else was muted, the echo of the pool area and the splash of other swimmers became as distant as a rainstorm coming down miles away from Helen and Gabe’s house, the thunder and lightning only known if he happened to glance out the window.

His toes breached the surface of the pool finally, and the sway of the water, the hands in his hair, and the muffled noise reminded him of being a boy, half in a dream and mindless of the city still running outside the thin walls of their crappy apartment.

“You doing alright, Philip?”

Philip’s hands hung uselessly at his side, until he reached up with one, careful to keep his balance on the top of the water. “This is easy,” he said, circling one of Lukas’s wrists tightly. He kept his eyes closed, and Lukas kept him afloat.

When You’re Scared of Feeling Your Feelings

Experiencing sadness, anger, anxiety and other “negative” feelings can be hard. In fact, many of us just don’t do it. Because we’re afraid. We’ve “been taught that [negative emotions] are ‘not OK,’ that there is not a way to address them, or that they are not valid feelings,” said Britton Peters, a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Washington.

Maybe when you cried, your caregivers told you to be quiet and get over it. Maybe they sent you to time-out. Maybe they told you to stop whining and be strong.

Maybe your caregivers ignored or dismissed their own emotions or didn’t express them in healthy, responsible ways, said Kat Dahlen deVos, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in San Francisco. Which means you dismiss or ignore your feelings, too.

Maybe you’ve always thrown yourself into work or a busy social life or several glasses of wine, deVos said. Which means you didn’t get much practice in actually feeling your feelings. And without much practice, it’s all-too easy not to trust that you can tolerate negative feelings. It’s all-too easy to think you’ll fall apart.

We’re also scared of negative feelings because as a society we see these emotions as weak, as making us open to hurt or betrayal from others, Peters said. “When was the last time you saw someone crying and thought how strong they were? Or heard someone discussing sadness and thought how brave they were?”

Instead, we think someone who’s crying or upset doesn’t have control over their emotions, or themselves. Maybe we think how embarrassing. Because we’d be embarrassed to be so exposed in public, or even with another person. Instead, we worship happiness, and prefer to gloss over and snap out of our sadness. So we pretend that everything is OK, because that’s what we see as “strong.” But vulnerability is strength.

And feeling our feelings is vital. It’s vital to our health and well-being. Because “whatever it is we don’t want to feel will eventually find a way to be known,” deVos said. It’ll find a way to be known through tension headaches or insomnia, or through anxiety or depression, she said.

By not feeling a feeling, we also “give it power to hurt us in the future,” Peters said. However, when we acknowledge and validate our feelings, we empower ourselves. We learn that “It will be OK,” and we learn “I have the necessary tools to handle when something uncomfortable comes.”

Below, deVos and Peters shared how to ease into feeling your feelings.

Notice your physical sensations. Notice the sensations that accompany your emotions. Tight chest. Queasy stomach. Heavy head. Heat in the face. Shallow breathing. Cold hands. Tension in the shoulders. “What we call emotions are actually just somatic, bodily, experiences that we’ve grouped together and paired with memories, associations, and meanings we’ve created,” said deVos.

Spotting your physical sensations is a neutral approach that prevents you from categorizing emotions as good or bad. Using such categories only fuels our aversion to our “negative” feelings. However, when we track our sensations, “we can ease into feeling the emotion without sounding the alarm to the brain that we’re doing so,” deVos said.

Bookmark your emotions. Once you get comfortable with noticing your physical sensations, you can move on to naming the emotion. According to deVos, “When you notice a feeling, stick a metaphorical bookmark in it by labeling the emotion, if you are able.” If you can’t identify the feeling, simply say, “Feeling,” she said.

Doing this helps you develop an emotional vocabulary, and it helps you “build your capacity to be with and tolerate uncomfortable emotions: As you lean into noticing and naming your emotional experience, your nervous system learns that it’s safe to wade into murkier feelings.”

Validate your feelings. Peters suggested practicing this “mindful cloud” imagery: Imagine a fluffy cloud over you. Your feelings are written in the cloud (such as “sad” or “hopeful”). Select one feeling, and address it. Consider where it came from, and how you can handle it. Next address another feeling. When you’re done, imagine the cloud floating away. “You have addressed and explored those feelings; they were just passing through.”

Reflect on your emotions. According to Peters, ask yourself these questions to gain a deeper understanding of your emotions: What emotions do I feel most often? What are they like? Which emotions spark fear? How do I express these emotions? For instance, you might note that when you’re sad, you scream at your spouse and then isolate yourself. When you’re furious, you become silent and stew in your anger.

Use more emotion words in your day to day. For instance, Peters suggested using emotion words in your conversations with friends, such as: “I’m sorry your boss yelled at you and sent you home early. That sounds really tough. I bet that made you sad and frustrated.” Add in how you felt when you’re describing your own events, as well. “You would be surprised how many unidentified/unrecognized emotional experiences you have in a day.”

Comfort yourself. Find soothing activities that specifically work for you, Peters said. For instance, you might diffuse oils as you listen to a guided meditation. You might stretch your body or take a long walk.

Peters likes this Ted talk, called “The 3 A’s of awesome,” from Neil Pasricha about the power of little things in our lives. “My favorite is when he mentions how wonderful, and underappreciated, warm sheets out of the dryer are. What a simple, but cozy experience it is to wrap up and feel warm and comfortable all over.”

Feeling our feelings is not easy. It’s much easier to dismiss them or to reach for a quick fix. But when we do, we’re only dismissing ourselves. We’re only stopping ourselves from learning and growing. Honor your feelings. Go as slowly as you need to acknowledge and experience them. The more you do, the easier and more natural it will become.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/12/when-youre-scared-of-feeling-your-feelings/

When You’re Scared of Feeling Your Feelings

Experiencing sadness, anger, anxiety and other “negative” feelings can be hard. In fact, many of us just don’t do it. Because we’re afraid. We’ve “been taught that [negative emotions] are ‘not OK,’ that there is not a way to address them, or that they are not valid feelings,” said Britton Peters, a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Washington.

Maybe when you cried, your caregivers told you to be quiet and get over it. Maybe they sent you to time-out. Maybe they told you to stop whining and be strong.

Maybe your caregivers ignored or dismissed their own emotions or didn’t express them in healthy, responsible ways, said Kat Dahlen deVos, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in San Francisco. Which means you dismiss or ignore your feelings, too.

Maybe you’ve always thrown yourself into work or a busy social life or several glasses of wine, deVos said. Which means you didn’t get much practice in actually feeling your feelings. And without much practice, it’s all-too easy not to trust that you can tolerate negative feelings. It’s all-too easy to think you’ll fall apart.

We’re also scared of negative feelings because as a society we see these emotions as weak, as making us open to hurt or betrayal from others, Peters said. “When was the last time you saw someone crying and thought how strong they were? Or heard someone discussing sadness and thought how brave they were?”

Instead, we think someone who’s crying or upset doesn’t have control over their emotions, or themselves. Maybe we think how embarrassing. Because we’d be embarrassed to be so exposed in public, or even with another person. Instead, we worship happiness, and prefer to gloss over and snap out of our sadness. So we pretend that everything is OK, because that’s what we see as “strong.” But vulnerability is strength.

And feeling our feelings is vital. It’s vital to our health and well-being. Because “whatever it is we don’t want to feel will eventually find a way to be known,” deVos said. It’ll find a way to be known through tension headaches or insomnia, or through anxiety or depression, she said.

By not feeling a feeling, we also “give it power to hurt us in the future,” Peters said. However, when we acknowledge and validate our feelings, we empower ourselves. We learn that “It will be OK,” and we learn “I have the necessary tools to handle when something uncomfortable comes.”

Below, deVos and Peters shared how to ease into feeling your feelings.

Notice your physical sensations. Notice the sensations that accompany your emotions. Tight chest. Queasy stomach. Heavy head. Heat in the face. Shallow breathing. Cold hands. Tension in the shoulders. “What we call emotions are actually just somatic, bodily, experiences that we’ve grouped together and paired with memories, associations, and meanings we’ve created,” said deVos.

Spotting your physical sensations is a neutral approach that prevents you from categorizing emotions as good or bad. Using such categories only fuels our aversion to our “negative” feelings. However, when we track our sensations, “we can ease into feeling the emotion without sounding the alarm to the brain that we’re doing so,” deVos said.

Bookmark your emotions. Once you get comfortable with noticing your physical sensations, you can move on to naming the emotion. According to deVos, “When you notice a feeling, stick a metaphorical bookmark in it by labeling the emotion, if you are able.” If you can’t identify the feeling, simply say, “Feeling,” she said.

Doing this helps you develop an emotional vocabulary, and it helps you “build your capacity to be with and tolerate uncomfortable emotions: As you lean into noticing and naming your emotional experience, your nervous system learns that it’s safe to wade into murkier feelings.”

Validate your feelings. Peters suggested practicing this “mindful cloud” imagery: Imagine a fluffy cloud over you. Your feelings are written in the cloud (such as “sad” or “hopeful”). Select one feeling, and address it. Consider where it came from, and how you can handle it. Next address another feeling. When you’re done, imagine the cloud floating away. “You have addressed and explored those feelings; they were just passing through.”

Reflect on your emotions. According to Peters, ask yourself these questions to gain a deeper understanding of your emotions: What emotions do I feel most often? What are they like? Which emotions spark fear? How do I express these emotions? For instance, you might note that when you’re sad, you scream at your spouse and then isolate yourself. When you’re furious, you become silent and stew in your anger.

Use more emotion words in your day to day. For instance, Peters suggested using emotion words in your conversations with friends, such as: “I’m sorry your boss yelled at you and sent you home early. That sounds really tough. I bet that made you sad and frustrated.” Add in how you felt when you’re describing your own events, as well. “You would be surprised how many unidentified/unrecognized emotional experiences you have in a day.”

Comfort yourself. Find soothing activities that specifically work for you, Peters said. For instance, you might diffuse oils as you listen to a guided meditation. You might stretch your body or take a long walk.

Peters likes this Ted talk, called “The 3 A’s of awesome,” from Neil Pasricha about the power of little things in our lives. “My favorite is when he mentions how wonderful, and underappreciated, warm sheets out of the dryer are. What a simple, but cozy experience it is to wrap up and feel warm and comfortable all over.”

Feeling our feelings is not easy. It’s much easier to dismiss them or to reach for a quick fix. But when we do, we’re only dismissing ourselves. We’re only stopping ourselves from learning and growing. Honor your feelings. Go as slowly as you need to acknowledge and experience them. The more you do, the easier and more natural it will become.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2z3wKRL via IFTTT

15 I enter a nightmare from which I wake repeatedly only to find a greater terror awaiting me. All the things I dread most, all the things I dread for others manifest in such vivid detail I can't help but believe they're real. Each time I wake, I think, At last, this is over, but it isn't. It's only the beginning of a new chapter of torture. How many ways do I watch Prim die? Relive my father's last moments? Feel my own body ripped apart? This is the nature of the tracker jacker venom, so carefully created to target the place where fear lives in your brain. When I finally do come to my senses, I lie still, waiting for the next onslaught of imagery. But eventually I accept that the poison must have finally worked its way out of my system, leaving my body wracked and feeble. I'm still lying on my side, locked in the fetal position. I lift a hand to my eyes to find them sound, untouched by ants that never existed. Simply stretching out my limbs requires an enormous effort. So many parts of me hurt, it doesn't seem worthwhile taking inventory of them. Very, very slowly I manage to sit up. I'm in a shallow hole, not filled with the humming orange bubbles of my hallucination but with old, dead leaves. My clothing's damp, but I don't know whether pond water, dew, rain, or sweat is the cause. For a long time, all I can do is take tiny sips from my bottle and watch a beetle crawl up the side of a honeysuckle bush. How long have I been out? It was morning when I lost reason. Now it's afternoon. But the stiffness in my joints suggests more than a day has passed, even two possibly. If so, I'll have no way of knowing which tributes survived that tracker jacker attack. Not Glimmer or the girl from District 4. But there was the boy from District 1, both tributes from District 2, and Peeta. Did they die from the stings? Certainly if they lived, their last days must have been as horrid as my own. And what about Rue? She's so small, it wouldn't take much venom to do her in. But then again. the tracker jackers would've had to catch her, and she had a good head start. A foul, rotten taste pervades my mouth, and the water has little effect on it. I drag myself over to the honeysuckle bush and pluck a flower. I gently pull the stamen through the blossom and set the drop of nectar on my tongue. The sweetness spreads through my mouth, down my throat, warming my veins with memories of summer, and my home woods and Gale's presence beside me. For some reason, our discussion from that last morning comes back to me. "We could do it, you know." "What?" "Leave the district. Run off. Live in the woods. You and I, we could make it." And suddenly, I'm not thinking of Gale but of Peeta and. Peeta! He saved my life! I think. Because by the time we met up, I couldn't tell what was real and what the tracker jacker venom had caused me to imagine. But if he did, and my instincts tell me he did, what for? Is he simply working the Lover Boy angle he initiated at the interview? Or was he actually trying to protect me? And if he was, what was he doing with those Careers in the first place? None of it makes sense. I wonder what Gale made of the incident for a moment and then I push the whole thing out of my mind because for some reason Gale and Peeta do not coexist well together in my thoughts. So I focus on the one really good thing that's happened since I landed in the arena. I have a bow and arrows! A full dozen arrows if you count the one I retrieved in the tree. They bear no trace of the noxious green slime that came from Glimmer's body  -  which leads me to believe that might not have been wholly real  -  but they have a fair amount of dried blood on them. I can clean them later, but I do take a minute to shoot a few into a nearby tree. They are more like the weapons in the Training Center than my ones at home, but who cares? That I can work with. The weapons give me an entirely new perspective on the Games. I know I have tough opponents left to face. But I am no longer merely prey that runs and hides or takes desperate measures. If Cato broke through the trees right now, I wouldn't flee, I'd shoot. I find I'm actually anticipating the moment with pleasure. But first, I have to get some strength back in my body. I'm very dehydrated again and my water supply is dangerously low. The little padding I was able to put on by gorging myself during prep time in the Capitol is gone, plus several more pounds as well. My hip bones and ribs are more prominent than I remember them being since those awful months after my father's death. And then there are my wounds to contend with  -  burns, cuts, and bruises from smashing into the trees, and three tracker jacker stings, which are as sore and swollen as ever. I treat my burns with the ointment and try dabbing a bit on my stings as well, but it has no effect on them. My mother knew a treatment for them, some type of leaf that could draw out the poison, but she seldom had cause to use it, and I don't even remember its name let alone its appearance. Water first, I think. You can hunt along the way now. It's easy to see the direction I came from by the path of destruction my crazed body made through the foliage. So I walk off in the other direction, hoping my enemies still lie locked in the surreal world of tracker jacker venom. I can't move too quickly, my joints reject any abrupt motions. But I establish the slow hunter's tread I use when tracking game. Within a few minutes, I spot a rabbit and make my first kill with the bow and arrow. It's not my usual clean shot through the eye, but I'll take it. After about an hour, I find a stream, shallow but wide, and more than sufficient for my needs. The sun's hot and severe, so while I wait for my water to purify I strip down to my underclothes and wade into the mild current. I'm filthy from head to toe, I try splashing myself but eventually just lay down in the water for a few minutes, letting it wash off the soot and blood and skin that has started to peel off my burns. After rinsing out my clothes and hanging them on bushes to dry, I sit on the bank in the sun for a bit, untangling my hair with my fingers. My appetite returns and I eat a cracker and a strip of beef. With a handful of moss, I polish the blood from my silver weapons. Refreshed, I treat my burns again, braid back my hair, and dress in the damp clothes, knowing the sun will dry them soon enough. Following the stream against its current seems the smartest course of action. I'm traveling uphill now, which I prefer, with a source of fresh water not only for myself but possible game. I easily take out a strange bird that must be some form of wild turkey. Anyway, it looks plenty edible to me. By late afternoon, I decide to build a small fire to cook the meat, betting that dusk will help conceal the smoke and I can quench the fire by nightfall. I clean the game, taking extra care with the bird, but there's nothing alarming about it. Once the feathers are plucked, it's no bigger than a chicken, but it's plump and firm. I've just placed the first lot over the coals when I hear the twig snap. In one motion, I turn to the sound, bringing the bow and arrow to my shoulder. There's no one there. No one I can see anyway. Then I spot the tip of a child's boot just peeking out from behind the trunk of a tree. My shoulders relax and I grin. She can move through the woods like a shadow, you have to give her that. How else could she have followed me? The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them. "You know, they're not the only ones who can form alliances," I say. For a moment, no response. Then one of Rue's eyes edges around the trunk. "You want me for an ally?" "Why not? You saved me with those tracker jackers. You're smart enough to still be alive. And I can't seem to shake you anyway," I say. She blinks at me, trying to decide. "You hungry?" I can see her swallow hard, her eye flickering to the meat. "Come on then, I've had two kills today." Rue tentatively steps out into the open. "I can fix your stings." "Can you?" I ask. "How?" She digs in the pack she carries and pulls out a handful of leaves. I'm almost certain they're the ones my mother uses. "Where'd you find those?" "Just around. We all carry them when we work in the orchards. They left a lot of nests there," says Rue. "There are a lot here, too." "That's right. You're District Eleven. Agriculture," I say. "Orchards, huh? That must be how you can fly around the trees like you've got wings." Rue smiles. I've landed on one of the few things she'll admit pride in. "Well, come on, then. Fix me up." I plunk down by the fire and roll up my pant leg to reveal the sting on my knee. To my surprise, Rue places the handful of leaves into her mouth and begins to chew them. My mother would use other methods, but it's not like we have a lot of options. After a minute or so, Rue presses a gloppy green wad of chewed leaves and spit on my knee. "Ohhh." The sound comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. It's as if the leaves are actually leaching the pain right out of the sting. Rue gives a giggle. "Lucky you had the sense to pull the stingers out or you'd be a lot worse." "Do my neck! Do my cheek!" I almost beg. Rue stuffs another handful of leaves in her mouth, and soon I'm laughing because the relief is so sweet. I notice a long burn on Rue's forearm. "I've got something for that." I set aside my weapons and anoint her arm with the burn medicine. "You have good sponsors," she says longingly. "Have you gotten anything yet?" I ask. She shakes her head. "You will, though. Watch. The closer we get to the end, the more people will realize how clever you are." I turn the meat over. "You weren't joking, about wanting me for an ally?" she asks. "No, I meant it," I say. I can almost hear Haymitch groaning as I team up with this wispy child. But I want her. Because she's a survivor, and I trust her, and why not admit it? She reminds me of Prim. "Okay," she says, and holds out her hand. We shake. "It's a deal." Of course, this kind of deal can only be temporary, but neither of us mentions that. Rue contributes a big handful of some sort of starchy root to the meal. Roasted over the fire, they have the sharp sweet taste of a parsnip. She recognizes the bird, too, some wild thing they call a groosling in her district. She says sometimes a flock will wander into the orchard and they get a decent lunch that day. For a while, all conversation stops as we fill our stomachs. The groosling has delicious meal that's so fatty, the grease drips down your face when you bite into it. "Oh," says Rue with a sigh. "I've never had a whole leg to myself before." I'll bet she hasn't. I'll bet meat hardly ever comes her way. "Take the other," I say. "Really?" she asks. "Take whatever you want. Now that I've got a bow and arrows, I can get more. Plus I've got snares. I can show you how to set them," I say. Rue still looks uncertainly at the leg. "Oh, take it," I say, putting the drumstick in her hands. "It will only keep a few days anyway, and we've got the whole bird plus the rabbit." Once she's got hold of it, her appetite wins out and she takes a huge mouthful. "I'd have thought, in District Eleven, you'd have a bit more to eat than us. You know, since you grow the food," I say. Rue's eyes widen. "Oh, no, we're not allowed to eat the crops." "They arrest you or something?" I ask. "They whip you and make everyone else watch," says Rue. "The mayor's very strict about it." I can tell by her expression that it's not that uncommon an occurrence. A public whipping's a rare thing in District 12, although occasionally one occurs. Technically, Gale and I could be whipped on a daily basis for poaching in the woods  -  well, technically, we could get a whole lot worse  -  except all the officials buy our meat. Besides, our mayor, Madge's father, doesn't seem to have much taste for such events. Maybe being the least prestigious, poorest, most ridiculed district in the country has its advantages. Such as, being largely ignored by the Capitol as long as we produce our coal quotas. "Do you get all the coal you want?" Rue asks. "No," I answer. "Just what we buy and whatever we track in on our boots." "They feed us a bit extra during harvest, so that people can keep going longer," says Rue. "Don't you have to be in school?" I ask. "Not during harvest. Everyone works then," says Rue. It's interesting, hearing about her life. We have so little communication with anyone outside our district. In fact, I wonder if the Gamemakers are blocking out our conversation, because even though the information seems harmless, they don't want people in different districts to know about one another. At Rue's suggestion, we lay out all our food to plan ahead. She's seen most of mine, but I add the last couple of crackers and beef strips to the pile. She's gathered quite a collection of roots, nuts, greens, and even some berries. I roll an unfamiliar berry in my fingers. "You sure this is safe?" "Oh, yes, we have them back home. I've been eating them for days," she says, popping a handful in her mouth. I tentatively bite into one, and it's as good as our blackberries. Taking Rue on as an ally seems a better choice all the time. We divide up our food supplies, so in case we're separated, we'll both be set for a few days. Apart from the food, Rue has a small water skin, a homemade slingshot, and an extra pair of socks. She also has a sharp shard of rock she uses as a knife. "I know it's not much," she says as if embarrassed, "but I had to get away from the Cornucopia fast." "You did just right," I say. When I spread out my gear, she gasps a little when she sees the sunglasses. "How did you get those?" she asks. "In my pack. They've been useless so far. They don't block the sun and they make it harder to see," I say with a shrug. "These aren't for sun, they're for darkness," exclaims Rue. "Sometimes, when we harvest through the night, they'll pass out a few pairs to those of us highest in the trees. Where the torchlight doesn't reach. One time, this boy Martin, he tried to keep his pair. Hid it in his pants. They killed him on the spot." "They killed a boy for taking these?" I say. "Yes, and everyone knew he was no danger. Martin wasn't right in the head. I mean, he still acted like a three-year-old. He just wanted the glasses to play with," says Rue. Hearing this makes me feel like District 12 is some sort of safe haven. Of course, people keel over from starvation all the time, but I can't imagine the Peacekeepers murdering a simpleminded child. There's a little girl, one of Greasy Sae's grandkids, who wanders around the Hob. She's not quite right, but she's treated as a sort of pet. People toss her scraps and things. "So what do these do?" I ask Rue, taking the glasses. "They let you see in complete darkness," says Rue. "Try them tonight when the sun goes down." I give Rue some matches and she makes sure I have plenty of leaves in case my stings flare up again. We extinguish our fire and head upstream until it's almost nightfall. "Where do you sleep?" I ask her. "In the trees?" She nods. "In just your jacket?" Rue holds up her extra pair of socks. "I have these for my hands." I think of how cold the nights have been. "You can share my sleeping bag if you want. We'll both easily fit." Her face lights up. I can tell this is more than she dared hope for. We pick a fork high in a tree and settle in for the night just as the anthem begins to play. There were no deaths today. "Rue, I only woke up today. How many nights did I miss?" The anthem should block out our words, but still I whisper. I even take the precaution of covering my lips with my hand. I don't want the audience to know what I'm planning to tell her about Peeta. Taking a cue from me, she does the same. "Two," she says. "The girls from Districts One and Four are dead. There's ten of us left." "Something strange happened. At least, I think it did. It might have been the tracker jacker venom making me imagine things," I say. "You know the boy from my district? Peeta? I think he saved my life. But he was with the Careers." "He's not with them now," she says. "I've spied on their base camp by the lake. They made it back before they collapsed from the stingers. But he's not there. Maybe he did save you and had to run." I don't answer. If, in fact, Peeta did save me, I'm in his debt again. And this can't be paid back. "If he did, it was all probably just part of his act. You know, to make people think he's in love with me." "Oh," says Rue thoughtfully. "I didn't think that was an act." "Course it is," I say. "He worked it out with our mentor." The anthem ends and the sky goes dark. "Let's try out these glasses." I pull out the glasses and slip them on. Rue wasn't kidding. I can see everything from the leaves on the trees to a skunk strolling through the bushes a good fifty feet away. I could kill it from here if I had a mind to. I could kill anyone. "I wonder who else got a pair of these," I say. "The Careers have two pairs. But they've got everything down by the lake," Rue says. "And they're so strong." "We're strong, too," I say. "Just in a different way." "You are. You can shoot," she says. "What can I do?" "You can feed yourself. Can they?" I ask. "They don't need to. They have all those supplies," Rue says. "Say they didn't. Say the supplies were gone. How long would they last?" I say. "I mean, it's the Hunger Games, right?" "But, Katniss, they're not hungry," says Rue. "No, they're not. That's the problem," I agree. And for the first time, I have a plan. A plan that isn't motivated by the need for flight and evasion. An offensive plan. "I think we're going to have to fix that, Rue."