no matter how many times I’m reminded that my friend has had pretty much the exact same aspec experience as me, I always forget that she will always Get It.

What is a recurring thought on your mind today? lol it’s 5 in the morning and I’m thinking about getting more egg rolls for lunch. I had been craving them for awhile and finally had some last night and now I want more. Have you had any confrontations with anyone lately? No. What is the last charity you donated to? A cancer research charity. Do you feel all fuzzy and good when you do a good deed? It does feel good to do good. Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? I wouldn’t know, but I get stomach cramps and they’re not fun at all, so I imagine a foot cramp isn’t either.

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? I don’t think so.  Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? Sleeping, but c’mon when do I ever go to bed before 7 or 8AM anymore? Do you have anything planned for the summer? Couldn’t do anything this summer. I’m so glad we’re in August though and summer is almost overrrrrr. What is something you worry about often? Health related things. Constantly. Are there any mountains nearby where you live? No. Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? No.  Do you walk fast or slow? I’m a fast wheeler I’m told. Do you keep birthday cards or throw them out? I keep them. I don’t get very many anymore, though.  Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. Nope, not in any way. Do you play any team sports? Nope. If so, which position do you play? - Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? Yes. I’m very impatient and the waiting just makes me more anxious. What form of public transport do you use most often? I don’t take any public transportation anymore, but I used to take the bus sometimes in college. Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? Ha, no.  Do you ever go onto ‘failblog’? I’m not familiar with that. Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? No. Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? No. I use the reminder app on my phone and/or write it down on my marker board. Would you eat a spider for $50? Absolutely NOT. Nopeeeeeee. Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? Koala, I guess. What is a common slang word from where you live? ”Hella” used to be a very Californian thing, but everyone says it now so I don’t know. Do you keep your fingers on the home keys when you type? I don’t type the proper way. I’ve been on the computer and typing since I was a kid, I even took a typing class, but I still don’t type the proper way haha. How I type works for me, though, sooo. *shrug* Are you easy to talk to? People have told me that. Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I tried to juggle. Has anyone ever assumed you can’t speak English? No, but people have assumed that I speak Spanish. Do you live in a rural or an urban area? Urban. At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? It crossed my mind. Do your parents ever call you ‘pet’ or ‘sweetheart’ etc? Not those two specifically, but other terms of endearment. We have our own that we’ve made up for each other as well. If so, does it annoy you? No, not at all. Do you like jalapenos? I loved ‘em, but I can’t eat spicy food anymore. :( What other windows have you currently got opened? Just this one. What woke you up this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but when I get up it’ll be well past morning. I don’t even go to bed until the morning. :/ Who else is in the same building as you? My parents, brother, and doggo are home as well. Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? A what? Your name? Stephanie. Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? Sure. Would you like to visit Venice? Yes. Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? Uh, no. I wasn’t the kid who played in leaf piles or played with/ate dirt or anything.  What is the largest body of water near your hometown? California is near the Pacific. Do you have any flags in your house? Yes. Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? Not in my neighborhood that I know of, but yeah some public places in town do. Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? No. Are you double-jointed? My thumbs are. At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? I managed to get by in science, but it wasn’t my favorite. Which did you prefer between geography/history? History. Have you ever had a main part in a play? No. Are there any musical instruments in the room you’re in? No. Can you name a difference between RNA and DNA? Uhhh. I’m blanking. Do you know anyone who owns a farm? No. Have you ever driven a tractor? No. Does the smell of the countryside bother you? It’s quite pungent, ha. I guess if you live out there you get used to it, but anytime I drive through the country I just gag. Do you drink more water or juice? Water. I don’t drink juice at all.

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. Sweater weather, most definitely.  Have you ever kissed a Zachary? No. Do you hate when people try to embarrass you? Uh, well yeah. Do you like in October when a bunch of haunted places open up? I don’t go to any, but yeah. I just love spooky season in general. Did you tell someone you loved them today? Not so far. Do you watch the show Ghost Adventures? No. My dad watches it, though, so I’ve seen parts of it here and there. What color are your curtains in your bedroom? Dark blue. Are you superstitious? I do the knock on wood thing, but I think that’s really just out of habit. Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? No, I don’t have a cat. What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekend? I don’t do anything different from weekdays. All my days are the same. Do you have your license? No. Do you still watch cartoons? I still watch Rugrats, Doug, and Hey Arnold. And animated movies. Do you like to cook? Only ramen. Do you drink? Nope. Do you smoke? Nope. Where do you buy your clothes? Hot Topic, Boxlunch, Adidas website, and Kohl’s.  Do you enjoy going to the movies? Yes. I miss being able to go. Are you still in school? Nopeeee, I’m done. Do you like cupcakes? Yes.

What makes you sad? A lot of things. I’m also just a sad, sleepy, sensitive soul as I like to say. Are you an animal lover? Yes. Are you hot-headed? I’m not quick to anger, but I do get irritated and frustrated quite easily. Do you have any siblings? I have 2 brothers. Are you afraid of snakes? YES. Do you have any pets? Yes, I have a doggo. <3 What color are your eyes? Brown. How bout your hair? I dye it red, but it’s naturally dark brown. How tall are you? Like 5′4. Who do you live with? My parents, brother, and doggo. Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? No. Do you have kids? No. Do you love your family? Yes. They’re my world. What color hair do you prefer on the gender of your choice? I don’t really care. How bout eye color? Blue and green eyes are gorgeous.  Do you have a job? If so, what? No.  What is your dream job? I don’t have one. :/ What did you “wanna be” when you were a little kid? A teacher. What’s your favorite kind of movie? Psychological thrillers, horror, drama, romcoms, comedy, some action/adventure, /sci-fi... I like a variety. Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? Straight. What kind of music is your favorite? I like variety. Do you play any instruments or sing? What kind? No. Have you ever been to a concert? If so, what was your favorite one? Yeah, several. I enjoyed them all, concerts are just awesome. It’s a cool experience.  Are you more negative or more positive? Negative. Well, for myself. I can be positive for others. Have you ever been depressed? I have chronic depression. How are you feeling, dear? Tired and crappy. Mhm and how’s the weather where you’re at? It’s 6AM and it’s already 64F.  Okay and have you been healthy lately? No. Are you in middle school, high school, college, graduate? I’m done with school. What is/was your favorite class? English was always my favorite and then in college I was able to take psych courses, which is also what I majored in, so I liked those. Have you made any life altering decisions lately? No. Where is your favourite place to get pizza? This local place.

Do you have any physical traits that are bothering you lately? My hair.

What is the closest store to you? A grocery store. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? Not at the moment. Have you made a CV? No. I had to Google what a CV was.  Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) I haven’t. Are you photogenic? Nope. Are there any concert venues where you live? Yes. Are you annoyed at anyone these days? I’m always annoyed with myself. Which continent would you most like to travel to and why? Europe. There’s a ton of places I’d like to visit. Have you ever/would you ever do volunteer work? I’ve done a lot of volunteer work. Do you know anyone that has died in a road accident? No. Do you know which career path you want to follow? No. Are there a lot of tourists where you live? No. There’s not shit to do or see of interest here. My state is a touristy state, though. Any plans for your next birthday? This year I obviously just stayed home, but my family made it nice. My brother got me coffee, breakfast, and a coffee cake from my favorite place, my mom, brother, and I watched this new creepy movie, You Should Have Left, then we just hung out until dinnertime, which was my fave, Wingstop, and then I opened presents.

Do you have to use public transport often? Not at all anymore, but when I was in college I had to take the bus sometimes. Does your house have an alarm? Yes. Have you ever asked someone out on a date? No. Whose grave did you last visit? My dog, Brandie, is buried in our backyard. My dad made a really nice gravesite for her. What’s something someone can do that makes you melt? A guy that can play the piano. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video  If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first? The first thing after paying off debts would be a new house for my family and I. What’s your greatest fear?  Death, disease, bugs, clusters. <<<< SAME. Gaaaaah the last one just made my skin crawl from seeing the word. Those are just a few of many fears for me. Has anyone upset you in the last week? Yes. What’s the best thing about you? I like my cheesy, corny sense of humor. What’s your favorite drink? Coffee. What are you going to do tomorrow? Same stuff I do everyday. What are you craving? I want more egg rolls like I had last night. How did you sleep last night? I don’t ever feel like I slept well. I never wake up feeling well rested. Does that really happen for people cause I can’t relate.

What was the first thing you thought this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet.

If your favorite food gave you pain, made you have acne, etc., would you still eat it? I’d just have to eat it less often and less of it. Unless it made me really sick or something or was very intense and unpleasant. Like I can’t have spicy food at all anymore except for the weak hot sauce that has like less than 2% of anything, but even that I can only have a little bit of. I can’t drench my food in it, just light dips. It sucks cause I used to be obsessed with spicy food, and I used to eat really spicy stuff.

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? Yeah.

Are you a timid person? Yes.

Think QUICK what word begins with c? Coffee!

Are you a funny person? I think I have my funny moments and now and then and trust me, when they happen I make sure to own ‘em cause they’re rare haha.  Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? Personality is the most important, looks only go so far. Personality goes on a much deeper level and who a person is matters a lot more to me than their looks. That being said, I can’t say looks don’t matter at all. I also want to add that a good personality can add to someone’s attractiveness. 

Ever been so upset but didn’t understand why? Yeah. I get these moody moods that are sometimes triggered, but there’s a lot of times where they seem to just come on out of nowhere. I suppose it’s the depression, but like I can be having a decent day and then suddenly I’ll feel my mood changing and nothing in that moment changed that would seem to cause the sudden change. I just feel it coming on and once it does, I can’t stop it. My emotions very much control me. 

Are you a flirty person? No. I can be if I’m interested in someone and I’m comfortable around them enough to be flirty. Though, it’s probably subtle. 

Are you homophobic? No.

Ever had a rumor spread about you? No.

Has anyone ever pulled your pants down in public? Nooo. 

Ever had the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with your parents? Yeah.

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? Wow. I would feel extremely bad and shitty to say the least.

Are you a sympathetic person? Yes. I’m also very empathetic. 

Ballet dance or hip hop dance? If I could, I would have tried hip hop. What’s currently bothering you right now? My stomach. 

What is the most athletic you’ve done? When I had to participate in my adaptive PE classes. That’s literally the only time.

Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for? I don’t have those kinds of feelings for anyone at the moment.

Do you like to drink herbal tea? Yeah, now and then. I’m not a big tea drinker.

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? No.

What your favorite thing to have on toast? Butter.

Has anyone ever hung up on you? Yeah, but only like telemarketers and wrong numbers.

Have you ever been to a concert? Several. Hasn’t this come up a couple times? Maybe I’m getting the surveys confused, I’m tired.

Can you speak more than one language? If so, what other language(s)? Not fluently, just some Spanish.

Are you talking to anyone right now? No.

If so, how do you feel about them? -

Do you know anyone who skateboards? Not anymore.

Do you ever sing when you’re alone? Yeah.

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? I have’t listened to any stupid songs. I don’t listen to music I’d consider stupid. Are you listening to music, currently? No.

How do you feel about the song? - When someone teases you do you frown or give an amazing comeback? My family and I playfully tease each other and sometimes I’ll come up with something funny and clever to say, but there’s times where I’m just like             -____- and say like, “har-har very funny” haha or something lame like that. Do you think you can sing? I know I can’t sing well at all, but I still like to anyway to myself.

Do you have any talent? No.

Do you think you’re better looking than some other people? No.

Do you like dancing? I like head bobbing and moving my shoulders/arms/hands, ha. And sometimes I attempt (very badly) to do some TikTok dances haha. Privately, though. I’d never recored myself and share it with the public, major yikes. 

What’s your favorite zoo animal? Giraffes.

How is your hair currently styled? It’s up in a messy bun. 

How long are your showers (on average)? Like 30-40 minutes.

East or West? West.

What did you do last night? Binged some Step by Step on Hulu until 1AM-ish, then I made my ramen and watched some YouTube videos while I ate, then I played some Animal Crossing for a bit, and then I scrolled through Tumblr for awhile, and then I did some surveys and listened to ASMR, which is what I’m still doing now.

Do you like your music loud? I like it at a comfortable volume. Some songs I have a little louder than others, just depends.

What are you allergic to? Tangerines. I also have seasonal allergies.

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake I have insomnia, but yeah I do stay up later than I should. Like, I could attempt sleep a little sooner than I do.

What do you want to name your children? I don’t want to have kids.

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? Nah.

Did the last movie you watched make you cry? No. It was a psychological thriller, it was trippy.

Are you a good swimmer? Nope, I can’t swim.

What are you always thinking about? Health stuff. 

Is science your favorite subject? Well, psychology is a science. When you’re really worked up, what do you do to relax? Listen to ASMR.

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? Uh, watching movies. Definitely. I can’t go hiking anyway, but I wouldn’t want to do anything intense or outdoors.

Did you ever try the cereal Special K? Yeah, there’s nothing special about it.

Think of the last person you kissed, was it memorable? Yeah.

You have the choice of being poor but happy, or rich but miserable. Which is it? Poor and happy. 

Do you think girls with short hair are less good looking than those with long hair? Uh, no? There’s a lot of beautiful people with short hair and there’s a lot of beautiful people with long hair.

Your Love is My Drug, and other musings on poetry, philosophy, and being in love

In today’s class we discussed, among other things, the importance of sex in relationships.

I am not a Freudian. I do not believe that everything comes down to our sex drive, and that is what encourages and informs our actions, and especially not that love is a sublimation of our desire for sex. I have to believe that Freud never experienced true love to be able to say that it was just a guise for sex and immortality through reproduction.

I know I wrote about this last week in regard to our discussion, but this way of thinking completely excludes and undermines the idea of asexuality. It devalues the connection and feelings that people have for each other and places them as manufactured from desire for sex. I don’t think this is true at all. I’m not saying that sexual attraction isn’t important – I believe it is, for a lot of people. But not all people. And even if it is a factor, it may not be the most important factor. Personally, how I connect with and feel when I’m with a person is the most important. I need to be drawn to them in some way. I need butterflies. But not in relation to sex, in relation to emotional and mental stimulation. In this regard, perhaps I side with Plato more than Freud. I believe that each is flawed, but if I had to choose a way of thinking, I’d definitely side with Plato way before I sided with Freud. I’d just try to adapt Plato’s ladder of enlightenment to fit my needs, as I discussed in an earlier post…because frankly I really don’t care so much about finding enlightenment through love.

Is that bad? I feel like in a class based pretty heavily on the philosophy of love, I should be open to the idea of a spiritual journey to enlightenment. But frankly, I’m not. I simply enjoy discussing love, in its many forms, and what it means to a lot of different people. If Plato’s views worked for him, more power to him! I don’t mind whatever other people choose to think about love and what it means to them. But for me, it is definitely not a journey to enlightenment, and I do not care to be enlightened.

I’m happy to be a poet, rather than a philosopher. I don’t think the idea should be to cure love entirely, like the philosophers do. I think the pain is good. I would liken it to the soreness after you workout – it hurts, and it makes it hard to function at times, but eventually it goes away and you’re left with a sense of dissatisfaction because you want more of it.

I never realized that this was something I’d want until I actually fell in love. And now that’s almost all I think about (well aside from classwork, work work, finding a job after graduation, my friends and their feelings, etc etc etc….). It’s a little like an obsession. I want that again. Even with just a crush. I experienced one recently that was absolutely amazing – it made me nervous with anticipation and excitement and butterflies – and now that it’s gone, I really, really miss that feeling. There is just something so addicting about love and everything that comes with it. That’s something that I wanted to bring up in class today, when we were looking at studying the physical effects of heartbreak. I don’t have any concrete examples of this, but I feel as though I heard something about some study somewhere about the effects of love like a drug on your brain. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the Kesha song (“Your Love is My Drug”). That could be it. But it definitely feels like it, at least to me. And I have a feeling that many people experience something similar based on what I know of my friends. If love can have physical effects when you lose someone you love tragically, what about when you’re in love and with the person? I have to imagine that there is some sort of addictive effect. But what do I know? I’m definitely not a scientist!

I’m not going to really touch upon the movie in this post. We watched Camille, and it was a story about tragic love. It was an excellent movie, and I found it useful in my presentation. But today I’m much more focused on bashing Freud and the philosophers. I have to say, though, I think all my musings on love might make me into something of a philosopher. I don’t know how to feel about that, because as I said, I think I’m more of a poet! But maybe we all have to be philosophers in order to figure out where we stand with love.

When I say I’m more of a poet, I definitely don’t write poetry to get over the pain of heartbreak. There is not a poetic bone in my body – trust me, I’ve tried to write poetry before, and it sucks. But I understand how creativity would manifest itself from both experiencing the happiness of love and the heartbreak that comes after, and I think that writing poetry, or painting, or writing prose (my preferred method of catharsis) is definitely a way to express your feelings in either case. Even when you’re happy in love, sometimes those feelings are so strong that it’s hard to contain them, and doing something creative is a great way to ease the tension a little – good or bad! And I agree with the poet’s idea that you should use creativity to get over a person…not cure yourself of love, but allow you to love again and not be stuck in heartbreak.

For me, journaling and talking out loud about the confusion of heartbreak seems to work pretty well…writing this blog and thinking about love so often is really cathartic, too! It doesn’t really stop the obsession though. That’s something I wonder if I’ll ever get over. I can move past the people and the heartbreak, but can I ever cure myself of the desire to love and get hurt repeatedly like a philosopher would? Do I want to? I can’t and I don’t, are my two answers there. Because it’s a really powerful feeling, and it’s amazing to find someone to whom you’re attracted so completely. Whether or not your feelings are realized and reciprocated isn’t really necessary to enjoy that feeling, and completely miss it when it’s gone.

So, on that note, I’ll leave you with Kesha. Because music is a form of poetry, and think about how many songs out there describing different kinds of love. I defy you to not find MANY that speak to how you feel or have felt in any relationships or crushes you’ve had in your life. Those are poets finding a creative outlet for their feelings, and they’re helping us all out a little bit, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR_qa3Ohwls