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call-me-maggie13 · 9 months

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It’s a Tuesday when Lucia calls the first time. Beatrice is leaving her apartment for a run when her phone rings, interrupting her favorite part of the song she’s listening to on her headphones. There’s no caller ID, but Beatrice recognizes the number, so she answers.

"Hello, this is Beatrice." She’s formal. Lucia likes to try to blur the line between a professional relationship and a friendly one.

"Hey, Bea - "

"Beatrice." She corrects, dropping to her knee to retie her laces.

"Yeah, Beatrice." Lucia’s mocking her, Beatrice isn’t stupid, but she lets it go.

"Is there a reason you’re calling?" Beatrice asks after Lucia goes silent.

"Right! Yes! Carlos misses you, I was wondering if we could do lunch sometime this week so he could see you?" Carlos. Beatrice loves Carlos. He’s fun, witty and charismatic and kind. He’s always been one of her favorite kids she’s worked with. Lucia, however, is one of Beatrice’s least preferred parents.

"I don’t know if you remember, but I’m in - "

"In the city. Yes, I remember. Carlos and I just moved here too! Isn’t that exciting?" No. Beatrice thinks. Exciting is not a word I would use. Lucia drops her voice, nearly to a whisper. "He’s having a hard time making friends at his new school, I think seeing a friendly face would make him feel better about the move."

Beatrice sighs, checks the time on her watch and realizes she’s spent half of her allotted running time on the phone with Lucia.

"I can’t do lunch, but I can do an early dinner. Maybe Thursday? I’ll have to - "

"Yes, perfect! That works!" She hangs up before Beatrice can tell her she will be bringing Diana. She could send her a message, but that would mean Lucia would message her back and Beatrice doesn’t want to speak to her anymore than necessary.

Beatrice tells Ava about it that evening, between Diana’s snack and her bath while Ava’s scrambling about looking for the keys Diana hid.

"Who is this again?" Ava looks up from digging through the couch cushions, cheeks flushed and hair tousled.

"It’s a kid I used to work with before I started uni. Him and his mum." Diana giggles around her fingers when Ava looks under the couch, Beatrice bouncing her and asking where the keys are quietly. Ava’s asked her three times, Diana isn’t answering either of them. "It’s okay if you don’t want - "

"No, it’s fine! It sounds fun, just - make her eat something other than chicken strips, please? You always say you will then you cave when she pouts. She needs to try new foods." Ava looks under the coffee table and through Diana’s toy bin. She’s going to be late if she doesn’t find the keys soon.

"Okay. I won’t have her out late, we’ll be back before the sun goes down. Won’t we?" Beatrice tickles Diana who squeals and pushes away, nearly toppling out of her arms. Beatrice grabs her leg to keep from falling and her shoe falls off, jingling when it hits the ground. Diana glances between the fallen shoe and Ava for a moment before she starts giggling maniacally.

"They were in your shoes? Are you serious? Diana, you little…" Ava picks the keys out of the baby shoe, holds Diana’s face between her hands and sighs fondly, shaking her head. "You little punk." Ava laughs and kisses both of her cheeks. "I love you. Be good, yeah?"

Diana smiles and wipes her wet hand down Ava’s cheek. Ava grimaces and rubs her cheek against Diana’s sleeve, earning a full body laugh and a gleeful wiggle. Ava presses a soft kiss against Beatrice’s cheek before she’s gone.

Beatrice almost considers going after her, almost considers asking her to say no, almost considers telling her she doesn’t want to go. But she doesn’t.

She doesn’t.

Read more below the break or here!

Beatrice stops for the third time. Considers turning back. It’s not too late, she can still say she can’t make it. Diana bounces beside her, swings their intwined hands back and forth. She spins, twists Beatrice’s fingers over her head before dropping it and racing around her.

"Let’s go! Let’s goooooo!" Diana whines, taking her hands and tugging her forward. "I wan’ nuggies!"

"It’s want, baby. Try again." Diana pauses to pout, tucks her hands under her elbows and sticks her bottom lip out. Beatrice quirks her eyebrow and fights back a smile. "Try again."

"I. Want. Nuggies." She pauses between each word to huff, spins on her heel to take two steps forward then turn back to Beatrice with her head cocked.

"Okay. But I will have you know, your mama wants you to try something else." They resume towards the restaurant hand in hand, Beatrice’s blunder already forgiven and forgotten. "Like maybe something not chicken?"

"No. I like nuggies." Diana pouts again, gives her tiny chin a tremble to prove her point.

"If you try something else, we can get ice cream on the way home?" Ava would never barter with Diana like this and she would be upset if she knew Beatrice was doing it.

"Sprinkles?" She comes to a complete stop, nearly causing the people behind them to crash into her. Beatrice nods and scoops her up, apologizes quickly to the strangers and hurries down the sidewalk.

It really is unfair, how late they are because she couldn’t decide if she actually wanted to come. Carlos probably thinks they’re not going to show up, the thought stabs her in the chest and speeds her steps.

"Beatrice!" The boy bolts down the sidewalk and crashes into her legs, nearly tackling her to the ground. Beatrice chuckles and ruffles the boy’s unruly curls.

"Hi, Carlos! How have you been?" The boy steps back and flips her hair out of his face, grinning at her with a gap in his teeth. "Oh! When did you lose that tooth?"

"Last night! The tooth fairy gave me fifteen bucks! Look!" He presses up onto his toes and pokes the empty space with his tongue. Beatrice peers into his mouth intently, inspecting it with the same fervency with which he presents it. "Who’s this?"

"This is Diana! Diana, can I introduce you to my friend Carlos?" Diana shakes her head and buries her face in Beatrice’s shoulder. "That’s okay, you don’t have to talk to him until you’re ready."

"Beatrice, hello!" Lucia steps up behind Carlos, strokes Beatrice’s shoulder, her hand lingers. Beatrice shrugs it off awkwardly.

"Hello, Lucia." Beatrice takes a half step back and a deep breath, forcing a smile and turning back to Carlos. "So, I’m hungry, are you?"

"Yeah, we already have a table, right, mom?" Lucia confirms and leads them to the booth while Carlos launches into a story about his friend’s birthday party. "So then, I told Marley, dude, you can’t just say stuff like that. People are going to think you’re weird. But like. People already think Marley’s weird because she tells everyone she was named after a dog. But it’s okay that she’s weird because it like. It’s not weird when she does it. You know?"

"I do! I know someone like that." Beatrice smiles fondly as she thinks of the last time she’d been to the farmers market and Ava spent twenty minutes deciding which lemon looked the sourest. "Have you ever read Stargirl?"

"Yeah! Marley is just like Stargirl! It’s her favorite book!" Carlos bounces in his seat. Lucia places a hand on his knee to still him.

"Sorry, he’s got a little crush." Lucia winks and Beatrice has to bite her lip not to snap at her. He’s eight. He’s allowed to have friends of the opposite gender. Carlos deflates at her words, sinks into his seat and drops his hands into his lap.

"It sounds like you found a really cool friend. Is Marley a friend from school?" Carlos nods weakly but doesn’t look up from his hands, Beatrice frowns. Diana stops scribbling on her menu to look at him quizzically, dropping her crayon to turn to Beatrice with her head tilted. "Have you decided what you want?"

"Nuggies," Diana whispers and Beatrice grins bemused, Diana rolls her eyes and sighs, pushes the menu to Beatrice and climbs into her lap. "Read, please?"

Beatrice reads the children’s menu to her quietly, answers her questions when asked and offers suggestions when Diana struggles to decide. She settles on macaroni and cheese, with much exasperation and disgust. Beatrice gives their orders to the waiter when he checks on them.

Lucia keeps rubbing her foot up the inside of Beatrice’s leg, somehow finding it even when she moves. Beatrice scoots to the far edge of the booth and silently begs her to stop. Diana seems unamused at every attempt Lucia makes to initiate a conversation and Carlos doesn’t recover from his mother’s comment, it’s truly awkward and uncomfortable and Beatrice can barely contain herself when they get their checks.

"Why don’t we go to the park?" Lucia suggests as they step out of the restaurant, Carlos’s face lights up as he waits excitedly for Beatrice’s reaction.

"Umm… I don’t know, Diana seems pretty tired, maybe some other time?" Beatrice bounces Diana in her arms, presses a soft kiss against her temple.

"Dada?" Diana whispers and curls into her neck. Beatrice hums and presses their foreheads together. "He sad?" Beatrice nods softly and Diana turns back to him. "We play a little. Okay?"

Carlos bounces and nods, taking the hand Diana offers him.

"Dada?" Lucia asks, bumping their shoulders together. Beatrice takes a step to the side.

"Uh, yeah. I actually don’t like when people touch me, Lucia. So, could you stop, please?" Beatrice’s cheeks burn as she says it and Diana presses a cold hand over the heat.

"Ah, but I’m not just people, yeah?" Beatrice barely dodges the arm Lucia tries to swing over her shoulder by leaning to set Diana on the ground. Diana takes her hand and tugs her forward, Beatrice welcomes the distraction and follows her happily to the swing set, offering to push her when she climbs into the seat.

"I can do it!" Carlos volunteers and Diana beams at him, squeezing her fists around the chain and laughing when he pushes her forward. He bounces in place at the response, and Beatrice has to bite her tongue every time he asks Diana. "Higher? Higher?"

She knows her limits. Beatrice tells herself. She knows when she wants to stop.

She stays nearby, just in case. Ready to pounce in and save her if she asks to stop and Carlos doesn’t. She’s chewing on her nail when Lucia sidles up beside her, expensive perfume making the inside of Beatrice’s nose itch. Lucia tries to pull her hand out of her mouth but Beatrice steps away, curls her hands under her elbows and tucks them into her side.

"So how long have you been working with her?" There’s a hint of something else just beneath her words, something burbling and churning and dark.

"Oh, I don’t." It’s true, in a sense. Beatrice has stopped accepting Ava’s money in exchange for her babysitting services. So Beatrice isn’t quite lying when she says it. It’s not the entire truth but she hopes it’s vague enough that Lucia doesn’t press.

Of course, she could be granted no respite because Lucia charges ahead full-steam.

"Oh, so is she like your niece? Friend’s kid? Who is she?" She’s fishing, trying to find the answer to a question Beatrice isn’t ready to face on her own, certainly not with someone the likes of Lucia.

"Mine. Yeah, she’s mine." Diana tumbles out of the swing and Beatrice’s heart stops in her chest. She waits two heartbeats before moving, slowly helping Diana brush he wood chips from her face. She forces her voice to remain calm and level so Diana doesn’t hear how much it scared her as well. "Are you okay?"

Diana bursts into tears, throws herself face first into Beatrice’s chest and squeezes her arms around her neck as her body is wracked with sobs.

"Oh, baby! I know." Beatrice rubs her back and picks her up, smiling sadly at Carlos when he tries to apologize. "It’s alright, buddy, she’s just scared. I’ll see you again soon, yeah?"

The boy nods enthusiastically and Beatrice feels Diana lift her head to wave goodbye to him sadly before she returns to her hiding spot in Beatrice’s neck. Beatrice squeezes her tightly, rubbing her back as they depart, stepping quickly across the street and pausing outside the nearest ice cream shop.

"Do you still want ice cream, my love?" Beatrice’s hand pauses on the door, waiting until Diana shakes her head and burrows herself deeper into Beatrice’s embrace. "Can I check to make sure you’re not hurt?"

Diana sniffles as she pulls away, allows Beatrice to seat them on a nearby bench and check her face and hands for injury. She finds none, despite the overall redness from her fall.

"Does anywhere hurt, baby?" Diana shakes her head and blinks tears out of her eyes. "Hey, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. What happened was scary, it’s okay if you feel like you need to cry. Would it make you feel better if I told you it scared me too?"

"You scared?" Diana’s voice is painfully infantile, reverting to a similar pattern of speech from when she first started speaking. Beatrice kisses her forehead and nods.

"Yeah, kiddo. I thought you were really hurt and that really scared me." Diana tucks her thumb into her mouth and blinks at her slowly. "I get scared a lot, you know?"

"Whens?" Diana curls back into her chest and Beatrice hums in thought for a moment.

"Like when your mama got sick. When you run off and I can’t see you. When I have exams at school. Sometimes I get scared when it storms and the thunder makes the windows rattle. I get scared all the time, my darling." Beatrice hates being scared, she feels like it makes her stupid and irrational. She knows that fear is a valid emotion and it exists for a reason, but she has never quite managed to shake her parents’ voices from her head when she’s scared.

She hopes Diana never has to experience that.

She’ll do her best to ensure Diana never has to experience it.

"Do you know what helps me when I get scared?" Diana nods against her chest, curling her fingers around the neck of Beatrice’s shirt. "Sometimes I count all the pretty things I can see. Sometimes I sing a song until I feel better. Or sometimes I take some deep breaths. Do you want to try one of those?"

"Count?" Beatrice hums, squints and looks around.

"The sky is very blue today. What about you?"

"Flowers." Diana points to the wildflowers clawing out of the cracks in the sidewalk, then to a pair of birds chasing each other through the air. "Birb."

"You," Beatrice nudges her softly, smiles gently when she lifts her head tearily, "You’re the best thing I’ve ever seen."

"I love you." She stumbles over the v sound, pronounces the word like lub with a tender smile

"I love you too, meu patinho." Beatrice kisses the top of her head. "Did you at least have fun today?"

"Carlos is funny."

"He is. Would you like to see him again?" Diana hums and mumbles into Beatrice’s neck. "I didn’t understand that, darling, could you say it again?"

"Yeah. We go home now?"

"Alright, we can go home now. Are we going to tell your mama about how much fun you had with your new friend?" Diana yawns and shakes her head, Beatrice watches the sun dye the clouds pink and purple. It’s still early for Diana to go to bed, but she’s had an eventful evening so Beatrice could make an exception to their schedule. "Can we at least tell her about your not chicken nugget dinner?"

Diana giggles but nods regardless, twists a lock of Beatrice’s hair through her fingers. Beatrice’s heart swells and her skin warms and she feels like her heart might explode when she looks at the little girl in her arms. Something inside her twinkles. She never expected a love like this. Something that plays her heartstrings like a symphony in her chest, fills her chest with a light no star could ever compete with. It’s endless, she realizes.

It makes her wonder if her parents ever looked at her the same way she looks at Diana.

~*~

Ava does not like Lucia.

She’s not jealous. That would be absurd.

But she can’t deny that her chest burns when she comes home and Diana regales her in their latest adventure with Carlos and Luisa — it doesn’t matter how many times Beatrice corrects Diana, she only refers to Lucia by the wrong name.

Today, they played tag with a group of kids at the park. Two days ago, they saw a movie. Last week, they went to an art class at the library.

Ava doesn’t have a reason not to like Lucia.

Except for every reason Beatrice gives her after every play date.

"So then she kept trying to take my hand, like we’re a couple or something and every time I would pull my hand away and tell her I wasn’t interested but she doesn’t care." Beatrice sighs and kicks her feet over the arm of the couch, stares up at Ava from her lap. "I don’t understand why she keeps trying to touch me. I don’t like when people touch me. I’ve told her I don’t like being touched at least two million times. It’s annoying."

The hand scraping through Beatrice’s hair pauses at her words, Ava barely pulling away before Beatrice whines and drags her hand back to her scalp.

"Why’d you stop?" She doesn’t give Ava a chance to answer, instead continuing her rant. "Regardless, she made a joke about me confusing Diana by allowing her to call me dad. Which is hilarious because last week, she tried to get Carlos to call me dad and I had to respond with my name’s Beatrice, pal, I’m not your dad. Then Lucia was all well, you’re not Diana’s dad either. And I swear, Ava. I swear I almost hit her. Who does she think she is? I mean, seriously."

Ava is certainly not going to ask the difference between her and Lucia, doesn’t ask why she’s allowed to play with her hair nor why Diana is allowed to call Beatrice dad while Carlos is not. She knows, on some level. Ava’s not stupid, she knows she gets a version of Beatrice Lucia will never see. She knows there’s a piece of Beatrice that is reserved exclusively for her. She knows Beatrice would choose her, if she forced an ultimatum between her and Lucia.

Ava knows.

She knows how she feels about Lucia is irrational and unfair.

She also knows Beatrice would never see Lucia again if she asked.

She knows. Right?

"Bea?" Beatrice stops her rant and tilts her head up. "Does it bother you when I do those things?"

"No. Of course not. Why would it?" Beatrice pushes herself upright, shifts until she’s practically sitting in Ava’s lap.

"Because it bothers you when Lucia does it." Ava looks away,

"You’re not Lucia."

Ava doesn’t know how to explain herself. She doesn’t have the words to express why that doesn’t make sense. Beatrice babysat both their children, has spent extensive time with both of them, read both their children to sleep, eaten at both of their tables. Why is she different? Why is she the exception?

Or is Lucia the exception? Is Beatrice like this with all parents except for Lucia?

"Ava." She quirks her head, furrows her eyebrows, ducks to meet Ava’s averted gaze. "I trust you."

It’s not enough. The words make Ava’s heart skip a beat, but it doesn’t smother the smoke in her lungs.

"I like spending time with you. I like when you hold my hand and kiss my cheek and make me laugh. I like when Diana calls me dad. You’re not just the mother of the child I babysit, you’re my friend too. My best friend. I would tell you if you did something that bothers me and I know you wouldn’t do it again.

"I like you." She grins before scrunching her face up in mock disgust and continuing. "I don’t like Lucia."

It makes Ava laugh, Beatrice's pout miserable and nose crinkled. In response to the sound, Beatrice smiles widely, leans back into Ava's chest, and tucks her nose into the crook of her neck.

~*~

She’s doing it on purpose. Beatrice might not be great at reading people but she is certain that Lucia only wants one thing from her. One thing that Beatrice has absolutely no interest in ever giving her.

Diana crawls inside the enclosed slide, tucks her knees to her chest and closes her eyes when Carlos finishes counting. He grins from the top of the playground, peering over the sides and searching for Diana.

"God, they’re so cute. We would be amazing parents." The comment is accompanied with an arm around her shoulders and a soft sigh. Beatrice ducks out from underneath Lucia’s touch and frowns at her, eyebrows sewn together with utter confusion.

"Would be?" Beatrice might not be Diana’s actual parent, but she sure as shit isn’t a bad understudy.

"I meant like… like together. Both of us."

"I’m doing pretty great with her mother, actually. I don’t think Diana needs anyone else telling her what to do." It makes her stomach twist, the thought of Lucia and her, together.

Lucia laughs at her words, loud and jarring and it makes Diana lift her head from her hiding place on the slide. Carlos sees her move and races to tag her without even acknowledging his mother. Lucia tries to touch her again and Beatrice’s fingers burn when she clenches them into fists at her sides.

"Stop. Touching. Me." She clenches her jaw and takes another step back.

Beatrice doesn’t do anger. She doesn’t do rage. She doesn’t do losing her temper. Beatrice is patient and and forgiving.

Or, as Shannon would say, she’s a pushover.

Either way, Beatrice doesn’t get upset easily. It’s not in her nature.

Lucia seems to take it as a challenge. Like Beatrice’s burning ire is a taunt, like it’s all for show and they’re playing a game.

"Oh, relax, Bea."

"My name is Beatrice."

"Plenty of people call you Bea."

"Only the ones I like." She takes another step back when Lucia reaches for her hand before turning on her heel and storming away. She smiles warmly at Diana when she approaches her, strokes her hair when she tumbles into Beatrice’s legs. "We gotta go, patinho. Your mama’s gunna be home soon."

Diana frowns but wishes Carlos and Luisa farewell, taking Beatrice’s hand and tugging her out of the park.

Beatrice decides not to tell Ava about Lucia anymore. Every time she complains, Ava gets quiet and distant and Beatrice doesn’t like how upset it makes her sometimes. So she decides she will suffer in silence.

~*~

Shannon is easy. She’s easy and relaxed and she goes with the flow. She doesn’t pick fights or start problems.

Except when it comes to Beatrice. Shannon would commit eleven different forms of high treason and treat the Geneva Conventions like a checklist for Beatrice.

"Where are you going?" Beatrice freezes with her hand on the doorknob.

"I’m going with you. You better hurry or we’re gunna be late." Shannon bumps Beatrice carefully out of the way and steps through the door, starting toward Beatrice’s car.

Beatrice doesn’t say anything the entire ride. Diana sings and dances and talks to herself in the backseat while Beatrice grips the steering wheel with all her strength to try to hide the way her hands are shaking.

The house is larger than Shannon had been expecting. An ugly modern, blockish thing with funky shaped windows and uneven roofing. It doesn’t look good or fancy or pretty. It looks like a stain on the skyline.

Like it brings her neighborhood property value down.

There’s a bounce house set up in the front yard, though it’s empty. There are children’s shrieks coming from the backyard, a cacophony of voices and laughter leading Beatrice around the side of the house to the garden gate.

"Hey! Bea! You made it!" Lucia tries to dive into a hug after letting them through the gate, but Shannon intercepts by throwing herself between them and offering her hand to shake.

"I’m Shannon, Beatrice is my sister." She’s silently begging Lucia to say something, to give her an excuse to punch her.

Other than all the reasons Beatrice has given for her.

"Oh. Do you not remember me? We’ve met, years ago." Shannon remembers, it was a scene much alike the one they’re in right now for Carlos’s third birthday. Lucia had annoyed her even then, but she hadn’t made any advances on her baby sister, so Shannon hadn’t really a reason to hate her.

"Sorry, I meet a lot of people in my job, only have the mental capacity to remember a few of the important ones and my personal favorites." If there’s one thing Shannon has learned from her mother, it’s how to make an off-handed comment that slices through someone’s soul. Lucia’s face falls but she doesn’t respond.

"Beatrice! Diana!" A minuscule little girl breaks free of the crowd waving, followed closely by Carlos. He’s older and much taller than the last time Shannon had seen him, and he’s wearing more than a diaper, but it’s certainly him.

Immediately, he’s offering his name and his hand for her to shake, introducing her to his mother and his best friend Marley.

He’s taken Diana to an inflatable slide before Shannon has a chance to ask where to put his present.

"Why don’t you put the gift with the rest and Bea and I can - "

"I’m good. Beatrice can put it with the rest. You and I can do whatever you need her help with, though." Beatrice squeezes Shannon’s fingers when they exchange the gift, a meek nod and tight smile before she’s disappearing into the crowd.

"Oh, I need Bea’s help."

"I taught Beatrice how to do everything she knows. If she can do it, I’ve probably been doing it better for longer." Lucia sighs and shakes her head, rolls her eyes when she turns away and enters the house.

"Hey." Beatrice ducks out from behind a group of young parents chattering loudly over their drinks.

"I don’t like her."

"You don’t have to treat her like that." Shannon laughs and slings her arm over Beatrice’s shoulders.

"When she calls you the right name, I’ll consider being nicer."

"No you won’t." Beatrice smiles and rolls her eyes, presses heavily into Shannon’s side.

"I said consider. I never said I had any actual intention of doing it." Beatrice laughs and searches for Diana in the line for the slide. She can’t deny that her heart stutters when she can’t immediately find her.

"Da!" Diana waves from atop the slide, smiling until she looks down. Beatrice extricates herself from Shannon and moves to the bottom to wait for Diana, who appears to have no intention of moving.

"Are you scared?" Diana nods softly, eyes wide and wet. Carlos crawls beside her and offers his hand, whispering quietly. Diana shakes her head and pushes away from the slope, dropping his hand. "I’m coming up, okay?"

Diana meets her at the top of the ladder, arms raised for Beatrice to pick her up.

"It’s okay. Do you want to go down together?" Diana shakes her head again and balls Beatrice’s shirt in her fists. "Alright, we will have to climb down though. We can’t live up here, can we?"

Diana shakes her head, lifts her head warily and glances to the ladder. "Carlos has cake."

"I can ask mom if we can cut it now." Carlos waves at someone near the base of the slide. "Do you want me to ask? I’m gunna go ask."

And with that, he’s gone.

Beatrice pushes as far away from the slope as possible so other children can go, holds Diana and pats her back until she lifts her head and turns to watch some of the kids jumping and falling down the slide. She blinks slowly, thumb tucked carefully between her teeth.

"Do you want to try again?" Marley bounces and waves while she waits her turn in line. Diana lifts her head slowly and waves back but doesn’t respond to Beatrice’s question. "You don’t have to but if you would like, you can sit on my lap and we can go down together."

Beatrice motions for the girl at the top of the stairs to go, squeezes Diana tighter when she flinches at the girl throwing herself haphazardly down the slide. She watches quietly as more and more kids go and Beatrice is beginning to think she’s going to change her mind when Marley finally emerges from the line.

"Carlos said they’re gunna do the cake soon, do you wanna climb down with me?" Marley offers her hand but doesn’t try to push Diana, she waits. Diana glances between her and Beatrice warily, fist squeezing tightly around the neck of Beatrice’s sweater.

"We can all go together, but it’s up to you, patinho." Diana nods and makes no move to follow Marley down the steps.

Carlos calls for them from below but neither of them move, Marley offers a cursory glance but doesn’t respond when he calls her name.

"Dada?" Diana buries her head in the crook of Beatrice’s neck, Beatrice hums and squeezes her tighter. "Scared."

"I know. It’s okay to be scared, Diana. Everyone gets scared."

"I’m scared of the dark and vampires and multiplication," Marley chimes, crawling to them. "But the sun still goes down and vampires aren’t real and my mom makes me do my math homework. You can do things that scare you."

"Okay," Diana nods and takes Marley’s hand.

"You wanna go down?" Diana nods and tugs Beatrice’s hand.

"Do you want me to hold you?" Diana nods again and Beatrice agrees, moving to the edge of the slide and letting Diana settle in her lap. "Are you ready?"

"No." Beatrice squeezes her closer and Diana takes a deep breath. "We go now."

For the first time, Beatrice looks down the slide and her stomach drops. Why is a kid’s slide so tall?

"Dada. Now." Beatrice nods and pushes off, squeezing her eyes closed and trying not to scream at the plummet. When they hit the bottom, Diana squirms out of Beatrice’s arms and bounces to the exit when Shannon is standing bemused.

"Was it fun, kiddo?"

"No. Cake?" Shannon laughs and watches her race off to Carlos.

"You alright?" Shannon pulls Beatrice up, helps her out of the slide. "I thought you were going to wet yourself."

"I’m fine. It was great. Ava’s supposed to do the high stuff," Beatrice jokes.

"The high stuff? It was a kid’s slide, bumble Bea."

"I hate you, you can leave." Lucia looks up at her jeer, eyes l alight with something that drains the warmth from the moment. Shannon glances between them and steps in front of her to block Beatrice from Lucia’s view.

"I’m not leaving until I get cake." She says it loud enough for Lucia to hear before turning to Beatrice and dropping her voice. "Let me say something, Bea."

"No. Shannon, it’s his birthday."

"So? You know I wouldn’t say anything to him."

"Shannon." Shannon rolls her eyes and turns back around just in time for Carlos to blow out his candles.

"Why won’t you let me do this for you?"

"Because I remember the last time you did this for me. And we both know you don’t look good in stripes or in orange. If you think about it, I’m actually protecting you." Beatrice watches Diana waiting to get her piece of cake and glances at the back door to the house. "I’ll be back, can you - "

"Is she gunna do a flip?" It’s Beatrice’s turn to roll her eyes, sighing fondly before slipping through the door in search of a bathroom. Luckily, Lucia had the foresight to plaster directional signs on the walls so Beatrice doesn’t have to search hard.

Lucia is leaned against the wall waiting for her when she comes out.

"Saved you a piece of cake," Lucia straightens and extends a slice of cake.

"Oh. Thank you, but I’m not very fond of sweets." Beatrice smiles politely and waves the cake away, glancing past Lucia in the direction she had come.

"Oh that’s fine. I have something else for you too." Beatrice doesn’t like the way Lucia smiles at her.

"I should really get back to Diana…" Beatrice glances down the hall again, hoping Shannon somehow knew she needed her and materialized to rescue her.

"It’ll only take a few minutes. Diana won’t even notice." Beatrice jerks away when Lucia tries to take her hand.

"No I really - "

"Hey, Bea…?" Shannon. "I think we should go…"

Diana’s holding a racecar napkin over her elbow. It’s stained a deep red.

"Oh my god, what happened?" Shannon slaps her hand over Beatrice’s when she tries to move the napkin. "Are you okay?"

Diana nods and shifts toward Beatrice so she takes her, Shannon fixes her with a look that Beatrice doesn’t understand but she follows her out of the house anyways. They wish Carlos a happy birthday in quick farewells before leaving.

They’re halfway to her car when Shannon speaks.

"I knew she would try something."

"I was gone for two minutes, what happened?"

"I saw her follow you." Beatrice stops and turns to her.

"To Diana. What happened to Diana?"

"Oh. Nothing, she’s fine." Shannon lifts the napkin to prove her point, revealing a red stained, uninjured elbow. Beatrice scoffs and rubs the red dye away with her thumb.

"What did you - "

"Fake blood. You can buy it by the gallon at a Hallow-"

"You just carry around fake blood? Shannon!" Beatrice pauses to reinspect Diana’s skin, double-checking she has no injuries before fastening in her car seat.

"I knew you would need an out and Mary never lets me use the fake blood. Come on, you gotta admit that it - "

"I don’t have to admit anything. Don’t use Diana like that, she’s not a prop." Beatrice closes Diana’s door carefully before turning to face Shannon.

"You wouldn’t have left if it was me bleeding." She right. Probably. Truthfully, it would’ve depended on how much fake blood Shannon was willing to use.

"I didn’t need an out, I was fine." Beatrice starts to storm around the car when Shannon grabs her wrist.

"Fine? Beatrice, you looked like you were going to throw up. Maybe I could’ve gone about things differently but I don’t like her. I don’t trust her."

"You don’t have to like her or trust her, I do."

"Do you?" Shannon drops Beatrice’s arm, watches her walk around the car and climb in the drivers seat.

"Do I what, Shannon?" She knows. It’s answer enough for both of them to know.

Shannon doesn’t respond.

~*~

The next time they see Carlos, Beatrice has taken Diana to the local children’s museum. Diana is shoving colored scarfs into a tube then chasing them when they are blown out the top. She loves it.

"Beatrice!" A small body collides into her back, tearing her attention from the little girl to greet Carlos.

"Hi, Carlos. Diana, do you want to say hi?" Diana waves before returning to her previous task, Beatrice smiles and ruffles her hair before turning back to Carlos. "How are you doing, buddy?"

"I’m good. Marley is here, do you wanna see her?" He bounces in place when he asks, positively vibrating about the edges.

"I would love to see her! Could you bring her here, I don’t think Diana’s quite ready to move on yet." He agrees and disappears into the sea of children.

"Good morning, Bea." Beatrice sidesteps a hug, shrugging off the hand Lucia strokes across her shoulder.

"I’ve told you, my name is Beatrice." She tries so very hard to keep the edge from her tone, but Diana looks up worriedly at the change in her voice. Beatrice forces a smile and she returns to her game. Beatrice searches briefly for Carlos’s unruly curls in the everflowing ocean of children, catching and returning a yellow scarf that falls into her face.

"Da!" Diana calls, tugging on Beatrice’s hand before continuing in a whine. "Hungry."

"We were just about to head out for lunch, if you want to join?" Lucia winks when Beatrice meets her gaze, twisting Beatrice’s stomach into a knot.

"Thanks but - "

"Bea!" Beatrice’s head snaps to Ava waving at her energetically, trying to weave through the children racing between them. She smiles reflexively, waves and lifts Diana to see her, setting her back down and watching her race to her mother. Ava captures her, picks her up and kisses her cheek before dropping into Beatrice’s chest. "Hans needed me to trade shifts, I have the day off. I was thinking we could get lunch?"

"I was actually just inviting them with us!" Lucia’s voice is overly saccharine, too bright. Ava lifts her head from Beatrice’s shoulder and stares at the woman curiously, smiling and waving at the children when they greet her.

"This is Carlos, the boy I was telling you about, his friend Marley, and his mother Lucia." Ava twists to meet her eyes when the woman’s name comes out sharper than Beatrice had intended. She asks about it silently, searches for the words Beatrice isn’t ready to say. Beatrice looks away.

"Well, what do you wanna do, Di?" Ava bounces her softly. Diana looks between Beatrice’s tensed jaw and Carlos’s buzzing excitement.

"Go Carlos?" Ava nods once and waits for Beatrice to agree as well before acknowledging Lucia.

Ava makes small talk with Lucia while they make their way to the restaurant next door, Beatrice’s fingers curled tightly around hers. When they are taken to a table, Lucia’s hand presses briefly into the small of her back and she winks when Beatrice bumps into Ava trying to shrug her off. The children elect to sit across from the adults with Beatrice sat between Ava and Lucia. Beatrice prays this meal won’t be as awful as she thinks it will.

Ava kisses the back of her hand before relinquishing it to take Diana to the bathroom.

"So?" Lucia’s hand scrapes up Beatrice’s thigh until she shoves it off her lap. "Who’s that?"

"She is Diana’s mother, Ava. Please stop touching me." Beatrice tries to fight the rising pressure in her lungs. Lucia smiles coyly and winks when Ava slides back into the seat next to Beatrice.

"Are you alright?" Ava presses into Beatrice’s side, squeezes the hand she pulls into her lap.

"Fine." Beatrice forces a smile and she knows Ava doesn’t believe her, she knows by the wrinkle between her eyes and the little quiver of the corner of her mouth. Carlos shoots a straw wrapper at Beatrice and she laughs brightly, dropping Ava’s gaze to fling the wrapper in his direction.

Lucia pats her knee and Beatrice suddenly finds she isn’t hungry anymore. Beatrice crosses and uncrosses her legs more times than she can count, trying desperately to listen as Carlos and Ava discuss the best Pokémon and why it’s Mimikyu. Marley disagrees and brings Mew into the conversation but Beatrice can’t focus enough to join, even when they all try so hard to get her involved. Ava keeps pausing to look at her, especially when Beatrice chokes on her drink because Lucia squeezes her thigh.

"I’m going to clean myself up." Beatrice blots the wet spot on her shirt with her napkin, ignoring the stares she receives when she scrapes her chair back and rushes to the restroom.

She stares at her wild eyes and hair in the mirror for only a moment before pulling her shirt off and holding it under the hand dryers, more thankful than ever that she decided to wear a top under her shirt today.

The door creaks open and Beatrice sighs, doesn’t turn from the hand dryer. She waits for Ava’s worried voice to ask if she’s alright, she waits for the light touch on her elbow to silently ask her to turn.

Instead, arms slither around her hips, curl around her stomach and turn her in place.

"Lucia. Umm, could I… could I just get a minute… I’m not feeling too well." Beatrice takes a step back, hits her elbow on the hot metal of the dryer. She has nowhere to go, Lucia stands between her and the door.

"So Ava, huh?" Is this what a rabbit feels like when a wolf decides to make a meal of it?

"I would really prefer not to do this, please." She hates how her voice shakes, how her hip clips the edge of the sink, how her shoulders press into the cold tile wall.

"It’s okay, we don’t have to tell your girlfriend." Lucia winks and her breath singes across Beatrice’s face. She squeezes her eyes closed and tries to disappear.

Beatrice forgets how to breathe, she feels the world collapse into this single moment as her blood runs cold and Lucia kisses her.

Her stomach turns hard and she freezes, she disappears. Beatrice is certain she’s going to fall through the floor and wake up in hell, that this is some sort of demonic torture method for whatever sins she’s forgotten to ask repentance for. But when Lucia tries to force her tongue in Beatrice’s mouth, she remembers how to move.

Beatrice shoves her shoulders hard, sends Lucia stumbling backward and crashing into the far wall. She makes a beeline for the door, swings it open and wrenches her arm out of Lucia’s cold grip.

"Bea?" Ava’s already on her feet, eyes wide and fingers brushing over the inside of Beatrice’s wrist. She doesn’t try to regain the contact when Beatrice yanks her arm away. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I just remembered I have a thing, I’ve got to go." Carlos watches her dig through her jacket for a handful of cash, dropping it on the table before ducking through the group coming in the door and turning down the sidewalk.

Ava lifts Diana from her seat, hurries to follow Beatrice onto the street, spins in place to try to find her when they emerge.

Beatrice has disappeared without a trace.

Ava tries calling her, tries sending her messages but she receives no replies. So she makes her way home with Diana, promises to order pizza in exchange for her lunch being cut short.

She’s there.

Pacing in hurried circles and chewing on her thumbnail in front of Ava’s door. Her eyes are red and her breaths are ragged and wet, her nail beds on the opposite hand are raw and bleeding in some places from where she’s torn the skin apart between her teeth.

Ava doesn’t try to stop her movements, doesn’t try to figure out what’s bothering her, she simply opens the door and steps out of the way for Beatrice to enter unimpeded. Beatrice offers no acknowledgment, no explanation as she pushes into the apartment and locks herself in the bathroom.

Ava settles Diana in her high chair with chicken nuggets and broccoli pieces before going to check on Beatrice.

"Hey, Bea." She knocks on the door. "It’s just me. Are you okay?"

"I’m going to take a shower." Her words are rushed and she stumbles over them like Bambi on ice.

"Okay. I can get you some fresh clothes, would you prefer that?"

"Thank you." Ava rests her forehead against the door and sighs, lets her eyes close as she tries to will Beatrice into being okay.

She gathers her softest pajamas, the set Beatrice always steals when she forgets to bring her own. She hears the water screech on, the shower curtain scream closed. Diana whines from her entrapment and Ava lets her down, bribes her with cookies into going down for her nap early before she returns to the door. She knocks firmly and receives no reply.

"Hey, Bea." Ava calls through the door. "I have those pajamas you love. Do you want me to leave them out here or - "

"You can come in." Ava inhales deeply and nods, twists the knob slowly, staring intentionally at her feet as she steps into the steam filled room.

"I’m just going to leave these on the counter, I’ll be in the living room if you need me." She spins back to the door after dropping the clothes where she’d promised to leave them, pausing when she hears a sharp sniffle from behind the curtain. "Bea? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Just - can…" Beatrice takes a shaky breath. "Can you stay?"

"Oh. Umm yeah. I can stay. Do I - do I need to like… I’m not quite certain what I’m supposed to do." Beatrice makes a coughing sound that resembles a choked sob and Ava wants to wrap her in a blanket and tell her everything’s going to be alright. "Do you want me to sit here next to the tub?"

"It’s fine, you don’t - "

"That wasn’t my question, Bea. Do you want me to sit next to the tub, yes or no?"

"Yes." Her voice nearly gets lost in the water hitting the bottom of the basin, Ava barely catches when she adds infinitely quieter. "Please."

"Of course." Ava presses her back into the cold porcelain tub and hums quietly to herself, crossing her legs and hoping Beatrice will tell her what’s wrong without her having to ask. She’s not sure why she offers, but Beatrice doesn’t seem to be doing much more than standing under the scalding hot water. "I have a bath bomb or bubbles if you would prefer to take a bath."

"I - are you sure?" The curtain shifts and Beatrice’s hair drips water onto the tiles beside Ava.

"Absolutely. I mean, the bath bombs have little toys in them, but if you’re willing to overlook that." Ava stares at the animals on the bathmat.

"Are they good toys?" Beatrice is trying very hard to sound lighthearted, Ava knows she’s trying to wash away the stifling dark clouds that have settled in the room with them.

"Well, Diana loves them." Ava offers a half smile over her shoulder, not quite turning enough to meet Beatrice’s eyes. Beatrice laughs wetly and the water turns off briefly before she starts to fill the tub. Ava digs through Diana’s bath supplies, raising the bath bomb box above her head triumphantly when she finds it. "I have lavender and chamomile, orange and grapefruit, or… well this just says milk. I don’t know what that means."

"I would rather not smell like soggy cereal," Beatrice tries to joke, but the tears in her voice drown the humor. "The chamomile one sounds nice."

The curtain screams as it’s pushed open slowly, Ava stares intently at the door when she turns to hand the bath bomb to Beatrice.

"Thank you." Her voice is softer than it had been before, strained with emotion and Ava wants so desperately to wrap her in her arms and tell her it’s okay.

"It’s just a bath bomb. I think it was like four dollars for the set."

"Not. Not that. For - " Beatrice makes a clicking noise. Ava presses her back into the side of the tub. She doesn’t turn. "For being you. For being here."

"I never left. I’ve always been here, Bea. I always will."

"You can’t promise that." Ava almost turns, for barely a second she starts to. But she stops. She doesn’t want to make Beatrice uncomfortable.

"I can. And I have. And I will." Beatrice’s hand drips water down her neck when she brushes Ava’s hair over her shoulder. The droplet races down Ava’s spine and makes her shiver.

The water sloshes as Beatrice leans to turn it off, Ava can hear the bath bomb fizzing quietly as it dissolves, Diana’s music box slows to a stop. Ava worries Beatrice can hear her heart thumping against her chest. Lavender and chamomile wrap around her like a warm coat, carried by the steam from the broiling hot water.

Ava twists, keeps her head trained on the opposite wall while she extends her hand for Beatrice to take if she wishes. She does, threads her wet fingers through Ava’s and squeezes. Ava squeezes back.

"You can look." Ava’s heart stops and she shakes her head reflexively. "It’s okay, Ava."

"Are you sure?" Father forgive me but fuck you, this is not the time for these feelings. Beatrice’s free hand is gentle as it takes Ava’s chin and slowly turns her head for their eyes to meet. Her smile is soft and sincere, Ava reciprocates it easily.

She’s folded into herself, knees tucked under her chin, arm squeezing around her shins, shoulders curled into her thighs. She looks so small. Small and broken. Eyes red and puffy, nose raw, cheeks flushed. Ava’s never seen her like this, it twists and pulls and stabs her in the heart.

"Are you alright?" She rubs her thumb over Beatrice’s knuckles, watches her throat bob when she swallows.

"Fine." Ava raises an eyebrow but she doesn’t ask again, Beatrice drops her chin onto her knees and sighs, cuts her eyes away. "I’m sorry."

"You don’t have to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong." Beatrice shrugs and Ava offers a half smile. "Do you want me to wash your hair? It always makes me feel better when I’m upset."

Beatrice nods and Ava grabs the shampoo bottle as she moves behind Beatrice, massaging it into her scalp. Beatrice sighs deeply and leans into the touch, the soap foams and drips onto Beatrice’s shoulder. Ava watches the bubbles race down her back, trail over a freckle on her back.

"It was Lucia." Ava’s head snaps up as Beatrice turns, presses her chin into her shoulder.

"That upset you?" Beatrice nods. "Did you get into a fight?" Ava rinses the soap off her hands, cups water in her hand to rinse Beatrice’s hair.

"We aren’t - it’s not like that. I don’t - " Beatrice shakes her head, turns away. She sniffs and her voice wobbles, she continues barely in a whisper. "Please."

"Sorry. It’s not my business. You don’t have to tell me." Beatrice sighs again. "You can if you want, I just don’t want to pry."

"Ask."

"Uh, what?" Ava pulls back, braces herself on the edge of the tub.

"Ask. Please. I can’t…"

"Did she do something?" Beatrice nods. "Something you didn’t like?" She nods again. "Something you didn’t want?" Another nod. "Did she hurt you?"

Beatrice twists completely, tears in her eyes and chin wobbling. Soap tracks down the side of her face and Ava wipes it away without thinking. Beatrice flinches away.

"Sorry." She pulls away. Beatrice chases her hand with her own, leads it back to her face.

"Please."

"What’d she do, Bea?" Ava holds her face steady, listens to the water drip from the faucet.

"It’s not - it’s not even - I shouldn’t - "

"Hey, hey. Listen to me, you’re safe. You’re safe now. Whatever happened, I’m here." Ava doesn’t think before pulling her into her arms, soapy water drenching her shirt when Beatrice tucks her head into her neck. Ava cradles the back of her head, scratches the foamy skin there softly. "I’m here. You’re safe."

"I shouldn’t feel like this. It was just - it was - it was - "

"It wasn’t just anything, Bea. If you’re upset, it’s not just anything. Don’t invalidate your own emotions." Ava drops her cheek against the top of her head, squeezes her shoulders and rubs a circle on her back. "I’m here. You’re safe."

She holds her while she cries, scratches the nape of her neck and rubs across her shoulders until the tears fade and the sobs stop. She lets Beatrice’s wet hair stick her shirt to her back and trickle water down her spine, resists the urge to press a kiss against her temple. She holds her until the steam stops rising and the water cools and the bath bomb fizz all pops. She holds her until she pulls away.

"Hey. Come on. Let’s get you dressed and into bed, yeah?" Ava rubs the tops of her shoulders and smiles. "Let me rinse the rest of the shampoo out of your hair, then I’ll brush it and braid it, yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Always." Ava guides her back around, tilts her head back and slowly rinses the remaining soap from her hair. Beatrice watches her silently through glassy eyes, Ava’s careful not to splash any soap into her eyes, cups her hands to block the water when she pours it over her scalp. She helps her up, hands her a clean towel from the rack. "I’ll be right outside, if you need me."

"You don’t - you can stay." Ava pauses with her fingers on the doorknob.

"I know. I’ll be on the other side of the door." She doesn’t close it all the way, she stays where Beatrice can see her through the crack in the door. The wet spot on her shirt is cold, makes the skin feel blasted with frigid Arctic air. The door creaks open quietly and Beatrice’s fingers are warm as she grazes down the back of Ava’s elbow to her wrist. Ava turns and watches a water droplet speed down the vein in Beatrice’s neck and spread into the neck of her pullover. She’s holding Ava’s hairbrush and a hair tie. "Bed?" Beatrice nods a single time, chews on her bottom lip until Ava taps her thumb against the flesh. She smiles when Beatrice releases the raw skin from between her teeth. "Come now, let’s take care of your hair."

She’s gentle as she leads Beatrice to her bedroom, as she settles her on the floor beside her bed, as she shifts so Beatrice’s back is pressed into her shins.

"Is this okay?" Her hand hovers over Beatrice’s damp hair. She nods. "I need you to tell me, Bea."

"This is okay." Ava’s fingers sift through her hair, bundle the hair together so she can pull the brush through it carefully. Ava doesn’t speak again while she twists Beatrice’s hair into a French braid, ties the hair elastic around the end and drops it over Beatrice’s shoulder.

"All done. Do you want to lay down? Or I can make tea. Or we can watch a movie. Diana’s down for her nap so we have - "

"Ava."

"Sorry. I don’t want to make you feel like you - "

"I know." Beatrice presses deeper into Ava’s legs, drops her head over her knee. "I feel safe with you."

And there it is. That’s silly warm feeling that twists Ava’s heart in her chest and squeezes her lungs and makes her body pulse with each heartbeat.

Ava rubs her thumb over a freckle on Beatrice’s neck that’s shaped almost like a heart.

"Diana has one like this in this same spot." Beatrice twists to try to see what Ava’s talking about. "This heart-shaped freckle. She has it right here." She traces the muscle in her neck further up before pressing her thumb into the space Diana’s freckle is. She can feel Beatrice’s heartbeat thrashing beneath her fingertips.

Beatrice lifts her eyes from Ava’s hand to meet her gentle gaze, she turns into her, presses up on her knees to launch herself into Ava’s chest. She knocks the breath from Ava’s lungs as she tackles her back into the mattress, nose pressing into its home in the crook of her neck and arms squeezing tight.

Ava’s shirt is still wet and Beatrice’s breath across the cold flesh ripples goosebumps across her skin.

"You’re wet." She mumbled into the damp cloth, nuzzling closer.

"That’s what she said." Ava responds automatically before freezing. "Shit sorry, that was - "

Beatrice giggles, soft and unsteady. Ava feels her try to bury her smile in her shoulder, the curve of her grin pressed into her collarbone, the warmth of her laughter seeping through her skin and spreading through her chest.

"It’s okay." Beatrice smiles crookedly, face softer than it has been in as long as Ava can remember. She pulls away, rolls off her and pokes her side softly. "You should change out of your wet clothes."

Ava bites back another witty retort in favor of kissing Beatrice on the forehead and following her suggestion, ducking into her closet to shed the shirt and tug a dry one on. Beatrice is sprawled on her stomach across the bedspread waiting when she opens the door. She smiles, soft eyes watching her quietly.

Ava takes the hand Beatrice holds out to her, allows her to be pulled down beside her. She starts to curl against her when she hesitates.

"Is this okay?" Beatrice nods and Ava chews her lip but doesn’t move.

"It’s okay." Beatrice wiggles closer, guides Ava’s arm around her waist and tucks her nose into her neck. "I feel safe with you."

I feel safe with you.

Ava kisses her forehead again, holds her against her racing heart and prays she’ll never forget this moment.

157 notes · View notes

call-me-maggie13 · 9 months

Text

Year One

JC was supposed to be home hours ago. Ava’s trying not to cry, she’s coated in flour and the cake is a rock hard, inedible brick. Diana crawls into the kitchen, babbling and blowing raspberries at Ava.

"Hi, hi! Hey, baby!" Ava wipes her hands on the dishrag and picks her up. "Are you having a good day?"

Diana babbles at her then sticks her tongue out and giggles, Ava smiles and sticks her tongue out in response.

The door opens, thumps loudly against the wall and JC stumbles into the house. He brings the smell of a sticky bar floor with him, rocking and stumbling like a drunken sailor during a hurricane.

"Oh, hey," JC slurs, offering Ava a peace sign and a nod. Ava sighs and walks away, lowering Diana into her playpen and handing her a shape sorting toy.

"You’re late." She wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, she settles for pushing past him. "Did you get a cake?"

"I had a shit day at work, thanks for asking, Ava." She can hear him rolling his eyes.

"Did you bring a cake or not, JC?"

"Fuck," he groans, leaning against the doorframe and running his hand through his hair. He looks exhausted, bags under his bloodshot eyes. Ava finds she doesn’t much care.

"It’s your daughter’s birthday and you didn’t get her a cake? Did you at least get her a present? Something to unwrap?"

He doesn’t answer, stuffs his hands deep into his pockets and cuts his eyes away. His jaw is clenched, the line hard and strong beneath the muscle, his throat bobs as he swallows.

"No?" She shakes her head and fights back the tears in her eyes. "No. Of course not, why would you?"

"I’m going to change." He turns and stalks down the hall, slamming the bedroom door behind him. It rattles the pictures on the wall and makes Diana flinch.

"Yeah. Great talk, JC." She calls after him, lifting a now screaming Diana from the playpen and trying to calm her. JC yells something back at her, but she can’t tell what he said over Diana’s cries. It doesn’t matter, she realizes, because she doesn’t care what excuses he has anymore.

They don’t talk the rest of the evening. JC brings her one of Diana’s stuffed animals wrapped in a plastic grocery sack — it’s not like she’ll remember, he had said and Ava had wanted to punch him — and they spend supper pretending they’re not angry.

JC plays a game on his phone in bed while Ava puts Diana to sleep, tinny electronic explosions and rapid gunfire echoing through the room until he groans and drops the phone on his chest.

"Happy birthday, Diana." Ava whispers when she puts her down, stroking her cheek and kissing her forehead. She sits on the edge of the bed and watches her sleep, wishing she’d been able to give her a better birthday.

"I can’t believe it’s been a year," she murmurs when she joins JC in bed, the man scoffing and rolling his eyes. "What? Say it, JC. Just fucking say it."

"Worst year of my life. Is that better? Did that make you feel better?" He raises his voice and Ava checks that Diana isn’t woken by it. JC sees and stands, stomps into the hall and motions for Ava to follow.

"You can’t fucking say that." Ava whisper-yells when they get to the living room. JC laughs, cold and hard and angry.

"I told you." He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair before pointing an accusatory finger in Ava’s face, she flinches and steps back. He drops his hand with a sigh. "I told you I didn’t want to keep it."

"Keep it? It? Do you mean her, JC? She’s a year old. You’ve had a year."

"I didn’t want a baby." He’s quiet, his voice breathy and soft. "I told you when you found out."

"But you stayed!" Ava doesn’t mean to yell, holding her breath and waiting to see if she woke Diana.

"What was I supposed to do, Ava? Leave you pregnant and homeless? Abandon you with a newborn on the side of the street? I never wanted this. Don’t make me the bad guy."

"You don’t have to stay."

"I don’t want to!" She flinches at his booming voice. "Is that what you want to hear, Ava? I. Don’t. Want. To. Stay."

Diana cries, loud and howling and Ava wants to join her. She wants the ground to open up and swallow her.

"Then don’t." Saltwater races down her cheeks, drips from her chin to the floor and JC’s face falls. "I’ll find a job and an apartment. You don’t have to stay."

"Ava…" his fingers brush her elbow and she jerks away, dodges past him to get to Diana.

"No. It’s fine. You don’t want a baby. I’ll figure it out."

Neither says anything for a long time, they stare at each other in silence until JC sighs and shakes his head.

"I’ll sleep out here."

Ava nods and turns away, starting toward where Diana is wailing.

"Ava, wait." She stops and turns to him, eyebrows raised and breath held. He smiles sadly and nods at her, swallowing before continuing. "I just… thank you. I’m sorry."

Ava cries herself to sleep, apologizing for being a terrible mother to Diana who’s asleep on her chest. She’d ruined Diana’s first birthday, she’s going to grow up resenting Ava. What kind of mother ruins her baby’s first birthday?

JC helps Ava move that same weekend, leaving her with everything she could ever possibly need to raise a baby. He sends double what she asks for child support, but they don’t see each other again. She keeps up with him on social media, watches as he travels the world and chases girls and spends far too many weekends too drunk to remember his name.

He looks happy.

Year Two

"Is it supposed to look like that?" Lilith points at the lump on the breakfast bar. Beatrice frowns at her and wipes her hands down the front of her apron. She’s covered in flour and there are eggshells at her feet.

"Lilith, leave them alone," Camila grabs her by the elbow and drags her back to where they’re playing with Diana, who’s dressed in a yellow princess gown and tiara. Diana waves at Beatrice with a smile before returning to her tea party.

Beatrice waves back, even though Diana’s already looking away, before turning to Ava.

"I don’t think it looks that bad." Ava laughs at her, scrunching her nose up at the unforgiving lump that’s supposed to be Diana’s birthday cake. They’d tried, but maybe they weren’t meant to bake.

"It’s terrible, Bea." Ava tucks herself into Beatrice’s chest, arms winding around her waist and holding her in place. Beatrice drops her chin on the top of her head and squeezes her close.

"If we give her the dollhouse last, she might forget about the cake," Beatrice whispers with a chuckle, pulling away when Ava giggles and pushes her shoulder playfully.

"We could ask Shannon and Mary to pick one up?" The doorbell chimes and Ava groans. Another birthday without a cake. What kind of mother can’t bake a birthday cake?

Cheers of greetings drift down the hallway, bouncing and bubbling and bright. Diana abandons the tea party to sprint full speed into Shannon’s legs, nearly knocking them out from under her and sending her crumpling into the ground.

"What’s box?" Diana asks, reaching towards the box in Mary’s hands. Shannon and Mary share a grin before Mary drops to a knee next to Diana.

"It’s your cake, wanna see?"

"I told you we were making a cake, Shannon." Beatrice chides before Mary opens the box to reveal a unicorn shaped cake. Diana squeals and bounces on her toes, looking like she’s seriously debating throttling herself into the cake when Shannon scoops her up.

"I know, but you can’t bake and I guessed Ava wouldn’t be able to either, sorry." She isn’t. She’s laughing, but Beatrice doesn’t care because Diana has a cake now.

Ava catches her eye and Beatrice shakes her head minutely, glancing towards the kitchen. Ava nods and excuses herself to dump the cake into the trash. She barely manages to shut the lid before Mary joins her. Ava pretends to be wiping the counters off, like she didn’t just throw away her and Beatrice’s second pitiful attempt at a cake, and Mary laughs.

"Look, I’ve known Bea since she was fourteen. She can’t bake. It’s sad and it’s hilarious. But you?" Mary sets the cake on the counter and digs through a drawer for birthday candles. "I have to say, I did want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Shannon said you don’t have baking hands though, whatever that means."

"I did not!" Shannon bumps their shoulders before setting Diana down and watching her race back to her tea party. "What I said was that you don’t look like you know how to make a cake."

"That’s not true at all, she said you don’t have baking hands. I swear by it!"

"How does someone who knows how to make a cake look?" Beatrice asks, taking her sister by the shoulders and giving her a soft shake.

"Well, like me. Of course. And Camila and Lilith."

"Lilith can’t bake."

"Well, she looks like she can."

"Lilith started a kitchen fire. She was boiling water and started a fire. Lilith started a fire with water, Shannon." Ava giggles at Beatrice’s frustration, taking her hand and squeezing her fingers three times. Beatrice repeats the pattern.

"Beatrice! I was fifteen! Let it go!" Lilith calls from the kitchen table, earning a scolding remark from Diana about how princesses don’t yell. Lilith’s cheeks burn red and she apologizes, offering Diana a toy cookie as repentance. Diana accepts it and hugs her.

"Nannon, Mary come!" Diana asks, waving them over. Mary grins and drags Shannon out of the room by her hand, offering Diana a curtsy before taking the offered plastic tea cup and seat.

Ava leans onto the counter and watches them complimenting the tea and fake pastries, watches Diana glow with every word, her heart swelling until she fears it might burst. She has to take a deep breath to ease the pressure in her lungs.

"Are you alright?" Beatrice murmurs, pressing into the counter beside Ava. Their shoulders brush, burning and alight where their skin touches. Beatrice is watching her, grounding and pulling Ava from her head. Ava is quiet, watching. Waiting. Waiting for this to fall apart.

This can’t be real. Last year, Ava had cried herself to sleep on Diana’s birthday, after spending most of it alone — just the two of them. Last year, Ava had ruined Diana’s birthday and she’d failed her as a mother. Last year, Ava had thought she would never be able to give Diana a birthday she’d love.

She thought she had to do it all on her own.

But here she is. One year after the worst day of her life. Surrounded by the people who love her. Diana is bright and bubbly and loved. She is so deeply loved that it makes Ava’s eyes burn. It’s all Ava has ever wanted for her baby, people who love without conditions. Love that never gets taken away or asks for anything in return.

Diana has that now.

"Yeah, I’m just - " Ava shrugs, she doesn’t know how to put it into words. Beatrice doesn’t ask her to, she smiles and accepts when Ava curls into her chest, hearts beating in chorus. "Is this real? Are you real?"

"I believe so, yes." She buries her head in Ava’s neck and squeezes her tighter, her warm breath making Ava shiver.

"Ayo, lovebirds!" Something thumps off Ava’s shoulder and bounces to the floor. "Come get your kid, she’s trying to make me eat worm sandwiches!"

"You just threw a plastic croissant at Ava, I think you deserve a few worm sandwiches." Diana giggles at Beatrice’s response, bouncing in her seat.

"I was aiming for your head," Mary mutters, sticking her tongue out at Diana when she tries to put a toy sandwich on her plate.

"Hey! How about we do presents?" Shannon twists in her seat to talk to Beatrice, singsongy and grinning mischievously. "She’s going to love ours. And you are going to hate it."

Shannon lifts Diana from the seat, swooping her around the room making airplane noises. Diana squeals and flaps her arms all the way to the living room. Ava kisses Beatrice’s cheek softly before untangling and leading her out of the room.

Diana is sat in Lilith’s lap with a present wrapped in paper with cartoon animals, she’s pointing to them and naming them wrong. She points to a pig and tells Lilith it’s a dog, a rabbit she calls a cow, a horse she calls a bear. She’s giggling maniacally with each incorrect name.

It takes a little prompting to get her to abandon the game, but eventually they convince her to tear the paper open.

It’s a toy keyboard.

"Wow! That’s - " Ava’s voice is high and tight. "That’s just - wow!"

Diana smiles and pushes it off her lap, sliding to the ground and scampering to the big box in front of Mary. She rips the paper down and wraps the strip around her like a cape, spinning before abandoning it to tear another strip and repeating the action. Gradually, she tears her way through the wrapping and unveils a baby drum set.

"Oh my god, they’re in cahoots." Beatrice’s palm rests on Ava’s bouncing knee, stilling the movement.

"In cahoots? What are you seventy?" Ava curls her fingers over the top of Beatrice’s.

"It’s payback for all the times you stole my clothes." Shannon smirks and wiggles her eyebrows, already ripping through the tape to unpack it.

"Did you guys talk about what you were getting her? Did I miss a meeting? My gift is not within the theme." Camila offers Diana a small gift bag. Diana yanks the tissue paper out and throws it in the air, dancing under it as it falls. She does it again and again until she grows bored. She attempts to climb into the bag before Camila tells her there’s still something in it.

Ava hopes Camila didn’t get her a recorder or a tambourine because she’s not sure she’ll survive if she did.

It is a watercolor set. Oh, thank god.

"Is it?" Diana holds it out to Beatrice, climbing into her lap and listening while she explains it to her.

"Here, let me show you." She takes the cup of water from beside her and slides to the floor with Diana, flipping a paper over and dipping the brush in the water before swirling it in a blue and swiping it across the page. Diana gasps, eyes wide when she turns to Beatrice.

"Wanna try?" Beatrice offers the paintbrush to her and Diana nods, taking it from her like it’s the most precious thing she’s ever received. She jabs it into the paper and turns to Beatrice with a grin, Beatrice nods and Diana does it again, pausing and listening intently while Beatrice explains how to change colors.

Diana makes a picture for everyone, each a blob of colors swirling together until they’re almost a brownish grey. Beatrice asks Diana twice if she wants to open her present from Ava and her. Diana turns her down both times, completely focused on her painting.

Shannon and Mary spend the next hour and a half arguing over how to put the drum set together, Lilith sets up the keyboard and starts to plunk out a melody that earns a cursory glance from Diana before she returns to her art.

Slowly, their guests trickle out, leaving for their own homes with their paintings from Diana. Lilith elects to go with Camila in an attempt to get out of doing the dishes she’d promised to wash. Beatrice doesn’t quite mind.

It isn’t until Diana falls asleep on her paintbrush that Ava even mentions leaving, almost like it hadn’t occurred to her that she wasn’t home.

"Stay. She’s already asleep, you can take the guest room." Beatrice wipes the watercolor from Diana’s face with a damp cloth, careful not to wake her. "I’ll help you move everything to yours in the morning, yeah?"

Ava pretends she doesn’t immediately want to accept the offer, wiggling her shoulders in nonexistent silent debate. When she agrees, Beatrice lights up like a candle, eagerly leading Ava to the guest room where she tucks Diana in carefully. She kisses Diana’s forehead and whispers something Ava can’t make out but it warms her chest regardless.

Ava helps Beatrice clear away the mess of the party. Beatrice smiles at her over the breakfast bar, stacking dishes in the sink while Ava wipes the table. When Ava attempts to start washing the dirty dishes, Beatrice drags her out of the kitchen.

"Lilith can do them when she gets home or in the morning, you sit. Relax. This is a big day for you too." Beatrice takes her place at Ava’s side on the couch.

"Is that so?" Ava taunts, one eyebrow raised when Beatrice turns to her.

"Of course. You made an entire person, Ava. And you kept her alive for two years. That’s not a small thing. You literally created an entire human being two years ago. You made a person that didn’t exist before. Do you not think that’s awe-inspiring?" There’s a light in her words that burns deep beneath Ava’s skin, her voice soft and high while Ava watches her.

Ava wants to deny it. She’s not certain she’s deserving of the way Beatrice is looking at her right now. She’s never thought about it like that, never really considered anything about her pregnancy miraculous or awe-inspiring. It was always something that just was. It was neither good nor bad, it was something that happened to her more than it was anything else.

She loves Diana with everything she has and is, but there are moments that she wonders if her daughter will hate her for the things Ava can’t give her.

"Whether or not you believe me, Ava, you did something miraculous." Ava bites her lip to hide how it trembles, cuts her eyes away so Beatrice can’t see the tears gathering. Beatrice hooks a finger under Ava’s chin and turns her face back slowly, traces the line of her jaw with her thumb. "That deserves celebration too."

Ava doesn’t have the words to respond, she doubts she could formulate a coherent sentence right now even if she tried. Beatrice doesn’t try to force an explanation for the quiet tears that she gathers beneath the pads of her thumbs. She waits, gentle and quiet, while Ava takes a shuddering breath and nods at her.

"So?"

"So." Beatrice waits with the ghost of a smile, eyes sparkling.

"How are we to celebrate?" Ava tries to smile even though her voice trembles and cracks.

"How do you wish to celebrate?" Ava shrugs and Beatrice chuckles. "We can do anything you’d like. As long as it is within the apartment, I don’t think Arson would be a great babysitter."

Arson lifts his head at his name, blinks at her sleepily and flicks his tail. He stretches and bounces across the coffee table, carefully avoiding Diana’s drying artwork, and brushes against Ava. He purrs loudly and curls into her lap, nudging her hand until she scratches behind his ears.

"Can we just - can we be here?" When Ava extends her hand to Beatrice, she accepts it with a nod and presses a soft kiss on the back of it.

Neither talks for a while, Beatrice traces shapes into the inside of Ava’s wrist, little hearts and stars and swirls. She leaves goosebumps in her wake. Beatrice can feel Ava’s heart racing beneath her touch, notices the way she shivers when Beatrice lightly scratches her forearm.

There’s a moment, when Ava’s breath stutters and she glances at Beatrice’s lips and she thinks she might kiss her. Beatrice wants her to kiss her.

But she doesn’t.

Because Diana comes stumbling down the hall dragging her blanket with her thumb tucked between her teeth. She pushes Arson out of Ava’s lap and takes his place, pulling him back once she’s settled. She squeezes him against her chest and he makes a dissenting meow but he doesn’t fight back.

"Happy birthday," Diana whispers to no one in particular around her thumb, dropping her head against Ava’s shoulder. She’s so cute, smiling dopily at Beatrice who brushes her sleep tousled hair out of her face.

"Did you have a good birthday, patinho?" Diana nods and crawls from Ava’s lap to Beatrice’s, dragging poor Arson with her. "Why don’t we let the cat go? Yes?"

Diana pouts but she relinquishes him anyways. He darts out from her embrace only to return a moment later, kneading on Diana’s blanket across her legs. She pats his head and smiles when he nuzzles against her.

Maybe, in another lifetime, this wouldn’t be so difficult. This wouldn’t be so terrifying. Maybe this would be easy and natural and wouldn’t make Ava feel like she’s going to throw up. Maybe it would be as simple as breathing.

But it isn’t now. Because Ava would rather pretend they’re just friends than risk having to explain to Diana why Beatrice isn’t around anymore.

She’s already had one parent walk out on her, Ava doesn’t want to be the reason she loses another.

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