#victorsworldadventures
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Journal Entry #51 (part one)
previously - Journal Entry #50
Victor
Hey everyone!
Guess who got one of his casts off?
Spoiler alert: it's me!
My right wrist only had a partial fracture, and after looking at my latest x-rays, Dr. Sato said the bone is completely knitted together now. I started physio for my right arm today, and guess what else? I'm cleared for limited daytime driving and light exercise, and the doctor says that if I keep progressing at this rate, she'll fully clear me for all my normal activities in a month. That means snowboarding. It means I can start training again, and eventually competing again if I want to.
Yuri doesn't like the idea of me getting back into competition, but he said he won't try to stop me if it's what I want. What I really want is to make it into the FIS World Championship next year and hopefully place in the top ten. Ideally, I'd like to be on the medal podium, but I have to be realistic about it. Naturally, I'm aiming for the top, but it's just that I have to be prepared not to achieve that, because as I've learned, anything can happen.
But, I've promised Yuri that I'll retire at the end of next season, regardless of the outcome at Worlds. If I have a year to mentally prepare myself for my retirement, maybe it won't be so difficult.
Dr. Sato says it'll be at least another two to three weeks before my left arm is ready to come out of its cast, and she says I'll likely have to wear a wrist brace for a few more weeks after that. Even though I'm itching to get back on the slopes, I'm trying to look on the bright side. Having one of my hands back in service has made a massive difference in the level of help I need, so I definitely shouldn't be complaining.
Talking about my arms makes me realize just how much time has actually passed since I recorded anything here. It's been about five and a half weeks since my accident, and the last time I made an entry was a little over two weeks after it. So, basically that's three weeks of radio silence. Sorry for that.
It's been a chaotic three weeks, but Yuri and I have been managing. Mom and Julian already went home, and Uncle Kaz left the day before yesterday, but Yuri's parents are still here to look after us. We're getting lots of support from our friends as well.
Yuri finally got out of the hospital after having been in there for seventeen days. He's still mostly on bed rest at home, but I can see him improving little by little each day. He’s sleeping less and eating regularly now, and doesn’t seem to be in as much pain as he was before.
More than anything, I'm beyond grateful that he's eating. I don't even care that his meals are tiny and mostly consist of yogurt, fruit and rice, or that he has to be coaxed to eat, or that somebody often has to feed him. Anything's better than an NG tube.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Seiji was dead-on about the strawberry mochi. It did, in fact, turn out to be the thing that convinced Yuri to try taking one small bite of something. Seriously, never underestimate the power of desserts.
Now that I've mentioned Seiji, I should give you a little update on him, too. He ended up moving to the city after all, despite my best efforts at talking him into staying around.
You may have guessed the brilliant idea I had that day in the park was for Seiji to help take care of Yuri once he was released from the hospital. I thought it was a stroke of genius. It'd give Seiji a purpose and a reason not to leave, and it'd avoid the necessity of having a stranger look after Yuri while he's recovering. Unfortunately, neither Seiji nor Yuri went for it. That's not to say we didn't ultimately solve the problem anyway, but I'll tell you more about that in a minute.
The last I heard from Seiji, he'd gotten a job in a convenience store, just like he predicted he would. I'm not sure he's entirely happy with it, but he didn't seem happy here any more either, so I guess he might as well be unhappy with a change of scenery. I'd much rather he was happy, of course, but I have no control over that. Happiness is an inside job, after all. We each have to get into the mindset of choosing happiness for ourselves.
As for me, I can honestly say I'm happy in spite of everything. Setbacks notwithstanding, the future’s looking good for Yuri and me.
In light of Dr. Sato's prognosis for my recovery and my ability to return to competitive snowboarding, I got in contact with Luke Smith, my former coach back home to see whether he'd consider taking me on as a student again. He said he couldn't do it, but he told me that he had the perfect person in mind for me to train with, and when he told me who it was, I might've shouted a little bit with excitement.
Apparently one of my former teammates, Davey Duke — or Daisy, as everyone calls him — is planning to retire at the end of this season, but is looking to stay actively involved with the sport. Daisy and I were always great friends, and we've kept in sporadic contact since I've been in Japan. Also, the guy's a freakin' rockstar. Having him for a coach, I'd be the envy of pretty much every other competitor in the sport.
Luke said he'd pitch the idea to Daisy and get back to me, but as it happened, I didn't have to wait for Luke. Within two hours of that conversation with my old coach, I had a text from Daisy that was in all caps with a huge string of exclamation marks. "YES, MY DUDE!!!!!! LET'S DO IT!!!!!!!"
That matter having been unequivocally taken care of, Yuri and I have turned our attention to planning our move at the end of May. The goal is to be there and settled in well before Mom and Julian's wedding on the eleventh of June. We officially made an offer on the haunted house, which was quickly accepted, and we’ve transferred our down payment.
We’d been hoarding money for that down payment since the house went on the market, and we’re kinda broke now until Yuri gets next month’s allowance from his trust fund, but I can live with it. I’ve been broke before and survived.
One of the lawyers at Uncle Stephen's firm is dealing with all the legal details of the house purchase for us, which is a huge relief. An even bigger relief is that Uncle Stephen is personally handling Yuri's immigration paperwork, and he's waiving his fees.
In related news, I'm still debating with myself what to do about school. I've almost entirely made up my mind that I'm going to study nursing, but I'm waiting for my next appointment with Dr. Ishida before I commit to that choice completely. Dr. Ishida's pronouncement about my ability to read having more to do with my vision than my intelligence is still sinking in, and I want to get my glasses and be sure I actually can read as well as she thinks I can before I sign myself up for a course with lots of required reading.
The other thing I have to decide is if I'm going to try to start school this September or if I'm going to defer my studies for a year. I think it might be difficult to do a course with a clinical component while I'm competing. I'd have to travel for competitions, but I'd also have to prioritize my clinical placements, and since it's impossible to be in two places at once, I'd have to pick one. I think that'd be a less than ideal situation.
Meanwhile, Yuri has decided to take a leave of absence from his job at FutureBright Communications. His boss, Mr. Tanaka, assured him that he could still work remotely even if he was living in Canada, but Dr. Kasongo suggested that it'd be in his best interests not to work at all for a while. She thinks it makes more sense to focus on his health without having to cope with the pressure and stress of work.
Yuri resisted at first, but I think Mr. Tanaka might've guided him toward seeing reason. I know he really trusts and respects Mr. Tanaka, and I think the promise that there'd still be a job for him when he's ready to come back to work helped.
The human resources lady from FutureBright phoned here a few days ago to fill out the paperwork for short-term disability insurance benefits with him. He'll be covered for six months, which will get him through the spring and summer, and then they'll revisit the claim in early September to see if it'll need to be renewed for a further six months or if he can return to his job.
Personally, I think this is the perfect arrangement. Who wouldn't want a free summer in Willow Creek, with a percentage of their pay still coming in? Yuri can devote his time to getting healthy and doing things he enjoys, and when I'm not busy with work or training, we'll be able to go on all kinds of awesome adventures together. I'm really looking forward to that.
Another thing both Yuri and I are looking forward to is having Takahiro and Fox join us in Willow Creek this summer. Fox is from the Willow Creek-Newcrest area, and when his visa expires at the beginning of August he'll be returning, and he's bringing Taka with him.
Normally, one might expect that they'd stay with Fox's parents, but apparently the Abbottsfords dislike "foreigners" and have some sort of weird moral objection to the fact that their son is in a relationship with a man. They sound like totally charming people, right?
According to Taka, Fox's father hasn’t even spoken to him since November, which utterly blows my mind. My mom and I would be beside ourselves if we were out of contact for more than a day or two, much less for whole months at a stretch. Even when Yuri's relationship with his dad was at its worst, they still spoke to each other every couple of weeks.
Just as an aside, Yuri talks to his dad daily now, and sometimes multiple times a day. I love to see how much closer they're growing lately, and it almost makes me sad that we're moving because it means Yuri won't get to spend as much time with him. But, like Mr. Okamoto has assured us, they'll come and visit and they can certainly still find ways to talk every day.
Anyway, in light of all the racist and homophobic nonsense with Fox's parents, Yuri and I have already agreed that Fox and Taka can stay with us if they want to, until they find a place of their own. The haunted house has a couple of extra bedrooms in the basement, so they can have whichever one of those isn't Sachiko's room.
Yeah, Sachiko the ghost has decided to remain in the house. Robert and Kim MacAllister, the current owners, told us that they offered to bring her home to Mt. Komorebi, but she wanted to stay and see what it'd be like to share a home with people her own age.
That was kind of funny to me. I mean, Kim and Robert are in their early seventies, and as far as they can determine, Sachiko died about seventy-five years ago, so they're technically closer to her age than we are. Still, I get what she meant. She was in her early twenties when she died, and Yuri and I are in our mid-twenties now, so there's a certain logic to her choice.
Robert and Kim explained that they bought Sachiko a flower-arranging station, and decorated a bedroom for her, and even set a place at the table for her at mealtimes. Being a ghost, Sachiko doesn't need to eat or sleep, but they wanted to help her feel like part of the family. Yuri and I are planning to continue with that, so of course we can't give away her bedroom, even if she doesn't actually sleep in it.
Now, the only hurdle left to face is how we're going to break the news to Taka that our haunted house literally is haunted. Up to this point, he's seemed to think it's some kind of elaborate joke. He's not a big fan of the paranormal, and I think he might not want to stay with us when he finally grasps the fact that Sachiko is real.
But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, as my grandpa Michael likes to say. We'll certainly have plenty of opportunity to address the subject, since we've been seeing a lot more of Taka and Fox lately.
And why is that, you ask? Seiji may not have bought into my plan to help take care of Yuri, but Fox and Taka did. Or more specifically, Fox did, and because he already has his partner wrapped firmly around his little finger, our dear friend Takahiro is along for the proverbial ride.
I'd like to take full credit for planning our circumstances to evolve this way, but I can't. In reality, Fox volunteered for the job and Yuri, perhaps concluding that we didn't have a lot of viable options, accepted his offer.
It happened a few days before Yuri got out of the hospital. I was there with him when Fox and Taka showed up for a visit. Yuri hadn’t been very talkative. He'd had a bad morning and really didn't want to do anything except be cuddled, but that hadn't put Taka and Fox off. They seemed happy enough to sit there and chat with me.
Fox was excited because he's learning to drive and would be getting his learner's permit soon. He happily declared that there'd be no stopping him once he had his own wheels, whereupon Taka emphasized the need for his own, because he certainly wasn't going to be driving Yuzu. Oh... If no one's mentioned it before, Taka has this SUV that he and Seiji painted an absolutely eye-popping shade of yellow. He calls it Yuzu, after the fruit, and I'm reasonably certain it's his most prized possession.
Meanwhile, Taka was excited because he just finished his first study module in language school. He only started taking English classes at the language school in January, so I felt like his achievement was impressive, and told him so. His English was okay to begin with, but it's improved by leaps and bounds since he started his course. He confided that he wants to get as much learning in as possible before the summer, because he wants to take the immigration language test so he can apply for a study permit and go to college in Canada.
"Looks like you've got a busy spring, then," I remarked.
"Yeah," Taka agreed. "Because I has big plans."
"I have plans," Fox corrected him, and they both laughed.
"I have plans," Taka repeated dutifully. "Why is that one so hard?"
"You'll get it," Fox said. "Don't worry. You're already so much further ahead than you were when we met."
"Because I practice with you. You're the best teacher I... has." As if the deliberate pause wasn't enough to signal that he'd used the wrong verb tense on purpose this time, Taka bestowed his partner with a cheeky little grin. "Best ever."
That caused Fox to blush an extreme shade of pink, and brought about my turn to laugh. "Anybody ever tell you guys how cute you are?"
"Everyone. All the time," Taka answered cheerfully.
Fox looked flustered, and mumbled something in Japanese that sounded like. "New topic. Begging you."
Taka looked amused. "Now who's showing his good language skills?"
"Maybe we do need a new topic, before Fox starts looking for a place to hide," I said.
"Okay," Taka agreed. "I know when to stop. We can talk about you instead. You're going to Canada before us."
"Yeah, at the end of May, but we've got to get back on our feet and make it through the rest of the winter and the spring, first. One thing at a time, right, Yuri?"
Yuri stirred slightly in my arms and said quietly, "I guess."
"Are you going home soon, Yuri?" Fox asked.
When he didn't reply after several seconds, I said, "His doctor says he can go home in a few days, but she won't release him until we sort out who's going to be looking after him."
"Won't his parents do it?" Taka asked.
"They will, but they can't be with us the whole time," I gestured vaguely with one of my casted arms. "And there's a lot I still can't do, so I'm going to need some help too."
"What exactly do you need?" Fox asked. "Is it like, actual medical stuff, or more like someone to help around the house?"
"The only medical thing would be to make sure Yuri takes his medication when he's supposed to," I said. "But, I can still manage that myself. It's the other stuff that we need help with."
"I could do it," he said.
I wasn't quite sure I'd heard him correctly. "You... what?"
"I could help you, and I'll bet Auntie Keiko would help too, if you asked her."
"I think she would," Taka said. "We can ask."
"You can help too, Takahiro," Fox added.
Taka hadn't appeared to mind being drafted by his boyfriend. "Yes, when I'm not at work."
"Perfect," Fox said. "Victor, even if Auntie can't help, you'll have Taka on Fridays and Sundays if you need him, and I'll be glad to come to your house every day and do what I can."
"You know what you'd be getting into, right?" I asked. "You'd be doing almost everything until I get at least one of these casts off."
"I understand."
As grateful as I was for his offer, I needed to make sure he really did understand. Being able to see properly again, I was able to do a lot more for myself than I could before. I was getting pretty good at using just my fingers to do quite a few things, and I was feeling comfortable picking up lighter objects like dishes or dog toys or laundry, but without the use of my thumbs, there were still plenty of tasks that were outside my ability.
"When I say everything, I mean literally everything," I said. "That'd include personal care, so uh... there'd be kinda gross stuff involved."
Fox laughed. "Are you trying to discourage me?"
"I'm not trying to discourage you. I just don't want you to agree to something without knowing exactly what you'd be in for."
"Thanks." Fox's determination was evident on his face. "I appreciate that, but I can do it."
Taka reached for Fox's hand, and the smile he gave him practically glowed with pride. "You are amazing. You wouldn't have done that before."
"I've learned a lot from you and your parents and Jin," Fox said. "Turns out, I'm capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for, and I'm not scared to challenge myself any more. Plus, remember what you told me when we first met?"
"I told you a lot of stuff," Taka said.
"Yes, but I'm talking about what you said about kindness. You said the best way to repay you for your kindness to me would be for me to pay it forward to someone else some day."
"Right. I remember."
"Well," Fox said. 'I guess this is the day."
I glanced down at Yuri, who was curled tightly against my chest and clearly doing his best not to listen to the conversation. "Hey," I said softly. "Would you be okay with that? With Fox looking after you?"
He nodded and practically whispered. "I... I think I'd be okay with that."
I'm not sure Yuri was entirely relieved, but I can assure you I was. The issue of whether or not we'd need somebody from the home healthcare program had been a big one for us, and something I was glad we no longer had to think about.
Although I felt confident the home care workers were well-trained and trustworthy, my opinion would've made very little difference if Yuri was too scared to have them in the house. Being in constant fear wouldn't help his recovery. And yeah, it'd be easy to say his fear was irrational or unjustified, but given his physical condition as well as his past trauma, I'd tend to disagree. I mean, if I were in his place, I think I'd be scared to let a stranger into my house too, never mind letting them do personal stuff for me.
At least Fox was a known quantity. To be fair, we didn't know him all that well yet, but based on my acquaintance with him up to that point, I was satisfied that he would handle Yuri with care. Besides, I reminded myself, Takahiro's parents trust him to continue to live in their home and not cause any trouble, and apparently Taka's sister Aiko trusts him enough to ask him to babysit her three year old son. I reasoned that if he could manage looking after little Toshiro with no mishaps, then he should be able to handle looking after an adult.
#ts4#sims 4#eagames#victorsworldadventures#victor nelson#yuri okamoto#takahiro suzuki#fox abbottsford#tw hospital#tw chronic illness#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #54
Journal Entry #53 // STORY INDEX
Victor
Hey, everyone.
I wanted to record something tonight to tell you that Yuri and I are okay. My last entry was kind of raw, and both of us were struggling really bad, so I figured it was only right to let you know that we came out the other side of that situation. Yuri fared worse than I did, but he's still here and that is what's important.
I'm gonna be honest, it's been a tough few days. Yuri stopped eating again, and I'm really worried he's going to end up back in the hospital if he doesn't get something more than water and soy milk into him soon. It's been doubly stressful because Fox somehow got the idea that it was his fault, and I've had to deal with that too.
The small bit of good news was that Fox understood when I explained to him that Yuri refusing to eat isn't a new thing, and it had nothing to do with him. He seemed reluctant to come back after that, though, and although I tried to encourage him to stick with us a bit longer, ultimately I told him it was fine if he didn't want to.
With one hand free, I'm able to cook, feed myself and do the majority of my own personal care, so I'm not dependent on someone else now. Yuri can at least get out of bed and take himself to the bathroom, so that's no longer an issue either. Some of the housecleaning is still a bit much for me to manage on my own, but I reasoned that the world wouldn't end if the laundry didn't get folded or the kitchen floor didn't get swept every day.
After talking it over, Fox agreed that he'd still come by every couple of days to help me do household chores, but he said he didn't want to look after Yuri any more. I wasn't happy about it, since I think Yuri still needs help maintaining his full personal care routine, but what could I do? I had to acknowledge what Fox wanted.
That might've been the end of the matter for me if Yuri hadn't acted so obviously relieved when he found out Fox wasn't going to be taking care of him any more. If I hadn’t known better, I might’ve thought something bad happened between them, but I knew Fox had been extremely careful. He never touched Yuri in any way without asking first, and he handled him like glass when he did. Sure, they’d had their disputes over food and eating, but Yuri is just as difficult at mealtimes with me and with his parents, so I didn’t see how that'd be any worse with Fox.
From what I observed, Fox had been giving maximum effort, and Yuri hadn't been making it easy for him. And yeah, I get that Yuri's in physical pain and that he's going through a lot psychologically, and I know that makes him frustrated and irritable, but I didn't think it was okay for him to take it out on Fox. I especially didn't think it was okay for him to play on Fox's insecurities. I mean, that poor guy hasn't had an easy life himself. He deserves to be built up instead of being torn down for a change.
Seriously, you guys have no idea how much I wanted to call Yuri out on that, right then and there. I'll concede that I let him get away with a lot, but I love him, and I've learned that love is just as much about helping your loved one learn and grow as it is about all the warm, fuzzy stuff. Sometimes growth is hard, and it might not feel like progress at all when you're going through it, but the end result is usually worth it.
My Grandpa Michael says love is like growing roses. You might not want to cut them back, but pruning them actually helps them get stronger. He says you've got to be careful, 'cause you also have to know when to prune them and how much to cut. And I mean, Grandpa Michael should know. He was married to my grandmother for over forty years, until she passed away, and you don't get that far without understanding what love is. Also, they grew the most gorgeous roses in Brindleton Bay together, and Grandpa Michael still tends them and refers to them as "Lydia's roses".
I haven't seen my grandfather or any of my relatives in Brindleton Bay for over two years, but I know I'll at least see Grandpa at Mom and Julian's wedding. I think he loves my mom as if she's his own daughter, and he stayed close with her and me after my dad and sister passed. At this point, none of us could imagine him not being a part of our lives and being there for all our major life events.
After the wedding, I might go back to the Bay with him for a visit. It'd be nice to spend some one-on-one time with him. We could geek out about sports, do all kinds of fancy cooking, and probably spend hours at the local fitness center. I'm sure there's a lot of maintenance work I could help him do around his place as well. Really, I just want to hang out with somebody who gets me on a fundamental level, and to take a break from all my regular responsibilities.
Oh, and maybe this is kinda off-topic, but in case you're curious, Grandpa Michael isn't my only surviving grandparent. My other set of grandparents, Isabella and Giancarlo DeLuca, are both alive and doing well. They moved back to Tartosa the summer Leo and I graduated from college, so about four years ago now. According to Nonna Isabella, they wanted to spend their golden years in the place where their lives began, which made a lot of sense to me. They immigrated a long time ago, and all their kids — my mom, Uncle Stephen and Uncle JP — were born in Canada, but although they built a life in Willow Creek and are naturalized Canadians now, I'm sure their hearts will always be Italian.
Ugh...yeah. Sorry for getting off-track there. I'm really tired, and I guess you guys have figured out by now that it's harder for me to concentrate and stay focused when I'm like this.
Anyway, back to what I was originally trying to tell you. You might be impressed to hear that I managed to hold back from lecturing Yuri about how he'd been treating Fox. If I'd confronted him about it right away, we would've ended up in an argument. I didn't think he could spare the energy to fight with me, and I can tell you that I certainly didn't have the wherewithal to argue with him. Since discretion is the better part of valour, as they say, I opted to wait for a more appropriate moment.
As it happened, however, my appropriate moment never came because his mother got to him before I did.
Mrs. Okamoto dropped in unexpectedly yesterday afternoon with some sort of soup she'd made for us, and the first thing she said after greeting me was, "Where's your friend? Is he upstairs with Yuri?"
"Um... no," I said, hesitant to tell her too much, but also not wanting to keep the truth from her. "Fox isn't here. He, um... the arrangement wasn't working out for him."
I should've known better than to hope my mother-in-law would let it go at that. "What do you mean, the arrangement wasn't working out? And didn't any of you think it would have been a good idea to tell me or Kenji that the situation had changed? It's not as if one of us hasn't been here with you every night."
"I thought Yuri was going to tell you," I said.
"Why would you think he'd take responsibility for telling us?"
"Uh... because... Like, I don't think Fox was comfortable, and Yuri wasn't very, um... diplomatic? He was sort of feeling like... uncharitable? But, I mean, if I realized he wasn't going to tell you, I would have. It was just—"
She must've noticed that I was getting flustered, because her demeanour softened a little. "No, it's all right," she said. "You're very responsible, and I know you would've told us if you didn't think we already knew."
"Sorry," I said. "I guess I should've told you anyway."
"Perhaps, but it doesn't matter now. At the moment, I'm less interested in who told me about it than I am in why it happened in the first place. Was there a problem?"
"Not from where I was standing," I said. "Fox was doing amazing, as far as I could see."
"Hmm..." was her response. "Well then, I suppose I'll have to ask Yuri about it, won't I?"
I can't say I was overjoyed when I imagined how that would go, and I questioned whether or not Yuri would even tell her the truth. I had a bad feeling he'd try to blame it on Fox when it was unequivocally not Fox's fault, and let me tell you, I definitely wouldn't have been pleased if he had done.
On the pretext of listening to an audiobook in my room, I followed my mother-in-law upstairs when she went up to talk to Yuri. I put my earbuds in, got my phone out of my pocket and laid down on my bed, but I'm sure you've probably already guessed that I didn't actually open up my audiobook app to play anything. As rude as it is to eavesdrop, I'm not even going to pretend I wasn't intending to do it. I totally was, because I wanted to see if Yuri would admit to his mother why he didn't want Fox here any more.
I eased one earbud out of my ear far enough so that it wasn't blocking sound but so it still looked like I was using it. Sneaky? Yes, but it was effective. I discovered that if I lay with my head facing the open door and didn't move around too much, I could hear most of what Yuri and his mother were saying.
They started with small talk, and I wondered if maybe she wasn't going to bring up the subject after all. But then she must've seen her opportunity when he asked her if she was planning to stay with us for the rest of the day and overnight.
I should explain, she and Mr. Okamoto have been taking turns spending the night with us since Mom and Julian and Uncle Kaz left, and they don't usually come until seven or eight in the evening. Fox would usually leave around five o'clock so he'd have time to help make dinner at home, which meant he rarely crossed paths with Yuri's parents.
"No," Mrs. Okamoto said, in response to Yuri's question. "I need to collect Yuki from school and drop her off at your grandmother's house, and then I've got to go back to the school for a parent-teacher conference. Your father's in Kyoto with Hana for a medical appointment today, but he'll be coming to stay with you when he gets back."
That was news. I didn't realize Hana was on speaking terms with her father, much less that she'd want him to accompany her to a doctor's appointment. Then again, Hana's getting really close to her due date, and maybe he insisted on going with her because he didn't want her driving. Whatever it was, I filed that bit of information away in my brain on the chance that it became relevant later.
"Oh. I was hoping it'd be you," Yuri was saying. "I wanted you to help me wash my hair. Papa always makes such a mess. He's not very good at cleaning up, and I don't want Victor to have to mop the floor. That's still too hard for him."
"I would've thought washing your hair was something your friend Fox could help you with," Mrs. Okamoto said, and the words rolled off her tongue as innocently as if she knew nothing whatsoever about Fox's sudden departure. "I'm surprised he's not here today."
"He's not coming back," Yuri said. "And he's not my friend."
"Oh?" Mrs. Okamoto contrived to sound suitably curious. "Why isn't he coming back?"
"Because Victor told him I didn't want him to."
That was a twist I hadn't seen coming. It was Fox's decision not to come back, and although It was fairly clear Yuri hadn't wanted him here and was glad to be rid of him, I hadn't expected him to tell his mother I’d said or done anything to facilitate it. He sounded so proud of it too, like he was boasting about how I'd saved him from some horrible fate. Not that I wouldn't have protected him if there really had been any risk, but that's not how it happened at all.
The way Yuri was recounting it to his mother was such a gross misrepresentation of the situation that it was all I could do to make myself stay in place and not run across the hall to interrupt. But then I remembered I'd already mentioned to Mrs. Okamoto that Fox hadn't been comfortable staying. She's a smart lady, and I admonished myself that I should trust her. She'd draw the correct inferences.
She didn't disappoint me. “Yuri, are you certain it was Victor who told him?”
“I wasn’t there when they talked," Yuri replied.
"So, you don't know that Victor asked him to leave."
"Yes I do, because Victor always makes sure I'm safe."
"I see," Mrs. Okamoto said. "So, am I to assume you were unsafe with that young man here?"
"Yes," he said.
"Did he physically hurt you, or touch you inappropriately?" she asked. "Was he unkind to you?"
There was a long silence, and it was killing me that I couldn’t see what was going on over there. Unless there was something Yuri hadn't revealed to me, the answer I was expecting to hear was 'no'.
After a minute, I caught a weak and tearful-sounding, "No, but..."
"But what?" Mrs. Okamoto prompted.
"He made me feel so awful," Yuri said. He sniffled loudly enough for me to hear it from my room, and I imagined him scrubbing tears away from his eyes with the heels of his palms, just like a toddler would do. Sometimes I find it cute when he does that, but in these circumstances? Not cute at all. "He said I need to try harder, and he wouldn't listen to me when I said I couldn't do things, and... and he was treating me like a child."
"Were you behaving like a child?"
"I don't do that."
"No stubbornness, then? No pouting or temper outbursts?"
"I don't—"
Mrs. Okamoto's next words weren't spoken in a mean way, but there was also no mistaking that she wasn't impressed with her son's attitude. "A little self-awareness wouldn't go amiss here, I think."
"Excuse me? Are you... are you implying I'm immature?" I could already hear the outrage starting to build in Yuri's voice, even though his tears. "You don't even—"
"Yuri," his mother cut him off. In the two simple syllables of his name, her tone conveyed everything; she wanted the truth and she was not having any of his nonsense today. I could easily picture her wielding that same authority in a business meeting when somebody was about to go off on a baseless rant about something. "Mature people don't throw tantrums or manipulate others as a means to an end. They communicate their needs and concerns clearly and honestly. Do you think you can do that?"
"So, you're going to treat me like a child too?"
"If you insist on behaving in that manner, yes," she said mildly. "You know what Papa says. People tend to address others according to the level of maturity they display."
Yuri made a sound of frustration. "If you aren't going to at least try to have some empathy, can you please leave? I don't need any more stress. Is that clear and honest enough?"
There was another pause, and then Mrs. Okamoto said, "I love you. From the moment I found out I was having you, I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything else, and every time I think about you hurting in any way, it hurts me as well. But, I'm your mother. My purpose isn't only to love you. It's also to teach you."
"Teach me what? That I'm dishonest and immature and not self-aware enough?" "
"Yuri—"
"You might as well just say it. Is you goal to teach me I'm a terrible son and a useless failure as an adult? Then congratulations, I suppose, because you've absolutely done that."
"Okamoto Yuri, I did not come here to be disrespected by you," Mrs. Okamoto said, and no joke, I felt a little scared despite the fact that she wasn't talking to me and that I couldn't even see her.
Like, you know you've crossed a line when your mom starts using your whole name. Usually, my mom would be screaming it, often loud enough to be heard at Leo's house, four doors down the street from ours. Victor Thomas Edward Nelson, if you don't get your butt back here in five minutes, you're in big trouble!
It was the same with Aunt Millie. Leo said he knew he was gonna be toast when his mom started busting out "Leonardo Stephen DeLuca!" with enough volume to be heard from my backyard. We used to tell Ellie she didn't know how good she had it. None of us has ever heard Julian raise his voice for anything, let alone to shout Ellie's full name over half of Willow Creek.
But as much as I dislike it when my mom yells, I think if I had to pick, I'd rather have the yelling than the calm, firm voice Mrs. Okamoto was using on Yuri. It was like steel wrapped in velvet, and I'm pretty sure me and Leo would've been terrified if Mom or Aunt Millie had spoken to us like that when we were in trouble.
I half expected Yuri to apologize immediately. It's what I would've done. I probably would've been on the floor, bowing to her and addressing her as Okamoto-sama, and begging her to forgive me. We've been getting to know each other lately, and I feel like we’ve been warming to each other a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm not still afraid of her.
Yuri, apparently, did not share my sentiment.
I could tell he was still crying, but that didn't stop him from sounding as if he believed he had the stronger position. "Interesting, because I wouldn't have thought you'd come here to disrespect me in my own house."
I physically cringed at that, not just because Mrs. Okamoto's reaction was likely to be unpleasant, but also because I had no problem imagining a response with the exact same delivery coming out of Mr. Okamoto's mouth. For all Yuri's insistence that he's nothing like his dad, he kinda is, which maybe proves the theory of nature over nurture.
Part of me wanted to stop listening at that point, and I almost turned on my audiobook for real, but another part of me was drawn to the drama across the hallway.
"If you think honesty is disrespect," Mrs. Okamoto said, "then I'm afraid you've still got some things to learn."
"There's a difference between being honest and being hurtful."
"Yes, there is," she agreed. "The difference is in how you react. If someone else's honesty hurts you, then you ought to ask yourself why that is. If the truth hurts, it's usually because we don't want to admit something about ourselves."
"I don't want to have this conversation," Yuri said.
"Well, I certainly can't force you to," said his mother. "But, if you don't want to talk to me, perhaps you can discuss it with your father instead. He had to learn that lesson too, and it took nearly losing the people he loves most before he accepted it. Maybe his perspective would be more convincing."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is that I might've stayed in America with your uncle if it hadn't been for Victor's accident."
He sounded incredulous. "You came back for Victor?"
"I came back for you," she said. "Because I thought you might need me. But, what I'm saying is that when I left last autumn, I had absolutely no intention of returning. Or at least not until your father came to his senses."
"Came to his senses about what, exactly?"
"Came to his senses and realized that he was harming himself and everyone around him," she said. "He was trying to build a wall around himself because he seemed to think it was a way of protecting everyone, but he was still getting hurt and all he really accomplished was to push everyone else away."
"What's that got to do with me?" Yuri said.
"It has everything to do with you."
"How?" Yuri asked.
"Papa was scared and angry and frustrated about things in his life, but instead of talking about it, he was behaving like a child and taking it out on the people he should've trusted to help him get through it," she answered. "He was upset because he felt isolated, as if no one cared about him, but the way he was dealing with it was isolating him even more." Her voice was quieter as she added, "Does that sound familiar?"
There was an even longer silence than the previous ones, and then I thought I heard Yuri say, "I'm sorry."
The next thing I knew, he was pouring out the whole thing to his mother, telling her stuff that he’d never said anything to me about. Although I probably could've inferred some of it, other parts of it were a revelation, and not necessarily in a good way.
He told her how he hadn't really wanted Fox to come here, but he agreed to it for my sake because he knew I was worried about not being able to take care of him myself and because I thought it was an acceptable alternative to the home healthcare program. He endured it as long as he could, he said, and he'd tried not to complain too much because he didn't want to seem ungrateful. But he'd been struggling because Fox was encouraging him to do more and more things for himself and didn't seem to understand when he explained why he couldn't do them.
"I cried every day," he said pitifully. "I didn't want Victor to know, because he doesn't like to see me crying and I didn't want to upset him.”
"You didn’t think he’d want to know you were unhappy?” Mrs. Okamoto asked.
“It wasn’t just being unhappy,” Yuri said. “It’s a lot more than that. It’s… everything. My whole existence. It’s just… all pain, all the time, and sometimes adding one more thing is too much. But, how was I supposed to tell Victor that?”
“You’ve told me,” she said.
“You don’t look at me the way Victor does.” The words came out low and strained, as if he was trying to suppress a sob. “He… he wants to fix it, but he can’t, and he gets this helpless look. It breaks my heart, Mama. I hate being responsible for that.”
“You aren���t responsible for Victor’s feelings,” Mrs. Okamoto said. “It may seem that way, but he’s the only one in control of how he responds. Perhaps I don’t look at you the way he does because I’ve learned to accept your illness and everything that comes along with it."
"Victor knows all about it too."
"Knowing and accepting are different," she said.
I had to think about that for a minute. Did she have a point? Do I really not accept Yuri's illness?
Yes, I do know practically every unpleasant detail of it, and I know how to take care of him. I recognize that he'll always be chronically ill, and that there'll be times when he's well and times when he's really sick. But, is that really acceptance?
Maybe it isn't.
Knowing all the facts is one thing, but being okay with them is another, and I can't say I'm not resentful and angry about Yuri being ill. You have to understand, though, I'm not directing any of that toward Yuri. He can't help being the way he is. It's more like I'm resentful toward the powers of fate or whatever for causing him to suffer this much, and I'm angry because I can't do anything to change it. It's not fair, and it hurts so damn much that I can't even find words to describe how agonizing it is. Just as Yuri said, I want to fix it, but I can't, and that makes me feel defeated, powerless and so overwhelmingly sad that it's as if my heart is being crushed.
I guess it's kinda like what I went through after losing my dad and sister. I experienced all the emotions; denial, sadness, rage, guilt. I did everything I could to find a place in my mind for my grief, to make sense of something utterly senseless.
With Dad and Caroline, I was stuck on sadness for the longest time. Years, in fact, and it's only been since this past summer that I've finally come to terms with it, learning that I can coexist with it without it taking control over the trajectory of my life. It's okay to still feel lost or sad or angry sometimes, but I also understand that wishing for the events of the past to be different is futile and only causes me more pain in the end.
I'm not there yet when it comes to Yuri's illness, and I'm not sure what to do to get there. All I know is, I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem, but I definitely can't do it on my own. So, I guess the best course of action would be to talk to my therapist about it, right? We've already discussed my challenges as a caregiver, so this likely won't be unexpected for him, and maybe he'll have some good insights to help me move forward.
It's weird, me wanting to involve my therapist. It's super weird to me that I even have a therapist, 'cause that would've been so far off my proverbial radar in the past, I probably would've laughed at anyone who suggested it. But now, I like to call it the silver lining that came out of my accident. If it hadn't been for that, I still wouldn't be seeing him, and maybe I wouldn't be making as much progress on self-improvement.
I realized I'd missed part of the conversation between Yuri and his mom when the sound of him sobbing pulled me out of my musings and back to reality. Evidently, Yuri was determined to say whatever was on his mind regardless of his emotional state, because he was getting choppy bits of sentences out between gasps for breath.
He was crying so hard that I could barely make out what he was saying, and the first thing I was able to catch was, "I hate eating. You know I hate it!"
"You need to eat, Yuri," his mother said gently.
"I know, but I don't want to."
"Why don't you want to?"
"Because it's too difficult," he said. "Fox kept making me do it by myself, but it made me feel worse, and he talked down to me as if I were a little child and I was acting out and being difficult on purpose. But... I really can't do it. I tried so hard to endure it, but I couldn't any more, and I just... I want... I want it to be... be over."
His words got almost completely lost in tears after that, but I thought I heard something about wanting to sleep forever, and about respecting his wishes, and about his whole life feeling out of control.
His mother let him cry for a bit, and then she said, "Did you tell any of this to Victor?"
"N-not really."
"Then, how did you expect him to help you or to respect your wishes?" she asked. "He loves you unconditionally and he's a wonderful caregiver, but he can't read your mind. Neither can I, nor your father, nor anyone else."
"I... I know. But..."
"You need to let us know how you feel and what you need."
"I'm tired of being weak," he said. "I'm tired of being a failure and a disappointment and... and a burden to everyone. Maybe it'd be better if I wasn't even here, because then I wouldn't be hurting everyone I love."
"Darling, look at me," Mrs. Okamoto said, and I envisioned her sitting down on the bed and cradling the side of his face in her hand. "No one would be better of without you. We love you, and we want you to be here. Do you understand?"
"You don't understand. I... I'd be better off," he said. "Mama, please... I've suffered long enough, and it's not fair that everyone else has to suffer because of me."
"We can get help for you,"she said.
"I don't want any more help. I'm trying to tell you, that's the problem. Everyone always has to do everything for me, and I don't want that. I'd rather live an independent life, or... not at all."
"Being ill and needing help are things that are entirely beyond your control," she told him. "You're not disappointing anyone, and you aren't burdening us by asking for help. What hurts us is watching you pretend things aren't as bad as they are and seeing you try to fight all alone, and finally reaching a breaking point like this."
"But, don't you want me to be independent?"
"I think you misunderstand what independence is," she said. "It has very little to do with how much you rely on others and everything to do with how you handle your responsibilities. If you can't do something on your own, the responsible thing to do is to ask someone to help you. Your independence is in your ability to make your own choices and to do what you need to do to reach your goals."
"I don't have any goals," he said. "They seem kind of pointless."
"Do they?"
"They do when I know I'll never achieve them anyway."
"What do you think you can't achieve?"
"What can I achieve when I'm like this?" he countered.
"Tell me something," Mrs. Okamoto said. "If you could make one wish come true right now, what would it be? Anything at all."
I was surprised at his answer. "Papa asked me that too. I told him I'd like to go to Sulani with Victor."
Mrs. Okamoto didn't seem surprised at all. "Could that be a goal?"
"No," Yuri said. "We're never going to be able to do it."
"Why not?" Mrs. Okamoto asked."
"Because we spent all our money on the down payment for Victor's haunted house, and once we get there, we'll be spending more money on furniture and a car and his university tuition and who knows what else."
"What if money were no object?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I know you told Papa you wanted to go to Sulani," she said.
"He told you that?"
"Yes," she confirmed. "We discussed it, and we also talked about it with your grandparents. You didn't have a honeymoon, and none of us gave you a wedding gift, so we decided that we'd like to pay for your trip, if you really want to go."
"What?" Yuri blurted.
That was more or less my reaction, too. I literally had to put my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from making any noise. I was shocked by the proposition. I'd like nothing more than to go back to Sulani and to take Yuri with me, but like him, I was resigned to the idea that it'd be a very long time before we'd get the chance, due not just to our finances but to his health and everything else going on in our lives.
"We were going to wait until you were feeling better, and Papa and I were planning to tell you and Victor together," Mrs. Okamoto said. "But I think this is the right time."
"Why do you think this is the right time? How is it right?" he demanded and, far from sounding pleased, he still seemed angry. "I can barely leave my bed, never mind leaving the country. I don't know if I'll even be well enough for our move. How can I think about going on a vacation?"
"I don't mean now is the right time to go," she clarified. "I mean, this is the right time to tell you. Clearly, you aren't ready yet, but perhaps you'll find some motivation to set some goals if you have something to look forward to."
"Such as?"
"You tell me," she said. "If you can't think about going on a vacation, then think about your move. What would you need to do to be ready for that?"
"Besides packing, and starting my immigration paperwork, and spending even more money on our flight?" he said. "Get better."
"And what would that look like?"
"You expect me to say eating on my own, don't you?"
"No," she said. "I don't. I expect you to tell me what your definition of getting better is."
"Being able to get up and do things for myself," he said. "Not being a drain on everyone around me and not putting all the responsibility for everything on Victor's shoulders. Not being constantly tired and stressed, and I don't know... Actually feeling there's some reason to be alive."
"What's causing you the most stress?"
"Eating," he replied, likely to the astonishment of no one.
"Is there anything that would make it less stressful?" she asked, and then added, "Something other than someone feeding you."
"Dr. Kasongo suggested tube feeding," he said. "Victor thinks I don't know he was talking to her about it. I think they were trying to keep it from me until the doctor felt like it was absolutely necessary, because they were worried I'd be upset. But, I... I might actually want that. Do you... do you think it's awful for me to want it?"
"If you'd like my personal opinion," she said, "I think that's a bit extreme. There may be something less drastic you can do before resorting to that. if you want to know whether or not it would be a good solution for you, though, I think you should speak to your doctor about it yourself."
"I don't know if I can," Yuri said.
"Of course you can," she said. "I'll come with you, if you like."
"Really? What about Victor?"
"If you'd rather have him with you, then certainly, he should come."
"No. I want you to come," Yuri said. "But—"
"You have to tall him," Mrs. Okamoto said firmly. "No more keeping things from him, all right? I think you know, marriages can't survive too many secrets, even if you believe you're keeping them for the right reasons."
"Even if I want to protect him?"
"Remember what I told you," she said. "You're not protecting him by hiding things from him. I'll come with you to talk to the doctor, but I need you to promise not to keep anything from Victor from now on. Not about this or about anything else that's upsetting you."
"Okay," he said meekly.
"And if you're worried about him keeping things from you, I'll be addressing that with him as well."
That was the moment when I stopped listening. My mind was already spinning from everything I'd overheard, both positive and negative. The prospect of getting lectured by my mother-in-law was one thing too many for my brain to process. I finally opened my audiobook and started listening just to distract myself from panicking.
Up to then, I thought Yuri and I were doing okay with our communication. Yeah, we have our problems, but I believed we were pretty much open with each other. It was jarring to view it from somebody else's perspective and to see we may have been hiding a lot more than either of us realized.
Something else to work on, I thought.
It's okay, though. We're all works in progress, so there'll always be something to do, and I'd rather know what I need to fix and do my best to make changes than to just blithely go about my business and never understand that I could be hurting someone. Like, ignorance may be bliss for the ignorant person, but not for the people around him.
Change is hard, but I think that thing about pruning the roses applies to ourselves as well as our loved ones. If I want to bloom, I may have to cut back a few of my own branches too.
#writing#victor nelson#yuri okamoto#victor and yuri#victorsworldadventures#tw chronic illness#tw suicide mention#stargazersims
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Epilogue (Journal Entry #62)
Postscript (Journal Entry #61) // STORY INDEX
Victor
I have everything I've ever wanted.
Not many people can say that, and I feel exceptionally privileged to be among the lucky few.
I know we said we weren't going to use our journal any more, but earlier tonight as I was packing up for our flight home, I was struck by the feeling that I needed to record one last entry. To be honest, I haven't even thought about our journal in over six months, not since our anniversary trip to Sulani, but I remembered something Yuri said to me during our visit to the islands and I kinda wanted to share my feelings.
He asked me if I'd ever felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life. At the time, I’d said no. I told him I wasn't there yet because there were still things I wanted.
The funny part is, I just realized today that I'd misunderstood the question. I thought he'd been talking about tangible, definable things like good health, a nice home, a job, or the support of family. And yeah, maybe that was part of it, but what I think he really meant was something less easy to measure; confidence, self-worth, happiness, and the knowledge that we really do have an impact on the world and the people around us.
I should have said yes. Sitting there on the balcony of our Sulani rental cottage, gazing at the sea with my brave, beautiful, intelligent husband by my side, I could easily have said I had it all. I was happy, secure and loved, and everything seemed perfect. But, unfortunately, I hadn’t viewed the question that way because my mind had been on all the things I still wanted to accomplish, such as going to university, finding a new job, and of course getting back to competing in my sport.
Now I have all those things too, and more besides. If you've got a minute to stay and listen, I'll tell you all about it.
Maybe I should've mentioned from the start that we're currently in Switzerland, 'cause it probably isn't obvious from the inside of this hotel room. Like, it's an upscale hotel, but it's pretty generic as far as hotels go and I don't think there's anything particularly Swiss about it.
We've been here for the past week, for the FIS World Snowboarding Championship, and let me just say, it's been an absolute whirlwind of travel, activity and excitement. Tonight's been the first opportunity I've had to stop and process it all, and I think I'm going to need a while for some of it to fully sink in.
As you guys already know, last season ended catastrophically for me, but it wasn't as epic a disaster as I initially imagined. I was doing really well up until my accident, with top-three finishes in a handful of qualifying competitions. As it turned out, my wins from last season plus my wins from this current season were enough to qualify me for two events at Worlds this year, super-G and my best event, parallel giant slalom. I may have mentioned it before, but the world championship competition for snowboarding is held every second year, so if you’re confused about why last year’s points counted, that’s why.
I was thrilled about qualifying, needless to tell you, and so was Davey, my coach. I've qualified for Worlds twice before, but didn't do as well as I'd hoped on either attempt. This time, I was confident going into it, and I was ready physically as well as psychologically.
That's not to say I wasn't nervous. I think a person would have to be crazy not to be at least a little nervous about hurtling down the side of a mountain at seventy-five kilometres per hour with nothing but a helmet, wrist guards, and the grace of the Watcher to protect them. But, alpine snowboarding isn't a sport for people who don't know how to conquer their fear. Out there on the mountain, fear could literally kill you. Any kind of distraction could, and every time I think about my crash last January I'm reminded of that, and of how lucky I am to be back on my board and still able to compete at this level.
Anyway, seven days ago me and Yuri boarded a plane for Switzerland along with Davey, his partner Lindsey, and their sign language interpreter Kayley. Having travelled with Davey before, I knew what to expect, but I think it was jarring for Yuri. Davey and Lindsey are both super loud, and it's not entirely because they're deaf and can't hear themselves properly. They're just... extreme. Like, they bring the party with them wherever they go and it’s never a quiet affair.
By the time we reached our destination, all Yuri wanted to do was hide in our hotel room. He said he'd had enough of interacting with other people, and told me that he wouldn't mind if I wanted to go hang out with some of the other athletes on my own. I decided to stay with him because my first event was on the following afternoon, and I like to get lots of rest the day before I compete. As much as I enjoy a good social gathering, I didn't want to break my ritual. Athletes can be superstitious, and it'd be silly to try convincing you I'm an exception.
So, you're wondering how I did in that first event, right? I came in third, which earned me a bronze medal. That was the highest I'd ever placed at any event at Worlds, and even if I didn't win anything else, I would've been totally satisfied with that.
But, there was still my second event. In the middle of the week, I made it through the elimination races, and the final for the men's parallel giant slalom was yesterday morning.
I woke up early, too excited and full of adrenaline to sleep as much as I should have. I slipped out of bed and headed for the shower, trying not to wake Yuri as I went. My efforts were in vain, however. I was only in the bathroom for about ten minutes, and when I exited it, I saw a very sleepy-looking Yuri sitting up in bed and talking on the phone to somebody. The second thing I noticed was that he had my phone.
"Yes, I want to tell him, but I'm not sure that's a good idea right before his event," Yuri was saying. He was speaking English. "Maybe we can call you after—"
"Who are you talking to?" I asked.
Yuri looked up, clearly startled. "Oh! Victor, I didn't hear you coming out. It... it's your mother. I'm sorry. I saw the caller ID, and I decided I'd better answer it."
"It's okay," I said. "Can you put it on speaker?"
He lowered the phone from his face and touched the speaker button as I flopped onto the bed next to him. "You're on speaker now, Dr. Grace," he said. "Victor's right here."
"Hi Mom," I said. "What's up? Everything okay? It's like, the literal middle of the night where you are, isn't it?"
"Yes," Mom said. "I think you're five hours ahead of us."
I glanced at the time display on the top of my phone screen. "Mom! It's one-thirty in the morning over there! Why aren't you in bed?"
My mother laughed. "Excuse me, sir. Which one of us is the parent in this relationship?"
"Sorry," I said, but I was relieved she sounded so upbeat. I told myself that her reason for phoning couldn't be anything too bad, or she wouldn't be joking with me. "Seriously, what's up?"
"I checked your mailbox after work today. You got a letter from the university."
"Really? What does it say?"
"I wasn't about to open your mail, was I?" she said. "But, I knew you'd want to know straight away."
"And you waited until it was morning here, so you could tell me as soon as possible?" I met Yuri's gaze. "And you didn't want her to tell me before my event."
"I didn't want you to get distracted," he said. "I thought it'd be better to wait until later."
"I guess I can't get mad about that," I conceded. "I mean, it makes sense, and I'm glad you were looking out for me, but now I'm going to be distracted if I don't know what it says."
"What if it's not good news?" Yuri asked.
"Either way," I said.
"I have the letter," Mom said. "Do you want me to open it and read it to you?"
"Yes, please."
We could hear her opening the envelope. Yuri reached for my hand.
The university's application deadline for the nursing program had been the first of November, and I'd gotten everything submitted on time. According to the admissions website, applications would have one of three decision statuses — rejected, accepted or waitlisted — and decision letters would start going out around the end of March or beginning of April.
Now, here we were at the very end of March, and we'd arrived at the proverbial moment of truth.
"Okay," Mom said. "Are you ready?"
I nodded, mostly because I was too worked up to speak, and Yuri said, "He's ready."
"Dear Mr. Okamoto-Nelson," my mom read. "After a careful review of your application, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the Bachelor of Nursing program. We will be pleased to welcome you as a new student in the fall semester."
There was more, but I didn't take in anything after the first couple sentences. Yuri flung himself into my arms with a little cry of joy, and we nearly rolled off the bed in our excitement. Poor Mom was trying to explain something about registration fees and student health insurance, but we weren't paying attention.
When we finally composed ourselves, I apologized and asked Mom to keep the letter for me until we got home. I knew there would be things to do and deadlines to have them done by, but at that moment, the competition was priority one. I couldn't lose sight of why I was here in the mountains of Switzerland. As overjoyed as I was about the news that I'd gotten accepted into nursing school, I couldn't let it take my focus away from what I was doing today, not so much because I wanted to win, but because of what I said before. Distractions can be deadly.
"I'll let you go for now," Mom said. "You can call me later and let me know how the competition went."
"We'll definitely call you," I said.
"I'll be looking forward to it. Good luck, and be safe."
I thanked her, and then we said goodbye and hung up. It took me a while to calm down after that, and Yuri had to help me do some concentration exercises.
Once I sorted myself out and we were both dressed and ready, we met Davey, Lindsey and Kayley for breakfast. After that, Yuri and I went back to our room to collect Elsa and the rest of my gear, and then we all headed to the venue.
When we got there, I tried not to look around too much, but it was hard to ignore the huge crowd that had already gathered to watch the competition. We hadn't even started yet, and people were already cheering, using noisemakers, and waving flags of various countries. I think the flags were mostly Swiss, but I spotted lots of others. There were even a few Canadian red maple leaves among them.
It was obvious that even with the help of his hearing aids, Davey was struggling to hear amid the ambient noise from so many people. I was the one competing, but he looked extraordinarily stressed. I was sure it was the confusing jumble of sounds that was upsetting him more than thoughts of the competition though, and I couldn't help wondering how he coped with it when he was still a competitor himself.
I soon found out. Lindsey poked him to get his attention, and then signed something to him. He grinned at her before deftly tugging his hearing aids out and putting them in the front pocket of his coat.
He gave us the thumbs-up, and then practically yelled, "Yes! Sweet silence!"
I lost it.
Laughter did the trick. I instantly felt more relaxed, and although I knew Davey hadn't been trying to be funny on purpose, I still offered him one of the few ASL signs I know. "Thank you."
He signed something to Kayley, and she told me, "He says you're welcome, and also he's going to leave his hearing aids in his pocket. I'll come up to the top of the run to help you." She paused while Davey signed something else. "Because he wants to give you the best damn pep talk ever."
"Sounds good," I said, and when Kayley interpreted that for Davey, it was his turn to laugh.
"Okay, my dude, let's get up there!" he said loudly. "You're gonna crush it!"
"Here's hoping," I said.
I turned to Yuri, and just like at every competition he attends with me, he put my helmet on me. He stood on tiptoe to give me a kiss, and then while our heads were still close together, he whispered. "I love you."
My heart was full with that simple phrase all the way up the mountain, but at the top of the run, it was a different story. I don't know if you've ever heard athletes or performers talk about being in the zone, but it's like this intense state of hyper-focus where nothing exists except the task in front of you. I don't experience it every single time I compete, but most of the time I do, and this morning I was totally in the zone.
I was in the middle of the start order, and there were about eight riders ahead of me. When it was my turn, there was nothing in my mind except the mountain and the snow and the course of red and blue flags stretching out in front of me. I was aware of every muscle in my body and every breath and each beat of my heart. I snapped my boots into Elsa's bindings, and waited for the starting buzzer.
I barely remember the run itself. All I know is, it was fast. Elsa and I were flying, and it felt glorious.
I didn't even realize I'd won until Davey found me later at the bottom of the run. He was screaming in my face about a record-breaking time, and I honestly wasn't sure if he was talking about me or somebody else.
In fact, the reality of my victory didn't truly hit me until the event was over, and Davey was dragging me towards the area where the medal presentation was taking place. They presented the bronze medal to a Swiss rider, and the hometown crowd cheered their hearts out for him, so much so that we could barely hear the recorded national anthem playing as the FIS official placed the medal around his neck. A Norwegian guy won silver, and he got a pretty healthy cheer from the supporters too.
Then, over the slightly crackly public address system, I heard. "And now, the presentation of the gold medal. Please congratulate your FIS World Champion in men's parallel giant slalom. Representing Canada... Victor Okamoto-Nelson!"
For a second or two, I didn't move. Davey nudged my shoulder and urged me forward with a not-so-subtle, "Dude, go!"
I was simultaneously crying and smiling when the official put the medal around my neck. As O Canada played on the speakers, I searched the crowd for Yuri. He was right there in front with Lindsey beside him, and they were holding up a huge Canadian flag between them. I have no idea where they’d gotten it from, but the sight of it and Yuri's brilliant smile ensured that the happy tears didn't stop running down my face until well after the anthem finished playing.
The only way I can describe it is: Best. Day. Ever.
As I was putting my stuff in my suitcase this evening, I kept glancing over at my medals on the nightstand. They were going in mine and Yuri's shared carry-on bag, and I wanted them to be the last things I packed. Not gonna lie, I was tempted to leave them there on the bedside table until morning so I could see them when I woke up, but I ultimately decided not to do that. There'd be plenty of time to admire them when we got home.
After I finished packing, I picked Elsa up from the floor and placed her on the bed. Yuri never used to like it when I put my snowboard on the furniture, especially the bed, but he seemed to change his mind about it after my accident last year. I lay down next to my board and rested my hand on her. Her smooth surface was cool against my palm, and her bright blue and yellow paint job stood out in contrast against the muted beige of the hotel bed's duvet.
"We did it, Elsa," I said aloud. "Sometimes dreams really do come true."
That's how Yuri found me several minutes later when he'd finished enjoying his bath, lying curled on my side and idly stroking my snowboard. I must've looked ridiculous, but he didn't say anything about it. He just climbed onto the enormous bed with me. Wrapped in one of the hotel's luxurious bathrobes and smelling of chocolate from the fancy hotel shampoo, his presence was warm and sweet.
He cuddled against my back and slid an arm over me, trying to be the big spoon despite his tiny size. His voice was soft, "Are you all right?"
"Yeah," I said. "Just thinking."
"Anything you want to share?"
"I'm going to nursing school."
"You are," he agreed.
"I won a gold medal. A World Championship gold medal."
"You did," he acknowledged. "And a bronze one."
"Yeah." I closed my eyes and let myself soak in the comforting feeling of his little body pressed close to mine. "You know what's weird?"
"What?" he said.
"I'm happy about it and I'm proud of myself, but like... I don't know if it's the medals that're important, or something else."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"You wanted to know what I was thinking about," I said. "I was thinking about Sulani, and how you asked me if I ever had the feeling of having everything I ever wanted."
"I remember."
"I said I didn't, but I think I missed the point of what you were asking."
"Oh?"
"You weren't talking about things, were you? Like going on a trip or getting accepted at university or winning a medal."
"No, I suppose I wasn't," he said. "It was more abstract than that."
"I get it now," I said. "It's not about doing stuff or getting something. It really is more abstract than that. It's like, being satisfied with where you are and with what you've accomplished so far, and just... being content with your life and the way the people around you make you feel."
"Yes," he said. "That's what I meant. I felt that in Sulani. I feel it right this minute."
"Me too," I said. "I felt that way in Sulani too. I'm sorry I didn't understand."
"It's all right," he said. "I'm glad you understand now."
I do get it now, and maybe it's gonna sound strange to say that it took me winning the most important competition of my athletic career to figure it out, but there it is. I'm thrilled about the medals and I can't wait to show them off, but they're not what I value the most. My biggest source of pride is in the fact that I battled my way back from one of the lowest points in my existence to make it to this place. Last January, I thought life as I'd known it was over. For a while, I lost sight of everything; my goals, my hopes and dreams, and even my will to go on. Yet here I am today, a world champion.
A world champion.
And I couldn't have done it without Yuri or my mom and Julian. I couldn't have done it without Sakura, Davey, and all the other friends and family members who love and support me and who never gave up on me. I'm a champion thanks to them, but more importantly I'm happy and I know that I'm valued, safe and loved.
So yeah... I have it all, and I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
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Postscript (Journal Entry #61)
Journal Entry #60 // STORY INDEX
Yuri
Hello everyone! Guess where we are!
If you guessed Sulani, then you'd be correct. I suppose the golden sand and gorgeous blue ocean behind me were a giveaway, weren't they? I couldn't resist recording my final entry out here on the deck of our rented beach house. It seems fitting somehow to end our journal in the place that inspired the creation of it; beautiful, magical Sulani.
Victor and I talked about whether or not we wanted to continue documenting our lives once we relocated to Willow Creek, and we agreed that it's time to close the curtain on this particular show. Our journal has served us well. It’s allowed us to work through some very difficult thoughts and feelings, and I believe it's helped us grow, or at least helped us to mark our growth. But, we both feel we've moved beyond it now. We want to focus on new and different things.
Still, I had to make one last video, just to tell you about my big reward. Yes, our adventure in this tropical paradise is indeed the thing I hinted about in my previous entry.
Of course you know we were planning to travel here anyway, but Victor came up with the plan that we should go as soon as we could after I completed my sixty consecutive days of being formula-free. He pitched the idea to my parents, who are paying for the trip, and they thought it was brilliant. I successfully made it to my sixtieth day on October first, and we left Willow Creek on the fourth.
The timing turned out to be excellent, as our first wedding anniversary was yesterday, the eighth of October. I couldn't have asked for a more fitting way to celebrate it.
Yesterday morning, Victor woke me up early so we could watch the sunrise together. Then, we packed a picnic breakfast and walked along the beach until we found the perfect spot to enjoy it.
Later in the morning, we went on an ocean sightseeing tour. I'd never been in a boat bigger than a dinghy or canoe before, and I'd never been out on the ocean. At first I was nervous, but it didn't take me long to relax, and I discovered that I quite like boats.
Our tour guide said that we might see merpeople. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but Victor seemed convinced. He still swears he met a real merman when he was here last time.
I probably don't need to tell you that we didn't actually see merpeople, but that didn't diminish the tour in any way. In one place, we sailed past an inactive volcano, and in another place the water was so clear that we were able to look over the side of the boat and see a coral garden and dozens of brightly-coloured fish. We saw dolphins too, and they didn't seem afraid of humans. They swam right up to the boat, nearly close enough to touch.
I'll admit I kind of fell in love with them. Last night, Victor got online and found a place where people can swim with dolphins. We're going there tomorrow afternoon, and I can hardly wait.
After our boat tour, we explored some of the little souvenir stands and food stalls along the waterfront in town, where we bought postcards, snacks, and matching t-shirts. Then we boarded a decrepit old bus that took us to our afternoon excursion to a community garden where we could pick fruit.
That was one of the activities I'd really been looking forward to, and I was absolutely delighted that we were able to harvest our own pineapples as well as some other tropical delicacies. Pineapple was the thing I'd most wanted to try, and I wanted my first taste of it to be freshly picked.
If you've never handled a pineapple before, here's a bit of advice. Don't hug them, even if you're excited. They're very thorny.
I let Victor have the honour of cutting up our pineapple when we got back to our rental. He joked that it was a lot like me, prickly and difficult to hug, but bright and sweet on the inside. As much as I wanted to deny it, I couldn't say he was wrong. I'm wary of strangers, and being hugged really isn't my thing unless Victor is the one who's hugging me. When we’d first started living together, I didn't even like letting him do it, but eventually he worked his way past the thorns and got down to the sweet part.
The inside of the pineapple was vibrant yellow, and the aroma coming from it was divine. Once Victor was done cutting it, he put all the pieces in a big blue plastic bowl we found in one of the cabinets, and carried it outside to the deck. I followed him, my mouth watering in anticipation.
I was momentarily startled when I realized the mere thought of eating the tropical fruit we'd picked was making me salivate. It was an utterly foreign sensation, but not unwelcome. Something like that had never happened to me before, and I wondered briefly how I'd managed to live for twenty-six years and never experience firsthand what 'mouth-watering' really meant. Slightly embarrassed, I swallowed several times.
Victor gave me a quizzical look. "You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," I said, as I sat across from him at the small patio table. The bowl of pineapple was between us, and I gave it a small nod. "I just... really want to eat that and I was, ah... I was literally drooling over it a little."
Victor laughed. "Is this gonna be like that first strawberry after you got your G-tube?"
"It's going to be better," I said.
"Well then, let's see." He picked up a spear of pineapple and extended his arm toward me. "Here, I'll hold it for you."
"No." I shook my head. "I want to do it myself."
"Okay." Victor pulled his hand back, still grasping the fruit he'd taken from the bowl, but he didn't bite into it. Clearly, he was waiting for me to go first. He smiled encouragingly. "You got this."
I selected a piece that I judged to be as big as the one Victor had chosen. The fruit was sticky with juice and pleasantly warm from the sun shining on it, and if I'd thought the scent was heavenly while the pineapple was still in the bowl, it was positively transcendent up close. I took a deep breath, just savouring it for a moment until my mouth started watering again.
I wasn't shy about my first bite. The old me would've nibbled tentatively, too afraid to get a proper mouthful, but not this version of me. The new, brave Yuri fit as much of the pineapple spear into his mouth as seemed reasonable, and bit with confidence. Pineapple juice ran down my chin, and more trickled over my hand from the piece I was still holding, and I didn't care.
It was as if a thousand tiny explosions of pleasure went off simultaneously inside my mouth. The flavour of the pineapple was both tart and sweet, and the texture was firm but not difficult to chew. It was amazing, the best thing I'd ever tasted, and the peak of sensual gratification was so intense that I think my brain might've switched itself off for a second or two.
I opened my eyes to discover Victor staring at me. He still held his untouched piece of pineapple, and I think he must've been watching me the entire time.
"Wow," was all he said.
I looked around for a napkin or paper towel. Belatedly remembering we hadn't brought any outside with us, I wiped my sticky face with the back of my hand instead. All that accomplished was to make more of a mess, but I resolved not to worry about it. I could always wash up later.
I licked some juice off my thumb. "What?"
"The look on your face… I guess I don't need to ask if it's good."
"It's..." I struggled to find a sufficient word to describe it, but then quickly decided a single word would not be enough. "It tastes like joy. Like dreams come true, and new beginnings, and the promise of wonderful things."
"Wow," Victor said again. "All that from pineapple?"
I smiled. "Have you ever experienced a feeling like you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be in life? That you've got everything you'd ever wanted up to that point?"
"I'm not sure," he confessed. "There are still a few things I want. But if you're asking whether or not I'm happy, don't worry. I am."
"It makes me happy to know you're happy, but that's not quite what I meant," I said. "For the longest time, I didn't even know what being happy would feel like. I didn't let myself have dreams, and I was scared to make plans or set goals because I didn't think I could ever achieve anything and I didn't want to have to cope with the pain when I failed."
"But, you've done loads of awesome stuff this year," Victor said. "You've been totally crushing your goals."
"Because I finally saw that I'd never understand what happiness felt like if I didn't start trying," I said. "Eating that first strawberry after my surgery... taking the first step felt so good. I knew I wanted to keep on feeling like that."
"And now you do?"
"Yes. Now I do."
This has been a year of change for me, a year of learning, and perhaps the most important lesson I've learned is that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I've also discovered that happiness is a journey. The road isn't always smooth, but setbacks and challenges aren't a sign of failure. They're opportunities to try again, several times over if necessary, and now I see that neither my success nor my worth as a person are defined by how many attempts I have to make.
My newfound understanding has been nothing short of empowering for me. It's allowed me to take charge of my life in ways I'd never done before, and to make choices for myself that support my well-being and place less accountability on the people around me. And do you know what? It feels good. Until recently, I never would've imagined that taking on so much responsibility would make me feel so free and strong.
It's fitting for a love story to end with 'they lived happily ever after', and I don't think mine should be an exception. The story I’ve been telling through our journal is my love story after all, not just with my beautiful Victor, but with myself. I'm proud of the person I'm becoming, and I love his courage and resilience and his newly-opened mind that's ready to be filled with amazing possibilities.
Now that I know what happiness feels like, I can say with confidence, I will live happily ever after.
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Journal Entry #50
previously - Journal Entry #49 (part four)
Victor
It's Tuesday again.
I keep doing this, recording entries on Tuesdays. Unlike last Tuesday, nothing much happened today, but that's not to say I don't have news. Even if today wasn’t eventful, the weekend was.
I finally heard from Seiji. It took him until Sunday to reply to the multiple texts I'd sent him on Friday, but better late than never, as they say. What's going on with him will require some explaining, so let me come back to it, 'cause I'm sure you want to know how Yuri and I are doing too, right?
Right. Here comes the health update. There’s some good news and some not so good news.
Good news first; I'm feeling a lot better. It's like my body decided to kick itself into high gear and get some serious healing done since Friday. I’m still getting headaches, but they’re not nearly as intense as they were before, and the blurriness is completely gone from my vision now, which is super encouraging. Today, I didn't take any pain medication for my arms and rib, not even ibuprofen.
In hindsight, I think I probably should've had a little something in the afternoon, because my rib was hurting by the time I got back from spending several hours at the hospital with Yuri. The chairs in there aren’t particularly comfortable and it’s hard for me to sit for long periods of time. But, you know me. I was trying to be a tough guy about it.
My biggest problem right now isn't pain. It's that I'm restless and nearly bored out of my mind. I'm still not cleared for exercise, but I keep trying to sneak in some shoulder stretches and a bunch of leg work whenever I can. Normally, I'd be training, going to work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of Yuri, but I can't do any of that at the moment and a guy can only take so much inactivity. I'm going kinda crazy with nothing to do.
As for Yuri, his progress hasn't been quite as good as mine. He's slowly getting better, but he's still in the hospital. It's been a whole week as of today, and I don't think he'll be getting out for at least another week.
He hasn't reached the stage where he's bored yet, probably because he's really weak and he's still sleeping a lot, but at least he's able to get out of bed on his own now. He was even up and walking for a few minutes this afternoon. I coaxed him to drink some water afterwards, which probably looked hilarious because I was holding the cup for him and I had to hold it between both hands while he sipped through a straw.
He's still not eating, unfortunately, so they're still giving him intravenous nutrition infusions. I'm sure he's capable of eating independently, but I think he's scared, and nothing anyone's said so far has been enough to motivate him to try.
Dr. Kasongo has already brought up the subject of tube feeding at home, but only with me because neither of us feel Yuri is ready for that conversation yet. Obviously, tube feeding will be an option of last resort, and we really don't want to frighten or upset him any more.
I’ll be honest, the idea upsets me too, not just because I hate the thought of how debilitating it’d be for Yuri, but also because I don’t think I grasped exactly how sick he is until I had that conversation with his doctor. Like, I’ve always understood that his illness is serious and chronic, but I don’t think I fully comprehended the magnitude of it, if that makes sense.
Dr. Kasongo is hopeful that we won’t have to go the tube feeding route, in any case. She’s certain Yuri will settle enough to start a liquid diet by mouth in another day or two, but I'm not sure it'll happen as soon as she imagines it will. Not without some kind of intervention, at least.
The nutritionist came to see him while I was there today, and he had a complete meltdown in front of her. It was pretty clear that he did not want to hear anything about the food plan she was suggesting for him once he's released from the hospital, and his solution was to dissolve into tears and ask her to leave. I think I've seen him cry more in the past week than in the entire duration of our relationship. Yuri hardly ever cries. He rarely shows any emotions really strongly for that matter, regardless of how he's feeling inside, and it's difficult to see him in such a vulnerable state.
The nutritionist told me she's going to ask the doctor to make a referral to a psychologist for him. I already know he's not going to like that, and I’m predicting he'll cause a scene over it, but I do think it's a good idea for him to speak to someone.
That having been said, I can also empathize with his reluctance. At first, I didn't want to talk to the psychologist Dr. Sato referred me to either, but now I actually kinda like him. The initial referral was supposed to have been to talk about the emotional effects of my accident, but I told him I can get over that by myself, so we discuss other stuff instead. I've talked to him about the death of my dad and sister, the stress of being the main caregiver for somebody with a chronic illness, and the challenges of being an immigrant.
He says I'm psychologically healthy and that I don't need long-term therapy. I agree one hundred percent, but having someone objective to confess all my doubts and insecurities to has really helped me feel a lot better mentally. I'm happy to have that support, to go along with the support I'm getting for my physical recovery.
We'll see how it goes with Yuri and his psychologist. I'm envisioning hysterical outbursts, but I'm sure one of us will let you know what happens for sure.
Okay, I guess now it’s time to tell you about Seiji and what happened on Sunday afternoon.
I'd been with Yuri for the morning on Sunday. Mom and Julian picked me up around noon, just after Yuri's grandmother arrived to visit with him. She had Yuki with her as well, so it was probably a good thing I was leaving. According to Yuri, the energy of me and Yuki together in a room can sometimes be a bit overwhelming for other people. The last thing he needed was to deal with that.
Anyway, Mom, Julian and I had lunch at my favourite sushi bar, which was kind of chaotic because neither of them knows how to use chopsticks and even though I'm a chopstick wizard, I can't use them right now either. We all ate with our fingers, which earned us a lot of disapproving stares. I think people were mostly staring at me because I was picking up pieces of maki with the fingertips of both hands together, but I didn't care.
Back at home, stuffed to the brim with salmon, eel, rice and vegetables, I was ready for a nap on the couch and was not at all expecting my phone to ring. When it did, I was startled out of my drowsy stupor, and nearly fell off the sofa. Then, I recognized Seiji's number on the caller ID and all thoughts of napping suddenly dissipated like mist.
I tapped the 'answer' icon on my phone's screen, and didn't even bother with hello.
"Hinamori-san! Where the hell have you been?" I demanded. "Sakura and I have been trying to reach you for days, you know."
"We're not on a first-name basis now, Nelson-san?" was his testy response.
"Really, Seiji? You ghost me for days, and you're annoyed with me?"
"Sorry.”
"Yeah, you should be."
"I wasn't ready to talk," he said. "I went out to the country, to my grandparents' estate, 'cause I just needed to get away for a while."
"What for?" I asked. "And why didn't you tell Masao you were going? Why didn't you tell Takahiro and Fox? Like, how do you leave town without even telling your best friend and his boyfriend?"
"I headed out when Taka was at work," Seiji confessed. "I left him a note."
"You... No, you know what? Never mind," I said. "Why did you need to get away. Did something happen?"
"Did something happen?" he repeated, his tone incredulous. "Dude, are you kidding me right now? How are you even asking that? Like, what do you think happened?"
"I... don't know." I said, perplexed.
"You're so stupid, Victor.” He sounded as though he meant it.
I did my best to force down the familiar sting of humiliation at hearing that. Kids at school used to call me stupid, and it’d always made me feel horrible. My inner child wanted to cover his ears and hide under the nearest desk so he could cry without drawing even more ridicule.
But then, a little voice in my brain that sounded very much like Sayuri Ishida's seemed to whisper, that's not true.
It really isn't true, and I need to keep reminding myself of it. Dr. Ishida had put that monster from my past to rest, once and for all, and I used her words like a shield in my mind. You have an eye condition called hyperopia. Your ability to read is normal. Your intelligence is above average.
“I’m not stupid,” I said, as calmly as I could manage. It was mostly for my own benefit, but still, I wasn’t interested In letting Seiji’s dig at me go so easily.
Seiji made a dismissive snorting noise. “Whatever. Must be the head injury, then.”
I pulled in a deep breath. "Seiji, listen. I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you please tell me what's going on? Me and Sakura and Masao have been worried about you.”
“Masao should know,” he said.
“Maybe, but Sakura and I don’t.”
Several seconds passed before Seiji finally spoke again. “Fine. I guess I owe you some kind of explanation. Can you… are you like, okay to go out? I don’t want to talk about it on the phone, but Taka said you’re in a wheelchair and…uh, you know…”
“I’m not in a wheelchair,” I said. “I had to use one for like, maybe three days after I got out of the hospital. That’s all.”
“So, you can go out?”
“Yeah, but you’ll have to come and get me if you want me to go somewhere with you. I’m not cleared to drive yet.”
"When's a good time?"
"Now? I'm not doing much, so whenever works for you, works for me."
"Okay," he said. "If you literally meant now, I can be there to pick you up in like, twenty minutes."
"That sounds good," I agreed. "That gives me plenty of time to grab some water and throw on a sweater."
You're at home, right?"
"I'm at home. See you when you get here."
He showed up about twenty-five minutes later, looking like he'd spent the week in a tent rather than living in luxury at his grandparents' sprawling country estate. His hair was a mess, there were dark smudges beneath his eyes, and he was moving like he was the one who was injured. He looked like he hadn't gotten more than a few hours sleep in the last several days.
"You look worse than I do," I commented, once we'd exchanged greetings.
"You look... surprisingly good," he remarked. He sort of nodded at my arms, where the bottom of my casts were peeking out past the ends of my slightly too-long sleeves. "You know, except for that."
"I'll be rid of these in a few more weeks."
"And then what? Back to the mountain?"
"Naturally," I said.
I couldn't interpret the expression that passed across his features. It didn't last long, but I hadn't missed it, and it could've been anything from disbelief to worry to disapproval. It could've been some combination of all three.
"Let's get going," he said, and although neither of us verbally acknowledged it, we both blatantly pretended the previous few seconds hadn't happened.
The car ride was weird. Normally, Seiji and I would be joking and laughing, listening to music a bit too loud, and talking about our favourite subjects. This time, we were silent, and the only sound in the car was Snowflake by Arashi, playing quietly on repeat.
Where we eventually ended up was in the valley, in Hanamigawa Park. The last time I'd been there was on Yuri's birthday, back in September. The park had been vibrant with colour then. Now, it was brown and grey and dismal, the last vestiges of winter not quite having given way to the tenuous first signs of spring.
We got out of the car, and I followed Seiji across the grass until we came to a bench.
"So...?" I prompted, after it felt like we'd sat there for at least five minutes, staring at our shoes.
"So, what?"
"About that explanation you owe me."
"Yeah." He scuffed the toe of his boot on the ground. "I've been thinking."
"About what?"
"I'm going to move to the city. Try to get a grown-up job. Maybe go back to college or something."
"What are you talking about?" I said. "Your job with the Recreation Association is a grown-up job. There's a lot of responsibility in teaching people how to ski and snowboard."
"It's not the kind of responsibility I want any more, if I ever did."
"What?"
"I quit," he said.
"You quit your job?"
"I quit everything."
At that, an awkward silence stretched between us for several seconds because I had no idea how to respond. I wasn't sure what he meant by 'everything'. I thought I could guess, but I didn't want to assume.
When the lull was starting to feel too long, I finally ventured, "Define 'everything'."
"Everything," he repeated. "I quit my job, I told Taka I'm moving out, and I'm hanging up my board. Masao already knows, so don't bother to ask if I've told him."
"You're not going to compete any more?"
"I'm not going to snowboard any more."
I stared at him. "Why?"
As if it were too difficult to hold my gaze, he looked away from me and began to fidget with his hands. "I can't do it any more," he said.
"But... why?"
"You know how people say the mountain is magical? That there's a guardian spirit?"
"Yeah."
"It's just a story," he said. "The mountain is nothing but a cold, dead rock, and it'll take everything from you with no regrets. With no feelings at all. I named my snowboard because, for some dumb reason, I let myself think it had some kind of spirit inside too, but you know what? It's just another lifeless object."
I had to admit that what he said was correct. From a purely factual standpoint, the mountain is rock and snow, and snowboards are just Fiberglas and wood or carbon, but I have to admit I like the idea of there being something more to them than that. I love the stories of the mountain spirit Yukimatsu and his beautiful sword Shirayuki, and I believe that Elsa is more than a piece of sports equipment. When Elsa and I are flying down the mountainside, I definitely feel something from her, and sometimes I imagine I can hear her singing.
"I thought you loved snowboarding," I said.
“Maybe I used to. Or maybe I still do, but it's like a toxic relationship that you can't seem to leave until it's almost too late. Like, you can't make yourself get out of it until it steals every last bit of hope and happiness you ever had."
"I don't understand," I said, because I really didn't.
"Do you know, I think I might've accidentally hurt Masao, trying to get to you when I saw you go down?" he said. "You know how tiny he is, and he was trying to hold me back."
"I didn't know," I said.
"If it wasn't for Fox, I probably would've..." He didn't complete the thought, but instead continued with. "Takahiro said I was literally screaming. The thing is, though, I don't remember. I don't remember Masao grabbing me, or me knocking him to the ground or... anything. All I could think was, you could be dying and the people you care about most wouldn't even be beside you."
"Obviously I didn't die."
"Yeah, but how were any of us supposed to know that at the time? You didn't see it the way we saw it. Masao said it looked like you could've broken your neck, and I... I couldn't handle losing somebody else like that."
It took a second for my brain to register what he'd just said. Somebody else. Had he seen another snowboarder go down like I had? Someone who hadn't been as lucky as me?
"Who...?" I began, but quickly closed my mouth because something told me I shouldn't pry.
But, it was too late to worry about it when Seiji started to answer anyway. "Didn't Yuri ever tell you about Tsubaki?"
I tried to recall if Yuri had ever mentioned anyone by that name. "I don't think so. Who is she?"
"I thought he told you everything," Seiji said.
"Apparently not."
"Tsubaki was our..." he trailed off, and then amended. "She was the woman I loved."
"Oh."
"She was our teacher in our final year of high school," he went on. "Me, Taka and Yuri were in the same class, so we all knew her. She wasn't that much older than us and most of the boys in our year had a crush on her, but for whatever reason, she liked me and Taka best. Maybe 'cause she was into snowboarding like we were."
"You went snowboarding with your teacher?"
"Not while she was our teacher," he said. "But, we all talked about it all the time, and we'd see her up on the mountain on the weekends."
I'd seen one of my high school teachers skiing on Granite Mountain once. It had felt strange and out of context to me, and I'd tried to pretend I hadn't even noticed him. But, regardless of my effort to ignore him, the rare sighting of my chemistry teacher outside his natural habitat had been enough to distract me, and it resulted in me getting yelled at by my coach at the time.
I'm sure I succeeded in forgetting about it almost immediately afterward, and I’d never even dreamed of bringing it up with him at school. I couldn’t help but winder what it would've been like to have a teacher like Tsubaki, who I could've geeked out about snowboarding with.
"Seems like she would've been a cool person to know."
"She was amazing," he said. "When we graduated, she said we could call her by her given name, and we became friends. We all used to hang out, me Taka, Yuri, Tsubaki and her best friend Mei. We went snowboarding together then, and we did other stuff like going on road trips or going to someone's place for a meal and to play games or watch movies. Or just talk. Tsubaki and I talked a lot."
"What happened?" I asked.
"With me and her?" he said. "She always told me that she didn't want to have a relationship with me, but towards the end, I felt like things were changing between us. She was starting to treat me less like a friend and more like... well, not a boyfriend exactly, but something deeper than snow buddies, you know?" He sighed. "Then everything... ended."
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Yuri really never told you about any of this? He never told you about Tsubaki's accident? How she..." He paused, closing his eyes. "How the mountain took her from me."
It was at that point when I realized Yuri actually had told me. I hadn't made the connection immediately because he hadn't gone into detail and hadn't used Tsubaki's name, and I hadn't wanted to press him for information. "He mentioned he had a friend who died in a snowboarding accident," I said. "We didn't talk much about it."
That figures. Yuri wasn't that close to her anyway." He gave a little shrug. "Yuri doesn't know how to be close to people.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Are you saying he’s not close to you?” I asked.
“Dude, from where I’m standing, he’s not even all that close to you,” he said. “I mean, where the hell was he when you needed him? At work, and even when all of us were at the hospital with you and we were trying to call him, he ignored us. You know how many times Taka tried to reach him?”
“He was probably in a meeting,” I said.
“Why wasn’t he on the mountain with you? That’s where he should’ve been.”
"His job is important, Seiji. Besides, what happened probably would've happened anyway, even if he had been there.”
"That's not the point," Seiji said. "The point is, he doesn't care about anybody but himself. Why was it you and Sakura who were checking on me? He's supposed to be my friend."
"Sakura and I are your friends too," I reminded him. "Yuri couldn't check on you. He's been in the hospital since Tuesday."
"So what? He's too sick to send a text?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was." I met his gaze. "Are you seriously mad at Yuri because he didn't text you for a week?"
“I’m mad at him because he’s an asshole. Because he got someone he doesn’t appreciate or even deserve.”
“So, you’re not actually mad at him. You’re jealous.”
“Whatever,” he said. “I know you love him, but wouldn't it be better to love somebody who gives a shit about you? If you'd died out there, he would've just carried on with life as normal."
"No, he wouldn't," I said. "You obviously don't know him as well as you think you do, if that's what you believe."
"I know him well enough," he said. "I've never seen him shed a tear over anything or anyone. But you? You treat everybody like they matter, and you deserve at least that much in return."
"Everyone deserves to be treated like they matter because everyone does matter," I said. "Where are you even going with this?"
"You didn't have to come halfway around the world for Yuri. You could've stayed safe at home and had anyone you wanted.”
“I want Yuri,” I said simply.
"I don't know why. He's a crappy partner."
“Yuri loves me just as much as I love him, and he treats me like I matter," I said. "Maybe you’re convinced he’s a crappy partner because he wasn’t where you thought he should be, but that’s not how it works. We don’t get to script real life to our tastes. It just happens, and sometimes it sucks, and then we gotta figure out how to deal with it.”
“You think I don’t know that?"
"Do you?"
"My life has sucked for the last three and a half years," he declared. "Worse than yours, probably.”
“My life doesn't suck," I said. "There are parts of it that suck. Like, everything's not always easy or fun, but overall it's good, and I'm happy."
"Then, you're delusional." He got up abruptly and started to walk away. "This was a waste of time."
Stunned by the suddenness of his decision to leave, I stared at his retreating figure for several seconds. When I pulled my wits back into place at last, I had to run — contrary to doctor’s orders — to catch up to him.
"Seiji, wait!" I called. "We're not done."
He glared at me. “Yes, we are.”
"You said you were going to give me an explanation."
"I did. It's not my fault that you're too dumb to figure it out."
That was the precise moment in which I lost my temper. I think that if I could've grabbed him and shook him, I would have, but maybe it was a good thing I couldn't.
"I'm not dumb!" I yelled. "I'm sick and tired of everyone saying I'm stupid! I'm probably smarter than you, but I'm not a damn mind reader, so if you want me to understand something, then explain it in a way that makes sense!"
"Fine!" he said. "You want it in language your brain can handle? Here it is. I'm done pretending I'm okay. I don't want to be in this place, hanging around with people who remind me how useless I am and how much I've lost. I don't want to be on that damn mountain every day, thinking of her."
“But—”
"I can't keep running the risk of putting my parents through what her parents had to go through. What I had to go through. It's not worth it. I'd rather have nothing myself than to leave my family with nothing."
"But, there's lots of other stuff—" I began.
“There isn't," he said. "Snowboarding was the only thing I was good at. I’ve failed at everything else. Like, I was rubbish in school, and I was useless as a medic. I couldn’t even…”
“What?”
“There was only snowboarding, but you know what? Snowboarding fucking wrecked my life, Victor! There's no part that it didn't touch, and I can't fix anything now. All I can do now is protect the people I love, and try to forget it."
By the time he was done with this speech, he was crying. Evidently not wanting me to see that, he wiped his sleeve across his eyes so fiercely that I'm sure it must've hurt.
"Seiji—"
"Leave me alone," he said.
“You’ll never forget, you know.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You can go to the city if you want,” I said. “You can go to the other side of the world or a whole other planet, but you're never gonna outrun grief or anger or whatever. You might think you feel better for a while but there's really no place far enough away to escape from it."
"What the hell would you know about it?"
"You might be surprised by what I know about it," I told him. "But I'm not gonna give you a lecture. If you’re not ready, you wouldn't listen anyway.”
"I doubt you know about it like I do," he said.
"Maybe not exactly in the same way you do," I conceded. "But, you know what? I get what it's like when somebody who was the center of your world suddenly isn't there any more."
There was a lot more I could've said. I wanted to tell him I know what it feels like to think about someone every single day and picture how the future might've been different if they were still around. I often wonder about all the stuff Dad and Caroline and I might've said to each other, and all the ways I could've been a better person when they were alive, and how they'll never know what i learned because of them, and who I became because of them.
Tears were still leaking from Seiji's eyes, but he wasn't trying to hide them any more. As I watched, he stood there with his head bowed and whispered, "I couldn't save her. No one could."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
He shook his head, but regardless of that, he started telling me anyway. "It was just a normal Saturday," he said. "I was working with Mountain Patrol, and my team got the call about an accident up on the expert run. I didn't know it was her until we got there. The advanced care paramedic on our team took one look at her and somehow he knew right away that her neck was broken. It was really bad."
"That had to have been a shock."
"They took her in a helicopter down to the hospital in the valley." He went on as if I hadn't spoken. "You know, to assess her and try to stabilize her. They might've rushed her to one of the big hospitals in Kyoto afterwards, but... there wasn't time. Her parents were in Tokyo, and there wasn't time for them to get here, either. Me and Taka were the only ones with her, and I don't know if she was aware of us being there, but I was holding her hand when she passed."
"I'm sorry," I said.
I thought about my mom. I hadn't found out until many years later that she'd been with my dad in the hospital when he passed and had been able to say goodbye to him one last time. Caroline had been killed almost instantly, so Mom didn't get that final goodbye with her, and I can't decide if that was a blessing or not.
I mean, I can't wrap my head around how terrifying and soul-shattering it'd be to hold your baby as she took her last breath. Watching your partner die would be devastating enough, but losing a child...? And my mom had to suffer through both. The pain she felt must've been immeasurable, making even mine seem minor in comparison.
I don't know how she handled it. I don't know how she survived it. I think if something happened to take Yuri away from me, I'd die too, of a broken heart. Or maybe I wouldn't literally die, but I'd wish to stop existing if he wasn't by my side.
I had to resist the urge to hug Seiji as he stood there crying. His whole body was visibly rigid, and I knew he wouldn't want me to touch him. Takahiro probably would have if he were there, but Taka the compulsive hugger could get away with it and Seiji might even relax enough to reciprocate. In fact, Taka is the only person I've ever seen give Seiji a hug that didn't look unnatural or uncomfortable. Had Seiji always been that way, or had his trauma caused him to change?
He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I shouldn't have told you all that."
"It's okay. You must've needed to say it."
"Maybe. It was just... that thing you said. About somebody being the center of your world? She was, you know. She would've been, for the rest of our lives. I would've taken care of her, and I think we would've been happy, but... None of that's gonna happen now."
"Have you ever talked about this with anybody before?" I asked.
"Only Taka," he said. "He's the only one who understands. Everybody else thinks it's ridiculous 'cause we weren't even in a relationship."
"A friendship is a relationship. So what if you weren't her boyfriend? That doesn't mean it should hurt less."
"You don't think I'm like, being dramatic or whatever?"
"Why should I think that?" I said. "I don't have the right to tell you how you're supposed to feel or what your grief is supposed to look like, do I? Maybe you're like Yuri and you hardly ever cry for anything, no matter how destroyed you feel, or maybe you're like me and you cry over every little thing, or maybe you're somewhere in between. It doesn't matter. It's all valid."
"Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me for letting you feel however you feel."
"Yeah, I do. Most people would judge me for it."
"I'm not into judging other people for their feelings," I said. "I've got plenty of my own that I'm busy judging myself for."
"You shouldn't. Like, if you can tell me my feelings are okay, you can tell yourself that."
I offered him what was probably a lopsided smile. "I'm working on it. My psychologist says I have to stop creating burdens for myself."
"You're seeing a therapist?"
"Yeah. Unbelievable, right? My doctor referred me to him after my accident, but we've been talking about everything. He's helping me get perspective."
"Perspective," Seiji repeated, as if he were contemplating it.
"You know," I said. "Like how some stuff in your life seems so big and overwhelming, you don't know how you're supposed to deal with it? Sometimes you have to break the situation down and manage it bit by bit."
"Like learning a trick," he said.
"Exactly. Remember when you first learned to ride? There were probably lots of people around you doing all kinds of crazy tricks, and you couldn't even do an ollie yet. Now, you're the one who's flying, but you had to build up to it, one skill at a time."
"So, how am I supposed to do it?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe start off with figuring out what's really going on in your head. Like, are you sad or angry or scared, or what? And then... I don't know. Ask yourself exactly why. Like, if you're angry at a specific person, or you're scared about a certain thing."
He nodded. "I guess that makes sense. But... do you think I need professional help for that?"
"Maybe? I'm probably the last person you should ask about that. I didn't even know I needed professional help until I was getting it."
"But, it's working, right?"
"Yeah, but it's not magic. You have to want to get your shit together before you can get your shit together, and you have to work at it."
"Good to know."
"Listen," I said. "Everything's gonna be okay. It may take a while, and it might not look exactly how you wanted it to, but it eventually does get better."
"Thanks."
This time, I could feel my smile in my entire face. "You're welcome, but give credit to Yuri, too. He taught me that."
"Yuri taught you optimism?"
"He taught me about resilience," I said. “That’s better than optimism.”
“How so?”
"’Cause it’s realistic. And it’s honest.”
“I see how optimism can be unrealistic.”
“Resilience is sort of like body armour,” I said. “Having it on doesn't mean nothing ever hurts you. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but you get through it and you survive, and eventually the pain isn’t so bad any more. Yuri's constantly showing me that, whether he realizes he is or not."
"Okay," was all he said in response.
He started walking again, in the direction of the park gates. I fell into step beside him, and the quiet between us this time didn't feel quite so fraught.
When we reached the place where we'd left his car, I asked, "What are you going to do now?"
"Take you home, I guess," he said.
"I meant in general."
"Oh." He shrugged. "I don't know. I'm going to Kyoto tomorrow. I've got a couple of appointments to view apartments. Do you want to come?"
"So, you're definitely moving?"
"I guess so."
"What kind of job do you think you'll get when you move there?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not really," I said. "I was just curious."
"I'll probably end up in a convenience store," he said. "But, I was training to be a paramedic before, so I might be okay at taking care of sick people at home or something. And I like kids, so maybe I'd do all right working in a daycare. Or tailoring. I learned how to draft patterns and sew from my mother, so I could probably do that."
"I didn't realize you were training to be a paramedic. When you said 'medic' before, I thought you meant you had the certified mountain rescue course. The advanced first aid one."
"I do have that certification," he said. "But, I was in college for paramedicine. After she... after Tsubaki died, I dropped out because couldn't handle it any more."
"How far did you get?"
"Not very far. I finished the first in-class module, and Mountain Patrol was my first part-time clinical placement. That was it." He made a face that might've been self-disgust. "Useless, right?"
"Not necessarily," I said.
"What?"
An idea was starting to form in my head, but I didn't want to say too much to Seiji until I'd had a chance to talk to Yuri about it first. "You think you could drop me off at the hospital instead of at my house?"
"I'll drop you off anywhere you want," he said. "But, what'd you mean?"
"About you quitting college?"
"Yeah."
"There might be more options for you than snowboarding or working in some dodgy convenience store in the city."
"Right."
"I'll come with you to Kyoto tomorrow," I said.
He frowned at me. "You've got some kind of ulterior motive, don't you?"
"Maybe."
"You're trying to convince me not to move."
"No, I'm not trying to do that. If you want to check out the opportunities in Kyoto, there's no reason not to. All I'm saying is that you might want to go there with something better in mind than working at a convenience store. Like, if you're serious about home care or child care, maybe try it out and see if you like it before you take off to the city and commit yourself to a lease and everything."
"You think I should do that in Mt. Komorebi?"
"Think of it as a safety net," I said. "Stay home for a bit longer, try some different stuff and find out what you really want. Then go off and chase your dream, whatever it is."
"What if I really don't want to stay here?" he said.
"Nobody can force you to stay. All I'm saying is, before you leave, make sure you're deciding and not just reacting."
"Okay," he said. "But I still feel like you're up to something."
"I'll tell you about it tomorrow," I said.
"I'm not going along with it, whatever it is."
"You don't have to go along with it, but you should at least wait to hear what it is."
He drew back his arm as if he were going to punch me, but only flicked my shoulder instead. "You're a massive pain in the ass, you know."
"Yeah," I said. "I hear that a lot, but for some reason, people love me anyway."
"I hate you," he growled, but I knew he wasn't being serious. "Get in the car, Nelson. Wouldn't want to keep you from your pain in the ass other half."
"You didn't really mean what you said about him before, did you?"
If I was expecting an apology or a retraction, I would've been disappointed.
“Some of it,” Seiji said. “He is an asshole, and you seriously could've done better, but if you're happy..." He raised his hands in a gesture that seemed to indicate there was no further comment he could offer. "Anyway, you can tell him I'll come by and see him in a day or two. I'll make Taka and Fox come too, if they haven't been there yet, and I'll bring daifuku mochi. The strawberry kind."
"He's not eating," I said.
"Since when has Yuri ever said no to strawberry mochi? Me and Taka have literally seen him too weak to sit up, and he’d still be lying there demanding a little bite of our strawberry mochi. It's his all-time favourite. That, and tinned peaches, but they're probably already on the lunch menu at the hospital."
"How do you—"
"Just tell him," Seiji said, "And tell him I'll even feed him if he needs me to. Oh, and also tell him to expect a huge piece of my mind for what he did to you. He had no business abandoning you like that, and he definitely has no business taking you for granted. Actually, having somebody as devoted to his pathetic little ass as you are, he should consider himself the luckiest person in the universe."
I didn't show it on the outside, but inwardly, I was both relieved and amused. It might not be an apology, but I figured this was as close as Seiji would get to saying he still considers Yuri his friend.
Even if I hadn't liked hearing what he'd said about my husband, I couldn't blame Seiji for being upset. From Seiji's point of view, maybe Yuri's behaviour after my accident had looked horrible and uncaring, but Seiji hadn't seen him in my room with me immediately after. He hadn't heard the pain and guilt in Yuri's voice when he told me over and over that he was sorry, and he hadn't seen how hard Yuri worked to help me at home when he really should've been resting himself.
"I'll tell him," I said. "I think he'll be glad to see you."
"Yeah, whatever." He opened the passenger door for me, and I climbed into the car. A moment later, he slid into the driver's seat. "I'm leaving for Kyoto at eight in the morning. You'd better be up and dressed when I get to your place."
"Don't worry," I assured him. "I'll be ready."
((More about Seiji & Tsubaki from a different perspective, for anyone curious))
#ts4#sims 4#eagames#snowy escape#victorsworldadventures#victor nelson#seiji hinamori#tw death#dw accident#tw illness#tw chronic illness#tw hospital#tw trauma#tw therapy#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #60
Journal Entry #59 // STORY INDEX
Yuri
At the beginning of September, Victor and I moved into our forever home.
We thought we might go in the middle of the month, but I knew Victor wanted to have time to begin training with his new coach before the start of the competitive snowboarding season, and I wanted to be settled into our house in time to celebrate my birthday, so I suggested that we should arrange to go sooner. Victor seemed surprised, but he was pleased, and it made me happy to offer something he genuinely wanted without feeling like I was doing it as some sort of repayment for an imaginary debt I owe him.
That's one truth I've come to realize over the course of this year; the debt really was imaginary. Victor loves me, and he does things for me because he wants to help me and make my life easier. He never expects me to repay him deed for deed. All he wants is for me to do my best to help him whenever I can.
Sometimes my best is quite a lot, and sometimes I’m not physically capable of doing much of anything. Either way, it’s okay. Not being able to do everything all the time doesn't make me a bad person or a failure as a husband, and I'm beginning to understand that it was only my insecurity and lack of self-worth that made me believe it did.
Learning to trust myself and to believe in my own abilities and my value as a person hasn't been easy. Some days, I struggle to find even one affirming thing to say, and that's when I know I need to ask for help.
Doing that was difficult at first, because I had to get over the hurdle of thinking that asking for even the smallest thing made me a burden to Victor or my family. Releasing the guilt and shame is an ongoing process, just like teaching myself to be more positive and self-confident is, but I'm determined to succeed. I owe it to everyone I love, and I owe it to me.
When I can't come up with an affirmation, Victor always knows what to do. Rather than simply saying something good about me and asking me to accept it, he challenges me to name something I accomplished during the previous few days. It might be something big like planning and cooking an entire meal on my own, or maybe it'll be something small like folding laundry or sending an email, but there's always something. Then, he gets me to stand in front of the full-length mirror in my room and congratulate myself aloud.
Initially, that felt like an utterly silly thing to do, but Victor told me his first coach used to get his students to do it before competitions. He said the coach used to tell them to look at themselves in the washroom mirror and tell themselves things like, “I am brave and I am strong. I want to win, but even if I don’t win this time, I won't give up trying.”
Now I look forward to my little early-morning pep talks. As ridiculous as this may sound, these days it actually feels good to look myself in the eyes and say something like that, because it's not just a rote exercise any more. I am brave and I am strong, and even if today's not my day, there's always tomorrow. It's an effort to pick myself up and keep going, but I won't quit, not when I've gotten this far.
Honestly, the thing I’m most proud of lately is eating. I still don’t really love consuming most foods, but eating feels less stressful to me now, and most of the time I’m able to look at food and think about eating without becoming anxious.
I'll admit, I have moments when I wish I could go back to formula and not have to put anything in my mouth. I still have my tube, and fresh formula is only as far away as the pharmacy, so the temptation is certainly there. When I feel like that, I have to remind myself of my goal and push through as best I can. Victor encourages me on my bad days too, and I always look at my sticker chart to remind me of the progress I've made so far.
Yes, for those who may be wondering, we did bring my sticker chart with us from Japan. Mama rolled it up and put it in one of those cardboard cylinders normally used for maps or architectural plans, and I carried it with me on the plane. it's hanging in our kitchen here in Willow Creek now.
If you're looking for an update on it, tomorrow is the twentieth of September — my twenty-sixth birthday, incidentally — and I'll only have twelve more days to go before I can say I've been formula-free for sixty consecutive days.
I’ve earned four small rewards so far, and in a couple of days I’ll earn the fifth one. I already know what it is, but Victor says we can’t bring it home until I complete this current ten-day stretch. It’s garden boxes, by the way. My previous reward was gardening tools, and the one before that was a book about growing vegetables.
I won’t be able to start my garden till next spring, but I’ve already picked out a spot for my boxes, and having the things now means a lot even if I have to wait to use them. Choosing what to grow and reading up on the best cultivation methods will keep me busy during the winter, and then I’ll be ready to plant my little crop when the time comes.
Victor says strawberries do well in this climate, so I think they’ll be first on my list. I’m already imagining eating strawberries I nurtured myself. Do you think love and hope will make them sweeter?
I haven’t even planted them yet and I have a whole multitude of emotions about them. Mostly, I’m excited. I’ve always wanted my own garden, but I pictured it as flowers, not vegetables and fruit. The idea that we have room here for both makes me happy, and I can hardly wait to grow my favourite Japanese lilies and hydrangea alongside my strawberries.
Anyway, please excuse me for getting slightly off-track. I was trying to tell you about my progress. Day sixty will be October first, and then I’ll get the big reward. I know what that’s going to be as well, and it is very big. Victor told me this morning. I guess he couldn’t keep the secret until my birthday, which is when he and my parents had evidently planned to tell me, but I forgive him. It was still a fantastic surprise, and to be fair, it’s a gift for both Victor and me, so I can’t blame him for being enthusiastic about it.
I’ll tell you exactly what it is in my next entry, but suffice it to say, keeping my eyes on this particular prize is going to motivate me through the next fortnight.
Unfortunately, even when I reach the sixty-day mark, I'll still have my tube for a few more weeks because my first appointment with Dr. Kim, my new specialist here in Willow Creek, isn't until the twenty-second of October. Meanwhile, I'm still having follow-up by way of video conferences with my nutritionist back in Kyoto, and Dr. Kasongo is technically still my doctor. When I finish my sixty days, I'll get to report my progress to them, and then Dr. Kasongo will probably write a letter to Dr. Kim to tell him I'm ready to have my tube removed.
Apparently, he can do it right there in his office in about five minutes. From what I understand, he'll numb the area with an injection of some sort of local anaesthetic, maybe something like the dentist uses, and then when I can't feel anything, he'll pull the device straight out. He'll put a dressing on the area, and we'll have to watch for any signs of infection for a week or so until the tube site heals closed.
According to the information sheet I read about G-tube removal, I'll have to rest a lot and eat several small meals of bland foods like rice and yogurt for the first forty-eight hours after it comes out, and I'll have to take showers instead of baths until the hole closes, but that's about it. It's not even supposed to be particularly painful. I'll have a scar, of course, but I can live with that.
Victor says it’ll be my badge of honour, a tangible reminder of having survived one of the toughest situations I’ve ever experienced.
“It’ll prove you’re a warrior,” he told me. “You fought the battle, and you came out on top. That’s the thing with courageous people, you know. They might be scared, but they don’t let their fear win.”
I will never, ever let my fear win again.
But, you’ve probably had enough of me going on about my health at this point, haven’t you? Let me rewind and tell you a bit about our lovely summer and about our move instead.
The biggest highlight of the summer for me was having everyone I love most all together in one place. I didn't think Victor would agree to stay at my parents' house. When Papa invited him, he said he'd have to think about it, and I was convinced he'd say no, but I'm glad he decided to take Papa up on his offer in the end. We shared my old room, and even though we’re married and it's totally normal for us to sleep in the same bed, somehow this felt like I was a teenager having a sleepover with my boyfriend every night.
Victor and I spent a lot of time together, going for long walks and visiting parts of town we hadn't seen in a while. We went to the public onsen in Kiyomatsu several times, and we visited the local shrine. On sunny days, we usually packed our lunch and ate it down by the lake. I've taken a liking to eating outside, and now I want a picnic table in the back yard so we can enjoy meals outdoors here as well.
Aside from our dates, picnics and leisurely walks, Victor and I also made time to hang out with our friends. I'm relieved to say, Fox forgave me for the horrible way I treated him. He seemed a little perplexed by my apology at first, not so much because of what I said but because of the way I bowed to him. Takahiro had to explain it to him, and then he ended up making a wholly unnecessary apology to me for the cultural confusion.
While I'm on the subject of Taka and Fox, I should mention that Taka passed his immigration English test. He also got accepted into the college program he applied for, and received his study permit in August. In a cosmic stroke of good timing, Taka's Canadian study permit arrived on the day Fox's Japanese work visa expired, and they left Japan together a few days later.
Back in the winter, Victor and I offered to let them stay with us, but a lot has changed for all of us since then. We were supposed to have arrived in Willow Creek ahead of them, but obviously that didn't happen. In the meantime, Fox was busy applying for jobs back home, and he got offered a social worker position with the Department of Community Services, beginning in September. He has a Master's degree in social work, so the offer was ideal, as the position is exactly what he'd trained for.
Fox's parents still aren't speaking to him, but his sister hasn't abandoned him. She helped him find an apartment that's affordable, close to the college so Taka can walk to school, and on a bus route that'll take Fox downtown to his office. They stayed with one of Fox's cousins for a few weeks until the old tenants moved out of the apartment, and then they moved into their place around the same time we moved into ours.
I can't even begin to describe how reassuring it is to have my friend Takahiro nearby, and he confessed that he felt similarly about me being here. As safe and content as we are with our respective partners, it's daunting to realize we're in a whole new country without our families and all the things we're used to. There's no escaping the fact that we're newcomers, but it's less scary knowing we're not alone in the experience.
I wish I could say things were going as well for Seiji as they are for Taka and me. Victor and I took a weekend trip to Kyoto in July, and we decided to visit him while we were there. We got the impression he didn't really want to see us, though, and we only stayed at his flat for about half an hour because the atmosphere was so awkward.
We made a lot of small talk, but he did tell us that he hates working at the convenience store and is trying to figure out what to do next. His mother wants him to come home and be her apprentice, but he said he can't picture himself as a tailor. That statement, when the only real furniture we saw in his flat besides a shikibuton, a thrifted table and two rickety chairs was a purpose-built desk with a sewing machine on it, was incongruous. But we didn't question it. Seiji is the only one who can decide which direction he should take.
Victor's theory is that Seiji does want to come home, but he's too embarrassed or ashamed to, after leaving the way he did. If that's the case, nothing we could've said would have convinced him anyway. He'll have to make up his own mind to set aside his pride or fear or whatever else may be holding him back.
It makes me sad to think of him being all alone in that bare, depressing flat. Despite all the hurtful things he said to me, I still consider him my friend and I want him to have a full and happy life. I'd like the chance to talk to him one-on-one, to explain some things and to let him get his feelings out. That may never happen, I realize, but I like to think I'm keeping the door open for the opportunity, should it ever arise.
The uncomfortable meeting with Seiji notwithstanding, Victor and I had the most magical weekend in Kyoto. We revisited all the places we went to during the week we'd gotten married. On one evening we attended an absolutely glorious performance by a local string quartet, and on another we went skating at an indoor rink where I was able to teach Victor a sporting skill for once. Would you believe I'm a better skater than him? Well... perhaps not better, but more graceful at least.
As for the rest of the summer, August passed in much the same way as July, with plenty of walks and outdoor meals and precious time with my family. One thing of particular note from August, however, was my meeting with Mr. Tanaka and the human resources representative from our firm. Dr. Kasongo submitted a report to our HR department recommending that my short-term disability claim should be extended until the end of the year. Her opinion is that I'll be medically ready to return to work in January, and both my boss and the HR department approved the extension.
I'm looking forward to getting back to work, but I'm also glad that I'll have the rest of the year to keep getting better. I was working remotely before, but now I'll be working extremely remotely, and I think it's great that I get to keep my old job even though I'm living in an entirely different country. Much to my delight, Mr. Tanaka seems to think so as well. He said it was a chance he couldn't possibly pass up because with me being fluent in English and physically located in Canada, our firm will be in a much better position to attract more North American clients. Mr. Tanaka said he'd contact me early in December to work out a schedule for regular meetings, and so we can discuss my job duties and responsibilities going forward.
Although he didn't directly say so, I think he may have given me a promotion of sorts. I'll be sure to let you know if that indeed turns out to be the case.
The other big thing in August was that Victor and I departed Japan on the thirty-first. We said our goodbyes to Mama and Yuki at home, and then Papa took us to the airport.
I could not have predicted how emotional that would be.
Papa and I have grown close this year, and I wish I could find the right way to express how much of the previously empty space in my soul he's filled. I knew I was missing him all those years when our relationship was so strained, but I could not have comprehended exactly how much until we both dropped our stubborn pride and opened up our hearts and minds to each other. Saying goodbye was even harder than I expected, and even though I knew it wouldn't be a permanent goodbye, part of me didn't want to let go.
He went with us all the way to the security area. We all stopped outside the big glass doors, and Papa held out his hand for Victor to shake.
"Take care of yourself, Victor," he said. "And take care of my son."
"I'll take the best care of him, I promise," Victor assured him. "Don't worry."
"I'm going to, regardless," Papa said. "But, I trust you."
"Thanks." Victor grinned mischievously at him. "But, you know, if you ever want to come check on him in person, you're welcome to visit us whenever you're able. We'll offer you a non-haunted bedroom."
Papa smiled. "Expect us for Winterfest, and tell Miss Sachiko that we wouldn't dream of taking her room."
"Will do," Victor said.
Then, Papa turned to me. For an instant, I thought he was going to shake my hand too, but at the last moment he pulled me into a hug. I can't remember the last time I was hugged by my father and didn't feel uncomfortable with it, but I had no problem this time. I put my arms around him and held on tight.
"We'll see you in a few months," he whispered into my hair, and I was startled when I realized he was crying.
But I guessed I couldn't fault him for it because my eyes certainly weren't dry either. "I'm really going to miss you."
"Me too," he said. "Think of me when you’re having your strawberry milkshakes."
"I'll think of you every day, no matter what I'm doing. You and Mama and Yuki."
"I love you, my treasure," he said quietly. "Be brave. Mama and I believe in you, and we know you're going to have a wonderful new life in Canada."
I was sobbing by that point, but I managed to get out, "I love you, Papa."
I meant it. Watcher help me… with every fibre of my being, I meant it, and I hadn't even grasped the full magnitude of my love for him until that very moment.
When he walked away, I couldn't watch. Victor held me while I cried my heart out, right there in the middle of the crowded airport.
"It's gonna be okay, Yuri," Victor said. "He's right, you know. We're gonna have a wonderful life."
It was hard to believe that when I felt like my heart was breaking, but once we were in the air and away, I began to feel better. On the plane, we looked at pictures of various places around Willow Creek that we'd taken back in June, photos of Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian's wedding, and some funny snaps we'd taken of ourselves and Yuki in my room at my parents’ house. We talked about our plans and dreams, and we made up stories about ourselves in the far future. Cute old men in rocking chairs on our front porch, Victor said, and the image made me smile.
We arrived at the tiny Willow Creek airport around mid-morning the next day, where we were met by Victor's mother. She drove us home, and as we were getting out of the car, she handed Victor a set of keys.
"Here you go," she said. "Your grandpa was supposed to be here with the set you gave him, but apparently he and Juliet went on a spur-of-the-moment road trip to Oasis Springs. He said to pass along his apologies. He’ll be here next week."
Victor looked amused. "How much you want to bet they're eloping?"
"Victor!" Dr. Grace exclaimed. "Michael wouldn't do that."
"You don't think?" Victor's raised eyebrow said he might've known something his mother didn't.
Dr. Grace shook her head. "You're impossible, you know. You and your Grandpa Michael.”
"Yeah, we get that a lot."
"Well, I'll leave the two of you to settle in," she said. "Come over around five o'clock. Julian's making his famous chicken parmigiana."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Italian food," Victor replied. "I think you'll like it."
“Strawberry cake for dessert,” Dr. Grace added. “Because I heard somebody around here really enjoys strawberries.”
Victor winked at me. “I wonder who that could be?”
“I’ll see you boys at dinner,” Dr. Grace said
She wished us a good day, and then she got back into her car and drove across the street. It's nice, living across the street from Victor's mother and stepfather. I know Victor's happy about it, and I like knowing we have somebody close we can rely on if we ever need anything.
Once Victor's mother had left, I was ready to go inside. I started for the doorstep, but Victor held up his hand to stop me. "Just wait right there, okay?"
"Why?" I asked, as I watched him bound up the steps.
He unlocked the front door and flung it wide open before rejoining me on the walkway. "Because," he said. "I'm gonna carry you over the threshold. Isn't that what they do in those historical movies you like?"
I laughed. "That's for newlyweds, Victor. We've been married nearly a year."
"Yeah, but we didn't have our own house when we were newlyweds, did we?"
"Are you certain you can even still lift me? And your arms—"
"My arms are fine, and you're not that much heavier than you used to be. If I can't still carry you a few meters, I think that'll be a sign to go harder on the weight training."
"Okay," I said. I was a little dubious, but also secretly thrilled at the thought of being carried. It'd been a long time, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it.
"Okay," Victor said. "Ready?"
I nodded, and a second later he scooped me up as seemingly effortlessly as he ever had. He carried me up the steps and through the door, and then set me down carefully in the front hallway.
"Welcome home," he said.
I wanted to run through the place and look at everything, touch everything, and soak in the knowledge that this was our home. Mine and Victor's. It was the place where we'd truly build our intertwined lives, where we'd finish growing up and growing old together. Our goals and dreams would spring from here, and we'd live happily ever after because even if the world around us was in chaos, happiness comes from the inside. Victor taught me that, and once I finally understood it, my outlook changed completely. Life may not always be smooth sailing, but together we can survive any storm and come out smiling on the other side of it.
Before I ran off to explore every corner of the house and garden, there was something I needed to do.
"Thank you," I said.
"For what?"
"For not giving up on me. For being my soulmate and my superhero and my... everything."
Victor leaned down to kiss me, and I let myself melt into his embrace. I closed my eyes, breathing in the soft, sweet scent of coconut sunscreen and relishing the solid warmth of his body against mine. It was comforting and familiar, and it felt like the fulfillment of all my desires. For a moment, I forgot that I was in a foreign country, forgot that I had responsibilities... forgot everything that wasn't the sensation of being held by my husband.
"You are the most amazing person," Victor whispered with his lips still almost touching mine. "I'm lucky, getting to share the rest of my life with you."
I'm the lucky one, I thought. I don't know if I'd even be here to recount this to all of you if it weren't for Victor. I know he'd never take credit for saving me and would probably say I saved myself, but I couldn't have done it without him. I no longer think of repayment, but it's still important to me to show gratitude for everything he's done, and I think the best way I can do that is to appreciate the life he's helped me reclaim and live it to the fullest of my capability.
I stood on tiptoe to kiss him one more time and then, hand in hand, we set out to acquaint ourselves with every detail of our beautiful new home.
#writing#victorsworldadventures#willow creek#willow creek haunted house#victor nelson#yuri okamoto#tw chronic illness#tw medical mention#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #49 (part two)
previously - Journal Entry #49 (part one)
Victor
After my appointment with Dr. Ishida, Mom and I grabbed some lunch and then went to the hospital to see Yuri. My visit with the eye doctor had gone way better than I'd anticipated, and she’d told me some things that'd taken me by surprise. I could hardly wait to tell Yuri everything that happened, and everything I'd learned from the doctor.
When we got to Yuri's room, he was sleeping. He's been sleeping a lot, so that didn't come as much of a shock. His body needs the rest, and even though the amount of sleep he's currently getting is induced by antibiotics, steroids and heavy-duty painkillers, I'm not too worried about it because I know it's helping him.
The thing that does concern me is how slowly he seems to be recovering. The last time he had an infection like this, the antibiotics had worked their magic in about three days. By the end of his fourth day in the hospital, he was able to sit up in bed by himself and swallow some water and a few mouthfuls of meal replacement drink on his own. This time, he's already been in the hospital for four days and they still have to hydrate and nourish him with tubes, and I don't think he's had the strength to sit up since he was admitted.
Mr. Okamoto was there when Mom and I arrived. With the benefit of my partially returned vision, I was able to see how drawn and weary he looked. If I hadn't known better, I might've even said he'd been crying. His eyes were red around the edges, as if he'd been rubbing at them, and there were pronounced dark smudges underneath.
I didn't draw attention to it. I just greeted him and asked how everything was going. He said Yuri had been awake around mid-morning, and they'd talked, but that he'd been in a lot of pain. He drifted off again after a nurse had given him more medication.
The way Mr. Okamoto said he and Yuri had talked made it sound like it hadn't just been meaningless small talk. I was dying to find out exactly what they'd talked about, but I knew better than to ask. It was unlikely my father-in-law would tell me anyway. Maybe Yuri would, when he was ready. It wouldn't do any good to ask him either.
I told Mr. Okamoto that I planned to stay for a while, if he wanted to go home for some food and a nap. He favoured me with a small smile that I could only describe as grateful, nodded, and said he'd be back around dinnertime.
That worked for me, because I needed to be home and fed before Sakura showed up in the evening. I could hardly wait to get Elsa back, as ridiculous as that likely sounds to some of you. I've been worrying incessantly that she'd gotten damaged in our flying tumble down the mountain, and I needed to inspect her for myself. Plus, I needed to tell Sakura about my doctor visit, and ask her if she'd been able to locate Seiji.
Mom decided to leave a few minutes after Mr. Okamoto did. She said it didn't make any sense for her to sit there and watch Yuri sleep, and I agreed. I suggested that she and Julian should go and do some sightseeing or something to take advantage of a free afternoon.
"Ask Uncle Kaz," I said. "He knows all the best things to do in town, and he'd probably love to play tour guide."
"I think Julian wants to go to the onsen," she said. "The indoor one. He wasn't comfortable sitting outside in your yard."
"He knows you have to be completely naked at the public onsen, right?"
Mom looked amused. "I'll tell him."
Yuri and I go naked in our little private hot spring bath behind our house, following the age-old rules of social etiquette for hot springs even though we don't really have to. Our friends do as well, when they're at our place, and it's totally fine. Even in the public onsen, it's not embarrassing at all to be in the buff because nobody's really looking at anyone else, and everyone's too polite to say anything even if they were looking.
"He'll be okay," I said. "I don't want him to be caught off-guard when he gets there, that's all."
She nodded. "I'm sure he'll appreciate the heads-up."
"Have fun," I said. "And don't let Uncle Kaz fill your head with nonsense about local legends and stuff. If it sounds fake, it probably is."
"Good to know," she said. She gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back to pick you up around five-thirty, okay?"
"Okay," I acknowledged. "See you later."
Once Mom made her exit, I took my place next to Yuri's bed, in the chair Mr. Okamoto had been occupying a short time earlier. It wasn't the most comfortable chair, which I knew from having sat in it for hours each day this week, but I reminded myself that my situation could've been a lot worse. At least today I didn't have to hang out in Yuri's rooom with nothing to do but be alone with my own thoughts.
Today, I was able to use my phone. I sent another message to Seiji, which yet again went unanswered, and I spent some time exchanging texts with Fox, who's the only one of our friend group who doesn't currently have a job. He said he and Takahiro hadn't heard from Seiji for several days either. According to him, Taka evidently knew something about it, but for some reason he didn't want to tell Fox anything. That worried me. I didn't want to stress Fox out with my own anxieties, though, so I simply said I'd let him know if Seiji messaged or called me, and he promised he'd do the same if Seiji got in touch with him.
After chatting with Fox, I scrolled through the sports news. I knew there'd been at least two stories about my accident right after it happened because Yuri had seen them and told me. There might've been more, but I wasn't emotionally ready to know, so I didn't search for them. Instead, I looked at hockey scores from back home, watched some epic ski-jumping videos, and read a short article about some hotshot Canadian figure skater who’s training here in Japan now and absolutely owning the podium this season.
The guy’s a Korean-Canadian, judging by his name, and he’s apparently dating a J-pop idol. I didn't know how the bit about the boyfriend was supposed to have been relevant to the news story, but it was mildly interesting, so I decided to bookmark the article so I could read it to Yuri later. He loves J-pop, and he'd probably know who the skater’s boyfriend is.
Yuri would likely recognize the skater's name as well, now that I’m thinking about it. Figure skating is another thing he’s into. He likes looking at the fancy costumes, and undoubtedly also the men in those costumes, although he’d likely never admit that last part to me. I don’t blame him, though. I mean, I don’t care about figure skating all that much, but if it wasn’t already obvious, I kinda have a thing for delicate-looking men, especially the fair-skinned and dark-haired ones like Eden Seong, the skater in the news article.
Don't tell Yuri.
When I got tired of scrolling, I got up and walked around the room a few times. Even though I'm not technically cleared for exercise, I tried a few leg stretches. It felt good to work my muscles, even if only gently.
I was in the middle of a set of knee lifts when I heard the distinct rustling of starchy hospital blankets, and then a small, sleepy whine. Yuri always makes the cutest noises when he first wakes up. It's like he's offended that his consciousness has resurfaced and dragged him away from sleep.
I immediately stopped what I was doing, crossed the room in a few quick strides, and resumed my seat.
"Hi," I greeted him. "Sleep well?"
Yuri peered blearily at me through half-closed eyelids. "Victor...?"
"The one and only," I said. "How are you feeling?"
He frowned adorably. "Is... is that a rhetorical question?"
"No. I really want to know."
"Better?" he said. "No, not really better... but, my pain's not too bad, and I don't feel like my brain is in a fog any more, so... that's something, I guess."
"Your fever's down. I'll bet that makes a difference."
"I wish I was better already," he complained.
"I know you do." As carefully as I could, I brushed my fingertips through his hair and down along his temple and cheek. "Honestly, though, I'm just glad you're improving and that we can be together. I missed seeing you, my sweet boy."
"You... what?" he said. Then, as my words sank in, he reached up to put his hand over mine, and despite how pale and sick he looked, his face lit up with the most beautiful smile. His eyes met mine and he held my gaze. "Wait a second. Victor, are you saying... you can see me?"
“Yeah.” I was suddenly crying for the second time that day, and I wasn’t even bothered by it. "Talk about irony, right? On the day I saw the eye doctor and everything."
"That's amazing news. You have to tell me all about your appointment with the eye doctor."
“I will," I said. "I have a lot to tell you, but I just... I want to look at you for a while, first. You know, our picture on the nightstand was the first thing I saw when I woke up, and then I could hardly wait to see you in person."
“You’ve been sleeping in my bed.” It wasn't really a question. He knows me well enough to realize that's exactly what I'd been doing, just like I knew without him telling me that he'd slept in my bed when I'd been in the hospital.
“It's because I miss you,” I said. “I'm waiting for you to come home and sleep in your bed with me.”
His smile faltered a bit, and he pulled my hand away from his face. He didn’t let go of my fingers, though. “Your cast is scratching me,” he said quietly, sounding half-apologetic.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I want to come home and share a bed with you again too, but it might be a few more days before I can. Maybe a week. I don't know.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll be here with you every day until then."
"You need to take care of yourself," he said. "You need to rest. You're still healing too."
"I'll be resting here," I told him. "What am I going to be doing besides sitting?"
"I saw you exercising."
"Uh... don't tell anyone you saw that."
"You're impossible, Victor," he said. "Don't do it any more until Dr. Sato says you can. Understand?"
I smiled. "Hey, here's a thought. If I stay here with you, then you can keep an eye on me and boss me around as much as you want."
"I'm being serious."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'll be good."
"You'd better be," he said. He stirred uncomfortably, and then nodded toward something on the narrow, wheeled table near the bed. "Do you think you've got enough command of your fingers to use the bed controls? I think I'd like to sit up for a bit, but..."
"Are you allowed to sit?" I inquired.
"Nobody said I'm not allowed. Please? Just for a few minutes? We don't have to tell anyone."
Because I can almost never say no to him, I clumsily pressed buttons on the remote that controlled the elevation of the bed and eventually got it so that the head of the bed was at a comfortable angle for him. He wasn't quite sitting. It was more like reclining, but I reasoned it was better for him that way, since he didn't have to use any of his own power to hold himself upright. I was sure he was pleased to be in a position other than lying flat, like he'd been doing for the last several days.
When I asked if he was okay, he replied that he was. He reached for me again, and I let him curl his fragile little hand around mine.
We sat quietly for a few minutes after that. Yuri played with my fingers, slowly bending and flexing them as much as my casts would allow, and delicately massaging each one. I often let him do that, even before my accident. It feels good, not necessarily because of the movement, but more because he’s touching me by his own choice and doing it with such deliberate care.
I closed my eyes. “You’re so good at hand massages.”
“Do you like it?”
“Yeah. My fingers were stiff. I didn’t realize.”
“You’re not using them enough. Yes, I know you can’t,” he added, before I could point out the fact. “We’ll have to do this every day until you can.”
“You won’t hear me complaining.”
“Nor me,” he said, and then made a little noise of disapproval. “Bring moisturizer tomorrow, though."
"They're that bad?"
"They could be softer," he said. "Bring your nail clippers and file as well. If I’m feeling up to it, I’ll give you a manicure.”
I laughed at that. “A manicure? You really must be on the mend, if that's on your mind.”
"Bring your rings tomorrow too," he said.
"Do you think they'll fit now?"
"Hmm..." he hummed softly as he stroked the top of my ring finger. "I think so, and now you'll be able to see me put them on you."
"Can I put yours on you?" I asked.
"Mine are already on." He looked slightly bemused. “Besides, even if I took them off, how would you propose to put them back on without using your thumbs?"
"Well... you could just slide your rings down your fingers a bit, and then let me slide them back," I suggested. "Or maybe just that one." I gestured at his right hand, with the heavy gold band. "You know, the day we put those on was one of the happiest and the saddest at the same time? Like, being on a video call and watching you open the package and put your ring on yourself was really hard, 'cause I wished I could be there to put it on you. But, I was happy because of the promises we made."
"Me too," he said. "Both those feelings."
"So, can I...?"
He nodded slightly, and smiled in the sweet, shy way that never fails to melt my heart. "Yes, you can. In fact, I think I'd like that very much."
#ts4#sims 4#eagames#snowy escape#victorsworldadventures#victor nelson#yuri okamoto#tw hospital#tw illness#tw chronic illness#tw injury#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #56 (part two)
Journal Entry 56 (part one) // STORY INDEX
Yuri
In other news, Victor and I had a big day yesterday.
We got up early because he had an appointment at the hospital, first thing in the morning, for x-rays on his left arm and a consultation with Dr. Sato. I was glad that I was feeling well enough to come along, because it meant I got to hear Dr. Sato tell him that he's now able to resume all his normal activities. She gave him a letter that stated he was fit to return to work, and a written referral for physiotherapy, and he accepted both as if she'd presented him with a gold medal.
Then, I got to witness the moment when his second cast came off. He cried a little bit when the medical technician pulled the remnants of his cast away and he saw his naked left arm for the first time since January. It was not pretty. His left forearm looked somewhat shrunken compared to the other one, and the skin was sickly pale and peeling in several spots.
Victor couldn't seem to stop staring at it. His voice trembled as he said, 'It... It looks like an old man's arm. The other one didn't look like that."
"The other one was only in a cast for half as long as this one," the technician said. "Don't worry. This is totally normal."
"It doesn't look normal," Victor said.
I was standing at his right side, and I rested my palm on his shoulder. "It'll be okay," I said. I glanced up at the technician briefly, "Right?"
The medical technician smiled. "Yes, it'll be fine. We'll get that arm all cleaned up for you, check your mobility, and then you'll be good to go."
He made his way across the small room to where there was a sink and some cabinets. From a covered box next to the sink, he took out a washcloth, and then he selected a small towel from one of the cabinets. Once he'd made a few more preparations, he came back to us, and proceeded to wash and dry Victor's arm.
"Your arm's getting its very own spa treatment," I commented.
Victor still looked dubious, but he relaxed visibly as his arm began to look less grimy and damaged. It was still thin from disuse, obviously, but having nearly two months' worth of sweat, flaking dead skin and accumulated debris washed off it made a vast improvement in its appearance.
The technician applied moisturizer, and Victor made a face. I laughed. "Spa treatment," I reiterated in a stage whisper.
"You'll want to keep moisturizing a couple of times a day for the next week or so," the technician told him. "It'll help with the elasticity of your skin."
Victor turned to me. "You're the master of moisturizer. You can do that for me."
"Gladly," I said.
The technician checked Victor's mobility next, gently manipulating his wrist, fingers and thumb. He asked if it hurt or was uncomfortable in any way, and Victor said everything felt stiff but not painful. It was only the joint at the base of his thumb that he said was hurting, "A tiny bit."
We were instructed that Victor should take ibuprofen if his thumb continued to hurt for more than the next couple of hours. Then, with a final admonition to take it easy and to not miss any of his physio appointments, the technician released Victor from his care and we were able to go home.
As we walked out of the hospital, I held Victor's left hand. He kept squeezing my fingers gently every so often, possibly to reassure himself that his own were working.
"Everything okay?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said. "I'm just getting used to having both hands back. Letting it sink in, you know?"
By the time we got outside, the reality of having both his hands back must've sunk in completely, because he let go of me and started running around the parking lot like a crazy person, shouting "I'm free!"
I admonished him to calm down, not that I really thought it'd do any good, or that he was even listening. I smiled, watching him burn off his sudden burst of energy and feeling infinitely grateful to have him. I don't mind his nonsense most of the time. That's the sort of thing one has to accept as part of life with Victor. Sometimes he just can't contain himself.
We went home for lunch, where Victor had a grilled cheese sandwich, an apple and soup, and I had my formula and a small piece of apple that he cut off for me. I stole one of the hard maple sugar candies his grandfather had sent him too. I love those. They last a long time if I simply hold them in my mouth and let them dissolve slowly, so I get to enjoy the sugary goodness for a while. Upon reflection, I think I might have an above-average sweet tooth, which probably sounds strange coming from someone who has as complicated a relationship with food as I do.
But, anyway... I digress.
After lunch, Victor had another medical appointment, this time with his ophthalmologist, Dr. Ishida. I was tired, but I was still feeling okay, so I decided to come with him to that appointment as well.
Dr. Ishida reassessed Victor's vision, and she concurred with Dr. Sato that he was fit to do whatever he'd been doing before his accident. Then, she sent us a few doors down the street to the optician's office, so Victor could arrange a time to have his eyes tested for corrective lenses.
As it happened, their in-house optometrist had a cancellation and was able to do it straight away. Victor was beyond excited about that, and happily subjected himself to the optometrist's various tests, all the while chatting nonstop about everything he wanted to do once he got his new glasses. I'm sure the poor optometrist was glad to see the back of him, but she somehow managed to be gracious.
I helped Victor choose a nice set of frames, and was pleased that my earlier prediction was correct. He does look very cute with glasses. His frames are red, of course. I would've been surprised if he'd wanted some other colour.
The optician told us that Victor's glasses would be ready in twenty-four to forty-eight hours. They'd give us a call, she said, and Victor could come back to pick them up and have the fit adjusted, if necessary.
Victor was practically bouncing when we left there. This time, instead of telling him to settle down, I suggested that he should do something to redirect his energy. He decided that he'd like to go for a swim at the fitness centre and since he also needed to give Dr. Sato's letter to Tomiko, his boss. I told him that was a logical choice.
I went with him, not to swim but to cool my feet in the water and admire my gorgeous husband in his swimwear. I love watching him do anything athletic. He's so beautiful and graceful, and he makes it all look so easy.
I'll get back to swimming soon, I hope. I only learned last year, and I want to build up my confidence in the water so I won't be too nervous to enjoy the ocean when Victor and I finally get to take our trip to Sulani. We probably won't be going until later in the summer or in early autumn, but I've already checked with Dr. Kasongo to see if ocean swimming with my tube is allowed, just in case I still have it by then. She said yes, as long as I cover it to keep it safe and we thoroughly clean it afterwards.
Thinking about Sulani makes me happy. I can hardly wait to go. I want to explore everywhere and experience everything I can. Maybe I'll even try some new foods, if I'm feeling especially brave.
Victor says I should try pineapple. Apparently, there are places in Sulani where you can pick your own fruit, and Victor told me all about picking pineapples when he was there last spring. I've never eaten pineapple before, but I like fruit and I like the idea of eating something I harvested with my own hands, so we'll see.
By the time Victor was done in the pool, we were both exhausted and ready for some rest. I went straight to bed as soon as we got back to the house, and I skipped my dinnertime formula, even though I'm not supposed to do that.
Victor also skipped dinner. He got ready for bed and stayed in my room with me, but I think he was still too worked up from the day's events to sleep. He phoned his mother, heedless of how early in the morning it was in her time zone, and lay there cuddling me while he chatted with her on speakerphone. I fell asleep with Victor's hand in my hair, comforted by the nearness of him and by his and Dr. Grace's warm, familiar voices.
This morning, I slept late. Victor prepared my formula for me, and then he propped me up with a bunch of pillows so I could have the tube feeding equivalent of breakfast in bed. He climbed back into bed with me and lay with his head in my lap while I waited for my formula to finish going in. It takes about twenty to thirty minutes, usually. That's perhaps a little longer than it might take a normal person to eat a regular meal, but it's not as if we don't linger at the table for at least half an hour during most mealtimes anyway, so having my formula doesn't interfere all that much with my time during the day.
Victor is fascinated by it, which is a change from how he was when I first got out of the hospital. In the very beginning, he was nervous of it and he was hesitant to touch it. He didn't even like looking at it initially, but I think his curiosity about all things medical finally overpowered his discomfort. Now he wants to know everything about my experience with it.
"Can you feel it going in?" he asked. He trailed a forefinger across my belly, his touch feather-light, a few centimetres below my tube. "Does it feel weird?"
"I can't feel the formula going in, but I know when I'm full," I said.
"Does it feel the same as when you get full from actually eating?"
"Yes," I told him. "Stop tickling my belly, please."
"Sorry," he said, even though he quite evidently wasn't. He let his fingertip slide down toward the waistband of my pyjama pants. "Can I tickle somewhere else?"
"Not until I'm done with breakfast."
He fake pouted. “I guess I can wait till after breakfast, but not much longer than that. I mean, I have two working hands now, and if you’re feeling up to it, I thought we might… you know. Play a little.”
I thought about it, and realized that I was indeed feeling up to it. “As long as you’re gentle and we don’t move around too much.”
“You can just lie there and enjoy yourself, and I’ll give special attention to all your favourite spots, okay?”
“Okay, and then I can give some attention to yours.”
"Sounds good," he said, and hummed with satisfaction.
He rolled away from me and stretched languidly, his muscles rippling fluidly all along his bare upper body and arms. I wanted to touch him, to trace every perfectly sculpted contour of him. Something stirred in me that I hadn’t felt in months, and I was suddenly very impatient for my feeding to be done.
Victor peered up at me. His silver eyelashes fluttered over his half-closed eyes. Oceanic blue, my mother had once described his eye colour. I love that image; eyes the colour of a tropical sea, with a little dusting of silvery clouds above them. I'm often mesmerized by them.
“What?” Victor said.
I blinked. "Excuse me?"
“Your expression changed,” he said. “You… oh. Ohh.”
It was my turn to demand, “What?”
He grinned at me, mischievous and knowing. “You want me.”
I could not deny it.
#writing#victorsworldadventures#yuri okamoto#victor nelson#tw chronic illness#tw injury#tw hospital#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #49 (part four)
previously - Journal Entry #49 (part three)
Victor
When I'd finished recounting the events of my visit with Dr. Ishida, I looked to see if Yuri was still awake. He'd let go of my fingers at some point, and I thought maybe he'd fallen asleep. He hadn't. It appeared as though he'd been hanging onto every word.
I smiled at him. "You doing okay?"
"You're going to look cute with glasses," he said.
"That was your take-away piece?"
The corners of his mouth quirked upward, and I got the impression that he'd be laughing if he had the strength for it. "No, I got everything. Reading, going to university, snowboarding. But, that doesn't change the fact that I think you'll be cute with glasses."
"I'm pretty excited," I said. “I can’t wait to find out how much my reading’s gonna improve. Like, maybe it’s really true that I’m not stupid after all.”
“You’re not stupid,” he said. “Don’t I keep telling you that?”
“Now we can find out for sure.”
“You need to discover it for yourself before you fully believe it, don’t you? I think I can understand that.”
“As soon as I get my glasses, I’m going to read the hardest book I can find,” I said.
Yuri gave me an indulgent look. “Of course you are. I wouldn’t have expected otherwise.”
“Know what I’m going to do after that? I’m going to ask Ellie to send me a couple of her old books from nursing school, and I’m gonna see if I can read those. You know, because… reasons.”
“You’re still wavering between physical therapy and nursing, then?”
“Yeah, but you know one of the big reasons why I was struggling to choose is because I didn’t think I could do all the reading for nursing. I’m still really interested in physical therapy, but I think I’d do better as a nurse. I’m thinking licensed practical nursing, ‘cause it’s more hands-on.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you’d be an amazing nurse,” Yuri said.
“You’d know,” I acknowledged. “You’re probably in the best position to know, actually.”
"Well, now you’ve got to figure out what you really want to do. You obviously can’t stay in Japan to train and compete, and go to university in Canada at the same time."
“Yeah, and there's the haunted house. Depending on what happens, we may or may not end up buying it.”
"Yes, the haunted house," he echoed. "I think we have a lot to talk about."
"When you're feeling better," I said. "I want to figure everything out as soon as we can, but none of it is so urgent that it can't wait a few weeks. I mean, it's still up in the air whether or not I'll be able to compete again anyway. I won't know that until I see Dr. Sato again and have all my scans and stuff."
"Do you really want to compete again?"
"I didn't want to stop,” I said.
"So, I should ignore what you said before?" he asked.
"When? If I said it when I was in the hospital, just assume you can't rely on any of it. Unless I said I love you. That's totally true."
""You're the light of my world. You know that, don't you?" he said. "I know I can always rely on you loving me."
"Just like I know you love me,” I said.
"I do," he said. "Very much. More than anything."
We can decide what to do once we have more information."
"That's reasonable," he said. He was quiet for several seconds, but then he ventured, "There is something we have to talk about now, though."
"If you're feeling well enough, we can."
"If I were feeling well, it'd be a moot point."
I chewed my lower lip, slightly worried about what he might say next. "What's up?"
"Dr. Kasongo and Dr. Shibazaki both think I'm going to need home care."
I remembered that Dr. Shibazaki was the one who'd seen Yuri when his parents and I brought him to the emergency department, and she's still following up with his care. The other doctor, Espérance Kasongo, is Yuri's gastroenterologist. She's the one who's most closely monitoring him, and the one primarily responsble for his care while he's here.
I nodded. "Dr. Kasongo told me."
"What did you say to her? Did you agree?"
"I told her I'd have to wait until I could talk about it with you," I said. "I can't make that decision for you as long as you're capable of making it for yourself. If you want to know what I really think, though, I do agree with her."
The expression on his face was one of betrayal. "You do?"
"I don't like the idea," I said. "If we had a choice, I'd say no because obviously I'd be looking after you myself, but that's not an option right now 'cause I still need help too."
"But, our parents and Uncle Kaz—"
"Mom and Julian have to go home, and I assume Uncle Kaz does as well, so that’ll just leave your parents. We can't expect them to do everything. You know your dad's not going to be able to stay away from the office for too much longer. Plus, he and your mom still have Yuki to look after, and they'll be busy getting ready for the baby, too."
"Kinai," he said. "That's what they're calling him. The baby."
"Your mom says they're going to court to ask a judge to give them full custody of him," I said.
"I think it's a terrible idea, but Papa seems pleased about it."
"They want to adopt him eventually."
"I'm staying out of it," he declared. "I want as little to do with that whole situation as possible."
"Because you don't like babies?"
"Because I don't like Hana," he stated. "She's going to cause as much trouble as she can, and all her nonsense is going to take our parents' time and attention away from me and Yuki. Besides, being anywhere near Hana is stressful. I don't need that."
"No, you don't," I agreed.
He sighed. "I wish you could look after me at home. Then we wouldn't have to worry about asking my parents or anyone else."
"Me too, but you know I need both arms for that."
"I know. It's just... I don't want home care. I don't want some stranger touching me and... and doing intimate things for me."
"People are doing that here," I pointed out.
"I don't like them doing it here, either," Yuri said. "But, our home is my safe place. I don't—"
His voice hitched and he stopped speaking, and then quickly pressed a hand to his mouth to stifle the whimper that was trying to escape.
"It'll be okay," I said.
He stared at me, eyes wide, as if I'd said something truly horrifying. Behind his hand, his voice was barely audible as he insisted, "No... it won't."
I opened my mouth and drew in a breath to say something in reply, but quickly closed it again when I saw tears in his eyes. He was full-on sobbing within seconds, and his attempt to hold it back became a wasted effort.
Yuri crying that way was a sight so rare that it scared me a little, and it quickly occurred to me that he wasn't just being stubborn and wanting his own way when it came to the home care issue. He was absolutely terrified.
I didn't know what to do. My elation of only minutes before was completely gone, and I was beginning to feel useless and overwhelmed again. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I reached out to stroke his forearm. My cast was probably bumping his poor little arm in a less than comfortable way, but I couldn't sit there and do nothing. I couldn't not try to soothe him.
I wanted to tell him everything would be fine, that the home care nurse wouldn't harm him, that nothing bad would happen, but even though that was surely all true, I didn't know if Yuri was in any state to believe it at the moment.
I tried to imagine myself in his position; sick, scared, physically tiny and too weak to defend himself from anyone who might try to do something to him. Add all that to the fact that he's generally touch-averse and also very particular about his hygiene and personal care habits, and the idea of having a stranger come into our home to tend to him suddenly seemed like an invitation to disaster.
When I first came here and moved in with him in his small rented house in Wakabamori, he'd barely let me touch him. The most we could do in the beginning was hold hands or hug briefly, and it'd taken time for him to understand that I wasn't going to hurt him. Ironically, it was when he hadn't been feeling well that he sought physical affection from me for the first time. He'd wandered into my room in the middle of the night and crawled into bed with me, wanting me to hold him. Even then, I didn't hold him too close, and he told me later how much he appreciated that I'd known what to do.
What I hadn't known at the time, and only learned after he felt safe enough to reveal it to me, was that his unwillingness to be touched wasn't due only to his general aversion to physical contact. He'd been traumatized by his former partner's abuse of him, and he'd never truly gotten past it.
And it seems he still hasn't, I thought.
Being hesitant or uneasy or just plain obstinate was one thing, but this...? Yuri's fear was on a totally different level. I'd literally never seen him this emotionally vulnerable, and the worst part for me was that I didn't know how to help him.
"We'll think of something," I said quietly. "We'll make sure your safe place is still safe."
I hoped my promise didn't sound hollow and empty. I didn't want him to feel scared and unsafe in the place that had become a refuge for him, but i also realized we needed support. There had to be a way to make both those things happen.
The problem was, I couldn't think of anything. I was exhausted, and my head was starting to ache, and everything I'd already experienced during the day suddenly felt like... too much.
After what seemed like much longer than it was in reality, Yuri regained some composure. He sniffled, tears mostly subsided at last, and rubbed at his eyes. "I need to lie down."
I nodded, and fumbled with the bed remote until I got it where he wanted it. "Good?"
"Yeah," he said. "I'm sorry for being so much trouble."
"You're no trouble," I assured him. "You need to stop worrying about that, if you can."
"But—"
"If I thought you were too much trouble, would I be here?"
"I suppose not." He wiped his eyes again. "Why does everything have to be so difficult?"
"I don't know, love," I said. "We've survived all our worst days so far, though, and we'll get through this too."
"I don't want any more bad days."
"Me either, but we don't get to decide that."
"I know." He sighed shakily. "I really am sorry."
"For what?"
"You're tired. I can see it," he said. "I didn't mean to burden you with one more thing."
"It's okay," I said. "You were right. We had to talk about it, or at least bring up the subject. But, listen... we don't have to discuss it any more right now. Let me work on it. Maybe there's a solution."
"Okay," he said. Then, after a pause, "I'm glad it went well with Dr. Ishida. I... I didn't mean to kill your mood."
"Don't worry about it. I'm still happy. Just kinda... out of energy, I guess. Today's been a lot."
"Maybe you need a nap."
I didn't fail to catch the not-so-subtle hint, but climbing onto the bed without the use of my arms and also avoiding his IV line would've been next to impossible. "I can nap later, but don't let me stop you if you need one."
"You'll be here when I wake up?"
"Either I will or your parents will," I said. "Sakura's coming over this evening, so Mom's going to come pick me up around five-thirty."
"Oh."
"If you need me to stay, I'll ask Sakura to come another night."
"No," he said. "I'll be fine if my parents are here. It's just... I'll miss you."
"Every moment we're not together, I miss you," I told him.
"Me too," he said. "But, I suppose we have to be reasonable about it. You can go at five-thirty, but if I'm still asleep, wake me up before you leave, please. I want to be awake for my goodbye kiss."
"You don't want me to kiss you while you're sleeping, like in a fairytale or something?"
"My knight in shining armour," he said.
"My prince," I replied, and we both smiled. "I'll wake you up before I leave, but you gotta remember where you are. No saying anything naughty like you do when I wake you up with a kiss at home. You don't want to embarrass me in front of your parents, do you?"
"I don't say naughty things."
"Oh? You think telling me to take my clothes off and get back in bed with you isn't naughty?"
"It isn't," he said, somehow managing to sound completely affronted. "Skin-to-skin contact is very therapeutic and beneficial."
"I guess that includes hands and lips?"
"Mm-hmm," was his soft reply.
"Go to sleep," I said.
He closed his eyes obediently. "Victor?"
"Yeah?"
"We're going to be okay, aren't we?"
I leaned down to kiss him lightly on the forehead. "We're together. There's nothing we can't face together, right?"
"Right."
"I don't know what’s gonna happen, but I'll be with you no matter what. For better or worse, in sickness and health, just like we promised, remember?”
“Just like we promised,” he repeated. "I'm glad you found me. You changed my life. I'm a better person because of you."
"You were an amazing person before I ever came along," I told him. "You think I'd give my whole heart to somebody who wasn't exceptional?"
He didn't answer, but his little smile was enough.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen, but in that moment I told myself it'd all be fine. I wanted to believe it. I still want to believe it, in fact, to the point where I keep repeating it like a mantra in my head. Everything will be fine.
Yuri once told me that a happy outcome doesn't have to be a perfect outcome; all that's needed is for you to be satisfied with it. Time and again, I've seen that he's not wrong. Nothing ever goes exactly the way I envision it, but I'm still happy.
And I guess if that's the standard we're measuring by, everything really will be fine.
#ts4#sims 4#eagames#snowy escape#victorsworldadventures#victor nelson'#yuri okamoto#tw hospital#tw chronic illness#tw injury#tw abuse mention#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #59
Journal Entry #58 // STORY INDEX
Victor
We’ve been having an amazing summer.
Yeah, I know we’ve been neglecting our journal again, but in a way I feel like maybe we’re outgrowing it. We’ve been chronicling our life this way for over a year, and so much has changed for us in that time. So much has changed about us as well. We’re not the same people we were a year ago, and that’s a good thing.
I started this journal for fun because I wanted to do some travelling that wasn’t connected to a snowboarding competition, and I thought it'd be cool to document my adventures. I did get to go to Sulani, but in hindsight, now I see how unrealistic it was to think I’d be jetting frivolously all around the globe.
But, starting the journal wasn’t a wasted effort by any means. Looking back on it, it’s a reminder of how far Yuri and I have come, what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown as individuals and as a couple. I love us, and I'm proud of the progress we’ve made together.
It’s been interesting to share a part of our story with everyone, but I feel like we’re moving into a different stage of our life now. I don't know if we'll keep recording our journey like this in the future. We'll see.
Anyway, we're still doing it for now, so let me pick up where I left off back in June.
After Mom and Julian's wedding, Yuri and I had a few days together before he and his family returned to Japan. I had a great time showing them around, and I think Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto fell in love with Willow Creek a little bit, because they said they wanted to come back for a longer visit in the near future. Yuki's favourite thing was actually the amusement park in nearby Newcrest, and her parents really seemed to enjoy the scenic walking trails and the farmers market.
Before they left, Mr. Okamoto asked me if I'd like to stay with them when I returned to Mt. Komorebi instead of moving back into Uncle Kaz's house for what might end up being only a couple of months. My knee-jerk reaction was to say no, but I'm glad I managed to keep that to myself. The offer did make a lot of sense, after all. If Yuri and I both stayed with his parents, we wouldn't have to pay rent on top of our mortgage payment for the haunted house, and we could pack up the rest of our stuff so we'd be ready to leave whenever we reasonably could. I just didn't know how I'd feel, being in such close proximity to my in-laws for an extended period of time.
I told Mr. Okamoto I'd think about it and get back to him, and he seemed satisfied with that.
Grandpa Michael also hung around in Willow Creek for a while after the wedding. I said he could stay with me, but he declined, claiming the house would be too crowded with all Yuri's family members staying there too. I found that a little odd at first, until I discovered that he somehow managed to hook up with someone at the wedding and got invited to stay in her guest room for a few nights.
"She's a younger woman, and she’s hot," he told me confidentially. "Her name's Juliet. How about that?"
"Uh... how much younger are we talking?" I asked.
"She's sixty-six."
"Don't you think you're moving kinda fast? Like, sleeping over at her place after you literally just met her?"
"Listen," Grandpa Michael said. "At my age, you gotta move fast so you don't miss the good opportunities."
He's seventy-three. If he was in a contest for old people who move fast, he'd probably win a medal.
Still, he deserves to find happiness and have fun. It’s been seven years since my grandma passed away, and I’m pretty sure he’ll never stop loving her, but seven years is a long time to be alone if you’re used to being with somebody. If he feels like he's ready to get back into the dating scene, who am I to tell him not to?
When I met the aforementioned Juliet a couple days later, I totally understood the attraction. Although ‘hot’ wasn’t exactly the first word that sprang to mind, I could definitely see why Grandpa Michael would think so. She was elegant and confidently attractive in the way women are when they embrace aging with grace instead of engaging in a useless battle with it. I could easily imagine her being a knockout in her younger days. When she was my age, I bet she turned every head in every room she stepped into.
Beyond my initial impression of Juliet Picard, I was startled to realize I recognized her. She was the woman who'd been in charge of all the flowers for the wedding. Turns out she owns a florist shop called Hearts and Flowers, which happens to be down the street from Mom and Julian's clinic. Coincidentally, the flower shop also occupies the same building as the flat where Davian St-Jean, a friend of mine from high school, lives.
I used to say Willow Creek was the most boring place on Earth, that nothing ever happens there, but that's when I was viewing it through the eyes of a guy who thought events didn't have much meaning unless they were big and exciting and important to everyone. I was wrong about that. Sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing carries the most weight.
A lot happens in Willow Creek. It's a town of connections, of opportunities small and large, the sort of place where a chance interaction could change the course of somebody's life in ways they might never have been able to imagine.
I mean, I was in Willow Creek when I met Yuri. Sitting alone in my sparsely -furnished unit at the Sage Estates apartment complex, scrolling through a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts, I had no idea I was going to see a photo of this impossibly cute Japanese boy doing a silly pose with his board. My impulsivity made me message him, and his curiosity made him message back. Prior to that day, if anyone had suggested I would meet my soulmate through a random encounter on the internet, I think I would've laughed out loud.
But now? Don't tell me stuff doesn't happen in Willow Creek. Dreams are born there, and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind about that again.
The day after Yuri and his family headed home, Grandpa Michael and I departed for Brindleton Bay. He returned his rented car, and then Juliet met us for breakfast and dropped us off at the bus station afterwards.
"I'll be back," he told her as we were about to board the bus, and I swear it was totally dramatic, like something out of a movie. He was dead serious, though, so I had to do my best not to laugh.
"I'll be looking forward to it," she said.
I reached into my bag and pulled out the keys to the house. "Here," I said, handing them to my grandpa. "Consider my place your place until Yuri and I come back. Feel free to use it any time."
He grinned at me, and for a split second I could've sworn I saw the face of a man half his age. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll enjoy that heated swimming pool, and your fabulous kitchen. I'll make myself at home."
"Go for it," I said. "Just don't use the red mug, and don't sleep in the basement bedroom."
Juliet raised an eyebrow. "What an odd thing to say."
"It's only odd if you don't know about the ghost," I told her.
"The ghost?"
"Victor's house is haunted," Grandpa Michael said cheerfully. "Cool, don't you think?"
"Really?" Juilet looked intrigued. "Well, I can't wait to see that."
"Victor, I presume I'm allowed to have houseguests?"
"Go for it," I said. "Far be it from me to cramp your style."
He winked at Juliet. "Heated swimming pool."
"Oh, lord..." she responded, but she was laughing. "I think I'll have to keep him, Victor. I wouldn't want to unleash him on anyone else."
"Consider me kept." Grandpa Michael put the keys into his own bag, and then gave me a thumbs up. "Just let me know when you're coming back. I'll make sure I'm there, so you can get in."
"Don't worry," I said. "Mom has the other set of keys. We'll be able to get in. I'll let her know you'll be coming and going, though. We don't want her to think somebody's trying to break into the place."
"Imagine explaining that to the police," he said, and the look on his face implied he'd very much enjoy stirring up a little trouble like that.
Mom says I'm just like Grandpa Michael. She's probably not wrong. Aside from sharing an almost obsessive passion for snow sports and being international competitors — he was a world champion slalom skiier back in the day — we have the same love for food, the same enjoyment of being with other people, the same sense of humour and, I think it's safe to say, the same impulse control issues.
I love him. I mean, I love my other grandparents too, but I think I have a deeper bond with Grandpa Michael than with the others. We get each other on a fundamental level.
We had a blast during the week I spent in Brindleton Bay with him. We passed a lot of our time at the local fitness center, and every morning we had tea and breakfast with his friends at a café in town. His friends are awesome, for the record. After the first day, I kind of forgot I was hanging out with guys in their seventies. One afternoon, we all played golf together, and on another day we went deep-sea fishing with one of the friends who owns a boat.
When we weren't socializing, we managed to get loads of yard work done, and we did plenty of cooking. Oh man... the cooking. It was so nice not to have to worry about ingredients and portion sizes and making sure everything had the right balance of protein and carbs. We cooked whatever we felt like having, and trust me, we had a lot of it. I'm pretty sure I've never eaten so much in a week in my entire life. With my belly full, I slept like a dead man every night, and it was absolutely satisfying.
On the evening before my flight back to Japan, Grandpa Michael and I were sitting on his back doorstep, drinking some fruit juice and staring out at the ocean. If I thought sunsets over the lake in Granite Falls were beautiful, let me tell you they've got nothing on sunsets over the ocean. The last time I'd seen anything like that, I'd been in Sulani, but somehow this was better. It wasn't that the sunset itself was any more gorgeous, but because I was seeing it with someone I care about and who I know cares about me.
"It's been a long time since I got to sit here and enjoy this with another person," my grandfather said, as if he were reading my thoughts.
"I'm glad I get to watch it with you."
"Me too," he said. "I hope you'll come back here more often, once you're all settled into your new home. Bring your husband too. He seems like a sweet little fellow."
I laughed at that, thinking about how Yuri would respond to being referred to as 'a sweet little fellow'. He'd probably love it, and I could picture him blushing.
"I will," I promised. "But I guess you'll be coming to Willow Creek more often now too, won’t you? So we'll have extra chances to see each other."
"Hmm..." Grandpa Michael leaned back in his chair and stretched his long legs out in front of him. "I never thought I'd find someone I wanted to be with after your grandmother. I didn't think I'd ever want to love anyone that way again, honestly, but I might have changed my mind."
"You think love at first sight is a thing?"
"No," he said. "You never want to say 'love' too quickly, but it's okay to think about it, and I've got a good feeling."
I smiled. "I'm really glad you met Juliet."
"So am I. She made me remember that being alive and living life aren't the same thing," he said. "You know, it's easy to give up on living when you feel like you've lost your reason to live. But, I think we forget that we've got more than one reason. There's more to live for than that one person or thing we lost."
I thought about Yuri. He'd been at his lowest point this past winter, and for a while I'd really been afraid that he'd given up on wanting to be alive, not just on living. Nothing I said or did seemed to matter, and it was scaring me more than anything else ever had. But then, just when I was wondering what would become of him, of us and the future we’d planned, his reminder to live came from the most unlikely source; his father.
If somebody asked me to guess who'd save Yuri in the end, I never would’ve predicted it’d be his dad. Their relationship was practically non-existent up until this year.
It’d taken some pretty horrible events to make them take the first tiny steps toward fixing their broken trust, but all the pain and suffering was worth it if Yuri and his dad learned how to communicate with each other. They’ve both found hope and renewed determination to make the most out of their time in the world, and I’m thankful.
Since March, their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds, and it's been truly amazing to observe. Yuri is happier than I've ever known him to be. He's looking forward, rather than being stuck in a bubble of self-pity and going nowhere. Even the smallest things seem to bring him joy now, and I can't even begin to describe how full my heart is over that.
I want this to last. I want him to be happy forever, and I don't even care if I'm not the catalyst. Seeing him happy makes me happy. The reason for it doesn't matter, as long as he's thriving.
Of course, I'm enough of a realist to get that it's not always going to be sunshine and strawberry milkshakes. Yuri's chronic illness will never go away, so it's inevitable that he'll have bad days or weeks. Plus, we're doubtless going to have to deal with difficult stuff that's completely unrelated to Yuri's health.
That having been said, I'm of the opinion that happiness is a state of being. Like, even if we're not constantly cheerful and we're navigating scary or unpleasant situations, we can still be happy. There's always something to be grateful for, always one more reason to keep on living, and that's what I want for Yuri. My wish for him is that he'll finally understand happiness is something he can choose for himself, and even if everything around him is dark and bitter, he can still find his own metaphorical sunshine and strawberry milkshakes on the inside.
When I shared that with Grandpa Michael, he told me he was proud of me and said I should be proud of myself too.
"You've grown up a lot since you've been away," he commented.
"Thanks. I've had a lot of people helping me."
"Other people can only get you so far. You have to want to do it."
"I don't know if I wanted to," I confessed. "Being an adult is hard. Part of me wishes I could just stay a kid forever, Know what I mean?"
"Believe it or not, I do," he said. "But you know what they say. You don't have to stop playing just because you're growing up."
With that in mind, I've made it my mission to get in as much playtime as possible this summer and to bring as many people along with me on my adventures as I can.
I made up my mind to stay with my in-laws when I got back to Mt. Komorebi, and I have no regrets. Yuri and I have been filling our days with all kinds of activities from long walks on the mountain trails, to visiting local museums and galleries, to picnic lunches by the lake near his parents' house. I returned in time for the Festival of Snow, and the whole family went to it together. We were out all day, and it was even more fun than last year.
A few weeks ago, Yuri and I took a weekend trip to Kyoto for shopping, sightseeing, and a classical music concert. Yuri convinced me to go back to the spa we went to on the day before we got married, and afterwards we bought dango from a street vendor and ate it in the little park where we had our wedding pictures taken.
We've been spending time with our friends as well, and it probably goes without saying that Sakura and I are training on the mountain as much as we’re reasonably able to. Last week, Yuri told me that he thought he was finally feeling strong enough to get back on his board, so I called Sakura and asked her if we could skip training for the day so I could take Yuri snowboarding. She sounded only too glad to oblige, and said she might come out to join us, if Yuri didn't mind. He said he didn't, so Sakura met us at the intermediate slope, and the three of us had one of the most wonderful mornings I've had in a long time.
Yuri was exhausted by the time we were done, but even more importantly, he was hungry. He practically begged me to take him to a local ramen house for his favourite meal of the moment, kake udon. That's a kind of mild noodle soup that can be served with different toppings like tofu, sliced fish or shrimp tempura. Yuri likes it with scallions and fish. He somehow talked me into buying him strawberry daifuku as well, and then he didn't even share them with me. Like... the nerve! When it became clear I wasn't going to get even a bite of one of his, I had to order my own. I pretended to protest, but I was secretly thrilled, if you really want to know.
Yuri's been doing so good with his eating that Dr. Kasongo thinks she might be able to remove his feeding tube by the end of the year. He officially finished the first phase of his nutrition rehabilitation therapy in mid-July, so that means no more food intelligence classes and no more weekly visits with the nutritionist and psychologist.
He's happy about not having to meet with the psychologist every single week, but he's nervous about not seeing the nutritionist as regularly. She's been like a safety net for him, I think. He had to be accountable to her, and now he's worried that he's not going to be able to do it without her encouraging, reminding, and occasionally scolding him about his food intake and eating choices. He's supposed to continue with his daily food diary, and at this point he's supposed to start planning his own weekly menu or at least contributing to the planning of a family menu. He has a short consultation with the nutritionist every two weeks, usually ten or fifteen minutes by video call, so he can go over his food diary and meal plans with her. It's nothing like his previous hour-long weekly in-person sessions, and he's stressed.
Everyone in the family is cheering him on, though. We all know he can do it.
His current goal is to go sixty consecutive days without a single tube feeding. That, and his general overall health, are the criteria for having the tube removed. He looked like he was about to panic when the doctor told him that, and on the way home from his appointment he cried while telling me he didn't think he was ready to go sixty days in a row.
"It's okay," I said. "If you're not ready yet, that's not a bad thing. Just do the best you can."
"But, I'll be delaying our move even more if I can't do this," he said.
"No, you won't. We've got the date for your first appointment with Dr. Kim now, don't forget. We can move any time between now and then, and if you still have your tube when we move, I'm sure Dr. Kim can take it out just as easily as Dr. Kasongo could."
As a matter of fact, he'd received the email from Dr. Kim, the gastroenterologist at Willow Creek Regional Hospital, just the day before we last saw Dr. Kasongo. Yuri's initial appointment with Dr. Kim is scheduled for the twenty-second of October. While I wanted to leave Japan before autumn, I had to acknowledge there really was no rush, and if we didn't get to Willow Creek until mid-October, that would still be fine.
When we got back to Yuri's parents' house, we told them all about how it'd gone with Dr. Kasongo. Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto agreed that it was okay if Yuri didn't think he was ready to commit to the sixty-day home stretch yet, but they also said they were confident in his ability.
Yuki, who had overheard part of the conversation, later offered the helpful suggestion of making a sticker chart. "So every day you go without formula, you get to put a sticker on it, and at the end, you get a big reward!"
I thought she meant the 'big reward' was having his tube taken out, but Yuki had something else in mind. She conspired with her mother to create the most fantastic sticker chart I've ever seen. They drew it on poster board, and blocked it with six rows of ten squares each. Every tenth square had 'reward' written on it, and the sixtieth square boldly proclaimed 'BIG REWARD!!!' in alternating yellow and pink letters, Yuri's favourite colours. They bought an assortment of stickers for him to use on it, including ones with pink ice cream, seashells, glittery rainbow stars, cute baby animals, and — to his obvious delight — sparkly musical instruments, including violins.
"Look at this, Yuri. We have a plan," his mother said, as she went about hanging the chart on the wall in the kitchen. "Whenever you're ready to start counting your sixty days, let me know, and I'll give you the stickers."
To my surprise, it was less than a week later when he told her he was ready to begin.
Today is the ninth of August. We're on day eight of the first ten days today, and the full sixty days will bring us up to the first of October. We’ll be sure to keep you informed about how it’s going, but so far, so good.
We're tentatively planning our move for the middle of September, and I'm cautiously optimistic. Everyone who's watching this, please wish us luck.
There are people who say luck isn't really a thing, and that we can only get ahead by persistence and hard work, but I think it's a combination of the two. Like, I think it's true that our own efforts and our determination to succeed is the real driving force, but who would ever say no to a serendipitous stroke of luck? Even the hardest worker needs a helping hand now and then, and I'm not too proud to accept a well-meant wish for good fortune and success.
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Journal Entry #56 (part one)
Journal Entry #55 (part two) // STORY INDEX
Yuri
Hello everyone.
I feel like it's been forever since I've recorded an update, or since I've recorded a sensible one, at least.
I'm more than a little embarrassed that I ended up posting my last one. Sharing it hadn't been my original plan, and my only excuse is that I uploaded it in a moment of poor self-control. Maybe I just wanted someone to feel as sorry for me as I was feeling for myself, or perhaps I thought it'd make me feel better to scream into the proverbial void.
In any case, I'm sorry.
Am I feeling better? The answer to that is complicated.
I assume Victor has told you about my G-tube? Once I didn't have any more pain from the surgery and my incision began to heal, I really did start feeling better physically. I'm able to be up and around for several hours at a time on most days, and I'm getting some of my strength back.
I'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous until my incision is fully healed, but I can do light housekeeping tasks like dusting furniture, washing dishes, and folding laundry, and I can manage all my own personal care now. I can finally give my poor neglected skin and hair the attention they deserve, and as soon as I'm up to it, I'm going for the most expensive and luxurious spa day anyone could possibly imagine. Manicure, pedicure, therapeutic massage, aromatherapy bath, facial... everything. Victor's already teasing me about it, naturally, but I don't mind.
Once I came home from the hospital after my surgery, Victor and I both got used to our new routine in practically no time at all. I was worried that Victor would be upset and stressed by the whole thing, and perhaps he was for the first day or two, but he seemed to relax when he realized how well I was coping.
Honestly, I've surprised myself a little with that. In the hospital, the nurses taught both Victor and me everything about the use and care of my tube, and I think at that point we all assumed Victor would be helping me tend to it a majority of the time. But, as it happens, I've been doing it almost entirely on my own, and it's... liberating. Yes, that's definitely the word. It's empowering to take charge of something, even if it isn't particularly important to anyone but me.
Usually, I have my formula while Victor eats, so we still share mealtimes. I can still eat and drink the usual way, so we enjoy our tea together as well, and sometimes I'll even have a small bite of whatever Victor's having. He's not allowed to feed me any more, though. The rule is that if I want to taste some of his food, I have to feed myself.
That may have been the most difficult adjustment for both of us, actually. We were put to our first test only a couple of days after I got home, when Victor made himself a fruit salad to go with his sandwich at lunch.
If I had to pick a favourite food, strawberries and peaches would be tied for top spot, and I'll confess, it was the aroma of the freshly cut strawberries that got me. That, and watching Victor handle chopsticks with his non-dominant hand. He made it look so effortless, and I marvelled at how quickly he'd mastered using them with his right hand.
The only thing at the table more beautiful and appealing than those plump, red strawberries in my husband's fruit salad was my gorgeous, talented husband, and I couldn't take my eyes off either one.
"Maybe it's a good thing you're not eating," Victor commented. His eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at me, strawberry-laden chopsticks raised halfway to his mouth.
"What?" I stammered. "Why?"
"Because," he said. "You look so distracted, you'd probably drop half the stuff you tried to pick up."
"Oh. Sorry."
"You okay?"
"Yes," I said. "I'm just looking at your, ah... your strawberry."
Victor laughed out loud at that. "Mr. Okamoto-Nelson, are you trying to flirt with me?"
I could feel heat crawling up my neck and over my face. "Well, no. Not really. I'm literally looking at your strawberry. Could I... can I have it? Please?"
He flicked a glance down at the strawberry caught between his chopsticks, as if he was considering my request. Then he said, "Sure, you can have it," and reached across our tiny dining table toward me.
I started to lean forward out of habit, imagining he'd just pop the piece of fruit into my mouth. And then I remembered.
Victor must've realized at exactly the same time I did, because he abruptly drew his hand back. He dropped the strawberry onto the now-empty plate his sandwich had been on, and slid it across the table toward me with a murmur of, "Sorry."
The moment was jarring, and I almost changed my mind about eating the sweet fruit, but then I told myself that it wouldn't be polite to reject it after I specifically asked for it. I lifted my own chopsticks, thankful that Victor had the foresight to set out a pair for me, and plucked up the strawberry.
"You can do it," Victor said, his voice soft, as if I were engaged in some sort of contest and he didn't want to break my concentration.
I put the strawberry in my mouth, and I think I might've been close to tears with how intense the flavour was. I'm not sure why, but maybe it had something to do with not having performed the physical act of eating for well over a week. Without meaning to, I made a sound that was... Suffice it to say, it was the sort of sound Victor typically hears from me in a room other than the kitchen.
Victor was gazing at me with interest. "Okay, then. I guess you really were looking at my strawberry."
"Mm-hmm."
He pitched his voice low, and in a tone far too seductive for lunchtime on a Wednesday, asked, "Did you like it? Wanna do it again?"
I lost it, and my laughter must've been contagious because for the next minute or so, Victor and I could barely catch our breaths. My stomach was hurting by the time we both calmed down, but despite that, I felt good. Better than I'd felt in weeks, in fact. And I did eat another strawberry, which earned me a kiss from my husband who tasted slightly of strawberries too.
And before you ask, yes. 'Looking at one's strawberry' is now a playful inside joke between Victor and me, a euphemism for something entirely unrelated to fresh fruit.
Since then, I've eaten other foods, but for the most part I'm happier just to have my formula. The goal is for me to be able to eat normally and independently without the tube in the near future, but we're going to work up to that. For now, I only have to put food in my mouth when I'm comfortable doing so, which admittedly, isn't all that often. Honestly, it's been a huge relief not to have to worry about eating. It's taken an enormous load off me psychologically, which allows me to focus on other things.
There are plenty of other things to focus on. As relieved as I am not to have to struggle with food for the time being, my tube isn't a miracle cure for all my problems. There are still times when I don't want to do anything at all, even though I know I'm capable of it, and I still go to bed some nights vaguely hoping it'll be the last time.
When I feel that way, I tell Victor about it, and he does his best to reassure me. I didn’t want to talk about it with him at first, didn’t want to burden him, but I remembered what Mama had told me about keeping secrets. “A marriage can’t survive too many secrets,” she’d said, and I decided I needed to do my part to protect the bond Victor and I share, even if what I had to do would be hard.
It’s still not easy for me to open up about some subjects, but it’s getting somewhat less difficult with time and practice. I don’t think I could do it at all with anybody but Victor. He knows me better than anyone, and I trust him.
Oh… and since we’re on the subject of trust and sharing confidential information, I should probably finish telling you about my nutrition rehabilitation therapy, shouldn't I? In addition to working with the nutritionist and Dr. Kasongo, I've started seeing a psychologist, and believe me when I say that component of my therapy is not my idea of a good time.
There's no sense in mincing words; I hate it, and I don't think it's doing much good. Victor would likely say I need to give it a chance, considering that I've only been to two sessions with the psychologist so far, but I'm not certain I really want to.
As Victor might say, I'm not going to lie. I don't like the psychologist. He makes me uncomfortable and reminds me vaguely of my high school physical education teacher. That teacher was the sort of person who'd laugh and make fun of a student for not being able to catch a ball or for always finishing last in races instead of encouraging them and showing them how they could do better.
The psychologist gives off that same energy. I'm afraid to tell him my deepest thoughts. I don't trust him and I don't want to be judged by him for my anxiety and fear of something as inherent to life as eating. I'm not sure he'd even understand it anyway. Very few people do, but at least some try to, and those are the people I'd rather allow into my private life.
But, regardless of my feelings about the psychologist, I've resolved to keep seeing him because Victor really wants me to, and I don't want to disappoint him. It'll only be for a couple of months anyway, just until our move. I'm sure I can endure an hour a week with the man till then, and perhaps once Victor and I are settled in Willow Creek, I'll be able to find someone I actually like and who I might be able to build some trust with. I mean, I do understand the point of psychological therapy, and I might be willing to work at it if I thought I was being supported by someone who cares about my well-being.
If I could pick my ideal therapist, it wouldn't be a man. I'd choose a woman, preferably someone around my mother's age, and perhaps with a soft voice like hers as well. She'd be someone I could feel safe with, and who I might eventually start thinking of as an honorary auntie, if that makes sense. I don't think that's too high an expectation, do you?
But, enough about that. Besides my ongoing health issues, a lot has happened since the last time I was able to record a journal entry, and I'm not even sure where to start describing it all. I know Victor has been keeping our journal up-to-date, so perhaps I'll just hit the high points of what's been going on since his last entry.
I suppose the most significant bit of news is that Victor and I are officially uncles. Our nephew Kinai was born a week ago, on the fourteenth of March. He entered the world eight days past his due date, for anyone who cares about that sort of thing, and according to my mother, he's a very big newborn at 4.1 kilograms. Apparently, that's nearly three times as big as me when I was born. Mama says I was only 1.4 kilograms, which probably isn't all that surprising, considering I arrived dangerously early. She used words like 'solid' and 'thriving' to describe Kinai, which I'm sure are descriptors that never would've been applied to me during my first days of life. I was probably 'fragile' and 'high-risk'.
Personally, I couldn't care less how much Kinai weighs, how chunky he is, or whether he's got Hana's nose or Ren's ears. My plan is to stay as uninvolved as possible. If you want the truth, I'm quite literally repulsed by anything that has to do with my sister Hana and her deplorable boyfriend Ren, and although I know it's not Kinai's fault that he has monsters for parents, I really don't have any interest in interacting with him in any case.
Victor knows how I feel, but we only talked about it once because I don't think it'd be very nice of me to keep bringing it up and dampening his enthusiasm. He's thrilled about being an uncle, and I love seeing how excited and happy he is. I don't want to take that joy away from him.
Victor has already been to my parents' house to meet Kinai, and I think he fell in love with him at first sight. My parents are absolutely smitten with their grandson too, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you how Auntie Yuki is taking the situation. She's positively over the moon.
As for Hana, she was quick to flee as soon as she got out of the hospital. Initially, we thought she might try to cause trouble over Mama and Papa's intention to seek an order for custody of Kinai, but she shocked us all when she said it didn't matter to her who took him, as long as she didn't have to deal with it. Our parents had already engaged a lawyer, and she was able to draw up some sort of document for Hana and Ren to sign that effectively stated they relinquished all custodial rights to Kinai. I don't think Mama and Papa even needed to go to court at all.
According to Yuki, our resident source of family gossip, Ren's parents didn't object to our parents getting custody of Kinai. I figured it was because the judge and his wife are quite a bit older than Mama and Papa and they didn't want to take on the responsibility of raising another child at this point in their lives, but Yuki had a completely different theory.
"Know what I think, Yuri?" she asked. There was a conspiratorial little gleam in her eyes that can only be produced by a precocious ten and a half year old who thinks she's more clever than most of the adults around her.
Our parents had dropped Yuki off earlier that day, to have dinner and spend the night at our place. She was standing on a step-stool at the counter, watching me prepare my formula, while Victor was at the other side of our small kitchen cutting up chicken and vegetables to make stir-fry for her and himself.
"What do you think?" I responded.
"I think Ren's parents didn't want Kinai because they don't really believe he's their grandson," she said.
That was an angle that hadn't occurred to me. It obviously hadn't occurred to Victor either, because he set his knife down and turned in our direction. "What makes you think that, Yuki-chan?" he asked.
"Because," Yuki said. "I overheard Papa talking to Ren's father about a DNA test. I watch television. I know what DNA tests are for. And I know for sure it was Ren's father Papa was taking to because he called him by name."
"So, you think your dad wants Ren and Kinai to have a DNA test to prove whether they're related or not?" Victor said. "You think Judge Kitagawa's gonna go for that?"
"I think it was the judge's idea," said Yuki. "I think he wants to make Ren do it."
"Talk about legal drama," Victor said.
I don't think there'll be much legal drama on that front. If the judge is serious about wanting to prove Kinai's paternity, Ren isn't going to have much say in the matter. I'm not closely acquainted with Nori Kitagawa, but I do know him well enough to say with confidence that I wouldn't dare to disobey an order from him. Ren may be thuggish and stupid, but even he isn't dumb enough to contradict the judge when he means business. Plus, Ren can't run or hide from him now.
If anyone were to ask me, I think the real legal battle might come from that American couple with whom Hana and Ren had been trying to arrange the so-called private adoption. Yes, the people who wanted to name the baby Arrow. I'm sure Victor has told you all about that. Of course, it's just speculation on my part. I have no idea how the American family might react. We'll have to wait and see.
I may not know anything for certain about my parents' potential legal troubles, but something I can tell you about is the tangled mess Hana is in. The judge was not inclined to be dismissive when it came to the theft of his vehicle and credit cards and his wife's expensive jewellery, nor was Uncle Kaz well pleased about Hana breaking into the home Victor and I have been renting from him. It's no secret that Mama and Papa are making her take full responsibility for her actions, and that they aren't going to try to pull any strings on her behalf. We all know that taking responsibility isn't something Hana excels at, and I think she ran because she's ashamed to face any of them.
Currently, none of us knows where she is. It's safe to assume she hasn't left Japan because the police still have her passport, as far as I know, but she's definitely not anywhere in the town of Mt. Komorebi. She's got a handful of serious criminal charges against her now, and my guess is that she's with friends in Kyoto, probably trying to concoct some sort of scheme to get out of the legal nightmare she's created for herself.
Before I move on from the judicial updates, there's even more news that I'd be remiss if I didn't mention. We may not know Hana's whereabouts, but I'm able to say with satisfaction that we know where Ren Kitagawa is. He is in jail, which in my opinion is exactly where he belongs.
Ren's trial for assaulting Victor at the fitness centre was supposed to have started on the twenty-eighth of February, but due to Victor's accident and our concerns that he wouldn't be well enough to go to court and testify by then, the court agreed to push the trial date forward until the first week of May. We agreed because we really didn't have much choice, but that date gave Victor and me just as much anxiety as the February one did. We're leaving the country on the fifteenth of May and we were worried that any further complications in the process would interfere with our move.
In the end, fortune must've been on our side. The very day in February that the trial was originally scheduled to begin, Victor received a phone call from someone at the office of Kensatsu-chō — the public prosecution service — who told him that Ren had decided to change his plea to guilty. They explained that the matter would proceed directly to sentencing, which was scheduled for the tenth of March, and they asked if Victor and I wanted to be there. Victor told them no. Neither of us had any desire to make a trip to the district court in Kyoto for that.
We found out later that Ren was sentenced to eighteen months' imprisonment. Papa speculated that he probably won't serve the entire time in a jail cell, but that he'll be let out about a third of the way through and then spend the rest of the time on supervised release. From what I understand, that's basically house arrest. At this point, though, I don't even care. Victor and I will be long gone before he gets out, and we'll be far enough away that he'll never be able to hurt either of us again.
I thought I'd have a completely different set of emotions upon learning that Ren is locked up and being punished for what he did. I imagined I'd feel vindicated, that I'd be happy and excited and in a mood to celebrate, but that's not how it was at all. The moment we hung up from that phone call, I just clung to Victor and cried because I was so relieved.
All I remember about the following few minutes was Victor holding me as tightly as he could with his one good arm and murmuring into my hair, "It's all right, Yuri. The worst is over. We're going to be okay."
I might not have been able to believe that before, but each day I'm finding myself a little more hopeful that the worst really is over. I don't expect my life to be perfect, or even what most people would call normal, but I'll happily settle for being okay.
#writing#victorsworldadventures#yuri okamoto#victor nelson#tw chronic illness#tw therapy#tw justice system#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #49 (part one)
previously - Promises
Victor
You guys! I can see!
Okay... I can sort of see. Everything's still kind of fuzzy, but I woke up this morning, rolled over in bed and realized that the picture of Yuri and me that he keeps on his nightstand didn't look like just a bunch of yellow, beige and black smudges any more.
Yeah... I've been sleeping in Yuri's bed. He's been in the hospital since Tuesday, and despite the house being full of people, I'm lonely without him. Sleeping in his bed helps comfort me a little. Besides, the only other place for me would be back on the shikibuton in the dining room, and Uncle Kaz says he’s already made himself too comfortable in there for us to switch.
I know you’re all wondering about Yuri. I'll explain all about his situation in a minute, but I gotta tell you about this morning first, because I’m too excited about it to save telling about it for later.
I stared at the picture for several seconds. Then, just to make sure I was really seeing it, I deliberately opened and closed my eyes a bunch of times, and focused on the picture each time I opened them. Even though I knew it wouldn't change anything, I pressed gently on my eyelids with my fingertips and probably sounded like I was losing my mind as I mumbled, "You guys better keep working. Understand?"
They did. The final time I opened my eyes, I could still see the photo, somewhat blurry but recognizable as the image of myself and Yuri that had become familiar to me.
I yelled so loud for my mom that I think she must've thought something was wrong and panicked. The good thing was, she was already awake and I didn't startle her out of her sleep. I knew she was already up because she and Julian have been sleeping in my room, which is just across the hall, but I could hear her literally running up the stairs. She was shouting my name just as loudly as I was calling for her. We probably woke up everybody else in the house, but I didn't care.
Mom burst through the door with an exclamation of, "Victor! What's the matter?"
I could see the details of her face for the first time since she'd arrived, and I just gotta say, my mom is beautiful. I held out my arms to her. There were already tears running down my face, but I somehow managed to get out, "I can see. I... I can see you."
She hurried to me and pulled me into a hug, and we both spent a few minutes crying while she held me.
"What happened?" she asked, after we’d both calmed down and caught our breath. She wiped tears from my cheek with her thumb, and I leaned into her hand a little, remembering how she used to do that when I was a kid.
"I'm not sure," I said. "I guess the swelling in my brain is finally going down?"
"Did you wake up like this?"
“Yeah, I did. I didn't believe it at first. I was scared it'd just disappear again, but I think it's okay. Stuff is still blurry, but it's a lot better than before."
"Your doctor said it'd take a couple of weeks for the worst of the symptoms to resolve, didn't she?"
"She did, but I don't think I really believed her. It's kind of funny that it happened on the day I'm supposed to see the ophthalmologist, too."
"Are you still going?" Mom asked.
"Of course," I said. "Dr. Ishida did her best to fit me in on short notice. It'd be rude not to go. Plus, I still want to see what she thinks. Like, I want to know if she can tell me whether I'll get all my vision back, or if this is going to be it."
"Is Mrs. Okamoto still going with you?" Mom asked.
"With us," I amended. "You're still coming, aren't you? Actually, I don't think we really need Mrs. Okamoto to come along. It was mostly so we'd know where to go, but I know where the clinic is. You can drive, and I'm pretty sure I can see well enough now to give you directions."
"That sounds good," Mom said. "I think I'd be more comfortable with just the two of us, anyway."
"Me too," I admitted. "Hey... do you think you could help me find something to read? I need to check if I can do it.”
She glanced around for a second and then reached for my phone on the bedside table. “Here. Read me the date and time.”
My lock screen is a picture of me and Elsa, which was taken by Seiji's coach, Masao. In it, I'm getting big air and Elsa's underside is clearly visible, her name in white script and the Canadian flag standing out proudly against the bold blue and yellow.
I had to squint a little bit, but I read aloud, “Friday, February fifth. 6:39 a.m."
I hadn't even noticed it was already February until that moment.
"Good job, sweetheart!" Mom sounded exactly like she was talking to a little kid who'd tied his shoelaces by himself or printed his own name for the first time, but I didn't mind one bit. I feel like I was probably glowing from the praise, as if I'd done something monumental.
Then again, maybe I had. I'd been terrified that my vision would never get better and that I'd have to spend the rest of my life trapped in a fog and being led around everywhere, so to just wake up and suddenly be able to see stuff again was huge and overwhelming.
It struck me how much independence this would give back to me. For the past two weeks, I hadn't been able to do the most basic things like reading my messages, choosing an audio book to listen to, or even picking out the clothes I wanted to wear each day and checking myself in the mirror. All of that and more was available to me again, and I was grateful.
I studied my screen for a second longer, verifying both the date and my renewed ability to read it. Then, I looked up from my phone and into my mom's beaming face. "Mom, you know what day today is?"
"Friday, February fifth," she replied, sounding slightly amused.
"Yeah, but February fifth is my anniversary of coming here."
"Oh," she said. "That's right."
"I can hardly wait to visit Yuri today, 'cause I'm sure he remembers too. I can't wait to see him. Like, literally see him."
I recalled the day I'd first landed in Japan. Yuri and I had known each other for three years, and both of us had been feeling impatient with our long-distance relationship. We agreed that we needed to be together in person, and I think we both knew it’d be me who’d end up travelling, even before I told him I would come to him.
I remember my emotions shifting back and forth between excitement and nervousness as I made my way through the tunnel that led from the plane to the the noisy, crowded international airport in Kyoto. Yuri had been waiting there for me in the arrivals area, holding a hand-lettered cardboard sign with 'NELSON' on it, like something from a movie, as if I wouldn't recognize him immediately on sight. We'd joked about him meeting me at the airport with a sign, but I hadn't thought he'd really do it. I was already madly in love with him, but I'd fallen just a bit harder at that.
Knowing that he wasn't comfortable being touched, I'd had to resist the urge to run to him and catch him in a tight hug to complete our movie-like scene, but the way his gorgeous dark eyes sparkled and the delicate pink blush that spread across his nose and cheeks when he reached shyly for my hand more than made up for the lack of a welcome embrace. The hugs and cuddles and soft little kisses would come, with time and patience.
Now, two years on from our first in-person meeting, he's not shy at all about touching me or letting me touch him, and he seeks out affection from me on his own. In fact, he often demands it, in the most adorable and endearing way possible.
One of my favourite things is snuggling with him in the mornings, breathing in the sweet scent of him — strawberries and sandalwood — and admiring how cute he is with his wide brown eyes and sleep-tousled hair. I never fail to melt with pleasure at his touch when we're in bed like that, because he knows exactly how to find all my 'secret spots', as he calls them. His feathery kisses against my collarbone always make me go weak, and there are other places on my body that I think he likes to tease with his clever little fingers just to hear the sounds I'll involuntarily produce. He plays me like his violin, and I'm happy to let him.
I've been missing those moments of gentle intimacy. I miss everything, really; the warmth and softness of his pale, perfect skin when he embraces me and presses his forehead against mine in greeting, the way he says my name, the way he pouts when I remind him to eat or take his medication, and the way he smiles sweetly in thanks when I bring him his morning tea so he can enjoy it in bed. I confess, I'm hopelessly, irrevocably in love with him, and I miss being with him.
Not for the first time, I wished everything would go back to normal. I wanted Yuri to get better and come home to me. I wanted my arms to hurry up and heal so I could get my casts off and be able to hold my sweet boy, because I'm sure he's missing that just as much as I am. What was new for me in all this wishing was that with the return of some of my vision, I was starting to feel hopeful that maybe we really could get back to normal.
"Do you want to get up now?" Mom was asking me.
"What?" It took a second for me to pull myself away from thinking about my husband and to get my mind back on the day ahead. "Uh... yeah, I do."
"Are you hungry?"
"Mom, seriously? Do you even need to ask? But, I want a shower first, and do you think you could shave me? I have to look presentable for the eye doctor today, not all scruffy and gross."
She smiled. "I thought you were growing your beard out."
I ran my fingertips over my jaw and chin, and gave her what I imagined was a crooked grin. "Yeah, but I'm guessing it doesn't look very nice right now, all weird and patchy like this. I can start over when I don't have any appointments that require somebody getting up close and personal."
"All right, but I think we'd better get Julian or Kenji to help you shave."
"Julian," I said.
My relationship with my father-in-law might've been improving, but I'm still not comfortable enough with him to let him near my face with a sharp object. Not that I was worried he'd do anything on purpose, but I didn't know how well he'd handle it and I'd be nervous about him cutting me by accident. I'd much rather have Julian's steady, confident veterinary surgeon's hands performing that particular task.
"Okay," Mom said. "I'll ask him when he gets up."
"I don't want to wait till Julian gets up for my shower. Can you help me in there, at least?"
"Of course," she said. "I guess you're over being embarrassed about me seeing you in the buff?"
I laughed out loud at that. "You know what Uncle Kaz said."
"I heard him telling you that I'd already seen it all before," she said. "I swear, that man has no filters. If it's in his head, it comes out of his mouth."
"You gotta admit he's a great guy, though."
"He's growing on me."
"He's hard not to like." I pushed the blankets off myself and then awkwardly turned around so that I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my feet on the floor. "All right. Here I go."
Mom steadied me with nothing more than a hand under my elbow, as I got out of bed almost completely unaided for the first time in two weeks.
Mom was quick to envelop me in a hug once I was in my feet. "Well done, Victor."
I grinned. "I'm going to walk to the bathroom by myself."
"Go for it," she said. "But, I'm still going to help you when you're ready to go downstairs."
I nodded. "Yeah, I think that's a good idea." I wandered over to Yuri's wardrobe cupboard and hooked my fingers into the little grooves in the doors to open it up. A lot of my clothes are in Yuri's cupboard, and a bunch of his are in mine. It's why I can't find my stuff most of the time. That, and I'm also kinda disorganized. "I think I'll go with a button-up shirt. Yuri would want me to look respectable for my appointment. Let's see... What would he boss me into wearing?"
Behind me, I could hear my mother trying to hold in a laugh. "Even when he's not here, he's here."
"Yup," I agreed. I struggled to get the shirt I wanted off its hanger, and ultimately had to let Mom help me, but I still felt triumphant about having found my own shirt and jeans. "Okay. Shower time."
Showering is a chore that involves literally wrapping my arms in plastic trash bags so my casts don't get wet and, up until today, sitting on a little plastic step-stool while I was in there because I was too nervous and unsteady on my feet. Today, I didn't need the stool, but I obviously still needed the plastic bags. Mom and Julian are both getting pretty efficient at wrapping and unwrapping my arms, but I'll be glad when no one has to do that any more.
My appointment with Dr. Ishida was at ten o'clock, so I had plenty of time beforehand to get ready, eat breakfast, and even exchange some texts with my boss and my friends. I had to tap out my messages painstakingly with my index finger, due to not being able to use my thumbs, but this was definitely progress. Tomiko, Takahiro and Fox were all glad to hear from me and wanted to know when they could stop by for a visit.
Oddly, the person I’d expected to reply first didn't reply at all. Seiji and I usually text and talk a lot. I’d missed him over the last couple weeks, and I’d imagined he missed chatting with me as well. I tried to convince myself not to read too much into his lack of a response, assuming that he was probably up on the mountain and didn't have access to his phone.
But then, I realized how early it still was. He wouldn't be teaching any lessons at this hour, and he definitely wouldn't be training. Masao, a notoriously late sleeper, never has Seiji out training before nine-thirty or ten o'clock. Sometimes my coach and I have already been out there for an hour or two before Seiji and Masao make their appearance. Last season, when Masao was my coach too, that was my biggest pet peeve.
No, it was a safe bet that Seiji was somewhere having breakfast, perhaps eating rice and fish at his parents' house, or grabbing a latte and a breakfast sandwich at the book café. He should’ve have his phone on him. He should’ve been answering me. I didn't understand why he wouldn't, especially since I hadn't talked to him in two weeks.
Don't panic, I told myself. There's got to be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
I resolved to try contacting him again later, and turned my attention to sending a message to my coach.
Sakura, my coach, absolutely freaked out when she received my text, and didn't bother to text me back. Like, maybe three seconds after it came up as 'read', my phone was ringing and the caller ID displayed her name and number.
When I said hello, Sakura didn't even greet me. She screamed down the line at me, "Victor Okamoto-Nelson, you idiot! I've been worried sick about you! Two weeks, and this is the first I hear from you in person? I swear, if I'd gotten one more message from your husband or father-in-law—"
"I'm feeling much better, Fujimoto-sensei. Thank you for asking," I said, as calmly as I could because I knew it'd annoy her.
I actually was feeling a lot better. Today was the best day I'd had since my accident, both psychologically and physically. My arms and rib were hurting, but not to the level where I needed the strong prescription painkillers Dr. Sato had given me, and I finally felt confident enough to walk without help, except on the stairs.
"Cut it out with the sensei bullshit, you dumbass." Sakura sounded angry, but I could hear fondness beneath it. "I'm coming straight over there to kick your butt for putting me through absolute hell for the past two weeks."
"Later," I said. "I've got a doctor's appointment soon, and then I'm going to spend the rest of the day at the hospital with Yuri. You can come over tonight."
There was a long pause, and then, "Hang on... Yuri is in the hospital now?"
"Mr. Okamoto's been messaging you. He didn't tell you?"
"Obviously not. Is Yuri going to be okay?"
"He has an infection," I said. "The doctor called it a 'moderately severe intestinal complication'."
"That doesn't sound good," Sakura observed.
"He's pretty sick," I confirmed. "They're giving him massive doses of antibiotics, and the side effects are brutal. He's getting fluids, and they're doing an intravenous nutrition infusion too, 'cause he can't eat." I closed my eyes for a second, and let out a long, slow breath. "It's hard to watch."
"I can't even imagine how hard," she said sympathetically, all the fierce energy from just a moment earlier gone from her voice. "I don't know how you cope. I'd be losing my mind if Takeshi was ever that sick."
"It's not easy, but it's something I've learned to accept," I told her truthfully. "The worst part for me this time is that I can't take care of him myself."
"You've gotten pretty good at that. Taking care of him."
"Yeah, but it's a two-arm job, so right now I'm useless," I said. "Anyway, Yuri's doctor says she's optimistic, but she also says she won’t even consider releasing him until he can eat on his own, or at least drink a meal replacement drink. She thinks it'll be the middle of next week at the earliest, and she’s recommending that we have somebody from the home health program care for him for a while once he gets out.”
"Are you going to be okay with that?" Sakura asked.
"Honestly? I don't have the luxury of not being okay with it. Mom and Julian can't stay with us for too long, 'cause I mean, their clinic isn't going to run without them forever. Yuri's parents have been awesome, but they've got other stuff going on as well. We need somebody, and I don't get to say I don't like the idea."
"What about Yuri? Is he going to be okay with it?"
"He's not really in a position to choose either, unfortunately." I frowned, thinking about how he was likely to react to the presence of a home healthcare nurse in our house. "Not that it'll stop him from expressing himself about it. Like, I hope this person is patient, because they haven't seen whining and temper outbursts until they've seen Yuri's whining and temper outbursts."
"Poor baby," Sakura said.
"Excuse me? He gets 'poor baby' and I got 'dumbass'?"
"Poor little Yuri didn't throw himself down the mountain at seventy kilometers per hour and land on his head, did he? And you can still eat. Probably everything you can get your hands on, as often as possible, if I know you."
"And some things I can't get my hands on," I admitted.
"You'd better not be gaining too much weight while you're lying around doing nothing but eating and being waited on."
“You’re the worst,” I said.
"Can Takeshi and I visit Yuri?"
“Yes, you guys can visit him. He hasn’t been up to talking or really doing much of anything, but he might like to see you.”
“We’ll bring him a get well card.”
“He’d like that.”
“Consider it done,” Sakura said. “See you tonight?”
"I'll see you tonight," I agreed. "You can hassle me some more then, if you still feel you need to, okay?"
"Seven o'clock," she said. "You'd better be home."
"I will."
"Good, because your other love has been missing you, and she’d never forgive you if you stood her up.”
I didn't need to ask who she meant. "Thanks for keeping Elsa safe for me. Tell her I miss her too."
"I'll bring her home to you tonight," Sakura promised. "Good luck at the doctor."
“Thanks. Oh… wait a second! Before you hang up, I gotta ask you something.”
“Sure,” she said. “Ask away.”
“Have you seen Seiji?”
“Seiji Hinamori?”
“He’s the only Seiji I know,” I said. “I tried texting him, and he didn’t answer. I told myself not to worry about it, but now that I’m thinking about it…”
“I hear you,” Sakura said. “Actually, now that you mention him, I haven’t seen him in a while. Maybe not since the day you got hurt.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” I said.
“Maybe ask Takahiro if he’s seen him? If anyone knows anything about Seiji, it’ll be Taka.”
“True.”
“Now’s really not the time to get caught up in worrying about Seiji, though,” Sakura said. “What doctor are you seeing today?”
“Dr. Ishida. She’s the eye doctor.”
“That’s your priority.” Her tone of voice was the same one she always uses when we’re reviewing video of my training runs and she wants me to work on something in particular during our next practice. “That, and Yuri.”
“Right,” I said. "It goes without saying that Yuri is my priority. Always."
“Yes, but you need to remember to make yourself a priority sometimes. And you have a tendency to get overwhelmed when there's too much going on, so I'm just reminding you to focus."
"It's scary, how well you know me."
"When I get to your place tonight, we’ll call Taka together, okay? That is, if you don't hear back from Seiji in the meantime. I’ll check with the Recreation Association and see if he’s been at work. I mean, just because I haven’t seen him on the mountain, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been.”
“Thanks, Sakura.”
“It’s no problem,” she said. “I’m hanging up now, but remember what I said. No going off-track.”
“Got it.”
“Good. Tell Yuri I’m thinking about him. I’ll see you later, and hopefully we’ll both have some good news to share.”
#ts4#sims 4#eagames#snowy escape#victorsworldadventures#victor nelson#grace nelson#tw injury#tw chronic illness#tw hospital#stargazersims
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Journal Entry #58
Journal Entry #57 (part two) // STORY INDEX
Victor
Today, I walked my mom down the aisle.
Life's funny sometimes. Not in a hilarious way, but in an ironic way; a way that makes you realize the ideas and opinions you thought you'd always have about it can change, and that the things you feared because you didn't understand them really aren't so big and scary after all.
Last autumn, when Mom told me that she was going to marry Julian, I was upset. It wasn't because I didn't want her to be happy, but because I was scared of the change it would represent. I'd gotten used to it being just her and me, and I didn't know what would happen to our close, comfortable family dynamic if it were altered so drastically.
I didn't want a stepfather. The idea felt so much like a betrayal of my dad’s memory that I did not want to accept it, and I had to force myself to push through the cloud of grief and confusion in my mind to try and see the good in the situation.
When we talked about it that day, Mom told me Julian is her soulmate, and although I wasn't quite ready to see it at the time, I believed her nevertheless. Calling someone your soulmate isn't something you say lightly, and if Mom had found that with Julian the same way I'd found it with Yuri, I knew I had to make the effort not just to be okay with their marriage, but to say honestly that I was glad for them.
It was in January, when Mom and Julian came to Japan to be with me after my accident, when I really began to see the truth for myself.
When they first got there, Mom was a wreck, probably from a combination of travelling and worrying about me and Yuri. She was trying to hide it, but I know her too well for her to get that past me. It was pretty obvious she wasn't getting it past Julian either, but he didn't draw attention to it. I saw the way he supported her, the reassuring touches and the little looks that said I'm here for you.
It also wasn't lost on me how well he looked after me. He treated me with almost the same care as Mom did, like any good father would do for his son. In all the years since my father died, Julian had never tried to step into his shoes, had never once presumed he could replace him, yet he loved me as if I was his own son anyway.
Figuring that out was what really made it hit home for me. Julian had been in Mom's life — in my life — the entire time, but I'd been in denial about what we were all going through. I'd been hanging on so tightly to my memories of Dad, I couldn't see that Julian wanted to give me what I'd been craving all along. He understood my loss and grief, and he wanted to take care of me and let me know I wasn't alone.
Julian had been one of my dad's best friends. His pain at Dad's passing may not have been exactly the same as mine, but I think it was just as deep, and I think it tore out the same Thomas Nelson-sized hole in his heart. But, he never intended to make himself fit into that gap in my soul. He just wanted us to help each other heal.
Julian and I had some good talks while he and Mom were with us in Mt. Komorebi. I felt like I got to know him in ways I never had before, ways in which adults get to know other adults. It was the proper moment for it. He could never have shared some of it before because there are things that are just too heavy for a child to grasp.
My moment of genuine acceptance came when Julian echoed my mom's sentiment of several months prior.
"Grace is my soulmate," he said. There was absolute certainty in his voice. "I don't believe in love at first sight, but there's a point where you just... know."
"It's hard to explain, isn't it?" I said. "But, I know what you mean."
"I know you do."
"Mom said she knew you were her soulmate too, even though she was married to Dad."
Julian nodded. "She and your dad were already married when I met them. When I realized how I felt, I told Thomas about it, even though I knew what it might mean for me and for the future. I just.... wanted to be honest. Thomas was my friend too, and I didn't want to cause any problems."
"He trusted you," I said.
"He did, and I respected him. I promised him that nothing would ever happen and that I'd never interfere with their marriage, and I never did. I'm not sure if Grace even knows Thomas and I had that conversation."
"I don't think she does," I said. "She talked to me about this a while back, and I think she believes you tried to hide it or like, maybe you tried to pretend your real feelings for her didn't exist."
"Well, she wouldn't be wrong about that last part. I did try to talk myself into believing I didn't really feel that way about her, but that was practically impossible. All I was doing was torturing myself, so I made up my mind to just be grateful she and Thomas were both in my life, and to love her in the only way I could, as a friend."
If nothing else had convinced me Mom and Julian were meant to be together, that did.
What Julian did is the most selfless thing I can think of. I mean, you don't sacrifice your own happiness or your own dreams and desires for somebody you don't love. He could've caused trouble or he could've just moved on, but he didn't do either of those things. He stayed and he waited. Even after Dad died he waited until the time was right, and I think if Dad had lived, Julian would've spent an entire lifetime waiting and quietly loving her in his heart.
And Mom… I know she loved Dad regardless of him not being her soulmate, and I’m positive she would’ve stayed faithful to him no matter what. She could’ve acted on her feelings for Julian, but she held back because she must’ve known what it would do to his friendship with my father, not to mention the impact it would’ve had on Caroline and me. She loved all of us enough to protect us from the potential consequences of that, even if it meant she might never be more than Julian’s business partner and friend .
If people like them don’t deserve to be rewarded with happiness, then I don't know who does.
So, this afternoon, when the officiant asked, "Who gives this woman to be married?" I came forward without any hesitation or fear.
"I do, with joy and pride," I said.
Julian stepped out to meet us, and I placed Mom's hand in his. Then, I took my place in the line of groomsmen, next to Uncle Stephen.
I couldn't keep the smile off my face for the rest of the afternoon.
The day itself was practically flawless. The sun was out, and the air was warm and not too humid. It was the perfect afternoon for an outdoor wedding in Magnolia Park.
Mom and Julian had hired an event planner, and their people took care of all the arrangements like catering, decorating, flowers and setting up all the tables and chairs and everything. They even moved in a baby grand piano, which Mr. Okamoto later said was almost as nice to play as his own piano back home.
Mom looked beautiful in her white gown. She had her hair done up in an elegant style that Yuri said was called a French twist. I don't know much about hairstyles, so I had to take his word for that. All I know is, it looked amazing.
Something else I learned from Yuri — in advance of the wedding, fortunately — is that there's a tradition where a bride should have five things on her wedding day, for luck. It's not a Japanese tradition, so I'm not sure where Yuri found out about it, but I'm guessing it was from all the romance novels and movies he likes to read and watch. There's even a rhyme to help people remember:
Something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue,
And a penny in your shoe.
Mom's 'something new' was her dress. The thing that was both old and borrowed was my great-grandmother DeLuca's wedding tiara.
I hadn't known that Nonna Isabella and Grandpa Giancarlo were coming, and I'm not sure Mom did either. She'd invited them, of course, because who doesn't invite their own parents to their wedding? But, I was under the impression they'd declined, citing their age, and the length of the journey from Tartosa, and the fact that since Mom and Julian were honeymooning in Italy anyway, they would see them soon enough. So, when Leo called me two days before the wedding and asked if I wanted to ride with him to the airport to pick up our grandparents, I was surprised.
Apparently they'd decided last-minute, or as Grandpa Giancarlo put it, "Your grandmother, she change our minds the day before yesterday."
With Grandpa Giancarlo, it's hard to tell if he says stuff like that because he reached a plateau when it came to learning English, or if he's actually trying to be funny. Knowing Nonna Isabella, though, there was more likelihood it was a fact than a comedic fiction. I can totally hear her being like, "Giancarlo, we're going to Canada!" and then making him scramble to get ready to depart.
Nonna brought the tiara with her. She explained that her own mother had worn it, she'd worn it, and now it was Mom's turn. I didn't ask why she hadn't given it to Mom to wear when she married my dad. I'm sure she must've had her reasons.
As for the 'something blue' part of the rhyme, that item came from Yuri and me. My lovely Yuri had the foresight to bring the pocket square from my wedding suit, and he said I should let Mom carry it with her. Not even gonna lie about how much I cried over that.
Yuri folded and pinned the pocket square into a little fan shape, and we gave it to her together. Her flowers and the accent colours for all the decorations were pink, but nevertheless she tucked the little blue fan into her bouquet, on display for everyone to see.
The penny in her shoe was actually a one yen coin, supplied by Yuki because, "You can't forget the last part, Auntie Grace!"
In the evening, there was an after-party, where everybody got to congratulate the new bride and groom, some people drank champagne, and most of us danced. Yuri and Mr. Okamoto provided the music for the first two dances, but after that it was all recorded music for the rest of the evening. The party took place in the same event space at the hotel in Newcrest where we'd had Julian's bachelor party just a few nights earlier, and we had the same DJ from the bachelor party too.
Grandpa Giancarlo gave a speech that had everyone at the party roaring with laughter by the time he was done. Uncle Stephen and I said a few words, and so did Julian's parents and Ellie.
Mom and Julian had their first dance together, and then, when it should've been time for the father-daughter dance, Grandpa got up, bowed gallantly and swept a hand in my direction.
"You dance, Victor," he said. "You gave away a lot more today than I did."
I wanted to tell him that wasn't correct. Today, I finally, fully understood what I'd been trying to persuade myself of since last November. I hadn't given away anything, and I'd gained so much; a stepfather, a stepsister, the comfort of knowing my mom had someone to love and protect her, and a sense that one more piece of the grand puzzle of our intertwined lives had slipped into place. For the first time in a long while, I felt completely at peace.
Even though everybody was watching, Mom and I danced as if nobody was. The song she'd chosen for this moment was The Butterfly Waltz, and although I'd heard Yuri play it dozens of times, I wasn't prepared for how beautiful it would sound with Yuri and his father playing it as a violin and piano duet.
What a fitting choice of a song, I thought. We're all a little bit like butterflies, really. Each of us has changed in big or small ways, all emerging into the light as someone different than we were before. Change isn't always something to fear. In fact, sometimes it can be good, and the experience can teach us important things if only we stop and take the time we need to understand the lesson.
There were a million things I wanted to say to my mom as we spun gently around the dance floor, but I couldn't come up with the right words for any of them. So, I simply told her I love her and that I'm happy for her. I think she understood there was a lot more on my mind, and maybe she had a lot she wanted to say to me too, but the smile she gave me told me it was all right not to speak. There would be time later to say all we needed to.
This, her smile seemed to say, isn't a moment for deep conversation. It's a moment to feel all the love surrounding us and to celebrate it.
And celebrate we did. Some people will feel the effects in the morning, but I doubt anyone who was there will say it wasn't worth it.
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Journal Entry #57 (part two)
Journal Entry #57 (part one) // STORY INDEX
Victor
Just in case anyone was getting the impression that mine and Yuri’s time apart has been completely consumed by thoughts of each other and of Yuri's therapy, let me fill you in on what else I've been doing since I've been back in Willow Creek.
To be fair, Yuri is on my mind a lot, and for the first few days I was here, I felt a little bit guilty whenever I was having fun with my friends or doing something new without him, but I'm feeling better about it now. I talked to Yuri and he said he felt the same way at first, but then he realized what a perfect opportunity he had to spend time bonding with his family.
Despite his initial misgivings about staying with his parents, he seems to be having a good time now, and he's obviously happy. I figured if it was okay for him to feel happy without me, it was also okay for me to feel happy without him. I missed him desperately though. No point in trying to hide that.
Anyway, once I got my head around my "temporary bachelor status", as my cousin Leo put it, I started to relax and really enjoy myself.
Speaking of bachelors, Uncle Stephen, Leo and I have been planning the most epic bachelor party of all time for Julian. We decided on an Italian theme because he and Mom are going to Tartosa for their honeymoon. There's going to be Italian food and music, and everyone's going to be encouraged to wear Italian beach club fashion. Uncle Stephen managed to reserve an event room at the Harbourside Haven with a view overlooking the water. It may be Newcrest, but we're gonna pretend it's a Tartosan beach scene.
At first, I thought it was kind of weird to have a theme, but Uncle Stephen said a lot of people have bachelor parties with themes. I deferred to him because what do I know? Nobody threw a bachelor party for Yuri and me, and this was my first time planning one for somebody else. Uncle Stephen has been involved in organizing at least three — his best friend Matthew's, Uncle JP’s, and my dad's — so that makes him an expert, as far as I'm concerned.
"By the time you get around to planning Leo's bachelor party, you'll be an expert too," he assured me.
Leo wants a superhero theme when his turn comes. Probably no surprise there.
Leo, Ellie and I have been spending as much time together as we can, which probably isn't going to be much of a surprise to anyone either. We've been getting up to our usual nonsense; playing soccer and racing bikes in the park, going to the pool and the arcade, and generally just hanging out, but we've been getting some productive stuff done as well.
I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Julian moved in with Mom around the beginning of January, like maybe a week or two before my accident. He was originally planning to sell his house, but what ended up happening was that he transferred the title to Ellie instead. What that means is, Ellie gets to live in her childhood home and doesn't have to worry about paying a mortgage since Julian managed to fully pay it off a couple of years ago. At the end of April, Leo moved in there with her, and now they're wholly involved with renovating the place to make it exactly how they want.
They're actually not changing it significantly, but even cosmetic changes require a fair amount of work. They had to hire somebody to install their new kitchen cabinets and appliances, but Leo decided they could do the hardwood flooring in the living room themselves, as well as the painting and redecorating.
And that's where I came in. I might not be very good with electronics, but I definitely know my way around carpentry tools. My mom taught me a lot about home maintenance, so I can measure, saw and hammer with the best of them.
Almost as soon as I arrived, Leo enlisted both me and his sister Kiki to help with the flooring. Ellie and Kiki gleefully ripped out all the old carpet, and then they sanded and cleaned the subfloor. After that, Leo and I got down to business. We got the entire living room done over three days, and it looks fabulous, even if I say so myself.
We're all getting pretty good at painting too. Leo, Ellie, Kiki and I painted Ellie and Leo’s living room, kitchen and bedroom, and then I got them to come over to our new house and help me paint mine and Yuri's rooms, our living room and downstairs bathroom.
Robert and Kim did a bunch of renovations before they put the house on the market, so there’s really nothing much that needed to be changed except the colours of a few walls. The only thing I really want to do besides the painting is to install a jet tub in the upstairs bathroom. Yuri got used to having that at Uncle Kaz's place, and I think he should have one here. It’s very therapeutic for him.
You knew I'd inevitably come back to talking about Yuri, didn't you? Some of you are probably laughing over my inability to keep my mind off him. Go ahead. I don't mind. I'm hopelessly in love with him, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
As a matter of fact, Yuri is the whole reason why I was motivated to record this entry tonight, after kinda forgetting about our journal for almost three months. Now that I’ve gotten all the life updates out of the way, I can get to the really good part. It's the part I maybe should’ve led with, but I guess you’ve all figured out by now that I sometimes like to leave the best stuff till the end.
So, here’s the story. It actually started yesterday evening, when Yuri missed our regular seven o'clock FaceTime chat. By seven-fifteen, I decided I'd better call him. He didn't answer, but I wasn’t overly concerned right away because I thought there might just be something wrong with his iPad, so I texted him instead. I started getting scared when I received no reply to that either, and when I phoned him, I got a robotic-sounding error message that said the customer I was trying to reach had the phone turned off.
At that point, I systematically called everyone I could think of who might know what was going on, but Takahiro, Fox and Sakura had no clue, and the most that Mr. Okamoto's personal assistant Koichi could tell me was that Mr. Okamoto was away on important business for the next several days, which didn’t really help. When I tried to call Yuri's parents, I got the same error message I'd gotten when I attempted to call him.
I tossed and turned in bed all night, and every time I woke up, I sent another text to my husband. By seven o'clock this morning, when I still couldn't reach him, I started scrolling frantically through my phone to see if I had his grandparents' numbers. Somebody had to know something.
I didn't have a number for his grandmother or grandfather, but I did have contact information for his boss, Mr. Tanaka. It was a long shot, but I called him, which may not have been the wisest thing to do. Mr. Tanaka didn't have any idea where Yuri was or what might be happening, and I think I might've caused him to worry with my asking him about it.
Around ten o'clock, I was seriously considering getting online and trying to arrange an earlier flight back to Japan. I'm not even joking.
That was when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
I pulled it out and glanced at the screen. It was a message from Yuri.
You ever hear that phrase 'weak with relief'? I literally was, and I sank down the kitchen floor, nearly crying, with my phone still clutched in my hand.
As if he'd been reading my mind, the message said, «I love you and I'm okay.»
«Where are you?» I texted back with trembling fingers.
He sent, «I’m outside. Are you at home?»
Perplexed and still shaking, I replied, «Yeah. Why?»
«Look out the front window.»
Feeling thoroughly confused, I got to my feet, put my phone back in my pocket and made my way from the kitchen to the dining room so I could peer outside. Parked at the curb was a vehicle I didn't recognize. I took off my glasses so things further away would come into sharper focus, and I think i may have let out a small gasp when I realized who was behind the wheel of the unknown blue minivan.
It was Kenji Okamoto.
I was still forcing my mind to process that when the van's side door slid open and first Yuki and then Yuri climbed out. Mr. Okamoto got out of the driver's side to open the front passenger door for his wife, who was holding baby Kinai.
To say I was shocked would be putting it lightly. During all our daily conversations, Yuri hadn't mentioned anything about him and his family travelling. I could only assume they were here for the wedding, which is coming up in four days, but if they were here for the wedding, that would mean Mom and Julian both knew they were coming as well, and yet nobody had breathed a word about any of it to me.
I should've been upset about that, but I was way too excited over being unexpectedly reunited with Yuri to worry about having been kept in the dark. I mean, real talk here, the sound I made when I saw my husband was a lot louder than a gasp. A second later, I was flinging open the front door and flying down the steps, and he was hurrying to close the distance between us too, arms outstretched for an embrace.
I caught him and spun us both around in a circle right there on the walkway. "Yuri! I missed you!"
"Me too," he said, clinging tight as we completed our big, joyful circle. "I couldn't wait to get here. The last couple of hours, I was getting so impatient I could barely cope with it any more."
"This is why I couldn't reach you, isn't it? You were in a plane."
He was laughing. "Ah... surprise?"
"I was freaking out!" I exclaimed. "Like, I was literally just about to change my flight and everything! You should've known I'd panic when I couldn't reach you. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"I'm sorry," he said, as I carefully set him down. "Don't be angry. It was so hard to keep the secret, and I almost let it slip out, but we really wanted to surprise you."
"I'm not angry," I said. "I'm relieved you're okay, and I'm thrilled you're here, but..."
"But what?"
"I thought you couldn't travel," I said. "What about your therapy?"
"We'll only be here for a week," Yuri said. "I'll miss my psychologist appointment this week, and one in-person session with my nutritionist, and a food intelligence class.”
“Can you afford to miss that stuff?”
“I think so,” he said. “The nutritionist scheduled a fifteen-minute video call so I can check in and show her my food diary and talk about any concerns, but she said I’m doing so well that she thinks I’ll be all right even if I miss a full session.”
"So, uh... I guess you're here for Mom and Julian's wedding?"
"Of course," Yuri said. "I promised them I'd play, didn't I? And I've brought my accompanist with me."
Mr. Okamoto laughed at that. "The things I let myself get talked into," he said. "Grace called Yuri about a week ago to ask if he was able to come, or if they should make different arrangements for their wedding music. When he told her he could, she asked if we'd all like to come, and then Julian got on the phone with her and said that if I was coming, I ought to help with the music as well."
"Nothing like being drafted into a project last-minute," I said, amazed that Julian had felt comfortable enough with Mr. Okamoto to even make a request like that. They'd become fast friends when Mom and Julian were in Mt. Komorebi just after my accident, but I didn't think they'd gotten that well-acquainted. I mean, practising a whole set of wedding music with only a couple weeks' advance notice was a huge ask. I'm not sure I'd even ask my best friend in the world to do something like that.
"I don't mind," said Mr. Okamoto, much to my astonishment.
"You don't?"
"Yuri and I hadn't played together in a very long time, and we've been rediscovering how much we like our violin and piano duets. The music isn't that difficult, and we're already familiar with each other's playing style, so I think it'll work out quite well."
"That's...impressive," I said.
"It's an honour for us to play for your parents' wedding."
"I'm grateful to you for agreeing to it," I said, and I totally meant it. One of Yuri's favourite memories that he always talks about is of playing duets with his dad, and I'm glad they've started doing that again. I'm also super happy that Mom and Julian didn't end up having to hire random music students from the local college or something.
I pulled Yuri in for another hug. "And you too, sweet boy. I'm super happy that you... hang on."
"What?" Yuri said.
It'd taken a moment for my brain to register the observation, but it seemed that Yuri felt more solid in my arms than I remembered. "Excuse the change of subject, but have you gained weight?"
I know... not a very smooth question, right? In any other context, it would probably seem rude, but for us it had the complete opposite meaning.
Yuri drew back a little so he could look up at me. His face practically radiated happiness, and his beautiful smile accentuated the new fullness in his cheeks. "You noticed."
I slid my hands down his sides. "I can barely feel your ribs."
"I gained four kilos since you last saw me in person," he told me.
"In three weeks? Really? That's like, more than a whole kilogram per week." I glanced over his shoulder at his parents. "What have you been feeding him?"
From beside her father, Yuki piped up, "Milkshakes!"
"Not just milkshakes." Mr. Okamoto interjected hastily. He seemed to feel the need to be accountable to me, to prove they hadn't been so reckless as to let Yuri subsist on such a limited and arguably unhealthy diet. "He's been trying all sorts of new foods, haven't you, Yuri? But he does enjoy his strawberry milkshakes."
Of course I knew he'd been consuming more than milkshakes, but I acknowledged Mr. Okamoto's explanation with, "I'm glad you've been getting him to try new stuff." And then to Yuri, "Have you tried any other dairy products?"
"Real butter," he said. "And cream of broccoli soup. I didn't like that."
"Because of the broccoli, I guess. What about cheese?"
He made the most adorable face, scrunching up his cute button nose in distaste. "No. Cheese is disgusting."
"Unless it's in strawberry cheesecake," his father commented, looking entertained. "You should've seen him devouring that."
I raised an eyebrow. "Yuri, you ate cheesecake?"
"Mm-hmm, and cinnamon buns and dango. Oh, and ice cream!" Yuri said. "I can't believe I've been missing out on real ice cream this whole time."
“He’s been making up for it,” said Mr. Okamoto. "I've never seen anyone eat so many desserts."
"Well, I guess that explains the four kilos," I said.
Yuri offered up a grin that somehow managed to be simultaneously angelic and cheeky, "Aren't you proud of me, Victor?"
"Very," I said. "Four whole kilograms. That's awesome. You don't want to shoot past your goal, though. I hope you've been eating low-fibre vegetables and healthy proteins along with all your desserts."
"I don't like vegetables," he said.
"You like carrots and squash. I'll make you some carrot soup. That'll be the next thing for you to try, okay?"
"Okay." He leaned into me and nuzzled his cheek against my chest. "I'll eat it on one condition. You need to take me on a date to that ice cream place you're always talking about, with the forty flavours."
I laughed out loud and gave him an affectionate squeeze. I was beyond happy he'd discovered something new that he wanted to eat. "If you're not too tired from the trip, we can go this evening after dinner," I told him. "On one condition."
"Oh? What condition?"
"I know how much you love anything with strawberries, but The Frozen Cone has forty flavours. I really want you to try something other than strawberry."
"Peach?" he ventured.
"Good choice. They probably have that. They usually have orange-pineapple too, and cherry."
Yuri hummed softly, a little sound of satisfaction. "Let's try peach and cherry. I don't want to taste pineapple until we go to Sulani, okay? I want to save that experience for a really special occasion."
"Okay," I agreed.
"If we get a scoop of each kind in a bowl, we can share. Would that be all right?"
"That sounds perfect," I said.
"And you can feed me," he whispered, but evidently not quietly enough to prevent his father from overhearing.
Mr. Okamoto sounded torn between scolding and amusement. "Yuri—"
"One spoonful, because you're cute," I said. "But you'll be on your own for the rest of it. Rules are rules, you know."
"I tried," he said.
"Full marks for effort." I laughed, and kissed the top of his head. "Come on. Let's go inside. I can show you the paint job Leo and I did in your bedroom, and we can give your family the grand tour."
"Our family," he said.
"Our family," I repeated. I nodded to my in-laws. "Come on in."
Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto both thanked me and bowed respectfully, but I think Yuki forgot her manners in her excitement. She bounded forward and grabbed one of my hands. "Yuri said there's a ghost! Can I meet her?"
I smiled. "Well, that'll be up to Sachiko. I think if you call her Kobayashi-san and remember not to use her favourite mug, she'll come out and meet you. Don't be too surprised if she starts making small objects fly around the room, though."
Mrs. Okamoto frowned. "Are you saying the house really is haunted?"
"That's why the asking price was so low," I told her. "Don't worry, though. Sachiko isn't a bad ghost. She's just been here longer than we have, and she thinks it's her place, so her rules should apply."
"I... see," said my mother-in-law.
"What's this about the mug?" asked Mr. Okamoto.
"It's a red one," I said. "It's Sachiko's, and she's very possessive of it. No pun intended."
"Well," said my father-in-law. "A ghost with a mug, a wedding, and my son wanting to go to a forty-flavour ice cream shop. This should be an interesting week."
I couldn't resist a grin. "Family," I said. "Welcome to Willow Creek."
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Journal Entry #57 (part one)
Journal Entry #56 (part three) // STORY INDEX
Victor
So, uh... it's been a really long time.
I'm embarrassed to say, I actually had to check to see when either of us last recorded anything. Turns out, the last entry was Yuri's, and he posted it way back in the middle of March, the day I got my glasses.
It's the seventh of June today. Oops. Talk about major radio silence.
But, just because we haven't posted anything, that doesn't mean our lives haven't been eventful for the past three months. Yuri and I have had quite a lot going on, and maybe our lack of updates is a testament to that.
We were consumed by planning, packing, and preparing Yuri's immigration application for part of the time. Somehow I forgot how much work is involved in an international move despite having already done it before, a little over two years ago. This time is different because it's not just me. It's also Yuri and our dogs, and we've got the purchase of a house thrown into the mix as well, just to make things more complicated. Add that to my and Yuri's respective recovery, continuing drama with the extended family, and some much-needed relationship repair with a few of our friends, and you'll see we've got a very full life indeed.
I'm happy to report that I'm fully recovered from my accident. I was in physio for my arms up until the end of April, but the physical therapist said I could stop the day I told her I was able to lift my own body weight — all 86 kilograms of it — on the pull-up bar at work. I showed her the video Tomiko made of me doing it with just one arm, and the PT said it was obvious I could manage my own physical rehabilitation from that point.
As for the post-concussion symptoms, I'm no longer getting any headaches or random bouts of nausea, and I'm not nearly as light-sensitive now. The first day I was able to go up the mountain again, I had to wear ski goggles because the light reflecting off the snow made my eyes hurt. I really don't like wearing those, and I was glad when I was comfortable enough to take them off.
Yeah, my return to the slopes... that was an event. It probably deserves a whole entry of its own, but let’s just say Yuri, Sakura and Sakura's husband Takeshi made such a big production of it that it's not a day I'll soon forget.
Yuri said he had to be there, so I bundled him up in his warmest clothes, and then Takeshi and I wrapped him in a blanket and hauled him up the mountain on a rescue sled that Takeshi borrowed from Mountain Patrol. Sakura followed with our gear.
Takeshi situated Yuri in a good position to see everything, while Sakura and I got ready, and then it was time. We only did a few runs on one of the intermediate trails, but that was fine by me. I was admittedly nervous, and I didn't think I was ready to practice on the slalom course or the expert slope.
My first run was awful in my opinion, but I felt like I was getting my form and my courage back by the middle of the second one. When I pushed off for the third run, I felt the old, familiar rush of adrenaline coursing through my body and everything was as fluid and natural as if I'd never been away.
By the end of the third trip down the mountain, I was ready to stop for the day. It'd taken way more energy than I'd anticipated, and I was looking forward to going home for a hot bath and then maybe some cuddling and a nap with Yuri. He was exhausted too, mostly from waving his arms around and yelling himself hoarse, cheering me on.
Anyway, you guys all know that I could go on and on forever about snowboarding, so I'll stop here before this entry really does become all about that.
I should tell you about the relatively new thing in my life, which is my glasses. I wasn't sure I'd be okay with them at first, mostly because I didn't like having something constantly touching my face, but I got used to them pretty quickly and now I barely notice them at all. For the first couple of weeks, I wore them throughout the entire day, at the suggestion of the optometrist, and only took them off if I was driving or snowboarding. Now I just put them on if I'm doing something where I need to see clearly close up, like playing games, using the computer or reading.
I'm thrilled that Dr. Ishida was totally right when she said my ability to read was more about vision than intellect. Since getting my glasses, I'm going through books like crazy. I didn't realize how entertaining reading could be, but I guess that's because it's difficult to have a good time doing something when you can only do it for five minutes before you start to feel like your eyeballs might fall out from the strain. Now, I can read for hours at a time if I want to, and it's awesome. Did you know there's a genre of action novels? Kind of like action movies, but you read the story yourself and create the movie part of it in your imagination. It's great.
Yuri likes my newfound ability to read just as much as I do, I think. There's also a genre of historical novels which he happily introduced me to, and then he convinced me that I should read to him at bedtime. So, that became our thing up until I left. We'd curl up in bed together and either I'd read some of his current book to him, or he'd read some of mine to me.
It's been hard for us to read to each other lately, though, since I left Japan on the fifteenth of May. Mom and Julian let me stay with them for a few days until the transaction for our house closed on the eighteenth, and then I moved into our forever home. Except, it didn't feel like our forever home without Yuri there. If I thought leaving Yuri behind in Japan was painful, settling into that spacious house all alone might've been one of the most heartbreaking experiences I've had in recent memory.
Okay, I'm not technically alone. Sachiko the ghost is here, but sharing the place with her hasn't turned out to be as fun as I imagined.
For the first three or four days, I didn't see her at all, and when I finally did find her, she scared the crap out of me by making the tea machine levitate. Apparently, she was mad that I'd used her favourite mug for my tea.
Robert and Kim had left a few dishes in the house, including two mugs, and I'd used one of them because it was conveniently there. How was I supposed to know which one was Sachiko's? Up to that point, I didn't even know ghosts could drink tea, much less that they'd have a mug preference.
I think Sachiko and I are going to need time to get to know each other. She doesn’t seem to trust me, and after the tea machine incident, I’m kinda wary of her too.
The first night I spent in the house, I barely slept at all. Yuri and I chatted on FaceTime until his mother told him to get off his iPad and come have lunch, and then I was on my own. Noon for him was midnight for me, and there were a lot of hours between then and morning when I'd be able to talk to him again.
That was probably super confusing, wasn't it? I guess I should back up a bit and properly explain what's going on.
Just as Yuri and I both feared, he couldn't leave in the middle of his nutrition rehabilitation therapy. We found out that even with Dr. Kasongo's string-pulling to get him onto Dr. Kim's patient caseload, there still might be a months-long waiting time for him to see the doctor and the other professionals for the treatment he needs. He's already on the list, but since there's no way for him to transition seamlessly from one care provider to another, Dr. Kasongo suggested that it'd be better for him to finish his therapy and get his eating routine stabilized before he moves to another country. We agreed with her recommendation because he's been making such great progress, and we didn't want to derail it with a long interruption of his care.
It was a tough choice, but we ultimately decided that I’d travel home by myself to deal with the house closing, and so I could walk my mom down the aisle at her wedding. After the wedding, I'm planning to spend a week in Brindleton Bay with Grandpa Michael, and then I’ll return to Mt. Komorebi to be with Yuri until he's ready to travel. It isn't ideal and neither of us particularly likes it, but as they say, needs must.
The other half of the plan was for Yuri and the dogs to move in with his parents while I'm away. Neither his parents nor I felt comfortable with the idea of him staying alone, and since Mrs. Okamoto is on a leave of absence from work so she can devote her attention to taking care of baby Kinai, that means Yuri will never be without someone nearby if he needs anything. He complained about having to live with his parents temporarily, but I think he's secretly relieved to be close to his mother and to let her help look after him.
It's fascinating to me, how Yuri and I slipped so easily into our old habits that we had at the beginning of our relationship. We'd originally met online in November, not long after Yuri turned twenty and just before I turned twenty-one. His birthday is the twentieth of September and mine is the second of December, in case you may not recall. By February of the following year, we knew for sure that we were in love and wanted to be together forever, and I literally spent the next three years hoarding my money and learning Japanese so I could eventually travel there to be with him. Anyway, During that time, we talked on the phone or on FaceTime least twice every single day, and there were usually lots of texts and pictures and the occasional email or video exchanged in between.
Needless to say, scheduling our calls was important because of that pesky twelve-hour time difference between where I lived and where he lived. We used to talk at seven in the morning and seven at night. We took turns contacting each other, and to avoid confusion, each of us would call when it was morning in our time zone.
Morning calls were harder for me because I was going to college when we first met and then working once I'd graduated, and I could never talk too long as I was getting ready to go out for the day. Yuri's morning calls were better since he worked from home and could still get things done while chatting with me. Plus, it was evening for me then, so I had plenty of time.
Time isn't as much of an issue for us now, since neither of us are working. I resigned from my position at the fitness center in Kiyomatsu, and of course you already know Yuri is on medical leave until at least September. We still begin our video calls at seven o'clock, though. It's nice to have that consistency.
Something we've started doing in this new version of our long-distance relationship is eating together. I’ll usually have an evening snack while he has his breakfast, and sometimes he nibbles on a little something while watching me have mine.
Anyone viewing this might get the impression that we’ve become totally obsessed with food and eating over the last few months. That might be kinda true. but you gotta realize that for Yuri’s therapy to be effective, we always have to be mindful and use a lot of positive reinforcement around eating. So yeah, maybe we do talk about it a lot and maybe I do make a big deal of it even if he eats one small bite of solid food, but one bite without fear or stress is way better than being too anxious to eat at all, and I’d prefer to keep the forward momentum going.
When I first got here, Yuri was still having almost exclusively formula feeds at breakfast time. Then, one day last week when he called me, he appeared on screen with some sort of juice at the corner of his mouth, and when I asked him if he'd been eating, he proudly showed me the tiny bowl of pitted cherries he was snacking on.
"I like these," he said. "I ate seven of them so far."
A quick count revealed three left in the bowl, which he finished during our conversation. Ten cherries may not seem like a lot, but for Yuri, it's huge.
"Have you eaten anything else for breakfast?" I asked.
"Rice crackers with apricot jam, and Yuki let me try her cereal," he said, and then hastened to add. "I used my own spoon."
"You're doing great," I praised him. "Do you even know how proud I am of you right now?"
"Thank you."
"Are you having your formula too?" I asked.
He slid his chair back and lifted up the hem of his shirt so I could see the tube snaking out from under it. "I need the protein. But, guess what?"
"What?"
"I didn't have formula at lunch or dinner yesterday. I ate everything on my own. Oh, and I tried sparkling water."
"Did you like it?"
He wrinkled his nose cutely. "No."
"Better stick with regular water, then."
He nodded. "Mama's making salmon onigiri today. I'm going to try to eat a whole one."
"You like those," I recalled. "You've eaten a whole one before, so I know you can do it."
"Hopefully I've got room for it after my milkshake," he said.
I'll confess I was rendered momentarily speechless by that. I stared hard at the screen, wondering if I'd heard him correctly. "Your... milkshake?" I stammered after a second or two. "As in, actual milk and stuff? But, aren't you—
"Lactose intolerant?" Yuri said. "I'm not, actually."
"What?" I blurted.
"Trust me, I was shocked too."
"But, how...?"
"Remember, Dr. Kasongo scheduled me for all those food tolerance tests? You know, to see if I'm allergic to anything, or to see if I have low tolerance for gluten or sugar or... whatever?"
"Yeah," I said. "Mostly, I remember being stressed out because she scheduled it for after I left, and I couldn't go with you."
"I would've liked for you to be with me, but it was okay," he said. "Papa came with me, and it wasn't as scary as I imagined. We got the results yesterday."
"And you're really not lactose intolerant?"
"I'm really not. My nutritionist thinks it may have been a psychological intolerance more than a physical one."
"Meaning what, exactly? Like, dairy products made you feel sick because you convinced yourself they would?"
"Something like that," he said. "Mama says she thinks it might've been partially her fault. She says she tried to get me to drink milk and eat cheese when I was little, but it always gave me an upset stomach, so she eventually stopped trying. I guess we all just assumed I was lactose intolerant after that. Then, any time I had anything with milk in it, it was more my anxiety that was making me feel sick than my body's actual response to it."
"Huh," I said. "So... milkshakes?"
"Strawberry milkshakes. They're delicious and they're packed with calories." He beamed, clearly pleased with himself. "After my appointment yesterday afternoon, we all went out for American food.”
“That’s where you had the milkshake, I guess?”
“Mm-hmm. Mama and I shared a salad, but I tried one of Yuki’s French fries. Papa and Yuki both got milkshakes with their meal, and Yuki talked me into tasting that as well since we found out it wouldn't hurt me."
"And you were okay?"
"I was a little nervous afterwards and I thought I might be sick, but I kept telling myself not to panic. When I settled down, my stomach settled down too."
That was major progress. The old Yuri likely would’ve panicked, and he would’ve been throwing up and miserable for the rest of the day. Of course, he still might have had pain and an upset stomach regardless of what he ate or drank, but it made me wonder what percentage of his problems in the past were due to real digestive issues related to his illness and what percentage were caused by his severe anxiety around food.
He keeps telling me that he doesn’t like his psychologist and that he doesn’t think their sessions are doing any good, but I’m convinced somebody in that equation must be doing something right. Three months ago, Yuri wouldn’t have gotten within ten meters of American food, much less tried fries or a milkshake. Just the smell of deep-fried food would’ve been enough to make him nauseous back then.
Honestly, I don’t think he even realizes how far he’s come since he first started his nutrition rehab back in March.
"That's awesome," I said. "You’re doing amazing. And you’re having another go at milkshakes today?”
He nodded. "Papa bought strawberry ice cream. Did you know he knows how to make milkshakes at home?"
"I didn't know he knew how, but it's pretty easy anyway. Not much different than making a smoothie."
"Oh. So does that mean I could have extra strawberries in my strawberry milkshake? Or some other fruit?"
I laughed. "If you wanted to."
"When Papa comes home for lunch, I have to tell him." He looked excited. "This could be an adventure."
"Let me know how it goes."
He grinned at me. "I will."
I have no words to describe how happy it made me to see Yuri like that, and for the first time in a while, I let myself believe we were approaching something like a normal existence.
If he keeps going this way, he might be off his feeding tube entirely by the end of the summer. Then, we'll be able to come back here together and settle into the life we're both dreaming of.
I'm not naïve enough to think it'll be all smooth sailing after this, but I'm optimistic enough to believe we’re finally going to make it through the worst of the proverbial storm.
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Journal Entry #56 (part three)
Journal Entry #56 (part two) // STORY INDEX
Yuri
Victor and I were just getting out of the bath, where we’d been relaxing after playtime more than we’d actually been bathing, when his phone rang. For some reason, he’d brought It into the bathroom with us. I frowned at the intrusion, but Victor reacted like he was anticipating it. He bounded forward and scooped his phone off the counter by the sink.
“It’s probably the optician,” he said excitedly, and then answered the call with a cheerful, “Hello? Victor Okamoto-Nelson speaking.”
It did turn out to be the optician, phoning to say Victor’s new glasses were ready.
"That was quick," I observed, as soon as he'd hung up and told me what it was about.
"Yeah," he said. "I thought I'd be waiting until tomorrow. But, you got your last pair in less than twenty-four hours, didn't you? Maybe they like to under-promise and over-deliver."
"Always a good customer service policy," I said.
"Do you want to come with me to get them?"
I shook my head. "I'd like to, but I'm running low on energy. Still recovering from yesterday." I offered him a smile. "And this morning."
He looked me up and down. "I guess we did get a little more energetic than we intended."
"You're worth it," I said.
"So are you."
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then ran off to his room to get ready to go out.
As for me, I took my time getting ready for the day. There was no need to rush, and it felt good to pay attention to each little aspect of my personal care routine and to appreciate being able to do all of it for myself.
Joy and pleasure can be found in the smallest or simplest things, if only we slow down and pay attention. And those same small things are reasons to be grateful too. Brushing my teeth, moisturizing my face, combing my hair… each task felt wonderful, not just from a physical perspective, but also because I was happy and thankful to finally be well enough to do them on my own.
Please let this last, I thought.
I’m not generally a praying person, but I hoped that if there was some almighty force controlling all our destinies, it would hear what I was thinking and grant me a reprieve from the stress and suffering I’d had to endure recently.
I glanced at myself in the mirror one more time. Satisfied with what I saw, I finally made my way downstairs to wait for Victor to get back. He’d left while I was still in the midst of putting myself together, which was fine with me. I was sure he wouldn't be long, in any case.
I got comfortable on the sofa with the dogs, turned on the TV and settled down to watch anime while I waited.
I thought Victor would only be gone for an hour or so, but when I realized over two hours had passed and he still hadn't returned, I started to worry. He was only going to pick up his glasses. He should've been home, unless...
Don't panic, I told myself. Just text him.
A few deep breaths helped to slow my racing heartbeat. I wiggled my phone out of my back pocket and was about to send Victor a message when I heard the faint sound of keys in the lock of the front door.
The dogs hopped off the sofa, but neither of them barked. They bark at everyone except me, Victor and Yuki. I let out my breath in a huge exhalation.
A few seconds later, Victor came around the corner with his new glasses perched on his nose, a large cloth shopping bag in his hand and a million watt smile on his face.
“Yuri, look!" he exclaimed, holding up the red and grey striped bag. "I bought books!”
I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. He may be a grown man, but in that moment he resembled nothing so much as a little boy proudly showing off his prized possession to his favourite grownup.
When I finally caught my breath, I held my arms out to him and said, “Come here.” Then, I quickly had to add, “No, Victor. Put your books down first.”
He set his shopping bag on the table as if it contained the most precious objects in the universe, and then caught me in a jubilant hug. “Are you proud of me?”
“I’m very proud of you,” I said. “I wish you'd told me you were making a detour, though."
"I didn't mean to not tell you," he said. "But, I got distracted.”
“Oh? Distracted by books?”
“Exactly. I noticed there's an international bookshop across the street from the optician's office, and I was kind of curious about what they had in English, so I went in. I started looking at the books, and then I started reading and lost track of time."
"You were reading in the bookshop?"
"Yeah!" he said. "For more than five minutes, and I didn't even get a headache, and nothing looked weird or distorted at all."
"That's wonderful," I said. "Which books did you get?"
"I got one about the history of the Olympics, and one about samurai, and two action novels. Did you know they made those? Like action movies, but books.
"I had some idea, yes."
"I already read almost two chapters of one of them while I was hanging out in the bookshop. Now, I have to know what happens."
I smiled. "Welcome to the world of reading."
"Thanks," he said.
"Why don't you show me all your books?” I suggested. “Maybe you can read to me and show me how well you can do now that you've got your glasses."
He nodded, and happily agreed. We curled up together with his bag of books, and for the next hour I was content to snuggle with him and listen to the surprisingly interesting history of the Olympic Games.
Remember what I said before about being a little more hopeful with each passing day? That's been more true over the past two days than all the days that came before. This morning, for the first time in a very long time, I dared to let myself believe that the future was something to look forward to instead of something to dread.
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