florist roses having no scent is actually so messed up. we bred the roses to look "perfect" and last a long time and but they have lost The thing that people have loved them for the most for thousands of years. now when u smell a boquet of roses all you can smell is the chemical scent of plant food unless they're actual garden roses. there's a metaphor in here somewhere

Haha so I know no one cares about me or what I say here so I just wanna dump my feelings.

I had a nightmare? last night that just had me thinking about how little my ex did for me and how I just let him be like that. Yes, I don’t know or understand my self worth because I’m ✨broken✨but I promise I’m trying to fix that. But when I was in that dumb relationship I literally believed that that was the best I was going to get and that I should just accept how he treats me because asking him to change how he was and how he acted was rude of me.

So he never planned dates. When we went to get fast food I usually paid because Filipino instinct but also I was the only one working. Like talking about who paid was always uncomfortable. When we tried to do picnics, he would always turn down my request to get some hot food to eat with our sandwich stuff because “we don’t need it.” It was winter in Eastern Washington and I just wanted some hot mac and cheese (and yes we went outside for a winter picnic because we were dumb and it was the only private place we could hang out on a gender seperated Christian campus that locked its buildings on saturday because of the sabbath). It was always me asking to go out to do something and I would tell him to start getting ready and always, ALWAYS I would be stuck waiting for him to get ready. Sitting in the boys parking lot all dressed up can be really embarassing sometimes. And I was the only one driving in our relationship and he knew I hated driving. All my friends know I hate driving thats why they drive for me. But he never got his license or had the initiative to do so. So I always drove TO HIM and FOR HIM.

But the one thing that I tolerated too much and that probably left me more hurt than I realized was that he never paid attention to my love languages. My love languages are touch and gift giving and recieving. With the gift giving/recieving, it has to be spontaneous, unpromted, and its just a physical reminded that they are always on my mind. I gave soooo many gifts. Random video games so we can play together, food when he was working late, a stuffed frog he casually mentioned was his childhood favorite that he lost in a fire and more that were so special and sentimental and specific for him. I gifted a lot because that was how I showed love.

But he rarely gifted me things. The most meaningful thing he ever gave me was a brick for my brick collection. He even told me it was less than a dollar.

The absolute one thing I wanted from him over and over and over again was flowers. Random flowers, birthday flowers, even just a flower he picked from the ground. BUT HE NEVER DID IT WITHOUT ME BEGGING HIM FOR IT. THAT’S RIGHT, I HAD TO BEG FOR MY FLOWERS. And I can count the number of times it happened. He gave me roses once on my 19th birthday because I told him for two weeks that it would be really nice to get some roses on my birthday. The second time was when we had a big fight around christmas and I told him he had to get me flowers or I wouldn’t talk to him until christmas was over. That’s it, I got flowers twice. TWICE IN OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

Lets talk about the first one because I was begged him for two weeks to get me a nice bouquet of roses and thats all I wanted (no extra present or anything because I was already taking him along to spend a day in LA and yes I paid for our food that day). And the day of he tells me to come pick him up an hour later than I had set for because he was still looking for roses. He had two weeks to plan and prepare, maybe place an order at any of the florists in town, or even buy it the night or two before. But he waited till the morning of and he didn’t tell him mom till then either (who was driving him around) and low and behold, no grocery had a bouquet of roses prepped. He did eventually get me roses. Exactly 4 roses that they got from his mom’s friend’s yard with not enough of the thorns removed and imthey were tied together with this ugly brown wire ribbon. I’m sorry but I was disappointed.

I was even more disappinted when Valentines came about that year and I was planning a very sweet dinner for us. I told him so. I cooked all day between my classes (it was a tuesday) and was soooo freaked out about getting it to be perfect. I had a gift for him too. Of course I didn’t tell him a out the gift, it was a surprise. I had set up our dinner in a little nook on campus and texted him to come. He show up like 45 min late even though it was a 2 min walk from his dorm. Its not like dinner was a surprise I was texting him excitedly all day. But he was late and it was winter so the food got cold. And I was just hoping, wishing, that he was late because he was getting a gift or flowers for me. But that wasn’t it. He was just late. Thats it. And he had nothing for me.

To this day my only wish is to recieve unpromted flowers on Valentines day. In high school I was never with someone at the time, so I never got any. And after that first Valentines with him I never got my hopes up for the following holidays. So in the three years we were together I never, NEVER recieved flowers or a gift on Valentines day. And I never got flowers on my following birthdays either. I just want someone to gift me flowers.

The feeling of reciving a gift umptomted is just really important to me. Idk, it just tells me that there was this moment where something made the other think of me and thats why they got that gift for me. At least that’s what goes through my head when I get gifts for others. I gift to my friends all the fucking time. And their happiness when they open that shit fuels me. Special hand lotion for my bestie. A funky christmas tie for my bro-friend to match his dad. A Disney nurse bade clip so my cousin can stand out at her first clinical rotation. I put so much thought and care into the gift I get people because that shit makes me happy. But that goddamn ex never reciprocated that for me and that shit hurt. ESPECIALLY THE FLOWERS.

This is already getting long but it’s okay cause I know no one is reading my shit. But I’ll probably talk about my touch love language another time because THAT SHIT WAS NEGLECTED TOO. I’m really not okay lol but someday I hope I can trust someone again so maybe they can buy me flowers🥺