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gaiyofanfiction · 6 years

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“Love Yourself” Reader!Namjoon Angst/Fluff

“Love Yourself”

Oneshot

Reader!Namjoon Angst/Fluff

A/N: This was requested by an anon. Actually was requested a while ago. I really am truly sorry I took so long to write this. The reason I went on a bit of a hiatus is that I went into a period of doubt. I felt my writing was incredibly subpar and I almost thought I was going to quit. No ideas were flowing and I just couldn’t get myself to write. After some time and talking to my bestie (Yōsei) I finally got some courage to write again. I really, really hope you like it! Anon didn’t specify the topic, so I made up my own situation. ~ Gaishō

Disclaimer: This is pure fiction. Namjoon is such a soft sweetheart and cares for every thing and every one.

Trigger Warning: Slight abuse and attempt to rape. Plus, Namjoon angst... I mean that shit hurts.

“I spy with my little eye… A bored Joonie who needs a pick-me-up.” You creep up behind him as he’s studying.

He turns around with a big dimpled smile and reaches out his hand, “You didn’t…”

“Oh yes I did! A coffee milk tea with boba!” You hand him the chilled drink and his eyes widen with excitement.

“You’re the best. Hey, have you started studying for the psychology exam?”

You scoff, “that exam is one month away… You really think I started?”

“True, I was never as smart as you,” he says as he nestles his face between his fists and gives you a look of wonder.

You sort of shrug it off and start to study with him. There was some time of silence, but your mind starts to wander. Flipping pages and doodling on the side, you sigh and sigh again.

“What’s wrong Y/N? Your mind seems occupied with something else.” He closes his books and averts all his attention to you.

You look at your fingers and start to fiddle with your nails. Namjoon notices this and puts his hands over yours. Your cheeks become flushed.

“Hey, you know you can always talk to me. Want to go for a walk and clear your head?”

Without saying anything you nod and you both start packing up your things.

Walking beside each other you both head to your favorite park with the trail. It’s the middle of fall so all the leaves are changing beautiful colors and the sunlight illuminates the leaves to make them look like shining stained glass.

He nudges you to sit at one of the benches that are placed under this big willow tree. There was some awkward silence, but he finally says something.

“S-so, what’s been on that busy mind of yours?” He pokes your temple playfully.

You swing your legs back and forth and lean forward to sigh. “Do you believe in love?”

Suddenly Namjoon was a bit flustered. He looks the other way and runs his fingers through his hair. “Heh, y-yeah of course, with the right person. I believe there is someone for every one.”

You begin to get antsy and start bouncing your knees. “W-well, what if you’re afraid to ask them out? What if they don’t like you back?”

Namjoon thinks to himself for a little bit, and then smiles. “Then you tried. If we let our opportunities pass by, you may never get them again. It’s better to try and fail than to never have tried at all. Everything is a learning experience.”

His words always calm your thoughts. You giggle a little bit and nudge his shoulder with yours. “Thanks Joonie. Walk me home?”

“Always,” he replies with content.

Once Namjoon says goodbye to you at your doorsteps you give him a warm hug and head into your apartment.

Dropping your things left and right you head straight into your room to change into some baggy sweatpants and sweater. Plopping onto your bed you stare at your phone and one contact in particular.

Your finger hovering over the call button you keep having second thoughts. In the back of your mind you think about what Namjoon told you. ‘Sigh. Why does he always have to be right…’

You hit the call button and each ring made you more and more nervous.

“Hello?”

You freeze. Your mouth opens, but words don’t come out.

“Hello? Anybody there?”

Swallowing the lump in your throat you finally talk, “y-yes! Hi! It’s me, Y/N. Sorry.”

“Hey! What’s up?”

You start to tap your foot rapidly, “u-uhm, I was wondering if you… would go on a date with me?”

“Y/N, I thought you’d never ask. I’d love to go on a date with you.”

“O-oh my god, really!? I can’t wait!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Y/N.”

“See you tomorrow… Shane.”

You squeal in delight. ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe I just asked him out!’ You went right to sleep dreaming about your date with Shane tomorrow.

The next morning you woke up with so much excitement that you showed up incredibly early to the coffee shop where you said you would meet Shane.

You sat there watching people pass you by hoping one of them is Shane. Suddenly you hear a familiar voice.

“Oh? Y/N! What are you doing here?” He walks up to you with a sweet smile with a coffee drink in each hand.

“N-Namjoon!?” His presence really caught you off guard.

He looks at you with a puzzled face. “I thought we were meeting at the library today so we can study together.”

You don’t respond and start to fidget with your fingers.

“Ah, you forgot…” The sweet smile leaves his face leaving a blank stare.

Another voice yells for you, “Y/N! Hey! I’m over here!”

He comes up to you and wraps his hand around your waist making you blush and your heart is racing.

“You can’t be serious… him!? All this time it was Choi Seung Ho!?” Namjoon says in a bit of an angry tone.

“Hey man, it’s Shane. And don’t wear it out.” He pulls you in closer to him. Your face is beet red at this point.

“Please, Joonie… Calm down. I-I wanted to tell you.”

“Joonie? What kind of stupid name is that?” Shane interrupts.

You ignore his comment and continue to keep eye contact with Namjoon. You see in his eyes he’s completely hurt. But, you think of an idea to make up for it.

“W-we’ll study tomorrow, okay? And I’ll treat you to some good food! I promise!” You smile and giggle.

Namjoon doesn’t respond. His demeanor was seemingly cold. ‘I don’t understand. Is there something more to his behavior?’

“Well! You won’t be needing two coffee drinks anymore.” Shane snatches one of the drinks from Namjoon and he takes you with him.

You look behind to see Namjoon in shock. Never have you ever seen him so broken. ‘He’ll understand… Right?’

For now, you just focus on your date with Shane. The night went pretty well, better than you expected. However, towards the end of the date he brings up Namjoon.

“So, what’s up with your friend? He’s seems to be really into you,” Shane claims.

“W-what? No way. He’s just my best friend.”

“Hmph, yeah. Joonie, Joonie, Joonie!” He mocks you.

You didn’t like his comment. It actually turned you off. “Uhm, well it was a great first date. I really do have to get home and study tonight. Chat later?”

He scoffs. “Yeah sure. Maybe next date will be at my place,” he winks at you suggestively.

You feel disgusted, but you let it go. You say your goodbyes and head in different directions.

Walking home you start to think about how Namjoon is doing. You call him to check in on him. The phone rings and rings, but it doesn’t go to voicemail.

“H-he rejected my call!?” You scream.

You call him again, and again, and each time he rejects it. You start to feel a little sick to your stomach. ‘Oh Y/N, what have you done this time…’

That night you tossed and turned, barely getting any sleep. *BEEP, BEEP, BEEP* Your alarm clock jolts you awake. ‘It feels like I didn’t sleep at all.’

Sighing, you slump out of your bed and check your phone to see if Namjoon called or texted back. Instead, you see that you have a missed text from Shane.

It reads: “Hey baby, my place tonight ;)”

You gulp. Your anxiety acts up and your hands start to shake. ‘I have a bad feeling about this date. All I can think about is Namjoon right now…’

Checking the time you see it’s close to the time you normally have study sessions with Namjoon so you pack your things and head to the library.

Arriving at the library you sit at your normal meeting place and set your things down. Minutes pass, then hours. You call and text Namjoon what seemed like a hundred times.

Finally, you get up and start to look around at the usual spots he would be at. A light bulb went off. ‘I know! He’s probably at the studio rapping. He does that when he’s stressed.’

You went to the local music studio and sure enough you find Namjoon rapping his heart out. While watching you find yourself immersed in his lyrics and even feel how he feels; all the anger, frustration, and sadness.

He finishes up and you see him sweating, even panting because of how hard he’s working. You tap on the glass and he looks up, but not with a smile. It was almost a death glare and it sent shivers down your spine.

He comes out from the recording studio. “What are you doing here?”

You play with your sleeves. “I-I was wondering how come you haven’t been returning my texts or calls. You didn’t even show up to the library.”

Namjoon doesn’t even bat an eye. “Figured you’d be with Shane. Ya know, your new boy toy.”

You didn’t like how he said that and you cross your arms. “Chill, we went on one date. What’s it to you anyway?”

He shakes his head and laughs. “Seriously, Y/N? He’s an asshole. You could do so much better.”

“He’s not an asshole. He just has a different sense of humor. I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it.”

Suddenly he slams both his fists onto the table, “because I love you! I have always loved you. But, you decide to date some guy who just wants to get in your pants.”

His words caught you off guard. Your face turns bright red and your eyes start to well up with tears. It took you a second to gather your words. “H-he’s not that kind of person!” You start to choke. Your voice got lower and you murmur, “at least he was man enough to ask me out on a date.”

Namjoon just about had it. Before he replies he starts to gather his things before you. He did it so calmly it was scary. “Y/N, I thought I knew you. You’ve been abused in the past by so many boyfriends and I just wanted to be the guy that could be there for you emotionally. I have always been by your side; every text, every call, every night that you have cried. As time went on I started to fall in love with your soul. It amazed me how anyone could treat you so poorly. You’re such a wonderful person. But, I put my emotions aside so you could fully recover. I never asked you out because I wanted to wait till you were ready.”

He walks past by you and stops. “I guess I was wrong. You’re not the person who I thought you were.”

Namjoon walked away without looking back. Your knees start to buckle, but you turn around quickly to yell after him.

He stops again, but still doesn’t look back. “Bye, Y/N.”

He exits the studio. Your heart was breaking. ‘How could I have been so blind!? God I am so stupid!’

You run home sobbing. All you could think about was how ignorant you have been this whole time.

“Please pick up, please pick up,” you say as you try to call Namjoon. Of course he rejects every call. You keep trying to get a hold of him.

Suddenly he picks up. “N-Namjoon? Please!”

“Y/N…” He says softly.

“Yes? Please… Please talk to me.”

“Don’t EVER text me, and don’t EVER call me again. I never want to see your face again. I wish our paths never crossed in the first place,” he says firmly and hangs up the phone.

Your jaw drops and you drop to the floor. Crying so hard you gasp for air and can’t control your body from shaking. ‘Namjoon, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry I hurt you.’

Your phone starts to buzz and you hurry over to see who it is. ‘Ah crap, I still have my date at Shane’s house.’

It was Shane texting you his address. Feeling at a loss you didn’t know what to do, but you sure as hell didn’t want to date Shane anymore. ‘Joonie was right.’

You text Shane back asking if he could meet you outside first, he didn’t understand why, but he said that was fine. You planned to end it then and there.

Arriving to Shane’s house you felt sick. ‘Hopefully I can just cut this thing off and go home.’

The door creeks open and Shane comes out to see you. He kisses your cheek and you back away.

“What’s wrong, babe? Looks like you’ve been crying.”

“Uh, yeah. Shane, I-I thought I could do this. But, I don’t think I’m ready to date anyone right now. I came here to tell you that face-to-face. I didn’t want to be rude.”

He grabs your waist and pulls you in, “oh c’mon baby. I can make you feel better. Is it that Namjoon dick? Forget about him. I’ll show you a good time.”

Suddenly his hands were under your shirt. You try to push away, but he has his grip on you. “Let me go! I don’t want to be with you!”

Shane slaps you right across the face and his hand wraps tight around your neck, “bitch, nobody says no to me. You’re coming with me.”

You scream and fight him as much as you could. ‘No, this can’t be happening. Not again!’

You shut your eyes tight and continue to fight him hoping you can break free. All of a sudden you hear Shane grunt and fall to the ground. Opening your eyes you see that Namjoon punched Shane in the face.

Shane gets up and pats down his shirt, “fuck this, you can have her.” He walks back into his house and closes the door.

Namjoon just stood there with a tight fist. He still doesn’t look at you. “You alright?”

Tears stream down your face, “y-yeah. Joonie?”

He starts to walk away, “don’t call me that.” He disappears into the distance.

‘I swear death would be less painful than this.’

You stood there with a blank stare, not knowing what to do or where to go next. It felt as if your insides were ripped to shreds. Sighing to yourself, “I guess this is what they mean by ‘you don’t know a good thing till it’s gone.’”

Days passed, even months. Eventually you let Namjoon alone; no texts, no phone calls, not even trying to find him at his normal hangout spots. Life was dull. All you really wanted was to see him smile again, to hear him laugh again.

It was just any ordinary day, but something compelled you to go and get a coffee drink. Walking in the shop brought back memories of Namjoon. The smells were so overwhelming you couldn’t decide if you wanted to smile or cry.

“Miss? What would you like to drink?” asks the cashier.

“O-oh, yes. Uh, coffee milk tea with boba, please.”

The cashier quickly whips up your drink and hands it to you. You hand her your card, but she shakes her head, “the man over there paid for your drink.”

When you looked over you see… Namjoon!? You completely froze and almost dropped your drink. He didn’t smile, but you two stared at a distance for what seemed like an eternity.

‘I guess I should at least thank him.’ You slowly walk over to him and he motions for you to sit down.

“Hm, t-thank you for the drink, Namjoon.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

The silence was so awkward, but neither of you knew what to say.

Namjoon clears his throat, “you know why I always enjoyed taking you to the benches at the park under the willow tree?”

You tilt your head. ‘What a random question to open up a conversation with.’

He continues. “Willow trees signify strength, stability, balance…life.”

You scoff, “none of which I possess.”

Namjoon ignores what you say; “it was a place of learning for me. Where I would sift through the racing thoughts in my mind and find peace and clarity. I brought you there so you could experience the same thing... Each day you blossomed. Y/N, I literally watched you grow to become a much stronger and better woman. I saw you do it for yourself, and no one else. But, the day you became weak-kneed for Shane, was the day you doubted yourself. You didn’t respect yourself…”

“And most of all, I hurt you,” you say as your voice starts to shake and eyes welling up with tears.

“Y/N, I love you. But you need to love yourself too.”

“Take me to the willow tree. Please, Joonie?”

Your hand stretched out for his. His face lit up with his dimpled smile. ‘I swear his dimples just jump-started my heart. I feel alive again.’

Grabbing your hand he leads you to the willow tree at the park. Just like old times. You both sit next to each other sipping your coffee drinks under the tree. It was quiet and peaceful.

Namjoon slowly whispered, “You should go and love yourself.”

You smile a little and whisper back, “…love myself.”

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