#tw: discussions of what it's like to be extremely self-loathing.
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20. what is something your muse wants to tell others, but is too afraid to?
hey, @absensia! thank you very much for the ask (: it means a lot to me that you'd drop one in my inbox, if i'm being honest!! but of course... i'm incredibly grateful for everyone's submissions in regards to the prompts i posted for barton! alright, so my answer to this one is probably going to be long like the last, so please bear with me while i pour out all of my thoughts as to what i believe barton has wanted to tell people for years. and that is that he might need help — which, considering how much blood he has gotten on his hands + the very poor state of his mind, isn't that unreasonable at all. though barton doesn't want to bring this up to anyone for a multitude of reasons; one of which is because he fears he'll be seen as weak and because he's pretty much convinced himself internally that he doesn't deserve it. though i feel as if most of the time, barton not only feels this irrational as well as powerful hatred towards everyone else, but towards himself, too. which are both dangerous mindsets to be in within their own right.
when you feel like you are completely unlovable but are also so chronically lonely at the same time that you will quite literally seek people out who you know hate your guts, because in a way, seeing them almost validates what you feel about yourself + you also feel so lonely sometimes that you feel like you're going insane ( or more than he already was before anyhow ) ; in barton's opinion, that is probably one of the very definitions of ' something's wrong. ' especially since this has led him down some pretty dark paths before: both with things like self-medicating using alcohol and getting into this relationship with someone that he knows is bad news, but who he believes he belongs with on some degree. this is because they're both terrible, and they feed into each other's desire to receive their own extremely unhealthy idea's of what love is. an idea that love is inherently violent when that is anything but what love actually is.
and barton knows that it's wrong deep in the back of his mind because he is at his absolute worst when he's with this person, but like i mentioned previously, he doesn't believe he deserves any better than them so he hasn't told anyone about what he's been feeling. however, when you disassociate like barton does sometimes in which you genuinely do not remember what the hell happened for a certain amount of time, since your brain is struggling so hard to cope with all of these bad feelings you're feeling and terrible things you're exposing it to that it feels the need to tuck it away somewhere... you should absolutely seek help as he has subtly alluded to how he often feels a few times around his kids, and they were probably the most concerned about him that they've ever been.
but the problem remains that the action of actually reaching out to people feels impossible for barton. both in the way that he wouldn't even know where to begin explaining his feelings into words, on account of them feeling so complex that he feels like he can't even name them a majority of the time, as well as that he was taught that seeking help was something to look down upon by wesley. this is also attributable to the desire that barton feels to appear like he's perfect all the time, as i had highlighted in one of my previous posts on here. and acknowledging that you are actively struggling goes against that, along with the fact that talking to someone is a sign of confidence in yourself. which barton is actually lacking in despite appearances.
though anyhow, i know that this was probably an awfully heavy thing to have to read through, and i'm sorry for that in advance. but barton, kind of like real people, are not the sum of their parts — so i felt like it was important to explain how he feels wholly and without things being sugarcoated / left out. i hope you liked this answer anyhow, though, and are having a great day so far! thanks again for the ask.
#absensia#YOUR NEED GREW TEETH: character study.#asks.#i'm going to try my best to include all potential triggers that were in here but please let me know if i missed any!#tw: discussions of self-medicating with alcohol and self-harming by means of getting involved in a toxic relationship.#tw: mentions of disassociation.#tw: discussions of what it's like to be extremely self-loathing.#tw: negative outlook on seeking help for mental illness.#the concept of loneliness as a destructive force.#tw: a VERY unhealthy view of love and feeling like you deserved something bad happening to you.#ANGER'S HELPED ME STAY ALIVE: headcanons.
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Why I give Hua Cheng a BPD headcanon
⚠️TW⚠️: mentions of self harm/suicidal behaviors in paragraph 7
hua cheng shows about 7 of the 9 criteria to be diagnosed with bpd
1. His sense of self is almost always changing between feeling extremely positive and confident in his self and feeling extreme self loathing. He will go from saying things about himself like he is one of the most "sincere" people to thinking of himself as a monster.. He most often feels shame especially with his appearance and will use his shape-shifting abilities to hide his true form from the people he cares about. His sense of self is very often changing and can be heavily affected by the people around him.
2. He can be impulsive whether that be constantly gambling or challenging several gods to a fight he often does impulsive things that could potentially be self destructive
3. He has extreme fear of abandonment. He struggles to open up to Xie Lian due to thinking that he will be rejected and tossed aside. He goes to extreme lengths to avoid this rejection. This could be seen as Hua Cheng going to extreme lengths to avoid being abandoned. This probably stems from the fact that he had an unstable homelife and was often kicked out and didn't have any strong attachments for years.
4. He struggles with interpersonal relationships specifically with idealization and devaluation and alot of these can seem like bpd splitting(viewing others in black and white thinking). This is shown in the fact that he has a really hard time trusting literally anyone and viewing most people as horrible people and a threat even if he has no reason to. He has a hard time coming to terms with people being more moraly gray. One of the exceptions to this and his extreme idealization is in his relationship to Xie Lian. Infact you could even argue that Xie Lian is his fp(favorite person). Hua Cheng spent majority of his life surrounding his whole motivations and personality to Xie Lian. This can be obsessive and even negatively affect his mental health at times. Of course Xie Lian and Hua Cheng end up in a healthy relationship this is not to romanticize fps but merely discuss how Hua Cheng most certainly has an fp and that is Xie Lian.
5. He often suffers from mood swings. Although it is not outwardly stated but you can infer that he does because he can often experience extreme intense unstable emotions. He is shown multiple times to have such intense mood swings that he can hit rock bottom within minutes and then his mood can bounce right back up just as quickly. You can see this all the way back to his childhood to now whatever you call being 800 years old.
6. He very much struggles with controlling his anger. I mean it's stated several times within the series that he is so angry at the world. And rightfully so considering his conditions growing up. I mean he has been shown to set things on fire out of pure anger. I mean this is all in a fantasy setting in real life us people with bpd don't go around doing this stuff. But it's also shown that his anger issues can be internalized as well.
7. ⚠️Major TW for this all⚠️:
And finally we have his sucidal and self harming behaviors. We are first introduced to his character when he was barely even 10 years old and our first introduction to him was as a child he attempted to fall to his death but was saved by Xie Lian in the first chapter. I mean I feel so bad for this character becuz he really hasn't changed much in the sense you can always tell that he's almost always suicidal. I mean his character has died not once, not twice, but three times in the whole series. He really struggles with this. He also tends to struggle with self harming behaviors. I mean he ripped his own eye out what more evidence do you need for this. (Sorry I had to include this cuz this is one of the main diagnostic criteria for bpd once again sorry for the triggering topic)
Honestly I love these books and I love Hua Cheng's character and it's nice to see he finally got a second chance at a happy life with Xie Lian but he also suffers alot. Of course alot of this is in the fantasy genre so some of this is pretty unrealistic but one of the most realistic things about this is his struggle with mental health and idk I just feel like it's not talked about enough infact alot of these aspects of his character tend to be romanticized. I just wanted to discuss something I noticed in his character because I also have bpd and I noticed the same traits in his character. Anyways I just wanted to share this please do not use this to romanticize these aspects of his character but only to further analyze this part of him. If you noticed any other traits I missed please comment I would love to have a discussion about this.
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* ABBEY LEE KERSHAW, FEMALE + SHE/HER | you know ADELAIDE MONTSERRAT, right? they’re 27, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, TWO YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to EVE BY KAT CUNNING like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole FAWN-EYED, BOWED LEGS, EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is OCTOBER & 30TH, so they’re a SCORPIO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( lenny, 24, est+2, she/her )
tw: depression, eating / psychological disorders, animal abuse, drugs
ABOUT.
name: adelaide montserrat
nickname: addie
age: 27
pronouns: she/her
occupation: socialite, philanthropist, prodigy ballerina
gender: cis female
sexuality: bisexual
pinterest
The Montserrat established themselves in Barcelona, Spain, over millennia ago, known as fierce leaders and ruthless business men, quick to make a name for themselves the trading and exporting business, while the women in the bloodline were promptly pushed aside from books and history, hiding somewhere between a stove and their husband’s fists.
Adelaide Montserrat was different, that’s what everybody thought - she was graceful, even as a child, she didn’t cry, even as a toddler, and she never ached for her mother’s arms, even as an infant. An early bloomer of exceptional talent, she could dance as soon as she could walk. And yet Adelaide was never one to develop long-lasting or intimate relationships with her peers --- people never seemed to be comfortable sitting with her for long. Maybe it was because there was never a girl there to begin with, and intimacy betrayed the act: there was no child, only a pale, wide-eyed zombie, always hungry, always empty.
If you dared to pry beyond the red curtains, you’d not find the delicate creature strangers saw twirling on the stage, but the bottomless edge of an abyss, waiting to swallow you whole as it looked back with smiling teeth. Little Addie, once a girl with pink tutus and ballerina shoes, was never one to be meddled with - while she could easily captivate the hearts of her peers and teachers with red cheeks and a clever tongue, there was nothing warm or kind about the little girl whose parents held so close she nearly choked to death.
Adelaide was the product of a one night stand and poor lack of judgement, or so her mother liked to recount. Her father — whomever he was, was a married man with a lot to lose, and her mother might not have known much — but she knew alimony payments would beat whatever he was willing to offer her in order to get rid of Adelaide. So, she kept the baby, and even then --- she was unbearable. Adelaide kicked, day and night, as soon as her legs could muster, like she couldn’t stand to be trapped in the womb a moment longer.
They were living largely, manors and pools and cocktails, while Addie grew up receiving the best education money could buy, alternating between hunting and horseback riding on weekends, and training classical instruments such as the cello and piano in her spare time. Being praised for her dedication and skill, for some time, she indulged the idea of becoming a professional pianist, if only to please her parents, but the idea was soon took a backseat in her mind when she discovered just how good she was at ballet.
Adelaide had always been more of a shiny trophy to flaunt at parties rather than daughter or grandchild to dot upon, so by the time she was 13 her family was quite happy to ship her to Paris, if it meant she would enroll in the prestigious Paris Opera Ballet School and make a name for herself. She’d still come home to visit on holidays, that was until her mother moved to New York in order to appease bachelor number three: CEO of Belmont Entertainment Industries (BEI), one of the largest record labels in the U.S, with a side of illegal activities they didn’t really care to discuss at dinner.
It didn’t take long for Addie to make an impression, she was dedicated — hungrier than the other girls, always willing to push a little further, go a little deeper, die a little more. All of the shouting, the groping, the self-hatred, she never broke. Had it been not for her ego and pride, she would’ve been flawless. You’d assume being the young and on the spotlight meant competing for attention - but she never competed. She never even considered it a competition. She won, plain and simple. You see, Adelaide didn’t lose, because she tailored the game to her whims and batted her heavy set of lashes to make it seem fair. And if she did lose - the game be damned; she’d destroy it and any evidence of her failure. She didn’t want to be daughter, or something for men to gawk at, or a pretty glittered thing for little girls to worship. She wanted to be something else. Anything other than this empty shell, dripping with self-loathing , cloaked in a veil of perfectionism. Something that wasn’t rammed into this golden mold before she even took her very first breath.
Fueled by her own insecurities and desire to obtain perfection, paired with the crowd of rich kids that were offered to her as friends growing up, it didn’t take for things to escalate; by the age of only fourteen, drugs, alcohol and kicking each other in the stomach while crouching over the toilet was considered as an act of solidarity. All that deep-rooted self-hatred had to spill someway, somehow, and what are friends for if not offer you relief from the agony of routine?
It was easier to strap on those old ballerina shoes and put on a show until her toes were bleeding, than to try and show them what was behind the curtains. People don’t want to know what’s behind the curtain — they think they do, until they see it. To live in blissful ignorance is a gift, one she was denied. And all jewelry in the world, all praise, all money and countless designer bags she accumulated over the years could never fill up that gaping hole, that detachment she felt towards the outside world and inability to connect with things and people - even those supposedly closest to her.
With age, Addie learned how to put on a show, be it at home or on a stage; that’s the magic of a ballerina, to empty yourself of that hatred, all that pain, all that ugliness and fill yourself with stories other than your own - while whatever had been good and soft rots inside you .
And while she made a name for herself, starring role in all the big plays, working with the best and only the best, the tabloids would instiguate: who is Adelaide Montserrat? The reincarnation of the Virgin Mary to some, the dutiful daughter to others, is she a saving angel or a spoiled heir? She used to laugh, like it was a game - like the answer wasn’t there at all . Maybe what she truly was, was a game of smoking mirrors - a fragmented image, bouncing from broken piece to broken piece, scattered into so many tiny, pretty pieces, that when she looks into a it, the reflection that stares back is unrecognizable.
Adelaide was never their perfect little doll, tied to strings, sitting still waiting to be manuevered . For some time she had watched, prowling quietly in the shadows, observing, learning. She found distraction and excitement in the shadows, drugs, married men, booze, pills - and when those didn’t cut it, she dug a little deeper.
So the child prodigy suddenly moves back to the home, with a ring on her finger and a skeleton on her closet, all to shield from the rising scandal and nonsensical, if you were to ask, accusations of pushing a fellow ballerina down a flight of stairs. Alas, the show must go on, and Adelaide had no plans to stay out of the spotlight for long, or take the fault for somebody else’s imbalance. With some reluctance, she agreed to lay low, but just for how long she’d able to tolerate it, that was anyone’s guess.
Parents often say kids will “grow out of it”; their fits of rage, their apathy towards other children, their unwillingness to share, their manipulative, spoiled ways of obtaining the things they want- but Addie never did. Somewhere inside there’s still that little girl who’d rather break her toys in half than to share it with other kids. Who’d bump into other little girls at school to watch them fall, and tell the nurse they tripped. The little girl who’ll sit in an empty throne, all alone, built with the bones of the people she once claimed to love.
here’s some wc ideas i thought might be cool, but ofc feel free to come brainstorm!!
husband - it was a marriage of opportunity rather than love, at least for adelaide - a way to deflect attention, however how he feels is completely up to you. she’s manipulative and charming, but can also be extremely cruel if even mildly contradicted
bookclub ( 0/5 ) - just women she hangs out with while trying to fit in and “have ties with the community”. she usually sucks at bonding and sharing, so this could make for some interesting dynamics
lover - adelaide switches it up every couple months, but maybe she has a soft spot for them? maybe they’re also in a relationship? maybe it’s all fucked up and adelaide likes to be nasty, what the fuck else is new
ex - lover - fed up with adelaide? me too. join the club.
childhood friend - i feel like she might’ve permanently scarred this person for life by ( animal abuse tw ) killing a bird in front of them or something. adelaide was truly a fucking... terror as a child, and i doubt she was a good friend, bc she still isn’t
prodigy that she’s taken under her wings - maybe a young person who loves ballet that she decided to mentor out of the kindness of her heart? *coughs boredom coughs*
drug dealer - probably has a crush on them bc they indulge her bad habits ngl
idk man giv e me s t u f f !!!
also romantic connections are open to men and women pls. the only straight she is is a straight up bitch.
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All the evens for Audrey and all the odds for Margo!
thank you! this got super long so i’m putting it under a cut hehe
audrey:
2. why is your oc problematic?
audrey is problematic because she has no clue what she’s doing when it comes to anything and when it comes to being a hero, she relies almost entirely on trial and error.
4. what crossovers with other ocs have you talked about?
i have talked about crossovers with you for leila, @emiliachrstine with jacqueline, and @notaboutcat with grace barnes!!!
6. if your oc were to have superpowers, what would they be? if your oc has superpowers, what are they?
so audrey has super soldier strength as her primary superpower, and also there’s some other stuff that will be revealed during the thor: tdw arc
8. alright, be honest—whether or not they get the chance to prove it, is your oc worthy?
so i think that audrey does become worthy eventually during endgame, but i think that all the avengers are.
10. what’s your oc’s fight song? (e.g., immigrant song for thor, just a girl for carol)
girls just wanna have fun!!! i think is the biggest one. but i have actually picked out songs for the main fights in all of the movies audrey is in:
avengers battle of new york: “mama talking” by parov stelar
moscow fight against bucky: “bad guy” by billie eilish which i know wasn’t technically released yet but it’s okay
thor: tdw final fight: “big god” by florence and the machine
tws final fight: “seven nation army” by the white stripes
avengers: aou battle of sokovia: “glass & patron” by fka twigs
captain america: civil war airport scene: “bad blood” by taylor swift
angels of mercy final fight: “tomboy” by princess nokia
thor: ragnarok: “the future’s so bright, i gotta wear shades” by timbuk 3
avengers: iw: “yellow flicker beat” by lorde
avengers: endgame: “girls just wanna have some” by chrormatics and “lights up” by harry styles and “boys wanna be her” by peaches
12. what was your oc like in high school?
audrey didn’t officially go to high school because she was tutored privately until she started just going to college but she was generally bored with her tutors. when she went to high school in the 80s, she was jarred. even though she’d gotten several degrees by that point, she was like freaked out by being with other people and having to have a social life because in college she just didn’t talk to anybody. so she was nervous and quiet but she did have one good friend!
14. your oc meets thanos. what’s their first move?
omg audrey’s first move is to spit on him, i think, and then she just like attempts to tackle him and scratch his eyes out ngl
16. your oc gets married. which canon characters are in the wedding party?
yesss braudrey wedding time!! natasha is one of her bridesmaids, tony is the officiant, and both steve and darcy walk her down the aisle. steve and darcy have a young daughter by this point who is a flower girl with morgan, and they’re super cute. i could talk about the braudrey wedding for so long though i have so many little plans
18. what are your oc’s bad habits or vices?
audrey loves sweets, i think is one of her vices. she also tends to know she’s making bad choices but go through with them anyway.
20. your oc wears the gauntlet (without any detrimental effects on their health) and gets one snap to wish for anything they want. what do they ask for?
audrey asks to destroy the infinity stones, i think most likely. she doesn’t want that energy to be condensed into such a powerful form because that’s like a nightmare. i think it changes from film to film, but by the end, her final wish is for everyone to not be so powerful all the time
22. what does your oc’s bedroom look like?
audrey’s apartment is very minimalist, because it’s easy for her to get overwhelmed. before she moved into the tower, she was a workaholic because she would get so bored with her freetime that she always had case files everywhere. once she joins the avengers though and kind of like starts building a life for herself, she starts to settle into her place more and have details that reflect her life more—photos on the walls, little things that she collects from good memories, and a lot of books on the shelves! audrey likes big windows and keeps them open, but the space is mostly like white with dark blue accents.
24. which characters from other movies or shows is your oc a combination of?
excellent question! so audrey reminds me a lot of like the most chaotic combinations of mike schur main ships? she’s both chidi and eleanor, and both jake and amy. she’s anxious but also impulsive, awkward but also extremely loving, strong but also scared.
26. which canon character would they go to for advice? why?
audrey goes to different characters for advice about different things! with moral problems, she goes to steve. with fighting advice, she heads to natasha, obviously. with relationship advice, she heads to darcy. and later, post aou, audrey actually spends a lot of time with wanda and pietro becoming more politically active.
28. what’s your oc’s biggest flaw?
audrey is scared of everything! i think is her biggest flaw. it’s hard for her to overcome that fear.
30. what movies or shows is your oc featured in?
audrey is in agent carter, she has cameos in iron man 1+2, thor 1, captain marvel, and captain america: tfa. she’s a main in avengers, thor 2, tws, avengers: aou, captain america: civil war, thor 3, and avengers iw and endgame!
margo:
1. how did you pick your oc’s name?
margo is short for margaret! i think peggy is kind of an old-fashioned name (technically so is margo) but margo is cute and short too
3. besides their main ship, who else do you think they would work well with?
i think margo could have a relationship with magnus (thor and jane’s older son) but it probably wouldn’t be super healthy. also i think she and calliope could have had a cute relationship which coulson would have lost his mind about lol.
5. what’s a crossover with another oc that you’ve wanted to do, but haven’t officially discussed or planned?
i feel like it would be cool to talk about margo with @cassercole‘s queve family ! i think an audrey and q crossover would just slap in general because i think it would be angsty and cool and i can imagine q being like . i did not sign up to be a stepmother, but thanks, but then the two of them actually becoming friends eventually.
but anyway, i can imagine bonnie and tristan teasing margo and making them call her aunt and uncle but them all getting along well and hanging out at family reunions and getting into trouble . having a vision of the three of them stealing a blunt or something from tony’s jacket pocket at thanksgiving and then all of them being high and paranoid about getting caught by steve.
q catches them and margo is like please don’t be mad and please don’t tell my mom and q just rolls her eyes and closes the door to the room they’re all in after telling them dinner’s in 10 minutes, and she won’t tell but it’s up to them not to get caught.
7. rank their compatibility with the marvel teams: avengers, guardians of the galaxy, agents of shield, defenders, runaways
okay so: 1) avengers, because they’re her family. 2) gotg, because she thinks they’re all super weird and cool. 3) runaways, because i think she’s scrappy and has a similar sheltered background to them. 4) aos, just because found family time. 5) defenders. super brutal and she’s just like ummmm i am scared .
9. which other mcu characters would your oc really get along with?
i think gamora and margo would get along super well. also margo’s close with carol because she likes how she’s not too serious about herself as a hero. i think she’s also probably gets along well with wanda and pietro. she’s super close with her dad, also.
11. post a snippet of the next chapter of an oc’s fic!
okay to be honest i have not written any of margo’s fic yet so i will have to pass
13. what’s a secret about your oc that they would never admit? feel free to be as angsty or as silly as you’d like!
margo would never admit it but she has a slight schoolgirl crush on thor, who is one of the strength instructors slash english teachers at the academy.
15. if your oc has a costume/were to have a costume, what does it/would it look like? what colors? cape or no cape?
no cape, but sometimes she ties a towel around her neck and dances in her dorm room. margo’s costume would probably look a lot like helena bertinelli’s costume on arrow—very classic, infinity mask, etc.
17. after a battle, how does your oc recover?
she cries into her pillow for several hours and enters a period if intense self loathing and eats ice cream.
19. what were some other faceclaims you considered for your oc?
when audrey was shipped with pietro, margo was played by josefine frida petersen!
21. if your oc survived the snap, who do they miss the most?
in an au where audrey has margo before infinity war and the snap, margo would be devastated to grow up without her mother
23. what’s their love language? what’s the love language of the character they’re shipped with?
i think margo’s is words of affirmation, and leo’s is quality time!
25. which characters annoy your oc? why?
margo gets annoyed with her mom, a lot. audrey and bex are really close and so she feels left out of that relationship. i also think that margo doesn’t get along super well with pepper because she thinks pepper doesn’t like her. she doesn’t like peter quill that much, even though she likes the rest of the guardians. and she never meets loki, but i think she would absolutely hate him.
27. what’s your oc’s biggest strength?
i think her biggest strength is her big heart! she feels a lot and she’s kind of intense but she’s a very loving person.
29. team cap, team iron man, team i don’t care, or team please stop fighting?
team please stop fighting!! she’s like why is my life an episode of family feud . i know she doesn’t exist then but she looks back on it and brings it up sometimes and they’re both deeply embarrassed about it in hindsight and also like . okay BUT and she’s like okay nevermind!!!!
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Other Kin
The Uptake, With Symbiotic Self-Indulgence. Book III, Chapter Six. Go to previous. Go to next.
TW: Bombing discussion newscasts, major permanent disfigurement, hospital loiterings, and ICU and life support stuff.
In other, I think I’m funny.
“--containment efforts throttle into full tilt to secure the lowest levels of the city. Extreme heat and radiation have thus far thwarted imaging attempts, to assess the full extent of damages thus far. City Council is meeting with the EPA and FEMA as we speak, to discuss fully capping the quarantine walls, and utilizing what was already built two years prior, to form the base of a containment for the melted fuel.”
‘Choly squinted at the screen with too little energy for exasperation. He’d moved back into the waiting room to watch one of the televisions mounted from the ceiling, to preserve both his battery and data. Without his glasses, he couldn’t see the time, and he checked his phone when the television screen caught sunlight from the wall of windows behind him. Nearly eight. Slag, the last time he’d looked at a clock with the intention of catching the time, it had been just before eight the night before. And he could tell it was going to be a long time before he could come close to getting any rest. Maybe he’d get lucky, and when he finally found Cecil, they’d have a second bed, or at least a soft chair... He sighed through his nose and squirmed in his seat, his butt having fallen asleep.
“--and be sure if you see someone who might be a Stalker, to avoid them at all costs, and report them to the authorities. Even wolframites. You don’t know who could be helping the Quarter remain operating from the outside. It’s easy to mentally and emotionally shut off amid turbulent times such as these, but we need civilians right now more than ever to be our eyes and ears. We can’t let another tragedy such as this happen again.”
The dreg sweated, stopping short of slicking down his hair in a panic, and he hid a stress-swallow as he pretended he wasn’t scoping whether anyone else in the waiting room had noticed that he still hadn’t left yet despite having been dismissed. He saw someone in the shape of Augen walk back into the waiting room from a side hall, but stayed put, exhausted, watching him walk up to the admissions desk. The vampire still had his shawl drawn over his head. The nurse pointed at ‘Choly from behind the glass, and Augen turned and gave him a look of recognition before crossing the room to sit beside him.
“Where were you?” the dreg whined. “You don’t look like you were getting patched up.”
“I’m not billable.” Augen doubled up in the chair to slouch against the wall, and watched the television to avoid eye contact. “Besides, I can’t stand the sight of needles.”
“--Oh bullshit. I had to make the billable choice myself. Did I screw up. Did I royally fucking screw up?” He gestured with a grunt at his leg brace slung out in front of him. The moment it all fell out of him, he looked around because he couldn’t remember if any children were present.
“I wouldn’t worry about it.” Mumbling, the fish reached over to pat ‘Choly’s right knee without looking. “Come to think of it, I’m surprised that when they processed your serial, they didn’t put together you’re probably Cecil’s next of kin. Or that he’s definitely yours.”
“...His what now.”
Augen just glared at him a sorry moment, unblinking, then got back up to speak to the admissions nurse again. He pointed to ‘Choly and the nurse checked a few things, and nodded with a noncommittal shrug. After a moment, he grew animated and waved 'Choly over.
“Why don’t I ever get the easy explanation...” With a brow-knit groan and a persistent wheeze, the dreg made his way over to admissions.
“Melancholy Kara?” she confirmed. He nodded. “Yes, you’re filed as Mr. Cecil’s next of kin. But he’s been signed for.”
“--What.” Augen stifled himself from straightening to his full length. ‘Choly could tell the drape of the aquatic hybrid’s clothing disguised how he coiled on himself grasping for composure. “By whom!”
The nurse shrugged off Augen’s irritation and ‘Choly’s confusion, and continued skimming through the computer information.
“...His brother, it says. A Benjamin Cecil? Anyway. Here’s his room number. He’s still in ICU. But he’s stable, awaiting his thetic support to go online. If you want, you can wait for him to come out of anesthesia.”
From a slot on the wall came a slim printed ticket with the number ICB-3406 on it, and ‘Choly ripped it to take it and stare at it with a heavy, lost loathing. Augen took it from ‘Choly and pocketed it, and shot the nurse a thumbs-up and patted ‘Choly on the shoulder to shepherd him energetically toward the nearest elevator. The dreg went as fast as he could, and Augen had to keep slowing himself down.
“Well, that explains why you weren’t called for Cecil, and vice versa. You couldn’t respond to him because of the power failure, and he couldn’t respond to you because he was likely already in surgery by the time we got here.”
“...His... thetic support...” ‘Choly tried the elevator call button again, unable to sit still despite his lethargy. “He had to have augmentation.”
“He was in an explosion, ‘Choly. Just be glad some of him survived.”
They rode alone to the second story, and ‘Choly saw opportunity in the moment of isolation. Rather than express frustration, he started with gratitude, hoping to make Augen explain anything that was happening to him.
“You know, that wasn’t near as bad as with anything for Bell.”
“Just wait for the deferred interest. With creds, it just amounts to more creds than almost anyone could ever pay off. But with alternative treatments, you probably signed a bodily lease for them in the future to test something else of their choice.”
The vampire benignly side-eyed him, the exact same deadpan look of anticipation he’d given him over the flatbed snafu. When ‘Choly just stared back at him, he shut his scleric eyes, and smiled withdrawing into himself a bit.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before you vanished? Or when you were urging me to get seen by the ER?”
“My benevolent psychopathy precedes me. Seems I’ve mistaken your character. Forgive me for thinking such compromising positions would titillate you. I’ll do better to distract you from yourself in the future.”
‘Choly huffed, wide-eyed and haunted. The elevator opened, and three visitors waited for them to exit before rushing in. They walked down the pale grey hall to locate the nurse’s desk.
“I didn’t know he had a brother.”
“...Concerning.” Augen noticed a policeman standing watch at a door, and dropped his shawl back around his shoulders to smooth his hair a bit.
“No, the shard of metal surgically embedded in my shin is concerning,” he whispered, exasperated. “I am petrified what Cecil’s gotten roped into. Or what this person who says he’s his brother signed him up for. He--”
“--will be fine,” Augen hushed, doing his best to be calm for both of them. “He’s more resilient than you think.”
The lemon-cast BLT visor at the desk picked up at hearing approaching hushed conversation, and the two of them could tell from the squirm that the nurse was staring at Augen.
“Seems Mr. Cecil is popular tonight,” the nurse quipped. “You’ll have to wait until the police leave.”
“How did you--” ‘Choly noticed the police at that point, too, and stiffened, recalling the newscast from earlier.
“Call it a lucky guess,” was the curt answer. “The system prompts when room inquiries print out, so we know where to expect visitor traffic.”
Augen stroked ‘Choly’s shoulder, looking over his own at Cecil’s room as they turned their back to the nurse and the police.
“As much as I know you’re going to hate to hear it... but let’s go sit and wait in the elevator lobby. I’ll buy you a coffee from the machine.”
“Even their garbage coffee sounds fantastic right now,” ‘Choly resigned.
They sat in hospital silence at the armchair-and-couch lobby with its fake plants and two vending machines for only fifteen minutes or so before four police officers collected in the elevator lobby waiting to board. The police looked over ‘Choly and Augen, and they did the same of the police, hoping mirroring their behavior would more normalize their doing so. One of them snorted at Augen before the call button dinged and the doors opened for them to leave.
“Who you here to see?” she started, dropping the pale blue-white backlight of her BLT to stare them down. She acted like she already knew the answer, but for her own gratification needed to hear them say it.
“We’re here to see his boyfriend,” Augen spat as coolly as he could.
“Leave ‘em be, Annie. We’re coming back after breakfast. Come on, I don’t wanna hold the door anymore.”
Once the police were gone, both of them sighed in revulsion. ‘Choly chugged half his coffee once it was cool enough, then took the rest with him as they stood and walked back to the room just past halfway down the hall. Several rooms on the floor had been appointed guards. A policeman still stood at Cecil’s door, unfazed despite attention piqued, and they stopped in anticipation of being stopped.
“Melancholy, and... and Sterling,” ‘Choly stammered, narrowly remembering from before. “I’m Cecil’s boyfriend, his next of kin. We can come in now, right?”
“Yeah, if y’don’t mind company.” They stared at the policeman’s visor a fraction too long to be comfortable, and entered.
The equipment in the room beeped in almost uniform intervals of affirmation. The divider curtain had been pulled all the way back to the wall, indicating the high-profile patient did not share the room despite the volume of incoming patients from the disaster. The fluorescent cast of the bar light above the bed illuminated the red-headed patient in the bed, and all the network of wires and tubing ran to and from his body. The patient’s features had been ripped open but stapled back in a close approximation to a human face, and the sides of his head had been shaved for the installation of disc-like enamel nodes which hugged his skull and likely penetrated it: four, two at his temples and two just behind his earlobes. Many of the wires and tubing tied right into these nodes. Mechanical ventilation hissed and deflated his respiration in steady intervals.
They realized Cecil wasn’t alone.
“You dickweed. If only I could have gotten to you first...” the kneeling, motionless figure whispered. “I could have kept you out of billing altogether...”
To the patient’s side was a canid hybrid in a black long coat, with sandy fur and a shock of iridescent green-rust hair. He stooped to rest his head against Cecil’s hip, and had placed an unresponsive hand atop his muzzle. His rat-like tail flicked out from between the split in the back of the coat, only to shoot straight down against his leg when he recognized he wasn’t alone. Rounded ears piqued, he stood and glared at the two of them with piercing golden-green eyes under a heavy brow. The hybrid couldn’t stifle a snort-snarl when he saw Augen, and Augen took a few steps forward, not breaking eye contact between the two of them.
‘Choly couldn’t make sense of the two hybrids, and only cared to finally be where he needed to be after all this time. Tears running down his face, he slowly made his way over to the bed. The canid sidestepped to obstruct him, territorial impulses overriding his better judgment. When ‘Choly couldn’t help but gasp, Augen straightened up to his full length and stared the canid down. The long whisker-like feathers at his jowls twitched, and he crinkled his nose and snuffled to himself with an internalized snarl, doubling back across the room to pace in the empty half.
Trembling, ‘Choly reached out and ran his splinted fingertips over the back of Cecil’s bruised hand. The bright scent of antiseptics bit through his congestion. Not wanting to hurt him, he followed in kind of the canid, and placed Cecil’s hand atop his own. Though still unconscious, Cecil’s fingers reflexively albeit weakly contorted around ‘Choly’s hand, and ‘Choly came undone at the seams. His head ran as hot as his face ran wet, and Augen dove in to scoop the upholstered armchair under him before he could fall.
“Things just continue to make less sense.” Augen leaned down on the back of Choly’s armchair.
“Don’t I know it.” The canid couldn’t sit still.
“Cecil...?” ‘Choly held Cecil’s hand in both his own this time, and he leaned in, watching expectantly for Cecil to magically spring awake. His imagination went wild with speculation what other thetic components might lay beneath that hospital blanket.
“Even if he has come to, he can’t hear you.” The canid watched him as Augen watched him, his voice low and tremulous. “His halo is still charging. I negotiated best I could with the fine print, but slag it all! Look at him. They have him wired where he has to recharge. Just to hear. Like he’s some piece of equipment. Grafting could have fixed all the damage he sustained, and more. And if the ban hadn’t bankrupted me, I could have at least afforded his cred-billing--”
“--Maybe grafting could reverse it?”
‘Choly had merely responded naturally to the distress with an attempt to calm and reason. He really did not like this alleged brother’s emotionally compromised state, or Augen’s flighty agitation. In the moment, with his blood pressure wild, ‘Choly couldn’t process displays of emotion stronger than those of his own. The awareness it had been stated that Cecil was likely permanently deaf struck him dumb, and he could do little else but stare expectantly at the canid. Near incredulous, the canid glared at ‘Choly with alarm, and Augen joined in the scorn of him even saying it aloud. The dreg swallowed and froze.
“If only it hadn’t been banned,” Augen uttered with a squint, trying to lampshade the whole notion.
“...If only...” ‘Choly realized he’d drawn attention to the transparent fact none of the donor species which comprised Augen had been available when Vek had still been legal, and felt sorry, given that they didn’t know how this other hybrid felt about proto-hybrids, and given the policeman still stationed outside the room. His face loosened into dead folds, and he tried his best to focus on Cecil.
“I don’t believe we’ve met.” The canid stood at the opposite side of the hospital bed, watching him. “I’m Ben. You must be the boyfriend admissions mentioned.”
“'Choly. And you must be the brother that I’ve never heard of until tonight.”
Ben smiled and laughed it off, his pointed teeth briefly visible back to his pointed molars.
“From the looks of it, I understand now why you didn’t respond to the hospital pages. I was beginning to worry the worst. I... I’m glad you’re here. That I get to meet whom he’s closest to right now. That he didn’t have to lose you on top of everything else he’s going through.”
“Not the best circumstances to be meeting.” ‘Choly glanced up at him and squinted, trying without glasses to pull the hybrid’s features into focus. That pointed remark wounded him. “I, what species are you? My glasses broke tonight, and I want to say you’re some breed of dog, or maybe wolf.”
Augen’s brow upturned as his eyes shot wide in fear, darting between the door and the hospital bed. In a shocked delight of being put on the spot, Ben’s ears folded flush against his head as he sucked on his dark lips, then bit his lower lip and shrugged with a weak laugh.
“Mmh... --arsupial which is no longer with us. Among other things.” He sideglanced to Augen, who patted at a visible sweat with the corner of his shawl. “One has to admire that nights like tonight prove the degrees of separation aren’t a myth.”
“Truly,” Augen nodded with a faint lip curl.
“I... should be going. The police said they would return once George was lucid and his thetics booted, and I’d rather not speak to them twice. Augen has my number.” He leaned over Cecil’s legs to pat ‘Choly on the shoulder with a smile. “Let me know how he gets along, will you? We can catch up when the temperature drops a spell.”
“--Wait wh.” ‘Choly watched in breathless confusion as Ben walked out.
“Get some rest,” Augen called off after him.
Once Ben had left, ‘Choly murder-glared the vampire. After a moment, his anger melted into confusion, and he touched his earlobe, thinking to the wolf hybrid at the confectioner’s. Even without his glasses, he could tell Ben had no facial jewelry of any kind.
“He... he wasn’t tagged.”
“NO SHIT, you little bugdick.” Augen slapped him in the back of the head. “Can you stop saying stupid fucking shit for five seconds? Sheisse, he’s got balls coming, knowing full well there’d be all these cops.”
“--OW. I... so that’s why you ghosted me earlier.” 'Choly rubbed at his head and got a sorry look. “Hey, could you put my reader on the charge pad on the nightstand? Might as well get some juice in it while we’re here.”
Augen did as requested, then sat on the ledge of the window. The two sat in the requested silence long enough for ‘Choly to drift off in the armchair holding Cecil’s hand.
“Wh-- whah--” Cecil rasped through the oxygen mask, watching ‘Choly expectantly. ‘Choly shot awake and put Cecil’s hand to his face, trying not to cry. “What--”
Augen briskly excused himself to alert the nurse that the patient had awakened.
“I’m so sorry,” the whisper strangled out of ‘Choly. He wiped his face off on his sweatshirt sleeve and frowned a moment, then did his best to smile at him as the realization hit him that he hadn’t heard ‘Choly, and couldn’t hear anything around him. His cataracted eyes locked on the subconjunctival hemorrhage that had subsumed the cornea of Cecil’s right eye, and once he knew Cecil was watching his face, he mouthed I love you.
Two nurses entered, and ‘Choly scooted his chair back to stay out of the way. One used a diagnostic wand to measure Cecil’s vitals, while the other pulled the top drawer of the nightstand open to retrieve from its charging cradle the thetic device: a contoured band which nearly formed a full circle. Once one nurse confirmed to the other that Cecil could come off intravenous aid for a while, he unplugged it all, and gestured for Cecil to sit up, holding the device in a way to insinuate it was time to fit him with it. The nurse folded out prongs in four places along the band, and snapped the halo neatly to Cecil’s head. His doing as instructed had the whole process go smoothly, and soon the nurses did a few auditory checks.
“Can you hear me, George?”
“It’s just Cecil,” he replied.
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m in a hospital. There was a fire--”
“You’re in the HP, Mr. Cecil,” the second interjected. “Do you know what day it is?”
“It’s... April.”
The second nurse snapped her fingers, and she annotated that he looked to her. The first did the same.
“Everything seems to be in order,” the first instructed. “Since your boyfriend is here, we’re going to leave you be. The police will be here soon to speak with you, though, so make the visit short, if you would. After the police are done, a doctor will come with specifics regarding your procedure.”
“Procedure...?” Cecil trailed off, watching them leave. “I’m hearing everything with my brain, not my ears. It... it feels wrong.”
“But it works, right?” ‘Choly tried to smile at him, but Cecil was stuck taking in ‘Choly’s leg brace. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”
“You stayed home today... How did you get hurt so badly?”
“It’s... a long story. The hospital couldn’t reach me because of the mess Augen and I were in, so... we got to meet your brother,” he grinned.
Cecil’s features fell slack and his eyes widened into distance.
“I didn’t dream he was here, then.”
“‘Choly says you’ve never mentioned him before,” Augen interjected from the corner. “Do you know who he is?”
Cecil bit at his lip as though fishing for the sharkbites which the doctors had removed during his facial reconstruction.
“Not... a conversation for a place like this.”
Augen crossed his arms and slouched.
“Have you known the whole time?”
“He moved to Premier to open a Vek parlor. Got good with Vek. We lost touch. I’m just surprised the number they had on file for him still worked. That’s how long it’s been.” Cecil finally got to smiling, staring off into space. “We both have conservationist penchants. We... diverged radically. I collect books, and he... collects...” He gestured at Augen head to toe and got to wheezing when he couldn’t help but chuckle.
“What was he doing here, Cecil,” he continued, every fold of his face unhappy.
“He was my second next of kin. It makes sense they couldn’t reach ‘Choly. You poor thing. I’m so glad you’re all right.” Cecil lapsed into clinginess and clutched at ‘Choly’s hand, and he had to lay back down, overwhelmed. ‘Choly crumbled into a crying mess again while Cecil relied on the oxygen supply to steady himself. “Really, I shouldn’t be so surprised he showed. We used to be so close.”
Augen, lay off him.” ‘Choly let out a congested, irritated whine.
The vampire was unfazed, in a panic over the law being involved.
“No, I mean... why was he here.”
Cecil just stared at him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Ultimately, Augen folded and came unhinged in an impatient string of ‘shit’s. He stormed out as calmly as he could, and exited down the opposite way of the nearest elevator.
Less than a minute later, the four police from before returned, but ‘Choly didn’t budge, too clingy to relent his long-sought proximity.
“Mister Cecil?” One stepped up to the bed with a reader, taking the lead. “Glad to see you’re still with us. We’re with the Tri-City Police. Are you lucid enough to tell us what happened?”
“You mean it wasn’t a fire?” Cecil’s face hardened, staring up at her.
“We suspect that someone set it. There were explosives involved. Do you remember anything unusual?”
“I, no. I was working late. A high school’s server had been returning 503′s all afternoon, and I couldn’t figure out why--” He tried to sit up and ‘Choly stopped him. “Why do you think there were explosives? Who would do that?”
“That’s why we’re here. To figure out what you saw, and what you know. You, you’re... Melancholy, yes?”
‘Choly nodded, petting Cecil’s hand.
“You were discharged from triage about three hours ago. Care to tell us how you were injured?”
He winced, remembering the bullet was in his bag, and he stared at his leg.
“I, yes. Yes. I had the day off, and I spent it with my friend Sterling. He was in here earlier, but he just had to leave. The, the bat hybrid. When the power went out, we were in a lift on his way taking me home. By the time we got out of the lift, all hell had broken out... Some idiot with a gun. A, a, a-- ah real gun. I don’t think they were looting or trying to rob us. I think they were trying to shoot Sterling ‘cause he’s a hybrid--”
“YOU GOT SHOT!” ‘Choly couldn’t keep Cecil down at this point, and he grabbed his boyfriend by the wrist to glare at him. The equipment started belting out rapid clicks and beeps, warning that he should lay down. He got real lousy and insisted ‘Choly lean into his lap so they could have as best a hug as they could manage. “Oh my god...”
“Tough luck, but hybrids are bad company, kiddo,” the sarcastic officer from before muttered as a caveat.
‘Choly stared hatefully through her obscuring visor, face twitching with rage.
“He brought me to the ER and helped me locate my boyfriend.” He barely kept from defending just how much trouble it was for the two of them to get from Jersey Proper all the way to Manhattan Premier, with the city drained of power, but he’d gotten savvy to how much he’d drawn attention to the wrong details all morning. “He’s not bad people.”
“Being a hybrid-- or being friends with a hybrid-- doesn’t-- justify getting shot at with a-- lethal weapon--”
Cecil snarled, imagining the officer would have said the same had his brother been the one on the other end of that aim. The diagnostic equipment let out a loud squealing chirp and everyone flinched when Cecil’s breathing lapsed. A nurse sprinted into the room, the one from the desk, and he scrambled to check the readings on the devices.
“You swore to me you would keep it civil!” As he took off the halo so they could get at the catheters installed in Cecil’s nodes, a second nurse joined in to help. “OUT! OUT OUT OUT--”
“--But,” the lead officer objected.
“ALL OF YOU! EVEN YOU, BOYFRIEND.”
‘Choly frowned, and barely remembered to grab his reader off the charge pad before doing as told. He returned to his place downstairs at the dining vestibule, in a horrid funk. He didn’t know where to go, and didn’t have a good place to sleep. He turned his reader back on, and once it booted up, he sent Augen a ‘thanks for nothing.’ Then he got himself another cup of coffee, furious that the hospital was bleeding him dry just to maintain his caffeine fix.
Some time later, Augen slipped into a seat beside him.
“It’s fair to be mad at me.”
“You’re gonna talk. Now.” ‘Choly grabbed a fistful of Augen’s shawl and held him where he could keep him. “How the hell do you know Ben? Did the same Vek artist do both your work or something?”
“--You could say that.” Augen shrugged at him to let go, and once freed he massaged at his temples. He leaned in with an almost silent hiss in ‘Choly’s ear. “That was Linnaeus, you fucking idiot.” He stole a sip of ‘Choly’s coffee.
‘Choly’s face drooped and he stared at Augen, trying to form a response.
“That’s... the guy who did your work? Are you trying to say he did his own work?”
“Slag your brain is shit from being up a whole day straight. There’s a reason you didn’t recognize his species, glasses or not. Except for him, the Tasmanian tiger is extinct. They say he pulled the sample himself. He’s one of the best proto-Vek artists in the city.”
“...Degrees... of separation. You seem... really haunted he’d show up amid all this. Maybe he’s allowed to be this distressed his brother almost died?”
“I never in a million years would have thought he’d risk getting arrested and forced therapy serum. Not even for family. And then two proto-hybrids showing up to see the same survivor in one night? That’s not going to get glossed over. Something’s wrong. Something’s really fucking wrong, ‘Choly.”
“Animals tend to get flushed out when their habitat’s threatened.” Rattled to abandon, he fished in his bag for his demolished confec bonbon. “Slag I’m glad I still have this after everything.”
Augen snatched up the wax paper before he could open it.
“What did they prescribe you?”
“Hydros. I’m fine,” he whined. “I’ve taken hydros for my joints and drunk for years.”
“Compromise. I get the confec, you get a drop of resin. Deal?”
“But... that’s a more potent confec...” ‘Choly frowned.
“A common misconception. Trust me. You have no filter and no self-preservation right now, bugdick. Let’s go somewhere more private to wax, hm? You wouldn’t drink in a hospital. Don’t get thrushed here, either.”
“Where could we even go? Shouldn’t we stay here?”
“Cecil’s not going anywhere anytime soon, and something tells me we both need some real food and a nap. Come on. I promise not to flake again. I know you’re practically blind right now.”
“Do... do they have an optometrist here?”
“The HP’s got everything in house. Come on. Food and sleep first. I need a break from this building, and I think you do, too. I’ll be your eyes until we come back later, all right?”
“I... fine. Can we at least see if they’ll let me have a wheelchair? My leg is throbbing and I don’t want to walk around Premier in my socks.”
“Hopefully, they’ll have one in stock to add to your tab,” he commented in agreement, helping him stand. “Sorry we don’t still have the one from yesterday.”
“I doubt we could have... kept it. How did you even flake so fast earlier, anyway? I saw you go the wrong way down the hall. Surely the police would have seen you in passing. There were like ten cops stationed in ICU.”
Augen left the question hanging in the air for dramatic effect, savoring it with a grin. Once he had ‘Choly in a chair and they were on their way, he leaned in to tell him in his ear.
“Dracula crawl. I don’t look part-salamander, so they didn’t even think to look up.”
‘Choly choked out a laugh.
“You fucking nerd-- Slag I need a smoothie and some vodka.”
“So it goes.”
Go to Next »»»
#biopunk#cyberpunk#anthro#dystopian#the uptake#with symbiotic self indulgence#wssi#melanochro kara#august ritter#george cecil#benjamin cecil#linnaeus
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Submission: Thoughts on EDs and Fatphobia
TW: Eating disorder, diet mention, thinspo/meanspo mention
Y'all: “Hey, it’d be super if everyone could just treat fat people with basic respect and decency”
Everyone: “Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you are ENCOURAGING people to kill themselves with unhealthy eating habits wow you have a special place in hell. Also a body positive blogger once beat up my cousin’s boyfriend’s sister and-”
Thinspo/Pro Ana/ED blog:
-Posts cruel and graphic meanspo and often actually sends it to others as ‘inspiration’ (even if the person asked for it it’s still fucked up to do to someone who’s clearly very sick and needs real help)
-Reblogs pictures of people who are so thin that they likely either A) are photoshopped images, or B) have an ED (of course in the absence of any extraneous circumstances that may cause this body type) and are emaciated to the point of being in serious danger from the laundry list of fatal complications that chronic malnourishment ACTUALLY HAS (and that being fat does not have) and then captions them things like “wow, can’t wait till this is me 😍”
-This bullshit: “Hey everyone! I’m starting a new diet tomorrow they say is super effective basically you only consume Diet Coke for three months. Message me if you want to join and we can make a group chat to ENCOURAGE each other!”
Everyone: “………………….”
Ugh I’m annoyed now but yeah just a few observations of mine as someone recovering from anorexia. I s2g 99% of ED Tumblr is a steaming garbage pile of toxicity where people spend all day deliberately triggering themselves and others so yeah all these people who get on your case about “encouragement” (encouraging what exactly btw?? encouraging fat people to love themselves?? encouraging thin people not to be assholes?? like these seem like good things to encourage???) have a wayyyyy better place they could be focusing their undying concern about other people’s eating habits, but I guess it was never really about that, was it? 🤔
P.S. Every thin person with an ED who acts like they should get a pass for hating/making fun of/being cruel to fat people or saying shit like “I’m so fat and disgusting” and acting like they’re somehow also victimized by fatphobia the same as a fat person because they’re “mentally ill and see themselves as fat so it’s really just self loathing” need to cut it the fuck out right now since this logic at its core is extremely fatphobic (and also just doesn’t make any fucking sense), not to mention it completely ignores the fact that there are PLENTY of fat people out there who have all kinds of ED’s (no, not just BED) and therefore get to live with the delightful combo of a brain that tells you the only way to be happy is to starve yourself to death (thanks brain) AND societal fatphobia which, in addition to everything else you bring attention to on this blog, would almost certainly cause any symptoms of their ED to be at best overlooked by doctors and loved ones and at worst praised and hailed as success stories. I was never even close to underweight even when my ED was at its worst, but that didn’t make me any less sick.
Ugh sorry this is a long vent, but it just gets to me sometimes. Yeah ED’s majorly suck, but lots of people are mentally ill and that is NEVER an excuse for the kind of cruelty that I’ve seen and experienced coming from people in the ED community, so yeah its ridiculous that anyone thinks you are the people who desperately need to be called out.
Lastly if you’re fat and you see ED symptoms in yourself, please please take them seriously and remember that there is NO SUCH THING AS BEING TOO FAT TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER (yes, including anorexia). It’s almost impossible to even start recovering if you think there’s no way you can possibly be sick. Everyone on this earth deserves to live and enjoy their lives without EDs poisoning their minds. The idea that you have to be nearly skeletal and close to death in order to deserve help is so dangerous and I can’t even imagine the harm it’s caused. You truly deserve so much better.
Also I just want to say I really love this blog and I think what y'all do is so wonderful and important! You and other fat/body positive blogs have been as healing to me in my recovery as I once allowed thinspo blogs to be destructive. Thank you lovely people for everything you do! ❤️
*end*
(I’m really sorry if I missed any triggers at the beginning! I wasn’t sure if “eating disorder” was enough of a blanket warning for everything I discussed or not. Also, if you do end up posting this, I’d like to stay anonymous if possible. Some people I know irl follow me and not all of them know about my ED. Thanks and I hope all of you have a great rest of your day!!)
Thank you for this submission. You are exactly right about all of this. I just wish more people understood this.
-Mod Bella
#Bella Blogs#Eating Disorder Tw#Thinspo TW#Submission#Body Shaming#Fat Shaming#Fatphobia#Healthism#Sizeism#Weight Bigotry#Weight Discrimination#Weight Stigma#Discrimination Against Fat People
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