#trying not to give excuses for my absences n late work even tho i had some but they weren’t good ones | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bo0zey · 2 years

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i hadn’t gone to my gen ed english class in like 3 days n today i finally went n got there kinda early so it was just me n my english professor and i started apologizing for not being there/emailing him/turning my late work and he’s just like “are you okay?” n i’m flustered m like yes but it’s just a lot going on right now—but i hate giving excuses bc in my eyes no excuse is good enough to avoid the consequences to my actions but he kinda cuts me off n is “u don’t have to tell me anything. i just want to make sure you’re okay.” and didn’t say anything abt the missing work MEANWHILE my nursing professor who knows i’ve been going thru it mentally and literally witnessed me start to breakdown in tears when she askef me if i was ok after she’d lectured me and made snide mean comments and jabs bc i didn’t come to her for help for something stupid and she has no idea how hard it is for me to ask for help or extensions because i’ve been taught that in this world i must do everything on my own, alone, and i have trouble asking for extensions bc i feel like they’re gonna say no bc i don’t deserve them bc i don’t have a good enough excuse to ask for one bc i was taught never to give excuses bc i should’ve done something more in the first place and so anyways i missed the extension for turning in the rough draft our big research paper n she emailed me AND CC’the director of the nursing program n was like u automatically get a 0 for the draft and if u don’t turn in ur final paper YOU WILL FAIL THIS CLASS AND WILL NOT GRADUATE…….anyways what im trying to say is that my gen ed english professor isnt. making me out to be a monster unlike my nursing professor who literally has more of a clue abt my mental health than him like???????

#idk if any of that makes sense but i started crying rn so i can’t type anymore without thinking and crying #i wish someone valued me over assignments and grades #i was raised my entire life only ever receiving praise for academics that’s all that mattered to my father #i was nothing without my perfect grades the only way i thought my life had value the only way i thought i could make my parents bally was #if i got good grsddd and excelled in things. i studied for my geometry final the night of my birthday while my mom laid dying #on the hospice bed in our living room after wasting her last breaths to sing me happy birthday #i will never recover from that guilt i will never recover from the trauma of putting school before my mental health again #so now school is hard at least turning assignments in on time now that i don’t hVe the fear of god in me from my dad #and i’m not a person that’s struggling i’m a lazy student who doesn’t do her work i’m worthless without submitting assignments #i feel like my inner child all the way up to my senior year of high school i except instead of repressing my emotions and getting shit down #i can’t stop crying and dissociating and sleeping and forgetting and being anhedonic and having no motivation to do anything but escape #into my head #but my english professor saw me with a gentle not disappointed or accusatory and i immediately started profusely apologizing and trying #trying not to give excuses for my absences n late work even tho i had some but they weren’t good ones #but he just stopped me put his arms in the air like one would to show they mean no harm and said you don’t have to tell me anything #i just want to make sure you’re okay #nobody will ever be that kind and gentle and understanding towards me again no one will ever be there for me to stop me from overexplainjng #it won’t matter to them i won’t have to frantically try to cover every base they’ll just stop me and say it’s okay and ive never had that #i sent him a giant like multi paragraph multi sentences email begging to join his class the beginning of the year bc i needed a third and #his was the only that fit in my schedule but it was full and i degraded myself for not choosing his class earlier but #all he replied to my mini novella was that it was fine with him. and he was very kind to me over email and he let me into his full class #and still instead of being great full and always coming to class and turning my assignments on time i stopped going missed my assignment #i thought he’d be angry and annoyed w me for not being great full #but he was kind to me he treated me like i didn’t owe him anything #i can’t stop crying i have so many big assignments due today that i procrastinated bc i just couldn’t be bothered and now i’m overwhelmed #and the interaction w my english professor just reminded me #of my clinical instructor looking me in the eyes as my eyes started tearing up and glassy and she had the nerve to ask me if i was ok after #she was grilling me and telling me i needed to ask for help blahblabab and she didn’t know how hard it is for me to ask others for help #i’m the biggest burden to everyone everyone suffers bc of me i turn assignments in late when profs are busy grading others #i’m so selfish and self centered. i only ever tnink about myself lazy selfish fuck stupid evil dumb idiot never do anything right fuxk up fu

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