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#truly the 'i do not know what im doing at this job. i am so tired. but by god im gonna give it my all' voice of all time
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No but David Kaye was literally perfect in TFA. He’s great for a younger take on Optimus, especially since he pulls off young serious stern hero whose willing to die to save others, whose also sassy
He's such a good sweet and genuine boy and I love him so much and I'm so happy for him every time he gets to cause problems on purpose for sentinel. TFA Optimus is only smug when its EARNED and the show does such a good job of making you root for him because everyone is SO mean to him and you're just waiting on the moment when he stops holding his tongue and really fucking lets em have it.
Literally just "aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just wanna go apeshit?"
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permanentreverie · 2 months
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#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasn’t#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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pepprs · 7 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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alchemyne · 4 months
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i don't want to turn 25 rant in tags
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silverislander · 5 months
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prof said congrats for writing up a proposal so early i am going to get a good grade in. well this is literally going to be graded. but yk the meme
#i really hope its decent proposals are really hard for me to write. i never really understand how much im supposed to say#also i dont plan stuff in advance! i hate drafts and proposals why cant i just jump in and run w my topic#i dont Know exactly what im going to cover just yet can i get back to you once ive covered it#levi.txt#i spent One page just opening the two page proposal so. i know it needs some cleaning up#but the last time i wrote one of these i only got a 75 (not a bad grade but i could do significantly better) bc. and i am not kidding.#i wrote a several page intro abt the themes of a story i was super pumped to write. and forgot the /plot characters and title/#a 75 was honestly generous. that prof already liked me and knew my work so i got very lucky#also i just think the guy im working with for my essay is so cool and i want to impress him bfhshsk#ive taken 2 classes with him before he is so smart and so enthusiastic. i was 1 of only 3 who was there for every class both times#everyone whos helped me has been so cool and very nice to me i want to do a good job and prove that im as capable as they think#and also jesus fucking christ ive worked so hard for this degree PLEASE#if i dont get honours im walking into the forest laying down and letting the fae take me as they will#side note: i have 1.5 movies left (its late and im finishing army of the dead tomorrow + watching evil dead rise)!! thats so exciting#theyve (mostly) been really fun and i feel like i have a really good general idea of where im going w my essay now#the movie eras are starting to kind of organize themselves into coherent themes in my mind#i think its smth along the lines of racism/xenophobia -> social change -> satanic panic -> action and militarism -> prejudice/bias#and i actually think were in smth of a thematic reckoning w zombies rn as a culture that im excited to discuss!!#for so long weve accepted that zombies arent people but weve really been starting to interrogate that since abt the mid 2010s#w tropes like searching for a cure (not just a vaccine) or movies like warm bodies or evil dead where you can truly turn back#and im really excited to see where the future takes the zombie genre!!
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mieczyhale · 6 months
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one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...
my son in christ you are 21
i literally want to fucking die
#dont get me wrong! good for him! i'm happy for him#but he really said he started the channel when he was younger (turns out that was 18) and it felt like time to move on#i am 31 and only got the job i love a year and a half ago#i have been dating and living with the same person for... 10 years in 11 days and all i've ever wanted is to get married#(and be a mom but i dont think im ever getting that one but im gonna go ahead and focus on that one zero percent or i'll cry)#i say. like all of this doesnt make me want to cry lmao#i am so incredibly blessed to have what i have. like truly i ended up with the perfect sort of life for my awkward mentally ill ass#but i cannot NOT spiral just a little when people younger than me have the things i want so so bad and then also talk as if their young age#is older than it is. i know you feel mature and older but you are still so fucking young. and okay honestly - now that im rambling - thats#just part of it huh?? i mean a lot of the spiral is actually Wow. I really lost so much of my life (so much time. so many opportunities) to#mental illness and other shit i couldn't control and there are people who didn't fucking have that. there are people who didn't have to#deal with any of that!!! honestly!!! and you just.. dont do anything to prepare for the future when you do not expect there to be one for#so long and then you can't stop fucking everything up and then oh look! you're in your 30s and-#god i cannot fucking do this#it is 1:35 in the morning and im tired but now i feel really stubborn about going to bed. i should. i want to. but also i dont.#actually going to bed is where The Horrors are so#this really was the dumbest fucking shit i think im gonna go to bed & play p.m on my phone and try to be a little less pathetic#maison speaks
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todayisafridaynight · 10 months
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The bookmark tag was #holder until i think of a tag for these asks but To Be Real even I forgot what it was...
BUT YEAH thanks so much for reading and I'm glad it's :] Intelligible At Least :] obviously I would be up for reading anything that came to mind after putting you and your followers through All That but understandable... A lot of people I've shown the checklist items or pointed out specific behaviors to have actually said similar [i.e. I'm In This Picture And I Don't Like It], so I totally get what you mean, too!
I think a lot of my picks wound up being generalized trauma responses/aftereffects of abuse or neglect [hence I meandered off into just talking about Jo's father half the time], so I guess it's to be expected a lot of them don't read as being CSA-specific or are broadly relatable; it's not like he's supposed to be read that way, after all. I just wasn't able to zero in on many of the more specific ones because I've Never Seen Jo In This Situation Chief I Don't Know What He Thinks About His Name Or His Body Or Mirrors Or Sex Or Affection I Don't Know How Well Or Poorly He Sleeps [Presumably Poorly Though He Has The Second-Reddest Eyes In The Whole Game]
I don't really think I'll have anything to add though unless Infinite Wealth goes off the rails or I actually continue reading the book... so that will have to do... I originally was just riffing on RGGJo's attachment issues, self-destructiveness, and specific entwinement of sexuality/aggression/romance, and his portrayal in my fic lined up pretty closely, so I thought it'd be interesting to apply the same lens to Y7Jo...
But Yeah x2 thank you for the opportunity to talk about it and I'm Glad It's Intelligible At Least x2
THANK YOU i really should change that tag to something better... <- i will immediately forget to do so like a jackass
BUT YA OF COURSE OF COURSE i was truthful when i said it was a real good read (but once again. i have -5 speech skills so i can't properly word SHIT) and was a thorough examination of jo's trauma and how it manifests in him and how it's exhibited through his actions. ALWAYS a big fan of that :)
#snap chats#IN REGARDS TO Jo In Situations that is. VAGUELY my specialty#ive at least thought of jo's attitudes towards affection/relationships#and i Do Not Think he sleeps AS adequately as he should whether it's due to just. Overworking or#If I May Dare To Think he might be prone to night terrors#the Danger Zone of me thinking of Jo In Situations that dont have a lot of background is that i end up projecting a LOT of my issues LMAO#i dont know what it says about me when a lot of those issues seem to fit him#i do try my best NOT to over project of course i try to keep everyone relatively in the bounds of believability to their charas#which is why its funny when i do end up doin a lil projection it works out. Apparently#not sure i could do the same when it comes to jo's POV on his name and body tho. i hate those things bout myself for uh#VERY different reasons LMAOO tho i could imagine jo harboring some feelings of. hm. whats the word.#not Total Disgust But Some and Some Agitation whenever he has to acknowledge he exists outside of being a tool. To Put It Bluntly#cause we know he sees himself as a tool in some aspects- a bullet more specifically. so i can imagine instances where he has to Be A Human#its just. Ew Whats That LMAO YK WHAT I MEAN i do. i know what i mean. mirrors are evil#SORRY IM RAMBLING i shouldnt be.. i got gameritis <- i fucked up my wrists playing sonic riders somehow and it hurts to move#point is i very much enjoy thinking of jo and i enjoy looking at him through a multitude of lenses so AGAIN#thank you much for writing in :] im sorry i have three jewel beetles and a cicada shell for a brain#i am always interested in reading what you have to say tho... cant stress that enough..#truly curious for how jo will be in infinite wealth now that he Doesnt have to be a bullet anymore. what are you like my guy.. lemme see..#now pardon me while i fuck up my wrists more. i do not want to do my job today (i will soon im just delaying the inevitable. as a treat)
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wickershells · 1 year
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Sigh. vent time u know the drill
#i havent been sleeping well recently. and ive been losing a lot of daylight whenever i do#my brain feels all mush-like. i just cant think of the right words for anything. its like im dreaming#ive missed the deadline for applications so theres another year gone. im so stagnant my life is idle#ive never been more desperate for spring before in my life#i want to go places and see things because i am so miserable stuck here. so i tell myself it will change once i can leave#but i dont have money. and i cant keep a job being as unstable and sensitive as i am i need to get better first#but in order to get better i need to spend money that i dont have#i dont think i was supposed to be happy. i dont think life ever planned that for me#i know that is such a defeatist and ugly attitude to have but truly i am just so unhappy all the time and i have been for years#realistically speaking im never going to be able to keep myself afloat i dont know what to do with that#and im the loneliest ive ever been#i try reaching out and i meet nothing#i know how hard it is to love me which is why no one really does. and i dont say that to be self-pitying#im so incompatible with everyone i love even my own mother. i keep trying to stop being so sensitive but ive been trying to get thicker#skin my entire life and it has never worked. i am perpetually upset no matter how hard i try i dont think i was built to still be here#i convinced myself i wouldnt be and now i am and i dont know how to deal with that. so many things i never preserved or procured because#i figured i would be long gone by now. that was a bit silly of me. but now ive left myself nothing. im left with nothing#everything i had hoped for as a little kid is ruined now all because of me. i have irreparably destroyed my life i mean that#and i cant handle the inevitability of grief and its growing closer and closer as everyone gets older and older#which is why in an act of pure selfishness id rather let everyone else deal with it. in the nebulous sense#god i just. ive spent year after year trying to fix my life and nothing has worked. not even close#im trying not to believe that its futile but deep down i think i already do#well. whatever#mine
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release-the-hound · 2 years
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If one of our receptionists ever needs to hide a body I will bag it for them no questions asked.
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wiinterbunny · 10 months
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... 📓🖊
#my mom has started talking abt moving...#and it is kinda ridiculous because i'll be 25 soon. and i'm still clinging onto my mother#i *want* to be independent and live on my own. but i think i'm too weak to do it.#and her just talking about moving away soon makes me feel extreme dread and fear...#(she also says i should stay in this apartment and have it on my own. she says it in a loving way tho. she wants me to grow up)#(but i dont want to.... so many parts of my childhood are missing from me. i dont think i can)#(the thought of being resonsible for rent... finding a job... fear of being without a home.. too much)#i dont want to... and if i dont live with my mother i'll have NO ONE to talk to#i'll be so lonely... for real... i will probably not talk with anyone at all. and just spend my existence on my own#my mom is the only one i have... how can i live without her???? she's also my only friend#what am i gonna do what am i gonna do... im so scared#i feel so alone :((#i dont know how im gonna fix this or what im gonna do#when i talk to my mom... she's understanding she is. but we both know i cant spend the rest of my life living with her#she also wants her own life T-T and it'd be embarrassing to stick with her thru my entire 20s... 30s.. 40s... idk#i have to be on my own but i dont want to#im also scared that with my avpd... i'll grow distant from her and never feel truly connected to her again#she doesnt understand my personality disorder. even if i try to explain she just dont get it!!!!#i'll always be alone and disconnnected from everyone. esp if i dont even have my mom...#i just wanna d1e ngl.. :(#💭​diary
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girlhorse · 1 year
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truly been at my limit for a long time now and i dont know what to do anymore
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timehascomeagain · 2 years
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Feeling so optimistic about life which so odd. Harper ophanic was right love WILL find you and it WILL save you.
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pepprs · 1 year
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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orcelito · 1 year
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I do love how I bought xmas gifts last week, got home, then shoved them in my closet to not look at or think about at all. Like "done with YOU for now. Bye."
#speculation nation#i should check on them to make double check i got everything and that nothing broke in the bike ride home lmfao#i literally just remembered it tho#went thru the heartbreak of paying large sum of money and was like 'ok time to not think about u for half a week'#i had. help. with the money actually.#it's a little hilarious lmfao. but like it's not like i broke my own bank or w/e#im just allergic to spending large sums of money all at once. whether or not it's money i actually earned </3#ft me making orders for work & my eyes kinda bugging out seeing the like hundreds or even over a thousand dollar orders#on food items like every week#me starting out like 'what do you MEAN it's $40 for a box of milk?!?!??! HELLO????"#i feel like their prices r horribly marked up. but then again this is not my money and so i do not truly care lmfao#...anyways yea i got gifts but they are hiding. from both the world and from me. i do not want to see them.#im a lil excited for gift wrapping tho. i love wrapping my presents in increasingly stupid & creative ways#if i have any fun ideas this year i may just post the final forms. maybe.#this isnt in a way of like. making cool wrapping jobs that look like other things#im utter dogshit at wrapping and i dont care to learn how to make them pretty. so i just do whatever the fuck i want#my family has learned to expect it. if they see an eccentricly wrapped present under the tree they KNOW it's from me#practically my brand at this point. and i would hate to disappoint ❤#i have one more day of work and then i go on break and i am so READY for it. filled with thoughts of having free time. ouughh
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s4pphoiduser · 2 years
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the pain of really loving college/uni aus but knowing you're at that time in your life where you Should be in uni but aren't for various reasons. and also the pain of wondering what the hell you'd even do at uni. i have no idea what im going to do with my life
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lovingknight · 14 days
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X
#i feel so tired#internally#my kid is sick and dealing with the school front office this morning took the wind out of my sails#im sick of school i just want it to be summer vacation already so i dont have to deal with these fucking people for a couple months#i have to wake up for work at 430am AGAIN tomorrow#i really hate my stupid job#but i self sabotaged myself from getting a different one with better hours#it would have been a pay cut but maybe just maybe i wouldnt lose my mind every shift#i hate working at a hotel#i hate working for my fiance#he's a very nice guy but he truly is not responsible or organized enough to be a manager#im just.... idk#im just tired of my life at the present moment#tired of my job#tired of having to rely on my fiances parents to help us since we both work at the same place at the same time#tired of my relationship with my fiance being strained because all he does is focus on work#and even when hes not at work hes always getting calls from people at work#or people asking him about sports betting and who they should put their money on#tired of not feeling like im in love with my fiance after being together for 8 years#i thought we could get past things and i would fall in love more but i dont think i can get past anything#i want so much more from my life and i know he cant give that to me#what am i doing here?#i truly dont know#i need a therapist and a pcp and a gyno and a dermatologist because i have a bunch of shit going on but i have no insurance#im tired#im so tired of this#diary
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