so many Petfinder/shelter listings are along the lines of “This horrifically malformed dog is 89 years old, in constant pain, will attack any creature larger than a football or smaller than a duck, hates all humans except middle-aged left-handed women named Martha, is terrified of sounds and also the outdoors and also the indoors, and eats only prescription foie gras. He will need an experienced owner. This dog has been waiting for a home for 20 years... won’t you open yours to him? We will reject your adoption application if you can’t give us a reference from your favorite childhood teacher and don’t live on a beautiful 40-acre apple farm in Maine. Adoption fee: $1,000.”