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riverofrainbows · 10 months

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Lately I'm hearing a lot about PDA and autism (PDA = pathological demand avoidance) and it's very good that people become more aware of it and are able to learn more about their own needs. However i often see it framed as like a type of autism, as in PDA autism that's just this thing that happens randomly.

But it isn't just a flavour of autism or something that comes from who-knows-what, it's a trauma response. To having forced yourself to do so much shit that goes against your needs, to feeling like you have to/having to force yourself to do things that go over your capacity, that disregard your needs and do harm to you. Including things where people don't even know their own needs and can't communicate them.

It's a trauma response caused by a lack of autonomy and accommodations (from yourself for whatever reason and your environment). To the point where having to do anything, hearing any demand causes this message of doom to your nervous system

And there is a very simple but not easy solution to it, with the potential of even a cure: Do not force yourself to do anything until your nervous system has healed. Now this is very hard to be able to do, which is the difficult part, because most of us aren't in an environment where we can do that, often have to work etc to survive and don't have people support us for a few years while we do not acquiesce to any demand. Additionally, many of us don't even know how to honor our needs because we trampled all over them for years, were forced to mask them and might not even know what they are or how to recognise them in ourselves.

A possible way to at least some healing of our nervous system is getting to know our needs and working on meeting them better, to try and build down the mask and only conciously use it where necessary but for example not at home or in a safe space, and try to have as many safe spaces to unmask as possible. You might only be able to start while completely alone but even that helps. Another point is decomposition time, soup time as i call it. Where we take however much time we have available, preferably at least a couple days, whenever we can, and do not force ourselves to do anything, even hobbies or getting out of pyjamas, except staying alive, and just drift like driftwood. This also massively helps with autistic burnout.

One additional tipp to recognising our suppressed needs and wants is that when you think "Oh i want this" but immediately shut yourself down: try to recognise this happening and ask yourself "Why can't i do this?" and if you don't have a good reason why not, try doing the thing you want. Might be something as simple as a juice packet or be some leftover rule from childhood. Similar for "I don't look forward to that": if you don't have a reason why you have to do it, and do it exactly this way, consider not doing it. For example you don't have to go to an outing you are very uncomfortable at. You don't have to do the dishes a certain way even tho it's awful sensory wise. Try finding those small impulses and listening to them. It gets easier over time.

This PDA trauma response is also one of the factors of executive dysfunction. Especially for things like when we can't even do our own hobbies or plans we had that we enjoy. Other reasons for executive dysfunction are difficulty transition tasks, sensory issues that make us avoid a task, pending decisions related to the tasks, unknown elements of a task, or not wanting to interrupt the current activity such as listening to music or watching a show (especially since these are big tools for escapism and distraction/coping to keep emotional distress at bay or otherwise aid in emotional regulation).

Btw this whole essay is built on my own experiences, i am not a psychologist or professionally qualified in some other way. So do take this with some critical thinking as my sources are "it's in my head" and we should never take (mental) health advice on the internet without thinking about whether it makes sense and applies to us, and do additional research if any questions or doubts or further thoughts come up.

#own post #if i need to go to the toilet or get a glass of water but i don't want to do it if i have to stop my show then i will just take it with me #even if i watch it on the laptop and not my phone i will just haul the laptop to the bathroom for two minutes #can highly recommend #i have had this issue with forcing myself to do things made so much more poignant because i also became physically disabled but would force #myslef to push through it and hide it from ny surroundings as well. it made me quickly realise my limits tho #and i had the opportunity to not fulfill many demands thanks to my parents and the free time of semester breaks #and unmasking at about the same time #so this whole post speaks from personal experience

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switchcase · 6 months

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I am begging all of you to stop using carrd co links as sources for RAMCOA. I am begging you that if you have Just Recently figured out you have RAMCOA to stop labelling yourself as a resource of all things.

You are not a resource, you are Some Guy. You are also Some Guy that JUST came to this conclusion and with 0 experience in the recovery aspect of it. That carrd co link you all keep passing around was made by a goddamn 16 year old who got their info from Discord servers populated largely by other teenagers, none of which have actual experience in recovering from programming. Even if you have programming (which is a SPECIFIC experience within RAMCOA and that not even most RA/OA survivors have) you are not the end all be all of how it presents and what things exist in it.

#ramcoa #And no I am not the end all be all of it either #My experiences are limited by what I actually went through which is vastly fucking different from what other people went through #.log

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writhe · 1 year

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#TAGS TLDR YOU CAN NEVER TRULY GO HOME BUT DO YOU WANT TO?#writing a little for d&d and having feelings about this #it was really interesting jasper and i were working on some game mechanics and we kept getting stuck at weird parts and it developed into #this conversation where we realized we experience the world #in such fundamentally different ways. like specifically talking about how paranoia #manifests and stuff but even later in a broader sense like our experiences of time and everything is so different #and they'd be like 'well what if this is something that happened to lock' and id be like 'how could that be something that anyone would #experience' and they were like 'oh because i do'#(example here was my character not realizing he had been magically transported and filling in the blank with vague memories of travel but i #was like. are you not acutely aware of every single moment you are awake and in motion even if it is excruciatingly boring. and jasper #was like. 'oh...no. i could be transported from one place to another and if time passed i wouldnt even think about having traveled or not'#which was WILD to me but then we were like 'okay i guess this cannot be something that happened to lock' because i couldnt even fathom that #but like anyway idk we got weirdly deep dive-y about d&d stuff and personal lives and i had big feelings on it bc genuinely i feel like #there are facets and caverns in myself i have only ever touched in storytelling but particularly in this campaign #and i've joked a lot about Lock and other chars in this game being self inserts #but i mean it in a good way #like the ways we tell stories or experience a world we created together is going to be through an extension of ourselves etc #but it's interesting to me to consider the limitations that brings yknow? we all live by such vastly different sets of rules and #understandings #and im writing out some stuff now and im like. yknow.#lock can never truly go home. i can never truly go home. none of us can ever truly go home #home as shifting impermanence home as transience etc #2017 levi is back apparently but hes always been right

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muninnhuginn · 15 days

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feeling so normal about li bing and qiu qingzhi btw

#their dynamic is fascinating no matter which medium you choose #but the cdrama's choice to deep dive on the 'old friend' deal and all that entails just hit my specific niche so hard #idk what it's like to experience the cdrama when you haven't got the donghua in the back of your head but as someone who did?#the irony was so much. despite the changes enough was kept intact that going in I knew two things for sure:#1) despite seeming antagonism they do both care for each other. 2) qqz was never getting out alive.#was sad to see the li bing|li bao stuff get dropped but the new backstory worked + explained the differing characterisation for lb rly well #white cat legend #white cat legend spoilers #<- for my own tags oops #no but like. the way that lb admitted he always thought he'd die young but maybe he could live on through qqz #and then in the end it's lb left alone with no choice to die even if he wanted to. whilst qqz would rather die than become a 'monster'.#and he meant it in a different way (addiction metaphor) but lb had his own worries that his demon state meant he was now a monster.#sth sth choices about living and dying and being a 'monster' and how lb had support but qqz was surrounded on all sides by wolves #he chose to be there because he had to be to survive. as a former slave he knew he had limited choices. but it's still so....

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unopenablebox · 7 months

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unfortunately i think another part of why i kind of hate reform services is because i don't speak hebrew. and when i have to actually say the prayers out loud in english instead of in hebrew that i have separately read translations of, it suddenly becomes clear that i think submitting to god is, like, kind of cringe

#i don't see why my complete disbelief in god should be limiting my ability to participate in religious services!#yom kippur might actually be better for this because i think it will be easier to perform my usual subconscious find and replace #given the like. nature and intent of yom kippur #or i'll go insane as i usually do on yk but at least i'll be having a sincere experience #instead of a sincere experience followed by incredibly obvious silence through the 100% english amidah or whatever #and then having to talk extensively with the most devout catholic ive ever met in my life.#box opener

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thefirstknife · 1 year

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The destiny reddit is an absolute warzone right now. Do yourself a favor and avoid it like the plague

Oh no. I saw a lot of negative comments overall and while I understand where they're coming from, I think at some point, some people should calm down.

I mentioned some of the issues I had with the campaign and I stand by them, I think some of this stuff definitely felt rushed and that we're sorely lacking basic information to understand the plot. But I can get over that if it's fairly reasonable to believe we'll find out eventually (and it is) and if the rest is solid. And to me, the rest is solid.

I know people have issues with strand taking too much time from the campaign, and I get it. But also to me, strand being such a huge part of the story made the campaign feel more personal and invested for US, the Guardian. To me, that was the point. I do wish the campaign was a bit more expansive, perhaps another mission or two would've been perfect imo. An extra mission could've delved into the history of the Veil and what it means. It's a legitimate complaint that I share, but also some people online have been expressing it... rather explosively.

I'd also add a counter to my own complaint; when it comes to the plot about the Veil and the Witness and the Traveler, it's clear that this isn't the end; it's a setup. Everything that happened here we can learn about retroactively in a month or six months or a year. It may suck because it's content for THIS expansion so we want to know now, but it CAN be explained later.

But strand? Strand can't. We have to learn it NOW. We can't get strand and then have a really cool personal discovery quest about mastering it in a month or six or a year. So if they didn't have time to fit another two missions into the campaign, it's fairly obvious what is being cut.

Is it clumsy? Yeah, definitely. I definitely feel like some crucial information has been deliberately cut away and removed, possibly waiting to be delivered during the year to prepare us for The Final Shape. I'm not a fan of that method, I would prefer a solid chunk of lore about the current story to be delivered in the current story. If anything, then for clarity. Especially because the majority of the players will not be waiting around to read 15 lore tabs during the year to figure out what's the Veil. A major expansion should be self-contained.

But for the love of god, some of what I've seen online is basically some players acting like we have E.T. (1982) on our hands. Like, I agree that there's issues and I've spoken about them and I can do it again at any point, but at the end of the day, I had fun and the good stuff was good. Literally my only true complaint is that it feels like a mission or two are missing. Pretty much every problem I have would've been solved with that. But that's an unknown amount of extra time of work so I cannot make a comment whether they could've done that or not. I will assume they couldn't so they didn't. Generally don't like assuming that they did it maliciously because then we go into dev harrassment territory.

#destiny 2 #destiny 2 spoilers #lightfall #lightfall spoilers #ask #i've seen some really bad outrage out there and i just don't get it #it's fine. there's some disappointment but also a lot of really cool stuff #listen. i was on the front line during ME3 ending apocalypse and I equally did not understand it then either #it was a slightly disappointing ending (last 5 minutes more or less) but not worth the massive outrage #and if people genuinely just. do not enjoy ANYTHING about it i personally think that's a sign they no longer like the game #just speaking from my personal experience because i went through that myself #when i found myself scoffing and huffing and getting angry at every new bit of info about changes in forsaken i figured. hey.#i don't like this game right now. bye.#sat out an entire year and came back to check shadowkeep because the game moved to steam #like i genuinely do not mean this in any negative way but some people just do not like destiny anymore and should probably take a break #not talking about anyone specific on tumblr. i know some people are disappointed including some friends #and i understand their complaints. but usually most of them also have something they liked so it's not all horror and doom #and even if they didn't. who cares. if you don't like it hit da bricks #we have limited time on this earth please do something you enjoy

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whentherewerebicycles · 10 months

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i really and truly believe that there are only two genuine human superpowers, both of which can be actively cultivated:

the ability to find anything interesting, ie the ability to reframe and reflect on any situation or encounter, even/especially negative or boring ones, so as to make what is happening to you interesting, engaging, and personally meaningful to your human experience. this habit of mind is mostly curiosity but it's also woven through with psychological flexibility, especially the ability to regulate your own emotional reactions so that you can respond to challenging or tedious situations in more thoughtful and values-aligned ways that develop your sense of self instead of making you feel trapped or bored or fragmented

the ability to teach yourself new things. idk maybe as a teacher i am biased but i really believe that the single most transformative gift you can give any human being is a deep understanding of how people learn and improve at things. what is more hopeful, more inspiring, or more life-affirming than the realization that you can learn new things at any age, and that the new things you learn (plus the joyful process of learning itself!) can utterly transform the way you experience the world and understand yourself? what is more amazing or incredible than the realization that learning things is not a mysterious & passive process that happens to you but a reasonably consistent set of steps and tools that you can learn how to master and apply to virtually any skill or domain of human knowledge? the superpower of being able to learn/improve at anything you set your mind to… but also the superpower inherent in that quiet unwavering certainty that even if you feel stuck at various points in your life, you have within yourself the capacity to get unstuck through learning and changing and growing and experiencing new things. wowowowowowowow!!!!! what an extraordinary gift!!!!

#i did a classroom observation this week #in a mid-level environmental science research methods course #and at other points in my life i would've been either bored stiff by this experience or terrified because Science Is Hard #and I Am Humanities Person Cannot Do Science #but i actually found myself getting really fascinated by some of the stuff they were doing #i think combined with all the scientific studies i've been reading over the past six months related to fertility stuff #and i was like oh wait like #i could see myself going back and doing a bachelor's degree in a science field #like yeah this is unfamiliar to me & i have a lot of baggage around being Bad at STEM #but actually through doing lots of work with researchers & learning how research works in my own field #i think i've absorbed an understanding of some of the habits of mind science values #and i feel confident enough in my understanding of how people learn new things #that i bet i could apply that knowledge to learning disciplines that previously seemed Off Limits to me #anyway idk just #what a joy it is to be a thinking learning human in the world #how lucky are we!!!!!

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muckmage · 2 months

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did you ever fall in love with the majesty of colors

every freaking day brother 🤝

#i love doing that thing where you flood your vision with a primary colour and exhaust the cells in your eyes that perceive it #and then when you look away for a little while afterwards you can't see that colour (or at least it's a lot more muted in comparison)#i mean it's kinda like giving yourself temporary colour blindness but i love messing with my perception of reality #gives me a better understanding and appreciation of the world outside of my own subjective experience #and in the case of the colour thing specifically it's like. when something's missing you appreciate it more #as well as noticing things you may not have before and gaining appreciation for them too #it's a very grounding experience imo. seeing the mundane again through almost literally a new set of eyes #even if it is through artificially limiting your senses for a time #i mean if a shrimp that sees 16 primary colours or something got limited to just what we see for a little bit #would it not be able to appreciate those last three primaries so much more?#would it not even more greatly appreciate the breadth of colours it sees normally?#i like this ask a lot actually fksjks ^^#02

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savage-rhi · 4 months

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😳

#lucid dreaming is the most epic and teriffying thing sometimes #I've been building it up over the years and i feel like im getting to that point where when i feel that space between sleep and alertness #i can push myself into whatever is happening and mostly be in control #for me it literally feels like im walking through a heavy veil #like that tingling static you feel when your foot falls asleep #its like you're detaching from your body and going somewhere else #i can't pick how my dream turns out i kind of just walk through and deal with whatever I'm dealing with #earlier while napping i did it and i was like in my 50s or so checked my mirror and saw my wrinkles then i went out to my car #lived somewhere else entirely and i get in the car and im going down the highway and I'm in the left lane going the speed limit and this #older guy with curlyish white hair and a peppered beard black sunglasses and a white dress shirt is driving a convertible #and he looks over at me and gets pissed that im “trying to pass him” and proceeds to try and run me off the road #my car starts to begin to flip i can feel this whoosh of air in my face and hair and right before i start tumbling i shoot up from bed #like ive had an exorcism and my hearts going like 90 bpm #it felt so real like you couldn't distinguish if it was a dream even if you tried hard enough #touch taste sight smell its all there #i stg for me lucid dreaming feels like im highjacking the bodies of alternative mes in the universe and using them as temp avatars #to experience some weird shit #lmao 😂#I don't have apnea or anything else like that so not worried there #but shit man #these have been getting pretty intense over the last few months as ive gotten better at it #ted talk info dump #no magenta here #i feel like i need a safe word for these types of posts #magenta has already taken the mantle of complaining/venting

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b4kuch1n · 1 year

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review of every type of meat that’s ever been subjected to me

disclaimers: this will include offals when I have personal experiences with that. score is subjected to personal taste and accessibility price- and prep-wise. YMMV, etc., etc. "meat" here includes non-mammal non-avian animals, as long as it comes directly from the body (which means eggs and such are not included). I tried to find the closest english word for some of these that I only know as local ingredients, but the taxonomical orders at least should be correct.

pork: 9/10. classic. a bit finicky to prep and cook, which is why it doesn't get full mark, but re-heats nicely. very versatile, though on the heavy side as is the case with most bigger animals. the amount of fat and gelatin that comes with a belly cut makes it ideal for new year aspic, which very few other types of meat can be used for. pig offals are of acceptable textures most of the times, though they've overall softened as time goes on, which may lead to one point docked as I don't like that texture.

chicken: 8/10. also very versatile and takes on spices very well, but experiences may vary much more due to the large difference in texture and taste between dark and light meat on a chicken. the big reason why I mark chicken one point lower than pork is that I find reheated chicken much less pleasant than reheated pork. phantom extra point for show of skill with eating bone-in chicken with chopsticks. remove phantom extra point for overrepresentation in every offering meal. offals are inoffensive, but overly soft for my taste. blood however is more tolerable than pig blood.

beef: 8/10. I love beef. beef is great to eat and great to cook, especially viet beef, since you're either sautéing it on high or stewing it until it falls apart anyway. but not only is beef expensive, quality also varies greatly with different price points. beef fat is also very hard to deal with and it makes me mad to throw away a whole puck of fat. as a casual source of protein it falls firmly into the "more troubles than it's worth" category. the one thing keeping its score in the high range is phở and beef jerky.

duck: 9/10. far superior to chicken in my sincere opinion, but a chore to eat in the summer. in no way an every day meal, but this only secure its place as a treat, which gets it graded on the treat ladder, and it scores high there. the only thing keeping it from perfection is the heavier musk that limits its versatility compared to its land-bound counterpart.

muscovy duck: 7/10. taste-wise deeper than duck, but texture-wise much chewier, which makes eating it even more of a task. cooking options have been pretty much limited to roast and poach. it being bigger than a duck makes prepping and portioning it just slightly off as well, so most often you go out to eat it, which docks point for convenience.

squab: 6/10. the problem here is maybe lack of dedication to the craft. or maybe it's that it's very little, not very exciting meat for too much effort. putting a tentative question mark here for this score because I believe there is a squab experience out there that doesn't feel gimmicky but will blow the doors wide open to new horizons for me. I see potential in this, and I'm not yet sick of disappointment.

silk worm: 8/10. the reason why it's not getting a higher score is because there's one single dish I like with it as an ingredient, which is roasted dried silk worm with fish sauce, but the reason why the score's still an eight is because that dish slaps mad shit. it tentatively falls on the treat scale because it's not very easy to acquire, but once you get a bag of it you're pretty much set for several months, so I would still consider it casual-meal-worthy. may be an acquired taste, but I fully recommend acquiring that taste.

snail: 5/10. abhorrent texture, mild taste. better as ingredients for more complex dishes than as a standalone protein. my mom likes it though so it gets passing grade.

oyster: 3/10. worse texture than snail, even worse taste. doesn't get better when you season it, only makes the seasoning itself worse. not getting a zero only because it's good for blood and I'm open to a chance of redemption down the road.

shrimp/crab: 6/10. get the same mark because I eat them at the same frequency and the amount of paperwork required to eat them is equally excessive. take on spices fairly well, but it's not enough. if I could hold a crab like a hamburger and take a big bite this score would change. saved from the mid grade by their seasoning quality for delectable summer broths.

eel: 4/10. the only good way I've found to eat eel is to deep fry it until it denatures and turns into basically seaweed chips. this is good for sour soup rice noodle, but for that same palate a number of different fishes do the job better with more personality. it's okay with a heap of sauce japanese style, but the price discourages exploration.

tuna: 7/10, and mostly for canned tuna salad. eaten raw I find it mid and unexciting. a nice tuna salad sandwich is fun and childlike in its appreciation of the simple things though, so I wholely respect it.

salmon: 9/10. about as versatile as a seafood can get, and is fun to experience in any form. only one point docked for price and lack of excitement - I also, like with squab and oyster, await a life-changing salmon experience that makes this protein perfect once and for all.

clam worm: 8/10. like with silk worm, I only find it edible in one single form, which is minced clam worm patty fried up, but it excels at that one single thing. also stays in the high grade for fun factor of being a seasonal treat.

frog: 6/10. I really like frog legs. it has the tenderness of white fish with the ease of access of a chicken wing, and the taste is delicate in a delightful way. but I really dislike most of the rest of the frog to put in my mouth. this makes it kinda wasteful as a meat option. overall just kinda better enjoyed alive than cooked for like a third of its body.

dog/cat: 3/10. grouped up once again because they're equally unpleasant texture-wise and limited in prep options. I find meat from mammals of this size downward soft in a really off, is-it-going-bad-or-is-it-just-like-this way. the musk borders on off-putting, which is why prep options are limited to heavy seasoning and stew or roast. overall just way too little bangs for their bucks.

rabbit: 5/10. texturally worse than dog and cat, but the musk is much lighter and takes on seasoning much better. not really something you can find casually in the wet market, so exploration of the possibilities here isn't of convenience. this score may be subjected to change in the future.

deer: 6/10. interesting taste, but tough texture and a bit hard to figure out how to season. very hard to get one's hand on in the city, and honestly from my exposure to it I wouldn't go out of my way to acquire a cut. firmly in the "sure, if I come across it" category.

water buffalo: 6/10. beef but chewier. makes for good drinking food, but I barely drink, so mostly not my thing. also limited in ways to prep - most commonly sautéd with garlic or made into jerky. I feel like there's a depth to this protein I cannot access, which makes me mad, but also earns it respect.

field mouse: 4/10. texturally even worse than rabbit, taste-wise extremely inoffensive. verges on the low end because it just raises the question of why. why is this a local specialty. it's mouse, dude. you can not be gentrifying that. they failed to make it a big deal btw so I'm correct on this one.

lobster: 6/10. gets this score for lobster freaks who spent decades studying how to make this big shrimp taste better and furiously honed their craft with cheese and butter and garlic. 80% of lobster experiences happen at the hands of those people, so the median score averages out at pretty ok. I am, however, lactose intolerant, and thus unwelcomed by these lobster zealots. this, combined with lobster being a luxury food, lowers the score to slightly above passing grade.

snake: 5/10. literally the only impression it left me with was that it was snake meat ooh how rare and cool. texturally more pleasant than eel and more versatile, but that ends up landing it squarely in the “utterly unremarkable” zone. at least now I’m pretty confident I would bite a chunk off a snake if I’m ever lost in a jungle with no way out. passing grade for the worth of information.

horse: 7/10. has the taste depth of deer, but with the texture of beef when simmered for a long time. literally had this first time today so my experience with it is extremely limited, but I can't really imagine it being easy to chew if roasted. two outstanding features are that the fat is really nice to eat even in larger pieces, and the blood cooks into a texturally acceptable jelly, which is not the case with any other animal blood for me. score may be up to change in the future as well.

mantis shrimp: 8/10. lobster wishes it has the playful zeal and easy-going nature of mantis shrimp. the amount of paperwork required to enjoy mantis shrimp is half of shrimp's or crab's, and texture-wise it's just better. literally crack this one in half like a flip phone and put some salt and lime on it, that's a treat. so far the gold standard for shelled seafood. only gets an eight because I don't really think about eating it every day, but I have hope this can be turned around in a shocking and life-changing event as well.

anchovy: this one doesn't get a score due to its ritualistic importance. really is included here because I ritually cleaned and cooked way too many of these so a job I was gunning for could go through successfully. it worked btw. still don't know if I recommend it

#bakuspeech #cw: food #cw: meat #obvious disclaimer I dont make it a business to repeat previously proven to be unpleasant experiences #so some of these I limit my exposure to as much as possible on purpose.#hi. Im at my grandparents place. its dark in here #not getting to work on what Im supposed to for a whole weekend is making me antsy #I think I will be able to chip off something for prep during the course of this. but its not gonna be much #anyways Im bored as shit and new food experience dropped today so I guess I sat down and wrote this up #happy solar new year in like a day. hey if you have a new year meal with some meat enjoy it yeah?#cherish the protein. we can learn to love ourselves through loving the meat. and the green and the starch and the spices #have a good night. idk why I tallied this tbh. I just kinda realized how much Ive experienced food-wise #and yet! still very little in the wide world of meals and treats #here's to a future filled with more....

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