#though the rest of the song is still pog as fuck
Note
racer!sapnap road head pog¿
pog.
this is kind of a subchapter ig bc nothing really happens to continue on the story but I figured I'd give it to you anyway :) im so down bad for him it’s embarrassing. if you know me irl no you don't
𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑. 𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐫!𝐒𝐚𝐩𝐧𝐚𝐩
pairing: street racer!Sapnap x fm!reader
cw: oral (m. receiving), thigh riding, degradation (slightly), spit cum and rock and roll, language, semi-public sex, sir kink?, okay shut up its just filth tbh
wc: ~2380
collaborative playlist (add your songs :))
previous part
Sapnap ran his fingers through his dark hair, moving to rest his arm along the back of the bench seat, his hand brush against your shoulder softly. His other hand settled lazily on the thin steering wheel after turning up the radio a few notices. You swirled your tongue against the strawberry sucker between your lips, trying to quell the burning frustration you felt at his words.
“Suck on this and be a good girl while I’m on the phone,” he had said, answering his ringer after pushing the treat into your mouth.
He’d hung up the phone at least ten minutes prior yet you were still pouting at his nipping, cocky tone as you took the candy without sassing him. Sapnap never drove cars that were as old as the one you were in now, but he had asked you to tag along during one of his deliveries for his boss. You were curious which vehicle you would be swapping the tank for but, at the same time, you appreciated the bench seat and the airflow from the open windows.
Despite its age, the leather seats and detailing made it feel like the two of you were in some kind of old gangster movie, even though Sapnap was only in jeans and a t-shirt.
You slid across the seat, tucking yourself against his side as he wrapped his arm around you. You pulled your knees to your chest and he pressed his lips against your temple, stepping on the gas a bit more as he sped down the road. Your hand moved to rest on his thigh, slowly sliding your hand down the inside of his leg. You could see him smirking out of the corner of your eye as if to dare you to continue.
He started to hum to the radio as your nails raked down the denim, resting your head in the crook of his neck. He seemed to not be affected by your antics but you noticed his knuckles flush white as he gripped onto the steering wheel, giving away his subtle restraint.
You leaned back slightly, pulling the sucker from your mouth as his eyes darted to you before you stuck it in his mouth. “Hold this for me,” you muttered, watching as his teeth bit down on the stick as you palmed him through his jeans. Your other hand ran into his hair as his hold on the steering wheel tightened, his lips curling into a small smirk.
You sat off of him for a split second, tying your hair back as he shook his head with a small chuckle, forcing his eyes to remain glued to the road ahead of you. You pressed your lips to his neck, unbuttoning his pants and slipping your hand into his boxers, earning a groan from him. “Can I suck on something else to keep quiet?” You joshed softly as he shifted to give you a better angle. He inhaled sharply as your hand wrapped around the base of his cock.
You moved to sit with your knees against the leather, his hand hooking around your ponytail as you pumped your hand over his length, earning a moan from him. You looked up at him with what doe-eyes you could muster, attempting to hide the lust and deviousness behind your antics. He looked down briefly at you as he shifted gears lazily. “Am I going to be too distracting?” You asked, realizing he had stopped at a red light. He barely shook his head, sending a small wave to whoever was in the car beside the two of you.
You dug your teeth into his thigh and his fingers slipped beneath your ponytail, knotting in your locks as you quickened your hand. You moaned as he tugged at your hair, pushing yourself closer to his lap as the car began to move again. You were thankful he was a smooth driver or you would be thrown to the floorboards. That goes without saying that he wouldn’t slam on the breaks if you tried any funny business.
He pressed his shoulders against his seat, a low groan grumbling from his chest as his arousal grew in your hand. You pressed your lips against his tip, letting your tongue tease his sensitive skin. You pushed him into your mouth, gauging his size as you bobbled your head over his cock slowly, not yet taking him completely. The rush of power pulsed through your veins as he throbbed at your touch, your tongue swirling against what you could reach of his shaft.
His hand moved from its rough grip on your hair to rest in the crook of your neck, seemingly wanting to feel your throat straining to please him. You pulled off of him, swallowing as your hand bobbed against the slickness of your spit and his precum. He made a turn, hand steady as if you weren’t pressing your elbows into the expensive leather and literally stroking his ego.
You licked your lips, regretting your lipstick choice as you saw it smeared against your hand and his cock, despite the fact that you had only just begun. You took him into your mouth again, hollowing your cheeks the best you could as your hand moved in tandem with the song. His thumb brushed against the back of your neck softly in quiet gratefulness of your work. Your tongue swirled designs against his dick as you attempted not to choke on him.
You felt him shiver as you moaned around him. “Baby, just like that,” he cooed. “You’re taking me so well. My good girl.” His voice was gravelly as he spoke, teeth still holding the sucker as his eyes flashed between you in his lap and the road in front of him. Heat spiked through your body at his praise, the flush that was already there from the temperature in the car adding to the warmth between your legs.
You took him further down your throat, slipping him between your lips as you pulled off before taking a few centimeters more as you repeated. You were hell-bent on your mouth reaching his base, already tasting the worship he would give you as you did so. Your spit leaked against your hand, making your descent easier as your eyes watered from the pressure on your throat.
“Fuck, don’t stop,” he moaned, his hips tensing under you as he struggled not to buck into your mouth. Your tongue curled against his shaft, sucking him harder. The taste of him was beginning to overpower that of the lollipop as he strained against finishing, his cock hard in your mouth and hand. Tears striped down your cheeks as you held him in the back of your throat before bobbing your head back, his hot pleasure coating the back of your throat as he let out a low moan of your name.
You realized then that he had stopped. You pumped him a few more times, earning a snide comment from him as you looked at your slick hand wrapped around him and the damage that you had done. Before you could sit up, his hand wrapped around the back of your neck, keeping you in place. “Nuh-uh. Clean me up,” he commanded, his dominance sending a wave of pleasure throughout your body as you readily heeded to his demand, licking up what you could as if was the elixir of life.
You sat up, crawling over to straddle one of his legs and pulling the bare stick from between his teeth, tossing it out of the window. You pressed your lips against his hungrily, his arm wrapping around your waist to drag you against his denim-clad thighs. His other slipped beneath the hem of your shorts, nails biting into the flesh of your legs. The taste of him blended with the artificial strawberry flavoring as his tongue pressed into your mouth with a moan.
You rolled your hips against his legs, letting the friction swim into your thoughts as you broke the kiss. Your hand wrapped around his cock again, stirring up his arousal once more. His cheeks were flushed with a soft pink as a result of the hot summer day and what you were doing to him. He dug his face into the crook of your neck, sucking dark marks into your skin to show how much you belonged to him. You tilted your head to give him more space, moaning his name softly as his hand moved with your hips encouraging you to get off.
You sped up the pace of your hand, making him groan against your skin as he stiffened. His voice was deep and velvety in your ear as he wrapped himself around you. His tongue pressed against your neck, the breeze from the windows reaching into ghost against his marks. He bounced his knee as if dead set on getting you off before him as you ground against him like a horny teenager. “You’re my good little slut, aren’t you?” He bit, menacingly as you let out an almost pornographic moan at the friction. His arm tightened around you, driving you further up his leg as your thumb swirled over his tip, collecting what you could of his cum and dragging it down his length.
You tugged your lip between your teeth, your other hand threading your fingers into his hair and tugging lightly. “I’m your good little slut? Am I making you feel that good, sir?” You teased, stifling a moan in his t-shirt as he lapped at your collarbones, chasing the high you were bringing him to with your hand again.
His teeth nipped threateningly against your skin. “Fuck, don’t berate me while you’re riding my thigh,” he nearly growled. As if proving some kind of point, his hips jutted into your hand, driving against you harder as you whimpered at the feeling between your legs.
His hand dipped beneath the stitching at the slightly ruffled bottom of your shirt, fingers digging into your skin to leave more of his markings. You were lucky he would be the only one seeing those placements besides you. You couldn’t imagine how it would be for someone else to see the various teeth lines and bruises. He probably felt the same after you always littered his body in your makeup and nail marks. “Would you rather me be more vulgar?” You mustered, voice uneven and needy as you shamelessly thrust your hips against his leg. You felt his cock throb again, his second orgasm easier to conjure than the first as his face flushed at the stimulation.
He moved one of his hands to tug at your sleeve, pressing his lips against your freshly exposed skin. “Tell me what you want instead,” he groaned. “You look so cute. I wanna hear you whine like the little slut I know you are,” he muttered darkly.
“I want you to cum all over my hand,” you moaned, digging your face into his shirt. “I want you to make a mess of me. Please, sir,” you whined. His hand moved from your arm to the crook of your neck again, tugging your lips to crash against his in a burn of neediness. You moaned at the taste of strawberry still on his lips, dragging yourself against his leg as he bounced his knee, making your climax spark through you without warning. As your hips stuttered against him, your hand pulsed around his cock. Swallowing your whimpering moans, Sapnap came, his sticky finish painting your hand again as he groaned.
You leaned against the hood of the car, watching as Sapnap and an unknown man discussed prices that Sapnap’s boss was asking for. You popped the gum in your mouth, finding that you would much rather be tasting Sapnap on your tongue as he crossed his arms. The man handed him an envelope of cash, which he flipped through easily as if he had done the task millions of times over.
The man flashed a toothy grin at you as you tucked your hands behind your back, looking small compared to Sapnap’s frame. Sultry images flipped through your head knowing that Sapnap looked like he could break you over his knee. “That pretty thing come with the Mercury?” The man asked. While you were busy gushing over Sapnap, you hadn’t realized the man was sizing you up like some kind of meat.
You wrinkled your nose as if to question his sincerity. Without looking up from the envelope, Sapnap chimed, “Make a comment like that again and I’ll drag you behind the ‘65 Catalina by your intestines.” His voice was even and deadpanned, making your eyebrows raise as you bit back a sardonic grin. The man closed his mouth into a tight-lipped frown as Sapnap barely looked up to toss him the keys to the car the two of you had brought.
He turned, stuffing the envelope into his pocket and gesturing two fingers for you to follow him. As you jogged to join his side, he wrapped an arm around you, sliding his hand into your back pocket as the man yelled a defeated salutation after the two of you. “I’m not letting anyone talk to you like a toy,” Sapnap bit, sending you a smug grin.
You almost stripped out of your shorts for him there, yet instead, let him tuck you to his side. “You talk to me like I’m a toy, Sap,” you quipped back, disguising the fact that you secretly liked it. His confidence and the ease he had at defending you had your head spinning.
He chuckled darkly. The two of you approached another vehicle, a sleek, black Corvette gleaming at you as he opened the passenger door. He leaned his arms against the open window frame as you slid inside. He closed the door behind you. “That’s because you’re mine to play with. Not Bumfuckville Kenny,” he leered back, bringing a blush to your cheeks before he pressed his lips to yours briefly. “I treat you like a lady when you’re not begging for my cock, anyway,” he clarified with a cocky tone, sending you a wink before walking around the front of the car, leaving you hot and worked up again.
Tag List: (to be added, follow this link :))
im going to try to have a separate list from regular Sapnap pretty soon, so make your accommodations :)
@bobbyftmydad @pluto-dizzz @more-like-reyna @deepestofwaters @marrymetheonott @froggyy06 @ghoulandghost @marshmallow-babe @drunkpumpkincake @unstableye @tinyegg @shroomieissmall @mintmochiii @clubfairy @camerondiaz48104 @madsbbg @simpforblockguys @alm334 @valkyrieidunn @idiotinnit @generallysleepdeprived @sacvf @phsychopathetic @pixelbxtch @froggerrrr @ribbitsworld @jemalovesmarvel @sbi-is-my-onlysanity @victoria-a567 @miiilliiee @bunnylotl @thegirlwhowritesawksh-t @carlyferrell @dumb-chaotic-bi-energy @quivvyintheclouds @sarcasticmichelle @book-of-anarchy @lightdreamy @furiouspockettoad @baddiesforcorpse @b00bm1lk @sunnynapp @fantasy-innit @wreny24 @thewintersoldier25 @setsunaisprouts @cdizzlevalntyne @jarofbumblebees @lightdreamy @sacvf @kiritokunuwu @sunnynapp @stxrryb1tch @rat-poisin @driverpicksthe-music @hiccupofttea @honk-izzie-was-taken @wreny24 @thewintersoldier25 @deepestofwaters @fratbro69 @exenestea @glowstick-cafe @indecisivehusky @simpforblockguys @fallxnly @twist3dtinkerbell @karlkitten @dolcesnightmare
#racer!sapnap#sapnap x reader#sapnap imagine#sapnap fanfic#sapnap smut#mcyt au#mcyt smut#mcyt x reader#edgers
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|| DREAM SMP HEADCANONS ||
✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧
hello! this is my first time doing headcanons, and i just want to clarify some things:
sadly, i won't be doing requests because i'm busy af with school and i dont want to dissapoint anyone, but you can drop some suggestions and i would think about it! it would be really nice :)
also i won't be writing romantic headcanons for minors or those who are uncomfortable with it, but i can do platonic headcanons for them! ^^
i won't be doing nsfw headcanons either, because i'm uncomfy with sexualizing real people and just writing nsfw in general :)
also, please tell me if someone is uncomfortable with fanfics and/or headcanons and i will erase that part as fast as possible, thanks for passing by! - batling
✦ means platonic
✦ characters : ranboo, tubbo, tommy, philza, techno and jschlatt
♥ means romantic
♥ characters: quackity, wilbur, nihachu, dream, george, sapnap, eret, karl, fundy and bbh
keywords:
(y/n) : your name
(n/n) : nickname
(p/p) : pizza place
✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧
“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” – John Green
┌────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┐
SLEEPOVERS
---
GENDER NEUTRAL
└────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┘
♥ Quackity
oh boy
i just have two words for this one: pure chaos
he will punch you with a pillow if you try to sleep
and you will be MAD at this
grabbing a pillow and hitting him RIGHT IN THE FACE with all your strenght
he'll probably fake cry about it, saying that you hurt him
after a while of pillow fighting, you guys got tired and plopped into the bed, snuggling into eachother and just enyoing the comfortable silence before drifting to sleep
♥ Wilbur
you two will probably blast hamilton and scream the lyrics till the neighbours wake up and you get angry knocks at your door
and you will laugh at that, lowering the speaker's volume and telling him to lower his voice aswell to avoid your neighbours calling the police
then you'll eat snacks and talk about anything that pops into your mind, laughing at the most silly jokes
he will sing sweet songs to you, making you fall asleep to his calming voice
summary: fluff
♥ Nihachu
you and her will bake pastries at a very late hour
she REALLY enjoys baking with you bc she thinks it's a great way to spend time with you
all this girl wants is to spend her time by your side, doing particularlly anything like streaming, baking, playing games and going outside for a walk and/or shopping
once you finished baking, she will kiss your cheek multiple times. that's her way to tell you that you did a great job :)
you'll spend the rest of the night cuddling, eating your pastries and watching some random movie, commenting about how bad it is and laughing
♥ Dream
bruh
this bitch will speedrun the sleepover
is it possible to speedrun a sleepover? maybe
you'll spend the rest of the night probably playing uncharted 3: drake's deception in his old ps3
after a while, you guys got bored from uncharted and went to his pc to play amnesia: the dark descent
there are 2 options:
you will be scared as fuck and will avoid looking at the screen when you think something bad will happen or when some body will come out from a drawer
or you will be totally chill with it, laughing hard when clay pisses his pants for real when he encounters the gatherer
you named the gatherer 'bob' :)
♥ George
he'll take you to the rooftop
and pushes you so you fall to your death
i mean
he gets blankets and pillows so you can stargaze together
he'll teach you the constelations while pointing them, excited about every single one of them
"look (y/n), that's the ursa major!"
he'll have hot chocolate prepared too, so you don't get cold while stargazing
you try your best to not fall asleep on the rooftop
but eventually fail
when he notices you're asleep, he stops talking about the constellations and carries you to your bedroom, giving you a goodnight kiss and leaving you in your bed so you can have a peaceful rest
♥ Sapnap
hey mamas
i don't know what sapnap will do in a sleepover so i will just improvise B)
you will watch anime together
not any kind of anime, like that romance-comedy bullcrap
no fuck that
you will watch the classy angsty anime like madoka magica
WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY
you will fucking cry because of literally anything that happens to the characters
"(y/n) why are you crying it's just a show"
'IT'S NOT ANY SHOW SAPNAP IT'S FUCKING MADOKA MAGICA OF COURSE I'M GOING TO CRY'
the last chapter made you fucking cry harder
AUTHOR HERE I WAS CRYING SO MUCH WHEN IT ENDED
yeah you will basically watch anime with him, cry about it and he will comfort you and bring you a glass of water so you don't have a terrible headache after it
I KNOW THIS HEADCANON SUCKED I'M SO SORRY
♥ Eret
KINGG <3
you two will plan a picnic in your yard
yes your yard
he'll bring a ton of snacks and you'll buy a few drinks
you two spend the rest of the picnic talking about your future and enjoying the snacks
then, he'll make you stand up and will teach you how to dance tango
and of course you will mess everything up
and you even stomped on his feet accidentally, making him wimper
but he brushed off the pain and laughed at your concerned face
after calming down his laughter, he gave you a passionate kiss and hugged you tightly
i love eret ok
♥ Karl Jacobs
this man.
this man is the definition of sweet
you'll spend the night cuddling and making cute pet names for eachother
he will definetely give you a great back massage if you're stressed
then he'll start writing love letters full of things he adore of you
and you'll do the same for him
after that, you will share your letters and just snuggle and smile at the sweet things you guys wrote for eachother
he will deffo shower you with kisses when he finishes reading your letter, telling you that you're the nicest person on earth
and that he loves you so so much
♥ Fundy
i'm a huge fundy simp ok
he will bring his piano to your house and you guys will compose a melody together
he will let you sit on his lap while you play the piano/keyboard with him
fundy will basically teach you how to play basic piano songs
you asked him if you guys could play megalovania together
he said no :(
but still you got to play nice songs together without messing up
and when you got the hang of it, he snuggled his face in your neck and kissed you there genly
and when you got tired, he started playing very calming songs and you fell asleep in his lap, snuggling into his chest
he gently carried to your room and will sleep beside you putting a fair distance so you can have a comfortable sleep!
♥ BadBoyHalo
bbh supremacy
he will get rat ready so you can snuggle with her too :)
you guys will mainly play with rat and talk about life in general
he will call you tons of cute pet names
ofc he will call you muffin it's bbh who we're talking about
he will talk about how bad he wants to spend the rest of his life with you
after a while, he will take you to his kitchen and start making muffins together
he will guide you on how to bake 'em though
you guys had a great time making muffins and cuddling with him and rat :)
══════ ∘◦❀◦∘ ══════
✦ Ranboo
tall mf gives the best piggy back rides
when he gets to your house there is a 100% chance he will bump his head on the door frame
and there is a 100% chance you will make fun of him because of that
"(y/n) please stop laughing my head hurts :("
you'll give him some ice to put on his head while you two play minecraft on your ps4
you will bring snacks too and ask him if his head is better
"yeah, thank you (n/n)"
he will pull you in a hug so you can be comfy together while you play good ol' minecraft
because ranboo surely doesn't play anything besides fucking minecraft
stfu that video of him playing spooky's jump scare mansion doesn't exist
✦ Tubbo
SWEET BE BOYY <3
he will gift you a bee plushie
expect a lot of (FRIENDLY) hugs from him
like fundy, you guys will play piano together
you guys are most likely to prank call some random numbers AND your friends
and you accidentally called some random pizza place
"hello! this is (p/p), may i take your order?"
you were nervous and didn't know what to say
UNTIL YOU CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA
"hello? are you there?"
'hi yes, i would like to order 7 extra large pepperoni pizzas to (tommy's adress).'
"oh- okay! uhm- they will arrive in a few hours. are you okay with that?"
'yes ma'am, thank you.'
when you ended the call, you couldn't help but burst out laughing, knowing that tommy will be so mad at you guys-
✦ Tommy
like quackity, PURE. CHAOS.
you guys will obviously stream your sleepover
doing a q&a stream :)
tubbo and wilbur will probably crash your stream and start spamming things like 'MEETUP??' and 'DIDN'T GET AN INVITE'
you guys laughed and added them to the call
"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU GUYS INVITE ME?" wilbur shouted
'i'm sorry willlll'
you kept playing minecraft with wilbur, tubbo and quackity too since he crashed your stream like an hour later
after the stream, you got up and plopped on the mattress that was on the floor
"tired?"
'yeah'
"okay, good night big (initial)"
✦ Philza
POG
YEAHHH SLEEPOVER WITH THE MINECRAFT GOD
AND KRISTIN'S THERE TOO :)))
and oh god you ADORE kristin
i'm pretty sure she's a total sweetheart
it would be like having a sleepover with your parents
only that it's less boring
you guys will watch a movie together, you will be in one side of the couch eating snacks while phil and kristin are in the other cuddling
you'll eventually bug them about it
after the movie, you fell asleep early and philza noticed, talking to kristin about it too
and wrapped a blanket around you so that you get a good rest :)
✦ Technoblade
mr. blood god teaches you the arts of the CRAFT.
yeah i mean it's techno what else does he play besides minecraft
he will play bedwars w/ u, teaching you how to pvp
"bro you kinda suck tbh"
'stfu techno'
he will comment about how bad you are, but tries to help you get better anyways
and when you do a very poggers gamer move, he praises you
and when he praises you you're all :)))
after awhile, he gets tired from watching you play minecraft and suggest watching anime
fucking weeb
i mean
uh
other thing you guys do together in a sleepover is playing and commenting about pokemon
if you don't like pokemon get tf out of here /J
i was joking please don't leave i respect your tastes
✦ Jschlatt
ooooh boy
get ready for a session of wii training
that's all you guys will do
play wii sports and some other shit like wii music
he will laugh his ass of if you fall while playing wii fit
but he will eventually help you bc outside his funny and shouty persona, he's a really chill guy and a really nice person!
seriously like have you ever seen a theweeklyslap video?
well expect hearing amazing pep talks from him
bc this man is a legend and knows his way to words and is very good at comforting people :)
sometimes you'll rant to him about anything that's happening in your life, and he will listen to you and give you really helpful advice
and you appreciate him so much for that
✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧
TYSM FOR READING GUYS, i appreciate it if you made it this far :)
i hope you guys really enjoyed these headcanons, it's my first time doing them and aa i'm a bit nervous about posting this but i'll be fine ig
also i'm sorry if there's a grammatical error, english is not my native language and i'm still learning it :) have a nice day/night, drink water and don't fuck up your sleeping schedule!!
#mcyt x reader#ranboo x reader#wilbur soot x reader#dream x reader#nihachu x reader#sapnap x reader#quackity x reader#georgenotfound x reader#karl jacobs x reader#tubbo mcyt#tommyinnit#philza x reader#technoblade x reader#schlatt x reader#fundy x reader#badboyhalo x reader#fluff#eret x reader#fanfiction#mcyt imagine#dream smp#dream smp x reader#comfort headcanons#sleepover headcanon
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HC: Call This The ‘Can This Man Cook’ Section
(….. I don’t think these men can cook 😔)
First post pog :D I wrote a majority of these super late at night, so please forgive and let me know of any mistakes you find <3 Also, it’s a little long lol
Characters: Dream, George, SapNap, Badboyhalo, Wilbur, Technoblade, Philza, Quackity, Fundy, Schlatt.
Warnings: None, except for a kinda risqué comment in Philza’s. Oh and I guess there’s mentions of eating meat in case someone wants the warning :3
Song Recommendation: I Love You So- The Walters
Hella fluffy! Hope you enjoy <3
From best to worst:
#1: BadBoyHalo-
Bad is the best at cooking on the server. He is the creme of the crop, absolute top one percent, king shit at cooking.
He can cook, bake, and temper chocolate perfectly, what more could you want?
His favorite to-go recipes are cheesy garlic bread and a special spicy chicken and rice recipe which he typically makes when the boys are over at his house for the night. When he’s with you he goes for something a little smoother, some mulled sweet berry cider with a smoked cod fillet, eaten under the light of candles while you quietly chat about life and your fellow friends. It’s always one of Bad’s most anticipated hangouts, and he’s very careful about planning when it comes to those days.
While he appreciates being complimented on his food or his skills, deep down he wants to have someone to cook and share his knowledge with so the cooking process becomes much richer. He’s cooked for so long and learned so much, but it means nothing if he can’t share it with another person. The moment you come to him and ask him for help on any kind of recipe, he’ll drop almost everything to help you.
Side note; he absolutely carried lunch and dinner for his fellow DTeam members. While Sapnap would mostly take over breakfast, Bad would be hounded by begging puppy looks from these adult men who couldn’t cook and kind of just sigh and get the ‘kiss the cook’ apron ready. It’s not like he hates it or anything, but the endearing factor kinda slips off after a few years of adult men groveling.
(Bad’s hands rest over yours, dwarfing them entirely as he helps you cut the pasta sheet straightly. “There you go!” He encourages, squeezing your hand gently and stepping away, moving back to dice the vegetables on the cutting board next to you. A comfortable silence falls, and with it comes something in Bad’s heart softening. The worries and exhaustion in his mind ease, and he slips into a contented routine of finely chopping and slicing. It’s been a while since he’s felt so calm. There’s nothing that can ruin this-
The front door slams open. Footsteps walk in and approach the kitchen and you both hear it,
“Baaaaaaaaad.” Bad cringes, taking a step back.
“Baaaaaaaaaaad, we’re hungry.” Sapnap.
“Yeah Bad, feeeeeeeed uuuuuuus.” George.
And then, from around the door frame, a white mask peeks in. Nobody says a word, but you can feel Bad deflate next to you like let go balloon.
“It’s alright, big guy.” You laugh, grabbing his forearm and leaning up against him. His sad puppy eyes make you smile a little, and you try to reassure him. “We can hang out alone another time. Let’s keep working on the pasta.” He sighs, but still returns your smile. “Yeah, another time.”)
#2: Philza
Sigh…. he can cook. Not quite as good as Bad can, but better than Quackity. A solid second place. It stems mainly from being so knowledgeable that he just knows and has tried so many different foods, but since he doesn't actually do much cooking, I'm making him a flaky second place.
Doesn’t mind cooking, but doesn’t love doing it either. He’s always focused on so many different things that he’ll forgo eating to keep working on what he’s doing. He mostly cooks for Techno and Ranboo or the few guests (you) they seem to receive. Makes great stew, and even better roasted chicken, is absolutely immaculate when it comes to cooking bird.
He didn’t teach Wilbur or Techno shit! I wish I could say it’s because he wanted to but just couldn’t, but he was literally like “hmm. Im a little busy now, maybe next year” every year!! But, this being said, if you ask him to make something with you or teach you how to cook a particular dish, he will agree to help you. Old age has really mellowed him out, and after certain events, he realizes he needs to stay a bit closer to those he cares about from now on.
He likes sweets well enough, and will always thank you for any gifts you make for him. Along with growing older, he’s had time to lose his pickiness he had in his youth. If he does end up cooking with you, he’ll prefer doing the harder recipes over easy ones. He will lose it laughing if it turns out bad, so don’t worry about any disappointment (his children make up enough of that ^^).
(“Now,” Phil starts, washing his hands quickly as you wait for him next to the cutting board. “Pufferfish needs to be prepared perfectly, or we will die when we eat it. But I don’t need to explain to you how a pufferfish works, now do I?”
When you shake your head no, he comes up behind you, tarnished wings bound and hair pulled up in a pony tail.
“The meat of a pufferfish is very delectable, and much better with a glass of wine.” He grins cheekily, “ If this works out well, which I’m sure it will, dinner will be delicious.”
It falls quiet for a second, and as your hesitantly looking over the fish that may be your last, you gasp when you feel him press up against you back and rest his chin on your shoulder. “Maybe there’ll be other delicious things to eat as well,” He murmurs into you ear, before leaning back and busting out laughing. Your face feels stupidly hot. Dilfza quest activated.)
#3: Quackity-
Quackity:
Quackity can cook. I know!! I’d say he’s like the third best cooker on the list. And he’s not half bad at baking either.
He likes making up stupid bad recipes and trying them out with you, even if at the end of it the one of you up chucks your damned creations the hour after. Despite his reigning need for chaos though, he knows how to make a decent amount of recipes and strives for praise when he’s actually putting forward effort. He’ll arrange little dinner dates (“A handsome man and his very pretty friend, good food made by yours truly, and La Chona, what do you say, baby?”) and will sit there with a 🥺 look on his face until you tell him if you liked it or not.
He tries to act like he’s unaffected by your words, but even a small, “That was really good.” will make him turn red and giggle like a schoolgirl. He tries to play it off, but it’s easy to tell he loves the complements. Will also never tell you anything you make is bad. You are a deity descended upon minecraft Earth and he is but your prettiest disciple who will uphold your honor and treat you like you should be treated!!!! But he’ll then promptly choose to help you with and guide you into cooking/baking better ^^; He loves you!
As for baking, he really likes making cakes because of how simple they can be. It helps calm him down when he can just slip into bake mode and follow a recipe and make something nice at the end of it. Speaking of, he also has a sweet tooth, but not quite as bad as Techno does. Any sweets or food you make for him is always eaten, and always held in high regard. Will try to entice you into feeding him 👀👀 so watch out.
(He’s doing it again. You try to avoid looking directly at the dopey lovesick smile Quackity has on his face at the moment, but as you lift the fork up, you get a better idea.
You look at him (to which he seems to melt a little under your gaze), look at the fork, and then back to him, raising the piece of cake up to his lips. His expression turns flabbergasted and his blush deepens.
He doesn’t seem to believe you for a second, until you nudge the cake close and flash him a smile. Then it’s like a switch has been flicked; he giggles, blushing, and eats the cake right off the fork. He’s gone back to smiling that silly smile again, this time even brighter, but it’s okay. You try to ignore the way your heart speeds up in your chest when he begs you for another piece.)
#4: Schlatt-
Another cooker~! He specializes with formal dinners more than anything else, and adores a good steak.
During his presidency, he didn’t cook very often. Quackity and you had to keep him fed through most of it, and the memory of watching you cook in his kitchen while he looked over work papers at his dining table leaves a mark on him, sealing a new crave for domesticity that he hadn’t ever wanted before.
Sometimes he would cook though. You, Quackity, and Tubbo would all gather around and eat together every once in a blue moon, when Schlatt was sober and calm. It feels tense at the table but also not in a way? Schlatt always seems to be chillest during dinner, a mix of the alcohol wearing off and the emphatic family feel that comes with Tubbo, Quackity, and you surrounding him.
He loves cake! It’s one of the few desserts he’ll eat, but you have to watch him closely or he’ll gorge himself of the treat. Indulge him and invite him to make a cake with you, and it will be one of the most interesting bakes of your life. How Schlatt got three eggs to stick to the ceiling is beyond you, but the look in his eyes tells you he’s completely fucking sober and hamming up his own cluelessness. You probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it weren’t for him hiding all the other eggs around your kitchen as well. How did he get one on the top of your door without it falling when you opened it? That’s between him and god.
Overall, a good 4th place on the list.
(“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Schlatt says, deadpanned, looking you right in the fucking eyes with an undisturbed egg sitting perfectly straight on his head.
“Where are the eggs, Schlatt.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Schlatt.”
“Yes.”
The container you kept them in is completely empty on your kitchen counter, once full of eggs but now reduced to a desolate husk of its former glory. Speaking of former glories, your president turns around, arms crossed and stands there silently.
You look around. Theres one in the door handle of in the pantry, another wedged between two slices of bread in your bread box, and- oh god. On the fucking ceiling. Three, stuck to the ceiling, unmovable. After a full minute of dead silence you manage a “What the fuck have you done?”, and Schlatt turns to look.
“Oh hey. There they are.” Your mind turns into a rock, shatters, and crumbles into dust.)
#5: Dream-
Honestly if you’re looking for edible food that tastes range from ok to good Dream is your man. 5th place.
He knows a lot of ‘depression era’ type recipes just because he’s pretty homeless and his man hunts don’t allow him much time to hone his skills. Stuff like bread or mushroom stew comes easy to him after so many times of having to do it on the run. Bread is the only baking he won’t screw up.
Can cook meat well enough too, but doesn’t really do anything special to it (besides his sauces).
To elaborate: Over the unknown span of his life, he’s acquired these recipes for forgotten and questionable sauces that he’ll store in little jars and leave at your house for you to use. They’re odd, and the ingredients aren’t ever what you think might be edible, but they’re surprisingly tasty none the less. He likes to show you a new one every month or so to keep things fresh.
Pretty general about sweets, but has a severe love for chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Has never had one, but dreams about chocolate cake. It’s high on his bucket list and written another four times over.
One of his favorite things to do with you is bake, mainly because of how ruinous it always turns out. No matter your skill, Dream’s vibes decimates any luck the two of you will have while baking. It’s scientifically proven. You left the cupcakes in for a minute-JUST a minute over what they should’ve been and they came out rock solid. Dream tried to eat one anyway. Best part was watching him try to bite through the shell.)
(He thinks he’s over selling it, half-gnawing on the brown cupcake (it was supposed to be vanilla, he thought) and making stupid growls when his teeth barely break through the surface, but the feeling he gets when you start laughing hysterically next to him wipes away any negative thought he had and fills him with utter joy.
It's very late into the night, and you’re both a little loopy, but all the while you still lean against him as you giggle, the spot tingling where your hand rests on his arm.
His heart thumps crazily, before sinking. Oh god. He’s in love with you.)
#6: Technoblade-
Knows a lot, but very little. He can cook the meat perfectly fine, but there’s a difference between being cooked and tasting good. He doesn’t know how to season them. Salt is the bare minimum you get.
6th place ^^; sorry king.
He’s good with potatoes though. I like to think that the countless hours spent potato farming had to account for something. He likes having cheese and butter on them every once in a while, but for the most part just eats them salted like an animal. It’s practically a show to watch him eat a cooked potato in three bites without anything but salt on it.
Big man loves food though, even if he doesn’t eat like it. Steak and cooked fish are high on his list of foods, but only if it’s cooked by Philza. And eventually you fall into his “I trust to eat this from you” category as well, but he has a special place in his heart for Phil’s cooking. Rabbit stew is at the very top.
He also eats a lot, being 6’10 and 200 something pounds of muscle, gotta consume quite a bit to keep him moving.
As for the sweeter variety of food, he’s got a massive sweet tooth. The moment you make him an apple pie or honey candy or anything of the like, he’s immediately enamored with you. Sweet things are hard to come by on the smp, especially with how far out he lives, but it’s a secret weakness of his that is very easily exploitable.
(You’ll be the death of him, he thinks, watching you closely as you trudge your way through the freshly fallen snow towards his house. Your normal pack is lighter than it usually looks, and he worries that you may slip and hurt yourself on the ice before you make it to the door. But still, you keep walking until you're standing at his doorstep, fist raised to knock when he opens it for you.
You look surprised for a second, and then a grin splits your face and his heart races.
“I can’t stay for long,” you say, having spent at least 30 minutes to get there. “But I wanted to drop this off for you before you went out to hunt again.”
Out of the bag, you pull another smaller leather bag and hand it to him gently. It rests heavy in his palm, and for a moment he’s sure it’s ender pearls that you’ve brought him. But still he opens it, and he’s immediately taken aback by the smooth golden candies you brought him.
“They’re honey candies.” At this point you’re practically grinning. “I thought you might like some while I was making them last night.”
He doesn’t have to see his own face to feel the deep blush setting in on his cheeks and ears. You…. you’re so…… sweet. You are very…. sweet, he admits to himself, and he is very not attached to you. Not at all.)
#7: Fundy and Sapnap tie.
Fundy-
Has his old man's cluelessness but is a fast learner. He doesn’t have much time to expand his food repertoire so it’s pretty much the basic stuff that he’s eaten during the war or before that when he was younger.
He really likes cooking though, and will invite you to come cook with him for dinner or lunch if he wants to hang out. When they were together, Dream had given him an old dusty cookbook that had several recipes he hadn’t ever heard of before, so that’s where most of what he tries to make comes from. His favorite to date was a special mutton dish that he asked you to try with him on his last birthday. It was just the two of you, but he had never had so much fun before.
Doesn’t like eating fish however, there’s just some bad vibe he gets when he thinks about cooking one or catching one. (Desperately ignores the fish fucker. Desperately ignores the fish fucker. Despera-)
Loves sweet berries as treats, seeing as that’s the only sweet thing he grew up with. Not too big on other sweet flavors. Likes honey in his tea though.
7th place cooker, will get higher as he learns more dishes.
(He raises his wine high with a laugh, clinking your glass with it as you both giggle drunkenly.
The lamb you had cooked together turned out amazing, juicy and tender and flavored with crimson fungus juice. The recipe was from an old cookbook he had, he faintly remembers telling you, hiding the fact that it was Dream’s cookbook that he was given after a particularly nasty argument.
He doesn’t want to think about him, especially not while he’s with you. Especially not when it’s his birthday.
So instead he ponders the trip through the nether he took with you to harvest some of the fungi, how the juice was tangy and slightly bitter, but how it had done wonders when basted onto the meat while frying.
You had looked so happy when you two plated the dish, so proud of him, all in a way that Dream never was.
Even now, as you tiredly smile at him from across the table, cheeks pink and eyes focused solely on the moment you were sharing, he feels at peace for once. This is what contentment felt like. Oh, how he loves you so.)
Sapnap-
Shame the shit cooker. Ok ok, he’s not as bad as some of the others on this list, but that’s just because he can make a half decent breakfast. It’s not much competition.
Bad has desperately tried to teach this boy some cooking besides eggs and toast, but the only things that seem to have stuck are mashed potatoes and grilled pork chops. Neither of which he even likes enough to make often.
He prefers fish to meat, and would eat any kind of cod you offered to him. Likes smoked salmon a lot, it’s something Bad made for him a lot when he was younger. He tries to recreate the dish, but comes up short and feels disheartened when it isn’t like Bad’s. He’d appreciate any time you took with him to learn how to make the dish, and it wholly sticks to his mind afterwards. He never forgets the experience, and treasures it very closely.
Likes not-sweet sweets. Not bitter per say, but just not very sweet. He likes chewy taffy in particular, but the old lady kind that lasts 60 years but gets hard in 6 minutes after being exposed to open air. Gotta be polite about it too, or he’ll end up embarrassed and pout for an hour.
(He’s eaten 6 of those fucking taffies since you sat down on the couch, completely straight-faced as the two of you of you listen to Dream and George talking.
At this point you’re completely checked out of their conversation, solely focused on the taffy Sapnap keeps eating. Where does he even get those? How many does he have?? You’ve been friends with him long enough to have seen him pop a taffy every other second of the day. He seems to have a stash on him at all times tucked away, filled with paper-wrapped pastel covered sweets.
“Want one?” Sapnap asks, holding out a light blue taffy with a little star drawn in yellow dye on the wrapper.
“What?” Startled, you lean back a bit and realize you had been staring him down as he ate, and flush with how rude that probably seemed.
“Want a taffy? I don’t mind sharing with you, cutie.” He winks and offers the taffy again. “....” You gaze at the taffy curiously. You’ve never seen him offer another person one of his precious taffies before. Hmm. “...Yes, thanks.”
You take it delicately, unwrapping the wrapper and taking a bite of it experimentally. It’s very lightly sweet, soft and chewy and surprisingly pleasant.
Sapnap watches you from the corner of his eye, softly smiling when he sees you eat the rest of it. Glad to see someone else has good tastes around here.)
#8. George-
Meager man makes a meager meal. I said what I said!!! This flatbread boy knows diddly squat, and the only things he can cook successfully are bread and mushroom soup. Which he will make. And that’s all he’ll make. Any food that isn’t that is cooked by either Bad or Dream, and he’s still picky about it.
He’ll make you the soup and bread ladies and gents. I’m not saying they’ll taste great together, but he will definitely make them for you. Anything else he’s pretty critical about, and he doesn’t care much for treats or dessert. He does occasionally like dark chocolate though, which he and Dream will beg Bad to make for them. Soon he begs you to make it for him, and then you have to go ask Bad how he makes it so George won’t complain about how it tastes different from Bads. It’s a weird situation. You make a lot of chocolate. Dream and George linger at your house for weeks on end until you get fed up and shoo them away with a broom.
To his credit, even though he can’t cook much, he’s really proud of his mushroom stew. Any time you let him cook, his go-to is his mushroom stew. He likes to feed you and know that you’re not hungry somewhere, and to top it off he gets to show you his prized dish; not Bad’s or Dream’s stew, but his. He’s cute or whateva…
(George places the bowl down in front you, stepping back and turning to grab his own, before sitting down next to you. He immediately begins to eat, and you give him a half glance as you bring the soup up to smell it.
It… doesn’t smell that bad, actually. Not burnt, at least. You spoon some of the soup into your mouth.
Despite all you’ve seen of George’s cooking, this is pretty well made. It’s nice and warm, and the flavors are rich and the mushrooms soft. You choose to ignore the small smile of his face next to you, and keep eating your soup quietly together.)
#9: Wilbur
Wilbur can’t cook for shit. Literally nothing. This man knows apples grow from trees and that animals are made of meat and that’s it.
You think Wilbur made any of his food when he was president or exiled or ever? Not a chance. He ate anything given to him, Tubbo and Tommy absolutely brought this man all the food they could find so he wouldn’t get eat straight trash or starve throughout the presidency. Techno slid him bare cooked potatoes in Pogtopia and he thought “oh this slaps….. this is the pinnacle of food”
Which I know, not really sexy. But! This means that the moment you feed him something a step up from a bare cooked potato he is in food heaven. He especially loves saucier kinds of foods with lots of flavor and spice to them, it’s just so fucking good. Food becomes his kryptonite after you feed this silly man.
With sweets, however, he isn’t that much of a fan. He does like those small lemon creme crackers, and you and da boys are the only ppl he’ll share them with.
(You hear him before you see him. The familiar clambering at your window draws your attention away from the pork you were dicing, and one look over your shoulder shows a disheveled but grinning Wilbur.
“I hope I’m not too late for dinner.” He jokes, brushing off his pants before approaching you to press a kiss to your temple. Soon after that you hear another set of clambering, and two pairs of stomps reveals one Tommy and one Tubbo respectively.
“What’s for dinner tonight, mate?”
“Hope you don’t mind if we join in!”
You sigh, turning back to hide your smile before they can see it.)
// Hope you enjoyed! I might write a pt2 of this later with some other ppl in it lol we’ll see :3
#mcyt x reader#c: dream#c: george#c: sapnap#c: badboyhalo#c: wilbur#c: technoblade#c: philza#c: quackity#c: fundy#c: schlatt#hc#hc: call this the 'can they cook section'#pt1 maybe ;3#fluff#rada rada#dream x reader#georgenotfound x reader#sapnap x reader#badboyhalo x reader#technoblade x reader#wilbur soot x reader#philza x reader#quackity x reader#fundy x reader#schlatt x reader
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Wilbur with a little sibling! reader|| 🌹
irl / in-game
Genre| fluff
d r a b b l e||
Sypnonis|
Wilbur has trouble coming up with a good song, as his little sibling tries to help out they’re older brother the best they can. It isn’t until after a little bonding moment that simple words give him major inspiration.
Artist| I couldn’t find them!! If you guys know who it is please tell me so i can give them proper credit!
Warnings| ....does no grammar or spelling checking count?
The room sat in a comfortable silence, the duo sitting in they’re apartments living room. Rain poured outside, the horizon looking gloomy yet comforting. A silent yet strong fog was present, as though you could sense it was there, even though it wasnt.
The sound of a guitar echoed throughout the room, fairy lights dangling from the ceiling as they’re scented candle burned on the coffee table.
Wilbur sighed, stroking his hand through his hair in defeat. His younger sibling, Y/N, looked up from the chair they sat in. “You okay Wilby?” Y/N asked, setting they’re phone down in they’re lap, as they looked up at their older brother. He merely mumbled in response, as he got up and walked over to the kitchen, about to raid they’re fridge.
“Hey while your in there, mind getting me a soda?” They asked, shifting they’re position. They simply heard rustling as he walked back with a can in each hand. “Here you go, leech.” Wilbur snorted, handing the can of soda to his little sibling. “Okay simp, back off.” Y/N retorted, opening the can and quietly sipping on it. They both giggled, as Wilbur flopped onto they’re couch, letting out a groan of defeat, soda can still in hand.
“Whats wrong Wilbur?” No response.
“Wilbuuuuuur?” Only a grumble.
“Wilbur seriously whats wrong? You rarely ever are like this, you know you can tell me.” Y/N said softly, shifting over as they layed they’re hand on his, looking up at him with worried eyes.
“I fucking hate this city, Y/N. It clogs my lungs amd makes me choke. Its so dull and soul reducing, i want to fucking leave. I want to leave with you, my little sibling, the one thing that I’ve always cared about.” Wilbur vented, his arm over his eyes as he played with his siblings hand in his. Y/N simply smiled, holding his hand in theirs.
“Is this because you cant think of any good song ideas?” Y/N giggled, looking at grown male. He simply lifted his arm, glaring at the smaller one, only to get a fit of laughter in response.
“God...your lucky i love you, Y/N.” Wilbur simply stated, both could feel the sarcasm in his tone. Because, truth be told, he did love them. He loved them with his whole heart and then some. Y/N simply smiled, getting up from they’re place on one of the chairs and moving next to they’re older brother. They simply sat beside him, head resting between his arm and neck, hand on his chest as they sat in a comfortable silence. He simply ran his fingers through Y/N’s hair, looking up at the ceiling. He felt a sudden pressure on his form, looking down to see his little sibling fast asleep, little snores escaping they’re lips. He simply smiled, kissing they’re head as he sighed.
“This city gave me fucking asthma,” he began, letting his gaze rest on Y/N’s sleeping form. He smiled into they’re hair, sighing in content with a smile across his face.
“Although i know you’ll always be there to cure it.”
a/n: first fic pog!! :D i fucking adore platonic reader! or anything family related, and as your friendly tumblr neighborhood wilbur soot simp, i thought this would be a nice drabble to do before i go to bed lol.
masterlist’s will be posted soon!! its just taking awhile because i have school and other things. I will most likely get them done by Thursday of this week though!!
(also tumblr quit hiding my fucking posts in the tags i will CRY)
#dream smp#mcyt x reader#dream smp x reader#mcyt imagine#wilbur soot x reader#wilbur soot imagine#wilbur imagine#wilbur x reader#wilbur x y/n#mcyt fanfiction#wilbur soot fanfiction#wilbur fanfiction#writers on tumblr#dreamer posts ♠️#tumblr please do not fucking hide this i will CRY.
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The Big Read – Lewis Capaldi: “I make jokes because I’m comfortable with who I am”
The breakout star of 2019, Lewis Capaldi has the midas touch and the world at his feet – but he still likes talking about his pubes and dreams of meeting a girl who'll break his heart for real. NME Deputy Editor Dan Stubbs meets the cocksure 23-year-old in Dublin for a Buckfast sesh and quickly discovers a legitimately hilarious talent who's far from the “big fucking annoying cunt” he thinks he is.
Lewis Capaldi is miming a range of sporting activities. He bounces an invisible basketball around the stage. He boots an imaginary football into the crowd. And after some minutes of this, he poses with an imaginary dart in his hand. Every time he mimes pulling back to throw it, he changes his mind and walks over to take a sip of Guinness instead – to the delight of the crowd. When he finally throws the thing, they roar with approval, before goading him into downing the rest of his pint. And of course: he does.
It’s November 21 at the Olympia Theatre, Dublin. So far Capaldi has spent 10 minutes playing three songs and 15 minutes doing what, in the most affectionate terms, can only be described as dicking about. It shouldn’t be this funny to watch, but it really is. And the price of witnessing this spectacle? Depends when you got your tickets. A tout offered to take NME’s off our hands for €500 outside the venue.
A year ago this may have sounded like madness, a sign that the world was heading to hell in a handcart and we’d be closing out the decade in a post-apocalyptic new reality, eating boot leather and watching jesters for entertainment. But in 2019, Lewis Capaldi has proved, conclusively, that what the world was waiting for was a pasty-faced, pasty-loving, 23-year-old Scot with an act that’s 50 percent heartbroken balladry and 50 percent improv comedy. And it is a worldwide thing – Capaldi is a global hit, a bona fide phenomenon. A superstar whose first encounter with NME is backstage, hurtling along the corridor clutching a handful of items. “Got my passport, my acid reflux tablets and my water – and that’s all I need!” he says, whizzing past. “And now, I’m off for a small pish.”
When listing Capaldi’s many 2019 achievements, they start to lose meaning, like contemplating distances in space, or making sense of the costings in the Labour manifesto. But here are a few: The Brits’ Critics Choice award. A Number One album with ‘Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent’. A Number One single with ‘Someone You Loved’ in much of Europe, the US and the UK, where it spent seven weeks at the top. The hardest touring artist of the year, playing over 250 shows. A scene-stealing Glastonbury appearance.
If you’re to believe the stories in the Scottish tabloid press, Capaldi’s music can practically cure leprosy. He’s even had a beef with Noel Gallagher, once a mark of honour, but now a tussle with adversary so easily shot down it’s a bit like watching the moment someone first beats their dad in an arm wrestle.
Yesterday brought news that Capaldi been nominated for Best Song at The Grammys, which in early career terms is the equivalent of being up for the Best Actor Oscar for your school production of Macbeth. “I’m up against Billie Eilish, Lady Gaga, Lizzo, H.E.R., Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift…” he says. So he’s in there representing the men? “Yes, at long last!” he jokes. “At long last, straight white men finally have representation.”
“If I’m being honest, I did think ‘Old Town Road’ would be nominated,” he says, being serious now. “Maybe if I win I’ll Kanye myself. ‘This should have gone to ‘Old Town Road’! (But I am going to keep it)…’”
Capaldi is an expert at shrugging off his achievements. His unfaltering humility is a huge part of his appeal but even he concedes it’s starting to seem a bit forced. “When I read my interviews back, I always think if I wasn’t me I’d think: ‘you’re full of shite’,” he says. “Like, stop saying you can’t believe it. You can believe it! But it is so surreal and it seems like almost quarterly it kicks up a notch. Like, yesterday with the Grammys, yet again all this shit’s getting more and more mental, more beyond belief.”
Capaldi watched the Grammy nominations on his laptop, which was resting on his chest with the screen close to his face – a set-up he describes as his “home cinema” – and he admits he did get properly excited at the news. Mostly, though, he tends to find himself reacting to things how he thinks he should.
“I’ve got a very bad way of being like, So you’re supposed to feel this way in this moment,” he says. Like when someone passes away? “Exactly, yeah. Like, four months after my grandma passed away, I’m like, ‘Fuck, my grandma’s died,’ and I’m in Somerfield or something. I mean, not in Somerfield, because it’s not been open for fucking years.”
Capaldi even plays down the success of ‘Someone You Loved’, the song that scored him the Grammy nod. In his eyes, it’s just “one of my songs that’s doing a little bit better than the rest”, but it’s already become a popular standard to sit alongside Robbie Williams’s ‘Angels’ or Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’, one of those tracks that will be soundtracking marriages and burials for years to come. Which of those would he prefer it be used for? “Burials,” he says, with no hesitation. “Don’t start falling in love to my fucking music, right? See if I see people kissing at my shows, fucking stop that! These are sad songs, you bastards.”
Like Lewis himself, a large part of the charm of ‘Someone You Loved’ is its absolute universality, which is not to say it’s banal, more that everyone who has lost someone at some point in their lives – which is most of us – can identify with it. For Lewis, it was the aforementioned loss of his grandmother that proved the catalyst for the song, but he made it more open to romantic interpretation because it felt “too morbid” to write explicitly about.
And it didn’t come easily. Where other songwriters boast about dashing off huge hits in barely the time it takes to play them, Capaldi admits to labouring over his compositions. Writing songs, he says, is “a massive pain in the fucking arse sometimes”.
“Growing up I read interviews with people like Paul Weller, Paul McCartney – all the Pauls – and they’d say the best songs just sort of fall in your lap,” he says. “After six months at the piano writing ‘Someone You Loved’ I’m like, ‘You fucking lying bastards, that’s taken me fucking ages.’”
Many of Capaldi’s songs, which he endearingly describes as ranging from “big piano ballads to bigger piano ballads” draw on his first major relationship which – you may have guessed – is no longer a going concern. But it wasn’t a dramatic event. “Adele wrote her album about a relationship breaking up in a bad way, being jilted I think,” he says. “I wrote mine about a relationship that just ended, just fizzled out. I’d love to be jilted by someone, then I could be as successful as Adele.”
I ask if he worries that – at 23 – he doesn’t have a great deal of life experience to draw on. “I spent my entire life writing this first album,” he says, “but the stuff I’ve experienced in the last year has been much more of a growing experience than living in my mum and dad’s house in fucking West Lothian.”
How about the fact that his next girlfriend, whoever she may be, will be on different terms, it being impossible for her not to know she’s dating Lewis Capaldi the world famous pop star? “Well, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m Justin Bieber,” he says. “Today was the first time I’ve ever got out of the car at a venue and someone screamed. Normally people just shout something at me that I’ve said on Instagram about my pubes. I guess, at worst, my next partner would think I’m one way because they’ll hear the songs and think I seem very nice and level headed, but then find out I’m not.”
What’s the reality?
“Big fucking annoying cunt.”
It’s slightly unfair to question the depth of Capaldi’s life experience, because at the age most of us were familiarising ourselves with yo-yos, pogs or fidget spinners (delete as appropriate), Lewis was embarking on his music career. He began performing at 11, largely in pubs and clubs in the conurbation between Glasgow and Edinburgh where he grew up. The experience of having to hold his own in intimidating spaces at such a young age probably explains much about his easiness around people.
“I found that at 11 it was, ‘Oh he’s quite cute, he came and stood up here and he’s doing very well.’ When I got to 14, 15 and my voice changed and I lost any remnants of cuteness – which as you can tell have not returned to me – that’s when I started to pick up a bit of the patter. You get to know your way about how to speak to people.”
Around that time, Capaldi actively worked on changing his vocal style to something more like the wolfy howl we hear today. What was once a ”high and smooth” voice had broken. Inspired by Paolo Nutini and Joe Cocker, Capaldi added some gravel. “I thought it would be a good idea to put a bit of rasp in, to make it sound even more terrible,” he says.
For years we’ve been force-fed sensitive young men-next-door with beanie hats, beards or lumberjack shirts singing to us about their problems. In a quest for authenticity, they’ve presented themselves as troubled, serious souls. Capaldi, meanwhile, has given us the sensitive songs with a side order of toilet humour and the kind of prolific, creative swearing worthy of The Thick Of It‘s Malcolm Tucker, as played by his distant cousin Peter Capaldi.
Stand-up comedians often make a point of referring to the most funny-looking thing about themselves as an icebreaker with the audience, a way of getting them on side. Capaldi has the same trick – there’s not a single thing about his looks or his music you could say that he hasn’t beaten you to. Try and come up something better than saying he looks like “a melting hippo”, we dare you.
He has zero pretence – he’s a guy who can literally piss himself on stage and laugh it off. “That only happened once,” he says. “And I’ve always been like that, even back in school. If I was meeting someone for the first time I’d be like, ‘Hello, how are you? I’ve got diarrhoea and I could spew or I could blow at any moment. It puts me at ease, being honest.’”
“People think I make jokes because I’m uncomfortable,” he adds. “Actually, it’s the opposite – I make jokes because I’m comfortable with who I am. I say that I’m a chubby bastard because I am a chubby bastard.”
I put it to him that, possibly, he may be the first body-positive male icon – an important thing given Capaldi is part of a generation of young men who feel under enormous pressure to have an Insta-chiselled body. “I don’t know if I can accept that, because I probably don’t use the correct vernacular,” he says. “It’s probably not good to call yourself a chubby cunt, but it’s never been something that’s bothered me. I’ve been a very slim man, I’ve been a man who’s gone to the gym, but even when I’ve done that someone calls you fat anyway, whether it’s your ma, your da, your best pal.”
Capaldi hasn’t, as of yet, had any sort of pop star makeover. He still looks like a kid who’s moved out of home for the first time and is stacking up the washing to take to mum’s. He does, however, have a personal trainer on tour and has been exercising every day. “It’s more of a mental health thing,” he says. “It gives me energy and keeps me happy. I mean, when I’m actually doing it I fucking hate it so much, but it feels better after.”
I ask how his mental health is bearing up to his new everyday reality, an extraordinary experience for anyone to process. “That’s what I think about taking the piss out of things,” he says. “I take the piss out of doing things on stage and how mental it is because you have to, because it stops you getting caught up in it. Summer last year I started having massive panic attacks. I was supposed to do Austin City Limits but I had to cancel because I was just having panic attack after panic attack, and I thought I had something seriously wrong with me, because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. And I went and got a fucking MRI scan. But they said I was just anxious, just recalibrating to this new fucking lifestyle. So I said, right, cancel everything for three weeks, and no one gave me any shit for it.”
At showtime, the atmosphere at tonight’s gig offers a glimpse of the bubble Capaldi is living in these days. The Olympia is a grand old theatre and Capaldi could probably have sold it out 50 times over; the reaction from the crowd is something like Lewmania.
Afterwards, we head backstage again, where I’m ushered into a room containing about a dozen members of Capaldi’s family. I’m plonked on a chair right in the middle, handed a massive wine glass full of Buckfast by his cousin and grilled by his dad, a fishmonger and the very driest of wits, about my intentions for this article. He’s seriously proud of his boy, having supported him since the very beginning, even playing the supportive parent role when Lewis auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent aged 12.
The afterparty moves to a private room at a nearby pub. Lewis’s hulking great cousin – the one who brought the Buckfast – is getting the shots in. His auntie is looking on, concerned, as two girls chat him up at the same time. “He’s only a wee one,” she mutters. While his friends and family enjoy the party and a certain NME journalist accidentally smashes the first of a series of glasses, feeling the effects of downing that Buckfast in an ill-advised attempt to curry favour with the family, Lewis makes his final rounds then politely excuses himself, looking a bit hangdog about it. He has another big show tomorrow. Sad to leave your own party, you imagine.
At points in the interview, Capaldi had been making a short, forced coughing noise, which he shrugged off as nothing. But the next week, he cancels a number of shows on health grounds, having been warned by his doctor that he risks losing his voice altogether if he doesn’t take action. In the end, he plays just four more gigs of the UK leg of the tour – in London, Edinburgh and twice in Glasgow for the homecoming finale. All further activities are cancelled by management, including a follow-up NME interview, but he is sent to complete the year’s touring commitments in the States before heading home for a well-earned few days celebrating Christmas with his family, which he says typically involves plenty of booze and lots of piss-taking. If you think you’re feeling ready for the break today, spare a thought for Lewis.
Next year looks to be just as busy as this one. He is, right now, just about the most in-demand young man in the world. At some point, he’ll have to start thinking about his next album too. “I don’t know what the fuck it’s going to sound like, I don’t know what the fuck it’s going to be,” he says. “Ballads, havin’-it tunes, I don’t know. I’ve got voice notes, melodies, stuff like that, but that’s just me and an acoustic guitar.”
Considering what he said about his hypochondria, it’s likely the idea of losing his voice is weighing heavily on Capaldi’s mind. But he’s already decided there’s a backlash coming anyway. “You do get warned, as you’re coming up: ‘By the way, everyone’s gonna turn on you pretty soon’,” he says. “I guess I’m always just kind of waiting for it. I’m very doomsday. Like, if it’s not happened yet, it’s gonna come. And I can’t wait for the downfall!”
He might be surprised. People have plenty of different reactions to Capaldi’s music, but it’s pretty much impossible to find someone who doesn’t think he seems like a bloody great bloke.
And besides – if he ever finds he can’t sing, he’d make a killing at The Fringe as a physical comic.
The extended edition of ‘Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent’ is out now
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