#this scene was decades worth of therapy
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ARC REVIEW: Charlotte and The Seductive Spymaster by Grace Callaway
4.75/5. Releases 1/11/2024.
Vibes: Mr. and Mrs. Smith without the enemies part, twisty-turny marriage in trouble, ridiculously hot ~games~, and a balance of angst and fun
Lady Charlotte Fayne has put together the perfect team of operatives--her Angels--and has watched each one find love. Charlie, however, keeps her heart guarded--still stuck on the husband who betrayed her before dying twelve years ago. But just as a new, charming man begins to tempt her, Charlie's lost love comes back from the dead. And he's not at all the man she thought he was--he just might be better.
I love this series. Victorian Charlie's Angels with ridiculously hot sex is a perfect concept, and Charlie was always the kind of distant, rational mentor waiting in the wings as each of the Angels went on their adventures. Making her story a marriage in trouble take--with, like, a lot of twists--adds a sense of messy drama and humanity and yes, angst. But it remains a ton of fun, with the adventure, heat and sly humor I've come to expect from a Grace Callaway book. This one has my heart!
Quick Takes:
--One thing that stood out to me here was how different Charlie read, compared to a lot of Callaway heroines I've experienced before. She's older, more experienced, and has been through the wringer--and you can tell. I feel like a lot of writers would dial back the things that make Charlie, Charlie in order to put her at a girlish disadvantage, vulnerable to her hero. Not so here, thank God. She doesn't suddenly become an ingenue. Instead, she remains this smart, hypercompetent woman in her thirties... But with the added dimension of a weakness: this husband she thought she'd lost.
And that brings me to another reason why I loved Charlie. In so many ways, she is the smartest, most put together person in any room. But when it comes to Sebastian? Dude, she's spinning. Not in the sense that she makes a fool of herself. So often, she remains composed. In several scenes, she takes the lead with him, outplays him, throws him for a loop. But Sebastian knows a side of Charlie that nobody else does. He's occupied this hidden corner of her heart she's tucked away for over a decade, and she's done the same with him. This is a romance about two people who are absolutely on the same level--and are completely undone by each other.
--That said, I really, really adored Sebastian. He's playful, snarky, and extremely seductive... but underneath, there is a wealth of wounds and guilt. Which, I mean--catnip. He clearly loves Charlie, and he also so clearly believes he's not worthy of her (again, this is a hero type that is absolutely carved into my soul). There's an element of "I left to protect you", which is a bit more conventional; but really, his choices are much more rooted in this deep lack of self-worth, which he covers up with all the charm. My boy needs therapy.
But again, he's not a moper. He's remarkably effective--just as competent as Charlie. And he's rather hilariously possessive. Like, yes, he's been pretending to be dead for twelve years, but that doesn't mean a man is going to just SIT THERE while another guy KISSES! HIS! WIFE! If you're a "MY WIFE" reader, then you're going to love him. This dude was this close to braining a man he'd never met in his life with a rock because he was getting too close to Charlie. He's also exceptionally, obsessively devoted. (There was one choice Grace made regarding what Charlie and Sebastian had gotten up to during their time apart that I really appreciated, and it's a tough balance for romance readers.)
Honestly, it's kind of rare that I like both halves of a romance couple to the same degree. But Charlie and her man are just so passionately well-matched, and so passionate about each other, that you can't really resist them. They're MEANT to be together, and it's abundantly clear throughout the novel.
--Grace Callaway writes mystery plots in a way that I actually understand, which is kind of a feat, as I often focus so hard on the romance that my brain has little time for mystery. This was no different. I found the adventure fun and engaging, and there was so much to enjoy about like... Charlie infiltrating sex parties, and Charlie and Sebastian GETTING STUCK IN A CAVE TOGETHER. (Y'all know what happens in caves. A bit of a Ravished tribute, maybe? Though, uh... They didn't do all THAT shit in Ravished.)
And the thing is, Grace did an amazing job of balancing the sense of adventure and humor with the angst in this book. Because yes, there is a lot of angst, it's inherent to the plot. There's also a really interesting thread that I was kind of nervous about initially--but it's pulled off with thought and sensitivity here, and ultimately really appreciated it. However, the book never feels overwhelming or overly dark because there's so much fun and sparkle through the rest of it.
--In a lot of ways, this one is about falling in love with someone you thought you were in love with before... But were you, if you didn't really know them? At least on Charlie's side. And that's a big challenge in a book, but it's done so well. She has to really come to terms with what she knew about Sebastian before and what she knows now, and trust in the reality of his feelings for her.
Although--it's a lot easier to trust in those feelings when a guy is being as absolutely swoonworthy and adoring as this one. This is DEVOTED hero, and his desperation for her just wrenches itself off the page at every moment. You get the longing, you get the agony, you get the desire. I mean, it's a Grace Callaway book. You get the desire HARD. Speaking of...
The Sex:
Ugh, this book is hot. Super hot. Hot hot hot. It's one of those stories where they're arguing and snapping at each other one minute and making out the next, which is what I personally adore. And there's such an interplay of power dynamics? Charlie does a bit of light domming in one scene, but at the end of the day, girl is very dominant in her everyday life and very submissive in the bedroom. Fortunately, her hero is a man who deeply Gets That and... more than rises to the occasion.
You get it all here. There's some erotic eating (I really love a story in which cream is applied to male anatomy); there's really effective usage of a riding crop on our hero (please God authors write more books in which heroes get whipped and lashed and such); there's a GAME they both play in which they get rewards and punishments. And lest you feel too sorry about Charlie spending twelve years without him--she took care of herself. In fact, Sebastian gets to see exactly how she took care of herself. Another dear authors note: please include sex toys in more romances in general, but especially more historicals. Also, Sebastian's absolute DELIGHT in Charlie having them was great. He's such a great hero.
I had high expectations for this one, and it absolutely met them. It's always so pleasing to read a book that goes where it needs to go on every level. I find Grace to be a really consistent author, and I'm so excited about her next series... though... I mean.... I wouldn't be mad if someone from this one got a book, or at least a novella. Everyone deserves love, right?
Thanks so much to Grace Callaway for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
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Barbie Movie Spoilers
As a big fan of Matchbox Twenty, I was shocked when Push came on in the car as "Ken's new favorite song," both because *thats my favorite band* but also, this song is totally out of context. To my even greater surprise, it wasn't just that one-off bit in the car, ohhh my god that beach scene
*insert currently nonexistent gif of the Kens singing at the Barbies here*
I've been actively a fan of Matchbox 20/Rob Thomas for more than a decade now, but I've been talking about it way more in recent weeks what with the album release and tour, so I was sat there in the theater like, "My friends are going to see this and be like, this is that one band *** is obsessed with" and I did not know what to feel about that 😂
My brother and I discussed this after the movie, wondering what the process was for choosing that song and getting permission to use it...and The Algorithm came through for me today by presenting me with an article all about it!
“Push” was co-written by the band’s frontman, Rob Thomas, who sings about an emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend. In the context of “Barbie,” it’s an ingenious choice for the fragile Ken, who feels adrift in Barbie’s orbit and vengefully embraces toxic masculinity.
Confidently misinterpreting a song and then making it an anthem actually makes so much sense with Ken's patriarchy 👏
When I got the call for “Barbie,” they told me, “Ken’s by the fireside, he’s playing the song and it’s his favorite band.” So I did this thinking I’d be the butt of the joke, and I was fine with that. I’m pretty thick-skinned.
Reading what Rob Thomas had to say about the song and its use in this movie makes me enjoy it 10x more. And the bits of backstory on the creation of Push make the article well worth the minute or two it takes to read (here's a little snippet)
I wrote that song about someone I had been with who I felt was manipulating me and taking advantage of me. The ‘90s was a time of manufactured angst, and nobody wanted to be a victim in a song. So in a weird twist of different times, there’s something very problematic about “Push,” if it wasn’t for the innocence of how it was written. But everything about it was about emotional manipulation.But at the time I was in my early 20s. I didn’t even know what I was writing about. It takes being in my 50s now, and being married for 24 years, to look back and go, “Oh, man, I was going through some (stuff).” Therapy didn’t seem like an option in the ‘90s, so I was just journaling my feelings and sharing them with the world.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/movies/2023/07/23/matchbox-twenty-ryan-gosling-ken-push-cover-barbie-movie/70433729007/
#so thats my rambles about that for now lmao#what kinda fanblogger would i be if i didn't address this#anyway#mb20#barbie#barbie movie#matchbox twenty#rob thomas
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just finished reading waxing, waning, my unraveled body beheld by the moon (genuinely beautiful title btw) and i want to gnaw at my pillow and cry. i thought mc's pov in onset was heart-wrenching but nah, aven's just gutted me like a fish. so many details to pick and point out but in fear of losing my sanity, i shall compress all that desire to say that it's magnificent and a masterpiece. gotta admit i was scared of scrolling bcs i didn't want the fic to end but alas, the last line was marvelous. and so are the composition in which the scenes transition from one another. i stuck around since destroyed onset and honestly, even if you don't write about aventurine anymore, i'll still stick around bcs why not. your writing can be so macabre & grim yet so light-hearted and surreal like two sides of a coin - i like it. thank you, thank you for writing and sharing it.
also, unsure if you listen to this type of music in particular, but i thought it's worth-noting that strangers by ethel cain was playing through my head the entire time i was reading it. do bear in mind that the song referenced the association of love (?) with cannibalism, although vaguely. it's deranged and fittingly, it reminded me of these (points a shaking finger at onset!mc & aven) two sillies who've lost it. may they both get therapy, amen; ratio, where art thou during these dire times.
ikr for once my horrible naming sense does not haunt me
gotta admit i was scared of scrolling bcs i didn't want the fic to end but alas, the last line was marvelous
O.O 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 Anon, you didn't need to go for my heart like that (ty tho; I am genuinely proud to have elicited that sort of feeling from you. few pieces of media leave me wishing it wouldn't end, and all of them which have have a rather special place in my heart. alas, all good things do have to come to an end; should one stubbornly cling onto something, then you risk its stagnating death. ....still, even with that said, there are still plenty of things I don't want to end, lol. pls continue making fire emblem)
your writing can be so macabre & grim yet so light-hearted and surreal like two sides of a coin - i like it
Anon, you are a vicious archer, hitting my heart with cupid's arrow. Very delighted you enjoy my style! I admit, I still don't feel like I a solid grasp upon it, but like. I've got six decades of life left or something. writing's a lifelong journey, so I ain't gonna go tear my heart out over anything, lol. I would elaborate more on my writing itself here, but there's a slew questions someone very sweet has left in their reblog, which include my writing process. And this is a meaty ask, and it would only be right to give a thorough answer in turn, yes? (most of which is right below that read more!)
(spoilers for waning moon below. waning moon is my placeholder until I decide there's a better way to shorten it rofl)
DUDE WRITING AVENTURINE POV AT TIMES WAS.....*sobs* my beautiful babygirl......
honestly the composition was a bit of struggle just bc of...how much I wanted to stuff into this fic. i generally have a really bad habit of starting a project and then seeing it explode in my face with words. Destroyed Onset was originally written, and I naively thought it'd be a mere 6k. It's 10.5k. AND THIS FIC WAS MEANT TO BE SHORTER THAN THAT. I didn't really have a proper outline going into this, since I was thinking of only accomplishing these things:
aven and reader's first meeting...someone it became 2k words. tbh, what else did I expect when I chose to listen to the always sunny theme for writing it.
an interlude scene that would become the balcony choking scene. it's A LOT different from how it ended up; originally I intended to tackle a sort of 'love and hate are two sides of the same coin' approach, and so the scene was just going to be aven coming home to see that reader fell asleep on the couch. and he admires them, for a little while, until something comes over him and they wake up to a lesson on how it feels to be choked! yippe for education! they've hit ratio's quota with that one *gets chalked*
ahem I'm awake now. sorry. that piece of chalk had me out like a light for awhile
in any case...the circumstances around the choking and the emotions involved ended up a lot more different than I expected
aven pov of onset's ending + waxing's current ending scene (but ofc it's MUCH longer than it was originally)
another scene. i won't divulge too much since I'm thinking of reusing it somewhere else, but it would've been where the tower metaphor introduced in the first scene hit its climax
In total, it was four scenes, plus maybe another more comedic one if I felt it fit. But as you can see...woof, I deviated HARD. but hey, I ended up cooking one hell of a feast, so I think it's still a W. in the realm of fanfic there's no need to reign myself in---well, as in reign myself to the confines of an assignment. if you drag on or stuff a piece with too much stuff, it can really make the reader experience suffer. i enjoy a good ol 35k word oneshot as much as the next person, but it's a LOT. but yeah. i did rearrange and scrap some scenes to make the transitions work; in the end it did not blow up in my face, and I'm taking that win with me to the grave.
strangers by ethel cain was playing through my head the entire time i was reading it
I don't really keep up with music and artists, so most of what I listen to is VGM, anime ops, with a few other songs I listened to when I was a kid, lol. i gave strangers a listen, and you are so RIGHT. it fits this series perfectly...right down to cannibalism as a metaphor for destructive love, rofl. and the calm yet eerie sort of tone/singing fits reader so well, especially when they've gone insane. at first, it's sort of a 'inevitability,' and then when they've met that 'inevitability,' there is only a sweet (and perhaps fleeting) calming yet brutal bliss.
personally, while writing this, i mostly listened to:
the always sunny theme for the first scene, because it needed some good sitcom energy in my opinion (the good place theme would've worked too, but the always sunny theme is so cocky and sarcastic and a classic in this internet age of ours)
theme of laura from sh2 (which is a WONDERFUL song in general. if you haven't listened to it, go listen to it!!!! it was the song that singlehandedly convinced me to play sh2. baby's first horror game and maybe it'll be your first too)
the sh2 soundtrack is honestly my go to whenever I need to put myself in a creepy, scary, tense vibe
ESPECIALLY lurking in the fog; hands down my fav of the ost, along side white noiz/mirrored guilt, nurse piper, mary's twin, and ashes and tears.
and who can forget rondo across countless kalpas. do I even need to explain. no. i don't. this song is what singlehandly drove me through the first fic ALONE. it's on repeat in my head constantly. such beautiful animation and music and the imagery....any yan hsr writer should keep this in their back pocket for when they need to brainstorm a brain worm, in my humble opinion
jkjadkdjfajlfajd this was an uber long reply but I love talking as you can tell. honestly the tags on my posts are walking biohazards. they can get sooooooooo long at times.
anyways, thanks you sending in an ask! hope you have a lovely day, week, month, year, decade, and life :)
#speckled blabbers#speckled answers#destroyed onset#waning moon#idk if i should make that a tag yet but I'll just tag it now to keep it in my backpocket just in case#probably not#but ig it could make navigation slightly easier?
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PART IV of my super long aotd thoughts (and prayers) commentary/analysis extravanganza🤪
warning: spoilers. repetition of words/expressions hehe. badly written (english is not my first language lol). looong text. curse words. biased opinions because this is my blog and i get to do with it as i please.
previously: part I | part II | part III
this is the last part!!!
smacking fiesta!: they made a fire for Murderface awww my fucking HEART. i love that this movie insists on making a point that people should take responsibility but not victimize themselves. case in point: yes Nathan fucked up when he wrote the wrong song (tho again, that was actually part of the prophecy) because he decided to surrender to hatred, sadness and overall give up on his responsibilities. it’s great to see him take the blame(?) however yeah, Pickles did good at reminding him that this is no time for him to drown in self-pity and doubt himself. making a mistake is NOT equal to being an incapable person. Nathan should not doubt his own skills, quite the opposite, this is the time for him to believe in himself, trust his bandmates and push forward. also yes after season 4 and a portion of this movie, i admit it’s cool to see Pickles taking out his stress on Nathan lmao. on the other hand WOW??? why does Nathan Explosion fall from a slap, that must’ve a hell of a smack. the little “quit hitting me :(“ was cute aksjdhas. Murderface feeling better and thanking the guys is so precios he’s so baby in this scene. and i love that this is actually not the first time Skwistokface have felt weird when Pickles and Nathan fight like a married couple (throwback to Writersklok) and that’s so CUTE. he says “should we get going?” to the guitarists while Pickles does a shock therapy on Nathan or something and ugh they’re such a family. i again absolutely love that Magnus is in the notebook. it means so much to me that Nathan straight up says he’d want for Magnus to come back, somehow, so they could fix their friendship. it makes the suicide so much more tragic and it made me very sad but that makes the message much more powerful. forgiving and apologizing, taking responsability and knowing your own worth are central to the message of the movie and i really really like it. someone pointed out thath “i’m just a gear in the wheel of the clock” is the very first line of mtl and i’m happy Brendon brought it back to close this story. and for fans like me, that spent over a decade loving this show is beautiful to hear this once again while Nathan Explosion himself discovers the true meaning of it.
mommy on the wheel: ok yeah i love Pickles bla bla bla i think he’s very very cool in this scene. Pickles is my favorite, Rehabklok and Skyhunter are one of my favorite episodes/songs so seeing him drive again WHILE SOBER is so so important to me you don’t even know. and yes the line “Toki be a good boy and bring mommy his scotch” rearranged the chemicals in my brain tysm Brendon Small, i’m officially insane.
plugging-in: YES EDGAR JOMFRU SWEEP!!! i’m sooo happy he’s back and is central to this section of the movie. he’s a very important character so i’m happy we get to see him interact with Dethklok in such a cool sequence and i’m also thankful that he threw a sandwich to Crozier. it was deserved. the plug-in sequence is very cool visually AND thematically, seeing the guys fly and be at the center of such a complicated operation is cool, i’m a fan. we also get more exposition, i LOVE that only here the guys Finally remember the dethlights and start to comprehend their place in the prophecy. i’d love more of this (dethklok realizing the true reach of their powers) because it’s a very short scene, but well, you can’t have it all. when Nathan slips and falls off the wing(?) and Pickles screams “Oh no, Nathan!” yeah, Nickles wins once again. usually i’m not a fan of scenes where the characters start giving a speech in the middle of an action scene but it’s cool here. for all we know Nathan must be constantly thinking he will die at any time so it’s valid for him to want to get sincere and cheesy. also yes it’s so so important for me (and for Pickles) when Nathan finally confesses to have never had anything with Abigail. i like that he was honest and vulnerable not because of himself but because the others deserved to know. he also recognizes it wouldn’t have been right and that’s some good shit. the entire message to Abigail, “wherever you are in this world (…)” was so heartwarming. i do think Nathan and Abigail could have been a great couple (especifically after Nathan’s character development, not before) and this line is the basis of that. he realizes that showing appreciation is not limited to fucking someone and then jump to a relationship. he respects her and that will stay that way even if they never connect on a romantic level, and i adore that. on a personal note: as an aro, this scene made me cry. Nathan recognizing how much someone can mean to you and at the same time letting them go/not ending up with them is a message i can connect with to a personal level. wanting them to be happy as you are ready to part ways and focus on yourself (when Nathan says “i’ll grow stronger”) is a beautiful message. AND (yes sorry this section is practically me projectiong and making everything personal) THE LINE “because i’ll always have my relationship with music” IS ALSO SO IMPORTANT TO MEEE. i too sometimes feel like i can connect more with music than with people and to hear Nathan Explosion say that made me feel so validated, so accompanied.
gay elevator: EVERYONE say thank you Edgar for bringing back Toki’s teddy bear. say it or else. if your homie grabs your shoulder, looks into your eyes and calls you mommy, that’s a flirting i’m sorry i don’t make the rules. and i don’t care what anyone says “i’ll see you on stage” is code for “i love you so so much” case CLOSED. “this one’s for Knubbler” HELL YEAH IT IS !!! wasted opportunity to give them the armor in this scene oh well. wasted opportunity to have Toki speak in norwegian here or something since they are in Norway but ok. SOS being both a distress signal to the fans and an acronym for Song Of Salvation is GENIUS. Crozier+Edgar was not in my bingo cards but oh boy i am so happy to see it.
fuck you and your beard old man: Nathan Explosion is the man of my dreams. he’s so fearless and so smart and so so beautiful i will kill a god for him i don’t care. also yeah fuck you Salacia don’t talk to him like that. Toki a kombucha is not a meal please ajsdhkajshd. Pickles ordering for Nathan is so CUTE !!! those are soulmates right there UGHHH. and Pickles looking at him so fondly while Nathan ponders the idea of marrying his drummer right then and there??? wow THAT’S just…wow. i keep winning. when Nathan tells them “i think we’re going to die” and their reactions it was both hilarious and sad. they really are just some: dudes. they’ve faced dead before but here they are, freaking out in a jail cell together. i love them so much FUCK. missed opportunity for another band hug. dethklok in handcuffs walking in the snow is a great visual hear me out. also dethklok crucified in a spinning death-disk is such an amazing concept too. Nathan repeating The Gears to himself is so IMPORTANT TO MEEE. watch me doing the same everytime i have to face an important decision/task. the people with the masks look hella cool too. Nathan has the biggest brain ever! and he’s so so brave and strong i LOVE HIM !!! i love how he sacrificed himself mirroring the countless klokateers’ deaths throughout the show: ready to serve a bigger purpose. Pickles touching his face and turning to see the guys with a worried look is UGH. Edgar Jomfru will be missed, he was such a badass and he singlehandedly did so much for dethklok and humanity. Skwisgaar putting his hand on a distressed Toki saved my life yup yup.
Salacia is a dorito: fuckkk stop killing the fans dude. THE DETHLIGHTS!!! now that’s an epic meet and greet with your favorite band. GO INTO THE WATER SONG OF THE CENTURYYY and my favorite song to listen at the beach. the WHALE IS BACKKK!!! i’m so happy with that ending, the fact that dethklok, as powerful as they are, were NOT gods after all and were only there to help the whale is a concept i’ll never get over. so so so damn cool. we get to see how fucked up it is for the boys when the powers leave them and it’s so uncool and unglamorous i can help but love it!!! Skwisgaar my man i love him so much he really has been in Toki’s arms for ¾ of this movie he’s living the dream. and yesss that teddy bear is stronger than Salacia, we love an immortal legend. the ending sequence is cute. is short and very cheesy but i love it. it’s a love letter for the fans in universe and irl. i am so so happy. WE are the army of the doomstar. i love that when Nathan starts speaking with his heart he CAN’T STOP. he’s so sweet i love him. and CHARLES LOOKS SO GOOD IN THAT LAST SHOT I WANT TO LOOK AFTER HIM AND CURE HIS WOUNDS AND KISS HIS FOREHEAD. and yup the movie is over and i’m hyperventilating and shakingand crying.
I love this movie so much it makes me look insane. but yeah. this is the end of my super long aotd extravaganza. thank you so so much for reading to the very end. sorry this took so long. kisses on the forehead for everyone who saw this movie and enjoyed it as much as i did. take care and have a great day. bye bye!
#long text sorry!#clade's aotd thoughts and prayers#clade talks#army of the doomstar#metalocalypse#aotd spoilers#army of the doomstar spoilers
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Between Us Pontification - Episode 10
Ok, ya girl has had a little bit of time to sleep and rewatch Episode 10.
(Am I still miffed, yes. To the ends of the earth.) And here are my thoughts...there are a lot.
However, I think it's important (and other tumblrs have likened to this already) to keep in mind that our beautiful idiots, so full of love that they throw at others, leaving nothing for themselves, do not know how to ask for what they need; What they want and also believe that they deserve it.
Team is dealing with basically a decade of untreated survival guilt and in some ways is afraid that his love for Win is a projection simply because Win is good to him and makes him feel wanted, precious, and loved. Especially when his Aunt still grieves (and also needs some damn therapy) and probably has made way too many comments about what could have been her son's life. Team is living for two people, not even content to do it, but as a kind of forced repentance for something we all know is not his fault. And his self-loathing is manifesting as insecurity, low esteem when it comes to worth, and pushing Win away to stop himself from loving any harder, deeper, or truly in fear of loss and disappointment. But with Win, he needs certainty, clearest of day level clarity of how their relationship is defined.
And then there is Win. Sweet little competent middle child king. As someone who is also the 2nd sibling, I am painfully aware of how much pressure, expectations, and loneliness is wrapped up in it. How the only way to remain sane is to be useful and self-sufficient. Wiew is baby but a fiercely loyal one (as he should be, I love that precious nugget), and Waan is crumbling under the suffocating role he is being forced to play by his crappy workaholic father who has lost the plot in more ways than one. He needs to give that man a raise and a 3-week long vacation (with Tul there to just smile at him and play video games) and stop yelling so damn much. These three need a hug, a nap, and a break. But I digress.
Back to Win, he is a giver. Hyperindividualism manifested as the kind mediator, the soft but strong protector. He sends out all the love he never gets to keep for himself and doesn't expect anyone to stick around. He has crafted this self-fulfilling prophecy and doesn't hold tightly to anyone. Waan has even mentioned to him that his kindness could turn into something that hurts him and the ones we love, which is what we end up seeing in Episode 10. Because with Win, what he needs is someone who looks at him and tells him that he is loved not for what he provides but for just being him. Someone who wants to refill the empty cup he has been pouring from.
This is a story about reciprocation and fear of abandonment. A song of isolation and anxiety.
The confession scene for many of us was not what we wanted because we have the sweetness in UWMA that we know is on the horizon. Death by a thousand cuts, is what we are getting. But the point of Between Us is to show the complete road of how our boys with horny hearts of gold go from being in two very different types of emotional exile to a supportive and loving relationship. And I would be remiss if I didn't remind myself and others that this is their FIRST serious relationship. These boys have little to no previous experience with big feelings and taking that leap and hoping the one they love is jumping with them and simultaneously catching them at the same time.
Its a terrifying and heartwrenching saga to go through in the best of scenarios and there is so much hurt, unsureness, and need to be wrapped up and it can be scary if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop while, in tandem, praying for it not to. And in a way, both Win and Team need this kind of tension and to be forced to make solid steps forward.
Unfortunately, Win must have a moment of fear, of being confronted by the consequences of the cavalier nature he has curated. His coolness, the aloof cat-like humility that makes him so darn unattainable. He has to be vulnerable instead of hesitating and testing the waters again. He must cannonball into the depth. And Team, in direct parallel and in some ways opposition, must learn to accept that he is loved and is worthy of love. To not be afraid of being too much, of burdening someone he finds important with his affection, of handing over his feelings and feeling the reciprocation. He must trust that someone swimming with him isn't going to end in pain and loss again.
And that brings us to the emotional rollercoaster at the end of Episode 10. This is called the Black Moment or the Defining Moment when we look literarily at this story arc. Internal conflict must be confronted and we all must accept that we are gonna get a whole lot of big feelings in the last two episodes.
Have faith, intrepid travelers, and keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
#between us#between us ep10#between us spoilers#win x team#dandy demi rambles#what i do with my degree in creative writing and philosophy
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i do not have the energy to make a proper reccomendation post right now but
GO READ GO READ GO READ
(tw for: violence, nudity, gay sex, beautiful beautiful art, beautiful beautiful people, long haired man, obsessions and indulgences, rich boys doing whatever the fuck they want)
"Sergio Black has a lot to be proud of- he’s intelligent, skilled with machinery, and he’s huge. He’s also been fighting violent intrusive for decades. Arnaldo de Reyes has a solution- a radical exposure therapy regimen that requires Sergio enter an underground fighting ring against people who’ve enhanced their bodies to get an edge up on their opponents."
i really really really like this comic. i love the characters im so intrigued by EVERYTHING thats happening and i have a million questions that i can't wait to get answered. this comic has barely explained everything but still makes perfect sense. it keeps intrigue and tension while maintaining clarity. also the sex scenes are 1. hot 2. extremely important driving plot elements 3. really, really, really well written.
please go check it out!!!! its worth your time!!!!!!
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30th anniversary of 'Heaven & Earth'
30 years ago, we were in Thailand making Oliver Stone's most poetic film. And I recently reunited with my movie family for a rescreening of "Heaven & Earth," part of his Vietnam War trilogy.
Thuan Le Elston | USA TODAY
Oliver Stone's holding an open casting call for his third Vietnam War movie, this time from the perspective of the Vietnamese people.
I was a young reporter at the Los Angeles Times' Orange County bureau in the early 1990s, and part of my job was to monitor the Vietnamese-language press in Little Saigon, a major cultural and commercial community of refugees spread out over several cities. And one day, Oliver's announcement was on the front page of Nguoi Viet daily newspaper.
The article said the Academy Award-winning director and screenwriter of "Platoon," "Wall Street" and "Born on the Fourth of July" had already held open auditions in Asia and Europe and in other American cities, but the final casting call would be in Little Saigon. I knew I'd cover it for The Times, but the biggest question on my mind was: Did Oliver Stone already have a screenplay for this first ever Hollywood movie from the Vietnamese perspective? Because I wanted to help him write it.
Spoiler alert: I didn't help Oliver write "Heaven & Earth." But along with many other Vietnamese non-actors, I was cast for the movie. I had 15 minutes' worth of speaking scenes throughout the film, sharing lines with Debbie Reynolds and Tommy Lee Jones – and Joan Chen and Haing Ngor, who played my parents. I was Kim, a sister to the main character in this major motion picture that not only educated me about my past but also gained me a movie family for my future.
30th anniversary of 'Heaven & Earth'
It was three decades ago that we were all in Thailand making Oliver's most poetic film, one with the heart of a Buddhist feminist. (Communist Vietnam was still closed back then and objected to many things in the script.) And Sunday, we reunited in Los Angeles for a rescreening of "Heaven & Earth," which premiered on Christmas Day in 1993.
Oliver based his movie on "When Heaven and Earth Changed Places" and "Child of War, Woman of Peace" – the memoirs of Le Ly Hayslip. Le Ly was a child of Central Vietnam who, because her village was caught between communist North Vietnam and the Washington-backed South Vietnam, became a teenage Viet Cong guerilla, a reformed entrepreneur and then an immigrant to America.
Her journey is not for the faint of heart: She suffered rape by fellow VC guerillas, torture in a South Vietnamese military prison and then the suicide of her U.S. military veteran husband in Southern California.
Now a grandmother living in San Diego, Le Ly remains one of the strongest and most determined women I know. With no formal education, she has published two memoirs that were made into a Hollywood movie and founded the nonprofit Global Village Foundation. In fact, right before our movie reunion in L.A., she was back in Central Vietnam bringing aid and supplies to flood victims.
So no, Oliver didn't need me to help write anything; he had Le Ly. But in Little Saigon in December 1991, I covered the open casting call and brought along my best friend, a budding model and actor.
Mass therapy session on Vietnam War
The event drew thousands to a huge hall, where they started lining up outside at 7 a.m. Inside, mini film crews had set up cameras to screen test the Vietnamese Americans. No script was handed out. Instead, the war refugees were asked to improvise from their own experiences: You're a mother who has to send your son to war. You're a father trying to protect your daughter. Your family is divided over Ho Chi Minh.
It turned out to be a massive therapy session for 12 hours. It's as if these Vietnamese Americans, so used to trying to bury the past to have a future, were all at once given permission to relive their nightmares, pains and secrets. Everyone just wanted to tell their stories. And cry. Everyone cried. The crews doing the screen tests sobbed behind cameras and had to take breaks between auditions.
So many people were waiting in line, the casting directors asked my childhood friend Tran Tran and I to help audition our fellow refugees. I played a daughter, a mother, a sister to anyone who needed me. I didn't have any nightmares to relive: I was only 8 when my family escaped the fall of Saigon in 1975; the pains and secrets belonged to my parents. But those survivors auditioning for the movie were so real, their memories so alive, it was easy to help improvise their scenes.
At the end of that emotionally exhausting day, Tran got her screen test for the main role, Le Ly. I played the bitter older sister who threw her out of my house.
One thing we learned later was that Warner Bros. didn't want to make a film with subtitles, which three decades ago was still a big no for American audiences. The actors Oliver chose had to be able to be understood in English. Tran and I, both born in Vietnam but grew up in Phoenix, were confident of our American sides.
Surprise: The casting directors called me back but not my friend, who, yes, remains my friend (and in fact came with me to the movie reunion last weekend, as you'll see in clicking through the photo gallery below).
Oscar winner for screenwriting
At one of my audition callbacks, I was finally given Oliver's screenplay – and was blown away by what a lyrical writer he is and understood why he won an Oscar for writing "Midnight Express."
Reading "Heaven & Earth" made me cry. At a time when Asians in general, let alone Vietnamese Americans, almost never saw our true selves represented on the Hollywood screen, Oliver was amplifying the story of a small village girl who should have remained invisible to history. But Le Ly refused to stay invisible, and Oliver recognized that kindred spirit.
In the summer of 1992, the call finally came: My last audition was my first meeting with Oliver at his office, where he had me read lines with him for Kim, one of Le Ly's older sisters who grew from rice farmer to bar girl to San Diego housewife.
Whatever I did worked. Oliver smiled and told me I got the part: "You're my Kim."
We hugged, shook hands, maybe – I was so excited I really don't remember what happened after hearing those words.
By early October, I was on a jet to Thailand, where I worked on the movie until Christmas break.
Reliving terror of war, bonding as movie family
As I later wrote for The Times in an essay headlined "Scenes From Another Lifetime":
On leave from The Times, I spent 2 1/2 months in Thailand, where not only did I and the other non-actors in the movie learn acting on the job, but I also saw close up the realities of a conflict I never knew personally. In character, we stood knee deep in the mud of rice paddies and cowered while American helicopters barking bullets interrupted our work; ran to a neighbor’s house to witness his killing by the Viet Cong; and argued with each other about how to deal with the violence. ...
All of this played havoc on my psyche. Day and night, I moved between the past and the present, war and peace, old enemies and new friends. No longer could I separate myself from the people and events I had known only intellectually.
As strangers who met only because we're supposed to portray a family on screen, you can't go through long, harrowing days on set without bonding. And we filmed in rural southwestern Thailand – Phang Nga, a 90-minute drive outside the touristy Phuket Island. Every night, the cast shared trauma and entertained each other over family meals. On the rare days we had off together, we played tourists.
A vivid memory for me is an afternoon by the hotel pool: Our movie father Haing Ngor, who had won a best supporting actor Oscar for "The Killing Fields" in 1985, also had written a memoir about his escape from the communist Khmer Rouge, who forced the gynecologist and obstetrician underground, where he worked as a doctor at the risk of his own life. As he and other cast members chatted and relaxed, I read "Haing Ngor: A Cambodian Odyssey" and asked, "How are you still alive?"
We learned from one another yet also got bored together. Our movie mother Joan Chen, star of "The Last Emperor" and "Twin Peaks" and now a director herself, admitted once to being scared of ghosts. As easygoing as Joan was, I'm not sure she ever forgave my prank of making spirit noises outside her door with my movie brother Dustin Nguyen, who had starred in "21 Jump Street" and who now acts in and directs episodes of "Warrior."
Reunion of 'Heaven & Earth' family
Last weekend was about the fifth time the "Heaven & Earth" family reunited after three decades. Tragically, our reunions have drawn fewer of us over time because of distance and death:
Haing survived Cambodia's Khmer Rouge only to die in a senseless shooting outside his Los Angeles home in 1996.
Costume designer Ha Nguyen, nominated for an Oscar for "The Mask," died of cancer in 2012.
Hiep Le, our leading actress who starred as Le Ly, passed away in 2017 from complications of stomach cancer.
Watching "Heaven & Earth" again on the big screen Sunday in Los Angeles with both my Hollywood family and my real family, I remembered how generous my movie idols were in their interactions with us non-actors: Tommy Lee Jones, playing my movie sister's husband, made sure I was comfortable in our one-on-one scene. Debbie Reynolds shared her insecurities over her Hollywood career.
But watching scenes with my movie father Haing Ngor and my movie baby sister Hiep Le, I had to close my eyes. It hurt too much. I missed them so much. No amount of wishing could bring them back.
What comforted me and stuck with me still is how our movie family feels like a real family after all these years. We've suffered together. We've survived together. We've partied together.
And just like in the beginning, Le Ly and Oliver have been there at each reunion. They're both our heaven and earth.
-Thuan Le Elston, "'You're my Kim': How I landed a Hollywood movie and a scene with Tommy Lee Jones," USA Today, Nov 18 2022 [x]
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hey, pretty stranger - k.walker x c.howard (birthday week day three two)
summary - Cassie meets Kit while she’s in Boston for the day, hoping to stay out of trouble with Maddy for at least 12 hours. And he restores her faith in men. To some extent… Also, Julia ice skates for the sake of storyline reasons and it’s something she and Cassie can bond over.
words - circa 2.3k
tags - language, fluff, mentions of violence, mentions of somebody wanting to murder someone else, daisies, one bed though neither sleep in the bed. half headcanons half descriptive writing, it’s the best i got right now.
notes - an imagine rather than a full blown oneshot. my first euphoria fic, please be nice! also, i don’t like cassie but i also don’t hate her. girlie just wants to be loved, man. these lines —— those ones, yeah, they’re the headcanon parts. also just realised asylum and euphoria were filmed a decade apart! damn…
giving credit where credit is due - divider credit goes to @bleedingthroughteeth and their meeting scene was inspired by this post by @mrs-march-ahs, i hope that’s okay lovey… and credit to rue bennett for being an amazing narrator who i basically stole her dialogue for the first paragraph :O
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It was her kryptonite; somebody who showed her any sort of attention or affection at first glance. Cassie Howard fell in love with every guy she ever dated, and that was known by everybody at East Highland Highschool when she went there and all over town. Whether these boys were smart or stupid, sweet or cruel, loving or cold, it didn’t matter. None of that mattered when Cassie was in a relationship, and she held onto the label of being somebody’s girlfriend like her life depended on it. She just never liked being alone. But that is what was wrong; they were boys, not men. And she was treated like a fucking whore. Cassie needed a gentleman to sweep her off her feet…
She should have known better, though, but who could blame her for wanting perfect love? But after being fucked over by too many people, she began to lose hope, taking to the internet to make herself feel like she was wanted. Therapy was suggested to her, but Cassie, she didn’t want to go. She thought she could figure her shit out on her own.
So when she travelled to Boston to get out of town and to do some retail therapy for her car, the only therapy she thought was worth being a thing, she wasn’t expecting anything to happen, at all. Normally, Cassie would be the one to make reckless, bad decisions when she got lost in her problems, but this time, she might have actually saved her own fucked up life.
She found herself wandering around random stores, in search of something to take her mind off all the shit happening back at home, and she found it, or rather, him. In a car sales place down the street from the mall, the last store she went into, hoping to pick up some new pieces for her car while she was in Boston for the day instead of waiting any longer and her car potentially exploding. Just like her relationships.
He was bent down behind the counter, doing something; Cassie couldn’t really tell what, but that didn’t matter. She leaned against one of the shelving units, watching the man clean up, running his fingers through his brunette hair to get it out of his way while he cleaned. He began to slowly look up, his brown eyes meeting hers, and she turned around quickly, inspecting the… empty shelf… hoping to go unnoticed by the man. She heard him chuckle slightly, before going straight back to work.
He grinned at her as he kept cleaning, and she smiled weakly, not turning to look back at him. Fuck no, she felt her heart begin to flutter faster at the sight of him and his goddamn smile. She couldn’t let herself fall for someone again, no, she’d break. And he hadn’t even said two words to her.
She flinched when she felt a strong hand tap her on the shoulder, spinning around to shove whoever it was onto the ground, almost knocking down one of the shelving units. Not just the products, the entire damn thing.
“Hey, didn’t mean to startle ya, Miss!” The man apologised profusely, holding his hands up as he got to his feet, picking up a blue steering wheel cover that fell to the ground with him.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Cassie began helping him pick up the other items that had fallen to the ground. He brushed himself down after the fall, telling Cassie there’s no need to apologise and it was in self defence.
Cassie blinked at him in confusion, he wasn’t mad at her for pushing him? Or even looking at him the wrong way? What kind of sorcery...?
“You’re… You’re not mad at me for pushing you to the ground? I literally assaulted you and you’re fine with that? What the fuck—?!” She began shouting, only to stop herself mid sentence. “Sorry…” she sighed. “Bad day.”
He lifted his head to meet her eyes, mahogany meeting the ocean, the windows into each other’s souls; one broken and wanting to be loved and one wanting to give their all to somebody. The man watched as Cassie’s pupils began to dilate ever so slightly, and he was on the verge of heading into a deep trance he’d never want to ever leave before she looked away, glancing at the ground.
“Of course I’m not mad at ya,” he said, while putting a container of screws back up on the top shelf, his shirt lifting up a little, revealing soft, pale skin. “Always nice to see a woman able to protect herself. Wouldn’t wanna get in a fight with ya anytime soon,” he chuckled. God, just wait until he meets Maddy… If he ever does, hopefully not, for Cassie’s sake.
—— Cassie gave Kit a weak smile and apologised once more, and they parted ways. A few minutes later Cassie heads up to the till and pays for her stuff but Kit stops her, telling her again that it was alright. Cassie said she should do something for him to make up for it and so Kit asked her to ask him on a date, basically. So she did.
—— They went to a nearby park after Kit locked the store up for lunchtime, and Kit brought his ‘emergency date kit’ with him; A blanket and some snacks that he kept out the back of the store. (Snacks that go missing whenever his kids are around and when he’s not looking, hmm…)
—— Enough about kids for right now! Kit made Cassie a daisy flower crown, smoothing Cassie’s hair down before placing it on her head. He let his hand linger on her cheek and smiled at her, and her breath caught in her chest. Never had she thought that a man with some fucking respect would be so much more hot than ones who did not.
Cassie caught herself nervously giggling, as did Kit, and after their nervous laughter died down a little he asked her, “Can I kiss you, Cassie?” And she nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
His lips gently hovered at hers as he leaned in, his nervous, shaky breath ghosting over her lips before he brushed his lips against them, pressing them against hers in a soft, sweet kiss. It was only two seconds or so but it was the best two seconds of Kit’s entire year, five years, eternity maybe? He hoped to God she wouldn’t leave him.
Cassie’s chest bursted with butterflies and she was just as happy as the day her dad got her her first pair of ice skates when he could afford lessons. When he kissed her it felt like she was floating on cloud nine itself, or taking a long stroll on the beach by herself with the wind fluttering through her hair and the sound of the calm ocean being the only sound to hear for miles.
As they both pulled away, the moment was ruined by Cassie’s phone pinging with a text telling her to not come home as shit was going down and Maddy would kill Cassie if she got within ten feet of her.
—— Kit noticed Cassie beginning to get upset and offered her a place to stay at his place for the night after she briefly explained the best she could through her sobs and tears.
—— She was a bit hesitant at first but felt a sense of trust with Kit, so he drove her there in his car, which smells like cedarwood and pine, where she meets the lesbian ICON, Lana Winters, who is just the absolute sweetest to Cassie. Lana was on her way out the door to collect Thomas from his friend’s house and Julia from her ice skating lessons.
—— Kit told Cassie he has kids but that if they make her uncomfortable he’ll ask Lana to take them out for a while or that they can sleep over in their friends’ houses. Cassie said to him that no it’s fine, but she doesn’t want to be around kids after having to get an abortion after McKay forced her to, but she won’t kick them out of their own house to be comfortable. After all, she doesn’t even live there.
—— Cassie obviously didn’t have pyjamas so Kit lent her one of his t-shirts. Kit slept on the couch and Cassie slept in his bed (not wanting to argue with Kit over sleeping arrangements), until memories from home came flooding back to her and so she went into the living room and asked Kit if she could have a hug, he obviously said yes and pulled her into his loving arms.
Kit looked down into her glassy, tear-filled eyes, her lips shaking as she tried to speak, but she couldn’t.
“Cassie…?”
Cassie choked on her tears, now streaming down her face, and Kit listened carefully as she tried to speak. “Nobody’s… Nobody’s ever been this nice to me before… K-Kit…”
Kit used his thumb to run under her eyes, collecting the fallen tears, stroking the side of her face with his knuckles. He then pulled her into a cuddle and could feel her melting in his touch, her poor battered and bruised body shaking as she sobbed violently into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kit.”
“There is absolutely no need to be sorry, suga’ plum. You’ve done nothing wrong,” he cooed, running his hand down her hair repeatedly, and swayed the both of them, twisting slightly both ways. “And even if something happened, you know you can always talk to me. I’m here, suga’, I’m here.”
Kit’s swaying eventually lulled Cassie to a calm, and the sweet nothings he whispered in her ear made her tear up inside even more. Why is he being so nice to me?; was one of the thoughts circling her mind in that moment. And she fully melted into the embrace, their bodies moulding perfectly together as if they had been made for each other, warmth radiating around them like a force field to keep out all the bad things and future events.
— He unwrapped Cassie from the embrace for a brief few seconds to move some of the pillows off the sofa. He lay with his back against the sofa board and scooted up against the back so there would be room for Cassie to lie in his arms.
— After lying down, Kit kissed her temple so soft it could have been imaginary, just barely touching her skin but touching enough to make her melt in his arms.
He brushed her blonde hair out of her face, leaving small kisses where her hair once lay at her temples. The smell of sandalwood mixed with his soft breathing put her to sleep almost instantly, and her dreams after that were filled with nothing but happiness, and the nice memories. All of the nice, happy things.
She didn’t mean to fall asleep next to him but she couldn’t help it, Kit was just so… calming, refreshing, and a hope that there were actually good guys out there. (You picked well this time, kid <3 )
Cassie awoke the next morning to quiet talking in the kitchen, though it was loud enough for her to hear and to wake her up from her slumber. She was surprised to find out that Kit didn’t want to use her for sex, in fact he too hated men AND women who used people for sex. Okay, feminist, okay! Instead, he said, “I just want somebody to love, y’know?”
“Someone like Cassie, you mean?” Lana chuckled. “From what you’ve been saying I think she’s a lovely woman. She’ll be good for you, Kit.”
“I already like her, Lana. ‘N I don’t wanna end up pushing her away or her thinkin’ I’m some freak ‘cause I’m a single dad of two kids. Beautiful kids at that, but I don’t know how she’ll be around ‘em and I don’t know how they’ll be ‘round her.”
Cassie felt very conflicted and confused by all this, she thought all men were assholes. At least the ones she had relationships with… Pretty much.
She stretched her arms, yawning as she got up, after having one of the best sleeps in a long time. She stood up and ran her hands through her hair to smooth it down, making her way into where she heard Kit and Lana talking.
Kit smiled when Cassie entered the kitchen in his shirt, she looked beautiful, like a goddess to him, saying that he hopes she’s hungry because he made fruit salad with help from Julia… While Lana watched Thomas practising football in the backyard from the kitchen table.
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After breakfast, Kit noticed Cassie beginning to sniffle, the bad memories flooding back into her mind again, disturbing her peace, so he led her out of the kitchen and up to his bedroom for some privacy. She asked him to stay with her a while and in an instant she was wrapped up into a bundle in his arms once again, breathing in his distinct scent of sandalwood and the strawberries from breakfast.
Cassie sighed, sitting up in the bed, tears slowly filling her still glassy eyes. “I’m gonna get called a slut when I get home… When they all find out I was at another man’s house” she sniffled, wiping her blotchy face with the back of her hand, blinking back her tears.
Kit’s hold around her tightened, and he pressed a sweet, soft kiss to her forehead. “If anyone calls ya anything other than a beautiful angel, imma beat them up, okay? Nobody is allowed to talk to ya that way.”
“But I—”
“Cassie,” he said, much more sternly this time. “Ya don’t deserve to be called a slut, you are not one, okay? And I will keep telling you that ‘till ya believe me. Even if it takes months, years, eternity, I’ll keep on telling ya that you're not a slut. Don’t let anyone tell ya that ya are, alright?”
She sniffled again, nodding with a sad smile. What did I do to deserve such a beautiful soul like Kit?, she thought to herself. Even more so at his next words; “And you can stay up here ‘s long as ya like. I’ve only got one bed but we could make it work. If ya want?”
“God, Kit,” she sighed, the small smile on her face growing and the tears rushing to escape her eyes. “Why are you so nice?”
“What can I say? Kindness costs nothing, ‘suga. And whoever those people are… we can forget them right now, ‘kay? Just us two right now, hm?”
“Just us,” she repeated back to him, and fell back into his embrace, never wanting to leave his arms for the rest of eternity.
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taglist - @sympathyforher, @xxlangdon, @unlivingdreams my lovelies <3
wanna be added? dm, comment or ask to let me know :)
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#kit is a feminist and you canNOT tell me otherwise#cassie howard#kit walker#euphoria#american horror story: asylum#ahs asylum#kit walker fanfiction#cassie howard fanfic#kit walker x cassie howard#tate’s birthday week fanfic writing marathon thing#ahs x euphoria#ooc cassie???#think i got kitten bang on though
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What ‘Ted Lasso’ gets right about resistance to therapy, according to a therapist
By Erin Qualey
Sep. 10, 2021 6 AM PT
The following contains spoilers from Friday’s episode of “Ted Lasso,” “Man City.” (Originally posted here.)
Wherever you go, there you are.
In my work as a therapist, this is a concept my clients and I often explore. No matter how far or fast you run from your troubles, the one thing you absolutely cannot escape is yourself. Wherever you go? There you are. It’s a saying that Ted Lasso himself would surely love.
In the first season of the Apple TV+ series “Ted Lasso,” Ted (Jason Sudeikis) travels across an ocean to coach a professional football team with zero experience. He’s an aw-shucks Kansan with a can-do attitude, and his perpetual positivity proves infectious to almost everyone he meets. Although “Ted Lasso” is a comedy, Ted’s tortured inner life has been hinted at from the start — in the form of conflict with his ex-wife and a panic attack he experienced late in Season 1, triggered by a karaoke version of “Let It Go” from “Frozen.” For Ted, the song served as a crushing yet temporary reminder that he was putting off the inevitable. It’s only in Season 2, the adjustment to a new life and job complete, that Ted has been left to sit with his feelings — and realize he might not be able to outrun himself after all.
Enter Dr. Sharon Fieldstone (Sarah Niles), sports psychologist, whose presence clearly rattled Ted. Niles imbues Dr. Sharon with an even keel and disciplined temperament: Whether she’s engaging with a client or observing the team at practice, her active body language and ever-searching eye movements indicate that Dr. Sharon strives to treat each moment at her job with the utmost care and seriousness. She sets personal boundaries but also knows when to head out for a drink with the team after a particularly needed win.
It’s the addition of the enigmatic Dr. Sharon that catalyzes the central action of Season 2 — which, though it’s received criticism for a lack of dramatic momentum, has been laying a trail of biscuit crumbs to Friday’s game-changing “Man City.”
Ted’s insistence that life has infinite happy endings already bordered on toxic positivity, and it catapults over that line into maladaptive behavior in Season 2. As Ted starts to strain against the weight of the trauma he carries, he shifts into near-manic mode. The pressure to be himself — a man who consistently puts others’ needs above his own — finally becomes too great, and he experiences a debilitating panic attack in the middle of a crucial match. In a striking scene, Dr. Sharon finds Ted curled up in her darkened office, finally asking for help.
Therapy is all about sitting with and processing uncomfortable emotions in a safe space. Unfortunately, much of Ted’s ethos runs completely counter to this idea. His “be a goldfish” saying and his staunch belief in “rom-communism” both center on selective amnesia of the negative and overemphasis on the positive. But Ted has another mantra: “bird by bird.” Originating in the book of the same name by Anne Lamott, the term connotes perseverance and patience: It means to take things one step at a time until a daunting task is completed. So when Ted finally decides to engage in therapy with Dr. Sharon, he’s determined to not give up. And, wouldn’t you know, there’s a bird involved.
When Ted finally sits down for his first session with Dr. Sharon, he is a mess. He spies a bobbing drinking bird and taps it. The bird, much like Ted, can say only “yes.” But in a powerful moment, Ted begins to gently oppose the bird, shaking his head “no” as he watches the toy come to a stop. Shortly after, he pops out of his chair and leaves the session. Something similar happens during the second session, but this time he picks a fight with the good doctor before storming out.
The bird is an important visual illustration of the cognitive dissonance Ted is experiencing. He’s programmed himself to use relentless positivity as a coping mechanism, always saying yes to every experience and aiming to please in every interaction. Therapy is an unknown for him, and his fear of uncovering the truth is far greater than his fear of not being liked. So he bolts.
This scene could well have been lifted from many of my sessions over the years. There’s a bit of Ted in every therapy client I’ve ever worked with, and an instinctual pushback to therapy is understandable, given there are deeply entrenched societal stigmas associated with reaching out for help. Asking for help is an act of courage, as therapy can be scary and even at times unpleasant: As Dr. Sharon says, “The truth will set you free, but first it will p— you off.”
It takes a leap of faith to engage in therapy, as it’s a process often filled with challenging emotions. Ambivalence is normal and even expected. “Ted Lasso” delivers a raw and honest portrayal of how — with the right therapist — a person can overcome their fears and begin to pursue a more hopeful path. (It’s worth noting here that Ted represents the best-case scenario for someone seeking therapy. He has a quality therapist who has time for him, is conveniently located and is presumably free of charge. In real life, availability, location and cost are major barriers that can prevent people from even getting in the door.)
Still, though Ted is staying for the duration of his sessions with Dr. Sharon at this point, he’s not actually doing the work. So she tries a different angle: Following a traumatic accident on her bike in “Man City,” she worries she’ll be too scared to do one of her favorite activities going forward — and shares these feelings with Ted, using self-disclosure to model behavior for her client. When she’s vulnerable and honest about her emotions, it gives Ted the license to do the same.
A day later, Ted witnesses an altercation between Jamie Tartt (Phil Dunster) and his abusive father, and it triggers a reaction. It’s easy to imagine the old Ted swallowing his own feelings and trying to smooth the situation over, but that’s not what happens. Instead, he races outside, calls Dr. Sharon, and tearfully confesses to her that his father took his own life when Ted was 16. And Ted Lasso — both the character and the series — has fully earned this moment, as we’ve witnessed absolutely every step that has led up to his breakthrough.
For a show such as “Ted Lasso” to depict the initial stages of therapy with such care and nuance is an act of generosity. Just as Dr. Sharon modeled desirable behavior for Ted, the series successfully modeled a very real experience that can and does hold people back from finding the support they need. Perhaps Ted will eventually be the catalyst for many of the people in his orbit — looking at you, Nate, Rebecca and Jamie — to seek out time with the doctor as well.
Qualey is a licensed therapist specializing in addiction and trauma with more than a decade of experience in the field. She also works as a freelance writer, often focusing on the intersections among mental health, addiction and pop culture.
#ted lasso#ted lasso meta#therapy#psychology#the original article is locked#so i just wanted somewhere i could link people#cause it's very good
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Sometimes I get this prickly feeling of what I can only describe as over-exposure? Like, someone who knows me or knew me is poking at my life, checking my socials available to them, probably reading this blog, questioning my actions or intentions. It often makes me want to hide because it's often creepy and indirect.
I spent my youth writing zines, being more open and what I thought was honest about my life, exposing more than I do now. I exposed my heart on paper to strangers. I toured reading zines out loud to crowds.
I went through an abusive marriage and and acrimonious and semi-public divorce in our scene 15+ plus years ago. That's when I found therapy and witchcraft and started valuing my self worth, shoring up my boundaries, gathering myself in, learning to be truly, deeply honest with myself and those around me. It made me feel strong and safe. I felt it gave me a firm foundation to move forward in my life.
In those years I've had maybe, 5 fallouts with people close to me. 2 of those were people I considered best friends, one deeply deeply hurt me in ways that I'm still processing. From what I see, the common thread through all of these is that I took the time to be honest with myself and with the other person and I trusted in those friendships that they would be be honest with me and with themself. The breakdowns have existed in that chasm of my trust. Some of that was my fault due to expectations and maybe not really seeing the boundaries or needs of others.
So, we are at the end of this Mercury retrograde and I get back to this prickly over-exposure feeling and I'm finding evidence. Social media is still such a strange beast to me, a human in my mid-40s. An old friend that I wouldn't mind talking to is watching my insta stories, an old friend that Ian B and I cut out of our lives a decade ago liked 2 very old insta photos, and now I just got a message from someone who almost ruined my life and my business 10 years ago saying they have a lot to apologize for.
The thing is my my ego is a sucker for people telling me I was right. I love a good deep sincere apology, but my bullshit detector is strong. I need an apology on my terms not the terms of the person apologizing. I need to be shown they understand the harm caused and that they genuinely are working to no hurt me or anyone else that way again.
So, we'll see how this goes.
#Apologies#Are you sorry?#Why are you sorry?#I literally wrote a song about what an apology is and is not#R I don't miss you or L or Z or B#J I miss you but we never really had a falling out#S I miss you deeply and crave closure but you will never answer my questions#D I'm indifferent#Other J I think you are a terrible and irredeemable person you left a trail of others behind you
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a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm
[ for my fellow fledgling drarry stans! the drama list is here and, well.
like i didn’t initially intend to go off in the mini-reviews beneath every rec but it’s just that you can't nOT yell about drarry as classic literary foils!! also it’s my dumb sideblog so i decided there are no rules and i get to be annoying about good writing.
but rly, the whole premise of the drarry pairing is shaped by this genre and if the ~serious world of serious published writers~ weren’t absolute cowards, they would admit that drama fic authors have contributed more to the genre than the average shit you can find at your local chain bookstore. so that's that on thAT.
& if you love a fic here, don't forget to follow the authors, leave kudos & comments on their work, send them nice msgs bc they do all this shit for free xoxo ]
part 2: dramas
mood: for when I need emotional catharsis and maybe 7 hours to sob/brood about loneliness, the cost of love, & the perpetual fear of being truly known
includes: angst, hurt/comfort, reconciliation fics. it’s cruelty o’clock folks and someone is about to say/do something Fucked Up that they can’t take back. but don’t worry!! there will be a Reckoning feat. hamlet-worthy monologues, ugly truths, unbridled rage, trauma, insecurity, and just a fuck ton of tears!! but maybe even tender apologies and mended things.
(Un)wanted by @aibidil - 36k - E
| Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected. | --- can a fic be tender and unflinching at the same time? bc this story strikes that balance rly well and for a piece about unwantedness, it is incredibly humanizing. ginny holding her own, draco being gentle but not letting harry play victim, hermione calling harry “hazzah” and just the way this friendship insists on the validity of found families even when harry is spiraling?? and you’re forced to consider that no one has the monopoly on fucked-upness and that doesn’t absolve us of the ways we hurt each other but it means that everyone has the same potential to be better after being broken. goD JUST READ IT, OKAY.
Blood Magic, the series by @houseofhebrideanblacks and @thestralsofspinnersend 335k - E
“Later that night. . .Draco wondered at the depths of magic, its breadth and scope. The ways in which life pervades and eludes death, the ways in which they endure all manners of small and large deaths within their lives.” -- if you don't read any other fic on this list, i hope you read this series bc holy shit it’s breathtaking. harry’s a recovering addict, draco’s recovering from abuse, and in a cottage within the forbidden forest begins an unlikely partnership as the boys take up the tedious work of healing. there are thestrals and everyone's in therapy. there are whole chapters of cottagecore drarry. it's a beautiful exploration of how we bare the immensity of loss against the miracles of birth and regrowth.
Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia - 18k - T
“A ship in a full sail, a ship in a state of decay, a ship that had been rebuilt, slightly different. A repeating cycle. “What makes the ship the same?” asked Harry. “I don’t know. There must be something in it that lasts across the changes.” -- DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS QUOTE LIVES RENT FREE IN MY SAD, SAD BRAIN. DO YOU KNOW HOW I LOSE SLEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHIP OF THESEUS. it’s a memory loss fic and everything is so unFAIR. you want to murder harry sometimes bc he’s such a shiT and you suffer through the ways he questions desire, penance, redemption, true love. and by the end, you want to believe in those golden slumber lyrics: “once, there was a way to get back home”
Yours to Keep by @dracoismytrashson - 135k - E
i love the university setting, i love getting to see harry and draco’s first forays into a real LGBTQ community, the class and race structures outside of the wizarding world. i love that this is the context in which they’re allowed to confront the shittiness of PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. as they come together and fall apart against each other’s traumas. it makes the ending feel earned af. “Baby, we’ve been easing into it for a decade.” -- my god this line
Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered - 153k - T
this fic is devastating. like, completely forget whatever reticence you might have towards a de-aging fic and read this. the de-aging premise allows the author to cut through the ways harry and draco hold each other at a distance and you end up with these stunning moments of clarity where they’re truly seeing each other for the first time. and suddenly everything makes sense. i won't spoil it here but there’s a scene towards the end where harry is talking to hermione and ron about realizing the first time he felt what its like to be loved and I fucking SOBBED. an all-time fave fic about learning how to belong.
Had To Be You by @lettersbyelise - 59k - E
a genuinely excellent slow burn about absolute fucking morons who refuse to express their mutual love over the course of literal years?? HOW MANY TENDER MEET-CUTES DO 2 GAY IDIOTS EVEN NEED. a car ride a bookshop a street corner -- when harry met sally is my enemy. but you know what? this fic is masterfully written, it’s an epic tale of unexpected friendships and the inability to say the things we feel. also its very much also a soft boi fic if not for the Major Fuck Up that pushes it into drama territory for me. so worth the turmoil tbh.
Hurricane by phrynne - 120k - E
auror partners terrified of love. it’s a fic about walls - where the emotional landscape of this fic is occluded by dishonest words so you feel the tension play out in hollow voices, shuttered looks, emptied eyes. it’s like watching two ppl get flayed alive in slow motion and everything is SHIT for a little. it’s mean, it’s ugly, it doesn’t let you give the characters an out when they’re being cruel - to each other and to themselves. but harry and draco are two violent forces hurling toward each other’s walls and the inevitable reckoning comes and it’s so very worth the ending. the hospital bed scene to rule all hospital bed scenes.
Returning Tides by @zigster-ao3 - E
“Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives”
--those fuCKing ian curtis lyrics in the summary!! p a i n. why do i put myself through getting-back-together fics knowing full well i’m gonna be Sad As Hell during the not-together portion of the story?? we are all unfortunately hoes for heartache. anyway this fic is beautiful. draco’s a dad and recently widowed, harry has a thestral reserve, the settings here are stunning. a story about grief and love that lingers.
A Piercing Comfort by @talithan - 44k - T
“There is no objective scorecard. There isn’t anything that a person does that tips the balance from ‘deserving’ to ‘undeserving’, or vice versa. A ‘deserving’ person will not run out of worthiness after a set time of happiness and have to then go about working to deserve it again. And an ‘undeserving’ person does not have to suffer at length before having the opportunity to be ‘deserving’.” -- the heart of this fic. harry’s in therapy, facing depression, and learning how to accept love he doesn’t think he deserves. (also draco is harry’s therapist but yes, that power dynamic is handled ethically-well imo and addressed in the author notes I promise!!).
Borrowing Courage by @xx-thedarklord-xx - 70k - E
|After years of being a Magical Artist and painting for other people, Draco decides it’s time to paint for himself for once. The secrets pile up as he tries to unravel the mystery of his relatives but the only thing he didn’t count on was having to go to Potter of all people for approval.|
--god i love this fic. the thing about drarry here is that they never mean to hurt each other but they do. they do and draco’s trying to do the right thing and he wants so badly for good family but harry’s never rly stopped grieving sirius and it’s this whole unintended mess of festering wounds forced to heal. everyone needs a hug. also ron/blaise pairing and ron+draco’s friendship here is everything!!
Reparations and the sequel, Foundations by Saras_Girl - 320k - E
| Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.| -- incredible. harry and draco’s dynamic as healers, the cast of original characters, the boys learning what it means to trust each other, draco building a rehabilitation center, harry falling in love with him, and “meus fabula est mei ut dico: my story is mine to tell.” i cry
The Ties that Bind by phoenix_writing (not on ao3) - 61k - T
| Upon Andromeda’s death, Harry and Draco are given custody of Teddy. Their lives will never be the same.| -- harry’s got major abandonment issues and he’s just trying to be a good co-parent with draco but everyone is being the woRST and you want to murder them on behalf of harry. but then, the boys learn to listen to each other and god it all becomes so tender. also harry has a gay panic. things are awful but it all works out.
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[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]
#drarry#drarry fic#drarry fic rec#drarry dramas#im so sorry if this got long but also#I have too many Thoughts#all I do is cry over two sad gays#its pain o'clock sweeties#time to Sob about the mortifying ordeal of being Known
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vulnerability. – prologue
Story info:
Pair: Byun Baekhyun x Reader
Rating: +18 for mentions of s*x and violence (future chapters)
Genre: angst, smut
Chapter info:
Release date: 6th May 2021
Word count: 2 653
Warnings: dark thoughts, general angst (in this chapter, it gets lighter later)
Vulnerability Masterlist || Fanfiction Masterlist || Ko-Fi
Taglist:
@shesdreaminginoverdose @mybiasdashboard @marimsun @byuns-asscheeks @multi--kpop--fanfics @vunv @making-me-blush @skittlez-area512
Please, always comment on the newest chapter if you wish to be added to/removed from the taglist. I will be also checking the tags, so if you're shy – feel free to leave a note this way.
Prologue
“What do you need?”
Another question to which, despite your sincere effort, you are unable to find an answer; spoken in a cool, collected tone that makes it no easier to adjust to. You stare blankly at your hands, folded in your lap in a position that was supposed to be modest, but right now – betrays insecurity and uncertainty.
“Do I have to answer?” you ask quietly, struggling to find the right thing to say; your mind gets as blank as your stare, the stress deeming you unable to create a reply.
“Do you want to waste my time? If I ask a question, I expect an answer.” The man taps the surface of the close-by table, a clear message goes through – don’t test my patience. The notebook that he holds on his lap, with his other hand over it, hasn’t been written in for the past few minutes. The two of you are sitting on tall bar chairs, facing each other. You wish the tall table on the side, imitating the bar counter, was actually in between the two of you – maybe you’d feel a bit more secure with this form of a barrier.
You don’t want to waste his time, but you feel like you’re wasting yours right now. It’s as if you were at a job interview that completely didn’t align with what you had expected it to be like. It’s the moment you feel like the interviewer is only asking the questions out of politeness but does not pay much attention to your answers, and you know your case is a lost one. That’s exactly the way you feel right now – as if he’s at this point only tormenting you for the mere fun of it, although it doesn’t look like he has any fun in this at all; his face is stern and ridden of emotions. Terrifying.
“I think I need stability, and safety…” you try to utter something sensible. “But not boredom…”
You feel silly as soon as these words leave you, and, as you expect, they earn no reaction from the man. You soon realize he must have heard such things dozens of times before you – it’s a textbook answer.
“Some of your replies contradict each other” the man suddenly states.
“I didn’t lie” you argue back.
“Maybe not, but I’d recommend therapy.”
You only continue to stare blankly. Such words don’t faze you anymore – partly because you started to grow indifferent to whatever is spoken in this conversation, and partly because you’ve heard these words enough of times, spoken by your family, friends, even classmates or strangers. It’s embarrassing, but you’ve learned to push such thoughts away every time they surfaced; and this time, as well, you knew you wouldn’t think about them anymore as soon as the topic changed.
“Yeah, I know” you mutter, only for the sake of having an answer. You feel bitter; the case is lost for sure, you can tell – what he keeps you here for anymore, you don’t know.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“Uh… No, not really.”
“Is there anything you want to ask me?”
Of course. So many things, so many thoughts that appeared in the anticipation for this meeting. Excitement that slowly died down; you remember the questions you wanted to ask, as well as the ones that emerged during the conversation itself. Yet, you don’t think that any of them are worth being spoken aloud anymore.
“I don’t think so.”
“I see.”
The man reaches for his notebook and writes a word or two inside, then tears the page out; you flinch at that. You can’t tell what’s written on it as he places the piece of paper on the table between the two of you, the clear side upwards, while the text is underneath. You stare at it with new-found curiosity.
“I need to leave for a few minutes. Write your number there, or e-mail address, whichever you prefer. I’ll be back.”
He stands up without asking for your reply and heads towards the bathroom; you only follow him with your stare as he disappears in the crowd – it’s Friday evening, and the bar, The Queen of Spades, is as full as on any typical Friday evening, except there’s an aura of loneliness surrounding you. You’re a bit uncomfortable in the bar chair – you’d rather sit in the leather sofa that’s behind you.
The leather sofa on which you saw Byun Baekhyun for the first time.
* * *
The Queen of Spades was a quite spacious, but not too well known bar that your friend had been promising to take you to thousands of times before a good occasion actually came up – the end of your winter exam session, all exams passed by a miracle. The bar was just fifteen minutes from your house, and you were astonished the moment you entered through the glass doors, feeling as though you went back in time by a few decades. Wooden furniture, warm lights, soft tunes of jazz and RnB – not your vibe, but one that made you fall in love with this place at the first sight.
However, as much as the interiors were dazzling, there was one more thing that caught your attention the most – the man sitting in the corner of the bar, on a leather couch with only the tall counter-like table on the side, probably too tall to reach to, but he wasn’t drinking anyway. He sat with a middle-aged woman, leaning gently into his side, casually and trustfully. The leather collar on her neck did not match her age-accurate attire, and that was exactly what caught your attention in her whole visage.
Whether the pair knew that they’re observed or not, you couldn’t tell – and, in fact, it seemed as though they don’t necessarily care. When the man’s hand found itself on the woman’s leather collar and pulled it backwards tightly, a small scowl on his face, you freaked out; at least until you saw her smile softly, no attempt to struggle, no worry, as her face reddened with the restraint of blood flow that the motion must have caused. Their eyes met. The man’s gaze softened. He released the collar and held her chin in his hands, and soon, they were resting again.
You stared at the scene, mesmerized. But it would be inappropriate to pay it any more attention; yet, you felt intrigued. You wondered what else would you see if you came back to the bar another time.
And, in fact, he was there the second time as well, just as you were with your classmate, trying to listen to her personal stories, but with your glance drifting off to the man’s direction.
He was with a woman, again, but one that could have been around your own age. It confused you, but, without any other cues, you did not want to judge. This one, also, had a collar on her neck – or more like a necklace, made of chain with pearls tied into it, a dainty and girly piece. The man patted her head gently as she rested with her eyes closed, maybe even sleeping. Nothing else happened.
And the third time you went there, alone this time, after a particularly long day at work, hoping to get some of the stress off your shoulders, you sat by the bar alone, and therefore, did not need to worry about annoying the person you were with – you could stare to your heart’s content; at least until someone would notice and find you weird or creepy.
It was a Friday evening again, so you concluded he comes here regularly. Although the bar was quite crowded, no one sat by the table next to the leather couch, probably not wanting to disrupt the pair – two men sitting together now. It did catch you by surprise. This one’s collar was made of silver squares linked together. It looked simple, but elegant. With a little bit of tequila, for once you felt bold enough to shoot the bartender your question.
“Yeah, oh, him? Baekhyun, he’s local. Why? You’re interested? Well, if you really are, he’s not into one night stands.”
Neither were you; you didn’t want to jump into such things abruptly, not at all. You wanted to know more first.
“He’s not into relationships, from what I know. Or more like, his relationships aren’t what they may be to you. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just leave it, there’s other fish in this sea, just look around you.”
But you weren’t interested in other fish; this one spiked your interest and you just needed to know more. Your motive was obvious, and so, the bartender kept talking, taking pleasure in enlightening the silly kid that you were in his eyes.
“Ever heard of BDSM? If yes, then you’ll understand. If no, then leave it be.”
Your first impression, the thought you had in the first moment, was finally confirmed – it was like opening a cake you’ve only seen in the packaging and finding out it looks exactly as the packaging’s shape hinted. You chose this cake because of the shape, and now you feel even more excited about seeing how it tastes. And you did, in fact, truly want to devour it.
“So, you want to get on with him?”
You knew you did. There was no doubt in that. The bartender, who initially seemed persistent in discouraging you, suddenly seemed to enjoy the role of a sort of broker.
“I can set you two up.”
* * *
That’s how your story led you to this particular point; to the dark, old-styled walls of The Queen of Spadesthat you’ve started to memorize well by now, to the table you’ve only observed from afar, to the man whom you also could only look at, until today.
And you feel like the figurative cake is now made of nasty, bitter chocolate, and empty inside.
You glance once again in the direction in which the man disappeared – the bathroom. You probably have a few more minutes to relax. Your gaze lands on the torn piece of paper.
It shouldn’t be an issue if you decided to have a look – right? He left it in front of you, maybe even for this particular reason, for you to check if he hasn’t written anything wrong about you. Whatever is written in there… You can’t think anymore as you whip the paper to the other side.
[F/n], 24, fem. & stud.
available weekends
mentally unstable, possible childhood trauma
sensitive
No lies are detected.
Moreover, you feel as though each statement is awfully accurate; you are sensitive, and the words hurt. You feel reduced to these few random phrases, as if your whole personality consists just of these traits.
Mentally unstable.
Childhood trauma.
Sensitive.
You angrily turn the sheet back over and make sure the number you just wrote is correct, although you’re not so sure if you wantit to be correct. You consider changing it to a wrong one. Or standing up and leaving. You’re angry and frustrated, and lost. Your desperate need for this deal to work out collides with your desperate need to go back to your safe zone; the one in which you can rely on fiction and your own imagination, and where no other person can hurt you. You could just stand up and leave, for sure; who would try to stop you? Do you even have the guts to stay? You feel disrespected; you wish to disappear.
Yet, you don’t find yourself doing any of these things. You sit in your place, staring at the sheet blankly, until familiar steps echo nearby and the man takes his place again. The time for making decision has run out. Byun Baekhyun sits in front of you again, staring at you intensely.
“Did you look?” His tone is accusatory, and a bit angry. Were you not supposed to look, after all…?
“N-no” you instantly reply. Your voice falters, you know you’re not a good liar. But he can’t blame you for something you won’t admit; you’ll leave, and you’ll be safe, he won’t be able to say anything more hurtful anymore.
“I see.”
The lie eats at you; you fiddle nervously as he takes the paper and slowly puts it back in his notebook. He doesn’t look at you while doing so, but you watch him full of nerves. You can’t lie, you never could.
“I-I did” you utter after a moment of silence.
He freezes in spot and you start fearing again; his eyes raise to meet yours, and you don’t dare to reciprocate the gaze. However, you can tell he’s not angry – whether it’s pure disdain or disappointment, you don’t know. But, at the very least, you can tell you won’t be yelled at, and it’s enough to be a relief.
“I’m sorry” you add in a mumble filled with shame. Your gaze lowers even further.
Byun Baekhyun doesn’t say anything about it. He observes you in silence for a while, as if deep in thought, and you don’t know if you’re being judged or analyzed, you do your best not to let your mind drift towards the areas of insecurity and fear.
He puts his things back in the leather bag he carries – the notebook, phone, leather gloves. Seems that the meeting is coming to an end. It’s not even 8 PM.
“Will you find your way home? You need a drive?”
“I live nearby, I’ll be okay.”
“Can I walk you, then?”
“Sure…”
It’s slowly getting dark and you don’t find it in yourself to oppose the offer. More than to run away, you feel an urge to just give in, and you’d rather he yells at you for lying than asks you anymore questions; you’re worn out, both mentally and physically – with your muscles cramping for keeping them tense for so long.
No more words are said, though, there’s no yelling and no accusations. He acts professionally the moment you leave the bar, letting you lead the way and only staying by your side, not too close even, no touch and no words – as if he’s following you rather than accompanying.
Throughout your whole conversation, you didn’t see him smile even once. It pains you. But you slowly come to the conclusion that you haven’t necessarily done anything wrong, and it’s just the way it is.
“Thank you for today” you utter politely. You want to run back into your apartment and be safe again. “And thank you for walking me.” Sorry for wasting your time, too, you also wish to add, but you don’t want to victimize yourself; you don’t want to believe that you’re at fault for it, either – apologizing would be like taking the whole blame upon yourself, and you don’t want to accept that.
“No problem. Thank you for your time. Sleep well.”
He opens the door for you but doesn’t look at you or say anything more. You utter one more small “thank you” and “goodnight” before entering your small apartment again.
The day finally comes to an end and you want nothing more than to rest it off in the bunk bed of your bedroom – the sweet and safe comfort zone that never betrays you, never plays with your feelings, and always welcomes you with its warmth.
* * *
Please, reblog if you enjoyed, it'll help me a bunch!
Author's note: I know it feels a bit sad thus far, but bear with me, it will get better soon!
Next (Chapter 1.)
#exowritersnet#kdiarynet#bbh-net#exosnet#exo baekhyun#exo bbh#bbh x reader#exo#byun baekhyun#bbh#exo fanfiction#baekhyun fanfiction#baekhyun x reader#vg: vulnerability#vg: exo#vg: baekhyun#vg: series
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scandalous star: gary cooper -an analysis
“I don’t like to see exaggerated airs and exploding egos in people who are already established. No player ever rises to prominence solely on talent. They’re molded by forces other than themselves. They should remember this – and at least twice a week drop to their knees and thank Providence for elevating them from cow ranches, dime store ribbon counters and bookkeeping desks. ” - Gary Cooper
He didn’t say much, but when he did, it carried a lot of weight. He was the archetypal hero of the Old West; the quintessential masculine ideal of the stoic and “strong silent type” that most Taurus men are. But for famously laconic Gary Cooper, his good looks and earnest, haunted eyes for decades made him the quintessential lonely American of motion pictures.He was a more equanimous, human protagonist versus boisterous, bigger-than-life Hollywood supermen. He was renowned for his quiet, understated acting style and his individualistic, emotionally restrained, but at times intense screen persona, which was particularly well suited to the many Westerns he made. He was a man’s man...as well as a ladies’ man. Cooper became a hero to many, even as he developed a reputation as one of the most notorious philanderers in Hollywood. Privately a debonair ladykiller with a taste for high society, he crafted an image as just the opposite from his prototype cowboy image he materfully portrayed on the silver screen. He was insatiable, before and during his marriage. How did he reconcile his moral righteousness onscreen (Taurus sun) with his philandering offscreen (Sagittarius moon)? That was the work of the fixers, gossip magazines, and the studio system at large, which ensured that Cooper was never caught, never denounced, and held up as a paragon of American values.
Gary Cooper, according to astrotheme, was a Taurus sun and Sagittarius moon. He was born Frank James Cooper in Helena, Montana, the second son of an English farmer from Bedfordshire, who later became an American lawyer and judge, Charles Henry Cooper (1865-1946), and Kent-born Alice (née Brazier) Cooper (1873-1967). As a child, he met a freed slave woman named Mary Fields, otherwise known as Stagecoach Mary, and so awed by her was she that he later wrote an account of his memories of her in Ebony magazine. His mother hoped for their two sons to receive a better education than that available in Montana and arranged for the boys to attend Dunstable Grammar School in Bedfordshire, England between 1910 and 1913. Upon the outbreak of World War I, Cooper’s mother brought her sons home and enrolled them in a Bozeman, Montana, high school. Upon graduation, he eventually matriculated at Grinnell College in Grinnell, IA, where he attempted to nurture a passion for drawing - until a serious car accident ended his college days in the summer of 1920. He would recover from his severely injured hip through an odd but painful therapy, horseback riding.
When his father retired from the bench and moved his mother to Los Angeles, Cooper gave up agriculture classes to try his hand as a Hollywood extra. Cooper played an extra in a handful of silent films before arriving on the set of The Winning of Barbara Worth in 1926. The actor cast as the second male lead didn’t show, and someone shoved Cooper into the part. He appeared with Clara Bow (who soon became one of his conquests) in her star-making film It, but it was his appearance in another Bow vehicle Wings, released later that same year, truly launched his career. He plays a World War I flying cadet, and although his screentime was still relatively short, there was one scene — an extended close-up shot, the light streaming in from outside — in which he looked gorgeous. In 1929, he filmed The Wolf Song with Lupe Vélez. He soon had an affair with Velez, who purportedly claimed that Cooper “has the biggest organ in Hollywood but not the ass to push it in well.” For more on their relationship, read my star analysis on Lupe.
Cooper filmed The Virginian — his first real “talkie,” and the film was a major hit and cemented the foundation of Cooper’s image. His ability to project elements of his own personality onto the characters he portrayed, to appear natural and authentic in his roles, and to underplay and deliver restrained performances calibrated for the camera and the screen helped make him a cinematic success, often lauded by those he worked with. However, his good looks and charisma made him a success with women, whether he worked with them or not. Over the next few years, Cooper was paired with the most gorgeous and promising female stars in Hollywood —with Carole Lombard in I Take This Woman (whom he slept with), Claudette Colbert in His Woman (whom he allegedly slept with), Marlene Dietrich in Morocco and Desire (who he famously slept with more than once), and Joan Blondell in Make Me a Star (who he allegedly slept with). In 1932, Cooper and his Paramount “rival,” Cary Grant, were cast against Tallulah Bankhead in Devil and the Deep (1932). Like Lupe Velez, Bankhead was a loose cannon, with most famous quote being:
“The only reason I went to Hollywood was to fuck that divine Gary Cooper.”
Amidst all his public and private action, Cooper began courting Veronica “Rocky” Balfe, a starlet who went by the stage name of Sandra Shaw. She was also best known as the blonde dropped by King Kong. The two were wed in late 1933. Balfe retired from the screen to become a wife and mother, with her giving birth to their only child, Maria, in 1937. Cooper portrayed a new type of hero—a champion of the common man—in films like Mr. Deeds Goes To Washington and 1941′s Sergeant York (which won him his first of two Best Actor Oscars). Cooper met Ernest Hemingway at Sun Valley in October 1940 and they were friends for the rest of his life. He co-starred with Ingrid Bergman (with whom he had a year-long affair with) in a the film adaptation of Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls. He kept starring in more films and bedding his female co-stars until he got more than he bargained for when he made The Fountainhead. Naturally, the 47-year-old Cooper had an affair with his co-star, the 21-year-old Patricia Neal. However, this time things got crazy: Neal wound up pregnant with Cooper’s child. He insisted she have an abortion. When Cooper’s long-suffering wife found out about the relationship, she sent a telegram demanding he end it. This didn’t work; he also confessed that he was in love with Neal, and continued to see her. Cooper and his wife legally separated in May of 1951. Cooper’s daughter Maria, by then in her early teens, famously spat on Neal in public. Neal later claimed that Cooper hit her after she went on a date with Kirk Douglas. Neal ended their relationship in late December 1951. Amid all this drama, Cooper starred in what is now regarded as his defining role: the beleaguered sheriff in High Noon, which won him his second Best Actor Oscar. In later life, he became involved in a relationship with the costume designer Irene, and was, according to Irene, "the only man she ever loved".
Maybe all his previous actions had an affect on him because Cooper converted to Catholicism in 1958, and reconciled with his wife and daughter. Also, he began starring in films that centered around searching for redemption, such as Friendly Persuasion (1956) and Man of the West (1958). In 1960, Cooper fell ill with prostate cancer, which quickly spread to his colon, lungs, and bones; he died of it shortly after his 60th birthday in 1961. A year after his death, Irene committed suicide by jumping from the 11th floor of the Knickerbocker Hotel, after telling Doris Day of her grief over Cooper's death. Regardless of his philandering, regardless of the arduous work of his studio’s publicity departments, there was something plaintive, almost childlike, maybe even innocent about Cooper, so he can easily be forgiven his sins. He acted out what mattered to millions of people, and that act made him a star beyond measure.
Next, I’ll focus on his former paramour Lupe Velez’s arch nemesis. A woman who happened to be wife of MGM art director Cedric Gibbons (Gary Cooper’s wife Rocky’s uncle). She was another pioneer of Mexican cinema who was arguably the first Latina to successfully crossover to Anglo audiences: Leo Dolores del Río.
Stats
birthdate: May 7, 1901
major planets:
Sun: Taurus
Moon: Sagittarius
Rising: Taurus
Mercury: Taurus
Venus: Taurus
Mars: Leo
Midheaven: Aquarius
Jupiter: Capricorn
Saturn: Capricorn
Uranus: Sagittarius
Neptune: Gemini
Pluto: Gemini
Overall personality snapshot: He was torn between an instinct to roam free and a determination to find security and make a solid, lasting contribution to the world. As he repeatedly changed horses in search of both ultimate certainties and high-spirited adventure at the same time, he could find himself deeply divided and uncertain. He sought to earth the fire from heaven and put it to work, but he found all too often that it would not let him rest. In his search for stability and security, he became a farmer and was immediately confronted with the changing seasons. He embraced the solid certainties of geology and are hit by an earthquake. He liked to feel the solid earth move. He sought certitude and permanence, yet his endless inquiries constantly confounded yesterday’s certainties. When he got his own uncertainties together (by accepting he wanted the best of both the changing and the unchanging worlds), he could have been a brilliant teacher, conversationalist, counselor, entertainer, wit, creative artist or entrepreneur – in fact he could have been anything he wanted. Once focused, he could be a human dynamo, and wonderfully humorous, witty and entertaining with it. As he discovered, his quest for solid material certainties did not make a happy bedfellow for his yearning for excitement and larger religious and spiritual understanding. In one way or another, be it through philosophy and the spiritual quest or through writing, music or art, he needed to put together and formulate a total vision of the universe which is based on unassailable facts yet satisfying to his idealism.
Constantly seeking, he was a natural agnostic, applying the criteria of science to counter woolly speculations, yet at the same time highly skeptical of the limited and statistical pronouncements of unthinking science. The danger, if he did not marry these elements within him, is that he would swing from one to the other and undermine the virtues of both. A restless changing of jobs, careers, partners, visions or aspirations left him drunk with his own spinning. When he deliberately tried to remain sober and commonsensical, it seemed to make matters worse for there was something of the gambler in him. This all-or-nothing streak can temporarily overcome your natural caution and enable you to burn your bridges (though you will usually ensure there is something tucked away for a rainy day). He felt an impulsive need to do things on a grand scale, to live with commitment, to feast on the world, and to understand what it was to be alive in all possible ways. He seemed to be called both to explore the reaches of the imagination and to build secure foundations. He brought far-reaching visions into manifestation, and these visions injected his conservative desire for stability and security with flair and colour. His vision of tomorrow and the larger world gave spice to any project he undertook. He saw endless possibilities and wanted to make them real. In this he could be the natural entrepreneur who saw economic opportunities at every turn, an inspiring counselor and teacher, and a stimulating companion whatever he did.
His well-shaped body displayed a warm attractiveness and ripeness. In his later years, he may have needed to watch the tendency to gain weight too easily. His strong broad shoulders supported a very large neck size. His most outstanding feature was his eyes and his gentle smile and voice. He was big-boned. He enjoyed dressing well, preferring soft colours. He was practical, steady and patient, but he could be inflexible in his views. One thing he did have was plenty of common sense and good powers of concentration, although he tended to think that purely abstract thought was a waste of time. His thought processes weren’t as quick as others, but his decisions were made with a lot of thought behind them. He also had the welcome ability to bring people together. He needed to be able to show his originality and independence in any job for complete satisfaction. His work should also satisfy his scientific bent and humanitarian leanings. He needed scope for his inventiveness, because he was able to bring a fresh view to any job. Ideally, his work should permit him to express the idealistic side to him character and allow him to help as many people as possible. He could be extremely efficient in the way that he tried to get maximum result out of minimum effort. He didn’t like extravagance and waste. He was a thoughtful and resourceful person, who was well-informed on many subjects. Success came gradually and as a result of hard work. Success and growth, for him, were expressed by material and financial achievements, bringing status and prestige.Worldly success was well within his reach, because he possessed all the necessary talents to gain power, influence and status. He was practical, determined and patient. When there were hitches in his plans, he simply worked around them. He knew where he was heading to, and had already figured out the best way to use his talents to reach his goals.
Although he could be fairly pessimistic about life in general, it didn’t put him off aiming for the top. He could be very single-minded about reaching his goals, and was prepared to put his career interests above his personal happiness. He was extremely aware of his own worth. He was prepared to work beyond the call of duty. His strong sense of ambition gave him a certain rigidity, arrogance and selfishness in the eyes of others. He belonged to a generation with fiery enthusiasm for new and innovative ideas and concepts. Rejecting the past and its mistakes, he sought new ideals and people to believe in. As a member of this generation, he felt restless and adventurous, and was attracted towards foreign people, places and cultures. As a member of the Gemini Neptune generation, his restless mind pushed him to explore new intellectual fields. He loved communication and the occult and was likely also fascinated by metaphysical phenomena and astrology. As a Gemini Plutonian, he was mentally restless and willing to examine and change old doctrines, ideas and ways of thinking. As a member of this generation, he showed an enormous amount of mental vitality, originality and perception. Traditional customs and taboos were examined and rejected for newer and more original ways of doing things. As opportunities with education expanded, he questioned more and learned more. As a member of this generation, having more than one occupation at a time would not have been unusual to him.
Love/sex life: His sexuality was a wonderful combination of sensuality and basic laziness. He let himself be carried along by his pleasure-seeking instincts, greeting every new experience with fresh eagerness and then slowly draining from that encounter all the joy it has to offer. This passive, easy-going approach to sex not only made for good technique, it also conceals the egocentric strength and stubbornness that was at the core of his erotic nature. People don’t realize that beneath all that luxurious hedonism he was always the person in control. He was a conservative lover for whom appearances were always important. There may have been occasions when his sensuality lured him into indiscretions but he was quick to cover his tracks and hide the evidence. The quiet practicality of his sexual nature served as a handy antidote for his Martian braggadocio. He knew that he was the best there is but he was willing to sit back and let the world find out the good news on its own. In his youth Cooper was endorsed by several female “experts” of the time (such as Clara Bow, Marlene Dietrich and Tallulah Bankhead) as Hollywood’s sexiest man. His soft spoken and manly sex appeal projected just as well on the screen. After marrying at age 32, Cooper’s sex life became somewhat more sedate though he never lost his ability to attract women.
minor asteroids and points:
North Node: Scorpio
Lilith: Scorpio
Vertex: Libra
Fortune: Capricorn
East Point: Taurus
His North Node in Scorpio dictated that he needed to be careful not to let the more emotional side of his personality overwhelm him. Instead, he should have set out to consciously develop his more practical abilities. His Lilith in Scorpio ensured that he was dangerously attracted to those women who seduced and conquered on a daily basis; who liked life intense and was judged for her sexuality and general vibe and learned early on how to deflect moral judgments. His type of women may have been tried in the court of public opinion but no way were they going to show up for the sentencing. His Vertex in Libra, 6th house dictated that he llonged for a union of souls that was based on a model of pure peace and justice. Images come to mind of a mythical life on Venus, the planet of love, where there is never a discordant beat between lovers, but rather, continual harmony even if played in the minor chords. Physical lust was certainly a necessary aspect of two beings eternally intertwined, but the platonic component far outweighed it in importance for him. He had an attitude of duty, obligation and sacrifice when it came to heartfelt interactions. The negative side was the tendency to become hypochondriacal or martyristic to get the love he so desperately wanted. There was a need for others to appreciate the sincerity of his intentions, to the daily tasks he executed in a conscientious and caring way and for others to know that his actions, no matter how routine they may seem, were based on devoted love. His Part of Fortune in Capricorn and Part of Spirit in Cancer dictated that his destiny lay in creating practical and long-lasting achievements. Success came through hard work, determination, responsibility and perseverance. Fulfillment came from observing his progress through life and seeing it take a form and structure that will outlive him. His soul’s purpose guided him towards building security in his life, both emotional and material. He felt spiritual connections and the spark of the divine within his home and family. East Point in Taurus dictated that he was more likely to identify with the need for pleasure (including the potential of liking himself) and comfort.
elemental dominance:
earth
fire
He was a practical, reliable man and could provide structure and protection. He was oriented toward practical experience and thought in terms of doing rather than thinking, feeling, or imagining. Could be materialistic, unimaginative, and resistant to change. But at his best, he provided the practical resources, analysis, and leadership to make dreams come true. He was dynamic and passionate, with strong leadership ability. He generated enormous warmth and vibrancy. He was exciting to be around, because he was genuinely enthusiastic and usually friendly. However, he could either be harnessed into helpful energy or flame up and cause destruction. Ultimately, he chose the latter. Confident and opinionated, he was fond of declarative statements such as “I will do this” or “It’s this way.” When out of control—usually because he was bored, or hadn’t been acknowledged—he was bossy, demanding, and even tyrannical. But at his best, his confidence and vision inspired others to conquer new territory in the world, in society, and in themselves.
modality dominance:
fixed
He liked the challenge of managing existing routines with ever more efficiency, rather than starting new enterprises or finding new ways of doing things. He likely had trouble delegating duties and had a very hard time seeing other points of view; he tried to implement the human need to create stability and order in the wake of change.
house dominants:
12th
9th
8th
He had great interest in the unconscious, and indulged in a lot of hidden and secret affairs. His life was defined by seclusion and escapism. He had a certain mysticism and hidden sensitivity, as well as an intense need for privacy. Traveling, whether physically across the globe, on a mental plane or expanding through study was a major theme in his life. He was not only concerned with learning facts, but also wanted to understand the connections formed between them and the philosophies and concepts they stood for. His conscience, as well as foreign travel, people and places was also of paramount importance in his life. He loved the totality of the human experience and embraced the whole cycle of human life, including birth, sex and death. His darker side, and the complexes and emotions that he preferred to keep hidden, even from himself was a theme throughout his life. His ability to undergo deep personal transformations and spiritual regeneration was also highlighted.
planet dominants:
Venus
Saturn
Sun
He was romantic, attractive and valued beauty, had an artistic instinct, and was sociable. He had an easy ability to create close personal relationships, for better or worse, and to form business partnerships. He believed in the fact that lessons in life were sometimes harsh, that structure and foundation was a great issue in his life, and he had to be taught through through experience what he needed in order to grow. He paid attention to limitations he had and had to learn the rules of the game in this physical reality. He tended to have a practical, prudent outlook. He also likely held rigid beliefs. He had vitality and creativity, as well as a strong ego and was authoritarian and powerful. He likely had strong leadership qualities, he definitely knew who he was, and he had tremendous will. He met challenges and believed in expanding his life.
sign dominants:
Taurus
Sagittarius
Capricorn
His stubbornness and determination kept his around for the long haul on any project or endeavour. He was incredibly patient, singular in his pursuit of goals, and determined to attain what he wanted. Although he lacked versatility, he compensated for it by enduring whatever he had to in order to get what he wanted. He enjoyed being surrounded by nice things. He liked fine art and music, and may have had considerable musical ability. He also had a talent for working with his hands—gardening, woodworking, and sculpting. He sought the truth, expressed it as he saw it—and didn’t care if anyone else agreed with him. He saw the large picture of any issue and couldn’t be bothered with the mundane details. He was always outspoken and likely couldn’t understand why other people weren’t as candid. After all, what was there to hide? He loved his freedom and chafed at any restrictions. He was a serious-minded person who often seemed aloof and tightly in control of his emotions and her personal domain. Even as a youngster, there was a mature air about him, as if he was born with a profound core that few outsiders ever see. He was easily impressed by outward signs of success, but was interested less in money than in the power that money represents. He was a true worker—industrious, efficient, and disciplined. His innate common sense gave her the ability to plan ahead and to work out practical ways of approaching goals. More often than not, he succeeded at whatever he set out to do. He possessed a quiet dignity that was unmistakable.
Read more about him under the cut.
Actor Gary Cooper was born on May 7, 1901, in Helena, Montana. Spanning from the silent film era to the early 1960s, Academy Award-winning actor Gary Cooper built much of his career by playing strong, manly, distinctly American roles. The son of English parents who had settled in Montana, he was educated in England for a time. He also studied at Grinnell College in Iowa before heading to Los Angeles to work as an illustrator. When he had a hard time finding a job, Cooper worked as a film extra and landed some small parts. After his appearance in
The Winning of Barbara Worth
(1926), a western, Cooper's career began to take off. He starred opposite silent movie star Clara Bow in Children of Divorce (1927). Cooper also earned praise as the ranch foreman in
The Virginian
(1929), one of his early films with sound. Throughout the 1930s, he turned in a number of strong performances in such films as A Farewell to Arms (1934) with Helen Hayes and Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936) directed by Frank Capra. Cooper received an Academy Award nomination for his work on the film. Cooper continued to excel on the big screen, tackling several real-life dramas. In Sergeant York (1941), the played a World War I hero and sharpshooter, which was based on the life story of Alvin York. Cooper earned a Best Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of York.
The next year, Cooper played one of baseball's greats, Lou Gehrig, in The Pride of the Yankees (1942). Again, he scored another Best Actor Academy Award nomination. Appearing in a film adaptation of Ernest Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls, Cooper starred opposite Ingrid Bergman in a drama set during the Spanish Civil War. This role garnered him a third Academy Award nomination. In 1952, Cooper took on what is known considered his signature role as Will Kane in High Noon. He appeared as a lawman who must face a deadly foe without any help from his own townspeople. The film won four Academy Awards, including a Best Actor win for Cooper. In addition to his excellent on-screen performances, Cooper became known for his alleged romances with several of his leading ladies, including Clara Bow and Patricia Neal. The affair with Neal, his co-star in 1949's The Fountainhead, reportedly occurred during his marriage to socialite Veronica Balfe with whom he had a daughter. Their marriage seemed to survive the scandal. By the late 1950s, Cooper's health was in decline. He made a few more films, such as Man of the West (1958), before dying of cancer on May 13, 1961. (x)
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The Problem with Season Five
this is already going to have a lot of you in the replies yelling at me. obviously, massive SPOILERS for s5 of she ra and the princesses of power if you haven't already seen it.
okay, so She Ra is definitely a kids' show, but it has a lot of themes aimed towards an older audience: abuse, war, found family, destiny and knowing who you are. I loved She Ra because it made me feel empowered, made me feel seen. after this last season, however, I don't feel the same. I will, however, talk about what it did well.
What She-Ra s5 did RIGHT
I very much enjoyed seeing the character development for most characters come to the forefront here. For example, SW returned to her original motivations. When she lived in Mystacor with the other sorcerers, her thirst for power was borne of a desire to fight the Horde. When she was rejected, then she chose to do what she did. We see a return to that in s5, where she takes a stand against Prime by enlisting Castaspella to stop her if she tries to take any power for herself. She ends up just wanting to help, to do what she can, which was excellent. Glimmer, Bow and a bunch of other characters are given some love here as well. I especially enjoyed seeing Bow and Mermista take on leadership positions in the absence of Adora; it was an excellent look into another facet of their personalities.
Character interactions in non-serious moments were, for the most part, good. Swift Wind and Scorpia being bros was not something I knew I needed but something I want more of. Netossa basically being Batman and knowing the weaknesses of everyone around her was great and an iconic scene. Bow thinking Catra was super adorable was also an excellent moment in the season and I could watch 9 more seasons worth of that. Something that surprised me was Entrapta's "not good with people"-ness being talked about and addressed by the other characters and explained by her; I wasn't sure if that was ever gonna be talked about in the show.
Side note: thank you Crew-Ra for giving Scorpia her own musical number, it was great.
Prime was also a fascinating enemy. He's this sort of religious figure, this world destroyer who's been around for seemingly centuries, maybe much longer. He's cold, calm and calculated. I've seen it pointed out that he's everything Hordak is not. He's manipulative, knows body language and facial expressions, and has a perfect grasp on how to get exactly what we wants. My favorite aspect of this season was the hive mind control. This was a very interesting plotline to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed HiveMind!Catra as well as Wrong Hordak. I loved the idea of pitting allies against each other and the angst and emotional weight that carried.
Going to use that point to segue into one of this season's strengths: Netossa and Spinnerella. Wow! We get a chance to see what a healthy queer/wlw relationship looks like, and two background characters get major upgrades in relevance. Two diversity points for one being a big girl and for the couple being interracial (in our world anyway), but diversity is the norm is SPOP and we might have to stan forever. It was extremely heartwarming and resulted in one of my favorite scenes to ever show up in animated media (one which I'll be stealing to add to my vows if I ever get married):
It was beautiful and I will absolutely never shut up about it.
There were some beautiful moments this season!! Absolutely gorgeous. A highlight for me cinematically was episode 5, which will probably bother some people when I say what I will below. I will be honest, the new transformation sequence and the scene of Adora holding Catra as She-Ra was powerful and had my heart pounding with excitement. It was awesome.
On the other hand...
What She-Ra s5 did WRONG
I'm going to break my issues with the final season down one by one, starting with the narrative of abuse.
From the very beginning, abuse is the most prevalent theme in the show. Prime (HP) abuses Hordak, Hordak abuses SW, SW abuses both Adora and Catra, and Catra abuses Adora. I liked the Crew-Ra tackling this issue. Abused people abuse people, right?
Why was everyone redeemed in s5? (Well, except for Prime, he was blasted away by She-Ra.) Hordak was given a blank slate to start over, even though he was the reason Etheria was war torn for at least a few decades; SW was given a hero's sacrifice, where at the end of her life she finally decides to do some good; and Catra is immediately forgiven for doing one good thing and all trust in placed in her simultaneously.
Hordak and H. Prime as abusers are pretty cut and dry; at no point are they ever remorseful for their actions, except for Hordak in the case of being abusive to Entrapta. SW is much more of an interesting character to analyze, because her motivations are geared directly towards herself. This seems to change in the final season, when she returns to her original motivations from back when she was in Mystacor. Defending her home. In her pursuit of the power needed to defend Etheria from the Horde, she fell into darkness. She began to abuse Adora and Catra.
One could argue that the hero's sacrifice she was given for redemption was unneeded. SW was an individual addicted to power. She was manipulative, using fake affection as a means to control. She didn't deserve a redemption. The only evidence we have of this supposed change of heart is a line to Castaspella: "...and stop me if I try to take the power for myself." Okay... so, SW, um... what changed your mind? Was it Micah? Because at no point has he forgiven you. In fact, there should've been much more hostility between the two of you (which is a point I'll address in a moment). In all honesty, the relationship between SW and Micah reminds me of what should've happened between Catra and Glimmer, or Catra and Scorpia.
And Catra... My problem with her story is that she was kinda just... forgiven? instantly. no repercussions, no long talks about feelings, no... consequences. Catra got the girl and that was it. A small list of things she did over 4 seasons, in no certain order:
Scratched what was implied were scarring marks down Adora's back
Was the cause of Angella's "death" #angelladeservedbetter
Kidnapped both Glimmer and Bow
Opened a world-ending portal all to ensure Adora failed
Also pushed Adora into what looked like an abyss
Verbally abused Scorpia into leaving
Wanted to pit Corrupted!She-Ra against her friends (dehumanization)
Got Entrapta sent to Beast Island, a deadly place no one ever returns from
And this is just the stuff off the top of my head. We all knew Catra was going to get a redemption, but this one was completely undeserved. She apologized to Adora and Entrapta. Two very short apologies for what canonly was at minimum, months of abuse, manipulation, intent to kill (which is literally mentioned by Adora) and general disregard for anyone or anything but revenge for something that didn't even deserve it. The entire cast should've been outraged. Glimmer in particular had a very big reason not to ever forgive Catra ("I'm not losing another parent!"), but it was all glossed over.
The biggest issue with season 5 was the abuse plotline completely dropped. You can't spend 4 seasons explaining how the cycle of abuse affects you and everyone around you... and shelve it. And we know the reason why it was shelved.
Let me first preface this with the fact that I am super happy we got representation. As a queer nblw who grew up feeling alone, it's so good to see things changing in media. An onscreen wlw kiss on a kids' show is groundbreaking and I'm very happy that She-Ra broke this barrier.
But all representation is not good representation. Catra and Adora is not a good representation of a healthy relationship.
Catra is shown throughout the series to be very unstable. This is even prevalent in season 5, when Adora "chooses SW" over Catra, she runs away. This breaks Adora's heart. The last thing that Catra needs is a relationship when she hasn't even confronted the issues that she has. There's no healing done in season 5, no therapy as the fandom loved to meme about, no long talks about forgiveness and the hurt caused. There's no callback to any of the pain and anguish that Catra put Adora through. Catra may love Adora, but if there is no healing done for the both of them, their relationship will fail. They will fall into the same cycle again. Adora will do something Catra doesn't like, Catra will do what she's done for all of the show, and it will repeat until something breaks.
I'm going to talk about the implications of the ending we have now, and feel free to argue with me.
She-Ra is a kids' show. Abuse is one of the main themes. Catra is shown to be an abuser. Here's what we are teaching younger audiences:
a. if you love someone enough, maybe they'll change
b. everyone deserves a second chance
c. your abuser will change as long as you're loyal and never stop trying to love them
d. things someone does to hurt you mean nothing in the wake of forgiveness
e. if someone who hurt you changes suddenly and wants to be back in your life, you should let them back in
Character interactions for the things that mattered (plot threads from previous seasons, general personality clashes, etc) were absent this season, in the moments where they mattered the most. (The best three in my opinion were Scorpia and Perfuma, the BFS inviting Catra in, and Mermista and Entrapta.) Glimmer and Adora should've had their time to talk. Scorpia should've gotten to say her piece to Catra. SW and Micah should've interacted more. Micah and Glimmer should've gotten more than an introduction!
I'm not going to get into how the entire final season was wrapped around making Catra and Adora get together (a fundamental writing no-no; it never ends up working), or how it was bad writing. I just want everyone to think critically for one moment. There are so many other glaring issues in what was, overall, a stellar show. If there was another season, or some mini episodes where the characters talk out their problems and past transgressions against each other, then I could excuse She-Ra. But I doubt we're going to get any of that. So I won't.
#i am absolutely open to criticism and discussion!#literally just be respectful#that's all i ask#catradora#glimmadora#she ra#she ra s5#she ra hordak#she ra scorpia#she ra netflix#she ra adora#spop#spop entrapta#spop s5#spop catra#spop bow#spop spoilers#spop spinnerella#she ra and the princesses of power#entrapdak#glimbow#spinnetossa#scorptra#glitra#sorry im trying to tag all the she ra shit i can think of off the top of my head#welcome to the longest post i have eve and will ever make#she ra critical#spop critical
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I know we all say John needed therapy but wasn’t psychiatry really fucked up in the 60s?
>:) I love this topic!
tl;dr: It wasn't all bad, and in fact, a lot of good was happening in the psychology scene. John could have walked into a psychologist or psychiatrist's office in the 60s or 70s and not been traumatised, essentially, because there were good doctors that could have helped him through his addiction, traumas and low self worth because of how psychology was evolving.
Psychology was actually going through a really exciting period and expanding to include multiple schools of thought going into helping treat someone. Cognitive psychology was starting to flourish which would better help professionals help their patients and get to the root of an issue. As much weird experimentation and alternative treatments were happening, it doesn't mean that the pros weren't getting on with their jobs using solid research to back up their methods. The 1960s was also a really important decade for women in psychology which was super important! During the 60s we got things like The Attachment Theory from John Bowlby after years of development from multiple other professionals. We got 'The Five Stages of Grief' in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' 'On Death and Dying' and Virginia Satir published her famous works on family therapy. Even Jane Asher's father was doing research into the links between physical and mental health. There was also research being done into the links between physiological reactions and mental reactions to stimuli and the relationship of those two things in relation to trauma.
You could attribute a lot of this progress to the trauma of the second world war, the uncertainty of a new one just around the corner, and the ever-changing social landscape. More people needed more help and more people were willing to see a professional about it, rather than just take some over the counter anxiety pill and hope for the best. Therapy was becoming more 'accessable' because more people were becoming familiar with the lingo. Even if it was a little Freudian, it was like a generation were becoming comfortable with the idea of being analysed and treated.
"The popular rise of psychotherapy was intertwined with the popular rise of psychoanalysis. Freudian ideas had been popular with intellectuals and artists in the 1920s, but it was not until the 1950s, with the crisis in mental health, that they widely penetrated the public consciousness. Although few clinical psychologists of this era practiced Freudian psychoanalysis, they distilled Freud’s ideas into buzzwords, which appeared frequently in their conversations, writings, and speeches, thereby tapping into the public consciousness and identifying with people’s concerns. Journalists of the time wrote about infatuation and subliminal influences. A social worker visiting a family would look for unhealthy parent-child relationships and refer to the Oedipus complex. A probation officer, even a truant officer, would discuss a juvenile delinquent’s family background in the context of aggression and compensation. Freudian concepts saturated popular movies, such as Marnie and The Three Faces of Eve. Clinical psychologists and the public were in sync."
"The dramatic increase in the number of therapists that began in the 1950s only accelerated in the 1960s, with one study reporting an eightfold rise in the number of psychologists involved in mental health between 1950 and 1975. Yet the fact that most of the new therapists practiced some form of short-term psychotherapy attests not to the triumph of these professionals but to the public’s increasing control over them. People didn’t just want their problems explained; they wanted them solved. And in essence, they got what they wanted." (Psychotherapy and the Pursuit of Happiness, Ronald W. Dworkin).
Basically, there was more help and more ideas and more strength and adaptations to old tried and tested ideas.
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Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (9/?)
Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“
Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.
Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Link to cross-postings: AO3
The oval stretched out in front of him, much wider than his range of vision but Levi felt no need to look around him and take in the whole view. It was the largest oval in his city and having been one of the more active high jumpers the past five years, he had been there enough to memorize it inside and out.
That particular day, instead of being out there in the field doing warm up jumps like he had been for the past decade of his life, he was on the bleachers, a few seats away from the front. He was merely a part of the audience, an oddly surreal experience. For years, Levi had never given the audience a passing thought after all. His world during those few hours on the track had consisted of the bar he had to jump over, the jumper before him, his coach and teammates on the bench and maybe some the interviewers who would flock to him after the medal ceremony.
Although he had gone to that track so many times before, somehow it felt like he was experiencing it for the first time.
He was unprepared as well. Levi found himself pushing his hands farther into his hoodie huddling for whatever warmth it could afford him. Possibly it was the long days he had spent indoors that had made him unready for how cold mid autumn could actually be.
The past two weeks leading up to that particular night, Levi had not left the comforts of Hange's apartment much aside from for the occasional check up or regular therapy session. When he wasn't writing or making sense of new dreams, he spent most of his days catching up with schoolwork or trying to help around her apartment even with his injury.
With the long hours he had spent indoors, he was almost sedentary in comparison to the twice a day training and it was a drastic change. As he watched the other athletes warm up on the track, he was unable to fathom how he had survived long ago in light athletic wear. He started to wonder how much he had changed. If his knee wasn’t casted or buckling at the slightest weight, if he had a perfectly good knee just like a few weeks ago, would he have still been able to jump.
Was that sudden sensitivity to the cold he was feeling a product of his psyche or did his body just suddenly get weaker due to his long stint indoors?
To think I used to actually win these events. With the disbelief that came with that passing thought, Levi suddenly remembered why he had hesitated to join them in the first place. Everything from the atmosphere, to the warm up jumps found a way to hurt him. The few whispers he could hear from his place on the bleachers about the Ackerman kid, who had achieved a college record less than a year ago suddenly sidelined for life, were reminding him why exactly he had cooped himself up in the first place.
At first, he had attributed a huge chunk of that to the healing process, the writing process and the general lack of necessity to go out. At that moment, he was watching athletes do the jumps he knew how to perfectly execute yet was sure he would never be capable of doing again. At the same time, he was listening to whispers that could have been very much about him with the smatters of conversations on knee injuries and wasted talent.
He had looked towards Hange for comfort, an almost instinctive movement. Ironically, that movement had him rubbing more salt on his already reopened wounds. He had ended up watching Hange fall so easily to a state of a daydream and Levi did not need to look back at the oval to know why. She was watching the athletes go through the motions of the jumps.
He recognized that same look to be the one she had given Elijah and those athletes on her instagram feed. He would have given a lot to be able to go back to the Levi of a few weeks ago, the Levi who had been the subject of her hyper fixations. The inevitability of time had him hating himself a little more.
Levi cleared his throat in an attempt to swallow the lump that had settled there and willed himself to look back at the field. The temptation to space out was strong.
He had decided on watching the high jump event for a reason though and he was determined to make it worth it.
A Tale of Two Slaves
"Mike and Nanaba?” Levi repeated. The names flowed out of his mouth so smoothly so easily as if he had said those names many times before. Of course, he knew them. They were the subject of Hange’s case study years ago, the one he had read in preparation for meeting Hange.
“Mike Zacharius and Nanaba Briete,” Hange repeated. “Two friends from high school. They’re both participating in the high jump event so I thought of watching."
Mike and Nanaba. As Levi soon found out though the names weren’t cold to his tongue. They didn’t feel as stiff or professional despite their clear origins from an academic paper. It was almost second nature for Levi to attach faces to both of their names.
And that had been a breakthrough at that moment. For the past few days, he had been struggling to dream something different. Ever since Hange had given him a dream catcher, the dreams with Erwin and Hange had surprisingly been clearer and those scenes he had pictured had so easily flown from mind to paper, particularly his dreams to see the outside wall, his drive for atonement, his heroic sacrifice. It had also made him familiar with more subtle things like the long hours he had spent in the office, the amount of time he had spent joined to Erwin’s hip as his right hand man, and the trust he had put on him all the way until the end of his life.
He had squeezed what he had taken out of every memory and every dream and suddenly one day, he woke up to find himself completely intimate with that dream Erwin. Yet the story wasn’t complete, he just had to find inspiration elsewhere.
In an attempt to support him, Hange had been doing her part too to invite him out when she could.
She had suggested movies, shopping or dinner out. Levi could see behind it though and knew Hange would have preferred hiking, park hopping or working out. Not wanting to settle for bland ideas, they probably would have both slogged through, Levi declined all of them despite Hange’s insistence.
Ironically, her mention of plans to watch his college track and field event of all things had been an exception. "I'll come with you," Levi said without thinking.
Hange frowned in concern. “You sure?”
“Why? You don’t want me to come?”
Hange shook her head. “It’s not that…. I’m just surprised that you seemed a little too eager. I talk watching something like that might be torture for you.”
“I haven’t gone out in so long. I’m fine with anything at this rate.”
“We could start with a trip to the mall? Or we could go out for dinner?” Hange lightly suggested.
“I wanna get to know your friends too,” Levi said.
Hange raised one eyebrow at him as she eyed him a little too suspiciously. “You never seemed like the type to actually enjoy meeting new people.”
Levi avoided her gaze. If it were any other friends, he probably wouldn’t have cared enough to leave the comforts of Hange’s apartment. In fact, meeting his classmates and having face-to-face classes were a burden he was happy to avoid. Those names which Hange had mentioned, the faces that suddenly clicked in his brain, which were further confirmed by a quick google search had him all the more invested. “Nanaba and Mike seem like interesting people,” Levi finally admitted.
Her reaction was unexpected to say the least. Levi found himself practically jumping out of his seat in shock at the explosion of laughter that came out of your mouth. “Why the hell are you laughing?”
Eventually, her laughter did die down but Levi wasn’t counting the seconds until it did. He had been too busy enjoying the way her eyes crinkled and her nose wrinkled as she smiled. “Wait ‘til Nanaba and Mike hear this. The quiet antisocial guy who beat them out of first place every single fucking time is actually interested in getting to know them
“Wait. I went against them?”
“Aaaaand you don’t even remember.” Hange flailed her hands up exaggeratedly. “I should have known.” She shook her head. Her voice still had the remnants of the loud laughter of a while ago and she didn’t look like she would be getting rid of that playful demeanor anytime soon.
“And now you’re just making fun of me.
Hange wiped a tear from the side of her eye. “I’m sorry. I probably look so weird right now. I know I shouldn’t be acting like this.” As she put her hand down, she looked back up at him, her smile visibly wider than it was a second ago. “It just never dawned on me till now how weird it just feels. If I told my past self I’d be sharing an apartment with jumper extraordinaire Levi Ackerman, past Hange would have tried to slap some sense into me.”
Jumper extraordinaire Levi Ackerman. Somehow, Levi was recalling the way she had held his hands and stared at him, the first time he had laid eyes on her. I heard you’re the best one in the team… I’d love to see you in action. The glimmer in eyes and the excited tone in her voice that fluctuated between highs and lows with every syllable, it was the same as it had been then when she first called out to him.
Hange took a deep breath. “The tournaments were the only times Nanabe and Mike would visit this part of town so they’d invite me to watch every year…”
“And you watched it every year…” Levi didn’t need to confirm anything. It was all in her eyes.
As if she knew she had given it all away through her eyes, Hange quickly looked away. She had done nothing though to hide the pink in her cheeks. She probably couldn’t have done anything to hide it anyway. “When the super rookie Levi Ackerman scored an almost record breaking upset win…” Hange recounted so mechanically as if she were reading a headline. “I was in the crowd. And I never stopped following him since.”
And I never stopped following him since. The moment Hange said it, she dropped her shoulders to the side, so quickly and so eagerly, Levi wondered what kind of baggage she had been holding for her to look so free as she said those last words. His mind shifted elsewhere before he could ponder it any longer.
It was a long shot but Levi still found himself looking back, scrambling to recall his first every competition through lasting sensations from the cold breeze, the blinding lights and the cacophony of cheers mixed with announcers’ commentaries.
As if by some miracle, he remembered it. He remembered it as he mentally prepared for the most crucial jump. The bar was a good two meters up in the air. His legs were aching, his heartbeat was getting wilder. Before he jumped, he had glanced at the bleachers as the murmurs and cheers got stronger and consequently more difficult to ignore. On the bleachers, more specifically on the fifth row from the front, sat Hange. Her hair still as brown and untamed as always, her eyes held the same wonder it always had. And maybe a little surprise? That had been his first tournament after all.
He had only given her a passing glance then. Within a split second, she had blended with the scenery as he ran towards the bar. The jump that came quickly after was strong and exhilarating.
And as Levi landed on the cushion on the other side of the bar, welcoming explosions of gasps and wild cheers as he did, he couldn’t help but reflect on it.
Rookie Ackerman bags gold in the Regional Cup with record breaking height.
That first tournament jump had been life changing, inspiring. Possibly it was the jump that had paved the way to the years of victory that followed.
No sane athlete would have memorized the faces in the crowd. For him though, it felt criminal that he had only noticed it then as she admitted it to him herself.
She had been a part of that experience too.
A Tale of Two Slaves
Eventually, Levi did get tired of torturing himself. He knew the way to the barely used locker rooms in the building next to the oval and he seeked solace there. Somehow, he found it worth it to make a slight scene as he struggled to keep his balance and he maneuvered his crutches down the bleachers.
When he got to the empty locker room, with only the dark ceiling above him and silence, that made even the dripping of water deafening, he was able to forget the embarrassing and frustrating journey there. And within a few more minutes, he did forget the onslaught of emotion that had culminated into a wave of incomprehensible emotions, manifesting as demons in his head.
With a lack of stimuli to remind him of his reality, he was once again numb. And numbness tended to lead to dreaming. The old locker room was no place to fall asleep though and Levi found himself trying to focus on whatever faint stimuli could reach him as to stay rooted in his reality.
Faint cheers made their way into the dark room. Levi had watched more than enough jumps to know the cheers flowed with the movements, always at their loudest when the athlete is at their highest. Oddly enough, he had managed to drown out the cheers more easily when he was in the middle of them.
Although they were faint, they were still much louder and more rattling than Levi had ever experienced them to be. And the cheers did rattle him to the bone. His body shook every time the cheers reached their crescendo and he wondered if Hange was watching too. Was she screaming? He could imagine her cheers so easily and he found himself trying to pick it out among what could have been hundreds of other voices.
Her voice was unique, nostalgic, memorable. It should have been easy. But the cheers were too faint. Even in the silence, he found it difficult to split them into individual voices, let alone isolate one out of hundreds. He leaned back on the cold wall, slipped onto the floor and closed his eyes.
“Levi?”
Levi had assumed it to have been a dream at first. The voice he had been raring to pick out among the crowd was right next to him. He willed himself not to open his eyes for fear that the voice might just disappear.
That small voice had opened up to sounds of steps then the brush of cloth on tiles. He felt a warm hand behind him, pulling him gently away from the wall and the warmth of something around him. Levi let out a cough, only then, when the cold was replace by warmth, did he realize how chilly the room actually was.
“You can really sleep anywhere huh?" Her voice had been too near, right next to his ear. Her breath tickled his ear and brushed past his neck. Even before he realized it, he had opened his eyes, Levi was already returning the subtle smile Hange had given him.
“What were you dreaming about?” It had become routine for Hange to ask that question. Levi couldn’t blame her. When he was at his worst, sometimes that was the only thing he was willing to talk about.
“Nothing. I wasn’t sleeping. I was just thinking,” Levi answered. “How are the results?”
Hange shrugged. “You saw it yourself. Elijah grabbed gold in the vertical jump. Mike silver…” She paused for a second.
“So none of the other jumpers after them got higher scores?”
“They still didn’t beat your record from last season.”
“I don’t need that reassurance,” Levi said. “This would have been my last season anyway. I’m gonna graduate, find a job, forget this sport then find out some other kid beat my record in a few years.”
“Why did you leave after Elijah cleared the 2.3 meter bar then?” Hange didn’t at all sound like she had wanted to provoke him. Levi was certain all she had wanted were answers.
“Why were you staring at Elijah like that when he jumped?” As he thought back to the final straw that had made him stand up and brave the stairs and the whispers from the crowd just so he could leave the field mid tournament, he realized exactly why. Hange hadn’t even noticed the way her eyes lit up at him. Somehow, that was enough to have Levi shaking as he saw the confusion in her eyes.
“Staring like what?”
“Your mouth was wide open and your eyes were stuck on him.”
“I just got a little excited I guess. When I see jumps that high, sometimes I feel like I’m flying myself,” Hange said. “Or I dunno, I’ve never flown before but it’s just so easy to get lost in it sometimes.”
“Did you feel that same way? When I jumped?” Used to jump. Regret weighed on him. As the seconds ticked as he waited for her answer, that regret gradually took over and pushed at his chest, making it more difficult to breath. It had been that one movement after all, that impulsive and reckless decision that had him there in that dark unused locker room instead of outside in the tournament.
It was his last season anyway. He had consoled himself so many times before. But it wasn’t the season and the career-ending injury that had him heavy hearted at that moment. Impending retirement in sports loomed for most college athletes, especially in their senior year. Levi had prepared himself for it already.
At first, it had been the loss of that one unique sensation, the blue sky above him, and the his body detached from the earth for that split second, the loss of that memorable and unique experience of having both air and gravity as his enemy as he flew through the air with the wind blowing through his face as if executing their own plans to stop him. When the dreams returned and when he had started to write them out, eventually the weight in his chest lightened, replaced by another one.
As he spent more time observing Hange and talking to her in between her thesis writing and his own writing, he noticed it fester slowly. Only when his chest lightened, set free from that other weight, did it start to make itself known.
Hange never stopped watching jumps, turns, tumbles, runs and spins. Sometimes, she would turn on the tv in the living room to some athletic meet. Sometimes, she’d just be scrolling through her timeline, liking whatever inhumane stunts an athlete was showing her at that moment. She had those same raised eyebrows, that same gaping mouth, those same dilated pupils and that same glimmer in the eyes that he wished was just the glare of the screen.
And I never stopped following him since. Had she looked at him with that same expression? That same exact expression she had given Elijah? Would there ever be away to look back at those moments, zoom into her and look for everything from the raised eyebrows, gaping mouth, dilated pupils and that glimmer in her eyes?
Did you look at me that same way? That was all he had wanted to ask. Hange wouldn’t have known though.
“Of course I did.” Hange answered. Levi could only wish it were true. Without seeing that same expression, he would never know.
“But I’ll never jump like that again. So I don’t think you’ll get that from me anymore.”
I can get it elsewhere. Levi had prepared his heart for that reply. He was at least ready enough not to lash out.
“Because you offer other things,” Hange said. “These stories about Captain Levi and Hange Zoe… Commander Erwin Smith? When we’re up late at night and you start talking about those contraptions that get us flying through the air like birds? I don’t know if it’s the way you describe it or if it’s the passion in your eyes but… it’s like I could have been flying too.”
“You were flying.” And Levi held on to the image so tightly, that the words flowed too naturally out of his mouth. If he hadn’t been staring at the blank ceiling above him, recalling easily how she had tumbled and turned so freely in the air, he probably would have been conscious about how much of a madman he had sounded like.
Hange didn’t seem to mind though. “Even if just in my own dreams, it would be nice.”
The dim room only made the transition from consciousness to unconsciousness a little easier. The coat over his shoulders and the warmth that it kept close to him didn’t help keep him awake either. His dim surroundings blurred into nothingness, the last two sensations he made out was the arm around his shoulder and the faint discomfort as he dropped his head onto what could have been a bony shoulder.
You were flying.
It was as if his dreams had heard the conversation of a while ago. Squad Leader Zoe, Commander Hange Zoe. Dreams of her came in snapshots, in crumbs that indulged all his five senses. The whizzing of cables, the explosion of gas, familiar yet distant screams of excitement, week old sweat.
Her greasy hair on his hands. Then Levi found himself on horseback, his and Hange’s faces were a little too close for comfort. It didn’t take much to remember why though.
She had said something about wanting to meet an abnormal titan and he was in the mood for jokes.
A Tale of Two Slaves
“Of all the years and tournaments you could have ditched, it had to be the tournament with my first ever golden medal performance.”
“Nanaba, I’ll make it up to you promise…”
“To think you’re the one who roped me into this sport in the first place…”
They had the whole taxi ride to start an argument. Levi was grateful at least the conversation only reached that topic when they were already in the elevator on the way to Hange’s apartment. Hange had prepared some hard drinks, some soft drinks, some chasers and a lot of water. He was sure that the argument with devolve into something a little less coherent and might actually fizzle out within an hour or so with the right cocktail mix.
He had gone through that same bout of adventure with his own teammates after all. Nanaba continued to talk her ear off while Mike and Hange cleared out the dining table. Levi sat on one of the chairs, making himself useful by opening up the bottles handed to him by Moblit.
“I’m gonna need something hard first. Imagining being awarded that gold medal then looking in the crowd for the person who inspired me to try high jumping in the first place.” Nanaba sat to Levi’s left pouring what could be a nauseating amount of gin into the cup and emptied it within seconds. “And lo and behold, it looks like you were hiding out with wonderboy here in one of the old locker rooms.” She turned to Levi. “So… What were you guys doing there?”
Oddly enough, Levi didn’t understand the question at first glance. It could have been interpreted as an innocent question. When he wasn’t taking into account the cat-like grin, the raised eyebrows and the wide-eyed gaze.
It was Moblit who confirmed her intention. He turned to Hange. “There isn’t anything between you and Levi though right?”
“No one needs to be in a relationship to do anything.” Mike added, begrudgingly wise words from the most quiet one in the room.
“Nothing really…” Hange sat next to Nanaba and poured her own glass of gin, mixing it with some soft drinks. “I just kept him company. And he fell asleep next to me.”
Nanaba turned to Levi, her cheeks much redder than they were a second ago. “You sure?” She cupped her hands over her mouth and whispered in a still very audible volume. “Blink twice if you need help.”
“I don’t remember much, I fell asleep.”
Everyone in the room jumped as Nanaba abruptly slammed her hand on the table. “And you just let your biggest fangirl get away with doing whatever she wanted with you huh?”
“Biggest… fangirl?” Levi asked.
Nanaba turned to Hange. “Don’t you have a folder of pictures of him on your phone?” She dove under the table. From where Levi sat he could only hear the frazzled protests of Hange.
“The pictures aren’t on my phone anymore!” Hange screamed.
“What pictures?” Levi asked, trying his best to ignore the slams and the sounds of struggle from below.
“We did go to all of your competitions.” Mike admitted. “They went for personal reasons… I went for my own research.”
Levi noted that Mike and Elijah tended to alternate second and third place between the both of them. According to Hange that is. He never looked beyond his own experiences and his own injury had made him all the more hesitant to research high jumping stats.
“That sounds reasonable.” Levi managed to say. Small talk had never been his forte. Especially when his conversation partner wasn’t leaving much opening to continue.
For a while they were both silent. “It’s a shame. You made the competition interesting. If this didn’t happen, you could have pushed the sport to new levels.”
“Accidents happen. Someone else will show up and do it,” Levi kept his voice toneless as if he were just rattling off a list of inevitable events. That probably was going to happen anyway. His current inebriated state just convinced him that it wasn’t worth pondering at that moment.
“Moblit! Keep my phone and Nanaba, just go the fuck to sleep already.” Hange’s tone and her face then that managed to be both cold and furious at the same time was terrifying. Maybe, because it was the first time he had ever seen her so angry.
“You’re one of my closest friends Hange…. Be happy…” Nanaba slurred.
Happy. Hange always seemed happy, barring that one sleepless night he did see her cry. At that moment though, Levi instinctively looked towards her, his brain somehow expecting to see a smile on her face.
Of course, with what happened just a while ago she wasn’t smiling. She pressed her phone onto Moblit’s hand and whispered something to him. She returned back and sat next to Levi, taking Nanaba’s seat of a while ago. “Well, I had pictures to be honest but just for a few months I guess? I mean I really liked your jumps and I wanted to keep them...”
“No. It’s nice to know I had a secret admirer.” No actually, Levi probably would have found it odd if it were anyone else. He was doing the equivalent of writing fanfiction about her and somehow, keeping a secret folder of photos of him seemed mild. Although she had mentioned deleting it, Levi found himself clinging to the hope that she might still have kept a few.
“Hange, Let me make it up to you,” A voice and a pair of arms came up from behind Hange and wrapped around both of their shoulders. Levi could smell the strong alcohol in them.
“Nanaba, I think you should go to sleep now…” Moblit said. He stood up and started to prepare one of the mattresses Hange had laid out on the side of the room.
“Make it up to me by going to sleep…” Hange mumbled visibly uncomfortable.
Nanaba ignored her. “Levi, could I ask you one favor?”
“What is it?” Levi asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the still half fall glass of tequila in front of him. He had only been taking only small and cautious sips after all.
“Could you kiss Hange?” Nanaba asked “At least, just a peck on the cheek?”
“Kiss?”
“Nanaba! Go. to sleep.”
Levi could hear the rattle of her chair and from his peripherals he could see Hange moving to stand up but before he could have even processed anything else, he felt a hand on his head, a slight push.
And within a split second, he felt wet lips, he tasted alcohol, he saw scenes and he heard voices.
Within another split second they were all gone.
Hange had gone red, he could see it in her cheekbones. She had her hand cupped to her mouth, her eyes wide with what could have been shock or embarrassment. As Levi felt the blood run through his cheeks and his incapacity to do anything but stare, he started to wonder what he had looked like.
“Weren’t you wondering how his lips tasted? During that one tournament?”
“That was a joke…” Hange said. She swallowed a lump on her throat and as she narrowed her eyes, Levi could see the beginnings of what could have been tears. Was it really a joke?
“Nanaba. Let’s get you to bed.” Mike appeared from behind Nanaba and guided her back to the mattress Moblit had prepared. He started whispering to Nanaba so slowly and gently, Levi almost admired him for his patience.
That exchange between Nanaba and Mike had only lasted a second. By the time Levi did look beside him, Hange was already gone and he could hear the door slam behind him.
Levi took a quick glance at both Moblit and Mike who were still trying to subdue an overly excited Nanaba before he stood up. Not bothering to even grab his crutches from the other side of the wall, he hobbled the few meter distance toward the door of her room.
“Hange?” Levi opened the door just wide enough to see it. She hadn’t locked the door at least.
“I still have the pictures on my phone.” She sounded apologetic. She sat at the foot of her bed, her face towards the ground. Levi could tell by the crack on her voice that she was in no mood to look up.
“The pictures of me?”
“I can delete them if you want. I know it’s creepy. I shouldn’t have taken so many during tournaments.”
“And you wanted to kiss me?”
Hange fell limply on the bed and looked up at the blank ceiling. She had looked like she was avoiding his gaze. “It was a weird passing thought. I mean, I know a lot of girls have those types of things but I guess it really is creepy when the person isn’t as big of a celebrity as boy groups or actors. But I’ve wanted to be an athlete since before I could remember. I wanted to jump, to see how it feels like flying through the air. And when I saw you jump, I swear you could have had wings on your back with how well you were able to control yourself up there. You made me feel like I could fly too and I guess I got a little obsessed and ended up thinking a lot of creepy shit. I know it’s weird and I sound like a stalker…”
“No it’s not. I still have the stories about you. I’m just as weird,” Levi looked towards the wall, a gesture of respect for Hange who looked like she was in no mood to look at him.
“But, you only started writing them after we met.”
“But the stories are so detailed, it’s embarrassing,” Levi said. “if I made you feel so strongly about this, you felt obsessed enough to sneak pictures. Just remember, you made me feel things too. And these things I felt, ended up making me write. And I’ve never written in my life.”
“How did I make you feel?”
“Like I could fly too.” His dreams could attest to the fact that he wasn’t lying. Levi chose that moment to look at her and their eyes locked even before he consciously tried to follow her gaze. She had lain on the bed, looking more relaxed than a second ago.
Hange scooched over. Levi noticed then with the slight movement that his right knee was starting to ache, having taken the load of all his body weight as he hobbled.
Her scooching over could have been a subtle movement more than anything but with his aching legs, Levi decided the risk was probably worth it. He approached the bed on the side Hange had opened up. “I thought of stuff I wanted to write... Nanaba and Mike were in those dreams too. For a time we would go out for drinks after a long day of training. Meat was hard to come by but sometimes, we would have the budget to blow on a plate of meat and we’d share it. Erwin would be there too. And sometimes, they would joke that we bickered like a married couple.”
“You really built your whole world huh? What inspired you to think that up this time? The alcohol? Meeting Mike and Nanaba? Having our heads bashed together?
The kiss? The visions of the split second chose to remind Levi of their existence at that particular moment. “The kiss?” The words rolled off his tongue so easily and so fluidly.
“You don’t have to call it a kiss if you don’t want to.” We didn’t decide to do it. So technically it isn’t right?”
Levi had wanted to argue. Hange’s denial of that kiss only made his memories clearer and the emotions tied to them much stronger.
That peck had been satisfying, euphoric. It was a cathartic release of pent up emotions. Yet at the same time it had only lasted a split second. In that silent room, on the bed next to Hange, he had enough of a breather to reflect and maybe articulate that particular gesture. His feelings were strong enough to at least convince him to keep it as is. “It’s a kiss,” he said.
The silence stretched for what could have been eternity. “It’s a kiss then,” Hange said. “Did it make you feel anything?”
“I liked it.” Levi kept it to those three words. If he gave his mouth and his emotions free reign, he might just say something he would regret.
“Did you see anything? Did it inspire you to write something else about Captain Levi and Commander Zoe?” It was just like Hange to pull those words out of his mouth anyway.
“If they weren’t constantly fighting for their lives, they might have ended up kissing.”
“And you’re not going to write a kissing scene?”
“They didn’t kiss.” Of course, they wouldn’t kiss during the war. They were fellow soldiers, subordinate and superior, it wouldn’t have been professional in the battlefield.
“Maybe after their relationship develops then.”
“It won’t develop.” The words came out automatically.
“Why not? What about after the war?” Hange suggested. Words like why always bring up more questions than answers and Levi found himself racking his brain for it.
The dreams and the memories or as Hange liked to call it, bouts of inspiration, came in images and scenes and sometimes pieces of information. From what he could tell, Hange and Levi had a strong bond and it would have only been natural that they had stayed close long after the war ended.
And a kiss probably wouldn’t have been too far off. But why didn’t they kiss? Why didn’t their relationship develop? Levi asked himself, as his mind caught up to the words he said.
Maybe because the war hadn't ended yet. But after that there should be potential to develop.
With time, Levi had started to realize a pattern to the dreams though. The answers to the questions came gradually. They came in meetings, conversations and dreams. If he waited patiently, if he just opened up, those questions would be answered right?
Before Levi even noticed it, he had settled on the bed next to her and had fallen asleep to those questions. His brain chose those moments in between the sleeping and waking world to go through the voices and visions that went through him in that split second kiss.
One day in the barracks, he had overheard three of his squad members talking.
“You know I’ve been working with the commander closely right?”
“Yeah?”
“After the meetings, Levi always stays in the room with her and every time I see them together. I can’t help but think, there might be something between them.”
“Maybe you’re just overanalyzing it. You do analyze a lot
“Hey, he was right about the titan shifters and their locations back in Shiganshina."
“We’re talking about romance here, not military intelligence. Besides, can you even imagine the captain and commander kissing?”
“Just because you can’t get a girl with your horse face.”
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