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sleepless-rants · 3 months

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hi sleepless.!!!!! I was wondering if you had any theories on surtalogi & vedrfolnir’e identities? since going off etymology , we can only assume they’re from or connected khaneri’ah in some way,, 💜

OK OK heres a not so intellectual brainstorming (key word: BRAINSTORMING. THIS IS PURELY BRAINSTORMING so if you see me say something then contradict it in the same sentence dont be surprised). So about surtalogi

The actual norse mythology surtalogi is a flaming sword surtr used in the ragnarok which he will use to fight the gods and the flame from said sword will eventually burn down the whole world. Which has lead a lot of people to believe he might be dainsleif (yknow since they're both swords) but I personally dont think that that is the case for a few reasons:

1- skirk refers to surtalogi in the same light as rhinedottir, so we can assume he does something like her.

2- in some sources surtalogi is the fire itself not the sword so its kinda hit or miss

3- surtalogi is waist deep in abyssal power which we know dain is not the most fond of.

4: dainsleif and surtalogi are two seperate swords?? so this for me is kinda like saying durin and dvalin are the same because they're both dwarves in norse mythology.

Again I havent deep dived into this theory so let me know if im missing some additional information but I feel like trying to attach him to a pure blood khaenriahn we already know seems kinda easy (yes the "we need more khaenriah characters agenda")

Where I think we should really be looking to try to figure out surtalogi's identity isn't surtalogi itself but surtr. NOW, NOW LET ME COOK.

Surtr was a fire giant who ruled muspelheim (the fire realm in norse mythology) and lead the fire giants in a battle against the gods during ragnorok, eventually ending the world with his fire. Now surtr is also one of the primordial giants.

what do we associate dragons with? Fire. Battle with the gods? Dragon sovereigns. Primordial giants? Again, dragon sovereigns. It seems so perfect except this would be contradicting my own theory of irmin and nibelung being the same since irmin=odin and surtr is way older than odin. Also another thing: hoyo usually likes to name dragons after dwarves in norse mythology. In fact nibelung himself is a dwarf. Would it be symbolism for them to also use a giant for his refrence or would it be disqualifying this possibility?

Also its worth keeping in mind that in mythology, at the end of ragnarok surtr successfully defeated all the gods and burned down the world, which obviously did not happen with the sovereigns.

HOWEVER. the whole theme of burning down the old world to let a new, better world be born from the ashes very much reminds me of fatui shit, and more importantly PYRO ABYSS LECTOR VOICELINES.

So if nothing else we can say for certain that surtalogi is very much khaenri'ahn ideology. Its just very intresting how the character is specifically THE FIRE THAT BURNS THE WORLD not the WEILDER OF IT. maybe he had a hand in the catacalysm? IDK I NEED TO ORGANIZE MY THOUGHTS

Key points to keep in mind: 1) pay attention to surtr not surtalogi 2) surtalogi is the weapon not the culprit

NOW vedrfolnir. We literally only have a name. No i dont mean in genshin in mythology itself as well. There is barely anything. All we know is that vedrfolnir is a hawk who sits between the eyes of an eagle perched on top of yggdrasil (who is also unnamed btw)

One particular thing though is that the translations of the name often have something to do with wind. Immidietly I wanna associate this with istaroth which would kinda make sense since vedrfolnir is on top of yggdrasil (irminsul) and istaroth is the god of time irminsul records all events in time past present AND future since the fruits are irminsul contain people's fates etc etc

But then would hoyo really namedrop a primordial shade in the same sentence with two abyss power abusing sinners? Seems somewhat unlikely even with the sinshades theories+ the timeline doesnt add up+ its like two diffrent lore topics entirely. It doesnt help that theres literally nothing about the eagle either so if I have some scrambles thoughts for surtalogi for vedrfolnir I literally have no idea. But I do think two keypoints (only points i mean) to keep in mind are 1) irminsul association 2) wind themed name

#not really a theory #mostly just me using this ask as an excuse to finally put some of this info down on paper #to hopefully come up with an actual theory once I stare at them for long enough #sleepless ranting #i have 20 fact checking tabs open #save for later elaboration

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

#lovely anon #BY THE WAY: do not feel bad or apologise for not answering straight away #you can take your time i know it can be exhausting (not bc its anything bad but just because its so much and so long) to answer to my shit #all at once*#so really i don‘t mind if you take a few days or a week or whatever to respond #or if you want to you can respond bit by bit/topic by topic whenever you feel like it #so you don‘t have to concentrate on an ask and my post for like AN HOUR DLSKJ but rather do it in smaller chunks #if you want <3 #btw i‘m always so scared that i‘ll type lonely anon instead of lovely dldjdjsksk so if i ever do that i‘m just being #(cue your autocorrect dldkdj) a dumb bitch #its 1 am now sorry if there are any mistakes (i‘ll stop apologing from now now lol but i still am sorry you have to read my word vomit lmao)#*apologis #*from now on #omg

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captain-jinguji · 4 years

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Hiya! Big Thx for answering to my last request. I was really curious what would be Starish and QN's reaction if their s/o was an artist and asked to paint them naked and the reaction after they see the painting. Thank you a lot. (btw, im sorry u got sunburned, hope u r better :)) )

Its people like you that keep me going by being nice 😭 so thanks BB I'm fine. It hurt the first couple days but my skin's calming down a lot. And I'm always happy to answer :3 hope this is okay!

Warning: slight NSFW. Nothing graphic but if you're sensitive to that, don't read.

STARISH + QUARTET NIGHT reacting to being painted naked by their s/o

Natsuki:

When you first brought it up, he honestly felt kind of self conscious? He's a big guy so the painting would take a while and it made him blush to think about being naked in front of you for that long, even if you've seen him naked before. However, halfway through the session he calms down and starts to relax, joking, and even commenting on how you should paint both of you together sometime, which will just get him scolded because he's supposed to be still! Once the painting is finished and he sees it, all he can do was stare in awe. You captured everything so perfectly!!! Honestly just amazed at how you can get the painting to look so real and won't stop complimenting for days.

Tokiya:

Not shy per se, but uncomfortable at first. Sure you guys have seen each other naked, plenty of times! But this is like… you staring at him for hours on end and he can't even (make a) move. If you pester him enough though, he'll agree with a sigh and oblige. Don't ask him to smile though because his face doesn't work like that. But that's okay ??? Because the serious look he has on in the painting, with his hand just barely hovering over his package has him staring at himself for hours after the painting is done. Honestly finds himself so hot in the painting and might ask you to make another one.

Cecil:

Draw me like one of your french girls #1. Agrees immediately. Anything for his princess! Strips in such a way that you almost don't want to just paint him anymore. The whole process takes an entire day though because he just. Wont. Shut. Up. You have to remind him that paintings are quiet and dont speak, but that doesnt stop him. Reminds you that he's very tan and the tattoo on his chest has to be just right since its a special symbol from his country. Honestly annoys you half the time, but the painting turns out so good. You even put some fruit and velvet accessories around him to try and emphasize on him and his heritage and God those grapes barely covering his cock really bring it out… 10/10 approves.

Ren:

Draw me like one of your french girls #2. Already stripping before you finish your sentence, but also orders you to strip and paint naked because "I can't be the only one being stared at when i have such a goddess in front of me." You reluctantly agree, though his stare makes you almost mess up a couple times and oh my god the comments he dashes out and the things he says he will do to you after ward have you squirming in place. Ren might be a model with the body of a God but he's playing dirty. But the finished painting? Beautiful. And he says that too. Also says that now whenever he's gone, you'll have something to pleasure yourself to ;)

Otoya:

Blushes and almost passes out. Studders out an answer about how embarrassing that is and why would you want that and omg he's hyperventilating. You have to calmly reassure him that it's just a painting and it won't hurt him. No one else will see it because it will be in you guys' bedroom, or bathroom if he finds that safer. Gives in at some point because he doesn't want to disappoint you and lays down on the couch, completely red. You almost couldnt differentiate between his face and his hair and at some point his thoughts began to wander and uh oh now he's hard. But that's okay because it makes for that much more of a good painting. When he sees it, he's still embarrassed but also amazed by your artistic ability. Still makes you promise that it will go somewhere where no one sees it.

Syo:

Literally shrieks when you bring it up to him. You want what? Why? How? Are you gonna sell it? Has so many questions. You have to reassure him, much like Otoya, that no one else sees it and he'll agree to it. Is also blushing during the session but his is more like a soft pink hue and he tries so hard to keep his thoughts under control. Asks for at least some props to take some of the attention away from him and so you tell him to take out his violin. Have you ever seen a naked man with his violin? No? Have you ever seen a wet artist? Now you have. Both of you were so amazed with the outcome that it was almost cringe. Asks to have it in the bedroom so he can admire himself and also your skills.

Masato:

LMAO have fun convincing him. Least likely of all to be comfortable with this and it will take forever for him to get there. However, if you tell him he can wear his Yukata to cover up some of his skin, like it being draped around his shoulders or hanging over one of his legs, he might be more willing. He just doesnt like to see all of himself naked so at least respect that aspect. Also demands you make him melon bread after this. Is also a blushing mess during the session, worse than otoya even and you have to remind him to breathe every once in a while because youre genuinely scared he might pass out. Once the painting is done, though, he will actually be shook. He looks so good? And might he even say, sexy? Is this really him? Plz give this boy some love ;-;

Reiji:

Draw me like one of your french girls #3. Much like Ren, he's also stripping and trying out different poses. Want his butt in the air? His dick hard and erect? A hand sliding down his happy trail? Honestly tries to make this more of a porno than it has to be. Also demands some sexy time for his "hard work of sitting there doing nothing when you can stare at his naked glory for as long as you want" poor Reiji pulls the pouty lip and all and its honestly cute so you agree. You have him lay on the couch, hands crossed behind his head and his legs spread open, one popped up on the couch and the other steady on the floor. The finished result? Puts Michaelangelo to shame. At least according to reiji. Kisses your neck as he admires your art and kindly reminds you that even though he's the painting, you still have to pay your debt.

Ranmaru:

Draw me like one of your french girls #4. Honestly so not opposed to the idea at all. Has so much confidence going into this and is hella smug about it. However, once he actually has been against the red velvet pillows with a leather gloved finger between his teeth for twenty minutes or so, he starts to blush. Didnt realize you had to stare at him for this long and though he's comfortable being naked in front of you, he still feels a little too watched under your gaze. On the other hand, you were patting your own shoulder because oh my lord your man is hot. Leather is his thing. You can feel yourself being turned on by your own idea and when you see your finished painting you stare at it in awe for so long that Ranmaru becomes worried. Asks if its wrong, if it was the wrong angle, etc… but when he sees it for himself, he gets that smug grin back on his face. "Damn babe. I look hot."

Camus:

Knows you can paint well. Has all the confidence in the world. Totally down to do this. But "Don't waste his time" and "I'm expecting you to capture all of me in all my glory" has you kind of scared to mess up. Camus is beautiful and he knows it. Wont settle for less. You have him sprawled out on his silk bed, a hand resting against the side of his head and a book as a prop, gently laid against the upper side of his chest. You call it "sophisticated grace". But oh dear Camus knows exactly what he's doing and he's purposefully giving you the bedroom eyes during the whole session, his crystal blues covered by a dark lust. You take in a deep breath a couple of times and wonder if you can actually last through this without jumping on him, but you do and once you're done, Camus comes up behind you and analyzes the painting like it's the most important thing on this planet. He doesn't say anything though and it has you worried that he doesnt like it and saw too many flaws but the next thing you feel is his hot breath against your neck and his low voice whispering in your ear, "I believe you deserve payment for this."

Ai:

Confused? Why would you want to paint him? Humans are weird. He's so cute and innocent and it almost makes you giggle. He agrees to it though because he's interested in how you'd capture him and so he poses for you in one of the white, deep seated chairs that's in the corner of your living room. His skin is flawless and the early morning sun is at just the right angle, coming through the window that it makes his whole being glow up golden. It's better than the sistine Chapel. It's divine and you blush at the thought of this being your man. So catches that of course, and smiles to himself. He feels a sense of pride that you chose him for such an...intimate painting and he's sure to properly thank you later. The finished product has him in awe. He looks so good? Like an angel. And he thanks you with a deep kiss for making him look like that.

#uta no prince sama #uta no prince shining live #utapri starish stillnotsorry #best anime #quartet night #starish #utanoprincesama #utapri headcanons #natsuki shinomiya #ichinose tokiya #cecil aijima #ren jinguji #otoya ittoki #kurusu syo #hijirikawa masato #reiji kotobuki #ranmaru kurosaki #camus #ai mikaze

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crowsent · 5 years

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👶,⭐,💘, and💻. Love you!!

thank you for ask anon! writer ask game is here if yall wanna send in something. still taking asks for these btw

👶- advice for new writers =

yall this is hella fucking generic but PRACTISE. theres a reason almost literally every writer on tumblr gives the advise of “practise practise practise” and that reason is it works. practise doesnt mean ‘oh just write bc youll automatically get better over time’ it means ‘write bc if you dont, you wont figure out what you need to improve.’ did yall know that i literally had no sentence variation in the past? i started every sentence with [character name] or [character pronoun] and i didnt realise until i was 15/16 and i only realised bc i started writing a lot.

i think there’s a fear of failure with new writers. there’s this lingering doubt of “what if its not good?” and boy howdy i will answer that question right fucking now. it wont be good. when i compare my current work to my earlier work, my earlier work sucked fucking shit. i spelled soldier with a fucking ‘j’ and i had no idea what the hell a point of view was. and thats okay. whoever tells you that youre going to perfect writing is a fucking liar. there is no perfecting writing. 20 years from now, imma look at the writing from today and im gonna think it sucks shit. writing is a process. its a craft. you get better and better over time and the way you get better is by experimenting w different styles, different genres, different ways of writing.

and the only way you can experiment and improve is through practise. in video games, especially rpgs (which are my favourite kind of video games), you struggle in the early game. youre at a low level, you dont have good equipment, you have a hard time moving to the next area. but the only way you progress is by grinding, gaining levels, and getting stronger. same w writing. if youre a level 1 writer, just starting out, no idea what to do, just experiment. fuck around a bit. write crackships, write rarepairs, write niche self-indulgent reader/character fics. at the end of the day, you should write for yourself. its good and cool if other people like your stuff and validate all your hard work, but at the end of the day, the one who should enjoy your writing the most is yourself.

you WILL mess up and you WILL struggle, but thats the only way you can improve. i struggle with pacing the most. still do. but others might have pacing down pat and struggle instead with word choice or pov or something else. cant figure out where you need to improve if you dont write, so just practise and worry about all the fine print later

⭐️- how do you get your inspiration? =

this is definitely not universal, but i just sit on my bed, close my eyes, and meditate. cycle through all my emotions and thoughts and filter them out. then i just toss everything out the damn window. like. id just meditate for a while, focus on breathing, on experiencing the present, picture a field and a tree and myself and breathe. thoughts fly by and i let them happen but dont focus on it.

meditating gives me some semblance of emotional control bc i normally have none, and it gives me kind of this space. this safe space that only exists for me and me alone. so i use that space to let the world drift away. just me and my thoughts and sometimes, those thoughts end up being good writing ideas. but i usually meditate for a set amount of time. like 15 minutes or 30 minutes so i dont write until i finish meditating.

then when i get out of my headspace, i open up my laptop and see what i remember. thinking too hard about something causes it to muddy up. same with art. in digital art, artists flip the canvas to refresh their eyes, see if there’s anything weird or wonky about the illustration that they normally dont see bc theyve gotten used to it. flipping the canvas is like giving our eyes a jumpstart and lets us see what we could do better. in traditional art, its turning the canvas this way and that or repositioning yourself. meditating is like that. a break. a cleanse. a kind of pause where you dont think about anything and just try to process what you already have. you relax and kind of let yourself float down a river of thoughts and sometimes, a fish would jump out of that river and youd go “hey, thats a good idea. i should try that” so when you get out of the river, youre refreshed and ready to go.

same principle with showers. more ideas come to you in the shower when you dont have anything to write with bc youre not thinking about it. youre not focusing on finding inspiration or motivation so ideas naturally flow through you. you know that feeling when you want to do x then someone comes along and says “hey you should do x” and suddenly all motivation to do x leaves? same w your brain. focus too much on “i should be writing” or “i want inspiration” and its never gonna come. just let things happen. at least, thats how i do it. some people might get inspiration by reading or watching tv. everyones different so if thats not what works out for you, dont feel pressured to try my method

💘- what’s your favorite AU? Least favorite? =

magic au. specifically fantasy au set in like a pre-modern era. shows like avatar where theres all this magic and fantastical beasts and so on and so forth. semi-modern like six of crows and nevernight are great too. i want that magic to be woven into people’s lives. harry potter is okay but there’s like this separation between magic and muggle. there’s this feeling of “magic” but like as a tool. like a spoon or a gun or a shovel. i want magic au’s that are INTEGRATED with the world its set in.

like in atla, earth kingdom people have trains they move with bending while fire nation people have machines powered by heat and steam. both correspond to their bending and makes sense for the world they live in. but if your plot is like harry potter and its less worldbuilding and more action, then there’s this book series called seasons rising (read it. so good) where there’s a bunch of spells but the spells have character. the people using the spells GIVE it character and it feels much more intimate. pokemon does the whole fantasy mixed w reality better. give two trainers the exact same pokemon and by the time that pokemon reaches lvl 50, its gonna have a different moveset, different fight style, etc bc it was shaped by the world and people around it. i like harry potter but tbh it could have been so much better

for the least favourite au, it’s A/B/O i dont like the whole “omegas are only good for breeding hurr durr” and “alphas are violent and aggressive and cant control themselves around omegas” thing and it squicks me out. major squick. i read the original harry potter squick (THAT one. yeah. you know the one) and i still hate a/b/o more. i get why people like it, and there are one or two fics set in a/b/o au that i enjoy reading, but as a whole, i severely dislike a/b/o fics.

the themes are squick, the character dynamics get so messed up, and shipping dynamics (bc a/b/o fics usually have shipping) just get so blown out of proportion. there are so many a/b/o fics that turn ooc or the character interpretations radically change or something else. no hate against a/b/o fans bc yall are amazing for writing/drawing yalls au. there are things that you can only do in this setting and exploring those things can be incredibly fun for people, but for me personally, its not an au i like to visit.

💻- three works of yours that are must reads =

i. dont know what fandom youre in anon or your genre preferences. so ill just rec you one fic for a different fandom each with kind of different genres. ts masterlist is on my side @hufflepuff-deceit and regular fanfic masterlist is on my writing blog @crownonymous

(BNHA) Viper. its my first serious attempt at fanfic in YEARS and its my baby. currently has 7 chapters, i havent updated it in a while bc im hyperfocused on ts rn, but i love it to bits. its just all of my fav bnha fics crammed into one fic. quirkless kind of villain izuku with stain as a mentor as they work together to bring light to the injustices of hero society and where bakugos bullying has visible and long-lasting repercussions? sign me the fuck up. you can read it on ao3 HERE bc its not on tumblr. kind of fast-paced, has a lot more action scenes than anything else ive written. heavy plot-wise but has a lot of humour and comedy to break things up

(Kimetsu no Yaiba) I Pray To God He Hears You. not related to my other kny fic oleander which is a multichap retelling au. iptghhy is a standalone one-shot and kind of a character study on one giyuu tomioka. i love him so much. giyuu is my baby and i adore him. so of course i wrote a sad fic focusing on him. well technically, the fic focuses on giyuu AND his relationships. SPOILERS for chapters 130 and 131 of the manga. focuses mostly on giyuu and sabito, but there’s a fair bit of giyuu and tanjiro and urokodaki. you can read it HERE bc this is also not on tumblr. also deals with heavy things but more emotion-wise since it doesnt have that much of a plot. loss. grief. moving on. survivors guilt. that kind of stuff. very sad. hurt but with comfort, especially at the end.

(Sanders Sides) Logan’s Birthday Fic: Logicality. just what the title says. i wrote 5 different fics and published them all on logans bday but the logicality one received the most feedback and honestly? the cutest of the bunch. its gonna be crossposted onto ao3 but for now, you can read it HERE on my ts sideblog. theres no plot since its literally just domestic and relationship fluff. and puns. patton is in the fic, theres gonna be puns. nothing but good things and warm feelings bc logan deserves it.

thank you so much for such interesting asks anon! i enjoyed answering these. have a lovely day!

#crowsas answers #kny #bnha #sanders sides

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bonbonswirl-blog · 5 years

Text

Locked up

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. U think the title is deep but it isnt, btw Friendship is hard with these two so u wont enjoy XD

It was a typical morning, it was a growing patches of blue, the sort of hue that is soft and bright at the same time. Though beneath the sheet of cloud is a grey that deepens to steel, the leading edge is a brilliant white, as if it is the pages of a new book ready for any curious eye. Blondie, henry and samuel were the first visitor for the studio, each going to his own office and start his work, samuel went to the empty recording room. He felt something was out place, something is missing, he didnt catch what is it, he looked around trying to recall and count the musical instruments, now he figured it out, his piano is missing!! Where is it?! At the same moment he heard a voice of something rubbing againist the floor, he turned around and saw someone pushing his lost piano inside the room, only to reveal mike, that made samuel angry. "Would you like to explain why was that piano with you?" "What do you think the reason?!" "I dont know!! You trying to pull some sort of a joke!!" "What?! No! I didnt pull a prank! Even if I did I dont pull it out like this!!" "You know just- lets get back to work queitly without breaking another banjo please." "Jeez samuel, I wont! Why are you so negative about everyone?!" "Did you see me be negative around someone who doesnt break an instrument every two days?! Eventually your whole month payment will be wasted!!" "Oh really!!" The echo of the forcefully slammed door pervading through the place, it was the time for the two musicians daily argument, they never argued with their fists but their words packed a powerful punches. After a few minutes the shouting match was over, both still filled irritation, mike wanted to end this and go to another room. But when he turned down handle, the door didnt open...he tried again and again, no use. He tried closing all his fingers around the handle to twist it with his bare hands using all his arms muscles, it was all in vain. The door stood stubbornly in its place. They both knew what did that mean.

They are both trapped alone in this room together.

Samuel mind didnt process the idea, out of all the people who could be locked up with him, its mike?!? His enemy! Seriously?! And the same thing could have been said for the banjoist. "What have you done!!" "Me? The doorknob was already broken!!" "Whats going on there?!" They both stopped another fight when they heard a voice talking from the outside, finally someone is their to end the proplem. "Murphy! We are locked in here! Please bring something and open this door QUICKLY!!!" "The door wont open?! Mmmmm, I think I can fix this proplem but...it may take a little time to find the tool I need." "What?! Murph please bring it now and hurry up!" "Ok Ok, its just a broken door, that wont disturb you from your jobs, you can just go back to working while I search ok?" "No please murphy!! dont leave me here!!-" Too late because murphy had already left them, they knew from the sound of the running footsteps. Both the mad men looked at each other, with a look that could be described by one word, disgust.

Another few minutes had passed and murphy still didnt come back, for some reason, each one of the two was sitting on a corner, knees to chest, arms crossed and backs facing each other, refusing to take any glimpse at the other face, anger may be turned inside to themselves as the attraction dissonance increases, hate spreading throughout their entire system, shutting down all other feelings, becoming central to the situation, they hoped this nightmare would end soon at any second. "I hate you!" "I dont care mike! Dont even speak to me!" "Then dont even look at me!" "Then why are you looking at me!" "I am not! And thats mean you are still looking at md! I said dont even take a peek at me birdie!" "Stop calling me that name!" "Well stop yelling at me!!" "You dont even make any sense!!" "Can any sense be seen by those glasses!" "These glasses are WAY better than your messy hair summerson!" " Oh please! How can ANYONE dislike this flowing gleaming hair~" "Stop acting like some Ľoréal paris commercials and Shut up!!" "And what if I dont shut up?" "OH Y-" They both stopped fighting when a sound of some tiny broken metallic chunks fell from under the piano, hitting the ground in a very low voice. "Oopsie...." mike whispered under his breath, that wasnt supposed to happen....."I KNEW It!! I Knew That You Were Up To Something When You Toke The Piano With You!!" "Sam wait!! I wil-" "What And How Much Damage Did You Cause Michael?! And WHY Did You Do That To My Piano?! You Want Me To Suffer More Through This Glum Job?! What Else You Have Inside That Head?!" "You Got It All Wrong! Why Dont You Try That Piano First Before Talking!" "Oh Really!! WHY? You Want To Try And Prove My 'Bad Skills' At Pressing Those Keys And Tell Me I Dont Have Much proficiency In Music And Songs?!" "No! You Have Such A Versatility in The piano!!" "OH YA-..............Wait What??!?" "I Said-......." Both mike and samuel had a full minute of silence, staring at each other in disbelief, their minds trying to process what did mike just say, is that really true? Did mike just said his first nice words? If that was true...a shudder will run through samuel, it was like mike came to know the depths of his humanity. "Did You Just say I have versatility in the piano?!" "No!!" No matter how much mike will try to deny it, samuel had already heard the sentence. "Of..Ofcourse I will have much versatility on the piano!!" "You dont!" "But you just admitted it!!" "That...That slipped out accidently!" "Well it was something that was floating in your mind then."

They both stood still when they heard some noises from outside the room, the door was shaking slightly until finally, someone opened it, it was murphy who found his tool and unlocked the door, finding an exit for both, everything was over. "Im glad you didnt kill each other while I was gone." Mike gave samuel an unsure look and walked past him, leaving him alone in the recording room to do his work.

Samuel still remembers when mike told him to give the piano a try. Azure blue eyes scaning it, he did notice it feels a little more different thean before, its shiny, pitch black, row of pure ivory keys, They shimmer in the recording room light as if they are the moon on a starry night, Everything was still there but more cleaner. He sat down to check preparing to check if it will work properly, swift fingers shifting from here and there, the sound the keys created was great, the music he sang went with the beat, stirs wonders in his soul. No harm was caused by mike, It was same piano he always function on. After he finished, he sensed the inner peace. Yesterday night was being reminded, oh how he had a hard with the notes because the piano wasnt working right, didnt give him the desired results needed. He took another glance at the piano, he noticed that on the side curling golden letters spell "Samuel" such a beautiful and elegant name. because its his. When he toke a break he left the recording room walking in the halls, he saw someone from away sitting and fixing something, it was mike focusing on reading the instructions paper of how to fix a banjo strings, next to it another one related to the piano.

Maybe that lock up wasnt the worst thing he experienced.

#brueklynn #samuel churcher #mike summerson

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smallblanketfort · 7 years

Note

do you have tips on taking notes?

yes!! i have many, so i tried to make it easier for you to navigate :)

L O N G post ahead of you, covering lecture notes and readings notes, from a college senior :)

lecture notes:

i suggest using a notebook and pen, physically writing down. it’s easier to study, and since it’s using your body, you have a much higher retention rate on your side than if you use a laptop.

i have used my laptop for taking notes before. it’s easier to take more notes, word for word, but that’s not always helpful. maybe that’s your style, especially if you enjoy rewriting your notes all pretty and more successfully when you get home. i am not that girl.

more notes does not always equal better! it’s good for you to listen actively, selecting what is important and what is not. i take very thorough notes. i take a lot of notes. if you need notes for a missed class, i. am. your. girl. that doesn’t mean i write out everything word for word. selecting details, clauses, and images really helps me to not only keep up, but also to memorize later. plus, when you’re typing, it’s easier to type all the words out without really processing the whole meaning. remember that dense notes are harder to study

finally, when you write by hand, you can get more creative with your style. occasionally, i’ll web notes out from one, rather than a traditional outline, bc it makes more sense for the topic

it also helps my anxiety! so much! if i force myself to take great in depth notes, then my mind has to dedicate more brain space to the task at hand than to my anxieties.

stick to one of these though. it really sucks to get into a test and realize you didn’t study half of your notes bc you forgot half were on your laptop. it’s awful lol.

if you use a laptop, get used to how it works first. do u know how much i resent trying to switch from a bullet that is under other bullets (like this one, not filled in) to a main point bullet (the ones filled in). it can be so confusing. also make sure you use a program you like. you can take directly into documents, but i find that i really love evernote, as i can make notebooks for classes, stacks of notebooks for my college, and that i can tag notes with specific classes and topics.

if you’re on paper, for fuck’s sake, divide your notebook into sections for classes. keep it all together. those notebooks with handy dandy dividers are so helpful, and they keep you from carrying around 5 notebooks at once.

i wouldn’t worry too much about highlighters and such in class. there’s just so much going on then. save highlighting and color coding for later, and count it as studying.

don’t worry about traditional outlining styles, with roman numerals or whatever. i take notes very simply. bullets/dashes, subnotes under a broad note.

do it how it makes sense to you! maybe that includes different bullet styles, different places for different types of information (on a simple level, i start writing chapter numbers and titles as far to the left as i can go, over the margins, in bold and capital letters. i also usually go over these later in a certain color marker)

in some classes it is helpful for me to write the topic along the top of the page in a highlighter (color coding is lovely) the main idea/topic for each page. the classes this was most obviously helpful in were astronomy (COMETS or BLACKHOLES etc) and shakespeare (MUCH ADO ACT 2 or ROMEO etc)

it’s easiest to just note page numbers of referenced complex diagrams, as they are usually in your reading or accessible online

your style might look different in each class. whatever works.

note everything (everything) your professor writes on the board. if it’s important enough for your professor to write it, it’s probably important enough for you to write it.

note examples only if it’s helpful for your memory. however, make light note of things like famous people and their science/psych experiments. but in math and such, note! the! examples! and! reasons! will help you so much.

examples that have emotion, imagery, or sound are going to be more helpful. applicable examples are most helpful. good professors will lecture you accordingly. lazy ones will not.

star anything that the professor stresses or hints will be tested. anything that they say is a major theme or whatever.

note main ideas/points/themes, definitions, conclusions,

use your tests to help you figure out what you need to know. ask questions about the tests too. in every class i’ve taken, i’m totally shocked at how willingly people ask about exam format and how willingly the professor will tell us how it will work. they want you to succeed.

people learn differently! i suggest taking notes in class and later adding touches that help you. count it as study time too. a warm up, if you will.

if you’re visual, this might include highlighting, color coding, drawing diagrams, etc.

if you’re an auditory learner, reading the notes out loud and organizing them accordingly, as well as making up rhymes, rhythms and such, might help you. some auditory learners actually like to record lectures and listen to them later.

if you learn best through movement, rewriting or making flashcards will be great for you.

sometimes professors go really. fuckin. fast. why. idk? but

dont be afraid to ask them to go back a slide bc i guarantee, you will be the class hero for asking

develop a little bit of shorthand. sometimes i end up using initials, arrows, abbreviations… this is where i got “bc” and “thru” and “u” and such. lol. also, list things vertically, rather than using commas and “and/&/+) it’ll be more clear later

some professors you literally cannot take notes on. it sucks. you’re going to need to do the readings and pick their brains on how the test will be to figure out how to prepare. take home tests are your best friend. thank god for them. seriously. get your butt to church and do some worshipping.

if your professor puts powerpoints online, save the powerpoints, ya never know.

look at inspiration if you want, but remember that notes on studyblr are usually copied from class notes. if you’re too focused on how pretty your notes are, good luck to you

finally, the day before an exam, i review my notes that i have (hopefully) been studying. i like to make a one page cheat sheet / study guide on everything i didn’t remember, leaving out everything i understand, memorized, or want to disregard.

reading notes:

ima be real and tell you i hardly ever do reading unless i will be tested on it in class in multiple choice. and im an english student. ye i suck, i know. i dont condone shirking the system but u know what, reading shakespeare or 18th century lit literally makes me want to kill myself. so, im a senior in college, and have barely ever done the reading for a class. the thing is, if you do it right, anything is better than just reading the words on the page and not getting the meaning. dont be a reading zombie. read actively, even if it’s not the actual reading. doing this, i have a 3.9 gpa. so. there’s hope for us yet.

first of all, yall need to do your damn reading. idc how. but due to the fact that a test will be multiple choice, essay answer, a presentation, or a paper, you’re going to not love pulling nothing out of your ass. can be done tho. just be fake deep.

that being said, i’m writing a lot below, but the reality is that if it’s lit, your notes dont have to be longer than a sentence. if it’s a textbook, more.

the same formatting question comes into play here, except it’s should you take notes in your book or in a notebook?

listen i’m always going to be pro notebook, pro physically writing it out as it helps me really get the information into my head, rather than more passively highlighting

i tend to do both, if im willing to mark up a book. i underline and highlight things that stick out to me, and i write them down as well. sometimes when reading literature/essays, if i know the contextual/meaning notes will be interesting to me later, i will copy notes both into my notebook and also less in depth onto post it notes (which also make sweet little flashcards btw), which i will stick into the passage. this is so helpful when a) im reading it again later and b) when we are discussing a passage in class

buy used books. it’s cheaper. until it happens to u, u do NOT UNDERSTAND how EXCITING it is to get a book that has highlights and underlines in it ALREADY. DUDE. my work is basically DONE for me. now take that lightly, bc often different ppl will highlight different pieces of information. however, it is helpful.

look up summaries. do not simply rely on cliffsnotes and sparknotes, esp since professors are very aware of these. google “title of book, summary, chapter notes, whatever youre looking for” and use the blog posts, the book reviews, the papers that come up. does this method probably take a bit longer? maybe? but it’s easier on my tired brain.

if you don’t have time to read your textbook one day and really want to, read the introduction and the conclusion to the chapter, or the first and last sentences to the paragraphs. it’s not great, but it’s something.

like your lectures, note definitions, conclusions, and helpful examples, as well as people and dates. if i’m reading literature and i’m deciding to be a smart student i will keep several logs as well. these logs will make it so. easy. to study for your exam:

updated character lists, including name, relationships, and anything defining and important

scene/chapter summaries, just a sentence summarizing what happened where

any quotes or themes that stand out

i highly highly highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of the well educated mind for note taking on a range of genres. this is what i had to use through high school and while it’s involved, it’s incredibly helpful.

if you’re going to have to cite your notes, note the page number in the margin every time you flip the page

the biggest issue i have with reading is when and where to do it. before or after class? always ask your professor if they do not tell you. where in your notebooks? i always do it on the next blank page bc leaving space stresses me the fuck out. make notes on the top of your pages of corresponding lectures/readings.

for both lectures and readings i really really really suggest either having something to drink or something to snack on (think fruit, loose nuts, m&ms. small loose things rather than things u bite? idk they just last longer?)

okay i hope this was somewhat helpful even tho it’s an incredibly longwinded post. it seems like a lot, but the reality is that while i take a lot of notes, i don’t make them complicated, i don’t have rules, i just do what feels right in the moment. they’re not at all stressful. just take it easy and do whatever works for you :)

if anyone has other tips, feel free to reply :)

#school

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princess-of-embarrassment · 4 years

Text

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!).

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it??? so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet.

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other.

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

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