#they set scenes on boats just to flex on bitches | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vixenpen · 4 years

Text

Neighbors

(Hawks x Miku x Bakugo)

Chap.6 Daddy💦💦💦

The warmth between her legs was familiar. A dull thrum of pleasure spread from her core through out her entire body.

Miku’s hips undulated, her body desperate for more.

Scenes and faces blurred before her eyes, painting a confusing tapestry of shapes and colors.

Brown hair. Blonde hair. Soft cheeks. Rough hands.

Golden eyes that smoldered and teased.

“You like that, Angel?” He smirked up at her.

“Yessss...” she sighed.

She held his head in place, back arching as his tongue danced around her clit. His fingers flexed, sending a sharp, electrifying pleasure zipping through Miku’s body.

“My Dove.”

Dove?

“You taste so good.”

That voice...

Lips tasted her dark skin from her thighs to her toned stomach to her big breasts until they reached her lips.

She laced her fingers through his soft, blonde hair and kissed back with just as much fervency as he was giving her.

Blinking the sleep from her eyes, she mumbled: “Katsu...”

“Morning, Dove.” He grinned back at her.

“H-how did...what are you doing here?” She sat up, causing the sheets to slip down her bare body.

“I felt bad for missing out on dinner last night so I wanted to surprise you this morning.”

“You...” she blinked again in surprise, “baby, that’s so sweet.”

“So are you,” He grinned. “I was supposed to making breakfast in bed, but uhh, I got a little hungry myself.” He smirked, licking his lips.

Miku snorted. Bakugo kissed her once more before hoisting himself off of her.

“Chill here, I’ll get Your breakfast.”

As her boyfriend ambled through the kitchen, Miku’s mind wandered over the very lucid dream she had just woken up from. She barely knew this man. He had hardly touched her, and yet, that touch felt as if it had burned itself into Miku’s very memory.

As Bakugo re-emerged with a bowl of homemade oatmeal and fresh fruit He quizzed: “Did Konan come over last night or something?”

“Huh?”

“The glasses and plates. I noticed there were two sets.”

Miku slowly dig into her breakfast as she replied.

“No, ah, Hawks came over for dinner.”

Bakugo’s handsome face clouded with anger, immediately.

“He what?” He asked in a voice much calmer than his expression.

Oh fuck...

“Look, I told him I would make him dinner sometime as a thank you for helping me move in.”

“I told you about dealing with that guy, Miku.”

“Don’t start.” She rolled her eyes. “It was a simple dinner.”

“A simple dinner that required you two to drink an entire bottle of wine?” He snapped back, crossing his arms. Miku’s gaze hardened, defensively.

“What are you trying to imply?”

“What the hell should I be trying to imply?“

“Katsuki,” Miku sighed, “it’s too early in the morning to do this shit, can we just eat our food? Please.”

“Nah, fuck that. I’m only gonna say this once, Miku, I don’t want that dude in here if I’m not here.”

“Excuse the fuck outta you,” Miku’s neck rolled with her growing anger. “I’ll have whoever the fuck I want over at my house.”

“Not with my name on the lease, you won’t.”

“Oh ho, so you’re gonna dangle the lease in my face now,” Miku sat her tray to the side. “You think Cuz you paid for a little condo, you’re what? My daddy now or somethin’? Baby boy don’t you ever forget that I don’t need a nigga for an apartment, a car, a boat or shit else. Ive never known Sessui Shirogane a day in my life, so unless you’re him, don’t talk to me like you’re my daddy.” Tossing off the sheets, she hopped out the bed in a huff.

“Where The fuck do you think you’re goin’?” Bakugo demanded, gaping at her in anger.

“To get ready for work.”

“Miku, I’m not done talking to you.”

“Well, I’m done talkin to you, so you and your breakfast and get the fuck out.”

Before she couldn’t even get two steps away from her bed, Bakugo gripped her wrist, sending her hurtling back first against the soft pillows.

He was on top of her in an instant, his red eyes flashing with anger and lust. She could feel his erection rubbing against her still sensitive clit.

Her chest heaved. The fire was back and more intense than before.

Pinning both her wrists above her head, Bakugo freed his throbbing erection from his jogging pants.

“What you not gone do this morning, Dove, is talk shit to me in my house. Understand?”

“Fuck you.” She shot back.

A growl clawed it’s way from his throat and in one movement, he plunged into her.

“Ahh, fuck!” Miku exclaimed

Bakugo grabbed her throat. His hips bucked against her own, thick dick pummeling her pulsing wet walls until the only sound were the gushy smacking sounds of him inside her.

“Ka-Katsu, Katsu-ki,” Miku choked out.

The deep pressure inside her had her clawing at his back.

“Yeah,” he growled into her ear. “This shuts you the fuck up doesn’t it? I know how to shut your ass up.”

“Oh...god..”

It hurt so good, her own hips were snapping up to meet his—drool trickling from the side of her gaping mouth.

“That nasty little mouth of yours is only good for suckin this dick, you understand, Swan? Huh?”

He was met with garbled groans and broken sentences.

“Say it, Miku,” he bit her ear before hoisting her thick, dark thighs above her head.

He groaned low in his throat at the deeper angle. Her plush pussy was practically swallowing his dick.

“Wet as a mutha fucka,” He chuckled. “You’re mine, Angel, understand? I own this pussy. Now whose your daddy?”

Mustering what energy she could, she hacked up all the moisture she could manage and spat on his cheek.

SMACK!

Her cheek smarted on the impact.

“Oh you wanna play like that, huh bitch?” A feral grin crossed his face. “Alright then.”

He pulled out of her. Before Miku could whine in protest, she felt him sink slowly into her ass.

“OHH GOD!”

He chuckled through his own groans. Eschewing the usually steady pace they usually started with in anal, he hammered into her.

“Oh gaah, fuck, fuck, fuck! Yesss! Shit!”

His face hovered in her vision completely as he glowered at her. He grabbed her jaw roughly.

“Now, who the fuck is your daddy?” He ground out.

Tears stung the corner of her eyes.

“You,” she croaked.

“What was that sweetness?” He rocked his hips slower, punishing her with the slowed pace

“You,” Miku sobbed out, needing her release too desperately to fight anymore. “You daddy. You! Fucking you are.”

“You’re god damn right.” He smirked.

And then the orgasm crashed over both of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again, Keigo was faced with a familiar unfriendly face. He stepped back to allow the younger hero to get off the elevator.

“We gotta stop meeting like this.” Keigo quipped.

“Go back to Fukuoka and we will.” Bakugo shot back, stepping up in the man’s face with his arms crossed.

The blonde cocked his head, wearing his signature nonchalanct smirk.

“Ya know man, I’m starting to think you have a problem with me.”

“Cut the crap, Hawks,” Bakugo spat, “Stay the hell away from Miku.”

“Gonna be pretty hard to stay away from her when she’s right on top of me.” The older man replied, coolly.

His slick choice of words made Bakugo’s heart hammer in his chest angrily. He snatched the winged hero up by the collar.

“The fuck Did you just say?!”

Before Keigo could respond, the room next door creaked open. Out popped the head of little Mrs. Abe, an aging Enka singer. She was wearing a worried expression on her weathered face

“H-Hawks? Is everything ok?” She asked, eying Bakugo’s hostile stance.

“Everything’s fine, Mrs. Abe!” Keigo grinned back at her. “Just a little chit chat with an old friend.”

Mrs. Abe looked less than convinced and more than a little worried, but she nodded. “Ok then,” and ducked back inside.

Using the distraction to his advantage, Keigo shoved out of the irate man’s grip. He kept his expression neutral, but couldn’t help the hard edge in his voice.

“Look man, I don’t what your problem is, but there’s nothing going on between Miku and I.”

“Of course there isn’t, ‘cuz you haven’t made your move yet, but I know you Hawks. You’re not as slick as you think you are. I see the way you look at her-“

“And how is that?” He chuckled, stepping closer to the blonde. “Is it the same way you look at me?”

Confusion flitted across Bakugo’s face.

“What?”

“You know what I mean. Sometimes you don’t know if you wanna tell me to go fuck myself or if you wanna do it for me. That hate boner you’ve got going for me must be very confusing for you. Unfortunately for you, kid, I don’t bend over for nobody. Especially hot headed man children with anger issues. If you’re that worried about somebody stealing Miku away from you, maybe you should ask yourself where you went wrong to be this insecure in your relationship instead of trying to step to someone you can’t touch on or off the field.” He stepped around the fuming younger man to press the first floor button. “Mind The business that pays you kid, not mine.”

With that final jab, the doors slid shut in Bakugo’s gawking face.

#Spotify #katsuki bakugo smut #bakugo smut #hawks smut #keigo takami x oc #hawks x oc #relationship drama #messy relationships #black anime characters #black female characters #bnha imagines #my hero academia #bnha #bnha scenarios #bnha smut #love triangle #my hero #my hero oc

78 notes · View notes

thedudoircollection · 3 years

Text

Male Boudoir…Is Arkansas Ready?!?

Being a self-proclaimed “fat boy, ”I have for the longest time talked and advocated for body positivity and learning to love every single inch of yourself. Not to say that I have mastered this in my own personal life, but I am working on it daily.

I feel that we as humans should learn to accept and love our bodies, every single inch of it. Hell, women have been doing it for years! Celebrating and recording themselves in print with boudoir sessions, which have been increasing in popularity in recent years, to know a hugely successful genre in the photography industry. Well…….move over bitches…..it’s our turn! But is Arkansas ready for it???!

Arkansas men need to be BIG and STRONG and perfectly chiseled – we are in the south were our men are cornfed and work the fields! Right?!? The perfect arms, perfect hair, muscular, and chiseled, and private! It’s ok to take your shirt off when working on your car or in the boat at the lake, but to pose in your underwear for pictures?!? Or naked?!?!? I can hear the pearls falling on the floor now as we speak!

I’ve always been fascinated with the human body, be it male or female. There is just something about the curves and shapes that is quite beautiful. I’ve shot many boudoir sessions, then started inviting the male partners for a few shots but then as the new “dudoir” was heating up across America and other parts of the world thought that we might give it a try. I put out a model call and…..crickets! Again reannounced the model call to nothing again. I then started contacting models to see if anyone was interested at all, nobody would commit to shooting it. I was getting discouraged to say the least. I then talked to an old fried of mine, Eric D and he stated that he had wanted to try one and that he would love to post for it. At the same time a new emerging model Roman also agreed to shoot.

We decided that I would rent a room at a local hotel and we would shoot their sessions there. To say the least we were all pretty nervous about this but we set up shop and shot the sessions. Once the camera started clicking and the nerves started going away, we made some pretty incredible art that day. I’ve aways been drawn to a more artistic shot than just a nude for the sake of being nude, so at the end of the day were were pretty please with what we had done. About a week or two later I met another model out by the river and we shot the images that were my first male nudes to be published by Vogue Italia. I was on a role! Or so I thought.

Still trying to get models on board with this type of shoot, especially here in the middle of The Bible Belt was like asking them to donate a kidney. Over and over I kept hearing excuse after excuse about being ‘too fat”, “not skinny enough”, “I don’t look like a model”, over and over again! Again I was very discouraged.

It was then that I decided that I wanted to do a series on male boudoir to not only expand my gallery and its diversity but to explore a different side of boudoir and really exemplify the inclusivity of body-positive boudoir.

I then invited a few of my “fat friends” out to the studio to shoot some images and we were calling the series “Body Positivity Project for Men.” As we explored this and more and more guys were coming in for shoots, I realized just how powerful this thing was becoming. One day while we were waiting for a model to show, my buddy Ben grabbed the camera and said that he would take a few shots of me. Of course, I thought there is NO WAY I’m going to do this, but I gave in and for the first time allowed myself to be photographed in my underwear and without a shirt. It was the scariest and most eye-opening thing I think I’ve ever done. I was terrified but then I closed my eyes and just lost myself in the moment. It was beautiful and I am so proud that I did it. I have heard from many at just how much that project helped them to accept and love themselves.

We then were ready to go to book more guys in for this experience for themselves. Slowly but surely more and more guys were coming into the studio for sessions and we were getting a following! I was thrilled!

In our shoots we are not aiming for a traditional “burly man – flex your muscles” kind of shoot. I try to have my guys posing in natural positions but have a vulnerability to them. Men have been conditioned to NOT share this side of themselves. That emotions and vulnerability make men weak. This is NOT easy for most guys, but once they get the hang of it and start getting into the session it becomes much easier.

I always say that dudoir is not for the weak, and I stand by my statement today. It doesn’t make you weak! In fact, I think sharing getting in touch with yourself, and showing vulnerability makes a man strong and feel powerful. These will be images my clients will cherish for the rest of their lives. Because, just like my female clients, our bodies are ever-changing. Just think how much you will cherish these when you’ve reached your 80’s.

I want everyone to remember, male boudoir is for ALL bodies. You don’t have to have washboard abs, beautiful hair, or glowing skin to love yourself and be proud of who you are. There are no two identical bodies, and yours is just as valid as anyone else’s. In fact, I have found men have the same amount of body dysphoria as women. If not more. Let me help you love the skin you are in.

Make sure you’re following me on Instagram and Facebook.

I post a lot of sneak peeks there and “behind the scenes” content as well.

Interested in learning more about my boudoir sessions and the packages I offer? Check out my boudoir page here. Looking for something unique that isn’t listed on my site? Don’t be afraid to ask! I’d be happy to set up a customized session just for you.

Here’s how you can get in touch with me:

#Dudoir #Arkansas Boudoir #Arkansas Male Nude Photography #Arkansas Male Boudoir

0 notes

slothcritic · 5 years

Text

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power - Episode 5 Review

The episode features boats. And two new amazing characters!

With the Flower Power Princess in their alliance, Brightmoon now turns to the sea in the hopes of recruiting Netflix’s Ariel, the Little Mermaid, to their side.

However, as expected of a mermaid, she lives in the ocean. This means that the wonder trio is in serious need of an experienced sea captain if they want to rock that boat.

The Queen explicitly requests no violence or collateral damage, so I get the feeling we all know how that’s going to pan out.

I feel like I’m slowly falling in love with Adora’s puffy-shoulders overcoat. I’m sure there’s an actual fashion name or term for that. But it looks cool.

When the wonder trio enters the briny fishy bar, they meet some rough looking characters, and at one point Beau’s voice breaks. Like the voice actor delivers a line and the voice just pitches through the ceiling. But you know, I think that really fits his character, so that’s probably why they left it in.

Among all the bruisers and rough-housing animal and fish people, we’re introduced to a suave, majestic debonair of a daredevil that looks like the offspring of Miguel from The Road to El Dorado and Varrick from The Legend of Korra. And boy howdy does the attitude match the appearance.

He is exactly what they’re looking for, but he is not cheap, even by royal treasury standards. I can’t remember who it was, whether it was Glimmer, Beau, Adora or even Seahawk himself, but someone challenges someone to arm wrestle, and Adora squares up against this smooth talking snake-oil seas-man.

Right here, I wanted her to go She-Ra and just destroy him, but turns out she doesn’t even need the power-up and flexes on him without issue.

Seahawk stammers and stumbles over his words for a moment before agreeing to help, and we get our first glimpse at the idea that Seahawk may not be all he claims to be.

Back at the danger zone, Demontwister is still extremely buttrumpled over Adora up and leaving, and sends Catra to dispatch her. After some back and forth sass, Deathwalker informs her that she will not be going alone. A massive, imposing shadow looms over Catra, and we see a pair of massive lobster claws emerge from the shadows...

Right before they hug her. This is Scorpia. She has lobster arms. Well, scorpion arms, because her name is Scorpia. That’s pretty cool.

Scorpia, as it turns out, is an absolute delight of a character. They managed to make a zany, endearing character without making them “lul sO rAndOm!!” and her antics drive Catra up the wall. Catra is now the straight man in this duo, and this is a great change of pace from being the wild card to Adora’s straight man. It also doesn’t help that, hey, they’re also on a boat! And Catra, being part cat, hates water.

We’re sailing, sailing, sailing on the ocean blue. Seahawk almost sings a shanty several times, but keeps getting cut off for one reason or another. However, when he finally does pull it off, Beau is there to back him up with the violin.

Beau is really just the flow with it, be everyone’s friend character. Though considering this goofy scene more, I hope we see more out of Beau as a character than just being the amicable comedy relief and voice of reason. Some substance to his personality would be nice. It’s very easy to write the virtuous, pure of heart, yada yada character. It’s not an issue yet, after all we’re still only at Episode 5, I just have high hopes and expectations for his character development.

We’re here! No we’re not! It’s a sea serpent. Adora turns on the spotlights and dives bravado-first into the ocean to kill it. Bye She-Ra!

The more watch this show, the more I like its art style. I found it very pretty just in the first episode, but the longer I pay attention to how it’s drawn and how the animators move the characters, the more I just appreciate looking at it. It feels unique, but also refined, focused and not too dramatically exaggerated.

Granted, it’s still very basic. The drawings are simple and the art style lends itself to being quickly and easily animated. It’s not a master class of animation or anything, and the art style isn’t completely breathtaking, after all it’s mostly flat colors with limited shading, but I still like it because they were able to take something basic and present it with a neat bow on it. Perhaps I’ve just got Star Vs The Force of Evil and Steven Universe on the brain but this style just looks so much better than those. Maybe if I watched something else, like a bunch of Studio Ghibli movies right before diving into this, I’d have a much harsher opinion of the art in this series. But for a campy Saturday morning kids cartoon, I like it and I find it’s growing on me.

The wonder trio meets the water queen, a very no-nonsense, serious and drol woman. Seahawk, ever the extroverted and dramatic goofball, is madly infatuated with her. The clash here leaves a lot to be questioned. Princess Waterlily actually has the more interesting half of the relationship here. It’s not your typical, plastic writing for your everyday tsundere because it seems like a lot of the time she genuinely dislikes him. But certain situations leave her exasperated to explain why she’s still hanging out with him. It’s nothing explicitly stated, or inferred through omission, or even spoon fed to the viewers through contrarian yet obvious tropes, but more in the idea that they just keep showing up together for SOME reason.

Anyways, the crux of this episode is pretty much the same as the last. Go to new ally, use She-Ra powers to save them, they’re happy and join the Brightmoon alliance. Huzzah. Now, since the barrier is weak and on the verge of just breaking all together, all She-Ra has to do is save the damsel in distress and--

Ah, yes, this trope again.

It draws into question how useful these princesses might be to Brightmoon if they’re so inept on their own. Like, I know we’re gearing up for some Princess Battle Royale at some point in the future. That’s being telegraphed years in advance. I’m sure the princesses will kick ass when that happens, and it’ll be awesome. But are they just sitting on their hands right now, waiting for She-Ra or even just The Plot to come save them from their helpless predicaments? Isn’t Lady In The Lake badass enough on her own to be able to do something at all about her current situation? Anything at all? No?

Putting that aside for now, it goes without saying that wherever the main characters go, the horde is not far behind. Catra and Scorpia have a ship, which I’m certain has no innuendo, and any further shanties have been hereby banned. Beau boards the ship with ye old faithful CareBear bow, and of course Kyle gets shot.

While this scene plays out, Glimmer turns to Seahawk for his assistance and asks him to do the one thing he’s actually good at.

“Set your ship on fire!”

He gladly obliges and they kamikaze that son of a bitch right into the other player’s battleship. Don’t ask me why a flaming wooden dinky can completely sink a floating metal tank. Maybe that’s Seahawk’s special princess power.

During all of this She-Ra and Catra have been having some incredible sexual tension on the floating platform, where the shining goddess is attempting to use the power of magic and harmony and friendship or whatever to fix the rapidly eroding magical barrier around Misty’s Splash Mountain.

With the apparent defeat of a the horde for now, Catra just... backs off I guess. And they just let them.

Little Miss Seaworld is understandable thrilled that the wonder trio and yes even Seahawk have saved her kingdom, in her own lowkey and monotone way, and grudgingly thanks Seahawk for his contributions. As thanks, her butler provides a new ship for Seahawk, christening it with a bottle of wine and everything.

“Try not to burn this one down too.”

“No promises!”

With that, we have Seahawk and Murmista joining the party!

Conclusion

Seahawk and Scorpia are amazing. This episode is in very good fun and the new characters provide some great humor. The last four episodes were a little slow to the punch, but I found it hard to find something to dislike about this episode. The forced helplessness of the princesses here is a little off-kilter but it didn’t seem off-pace for the series and only started to bug me when I really thought about it. Initial first viewing it damn near flew over my head.

If I had to nitpick beyond that, I don’t feel like they leaned into Seahawk’s character enough. Don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but I feel like he could’ve been better if they had committed more into him instead of keeping his personality light like La Croix. It is the first episode he appears in so I’m sure there’s more to him that we’ll discover, but it’s hard to say he isn’t a little one-dimensional in this specific episode. Just an endearing goofball with no real depth beyond comic relief. Scorpia on the other hand seems to have more potential at least from the outset. She appears to have a more diverse personality but we don’t get to see too much of it here.

Now, it would be fair to say that I’m basing almost my entire judgement of this episode upon the shoulders of two very campy new characters, and that would be an accurate assessment. It’s important to note that the primary purpose of a show like this must always be entertainment. You need to be entertained to want to keep watching. That can either be done through a gripping plot, tension, character development, emotional investment, or just through goofy, hilarious hijinks. At Episode 5, we’re too early into the series for pretty much anything on that list except for the last one.

This has also cinched that little itch in my back for me about “not being quite sold on the series yet” - Up to this point, it had simply been a point of curiosity, but now I feel like I actively want to keep watching just to see how these characters develop and what happens to them as the story unfolds.

Score: 75

Passing Thoughts

“Go fish” says the fishy dude.

#slothcritic #she ra #she-ra #shera

1 note · View note

schlockvalue-blog · 7 years

Text

Schlock Value, Issue #2: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

Step over Speilberg and fuck off Jaws, your shit may be all classic and shit but bro, it ain’t got the abs this bitch is packin’.

An underwater mining exercise sends shockwaves through the water and calling a bunch of red eyed albino sharks of constantly changing design out of a cave barely dick deep in the waters off the coast of Jersey Shore, calling out like a proud stay at home mom that dinner’s ready, and Italian and silicon is on the menu.

This shit kicks off with as much patience as the cast has for keeping their shirts on — introducing the lip pouting cast with not a shred of subtlety. Winks and nudges all around as the filmmakers elbow you in the ribs for the next fifteen minutes, proudly spouting quick “Aye? Aaaaaye?” The lead Gueidette of this motley crew rocking up early with a license plate reading “Nooki”. Subtle is hardly the name of the game though, it’s all on display — literally — as the dude are muscle bound and the chicks ‘muscles’ less bound…“Aye? Aaaaaye?”.

Nooki kicks off confronting her skeezing ex-boi, “The Complication” (Aaaaaye?) the night after what this white suburban boy can only assume was a maaaaan rager bro. Red cups ahoy. Setting up a Boiz vs Bitches dynamic that spans most of the film. The Complication and his boiz Donnie and Balzac just want to enjoy waxing each other up, flexing all day and solving their need for some “serious A.S.S.: Alcohol, Sun, and Sex”. A noble venture. God speed boiz. The babes on the other hands are all about gettin’ their independent girl power on, proving they don’t need no man. Jersey Shore Shark Attack, tackling the big issues. Herein lies one massive fucking fuck up of the film. Not a single one of the Jersey Shore ripoff characters gets turned into chum by the horde of sharks turning their shore into a buffet. Let’s just rip that bandaid off early. See now, who the fuck is watching this not hoping to tune in and see Guido mince meat sprayed across their screen? The film makes a blatant attempt to humanise the meathead parade that makes up the cast of characters so I guess it’s aiming for cinema loving Guids out there (is that an actual thing?) but it’s also so incredibly obvious that it’s a piss take at the same time, poking fun at every aspect of Guido party life that its real life, shark-less) TV counterpart that you’d think it was giving every hater of the show their dream of seeing a Snooki wannabe get ripped apart from ass to the tip of her overly styled hairdo. Dear movie, MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! This isn’t “The Misunderstood Souls of The Jersey Shore: A Lifetime Channel Special Edition” it’s JERSEY FUCKING SHORE SHARK ATTACK. Get with the program. Gimme silicon tits flying left right and centre! Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently so.

The shark attack portion of the title ain’t left for late though (thank fucking christ) as possibly the only pale skinned Italian in the entire cast — clearly some dude with a bad accent, a wife beater, slicked hair and given a cigarillo for a prop to complete the flawless and totally convincing transformation — gets offedby the freshly uncaved albino snappers while fishing in a dingy maybe two meters from the shore in. Why the asshole needed to be in a boat is a question for the screenwriter (I’m sure it had nothing to do with plot convenience).

The whole beach is going off in preparation for the arrival of the films token…*ahem*…‘celebrity’ cameo — former NSYC ‘not Justin Timberlake, one of the other guys’ guy, Joey Fatone. An excitement you better get used too because the film crams itself every ten minutes with a quick reminder in case you forgot you bought it in at least partial hope of seeing the NSYC alumni get his ass chomped by a bad CGI shark at some point. Spoiler alert, he does, almost immediately after being introduced (late) in the film. So we might not get Snooki or any of the 28 collective abs in the film gets chomped, we at least get that. Gee golly gosh.

The film spends a large portion of its early part half occupied with what it assumes is a ‘story’, trading blood and guts for a power struggle between the ever partying Guids and the sweater vest wearing, double collar popping, four syllable speaking, private school yacht club douches across the way. I swear, if Jersey Shore Shark Attack weren’t one of the best titles you could ever see staring back at you; in some distribution house somewhere out there, someone would have suggested releasing the film under the title of Guido’s vs Yuppies vs Sharks…not bad…I might have to copyright that. The good guys look like the musclebound bro bad guys from any other film and the bad guys are portrayed as assholes because they don’t want to listen to club music every second of the day. So, again, who the fuck is this thing supposed to be for? Cause I’m on Team Shark here. It’s hard to get behind walking wannabe cannon fodder with single digit IQs who use words like “drowneded”. You’ll be praying the whole cast gets their arses ripped out their mouths the moment they step on screen, and that they take the script with them.

The battle of the sexes enters a ceasefire when one of the many disposable and interchangeable bronzer snuffing pieces of cannon fodder washes up on shore. In a feat of literary originality, the mayor refuses to shut down the beach and The Complication’s father — the local Sheriff — doesn’t believe his son, seeing his actions as further proof of his disappointment in life — gee, wonder if that’ll resolve itself by the end of the film. Subplot ahoy. It all leaves our main pack of Guidos to take it upon themselves to hunt down the pigment deprived sea evil using fireworks and protein bars as bait. They also try to steal one of the ‘bad guy’ yuppies yachts “because he’s a douche” before Balzac fumbles one of the fireworks and blows the whole thing up (tell me again why we’re supposed to like these guys?).

At its core Jersey Shore Shark Attack is a Guido love story with a mayoral conspiracy giving the old reach around and wrapped up in just enough shark attacks to give its title enough credence. Everyone’s more pre-occupied with their own shit and getting occasionally distracted by a corpse or two. The climax of the film only comes in the midst of the customary blood letting beach side massacre when the head of the Yacht club tries to pull one over on the Guids by seducing Nooki and convincing her to join him and the his botchi loving conga line of talking pastel sweaters on a yacht out at sea for a party. The Complication reaches his character arc and realises he loves her (oh and y’know, that they need to take care of the sharks once and for all) and rounds up the Ab Club, stealing another boat and heading out to play cockblock while armed to the teeth with automatic rifles (and, I assume, more protein bars. After all; “Nothing’s going to resist 25 grams of power packed peanut butter crunch.”)

They shoot, pout and even nose kick the sharks on their way to rescue the yuppies and Nooki onboard their boat — which, of course, is broken down out of phone reception range — before returning to shore to save everyone from the shark attack which apparently a trained police department could handle on their own. Not enough protein in their diet I suppose. It all ends with hugs, cheers of “GUIDOS! GUIDOS!”, mended father son relationships — even though The Complication is still no less a party and gym obsessed meathead who will never leave the Jersey Shore. But hey, he does make peace with the yuppies, even though they just tried to revenge bang his girlfriend and gave off the impression that there was a roofie or two in her future if Plan-A went sour. But hey, water under the bridge right?

Jersey Shore Shark Attack is about as intelligent a parody as the dense fuckers it’s populates itself with. Every ounce of self aware writing makes you wonder if they themselves got the joke because other than The Complication and Nooki, the rest of the characters assume the completely pointless position reserved for cannon fodder to give people expecting some kind of delivery on the title and yet not a single person you want to see die actually dies. Hell, only once is any of them vapid “wait, what’s her name again” characters in any peril. The only other time anything happens is when Nooki’s trapped in the sinking boat, with a shark ripping its way through the hull, at the end of the movie in a scene replicated in damn near every other shark movie ever made and trust me, you’re rooting for the shark to get just a liiiiiitle closer. Just one more inch. Just rip off a leg! Just one goddammit. ANYTHING!

Drunk with a group of friends and a shameless love of self flagellation and if nothing else you’ll probably get a kick out of screaming at the screen for everyone to die. *Sigh* the love of communal hatred.

#Schlock Value #Movie #B-Movie #Horror #Comedy #Shark #Jersey Shore #Jersey Shore Shark Attack #SyFy #Killer Animal

0 notes