A doodle I've been working on during my breaks at work

ken rome shiv dynamic in s4 is truly so insane to me. btw. in previous seasons their relationships were established as hostile, or at least competitive, so there wasn’t much holding them back. But s4 is different bc they start out attempting to be friends, which is both appealing/comforting to them, as well as restrictive to their ambitions. it was kind of!! excruciating!! to watch them stick bandaids on fractures that were forming between them (the “we’re sorry shiv” group hug in Living+…..) just so they could at least superficially maintain the Happy Healthy Sibling Bond, even as it became more and more ludicrous to uphold as they were drawn to prioritize themselves over each other, in increasingly betraying ways. they wanted to keep the alliance together, while at the same time shaping it for their own purposes. and they kept trying to do this, until it fell apart in their hands. Ooh my god. they loved each other, AND they wanted to express it, AND they openly admitted this.. but so what, if they would never prioritize it? if they were playing in a system where choosing it would never be the smart move? if there was only one crown and only one of them could wear it? they could never maintain any sort of meaningful action stemming from their love, so it made no difference that they felt it, and their gestures of affection were just gestures. idk… they’re sooo… i can’t wait to feel unwell about them for ever and ever

I get what you mean about fandom being lonely for us sex repulsed!

What works for me is engaging with the few fandoms with canon aro and ace characters, there are usually lots of aspec fans there and it's nice to be able to talk with them and discuss the media's themes.

That's also true, sounds like a surefire way! But that also depends on... There BEING such accessible works to begin with (I haven't found many personally truth be told) and that I even LIKE the work altogether too... If there's a canon aro or ace character (never seen a character confirmed as aro in canon, like within the story itself, yet, truth be told, granted I gotta still watch Koisenu Futari but yeah that aside) but that's literally the only thing the work has going for it (and the characters themselves are nothing more than "the aro" or "the ace" and don't have traits or arcs I find engaging besides that) it's still a fairly bland experience...

I wonder if Hob's ever been buried alive.

I don't know how his immortality works- do his wounds miraculously heal within minutes? Hours? Has he sometimes had to pretend to be injured, because no one heals from a stab wound to the gut over night?

Or does it take him just as long as any other person? Does he spend weeks bed-bound while recovering, slowly but surely knitting himself together? And if that's the case...has he been buried?

Has Hob woken up, weeks after being 'laid to rest', starving and in pain because fuck does his head and chest hurt and- why can't he move. Why is it so silent. Has Hob ever trailed his fingers, shaking from the effort, across wood grain 5 inches from his face? Has he, head pounding with pain and confusion, frantically mapped the limited space of his chamber because why are the walls so close to him why is he lying down why does-

Has Hob ever realised he was buried six feet underground.

Has he ever clawed at what he realises now is his coffin, hands scrabbling and nails catching? Pounded at the lid of it and screamed? Has Hob ever had to climb his way out of the ground

Anyway :)

LEAST profitable day

I would to know more about the untitled-Jamie-blue-screen fic, if you wanted to share anything about it : )

Hello terrifyingly talented friend! I am happy to share!!

So this fic started rolling while I was writing 'i learned to walk while he was away', - that story explores some of the 'unseen' effects of Jamie's experiences, specifically what his relationship to expressions of violence (even when positively channelled) might be after growing up with an angry man. The 'untitled-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic (which is technically 'redacted-title-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic, I'm a fairly changeable person and the title's redacted purely because it's still subject to possible [who knows, not me] change) is another exploration of some of the 'unseen' or more accurately 'undeveloped' parts of Jamie's psyche that canon skips over.

Specifically, the symptoms of depression he displays in 3x11 Mom City.

I'm a card carrying member of the 'Jamie has multiple missing diagnoses' bandwagon and know first hand what a horrifyingly tricky combo neurodivergence and clinical depression can be.

I use a lot of metaphors to describe/understand the complexities of mental health- when I was studying it, when I'm teaching it and yea when I'm thinking about my own brain :)

Most of the metaphors are computer based- product of the times I guess.

The untitled-title 'blue screen day' is how I unaffectionately refer to the days when that horrifyingly tricky combo decides to be extra horrifying and extra tricky and causes total system overload. The days when you forget how to be a person. That 'blue screen' blink feeling of not functioning, but then it's not momentary, it's not a blink, it doesn't go away. You're seeing with your eyes sure, but you're not really seeing and they don't really feel like your eyes. You exist in your body yes, but do you really exist? Is it actually your body?

(To use plain language; it's a brief and intense episode of severe burn-out, typically bought on by cognitive and/or sensory overload, but sometimes seemingly spontaneous [clinical!].)

So that's what I gave Jamie, a blue-screen-day (sorry buddy).

But I also gave him Roy! And a smoothie! He'll be okay.

(Essentially the story is the idea that sometimes things don't have solutions or answers or a quick and easy fix. Sometimes all you can do is be. Sometimes all you can do to help is be there.)

The fic really is gentle hours, I swear.

i swear i have the worst nightmares when i feel my best mentally. what the fuck is up with that

TALK TO ME ABOUT KOBRA KID

KISSING YOU RN HI!!!! IM GOIGN TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT KOBRA KID

ok so ive decided:

he has heterochromia

he loves old movies, dr d had a pile left older and ghoul fixed him up a dvd player. his favourites are romcoms and stuff from the eighties. he also likes the karate kid.

he’s SHIT at gunfights [idk if this is canon or not but anyway] he always always does hand to hand if its possible

he fixes up his bike [which he nicknames Python cause he’s cringe] with cool racing stripes and red paint and stuff to match his gun. ghoul helps.

he’s ftm. whatever i do with kobra in any au, he’s ftm. my brain glitches when i read fics where he isnt. trans kobra. can anyone hear me.

he makes bad luck beads for everyone. the girl joins in, putting cool charms on them all.

autism

^ specifically he’s really touch sensitive and noise sensitive, if he has a meltdown its usually because of the latter, but sometimes he literally refuses to wear a shirt because it Feels Wrong. also his sunglasses are for light sensitivity yes, but also to avoid eye contact.

he also sucks at binding, he’s so irresponsible. forgets to do stretches, wears it for too long, smokes with it on. it drives the others INSANE, and ghoul’s the only one who can get him to actually take care of it properly.

everyone shares his clothes.

he’s got a super good memory, probably eidetic if any of the killjoys knew what that meant. he knows so many random facts about before the world ended.

^ he also really likes learning history, whether its from old books that he finds around, or oral retellings from older ‘joys.

he used to braid his hair, and so now that he’s the only one with short hair, he does everyone elses.

he can do weird body tricks like bend his arm out really far and curl his tongue and stuff. it makes jet so mad [in a joking way] because how! how does he DO that!

he loves colourful things. he has a pile of charms and beaded bracelets and stuff that he either loops around his belt hooks or puts on his wrists.

he has a really good singing voice, secretly.

he’s the only one of the four that uses a single set of pronouns

I had to draw him

YOU NEED TO HEAR ME OUT

one day - one day - i’ll write the jennifer’s body halloween au i’ve always wanted to write no I won’t

ig i just personally dont rlly vibe w ppl who think that merely saying 'i wish they died' just to lighten the heavy weight of their overwhelming emotions (that they cant control may i add) is the same thing as actively actually murdering someone 💀

I just turned in my last assignment for my first semester of grad school and was it good? Absolutely not but good God at least I'm done

More PO barbie-esque prince au stuff. They're only supposed to be the B plot but GOD I ADORE THEM SO MUCH

I have to stop this stupid au... but I really don't want to...

Cal makes me feel actually insane like i can’t put into words how he makes me feel i love him so bad he’s jsut so djdjfjsjdjdjdj

things to say. the ask button on mobile has been replaced with give a tip so i nearly gave you a tip. so close but no cigar you’ll get me next time i’m sure. other thing. you’ve convinced me wrestling is just gay porn

oh my god, they really have just replaced the ask button with the tip button, holy shit. that’s so funny i’m so sorry

as for other thing … yeah. most people would call watching dudes pound each other for 20 minutes gay porn but since since they don’t kiss and mostly keep their clothes on, as a society, we decided to call it wrestling instead. this is the true and factual history of wrestling and not something i just made up.

that said, the chances of wrestlers kissing is low but it’s never zero.

horizon zd/fw.... horizon games.... thinkinh about them