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gaysparklepires · 6 years

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16. Too-Much-Information Alert

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I took off early, long before sunrise was due. I’d gotten just a little bit of uneasy sleep leaning against the side of the sofa. Edward and I had spent most of the night taking turns regulating Beau’s body temperature, trying to keep him comfortable. He woke me one last time when Beau’s face was flushed, and he took my spot to cool Beau back down. I stretched and decided I was rested enough to get some work done.

“Thank you,” Edward said quietly, seeing my plans. “If the route is clear, they’ll go today.”

“I’ll let you know.”

It felt good to get back to my animal self. I was stiff from sitting for so long. I extended my stride, working out the kinks.

Morning, Jacob, Liam greeted me.

Good, you’re up. How long’s Seth been out?

Not out yet, Seth thought sleepily. Almost there. What do you need?

You think you got another hour in you?

Sure thing. No problem. Seth got to his feet right away, shaking out his fur.

Let’s make the deep run, I told Liam. Seth, take the perimeter.

Gotcha. Seth broke into an easy jog.

Off on another vampire errand, Liam grumbled.

You got a problem with that?

Of coursenot. I just love to coddle those darling leeches.

Good. Let’s see how fast we can run.

Okay, I’m definitely up for that!

Liam was on the far western rim of the perimeter. Rather than cut close to the Cullens’ house, he stuck to the circle as he raced around to meet me. I sprinted off straight east, knowing that even with the head start, he’d be passing me soon if I took it easy for even a second.

Nose to the ground, Liam. This isn’t a race, it’s a reconnaissance mission.

I can do both and still kick your butt.

I gave him that one. I know.

He laughed.

We took a winding path through the eastern mountains. It was a familiar route. We’d run these mountains when the vampires had left a year ago, making it part of our patrol route to better protect the people here. Then we’d pulled back the lines when the Cullens returned. This was their treaty land.

But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The question today was how thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking for stray Cullens to poach on their land or not? Had Jared spoken the truth or taken advantage of the silence between us?

We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the pack. Fading vampire trails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I was breathing them in all day long.

I found a heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trail—all of them coming and going here except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward brought his dying husband home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.

Liam didn’t push himself past me, though he could have now. I was paying more attention to each new scent than I was to the speed contest. He kept to my right side, running with me rather than racing against me.

We’re getting pretty far out here, he commented.

Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.

Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push, Liam thought. He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s not going to be able to surprise them.

This was just a precaution, really.

Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.

Nope, I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.

You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.

You’re not exactly the same Liam I’ve always known and loved, either.

True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?

Amazingly... yes.

Ah, sweet success.

Congrats.

We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt nice to run like this. We’d been staring at the same small circle of a trail for too long. It felt good to stretch our muscles and take the rugged terrain. We weren’t in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt on the way back. Liam was pretty hungry.

Yum, yum,he thought sourly.

It’s all in your head, I told him. That’s the way wolves eat. It’s natural. It tastes fine. If you didn’t think about it from a human perspective—

Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I’ll hunt. I don’t have to like it.

Sure, sure, I agreed easily. It wasn’t my business if he wanted to make things harder for himself.

He didn’t add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.

Thank you,Liam suddenly told me in a much different tone.

For?

For letting me be. For letting me stay. You’ve been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob.

Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don’t mind having you here like I thought I would.

He snorted, but it was a playful sound. What a glowing commendation!

Don’t let it go to your head.

Okay—if you don’t let this go to yours. He paused for a second. I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re worth following, Jacob.

My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.

Er, thanks. Not totally sure I’ll be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did that come from?

He didn’t answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of his thoughts. He was thinking about the future—about what I’d said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon, and then I’d go back to the forest. About how I’d promised that He and Seth would return to the pack when the Cullens were gone...

I want to stay with you, he told me.

The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. He blew past me and then put on the brakes. Slowly, he walked back to where I was frozen in place.

I won’t be a pain, I swear. I won’t follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I’ll go where I want. You’ll only have to put up with me when we’re both wolves.He paced back and forth in front of me, swishing his long gray tail nervously. And, as I’m planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it... maybe that won’t be so often.

I didn’t know what to say.

I’m happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.

I want to stay, too, Seth thought quietly. I hadn’t realized he’d been paying much attention to us as he ran the perimeter. I like this pack.

Hey, now! Seth, this isn’t going to be a pack much longer. I tried to put my thoughts together so they would convince him. We’ve got a purpose now, but when... after that’s over, I’m just going to go wolf. Seth, you need a purpose. You’re a good kid. You’re the kind of person who always has a crusade. And there’s no way you’re leaving La Push now. You’re going to graduate from high school and do something with your life. You’re going to take care of Sue. My issues are not going to mess up your future.

But—

Jacob is right, Liam seconded.

You’re agreeing with me?

Of course. But none of that applies to me. I was on my way out, anyway. I’ll get a job somewhere away from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga and meditation to work on my temper issues.... And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mental well-being. Jacob—you can see how that makes sense, right? I won’t bother you, you won’t bother me, everyone is happy.

I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.

This is a bit much to deal with, Liam. Let me think about it, ’kay?

Sure. Take your time.

It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn’t trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enough that I wouldn’t plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn’t going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La Push and protect the tribe like he should.

But I couldn’t see Liam doing that. And that was just plain scary.

A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn’t imagine the... the intimacy of that situation. I wondered if he’d really thought it through, or if he was just desperate to stay free.

Liam didn’t say anything as I chewed it over. It was like he was trying to prove how easy it would be if it was just us.

We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Liam sighed internally but didn’t hesitate. His lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even. He took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.

Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn’t feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Liam’s disgust warring with his hunger, and I tried to make it easier for him by letting the wolf in me have my head. I’d lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instincts take over, letting Liam feel that, too. He hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, he seemed to reach out with his mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked than they had ever been before, because we both were trying to think together.

Strange, but it helped him. His teeth cut through the fur and skin of his kill’s shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as his human thoughts wanted to, he let his wolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let him eat in peace.

It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn’t forgotten this. This would be my life again soon.

Was Liam going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew him better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, he wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same man.

We ate together until we both were full.

Thanks, he told me later as he was cleaning his muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn’t bother; it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I’d get clean enough. That wasn’t so bad, thinking your way.

You’re welcome.

Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Liam and I would take over the patrol. Seth’s mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.

You headed back to the vampires? Liam asked.

Maybe.

It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.

You know, Liam, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.

He thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine.

Fair enough.

I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that—maybe better than you think. I don’t like Beau that much, but... he’s your Sam. He’s everything you want and everything you can’t have.

I couldn’t answer.

I know it’s worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he’s alive and well. I love him enough that I want that. I want him to have what’s best for him. He sighed. I just don’t want to stick around to watch.

Do we need to talk about this?

I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I’ll even help. I wasn’t born a compassionless monster. I used to be sort of nice, you know.

My memory doesn’t go that far back.

We both laughed once.

I’m sorry about this, Jacob. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry it’s getting worse and not better.

Thanks, Liam.

He thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune him out without much success. He was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.

He saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. He liked my ragging on Royal, chuckling internally and even running through a few blond jokes in his mind that I might be able to work in. But then his thoughts turned serious, lingering on Royal’s face in a way that confused me.

You know what’s crazy? he asked.

Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?

That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get his perspective.

For a second I thought he was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized he was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we’d spread out to run our watch. If he’d been within biting distance...

Hold up! Let me explain!

Don’t want to hear it. I’m outta here.

Wait! Wait! he pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. C’mon, Jake!

Liam, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.

He didn’t answer me, then suddenly his mind shimmered away. I turned back to him just as he finished phasing. He stood there, arms crossed, his jaw locked.

“Jeez, what an overreaction. You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”

I huffed at him, then closed my eyes and let my body phase back into human. When I reopened my now human eyes, he hadn’t moved. His eyes locked on my face.

“Can I explain myself?” He asked shortly.

I nodded once, keeping my eyes locked on his face, like his were on mine.

“I understand how it feels to miss your humanity. I understand the ache it leaves in you to lose it.” He paused, sighed. “In fact, I can sort of understand Beau’s mindset on the whole thing, too.”

“Great,” I deadpanned, “I’m glad everyone is so happy to see Beau die.”

“Jacob, come on,” Liam rolled his eyes, “no one wants to see Beau die. I don’t particularly like him that much and I don’t even want that. I’m just saying, I understand why your blond vampire is so cold—in the figurative sense. He’s focused. He’s concentrating completely on helping Beau stay human. If I could have had someone help me stay human? I would have begged for their help. I would have accepted it in a heartbeat.”

“The situation is different. You weren’t dying.”

“Don’t you ever miss just being human, Jacob?” He took a deliberate step toward me and I flinched back. “Doesn’t some part of you miss when things were easy? Simple?” He reached out a hand and placed it on my shoulder. “Don’t you miss touching another human and not burning them? Not worrying about your temper turning you into a whirlwind of teeth and claws?”

His face was close to mine now, his eyes locked on mine. I could see the pain behind them.

“I miss that, Jacob.” He sighed. “I miss knowing I have options. Because I don’t really, do I?” He laughed sadly. “That’s why all this sucks!” He turned away from me and took a few aimless steps. “I want to get over Sam, Jacob. You know probably as well as I do that I want to just forget him. But what options do I have? It’s a joke, really. I’m twenty years old. I should have the world ahead of me and I don’t. I feel like I’m stuck, you know? I can’t just go out and find someone like I should be able to do.” He paused, sighed deeply, then very quietly he said, “I know Sam and I is never going to happen—I’ve accepted that.” He glanced back at me. “I know you know what I’m talking about.

I sighed. He was in a healthier place than I was. At least when it came to this sucky unrequited love thing.

“You can’t be mad at Beau for wanting to do this the human way, Jacob.” Liam said, quietly. “He’s being incredibly mature about the whole thing. He’s literally got a miracle cure, but he knows the consequences, he knows what’s at stake. I swear, that kid is stronger than any of the non-humans.” Liam paused. “That stuff he told you… about wanting to make everything right before he changed.” He shook his head, “Damn, I mean, sure, holding off on changing made things worse for him in the long run but… that amount of selflessness? He could have changed right away and been happy, but he wanted to stay human just to make sure everyone elsewould be happy?”

“None of us are happy now, Liam. It was stupid of him to hold off.”

“No, Jake, you don’t get it.” Liam frowned. “He wasn’t being stupid. He was thinking of the consequences. If he had changed right away then he wouldn’t have been able to say a proper goodbye to anyone. He was thinking of his family… He was thinking of you. I mean, you guys had ended things pretty badly at the wedding. I think he just wanted to make sure he fixed this with you before he… Well, you know.”

I couldn’t speak. Liam could look at things from an outside perspective and I knew he was probably right.

“I do envy you that.” Liam said softly. “Sam just wants to ignore it all. Pretend none of it ever happened. At least Beau cares enough about you to try and make things right, and you know he just wants you to be happy.”

“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore, Liam.” I muttered through clenched teeth.

“Okay, Jacob.” Liam shrugged, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re right,” I admitted, “That’s why I can’t talk about it anymore. I know you’re right. I know I should be handling all of this better. But I just…”

“You can’t right now.” Liam finished for me.

I shook my head.

Liam started to walk away, then he paused and turned back. “If… Whenyou’re ready to talk, Jacob, I’ll be here. Okay?”

He didn’t wait for my response, he phased and bounded away into the woods.

I was only about a mile from where I’d left my clothes, so I stayed human and walked. I didn’t think about our conversation. Not because there wasn’t anything to think about, but because I couldn’t stand it. Seeing that side of Liam’s thoughts, hearing what he said, I couldn’t argue with him because he was right. We got dealt a crappy hand, and maybe Liam couldn’t get over the whole wolf side of things but at least he was moving on from Sam—as best as he could, at least. At least he could see the big picture, even if I couldn’t.

I didn’t think I could run with that for the rest of my life. But how could I take away the solace he found running with me? I supposed it would make me the most selfish ass in the world if I Alpha ordered him to stay in La Push. Just because Icouldn’t move on, that didn’t give me the right to deny Liam that… did it?

It was real early when I got to the house. Beau was probably still asleep. I figured I’d poke my head in, see what was going on, give ’em the green light to go hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enough to sleep on while human. I wasn’t phasing back until Liam was asleep.

But there was a lot of low mumbling going on inside the house, so maybe Beau wasn’t sleeping. And then I heard the machinery sound from upstairs again—the X-ray? Great. It looked like day four on the countdown was starting off with a bang.

Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in.

She nodded. “Hey, wolf.”

“Hey, shortie. What’s going on upstairs?” The big room was empty—all the murmurs were on the second floor.

She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. “Maybe another break.” She tried to see the words casually, but I could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward and I weren’t the only ones who were burning over this. Alice loved Beau, too.

“Another rib?” I asked hoarsely.

“No. He fell on his wrist this time.”

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised? Each new disaster seemed kinda obvious in hindsight.

Then we were listening to Royal’s voice upstairs.

“See, I told you I didn’t hear a crack. You need your ears checked, Edward.” There was no answer.

Alice made a face. “Edward’s going to end up ripping Roy into small pieces, I think. I’m surprised he doesn’t see that. Or maybe he thinks Emmett will be able to stop him.”

“I’ll take Emmett,” I offered. “You can help Edward with the ripping part.”

Alice half-smiled.

The procession came down the stairs then—Edward had Beau this time. Beau was incredibly tense, his left wrist was wrapped in bandages, and his face was white. I could see that, though Edward compensated for every tiny movement of his body to keep from jostling Beau, he was hurting.

“Hey, Jake,” he whispered, and he smiled through the pain. I stared at him, saying nothing.

Edward placed Beau carefully on his couch and sat on the floor by his head. I wondered briefly why they didn’t leave him upstairs, and then decided at once that it must be Beau’s idea. He’d want to act like things were normal, avoid the hospital setup. And Edward was humoring him. Naturally.

Carlisle came down slowly, the last one, his face creased with worry. It made him look old enough to be a doctor for once.

“Carlisle,” I said. “We went halfway to Seattle. There’s no sign of the pack. You’re good to go.”

“Thank you, Jacob. This is good timing. There’s much that we need.” His black eyes flickered to Beau.

“Honestly, I think you’re safe to take more than three. I’m pretty positive that Sam is concentrating on La Push.”

Carlisle nodded in agreement. It surprised me how willingly he took my advice. “If you think so. Alice, Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett and Roy—”

“Not a chance,” Royal said. “Emmett can go with you now.”

“You should hunt,” Carlisle said in a gentle voice.

“I’ll hunt when he does,” Royal said flatly, jerking his head toward Edward.

Carlisle sighed, then he turned to me. “Jacob, if you don’t mind, could we…” He trailed off.

“Blood bank is open,” I sighed. “Let’s go, doc.”

After Beau was set up with a fresh bag of my blood, Carlisle called everyone.

Jasper and Emmet were down the stairs in a flash, and Alice joined them by the glass back door in the same second. Esme flitted to Alice’s side.

Carlisle put his hand on my arm. The icy touch did not feel good, but I didn’t jerk away. I held still, half in surprise, and half because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Thank you,” he said again, and then he darted out the door with the other four. My eyes followed them as they flew across the lawn and then disappeared before I took another breath. Their needs must have been more urgent than I’d imagined.

There was no sound for a minute. I could feel someone glaring at me, and I knew who it would be. I’d been planning to take off and get some Z’s, but the chance to ruin Royal’s morning seemed too good to pass up.

So I sauntered over to the armchair next to the one Royal had and settled in, sprawling out so that my head was tilted toward Beau and my left foot was near Royal’s face.

“Ugh. Someone put the dog out,” he murmured, wrinkling his nose.

“Have you heard this one, Psycho? How do a blonde’s brain cells die?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Well?” I asked. “Do you know the punch line or not?”

He looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me.

“Has he heard it?” I asked Edward.

There was no humor on his tense face—he didn’t move his eyes from Beau. But he said, “No.”

“Awesome. So you’ll enjoy this—a blonde’s brain cells die alone.”

Royal didn’t look at me. “I have killed a hundred times more often than you have, you disgusting beast. Don’t forget that.”

“Someday, Beauty King, you’re going to get tired of just threatening me. I’m really looking forward to that.”

“Enough, Jacob,” Beau said.

I looked down, and he was frowning. It looked like yesterday’s good mood was long gone.

Well, I didn’t want to bug him. “You want me to take off?” I offered.

Before I could hope—or fear—that he’d finally gotten tired of me, he blinked, his eyes darting up to me, and his frown disappeared. He seemed totally shocked that I would come to that conclusion. “No, of course not…”

I sighed, and I heard Edward sigh very quietly, too. I knew he wished Beau’d get over me, too. Too bad he’d never ask him to do anything that might make him unhappy.

“You look tired,” Beau commented.

“Dead beat,” I admitted.

“I’d like to beat you dead,” Royal muttered, too low for Beau to hear.

I just slumped deeper into the chair, closing my eyes, and getting comfortable. My bare foot dangled closer to Royal, and he stiffened. After a few minutes Beau asked Royal for a glass of water. I felt the wind as Royal blew towards the kitchen. It was really quiet. Might as well take a nap, I figured.

After a few minutes, Beau sighed. “I’m glad he’s finally getting some rest.”

Beau must have thought I was already asleep, I didn’t have the energy to correct him, and Edward didn’t say anything.

“This is all my fault,” Beau began, then faltered. “I did everything wrong, Edward.”

“What do you mean, love?”

“I mean, breaking Jacob’s heart, still putting him through this…”

I felt my body tense up, I wanted to hear what Beau had to say, but I was sure Edward would tell him I wasn’t really sleeping.

“What do you mean, Beau?” Edward asked.

Oh. So we’re both playing along now.

“I mean,” Beau began, “I love Jacob. He’s my best friend. I just want him to be happy. As happy as I am with you, Edward.” Beau sniffled. “I feel like every second that ticks by I’m losing my chance to make things right with Jacob. I have to make things right before I…” He cut himself off. “I’ve set everything else up. Made things right with Charlie, Renée, my friends… But I still haven’t gotten it right with Jacob.”

I felt my body tense up. Was Beau holding off on changing just because of me? That was insane! How could he be that stupid? I felt waves of guilt pour over me.

“Beau,” Edward said softly, “is that why you refused to change? Back when you first got sick?”

Well, I guess the mind-reading wasn’t all bad.

“No,” Beau said quietly, “It’s not the only reason.”

Great. Beau was being cryptic.

“Please,” Edward said softly, his tone was a little desperate, “please, Beau, explain it to me because I’ve been out of my mind trying to understand.” Edward’s voice cracked a bit, I could tell his façade was breaking down. “Do you regret marrying me? Choosing me over Jacob? Was it a mistake?”

I’d never heard Edward talk so openly and broken to Beau before. It was almost as broken as he had spoken to me that first day in the yard.

“Shh…” Beau was instantly soothing, “No. I love you, more than anything. I chose you, I still choose you.” He paused. “I knew changing would happen for me one day, Edward. You never wanted it, but realistically it had to happen at some point. But I didn’t see the harm in spending a little more time as a human—enjoy the honeymoon, come back and see my friends, see Charlie, then go spend some time at college… That would have given me time to set everything up—make plans so that everyone would be ready for me to disappear for just a little while until I was strong enough to be around them again. Make plans so that we could avoid breaking the treaty and starting a war with the wolves… and some time for me to settle everything with Jacob.”

“But now…” Edward couldn’t say the words, he didn’t have to.

“I didn’t think my window would close so fast.” Beau said, sadly. “I thought, if I got Royal to help me, I would have just enough time to set things up with my family, explain why I’d be disappearing for a while—”

“We could have come up with a story, Beau.” Edward interrupted.

“I know, but it had to be good, Edward. Charlie wouldn’t have settled for anything less. I know what changing involves. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but being a newborn for at least a year. I couldn’t leave Charlie in the dark for all that time.”

I was starting to understand better and better. Liam was right. Beau had wanted to make sure everything was set up before he changed. He had been wanting to make this as easy for everyone else as he could.

“Besides,” Beau continued, “The treaty would have been nullified. It would have meant a war. If there had been more time, we could have left Forks before I changed, avoided all that. Didn’t do much good now, I guess.” He said, glumly.

It made sense. But where did I fit in?

“And what about Jacob?” Edward prompted.

“Jacob,” Beau said sadly. “After the wedding, we left things so badly. I was selfish the whole honeymoon. I ignored that, I tried not to think about Jacob and his pain. But that isn’t fair. Jacob deserves to be happy. I couldn’t change unless I worked it all out with him. If we can’t stay friends, at least Jacob needs to move on from me and try to be happy. I can’t love him the way he wants me to, and that kills me. But I love Jacob as a friend, and I want him to be loved the way he deserves to be loved. I knew that if I changed without trying to talk to him one last time he’d never get over it. He’d be the bitter, angry Jacob that ran away from his family and his home. I needed to try to…”

Beau’s voice cut off then, he had started crying. I kept my eyes clamped shut. I felt cold inside.

So, that was it.

Beau was over me. He loved me, sure. But only as his friend. There was no chance for anything else. The truth was just that I was too deluded to see it. Too stubborn. Beau had said it was his fault, that he had messed everything up. But that wasn’t really true, was it? I had messed it up. I had spent so much time being angry, bitter, and desperate for Beau to love me back that I had missed the fact that he did love me. I just wasn’t able to accept the love he could give me.

And now, he had sacrificed his chance at being with the man he did love forever… Just to make sure all the rest of us were happy. To try and make sure Iwas happy.

“I thought you regretted it,” Edward said, quietly. “Choosing me, marrying me.”

“No,” Beau said through his tears, “I don’t regret choosing you, Edward. I love you more than anything. Marrying you was what I wanted. Being with you is what I want.”

“We could have dealt with everything else after we changed you, Beau.” Edward said, his voice broken and sad.

“I know,” Beau sighed, sniffling, “I know that now. I just… I panicked. You were so set on changing me as soon as we got back. All my time had run out. I just… I couldn’t change without making sure everything was set up and resolved first, Edward! I had counted on having the time to do that. I thought if Royal helped me, it would buy me enough time to set everything up and thenI could change but…” He sniffled again. “That made everything worse.”

“You just wanted everyone to be happy.” Edward said, comforting him. “I should have talked to you, I shouldn’t have just decided on changing you without taking away your choice in the matter. Perhaps if I had…”

“You don’t get to take my stupidity out of the equation here,” Beau laughed, weakly.

I felt sick, I felt wrong. Like I shouldn’t be here. I opened my eyes, just in time to see Beau leaning forward toward Edward.

“I love you, more than anything.” Beau breathed, pressing his lips to Edward’s.

“And I love you,” Edward’s eyes had closed as he gently wrapped his arms around Beau.

All my pain crashed over me. It was so bad it was like being tortured. Like being slowly dragged across a bed of razors. Pain so bad you’d take death with a smile just to get away from it.

The pain pushed me to my feet.

Beau and Edward’s heads snapped over to me, and I watched my pain ripple across Edward’s face as he trespassed in my head again.

“Ahh,” he choked.

I didn’t know what I was doing; I stood there, trembling, ready to bolt for the very first escape that I could think of.

“Jake…” Beau’s eyes met mine. After hearing everything he had said, I finally understood that sad look in his eyes, behind his smiles. It hit me like a car—no, like a bullet train—crashing into me. It was the love of a friend, concerned and pitying. And that was all it would ever be.

Moving like the strike of a snake, Edward darted to a small end table and ripped something from the drawer there. He tossed it at me, and I caught the object reflexively.

“Go, Jacob. Get away from here.” He didn’t say it harshly—he threw the words at me like they were a life preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying for.

The object in my hand was a set of car keys.

#Breaking Dawn #Breaking Dawn Revamped #Breaking Dawn Rewrite #Breaking Dawn Gay #LGTB #lgtbqia+#the twilight saga #The Twilight Saga Revamped #Jacob Black #Liam Clearwater #Seth Clearwater #Edward Cullen #Beau Cullen #Beau Swan #Alice Cullen #Royal Hale #Carlisle Cullen

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wordsturnintostories · 7 years

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Midnight Mission: Coffee

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Word Count: 2.316 Warnings: love? this is fluff with the potential to knock you off your feet. Special a/n: Birthday Drabble for my sweetheart Sofía @nataliarxmanxva ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE! I will never forget the kindness you have blessed me with. This is your birthday gift, love (haha and since it’s on the internet, you can’t refuse!).

I love you, sweetie. And I hope that you’re gonna like this thing I shamelessly call “drabble” (which it is not, by regulation, since it (by a few words) crossed the 100-word limit, but if you feel extra today, which you should, you can count this thingy as 23 drabbles). Have fun! And have more Seb, and hugs and birthday happiness! :D

Your heart leaped in your sweat-gleaming chest when a thunderous noise rose in the darkness before you. Still out of breath, the adrenaline almost overwhelmed you. This was such a rush. A hand landed on your shoulder. Well done. You donned your widest smile, put one foot in front of the other, and bowed, along with the other dozen girls and guys in the row. The applause still filled the majestic ballroom with the ornamented balconies and the wonderful, wide stage you had admired since years. Today, you’d done your best, even written ballet history on it, with your academy’s class. Glancing at the audience told you you had performed not only in front of the usual, sophisticated assembly of artlovers and philanthropists, but also mere meters away from royalty. Only moments later, the glamorous swell of applause and praise ceased, and all performers left the stage, giving room to the antecedent artists. Bouquets of white flowers were handed to you and you and the other ballerinas gracefully posed for the journalists with the exclusive access to backstage.

Although being on stage and dancing was your passion, your body felt amazing when you finally wriggled yourself out of the silk and muslin bodice that clung to your warm skin. You swapped it for a pair of sweatpants and that oversized hoodie of pure goodness that you’d stolen from your brother last week, before you had left for your academy’s tour. The girls in the changing room chatted and giggled, just enjoying their time together as much as they could. When your sneakers were on, your bag packed and on the way to your hotel, where you knew some celebration would be happening, you decided to be yourself. It didn’t take long to sneak out of the auditorium, only armed with your phone and some money, but ready to attack the metropolitan area at night. You’d seen the long streets glowing in the dark yesterday, from your hotel room, and you’d longed to exchange early bedtime for midnight stroll adventures. Now, finally outside, your breath hitched when the soft breeze blew midnight air over your face, when it got caught in your hair and made it dance. Despite the traffic and the lights everywhere, you caught a glimpse of a star. Different scents mixed together in a whirlwind of air, inviting you to different places, to a fast-food-place, to a brewery bar, to a perfumery that was still open, but you stayed on your course. Shops and parks lined up along the sidewalk and you casually strolled past them. Street artists lured sweet melodies out of their violins and guitars and you blessed them with kind smiles, which they returned.

Finally, you laid eyes on a coffeeshop with a wooden door frame and beautiful feeling of vintage. You felt it the third time this evening, the tingling buzz of anticipation, when you put your hand on the door. Stepping in was rewarded immediately, by the wild, fragrant notes of coffee streaming into your nose and by the smooth music creating an atmosphere of relaxation. Not many midnighters, as you called yourself and everyone more appreciative of these wonderful hours in the middle of the night, were seated in the lounge seats, but that was completely fine to you. The barista gave you a welcoming nod and a smile when you watched as he made a cappuccino for another customer. “Hi there”, he said softly, “what can I do for you?” It wasn’t hard to pick what you wanted, but you felt adventurous, you wanted to try something new. You quickly scanned the shop’s chalkboards with the creative hand-lettered list of coffee beverages. “The one with apple spice, what is it?” “Good pick. It’s a limited edition, but it’s what I would recommend.” “I’ll try it, then.” When you chose your seat, you noticed the fairy lights around the seating area and were immediately reminded of your best friend. You wondered what they were doing right now. Probably sleeping, considering the time zone shift and all. Your gaze wandered beyond the glass of the windows and towards the streets, where the ground glimmered like it was wet from this angle. Some people just walked, others stood there, chatting and others just drove by. The harmonious music around you made you feel like a film character, waiting in the gloomy coffeeshop for their perfect date. But you weren’t waiting for anyone, quite opposite of that guy your eyes had spotted, on the other side of the street. He seemed to be watching the street in both directions, not overly obvious, but to you, it was clear he still had hopes for his night to change in tone. A sigh of bliss escaped you when your order was brought to your table. It was not the barista from before who approached you now, but his coworker, the one who had been serving the couple on the other side of the shop when you came in. His eyes were blue in a face that was surrounded by loose brunet strands of hair that had fallen out of his man-bun, but their color was not their most striking feature. No, they seemed to sparkle with radiant energy and wonderful joy, and you could tell he enjoyed being here, even so late at night. “You look cozy”, he smiled at you and nodded at your hoodie-outfit, gently setting your cup of late night goodness down. “How was your day?” You smiled at the young man, who seemed genuinely kind. “Better than I hoped. A lot of work, but hey. I got my reward”, you grinned and noticed the brunet sending quick glances out the window before focusing his attention back to you. He must’ve spotted the waiting man as well. Something changed in the way the waiter stood, so you asked. “How long has he been standing there?” The waiter sent you a look that showed less kindness and more concern than before. “He is waiting for someone”, the waiter answered, slowly, still keeping an eye on the man in the coat, who now pulled out his phone, typing something in. Suddenly, the waiter looked at you, his face going blank for a second. “Shit”, he whispered. What? “You need to get up.” The waiter, his name tag shining in the dim light, saying Bucky, touched your shoulder. “Excuse you? What is going on?” You mustered him, but his expression remained serious. he was completely serious. Was he kicking you out? For what? Mentioning the man outside? “Get up”, Bucky said. “I need you to hug me.” That was it. Confusion had replaced peace and it was all this weirdo’s fault. “No way”, you protested. “You gotta help me out here. It’s just pretend, I swear. I’m sorry you walked in here at this time, this is all very unfortunate.” “What? You got some serious explaining to do, you-” “He’s got a live gun.” The statement hung in the air while soft piano continued to play in the background. Your thoughts were racing.

The waiter put down the tray in his left hand and pulled his serving glove off. Your breath hitched when metal appeared instead of flesh and moved with little whirs. “Stay calm”, he whispered and nudged you. “Get up and hug me. I won’t do anything without telling you, okay? I know this is very strange, but I need you to pretend like we’re friends and haven’t seen each other in a long time. I will get you out of here, I promise.” And there it was, for the fourth time, the adrenaline, but this time, it set your mind on fire, drowning it in panicky thoughts and short prayers. Please, let me get out of here alive. But Bucky had promised he’d get you out. So you did as he’d told you; you stood up, got on your toes and did your best to not seem hesitant as you pressed yourself against his torso. He was definitely better at this, this pretending, because he didn’t just hug you, he spun you around, eliciting a squeal. Next, you found yourself buried into his chest, his nice, toned chest, and completely drowning in the mix of cologne and coffee aroma. “Good job”, he whispered next to your ear and still didn’t let you go. The blond barista walked past you and the waiter. “Back door is under surveillance”, he said, his voice somber, but not laced with fear at all. “Steve. Let’s do Sevilla.” “What’s Sevilla?”, you asked. “The guy is staring. They’re not sure if it’s really us. We’re gonna have to give him a show. Sorry, doll. Do you happen to be a good dancer?” “Depends on you”, you smiled. Maybe this was gonna be great. Maybe this was gonna be fun. You hadn’t danced with a male person yet, not in public, but if Bucky was a good dancer?

A little shiver escaped you when the metal hand grazed your skin when your hoodie had been pulled up in the back. You wondered how Bucky got it, a hand of metal. When your hand carefully wandered up the hand, along the lower arm, the upper arm and came to rest on his shoulder, you noticed it must’ve been all metal, because no muscle was this hard. Bucky smirked when your curious eyes met his. He started swaying to the music that Steve had put on. “You’re cute”, he said and suddenly, every thought of danger was blown away by those two little words. The brunet pulled you a little closer, smiling softly when you blushed. “Thanks, stranger”, you answered with a grin. This did feel good, albeit completely different from dancing on stage. Bucky was massive, had shoulders like a bear and arms like you had never witnessed in real life, but he felt soft. And, which was surprising, his moves were smooth, every part of his body seemed perfectly relaxed and stretched - and you doubted he’d done warm-up stretches behind the shop’s counter. When he rested your head on his shoulder, his breath caressed your neck. “Bucky Barnes, at your service”, he whispered, donning a posh accent, which was charming. A warm stream of delight captured her body then, because the moment was perfect, in a way. In secret, you had always imagined your first date as something silently romantic - with a guy who’d offer you a dance. But now, this was much better. This guy in front of you hadn’t even said anything special, hadn’t poured out his life in front of you, hadn’t tried to woo you with some crazy pick-up line, but he made you want to drown in him because this moment felt so light. When he moved with you, the fairy lights shimmered and the music guided you. Coffee hung in the air and another couple started to dance a couple of feet away from you. “What are you thinking, doll?” “That I could do this forever. You’re an impressive dancer.” “Good to know you think so. When all this is over, would you be so kind to repeat that in front of Steve?” “Barista Steve.” “Captain America Steve.” You grinned. This kept getting better. “Life is crazy”, you muttered and watched the brunet smirk. Again. It was agonizing. His eyes sparkled like he was having the time of his life. He made your stomach tingle, even raised all the little hairs on your arms and your neck. And every time he captured your eyes, it irked you that he knew exactly what he was doing to you. “What do you want to say?”, he whispered. “Nothing”, you lied, but not because you didn’t want to tell him, you just didn’t know how. “You owe me that apple spice latte.” “No, that’s not it”, he mused. He was an assassin, dammit, why could he read you like that? The music changed and Bucky changed the dance, into something even closer. “Is that guy still watching?” “Everyone is watching, love. And I don’t blame them. You’re gorgeous.” “Bucky?” “Hm.” “It doesn’t feel like a pretend date anymore”, you whispered, carefully, while searching his eyes. Slowly, he rested his forehead against yours. The cheeky delight seemed to wander from his eyes into your heart immediately. His voice was husky when he spoke again. “Would you rather it did?” The question left you breathless. You were captured in that one, tender moment, in arms that held you like a precious discovery, in music that softened your heart. Bucky’s eyes filled your view, the blue a promise of genuine delight, of truth and kindness. You couldn’t help but marvel at his beautiful face, at his cheeks, his nose and then, those lips that were halfway open, tender lips ready to shower you with affection. It seemed Bucky read your mind, in this state of connectedness, because as soon as you’d imagined it, his hand touched your cheek, taking the lead. Your eyes closed, the magic unfolded and in a second, your body was overflowing with sweetness. Bucky’s lips were on yours, guided by magic and precious harmony. The fairy lights dipped his face into a golden shimmer when you separated. “Me neither”, Bucky breathed and placed a kiss on your forehead while pulling you against his torso. “Did I mention you were cute?” “I bet Steve doesn’t tell you how good of a kisser you are.” Bucky chuckled. “She’s charming, too. Who would’ve known, the hoodie princess saved my entire mission.” “Well, what can I say”, you grinned and spun, “dancing is my specialty. Right after saving helpless supersoldiers at midnight.” “I wasn-“ Before he could say anything, you placed your lips on his and initiated what you later called one of your most precious memories in decades of happiness with the charming stranger from the moonlight coffeeshop.

Masterlist

Permanent Tags: @nataliarxmanxva , @aubzylynn , @inappropriatepirate , @buckysmusculararm, @coffeeismylife28, @mitra-k-w , @captainmomofoshosho, @sarahwroteathing, @engineeringgirlcve, @borderline-person, @tequilavet, @aquabrie

#buckybarnes #woop #happybirthday #sofiaandsophia #loveyou #steverogers #youresoprecious

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russellthornton · 7 years

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Nervous Sweating: Recognize the Triggers and Stop Stress Sweats

Believe it or not, nervous sweating is a common problem. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re perspiring profusely during your date. So, let’s stop it.

Sweating might be sexy when you’re between the sheets, but nervous sweating is anything but. Yes, nervous sweating can be an embarrassing and annoying problem, especially if you’re on a first date or trying to pick someone up. At first, you’re cool and charming, and the next minute you’ve got swimming pools in your underarms. Not a good look.

Humans sweat one liter per day. This seems like an excessive amount, but most of it evaporates as soon as it leaves your body. If you find you are sweating more than this every day you may be dealing with stress sweat. Actually, nervous sweating is a form of social anxiety usually associated with hyperhidrosis. Just another little quirk those with social stresses have to deal with.

Here’s how to stop excessive sweating and save your laundry from pit stains!

Why do people sweat?

Thermoregulation is the processes where your brain calls up your sweat glands and tells them it’s time to start raining out your body. This is done to keep your body cool and, well, regulated! People sweat for plenty of reasons including exercise, stress, food, sickness, heat, and you guessed it: nerves.

Male sweat glands are more active than female ones, which is why men generally sweat more than women. Not that there aren’t times when women take the gold medal for perspiration. Here’s looking at you, hormonal changes! [Read: Gynophobia – The fear of women and ways to overcome it]

Who’s the culprit?

If you’re looking for someone to blame, look no further than your own body. That’s right, it turned against you!

There are two types of sweat glands. First, there are the eccrine glands. These are responsible for the sweaty heads, faces, hands, and feet. Second are the apocrine glands. These are responsible for underarm and groin sweat, as well as stress-related perspiring.

Why nervous sweating is annoying

Not only is nervous sweating embarrassing, it’s also pretty annoying. Those who suffer from excessive perspiration know what it’s like to carry deodorant and an extra shirt in their cars. Not fun. Here are just some of the reasons nervous sweating is annoying.

#1 It stinks. Sweat, by nature, doesn’t actually have a scent. But when the bacteria on your skin starts to salsa with your sweat, they begin to multiply and cause body odor. This is not a good time. [Read: Social anxiety to social butterfly – how to be less awkward]

#2 It leaves stains. Those who use white solid antiperspirants will probably notice the buildup of tiny snowmen underneath your arms during the day. Attractive, right? Not only are these white balls annoying, they also stain your clothes.

#3 Heat rash sucks. Candida yeast naturally found on your skin can actually cause a rash when there is a buildup of sweat on your body. This will usually occur between the thighs and around your armpits. Heat rash can also occur if you are allergic to your deodorant or if you aggravate your skin with tight, synthetic fabrics.

When your wet skin comes into rubbing contact with another part of your body over and over, you will probably find yourself with a rash of red, painful bumps. These can take days to go away and cause extreme discomfort.

Why people suffer from excessive, nerrvous sweating

Sweating is a natural function of your body. This is going to happen when you are over-exerted, nervous, or even drunk. However, nervous sweating is usually caused by one of four triggers. One of these are probably why you’re getting sweat stains. [Read: The socially awkward person’s guide to flirting]

#1 Social anxiety and stress. Stress can trigger your large apocrine glands. When you get sweaty during social interactions, you will probably also notice your heart begin to race and your adrenaline heighten.

Anxiety triggers how the body reacts to certain situations. Since your adrenaline has kicked in and your breathing has quickened, your sweat glands will soon follow suit.

#2 Hyper-stimulation. When under extreme stress, the body starts to have a stress reaction. This stress response tricks the body into thinking it’s in danger, and the body begins to react accordingly. This usually results in sweaty palms, hot and cold sweats, and involuntary sweating at any time for seemingly no reason at all.

#3 Worrying about sweating. Yeah, this one sucks. The more you worry about social nervous sweating, the more likely you are to psyche your body into following through. You can combat this with deep breathing exercises. [Read: How not to be nervous – 18 calm ways to eliminate nerves instantly]

Breathe in through your nose and hold your breath for several seconds before exhaling slowly through the mouth. Your exhale should take about 6 seconds. Self-acceptance is also important. So you may as well acknowledge that yes, you’re going to sweat in public, but it’s going to go away – why worry?

How to stop nervous sweating

Now that you know the ‘who’s and what’s’ of the world of sweating, it’s time to learn how to cope with it. Here are 7 simple tips and tricks for dealing with nervous sweating.

#1 Wear deodorant. Deodorant vs. antiperspirant. It goes without saying that if you suffer from chronic sweating, you should be wearing some kind of underarm protection. Here is the difference between deodorant and antiperspirant.

Deodorant: A deodorant is usually a scented substance applied to the underarms that will help prevent the bacterial breakdown that causes body odor. This is not meant to prevent sweating, it is meant to prevent the odor associated with sweating.

Antiperspirant: An antiperspirant is also a scented gel or solid applied to the underarms. However, this type of deodorant by works by blocking your sweat glands. Antiperspirants are usually more powerful than a regular deodorant, but one could argue that sweat is *supposed* to leave the body, not stay trapped inside.

Antiperspirants also use chemicals like aluminum, which aren’t the healthiest for your body. If you use antiperspirants, try not to pack it on one layer after another. If you feel you need a touch-up, wash your armpits off with soap and water firs,t and then reapply. This will help prevent unnecessary pore blockage.

Whichever method you choose, make sure you’re wearing underarm protection every day and take a travel sized bar with you for on-the-go emergencies.

PS: You can become resistant to your deodorants. It’s recommended that you switch your deodorant every 6 months to keep your body guessing!

#2 Watch what you eat. Have you ever heard of “coffee sweats”? Caffeine can cause adrenaline levels to spike and trigger your eccrine glands. Put simply, caffeine increases sweating. Spicy foods, alcohol, and nicotine should also be avoided, as they can trigger sweating. What better time to quit smoking?

#3 Take up exercise. Is it counterproductive to take up a habit that causes your body to sweat in order to prevent excess sweating? Absolutely not! Exercising is a healthy way to reduce anxiety and stimulate happy-go-lucky endorphins. Exercise can also tire out your body. The less energy you have, the less your body will be able to produce heat and sweat. [Read: Sweaty sex – 12 animalistic reasons why it’s so dripping hot]

#4 Stay hydrated throughout the day. Sweating, especially in excess, can actually dehydrate your body. Make sure you are drinking at least 8 glasses, or 30-50 ounces of water each day to maintain a healthy self.

#5 Stay calm. Easier said than done, obviously. To avoid whirling into a sweaty panic, try visualizing yourself as calm and collected. Other ideas include listening to calming music, reading a book, or doing breathing exercises. The more you think about yourself being relaxed, the less your nervous system will spin out on overdrive. [Read: Stop being socially awkward – 13 steps that’ll change you for good]

#6 Get a good night’s rest. Sleep plays an integral role in the overall health of your body. Get a good night’s rest of at least eight hours and give your body time to recover from the day.

#7 Wear clothes that allow your skin to breathe. If you have a social engagement, try and plan your outfit ahead of time. If you know you’re going to be at an event, dress accordingly. Stick to clothes that won’t create excess body heat. Clothes that allow your body to breathe will be better for your body and your confidence.

[Read: 10 Motivational tips-n-tricks for introverts and shy people]

Not only is nervous sweating embarrassing, it can also be incredibly frustrating to live with. Whether you perspire due to anxiety, social phobia, or because you’re wary about an upcoming date, it’s comforting to know that you can overcome nervous sweating.

The post Nervous Sweating: Recognize the Triggers and Stop Stress Sweats is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

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