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carelesstemper · 7 months

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I feel like a terrible person

I shouldn’t feel the way I do and maybe this whole infatuation is just built on deeper issues with me. I think I hold on to this cause I feel wanted. Even though he doesn’t physically tell me, its in the gestures and the second glances. Like two stupid idiots holding onto this idea of happiness we see in each other. Idk, Im just trying to justify this because it feels right. I havent felt this way since RD. and like, Im just remembering how easy it was to just hold onto this false image of love and place these ideas onto this person because he shows me an ounce of attraction or attention. Theres parts of him I really like and other parts that I don’t know if I can be okay with.

The reason why I feel terrible is bc Im technically the other woman. Its never anything physical but completely like, emotional. He has this life and his shit together. On the outside it just looks like he has it all. And maybe im wrong. Obviously im wrong.

And whats even worse is its not just this one sided thing I can get over easily. He strings me along and he knows. He is very much aware and my friends tell me well he’s shitty and hes never going to leave her no matter how much he tells you he wants you more. But when I talk to him I just don’t feel like what they say is true.

Im also just scared that I feel just a little bit more. I mean there are times when I can acknowledge that hes not what i want and hes the last person I want to be associated with but then theres other times where I feel lonely and I feel like no one wants me and its so easy to go to him to get that validation. The affection i crave. Its like the fairy tale kind of thing whenever Im around him and maybe I shouldn’t say it. He feels like what I’ve been searching for my entire life and maybe thats a bit extreme and I honestly feel ashamed to say it. But if i don’t then its bottled up inside and I want to scream. Its so wrong and perhaps thats what pulls me in more. Would I feel this way towards him if he didn’t have all this other stuff going on? Would I enjoy his company even if he was single and had that freedom to be with me?

Its like this dramatic love story with a crazy plot and it has you feeling and wishing that the girl gets the guy in the end. I don’t think that this is how it’s going to end. I feel like from this point on i need to actually move on. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know if I can. But I wont know unless I try.

I don’t want to be that girl who gets in the middle of another persons relationship for my own selfish reasons. I don’t want to end up being the girl who thinks he wouldn’t do it to me too. I don’t want to be the terrible person.

Idk this whole thing just has me questioning my morals. My belief system. Its not entirely my fault. I knew what I was getting into too but I didn’t think it would come to this. Its so hard to stop feelings from growing when you keep putting yourself in the same environment where that person is.

I think theres something we’re both lacking in our lives that brings us to each other in drunken moments. Something that has us slipping into conversations we’re too scared to have when we’re sober.

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bondedtrauma · 2 years

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send a url and i’ll tell you what i think of them! / ACCEPTING let me talk about u!!!!!

@miasmalungs asked : ❤️ + me

tomy 🤝 me

loving horror aesthetics

lobotomy i LOVE ur filthy rot brain. the aesthetics that your blog + muses hold are so FUCKING!!!! GOOD! we don’t have NEAR enough interactions on this blog NOR MY MULTI. i’m gonna bodyslam u into discord for plotting. also i hope u like the nickname ‘tomy’ because it’s sticking for life. i love your psd for your icons! it makes me want to switch my own to match lol. it can fit a lot more of an expression in a bigger canvas and brrrrr it scratches my brain. your blog aesthetic is so perfectly creepy and i ADORE IT. i love our alpha conversations ooc on discord too! some of the shit u and leo be saying tho.......my god i added both of the biggest crazies on this hellsite. also ur graphics are all gorg and i love seeing u post edits/reading new bios!

as for MUSES: HISAO is such a rat i love him SO MUCH. i want to write more with him and kaneki ofc -- they have such a funny dynamic and even if ken pushes him around he really loves his company :) he’s starting to see him as a dad figure that he always craved as a kid and it makes me....angsty. 12/10!!!!! AGELOS is a character i just KNOW elli’s savior complex would just jump out at. i havent interacted with him yet but i just read his bio / interactions and ;w; WEEP!!!! i’m taking him away from u bc ur too mean to him. i wanna kiss their little forehead and tell them tht theyve done enough.

IZZABEL is so interesting to me ! i havent interacted with them yet, but i see her threads on my dash with other ppl and im always just so ENTRANCED by her. the best word i can use to describe her is just haunting. they are another oc i just wanna hug and say everything will be okay!!!!! i hope she finds peace at one point UGH. deserved. ELLIOT has such an intriguing backstory! the mystique of finding out that you dont actually know as much as you thought you did about someone is always a harrowing experience, and i feel like that could be explored so well within lovelace’s psyche. mwah i love that trope tldr LOL.

i haven’t yet interacted with JUNIOR, but i’m always SO excited to see his threads on my dash. he is the literal definition of ‘ little shit ‘ , and i feel like sekiko would wanna punt him across a football field. i crave that interaction LOL. i don’t know much about him quite yet, but i want to learn ! hanako being his fc fits ur blogs aesthetic too oml...pats him on the head. he seems like someone who would bite. does he bite? EUN is my favorite muse on ur blog. like hands down i adore him. i actively look forward to seeing his threads with you and my mutuals. he is SO FUCKING FUNNY. like he’s not even trying to be but the threads have me cracking up each time. also his BROTHER is hot and thats extra points. he’s such a brat and elli would mother him 100%. if he ever tried a pick up line on sekiko she would laugh in his face. ALSO putting the rest under a read more because its getting long lol

DAEJEON yes sirrrrr!!!! im proud to say i was the first like on ur first starter call for him after his creation. clocked in a .4076 miliseconds because i’m just built that different. i love the interaction that he and elli held, and i think they could have a really cute platonic/sibling dynamic!! she just needs to be looked after 24/7 she gets into so much trouble just because of her naivete all the time. another possible plot could be them working together seeing that she interns in cyber forensics :) i always love ocs with chainsawman characters as a fc and MIER is no exception!! i love the uncanny valley vibe he has going and want to see more of him on my dash!!!! LET ME INTERACT WITH HIM!!!!

grabs SYBIL by the neck and squeezes him like a squeaky toy. I LOVE HIM. i love characters like him and idc if its problematic i just adore them. hes so creepy and rude and the idea of him wearing/creating masks is SO cool. he and sekiko’s past threads have cracked me up and we should have more of them!! GIVE ME A STARTER FOR HIMMM I COULD FIX HIM. GORI is so heartbreaking!!!! i have a thing for being TERRIFIED of losing my s/o and gori’s backstory is so sad :( i can’t imagine having to raise a kid after such a Wild(tm) incident. he has all of my support and i want to give him a forehead kiss....

JURO my love!!!!!! he’s reminiscent of frankenstein’s monster for me, and i just LOVE him. he’s so precious to me tbh idek why i have such an attachment to this muse. i just DO. grabby hands give me more of him!! SEVEN is such a perfect twist on the guardian angel trope. we haven’t had many interactions, but he was so kind to sekiko and i just want to hug him!! he seems so gentle and kindhearted but know you hes probably secretly fucked up LOL. CASINO is the coolest name ever so i wanna get that out of the way LOL. i love disturbed characters and i love putting elli in front of them with her ‘ i can fix them ‘ mindset. please let her try to fix him. he’s so gross but i LOVEH IM!!!! nasty, nasty, NASTY. i wanna know why sybil let him go 👀 and, lastly, tomatsu! i don’t believe i’ve seen any interactions with him yet, nor interact, but his design is SO COOL. i want to see a thread of him going feral <3

tldr: follow lobotomy for pretty graphics and wild muses!!!! plot wiht me tomy

#( IM SO SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG i wanted to cover each muse!!!! )#i. ⊱ writer. › ooc.#( i love seeing u on my dash and hope for more interactions soon!!!! ily!!!! )

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glasyasbutch · 4 years

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Based on this post.

im gonna do what rebekah did and discuss the potential of oc /oc ships. However i have 10 of them on this blog and i will not be doing this 45 times so im limiting myself to active ocs only, which puts me at 16, which is still a lot but this blog is for me and im a slut for my own characters. (I tried to do it in the tags but tumblr cut me off cause its lesbophobic.) lets get crackin.

gildy/anyone: no. thats grandma. now this isn't to say that i won't ship gildy with anyone; i have before and will again; but it's got to be someone her own age which no other oc is close to (rip to that one npc who made magic ceramics in her first campaign that i was tryna date before the campaign fell apart) Verdict: No Cradle Robbing

craving/tov: oh GOD it would go so bad . they both hate themselves so much and manifest it as a brusque aggressiveness they'd fucking attack each other within hours. even a one night stand might be pushing the limits of their patience. Verdict: Do Not Recommend

craving/ezra: i would LOVE to watch these two sit down and talk about philosophy; because they have genuinely the exact opposite takes on life. they both got dunked on and had someone important taken from them at a young age and craving said FUCK IT im gonna be mean since the world hates me and ezra said FUCK IT im gonna be nice and hope the world loves me back eventually. and it would be so fucking interesting to see them try and convince the other why they're right. however. should not date. Verdict: Bad Romantic Material

craving/nissy: this would go literally the exact same way as nissy and zier. like the ExACT same way. they'd find each other attractive at first; make it a few weeks or something; the sexiness would wear off and they'd find each other insufferable but Not want to break up because they're stubborn and also getting something out of dating the other one. (craving likes that nissy's rich and also his cool shadow guy; nissy likes that craving's all about 'fuck the system' and also maybe a teensy little bit is into the idea of getting a glasya pact too). if they were to meet nakoria in this universe they also would both fuck her and then not tell the other about it. Verdict: Hilarious But Unsustainable.

craving/ebbie: i literally can't even conceptualize this. i c. i can't. i think ebbie would be genuinely terrified of craving. Verdict: No.

craving/roona: Ohhhhhhhh YES baby. mischief squad in the fucking HOUSE. they would get along absolutely fantastically i think. No impulse control, so many crimes! neither of them would really be ones to try and make it work long term but they'd have a fucking AMAZING couple months together and part on good terms. Plus craving has a thing for short girls Verdict: Good Short Term Ship.

tov/ezra: other people would ship them because they have such similar vibes. but i dont think either of them necessarily would want to date for exactly that reason. now you might say but didnt tov fall in love with savra because they have similar backstories? yes BUT they're at very different points in their recovery. ezra and tov are too close. come back to it once both their campaigns are over and they might make a very sweet couple. Verdict: Slow Burn 250k Words

tov/nissy: i feel like tov would take one look at nissy and kind of just. leave. nissy would be into tov tho. he likes the rugged bad boy vibes. he'd think he was mysterious and handsome. and we know he seems to have a thing for sorcerers. Verdict: One Sided Crush

tov/ebbie: they'd get along Really well but it'd be more of a mentor/mentee dynamic. they both like to build things and want to find simple softness in the world but don't trust that they can have it. ebbie has a much more excited and babbly demeanor bc he's a Loud Anxious and tov is much more laid back and calmer because he’s a Quiet Anxious. tov would see him as a kid that’s probably gonna turn out ok, but i dont know if he’d really be able to tell that ebbie’s got some fucked up in there. ebbie would be way better at seeing through tov’s walls, and would follow him around almost like a lost dog bc tov like. Actually Gets Him and he wants to learn as much as he can and you know what if there’s a baby crush there, there’s a baby crush there. Verdict: I Hate To Say It But This One’s A Notice Me Senpai

tov/roona: roona would call tov a narc within 30 seconds of meeting him and any Possible feelings on his end would die instantly. Roona would be far more into teasing him than into him. It’d be a cute dynamic where they act like they can’t stand each other and insist that they’re not even friends but like when it comes down to it, they have a fairly good time together and will defend each other against anyone else trying to fuck with them. Bonus Points for them both being super gullible. Verdict: Only I Get To Be Mean To Them

ezra/nissy: on paper, they’re both like trying to be heroic good guys and struggling a little bit, so they should get along. But like in practice. Oh my god. they couldn’t fucking STAND each other but they’d have to because they’re trying to do the same things more or less and like, Ezra is trying SO HARD to find selflessness in Nissy and Nissy is trying SO HARD to make Ezra care literally At All about himself, and anyone who interacts with them trying to adventure is kinda just like uh ...... you know i’ll just wait while you two work this out. Verdict: Buddy Cop Dynamic

ezra/ebbie: i really don’t have strong feelings about this one like, i think they’d get along fine. they’re both just kinda dudes trying to do good and they’d vibe with each other but they’re not quite as similar as ebbie and tov to have any kind of strong dynamic. it’s like when two bus drivers wave at each other while passing in the street and its like YAHOO for one second and then they’ve passed each other. Verdict: If You’re Into Bland Ships To Self Project On

ezra/roona: very good friendship dynamic here. ezra knows that there’s good in roona and is content to wait with her while it worms its way out, and roona is glad to have someone to check her and occasionally get talked into doing some stupid shit. ezra gets a new baby sister, roona gets a second vinny. Verdict: It’s Familiar But Not Too Familiar

nissy/ebbie: ajskdfjsdjfisdjfsakfdjfdsakljfisaodf sadfkdsajfasdjfasfsdfjsiof hsadfjsdfsahfsdfjsdoifhsdf Verdict: Hhsdfkjasdhiuf

ebbie/roona: so. ebbie has had to deal with an unstable 11 year old before, and keep her out of trouble, and roona has had a vinny to pull her out of bad situations before, so they like. Half understand the dynamic between them. Ebbie’s too much of a pushover though, or Roona’s too little of one, and so instead of like being a voice of reason that actually stops the bad ideas ebbie’s more just getting dragged into situation after situation that he is NOT comfortable and having to smooth everything over when all’s said and done. and like, they still enjoy each other’s company when they’re not in deep shit. they both lean pretty heavily towards same gender rather than not, so like they probably wouldn’t be into each other, but there’s a slight chance. Verdict: Disney Channel Original Movie Protagonist + Scared Best Friend Dynamic

nissy/roona: you’d think it’d go badly, and by all accounts it should, but it doesn’t. nissy loves how spontaneous and wild roona is and loves the freer side of him that it brings out, and roona likes nissy’s careful intelligence that can be equally well applied to proper societal actions and also stupid pranks. low wis gang gets each other’s impulsiveness and doesn’t judge when things go wrong, but they’re always by each other’s sides to help get the other out of a pickle. they both stick out like sore thumbs in a crowd and don’t mind bouncing around from place to place because home isn’t really somewhere they want to head back to, but it’s alright, because they have consistency in each other. god fucking damn it i’m actually into this. Verdict: Bastards In Love

#craving #tov #gildy #ezra #nissy #ebbie #roona #long post

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rontra · 5 years

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ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is good, anyway!!!!)

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

#mwot #second time's the charm

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