RIGHT YEAH I was also thinking about the scenario of Jo accompanying Masato in relation to this, in the vein of… that'd solidify that the whole lie was always about His Family and not The Family right… because what can Jo even DO for the family while he's away? He's more than a glorified accountant.

Though thinking about it, he probably wouldn't have been away too long, at least compared to a prison sentence for murder. Because Masato only faked his death in 2004 (at the very latest, I guess; it's when the news went public) and Bleach Japan was founded "almost 20 years" prior to 2019, at which point Aoki and Ogasawara had already graduated and returned to Japan.

That and Aoki wasn't in a wheelchair anymore when he met Ogasawara at Harvard, so perhaps Jo would only really /need/ to stay for the procedure and Aoki's physical therapy and all, though of course I can see him staying longer. Still, not too long, all things considered.

So this scenario's kind of the worst of both worlds, because perhaps those first couple of years it's Arakawa's own stubbornness, and then the rest of his family has to go away anyway. And he's so sure in that time what he needs is to be with his family again and he'll at least feel less alone, miss Ichi less.

But then Masato's Aoki now and only really staying in touch to use him and the Arakawa Family's resources for his own gain, and Jo--as you perfectly put it--doesn't know how to emotionally take care of him. So things he should be ecstatic about--seeing his son walk on his own two legs for the first time and having his right hand man back in action--end up bittersweet at best. Aiiieeeeee……

OH YEAH SHINJI I half-remembered there was a visit in 1 but not who actually went to visit Kiryu sorry for doing you like that my boy </3 still counts as part of a pattern to me though… subordinate visiting his aniki…

SPEAKING OF KIRYU. Yeah. Typical Kiryu L. Kazuma Kiryu you have blood on your hands and NOT in the funney Reddit meme way… ABSOLUTELY DERANGED to blame Ichi for anything in the ending whatsoever though like WHAT. He got him immediate medical attention and WE AS THE AUDIENCE don't even have time to react, let alone anyone living the fucking moment good god my blood pressure is spiking

ALSO THE JO POST… YEAH… yeah yeah yeah that's the shit I'm talking about… and like. This is where localization frustrates me so Bear With My Complaints a moment but his very last line is mistranslated in both versions, the sub in terms of what he was actually saying and the dub in terms of giving him this bitchy, flippant tone that doesn't convey his intent. So I'll cut them down the middle and say it's "[The] legit [way]? The word has never crossed my mind, not once."

There's just something to it as a clear thesis for his whole life and his eventual fate. Like of course Adachi means in terms of going through the proper legal processes, but words like proper, legit, decent, these also have clear connotations of adequacy. So for him to literally say NOTHING he's done has been adequate in his eyes perfectly illustrates what you were saying. Like he's always taken it as a matter of fact that nothing he could do would be enough, like that's a truth woven into his existence so tightly he never even thought about it. And now there really is nothing he can do.

i have my own theoretical timeline on masato's stay in america, but even with what we have there's a lot of variables involved with for exactly when certain events happened

under the assumption masato was to enroll at harvard in the fall of 2001 (assuming he was somehow able to be approved for a lung transplant as soon as that year), then jo would- at max- might only have to be abroad for (assuming they leave in january) nine months (to account for the time it took for masato to get approved for surgery and then the surgery itself plus the potential 3-6 month recovery period afterwards)

alternatively, if masato had to wait a year- two max if we're being optimistic so he could graduate on time under an accelerated 2-year academic schedule to get surgery- then jo, similarly, would have to be abroad for a similar amount of time.

the time gone doesn't matter too much i guess: arakawa will still be left alone for a long time, and that really couldnt have been easy either way. the time his family's gone only makes their comeback all the more bittersweet, as you put it (´▽｀;;)

OH BUT YEAH NO THE Y7 BIT THAT SHIT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH WHEN I READ IT like mates were trying to be smart about it like 'wow ichi way to go showing how much you love aoki and how you'd do anything for him 🙄' like God Forbid a human character acts human and imperfect what the fuck you want him to do he aint got no goddamn spidey sense how the shit was he supposed to know (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

but yeah.. speaking of Doing The Right Thing jo's never ending feelings of inadequacy are my favorite </3 cause its like.. it's a reason why i love jo so much if i can be weird to say: what he did wasnt something that you can confidently forgive or try to say 'he's done the most to rectify this' or anything like that because putting a baby in a coin locker's like.. a lot of steps are involved to do that.. not really a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing that would have grounds to forgive yourself for.. so the fact jo knows this and just has that intense guilt- it's my bread and butter to say the least 😔

I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.

There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:

They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.

This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)

And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.

And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.

However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?

I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.

autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!

And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.

There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.

I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.

I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.

self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

Long overdue update!!

At long last the much promised and oft delayed blog post update that I've been promising off and on for MONTHS. Going to cover a huge range of topics here, therefore nothing that I cover will get extensive depth or attention. Will cover the App Store status, nControl, chimeraTV, electraTV, uicache / ldrestart recent changes / snafu, DalesDeadBug update, cycripter and any known issues that are occuring with any of the above. Will also include a link to a handy tutorial for saving OTA blobs for the 4K AppleTV, just in case we find a way to make them useful!

Saving 4K OTA blobs covered by idownloadblog:

nitoTV App Store

This is several months behind schedule, and at this point its pretty much entirely my fault. I still need to do some payment processing work on the amazon front regarding declined cards / failed payments, etc. Im going to be looking into this immediately after i finish writing this post. 

If you hadn't noticed the new nito.tv website launched at the same time chimera(TV) did. You may have also noticed a beta code for people to help beta test it before i finally launch it, there is no way to get this code yet, not until i finish the payment work I mentioned above. Off the top of my head, this is the only thing holding us back anymore. 

nControl

Obviously nControl was released a few months ago, to resoundingly positive response (thank you!) It's available on chariz repo for 10$ and is currently my only source of income, so all purchases are greatly appreciated! If you need any additional details about nControl in general I kindly redirect you to the exhaustively documented wiki page that I maintain on the subject: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/nControl

The tvOS version is only available through patreon and i'd actually prefer that people no longer go that route, patreon makes it WAY too much effort to get the money they owe you so I massively regret doing that in the first place, just didn't want to launch iOS and tvOS separetely and honestly thought the store would wrap up shortly thereafter.

chimeraTV

For the first time (potentially ever) the tvOS jailbreak was released in tandem with the iOS version of the Electra Teams *OS 12 jailbreak. This was a momentus occasion and was a large source of me being delayed from focusing on completing the nitoTV App Store. Its a rock solid jailbreak (especially with latest release) and I'm quite proud to maintain the tvOS version of it. It covers 12.0 - > 12.1.1 on tvOS, this is due to the fact the Apple staggers version numbers between iOS and tvOS for some unknown and maddening reason. For instance (12.1.2 on iOS == 12.1.1 on tvOS). It drives me just as mad as it does the rest of you, but it's been like that since the beginning of ARM based AppleTVs (send gen +) So I doubt it will ever change.

Candidly it was a bit of a challenge to get AppleBetas awesome UI to cooperate on tvOS but i'm glad iIforced myself to use the same code as much as possible (lots of ifdefs), since its written in Swift you can imagine the fight I put up to avoid using the same code base for the UI stuff. Eventually I acquiesced (yes I do make concessions!)

electraTV

Wow it's really been a long time since i've updated this blog (sorry!) electraTV was released several months before chimera (well the initial versions were, the 11.4.1 iteration wasn't THAT long ago) The electra jailbreak covers ALL versions of 11 (11.0->11.4.1) In its latest jailbreakd2 based iteration it is incredibly stable and reliable. Not much else to say about it!

uicache / ldrestart changes

I wasted most of last week fighting against issues with ldrestart. If you aren't familiar with ldrestart it is responsible for running after jailbreaking or loading any new Tweaks to make sure anything they may inject into gets restarted. With the older version of jailbreakd (in backr00m & versions of electraTV that supported 11.2.1->11.3, but not 11.4.1) couldn't handle the speed at which all the daemons get reloaded by ldrestart, this would lead to a lockup that would result in the system eventually rebooting (after being locked up for several minutes).

ldrestart has actually always been an issue, even when i used a kpp bypass in greeng0blin (Im fairly certain thats accurate!) So as a workaround i used to 'killall -9 backboardd' That would respring enough different things (PineBoard, HeadBoard et al) that i would be sufficient for the things i most commonly injected. Obviously this is a hacky stopgap, and uicache used to also kill a variety of other processes to cover them as well (lsd, appstored, etc) to help cover things like DalesDeadBug. 

After coolstar re-wrote uikitools (including uicache) i decided it was probably a good time for me to take a look at uicache again. If you want to know how much of a hassle and challenge uicache was in the earlier days (pre APFS) read some of the older posts on this blog. It's history is covered ad naeuseum.

Since we no longer need to load from /var/mobile/Applications, a lot of the extra hurdles in uicache have ceased to be necessary, essentially all that is really needed is [[LSApplicationWorkspace defaultWorkspace] _LSPrivateRebuildApplicationDatabasesForSystemApps:YES internal:YES user:NO]; + tweak to force App states to return TRUE for isEnabled. 

In the course of thinning down uicache I decided it'd be a good time to try and get ldrestart working on tvOS. After battling with it off an on all last week I came up with something that appeared to work pretty consistently on tvOS 12. Instead of being thorough and testing on 10.2.2->11.4.1 as well I hastily released it. This lead some people to get stuck in respring loops / lockups that eventually restarted the device. This was due to the fact that uicache:restart in postinst scripts would trigger ldrestart instead of uicache in nitoTV. 

In the older version of uicache there was an issue that existed once our new apps were loaded in the UI, a respring was never "required" but if it didn't occur all applications would exhibit weird behavior where they wouldnt launch, or wouldnt exit once launched, etc, to "fix" that I made it always kill backboardd as a compromise. Since this was also no longer necessary I made uicache killing backboardd "optional" by appending -r. Lack of forsite here, the old nitoTV wouldn't know backboardd wouldn't respring anymore, nor to run ldrestart when finish:restart was received, this lead to people getting stuck with a red progress indicator forever when trying to update to latest (at the time) version of nitoTV.

Due to the depth and gravity of the issue I sidelined getting ldrestart working in backr00m (one of the only places it has show stopping issues still) I reverted to uicache always respringing until I have time to revisit the issue.

In conjunction with deciding I was pouring too much time into this issue Chimera 1.0.6 was released the other night with massive stability improvements. Libtakeover & related injection was stripped out into inject_criticald  which provided massively stability improvements for the jailbreak, this made focusing on getting that out a few hours after the iOS release a very high priority.

The big takeaway from all of this:

* uicache run by itself (no arguments) is sufficient to gets apps loaded / removed after installing them into /Applications.

* ldrestart is part of uikittools on tvOS now and should be safe to run on latest electraTV release and chimeraTV release, but won't work at all on backr00m.

if you have installed a tweak and it doesnt seem to be working, try running ldrestart, it should help.

sleepy/wake

Part of the uicache update came the addition of 'sleepy' and 'wake' binaries. Use them from the command line to sleep or wake your AppleTV.

DalesDeadBug

This was recently updated to spoof newer versions, if you can't seem to get it working after installing it, prime candidate to run ldrestart after installing or making changes to that don't seem to be propogating. It works to get SteamLink installed on tvOS 10.2.2, but crashes immediately, not sure if im going to be able to fix it. It won't be possible to make that a priority (I looked into it briefly, thats the best I can do for now). 

If you need more info on what DalesDeadBug does, please read the wiki page: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/DalesDeadBug

Cycripter

If you didn't notice, yesterday I decided to take one more brief detour to rectify a glaring deficiency in recent jailbreaks, inability to use cycript. I might have my differences with saurik recently, but this is still one of the most amazing projects he ever undertook and gifted to us. 

cycripter / CycriptLoader.dylib have been updated and open sourced to make it easier to use cycript on iOS or tvOS. All details necessary can be viewed on the wiki and the git.nito.tv repo. 

More Details: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/Cycript

Known Issues

I havent kept a very exhaustive list of these, so I'm only going to cover two that I can think of right now.

* Infuse doesn't work on chimeraTV. 

Try launching infuse before running the jailbreak (so if you are currently in a jailbroken state, reboot first) 

if you run the jailbreak after Infuse has already been open it will work. I don't think it is necessarily any jailbreak detection, but it may be some kind of a protecetion from code injection, im honestly not sure.

* Music app doesn't work

Try updating to the latest version of chimeraTV on https://chimera.sh it didn't work in the prior version for me either, but after the latest install it started working.

Wrap-up

That's it for now, my core focus after this post is going to be to wrap up work on my long delayed tvOS App Store. I really hope to get it wrapped up this week or next. Stay tuned! And if you made it down this far, thanks!!

how i got a 29 the first time i took the act

i just wanted to give you guys some tips! not all of these work for everyone though so keep that in mind. also, i am going to take the test again in april for those interestedin knowing

to preface: i took the test while pretty sick and it was the morning after the opening night for a Christmas dinner i do each year, so i got maybe 6 hours of sleep. not the best conditions

my scores

composite score of 29

english score of 31

mathematics score of 26

reading score of 31

science score of 29

science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) score of 28

understanding complex texts of "above proficient"

progress toward career readiness of "progress toward gold level NCRC"

some general tips

choose a test center close to you. you will not want to wake up for the test. you will not want to drive there. it doesnt matter if youre unfamiliar with the place, people will be there to help you. but bring your own pencils and an eraser, they probably wont help you with those.

try to get as much sleep as possible. i didnt get much so to force myself awake i took a cold shower, but no caffeine because i feared crashing.

my breakfast that day was just some poptarts while i drove to the testing center, but i started to get hungry during the break. for the next test, im going to plan better and eat some cereal or toast.

take advantage of all leftover time. for me this meant going back to the questions i was super unsure of and making sure im satisfied with my answer choice as well as making sure all bubbles on my answer sheet were filled in enough. it also meant taking 5 minute naps where i drooled on the test booklet a little. oops?

use your break wisely. the testing center i was at had vending machines so i borrow a dollar from my friend and ate some m&m's as a pick me up. i also put a bunch of cough drops in my jacket pocket. after i did this in the span of like 3 minutes i went back to my room and took a nap.

take advantage of the fact that everything is multiple choice (except the essay portion, obviously) because it reallycomes in handy.

i didnt really struggle with nerves because i went into the test with the mindset "i get what i get". i had done what i felt was necessary to prepare and i knew this wouldnt be my last time. realistically, my act or sat score could be the thing that keeps me from entering my dream college (a school with a 7% admission rate and average act score of 34) but i am happy with my other choices of colleges. i have done all that i can do (which in this case was like.. 3 days of studying).

my biggest overall tip: know what the test will be like. know the order of the tests, the number of questions, and the time limits. this will leave no surprises. i was really glad i did this because i always knew what was coming.

tips for individual portions

english portion

75 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 45 minutes.

dont read the entirety of the passage! read the first paragraph and the last paragraph before you read the questions then for each question skim for the info you need to properly answer the question. this allows you to spend more time with each question and to focus only on whats necessary.

brush up on word groups like there/their/they're, it's/its, and two/too/to. a lot of these questions are about following grammatical rules.

math portion

60 multiple choice questions with five possible answers in 60 minutes.

do what you know first. i almost ran out of time because i couldnt remember some things and spent too long on them so when i got to questions i knew at the end i was rushing and panicking and probably got some wrong.

if youre not sure how to do a problem, guess and check to the best of your abilities. guess and check works wonders.

reading portion

40 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 35 minutes.

tbh i thought this was really similar to the english part so similar tips. but if the passage is on the short side, just read the whole thing.

science portion

40 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 35 minutes.

real talk, i thought i bombed this portion like i walked out thinkin it was the reason id do so badly.

do NOT treat this like the english and reading portions! read the entirety of everything! redraw, rewrite, and rename things if you need to!

this part really focuses on graph interpretation and they will try to screw you over so hard with names of things. make sure you know how to interpret graphs well.

this was the only section where i rechecked every single answer. i was so used to the sat that i didnt know how to handle a science portion. it freaked me out.

essay portion

1 essay based on a promot in 40 minutes.

i didnt actually take this part because the only college on my list that says anything about it just recommends it and that school happens is my safety college. if youre really confident it will help your composite score, then take it. i chose not to mainly because im lazy and i didnt want to take the risk of it hurting my score even though i thought it could help since i write pretty strong essays, even under time constraints like id experience on the test.

some final tips

the act company sells a book. buy the book. its genuinely super helpful and im so glad i chose to buy it. i know some people use ones from outside sources, but i dont trust those as much. the official book is actually where i got a lot of my tips from.

take the test multiple times. i took the test in december because i knew i was unfamiliar with the formatting and wanted to have a basis for comparing my april score too. if i still am not happy with my april score, i plan on retaking it during the summer.

pay the extra $20 dollars to get your answers sent to you. it is quite literally the easiest and fastest way to see what you need to focus and improve on.

if you know youre taking the test, sign up as soon as possible. at the very least, sign up before youd have to pay the late fee.

dont add your picture until its like almost the last day. im the kind of person who changes uo my appearance often, specifically my hair color. if i uploaded a picture for the april date now, id be blonde in the picture even though ill probably have brown hair when i take the test.

a reminder

dont peace your self worth on this test. could it impact what college you go to? sure. but whether or not you did student council could too. im very proud of my score, but its not my end all be all. im more proud of the way i fold clothes or how organized my closet is than my act score.

good luck on all your tests everyone ❤️💕

The "who..." for Iida

Iida Tenya x Reader !

Who…

Who said “I love you” first: Both of you. Okay that sounds kind of odd but you both literally yelled it at each other in the heat of a moment where you two thought it would’ve suited. Eyes wide you had stared at each other for a while in silence  but before you were able to react, the bluehaired male started to let out a huff followed by a laugh. The wonderful sound made you feel all bubbly inside, causing you to join him right after. Odd, but still super adorable. 

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background: You and it would be Iida in his hero outfit because, he looks hella good in it. He doesnt know exactly what you find so cool about it but it’d make him kind of happy to watch you support his chosen path so openly.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror: Iida but it wouldnt be really cute ones, more like “You left the stove on” or anything domestic related that you didnt handle well in his point of view. 

Who buys the other cheesy gifts : Both. In other’s opinion you two are a couple full of cheese (is that a correct use of term) and while he likes to show his appreciation via those presents bc he knows he’s not the best in this kind of thing till your relationship would blossom more, you’d very much love his efforts and return the gesture. 

Who initiated the first kiss: You. It was during an endurance training session because you wanted to improve in that field, him offering you some help for that. You two were exhausted, out of breath and probably also sweating but somehow you could not resist to lean forward to captue his lips. It was salty and not the most comfy kiss due to your condition, the inexperience and stiffness but nonetheless you both loved.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning : Iida, actually even though he is the strict class president, he is a really affectionate fellow and will shower you in kisses if necessary to get you to wake up ! And it’s so worth it because the male loves the look on your face, innocently sleeping. 

Who starts tickle fights : You and even though you are the one tickling him, you cant help but to laugh yourself because he looks so desperate, having a liking to watch him suffer through your tickles.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower : You. He often declines because he’s busy with studying or work and mostly takes a shower after you already did. But he will make up for it, that’s for sure. Yet you’d still ask and sometimes he will come with you, hurray !

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch: Both. But mostly Iida does? He extra learned to cook for your sake even though he had a little bit of experience in the field, actually even having led people to cook during the forest camp in high school. But this guy would want to improve so he could offer you delicious lunch at work, it’d always make you incredibly thankful and happy to see him popping out of nowhere to spend some little time with you together. 

Who was nervous and shy on the first date : Iida. You couldnt help but to chuckle at his body language revealing his inner struggle. He was even more stiff that you have ever sseen him and his words seemed abrupt, sometimes sentences and word combinations not making any sense at all. It wasnt really awkward though, you found it really adoring and tried to calm him down a little because his heart was a bit of a mess.

Who kills/takes out the spiders: You really want to but he told you to not to that and will take the spider outside onto the terrace. Mostly you will yell that he should use his quirk to a far away place and leave the spider there - sometimes Iida really does for you. Be thankful. 

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk: Iida. It’s hilarious and you would always find yourself laughing on your seat or even laying on the ground because he’s such a funny kind of drunk? You’d kiss him and even though you’d be sober you’d tell him that you loved him as well.

Admin Shiro

Writing Tips for Sam and Dean

I’ll let you all know that Im not a seasoned writer like many of you are, I only have a handful of fics under my belt. Not all are fan faves, some people don’t like the ship (most of my stuff is low smut wincest) or maybe they don’t like the ending, but Sam and Dean are the primary focus of all of my stories (except The One Who Remembers which is all Sam) and I am always told that I kept them in character well, which I take great pride in. For me, if they are not in character, then Im not reading Sam and Dean, Im reading a story about other people with the same names.  This isn’t to say Sam and Dean can’t or shouldn’t be written OOC, they can be written any way you want them to be and thats perfectly fine, but if you want to write them, and keep them real, I hope these tips will help. Choose a Season: This is pretty important because both brothers change over the years. Sam especially. Dean changes, but not as rapidly as Sam does. Like, I cant believe that S7 Sam and S8 Sam are the same person, or that they’re even related to S1 Sam, or become S12 Sam. Dean’s character changes, but more subtly and over a longer period of time. So if you’re going to have a silly yet over protective Dean, dial back to seasons 1-3 and choose a Sam from those seasons. (sure, you absolutely can interchange them, I just personally find the story flows nicer if my head is in the same season for both) 

Pretend it’s an Episode: Even if you’re going to add language, violence, and smut that would never be seen on the show, imagine yourself watching what you’re writing. What does the scene look like, where are they, what would their facial expressions show. It’s good to visualize the scene. This can help you when you’re stuck for their next line. Take a moment to describe the scenary, and think, “what do I expect would happen next” and go from there. Sometimes, its just the kick you need. Dean is Easier to Write For: He just is. This is not an insult to either brother, it is simply because Dean is an extrovert, and Sam is an introvert. Dean always lets us know how he’s feeling, Sam doesn’t. This is a big reason why I think most fics and even most episodes seem to be more from Dean’s POV than Sam’s even when they’re Sam centric. The original formula for the show was to be Sam’s journey, through Dean’s eyes. I don’t think they’ve stuck to that for the most part, but I do think its why the characters are written that way. Most of the time, for us to have a clue what Sam is thinking, we need to watch his facial expressions and body language. 

For an example - Regarding Dean. When Dean is cured and tricks Sam into thinking he still didnt have his memory, Sam didnt say anything, but looked upset. Then Dean laughed, and let him know he was joking, and all Sam said was “Not funny.” But he went through about 5 emotions in his face in 2 seconds flat. Had it been the other way around, and Sam played like he didnt remember Dean, Dean would have been vocal “What the hell?? You said you could fix him!!!” and when Sam let him know he was joking, Dean probably would have laughed, barked at Sam, probably threaten to kick his ass (lovingly of course) and probably hugged him (hmmm now I wish it had been Sam that lost his memory lol)  So you’re writing a scene in which Sam is emotional. He may talk about what’s on his mind, but most is going to be left in his mind, and not become words. You can make him say something, but then show what he’s thinking. Maybe he doesnt say a word, but looks at Dean or, something, and then you express his thoughts.[ Sam’s hands were shaking. Dean put a hand on his shoulder “You okay Sammy?”  “I’m fine” Sam replied, hoping to hide how terrified he was.] If the situation is reversed, Dean will probably say that he’s scared.  Notice their normal speech patterns and habits: Dean uses a lot of pop culture references. Sam does sometimes, but not to the extent that Dean does. Sam huffs a lot. Try to include this the best way you can; words like “huff, breath, breathes, exhales, and sighs are good words to use. Dean uses a lot more words than Sam does to express a thought. This doesn’t mean Sam doesn’t say profound things, he just gets to the point faster, however, when he does use a lot of dialogue, every word has intent, he doesn’t use many extra words like “very” or “really” all that often. He also tends to state things twice, like “I believe you, I do” or “Im happy, I am”  and Dean will often use hyperbole “Its been a really really really REALLY long long long long time” and don’t forget, Dean says “awesome” a lot! Romance, Fluff, and Sex: A lot of you wont write Wincest, and thats fine, but you will probably write fluff and bromance. In true SPN character, Dean is mainly dominant, and Sam is submissive, however, this isn’t the case all the time, so in a sexual situation, since they have no canonical sex, theres nothing OOC about making either dom or sub, or switching it up. Since their onscreen life is platonic, the logistics of sex is whatever you want them to be, any kinks or what have you, is all up for grabs, but if you want to keep the brothers in character, try not to change their chemistry and personalities in bed from what it is out of bed. Sam isn’t likely the one to talk dirty, Dean probably does. Sam probably rolls his eyes and pretends he doesnt like it. Dean is naturally less inhibitted than Sam, and Sam naturally over thinks things. Neither are overly needy, but like feeling like the most important thing in the world to the other. Remember they’re brothers, They have spent most of their lives together and have no need to impress the other, so don’t feel like they wouldnt laugh, make jokes, or tease each other during intimate times. They can be heartbreakingly, and painfully honest, and also immature, giant 12 year olds. Even if you arent writing sex for them, this goes just as well for fluff and general bromance.  If you are writing sex, dont feel the need to establish that one or both are gay or bisexual. This is not necessary given their relationship. Their sexuality is established as historically straight in canon, so if they DO have sex with each other, they are the only male’s they have ever had sex with..... more than likely. Stay away from making either of them too feminine. Both have natural femine qualities that can be used, but they will go right out of character if one begins to act female, or if the other is treating him as such. Stay away from typical fanon wincest terms like “baby boy” or “daddy”, Sam would probably punch Dean if he called him “baby boy” and Dean’s mood would be lost of Sam called him “Daddy”... face it, their daddy issues are not of the sexual nature, but again, this is only if you want to keep them in character. They have their own things they call each other, like little brother, buddy, Dee (a name only used once so keep that in mind too) brother, big brother, which work pretty well, but theyre not the most endeering, so you can get creative, but, if youre keeping them in character, maybe stay away from “honey” or “sweetheart” I hope these hints help, and if you are writing and need help with writing for this wonderful characters, please dont hesitate to message me, Id be honored to help!!

Orana (Garrett Hawke cameo) || SFW || implied/referenced torture & violence || 1871 words

Her new mistress is an ambitious, quick-tempered and cruel woman. Orana learns soon enough to complete her tasks quickly and efficiently with an effort to be seen and heard as little as possible. But being entirely unaccustomed to most manner of traditional labor for a slave, stumbles and is often punished numerous times before an old, half-blind elf who works in the kitchens as the Mistress’s cook takes puty and takes her under his wing. The Mistress does buy her new slave dresses rather than shirts and pants as Halward had done, but Orana thinks this is probably simply meant to mock her. Hadriana had made a point of thoroughly examining her purchase and smirked at Halward’s handiwork.

Orana is neither man, nor woman now, but somehow both and neither at the same time. She keeps her name, though Hadriana rarely refers to any of her slaves by them. The young elf begins visiting her kind mentor at the end of the day when her chores are finished, helping him with preparing the evening meal and settling beside the dying embers of the fire afterwards to keep warm while she listens to his stories: myths and legends from the old elves and the Dalish, of the elven Gray warden who helped save all of Ferelden from another Blight. She takes to calling him Papa, and it’s good to have someone again, but she misses Dorian terribly.

She makes a singular attempt at escaping, actually makes it as far as the Circle, throwing herself at the feet of the Enchanters only to be informed that Dorian has once again left them and has been neither seen nor heard from since. They send for her Mistress, who puts on a show of thanking them profusely- all smiles and happiness at being reunited with her beloved slave, then tortures her for nearly four hours with one creative and cruel spell after another and makes the rest of the household watch. Some spells, she later learns from overhearing her talking with a visiting Magister, are of her own invention. She doesn’t think of running away anymore. It isn’t self-preservation that keeps her where she is, however, but fear of what might be done to those she cares about. Hadriana makes it clear she would not be the only one to pay for any further mistakes or transgressions, no matter how much she loves Papa’s cooking. Love, the young elf thinks, is every bit the weakness her elder sister always tried to impress upon her. She will not make the mistake of letting anyone else in ever again, of allowing anyone to be used or hurt because of her. She will give Hadriana no reason and no other to punish in her stead.

They travel to the Free Marches a few years later, to Kirkwall, trying to track down a prize for Hadriana’s Magister mentor. It is the first time the young elf has ever left Tevinter, and while this is nothing like a vacation, she finds the prospect a little bit exciting it its way; a chance to see more of the worlds that Papa has talked abut in his many stories. Orana doesn’t pretend to understand the meaning of their journey, or why the Mistress felt it necessary to bring so many of her household with her, and she isn’t nearly foolish enough to be caught trying to listen to what the Mistress and her companions are speaking about either. She wouldnt normally have even been brought along, she suspects, but Papa is getting old and needs the extra help in the kitchens more and more now, rusty as her skills are by comparison. Hadriana loves Papa’s soup. Kirkwall and it’s surrounding outskirts are much colder, damper than the cities and desserts of her native lands, but fate proves just as cruel to her here as it has ever been in Tevinter.

Hadriana is scared. ‘The little wolf’ they were hunting has proven himself a far greater adversary than she had anticipated. They drag away and kill her Papa, bleed him for a ritual she doesn’t understand. Something to make the Mistress and her fellow mages stronger. The old elf breathes his last, choking on blood, urging her to run, hide, and save herself.

Fear gifts her feet with flight without thought, but alone in the tense silence with only the company of her thoughts and the sounds of the other mages and lackeys shouting and searching for her coming ever nearer, Orana wonders briefly whether there is anything left of her, anything worth saving after losing so much. It’s almost a relief when she hears the approach of Hadriana’s associates as they enter the room where she’s hidden herself. They will find her soon, and this nightmare and all the misery that has preceded it will finally come to an end. She remembers little of her anymore, but she could be with her mother again, with ‘Papa’. And that doesn’t seem such a terrible fate.

But death doesn’t come in the form of a large and powerful animal like the great Dread Wolf from Papa’s stories. Death, in fact, much to her disappointment, doesn’t come for her at all. A tall dark-haired man with a stubbled face leads what has to be the strangest band of fighters that the young elf has ever seen, and for a moment she thinks perhaps she died afterall and all of this must be some kind of peculiar dream: her mind trying to make sense of what has just happened and adjust to the Veil, or some trick of Fen’Harel. Her attention is soon diverted, however, as a fierce-looking elf with tanned skin, snow white hair, odd markings, and a sword nearly as big as himself strapped to his back addresses her.

She should fear him, she thinks. She saw crouched and hidden away in the corner behind one of the pillars the way that he cut down some of Hadriana’s lackeys when the group charged in here: nearly making the task look effortless, but something in his eyes looks sad, sympathetic, even kind in the way that he looks at her, and his voice when he asks if they touched or hurt her is laced with what can only be genuine concern, as she fearfully recounts what she’s endured.It is only when she relates her assessment that her Mistress might be frightened of what is coming for her and the elf growls his approval with simmering rage in his voice that it occurs to her this is the one they had come looking for. You are their wolf, she thinks with dawning comprehension.

“Please don’t hurt her,” Orana begs, even as she hates herself for doing so. “She’ll be so angry if you hurt her.” And if they lose, she thinks, the Mistress will have no one left to be angry with, no one left to punish but her.

“This has been terrible for you,” the leader of their group at the strange elf’s side offers in sympathy.

“Everything was fine until today,” Orana replies, shaking her head, tears filling her eyes in spite of her best efforts to keep them at bay.

“It wasn’t,” the other elf contradicts, looking pained. You just didn’t know any better.” She has, Orana almost says so, but it hurts to think of Dorian, of when she was once happy, even felt relatively safe.It has been years since she's had that now and thinking on it only mae her new lot seem all the more heavy and unbearable. She doesn’t expect to be happy now, bit to be safe again... To serve a Master that could protect her, that would look out for her... now that Papa is gone, now she is alone again...

Are you my Master now,” she asks curiously, studying him. Surely, a fellow elf would treat her well enough.

“No,” he replies vehemently, looking rather horrified and angry at the idea.

“But I can cook. I can clean, what else will I do,” she asks desperately grasping at straws, at a purpose now everything has been thrown into chaos and Hadriana and her fellows have taken her only friend and comfort from her.

“If you go to Kirkwall, I can help you,” the man offers kindly. He is a Shem, and a mage, but despite it all Orana knows, must believe that whatever she has suffered at the hands of her former Masters, humans and mages cannot all be bad, her mind flashing briefly to a familiar and long-missed smile and bright bronze and silver streaked eyes. The male elf who’d shown her sympathy keeps this man’s company. Perhaps she misjudged, perhaps he too is a slave or member of the man’s household... “Yes? Oh praise the Maker,” the young elf breathes relieved. “Thank you,” Orana replies gratefully. She doesn’t wait a moment longer, before dashing off down the hallway they have just cleared, making her way out of the maze of passages until she can feel the sun on her face again, taste the salt of the coast in the air. She runs all the way to Kirkwall, her feet sore and blistered by the end from hot sand, sharp rocks, and the long distance. The cold of the stones of the city are almost welcome by her journey’s end, but she is far away from Hadriana and those who would try to bleed her as they had her Papa, and if she is uncharacteristically blessed then perhaps the mage and his band of followers will rid her of her Mistress for good. She earns some glares and strange looks for stopping in the Chantry when she stumbles upon it, but takes a seat in a lonely pew in the back and sends up a prayer to Andraste and whoever might be listening and acting on her behalf that for once fate might be kind, and her new master might be as well, before it occurs to her she hadn’t even bothered to ask for his name. It appears to be unnecessary, however, as a brief description to those who bothered to stop and speak with her all yield the same name. Garrett Hawke. His reputation precedes him it seems, though thus far what Orana has gleaned from passersby that know of him, have largely been positive. Indeed curiously the only negative assessments of his character came from fellow nobles who apparently disapproved of his success in improving his station. Her new master came to the city as a refugee, scraping by and saving every copper he earned from any off jobs he could get, and found the wealth to restore his family’s name and home on an expedition in the Deep Roads with the what sounds like the dwarf she’d seen accompanying him and several other companions back in the caves. She should reserve judgment, but Orana resolves instead to reserve the right to change her mind- for the moment, if everything these people have said of Messere Hawke is true, it will be an honor to serve and call him her new Master.

 jesus christ the more i think about them fighting the more difficult the scenario becomes to actually justify

though i can roughly track the idea. after the first failed attempt to ‘rescue’ Seora, which was a small team led primarily by the Captain (on a boner quest), the light kingdom sets up an army to full on storm the castle where she is being kept. the captain bursts down the door. Seora and Esther are waiting together in the main room, and probably with one or two more Warrior Maidens. It’s a last chance to negotiate. somewhat inevitably, it doesnt succeed. he has backup in the form of at least one Ritual Maiden (and someone that Seora knows personally). he also has A Gun. when he draws it, either Seora knocks it out of his hand and sends it flying across the room, OR redirects the bullet he fires and THEN knocks it out. the captains pretty peeved by this. of course he is. he wants to stick his assholish little peepee in this bitch and shes clearly been tainted by ~The Darkness~ so time to sort that out. a minor melee ensues wherein the goal is for one of the two sides to grab Seora and drag her back. Esther rushes in with sword raised and power ready to fuck up the Captain, so the two of them end up in their own tango. the Captains backup attempt to tackle Seora to the ground so she cant interfere (and also to recover her, i guess) while the Warrior Maidens attempt to protect her. She’s also protecting herself. In this complete chaos, the Ritual Maiden who was brought on this mission is left further back and proceeds to deflect Esther’s magic, leaving her to rely on her swordsmanship instead.

it then likely proceeds mostly as a straight up sword fight between the two, surrounded by complete chaos as both sides fight over Seora and Seora tries to get away so she can help Esther. At some point she is likely nabbed with some form of magic cancellation (which earlier on took the form of magic handcuffs that Esther used, but this time probably takes the form of like, a specially crafted gauntlet with the same properties. if shes ‘contained’ by such an item, she cant use magic. this is the advantage that the kingdom has, because all of their troops have stuff that cancels magic. it doesnt /work/ as protections, per se, but it works as PREVENTION. proactive, not reactive. like handcuffs dont stop bullets but they stop a guy from grabbing his gun) which prevents her from really protecting herself because her sole skill is magic. she has no training in self defence, or certainly not enough to be impactful to a great degree. 

at some point, that Ritual Maiden up back works out that Esther is focussing on the swordfight aspect and not the magic, and so starts using her magic to actively hinder her ability to proceed. Blinding light (which also hurts the Captain soooo oops), gusts of wind, making her blade slippery and hard to hold. its not anywhere near as effective as the Maiden might like, because Esther is a fucking professional, but it definitely puts her on the defensive rather than the offensive.

what probably cinches the deal for the Captain is Seora probably gets actually dogpiled as some point. like this guard is clutching her wrist p tight to prevent her magic and then in attempt to get him the Fuck off she backs up but then like tackling ensues??? it doesnt go great. she topples to the floor and its a notably /thud/. mostly because of the knights tripping on her dress but also like, yknow, 3 full people fell on the fucking floor. its a notable ENOUGH thud that Esther gets distracted. and because Seora stands out QUITE a bit in that chaos over yonder, its VERY obvious that she isnt there. as in, not standing up. she’s like 6′3 and pale blue with like plat blonde hair amidst a pile of sweaty knights of various heights but notably wider and all human coloured, and a pile of dark blue maidens with blue-white hair who aren’t anywhere near as tall. she’s the tallest fucker in the room. so her not being upright is immediately noticeable. she wouldnt necessarily be visible on the floor depending on where the guards are relative to her. Esther would lose her cool. even if just for a second, the fact she cant see Seora immediately disconnects her from the swordfight. from there, its a one two and the captain is holding her throat with his off hand and preparing his blade with the other. she lost the advantage.

its at this point that the Ritual Maiden backing up the captain likely loses her cool. Ritual Maidens, unlike their Warrior counterparts, arent military. they have very little connection to the military. her presence here basically came about because the Captain forced her to do it and managed to convince everyone it was necessary. she’s not a fighter, and she’s not comfortable with war. this whole scenario has been pretty upsetting for her. now, seeing the Captain preparing to murder Esther, she’s not taking it well. Neither is Seora, who can see whats happening between peoples feet.

in the tumble, whoever had a grip on Seora let go. she’s magically unrestrained, and seeing her friend battered and bruised and at the mercy of a guy she’s always thought was a Cunt, she probably fucking wind explodes. bwoosh. everyone in the crowd flies back. the captain wobbles but does not fall, and retains his grip on Esther throat, blocking Esther’s magic. the Ritual Maiden up back probably falls over and bursts into tears, completely removing any protections she had placed on the Captain (which had likely prevented him falling). Esther’s still on the ground desperately tryna claw his hand off but has probably briefly halted out of sheer ‘oh fuc’ which is reasonable but probably not the best choice she could have made. 

then  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yea. im not positive from there. if seora is sufficiently pissed and has time she’d just immediately blast the Captain off and then try to kill him. but she doesnt have time. so how does that occur? he has to stop her from taking direct action against him. for instance, by using Esther as a shield. Drop the blade, take both hands, pick her up and hold her by her neck in front of him, probably then grabbing one of her own daggers to use as the direct threat. you raise a finger, she dies. Seora, who has now gotten up off the floor, can’t directly react. she cant move him, because he’ll react by immediately drawing the blade. she’s short on time, because yknow, Esther is getting choked tf out. at best, she can stall for time by like. putting extra air around esther for her to get while she figures out a plan. that plan likely being to play off of the Captain’s superstition that she’s been tricked or possessed or something of that ilk by Esther. So if she can time a sorta heel-face turn properly, she can lull the Captain into genuinely thinking that her prior behavior was linked directly to Esther, and that Esther is now no longer an issue. its difficult to time, because it basically requires Esther to pass out, which is pretty dangerous. yknow, for obvious reasons. but if Seora can time it (perhaps pretending to partially lapse as Esther starts fading off and then ‘full lapsing’  BEFORE Esther actually passes out), then the Captain will drop Esther. Probably flinging her in the direction of her battered and bruised Warrior comrades (at least some of whom were probably killed in the chaos, as the same on the other side) and accepting Seora back.

The warrior maidens are absolutely furious. a) because they also think that the Captain just killed Esther, which is A HUGE ISSUE and b) that Seora was fucking with them the whole time. which is an issue, because of a lot of Seora’s time in the dark kingdom was spent with her and Esther convincing the other warrior maidens that Seora planned to help them. So Seora pulling a heel-face (or face-heel, in the eyes of the Warriors) is a complete betrayal of trust. a few of them might vaguely suspect its an act, but the whole group are very confused and very angry. for the most part, nursing their injuries (both from the fight AND from being flung willy nilly by Seora) they resolve to simply grab Esther and hang back. the Captain’s men start celebrating. at least one of them goes to comfort the absolutely distraught Ritual Maiden, who likely only got more upset when Esther was flung aside because UHMMM IS THAT AN ACTUAL DEAD BODY???? shes losing her poor mind. poor dear. today was not a good day.

the Captain, being that he is on a Boner Quest™, moves to claim his prize. Seora doesn’t fucking want it, you bet your fucking ass, but this is part of the plan. they kiss. the Captain is probably an awful kisser also, just to make that less fun. the light side cheer. the dark side wail. noones really paying attention as the Captain’s discard sword gently floats directly up into the air and then moves gently into Seora’s open hand. noone notices as she pulls her arm back and orients the blade. noone except the Ritual Maiden, perhaps, who sees it through her tears and attempts to warn someone, anyone. but the guards attending to her assume that she’s referring to past events.

shick. the dark side stop wailing abruptly. there a brief moment of silence as the light side also abruptly stop cheering, with the only noise being the Ritual Maiden’s wails. then Seora kicks the Captain away. he stumbles. before he can fall, she says some slick one line (while probably also spitting because odds are solid her mouth is full of his gross saliva and possibly his blood, nasty) and with windy magic, blasts his backwards through the wall. whoosh. there he. fucking goes. theres still quiet as everyone processes what the fuck just occured. Seora probably tosses the Captain’s bloodied sword to the floor (because what amateur would leave the blade in the wound? this is stylin) and thennn????? im not completely sure how she resolves that. because like, make no mistake, the Captain is dead. the Ritual Maiden is in complete distress and theres no way she can heal him in this state. Seora won’t. the dark side wont. even if he were collected and promptly rushed to the nearest willing AND able maiden, it’d be too late. everyone knows it. Everyone knows thats why she blasted him through the wall. he’s dead. Seora, nominal leader of the Ritual Maidens of the Kingdom of Light, just killed the Captain of Kingdom of Light Military. in their hearts, the light side all knew she was potentially capable of it. she’d attacked him the last time they’d come to get her, though to a far lesser extent. bruised in body and in pride, he’d survived. but they’d all bought into the Captain’s belief, because they had to. they couldnt believe that such a figure could kill without some tainting influence. they had to believe their superstitions, because the reality of the matter - that Seora had chosen her own side and was going to stand for it - was terrifying. it was a sort of moral quandary the kingdom of light hadnt been forced to wrestle with since the civil war.

but there she was. wild.

odds are solid the light side wouldnt retaliate. how could they? how could they attempt to harm the person theyd come to rescue? how could they fight her, when she had just killed their leader and had the power to kill them, too? the upper hand, psychologically, and in timing. she would see them move. she would react. she could preemptively attack.

the light side stood their ground and screamed. someone hesitantly began to move over to the hole in the wall, constantly stopping and looking at a motionless Seora, expecting her to stop them. when she did not, they gestured for someone else to come with and rushed through the hole. how could they not? they had to attend to the captain, no matter what.

its likely then that what brought Seora out of her brief ‘state’, if you will, is an involuntary sob from the dark side. after all, they’re still upset about Esther. and Seora is too. and its that sound, a sob from behind her, that snaps her out of her brief moment of contemplation. probably spits one last time (for now, at least - bet your fucking ass she washes her mouth out once this is all over as many times as necessary to feel like shes cleaned it) and then rushes to Esther’s side. everyones basically gonna stick to their sides for a while as the light rush to the Captain and the dark huddle around Esther and Seora. Esther is fine. she’s injured, but she’s fine. Seora is well equipped to help her recover, at least as a result of her wind magic being able to help Esther breathe. what with the choking and such. 

the first one to probably break the tense quiet is probably one of the Warriors. the defacto leader since Esther’s not really up for that right this second. its basically just something fairly simple - ‘i think perhaps its time for proper negotiation?’. one of the fighters gets up (leaving their weapons down) and approaches with an open hand. the defacto leader gets up and shakes their hand. the deal is set. everyone present in this castle will return to the border of the two kingdoms and negotiations will be had. the dark kingdoms creeping darkness will finally, finally, be dealt with. Esther bursts into absolutely delighted tears. its basically been her life’s work to get the two countries to work together. The Warriors, satisfied that Esther is fine and safe with Seora, come slowly over to the light side to help them tend to their wounds. everyone sorta mingles a little. the fighters who’d attempted to tend to the captain return from the other room and also help. esther and seora embrace a/o kiss. curtains close.

then the negotiations come and a solid chunk of it is arguing what should actually be done with Seora. because the light wanted her back, she WANTS to be with the dark, pluuusss she killed one of the military leaders straight out. noone can (or would) argue that it was some sort of crossfire incident. it was very deliberate. admittedly the only real witness is the traumatised Ritual Maiden who, understandably, really doesnt want to talk about it. so, yknow. it’s a tough negotiation. Seora is only allowed to take part as though she were on trial, basically explaining that the Captain has always been a dick and that yea, she doesnt deny killing him. like at no point does she deny it. she even explains - in detail if pressed - the moment she formulated a plan to attack him with intent to badly harm if not kill, and how she tricked him and used her magic to get his sword. the entire negotiating committee agree yea, she’s guilty, we get it. but what to do with that? Seora is probably willing to go to light kingdom prison provided the darkness cleanse goes ahead. so it’s possible her fate would be left up to the end of the negotiations once the plan of ‘attack’ has been agreed upon. its a big mess. she’s completely up for prison, but Esther is Very Adamant that this not be the course of action. im not actually sure how it could resolve without anger. potentially the dark kingdom offer to put her to work as the darkness cleanser. part of a grand metaphor to ‘absolve herself of sin in the eyes of your patron deity’. which could actually work. the light kingdom love that sorta shit. so if the dark kingdom said ‘hey, ok, an idea - we take her into our custody. we- im not done, hold on - we put her to work primarily in our agreed upon darkness cleaning groups. especially in the city, where the darkness is most concentrated. it’ll be hard work, we’ve established that, mmn? and, and, as she cleans away the darkness, she can clean away this mark upon her soul, dont you think? then hopefully when she is done - when the kingdom is clean - she’ll be capable of being forgiven. how does that sound?’. the only hitch would be ensuring she works. Esther is forbidden from saying a fucking word by the second in command, who is.... a bit more diplomatic on this specific front. Seora will be assigned to a group of assorted Dusk Maidens who will watch her 24/7. she will stay with them. if she doesnt work, punishment will ensue. if she doesnt work for a period of time - a few weeks, maybe - then the dark kingdom agrees to hand over Seora to the light kingdom to face a more.... judicial form of justice.

its uh. good fun. i’ve been here for three hours.

uh, tldr; Seora disarms the Captain, who orders his men to capture Seora. Esther goes to fight the Captain, while the dusk maidens and light army start fighting over a Very Unhappy Seora, who defends herself. Esther and the Captain fight with swords, with a Ritual Maiden backing up the captain and sabotaging Esther. just as Esther starts having to go on the defensive due to the Ritual meddling, Seora gets her magic blocked by a light army soldier who manages to grab her arm to stop her from fighting back or aiding Esther. in attempting to wriggle free, she falls back, followed by that soldier and possibly a few other people. Esther, being distracted by her gfs shenanigans, is quickly disarmed and pinned to the ground by the Captain, who starts choking her (cancelling magic) and prepares to run her through with his blade. Seora, on the ground and free of the soldiers grasp (and they had let go during the fall) basically explodes w/ the Windy Magic, sending the group blasting back. the Captain remains crouched where he is over Esther in part due to the Ritual Maiden, who falls over and starts crying. Before a completely unrestrained and pissed Seora can get up and prepare to fuck with the Captain, he drops his sword, picks up Esther, and positions her between him and Seora, and still choking her. Seora, thinking ~fast~, decides to play to the Captains superstition that she’s being controlled, and pretends that Esther’s control over her has lapsed, just as Esther starts proper passing out from the whole lack of air deal. Captain chucks Esther aside into the waiting arms of an absolutely distraught group of Warrior Maidens, and prepares to “claim his prize”. light kingdom cheers, dark kingdom boos and swears revenge (since they think Seora was pretending to be on their side the whole time) and ritual maiden keeps crying. then seora uses her magic to grab the captains sword (or maybe Esther’s sword, both are good) and uses it to run him the fuck through, before blasting him through at least one wall (holding onto the blade).

everyone freaks, she rushes to Esther’s side and uses magic (and/or cpr what the fuck do you want from me im way too gay for that to NOT possibly happen) to help her recover. eventually the two groups come to an agreement and start tending to their wounded and dead (including the captain who is straight up deceased fuck that guy).

then in the negotiations the big Issue (beyond the whole ‘cleaning the tainted darkness’ thing) is What the Fuck to do abou Seora. who absolutely and undeniably murdered a guy. the end result is more than likely that she is placed into direct Dusk Maiden servitude, ‘forced’ to cleanse the darkness under constant supervision. of course, what the light kingdom dont know or dont really comprehend is that she’s gonna get put into a squad including her basically gf Esther and a bunch of other Warrior Maidens who think she’s the bees knees, AND a bunch of other dusk maidens who have heard alllllll about her and adore her. she’s basically gonna get pampered as fuck. it’s gonna be great. she’s going to have a great time. she basically gets to do exactly what she’s wanted to do since a little after she was first kidnapped, AND gets to hang with a bunch of folk she thinks are pretty cool even if they probably tried to kill her or torture her at some point. she gets it.... to a point. there a few she doesnt hang with. everyones cool about it. 

tl;tl;dr;dr esther gets beat and then seora kills a man but then seora and esther get to be happy and gay so frankly it all works out Pretty Well

FINALE - It Was Unnatural For Me To Have Any Moments Of Feeling Good About Myself - Richie

DANA

"It's me America, the QUEEN of winning F6 immunity and ruining everyone's plans. Thinking about how sad everyone was feeling when I won is honestly making me CACKLE.

So.. now what? Fuck everyone except Nicholas honestly. I'll be bored out of my mind if he goes home this round, so I'm not letting them happen. I won F6 immunity which is lit and means... IT'S TIME TO FIGHT without fear of what it might mean for my chances at getting further in this game.

Ashton whom? He decides to reach out to me tonight for the first time in the game. It's laughable, and honestly THE MOST™disingenuous thing someone could do at this stage in the game. This sketchy weasel pops into my pms trying to be all ~casual~

On 7/12/17, at 1:30 AM, Ashton wrote: > Hey. I can't believe we haven't talked once this whole game lol

LIKE. IT'S F6 U INSINCERE BITCH. WYD.

I can ABSOLUTELY believe we didn't talk. Let's just call it like it is Ashton, you didn't want to talk to miss me and I wasn't too hot on talking to you either. But at this point? King of inactivity is probably my best option at keeping Nicholas around, so i'll be a fake ass bitch and sell myself to him. That's fine I guess.

All I want is Lily gone and I'll plant whatever garbage lies I have to so I can make it happen. Catch me on the other side of the F6 Tribal Council though, fans. "

ASHTON

Okay I'm gonna tell you a little story about a useless goat named Ashton. He began the game on a tribe he doesn't remember the name of and swapped to another tribe he doesn't remember the name of and finally swapped to another tribe he doesn't remember the name of where he aligned with two powerhouses, Lily and Richie. Lily and Richie did everything for him, added people to the alliance, figured out who he should vote for and even kept him in the game with an idol. But Anakin turns on Obi-Wan, at some point an apprentice has to turn on their master. And for young, naive Ashton...this might be that point. Dana and Nicholas are two easy votes, this could be the time to make a move and take out the biggest player in this game, Lily...or not. Toon in later to see how it all turns out.

RICHIE

"i was so extra for zakriah's vote out smh.. dana went H A R D campaigning to me like i was impressed by her ability to talk and determination so iconic i was shook!!!! unfortunately for her our interests didnt line up at the time so what she was saying didnt work out in her favor but still damn she tried!!! she came to me saying that her/nicholas/zak had 2 vote negators and were voting out lily and how lilys such a big threat and if she makes it to the end the 3 of them are all voting for her......

so i played along and joined an alliance chat with them and i talked to dana a lot about it to the point where i told them i was with them and i said lets vote lily.. my hope was that if they thought i was with them then they wouldnt play both vote negators because i knew lily had 1 vote negator and if i convinced nicolas/zak/dana that i was with them they would have the numbers without playing both negators so that me/lily/chips/ashton would still have the majority or else if they played both it would have been a tie and gone to rocks....

i think my plan worked? i wasnt sure if they were bluffing about the double negator or what their deal was but in the end it worked out where zak played a negator and lily played a negator and i voted with my real alliance and betrayed dana/nicholas/zak and i felt bad about leading them on because it really wasnt THAT necessary but there hasnt been an idol played since i played it at the merge vote so i've been on high alert thats why we voted zak because we figured dana and nicholas would be more likely to play one (RIP ZAK IM SORRY AGAIN) but i couldnt vote out lily because shes a shield for me if i got rid of her last time i would be target #1 in final 6 and be at the bottom of the zak/nic/dana alliance so it just didnt make sense for me to flip... i dont usually lie like that and i hated doing it but it needed to be done to assure everything went down smoothly "

"dana desperately campaigns part 2: nicholas hasnt approached me once to save himself its been all dana and im still shook by how much shes trying like good for her i love it when people are here to play and dont give up she won the immnity when she needed it and doing everything she can to try and put herself in a better position next week impressive and legendary!! the only problem is its very transparent shes saying things that i know arent true shes trying to downplay her game like i str8 up told her shes going to win if shes in the end and she said ""I really… am not. I havent spoken to any of the jurors except Willow. I don’t know Austin or Josh.... like i have never spoken to them"" but i know these things aren't true because i was aligned with austin and he campaigned to keep dana and was giving her information and thats why i idoled him out and i know she talks to zak because i caught her in a lie from her campainging last week vs what she said in the tribe chat

[7/10/17, 4:07:52 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Island Host): i talked to zak for the first time in the game… mmmmm right after willow left

[7/10/17, 10:17:16 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Island Host): I have a 50 day snap streak with zakriah that I WILL NOT kill for this game so

so im sticking with my 4 of me chips lily and ashton and voting out nicholas... im hoping theres no idol and if there is an idol dana's fixation on lily will mean she goes over me "

ASHTON

I'm voting Nicholas this tribal. I wanna stay loyal to my alliance for now and that might come back to bite me but I think it's the right move. So I tell Dana that I'm not gonna be making a move with her this time and she goes full Ciera Eastin on me, "You guys are stupid, Make a move blah blah blah". Basically throwing a pity party because I'm not doing what she wants. I don't know what she expects when she has been feeding me bullshit about how she's not a jury threat when her whole fucking alliance is on the jury.

IMMUNITY LETS GO. WOO WE NEEDED THIS. BYE DANA PEACE OUT.

It all came down to this immunity challenge if Lily wins she wins the game and we need to stop that. So when Richie won the final immunity I was elated because that meant we could vote her out and actually have a shot at winning the game. It's gonna be a simple vote 3-1 Lily and she's not helping herself by coming after me. So Adios you turned on me in seconds so doesn't feel as bad to have to turn on you.

LILY

I really hate this bullshit. Richie is fake af. Bitch, I told me vote me out at 7 if you aren't taking me to the end. Fake af Richie I never would have done that to you if your ass was on the line. You are going to lose this game and I'm excited to hang this thing to chips or really switch it up and just give the win the Ashton. Proud that I won two of the challenges just wish I could have finished the job so I would finally get a chance at FTC. Really disappointed 😔

RICHIE

"well... i was going to write a confessional about how well everything has gone for me game wise... we got nicholas out then we got dana out and it was our group of 4 that ive been working with this whole time in the end and i won final immunity so i made it and it looks like me chips and ashton are going to the end together and out of us 3 i feel like i definitely played the most strategic and dominant game so i was basically prematurely celebrating my win the second immunity results came out but my .00003 seconds of self confidence faded quickly lmao which is okay because it was unnatural for me to have any moments of feeling good about myself im much more comfortable being back in a place of self loathing!!

i told lily i was voting her out because i really like her and shes so sweet and i didnt want to blindside her like i've been final juror multiple times in other games and its such a shitty position and i just wanted to tell her rather than string her along because i have immunity theres no reason to lie to her... but FUCK she's pissed and it makes sense she feels like ive betrayed her and i kinda have... i neverrrrrr made a final 3 deal with her and i was sure to always choose my words carefully about going to the end together because ive known shes a jury threat just by how likable she is and i know that ive fucked people over and in this game i havent been the most likable person so sitting next to her infront of a jury would be stupid of me but god she went off telling me that shes never going to vote for me that shes not going to be kind shes going to do everything to ruin my reputation in jury  saying ""I do not respect disloyalty. I will destroy your game for this, you can't win solely on challenges. I will say and do everything in my power so you lose this game. That is your choice"" and ""You won't get my vote and I don't care what you do to try and get it. I won't ask you any questions and I will get to that jury and do what I want to ruin your game."" and a lot more.... so it sucks that i hurt her on a personal level and on a game level ive tried to do damage control and i was hoping by telling her this far ahead of the vote would give her time to decompress before going into jury pissed and have a chance to explain myself but i dont think theres any hope for that so RIP "

LILY

Chips, my favorite human? Yes.

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship.html

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162338064777

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/