#therapy is hard when ive been awake for 20 hours
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Sometimes when I am tired I think "What if I spray pepperspray directly into my open eyeball that would be cool"
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The Devil in the ICU
Pairing:
Synopsis: You’ve rarely spoken to your neighbor Jimin, but he’s always been kind to you. When you get into an accident that lands you in the ER, you’re grateful to see who’s taking such good care of you. It isn’t until later that you start to wonder… will you ever be leaving the hospital?
Word Count: 6.6k
Warnings: Blood, murder/death, yandere themes, stalking themes, needles/IVs
Admin: @psycho-slytherin
Request:
How did you wind up here?
As you slump back into your bed, with him lying on the floor next to you, a hazy thought informs you that it must look like a scene straight out of Romeo and Juliet.
Although, you think ruefully, glancing down at the sharp shard of glass clenched in your fist, I don’t think Juliet would have done this.
“Merry fucking Christmas.”
~Three weeks earlier~
Taehyung, leaning against the doorframe with a steaming mug of coffee in his hand, looks as handsome as the day you married him. “Have a good day at work!”
You give him a quick kiss, shivering in the brisk morning air. “You too. Remember that we have that dinner tonight!”
Tae laughs. “Is that what we’re calling the awards ceremony? You know you’ve earned bragging rights.”
“Shush!” You boop him on the nose before turning and making for your car. On the other side of the fence, you can see your neighbor Jimin step out onto his porch. He catches your eye and, as Taehyung goes back inside, you smile amicably and nod at Jimin before getting into your car. You see him at his front door every morning, and he’s always friendly.
On your drive to the university campus, you think about tonight’s dinner. You’ll be presented with an awards for Arts Education despite being one of the youngest professors in the university’s faculty. You were thrilled when the dean of the school contacted you for the honor.
Once you park, you speedwalk to your first class of the day and burst through the door. You soon find yourself looking at twenty students, some bright-eyed, some more zombie-like.
“I’d apologize for being late,” you say, “But at this point I don’t think anyone is surprised.” The more awake students laugh, and you sling your bag onto your desk at the front of the room. “Let’s get started. Yoongi, you’re up first for workshop. Why don’t you stand up and read?”
Of all of your students, you think Yoongi is the most likely to pursue his career in creative writing.
He nods and stands. You can see his hands trembling as he clutches the paper.
When he sits back down after reading his poem, there’s a smattering of applause. “Very nice,” you say. “Now, who’d like to offer their feedback?”
~~~
Hours later, you dismiss your last class. You can’t wait to go home and tell Taehyung all about your day.
“So this one kid really decided the best move, instead of asking for an extension, was to plagiarize Twilight. Fucking Twilight!”
Taehyung laughs as he buttons up his shirt. “What did you tell her?”
“Ugh, I hate to report anyone for plagiarism, I told her to write something new and turn it in for half credit.”
“No wonder your students love you. I think you’re personally responsible for all of the creative writing majors on campus.”
You finish zipping up your dress. “Probably. Let’s get going, yeah?”
“Your wish, my command,” Taehyung says, gallantly bowing you out the door. You giggle as he opens the passenger side door for you. “For real, Y/n, want to get away for a weekend to celebrate? This is a nationally recognized award!”
“Hm…” you pretend to think. “Maybe we could go somewhere warm and sunny, with lots of beaches.”
Taehyung interlaces his fingers with yours, lifts your hand to his mouth, and kisses your palm. “Whatever you want. Christmas is coming up, maybe we can travel somewhere for the winter.”
You smile and look out of the window as Taehyung begins the drive. The ceremony is being held at a hotel twenty minutes away. And in a few weeks, you’ll be spending Christmas with the love of your life somewhere warm.
Under the twinkling night sky, everything feels so peaceful. Suddenly, you see a flash of light overhead. “Tae! A shooting star! Look-”
BANG. You hear the sound of crunching metal, feel a violent jerk, and everything goes dark.
~~~
“When she wakes up, start her on 20 milligrams of morphine. If her blood pressure is still low, go ahead and add saline to the IV. She shouldn’t need a transfusion unless anything opens up again.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
Doctor. Are you in the hospital, then? Was there an accident? “Ugh…” You blink hard in the blinding light. You’re woozy, and your mouth tastes like copper.
“Y/n! Doctor, she’s awake!” You hear a familiar voice, and feel a hand grip your own.
“M-Mom?”
“Y/n. Thank heavens, you’re awake.” Your mom’s voice is strained and thick, as though she’s been crying. When your eyes finally focus on her, she’s sniffling, and her eyes are bloodshot. She’s wearing a formal black dress – did she come straight from the ceremony?
“What happened?” You croak.
“You were in an accident,” your mom says, her voice breaking. “A bad one. We weren’t sure if you would make it.”
You wince. That doesn’t make sense, and the cost of a hospital stay isn’t in your budget. “Where’s Taehyung?”
Your mother is silent for a moment too long, and you feel your chest grow tight. “Mom, where is Taehyung? He was in the car with me!”
“He… he didn’t make it. I’m so sorry,” your mom whispers. “The doctors did everything they could.”
No. “You’re lying.” Of course she is, she has to be, he’s your husband, he can’t be gone. “Don’t lie. He’s fine.”
“Y/n, baby…”
“No!” You weakly pull your hand from her grip. Angry tears form and begin to spill down your swollen, tender cheeks. “You’re lying!” Please, you beg inside your head, please be lying. Not Taehyung. He’s healthy, strong, smart, he has to be fine.
You can see unshed tears shining in your mother’s eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“We weren’t going that fast,” you say desperately. “It can’t have been bad.”
“You broke a leg and a rib, fractured your collarbone, and punctured your lung,” Your mother says quietly. “They said you were lucky to have no brain damage.”
You sit back, stunned. It’s true, you’re wrapped in bandages and the parts of your skin that you can see are black and blue. When you lift the blanket, you can see a small clear tube protruding from your chest. Still, it’s impossible. You had only been driving for a few minutes. “What happened? The accident?”
“I-It was a hit-and-run,” your mother responds shakily. “They T-boned your car and drove away. There were witnesses, but no cameras and nobody got a license plate. They put out a notice for the car.”
You swallow. Despite your injuries, it seems like you’re unable to feel anything at all. Please, no…
There’s a soft knock at the door. “Y/n?” You look up and through the dark fog in your head you feel a tinge of shock.
Standing in front of you, wearing blue scrubs and a mask, is… your neighbor.
“Jimin?”
Jimin nods. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I just need to adjust your IV – are you in pain?”
“No- yes.” As soon as the word escapes your mouth, feeling spills back into your body. Fuck. Suddenly you can’t breathe, your chest feels like it’s on fire, and your leg… “It hurts really badly.”
“Let me increase the morphine dosage.” He steps towards the machines and IV to which you’re hooked up and fiddles with some buttons.
Your heart feels as though it’s stopped on Taehyung. You refuse to believe it, and so you refuse to grieve. “I didn’t know you were a doctor,” you say to Jimin. Your voice sounds like a robotic copy of itself. Out of the corner of your eye, you see your mother glancing at you with worry.
“I’m not, I’m a nurse,” he replies.
“You take good care of her, you hear?” Your mom says to Jimin, clearly understanding your silent signal not to bring up Taehyung. She was lying – he has to be fine.
Jimin nods firmly, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Yes, ma’am. She’ll be up and about soon, but for now she needs rest.”
As your mom rises slowly from her chair beside your bed, she grasps Jimin’s hand in hers. “Make sure she’s okay.”
“I will.”
Once your mom leaves, your eyelids feel heavy. Your brain is foggy with distorted thoughts of Taehyung. Why can’t you remember anything? “What time is it?”
“Three in the morning,” Jimin supplies.
That surprises you. “It’s been hours.”
“It has.”
“Do you know what happened to the awards ceremony?”
“The… what?”
Of course he doesn’t. Why should he? You sink as far as you can into your pillow, wishing only that it would suffocate you. It feels like there’s an all-consuming black hole in your chest, clawing at every part of you. Taehyung. Taehyung. Taehyung.
“I’m sorry about your husband,” Jimin says gravely. “I met him several times. He was a very kind man.”
“He’s not gone,” you reply stubbornly. He can’t be. “I just need to get better and get home.” Tae will be there.
Jimin pauses. “We’ll do our best.”
“Thank you.”
“The doctor will be back in soon,” Jimin adds. “I can give you something to help you sleep after.”
“Oh, you’re an angel.” After everything that’s happened, you don’t think you can ever sleep again. At least, not until you’re with Taehyung. Surely, the doctor will be able to tell you the truth.
The doctor comes in, a middle-aged Black woman who introduces herself as Dr. Greene. She walks you through your injuries and the path to recovery. “Luckily, they could have been a lot worse,” she says, eyeing your chart appreciatively. “You should be discharged in two weeks, give or take. After that, it’ll be a while still with your leg in a cast. You’ll have to come back for more check-ups. And as soon as your lung heals, we want you to start physical therapy to counteract all the bed rest. Do you have any questions for me?”
“Where is my husband?” You ask desperately. Behind Dr. Greene, you see Jimin’s face has turned stony. “He was in the car with me, his name is Kim Taehyung–”
“Your husband has passed away,” the doctor says simply, quietly. “I’m sorry.”
At last, with this authority figure having sealed his fate, you allow yourself to cry for Taehyung. Loud, animalistic sobs tear from your chest until your abused ribs and lungs can’t support you anymore and you collapse, screaming silently into hands that hurt to lift.
“Y/n…”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair! It should have been me.” The two of you were only on your way to the dinner because of you. It’s your fault. Your fault. Your fault. “It should have been me!”
You feel fingertips lightly touch your aching shoulder. From his earlier position near the doorway, Jimin is suddenly right next to you. “No, it shouldn’t have. And it’s not your fault, Y/n,” he says.
“Grief is natural and necessary, really, for the healing process,” Dr. Greene adds. “But Nurse Jimin is right, you shouldn’t blame yourself.” She looked back at her chart. “Jimin, you’re on call for the night, yes?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. Keep an eye on her pain levels. Y/n, if you’re uncomfortable or need anything during the night, press this button and Jimin will come check in on you, alright?”
You nod numbly. You don’t care. You hope you do die during the night, so you can at least be with Taehyung.
Jimin leaves and returns in what feels like both an hour and two seconds, holding a clear bag full of liquid and a bottle of pills.
“Take one of these to help you sleep. This is for your blood pressure – it’s still low – and we’ve added more morphine.”
You simply hold out your hand for the bottle, shake out a pill, and swallow it down without water. Why would you need water when the love of your life is gone?
“Remember, press the button if you need anything,” Jimin says. “I’ll be right here for you.”
“Mm.” You turn over as much as you comfortably can and almost immediately fall into a hopefully dreamless sleep.
If only you were so lucky.
The crash. The moment of the shooting star. Over and over and over again.
“Y/n! Come on, baby, wake up!” You can’t see anything, but you can hear his voice. “They’ll be here soon, you have to hang on for me, okay?”
7.
“Help! Somebody help! No, she’s worse than me, hurry up!”
H.
“Miss? Can you hear me?”
“Shit, he’s coding!”
L.
“Y/n?” You feel yourself being gently shaken, and still half-dreaming, your body gives a great shudder from the accident. “I’m sorry to wake you. I just need to take your vitals.”
“Blue,” you reply, barely able to form the word. You saw it. “The car was blue.”
When you look up, you realize that it’s not Jimin, but a nurse you’ve never seen before. She pauses for a moment, clearly perplexed, before she blinks.
“Oh! You were in a car accident?”
“The car was blue,” you continue, scared to lose the thought. You’re a professor of writing at a top university, you should be able to express yourself more fluently. But your words seem to escape you before you can capture them. “License 7-H-L.”
“Oh, my… the nurse looks around before grabbing a pen clipped to her scrubs and scribbling the numbers onto a notepad beside you. “You’re a regular detective!”
“Where’s Jimin?” You ask. You don’t know this new nurse, but at least you trust Jimin.
“Oh, his shift ended,” she replies. “He’ll be back tonight! In the meantime, can you tell me how you feel?”
“I’m… dizzy. My heart…” You can hear it pounding hard in your ears, far too quickly, and leaving you lightheaded. Your whole body hurts, centralized in your leg and chest, far worse than last night.
“Your blood pressure must have gone back to normal, let me get that saline off for you. How’s the pain? Your morphine should have worn off by now.”
You wince. “Bad.”
“Okay, I’ll adjust that.” The nurse fiddles with your IV before turning back to you. “I think your mother will be here soon. In the meantime, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Actually… can you tell her not to come?” A wave of guilt tries to wash over you, but it’s overpowered by the darkness already inside. “I just want to sleep today. She shouldn’t bother.” You pause. “I don’t want any visitors.”
“Ah- sure thing, whatever you’d like,” the nurse chirps hesitantly. “Oh, and… what happened to your hair?”
“What do you mean?”
The nurse points. “You’re missing a chunk of hair, I’m guessing from the accident. Hey, maybe when you get out you can try a new style!”
“Yeah, maybe.” You lay back down and stare at the ceiling, wishing only that it would fall apart and crush you. What’s the point of anything without Taehyung? But… what about your students, your classes?
The day passes in a blur, and your intermittent napping keeps you barely aware of your surroundings. You don’t dream of the crash again – it’s a blessing, but at the same time you wish you could remember the rest of the license plate. You finally awaken for real once dusk has settled on the hospital.
You press the button, and immediately Jimin is in your room. “What can I do for you, Y/n?”
You take a deep breath. “Can you please bring me a pad of paper and a pencil?” You were a teenager when your father passed away, and writing was the only thing that saved you then. Perhaps it will be your healing salve now.
“Sure, there’s paper right-” Jimin pauses beside your bed before handing you the pad of paper. “Here, sorry. And you can use one of my pens. How are you feeling?”
“Groggy,” you reply. You’re surprised by how weak your grip on the pencil feels. “Numb. It hurts, but…”
“I’ll make a note for the doctor. Don’t worry, I promised your mom that I’d help you get better. Your lung should be healing soon,” Jimin says. “But I need to change the bandages on your chest tube, if that’s okay?”
“Yeah.” You forgot it was there, the clear tube coming out of your chest. It’s held in place with bandages, which Jimin carefully removes before cleaning off your skin and placing new ones down. He’s wearing a silver locket that you’ve never noticed before. It suits him, shining against his skin.
“Thank you,” you say as he finishes taking your vitals.
“I’m happy to help.”
The next week passes in a blur; between crying fits for Taehyung, assuring your mother that you’re alright, scribbling down everything on your mind, and forcing yourself to sleep simply to avoid the reality of waking hours, you barely have a second to consider your own healing process.
It isn’t until Dr. Greene beams at you that you register: physically, you’re feeling a lot better, and after a week of bed rest and god awful depression, you’re ready to try hobbling around.
“Looks like you might actually get out a few days early,” Dr. Greene says. “We’ll be able to remove that chest tube tonight.” Beside you, your mother begins crying with relief.
“Wonderful.” It’s still hard to smile, but you manage a weak attempt. Later that day, you hear a bit of commotion in the hallway, and soon the nurse brings in a huge basket of cards, flowers, and stuffed animals.
“Woah… what’s all this?” With effort, you sit up and take the offered basket. The sweet smell of the flowers is a welcome change to the cold sanitation of the hospital.
“From your students!” The nurse says happily. “Some even sent you books!”
“Aww, they’re sweet.” You flip through one of the books and notice that all your advisees have signed the title page and scribbled well-wishes in the margins of the chapters. Their kindness and love sparks your first real smile since the accident.
You spend the day reading, counting down the hours until your chest tube is removed. When you’re finally wheeled to the OR and numbed up so they can sew the hole in your chest shut, you feel relief. Your leg is still in a cast, but at least your body is fighting for you.
That night, you’re drifting off to sleep when you feel a painful tugging on your chest, right where your stitches are. “Mm?” You blink sleepily and see Jimin’s silhouette standing over you.
“Ah, Y/n. I’m sanitizing your wound so it heals well, don’t mind me. How are you feeling?”
“I’m a little sore,” you reply honestly. “It’s not too bad, though.”
“Let me fix that for you.” You can see Jimin’s dark figure change something on your IV. “That’ll help you feel better.”
“Thanks,” you mumble, feeling sleep begin to overtake you.
“It’s my pleasure, Y/n.”
That night, your dreams are choppy and chaotic. At one point, you dream that your body is on fire; at another, you’re back in the accident but instead of Taehyung, it’s Jimin. The sun has barely risen before you bolt upwards. “Gah!” Your throat is burning, dry, painful – it feels like you’ve swallowed sand.
It must be extra early, because Jimin is still there. He rushes to your bedside. “Y/n? What’s wrong?”
“I- who are you? I need… water…” you croak, your vision swimming before you. You don’t know who this man is, and you don’t know where you are. You can vaguely feel yourself falling backwards.
“Okay, let me get you some- wait, Y/n!”
~~~
You awaken with Jimin, Dr. Greene, and another nurse standing over you. Packed in bed beside you are several ice packs. Even so, you feel your body sweating.
“What… happened?” You manage. Your tongue feels thick in your mouth.
“You woke up with a bad fever. It’s lucky Jimin thought fast and worked to cool you down.” Dr. Greene said. “We’ll have to keep you monitored for longer than we anticipated.”
“W-Why do I have a fever?”
Dr. Greene’s brows knit together. “I… I’m not sure. We’ll keep an eye on you for the next couple of days and see if anything changes.”
Your fever goes up and down throughout the day, occasionally spiking dangerously enough that the monitors around you begin to beep in alarm. Around noon, Jimin comes in with water and a bottle of pills. He’s wearing a lopsided Santa hat along with his scrubs.
“Merry almost-Christmas. Here, take two for the fever.”
“What are you doing here?” You ask weakly. Even in your fever-addled mind, you remember he only comes at night.
“My shift changed. You need more urgent care anyways, and I volunteered.”
You swallow down the pills and nod. “Thanks.”
“Your bruises have improved,” Jimin observes, lightly touching your face.
“I guess. Fuck.” You feel the sudden urge to douse yourself in cold water. “I just want to get out of here.”
Jimin is quiet for a moment. “Have they found the car that hit you?”
“How would I know?” You feel a wave of dizziness hit you, likely brought on by a heartbeat that never seems to slow down. “Jimin, please…” Save me.
“We’ll see how you’re doing tomorrow,” Jimin says. “For now, you should stay awake. What’s your favorite color?”
“Uh, green.”
“Favorite food?”
You can barely think. “Sushi.”
Jimin grins. “Favorite neighbor?”
You try to summon a chuckle. “Whichever one is saving my life.”
“Fantastic. I’ll see you later tonight. Your mother should be in here soon – let me adjust your pain meds, we kept you off of them from the fever but they might just help.”
The night feels eternal; you can’t sleep a wink, and your mother stays with you the whole night. Your fever continues to climb and although at first your breathing is rapid to cool you down, by the time the sun rises it feels as though your lungs have stopped working entirely. You don’t know if that’s normal for a fever.
“Doctor!” Your mother calls for what feels like the thousandth time.
Dr. Greene hurries into the room, Jimin right behind her. “Is it her fever?”
“No, it’s…” Your mother points wordlessly at your hands. You can’t see what she’s talking about, but when you raise your hands you see your fingertips are blue. You can’t think. You can’t breathe. You don’t care. Everything is fuzzy, so fuzzy… the monitors are beeping again, but you can barely hear them. You’re gasping for air now, choking on nothing. You can’t breathe.
“Doctor Greene,” Jimin says loudly, “I think she’s overdosing.”
“Lord, you may be right. Get the Narcan!”
Jimin darts out of the room and returns just as your eyes begin to flutter closed. Taehyung…
~~~
There’s a cliff. Taehyung is there, you know it. You just need to jump. The moment you start walking, though, it’s almost as if you’re being pulled away from the edge. No! You open your eyes. Has it been minutes? Days?
“Dear god,” your mother says breathlessly. “She’s awake.”
“How on earth…?” Dr. Greene wonders, wiping her forehead. “Jimin, props to you for your quick thinking. But an overdose? How?”
“Doctor, it’s possible that with her weakness and weight loss, plus the fact that we held off the morphine for several days, an average dose might have caused her to OD.” Jimin suggests. His voice seems to carry more authority than even Dr. Greene’s.
“Yes, perhaps… but the fever?”
“Hm…” Jimin reaches forward and prods at the stitches on your chest. You immediately flinch, your raspy voice yelping in pain. “An infection. Possibly blood poisoning.”
“You know, you really might be right,” Dr. Greene says thoughtfully. “It’s not impossible. Okay, we’ll start you on an antibacterial and switch to lower-grade painkillers.” With this note, Dr. Greene and Jimin file out, leaving you with your mother.
“Momma, did you ever find the car?” You ask, gripping her hand urgently. The owner of that car killed your husband; you want them brought to justice.
“No, sweetie, I’m sorry.”
“What about the license plate?”
“Well, none of the witnesses saw it-”
“No,” you shake your head. “I- the nurse wrote it down. On…” you point to the notepad beside you. “The first page.”
Your mother picks up the abused pad of paper, filled with random journal entries and doodles, and flips to the front. “Y/n, there’s nothing here. It’s blank. Maybe you dreamed it?”
“What? No.” You’re sure that the nurse wrote it down for you. “Check on the floor.”
After a brief but thorough search, the paper doesn’t turn up. What had happened? You can’t possibly remember the partial plate now. Shit. And even so, it was a literal fever dream – you could have made the numbers up.
“Y/n, I’m going to go for an early Christmas dinner at Aunt Ella’s, but I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”
“Sure, mom.” She’s barely slept, after all.
The next several days pass and you gradually begin to recover. The lab tests confirmed your blood poisoning, and you feel more grateful than ever that Jimin managed to catch it early – it could have killed you. It’s now been more than two weeks since the accident, and finally the doctor tells you that you’ll be ready to go home soon. As Christmas approaches, you’ve heard holiday music float through the air and bows and wreaths appear in your hospital room and down the hall. Even with the holiday cheer, the loss of the license plate weighs heavy on your mind.
“Merry Christmas Eve! Time to get up and try walking around!” The afternoon nurse says cheerfully as she helps you out of bed. With your heavy green cast making your leg feel detached, you clunk around while holding the nurse’s arm. You near the window, which overlooks a parking lot decorated with dirty snow, and gaze down onto the cars. Can you ever feel safe in a car again?
“Which one’s yours?” You ask the nurse absentmindedly, suddenly struck by another bolt of grief. Her life is normal. She has a car and goes to work.
“That white one right there next to the blue Prius,” she replies, pointing. You mindlessly follow her finger, when suddenly –
Blue. You clutch at your chest and stumble backwards, nearly falling if she hadn’t caught you. “That’s…” No, it can’t be. But in your heart and deep, deep in your memory… “Can you read the plate number on that blue car next to yours?”
“Uh, it’s a little too far away,” she replies, squinting. “I think it’s Jimin,’s though, I always see him pulling in just as my shift is over.”
Jimin. “Does it look dented at all?” You manage. “His car?”
“Ah… a little? I’m not sure.”
Jimin does have a blue Prius, you know that from seeing it in his driveway every day. So why, today, did the thought strike you so violently?
“You know, I think I’m tired. I’m going to lay down.”
“Oh, okay. Do you want some water or to go to the bathroom?”
“No. I just want to be alone.”
“Okay.” The nurse looks worried, but leaves you settled back in your bed. Night falls quickly and you hear a knock on the door. Jimin lets himself in, a bottle of pills in his hand.
“Hey, I heard you’ll be getting discharged soon,” he says cheerfully. He’s still wearing the Santa hat.
Blue. “Yeah, hopefully.”
“Awesome. Well, you need to take these,” he says, shaking two pills from the bottle in his hand and handing them to you.”
“What are they for?”
“They’ll help you sleep and let your blood vessels dilate to regulate your blood pressure.”
“Mm.” You wash them down with his offered water. Almost as soon as you swallow, you feel your body rebel against you – you lean over and vomit onto the floor. The smell makes you gag and you feel everything you’ve eaten come up a second time, the stomach acid burning your throat.
“What- what did you give-” you can’t finish your sentence as your stomach convulses again. Jimin rushes over to you with a bucket and you lean into it, retching. You continue dry heaving long after your body is completely emptied, while Jimin rubs your back reassuringly. “G-get the doctor,” you croak.
“Are you going to be okay alone-?”
“Yes. Please, just…” your body shivers as he gets up and leaves. What did he give you? You’re doubtless that those pills caused your vomiting. Just the thought sends you back to your bucket, although you’ve no more left to give.
“What on earth happened?” Dr. Greene says, rushing in. Jimin is close behind her.
“He gave me pills…” you gasp as your body tries to vomit again. The muscle contractions leave you feeling boneless. “They made me throw up.”
“You’ve got no known allergies on file…” Dr. Greene says, consulting a chart by your bed. “Jimin, what did you give her?”
Jimin produces a bottle clearly labelled DOXEPINE. “Just to help her sleep, she was asking for something earlier.”
Your heart drops. “That’s not-” you’re interrupted by another gagging fit. You want to scream at your body that there’s nothing left, but you can barely speak. “Not the same-” fuck.
“She must have a sensitivity to the Doxepine,” Dr. Greene says thoughtfully. “Jimin, make sure she stays hydrated. If she keeps throwing up we’ll need to keep her longer for observation.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“Ngh… no…” Dr. Greene leaves before you can tell her that that wasn’t the same pill bottle.
“Here, drink this,” Jimin says, offering you a bottle of water.
“What did you give to me?” You ask, panting. As soon as the water touches your tongue you reach for the bucket, your body rejecting it immediately.
Jimin blinks innocently. “Sleeping pills.”
“Fuck off, that wasn’t the… same bottle.”
“Y/n, you’re sick and grieving, it’s understandable that your eyes are playing tricks on you-”
“No. You… poisoned me!” You summon what strength you have left and swipe at the nurse, who’s now leaning over you. Your fingers catch the silver chain around his neck, and the motion knocks the locket open.
Fluttering out of the locket and onto your bandaged chest is… hair?
No, not hair. Your hair. The color, and texture… it’s exactly the same.
You’re missing a chunk of hair, I’m guessing from the accident, the nurse had said.
Not from the accident. Almost in slow motion, your eyes travel up to meet Jimin’s.
“Y/n, you’re acting erratic.” As if nothing happened, he plucks your hair from the bed, tucks it back into the locket, and straightens his Santa hat. “I’ll have to tell the doctor to consider sedatives. Merry Christmas, Y/n.”
“No-” Your stomach contracts once more and by the time you look up, gasping for breath, he’s gone.
You spend another sleepless night in the hospital, growing more paranoid by the minute. You refuse to eat or drink anything you’re given – you’re still nauseous, and what if it’s full of sedatives?
When dawn breaks on Christmas Day, you’ve never felt less cheer. You’re concerned about Jimin; the car is surely a coincidence, but the hair? And the pills?
“Y/n?” Dr. Greene knocks on the door. “Merry Christmas. How are you feeling?”
“I want to get out of here,” you respond immediately.
Dr. Greene smiles. “We’ll see how you do moving around today. How’s your nausea?”
“Better,” you lie. Anything to leave. You can handle nausea at home.
“Wonderful. Well, Nurse Jimin will be taking care of you today, since your other nurses are off duty. Press the button if you need anything.”
You nod, shivering. Should you tell Dr. Greene? Before you can consider it, though, she’s left the room.
Hours later, Jimin pops his head in, his Santa hat crooked. The locket is still swinging from his neck.
“Hey! Dr. Greene said if you’re doing well by the end of the day, you might be discharged for tomorrow!”
You stare at him. Can he really pretend nothing is wrong? “Great.”
“Let’s get you up and walking around.” Jimin offers you his arm. At first you don’t want to take it, but your legs are too weak on your own. He slowly leads you out of your room and down the hall before circling back. You pass another window overlooking the parking lot and there, in the same spot, is the blue car. From this window, you can see much better.
“Which car’s yours?” you ask quietly.
“That blue Prius next to the white one,” he says cheerfully, pointing.
Finally, when you squint you can read the license plate: 7HLC946.
7HL. Your body stiffens. It’s the same car. Then, that means… you swivel slowly until you’re staring at Jimin, who’s still looking out of the window. He killed your husband.
He leads you back to your room. You feel frozen, and not from the wintertime. When you go inside, you hear a soft click. Your eyes widen. He locked the door.
“How are you feeling?” he asks softly from behind you.
“F-fine. Perfect,” you reply, your voice shaking.
“You know, you really have to stop getting yourself in trouble,” he says, strolling to the bed and smoothing down your sheets. Your eyes dart to the locked door. If you made a break for it with your cast, he could still beat you to it. “Every time you’re supposed to get discharged, something happens, and then who has to save you?”
“I’ve recovered,” you say firmly. Is it an ego thing? He wants credit for doing his job?
“Before, you always had your husband to save you,” Jimin says, standing. His eyes are drilling holes into you. “Do you know why he’d always see you off at the door?”
“Wh-what are you talking about?”
“It’s so I couldn’t even look at you. He was always around, but not this time. And this time it was me that saved your life.” Jimin is advancing now, still smiling serenely. Your heart pounding, you back away, your cast clunking against the floor.
“It was you,” you whisper when your back hits the window. “Your car. You hit us.”
“Almost gave me a heart attack when I saw you remembered my plate,” he says now, examining his nails. “Lucky I saw it before your mother did. How is she, by the way?”
“You… you killed my husband!” Your scream is more animal than human when it rips from your throat. You’re fully prepared to leap at Jimin and take the life he took from Taehyung when he pulls out a syringe.
“Shhh…” he says, stepping forward. “What did I say about sedation?”
Your blood runs cold. You don’t want to know what’s in the syringe, or what he’d do to you if he injected you with it.
Caught between him and the window, you freeze. You have to get away from him. You turn around and swing your heavy cast at the window.
With a painful CRASH, the glass shatters. Shards fly everywhere, several of them catching and slicing your skin. You hear commotion outside and below as you shoot for the window and try to grab onto the windowsill. You nearly sob when the glass in your grip breaks off the windowsill. Almost… just like your dream of the cliff, though, you’re dragged back from the escape. Jimin locks one arm around your neck and pulls you away from the window.
You feel a sharp prick in your arm and, seconds later, your muscles seem to melt. If Jimin weren’t supporting your weight you would have fallen. Shit. What did he do to you?
“It’s for your own good, my love,” he says, carrying you to the bed and tucking the blankets in around you. Your tongue feels too heavy for your mouth; you can’t speak, and you can barely move your arms.
There’s a loud banging on the door. “Y/n! Are you alright?”
“One second,”Jimin says to you before striding to the door and opening it.
“Jimin! What happened?” The voice belongs to a doctor you don’t recognize.
“Hey, Dr. Kim. Y/n started being combative and went for the window. Luckily, I got her calmed down and back into bed.”
Help. Your vocal chords won’t respond to you. “Hhe…”
“Goodness. We should get her moved out while the window is being repaired.”
“I agree, but she did just fall asleep and she hasn’t slept in a while. I suggest giving her an hour.”
“Alright, well, please keep an eye on her.”
“Sure thing, Doctor.” Jimin shuts the door and locks eyes with you.
“I’ve waited for you for a while, you know,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed. His position pins down your left arm, but your right is still free. If only you could move it. “You never got sick, or hurt. I checked. You never even came to visit.” Jimin continues smiling, but his eyes are cold. “That wasn’t very nice. It’s your fault that I had to make you come visit.”
“Stuh… you,” you gasp, forcing your head to clear. “Psy…” Let me go, you want to scream. You’re straining with the effort just to lift your head.
“I know, I know, why didn’t I just talk to you at your house? Well, your guardian was always there. But here, I’m in control. And I’m the one that can save you.”
You can sense feeling returning to your arms. If he keeps talking, it might give you more time to recover from your paralysis. Luckily, Jimin seems so relieved that he can finally tell you everything that he doesn’t seem close to shutting up.
“Do you know how many times your mother has thanked me for saving your life? How Dr. Greene said I was her favorite nurse?” Jimin caresses your cheek, becoming more animated as he speaks. “Even you, Y/n, you called me your angel.”
You try to bite him when his hand gets close, but your jaw muscles are slack. C’mon…
“And you’re right, I am your angel. I’m your guardian angel, and I’ll always keep you safe.” You can almost lift your hand. At his words, he leans in to kiss your forehead and with enormous effort, you use the same moment to lift and swipe your bloody hand, still gripping the jagged glass from the window, at him. The glass catches Jimin right in the neck and he gasps and sputters, pressing a hand to his throat as bright red blood gushes from the wound, spattering you and staining the bed. Meanwhile, you collapse, your strength entirely spent.
Jimin staggers upright, hand outstretched towards you. When he tries to speak, his voice is a mere gurgle.
“Y/n- you… no…” with that, he falls to the floor. You see him try and fail to rise again before Jimin sighs and is still at last.
How did you wind up here?
As you slump back into your bed, with him lying on the floor next to you, a hazy thought informs you that it must look like a scene straight out of Romeo and Juliet.
Although, you think ruefully, glancing down at the sharp shard of glass clenched in your fits, I don’t think Juliet would have done this.
“Merry fucking Christmas.”
#yandere society#yandere jimin#jimin#bts#bangtan#nurse!jimin#jimin x reader#park jimin#yandere jimin fic#yandere!bts#yandere!jimin
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Adventures of the mcloughlin three Chapter 34
Lorenzo’s POV
-
He was having a good time playing his video games and then Bev walked in
“Lorenzo we have to go your mom fainted and dad rushed her to the hospital!” Bev says with panic
Lorenzo breaks down and sobs with Bev comforting him in the backseat
“It’s okay baby she’ll be okay” Bev kisses his head
“We always warn her but she never listens and then this happens” Lorenzo cries
“Enzo!!” Liliana hugs him and sits on his lap in the hospital
“That’s my mama in there” he continues to cry
“It will be okay I promise” Liliana kisses his head
-
Brendan’s POV
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That was his wife, the one that he made his, the mother to his children, his best friend.
“Randa baby please” Brendan sobs as he doesn’t realize what is going on with her
“I need you, Miranda. I need you” He continues
“You’re my baby, I cannot live without you” He sobs
They eventually ran the tests and she was all good but was severely underweight and needed food to nourish her body
The doctor walks in
“Luckily she is okay but she is underweight and needs to eat to give her body the nutrients that she needs to survive” The doctor says
“How long will she need to stay?” Bev asks
“About two weeks maybe more if we don’t see improvement or less if she is doing super well, we need her to gain at least 20 pounds, but we will need her to go to therapy after she is released and to make sure that she is gaining and not loosing weight” The doctor says
“Are we allowed too see her?” Brendan asks
“She is currently asleep but you are welcome to go in there with her” The doctor says as they walk in
-
A couple hours later
“Mama!” Lorenzo hugs her and kisses her head as he notices she was awake
“Hi baby” She smiles as she sees her son
“How are you feeling?” Brendan kisses her forehead
“I feel okay just lightheaded” Miranda admits
“I’m so glad you’re okay” Liliana hugs her
“I love you guys so much” Miranda hugs all of them
-
Landon’s POV
He was over at his mom’s house for a dinner with her side of the family they were all on good terms at the moment just as he gets a call from Brendan
“I’ll be right back” Landon says and accepts thd call
“Hello” Landon walks outside
“Hey we had an incident” Brendan says
“What happened?” Landon says worried
“Miranda fainted and was rushed too the hospital” Brendan says and Landon starts to cry
“Is she okay?” Landon asks
“She’s okay but she has to stay for a week or two to make sure that she eats and stuff” Brendan admits
“Do I need to go down earlier to help with the babies?” Landon asks
“Bev and Rick are staying until she gets out of the hospital so they’ll be okay” Brendan says
“It’s been a while i’m going to make sure she’s okay” Hannah says and walks outside and notices him crying
“I won’t keep you too long I just wanted too fill you in” Brendan tells him
“Bye dad love you call me if you need anything and update me on what is happening” Landon eventually hangs up
“What’s wrong?” Hannah asks
“Miranda fainted and is in the hospital but she’s okay” Landon says to her
“I feel horrible for her” Hannah says as they walk back inside
-
Brendan’s POV
He had felt horrible for the way that he had treated Miranda through her eating disorder so he decided to get her flowers and a Cartier love bracelet
“I have something for you” Brendan says and hands her the flowers and the box
“Awwww what is it?” Miranda smiles as she opens the box
“Honey it’s beautiful!” She smiles and puts the bracelet on her wrist
“Thanks babe” She kisses him
“You’re my girl and I love you more than anything” He kisses her head and snuggles her
“You guys are pretty cute” Liliana says
“That’s all you’re dad” Miranda smiles
“Stop lying” Brendan holds her and kisses her head causing her to giggle
“Well i’ll leave you too alone” Bev says and everyone walks out
“If it wasn’t for these iv’s and wires i’d fuck you right here right now” Brendan says
“Babe” Miranda giggles
“When we get home we have a lot of making up to do” Brendan says
-
Liliana and Lorenzo’s POV
“I’m so glad that mom and dad are happy again” Lorenzo says
“I know they’re pretty cute for being old” Liliana says causing Lorenzo to laugh
“Dinner’s ready!” Bev yells from downstairs and they both come down and eat
“How’s you’re boyfriend?” Rick asks Liliana at the dinner table
“He’s pretty good i’m going to hang out with him tomorrow” Liliana says
“I cannot believe you will be 18 next week” Bev says to her
“It feels crazy to say that i’ll be 18” Liliana says
“Mom and dad are going to cry so hard” Lorenzo laughs
“Yes they will” Bev laughs
-
FEEDBACK!!!!!
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therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm
also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED
i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™
this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever
the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.
i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh
1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means
2. i have to build confidence, which means
3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.
she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her.
i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose.
so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it.
EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it.
BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.
i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.
like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc
she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.
it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating. it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.
naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.
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My Journey
By Nicky Jones
We have arrived once again at 4/20. Today we celebrate all things Cannabis. As we contemplate a more laid back manner of doing things, allow me to tell you my story of how Cannabis saved my life. It gets a bit heavy, but sometimes that's just the way it is. Here goes...
Six years ago, at the age of 34, a nuclear warhead was detonated in my life. After a lifetime of wondering if I had back problems, an acute disc herniation at L4-L5 painfully confirmed this suspicion. Prior to this incident I was an active father who enjoyed running quite a bit and had a decent job working in a mill. After the incident, I quickly lost touch with who I was completely.
When I first met the neurosurgeon that went on to operate on my spine, he thought he was in the wrong room. He stared down at the chart in his hands and then back up at me with a puzzled look on his face. The MRI looked bad. At the time, I didn't so much. Just before my injury, I was in good shape clocking in at a fairly lean 180 pounds. He explained that my spine looked like the spine of a much older, much heavier man. He didn't expect to see this young, fit guy on his examining table when he walked into that room, but there I was. Pain and fear had crashed into my life like an 80 mile per hour head on collision. I rushed to the operating table.
My postoperative recovery went pretty much as bad as it could go. The company I worked for decided I needed to hurry back to work to keep my job. So I skipped much of the healing process and went chasing a little bit of money. My employer soon realized I was no longer the strong and capable worker that they had hired. It didn't take long at all for them to find a reason to push me out the door after nearly five years with the company. I had surgery in January and was jobless by April. I quickly found another job working for the city. I worked 3 days and they also fired me when they got the results of my pre-employment health screening. They said I was too high risk and therefore unemployable. I didn't know it yet, but I was down for the count. I gained 100 pounds the first year after surgery putting me around 280 pounds. I was in constant, immobilizing pain which was compounded by the added weight. The weight kept me from being active and being inactive caused more weight gain. To make matters much worse, my pain was horribly managed with a myriad of drugs including dangerous opioids, which would be given and taken away seemingly at random. I felt like I was being tormented by a mean bully. I now know this bully’s name is pain management. Round and round you go, where do you stop? Look at the statistics and you will see. Years of destructive drug addiction and pain ensued. All the while I gained weight.
Three hard years had passed since my spinal surgery and I was almost at rock bottom. Not far to go now. I was around 320 pounds. I had gained approximately 140 pounds since my injury. To mask the pain, I was on a fentanyl patch that would kill me if I were to put it on right now. I had to lose weight. I joined a weight loss program that offered a pathway to gastric sleeve surgery. This was a last ditch effort to be rid of the extra person I was carrying around. I am honestly not sure how I made it to surgery in the weight loss program. The program was great, but by this time I was in a very bad place. The psychologist that evaluated my emotional ability to have the surgery and move forward postoperatively did not want to clear me. I was a mess. With tears running down my face, I explained to the doctor that this was my last hope to get any semblance of my life back. Although I really didn’t believe it would work, I somehow convinced them that I did. I was cleared. I had to give it a shot. I was literally dying.
In preparation for my surgery, the pain management doctor decided to cut my pain meds in half. They explained that if they didn’t decrease my tolerance, then there would be no option to treat my postsurgical pain. This sent me into a tailspin of opioid withdrawals much akin to coming off of Heroin. I felt like I had some nightmarish version of the flu. In addition to all of the typical flu symptoms, I was also experiencing mind-melting depression and anxiety among other things and was having to change clothes and sheets several times a night due to the fact that I literally sweating it out. After a few days of this I made a monumental, life-altering decision. I decided that if it was gonna be this bad to reduce this poison coursing through my veins by half, then how much worse could it get to just do the whole enchilada. The answer was: much worse, It could get much worse. I had my wife hide my firearms. I had to phone friends and family I hadn't reached out to in years in the middle of the night just to avoid losing my grip on my sanity. It felt like I was sick right down to the center of my soul. This went on for weeks that seemed more like years. I decided to try medical cannabis to help with the withdrawals and the pain. I came out on the other side completely done with opioids and ready to move forward with the surgery and the next chapter of my life.
I had gastric sleeve surgery on April 10, 2017. There was nothing easy about this process. However, once I made the decision that I wanted to live my life rather that allow it to continue to be stolen from me by circumstances, I took the surgery and everything that it involved very seriously. I stuck to the program’s month long liquid diet to the letter before the surgery and left the rest in the capable hands of my surgeon. Everything went well with my operation and recovery. I continued to follow the program instructions which set me on a path which led me out of darkness and into the light.
Since my surgery I have continued to educate myself on how to live healthier. I am now very careful about not only the quantity, but the quality of the things i put into my body. I was able to go back to work, but I gave up the mill life. I now earn my living as a gardener, which is a passion I have had most of my life. I have developed a yoga practice that helps me deal not only with my pain, but allows me to condition my mind, body, and soul to remain focused on a positive, healthy lifestyle. I continue to use cannabis as an alternative to opioids and it handles my pain and occasional anxiety much more effectively than anything I have previously been prescribed. And all without the horrible life-ending side effects that come with opioid pain medications. It didn’t happen overnight, but I made it back down to 180 pounds which is where I was before my life-altering spinal injury six years ago.
I am very specific with which Cannabis strains that I use. I stick with Sativas during the day to stay focused, creative, and energetic. They help tremendously with inflammation and take the edge off my pain. Some of my favorite Sativas are Jack Herer and Green Crack. In the evening I switch over to a heavy hitting Indica such as Yoda OG or 9 Pound Hammer . These make the pain drift away and my sleep quality is top notch.
In January of this year, I experienced another acute disc herniation. This time at L5-S1. I was taken to the ER by ambulance and spent nearly a week in the hospital learning to walk again with the new level of pain. This was nearly the same injury with nearly identical symptoms and pain as my original spinal injury. But this time it went much differently. In the hospital, the entire staff were very interested in what was different about me. It really caught their attention when instead of asking for more IV pain medication, I said “No thanks, I am weaning myself off of that, so I won’t need my dose for another 6 hours”. Before I left the hospital, I was completely off the IV pain meds and up walking the halls. According to my nurses, I was a continued hot topic during daily staff meetings. The thing is, I wasn’t seeking any attention or special treatment. I used the spotlight to show anyone who was willing to look that there was a better way to swing when life throws curves. They sent me home with a few pain pills which I was done with 3 days later, about the same time that I ditched the walker I came home with. I now have the most heartwarming support system in the form of family, friends, and healthcare providers. With the help of my beautiful RN wife, amazing physical therapist, and a brand new perspective on life I am healing my current injury without surgery or opioid pain medications. Therapy and Cannabis. Although my right heel remains completely numb as a reminder that I did in fact experience some serious nerve agitation due to the herniation, the rest of me is wide awake and present for every moment of my life.
Happy 4/20 💚
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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 135, December 2018
Last Saturday night, I attended the CinFull Fitness Christmas break-up held at The Main Cafe Bar Restaurant in Berwick. Considering that I had to work for 9 hours and quickly got myself changed after work (into an ugly Christmas sweater of course), I was amazed at how “awake” I was. The restaurant was a lot more fully booked than I expected and I could tell that the staff were flat off their feet. I easily found the table that Cinamon booked for us so I just decided to walk on over.
The sad reality is that I hardly ever go out socially so tonight I was making the most of it. Still, I was being sensible with my alcohol intake especially when I had to get up early for work the next day. Cinamon made up these cute little gift bags with a personalised name tag, each containing some bath bombs and choccies. It was a really sweet and thoughtful gesture. I decided to order the poached chicken with chips, which ironically was the first meal to arrive considering I got there a bit late.
Even though social situations will continue to be a challenge for me, I was doing my best simply tuning into the conversations happening around me. As I’ve stated before in previous blogs, it takes a while for me to be comfortable enough to open up about myself to people. I guess it’s a self-defensive mechanism of mine, being cautious about who I trust and trying my best not to get hurt. I’m certainly not a closed book either, simply just shy and reserved.
I could also tell that these girls (and guy) were all pretty relaxed around me. That actually puts me at ease because I know girls can have preconceived notions about men but the truth is that they have nothing to fear. I try to be the most easy going, friendly, caring, humble man because that’s my nature. We did have plenty of laughs and somehow I managed to stay for over 2 hours, which is a pretty big achievement for me.
I didn’t even need to rush over to the toilet once (for a mental regroup) so that shows my progress with being in social situations. I enjoyed my night and I’m really looking forward to smashing more fitness and confidence goals in 2019 with CinFull Fitness.
On Monday afternoon, I had an appointment with my occupational therapist Ambika from Everyday Independence. I was feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive today as I really didn’t know what I’d be in for. I did my best to create a calming, relaxed space in the dining room with my folder full of notes, a notepad, glass of water and radio playing softly in the background. At least I could say that I was physically prepared for this.
The appointment seemed to go pretty smoothly as Ambika gauged what I needed assistance with at home and together we put together a helpful weekly planner to add household chores to including cooking, cleaning, dusting vacuuming, sweeping, wiping certain rooms of the house. She also made it realistic and manageable, considering I don’t do many of these tasks currently, in order to build up motivation and confidence gradually.
She’s set me the task of preparing my own recipe for dinner including writing out a shopping list and buying all the ingredients. Sounds simple enough, it’s just the “doing” part now. Ambika also recommended a few apps I could use to help with moods, coping strategies for stress and anxiety as well as daily planning and checklists. These are Daylio - Diary, Journal and Mood Tracker, Headspace: Meditation and Mindfulness and Google Keep - Notes & Lists.
On Monday night, I attended my last Boxing class for the year with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. It’s hard to believe that it’s been five months since I’ve joined this group and I can definitely see the improvements I’ve made with my confidence, focus, determination and drive. I’ve always been slow to warm up when it comes to learning boxing techniques and combos but it doesn’t take me long before I’ve “got it”. https://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-basics/how-to-box/the-beginners-guide-to-boxing
It was just a couple of us tonight (Sam, Sarah and myself) but I was content with that. I was actually worried that I wouldn’t get there on time with all the local peak-hour traffic making me run late but I made it. We did some EMOM (Every Minute on the Minute) drills which involved 10 jabs, 20 uppercuts, 30 highs and 40 hooks plus 4 side to side straddles, 10 star jumps, a squat hold and 10 V-crunches. Plus some continuous walking combos which made us all laugh.
I’m hoping that in the new year, I’ll be able to come to classes more regularly and even stick around for a “double” one time. But right now I know my limits in terms of physical fitness. It’s something I need to continue to work on so that I don’t get as tired or fatigued as often. It’s about forming better habits and smashing through goals gradually. It doesn’t matter how many times I go off track, I’m going to keep bringing myself back.
On Tuesday morning, Mum and I attended the City of Casey - School Crossing Supervisor’s Christmas social function held at Zagame's Berwick Hotel. Switching the venue from last year’s event at the Lynbrook Hotel to here seemed like a good idea on paper considering how large the turnout was. Sadly, they still ran into a few problems such as using a “random bingo number” system to organise everyone’s meal orders. It was chaotic and messy to say the least especially with Sonya having to yell out the numbers instead of using a microphone. Going table by table would have been much more efficient but never mind.
We were lucky to sit in a comfy circular booth near the rear of the Sports Bar with Mum’s friend Val plus Kay and Ray. They put on a Morning Melodies performance for an hour, playing a mixture of Christmas songs (Hark Now Hear The Angels Sing, Blue Christmas, Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree) and a few classics including ABBA’s Dancing Queen and Honey Honey, You’re The One That I Want by John Travolta & Olivia Newton John and Sugar, Honey Honey by The Archies.
After the drama with the main meals was over, Dreena (the School Crossing Co-ordinator) announced a few years of service awards and drew out some door prizes. Mum was lucky enough to win one which I was very pleased about. As expected, I got asked the question of what I’ll be doing next year. I always find it really daunting and hard answering because I never really know myself. I’ve lived this year pretty much day to day.
It’s like people expect you to have your life mapped out for the next 5-10 years but in reality, I’m lucky to plan a month in advance. However, I am considering enroling in one of the free TAFE courses such as the Certificate IV in Mental Health as I have personal experience as well as a keen interest in that area. Plus I still have a burning passion for creative writing including blogs and music/movie reviews and also getting back into art again. So there you go. Hopefully that’s a satisfying enough answer for those wondering.
On Tuesday night, I went to the final Body Balance class for 2018 with Astrid held at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I was still feeling very tense through my upper back and shoulders after my boxing session last night so I figured some yoga and pilates stretches should help with that. We did the new release (number 83) which features tracks including Towards The Sun by Rhianna, Die Young by Sylvan Esso, There She Goes by Leon Bridges, I Need a Forest Fire by James Blake & Bon Iver. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/bodybalance/#facType=modal&filterType=0&classes=bb
Overall, this wasn’t a bad release. The balance tracks and Pilates were the most challenging parts for me but I did what I could given my limitations. Here is a breakdown of the exercises: Tai Chi Warm Up (Overhead arm circles, Flowing Water arms), Sun Salutations (Forward Fold, Low Lunge, Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Crocodile, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength (Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Joyful Warrior, Intense Pose), Balance (Half Moon pose, Falling Star pose), Pilates Core (Foot circles, V-crunches, Bicycle crunches, Bow pose), Twists and Seated Poses (Swan pose, Wide Legged Forward Fold with Side Stretches, Half Lord of the Fishes pose), Hamstrings (Butterfly pose, Happy Baby pose) and Relaxation. https://www.livestrong.com/article/39660-body-balance-class/
On Friday morning, I had my first appointment with a speech pathologist named Amon from Everyday Independence. Was it going to be like the opening scene from Everybody Loves Raymond? (THEY’RE COMING! Come and sing a song of joy!). Probably not. That’s just my anxiety trying hard to freak me out. New person alert. Oh shit! It’s something I need to seriously confront in order to gain more self confidence really. And the reality is that he’s here to help me. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/speech-pathology/
Today’s assessment involved being asked a lot of scerario-based questions related to my communication skills and how I talk with people I know and people I’m not familiar with. It was pretty difficult and confronting at times especially the part on making conversation. This is an area where I have huge issues and a lot of sensitivity about ever since my childhood. Plus it’s really draining answering questions for 1.5 hours. https://www.everydayind.com.au/therapy/communications-skills/
Luckily, Amon was very friendly and easy going. It was just tough coming up with decent answers like how I respond in certain situations and trying to remember specific examples of times when this happened. When you’re in a brain fog or you simply can’t come up with anything, it’s embarrassing as. But Amon was quite patient during these awkward silences and didn’t push me too hard.
We also came up with a couple of goals to work towards over the next 12 months. This includes: Being more confident and using strategies to make conversation with others, especially people that I’m not familiar with. Developing friendships with people I feel comfortable with and be able to spend time socially with in the future. I rated my level of importance has high for both of these goals. Hopefully 2019 will be a more successful year for me in terms of achieving more self-confidence and better communication.
“The cold wind is blowin' and the streets are getting dark. I'm writin' you a letter and I don't know where to start. The bells will be ringin' Saint John the Divine. I get a little lonely every year around this time...I've got to know (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Where do the lonely hearts go (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Oh cause' nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.” Darlene Love - All Alone On Christmas (1992)
“All around the world. Anticipation. 'Cause here it comes again (you see). No matter where you are. It could be near or far. But it still feels like Christmas time to me. I tell you what you already know. Forget and ready to let it go. The countdown has begun. Whether you're in the mmh. North, South, it's all the same. Let your troubles fade away. Get ready to love everyone.” Kylie Minogue & Dannii Minogue - 100 Degrees (2015)
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Medical Mistakes Affect 1 in 5 People Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Medical mistakes are made in the operating room, in the emergency room and in the doctor's office. And, unfortunately, the mistakes made by doctors, nurses and pharmaceutical companies still are the third leading cause of death in the U.S. Statistics from a study originally published in 20001 have not changed in the 17 years since its publication. Authors in the Canadian Journal of Surgery believe medical errors represent a serious public health problem and a threat to patient safety.2 The definition of a medical error often rests on patient outcome, or rather if there was a negative outcome from a medication or procedure. Some research suggests 250,000 people die each year from medical errors and millions more who are harmed by drug-related mistakes.3 However, as frightening as the number of people dying from medical error is, some suggest it is only the tip of the iceberg.4 The purpose of understanding the numbers is not to scare you, but rather to help you understand how you can take control of your health even inside the health care system. Making informed choices and using proven tools to reduce your risk of illness by maintaining optimal health are strategies you may use to reduce your personal risk of injury at the hand of another. Some medical errors have resulted in drastic changes in the standards of medical care, but often only after tragedies and long years of work to change an ingrained system. For instance, in 1982, ABC highlighted cases of anesthesia mistakes that resulted in injury or death, but it wasn't until 1985 before a program of standardized anesthesia care and monitoring was put into place to avert those errors.5 As a general rule, one of your best ways of preventing unnecessary injury or death is to stay healthy and out of the hospital. This is why I am so passionate about sharing preventive health strategies with you, such as eating right, exercising, reducing stress and getting quality sleep. The exception is in cases of accidental trauma or surgical emergencies when modern medicine can be truly lifesaving. Survey Reveals 1 in 5 Patients Has Experienced a Medical Error In a nationwide survey of more than 2,500 people, researchers found that 1 in every 5 adults had been on the receiving end of a medical error and 1 in every 3 said someone whose care they were closely involved in had experienced a medical error.6 The results from this survey found most of the errors were involved with diagnosis of a medical condition and occurred in an outpatient setting. The press release begins:7 "The vast majority of Americans are having positive experiences with the health care system, but 21 percent of adults report having personally experienced a medical error, according to a new national survey released today by the IHI/NPSF Lucian Leape Institute and NORC at the University of Chicago." Other notable findings from this survey included: Almost half of the participants who discovered an error brought it to the attention of medical personnel or other staff Most believed that although the medical staff are predominantly responsible for safety, patients and families also have a role to play People identified on average seven different factors that played into the medical error While the survey does demonstrate a willingness to be involved in patient safety, it is also important to note the average rate of error was 21 percent in this sample size, and medical mistakes continue to rank as the third leading cause of death in the U.S. Dr. Tejal K. Gandhi, chief clinical and safety officer and president of the IHI/NPSF Lucian Leape Institute, commented on the results of the study: "The survey results show that Americans recognize that patient safety is a critically important, but complex, issue. The focus on diagnostic errors and the outpatient settings closely parallels other research in this area and confirms that health care improvers need to take a systems approach to safety that encompasses all settings of care, not just hospitals. I think one of the most valuable findings is the degree to which patients are willing, and expect, to be involved in their care. The fact that many people who experienced an error spoke up about it confirms that patients and families are vital to informing health care organizations about harm and how to prevent it in the future." What's Acceptable Human Error? Any time humans are involved in an equation, there is room for error. No human is error free. And, like most other human behaviors, the average rate of human error has also been picked apart, studied, analyzed and discussed. Human error rate tables confirm that the "human factor" is real and unavoidable. Human performance falters when tasks require great care, or are complicated and nonroutine, in much the same way medical care functions. However, in most human error rate tables, the highest percentage of error is 10 percent performing complicated, nonroutine tasks.8 Mechanical error rates outside of medical care average 0.5 percent to 1 percent.9 Researchers measured pharmacist error in a busy VA hospital where 1.9 million medications were dispensed over one year and found a 0.0048 percent error rate during the busiest shifts when verification of over 400 medications was done in one eight-hour shift.10 IHS Automotive, an auto industry research firm, reports there are nearly 253 million cars on U.S. roads.11 There are an estimated 5.8 million car accidents each year.12 Of those car accidents, 94 percent are caused by human error.13 If each car drove just once each day, accidents occurring as the result of human error in the 253 million cars is equal to 2.1 percent. Each of these statistics is a far cry from the 21 percent of patients in the U.S. health care system that experience medical errors. You May Be Shocked by These Medical Mistakes In many instances, medical error is preventable as it's often the result of human error. Patients and family members may help reduce these mistakes by staying vigilant when receiving medical care.14 • Getting the wrong treatment To give you medication, radiation, physical therapy or even surgery, medical staff are required to verify your identity. Most hospitals use identification bands with your name, birthdate and a unique barcode. Make sure this is checked before you receive any medication or treatment. • Waiting in the emergency room Hospitals and emergency rooms have a finite amount of space, so when they are full, you may be forced to wait for medical care. Most hospitals will prioritize patient care based on the extent of the trauma or urgency of the medical situation. Be sure the staff is aware of any changes to your medical condition while you're waiting. • Waking up during surgery If you receive an underdose of anesthesia, your brain may be "awake" even if you can't move your muscles. Unable to move or speak, you may still feel the surgery taking place. Express any concerns you have with your surgeon and anesthesiologist before surgery, including asking about options for local anesthesia in lieu of being put to sleep. • Surgical mistakes Surgeons may perform a procedure on the wrong body part, or leave a “souvenir” inside. Between 2005 and 2012, nearly 800 instruments were left inside patients after surgery, drastically increasing their risk for infection and necessitating a second surgery.15 This number doesn't include other potential objects, such as sponges or electrodes. Alert your surgeon and attendants you are aware of these issues, confirming with the surgeon the body part on which surgery is planned and asking them to be especially careful when counting instruments and sponges at the end of the surgery. • Fake doctors Not all medical mistakes are made by medical professionals. In some cases, con artists pretend to be doctors or therapists to scam you of your hard-earned money. They sell potions, braces or exercise programs advertised to make you healthier, faster, better or prevent surgery without the research or expertise to back up those claims. CNN gave the example of Sarafina Gerling, who wore a back brace advertised online by a man found guilty of insurance fraud. Gerling thought the brace would help her scoliosis, but it only made the condition worse. Iatrogenic Infections Result in Nearly 50,000 Deaths Each Year Iatrogenic (caused by a medical treatment, diagnostic procedure or physician) and hospital-acquired infections kill more people each year than diabetes. Each year 1.7 million are infected at the doctor's office or hospital and 99,000 die from health care-associated (HAI) infections.16 These infections affect up to 10 percent of all patients hospitalized each year and add an estimated $20 billion in additional health care costs. Also called nosocomial infections, the most commonly acquired in-hospital type of infection include infections in central line IV catheters, urinary tract infections from Foley catheters, surgical site infections and diarrheal illness from Clostridium difficile (C. diff). In many cases, these infections can be prevented using simple handwashing techniques required of hospital personnel when coming into contact with patients. Unfortunately, many of these infections are triggered by superbugs or bacteria that have become antibiotic-resistant. Inappropriate use of antibiotics and overuse have contributed to the development of antibiotic-resistant superbugs, but the largest source of exposure is actually through antibiotic use in your food. Nearly 80 percent of all antibiotics sold in the U.S. are given to livestock to reduce disease and make the animals grow bigger faster. Residue from antibiotics is then passed along to you in the meat and dairy products you eat. For example, at least 80 different antibiotics are currently allowed and may be detected in cow's milk. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)17 has concluded that as much as 22 percent of antibiotic-resistant illness in humans is linked to food. Death Certificates Hide the Real Numbers At this point, no one knows the real number of deaths that may be attributed to medical mistakes as most death certificates do not list the trigger. For example, Dr. Barbara Starfield, author of the Journal of the American Medical Association study that documented a staggering 225,000 deaths from medical mistakes in 2000, was herself a victim. Her husband, Dr. Neil Holtzman, attributed her death to an interaction between aspirin and Plavix, which was not mentioned on her death certificate.18 Researchers from Johns Hopkins Medicine believe these shortcomings in how vital statistics are recorded hinder research and keep the issue out of the public eye. They wrote an open letter to the CDC, calling for medical errors to become a recognizable and reportable cause of death.19 The data analysis showed the coding system used to categorize death certificate data doesn't capture information that may have led to unrecognized surgical complications, inappropriate medications, diagnostic errors or poor judgment. The inability to capture the full picture of medical errors may stunt research and public knowledge of a problem that continues to grow inside the health care system. The researchers have recommended a number of different strategies that increase transparency following an error and communication within the health care system and with reporting agencies, such as the CDC. These types of changes may help researchers evaluate the issues and find solutions to reduce patient injury and death. As long as providers and administrators don't acknowledge the severity of the problem, very few corrections are likely to be made. Dr. Martin Makary, professor of surgery at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, led the research and commented on the irony in the results, saying,20 “It boils down to people dying from the care that they receive rather than the disease for which they are seeking care." Staying Safe in the Hospital Download Interview Transcript In this interview with Dr. Andrew Saul, who has written a book on the issue of safeguarding your health while hospitalized, we discuss the importance of being your own advocate. Once you have walked through your doctor's office door or have been checked into a hospital, you are immediately at risk for becoming the recipient of medical mistakes. You and your family are the best safeguards against experiencing a medical error. This is particularly important for children and senior citizens. Anytime you are hospitalized, be sure you have a personal advocate present with you to ask questions and take notes. It helps reduce the likelihood of mistakes when someone can ask, "What is this medication? What is it for? Who is supposed to get it? What's the dose? Are there side effects?" Another step you may consider if someone you know is scheduled for surgery is to print out the World Health Organization surgical safety checklist.21 The checklist can be downloaded free of charge here. If a loved one is in the hospital, print it out and bring it with you, as this can help you protect your family member or friend from preventable errors in care. Needless to say, avoiding hospitalization is your safest bet. You may be able to reduce your risk of hospitalization by maintaining optimal health following specific strategies you'll find in my previous article, "Medical Errors: STILL the Third Leading Cause of Death."
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After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep
Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.
A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?
Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.
Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.
In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).
Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.
I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.
Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.
Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.
So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.
I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.
This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.
Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.
A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.
The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.
I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.
The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.
And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.
Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.
My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.
Read more: http://tcat.tc/2k1UOuo
from After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep
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