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dbhtychou · 5 years

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Names and Anniversaries

Pairings: Gavin x reader, RK900 x reader

Summary: It’s the reader’s anniversary with Gavin, but he is called away on a case. RK900 is asked to take the reader home.

Warnings: Lots of F-Bombs and language. Gavin accuses RK900 of being a living vibrator. As one does.

Continuing with Cute Girls and Hot Androids week. Song lyrics used are from “Higher” by The Naked and Famous

“You suck.”

“I know.”

“Your work sucks.”

“It does.”

“I am so fucking mad at you.”

Gavin pulled his girlfriend closer, his jacket draped over her nearly bare shoulders. He kissed the crown of her head. “I know, babe, I know. I'm an asshole.”

She tried to elbow him away, but he stubbornly kept an arm around her, gentle but firm. “I hate you.”

“I'll make it up to you. I promise. Another day.”

“But our six-month anniversary isn't another day, it was tonight, Gav. You should have told your boss to fuck off.”

He chuckled into her hair, enjoying the scent. “Then I wouldn't be employed at all. I'd be a homeless bum living on your couch. You'd like that, wouldn't you?”

“I wouldn't. But I'm still mad.”

“I know.” He inhaled the perfume of her again, his hand gripping her hip. “You smell so fucking good. I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I promise. Then I'll rock your world.”

She leaned her head back to look at him. The lights from the club at their back highlighted his hair. The music pounded from the building. God, she wanted to get this man in bed right now. “You think you're going to rock my world, huh?”

“It's the least I can do for bailing on you. Murders don't happen on a schedule, babe.”

(Name) let out a large breath, the indignation breezing out of her. “I'm glad you're out there, getting bad guys off the streets. I know it's important. I'll wait for you.”

Gavin kissed her temple. “That's my girl.”

As he spoke, a cab pulled up and the tall, stiff frame of an android smoothly stepped out of the back seat.

“Your ride's here,” Gavin said. “Nines'll take you home.”

“But he's your partner,” (Name) protested, her voice a little more tired, a little more slurred. “You have to watch each other's back.”

Gavin guided her over to the vehicle. The couple hadn't had the opportunity to finish drinking, but (Name) was definitely a little tipsy. He kept his arm around her to keep her steady. “This doesn't involve androids, I don't need him. It's one of my old cases from before. He's just going to make sure you get home, alright?”

The RK900 reached for her. She was about to take his hand so he could guide her into the car when she turned around to face her boyfriend again. “Kiss me before you go.”

Gavin needed no further request. He sank his fingers in her hair and kissed her soundly, thoroughly tasting her before releasing her again. When he pulled away, her fists were bunched up in his shirt. “Just tell them you quit. We'll figure something out.” she muttered to him, her voice thick with want.

He laughed with a bit of masculine pride to reduce her to such a state. “Nah. You said it yourself, catching bad guys is the only thing I'm good at.”

There were other things he was very good at, but mentioning them would only delay the inevitable. He would go and the longer she delayed him, the longer it would take to have him back in her arms.

“Here,” she said. “Take your jacket. It's chilly tonight. Watch your back, detective.”

“Always do.” He kissed her forehead before giving a quick thank you to his android partner and then trotted off to his car.

(Name) felt the RK900 put his hand on the small of her back and guide her into the waiting cab. She complied and sat herself down while the android walked around the vehicle and then slid into the back seat beside her. He gave the driver her address and the car pulled out into the street.

“Thank you for coming,” (Name) said softly. “You didn't have to. I'm perfectly capable of getting my own cab home.”

“Detective Reed was very insistent you have an escort,” the RK900 responded. “Besides, I was not doing anything else. I did not mind.”

“You're sweet,” she said, bumping her shoulder with his. “You're a good partner.”

“So you've told me before,” he said neutrally.

“It's still true.”

They were companionably quiet for the next few minutes, until (Name) noticed the android kept sneaking glances at her. Mostly, he kept looking down at her bare legs.

“Yes?” she asked when she caught him watching.

He actually looked a little embarrassed at being busted. His LED flickered yellow for just a second. “You... I have never seen you dressed like that.”

Because she was feeling a little lightheaded from the alcohol, (Name) raised a leg, for him, pointing the toe to show off her dainty shoes that always made her legs look great. “You like?”

“I don't know. It's just a different look for you.”

“We were celebrating. It was our six-month anniversary.”

“I know,” the android intoned. “Detective Reed mentioned it often. Along with more graphic details than I would have cared to be told.”

(Name) burst out laughing. “I am so sorry. He's such an ass.”

“He cares about you.”

“I care about him.” She yawned and leaned her head on the taller android's shoulder. “You, too. We both care about you. I'm glad you two have each other.”

The RK900 did not make a statement toward that, but sat silently and allowed her to doze against him. After a few minutes, she was aware of him making a few odd movements against her, then she felt a stiff material drape over her. It was his black and white android jacket. Smiling to herself, (Name) felt very honored and snuggled into it. There was even a little bit of body heat still trapped inside.

Androids, at natural body temperature, weren't all that warm. Warm enough, but a lower temperature than the average person. The RK900 certainly couldn't hold a candle to Gavin who was a living heater. But it was nice. It felt good to share his warmth and (Name) drifted off with a smile on her face.

She came around again when the cab stopped and the RK900 gently shook her shoulder. “We're here,” he told her.

With a moan, (Name) rousted herself, fighting the heaviness of her limbs to get out of the car. A stiff breeze hit her squarely and she hunkered further into the android's jacket for protection. The RK900 stood squarely between her and the wind, blocking its chilly bite as best he could. The android paid for the cab wirelessly and then escorted (Name) up the stairs to her building. She was so focused on holding the jacket to fend off the breeze, she almost tripped on the delicate heel of her shoes when going up the stairs. RK900 caught her and his sturdy arm remained at her side all the way up to the door.

He stood patiently, still blocking her from the wind as she fished through her purse for her keys. After unlocking the door, she motioned him inside and he obliged.

“Hoo! That is a breeze!” she cried, shutting the door against the cold and locking it again. “Please, make yourself at home.”

“I do not have to stay,” the android informed her. “The request was to see you home safely, and I have.”

“You are always welcome. Stay as long as you want,” (Name) said as she attempted to remove a shoe while standing. She immediately teetered again. “Shit.” Once again, the android offered a steady arm. She took it as she continued to remove the stilettos from her aching feet. “You said you had nothing else you were doing, right?”

“That is correct.”

“And you don't have a place to go home to.”

“As an android, I do not require a residence. When not on assignment, I remain at the station and see where I can be of assistance.”

(Name) managed to remove the shoes that had been killing her feet and offered them by their thin straps. RK900 took them, though he looked puzzled as he did.

“Stay here tonight,” (Name) said as she walked off down the hall to her room, his jacket still hanging from her shoulders. Her hands became otherwise occupied with pulling her hair up. “Take a break from being of assistance.”

Since he had her property, RK900 followed her back to the bedroom. He arrived in time to see her standing before her closet, wriggling out of her little red dress as she pulled it over her head. As an android, RK900 felt no embarrassment, nor did he have any opinions on human nudity. But he knew it was polite to look away. His gaze fell on the shoes that still dangled by his fingertips. Delicate, feminine things were not part of his daily routine. It was a unique experience to hold them.

“Thank you, darling, I'll take those.”

(Name) returned to him, now dressed in a silk nightie of pale purple. The material was nearly see-through. The RK900 could make out the line of her black panties, the pertness of her breasts underneath. And of this he had no opinion either. (Name) was her own unique experience of softness and femininity in the android's world of gruff cops and grizzly murders. RK900 silently appreciated the contrast. He would stay as long as the invitation held. He would always stay when she asked.

She tossed her shoes without care into the closet and then plopped herself on the bed, grabbing a wipe to clean the makeup off her face. “Oof, what a night.” She sighed heavily. “What a disappointing night. I was looking forward to having desperate, sloppy drunk sex with that detective all week.” She looked up at the RK900 who had narrowed his brows at that statement and she laughed. “Whoops, sorry for the TMI. Now I'm the ass.”

“Do not put yourself in the same category as Detective Reed. It is wildly inaccurate.”

She laughed again. “Thank you. That is very sweet of you to say.”

(Name) stood and went to throw her wipe in the trash before rinsing her face in the adjacent bathroom. “That man can sure dance, though. Better than me, actually. Did you know that, Partner?”

“I did not,” the android said.

“Do you know how?”

“I do not. This knowledge is not necessary to do my job.”

“But what if you wanted to impress a pretty android girl?”

The RK900 narrowed his brows again. His LED worked itself into yellow as he frowned.

“Or a pretty android boy?” (Name) ventured.

His frown remained. She waited for him to come to a conclusion.

“No,” he decided. “This is not important to me.”

“What about for fun, then?”

His eyebrow actually twitched. Before him, a grin took over (Name's) face and it was intriguing to watch. It pulled at one side of her mouth until her lips stretched wide on both sides. The smile jumped up to her eyes and she was radiant. Before the android could register the sight of her, she moved away and fetched her phone. She fiddled with the buttons and then set the phone on the nightstand. Music began to float from the device.

The RK900 watched passively as (Name) began to sway in time with the beat in front. The tune was lively, but soft and sweet. Just like she was, the android thought.

Like we understood Made with adrenaline Seeping out through the skin Like only lovers could

“Like me, look how I'm moving,” (Name) instructed.

RK900 just watched her, unmoving. Her motions were so outside of his protocol, he couldn't even will his body to respond. His LED flickered yellow as he attempted to calibrate. The android's lack of movement did little to discourage (Name) as she continued to bob and dance, putting her body more into his space. She wasn't touching him, but he could feel her. An aura of her seemed to brush something invisible in him. His systems fumbled again.

Here's where we begin Time is the medicine To heal these needs That only raise our voices

Higher, higher

Her hands landed on the crooks of his elbows. She pushed gently, trying to make his shoulders move. “Loosely,” she guided, still dancing. “Relax.”

It took a mental command for the locked struts of his shoulders to release, making them pliable and easy for the human to move.

“Like me,” she urged, pulling one of his shoulders forward, and then switching to the other.

The android let her move him as she wished, but he made no extra attempts himself. The music did not carry him like it carried her. It just didn't. His lack of activity did not bother her though. Nothing he did or did not do, he suddenly realized, bothered her. Instead, she took his hand in hers and continued dancing.

Tonight we raise the dead Tonight we bury this in fire, fire Under the shape of years And the weight that brought us here

The android watched in rapt attention as she danced. The rhythm of her movements were felt up his arm like a telegraph wire. He wasn't dancing, but for the first time, he felt as if he were beginning to understand what it was. She moved in a circle around him and he rotated with her so their hands could remain joined. Her eyes were closed, feeling the music. His eyes never left her.

But we can separate To form these hearts in stone Rewrite this pain we own Caught here in the wake Nothing but genuine Built on a skeleton Of fractured parts That only raise our voices

Higher, higher

They raised their hands high and she twirled once, twice. She swung their joined arms to the left, then the right. Then she let him go as the beat took off, letting the music take her with it. Her body was in his space again, leaning in. Never touching, but always brushing. Then she turned around, pressing a shoulder and partial back into him, and slid playfully down his body His sensors responded to the physical stimulation. She popped back up and his hand moved to curl loosely around her waist. There was no preinstalled protocol for such an action, he had responded on instinct.

Tonight we raise the dead Tonight we bury this in fire, fire Under the shape of years And the weight that brought us here

(Name) took the hand that was on her hip. She spun and unraveled away from him until their joined hands stopped her from moving any further. They paused like that, like a scene from a musical, a non-existant breath held for the moment. Then the RK900 pulled her back and she expertly spun back toward him, hair whipping loosely around her face. Perhaps she was spinning a little too fast.

She collided solidly with the android's chest. He didn't so much move to brace for impact. The RK900 was immovable and (Name) couldn't help but blush a little when she began to get a better idea of just how strong the android was. He could probably pick her up with one hand.

She kind of wanted him to. Did it just get a little warm in here? The song suddenly dropped low, sweet and romantic. Both his hands had settled on her hips now. Her eyes searched his; storm gray and beautiful as they were. Sometimes, she felt there was something else in there when she looked at the RK900. Something that felt deeply, that cared deeply, but it was very far away; lost.

The alcohol suddenly caught up with her and she swooned. RK900 tightened his hold on her, pressing her against his firm, stolid body.

“You should go to bed,” he murmured to her in a smokey voice. “It's late. You need rest.”

He was probably right. But she groaned anyway. “This still suuuucks. When's Gavin going to come home?”

“He has not contacted me with an ETA.”

(Name) fell back into dramatic mode as she flopped over onto her bed and turned the music off on her phone. “Some fucking anniversary,” she muttered. “Okay, take your shoes off.”

RK900 raised a brow at the unexpected request.

“Shoes. Off,” she instructed.

The order was harmless and he obeyed.

“Now, on the mattress,” she patted the space next to her.

He sat, used to accepting orders.

“Feet up.”

RK900 looked over at her.

“Feet up. Lay down. Go on.”

He blinked at her. “Why?”

She gave a snort as if the answer was obvious. “What? I'm just going to leave you to wander my apartment alone in the dark while I sleep? Lay down.”

Still looking confused, he complied. RK900 lay straight and rigid on the mattress, arms at his side. (Name) reached over him to turn off the lamp. In the darkness, she lifted his arm and slid under it, cuddling up to his side.

“(Name),” the android said.

“Hush, it's my anniversary. I deserve to cuddle something cute and masculine tonight. Unless you are absolutely and thoroughly against sharing a bed with me.”

RK900 thought about it. His options were going back to the station, sitting quietly on the couch alone in the dark, or remaining where he was. “This is fine.”

To his surprise, he felt her lips lightly brush his LED. “You're the best.”

She flopped an arm over him with a big sigh. Then another. “You know, it's our anniversary, too. I met you and Gav at the same time,” (Name) ventured.

“This is true.”

“Happy anniversary, ... you know, we still need to give you a name. Doesn't it bother you that you don't have one?”

“It hasn't been necessary to do my job. Detective Reed calls me 'Nines' sometimes. You may call me that.”

“What if I don't like it?” she pouted. “What if I think you deserve a real name?”

RK900 watched the ceiling. “What name would that be?”

“I dunno. You're an RK, what about Rick or Richard?”

The android said nothing in response.

“How about a C name like Connor's? Colton or Caleb? How about Colin? I like Colin.”

Still no answer.

“Oh, you know what name I like? Adrian. It's kind of posh and distinguished. You look like an Adrian.”

More silence.

She sat up on her elbow to look at him. “You really don't care, do you?”

“I really don't care.”

She huffed and flopped over him again. “No fun.”

“I was not built to be fun.”

(Name) gave a little grunt in response, but said nothing else.

After a while of silence, RK900 said, “If it is that important to you--”

He paused when she began snoring in his ear. Asleep already? Out like a light, as the humans said. The android went back to staring at the ceiling before deciding he, too, would retire for a while into recharge mode.

In the twilight hours before dawn, another male form entered the apartment, slightly damp from the light drizzle that had begun a few minutes previously.

“What a fucking night,” Gavin muttered as he took off his shoes by the door. Exhausted and sore, he padded down the hall to the bedroom. He was so tired, he didn't notice the unexpected body in his girlfriend's bed until he was nearly about to get in on top of him.

“What the hell? The fuck you doing here?” Gavin demanded of the android, still stiff and prone in the bed, a sleeping woman draped haphazardly over his frame.

Any other man or android found in this position, Gavin would have been the subject of his own homicide. But this RK900, clothes still in perfect order somehow, was merely a prop in a scene. No more active toward the woman in the bed than a body pillow. Gavin didn't even have to ask if anything happened. He knew exactly what a man looked like after being thoroughly disheveled and felt up by a woman. There was none of that here.

“She trapped me,” was the android's only explanation to his predicament.

“She trap—she's half your size!”Gavin shot back. When the RK900 offered no more information, he ran his fingers through his hair. “Serves me right, I guess. I leave my girl on a club corner and told her to go home with a living vibrator. My fault.”

“(Name) very much missed you and wanted you here. She informed me that she planned on having 'sloppy, desperate drunk sex' with you.”

“God damnit! That's my favorite type of drunk sex.” He pulled up the blanket. “Okay, Nines, your shift is done. You're free to go.”

Carefully, the android removed himself from the woman's arms and slid out of the bed. Gavin shrugged off his jacket and set about removing his pants.

“Detective,” RK900 informed him. “I do not have a vibration mode.”

Gavin kicked off his pants, now left in a t-shirt and boxers. “Well, whooptie-fuckin'-do, Nines. I'll be sure to tell everyone in the office tomorrow. Though you're going to be less popular at work when they all find out.”

The android furrowed his brows, unsure of what that meant. Gavin was climbing into bed, trying not to rouse his sleeping girlfriend. It didn't work. (Name) began to stir. Gavin mumbled soft words to her as he slid under the blankets and into her arms.

He was about to move on top of her when he noticed there was still a six-foot android standing over them.

“The hell, Nines,” he hissed. “You can leave. Get the fuck out.”

The android turned and left, closing the bedroom door behind him. He heard muffled noises of greetings and coos before walking back up the hall. The precinct was the logical new destination for him. But once he reached the door to leave, the RK900 realized he left both his jacket and his shoes in the bedroom.

He closed his eyes, furrowing his brow in a very human expression at the inconvenience. He was not going back into that bedroom. Not with the new noises what were coming out of there now. There was no other recourse but to sit himself on the couch and go back to recharge mode until he could retrieve his things.

RK900 blinked out of recharge mode when he heard noises from behind, coming from the kitchen area. A soft humming sound indicated it was (Name) before he even saw her. He would inform her he was going back to retrieve his things and then return to his job.

When he walked into the kitchen, (Name's) back was turned to him. The first thing he noticed was his missing jacket. She was wearing it. Her arms through the sleeves this time, her fingers barely able to peek out of the overly large jacket as she made coffee.

“(Name).”

She turned around, mug in her hand. RK900 balked. Now he could clearly see she was wearing only his jacket and that same pair of black panties from the night before. That sight, the line of flesh from her neck to her navel exposed by the jacket, made something click inside him. His eyebrow twitched again. He was not an android of opinions. Neutrality was his natural state of being. But this, her wearing this item of his, he liked that. He liked it in a way that made his thiruim pump beat faster for no discernible reason.

“You okay?” (Name) asked. She indicated to her temple. “Your thingie's going yellow. Is it because I took your jacket? You can have it back.”

She set down her mug, motioning as if she were going to remove the article of clothing right then and there. Two strides was all it took for RK900 to cross the distance between them with his long legs. Before she could react, his hands were on both sides of the jacket, keeping it closed. Keeping it wrapped protectively around her, covering her, shielding her. Just as he always wanted to be there to protect and shield her against anything that would ever come to harm her.

(Name) looked up at him as he hovered over her, his frame bent around her, ensconcing her with his presence. His face was so close to hers and it held her gaze like a magnet. His pale eyes staring right at her, but distant at the same time. His brows drawn, his mouth grim. His LED still blinking yellow. He looked in distress and she could not imagine why.

“That face,” she said gently, reaching up to cup his cheek. “I have never seen that face before.” He leaned into her touch as if hungry for the contact. “Tell me about it.”

His gaze lowered to his hands that were still on the jacket's lapels, holding it closed. His impressive computer mind could not find the words to explain. He was still trying to figure it out himself. So instead he said, “If you have a name you would like to call me, then that will be my name.”

She reached up with both hands now, keeping his face close to hers. “I'm sorry, but I can't do that for you. You are the one that has to choose. It's your name.”

“What's his name?” Gavin asked as he lumbered into the kitchen with a big yawn.

RK900 instantly let (Name) go and moved out of her personal space. He felt something heavy in his chest. Guilt? Like he had done something wrong. Had he?

(Name) didn't seem to share the sentiment. “I'm trying to get him to pick a name for himself.”

Gavin, who was squinting in pain and not even looking at the two of them, sat himself at a bar stool by the counter and dropped his tired face into his arms. “Give him an ultimatum. Say, you gotta pick a name by next week or you're going by 'Dumbshit' for the rest of your life.”

“I believe that is already your name, Detective,” RK900 returned smoothly.

Gavin's shoulders shook with laughter. He finally raised his head and rubbed that rugged patch of stubble on his chin that refused to ever be shaved all the way. He blinked blearily at them a few times and then finally zeroed in on (Name.)

“The fuck are you wearing?”

#detroit become human #dbh #dbh fanfiction #fanfic #gavin x reader #rk900 x reader #Gavin's dialog is my favorite #cute girls and hot andriods

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purrincess-chat · 6 years

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More Than Just a Friend CH 2

This one is longer. Like almost 4k long, but a lot happens! This chapter covers Fencing (pt 2), Dinner with Parents, Comfort, and Admiration! Days 3-6 respectively. It’s kind of cracky and then angsty and fluffy toward the end. Hopefully you enjoy it!

Read on AO3

Chapter 2

“Whoa!” Adrien cried out as he stumbled backwards onto his back, and Kagami poked his chest with her saber before lifting her helmet and giving him a questioning look.

“That’s the third time I’ve knocked you over this morning, Adrien. If you’re going to perform this badly, I’ll look for another partner to practice with,” She teased, offering a hand to help him up. “You’re distracted today.”

“Sorry, Kagami. I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” He said, bending his saber and rolling his shoulders.

“Like what?” She asked as they resumed their positions. “En garde.”

“It’s nothing…” He insisted, shrinking a little.

“Pret…Allez!” Kagami surged forward, seizing the opportunity to score another touch, not that they were having an actual bout, but she always liked to keep score anyways. “I’m not so convinced if you’re performing this badly. C’mon. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s Marinette…” He said after a moment of hesitation.

“Your girlfriend?” She removed her helmet and shook out her hair.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” He rolled his eyes.

“Oh, right, sorry. Your ‘very good friend’ who you also happen to smile at a lot,” She chuckled with a smirk, crossing her arms over her chest, and Adrien suddenly felt very hot inside his lamé.

“I don’t smile at her that much,” He grunted stubbornly. “Do I?”

Kagami gave him a look, and he shifted his weight guiltily. Marinette was just a good friend, and he wasn’t sure how to convince people otherwise. It’s not like he could tell them that he was in love with Ladybug. He’d be absolutely mortified if she ever found out; plus it could give away his identity.

“You certainly seem sweeter on her than with other people. That’s all I’m saying.” Kagami shrugged, and Adrien pursed his lips.

“That’s just because she gets overwhelmed easily,” He defended indignantly.

“Hey, hey, don’t get your briefs in a twist. I just think there might be a reason that she gets so easily worked up around you, but what do I know? I only just moved here.” She took some practice swings with her saber then resumed her ready stance. “Now fence me seriously before I start growing gray hairs.”

* * *

Marinette opened her locker, humming cheerfully to herself as she unpacked her books and sorted her supplies for her first class. After spending the afternoon with Adrien the day before, her head was in the clouds, and she was in high spirits. Finally, she’d gotten to spend an afternoon alone with Adrien, uninterrupted by akumas or crazed fans. Just the two of them. Alone. She couldn’t wait to tell Alya the scoop.

“Good morning, Marinette,” Kagami greeted as she opened her locker across the way and tucked away her gym bag.

“Hi, Kagami.” She waved with a smile. “How was fencing this morning?”

“Terrible. Adrien’s in another dimension today. He wouldn’t shut up about you, ya know,” She said, casting Marinette a knowing smirk.

“Wha- Him? Talking about me? Wh-Why? What did he say?” Kagami suppressed a snicker at how transparent Marinette was when it came to Adrien. It was especially difficult, especially knowing how oblivious Adrien was to her feelings.

“Oh, nothing really…” She replied with a coy lilt, and Marinette was at her side in an instant. “He just thinks very highly of you, that’s all.”

“Adrien…thinks highly of me.” She perked up, eyes glittering excitedly. “What about me? Did he say?”

Kagami pursed her lips to hide her grin before shutting her locker and turning to face her. “I don’t really remember all of it, but he said he likes spending time with you.”

“He does?” She clasped her hands together in front of her chest with a squeal.

“Yeah, something about how amazing and kind you are.” She waved it away nonchalantly, but Marinette erupted into a fit of giggles. “Anyway, I’m gonna be late for class. See you around, Marinette.”

She scurried off, leaving Marinette starry-eyed and rosy cheeked. Honestly, how Adrien couldn’t see it was beyond her. Boys were so dense sometimes. Oh well, perhaps if she prodded them enough something would happen. She hadn’t joined the secret society to get them together that Alya and the girls set up for nothing.

After all, Marinette and Adrien were the first friends she made there, and without them pleading with Mr. D’Argencourt, she wouldn’t have been admitted to the fencing academy. In a way, she felt obligated to help them now. Plus it was fun to watch them squirm, and it was only a matter of time before Adrien came around. He was already smitten; he just didn’t know it yet.

* * *

Adrien peeked around the row of lockers later that day to catch a glimpse of Marinette chatting casually with Alya and Myléne. He wanted to thank her properly for hiding him yesterday, but he wasn’t exactly sure how to do it. Should he buy her flowers? Or chocolates? Girls liked those things, right? Maybe he could have his dad make her a custom-designed necklace, or would that be too gauche?

“Do you normally spy on your friends?” He jumped at the sound of Kagami’s voice in his ear and turned to find her standing behind him with an amused glint in her eyes.

“I’m not spying…” She gave him a stern look, and he sighed in begrudging admittance. “Okay, so I am spying a little, but only because I’m trying to figure out how to properly thank her for yesterday.”

“Have you tried walking up and saying ‘thank you’ by any chance?” She said pointedly with a chortle.

“Ha-ha, but I want her to know how much I appreciate her.” He rubbed the back of his neck with a wince. “Do you think flowers would be too much?”

“Don’t you think that flowers might send a bit of a different message?” She asked, folding her arms over her chest and cocking a hip to the side.

“What do you mean?” His eyebrows furrowed, and Kagami leaned her head back with a sigh.

“When a boy gives a girl flowers it means that he likes her.” Adrien stared at her blankly, so she rolled her eyes and continued, “As more than a friend.”

“Oh…I guess you’re right,” He said, shifting his gaze to his shoes.

“Unless of course that’s the message you’re going for then by all means, flowers would be lovely.” She shrugged, brushing past him and swaying her hips a little as she walked.

Adrien leaned back against the lockers with a conflicted moan. Maybe he was way overthinking this, but Marinette was so kind and thoughtful. He just wanted her to get the appreciation she deserved; that didn’t mean he had a crush on her or anything. Marinette was talented and brave and extremely selfless and smart, and Adrien admired her very deeply…as a friend. Which is why his thank you gift had to be perfect!

Juleka and Rose exited the bathroom, engrossed in whatever conversation they were having, and Adrien saw the perfect opportunity. Perhaps it was time he did a little research, and who better to seek intel from than Marinette’s friends.

“Hey, Juleka, Rose!” He waved casually, and they paused their chatter to focus on him.

“Oh, hello, Adrien!” Rose said with a cheerful grin while Juleka mumbled what he could only suspect was some sort of greeting.

“So, listen I kind of want to give Marinette a gift to let her know that I appreciate her, and I’m having a bit of trouble figuring out what to get her. Do you have any suggestions? I want it to be something really thoughtful.” He asked, tapping his fingers together.

“For Marinette? Hmmm, let’s see…” Rose tapped her chin in thought. “She really likes pink and fashion, so maybe you could make her a nice hand-knit scarf.”

“That’s a good idea, except I’m not good at knitting.” He grinned sheepishly.

“You could get her some flowers,” Juleka suggested.

“Oh! Flowers, how romantic,” Rose squealed, pressing her hands against her cheeks, and Adrien sighed once more.

“I’ll keep thinking. Thanks anyway.” He waved as they continued on, and once the coast was clear a black set of ears poked out of his shirt.

“I think your scary friend is right. You sure are giving a lot of special attention to this one girl,” Plagg said pointedly. “I wonder what Ladybug would think.”

“Not you too. Marinette is just a friend. I’d do the same thing for Nino,” He insisted, but Plagg wasn’t convinced.

“I seem to recall that you only spent 10 minutes in the electronics store picking out Nino’s birthday gift.” Plagg crossed his arms over his chest, a gesture Adrien was beginning to recognize as goading disbelief.

“Well, he’s my best friend, and I know what he likes.” Adrien shrugged indifferently.

“Didn’t you spend hours in the craft store picking out beads to make her birthday gift? And then several more hours deciding among those?” Adrien felt his cheeks flush as a flare of annoyance rippled up his spine.

“So? It doesn’t mean anything! I love Ladybug, okay?” He pushed his kwami back into his shirt and stormed out of the locker room.

His other efforts came up fruitless as well, much to his annoyance. Everyone thought he wanted to express romantic interest, so he was always met with more suggestions for jewelry and flowers, though Chloe did suggest a paper bag to put over her head, but he’d already scolded her for that. The only people he hadn’t asked were Ivan and Myléne, but they were a couple, so he didn’t have high hopes.

“Hey, Adrien,” Myléne said with a smile as he approached, shoulders slumped. “Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just that I’ve been trying to figure out a way to thank Marinette without it seeming like I have a crush on her,” He sighed. “Any ideas?”

“Marinette really loves Andre’s ice cream. Maybe you could take her there?” Myléne offered.

“The ice cream of lovers?” He cocked a skeptical brow.

“You can go as friends too,” She said with a sheepish grin, shrugging her shoulders.

“Doesn’t she really like your dad?” Ivan said, tapping his chin. “You got her his design book for her birthday, remember, Myléne?”

“Oh. Yeahh, I did, but I think that she’d probably like-”

“Of course!” Adrien gasped in realization. “I just thought of the perfect idea. Thanks, Ivan!”

“Uh, you’re welcome.” Ivan waved as Adrien dashed off, and Myléne gave him a scolding look. “What?”

He was so dumb! All this time he’d been thinking of material things, but that wasn’t the way to go about this at all. Why hadn’t he thought of it sooner? Marinette wanted to be a fashion designer, and she really looked up to his father, so naturally she had to meet him in person.

“Marinette.” She startled a little as he leaned against the locker next to hers, so he dialed back the enthusiasm just a smidge.

“A-Adrien! Hi, what is, uh, you’re here. What can I do you for? For you. I- um, how’s it doing?” She stammered, and he placed his hands over hers reassuringly.

“I just wanted to thank you for yesterday. I didn’t mean to drag you into that mess again, but it really means a lot that you’re always willing to help me out when I need it,” He said with a warm smile, and she glanced between their hands and his face a few times before a blush settled over her cheeks.

“Oh, uh, it was no problem. I like to hang about- hang out with you,” She enunciated.

“Yeah, I really like hanging out with you too.” She seemed pleased by that response, and he felt a sense of accomplishment. “So, to repay you for your hospitality, how would you like to have dinner at my place tomorrow night? I can ask my father to eat with us so you can talk to him about fashion and stuff.”

“Really? You want me to have dinner at your house? With your father? That’d be awesome!” She said with a wide grin that faltered after a moment. “But, wait, don’t you normally eat dinner with your dad? Why would you have to ask him to eat with us?”

“Uh, sometimes he gets busy, but I’m sure if I schedule it with him today he’ll be able to come.” Or so he hoped. “So, you’ll come then?”

“Yeah, totally! I will be there,” She affirmed with an enthusiastic nod, and he felt a weight lifting from his shoulders.

“Awesome! See you tomorrow then.”

On his way out, he shot Kagami a triumphant grin, and she rolled her eyes at him. He’d gloat later, but right now he had to get home to beg his father to eat dinner with them tomorrow. He wanted everything to be perfect so that Marinette knew just how much her friendship meant to him.

* * *

“Can you ask him again? Just so he remembers,” Adrien requested, pressing his palms together pleadingly, and Nathalie straightened her glasses, glancing up from her computer briefly to reply.

“I’ve already penciled it into his schedule, Adrien. There’s not much more I can do,” She said flatly, returning to her work.

“Okay, but can you make sure he knows it’s really important?” She gave him a stern look, so he backed out of the office with an apologetic wince.

He spent the next several hours pacing his bedroom, the foyer, the courtyard, anywhere he could, plagued with worry over whether or not his father would show. What if he didn’t? Then Marinette wouldn’t get to meet her idol, and she’d probably be so disappointed. He was certain that she’d understand, but he didn’t want her to have to. For once, he just wished that his father would keep his promise.

When dinner was almost ready, he sat in his chair, nervously shaking his leg, tapping his ring on the table, fidgeting. There was no sign of his father anywhere, and Marinette would be arriving any minute. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach, and when the doorbell rang, he nearly jumped out of his skin, standing up when Nathalie led her in.

“Hey, Marinette.” He stooped to exchange greeting kisses then gestured to the chair adjacent to his. “Have a seat. I’m sure my father will be joining us soon.”

He shot Nathalie a questioning look, and she gave him the typical ‘I’ll go check’ nod before retreating back across the foyer. Adrien pulled out her chair and helped her get settled before taking his own seat and trying his hardest not to fidget.

“Thanks again for inviting me,” She said, folding her hands neatly in her lap.

“Of course!” He perked up a little. “I just hope my father shows up.”

“He stays busy, huh?” He averted his gaze, tracing the rim of his glass with the tip of his finger.

“Yeah, usually,” He grumbled, glancing over when Nathalie’s footsteps clacked against the tile, eyebrows raising hopefully. When she squared her shoulders, he slumped back in his chair. “Let me guess. He’s not coming.”

“Your father has a lot of work to do before the show next weekend, so he’ll be dining in his office,” Nathalie reported, and he felt his eyes sting, so he pressed his lips together in a firm line to compose himself. “I’m sorry, Adrien.”

“It’s fine.” His response was more clipped than he intended, but Nathalie was used to it just as he was.

“Enjoy your meal,” She said in passing before closing the door on her way out, and Adrien let out a sigh.

“It’s okay, Adrien,” Marinette insisted, waving her hands reassuringly.

“No, it’s not. He always does this, and you came all the way here for nothing now, and I feel really bad. I shouldn’t have promised you that he’d be here.” He glanced up to meet her gaze, hoping to convey the sincerity of his apology. “I’m really sorry to disappoint you, Marinette.”

She eyed him a moment with a curious expression before her face softened, and she placed a hand over his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I didn’t come tonight just to meet your father, Adrien,” She said, and he blinked in confusion.

“But I thought that you really admired him?” His eyebrows furrowed.

“I do, but I understand that he’s always busy, so I was prepared for the possibility that he wouldn’t show up,” She explained, and he sank in his chair again.

“Oh.” He said dryly. “Well, I guess his reputation precedes him then.”

“Hey.” She squeezed his hand again, and he looked up to meet her kind gaze. “Let’s not let it ruin our night, okay? We can still enjoy each other’s company.”

He searched her expression, filled with understanding and empathy, and felt his heart stir in his chest. No matter what the circumstance, Marinette always found a way to stay positive, and in that moment, he needed that gentle reminder more than ever. She truly was amazing, and as they talked and laughed for the duration of the meal, he felt his admiration for her growing even more. He supposed that he’d just have to find another way to express his deep appreciation for her, but for now, he was content with this.

“Everything was delicious, thank you,” Marinette said after dessert, clasping her hands together in her lap.

“No, thank you. It was nice to have company for once. I haven’t enjoyed a dinner that much since…” His voice trailed off, and he glanced up at the portrait of his family hanging above the fireplace. “My mom and I used to goof off during dinner, and it always annoyed my father whenever he’d eat with us. She and I used to laugh like this all the time.”

Marinette shifted to face the painting as well. “It’s beautiful. The portrait.”

“My father likes them. Personally, I think they’re a little depressing, but that one’s my favorite.” A sad smile curled on his lips, and he lowered his gaze back on Marinette. “I wish you could have met her. You’re kind and honest, and she would have loved you.”

Her cheeks flushed at that, and she tucked a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. Of course he’d always thought it in the back of his mind, but Marinette was really pretty. Her presence was calming and warm, and Adrien had always felt a little drawn to her.

“I think that she’s been here with us all night, in spirit, that is,” She stated, and Adrien’s eyebrows raised a little in surprise. “Her aura is what helped lighten the mood, as if she were here with us…” She registered Adrien’s somber expression and curled her shoulders. “Sorry, I-I didn’t mean to say something to upset you.”

“No, it’s alright. I think you’re right,” He said, shaking his head. “My father has always insisted that she just disappeared, and maybe that was true in the beginning, but after this long…I’ve come to terms with it, even if a small part of me still hopes.”

Marinette eyed him a moment before offering out a hand, and he took it without hesitance, lacing his fingers through hers and giving them a squeeze. It was a small gesture, but one that brought him great comfort, knowing that someone was there.

“You miss her a lot, huh?”

The question was one that crossed his mind every day. Every meal he ate in that dining room under the static gaze of her portrait, every picture of her he kept in his phone to carry with him everywhere he went. To say he missed her was an understatement, but he didn’t want to burden her with his problems any more than he already had. She seemed to sense his unease because before he could process, her arm curved around his neck, the other hand still holding tightly to his. He hadn’t realized how firm his grip had become, but she never complained and never let go.

“I just spend every day alone, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this, so I try to push through it, but-” He bit his lip and buried his face in her shoulder.

It had been a while since he cried. Most days he didn’t feel it was worth the effort; besides, he didn’t like to dwell on those things too much, but he’d forgotten how freeing it could be to cry. And at least, this time, he had a shoulder to cry on.

“Sorry,” He sniffled when he’d finished, leaning back and running a hand across his nose. “I’m the worst dinner host ever.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” She said sincerely, wiping a tear from his cheek with her thumb and trailing the back of her fingers along his skin.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you,” He said with a breathy laugh, and she placed her other hand on top of the two still twined, cradling them against her cheek with that warm smile of hers.

“You don’t have to be alone. If ever you need someone…you can call me, okay?” She murmured, and Adrien nodded, leaning forward to press a soft kiss against her cheek.

“Thank you,” He whispered in her ear. “I feel like I’m always in your debt.”

“There’s no debt among friends,” She giggled, taking both of his hands in hers. “All we can do is be there for each other when we need it. So, I mean it. If ever you don’t want to eat alone, you can call me. I care about you, and you’re not a burden.”

“I’ll take you up on that. It was nice having someone to talk to, and I’m really glad that someone was you, Marinette.” Her cheeks flushed at that, and he felt his burning too. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.”

“Maybe next time you can come have dinner with us. I’m sure Mama and Papa would love to have you over,” She said on the walk to the door, and Adrien opened it for her with a gracious bow.

“I’d love that.” He perked up, feeling a bit of his usual enthusiasm returning.

“How about tomorrow then?” She offered, and Adrien felt his heart skip when her eyes met his again.

“Tomorrow sounds great.” He nodded, and she held out her arms to him which he entered willingly. “Thanks again, Marinette.”

“You’re welcome. What are friends for, right?” She gave him a tight squeeze before pulling away and stepping out onto the porch. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” He said, watching her go with a dreamy smile. “See you tomorrow.”

#miraculous ladybug #adrinette #marinette dupain-cheng #adrien agreste #adrinetteapril2018 #my writing #more than just a friend

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duckiem32 · 4 years

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Day 24 - Attempting Secrecy

Today I had a date in London with some old friends from University. I had arranged to meet with Sarah first as decided I needed to tell her... not to good at secrecy after all. BUT... in my defence I did have a justified reason.

Another Sarah, I seem to be collecting Sarah’s but there is just something about them that I adore, and strangely they both have perfect personalities and curly hair. She is my creative, mad hatter friend who loves to party with me. I doubt you see that in me much by the time you are reading this but I do love a night out with my girls. Dan too, or couples nights out but really just any excuse to let my hair down, have some cocktails (anything Lychee or a Cosmo are my go to drink - I wonder if thats changed?) and dance the night away. The funny thing is, now as I write this it makes me smile to think of you hearing me talking about nights out with friends. Me, Matt & Sz always wind Nanna up about her night out stories at Crackers (with the light up dance floor) but I do love to think of Mam out with friends as a teenager and wonder if you will be thinking the same.

Anyway... another Mam trait, I digress... so back to the point. Sarah loves to travel as much as she loves to party so when I found out back in November that I was being made redundant I begged her to come away with me. We spent lots of time talking about ideas and eventually I convinced her to join me in Ibiza (it really didn’t take much convincing though!). So we booked into the same place I went last year with Daddy. The Grand Palladium Hotel & Spa. It really is grand. All inclusive – of course to take advantage of the bar and cocktails (or so I thought) and then we booked a whole load of parties to go to together, Ushuaia, Amnesia, Elrow, The Zoo Project. THEN the best thing that s ever happened to me threw a tiny little spanner in the works. And I couldn’t have been happier to have as the reason.

So there is my very justified reason to share you with another person. Prior to today I couldn't decide whether to tell Sarah or not. I felt she needed the opportunity to alter our plans given how different the boozy week planned would now be, I was thinking about it for ages, discussed it with Dan and Mam who I usually soundboard off for advice but then a few days before we were due to meet she messaged me... “I had a dream about you last night and you said you had something really BIG to tell me and I don’t remember anymore... so annoying” quickly followed by “Tell me something exciting to satisfy me!”. I had to tell her now. Somehow she already knew.

So when she met me at Pret in St Pancras station with a her giant smile and arms wide open poised for a huge cuddle, as usual, I knew what to say. She sat down and I asked her to tell me the exciting news was. She looked a little confused at first then it clicked and she laughed and told me she didn’t know but was adamant I needed to tell her something. So I did. I told her I did have a tiny little secret to share with her. She was so delighted for us. She cried and was super emotional for the next half hour. It was so lovely and of course she said all the things I expected her to about Ibiza... “ let’s cancel”, “We don’t have to go”, “It’s really fine we can go another time”, “Why don't you and Dan go, he can take my place”etc. Of course I told her we weren’t going to not go but it would mean a bit of different holiday to what we were expecting. She pointed out the positives, like Sarah always does and when I complained that the all-inclusive might go to waste (thinking booze) she reminded me it meant we could stay in the hotel all week and just sunbathe and eat thanks to the all-inclusive. Plus she would certainly try to make up for my shortfall in the drinks department. So we agreed, for now at least that we will go and have a nice relaxing girly holiday in the sunshine. And I think in some way actually this will be even better than the original plan. Plenty of time together, lots of sun, more food than we can cope with and best of all, no hangovers. Not that long to go and you’ll be on your second holiday (already!).

The rest of the day we avoided eye contact with each other as we sat around the lunch table with Rachel and Jo. Discussing Rachel's impending arrival and Jo’s new job. One look and we would giggle or smile too much. Our only relief was when they both decided to use the bathroom. Its going to be a tough few weeks thats for sure!

Stay Safe My Darling xxx

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yesithoughtthat-blog · 6 years

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It’s OK to quit your job

Maybe it was when I sat at my desk that I realized it, or in line at Pret and feeling the urge burning in my throat, clouding my mind, numbing my hands.

“everyone cries -- I’m just an easy crier.” I wasn’t ashamed of crying, crying is in my blood, it’s the first way I usually come to express my (almost always) overwhelming emotions. So when I casually strolled into the bathroom at Pret, which I knew would soon become my safehaven, I immediately burst into tears as a way of relieving all the emotions building up. I wasn’t necessarily overwhelmingly sad, but I knew I could afford a little meltdown before I had to head back into my first day of work, and why not? It would give me relief and then I could pick myself back up and continue on my way. I think it’s funny how whenever I cry, I always look at myself in the mirror during the midst of my breakdown. I’m always surprised by how I look even though I’ve literally seen myself cry a million times. Just like, wow, your really deep in some emotions right now, huh. I was going to type, “this bitch really is ugly af when she cries” but I’m working on reducing my use of self-depricating humor.

So going back to my breakdown, I’m in the mirror, crying, realizing my foundation is being wiped away with my tears, fuck I didn’t pack my foundation so I’ll just blot my face when I get back to the office and hope there aren’t obvious tear tracks on my face. I don’t exactly remember if I felt relief, maybe just relief that I had a moment to not pretend I was ok, but the sadness was still there. I had had a stressful morning, me and my dad had missed our train, fast-walked to my building, I was exhausted from not sleeping (stress and anxiety, ofc), I had barely ate (because not eating when I’m stressed is a great habit, ofc) and now I couldn’t stop the thoughts coming into my head.

The thoughts. Like I miss being at college, I miss my friends, I can’t believe I’m an adult now. The thing about having OCD is my mind tends to go to extremes, tends to believe in the worst case scenario, tends to make me, or at least try, the most miserable I can be. Thankfully it’s all kind of muted and hazy thanks to my antidepressant, my dear dear antidepressant Viibryd. And reading this now I am remembering I never took it today.

OK back from that. So, yea, I missed being at college, I was exhausted, I could not believe that I would have to repeat this whole day again tomorrow. That drived me nuts too. I hate waking up early with a passion. Again, stems from staying up late because anxiety then it becomes a habit then it starts to interfere with my life, as do all self-destructive habits that come along with mental illnesses. And on top of that, starting a new job is just stressful in its itself! So I had all of these seemingly nice people welcoming me, I had a promising job, but I was miserable. I was silently crying at my desk, I was barely able to concentrate on my job, but I figured it’s pass, that I needed to give myself time to adjust and that I could push through it like I had everything else.

And thennnnn the next day came. Let me preface this by interjecting that when I say I have an “anxiety disorder” (because OCD is usually met with a face that I can tell is thinking “well I have no idea what that it is but it sounds unpleasant”), they (anyone I tell), is usually thinking that I am anxious over the standard things. Like, oh, I’m anxious people won’t like me, or I’ll have a lot of work, which yea, I was. But also, OCD gives me alot of other stuff to worry about. So just going through about my usual day, I can list off the top of my head what I’d be worried about. Like, I get out of the car and say bye to my mom, and I think “What if this is the last time I see her,” which is not a fun thing to think. And then I wait for the train and I think “what if I passed out right now and then I fell on the tracks, or I tried to get on the train and I fall through the gap” or then I get on the train and think “what if the train gets stuck AND THEN i pass out on the train or I have an anxiety attack” AND THEN i get to penn and I think “what if i passed out in front of all these people or get an anxiety attack” AND THEN i walk to work and that’s when the vertigo starts, or the dissociation, or the clammy hands or dry mouth or all of the above and I’m thinking “all you have to do is walk in a straight line, just walk to work” and I can feel the fuzziness in my hands, I can feel it all over my fucking skin and I feel like it’s someone else looking through my eyes and I just can’t grasp if it’s me looking out or if it’s me thinking about thinking and if I’m really there and am I losing my mind or am I imagining my vision going slightly shifty, slightly hazy to make me nervous but not to put me in any danger, just uncomfortable enough to put some sweat on the back on my neck and twitch my hands in my pocket, picking at the same piece of skin next to my thumbnail over and over until it’s bleeding and I have to suffocate it. I have to suffocate the thoughts and I have to get to work on time but I’m so stressed I’m so. fucking. stressed.

And then I get to work. And it doesn’t stop. And mind you, this is my second day! And of course, the second day I cried again, silently weeping at my desk. Of course this job involved the two things I hated, public speaking and flying. it was almost laughable. I actually did laugh, me and my therapist later on. My whole job was giving presentations to clients (middle-aged, stoic faced, insurance or investment clients), and FLYING to different states to give these presentations. Maybe by myself, maybe with a coworker. And I knew 100% I couldn’t do that. So why would I stay? Quitting right before I was supposed to give a huge presentation was obviously not a good idea. But to even think about the work I was doing right now, at that moment, at my desk bored as fuck and feeling so inferior to everyone around me working on computer science and business, which is probably not an accurate but yes how I did feel thought, and then to be stressed, to just want to catch my breath. I knew I had to quit. I knew I was pushing myself too hard. My mom knew it, we had looked at each other before I had gotten out of the car and I had known that fuck, this was going to be hard wasn’t it. So on top of all this stress was my good old friend vertigo popping back into my life, and I’m sitting at my bosses desk and were listening in on a meeting and I feel the floor shift. I had felt it before too when I had gone to the bathroom and that sometimes happens when I sit for too long (and meanwhile as I’m peeing my coworker is brushing her teeth because she had forgot to this morning, if anyone wants an idea of what adult life really is like), and anyways, I’m at her desk and I feel the floor shift. Up, down, tilting side to side like I’m on a boat and I start to feel a little uneasy. And I cannot wait for this fucking meeting to be over. For this client to just shut up already the software is fine, do you really need to understand that part Kathy can I please just leave already, so I’m essentially just staring at the desk at this point and then my boss asks me if I have any questions and I :) of course do not have any, I’m great, awesome, thanks! And I get back to my desk and S.S. Anxiety is fast away on its course, taking me up and down and downnnnn and up and I am freaking the fuck out, naturally. This happened to me before, so it’s not a new feeling, it’s probably my birth control (which is another long story) so I of course then begin to realize -- how am I walking back to Penn. And that fills me with dread. A lot of dread. And after about 20 minutes of deliberation I meekly walk into the girl’s office next to mine, HR, because I guess that’s where you ask to leave early? Who knows. And i ask her if i can leave early and I can feel the tears wanting to surface, I’m embarassed and she tells me I have to ask my boss and I do noooot want to do that. So I sit back at my desk and I’m trying to do some deep breaths, trying to calm down and it eventually it passes! Thank god it passes. And thank god it finally becomes 6 and I start walk to back to penn and I get in the first cab i see because i have had a long day and I deserve this thank you very much. And the cab driver is super nice, telling me how to get to penn because he can tell i have no idea where I’m going, poor girl. And i get to penn and I get on a 6:20 train and i close my eyes and almost miss my stop. But it’s ok because I’m finally home.

Fast forward the next 2 days, I’m home sick with vertigo, I go to a primary doctor and then an ENT and get prescribed medication that helps. I think my boss is mad at me but I’ve got other fish to fry. I go in monday, I try my hardest, and it’s too much. And that’s what I want to get at. Life is not linear. Just because your “supposed” to do something doesn’t mean you have to. I took a year off of college, even though I wasn’t “supposed” to, and I will never regret it, I am so fucking thankful and grateful I did. And when I sent my resignation letter in later that day, I knew I would be grateful I did.

It’s OK to not follow the line people try to paint you. To take a break, to take care of yourself. My happiness and health comes first. I will be OK not having this job, with finding something else, what other job, I do not know as of right now. But for now, I am going to commit to working on things I have wanted to for a whileeeee, like working out! and continuing to improve how I manage my emotions, because that will always be an up and down situation I can work on. I ranted alot to my friends about this, but I also googled “quitting job bc of anxiety” and reading the 3 other blog posts I found made me feel a little less alone, and I’m a huge advocate of speaking out about mental health, so hopefully someone else out there reads this and knows they aren’t alone too. You’ll be ok. Trust me.

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