infinities x wormholes (SETBACKS)

I honestly have no idea how to start this. So I guess if this intro sucks, you know now why. LOL.

I’m still not sure how to begin this to be frank but yes, of course, I know I need to start somewhere anytime soon and stop beating around the bush.

Setbacks.

Let’s start with this word because if you’ve got to read the very first blog I posted this year, you will already have an idea of why this word made it to the title of this blog post. And if you haven’t read that yet, well, go to that post first and read it. I linked it on the word ‘Setbacks’ above. This post will make more sense if you do that first. I swear. Although, of course, if you don’t want to be bothered, just continue reading, and PLEASE HAVE AN OPEN MIND while reading this entire entry. Okay? Thank you. Because we need to be mature here if we are going to do this together ^.^

Now let’s get this straight on. I’ve been engaged since late 2016, I just said on my previous blog post that it’s late 2017 because we only started making serious wedding and finally settling down together kind of plans half way through 2017. Yes, I know, it may sound like we’re not taking it that seriously to just plan and make everything work on a short amount of time. And I won’t lie, so yes, that is probably one of the few reasons why the wedding didn’t push through this year. It’s simple, we’re obviously not ready for it. You know, emotionally, YES OF COURSE WE ARE DEFINITELY INTO IT. There’s no argument there, and whoever you ask from the both of us about it, we won’t think twice for the answer. However, ladies and gentlemen, we are living in the real world here and not in some chick flick movie hence there are some adult stuff and real shits that we have to handle that you know, we didn’t expect that will hit our unpreparedness real hard.

So now, you might wonder how I felt after everything. Well, I guess I’ll have to say first how we came up with the decision of postponing it and all the jazz of handling the aftermath of the postponed wedding.

Well, okay, you see, this blog post was a bit hard for me to write and you know, put more of my feelings out there when I wasn’t even sure of what I was feeling. It’s been almost 2 months already since I started constructing this, but now that it’s officially one week before our 3rd year anniversary, I know exactly what to put on here.

I realized, for over a month of trying to finish this entry, this is just how far I’ve come to. Not even ¼ through with what I want to share. Actually “would’ve” now since part of my realization before finishing and posting this on here, is that, you know, I don’t really like the idea anymore of putting my life out here. Especially my lovelife. First of all, because it slid my mind that Gravity is a very private person and to be honest, so far, I’ve loved how the privacy of our relationship feels like. It feels more secure. If that makes any sense.

NO FRET, though. This post will still have something in it. I’ll still share my thoughts about our relationship. It may not be that detailed but I promise I’ll be sharing an honest to God feelings and thoughts of mine.

Let me just answer the question of how we’ve got to agree to postpone the wedding I think. That’s much better to start with, yeah?

So this is how it went. Gravity and I have known each other for almost 4 years now which technically to be honest makes us to have been dating for over 3 years already. But then again, we just knew for ourselves I guess that we would need to make a sturdy foundation first if we both want a serious and committed romantic relationship with each other. And yeah, in 6 months from when we first met online, I think we did just that in the best way we can. Unintentionally, but obviously it worked for us after all. Hence when he’s frustrated, or you know, agitated about something, I can almost instantly sense it. And yes, even despite the distance, I just can, okay? That’s why when he was acting like that one week (or maybe over a week) before his arrival here back in May, I just knew that we’ll be talking about some serious shit. As expected by yours truly, one day, it happened. He was the one who brought it up first. Yow girl though, being the cancer (like the zodiac sign, okay?) that I am, of course got upset and said some stuff that well, I guess pretty unnecessary but still never regretted anything I said that time though cause a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, you know. I needed that sudden outburst for me to get myself together and you know, collect myself after a bit of lashing out. In my defense, it’s not that I was so mean to him but I did act like a bitch. LOL. I asked him nicely though to give me some space and all that jazz for me to think about it.    

After a few hours (or was it just even less than an hour? LOL not sure anymore), I got myself collected, and told him…yes, I’ll be quoting myself cause it’s cringey as f*ck, so here you go. LOL. I said, and I quote, “You know what’s worse? You gave me a date, you gave me hope, and you gave me something to look forward to.” And so on and so forth. Just know that I did lash out before that part. Like it’s a 10 chat bubbles comprised at least 100-200 words each. There’s even this CRINGY ASS BUBBLE WITH WORDS IN CAPSLOCK. Like everything in it and I quote again, “I HAD MY FUTURE SO CLEAR TO ME ALREADY *HIS NAME*. WITH YOU, TOGETHER WHERE WE GET TO HAVE A HOME, WHERE I CAN FINISH A DEGREE WHILE YOU GET TO YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL IN YOUR CAREER, AND WHERE I CAN TRULY BE HAPPY ONCE AND FOR ALL.” Yes, I know, cringey and cringy all at the same time. Now y’all know now, don’t let your happiness be a person nor like just a mere plan. Just BE happy. No hows, whens nor whys. Even buts actually, don’t ever do that. Or you’ll end up just like me. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t know all of that before we had the plan of getting married or whatnot. It’s just that, you know, even if you know for yourself what is right for you, in times like what happened to me and if you’re as weak as me, it will surely slip your mind and you’ll just be that one petty person who’ll just be living in his/her own fairytale.

But I did end my verses with a very light note though, and I quote once again, “I know our lives are stressing us out right now. Yes, it’s overwhelming to the point that we’ll really get to question if we’re doing this the right way. But please, think of how long we’ve waited for this time to come. Our individual agony because distance is keeping us apart and we can’t be there for each other when we both really need at least just a hug for comfort. But again, as I said up there, I’m not going to force you to continue the wedding if you’re really not ready yet though. Just tell me ASAP lolz so I can go back to work than doing nothing.” And sent that with a laughing emoji. That easy. Although I must say that I did really feel so heavy that time. Which is reasonable too, I guess during those moments. HAHA.

Now though, that I’ve already seen the silver lining of the wedding getting postponed (?), I do really think that I was being such an irrational girl. Like I was seriously just being a girl who’s complaining of how her happily ever after is not happening anymore. I am facepalming myself so hard everytime I think of those days. Because honestly, though, I didn’t even have a visa yet when he’s about to arrive already so what was I really expecting? LMAO. Besides, to be completely honest, it was part of my lashing out that I get to tell him how terrified I was of the plan but I still pushed it through just because I was convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. So when I’ve re-read everything, I’m just relieved in a whole different level.

I won’t just share anymore about Gravity’s one month vacation here because it wasn’t really that eventful. One thing’s sure though. That long time together didn’t let us see or you know, make us realize that it’s the right thing that we didn’t push through the wedding because we couldn’t stand each other after all. On the contrary, it made us realize how much of a right thing that decision was because his stay here proved to us that we do really want to be together and it’s really way different than being apart. Hence, planning out everything, even not the wedding first, is very important. Just so we can be sure that we really will be together soon. We just need to be patient and work on it more seriously now. Because it’s not a thing for kids, really. It requires two adult that understand and know each other well enough to make a long term decision together.

So, I think I’ll just wrap this up now with this.

We’ve been together way longer than how most people get to be in a relationship now. And you know, despite that, I am convinced still that no matter how much that we do feel like we’ve known each other so well already, that’s not really the defining thing that would let us be really together just like how we very much wanted it to be. It’s not that easy, because every single day is every single opportunity also for us to grow into something that would let us be who we want to be as an individual. Our love for each other, it’s not just that that would keep us together. We’re best friends and not just lovers, y’all should know that. And no matter what, we would still care for one another. Hence, y’all should know also that in whatever circumstances, we would always choose the option of making each other the best of who we can be as a two different person. 

We do have plans now. Again, for us, together, for the near future. And yes, I can picture it happening. You know, somehow. But for now, I’m happy that we’re happy just how it is going. We’re not rushing things to get into their places, and I’m glad that we’re letting it be that way. Most importantly, you know what I’m most grateful for? It’s that I have someone who won’t ever fake a dream and give it to me just to make me happy and satisfied. I’m thankful that no matter how hard it is, I have a person, a best friend that would always live in reality with me, supporting me to be the better person that I want to be, and to have everything that I deserve in life. And you what? I wouldn’t want it in any other way.

Always keep in mind, Happiness is not finding the right person, but happiness is being the right person. OKAY?

E N E R O

Here we go again.

It has been a yearlong, I think, since I last posted something on here. I know, I know. Same excuse, same blab. However, I think there is a catch on this one now. If you want to know what, then you better keep on reading..

First of all, I know I posted something about me getting hitched first before this one so technically it hasn’t been that long yet. Nevertheless, I want you all people to know the truth always, so here is the thing. I did actually start writing this first because I have been feeling strongly about something, and that what truly urged me to stop procrastinating and get my ass off my phone. Stop browsing through my social media accounts; sharing, retweeting and liking posts/tweets about and/or relating to what I’ve been feeling, and you know get up and grab my laptop and fckin’ start on writing my thoughts out already. Therefore, here we are! Blogging at its finest yet again. Posting one after the other. It has been quite a year after all anyway, you know.

Now let me start from the very beginning.

January. Oh what a start of the year it was.

OPS! OPS! OPS!

You didn’t read everything up there that were crossed out, did you? Hihi.

Well I crossed them sh*t out for a reason. One, is because those few bits up there were from my draft last year that was supposed to be my year ender blog that as you all know now, that I didn’t get to post because of the reason that I said on my last post here. And two, although those words would actually still make sense up to now, I don’t really feel like starting this year in that kind of light. Especially now that it’s coming back to me all the feelings, tensions and just all the not really pleasing vibe. So if you want to read more of what has been up with me this month of January and what are my thoughts on starting the year with everything that had happened last year. Then let me be my guest, welcome again to Lifenigma!

Where should we start?

Hmm. Let me see, I guess, let’s go with the cool fact that I welcomed and celebrated the new year and new decade in my beloved city of Cebu.

So yes, I did went to Cebu. But of course this happened because I went there with my family. We welcomed the year 2020 in Cebu, which is part of the planned Philippine vacation trip of my grandmother and aunt who are living in USA. They are back there now again actually. Because you know, immigrant life, I guess. And people gotta work to have their well-deserved vacations when they wanna have them. That’s one thing I learned throughout the years of having family living and working abroad to be honest. That getting to be in a different country doesn’t instantly mean “good ass fckin life.” NAH, MAN. If you think it that way, you might as well try it out yourself first before blabbing your fcvkn mouth with nonsense. Hard work, Determination and Perseverance are always the key that you should obtain if you want to have that good life you’re dreaming of. And yes, if people who see me perceive me as a person who is born with a silver spoon, I guess I can’t blame whoever would ever think that way. Because hey, my family made sure that I have a good life and I thank them for it. But hell to the NO that it means everything went smoothly for me, for us! LOLZ. Because if you do really know me personally, you won’t ever think of my life that way. Dude, my life story is worth an MMK or Magpakailanman episode, and we’re not even talking about my lovelife yet nor how I fought through getting attacked by a ruptured Arteriovenous Malformation (Hemorrhagic Stroke). So you know, if you think you actually know me.. which, well, maybe you do, by some part of it at least that I let you have a glimpse of. THINK AGAIN. Hihi.

Here’s some photos from the said trip. (I’ll include them here soon as I get a hold of the photos in good quality condition.)

So that’s how my year started, traveling. But of course not forever is a vacation, by the 2nd week of January, I went back home, directly heading to a seminar/orientation by a Foundation in Pampanga that was celebrating their 33rd Anniversary before going back to Zambales upon landing. Yes, it was tiring because I had to commute still from the airport in Clark to San Fernando by myself under the heat of the sun. Admittedly, there were even times that I couldn’t help but doze off during the whole day event. It was catered for the PWD Sector and Senior Citizens that is very efficient since it’s the Launching of the Community Based Rehabilitation (CBR) in which if you are a leader from these two sectors, you would know how helpful CBR is specially for the IPs. To be honest it’s not one of those seminars that I really got engrossed with. Main factor would probably be because I was really exhausted to even completely comprehend what the facilitators were talking about. Some of them (speakers and topics) were familiar to me though and I have encountered them from my previous visits in Pampanga so I was somehow disappointed with myself on how I behaved throughout the seminar.

Anyways, if you want further information about the Foundation that invited us to the said event, just click here.

If you don’t know it yet and have not read my blogs here before, I think it’s time for you to know now that I’m a PWD volunteer/leader in Olongapo City ─ down to the grass roots in one of the Barangays of the City. I’ll just post a different blog on I guess giving you some insight of how long I’ve been volunteering and/or what on earth I am doing as one. But for now, I must disclose first how lousy of a leader I have been in our Barangay this January. Why? Because firstly, I didn’t get to set a monthly meeting with my members; which could have been the first one of the year. Second, I didn’t get to prioritize my plans for the year for our Barangay. And yes, it’s because I’ve been too focused on taking care of myself, I guess? I forgot that I have sworn an oath to take care of others too before the year 2019 ended. I have loads, huge plans for this year to be honest. Which I guess, since I’ve let the first month of first quarter pass by without doing anything productive about it, I should now work my ass off this 2nd month of the year. YES! I’ll do just that! :) 

Moreover, in the last week of the month, I enjoyed spending it with my uncle’s family, by celebrating my cousin’s birthday in Pampanga. It was fun, even if most of us got cough and colds when we got home after the said staycation. It was still one heck of an experience. You gotta love life you know. You only live once after all.

I am in no way living a perfect life but I do love it, believe it or not. There may be those rough roads, puddles you need to either leap on or just enjoy walking through no matter how messy it can get. Nevertheless, you know, it doesn’t really matter that much at the end of the day because that’s how you’ll grow as an individual. Life gets pretty tough and you will never know as well when the demon would actually test you, but as long as you believe that there are people who see you as who you really are and still love you and will be there for you, EVERYTHING’S GOING TO WORK OUT JUST FINE.

With everything that have happened (may it be from last year? LOLZ. I know some of you, if you guys are reading this right now.. are still probably waiting for me to post something about this somehow plot twist in my life before 2019 ended. HAHA. Hmmm, I might get there one day, okay. Who knows? We’ll see, eh? Hihi.), one thing is evident by this month of January, it is how lucky and grateful I am to have my family.

 vivre la vie au maximum, gens!

K<3

PS: I will add some more photos here before I post another blog. I may or may not update you about it on Instagram if this blog is already complete with photos. So might as well, follow my account there. HAHA. Yes, I’m shamelessly plugging my IG. #SorryNOTSorry

Recovered

Hi, Hello! It’s a NEW F***N DECADE!

Ooopsie! To the newbies, please excuse my cussing. Hihi. But yeah, I tend to do that here; more often than not actually so, I guess, welcome to my life, eh? Welcome to Lifenigma!

Anyways, let’s get down to it.

Well, this is not really an official entry to be honest. This post is just a filler. You know, that simple proof in this thing you call life to remind myself that even the simplest sh*t matters. And man, it’s not like.. “oh yeah, hey of course, it does.” But it’s actually, “BITCH, LISTEN, IT MATTERS A LOT.”

Why? Bitch, why not?

So, listen, if you’re a friend of mine on Facebook and you’ve seen and read the caption of this post, you would instantly know (but if not, maybe just an idea at least) why I have to post this first before posting an official one (however that freaking OFFICIAL post is actually like. LOLZ).

In addition, if you know me personally and have known what went down in my life in the last quarter of the year 2019, the title above might give you an idea ahead of what this post could possibly be about. It is not intentional, though, it’s just the very first word my mind thought of when it happened.

UGH. Yeah, sure Kirsten, you kept on blabbing again. What on earth was that that happened already?

LOLZ. Yes, ugh, sorry, it happens. Hihi.

Okay, here you go now.

Apparently, what happened is... it happened couple of hours ago, so it’s was. Haha. What happened was, I found out what went wrong with this account why I couldn’t log in last year, when I was trying to open my account and get to post something as a year ender kinda thing. With that said, what I am just trying to convey with this post is that, there’ll be no new site anymore that will be made. Yayy! Because first of all, truly, that sucks since even if admittedly most of my posts here way back have so many errors (grammatically speaking or what not), it’s still saddening to be away from them. So, here we are, back at it again! Which HOPEFULLY, your host will be continuously, actively, be at it again. 

I’ve always believed that there’s reason to everything that’s happening. And you know what makes me keep on going in spite of knowing that? It’s that I always choose the best realistically optimistic possible reason why something like this or like that is happening. I hope you would as well! Because believe it or not, it’s always better to wake up hopeful than full of dread upon starting your day.

vivre la vie au maximum!

infinities x wormholes (FINALLY!)

FEBRUARY 06, 2017 – 08:09 PM // Monday

Okay, it’s now 08:23 pm. LOL. Pewds and Marzia got me stuck on YT for a while there. They’re too cute. Bro fist if you know them, and double bro fist if you ship them! Hihi. Anyways, we’re here now because I have something to blab about me and Gravity. Yes, this early in the year. Well I was supposed to post a Life Update before writing this, but then I really couldn’t get immense onto writing about the bigger picture yet because all I’m feeling now is the excitement of finally meeting Gravity in person. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click here. And if you have no idea what the latest deal is with us two that I posted an entire blog about, click here. If you want to know what I’ve been feeling now that there’s just 9 days left from the day of his arrival, just continue reading.

To be honest, we’re down to 4 days left now from Gravity’s arrival. There have been stuffs that had occupied me for the past days, okay. And as much as I want to write a coherent and comprehensive post about what I’ve been feeling exactly, I COULDN’T WORD IT OUT. But I’ll try my best just so I could post something and keep a written reminder that I’ve felt this way. I hope you get what I meant there. Bear with me! LOL. And here’s to me getting to post this tonight too! It’s now 05:17 pm of February 11, 2017 – Saturday.

Now let’s start reminiscing the feeling I felt when I first let myself accept the fact that I like a person that is living thousands of miles away from me. The following italized paragraphs came from my first ever blog post about us that I put out here.

E-dating is new to me but why not, right? Like and glad might develop to love and happy. I’m not sure how it works, how it should go. Do I have the right to do this or that? Do I have to be like this or that? Even the thing like, do I have to expect this or that? I’m really not sure. Does it work like how it works with dating normally? Is it considered a romantic relationship? I don’t really know. All I know.. I mean, actually I’m sure of it that gravity’s having its way to me already. And whatever are statistics and probability of falling in love with a short period of time, it is still falling all the same. Experts may say, ‘yow it’s not falling in love, it’s being infatuated’ and yeah maybe these dudes and dudettes are right, I can give them that. But yow give me a shot here to try this out. This could be not just an infatuation and prove you wrong.

He makes me happy and I don’t know what more he could make me feel. I am happy and he could make me feel something, that’s the point there. Risks are worth taking when they make you happy. I just hope I make this person happy, too, cause I know, like me, he’s also taking a risk here.

This is the last part of the post that I put out here back on March 16, 2015. It honestly feels like it’s been forever since I posted this, but at the same it does feel like it just happened yesterday sometimes. I mean, Long Distance Relationship never gets easy even though the couple have figured out already how to make their relationship work despite the distance and time difference. You know why? Well, here’s an excerpt from my second blog post about us. This was written by updating monthly of what had been happening with us, because we’ve tried to be in a relationship again. When we started E-dating back in March 2015, I called it off after a month because I wasn’t liking what I was feeling while in the relationship. It didn’t feel right for some reason. We didn’t cut our communication despite everything though, I just realized that NO, I WON’T COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE. Neither did he that’s why we had to call it off and decided to just continue talking, being each other’s friend for a couple of months. It’s been 18 months now after that few months of break and here we are, still together and finally meeting in a couple of days. How we make it work? Okay I’ll let you read now the excerpt from the second blog I posted about us to simply explain the ‘how’.

Is it still hard? Yes, it is. Am I okay with it? Yes I am. Why? Because I know all the touch itching, mind blowing, heart pounding, clenching, stomach twisting and what more poetic turbulence my body does because of this feelings I have for him is all worth it.

I came to realize, there’s really nothing wrong with being in a long distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with trusting. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. There’s nothing wrong with getting hurt. Because you know, there’s nothing wrong with loving a person. You know what I think is wrong? It’s not giving the person a chance to prove that he/she can do everything for you to make you happy despite the distance. It’s that fact of not allowing the person to be the right one because you assumed ahead that it wouldn’t work out.

I just proved for the past month that in a relationship, two people work together. It doesn’t have to be just because he’s the man, he should be the stronger of the two; it should be the both of you willing to be the strength of the other when he/she is feeling down, or just you know losing it, losing the image of why both of you are in a relationship in the first place. Because the two of you wouldn’t be in it if either of you didn’t have the strength and will to commit to begin with, and to make things work.  

 This was posted last December 19, 2015. After I posted this blog post, everything went smoothly fine. Of course, there were the highs and the lows. There were times that we talked endlessly and almost every day (actually since October I think (?) of 2016, we regularly talk like every single day already which weirded me out for quite some time because I got used to us not talking all the time), yet there were also times when we skip a day or two of not talking because we don’t feel like to and had to have our solitude (it still happens but not through us having to think about it like that ourselves anymore because we now tell the other that, for example I don’t feel like talking or something came up like health issues or just something unavoidable that I have to handle first, I do always tell him now about it first before going MIA because well, he now does the same thing) and of course arguments wouldn’t be out of the picture. We do argue about things but I guess what’s great about us now is that we don’t end our conversation without meeting in the middle. We argue but through these arguments, we learned how to understand each other better because we always try to understand each other’s points of view if they are not in the same page. Actually, we get to talk sometimes how similar we both are in so many ways but are also different in some aspects. And during this kind of talk that we have like every month is when we get to appreciate each other’s presence in our lives more. Because, isn’t it nice to be reminded that when you’re in doubt about yourself or about something or just with life in general, there could always be that someone you can turn to who will listen and understand you but at the same time tells you what you need to hear and not what you only want to? He’s not just my lover now, he’s also my best friend.

Frankly if we’re just going to talk about us and our relationship, I can say that everything is great. I have nothing to complain about and I’m just simply thankful that God had let me finally know him and live this life with each other in our lives. But of course, there’s always the bigger picture. Our families have approved of our relationship already so there’s no problem with that anymore. What’s sad here is that I’m a Filipina and he’s Canadian. Interracial relationship is supposed to be not a huge deal anymore but here in the Philippines, there’s this stigma that you have to deal with when you’re a Filipina and dating a non-Filipino guy. This bothers me so much because my emotions are sensitive, I’m a very sensitive one even though I might act like I don’t give a damn in person. Things just get easily into my head and I hate when that happens. For one, my insecurities eat me up. And most importantly, is that I could end up not enjoying what I am supposed to enjoy and be happy about. To make it simple, my anxiety gets the better of me.

I’ve actually talked about this with Gravity already and he of course thinks how absurd the stigma is because he of all knows how much I work hard to have my own money. He knows all my goals and why I decide for things to be done in a certain way that he needs to respect and understand. There are things (Nothing nasty alright? I know how Filipino brains work so spare me with any BS) that he had proposed to me this whole time but I always tell him that I have to get shits done myself first. Of course, I won’t ever turn down a marriage proposal. LOL. Hello? I’m not an idiot, I just want my dignity and principles intact. I love him and I would love to spend the rest of life with this man. Just not anytime soon though. BUT SOON.

You know what? There are so many things that I’d still want talk about here. The struggle of always getting questions like “Pinapadalahan ka niya?”, “Paano mo inakit?”, “Anong pinapakita mo?” and lately the most frequent question I get, “Bakit ikaw gagastos?” LOL. Yes, I do get questions like these and even those knowing looks because they knew I’m dating a “foreigner”. It becomes annoying, even irritating and frustrating in some way to be honest. But then again, both of us (and some people that are very close to us) know anyway how things really are going between the two of us. So just thinking about the fact that he accepts me despite my physical disability, he understands all my principles in life, he supports me with all my goals and passions and you know just knowing every day that he chooses me—all the negative feeling just fades away. And yes, you can call it LOVE now if you’re not sceptical about us anymore.

ADVANCE HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE! ♡

Thank you, 2018. NEXT!

Ari, I’m sorry. Just trying to be punny there.

Peace y’all! Hope that didn’t get to shoo you away from reading this entry. Bear with me, please. I just really suck when it comes to my intros. Now let’s move on, eh? NAKA MOVE ON NGA AKO EH, kayo pa kaya?

Kirsten, ENOUGH.

K, let’s do this 😊

This entry will be full-packed of stories, facts and reflections from how this year had been. You know why? Well, I may not have been updating that much on my social media accounts anymore of all the things that have had happened this past year, but I swear to G! This year has probably been the MOST EVENTFUL year that I’ve had thus far. Of course, when I suffered from that ruptured AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation) in my brain and tried to recover from it on the years 2013-2014 will never be irreplaceable on being a major turning point in my life. However, if we’ll talk about on actually living life, 2018 has been one heck of a kind of roller coaster ride, living life to the fullest and a fckload of growing up.

So, let’s start. Shall we?

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye

PS: I know I didn’t talk about some other stuff that you might be expecting I would talk about. I will. I will, okay? Just saving it for a different entry, just so I’d be motivated to use my laptop and start writing my thoughts out again, than bottling them up and just forcing myself to not mind them that much because it would just be too much. So, just STAY TUNED, I guess. And do come back again, if you’re a new visitor. Have a happy New Year! 😊

infinities x wormholes (what’s beyond?)

It’s almost June, eh? And I just decided to write now about this event of my life that happened 3 months ago. Sorry, okay? I thought it would be easy to sit down and write everything that I was feeling right after he left. Apparently, it’s not that easy. One thing’s sure though, I am very excited of what’s more there beyond, now that we’ve finally got to meet each other.

Now that you’re reading this part, it means you’re interested to know more, yeah? I guess, it’ll be perfect to have some story time on how we met and how this relationship all started. If you’re a regular reader, you would know how rocky this had been. Not that it’s worth a drama series kind of rocky road though, it wasn’t just that smooth of a ride. Anyhow, if you came from Instagram and just read my blog for the first time from a link there, welcome to Lifenigma and this is how I met Gravity…

Yes, his name here is Gravity, and if you know his real name then just keep it to yourself. I know it, you know it, that’s enough. But here, he is Gravity. Why the nickname? Because no matter how cliché it may sound he has this kind of pull that kept the broken parts of myself that I fixed in their right places intact and together. And I guess, the most important thing that he does is keeping me grounded. When life knocked me down, I’ve kept myself busy learning, no matter what and how, I fed myself with knowledge and wisdom that I never thought I’d ever learn nor stumble upon if 2013 summer shits didn’t happen. Anyway, because of all these new found knowledge, my confidence also shoot up and thanks to him, there are things that I still learned about being responsible with the power of knowledge that I gained. If I even made sense there. LOL.

Gravity always tell me how lucky he is to have found me but quite frankly, it may not seem that I feel so lucky and thankful that I’ve found him too, but I am since that night I replied to him and continued our conversation up until now that I am writing this. And I’m sure that I’ll always be for the rest of my life.

Okay I won’t take this any longer, here’s how we met and knew each other. If you already know the story, I guess it’s just up to you now if you would still read what I’ll be sharing on here. I’m sure I’ve been so cryptic on my first post about us and how on earth we knew each other, it was all just about how I was feeling because I was starting to like him and all those jazz. Read it here if you want to know how cringey I was then. LMAO. In total, I’ve only posted 3 full blog posts (excluding this one) that’s just talking about Gravity and I. So, how did we really meet?

It’s kind of typical, I think? How would a Filipina get to meet a Canadian other than the stereotypical working in a bar? Meeting them on the internet. Yes, and that’s how we met. Do you know Omegle? If yes, then high five! If not, it’s a website where you can talk to anyone and both of you will be totally strangers. You won’t be able to choose who you would get to talk to because the site will be the one to pick a stranger for you. What you can only do there to control who you would be able to talk to is to put your interests or what topics you would want to talk about that moment then the site will look for a random stranger with the same interests for you. For me, it’s actually a nice site especially if you just want someone to talk to because you can fake your name and every personal shit about yourself if you want to. Best thing? You won’t need an account, so you won’t have a username or some shit like that, all you have to do is go to the site of Omegle and boom you can choose if you want to talk with certain topics you want to talk about or if you want to video chat some stranger, it’s all up to you. I almost forgot, there’s also an option if you just want to talk through pure chat or through a video chat. So that’s where we met.

Now of course you would want to know specifics…

Text or Video? Text. Duh, I was just bored and I wanted someone to talk to that time. He knows this so yeah, no big deal. :P

Interests/Topics I put? Books and Music. What topic did we match? Music.

Did we introduced ourselves ahead with our real name? Nope. Age? Nope. Location? And NOPE.

How long did our conversation on Omegle last? About an hour or so I think. I’m sure though that it’s quite long. And it was my first time to talk to someone with so much sense that we actually lasted so long talking without having to pause and think for another topic or something to make the conversation longer.

First, I don’t think we actually talked about music so much before our main topic got so long that we just clicked, I think? What’s the main topic? Political views, I guess if I can remember it right. LOL. I’ll ask him once he got to read this and if he can remember and it wasn’t our political views then I’ll just edit this part to the right one. Hehe. Second, yes, we didn’t introduce ourselves with our true identity on Omegle. Why? Simple, it’s not safe and after all it was just a past time. And apparently, we were just doing the same thing hence we both didn’t give our true name, age and location to each other. Now if you would ask how we knew we’re both lying to each other with all those things? It was when we were already exchanging our Skype usernames. And that’s how it all started.

Since that night (March 9, 2015), we just continued on talking, sharing different knowledge that we both have to each other. I must say that we aren’t really into the same things, but somehow, day after day, we’re like piecing every puzzle piece together and they fit in just right.

I know you’ll be curious when did he get to see me? It took a whole week for me to do that I think? I was shy, okay? My face was full of acne those times and my hair was growing from my very short bob cut. But yeah, when we started talking on Skype, I already saw his face. He had this luscious long brown hair looking so cute that the people in the house gushed how he looked like Leonardo De Caprio for some reason. Yes, I know, they’re overreacting. LOL. I did tell him though that I never saw him that way. However he was indeed really cute, that’s for sure. I still even have copies of print screens of how he looked like those time.

Okay, let’s move on. Story time is over or this will be a whole novel of just me talking about our early days. Haha.  

So, before Gravity’s arrival I’ve posted 2 full blogs about us after the very first entry. One was when we got back together, and if you want to know more about that, you can read that here. And the most recent was my feelings and whatnot about him finally visiting me and if you want to read about that, you can check it out here. Now, how do I feel that I finally met him in person and spent time with him?

I’m thankful.

That’s how I can only sum it all up unpoetically. You know, it wasn’t just happy. It wasn’t just nerve wracking. It wasn’t just scary. And definitely not an experience I’d ever regret. It was everything that I have expected to feel like because that’s how a normal relationship should go. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, that’s for sure. We argued for a couple of times. But that’s normal. As I said, we’re two different individuals hence we have two different opinions at some point that’s why it needed to be discussed upon. You know, weighing our differences and for me that experience was actually a great thing. During the moment, of course I was nervous, I was scared even at some point but eventually when I already got to tell him my side, everything just goes back to being okay and we’ll be on the same page again. I always say this on Twitter and I think it’s time to say it here now since I’m very sure of it already.

COMMUNICATION is the most important factor of any kind of relationship. And while communicating is a must, we should also know how to APPRECIATE. Even the simplest things like giving compliments or simply giving time and effort to message each other. It really goes a long way. COMMUNICATE and APPRECIATE, for me these are the key ingredients to make a relationship work, especially with Long Distance Relationship. Because I know for a fact how easy it is to think of all the what ifs when you don’t get a message or if your partner feels like getting cold on you, oh God knows how easy it is to just get pissed off and be done on handling those kind of treatments especially for girls when our hormones are fucking with our emotions. I think it’s already a common thing to talk about mood swings of girls when they have their period, but I don’t think it’s been talked enough how girls have these bitches in their heads no matter how much they don’t want them messing in there about paranoia and trust issues. It’s weird and wicked and sad but it’s true that it’s in girl’s nature to just easily think of the worse plausible scenario when things are not going the way they want it to be. And honestly, dealing with those bitches in my head is what has been giving me a hard time on being in a Long Distance Relationship. After Gravity’s visit, it became harder to just brush them off in my head when they started kicking in. Hence, I remind myself every single day how important it is to just communicate with him especially during the times when something is really bothering me. He listens and talks to me about it with what he really thinks of what I told him, and for me, that’s worth loads of appreciation because it means both of you are working things out. Being in a relationship is a two seater ride after all where both of you are the navigators that have to be teaming up to reach the destination you both planned on going.

Did I just sound preachy there? I hope not. But yeah, it would be nice though if I actually made sense with what I just said. I mean, our relationship is not perfect but we’re working it out perfectly in my opinion. It’s always nice to wake up every morning with something to look forward to because you know that there’s so much more and you’ll be there when it’s time. Also it’s a wonderful feeling that the word IF is barely being used anymore because most of them have been replaced to WHEN already. :)

By the way if you are here because of The Right Man Will Love Everything the Wrong Man Walked Away From by Rania Naim via @thoughtcatalog — it is linked on the title, just click on it and you’ll be redirected to its page. Sorry if I let you read my love story and all my probably unwanted opinion about relationships, Long Distance relationships at that. But I do hope you enjoyed what you’ve read though. 

Always remember, love is precious. And being in a relationship may not be easy at times but it’s simple. That’s just for me anyway because that’s what I always say to myself even in terms of living life in general.

LIFE UPDATE: Year, Two Thousand Seventeen

What a year it has been already. It is now April 5th (in my notes on my phone) but actually I’m encoding this now using my laptop on the 7th of April. The first three months have indeed flew by so fast. Well, technically, not that fast but basically by just how things have felt, day after day slipping by my fingers for the past months, it surely did feel like it.

Actually it’s now 28th of April that I’m continuing this. Things have had happened and they all felt like they weren’t in my control. That was probably why I’ve been feeling like I couldn’t keep up with everything and get that time to sit and write down my thoughts about the things that have happened so far. It was a lot but let me try now, in this post to tell it all in a form of explanation yet also thoroughly constructed blog.

It honestly started last year when the job that I had where I was getting my income those days. It wasn’t really a job I must say. I just got lucky I guess? I found this group’s post on Facebook last year that says I could get $25 per week without doing anything. All I have to do was have a Facebook account. Which I obviously have. It wasn’t illegal by the way, and I seriously didn’t do anything anymore after they’ve set up what they needed on my account. I indeed got $15 instantly after the set up and another 15 after the second step then the weekly $25 came by for around 4 weeks. On the last week that I got $25, it was the week that I got this interview for the job that my aunt told me about wherein I did apply for. If you want to know more about that experience, you can read that here. So with that at hand during that week, I didn’t get to go online that much to check my e-mails and such hence I’ve read the e-mail of that group to me on a Friday which was their last working day. I contacted them ahead after knowing that there was a problem. We tried solving it, but I was too late, Facebook had blocked the only thing that was giving me some money those times that came from me, from my own perseverance to earn. I was so pissed off that time because it wasn’t even illegal, it wasn’t something that could make the users of Facebook feel bad or something. It was just pure business. But of course Facebook has its way to fuck up others so they said it’s for my account’s safety. How will I argue with that? So that happened, and to make it worse, the company who told me that they would still give me a job even if I wouldn’t pass the recording, didn’t contact me anymore. Not even a text or just e-mail that says, SORRY I WAS JUST LYING. Just kidding, but you know what I’m talking about. It’s not like that company was huge anyway.

Sooooo there’s that.

Those happened during the latter months of September and early weeks of October 2016. If those didn’t happen, those times would’ve been the times that I’d be so hyped with anything already since the Christmas season was just around the corner. But then again, I guess that was the trigger of me going back to my depressed state again. Oh and before I forgot, I also had a seizure attack before all of those happened. So the dosage of meds that I needed to take went higher. My anxiety wasn’t on its worse state after the seizure attack because I’m sure it was because I was proving to everybody that I was fine. That I was good, I was okay, I could have a job despite my condition, I just needed to discipline myself and take my meds on time. And yet after the seizure, the optimism in me started to get eaten up by my anxiety because of the things that have had been happening with the jobs that I thought would let me get to help my father to finance the list of medicine that I need. Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder started to get more noticeable for me because I know them, I’ve read about them. With that in my mind, my anxiety just got more into me until I said to my aunt that I was living with those times that maybe it would be better if I’ll just stay at Sta. Monica (where my father and some relatives on my father side live) since I couldn’t take the guilt too already that she still had to think of me also every time she goes out of the house. I didn’t tell her that though. To make it simple, the family that I was staying with at the city had trauma too after my attack because it happened inside the C.R. when I was alone taking a dump so obviously the door would be locked. I got to shout before I got unconscious that’s why my aunt’s mom (who was luckily there when it happened) got to hear me and tried her best to open the door because I wasn’t responding already. Couldn’t blame them though. Long story short, I went back to Sta. Monica just to make sure there’d be people that will be around to look after me no matter what happens. Still sucks, but can’t do anything about it since my anxiety is still there in my head, making my insomnia worse. Speaking of anxiety, when I went back here in Sta. Monica, I thought I’d be fine already. I’d feel safer, hence the anxiety attacks I had (which were like one of the worse times of my life) scared the hell out of me that I had to ask my father if we could ask my neuro doctor already for sleeping pills or something. Because the first severe anxiety attack I had when I went back here, I had to wake my cousin (we sleep in the same room) up in the middle of the night because I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t breathe properly and I just couldn’t feel my body at all anymore. She had to wake up our aunts and my father to ask what to do. And when I saw them, I just cried and cried and cried and yeah. It’s just the worse feeling ever. I have two types of meds now that I’m taking to prevent them and also to make me sleep faster and better. It helps, yes. But with the sleeping part, mostly not.

Dealing with my health happened that’s why I got really spaced out from looking for a time to sit, write a blog and post on here. And while those were all happening from November to January, one of my cousins decided to get married on December (which I also helped out to organize; I did some stuff for her bachelorette party and their invitation for the wedding), my grandmother (mom’s side) decided to spend her Christmas here in the Philippines and to top all of that, Gravity confirmed his visit here on February (you all know that by now if you’re updated on my Instagram or if you’ve read this blog post). Before we all forget though, I had my dreamtag last year which was visiting cafés. So the pending posts of my reviews for the cafés I visited before all those things happened were also in my mind. Little by little, I was adding parts of the dreamtag blogs that I did get to post in a span of 6 months. I think, I only got to write that very short blog about Gravity visiting me was only because I really want to keep a memory of what I was really feeling before I meet him in person. I’m glad that I got to do it actually even though it was one heck of a time. I was seriously struggling to finish that blog because I couldn’t really focus much — anxiety was a bitch, still is for me.

Christmas was fine. I got photos posted during those times on my Facebook and also some on Instagram. I was seriously not in a festive mode during the holidays that’s for sure. I did try to have fun though. As much as I could. Oh and how life loves mocking me, guess what happened on New Year? I got high fever right before we had to go to the church and do the pre-celebration party. There I was, had to stay behind to snuggle in a blanket, shivering and trying not to get everyone worried when I was having an anxiety attack. I called my father up to the room to get me my pills for anxiety though. The rest of January went by too fast because of Gravity’s visit. I think I’ve spent most of my time, if not getting rid of my anxiety, finishing my last dreamtag blog post and writing down what I’ve been feeling while counting down the days until Gravity’s arrival, I was just being depressed.

Depression fades (it doesn’t entirely goes away, it just fades) from me feeling it when I try hard to put myself out there and do something productive. They helped a lot. Seriously a lot, especially last year when I started my dreamtag. But then it just started coming back when I stopped visiting cafés. You know those times when you can tell by your mind that you’re just thinking that you should be happy because some great things are happening in your life but then if you’re done making every one think that you’re happy, you just feel nothing. It was that way. It still is to be honest but I guess I know the way now how to feel productive again and you know, beat the feeling of depression again. I’ve been exercising since late last year. Like my regular therapy-like exercises plus some workout routines to strengthen my body. To be honest, when I don’t get sweaty in a day because of not exercising, I do really feel awful. So yes, that’s the solution to that. For now or for a lifetime since working out is a lifestyle after all.

Now that that problem’s solved... Okay folks, let’s just be clear here. It isn’t just that easy, please understand that. It takes your own willingness to feel better to have that. You see, I guess my first paragraph above is proof enough of that. I wasn’t really sure what to write during those two dates that I first tried. Okay, you know, to be honest, I’ve tried countless times to start writing again. But I just got that fire today. And it’s not even the 28th anymore because it’s now 12:35 am. Yes it’s late. Will I end writing this tonight before I go to bed? Hmm maybe my 2016 self would. But my 2017 self is trying to be healthy and strong so I’ll just continue this later when I wake up.

04-29-17 // 10:01 pm

Yes, I write this late hence I can’t finish a blog in one sitting. I think I have to fix my mind’s schedule now. Anyway, so let’s continue?

This part will be a lighter read already. All my plans and all good things will be on this part of the blog…

First off, I went back to my sane self for quite a bit on early days of January and wrote down stuff that I have to get done this year. Numero uno on that list was to try my best on getting my laptop fixed and it was because I knew that I need to write again. This blog isn’t just because I want to be like those known bloggers out there after all. NO. Definitely not. I think I’ve said this on here countless times already that this blog is my outlet. This is like my diary. I know I don’t have regular readers, but writing my thoughts and putting all of it out here helps me a lot to feel good and complete. I need my solitude and writing. This time that I get to have so I could write my thoughts out, I wouldn’t trade this for all the updated vlogs that I could watch in my subscription list on Youtube.

Speaking of Youtube, I’ve been hooked on watching vlogs already. I think it all started when I checked Laureen Uy’s Youtube Channel last year then after that, I came across a video on Instagram which was very funny and it was a clip from one of the videos of Liza Koshy on Youtube. Because of those two women, I decided to search and learn the ins and outs about the site. Hence I made an account on Youtube and that’s so I could subscribe to these women’s channels and be updated with their videos. From that moment, the people that I am subscribed to just kept on growing day after day.

Then out of the blue after watching the vlogs of Wil Dasovich, Daniel Marsh, Casey Neistat and Pewdiepie for over a month every day, I was like ‘What if I’ll just vlog? It’ll be much easier than writing all these words out of my head?’ Well obviously, that thought didn’t work out. I still like the idea though and some of my friends back in high school know how much I love recording videos and editing them to make them this one piece of film to remember the good times. I’d still do it somehow though but I wouldn’t pressure myself on it anymore. I know for a fact anyway that I have a passion on it, I just have to prioritize some things as of the moment. And blogging is what I need now more than ever.

I public have playlists on there though. You can just check them out for now.

With that said, I actually have numbers of titles here on my drafts already for the next couple of blogs that will be up soon. So be excited for those if you’ve reached reading up to here. The blog about my thoughts of finally meeting Gravity will probably be up next after this. Then a different blog will be up for all the plans that I have for this year. Yes, I decided that that will be on a separate blog post already. And of course, the 2017 Dreamtag, we should not forget about that. And if time and fate would allow it, there will might be a surprise soon. Who knows? Life is full of surprises after all.

I’ll just end this post right here, I guess? :)

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!                          ~Kaye

#LifenigmaCafé Vol. 8 – Ohmar’s Cheesecake and Coffee

October 7, 2016 – it was raining that afternoon I planned on visiting this cute café two blocks away from the apartment where I was staying at during those times.

Again, just like the 7th volume of this dreamtag, this post has been long overdue since it’s been almost 3 months from the time I visited the place. Today that I am constructing this, we’re already on the last full week of January 2017; sorry about that. I promise, this will be the last overdue blog post for a dreamtag this year. After all, this will be the last volume for #LifenigmaCafé anyway. :)

If you want to read a glimpse of why I didn’t get to post this last year, click here. Now let’s proceed to the main purpose of this post…

Ohmar’s Cheesecake has been known in Olongapo for quite some time already before it had its physical store. Actually, one of my cousins only told me about this when I went to their house and asked if I was still looking for a café to visit for my blog. But when she first told me about it, I was planning to visit other cafés already so I haven’t got to check it ahead. Thinking about it now, I guess that wasn’t so bad for me to do back then, you know. Because if I had checked it the first time my cousin suggested it, the physical store wouldn’t have been operating yet hence it’ll just end the same way—me looking for a different café to visit. However, after going to Hugot Burger last year on September, the same cousin of mine suggested again this place. Thus, I said Okay, give me a link so I can look ahead of what this café is all about. Of course I’ll have to do that first so I would know what I can write about, what I should expect or you know, just to make sure that it has something different with it from the places I’ve visited before.

Once I’ve had looked through Ohmar’s facebook page, I instantly decided that it should be my last volume because they’re pretty known already so I thought that it’ll be easier to write something about it because I thought they would prove all the reviews right anyway. Other than that, I loved how they have a tag line and it was a great one. Right there and then it was fixed, I told my cousin who suggested it that we’ll visit the place, and I’ll just call her when that would be. But it hadn’t even been after a week yet of my confirmation to my cousin, I’ve had been seeing my friends from Olongapo posting about it already. It was booming so much that I was just like, oh fuck it, I’ll just go and blog about it already while it’s still hot on trend. Because duh? It might gain me readers, you know. I wanted that to happen during those days because the previous establishments I’ve visited had noticed me and was inviting me and all that to their expansion day or something like when they have something new in their menu. That was pretty crazy and it was fun, okay? So I just went with it. Strike while the iron is hot, right?

I told my cousin we’ll go on Friday if she’s free that day because I sent a message to Ohmar’s page already before deciding for a day to go. I asked what would be the ideal time to go when there wouldn’t be much customers yet. I love my solitary moments, alright? LOL. Okay, going back. They replied ahead—very responsive so that’s a plus point! They told me that it should be by morning when they’ve just opened for the day. When they told me that it should be that early, I realized shit would they be available that early? I asked one more cousin of mine to go with us so that was the dilemma so I told them about it and asked what day would they be available that kind of time. So that’s where the Friday came up. So, did I go early?

I did not do just that. LOL. Of course, the procrastinator that is me thought it’s okay, it’ll be fine, it’ll work if we will go by afternoon. Okay, but can I just give that it was raining endlessly that day as an excuse? No? Okay, whatever. Haha. But yeah, that’s what happened. It wasn’t so packed with customers, though so it still worked when we got there. I got to take decent photos at least without other people ruining the view (lol sorry, that’s so mean of me). What got me a bit shy (and so very conscious) was when I told them that I was the one who messaged them, about having to take photos hence asked the time when people are less. Because since then, Miss Daisy and Sir Ohmar told me that they were waiting for me and told me the story of how they assumed one customer for me because that person came early. Oh gosh, that was such a facepalm-ing moment. What’s more embarrassing there was that, I planned to bring a DSLR camera that day but I ended up taking pictures using my phone (it’s only iPhone 5s so I’m sorry with the photos’ quality) because my cousin (the son of my uncle who owns the camera I was supposed to use) decided to use it on the same day. So you know, it was just soo awkward and weird, and so embarrassing taking pictures with strangers around looking at you adjusting, taking photos when I was just using a phone. You know that thinking of people nowadays when you want an aesthetic shot of your photos, they’d instantly comment with “ayy blogger” like can’t they just shut up and mind their own business by not looking my way. LOL kidding. But yeah, somehow that’s how I felt.

These are the lovely couple who owns Ohmar’s Cheesecake and Coffee, Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Ohmar Garcia.

I guess that was too much blabs pre-tasting what’s on their menu. Now let’s move on to what we ordered, shall we?

DISCLAIMER: I haven’t had faced my peculiar intolerance for cheese that day yet, so I wouldn’t really go in depth commenting with how their cheesecakes are, okay? Although of course before I even went to this place I’ve loved Blueberry Cheesecake already because (who doesn’t in the first place? Lol) we’ve been making it at home so that’s the only taste of cheesecake I know. Alright? And again, I must remind you, I am not a professional blogger, so don’t think I’m a food blogger. I just explore, discover and blog the things I want to share about my experiences in life. Okay? Are we clear here now? If you get what this disclaimer meant already, you can now continue reading. :)

Cheesecake ala Mode – Php 100.00

This is probably my favorite because it has 2 scoops of ice cream on it. I mean, yeah, okay the other cheesecakes didn’t taste bad, but this one really stood out. I wouldn’t ever complain for its price. I honestly couldn’t say anything more because everything in this place balanced each other out. 

Yema Cheesecake (miniature) – Php 50. 00

If you’ve been reading the #LifenigmaCafe tag from the beginning, you’d know that I am not really into sweets that much. Unless of course if I am in the mood to feed my diabetic genes and risk my body to the possibility of me having diabetes. Living life gets tiring for me sometimes, yes, I won’t deny that. But I am passionate about living life and proving the entire world that whatever life throws at me, I’ll make it through to the next day. So, I still watch my health as much as possible. We all have to in the first place. So yes, this cheesecake was okay. Nothing really tasted bad. It’s just I wasn’t really into sweets that time, plus well, there was a grated cheese on top so that was kinda… my cousins liked it though so I guess that says something more than how my irritating picky taste buds reacted.

Blueberry and Oreo Cheesecakes (miniature) – Php 50.00/each

I bought these to bring home for my cousins and aunt that I lived with that time at the apartment. They loved it, they actually visit the store from time to time now when they get the cravings for cheesecake since it’s just two blocks away. One thing I like about this is there packaging for the take-outs. I’d say it’s bad for the environment since it’s plastic (gotta take care of mother nature you know) but then I couldn’t really think of a better alternative for it. Probably a carton pack would do? But either way, since I still couldn’t think of a better stuff to suggest about that as of the moment, I’d say that I was impressed with the take-out box because they made it so handy for their customers to bring home. So kudos to that!

Mixed Berries – Php 110.00

I loved this so much. If I ever go back to the place, I’d still probably get this and partner it with some lightweight cheesecake. The flavors of the berries are just so on point. If I wasn’t already full from tasting everything we ordered I would definitely have had emptied my bowl too. That’s one thing I loved about it actually! They put it in a bowl. It’s unique, you’ll know it’s a different type of beverage because it was put in a different container.

I ordered 3 different things for our beverages. Only my order is all I could remember the name of so just click here for their full menu. Actually I just figured that the photo I linked through the phrase on the previous sentence for the menu board don’t show their entire menu so if you want to know the prices and all, just head onto their FB page and message them there. The two photos above are the ones that I couldn’t remember the name of. Sadly I also forgot where I’ve put the receipt I asked from them so I couldn’t really figure out what the names of those are. My cousins loved them though.

We didn’t get to empty everything out (aside from the cheesecake ala mode because I destroyed that, I can’t not do it, it was amazing) maybe because all we ordered were very sweet and they all didn’t balance much. Maybe if we ordered hot coffee too instead of all lattes and a shake, there’ll be a possibility that we’d get them all done. Besides, it was also raining that time so it’s kind of weird to be honest to eat and drink all we’ve got. If it wasn’t for all those excuses, we’d surely get them all cleanly finished. They all tasted great, their serving were great too. There’s really nothing bad that I can say with what they offer from the kitchen. I’d very much want to try their hot coffee though. I’d probably go there with Gravity on Februaury because yayy we’ll finally get to see each other in person and it’ll be on the love month. And I mean, where else should I bring him at, right? Of course I’d love to drink coffee and eat sweets in an establishment that promotes love more than anywhere else.

The atmosphere inside the place was superb too, though. But I don’t think it would be the same if the place was packed. I’m just glad that when we went there, it wasn’t that packed with people, or else I’d probably have a bad review about it. Speaking of the things I didn’t very much appreciate about the place, it’s probably the chairs. I mean, alright, don’t come at me, okay? The interior design was outstanding! No doubt about that. I love the quotes on the walls. It was well matched with the theme they’re going at. I love the color combination. The lighting was great too but having more natural lighting would’ve been much better, nonetheless everything is great. It’s just, this is only for me, okay? In my perspective, I don’t think I could be comfortable sitting alone in that place. Especially because you wouldn’t get to lean your back when using their chairs. The high chairs were cool, yeah. But if you would want to read a book or do something on your laptop there, the chairs won’t add up for anyone to be comfortable. Ohmar’s Cheesecake can compete against Starbucks and Coffee Bean, okay. That’s all I wanted to say. They could be that big. But those store have so much comfortable ambiance, even the new Seattle’s Best in SM has the same ambiance. And with almost the same prices of products to offer? If I am a consumer, especially for someone like me that could spend hours in a café reading a book while ordering stuffs once I finished my initial order, even though I love what Ohmar’s can offer me than those mainstream cafes could I’d probably still choose to go to them because I can do anything I want and stay as much as I want there even though they get packed with people. You know why? It’s because I am comfortable, I wouldn’t get anxious about the people waiting for me to get off of my seat. That’s the only problem I have with Ohmar’s Cheesecake, I guess. But if they get that all worked out. It’ll be haven of love.

This is their tagline that I was talking about up there n the first part. Isn’t it great? 

I decided to finish writing and post the last two cafe reviews from where I went to last year for my dreamtag because of this place’s tagline. I love living life, I love experiencing things and share them to other people through this personal blog of mine, and when I saw my post on Instagram from the day I went here while browsing through my profile, I remembered why I started my dreamtag. And this is what I love more than anything else about Ohmar’s, their tagline reflects from the couple. Once you are in the store and you get to talk to these two, you’d feel the love of them for each other radiating and you wouldn’t get to help but feel giddy for them and be like, “ Oooh they’re so lovely” and you know, just believe that what you are going to get from them are really made with love. And I think that’s the best thing about Ohmar’s Cheesecake. It’s not just business for them, it’s shows you that it’s their passion. 

As I said on my post last year on Instagram when I went here: Even on a rainy day, a dream will still be a dream if you do everything for it to come true. 

So just go for what you want to do in life, never give up. Setbacks are normal, but you just have to keep on going. 

Keep enjoying small grabs, and making big memories!

    ~Kaye