ah yes, artemis fowl books

the little shit bastard boy

the daddy issues incident

the your actions have consequences code

the remember this bitch deception

the some guy named piss colony

the little shit bastard boy two electric boogaloo paradox

the little shit bastard boy's dissociative complex

the little shit bastard boy's future existential crisis

“I remember now, you saved me!”

Butler was torn. His duty was to protect Artemis, not Minerva, but through years of working with Artemis and, indeed Holly, he had unconsciously adopted the role of general protector. Whenever somebody was in danger, he helped them to get out of it.

Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony - Eoin Colfer

We Haven't Technically Come Full Circle Yet, But This Is Where You Know We're Going To

Ok, so even for the most die hard Artemis Fowl fans, this tends to be the book where they say the story and/or the worldbuilding goes off the rails. I am not that Artemis Fowl fan, and it wasn't until the relisten (my hardcovers are in Dad's Basement in Alaska, so lately I've been audiobooking this series) that I really understood why I wasn't as thrown by the seemingly sudden shift as everyone else was. And it's a subtle cue, but it's one that I think actually works. So let's talk Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony.

*SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS*

The first Artemis Fowl book begins with Artemis and Butler sweating half to death in Ho Chi Minh City trying to buy a lead to a Fairy. It's an opening that tells us we are going to deal with heists, kidnapping, and Artemis being very much the bad guy. It gives us the genre we are going to be working in, and that's basically crime fiction, with Artemis learning not to be a complete dickhead as the character arc. We get that and it basically finishes out with The Opal Deception.

The beginning of The Lost Colony mirrors the beginning of that first book. It starts with Artemis and Butler sweating half to death on a sidewalk in Barcelona waiting for a demon to materialize. We as readers are back to--to borrow a phrase from Robert Jordan--if not THE beginning, A beginning. This is where the book tells you that we are revamping the series, and there are even clues that this will be more of a fairy tale than a crime novel. And that there will be a metric fraggle rock ton of time travel, which holds true for all the rest of the Artemis Fowl novels. Time in general is a key theme in the later books, as Artemis himself tells us when he responds to Butler's query about whether the demon is beaming down from space with "Not space, old friend, [...] Time."

We also get the most hilarious self-actualized Artemis-ism on his own puberty in this chapter:

"It's this blasted puberty, Butler. Every time I see a pretty girl, I waste valuable mind space thinking about her. The girl at that restaurant, for instance. I've glanced in her direction a dozen times in the past few minutes."

And aside from being hilarious, this also cues us into the fact that The Lost Colony is a new beginning for Artemis and the series. Our boy finally hit puberty, and he is not the same cold, focused, calculating little asshole we remember from book 1. Everything about this chapter screams "Hey, remember the first book? This ain't that." It cues the reader that this will be something different, something unexpected. I kind of love this symmetrical asymmetry approach to revamping the series.

We also get the fun of watching two geniuses mastermind against each other while learning how to puberty, and honestly I love that Minerva Paradizo exists. She is a nice little nod to the fact that Artemis is really going to be TORN between the human and fairy worlds. As I believe Philippa Boynes said of the end of Return of the King, if you want to make Frodo going with Sam have weight, you have to give him the other choice. And Eoin Colfer is setting Artemis up to HAVE the choice.

As far as our demons and wrlocks go, mostly what I have to say is that No. 1 is a delightful little cinnamon roll and I love him and I want to scritch his little demon horns.

Now. The other massive thing we need to talk about here is the climax of the book, because Artemis high-key just...time travels. And steals magic. But mostly MOTHERFUCKING TIME TRAVELS. And saves Holly's life with math. But again, TIME TRAVELS. At the end of this book, Artemis is yeeted three years into the future, so he is a 14-year-old body with a 25-year-old brain in a temporal location where he is supposed to be 17. It's peak wibbly wobbly timey wimey ball of stuff. Artemis also has one of Holly's eyes and a little spark of magic. Our boy is fully in fairy tale territory here, and this book was structured really brilliantly to transition the readers from middle grade crime fiction to borderline YA fairy tales. And honestly, if you're willing to let criminal mastermind Artemis go and grow with him (or just consider the series as having two distinct halves, as I do), then I don't actually think the series falls apart in the latter half.

Lots of Artemis Fowl fans might disagree with me on this assessment, and that's fine. You can love on the first 3-4 books and just pretend the second half of the series doesn't exist. But I really love the change, and from a purely structural, writer perspective, Eoin Colfer pulled off an IMPRESSIVE AS HELL shift.

The Lost Colony has so many banger characters

Doodah Day, the shellfish smuggling, thrill seeker pixie? BANGER

Minerva Paradiso, the tween genius planning to expose demonkind to the world for a Nobel Prize? BANGER

Commander Vinyaya, the badass leader of Section 8? BANGER

No. 1, the first demon warlock in ten thousand years, who only wants to be safe and find people like him? BANGER

And of course, returning for the fifth book, we have the one and only, the myth, the legend; Mulch Diggums, who spawns new gross dwarf powers every book *chef's kiss*

Eis uma cena do livro 5 🍭

Props to Artemis Fowl. Guy got a crush once, thought “nah I’m too busy for that”, and stopped.

№1 is so op at least in the lost colony Colfer nerfed him by making him, like, 10 years old with no idea what's going on and the self preservation skills of a jelly donut. After that he was just like "for kicks I'm gonna solve the 2 biggest problems from the first book, which coincidentally are the 2 biggest nuisances to all fae everywhere. The ritual is redundant and the law about human dwellings is overturned forever. Thank you thank you I'm here all week. Anyone need any time travel? Bless." Why do the last 3 books exist can't their warlock just Fix The Thing

Out of context Artemis Fowl Quote:

“Then Holly got stabbed, and the plan got a lot more complicated”

- TLC,

You didn’t think we were done, did you?

The Lost Colony introduced our favorite, funny little guy Doodah Day.

Hope you’re ready for a real treat with The Time Paradox.

tu m'énerves 😈

minerva paradizo warm-up doodle 💚✨

her hair is the color of bright beautiful lemons but her curls are not easy peasy lemon-squeezy it's difficult lemon difficult 😅

Random Ming & Javier appreciation post.

I was just cleaning up my folders and found some old edits I created few years ago to feed my thirsty soul. Now that TLC is finally done, I might as well share these here! Ming and Javi are precious beans and must be protected. Let them be happy pls.

If you're not familiar with the dorks, they're from a crossover roleplay 'The Lost Colony' or TLC for shortage. Links down below.

The Lost Colony Playlist TLC Javier Playlist TLC Ming Playlist

Artemis Fowl and Billy Kong both had to get from the same place in France to the same place in Taiwan in the same limited amount of time. It would have been hilarious if they'd ended up on the same commercial flight, seeing each other and being like, 'This is awkward...'

Where Nothing Will Grow: The Devil's Tramping Ground

In North Carolina you will find The Devil's Tramping Ground where it is said that the Devil walks at night and because of it, nothing will ever grow there. It is also connected to the story about Croatan and the Lost Colony of Roanoke Island.

In North Carolina you will find The Devil’s Tramping Ground where it is said that the Devil walks at night and because of it, nothing will ever grow there. It is also connected to the story about Croatan and the Lost Colony of Roanoke Island. In the depths of the Harper’s Crossroads area in Bear Creek, North Carolina, lies a camping spot that has become the epicenter of persistent local…

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I found my OG 2006 copy of TLC lol... I was 12

1972