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likesugarandcyanide · 6 years

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Honey

AN: For the life of me I couldn’t write this in 1000 words or less. May not be the last David piece I write. The next on my to do list is a one shot for Ace Merrill; hope it doesn’t melt my brain.

“Why not ask them? They’re real cute.”

That was an understatement; they were minors. It was obvious to Mia the moment she noticed them – they had a certain inexperience in their stiff movements, like they were afraid of getting caught for staying out too late. She rolled her eyes at her new friends and spun to face them, not concerned about the people she was bumping into as she walked backwards down the boardwalk.

“Trust me, Sara. There are better fish in the sea besides those wet behind the ears brats over there.” Mia smiled. “Bet they wouldn’t even know where to stick it if ya got naked and asked them to fuck ya; no offence Andy.”

Andrew – her date – curled up his nose and flipped Mia off. His friends all teased and laughed at him until Sara brought up her hand and silenced them – the queen bee had spoken.

“What do you suggest then, Mia? We came here to party. Are you going to show us a good time, or do we need to find someone else to do it?” Again, they laughed.

Brats. Mia nearly forgot they were from out of town; students on break. She huffed a sigh of annoyance. “I suggest ya listen to me. This place is a hot spot for tourists, but it’s also pretty dangerous for those who are not from here. Ya go around lookin’ for some fun and ya might just get more than ya asked for.” Ya might just find yerself with more holes to fuck than swiss cheese. Or become the domestic bitch of a Surf Nazi and his lackeys; much to choose from ‘round here.

A variety of bizarre and irrational people inhabited the boardwalk after dark; some harmless and some that even Mia wouldn’t dare cross. She promised the college students a night to remember and she’d be damned if she went back on her word. Her dull green eyes swiftly combed through the busy crowd – her guests needed dates, yet no one really struck her fancy. No one seemed good enough.

Until he surfaced – a platinum blonde that came to the amusement park every night – sauntering from the metal bowls of the radiantly lit roundabout. He was a handsome creature, always dressed in black and always in the company of others. Mia thought he’d be fun to hang with; his friends were an active bunch. She had seen the fat security guard, Ed chase them through the park a couple times. It couldn’t hurt to ask.

“How ‘bout them? The guys near the carousel; mullet and his friends. They’re cute, right?”

Sara took a look – nice catch. “Will they bite though? Looks as though they won’t … guys like them have a certain taste.”

“They’ll bite – trust me.” Mia bobbed her head. “Look at you. Good enough to eat.” She licked her lips to emphasize her point.

The queen bee was satisfied. She sent Mia and one of her own – Lauren – to reel them in. The sassy brunette returned minutes later, dragging Lauren behind her. Sara knew the guys had agreed; both girls were bouncing in glee.

An hour later, the troupe was set up on the beach. Andrew made a fire between them with pieces of dried wood and each of them paired up, resting around the pit like a mass of witches. The loud uproar from the boardwalk was drowned out by the pleasant music playing from the ‘rock box’ laying in the white sand – Paul, the blonde with the teased hair called it that.

So far, it had been a good night.

Mia was buzzed. She took a deep swig from her beer and burst into a fit of laughter; 2nd bottle in. “Don’t tell me … I wanna try again. Almost remembered this time.” She nearly tumbled off Andrew’s lap and would have if not for the tight grip he had on her waist.

The curly haired male – Marko was his name – urged her on, rolling his wrist. He and Paul had been playing a game with her; music trivia. Mia was losing. “Ya get one more try, little sister. Get it wrong and ya have to chug the rest of yer beer.” He laughed as she whined in defeat.

“It’s Love Bites,” Andrew answered for her. “You know; Def Leppard.” Obviously she doesn’t know it. He leaned down and whispered the lyrics in her ear, inciting a shiver from her.

Paul quickly accused her of cheating; Marko agreed. “Ya have to do it. Help is against the rules, so bottoms up.”

Mia whined again. “Do I have to?” She hated the sharp taste of beer; it didn’t exactly slake her thirst, but she couldn’t exactly tell Marko no when he offered her bottle after bottle. Her eyes drifted over to David for the first time that night, blaming the bonfire for the heat she felt as he stared at her. Don’t disappoint me, she imagined him saying. Even with Sara glued to his arm, Mia felt like his attention was on her alone. She smiled and toasted him, tossing back the remainder of her drink. Some of the amber colored liquid trickled down her chin, but Andrew helped her clean it up.

“Bravo,” Marko cheered. He happily took up his date’s limp arms and like a marionette forced her to clap too. Kayla had passed out between his knees in a drunken sleep, ignorant to the world around her.

Mia laughed and faked her best bow, leaning back against Andrew’s chest. His warm scent was almost too much for her. She nuzzled her nose into the crook of his neck and sighed in relief.

“Not bad, Maria. Not bad at all.” David applauded her. The entire group seemed to quieten down. He curled his lips up into a teasing grin. “Have to admit, for out-of-towners you guys have major balls to party with strangers you barely know, considering the rumors coming out of this place.”

“Rumors? You mean the whole ‘murder capital of the world’ thing?” Sasha – the girl with Paul – gave a nervous laugh. She noticed the bold declaration on her way into the city; it was brushed in all capital letters on the flip side of the ‘Welcome to Santa Carla’ sign. Welcome my ass, she remembered thinking. White hot dread burbled in the pit of her stomach, but once the beach came into view, all undesirable thoughts about the sunset colored words faded away. Sasha hadn’t really thought about them until David mentioned it – the fear began to burble in her stomach again.

“No ‘fraid not. He means monsters; things that go bump in the night.” Dwayne, the quiet one voiced.

Lauren thought he may be joking, yet his eyes held no humor in them. In fact, none of the four guys were laughing. She knotted her brows together and shot them a bemused look. “You guys are just trying to get a laugh out of us, right? Scare the out-of-towners.”

“Ignore ‘em. The natives here do this sometimes,” Mia interrupted, rolling her eyes. “They claim Santa Carla is infested with vampires. Every year people go missing and their bodies never turn up, but it’s not true. Vampires don’t exist.” She was beginning to feel uncomfortable – Andrew had tightened his grip on her waist. His skin was pebbled in goosebumps.

“But it’s true. Vampires do exist,” Marko argued. He laid his finger against the thin, pale skin beneath Kayla’s chin. The nail on his pinkie was long and looked razor-sharp in the flickering light of the bonfire. “Keep your eyes here and don’t look away.” No one expected what happened next. Marko slid his nail along the length of her neck; a wet spurt of blood spilled out and ebbed into the v cut of her blouse. Kayla didn’t even wake up. She wheezed, slumped her head, and died.

Andrew’s blood ran cold. His mind couldn’t process the facts; she’s dead. He killed her right in front of you. What will you do, Andy buddy? Panic – that’s what he did. A terrified scream tore from his throat. He nearly tossed Mia from his lap trying to fool his body into believing that he didn’t just witness his friend being wrung like a stuck pig.

The fear was infectious. Lauren lurched forward and vomited on her shoes. The queen herself was speechless; she didn’t feel the icy hands of death on her until it was too late.

“Why? God Why?” Sasha grabbed Paul by the arm; her only relief being one of the four responsible for Kayla’s death. Yet as she took a look at his face, her stomach knotted in repulsion. His lively eyes were sunken in, cheekbones high and bulging from his skin. Paul was a monster – no a vampire. Like a fish, she opened and closed her mouth, unable to form words. The vampire leapt onto her and sank its fanged teeth into the junction of her neck and shoulder. Sasha was knocked backwards onto the sand, but all she could remember before her world went black was the look of fear on Lauren’s face as Dewayne tore her head from her body. There was so much blood.

Across the fire pit Mia was in awe, bound by the limbs around her waist and the fierce yellow eyes that stalked her; David’s beautiful eyes. She noted the amount of blood trickling from his mouth – the honey bee no doubt – splashed across his human face and in his blonde hair. It brought more questions than fear; a tinge of arousal that made her nipples harden beneath her blouse. Her hand reached for him, begging silently to be touched. However, it wasn’t David that brought her to reality; it was Andrew. Her name on his lips sent a shiver through her body that felt like ice water on her skin. Mia shot him a look of shock and released the breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

“Snap out it, Mia. We have to run – don’t leave me alone – we have to get up and get out of here.” Andrew shook the tiny girl in his lap. He was thankful that her eyes had focused, staring at him instead of through him like a pane of glass. She gave a brief nod and Andrew took it as the push he needed to yank her up and go. He pulled her behind him and away from the horrifying sound of his friends being bled dry.

Andrew could see it – the boardwalk – in the distance. How far had they wondered out? It shouldn’t be this far, yet it felt like he had been running for hours. He was too sacred to look over his shoulder, afraid that he’d see the vampires closing in; his hand was still attached to Mia’s wrist. If not for the soft wheezes of exhaustion coming from her mouth, he might of thought she had already died.

“Andy … please. I can’t keep up.” Mia could hardly breathe. She struggled to keep up and missed a step, dropping into the sand with a loud oomph. The weight nearly pulled Andrew down on top of her.

He turned to her with annoyance in his eyes. Almost there … almost and you trip. Damn drunken sow. Andrew tore his hand from her like he’d been burned and thought about stomping onto her back – the same cute ass that had been in his lap earlier was sticking right up into the air. He was too afraid to make a rational thought; too scared of being torn apart that he circled around and left her. Better her than me, he thought hoping that they would be satisfied with her alone. How wrong he was – Mia sat up in anticipation.

Andrew barely made it a few feet away before David swooped down in front of him. They can fucking fly? He shrieked in horror, but found that his vocal cords weren’t generating a sound. A wet and warm liquid streamed down his shirt, almost like he’d pissed himself. However, before he understood that his neck had been tore open like a dressed pig David shoved his razor like nails into his stomach and ripped them up and through the teen’s fleshy tissue. His large intestine spilled out and hung like a length of rope from the slit in shirt. Andrew’s body doubled over and landed in the mucky red sand with a heavy thump.

Mia cried in mock fear. “Please … please don’t hurt me.” Fat, hot tears soaked her face. She was too caught up in her act to notice David narrow his eyes.

From down the beach she heard Marko laugh. He came down from the air, nearly falling on his ass – Paul and Dewayne landed next to him. “Gets better every time I hear it.”

“Ya think? The scream needs a little work, honestly.” Mia could never seem to get it right. She smiled as Dewayne dipped his head; he agreed with her.

“A little late considering he was dead before hittin’ the ground – David really did a number on ‘im – but no doubt better.” Paul helped Mia stand, avoiding a punch to his side from her. “Come on; wasn’t even the best part. Yer dolly took the cake, leavin’ ya to die. Wasn’t expecting ‘im to run off with ya though.”

Dewayne brushed his fingers through his windswept hair. “Me neither. It was split second.” He watched David nudge the body with his boot and smiled. Out of David’s control; he’s not happy.

The blonde in question moved over to them and stood in front of Mia – Paul backed out of his way. He slid a finger beneath her chin and tilted her face up to meet his. The uncertainty in her pale eyes was almost cute. “What have I told you about playing with your food?”

“Sorry David,” she uttered. Mia wanted to promise him she wouldn’t do it again, but even she knew it wouldn’t be wise to lie to him. His stained thumb rubbed at her cheek; she had no doubt he was smearing blood onto her skin. It smelled delicious. “I did good, didn’t I? Tricked them into going along with us, just like you asked.”

Some habits were hard to break. For Maria it was her obedience; she was something of a pet before David turned her and even now she was expecting a beating for going against his plan. Sometimes he wondered if she liked it a little too much. He sighed and dug his nail into her bottom lip, drawing a thin line of blood. “Yes, but don’t disobey me again.”

Mia smiled. Of course, she thought. What she did was kiss the pad of his finger, sinking her mouth down on it. The metallic taste of blood flaked off onto her tongue, urging her to moan. She was right, Andrew was a good choice. Had he not been, Mia was sure Sara would have. So bitter; her blood must have tasted like honey. Her lips made a sharp pop as she moved off David’s finger.

“Was she good?” Mia was curious. Her lips pouted as he smiled – some of her blood was still around his mouth.

“I’ve had better,” he admitted. Pompous ass, Mia thought. That smirk he gave her knotted her stomach in the most wonderful way.

Mia could only think of one way to find out. She leaned forward and kissed him. A satisfied moan left her mouth as David moved against her, allowing her to taste the blood on his tongue.

Just like honey.

#lost boys #david #marko #paul #dewayne #blood #vampire #kiefer sutherland #alex winter #brooke mccarter #billy wirth #oc

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aion-rsa · 7 years

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Weak Sauce: The 15 Lamest Superhero Weaknesses

As CBR knows only too well, the world of comic books would be pretty damn boring if none of the heroes had any weaknesses or limitations; after all, their powers have to be balanced out somehow or every battle would be over in seconds. Without conflict, there are no comics… or, at least, none worth reading!

RELATED: 15 Superpowers That Would Suck in Real Life

That being said, we here at CBR reckon some heroes’ vulnerabilities are a whole lot easier to justify than others. Brute force? That’s pretty plausible. Magic? Heck, why not. But when incredibly powerful characters are taken down by simple, mundane or outright bizarre weaknesses such as a tree branch, lack of water or a color, you can’t help but wonder what the writers were smoking. Listed below are the lamest weaknesses CBR can think of. Try not to laugh too hard!

SUPERMAN: PRETTY SPACE ROCKS

Kryptonite isn’t the lamest superhero weakness out there, but CBR reckons it’s got to warrant a mention. After all, being allergic to pieces of your home planet is a pretty weird vulnerability to have, especially when its radioactivity is so weak that humans are largely unaffected (Post-“Crisis” Lex Luthor excluded, of course). The variant colors of kryptonite affect Superman differently and some of the symptoms are flat-out hilarious: green just makes Superman weak, but red makes him have psychedelic visions or morph into embarrassing shapes. Silver, meanwhile, turns him into a hungry drunk. And pink? Well, pink makes him super… effeminate. We have Peter David to thank for that absurd little morsel.

Perhaps what’s most ridiculous about Superman’s biggest weakness is that kryptonite is so readily available on Earth. As per “Action Comics” #600, Krypton was located approximately 50 light years from our own planet — falling within Tomar-Re’s Sector 2813, for any “Green Lantern Corps” geeks out there — so even if a few meteorites carrying the substance did make their way into Earth’s atmosphere, it’s unlikely that more than a few fragments could be recovered. So how come Lex Luthor’s got stockpiles of the stuff?

DAREDEVIL: NOISE POLLUTION

After a young Matt Murdoch is blinded by a radioactive substance while trying to save a man from being flattened by a truck, he develops other super-heightened senses that allow him to “see” using sound, smell, taste and touch… okay, okay, mostly sound (don’t worry, he’s not going to start licking the walls to track bad guys or anything). Oh, and he also becomes a martial arts master because, y’know, it’s a Stan Lee comic and it’s cool.

Although this sensory sensitivity works effectively as a substitute for vision most of the time, it comes at a high price. Therein lies Daredevil’s daftest weakness: he can’t bear loud noises. So much so, in fact, that particularly powerful sounds weaken all his senses rather than enhancing them (not just hearing, but balance and orientation too), and can immobilize him completely as the sensory overload is so painful. You could quite literally defeat him without throwing a punch: just yell at him through a megaphone!

AQUAMAN: DEHYDRATION

Since his creation by Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger back in 1941, Aquaman has been the butt of many a joke. He’s gifted with a range of pretty impressive abilities, including super-strength, enhanced hearing, night vision and the capacity to withstand bone-crushing pressure, but his affinity for oceanic creatures has always made him seem a bit… well… fishy.

However, we here at CBR would argue that the silliest thing about Aquaman isn’t that his closest allies could be defeated by a fishing net, but that his entire power set is reliant on him having regular access to water. Sure, the average Joe might get a headache if they don’t stay hydrated, but being out of the sea for more than an hour renders this Atlantean King completely powerless, a flaw that was retconned in during “Adventure Comics” #256 in 1959.

Aquaman can easily fight the baddies on the beaches as part of the Justice League, but what about in the middle of the city, a space station or an underground lair (all legitimate supervillain hangouts by the way)? Take him out his element, and he gets a lot less super.

THE HUMAN TORCH: ASBESTOS

Don’t let those dodgy “Fantastic Four” films fool you: Johnny Storm is a force to be reckoned with (although, granted, he’s a little wet behind the ears). Not only can he create, absorb and manipulate fire, which is pretty awesome, but his nova flame is hot enough to vaporize the particles of anything in his way, whether it’s a bullet, a bad guy or a building.

There is, however, one tiny exception to this rule… his powers can’t penetrate asbestos. This doesn’t seem like much of a weakness, given asbestos is now banned across most of the world, but back when the Human Torch was first conceived by Stan Lee and Ernest Hart in 1963, it was commonly used to insulate pipes and wires, soundproof rooms and even make cheap garden furniture.

This initially left the Torch open to a wide range of hair-brained attacks he had no defense against. In “Strange Tales” #111, the imaginatively-named villain Asbestos Man side-stepped Storm’s powers completely using a fire-retardant shield, net and “super-asbestos” suit. However, the Human Torch prevailed in the end and the toxic properties of Asbestos Man’s suit meant he later relied on an oxygen tank for survival. Tough break, man.

THE FLASH: RUNNING TOO FAST

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but in the case of Barry Allen, the opposite is true: his speed might be his greatest strength, but excelling in his abilities puts his life in mortal danger. As part of the 1985-1986 “Crisis on Infinite Earths” crossover comic written by Marv Wolfman, the Flash uses super-speed to thwart the Anti-Monitor’s evil plan, but the speed vortex he creates to stop the villain’s anti-matter cannon firing is so fast it sweeps the Flash away along with it. He ends up being stranded for 23 years in the Speed Force — the mystical energy field that gives all speedsters their powers — being thought dead by his closest friends, including Wally West, who takes up the Flash mantle in his absence.

Being one with the force does have upsides though, as according to the “Secret Origins” Annual #2, Allen is able to go back and mess with his own timeline (again… will he ever learn?!), becoming the lightning bolt that hit his lab and gave him superpowers in the first place. Plus, he didn’t stay dead forever, as Grant Morrison brought him back for 2008’s “Final Crisis,” but his need for speed still makes him vulnerable!

ADAM STRANGE: FORCED DEPORTATION

To anyone who thinks archaeologists can’t be superheroes, we give you Adam Strange, the intrepid dirt-explorer who inadvertently found himself on the planet Rann and was gifted with all the powers of a superhero in “Mystery in Space.” His creator Julius Schwartz never really explained why, but Strange quickly settles down on Rann with his space-babe of a wife, Alanna. unfortunately, this life of bliss is frequently interrupted by his rather inconvenient transportations back to Earth, where he has no powers at all.

The technology responsible for bringing him to Rann — the mysterious Zeta-Beam — only allows him to remain there for as long as it’s transmitting back to Earth… and as it takes the beam a good few years to reach Strange’s home planet, it’s not exactly easy to catch a ride back. Strange might well have been recruited as Rann’s savior, but his timing issues really make his role more of a part-time gig. He could be mid-way through his heroics before vanishing without a trace. He even left his wife to nearly get eaten by a tiger once! Luckily, as Alan Moore’s “Swamp Thing” series clarified, the Rannians are more than capable of looking after themselves when Strange isn’t around.

GLADIATOR: LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Marvel’s Gladiator, created by Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum, is arguably one of the most powerful comic book heroes ever, and that’s a big accolade. Being gifted with planet-shattering strength, super- speed, heat vision, frost breath and a few psionic abilities to boot, he’s a superhero most guys would love to be… but, funnily enough, he’s never really learned to love himself.

Although low self-esteem isn’t exactly fun for anybody, for Gladiator it’s a fatal weakness. His power fluctuates according to his confidence, as seen in Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning’s “War of Kings” crossover in 2009. As such, he can be defeated by opponents with far lesser abilities if only they can make him doubt himself. A prime example of this crops up in “War of Kings” #3, when Guardians of the Galaxy’s Rocket Raccoon manages to convince Gladiator his gun will hurt him and, despite withstanding far worse in the past, succumbs to the self-fulfilling prophecy and is beaten. So he’s not just insecure, he’s also dumb enough to be outwitted by a raccoon. Should that count as two weaknesses?

BANSHEE: A SORE THROAT

It’s not exactly a secret that shouting yourself hoarse won’t do you any good, mainly because everyone around you will think you’re cray. But what if your voice was your superpower? That’s the problem that Marvel’s Banshee faces, as an X-Men mutant with a sonic scream powerful enough to disable his enemies. Of course, having super-powered vocal cords doesn’t make you invulnerable to a sore throat, as Banshee learned to his peril in “Uncanny X-Men” #119.

In it, he completely lost his powers during a battle with the terrorist Moses Magnum after overexerting himself… and by overexertion, we mean yelling really, really loudly for a few minutes ‘til he ran out of wind. It’s odd to think that something most people could cure with a lozenge or two is capable of taking down a superhero permanently (as Banshee retired shortly after this defeat to shack up with Professor X’s ex-girlfriend), but since when have comic book vulnerabilities made any sense at all?

CYCLOPS: MISPLACING HIS GLASSES

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s Cyclops is a powerful mutant and an effective leader of theX-Men; well, so long as he’s wearing his ruby quartz visor, that is. Without it, he’s basically a walking death trap. His optic blasts may be incredibly precise, but he’s unable to control or direct them without the visor. This weakness originated from a childhood brain injury (as stated in “Uncanny X-Men” #156), but was later retconned in “Astonishing X-Men” #14 and explained as a self-imposed mental block, resulting from the trauma of his parents’ death. Either way, even opening his eyes a little without his designer cyber-specs is likely to cause general carnage and endanger everyone around him.

Laughably, many fights with Cyclops inevitably involve him losing his visor somehow and blasting holes into everything until someone stops him scrabbling around on the floor blindly. You’d think with all the super-powered technology lying around Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, someone would’ve been able to design something to help Scott Summers keep his visor on!

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: FIRE

He’s a powerful superhero who can shapeshift at a molecular level, changing his entire genetic composition to allow him to pass through solid objects, withstand ferocious attacks or bend light waves around his body. Moreover, he hails from Mars, otherwise known as the Red Planet or the Fire-Star. So, why exactly should Martian Manhunter be so afraid of fire?

In Frank Morrison’s “Final Crisis” #1, the Martian Manhunter is captured and killed by Libra in the presence of the Secret Society of Super-Villains on the orders of his past B-list foe, the Human Flame. Theoretically, J’onn J’onzz should be able to shapeshift into something fireproof, or wet, or something, but he ends up being torched like a marshmallow instead. Weirder still, any attempt to overcome this aversion to fire turns J’onn J’onzz into an entirely different person, specifically the Burning Martian Fernus, one of J’onn’s ancient Martian ancestors. As Joe Kelly’s “JLA” #87-89 proved, Fernus isn’t really a very nice guy — he’s fuelled by “psychic grief,” after all, which is almost never a good sign.

THOR: 60 SECONDS

As the God of Thunder, Thor is granted a range of truly awesome abilities, including enhanced strength and endurance, flight, weather manipulation and a near-immortal lifespan. However, it’s worth pointing out these powers are granted by his mystical hammer, Mjolnir… and it just so happens that Mjolnir can be pretty damn fickle. Original canon dictated that if Thor lost physical contact with his hammer for more than 60 seconds, he would instantly revert back to his mortal alter-ego, Donald Blake. Moreover, if someone “worthy” of Mjolnir’s power reached the hammer first, they could claim Thor’s abilities for themselves.

Creator Stan Lee unwittingly made Thor an easy target for quick-thinking villains and wannabe gods. After all, Thor’s preferred method of combat is throwing his hammer around and occasionally using it to pin down a bad guy or two, so taking him down became very simple: keep him occupied for more than a minute and create an obstacle to prevent Mjolnir returning. Boom! De-powered Thor. Thankfully, the 60-second rule was abolished in 1984, in “Thor” #340 during the “Stormbreaker” story arc written by Walter Simonson, so bad guys can’t take out the Thunder God so easily anymore.

WONDER WOMAN: BONDAGE

Superheroes don’t come much more kickass than Wonder Woman. As a gifted warrior with enough power to take on the gods and win, she’s shown time and again that she can hold her own in the testosterone-fueled world of comic book heroes… but she wasn’t always the self-assured feminist icon we’ve all come to know and love. As it turns out, Wonder Woman’s creator William Moulton Marston had some pretty barmy ideas about the amount of power men should be able to wield over women back in the day.

Case in point: despite being a super-powerful Amazonian princess in a land ruled by women, Marston made sure Diane of Themyscira’s powers (like those of her kind) could easily be neutralized by any member of the “greater” sex through the simple act of binding her wrists. This, according to Aphrodite’s Law, made her “as weak as other women in a man-ruled world,” reinforcing the idea that women should be answerable to men at all times. Incredibly, this gender-specific weakness persevered from Wonder Woman’s debut in 1941 (in “All-Star Comics” #8) right through to the mid ‘80s, when DC finally retconned this flaw out for the good of all womankind.

POWER GIRL: ANY NATURAL UNPROCESSED MATERIAL

You’d think that after getting around that whole “vulnerability-to-kryptonite” thing through the sheer convenience of having come from another dimension (kryptonite doesn’t work when it’s brought to other realities), Power Girl would pretty much be unstoppable; after all, she’s got exactly the same powers as her on-off cousin Superman, and that strong personality of hers means she can stay sharp and decisive when the going gets tough. There’s only one problem with that: Power Girl’s got a different weakness, one that is far more common than an obscure, radioactive space rock. She’s vulnerable to all raw, unprocessed materials. Yes, you read that right.

After being knocked to the ground by a tree branch and then impaled by it in Peter David’s “Supergirl” Vol.4 #16, Kara tells a bemused Supergirl that “sticks and stones can really break my [bones]” in a nod to the old schoolyard rhyme. CBR can only assume that means “names will never hurt” her. Small comfort! Wood, stone, dirt, sand — if it’s on Earth and it’s not man-made, it can harm her. Being impervious to bullets only counts for so much if your enemy can take you down with a slingshot!

CAPTAIN MARVEL JR.: SAYING HIS OWN NAME

Speaking of being hurt by name-calling… did anyone call for Captain Marvel Jr., DC’s resident narcissist? Unfair, maybe, but there aren’t many superheroes whose powers rely on their ability to say their own name, and for good reason. Apart from being a rather ridiculous way to activate someone’s powers, it also opens the character up to mishaps of sitcom-worthy proportions.

If Captain Marvel Jr. tries to introduce himself to a super-powered ally or, for some reason, feels the need to say his name in the middle of a battle, he’ll instantly be transformed into Freddy Freeman, a decidedly ordinary young lad who relies on a crutch to walk. If he speaks his superhero alias aloud while in the guise of Freddy Freeman (who works in a newsroom — an environment where everyone’s bound to be interested in superhero shenanigans), he’ll transform into a shimmering beacon of muscly justice and give himself away.

Writer Jerry Ordway tried getting around this flaw during Captain Marvel Jr.’s sporadic appearances in “Teen Titans” between 1995-1998 by having Freeman refer to himself as “CM3” so he could avoid accidental transformations, but the change didn’t stick (largely because saying it made him sound like a CMd-bag).

GREEN LANTERN: YELLOW

For many fans, Hal Jordan is the definitive Green Lantern. He’s protected the Earth from innumerable threats through sheer force of will, making him one of the most impressive wielders of the Power Ring. However, being color-coded does have its downfalls… like being rendered useless by the color yellow. Yes, yellow. The color of sunshine, raincoats, buttercups and pee-pee.

According to canon, an impurity in the ring’s power source meant that Jordan became powerless when faced with this color. This was later explained in Geoff Johns’ “Green Lantern: Rebirth” as being tied to Parallax, a yellow fear entity who was locked in the Central Power Battery, thus weakening it. Before this was revealed, though, GL’s weakness was exploited to hilarious effect, incuding by writers such as Frank Miller. He had the Caped Crusader trap Jordan in a yellow-painted room in “All-Star Batman & Robin” #9 before letting a gold-suited Robin clobber him. Why? Because, as stated explicitly in the comic, it’s the “dumbest weakness… ever heard of.” Bruce Wayne can be a bit of an a-hole, but he’s often right.

Can you think of any other daft superhero weaknesses? Let us know in the comments!

The post Weak Sauce: The 15 Lamest Superhero Weaknesses appeared first on CBR.com.

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