#the adventures of scuba lobster and fight me crab | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hippolotamus · 2 years

Text

“Shore” the One

I wish I could say I had an excuse for this but all I have is weird ideas and encouragement from amazing friends. For @stereopticons and @lizzie-bennetdarcy , creator of Fucking Fight Me Crab and Scuba Lobster (For the record I have nothing against manatees)

credit for Profanitee

Somewhere in the North Atlantic

Once upon a time in a land far, far away… no, no, no. We’re not starting that way. We’re in the Atlantic Ocean, baby. It’s a balmy 87 degrees and Lobster wants to go on a swim. He walks on his spindly legs out of his lobster house to retrieve his prized possession: his scuba mask.

Lobster loves his scuba mask. It is blue with a black strap and breathing tube. And it makes him feel daring and adventurous. Does a lobster need a scuba mask? Of course not, but that’s beside the point. Lobster loves it so he deems it necessary.

Once Lobster is fitted with his mask (tricky business when working with claws) he proudly scuttles out to sea. Er, farther out to sea. Lobster loves these daily treks around the ocean floor. He passes kelp forests, coral reefs teeming with fish and anemones. He scurries to hide when whales and sharks drift overhead.

Normally, Lobster finds a rock to go behind or a nice reef, but has never encountered anything too unusual. Today is different. Today Lobster encounters a most unusual creature. Today Lobster meets Crab.

Now, meeting a crab is not so unusual in itself. But when a crab is holding a sharp knife between its pinchy claws… well that’s a seahorse of a different color.

“Oh, excuse me. Can I help you?” Lobster asks.

Crab shuffles around to face Lobster, it’s beady eyes managing to appear menacing. “You got some kinda problem with me bein’ here?”

“No, oh dear. Not at all I just-“ Lobster pauses when Crab points the blade in his direction.

“Fuckin’ fight me!” Crab declares, brandishing his blade.

Lobster backs away until he finds himself against a tall coral with nowhere to go “I don’t think- I’m not- Put that down, sir!”

Crab tucks the handle closer to his shell, eyeing Lobster suspiciously. He’s met very few who dare to challenge him once his blade is pointing their way.

“Fuck!” A voice echoes overhead.

“What in the blazes?” Crab asks, looking at the large, round mass.

Lobster shakes his head, holding a claw over his mask. “That is Profanitee. He curses at random. Can’t say I blame him at all. Happy fellow, but he’s lost. I mean what manatee finds its way this far north? Crazy bastard belongs in the Keys somewhere.”

Crab slowly nods (as much as a crab can) in acknowledgment, and Lobster continues on.

“Do you mind telling me why you’re here pointing knives at random passers by?” Lobster inquires, still quite shaken by the ordeal.

“As a youngin my parents were swept up in a net, right in front of me. I decided then and there I wouldn’t let anything get me. Nothing!”

Unusual creature indeed, Lobster thinks. “Well, I wish you no harm. I’m just out for my daily wander. If you let me pass I shall be on my way.”

Crab doesn’t move or respond, just continues eyeing Lobster like he’s conflicted about what to do. Lobster really does not wish to have to fight. (He can if he has to! He just doesn’t want to.)

“Twat!” Profanitee yelps.

Lobster and Crab both look up at him and notice the square object floating down, down, down until it lands between them.

“What’s all this?” Lobster skitters round to look at the neat type printed on it, horrified by what he sees.

“Whatsit say?” Crab asks. “I can’t read.”

“Court reinstates ban on lobster gear,” Lobster says aloud. He doesn’t read anymore, he thinks of his beloved scuba mask and becomes irate. He can’t not wear it. “This, Crab, is an outrage! I cannot stand for such things! Something must be done.”

“What will you do?”

“We shall go see this Court and demand answers!”

“Who is it? How do we find ‘em?”

Lobster hadn’t considered this. He becomes very deflated once he realizes he hasn’t the slightest clue. Crab takes notice.

“There… there? We’ll figure it out. I guess.” Crab is not in the habit of comfort, only fighting.

“We will?” Lobster stands a little taller. “We will! Come Crab we must be off at once!”

Crab fights the urge to take back his comfort, and stab Lobster instead, when he finds himself being pulled along the ocean floor by an overexcited crustacean wearing scuba gear.

“Profanitee!” Lobster huffs and puffs as he tries to capture the great, stupid blobs attention. “Profanitee!”

Profanitee slows down, rolls on its back, and stares with two large dopey eyes. “Quack?”

“Let me handle this,” Crab whispers to Lobster before turning back to Profanitee. “I know yer a big, dumb sea cow but how do we find Court?”

“Dick!”

“Why you enormous–”

Lobster is horrified, and wrangles a claw in front of Crab. “I’m so sorry for my friend here. What he meant to say is that we are trying to find Court. Do you know where to find them?”

Profanitee continues to stare, then rolls over to swim away, and shouts Steve!

“Well that was no help. I guess we’ll just keep going then,” Lobster sighs, resuming their journey. He’s scuttled about 3 meters when he stops, realizing Crab isn’t following. “I suppose you’re giving up?”

Crab blinks, “You called me yer friend.”

“You are accompanying me to help this cause. And you spared my life. So, yes, I consider you a friend, Crab.”

“No one’s ever done that before.”

“I don’t suppose it has anything to do with you threatening them? Anyway, I’m saying it now and I would prefer it if you continued on with me.”

“Okay… Friend.” Crab smiles his pointy smile and hurries to catch up to Lobster.

Lobster and Crab continue wandering but feel as though they are no closer to answers. Kelp and clams are of little use when asking directions. However, Lobster is quite pleased to be on such a tremendous trek today and to have found a new travel companion. They stop to share a snack of algae and mussels. Yes, Lobster could get quite used to having a friend.

🦞🦀🦞🦀🦞🦀🦞🦀🦞

“Oh, this is taking soooo long!” Lobster wails. It feels as though they’ve been walking in circles for hours.

Crab quite agrees. He doesn’t know how to help, though. Thankfully at that moment a large shadow passes over and Lobster begins to look excited again.

“A whale! Hurry, Crab, we have to catch it!”

This seems absurd, and a little dangerous, to Crab but he follows his friend anyway.

As they come closer to Whale, Lobster is beginning to consider that he may not have thought this through. But he doesn’t want to look like a coward in front of his new friend. “Whale? Hello?”

Whale looks at Lobster then continues swimming. Lobster will not be ignored. He races to keep up and snaps his claw to Whale’s fin, holding on when Whale tries shaking him loose.

“I just need to find Court!” Lobster shouts.

“Court?” Whale stops abruptly, flinging Lobster forward. “Did you say Court?”

“Yes!” Lobster nearly does a jig on top of Whale. “How do we find them?”

Whale vibrates with laughter. “It’s not a them, dear. It’s a what!”

“A what?”

Whale explains that Court is a building on land and she will happily take Lobster and Crab as close to the surface as possible. Lobster is astonished at their good fortune.

“Crab! Come here!” Lobster calls.

Crab is seriously reconsidering this whole adventure thing as he now has to struggle to join Lobster while holding onto the knife handle. He wants to sleep when he finally lands on Whale and promptly collapses next to Lobster.

“Whale here is going to take us to the surface! Isn’t that great news?!”

“The” –huff– “best” –puff.

Crab is not amused by suddenly finding himself barreling through the ocean waters atop a whale, being jostled inconsiderately. He is less amused to find himself suddenly thrust into sunshine and diving seagulls.

“There it is! There it is!” Lobster exclaims, pointing excitedly. In the distance there is a tall sandy colored building with the word Courthouse carved on the front of it. (Who knew Courts had their own houses?!) Huge swarms of people are walking past it, in it, out of it. Crab wishes he had stayed in bed that morning.

“Thank you, Whale!” Lobster calls, once again taking off with Crab in tow.

The sea waves assist in pushing them closer, greatly reducing their effort, until they can scuttle up the rocks leading to the street. Lobster and Crab brave their way past frightened humans (including a very small one in a wheeled contraption that giggles and tries to play with them), seagulls, pigeons, even a few curious dogs and cats. Unsurprisingly, Lobster has to intervene on no fewer than a dozen attempts of Crab trying to pick fights with creatures of all shapes and sizes.

“Wouldya look at that,” Crab says, his gruff demeanor softened by awe and wonder.

“Indeed, Crab. We’re nearly there. Shall we?” Lobster looks at Crab hopefully.

“Lead the way, friend,” Crab replies.

They manage to make it unscathed up the enormous steps leading to the front doors. Though completing their mission is of the utmost importance it seems ridiculous to deny themselves having any fun. Lobster and Crab take a few spins in the revolving door, ride up and down the elevator and cruise the escalator. They drop by the cafe and greedily snap up pastry crumbs and slurp spilled tea. Cupcakes and muffins will make the return to algae and sea living most boring. Finally, they can avoid it no longer and set about trying to find where to go.

“...no one’s happy about it but we can’t have the lobster people interfering. They just have to find another way or fight it in court.”

“Crab! Did you hear that?! That person is talking about lobsters!” Lobster walks as fast as his spindly legs will carry him toward the tall person in the long, black robe.

“Excuse me!” Lobster yells once he’s next to them. He pulls on the robe when he realizes the person can’t hear him.

The person stares for a moment, blinks, and then screams. They kick and flail, nearly stepping on Lobster in the process.

Oh dear, this isn’t what I wanted to happen, Lobster thinks, scurrying for protection. Crab clacks up beside him, asking if he can poke them.

“No, Crab!”

“Well, can I pinch them?”

“No! We won’t get answers that way. This must be a dignified discussion.”

Lobster decides the only way is to stand his ground and wait for the hysterics to subside. Finally the shrieking person calms down, but never takes their eyes off of Lobster and Crab.

“What do you want with me?” They ask, even as others pass by looking confused, and maybe a little concerned.

Lobster points his claw indicating he needs to be closer to speak. Warily, the person picks him up by the tail and holds him like that, suspended in the air.

“Excuse me, but could you put me down on something? And maybe bring my friend, Crab, too?”

The person looks down at Crab, gulps and leans down to let Crab climb on their other hand. With shaky hands the person carries them both into an empty room and deposits them both on a wooden table.

“Still say we should’ve stabbed ‘em.”

“Thank you!”

Crab and Lobster say in unison.

“Now,” the person starts, still looking quite nervous. “I don’t know what this is or what I did to deserve talking sea life, but I’ll ask again. What do you want with me?”

“We don’t mean anythin’ by it. Just need some help fer my friend here.”

The color drains from the person’s face.

Lobster adds, “You see, I’ve come about the ban on lobster gear. I heard you discussing it and I want to know what I can do to change your mind.”

They blink, processing what Lobster’s said, and then burst into a fit of laughter. “I thought you’d be happy about that. Banning the lobster cages and all that.”

“Lobster cages? I’m sorry, did you say lobster cages?”

“Yes. The ruling was on banning lobster traps so they don’t hurt the whales. The whales have been getting tangled.”

Lobster feels quite silly. “So that means I do not have to give up my scuba mask?” He protectively guards his tiny mask with his claws.

“I don’t know why a lobster even needs one, but yes, you can keep it. You do you, as the kids say.”

This person does not make any sense to Lobster or Crab. Whoever heard of such a phrase? Regardless, Lobster is very happy indeed to keep wearing his prized scuba mask.

“Anything else I can do for you?” They inquire.

“There is one thing,” Lobster suggests. “Could you take us back to the water? It’s awfully dangerous out there.”

“And one of them frosted cupcakes! With extra sprinkles!” Crab adds.

“Well, I may as well lean into it,” the person mutters, picking them both up from the table.

Crab and Lobster share bites of the gloriously frosted treat, tossing sprinkles at each other and catching them with their mouths and claws.

“Here we are,” Person announces.

“If you just sit us on these rocks here we can make it the rest of the way. Thank you for all your help!” Lobster is quite grateful, even if it turned out to be a needless journey.

“Uh huh. Sure. You’re welcome?” Person sets them both among the rocks and flees before they can climb anywhere.

“Well that was rude,” Crab states.

“Indeed, Crab. Indeed.”

The duo aimlessly wander along the ocean floor, past starfish, seaweed, sea urchins and octopi.

“So, Crab. What will you do now? Do you live near here?”

“Don’t know. Just go where the tide takes me.”

Hmm, this will not do. “Do you mean you have nowhere to call home?”

Crab droops a bit, “No, Lobster. But it’s okay. Like I said, I just go where the tide puts me.”

Lobster doesn’t know what to say, so he stays quiet until they finally arrive at his cozy lobster house. It’s nothing fancy, a small rock pile big enough to take shelter in. Lobster has fancied it up a bit with shiny things he’s found on excursions. Now that Lobster is home he takes off his mask and stores it in the special hiding place at the back of the rocks.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye, Crab.” Lobster does not wish for Crab to leave.

“I s’pose,” Crab agrees. Crab does not wish to leave Lobster. It was nice having a real friend. The trouble is Lobster hasn’t invited him to stay, he can’t very well loiter like a nuisance. “I’ll be seein’ ya.”

No, no, Lobster cannot allow this. He finally had a travel companion. They went whale riding, went on land, ate sugary baked goods and had, well, a real adventure. “Wait!”

Crab stops to look curiously. He dare not get his hopes up.

“Would you like to stay? With me?” Lobster asks.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Crab smiles his pointy smile that reaches his beady eyes and scurries back to Lobster.

Lobster shows him inside (including a very safe place to put his knife for the night, that’s a topic for another day) and they share a light dinner of clams and worms. Then they huddle together for bed and both dream of adventures with their new friend. And cupcakes. Lots of cupcakes.

Somewhere overhead Profanitee bellows, “Cockwomble!”

🤿🦞💞🦀🔪

#scuba lobster #fucking fight me crab #profanitee #misunderstandings #ocean adventures #friends #strangers to enemies to IDK #i... really have nothing to say for myself #💙🦛#🤿🦞💞🦀🔪

26 notes · View notes