Is it just me or do I feel like iv would use his jacket to mark the girl he liked. Back off cunts she’s taken sort of vibes. Maybe you could write something along those lines?

I think about this a lot myself, so I definitely understand you and genuinely agree. Also III is being a bestie in this one.

His mark

It started so innocently. The whole band was hanging behind the stage after the concert. The conversation was light with people reaching in to nibble on some food and drinks. Your stage outfit, as nice as it was to jump around on stage while the huge lights shined on your body, now that you were in the dim of the back rooms did little to keep you warm. And you so could have just excused yourself from the conversation with the girls, knowing full well that they wouldn’t mind holding the conversation off for a couple of minutes but you just didn’t want to somehow break the atmosphere.

That’s when you felt it. The weight pressing on your shoulders. The heat instantly radiated from the leather that was being so casually draped over your body. Crocking your head to the side you saw none other than IV. But you didn’t even have to look. The smell of him, so familiar and at this point engraved into your brain gave him away. “Could hear your teeth clacking together from across the room, it’s so annoying”, he grunted, clearly trying to seem more annoyed than he was. “My apologies and you shouldn’t have tasked yourself with coming to my rescue”, you sassed back, slipping your arms through the sleeves. “Sometimes my kindness surprises even me”, IV shrugged, leaning equipment boxes. “We will grab some more food”, the girls chirped, making you snap your head back at them, completely forgetting that they were there in the first place.

“Is it bad that I secretly fantasized about wearing this?”, you asked so out of the blue that you were almost convinced that you heard IV choke on his drink, “This is the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long while”. IV stayed silent for a moment before that shit-eating grin spread across his face, “See, depends on what these fantasies entail”, he muttered, clearly delighted with himself. Now it was you who gasped, pushing his chest slightly as you both giggled away.

The next time it happened was in the middle of the show. The open stage, as nice as it was for some parts of the summer, wasn’t all that friendly when the summer rains split the skies. While the first two songs in soaked clothes were kind of refreshing. Rain alsp brought a lower temperature, slowly settling the tremble into your hands. That’s when a familiar figure sauntered closer but you didn’t give it much thought. IV often found himself close to you and the girls. It was his nature, well all of theirs. That’s until IV pulled his guitar off, setting it down and shrugging out of his jacket.

With your eyes already glued on him, you watched him lifting the jacket closer to you. All you could do was shake your head, “Are you insane?”, you mouthed. It was one thing doing stuff like that around the people in the team. A whole different story when fans were involved. “Put it on or I will put it on you”, IV stated flatly. Throwing the jacket up.

The logic within you told you to ignore it. Let it drop. But you couldn’t. It was way too precious. Someone had spent hours making it and it was also his. But just because it was in your hands didn’t mean you had to put it on. You could just hold it for him. Well, wrong. Cause IV dared to cross his arms over his chest as he watched you, and knowing his stubborn ass he would stand there till you did what he had told you to. With an excessive eye roll, you threw the jacket over your shoulder, pushing some of the wet strands away and clinging to your face. “Happy?”, you mouthed, but IV only winked at you before returning to the front of the stage.

And more often than not this had turned into a norm. Going to the bus? His jacket is on your body. Right before the show while the jitters are insane? His jacket. Walking through the backstages while preparing? Band meetings? Rehearsals? The list could go on and on. But since it brought you the same sense of comfort you never voiced it out loud. Too afraid that if you pointed it out he would turn the other way and run for the hills.

“So, where’s your guard dog?”, III's voice snapped you out of your thoughts. Smiling you rolled your eyes, pushing a pack of goldfish towards him. “Maybe guarding someone else”, you shrugged, making III snort, “Nice try, I bet all of his security alarms are ringing off right this minute”. You frowned slightly at his words. “Oh come on, tell me that you don’t see a pattern?”, III tilted his head to the side in disbelief. “He’s just been sweet”, you muttered, “Plus, I had told him that I have frog hands and feet. I’m constantly cold”.

III just shook his head, “We all know that but do you see me running after you with a blanket?”. You huffed, letting your mouth drop, “Is this your way of telling me that secretly hate me”, you gave him the best version of puppy dog eyes. “Girl, I held your hair back while you threw up a bottle of tequila, I don’t do that for people I don’t care about”, he pointed out. You leaned in, warping your arms around his lean body, “And that is why I like you”, you muttered again his chest.

Someone cleared their throat and you instantly pulled back. Not far from you two stood IV. The fire in his eyes burning out of control. You expect III to pull back but instead, he casually slung his arm over your shoulders. “In need of a hug too?”, he teased, IV eyes burning holes in his bandmate's face. “Just wondering why you needed one”, IV said through gritted teeth. “Oh, come on, I hug you all good morning and goodnight, don’t start playing favorites”, you slapped III on his chest, pulling out of his hands.

IV equally didn’t waste any time stepping closer to you. And as if it had become your secret skin, the jacket pressed down onto your shoulders. III let out a laugh, shaking his head, “Loud and clear mate, loud and clear”, he saluted before turning back. “Why are you in a pissy mood?”, you crossed your arms over your chest, turning to face IV. His eyes are still on III. “I don’t like when people mess with what’s mine”, he muttered, snatching all air out of your lungs. “What is that supposed to mean”, you muttered, letting him pull you closer to him. “Don’t worry your head about it for now”, IV leaned in pressing a kiss to your temple.

Tonight ended up being such a high anxiety night. I still haven't slept yet but hopefully I will soon. I think I figured out some of what I've been doing wrong and what I need to remind myself of. I'll dump my thoughts under the cut.

First, I know this is foolish but I tried to force myself to finish a piece of media that was triggering me. I had already read parts of it before and knew the whole story including the ending but I wanted to have it 100% completed for my list. Eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep reading, and stopped. And that's okay. I had to drop another thing I was reading prior to that, because it was boring (so I picked up the triggering story because at least it was less boring so I thought I'd be able to finish it). I need to stop forcing myself to do things I don't really want to do, there's no point, I just have a perfectionist nature and like when I can say I finished something completely but it's not always worth it.

Next is that I've been freaking myself out, even when I'm successful at something. Because then my next thought is "Well how long can I keep this up?" and my mind already starts racing to the next hour or the next day. And then I give myself panic attacks from overthinking and putting myself in catastrophic situations that aren't fucking real (or even realistic to begin with). It's so damn ridiculous, I'm already setting myself up for failure before it can even happen. Yeah, I need to stop that, too.

I've noticed myself feeling super hopeless and I honestly do need to bring back some of my hopefulness. It really does feel terrible to just rot. It's only comforting for so long before it becomes depressing as fuck and makes me feel like I've undone a lot of my progress. (I know progress can't be undone, but still) I'm disgusted at myself for thinking it was "okay". Maybe I did need to experience it for a while just to get it out of my system and because I was going through really high stress but I feel so ashamed of how I hurt myself towards the end of March. I had a lot of 'recovery win' days, went back to feeling like a failure, but instead of picking myself up again, I actually started to treat myself even worse than before and let my habits get really bad. I want to avoid doing that again.

I read somewhere that you can't just collect wisdom, you have to use it too, so I need to get serious about using the coping skills I've learned about. And again, NOT let myself fall back into that fucking awful misery pit I was stuck in. I am trying to take things a little at a time. I have some positive phrases I repeat to myself when I feel overwhelmed. I keep trying to remember other times I've pulled myself out of spirals like this before. I'm really feeling the shittiness of it all, it sucks, I would do anything not to feel this fucking low right now. I really can't express how upset I am at myself for just having just given up so pathetically.

I need to get back on track with an endless list of things. I've been sleeping during the day so I haven't been able to get my dad to pick my meds up for me, and I'm going through another fucking IBS flare-up. I've been neglecting myself... you know, that whole stupid thing where someone is feeling better so they think they don't need their meds anymore, but it was their meds making them feel better. Yeah, I did that. And my dad even asked me about my meds and I was like "It's okay, I haven't been having flare-ups" and "It's not a life or death medication, I'm fine". GODDDD I'm so irresponsible with myself but anyway. I should be getting my meds today hopefully.

I also need to cut down on one med that worsens my IBS symptoms. (This one is okay to cut down on, because I have alternatives I can take that won't give me the IBS symptoms, and I went for weeks last month not taking this one so I really don't need it) And I also have to stop taking meds on an empty stomach without even any coffee, sometimes I wasn't even taking them with water because I didn't want to get up and grab water.

I want to go back to sleeping better. I actually get deeper sleep when I sleep with less meds. It's just that it takes me a lot longer to fall asleep, and my schedule has been all fucked up lately. I want to at least stay on the lowest dose that is still safe and works for me, and not rely on them too much. (I know this is possible because I was doing better with sleep in January and before my emotional breakdown towards the end of March, so again... just another thing I need to get back on track with)

And ugh, I just. Realize there are all sorts of things I want to do, that are totally everyday normal things, and that those are the things I should be focusing on. Like. I have things I want to enjoy (that I will actually have fun with and that won't trigger me). I want to keep watching and reading new stuff. I want to stay alive for my puppy. I want to take care of myself and feel physically better even when it feels like there's no point. There IS a point, I'm worth it no matter what bullshit my brain tries to tell me. I want to feel proud of myself for every time I resist a compulsive behavior. I want to feel what it's like to eat normally and sleep normally again. I want to create more stuff for my own enjoyment. I want to laugh and smile and be happy, not rot. I want the gift I got myself to come in the mail. I want to be fucking nice to myself instead of all the shit I've done to myself in the past to numb myself or hurt myself. I'm so sorry I treated my past self like shit, but I can't erase the past. I just need to keep hanging on and believing that I'll get out of this mess/cycle/pattern/whatever you want to call it. Just one little baby step at a time. I can and I will do it.

honestly im proud of myself that even though this breakup has been devastatingly sad for me, i havent been depressed at all. i'll often cry, but i still feel energized every morning and it's not a manic energy. ive been doing a great job taking care of myself and being an adult on my own for the first time

Me when I thought this girl at my school hated me, because she is friends with literally everyone I know and I thought that I did something to make her not like me, and I heard that she liked hazbin hotel so I gave her a little doodle of angel dust and she really liked it but I wasn't sure that she still liked me, uhhh and a couple hours later in culinary she asked me to be her cooking partner.....

Maybe everyone doesn't hate me....

But come to think of it, Mangkorn... Some things—it's not that we can't choose; it's just that we don't dare choose.

Wanted to illustrate what it feels like having depression and I think ever since I got this piece out, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I am still seeking therapy to make sure I get myself in check with my mental health. Its been helping a lot.

hot girls will randomly get out of bed at 1:45 am to clean out their entire closet (it’s me, i’m hot girls)

Yeah, I think in gonna reconnect with my faith (<= this user misses the warmth of the catholic church)

YA GIRL GOT A JOB OFFER 

I'M FINALLY FREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEEEDDDOOOOMMMM!!!! FREEDOOOMMMMM!!!!

Sent in my name for graduation and will go to the bookstore after class to order my cap and gown and I’ve been crying all goddamn morning

I JUST FOUND OUT JOONGDUNK DID A MASH-UP OF ท้องฟ้า​กับแสงดาว AND ท้องฟ้า​กับแสงดาวและ​สองเรา FOR FANFEST IN JAPAN DFJFJCJCUGDKUDJFJF THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME ALL DAY

no for real tho this is THE BEST POSSIBLE THING they could ever have done bc their our skyy song is just soooo reminiscent of ท้องฟ้า​กับ​แสง​ดาว, like, ท้องฟ้า​กับแสงดาวและ​สองเรา was clearly written with ท้องฟ้า​กับแสงดาว in mind and even the title reflects that and now they did a mash-up and i wanna cry, that's so fucking cool omg

I've decided to clear out all of my inbox and my drafts. Not by completing them, but simply deleting them. For some reason, I just can't get myself to complete them, and I do apologize for this. My motivation has just plummeted because of something really horrible that happened to me a few months back, and I still haven't recovered from it. I might open my requests fully in a bit, but for now, they will remain closed. I hope you all understand. It's really more stress than it's worth, and at the end of the day? This blog is for me.

yet to come isn’t my fav bangtan song but it came on shuffle the other day and i remembered how good that song always makes me feel <3

found an apt i rlly like, was hoping to sign a lease today so that i can get in before its snatched up, but the lady i talked to said she was going to give my info to the leasing agent or w/e who would get in contact w me to tour it etc but now its been two hours and i’m like :p 

the good thing about the panthers winning is now i'll be perfectly happy with the final matchup no matter who wins the western conference