Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep.

Summary: Van Palmer longs for love in more ways than one. (A look into Van's relationship with love pre-Taivan and pre-crash)

A/N: I decided to say fuck it and post this kinda as a warm up since I haven't written anything in a while and I'm more than likely very rusty. Not sure I'm gonna stick with this title. I can't decide if i like her. also!! I'm working on a Taivan 5 +1 things fic so that should be out soon. As usual, feedback is always appreciated!

Ever since she was a kid, Van was always on the outside of love. It started with her mother who loved alcohol and men she barely knew more than her own daughter. Van longed for the kind of motherly love the kids at school got. They had moms who wrote notes reminding them that they were loved and showed up to class parties and school performances. Why couldn’t she have that? She thought that it had something to do with her, that maybe she was the problem and even though she knows better now, some small part of her still thinks that’s true. 

She watches her teammates and all of her other classmates get asked to dances and hold hands in the hallway. Jackie and Shauna often shared details of dates they’d been on and the team often talked openly about their latest hookups and crushes. Van’s mouth stayed shut during those conversations. It wasn’t like she could contribute anyway. The pool of lesbians in Wiskayok was small, and on the off chance that someone had caught her eye, she couldn’t out herself by sharing her feelings with her teammates. So she stayed out of conversations about romance and crushes. She didn’t ask about dates or who liked who. She looked down into her soccer bag and pretended to fold the jersey and practice clothes that she kept inside when the topic was brought up by someone else, but she listened. How could she not? When they talk about their romantic excursions, there’s a lot of squealing and giggling. 

Van always longed for the kinds of connections and experiences her friends had. She knew that realistically she’d never get them, due to her lack of interest in men, but she was used to being let down in the love department, so she tried not to let it bother her too much. She pushed those feelings down when they threatened to bubble to the surface and she had her disappointment mostly under control. Then Taissa transferred to Wiskayok High and Van’s “control” was toast.

Van first saw Taissa in her English class in sophomore year. It was a random Wednesday in October and Taissa sat right up front in the middle row. Van noticed her immediately and admired her boldness. She took a seat in her usual seat, one row away from the very back and as class started, she noticed that Taissa’s boldness didn’t stop with her seat choices. Her hand shot up every chance it got and her analysis of the short story they were studying was so in depth and fleshed out, Van couldn’t help but wonder if she had read it before. She didn’t introduce herself to Taissa in clas, but they spoke during soccer practice that afternoon, and from there they only got closer. 

Van could only describe her friendship with Tai as strange. Everyone knew they were best friends, as they were attached at the hip every moment they could be and to everyone on the outside, they were typical best friends. What they didn’t know was that they shared their fair share of cuddles, mainly in Taissa’s room as they watched T.V., and hand holding under the lunch table where no one could see, or tucked away on the bus going to soccer games. Taissa’s head often rested on Van’s shoulder and they always pushed their desks close together in class and wrote notes back and forth in Van’s notebook. 

Van knew that what they had was more intimate than just a friendship. Taissa was the person she felt closest to. She never felt that she had to be anyone but herself around her and just being hanging out with her made her smile a little wider. She thinks that this is what the love that she’s longed to experience is supposed to feel like, but she’s not sure. She doesn’t have much love in her life to compare it to. She can’t tell if this is what love is supposed to feel like or if her crush on her best friend and desire to experience what everyone else has is making her misjudge their friendship. 

Van keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t ask for clarification or a definition of their relationship, because this is the closest thing that Van’s ever felt to love and normal high school experiences and she’s worried that if she pushes too far and reveals what she is, she may lose it altogether. So she tells herself that the butterflies in her stomach are enough, feeling that love is within reach is enough, even though she can’t quite touch it. 

Van Palmer longs for a love that she’s certain she won’t ever get.

taivan is soo good because it starts off this secret wholesome queer first love, taissa is totally whipped, and then whoops there's a wolf and a funeral pyre but it's fine because it develops into a wholesome married couple who occasionally roams the woods at night because of the sleepwalking. van spells 'i <3 u' with her blood. tai is totally whipped of course- uhm what's that? oh yeah they go to the local pagan praying circle everyday to commune with the wilderness. because tai is totally whipped. "happy wife happy life" and all that. then there's the horrors, but it's necessity... right? taissa needs van. she's totally whipped after all. it's 25 years later. they haven't talked for god knows how long. yet taissa can only afford to trust herself with van even if it means being a burden. that doesn't mean she doesn't truly want her with all of herself. no time to unpack that, van is going to die for real this time. what's left to do if not play along with the pagan ritual once again if it means there's a chance of van making it. it turns sour. it costs them nat and the false sense of security they'd managed to regain in all those years. is it worth it? for van it was self preservation. for taissa...? well, she's totally whipped.