Mercs Thanksgiving Headcanons

Found Family is just as valid as blood and these mfs are HOMIES

Scout

Primary shit talker at the table while also somehow being the most incoherent about things.

Loves the feeling of being surrounded by people who kind of like him. It reminds him if home with his brothers and mom.

Passes out on the couch after eating a metric ton(2 plates and a fuck ton of mashed potatoes)

Soldier

Tries to cook, gets immediately kicked out of the kitchen.

Plays outside with the raccoons/already drunk people, absolutely gets into the inevitable politics fistfight on the side of AMERICA

Man eats his weight in turkey and then battles the calories off

Pyro

Happy to be here :)

They like being around in a holiday of togetherness and familial love, especially since they view the crew as family.

Helps Engie and Spy with the food prep, is actually surprisingly helpful and good at searing/flambe

Demoman

Is totally fine with people cooking dinner until he actually looks and starts backseat cooking.

Judgey drunk aunt energy lmao. This man comes for your THROAT at the table. "Oh ye ain't gotta girlfriend?? What happened to being God's gift to humanity??"

Probably the best advice giver, as long as you ignore his suggestion to take a swig of Dutch courage whenever you're scared.

Heavy

Secretly is absolutely enraptured with the idea to have a day surrounding family and friends.

Makes him a little sad that his mother and sisters aren't there, but he appreciates that Scout, Soldier, and Engie are over the moon about the tradition of dinner together.

Coddles the drunkards and is the cornerstone of the inevitable cuddle pile of tired sleepy men on the couch

Engineer

Heartwarming father energy ON GOD

You thought this man was southern then??? Hoo boy this man is the most gentlesouled cook in the kitchen. He's got all the southern tricks to get everyone at the table.

Glares at the fighting but playfully engages in light teasing. He dotes on Scout and Pyro a good bit as they remind him of his nephews back home.

Spy

Isn't a fan of the whole idea at all, but realizes it's important to most of the group so he joins in anyway.

He eats quietly and watches, the feeling is slightly uncomfortable being around all of the cheering joyfulness. He's not supposed to be here, he's a spy!

The last one awake, and with a little sigh he cleans the dishes, puts away the leftovers, and puts a blanket over the pile of mercenaries on the couch. It's nice when they're quiet.

Sniper

Surprisingly very happy (secretly) about the concept. He likes hanging out with the group, especially when he's allowed to space out in the general area of everyone without an obligation to talk.

Second to last asleep and offers to have a small campfire out back with Spy for a more quiet gesture. After all, he understood Spy's want to be quiet and just observe.

Finds the Scout-Demoman debates hilariously entertaining.

Medic

Is banned from the kitchen :(

This mf is megabanned from touching the food and drinks. Scout and Engie are hypervigilant about that. "NUH UH! NO SLIPPING STUFF IN THE TURKEY!"

Genuinely likes the banter but after a good half hour he gets a headache. He's the first to steal the couch to rest on, but probably the 3rd to fall asleep.

stinkabutt im on my hands and knees begging for somemore dickhouse chick content (if you want to<3)

yes i always want to i love getting asks nd reqs !! its like christmas nd i love dickhouse chick i have so many thoughts about her ! im horrible i promise i will think of actual headcanon things soon idk if these random things i do are okay or if y’all like them but im bad at thinking of specific scenarios/prompts so i am very open to reqs for that <3

i’ve said this before, but she goes by her last name almost exclusively. so much so that dave actually forgot her real name for a while

to casual fans she is the jackass girl .. but she prefers dickhouse chick

ik all my jackass girls are a mess, but she’s a mess in a different way. the mess that looks put together and has a nice, clean apartment but is one of those ppl who neglects herself. dry lips and doesn’t use chapstick, sleeps in her contacts, doesn’t brush her hair .. but she showers religiously and smells good

also shes that bitch to forget to eat :/ and when she does she’s picky .. loves soup tho. any kind. mostly she lives on caffeine and vodka

she’s fun and fits in but she is SO serious when it comes to work. as serious she can be working on jackass and big brother, anyway. when she’s focused writing or trying to get good footage, she does NOT want to be bothered

aside from that though, she’s surprisingly patient when everyone messes with her. especially because she can give it back even worse

she’s lowkey bossy LMAO

practically tremaine’s little sister. not in a sweet way, though. he will make her life hell if the mood strikes him. they’re just on the same wavelength and equally horrible. she’s better than him at persuading people to do stunts, though. and she’s smug about it.

not only one of the dickhouse founders, but a jackass founder. it would not be what it is without her because she is almost more horrible than the guys—but always has the solutions and irons out the kinks

skates casually but is more into the bmx stuff.

was always into photography, even when she was younger, but she was also always Herself so she didn’t focus on pretty things to photograph and just captured gnarly shit

but she WILL take photos of the guys. never posed or anything, always candids. she takes photos during filming and stuff ofc, but she has a stash of happy smiley photos of everyone because she cherishes them.

always says she’s too busy to have a pet and can’t even keep fish alive but she took in a stray cat who’s honestly kinda really mean but she always put out food for him and eventually he just walked into her apartment and refused to leave. he is her baby. she takes care of him more than she takes care of herself.

she ensures that all bits that could include costumes have costumes. she loves a good costume

in my brain, she has these giant hazel doe eyes that can melt people and by people i mostly mean mr pj clapp but he would never say that out loud (pontius, tremaine, dave, and preston totally see it tho)

not close to her family, they don’t really like what she’s doing with her life .. she doesn’t really give a shit, though.

thinks everyone is too hard on ehren and always sticks up for him. he might be a lil in love with her but she’s oblivious and thinks of him as a brother. poor guy

she’s kinda shy with new people tbh. it takes a lil bit to adjust to them—especially bam. she doesn’t like how he treats people and it took her a while to acknowledge that he can be alright sometimes

stephanie is her bestie. they’re like sisters <3

she had the idea for the valentine bit and it’s her favorite one

the best gift giver ever

loves the pacific northwest and lowkey wants to move there .. the downside is she would live in the same area as dave england

she once got very very drunk and cried because of how much she loves them all. she never heard the end of it. she also kissed steve that night. she REALLY never heard the end of that.

but usually when she’s drunk she’s just really chatty and fun and will try to do stunts .. a few of them were used in the show and movies.

Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.