Hehe

Crab day crab day crab dayyyy!!

today, on this varyingly chilly day of the twenty-fifth of december, we commemorate the death and roast of the blessed squawkcoo, laying the way for the noble chewbacca to realize the error of his ways and repent consuming porgkind. as the porg so loved to do with his brethren, we remember his sacrifice by sharing how much we enjoy each other's company...

alright, alright, alright, enough jokes! merry christmas, god jul, fröhliche weihnachten, and happy holidays to everyone on the dash from a shockingly snowy oklahoma! whether you're celebrating something today or eating chinese (or in one confirmed case, middle eastern) food, i hope you're having a wonderful day. you all bring me such joy through your presence, and i hope (as i'll inevitably forget someone) if you don't find yourself on here, you know i still deeply appreciate you. i laugh, i cry, i squeal almost every day, all because of you and your muses. you're all so supremely talented, and i adore everything you produce.

now, without further ado...

FRIENDS, CORELLIANS, SITH LORDS: LEND ME YOUR DROIDS

@graysistance / @lionthought / @commandsir / @greenscrunchy & your plethora of blogs which are starting to rival the number of mine — PUCK, you beautiful, wonderful, sweetheart of a saltdish, you've listened to the ups and downs of my year side by side with hackett, always finding the time to come up with a comforting or encouraging word. your kindness is the sort of thing people like to claim their friends have, but you truly possess it. i adore talking about history with you, spinning out context with so many subjects we speak of, let alone specifically the group wwii au. your support for my various crafting projects always brings a smile to my face. i love to see the things you fun and across, including your growing collection of legends books. i adore how you characterize each of your characters, giving them the depths of compassion and forethought that so many hold. your internal dialogue is absolutely stunning and our plots make me giggle hysterically.

@aniimvs / @scoundrvls / @honorhunt / @hellmartyr & your equally numerous blogs of which each is perfection — HACKETT, considering how intrinsically tied you and puck are in equal measure to my time on this hellsite, i wish i could you both side by side at the top of this list. sadly, this is not a tumblr feature..... yet. in this year of coding and dash tumult, you have soldiered on behind the scenes irl, kicking names and taking ass, while popping up to deliver exquisite pain, cause minor chaos, and be the saltmine you are. our discussions of just how bad a certain... pad.mé writing author's work is brings me life. your technical history knowledge is top notch and i adore all you bring to the wwii au so much, let alone the jp and lotr aus you and puck have worked on. you, more so than perhaps anyone i write with are the queen of establishing a setting. i always love seeing where you decide to set a not established location thread and to build off the descriptions you give for it. it lends an effortless star wars vibe to everything... let alone your depth for your grey and dark muses... *chef's kiss*!

@carnalstress — literal best friend, JESS!!!!! even though i've only managed to the once so far, i am SO happy that i live close enough for us to visit each more often, and i'm so glad you're back to writing on tumblr. you bring so much comfort and joy into my life with your conviction and your kind heart. i admire your dedication to your field even when things get tough and that you're trying to find new avenues in it. you are such a wonderful friend. and your cat is the cutest thing. i hope this next year is the best one yet!

@debelltio / @impostre — ALISTAIR, you are perhaps the newest friend amongst this section of the list, but you are no less dear. i love the subjects we have crossing over interests and experiences in, from living in multiple cultures, to law, to history, food and beyond. i've really loved getting to know you over the last few months, and you do such a lovely job with orson and all your muses. it is just a whole wonderful thing.

@colpapabear — annika! i love that we've written together for so so long and bonded over so many different things. i especially love the vintage clothing and knitting discussions we've had of late. they bring me so so much joy. watching you take leaps and bounds in both and produce such pretty things is the literal best.

@darkestshadeofgrey — listen, i neeeed to respond to our threads because every single one without fail is a plot i am wild for. your characterize your muses so interestingly and each is so very compelling. and even though i'm often late to respond, i ADORE the star wars tiktoks you send me, so often so much pain.

@heirite — i know you haven't been on for a bit, but i'm very much hoping you'll come back and see this! you are such a lovely friend, and i adore your ben to pieces. he brings me such joy, and with you off doing irl, i occasionally go back and read through your blog for that ben sky.walker goodness!

@notimminent — hey you! not that you've ever been truly gone but i'm so glad we've met up again. i can't wait to turn our plotting into threads for emma! you're a truly wonderful person and i'm so happy to have you back more regularly on my dash.

@acharnemcnt / @finaliseur— ame! i'm so very excited for some of the plots we're slowly working on and the threads we have in the works. you've also been so so kind. i very much enjoy your hux, and i'm thrilled about the new multi AND the ask blog AND rae. it's all so so cool!

@galaxycrxss / @hamadaxfighter — hey hey, i very much enjoy your clone squad. and the genius boy. watching you flesh out echo and hiro is a lovely thing, as well as hearing about all your ideas for the future!

@astraldestiny — listen, you adding winter hands down made my week! the plethora of legends characters you write never fails to bring me joy to see, and i enjoy writing and plotting with you so much. stay warm and i hope you enjoyed a christmas market! (next year when i go back, NEXT YEAR)

@multipleoccupancy — caraaaaaaaaa! no matter what you set your mind to on your multi or elsewhere, you do to perfection. it's been so lovely to write with you for so many years across so many genres and muses. our history threads will forever be my favorite!

@chokethelight — you you you, we haven't been able to write much this year, but whenever you pop in to say hello, or whatever version you decided to use that time, you bring a smile to my face! i hope 2023 is a better year for you. <3

@stillsails — i'm so glad to see you around again on tumblr! you've had so much happen!! i am so so so proud of/happy for you for all your accomplishments and milestones this year! keep being the lovely academic and wonderful writer you are.

@fasciinating — listen, whatever we're working on brings me much joy, and the friendship that spock and jaina are building is just lovely. plus, i've really enjoyed the headcanons you've written for that challenge, let alone your beautiful art!

to all those i really love writing and talking with but also hope todo more with this coming year:

@paramounticebound @gurrillero @fifthbornforrester @lunascientia @rubiesintherough @protectxthem @caedus @kylo-wrecked @keeve-trenniis @jaigalorad @mandogold @hopegained @ncxile @reawakcn @theysparked @becomelions @fatedtruths @vuulpecula @conniidel @withoutpeer @skjebne and everyone i inevitably missed, have the happiest of new years!

i am interested in your hades au, would you mind giving some details about it? 👁 it looks really interesting

[This AU is from these drawings!]

*cracks knuckles* Ok! I actually got enough sleep last night so I'm finally feeling up to explaining this au lmao

Also I hope that by “some details” you meant “way way too many” because I am nothing if not long winded. Also @hades-hellsite asked for context too, here you go

The central premise is that, after he dies, Achilles manages to make an arrangement with Hades that allows both him and Patroclus to stay in Elysium together. He's not employed to work at the house and he never becomes Zagreus's combat trainer.

Hades makes a few attempts to find Zagreus a different teacher among the shades of great warriors, but being skilled does not make someone able to teach. And being able to teach one way doesn't mean someone will be good for every student. When Zagreus doesn't learn well with the few mentors Hades tries, which he barely gives a chance to breathe anyway, he's quick to decide that he must have no martial ability and declares Zagreus a failure in that as he has about so many things.

This has two major effects on Zagreus before his escape attempts begin. One, without any chance to actually grow into aptitude in combat, he's left without anything substantial to put his energy into and, more importantly, he's left without anything he feels good at and that gives value to his efforts. Two is that, in Achilles' absence, very few people in the house give him any care and support untwisted by the politics of the house and the judgment of his father. There is Orpheus, kind to him before Hades locks him away for refusing to sing, Hypnos, willing to put the house to sleep so he can find the truth though jumbled up in his own problems, and Nyx.

Nyx is the only one to aid Zagreus when he decides to try to escape. She contacts Olympus and weaves careful lies to win their support and blesses his departure. She's also the only one who believes that Zagreus has the slightest chance of escaping. Already in canon, most everyone tells him there no way he'll make it out, but here, it's so much worse. He doesn't know how to fight, his initial attempts are pitiful and his progress negligible, and near everyone lashes out at him to get back in line and stop making things worse.

He doesn't even have the Infernal Arms. Achilles is the one who brings them to him in canon; here Zagreus takes a simple bronze sword from one of the house's many displays of weapons from wars long past. He thanks the Fates that the Styx restores it the same way it does his body when he dies because he nicks and dulls the edges every time.

Despite all the disadvantages, Zagreus throws himself into escaping with unshakable determination, bone deep stubbornness. He picks up his sword and will figure out how to use it himself. Experience will be his teacher. He dies over and over and he watches his enemies and learns how they move and how he must react, mimicking their attacks for his own use and adjusting and adjusting after each failure. And contrary to Hades' adamant belief, Zagreus is very intelligent and learns brilliantly when allowed to and he grows stronger and stronger.

There's no teacher more savage than experience in something like this, though. The pursuit is agonizing and the cost is enormous and adjusting to this ceaseless violence feels impossible.

Much of my interest in this idea is how the added strain on his circumstances and relationships affects Zagreus and his mental state. At his best, Zag looks a lot like he does in canon, with his laurels unfurled and vibrant, and his feet glowing hot, but he rarely feels his best here. His laurel leaves curl in dry and crisp, muted like the leaves of autumn. Flakes of ash and soot build up over his legs and encase more and more as he suffers. So deep is his feeling of failure and being trapped that it affects him physically.

Not always, though. His flames respond to his emotions, burn brighter in his passion. Enthusiasm, love, fervor, bliss, anger set him glowing.

After a brutally drawn out span of time, Zagreus meets Achilles and Patroclus in Elysium and tbh, the rest of my interest is really in how the altered circumstances change the evolution of their relationships with each other. The pair of warriors were never separated for an extended time and Achilles is less downtrodden and resigned and Patroclus is less bitter and abrasive when Zagreus stumbles upon them.

They don't fight him, which Zagreus counts among his greatest blessings, although Achilles still seems to have an interest. It makes him twitchy and he jumps when Achilles finally lifts his spear and swings it around in his third time in their little glade only to bump the flat of the blade against elbow and tell him to keep it in more towards his body. Zagreus blinks rapidly at him before adjusting his arm.

Achilles helps him here and there, tips and tricks and valuable advice, but he never gives anything near the thorough instruction he did in canon. On one hand, he doesn't need to. Zagreus is a self made fighter and it leaves him with weaknesses but it is also a powerful thing. He is unpredictable and incredibly adaptable and he only continues to improve.

On the other hand, there's no room for it. Achilles is gentle with his guidance, but Zagreus is rubbed raw by all the fighting he's done and all that still depends on it. He doesn't want to always focus on the weapon in his hands. Patroclus notices and curbs Achilles' input when it exceeds its bounds. He sits aside and observers carefully when they spar. Zagreus doesn't need another's direction which is fine by him, who's lost all desire for combat. He gives his aid through his assortment of trinkets that carry Zagreus further to the surface.

Zagreus barely knows what to do with himself in the face of their care. He's so unaccustomed to such generous and genuine support, interest devoid of expectation or blame. As familiarity between the three of them grows, their interactions grow warmer, more tender and comfortable. Their care lays on a foundation, not a hinge, and Zagreus grapples with understanding that he really can lean on it. It all leaves him so uncertain yet so desperate because he wants more than anything to have joy and conversation and company with others where he doesn't shoulder heavy guilt from unspoken accusations over his escaping the house and to have a place he feels he belongs without being an intrusion.

He does at first believe he's intruding, though. Intruding on their time together in the peace of Elysium. It takes them time to convince him that they value his presence immeasurably. The opportunity to stay together in the Underworld has been invaluable for Achilles and Patroclus, but the peace of Elysium is a deceptive thing. It wears away and prickles at them, pressing down in odd warping ways. Patroclus is beyond pleased to have the war behind him and that it can never force him to fight again, and despite Achilles retaining an interest in competition and combat, he does feel the same way. Having a cause though, something to believe in and worth devoting their efforts towards... They didn't realize how deeply they missed it until Zagreus. It is revitalizing. They thrive in his genuine, boundless kindness and long to support him.

The drawings of Orpheus arguing with Hades and Zagreus fighting with Nyx is from one of my plot point ideas. Later down the line, together, Hades, Persephone, and Nyx agree to forbid Zagreus from seeing Achilles and Patroclus at Nyx's behest. Similarly to how she talks about Dusa in canon, she sees mortal shades as beneath his station and that it's highly unbecoming for the prince to be consorting with them. Zagreus fights against the idea ferociously and is only smothered by the threat that, if he seeks them out anyway, Hades will void Achilles' agreement and have Patroclus moved to the proper plane of the Underworld.

It crushes Zagreus. He loves them and cares about them so much and being torn apart from them is a wound that cuts so deep. But even more than that, what breaks him open most, is the fact that it came from someone he cared for and trusted most. Nyx was the one person in the House he could depend on most and this betrayal at her hand is devastating. And for such a worthless reason as propriety and godly vanity. It's not her place to force those upon him. It hurts Zagreus to the core.

Orpheus is the only one willing to stick up for him in this, deeply empathetic to the grief of being separated from loved ones and well acquainted with the fact that such punishments will only damage, never correct. After all, his stint of punishment in Erebus didn't revive his desire to sing, it was Zagreus's dedication and vibrancy that did that. One of the many invaluable gifts Zagreus gave him, including reuniting him with Eurydice, making him happier than he'd been since her death. Orpheus can't keep biting his tongue when all these gods refuse to see any of this.

It all comes to a head dramatically and painfully and I've thought of a few variations on how it would play out. I'll leave it for now though, I might draw it or write it later >:3c  Also this got really long lol. Hopefully the idea is at least somewhat interesting!

And here, have the lines from these two drawings because I like the way they look

So after the spate of high-profile celebrity suicides recently, and the short-lived discussion of mental health that surrounds them (kind of like the way the gun control debate appears for a week after a mass shooting and then vanishes), I have had some probably disconnected thoughts that I finally felt like putting down somewhere (and honestly, I had most of this post typed up and then tumblr deleted it, so... round two and Fuck You Very Much Tumblr). I briefly thought about putting it on facebook, but a) fuck facebook, I’m barely on it anymore, and b) everyone that I care about is either or also here. So I guess it’s once more using the big blue hellsite as a diary, because I was awake until 1am last night talking to myself about this, and writing is how I work things out.

As ever, please do not feel obliged to read the post or whatever else, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the themes/subjects discussed. Again, it’s essentially for my own benefit and trying to organize things I’ve wanted to say, as a long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety who is also having a really tough time now, and how I see that reflecting on what’s happening both with me and the wider world.

Anyway.

I feel like my main reaction is one of weariness that so much of the response is “get help if you’re struggling! Reach out! Call someone! Things will get better!” Which is... helpful in its way, and I genuinely believe that the people reblogging suicide hotline numbers and “don’t kill yourself” posts and so on really want to help. I am not one to point fingers at anyone who really wants to reach out and do something to make a difference. But that’s also it? We’re barely getting to the place of recognizing depression as a legitimate problem and not stigmatizing people who have it (hah), but to me, it sounds so much like “well, I know you have two broken legs and can’t stand upright, but you should still go walk to the clinic and ask them to help you.” Again. Important. But why is so much of it centered around the assumption that the depression sufferer has the responsibility to go on an individual basis and try therapy or meds or whatever, while the mental health services that even exist are being slashed? While some people seem perfectly happy to talk about how mental health is the problem, and not readily legal assault rifles and a culture of white male entitlement and grievance), and the assumption remains that we can just treat depression on an individual, ad hoc basis, rather than looking at it systematically.

We’ve had a ton of studies and research showing that depression rates are way up, that a lot of people identify as having anxiety and mental issues and are messed up out the wazoo (which frankly, I think most of us are), and then the attendant “everyone’s a snowflake, buck up and take it on the chin!” backlash, because frankly the world is horrible and society sucks. (This opinion is sometimes subject to revision, but still.) Honestly, is this any surprise? When we’re in collapsing late-stage capitalism that has basically utterly fucked everyone born after 1980, we live in this awareness that things are systematically and unbearably evil and oppressive but the vast majority of us have no ability to do anything about that, and birth rates and marriage rates are declining because people (completely understandably) don’t want to bring children into this nightmare of a world and are realizing that traditional ideals of marriage and sexual morality are BS.... I mean, are we surprised that people just don’t want to live in this world anymore? When I find myself worrying about the idea of taking on another student loan (another of the basic commodities that it has become expected that you’ll go tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for) and then am like, “well, there’s a less than zero chance that Western civilization collapses in my lifetime/the next ten years, and I’m going to die in debt anyway, so...”, there’s a sense of surreality and almost despondency that we’re able to know more than ever how shitty things are, but again, can’t do anything about it. Again. We can’t fix depression by telling people individually to go try therapy or whatever else. It doesn’t get at the reasons that so many of us just can’t stand the world anymore.

I feel like I’ve settled well on my belief that people, even if often beholden to centuries-old bullshit and tribalism and prejudice, are individually good, often amazingly and soul-sustainingly so (I’m not joking when I say that I would probably be dead by now if not for the kindness of strangers and friends, including many of you who I’ve met here), but society and the overall structure is pretty much rotten. We find ways to manage, to exist, to ameliorate, to distract, and I am honestly delighted for the people who can live more or less happy existences despite everything, have found a way to do that. Again, this isn’t a “don’t go to therapy!!” sort of post, because yes, if you’re depressed, you have to decide whether and how you want to get better. But sometimes you just can’t fucking do that. You just exist this way and you know how it is and it becomes sort of familiar and accounted for. 

I’m lucky to be a mostly high-functioning sufferer, who has lived with long-term and chronic depression and anxiety since at least the age of 18 (and probably, through most of my childhood as well), which has left me latently suicidal, physically fucked up, mentally exhausted, and emotionally isolated for my entire adult life. But I’ve also managed to hold jobs and complete several advanced degrees and get out of bed and put on makeup and keep my commitments and so on and otherwise outwardly resemble a normal person. So I then read posts about people who can’t get out of bed or even brush their teeth, and I start wondering if I “really” have depression or it’s just an excuse or I’m a weak person or just broken somehow else. Which is 0% helpful and is the bad brain talking, as I recognize. Looking at me from the outside, it feels like you wouldn’t guess, which also seems to be a theme with the celebrities who died. They always seemed happy and well put together and confident, until they didn’t. I turn 30 this August, and feel about 800.

And yet. I have made the choice to live, and I have continued to make the choice, and I have learned that I have a lot of strength I didn’t know I did, and I am proud of that. But I also read a post by someone I otherwise admire and whose work I really like, about how you can’t ever have the life you want until you take suicide off the table as an option, as if you can just choose once to live and not think about it again. And I just am like... how? I’ve made it before and I’ll have to do it again, but god, I wish with my entire heart that I could just make it once and not look back. I wish I could ever be confident that I could say without qualification that I want to live more than I want to die. Because well, I DON’T want to die, not really. I find things that make me happy and that give me small joys and distract me and which I enjoy. I still have a lot of things I want to do (even while feeling I won’t get the chance) and feel like it would be stupid to die because my brain doesn’t work. So I’m still here. I’ve never made a serious attempt to kill myself, and I obviously hope that doesn’t change. But it remains in the back of my head, the idea that I just wish I could switch off for five years and come back and find that things have somehow worked out. Which obviously is not the way it works, and you don’t get to temporarily go away. But this world is so hard and so tiring to live in, and sometimes it gets to me.

As for the getting help part -- I’ve been trying to do that myself recently. Go to counselling services and the university support centre and whatever else, even though it causes me anxiety to the point of physically messing me up. It feels like being drunk or hungover or just off balance and unable to see or breathe normally. I convulse in bed at night and wake up just as tired when I went to sleep and just don’t feel like I run correctly. And this is from a relatively high-functioning person who isn’t trying to stop herself (at least currently) from suicide, but just enough to keep her going. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person depressed to the point of being unable to get out of bed, told to call someone or reach out or whatever else. That’s practically inhumane. We live, for better or worse, in a Western “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture that puts the onus on the individual to fix their own problems. When honestly, the collective society that exists right now is a toxic, oppressive, and impossible one that keeps chewing up people from every walk of life and which nobody with the actual ability to do anything about it seems to want to change. Encouraging individuals with depression to seek help is nice, sure. But until something fundamentally and permanently changes in society and how we view our obligations to each other and what we are willing to do to help and to change this culture that tells you you’re responsible for your own illness, people are going to keep dying from depression in droves, and everyone else is just going to figure we’re weak. Or there will be a short-lived mental health awareness campaign, and nice things will be said, and then it will be back to business as usual.  Because man, are we good at burying our heads in the sand for any number of things.

The choice to live doesn’t usually have the luxury of being made once and then never revisited. You have to do it yearly, monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily. And frankly, I don’t blame anyone who feels that the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t really add up to staying here anymore. I’m here certainly in part because of you here on tumblr, who have indirectly (and sometimes directly) saved my life. You have talked with me on text or email or in person for years, have read my fics and thought of things you wanted to tell me and sent me nice messages and otherwise made me feel less invisible. Your kindness has been often what has sustained me, and made me decide that I’d rather be here than anywhere else, and given me what little faith in humanity I have left. And one of the reasons I write all the time (books/fics/asks/metas/papers/theses/projects...etc) is because I literally cannot stand to live in my own head if I don’t. I do love creating things and am happy that people enjoy what I post here, and it’s a major source of pleasure and distraction for me. But I also do it because I will literally cease to function (in what limited capacity I have) if I don’t. I have to do it in order to live with myself and this monster at all, and that is also tiring. 

Overall, we’re all fucked-up people with a very dark sense of humor, whose compassion and conscience is about all we have going for us, and we just have to try to cling together and do for each other what we can. And god, I’m grateful for it. I have a lot of financial terror right now in addition to everything else, and am looking into the aforementioned student loan for short-term stabilizing (limited work rights are a Bitch), and I basically paid my rent last month because of you guys. So yeah, you’ve made the difference for a stranger on the internet being homeless or not, and I have no idea why, but please know that it means more to me than I can ever say, and I hope to give back what I can.

(I also still have a Kofi account, while I’m trying to get things under control here, so... again, entirely up to you.)

I’m not sure how I will make it to December and (supposedly, ha) my PhD graduation, let alone after that. I will probably have to choose to live again several more times between now and then, and then again after that. I hope I can continue to do that. And I hope I can talk to you, both if you need someone to listen and whatever I can do for you by that, and if I do the same.

If you’ve read all the way to the bottom, mazel tov. 

BABY’S BIRTHDAY

@rosesparkes​ 🌹

OKAAAY it’s finally nov 6th in New Jersey (i think?) SO it means................................................. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ANGEEEELL!!! omg another year w/ you let’s celebrate this cause hm.. HELLO TO MY FIRST EVER FRIEND ON THIS WHOLE DAMN HELLSITE!! 

baby, you’re the cutest human being and you deserve everything beautiful this earth has to offer, you’re kindhearted, outgoing, bubbly and god knows we all need a Marissa in our lives (yes yes we dooo and this is fact, like doctors should all prescribe a Marissa) cause you’re seriously a little gem. I remember being here knowing nothing about tumblr, and you welcomed me w/ open arms showing me how the whole thing worked and you were my friend, my tutor haha and I’m really glad of the path this friendship took and look at us now, speaking about our projects and being supportive of each other, honestly I couldn’t be thankful for you and you need to know that I cherish everything we’ve ever been through, together or seperated cause NOW LOOK AT US, THE GRANDMAS OF TUMBLR LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

ONCE AGAIN BABE HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND MAY THIS YEAR (2022 CAUSE HM BEING BORN AT THE END OF THE MONTH IS LIKE COMPLICATED TO WISH U A HAPPY YEAR BUTTTTT MAY 2022 BRING YOU LUCK, JOY AND FULL ACCOMPLISHEMENT, PLEASE NEVER LOSE YOUR SMILE & SPIRIT CAUSE YOU’RE PRECIOUS AS YOU ARE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK  🌕

Léa. ♡

I wanted to publish/answer the asks I got because of the bullying thing because they made me emotional and I’m really grateful to you guys. like, genuinely, I was overwhelmed by the support that day, and I’m feeling 100x better about the whole thing now.

Anonymous said:

I’m so sorry you went through that! I haven’t had a tumblr in literal years but after TLJ came out I somehow found your blog through Pinterest and wound up creating a new one because I admired you so much and wanted to follow you lol. Keep doing what you’re doing, and thank you for being so cool and like a beacon of positivity

holy shit, this is such a nice message. ;_; I’m so happy you like my blog, and I hope you have fun. I actively work and concentrate on being positive when sometimes I might not want to be, and I’m not perfect, so I’m glad that it at least comes through in a noticeable way.

morphinepudding said:

Confession: you're the only blog on this hellsite I've been following for years, since it seems we both love scar-faced, emotional, broken men with ominous masks and a soft spot for (not so) vulnerable little birds. I am a silent lurker outside of my art posting but know how much I appreciate your insight, your humor and your tags, and how I audibly squealed when you reblogged my latest piece since your posts were such an inspiration for it. Never let them bring you down.

this message made me burst into tears at my grandma’s house when I got it in my inbox. I adore your art so much, whenever I go to your page I have to like clutch at my heart with the emotions they give me. When I saw your latest piece, I was overwhelmed with like ‘oh my gosh, this is so relevant to my interests, how did they know???’ I genuinely felt like my heart was being read. My posts were an inspiration for it??? oh my god, I thought it was just because of Wayward Jedi’s videos or something and we were mutual fans of the theory ;______________; 

hahah, I’m tearing up again.. good to meet you after so many years

Anonymous said:

As someone whose not a reylo shipper I’ve always loved seeing your analyses of the scenes and what it means for the ship because it makes me happy to see you happy; to see thousand upon thousands of other fans happy. I like to do the same exact thing for my ships (like I’m a fan of finnrey) I can not stand those anti posts about reylo. Literally why on earth am I going to hate something that brings someone else joy and is not causing harm to anyone. I hope you continue loving what you love ♥️

This ask gives me so much hope. This is like, my goal, to just effing talk about stuff that makes me happy and draw people to me who like to talk about the things that make them happy. I actually love following blogs of people just talking about their interests, even if I know nothing about them. I’m glad my posts are a positive and not annoying to you, because I genuinely adore Finnrey. I think it’s literally only that I’m so married to certain extremely specific tropes that made me ship reylo more. And I’m just utterly annoyingly myopic about stuff until I feel like I’ve ‘figured it out.’

Anonymous said:

I love your Reylo metas!! It's a real shame that some in the tumblr Star Wars community are so closed minded and think it's cool to bash and make fun of viewpoints and interpretations that are different than theirs. Your posts are so well thought out and articulate. I am glad you are not deterred by the haters, and wish you well.

Thank you!! It was so fuckin bizarre to me because I don’t even mind being disagreed with. for a minute, I was almost like ‘why didn’t anyone I know tell me politely that I was writing foolishness?’ but then I realized it was all just middle schooler bullshit and bad takes. Thanks so much...

Anonymous said:

This is a fan who loves your blog and meta and interests!!! I’m sorry you have to deal with antis but I think you’ve really touched on something that I relate to in terms of the male characters I’m interested in as a heterosexual in theory but rarely in practice female. We are both interested in raw, emotional, flawed male characters and I think that’s just fine. Screw everyone else and do you! You’re fantastic. Sorry, this is a tired rambling late night ask haha

God, thank you. Like, this whole blog is me trying to figure out why I’m interested in these emotional male characters, especially in terms of my sexuality and gender, and I’m glad the wild stabs in the dark resonated with someone else in any way. “we are both interested in raw, emotional, flawed male characters and I think that’s just fine” BEAUTIFUL, I want ‘’and I think that’s just fine’’ tattooed on me. I feel like I’m constantly thinking ‘it’s not fine’ because this site’s culture gets to me sometimes, and having to shake myself out of it. This site is hell on earth.

Anonymous said:

I saw that stalking post & the bullying post. Someone I used to chat w/ (I left the Solas fandom & Tumblr about 2 years ago) was completely delighted by it & participated.For what it's worth,she is an incredibly miserable person who hates herself, her body, her family, her boyfriend.Everything/everyone. It's nothing about you, it's these sad people who would rather tear others down because it's easier than building themselves into better people who make genuine & sincere connections w/ others.

It makes me uncomfortable to think that someone who knew me from Dragon Age was enjoying this, cause like... man. That’s worse. I thought I had a relatively good reputation, so that’s kind of sad to me. I guess I’m falling for the fallacy of thinking ‘if I behave well enough x won’t happen to me.’ I don’t understand the draw of being so negative, but I hope someday they can self-reflect and figure stuff out.

Anonymous said:

what i don't understand about a lot of antis on this site is why they have to be so mean. look, i have characters i dislike and ships i dislike and if someone asks me about why i dislike them i'll tell them but otherwise why would i actively seek out things i don't like? i stay away. instead people have to mock and act like child bullies. we are just trying to enjoy, they are the miserable ones. don't need to publish this but just want you to know there are people that appreciate you.

Thanks, I have no idea either. I think getting worried and interfering about what other women are doing or interested in sexually is a thing people start doing when they feel powerless in other parts of their lives. The whole thing is pretty transparent because you just don’t see this kind of patronizing moral policing on websites populated by mostly men. Anyway, it always feels nice to have a Holy Crusade to believe in, and feel like you’re protecting children and doing good. Even if you’re not doing anything productive, it still feels great and the rush of moral superiority is addictive.

Anonymous said:

i like the assertions from people that folks use too much freudian stuff in talking about analysis in film and talk about how it's discredited and, ok sure but if people took a few film theory classes they'd find themselves running into freudian theory an awful lot in the context of, well, most films and especially hollywood films. (this is about tlj specifically though)

Yeah, like, it’s deliberately used in symbolism in movies. Full stop. Nothing more to discuss.

reinaben said:

Hey, corseque, you rock and you were right! I'm so happy today I'm bouncing like Adam on that gif. I remember reading some of your posts tagged #shitty wizards after TFA and wondering maybe she likes Kylo Ren? because he is like the shittiest wizard ever. I was so happy when you started posting meta about Star Wars, I still am. Anyway, I'm sorry to bother you and I'm sorry that the antis were assholes. Have a nice day!

Kylo Ren is such a #shitty wizard and I have loved him from day one. It’s just that this website is such a bad one that I was convinced not to post about the boi. Part of the reason why I’ve been posting So Much in like a flood is like... I was censoring myself for 2 years, so there’s a lot to catch up on. Glad you enjoyed my transition to Star Wars <3