#sucks to realize you were getting fed garbage and internalizing it
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I feel like people going "I can't believe you watched Somerton for so long, couldn't be me" are missing the obvious point (everyone is fallible), but are also missing the bigger picture? Which is that a lot of younger queer folk are going to have to now deal with intense internalized misogyny and arguably, homophobia. Somerton positioned himself as an authority figure, and they trusted his word.
Telling these people they were BAD for falling into those pitfalls isn't going to like. Help them unlearn that shit? Being awful to people isn't really all that conducive to change, especially one that's tied in deeply with cultural norms.
I think there's a fine line between helping people realize their issues and making it clear to people who are cruel on purpose that that shit won't fly. Maybe we mind where we stand on that line with this.
#hbomberguy#james somerton#idk man. I just don't think yelling at people for being wrong is going to encourage them to listen and learn better.#if you liked somerton sorry#sucks to realize you were getting fed garbage and internalizing it#you aren't a worse person for it
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Hypothetically | Chapter 16-20
summary: Reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast.
friends to lovers, case of the week style story
A/N: Set between seasons 4 and 6, not following canon. all original crimes based on real-life stories.
Warnings 18+: Murderers, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Blood, Guns, mentions of autopsy, Fluff, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, bed-sharing, Riding, Unprotected Sex, Virgin Reader, Case of the Week, original crimes, Food mention, Smut, Oral Sex, Light BDSM, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Talk, obgyn appointments and info, Home Invasion, Past Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Emotional Manipulation, Grooming, Pedophilia mention, non-con oral (male receiving), Pregnant Sex, Daddy Kink, Breeding Kink, Homophobia, conversion therapy
Word Count: 10k
chapter 16
It was 7 am when they got the call. Y/N had barely gotten any sleep that night, Spencer was adamant that laying on the left side helps maximize blood flow. Meaning she faced the wall all night with him happily cuddled into her back. She hated it.
Between peeing 100 times a day and the constant heartburn, she couldn’t really pick the worst part about creating a human.
It fuckin’ sucked and no one thought to warn her.
She dragged herself out of bed, trying her best to do her morning routine with only one eye open. Spencer, on the other hand, seemed to bounce out of bed like he slept 12 hours. Dancing around the kitchen as he poured his coffee and took a smoothie out of the fridge for Y/N.
He fed the cat, changed the litter and even took out the garbage by the time she pulled herself from the bathroom and to her closet.
Her jeans didn’t fit, she let herself take a minute to cry out of frustration in the closet before she looked for anything presentable. The only pants she could get into were a pair of leggings, and at that point, she didn’t care anymore. She was probably going to stay back with Penelope anyway.
She threw on an FBI sweater to hide her bump from the rest of her co-workers, grabbed the rest of her shit and followed Spencer to the car. Getting in the passenger seat and immediately closing her eyes again.
“Wake me up when we’re at Quantico,” she told him. Leaning against the window, ignoring the world.
Maternity parking was the only bonus, she only had to walk 4 feet from her car to the elevator. She felt lazy, but she was allowed to.
“Hopefully,” Spencer finally spoke to her as they entered the elevator. “At the end of this week, your energy should return as your placenta is done developing. You’re the most tired right now because your organs are working 3 times harder than they’re used to.”
“I’m tired because I had nothing to cuddle with all night, but thanks for the insight,” she tried her best to be cheery.
The door dinged, opening to the rest of the team standing in the entryway. “What’s up?” Y/N asked them.
“Hotch got a call, we’ve got a weird one coming in, he’s in his office talking to someone right now,” Morgan said. He looked just as tired as Y/N.
“Are we going in?” She asked, walking past them and towards the bullpen.
She rushed through the room and waddled up the stairs, searching for a chair before she actually passed out. Everyone followed her soon after, patting her back as they walked around the table to their seats.
“Over the past few months 6 feet have washed up on different beaches along the coast of Maine,” Penelope started explaining the case while Hotch was still on the phone in his office.
“6 feet belonging to 6 different people, all incredibly hard to identify. Interpol, Europol, the RCMP and the FBI have all been in communication with each other as no one knows where the feet washed in from. International Water laws prohibit just one of us from taking jurisdiction until we identify the nationality of the victims.”
“How are we going to Identify the feet?” Prentiss asked.
“We’re currently running the DNA against missing persons along the east coast as well as anyone who recently travelled to North America by boat, so far we don’t have any matches. We do know all 6 feet are white so hopefully, hopefully,” Garcia repeated for extra magic help, “this isn’t a refugee transport gone wrong.”
“We’ve been seeing an increase of boating accidents from Syrian refugees recently,” Spencer added. “The wars in the middle east are continuing to push people from their homes in mass numbers, meaning a lot of the boats are overpacked and capsize mid extraction.”
“So we’re probably looking at someone from North America who is using their own boat to sail out and release victims,” Y/N added. “Do we have the ME reports on the 6 feet?”
“Oh, yeah,” Garcia said, flipping through papers and handing them to her.
She read it over carefully, trying to see through her new blurred vision. Another wonderful pregnancy symptom. “Normally when feet wash up on shore, they’re in shoes. If a body is lost in a boating accident or drowning, the rubber soles will always want to float to the surface. When a body is decaying in water long enough the bones will separate, and when the ankle bone goes, the feet float to the surface,” Y/N explained.
“How do you just know that?” Rossi asked.
“In Nevada, we had a lot of drownings in a man-made lake, people would get stuck at the bottom on tree roots. And every year a few feet would wash up,” she added. “I only explained that because it says in the ME report that the feet were cut with a sharp blade, all clean cuts with no shoes or socks. So someone is cutting these bodies up and bringing them out to sea, probably to use as bait for a big catch.”
“It’s weird to me that the feet are the only parts washing up?” JJ’s face was absolutely puzzled as she flipped through the files.
“Not really,” Y/N argued, “I’m more concerned with why he’d even cut the feet, to begin with. With most shark attacks they go for full limbs, if I was the unsub and I was cutting the body up for bait, I wouldn’t make the pieces so small. There isn’t enough blood or flesh on feet to entice a large fish or shark to take it.”
Rossi was tapping his fingers against the table, “Do you think he wants us to find the feet?”
“I’m not sure, but it doesn’t look good.”
Then, Hotch finally walked in. “Which 3 of you want to travel to Maine to take a look at all the findings?” Prentiss, Morgan and Rossi raised their hands, “alright, meet me on the runway in 20. The rest of you, find a way to identify the feet.”
—
She sat at her desk most of the morning, munching on a bag of animal crackers to keep her nausea at bay. JJ brought her a cold ginger ale around 11, rubbing her back for a bit while she flipped through files.
She had a doctor’s appointment during lunch that day, so she headed downtown to give blood in the hour she was permitted. Knowing that she could be late and no one would really care.
She waited in Dr. Korrapati’s room patiently, looking at her arm as she rested it on the table. Her veins were more prominent now than they had ever been in her life. JJ insured her that they would go back down but it did make her a little self-conscious.
“Hey mama,” Dr. Korrapati cheered as she walked into the room. “How are we feeling?”
“Good, tired but good.”
“Work kicking your butt?” She asked as she prepped her arm for the blood draw. “Or just the baby?”
“Having a hard time finding a comfortable sleeping position, I’m probably going to get one of those long pillow things to help,” she rambled to take her mind off what was going on with her arm.
For someone who looked at dead bodies as her job, seeing her own blood freaked her out. Dr. Korrapati noticed she was a little stressed, “how about when I’m done here we take a look at your little person?”
That piqued her interest, she sat completely still and looked away as the nicest doctor she could’ve asked for, got the test over and done with, in record-breaking time.
“Do you have any other symptoms that are bothering you?” She asked as she wrote the exact tests down in her paperwork.
“Yeah,” she struggled with the sleeve of her shirt as she tucked her arm back in. “The nausea is driving me nuts, I’m living on animal crackers and ginger ale.”
“If you eat small meals every few hours it should settle it out,” she explained. “But if it is really bothering you we can give you some anti-nausea medication.”
“I tried that, everyone keeps bringing me snacks and trying to take care of me but I don’t want anything because I’m so tired,” she ranted as she climbed onto the exam table.
“Have you tried sleeping on the other side of the bed?” She asked.
“no, why?”
Dr. Korrapati laughed, “you sleep on the left side of the bed right?”
“Yeah?” She questioned, wondering how an OB could profile so well.
“So I'm assuming your smart and overprotective boyfriend has advised you to lay on your left side like he told JJ?” She smiled. “And because you sleep on the left side of the bed already, that means you’re not cuddled into him. He’s the big spoon now and you hate it.”
It was like a lightbulb went off in her head, “oh my god?”
They laughed at the fact it was so obvious and she never clued in. “It happens all the time, you’re so in a routine that you don’t realize you can just switch sides and it’ll work.”
“You’re so smart!”
“Ready to hear and see this baby of yours?” She asked, waiting for Y/N to raise her shirt and lower her leggings to expose her lower stomach.
“Can we?”
“Yep,” she nodded, “you’re in week 9, so you’re exiting the embryo stage and moving towards the fetal stage. We’ll be able to see the fetus and hear the heartbeat.”
“Can I record it for Spencer?” She asked, not wanting him to miss it.
“I’ll do you one better and put it on a disk for you.”
Just like that, she was smothering her stomach in warm jelly. Spreading it around with the ultrasound wand before she began to search for them. Pressing in slightly on her right side, she heard her own heartbeat whooshing. The closer she got to the centre, the more they heard the second.
Her baby’s heartbeat was strong. She saw them on the monitor, they had changed from being a jellybean to actually looking like a person. 4 strong limbs were stretching and moving, growing faster than she thought possible.
“That’s insane?” She was in such awe of it, “when will I feel the kicking and stuff?”
“In a few more months, they’re only the size of a green olive. You’ll probably feel it around Christmas?” She guessed. “You’ll be 16 weeks around then.”
“Wow okay,” she was just astounded by the magic of growing a child, she felt like absolute shit but it all made sense at that moment. In just a week, muscles and limbs formed and her baby grew the ability to self-soothe in the womb. Growing 10 fingers and toes that they already knew how to put in their mouth.
She cleaned the gel off Y/N’s stomach and began exporting the files for her. “So, I will call you when the results are in, and I can just email you guys a copy and go over it with you on the phone when you’re free? I know your job is unpredictable?”
“That would be perfect, thank you. We’re working on an international case right now so for all I know I’ll be in Ireland next week,” She laughed.
“Of course, take care of yourself make sure you’re taking all the vitamins and having 8 cups of clear fluids a day, you have to stay hydrated.” Dr. Korrapati handed her the disk in a sleeve as well as her contact card.
“Yes ma’am, I can’t wait to hear from you,” she smiled before leaving the office.
—
Y/N walked back into the BAU around 1:15, wandering down the hall to Penelope’s office to get a rundown of what she missed.
Spencer and JJ had the same idea, all turning towards the door as Y/N walked in, “hey.”
“How was it?” Spencer asked softly, beckoning her to his lap.
She sat down on him softly, “I got a DVD copy of the ultrasound.” She waved the disk around. “But, we can’t watch it until I get a rundown on what we know so far.”
“I hate how professional you are sometimes,” Penelope huffed. “Luckily, it is very important.”
“We matched a tattoo on one of the feet to a missing person’s case in Nova Scotia. So we focused our efforts on missing person’s cases who fit the same features and backgrounds as her,” JJ explained.
“Okay cool, who was she?”
“Andrea Carlton, 18. She was hitchhiking, apparently wanting to run away to meet her boyfriend in Newfoundland. I traced her transactions before she disappeared and it looks like she bought a ferry ticket, however, there are no reports of her ever getting on it,” Penelope added. “So I’ve looked into other people from Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick and Newfoundland, who went missing hitchhiking or after booking a ferry ticket.”
“Smart, how many matches did we get?”
“5,” She laughed.
“You’re kidding?”
They all shook their heads, “nope. And we were able to match all the feet to them.”
Y/N handed the ultrasound video over to Penelope. “Your reward.”
She snatched it from her hands so fast, taking it out of the packaging and shoving it in her CD port. Loading the file within seconds.
She watched Spencer’s face the whole time. Already having seen the footage herself, knowing the real show would be his reaction.
He was so mesmerized, his eyes blown up in awe as tears welled. His grip on her leg was more intense, he was squeezing along to the beat of the baby’s heart, absentmindedly. He shook his head in disbelief, that was his baby in there.
The phone rang before they could really talk about it, Hotch requesting the team hop on a plane and meet them in Nova Scotia. The RCMP and the FBI have taken sole jurisdiction over the case.
Y/N was able to convince him that it would be best if they get some sleep before they go. He agreed, telling them he expected to see them in Canada at 10 am sharp.
“Before we go home tonight can you cross-reference freelance charter boats or fishermen in the area the day each victim missed a ferry? Someone desperate to get a ride might be willing to hop in a boat with anyone going where they are,” Y/N suggested to Garcia.
“I’ll run it in the background, you two go home and get some rest so my god-baby can get big and strong!” She hugged her lightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Y/N and Spencer didn’t need to be told twice, practically running to their car. She let out the deepest sigh ever once she had her seatbelt on, so excited to go home.
Spencer drove them home, getting used to it as she got more pregnant. Soon she’d be too big to drive at all let alone stay awake the whole time.
“How are you feeling?” Spencer asked as they cleared the security check.
“Good, Dr. Korrapati is going to email us the results when they’re in and go over them with us on the phone. I told her we’d probably end up going out of the country soon,” Y/N recalled the day.
“The ultrasound was so cool,” he gushed.
“Yeah,” She smiled. Reaching to hold his hand on the centre console. “She also suggested we switch sides of the bed so that we can still cuddle while I’m on my left side.”
“She’s a genius.”
“that’s what I said!” She laughed, “literally how dumb are we?”
“187 till I become a dad and then I’m an idiot,” he smiled back at her quickly. “I’m glad you had a good day. Now we can go eat and get a full night’s rest.”
She let out another deep breath, “I can’t wait to cuddle.”
—
Garcia was waiting for them at the elevator the next morning. “Patrick Timmins.”
“Who?” Y/N asked, fully awake and ready to go, just confused by the ambush.
“I ran the perimeters that you asked for and I found a freelance fisherman slash charter service run by a guy named Patrick Timmins,” Garcia explained. “The townspeople call him Patty Tims, they think he’s fine and lovely according to his Yelp page but his criminal record tells a different story.”
“Really? I thought that was such a long shot!” Y/N was cheery from the extra sleep she got with Dr. Korrapati’s advice.
“The plane is ready when you guys are, I have all the updated info in this as well as some snacks for the plane,” she handed Spencer a cloth bag.
“What would I do without you? My pretty penny,” she kissed her friend on the cheek.
“If it means I get some sugar from you, I’ll do anything,” Garcia flirted with her in the absence of Morgan. “Go get on your plane, I will see you when you return my loves.”
They landed in Nova Scotia around 10 am like Hotch had requested. Bypassing customs and driving directly to the RCMP headquarters. They needed to come up with a plan, they had no idea how to find a man who travels by boat and lives at sea.
“We could always send undercover’s out in the areas he’s picked up before, have them dress as hitchhikers, miss the ferries and wait and see who tries to pick you up. Everyone will have a team watching and police boats on standby?” Morgan was theorizing as Spencer, Y/N and JJ walked in.
“We have report’s that he’s in the bay, if we’re going to do this we need to do it now,” An RCMP officer she hadn’t met yet announced to the room. “Who here is comfortable posing as a vic?”
JJ raised her hand, “get me some dirty clothes and I can be ready in 5.”
They raided the lost and found, they filled a backpack with random things and tried their best to dirty her fingernails and hair. She looked like she had been travelling without a proper place to stay for a while.
They managed to hide a wire on her, prepping what she was going to say if she was in danger and they needed to move in. Hiding a gun and a knife in her socks in case she needed them later.
They drove her down to the bay dropping her off 1 kilometre away, letting her walk into town while they parked closer to watch with binoculars. They planned it for her to arrive as the ferry pulled out of the bay.
She ran down the dock, trying to catch the ferry. Putting on the best performance of: “fuck, I missed the boat!” That they had ever seen.
“She’s going to win an Oscar,” Morgan whispered in the back of the surveillance van, trying to make Y/N laugh.
“Excuse me, ma’am?” They heard over the wire, trying to identify the source of the voice. The man was standing on his boat, hanging over the edge to get JJ’s attention.
“I missed the ferry, do you know when it’ll be back?” She played dumb. “I promised my mom I’d be back tonight and now I won’t be.”
“I can give you a ride, for a price,” the man suggested. “Names, Patty Tims.”
Hotch turned around from the front seat and motioned for Y/N and Morgan to head out quietly without making a scene. Listening in their headsets as JJ replied. “How much?”
They hid around the corner of the ticket booth, watching as the undercover officers walked around the civilians.
“Just a simple photo, I like to put a face to the stories I run across. Come on up,” he motioned for her to get on the boat.
She walked closer to him, “I don’t know sir, I should probably wait for the ferry.” She smiled.
“No,” he ground his teeth together and clenched his jaw, reaching for her.
She grabbed his arm and flipped him, getting into the boat and pushing him to the ground. She cuffed him by the time Morgan and Y/N could board. “What the fuck is this?” He struggled in her grasp.
“You’re under arrest for the murder of 6 people,” JJ replied, about to tell him his rights.
“Only 6?” He laughed.
JJ shoved him into the floor harder, reading him his rights before lifting him to his feet and shoving him off the boat and into RCMP custody.
Y/N lifted her hand up to high five JJ, pulling her into a half hug as they walked back to the surveillance van.
She never had a sister before, JJ was probably the only woman in her life that she felt this close to. It was mostly to do with the fact she’s always been so wonderful to Spencer. She helped him feel loved before Y/N, and that was important to her.
“Can we search the boat? Or are we still waiting on the warrant?” Y/N just wanted to check with Hotch before she barged onto the boat. Not wanting to jeopardize what they’re allowed to enter into evidence.
“We got it, you can start looking,” Hotch said, handing her a pair of gloves and a handful of evidence bags.
JJ went with her. They walked in together, noticing that he wasn’t lying about wanting a photo to go with the story. Below the deck, the entire wall was filled with Polaroids of terrified people moments before their deaths.
They bagged them all into evidence, dreading having to put them all into the system and match them to missing person’s reports. Delivering the news that someone’s loved one was gone for good was never fun.
Telling 58 families that their loved one was dead was a nightmare.
chapter 17
She’s a little confused when she wakes up to the sound of geese honking. Rolling away from Spencer’s embrace and immediately being blinded by the sunlight in the room. She sat up in a small panic.
She had forgotten that they stayed the night at the new house.
The large windows in the bedroom faced the water. She could see the sun’s reflection on the lake as it stretched over the house from the east. It was absolutely stunning. She could get used to waking up early with a screaming baby if this was the view.
Then she remembered it was the day they got their test results, she bounced a little as she reached for her phone to check her messages.
“Morning bunny,” Spencer’s groggy morning voice startled her a little.
“Bunny?” She questioned, never hearing him call her any form of nickname before.
He reached out of her, wrapping his arms around her growing belly, resting his head in her lap. “Have you ever noticed you hop a little bit when you get excited?”
“Yeah, it’s called Asperger’s,” she smiled as she ran her fingers through his hair. “It’s honestly better than bugs bunny though, just don’t throw carrots at me okay?” She laughed to herself as she recalled the childhood trauma.
It was a little funny, looking back now.
“Never, you’re my bunny. I love my bunny.”
He was so soft in the mornings. Snuggling in against her skin as he slowly woke up. He stretched and yawned a bit, making the cutest little sounds as he did so.
She kept her fingers in his hair, twirling the ends every once and a while. Mostly running her nails along his scalp, soothing that big beautiful brain of his that she loved so much.
“We find out what the sex is today,” she reminded him.
He lifted up her shirt to expose her belly. Kissing the skin as she laid back against the pillows.
“What’s going on in there today?” She asked softly.
“They’re the size of a prune,” he mused. “speaking of, as you enter the fetus stage this week you’re going to get constipated.”
She couldn’t help but laugh, “thanks that’s exactly what I wanted to know!”
“Right now the fetal development is focusing primarily on the bones, tummy and teeth,” he explained with the largest smile on his face.
“There we go.”
He hovered over her, brushing the hair from her face so he could look at her, “You look so beautiful right now.”
He said that as if he wasn’t blocking the sun from her view, perfectly casting a halo glow around him. She placed her hand on his cheek, “I love you.”
He leaned in and kissed her, pressing his body softly against her’s. “I love you,” he whispered between kisses. Covering her face and neck with small pecks, making her laugh as he covered her body in kisses.
The phone rang on Spencer’s night table causing him to press his forehead against her hip, letting out a deep sigh. Y/N reached over and picked it up. “Doctor Spencer Reid’s phone,” she answered. “He can't come to the phone right now, can I take a message?”
“Funny,” Penelope replied.
“We have a case,” Morgan added.
“What time do we need to be on the plane by?” She asked.
“Uh, it’s 7:46 now, so you’ve got an hour, tops?” Penelope guessed, “why?”
“I said he was busy. I’ll see you later.” She hung up.
“You did not just do that?” He looked absolutely horrified, his whole face turning pink.
“They could either think you got some, or you could actually get some?” She teased. “We have an hour.”
—
“All 3 Vic’s had been strangled and raped before they were wrapped in plastic and released into the river,” Garcia explained to the team over the laptop as they travelled through the sky. “Washing away all of the unsub’s DNA, however, they did find carpet fragments under the victim’s finger-“
“Like the ’84 Oklahoma Child Murders,” Y/N cut her off.
“What?” Garcia asked.
“Oklahoma 1981 to 1984. Local black children between the age of approximately 6 and 17 were being abducted, raped and murdered. Their bodies were mostly discovered in wooded areas and along the edges of the river, never submerged. The BAU worked the case, only ever being able to solve the last 2 murders before the Oklahoma governor, I think, kicked you off the case, right? They cared more about the money going towards the investigation than the black children going missing,” She explained.
“Gideon and I tried,” Rossi said. Still very bothered by the ending. “We wanted to catch the guy, the last 2 murders were so different from the others and yet the local cops considered it the same guy. Much like this new unsub, he raped young men before strangling them and dropping them in the river. All the way down to the carpet fibres.”
“It ended up being a local man named Oscar Pope, they caught him dumping an older male victim at a police checkpoint. They matched carpet fibres at his house to the 2 rivers Vic’s, but none of the children,” Prentiss cut in. “This has to be a copycat right?”
“We don’t know that,” Y/N added. “The BAU was working the angle that a local boy who knew the majority of the victims was in on it. Um, Daryl Livingston, he was in foster care at the time. He was the 7th boy to go missing and then every one of his friends was found dead after that. However, his body was never found. They suspected that he formed a bond with his captor and offered to bring him, other boys, if he let him live.”
“Any chance that this unsub could be the same kid, using Pope’s tactic to get our attention back on him?” Morgan asked.
“I was about to say that too,” JJ cut in. “they might’ve even been a team back then as well. That would explain why the murders stopped when Pope was caught but they still never found that boy.”
“That’s possible. They concluded that the last victim Pope dropped into the river was a long-time, secret boyfriend of his who found out what he was doing to the children. His MO changed when he didn’t want people to tie the murders together,” Spencer provided the extra information. “Only backfiring when local cops patrolling the river heard a splash.”
“Garcia, can you see if any of the Vic’s have any relation, contact or even geographical coincidences with the original murders?” Rossi asked. “If this is a victim continuing Pope’s work we need to find out who knew him.”
“Sir, Oscar Pope is still alive in a local correctional facility,” Garcia added. “I’m going to run background checks on all contact he’s had in his entirety at the prison, it might take a while but I’ll get it.”
“Garcia, I can go to the facility and just read everything they have there. It might not be all digital yet,” Reid offered.
“Good idea, take Y/N with you. You two bounce ideas off each other better than the rest of us,” Hotch agreed. “Morgan and Rossi join the search teams at the rivers. JJ and Prentiss, we’ll set up communication with the locals and go through old case files.”
“Reid’s good at bouncing somethin’ off her, alright,” Morgan teased him. “You were on speaker this morning.”
Spencer turned bright red once again, burying his face into the table as everyone laughed, reaching across the aisle to give Y/N high fives.
—
Being in a prison was always weird for her.
Having to hand in her gun just to read papers in a dusty office made her uncomfortable. She understood the protocol and she knew the guards would keep them safe, but knowing she was near men she helped put away, that scared her slightly.
“I’m not finding anything,” Spencer sighed. “There was a flood 2 years ago that destroyed most of the files near the ground. Including the Pope documents.”
“We can always just go ask him?” Y/N suggested, “he’s in D cell, he’s behind bars. We can just talk to him from the hallway unofficially. Pretend we’re here for someone else. I’ll say I never thought he really did those murders and gain his trust, see what happens.”
“I don’t like it but, I think we have to,” he agreed. Opening the office door for her to lead the way, “after you.”
Spencer felt very protective, she could tell. He was never pushy or controlling with her, but for some reason, he was now manhandling her. Making sure she walked on the inside of the hallways, closer to the brick walls so that no one could get her through the bars.
“So Doctor Reid,” she picked up the conversation as they hit the D block. “I was reading the book you lent me about engineering.”
“Oh,” he tried to play along. “How did you like it?”
“It was good,” she replied while trying to look at each inmate she passed. “I loved page 187— oh my gosh?” She stopped at Pope’s cell.
“You’re Oscar Pope?” She pointed at him.
“and you’re?” The old man questioned her. “A fed?”
“We’re here for something political, nothing to concern yourself with,” she lied, getting closer to the bars, whispering. “I just want you to know I never thought you did all 16 of the child murders back in the day.”
“Thank you,” he was suddenly enthusiastic. “Now why can’t all the fed’s be as smart as you?”
She laughed, tapping his arm through the bars. “How are you doing? Is there anything I can get you while I’m here?”
“Phone privileges!” He answered quickly, “the mail’s taking forever and I’ve got people to talk to before I croak in here.”
“I’m sure you do sir,” she smiled at him. “I’ll pull some strings, you have a good day!”
“You too, beautiful!”
Spencer placed his hand on her hip and led her away from the bars, she waved as they walked away.
“Agent Y/L/N,” a voice stopped her at the end of the hall.
She turned to see a man sitting cross-legged on the cell floor. His orange jumpsuit gathered around his waist as he sat in an undershirt. She glanced over his body, stopping at his face. She’d know those eyes anywhere.
“Didn’t I say only good boys get to talk to me, Bitch?” She snapped at him.
“Congratulations on the little one.” He replied. Laughing as Spencer placed his hand over her small stomach and led her out of the room, through the big metal doors.
“Keep walking with me,” Spencer insisted. “Or I will turn around and I will kill him.”
She huffed and continued down a narrow hallway with him. “We need to call Hotch.”
“Yeah,” he flipped his phone open and hit the speed dial.
“Reid?” She heard Hotch answer.
“We couldn’t get any of his information from forms, they all had water damage so Y/N and I walked past Pope’s cell and struck up a conversation,” He explained.
“And?”
“She got on his good side, pretending that she could get him a favour while she’s here for political reasons. He said he’s desperate to make a phone call today.”
“I’m on my way, get Garcia to prep paperwork to allow us a meeting with him now,” Hotch instructed, hanging up.
Y/N dialled Garcia on her phone. “How’s it going love birds?”
“Not good,” she replied. “We need you to get the paperwork going to allow us to sit down with Oscar Pope today. And we’re going to need to tear through his cell.”
“Oh, damn okay,” She replied. “Ask him about Cody Kollins.”
“Who?” Spencer asked as his phone rang again. He flipped it open, “we’ve got Garcia here too.” Putting it on speaker.
“Morgan and Rossi just intercepted a man dropping a body in the river,” Hotch confirmed. “I need you to rush that paperwork.”
“Sir, what was the man’s name?” Garcia asked.
“Cody Kollins.”
They sighed at each other, “let’s do this.”
—
Y/N watched him through the mirror. She could see him fidgeting. He was frustrated. He was exhibiting the exact same behaviour as he was when he was caught the first time.
“Every time we one-up him, he breaks down,” she whispered to Spencer. “Even in his interrogation tapes, he was like this. When they found the single patch of carpet left in his closet and were able to match the fibres, he lost it. He likes to play it cool and under control, he wrote the story and he wants us to stick to it.”
“How upset do you think he’d be if we went in there and told him we actually caught the original killer and he’s going to be released pending DNA testing?” Spencer suggested.
She tilted her head, biting her lip as she thought. “I think he’d be violent.”
“Sit here,” he said as he walked into the interview room.
She hated having to just watch. It helped that Pope was cuffed to the table, and the table was drilled into the concrete floor, Spencer wouldn’t get hurt. The guards are right behind the door. It’s fine.
“Sorry for the abrupt interrogation, I promise this isn’t what you think,” Spencer smiled softly. “We have reason to believe that the original killer has returned, the state is running the DNA now.”
Y/N watched as Pope’s right eye started to twitch, his finger on his leg was tapping at an odd rhythm as Spencer talked.
“The second we can prove you had no hand in any of the killing’s we’ll issue a pardon and your discharge papers will be filled out,” Spencer finished his sentence and moved to open the door once more.
“You’re a fuckin’ idiot,” he hissed. His voice was completely different than it was when they were speaking in D block.
“Why?” Spencer asked, easily playing the innocent and stupid role.
“You think some crazy-obsessed, fuck toy of mine whose doing half-assed attempts at my signature, is the real killer!!!” Pope spat his confession out. Literally covering the table in spit as he became more feral. Shaking violently.
Spencer walked right out of the room. Y/N watched as Pope smacked the table, tugging violently at the cuffs, scratching himself all up. The guards had to run in and hold him down, shooting a sedative into his neck.
“Jesus,” she whispered. Taking her phone out of her pocket to call Garcia, when she noticed the voicemail notification in the bottom corner. She ignored it, calling her friend instead.
“Hey,” Penelope answered quickly. “So turns out we were right, who would have thought, Cody Kollins is actually Daryl Livingston.”
“We just got a confession from Pope,” Y/N shared her news. “They had to sedate him so we’re going to come back to the station. Wait until tomorrow to interview him again.”
“Yeah, sounds good, Hotch and Morgan are in with Livingston right now,” she updated them. “Make sure to eat something when you get there.”
“Yes mom,” she teased, hanging up and smiling.
Spencer put his hand out in an invitation to hold it. She interlocked their fingers and followed him back to the filing room, gathering their things before exiting the prison.
She sat on the passenger side of the SUV, she and Spencer just sat there and took a few deep breaths. Processing everything the exact same way, quietly and on their own.
She cut the awkward silencer by taking out her phone and playing the voicemail. Putting it on speaker.
“Hi Y/N, this is Doctor Korrapati calling. I’ve emailed you your results. The gender is at the bottom, under the little read more button, in case you wanted it to be a surprise. Call the office and let us know when you’re free to go over the results and we’ll book you in, as far as I can tell everything looks good, so don’t feel the need to rush. Take care!”
Spencer looked over at her with a soft smile on his face, reaching out for her hand once more. Holding her hand with both of his now, “do you want to do this?”
“I’m ready if you are?”
He nodded, watching her contently as she opened her email up, finding the right one and scrolling to the bottom. Her heart fluttered a little as she looked at the read more option.
She took a deep breath and clicked on it.
Chromosomal sex: XY
“Well?” Spencer asked softly.
“I’d really love to tell you,” she bit her lip trying not to laugh, “but I don’t remember what this means?”
He laughed, shaking his head as he looked at the screen. He blinked with glossy eyes as he read it, a light chuckle escaping his lips as he cried softly.
It had to be a girl, she knew he wanted one. She convinced herself in that millisecond that it was a girl.
He reached over and placed his hand flat against her belly. “Hi Matthew,” he said softly.
“You’re kidding?” She couldn’t stop herself from crying.
Spencer wrapped her up in a hug, the two of them happily crying into each other. She wasn’t sure if she was giggling or sobbing, she just knew she was shaking in Spencer’s arms with happiness that this was her little family.
He kissed all over her one cheek as he held her close. “I love you so much,” he reminded her.
She pulled back, wiping her tears off on her shirt sleeve, laughing at the serendipity of it all. “I love you too, dad.”
“I have to drive, don’t make me cry again,” he laughed, wiping his own tears before tucking his ever-growing hair behind his ears.
“Let’s go.”
—
Y/N sat beside JJ in the break room of the police station, salad bowl in her lap, shovelling the dressing-covered leaves in her mouth.
They weren’t tasked with anything until Hotch and Morgan attempted to get some info out of the unsub. “Were you crying earlier?” She asked.
“A little,” Y/N smiled at her. “We’re having a boy,” she whispered.
“Oh my god!” JJ whispered back at her, reaching out for her arm and shaking her a little. “I have a feeling your little guy will be bigger than Henry was so he’ll fit into all Henry’s summer stuff when he’s born!”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah!” She confirmed. “By the time he grows out of everything I might have a second boy and we can rotate it around again,” she laughed. “This is going to be so fun.”
“Matthew and Henry are going to be best friends,” Y/N smiled.
“Matthew,” she repeated. “That’s a nice name, I like it.”
“My brother’s name is Levi, I thought it was a nice way to keep a family name in my baby’s life, and his middle name is going to be Gideon,” she spoiled it for Spencer.
JJ looked a little emotional, “sorry it’s just so surreal thinking about me and Spencer having kids who are friends.”
Y/N moved her dinner out of the way and hugged her then, holding her tightly. “You better not be pregnant too,” she whispered in her ear. Not wanting to give it away if she was.
JJ just laughed, rocking Y/N back and forth in her embrace, not answering. “Right?” Y/N asked again.
“We’re trying, so who knows,” JJ replied.
“Shut up?” Y/N pulled back and stared into her eyes to see if she was telling the truth or not. “Holy shit? Since when?”
“Honestly, I think the night we celebrated Canadian thanksgiving,” she laughed. “You and Spencer got us talking about babies, and you got Henry to sleep through the night, so this is technically your fault.”
“JJ,” Y/N started to cry, “I’m so happy for you.”
“They’ll only be a few months apart, so they’ll be best friends too,” JJ smiled. “This is going to be really fun.”
chapter 18
For Christmas this year, Y/N just wanted to be fully moved into their new home before they had to leave for Vegas. Spencer followed through with the present. Inviting the entire team over for drinks if they promised to stop by Y/N’s apartment and bring a few boxes to the new house. It was basically just free labour.
She spent the night nesting while her friends drank in her kitchen. They understood why she was nervous, she was going to tell her parents about the baby and the engagement, and the house, in 3 days.
It was all going to be a lot.
She was 16 weeks along as of Christmas Eve. Waking up the morning of their flight to a weird twitching sensation in her gut, like butterflies or a muscle twitch but right where the baby would be.
“Spence,” she shook him awake. “Spencer.”
“What’s wrong?” He sat right up, squinting at her as he tried to figure out what was going on.
“It’s like, I don’t know how to explain it?” She worried.
Spencer placed his hand on her belly feeling the slight flitter. “He’s kicking.”
Spencer’s early morning smile was the best, he tackled her back against the pillow and dug his face into the crook of her neck. “That’s my baby in there.”
“I wouldn’t have known,” she laughed, wrapping her arms and legs around him. “We have to go to the airport soon.”
“I know,” he mumbled into her neck.
“If you get up now, we can go get breakfast before we have to board?” She enticed him, “we can get sprinkle donuts for the flight.”
“Okay,” he said as she freed him from her grip. “Are you nervous?”
“I know they’ll be happy, just not ready for them to ask why I didn’t say anything sooner,” She explained. “I’ve been really distant since I got the job, I’m really excited to spend time with them this weekend.”
“Same,” Spencer smiled. “Come on you two.”
They took a 9 am flight one-way to Las Vegas. Y/N slept most of the ride, spending the last 45 minutes just snuggled into Spencer’s shoulder as he watched a documentary on some form of science or math. She couldn’t hear what it was about, all she saw was a man writing out numbers on a chalkboard.
She ran her hand over her belly lightly. There was no way she could walk into her mother’s house in a few minutes and just pretend it wasn’t there. It was there. So were the 5 pounds of baby weight on her hips and the swelling in her face and knuckles.
She was pretty quiet during landing and baggage claim. Thinking in her head what she was going to say to everyone, how she would explain it. She sat in a cab beside Spencer, absentmindedly following him through the airport they’ve both been through at least 20 times.
It was a short trip to her parent’s house. Spencer traced little shapes into her leg with his finger to distract her. A flower, a 4D cube, the words I love you. It was sweet, non verbal comfort was very important to her.
When they arrived, she stayed in the cab to pay while Spencer got their bags out. Taking as long as possible so she could avoid it a little longer.
Biting the bullet, she took a deep breath and walked out into her parent’s front yard. Taking the handle of her suitcase and dragging it up the walkway.
She walked right into her house, her parents and brothers all standing up from the living room and rushing into the entryway. She was wrapped up in 7 hugs within a matter of seconds.
“You look so different,” her mom said as she pulled back from her hug. Holding her arms as she examined her, “what did you do?”
“I got pregnant,” she replied, scrunching her face as she waited for their response.
She could’ve sworn she went deaf at that moment, reaching down to cover her bump as everyone cheered and jumped around her. She was pulled into a group hug before she could process anything. Laughing awkwardly at the whole experience.
“Be quiet, he can hear this week!” She laughed.
“He?” Her father inquired.
She looked back at Spencer, smiling at him. “It’s a boy,” Spencer confirmed.
“Holy shit!” Her brothers cheered, high-fiving each other. “When are you due?” Harrison asked.
“June,” she smiled. “3 days after mom’s birthday, see I do remember it.”
“Come sit,” her mom insisted, pushing everyone out of the way and dragging her to the couch. “Put your feet up, how are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” Y/N insisted. “You’re almost worse than my co-workers.”
“Are they taking good care of you?” Her father asked.
She waited for Spencer to join her on the couch, they had all been so excited about her they forgot he was there. “Yeah. Um, we have a lot to tell you,” She explained, holding Spencer’s hand for comfort.
“I asked Y/N to marry me,” Spencer announced. “I am so in love with her, this baby is a dream come true and I’m very excited to become a part of your family.”
Her mom cried, tossing her hand over her eyes as she sobbed. “Mom,” she was so overwhelmed with everything she started to cry too.
“You’re a wonderful man Spencer,” her father interjected. “It’s an honour to have you.”
Spencer smiled and nodded towards him, silently thanking him for the approval.
“So, it’s kind of insane how it all happened. It wasn’t intended, but we love him so much already,” Y/N glowed as she spoke. “Are we going to tell people the name yet?”
Spencer nodded, “we can.” He smiled down at her with such wonderment, the moment she had been scared of for 16 weeks turning out to be the best time she’s had with her whole family in one room.
“His name is Matthew Gideon Reid,” Y/N smiled. “After my favourite brother, no offence Harry, and Spencer’s mentor.”
Levi was her more emotional brother. He was her best friend growing up. The 5 year age difference gave them the time to grow up separately but still find common interests to bring them together. They were the closest in the family before she moved to Virginia full time it became hard to keep up with him as much.
Now they were both parents, their kids only having a 3 year age difference. Meaning next year there would be 2 little ones at Christmas.
“That’s a lovely name,” Levi smiled. “Thank you.”
“It’s whatever, don’t expect our kids to have your name either,” Harrison replied as he held his wife close, pretending he was a little offended.
“We also got a house,” she added to change the topic, “Jason Gideon, he kinda gave us his place in Virginia.”
“You’re kidding me?” Debbie gasped. “For free?”
She laughed, “it’s complicated.”
“I grew up without a father, and Gideon neglected his son for his work at the BAU,” Spencer chimed in. “We bonded, and he wanted his house to be used for good. He specifically asked for us to fill it with love and laughter. We’ve just finished moving into it. You can visit any time!” He panicked and rambled by the end.
“I don’t know if you know this,” her mom tried to joke with them. “But there’s this thing called a phone, where you can call your mother and tell her these things.”
“I wanted to!” she hurried the words out. “But I’m still working in the field, I was weary with who really knew besides the team. It’s my only weakness on the job.”
“I get it,” Debbie smiled. “Honestly, I’m so happy for you both.”
“Thanks, mom,” Y/N choked back tears. “Sorry,” she laughed. “Pregnant things, y’know.”
—
Visiting hours at the nursing home changed during the holidays. Spencer and Y/N were permitted to enter anytime between 8 am and 10 pm, giving them lots of time to spend the afternoon with Y/N’s parents before visiting her.
They borrowed her dad’s truck, driving to the nursing home with a special gift for Diana. Spencer had spent the last 2 weeks making a scrapbook page about Matthew for her, he knew how much her book meant to her and he wanted to add to it.
Her mom’s co-workers all stared at them as they walked in hand in hand. Her bump on show under the T-Shirt she chose to wear.
Diana was in her room, then walked down the long hallway to her suite. Knocking lightly on the door, waiting for her to greet them.
The door swung open, “Spencer!” She cheered. Hugging him tight in her arms.
“Hi mom,” he held her just as tight. Knowing he was a mama’s boy always made Y/N’s heart flutter.
She pulled back and looked at Y/N, “you look so nice!”
“Thank you,” she smiled. Stepping in close to give her a hug as well.
Diana welcomed them into her room, closing the door behind them. Y/N took a seat on the couch while Spencer looked around at the new things she had on display.
“I made you something,” he said softly, taking off his bag and pulling the pressed cardboard out of the protective sleeve. “here.”
She held it in her hands, looking at the ultrasound photo they got a few weeks ago at the anatomy scan. “What is this Spencer?”
“You’re going to be a grandmother,” he explained. Watching her run her fingers over the words on the paper. She was in shock, she had nothing to say. She just looked at the photo.
She quietly walked over to Y/N and sat beside her, “may I?” She asked, holding her hand up.
Y/N leaned back a little, “absolutely.”
Diana placed her hand on the bump lightly. “I was so worried I wouldn’t get to really experience this one day,” she whispered. Trying her best not to cry. “Thank you.”
Y/N cried, not realizing how special this must be for them. She was so focused on her family that she forgot that this was going to change Diana’s whole world. She now had 2 boys to love unconditionally.
“His name is Matthew?” Diana asked, running her hand over the bump softly.
“Yeah,” Y/N smiled. “He’s due in June. If you can, you can fly out and stay with us for a little?”
“I’d love to,” Diana replied. “I have enough points for a trip, and I’ve been feeling really good on my medication.”
“If your doctors clear it all, Debbie and you can fly in together,” Spencer confirmed.
“Wow,” Diana smiled like Spencer. Wide thin lips, straight white teeth, big rosy cheeks and glistening eyes. She hoped Matthew inherited it too. “This is my best Christmas yet.”
—
Y/N woke up Christmas morning with Spencer cuddled into her side in her childhood bedroom. She slipped out of his grasp and sat in her windowsill instead.
She pulled her knees to her chest as best as she could now that she was pregnant, looking at the lone swing across the street that swayed in the December morning breeze.
It should be 8 am back at Quantico, her parents must have let them sleep in while they opened presents. She could see Chloe in the front yard trying out her new car. Levi smiled as he pushed her down the road, Lizzie filming the whole thing on her phone.
Her whole life was so different from the last time she really sat on the windowsill in her bedroom. Back then she was about to move to Virginia, graduating college in Nevada and getting into the training program at the academy. Harrison was already there at Fort Meade, she was about to move into his house with his wife for the first semester before settling into DC. Levi and Lizzie had just started dating, Chloe wasn’t even conceived yet. And she had no idea when she’d run into Spencer.
She rubbed her hand over her belly as a tear rolled down her cheek. She couldn’t wait for the day that she was pushing her own child on that swing across the street. The day she and Spencer tell him about the love story that bubbled between two kids with books who looked at each other for years before they fell in love.
“What are you doing?” Spencer asked, removing her from the moment she allowed herself to have.
She wiped the tear from her cheek, “they’re happy tears. Go back to sleep.”
“Come cuddle?” He pouted, his big puppy dog eyes drawing her back to the bed.
She snuggled into him, running her fingers against his bare chest as she watched him breathe. “Can I tell you something?”
“Always,” he kissed the top of her head.
“When I was 17, I had my appendix out.” She rolled over and laid back, showing him the 3-inch scar on the right side of her stomach. “It was pretty bad, they said I would have died if my mom waited 15 more minutes to get me to the hospital. They had to fix parts of my stomach and intestines that were eaten by the ruptured appendix bile.”
“I had no idea,” he whispered, running his finger along the scar. “I always thought that was just a scratch.”
She shook her head lightly. “It was December 5th, ’98. They uh,” she took a deep breath before resuming. “They put me on a drug called Dilaudid, they told my mom it was a non-addictive version of morphine and that I’d be fine but, I kinda got addicted to the pill version when they let me out,” she scrunched her face as she told him. Not wanting his opinion of her to change.
“You’re kidding?” He asked, a chuckle fell past his lips as he sat up. “In my second year at the BAU I was kidnapped by a man with dissociative identity disorder and he drugged me.”
“Dilaudid?” She asked, sitting up too and shaking her head in disbelief.
He laughed at how absurd it was, “yeah.”
“I moved to Benadryl for the sleepy and calm effect after I couldn’t get any more refills and didn’t want to admit I had a problem, and weed in college” she added. “but I haven’t even taken a Tylenol in the last 5 years now.”
“I had a small problem with it after everything, but I’m also clean now,” Spencer smiled at her. “Why did you want me to know?”
“Because I don’t want to take any drugs when I deliver the baby, even if I beg for them I don’t want them to give in. I talked to Dr. Korrapati about it but I wanted you to know too,” she explained. “Being in here all night got me thinking about a lot.”
He wrapped his arms around her and tackled her back against the pillows. “I love you,” was all he said.
“I love you too?”
“Seriously,” his voice was so soft and low. “I’ll never stop.”
chapter 19
She woke up to the feeling of hair tickling her face. She swatted at her face to try and get it to stop before opening her eyes. She blinked into the early morning sunlight, only to Spencer looking down at her, his hair long enough to tickle her skin.
“You were snoring,” he whispers down to her. “Also, Happy Birthday.”
She smiled, pulling him down and into a hug. “Thank you.”
Every morning with Spencer for the last 10 months had been special. Something about the warmth of his body against hers, and the sunlight bouncing around their new bedroom made this morning her favourite.
It was so calm on the water. She could see the snow settling on the ice as the sun made it glisten like diamonds. The birds had all but disappeared for the winter, the stillness in the world was lovely. It was like time stopped with Spencer laying in her arms.
“What do you think Penelope has planned at work today?” She asked him softly, playing with his incredibly long hair. It was almost longer than hers now.
“She told me to bring you in after 8.”
“So does that mean you have to distract me for a little while, Doctor Reid?” She teased him.
He pushed himself up, leaning on his arm as he hovered over her. “Any requests?”
She spread her arms and legs out like a starfish. “Have at ‘er,” she couldn’t stop herself from laughing as Spencer just shook his head.
He dipped down to her belly, blowing a raspberry onto her protruding bump. “Good morning to you too little dude,” he whispered against her skin. “Go back to sleep.”
She shoved him lightly, not able to stop herself from smiling, “he is asleep, leave him alone.”
It was the best morning ever.
Every time she thinks that she’s reached peak happiness she discovers another level. It felt like every time he touched her, she wanted to describe it as the best she’s ever felt.
When they finally got dressed and made their way downstairs for the morning, she found it incredibly odd that he wasn’t asking her what she wanted for breakfast, like he did every morning. Very concerned that she had all her meals and then some.
She fed the cat, picking him up and giving him a little snuggle after he finished his breakfast. “You are getting so big and chunky buddy, I might have to change your food timer.”
He meowed at her, sounding really pissed, making her laugh. “Fine but when you can't climb all the stairs in this house it’s your fault.” She placed him back on the ground and watched him wander into the sunlight. Plopping onto the hardwood and stretching out. Just living the life.
“Ready to go?” Spencer asked.
“Yeah, are we stopping for breakfast?” She asked, the second trimester making her hungrier than ever before.
“Penelope has it covered,” He said, placing his hand on her back as he leads her to the foyer.
“Oh this’ll be good,” she smiled, putting her shoes on before arming the alarm and heading outside.
Spencer locked their beautiful green front door, it was colder out than they had expected. He held her hand as she shivered slightly, they walked down the 3 steps together, Spencer not wanting her to fall if it happened to be icy.
Seat heaters were a blessing from god. The car was freezing when they first got in, the heater barely kicked in by the time they reached Quantico. Living 10 minutes away now was really nice.
Up the elevator they went, she was basically bouncing with excitement. “See?” Spencer nudged her with his shoulder. “Bunny.”
“Shut up,” she smiled as the door dinged before opening.
They walked into the bullpen to find it empty. She took off her coat and placed her bag on her desk before slowly walking up the small set of stairs and heading towards the briefing room.
All her co-workers were sitting around the table waiting for her and the boy wonder to arrive. Strawberry cheesecake danishes sat on a tray on the table, a strawberry milkshake in front of Y/N‘s regular spot.
“Happy Birthday!” They cheered as she walked in.
“You guys!?” She was so flattered. Never in her life has she been thrown a party by someone who wasn’t her mother. “Thank you.”
“Sit, sit,” Penelope insisted. Placing a danish on a napkin and putting it on her spot on the table. “I know you can’t have ice coffee right now, I thought a milkshake was the next best thing.”
“I seriously love you, come here,” she pulled Penelope into a hug, kissing her right on the mouth as everyone cheered.
“See that?” Penelope blushed. “Kisses are how I should be thanked around here.”
“HR already hates us,” Hotch made everyone laugh, “don’t push it.”
They all ate breakfast together, sharing stories from their weekend. They decided to spend New Years’ apart, everyone taking time to themselves for the first time ever.
“Where did you go, Prentiss?” Morgan inquired.
“Sin to Win weekend in Atlantic City,” she sighed and leaned back in her chair.
“Oh my god?” Y/N looked at her with absolute astonishment.
“What’s that?” Morgan and Spencer asked at the same time.
“Nothing.” Emily and Y/N replied in unison. Making a look at each other that screamed: ‘tell anyone and I’ll hurt you.’
Like a saviour, the fax machine in the briefing room turned on, spitting out 15 sheets of paper in a few minutes. Penelope cleaned off the table while Hotch ran everything over.
“Last night a family in Boston had their home burned down with them inside it,” Hotch explained.
“How is that something for us to look into?” Rossi asked.
“Because the unsub broke in and turned the water off and tampered with the gas system, causing CO2 to render them unconscious. He stabbed the father to death in the bed before laying gasoline all over the floors and lighting the house on fire.”
“Damn,” Y/N whispered under her breath. “That is personal.”
“I’d say,” Hotch agreed.
“Who was the family?” JJ asked.
Garcia looked through the sheets of paper spewed across the table. “Thomas Greenway, 61. His wife Alison 43. And 2 children aged 8 and 12.”
“We need to head to Boston,” Hotch announced. “I’ll call about prepping the plane. Y/N you can stay here with Garcia if you’d like, your insight will aid her search greatly.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind,” she smiled at Garcia. “Good luck out there.”
“Wheels up in 30.”
Everyone sighed before standing up. Spencer leaned in and kissed Y/N softly before standing up. “I’ll see you later.”
“Come home to me safely Doctor Reid.”
He smiled down at her, fixing his shirt before he left with Morgan.
“I hate to see him go, but I love watching him leave,” She said softly towards Penelope, making her laugh in the process.
“Come on mama, let’s go to my office,” Garcia said, putting her arm out for Y/N, the two of them skipping down the hallway with their arms linked as the team filled the elevator.
Y/N sat in Garcia’s office and immediately put her feet up, still drinking her milkshake as she flipped through the case files. “Can I suggest possibly the dumbest thing ever?”
She laughed, “shoot.”
“So, homeboy here breaks in and knocks out a family with co2 poisoning, just to stab the father to death and light the house on fire.” She ran it down once more, “What if we just search mothers stabbed before dying in a fire and just see if this is some traumatized kid, at this point that’s what they all end up being.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” Garcia said, typing away as she added the parameters. “It’s like you can see the fucking future?”
Y/N threw her head back in a laugh, “did you get something? Seriously?”
“Adele Hollis was found dead in a burning apartment building in Boston in 1978. ME reports say she was already dead from co2 poisoning before she was stabbed 6 times in the chest. The whole apartment complex went up in flames after the unsub doused the bed in gasoline and lit her up.”
“Well fuck,” Y/N replied. “Does she have children?”
“Yes, her son Cameron was at school when it happened. He was 8, he moved in with his step-dad shortly after, they ruled him out and never found the guy,” Garcia added.
Y/N leaned across the desk and dialled Hotch, the plane hadn’t even left yet. “I think I found the unsub?”
“How?” Hotch asked.
“I jokingly asked Garcia to search and see if there are any men whose mothers died in a fire after being stabbed cause we deal with sooo many traumatized kids, and we found one,” she laughed at just how insane it sounded.
“Video in and give us a rundown.” Hotch hung up. Ever the conversationalist.
Garcia and Y/N squeezed into the same frame seeing everyone gathered in the little plane seats. She gave them the basic rundown of her findings, watching them all shake their heads at the fact she solved the case already.
“Have the local PD issue a warrant and bring him in. Can you check and see if he knows the victims?” Hotch asked.
“On it sir,” she smiled, clicking away.
“How did you do that so fast?” Morgan has to ask, “it’s not human.”
She laughed again, “If I’ve learned anything in the last 10 months it’s that traumatized little boys can fuck up a lot of people’s lives.”
“Preach,” Rossi added.
“Um, guys,” Garcia’s tone changed. “Cameron Hollis’s birth father is the father who was stabbed in this case.”
“You’re shitting me?” Y/N couldn’t believe it. “Do they have any kind of relationship?”
“His father is on the birth certificate but it looks like Adele left him when Cameron was 3, after some domestic disputes that had the cops at their door. She was remarried when he was 6, it doesn’t look like they ever really talked,” Garcia explained while continuing to dig.
Y/N watched through the monitor as the team gripped their seats, the plane was taking off now. They would be in Boston with this guy in just a few hours.
“Thanks, Lady Wonder,” Morgan winked at the camera for Y/N before leaning in and turning the monitor off.
She sat back and put her feet up once more. “Best birthday ever.”
—
They had Cameron Hollis in custody with a full confession before 5 pm that day. Everyone was beyond thankful that they would be back home with their families shortly.
Y/N had said goodbye to Penelope shortly after, driving home to have some alone time. Rossi would drive Spencer home, they lived close enough now that they could all carpool if they wanted.
She had never been in their new house all alone before. She took the time to just walk around and admire everything, being thankful that her life ended up like this. Not taking a second of it for granted.
She sat down on her bed finally, taking her phone out and calling JJ.
“Hello bestie,” she answered.
Y/N smiled, “Hey, do you think Will could find a babysitter tonight?”
“Probably, why?”
“Tell him to drop Henry off and head to my place. I’m going to have pizza delivered and you can come here with Spencer when you land,” Y/N offered. “Have a date night with us.”
“That would be amazing, I’ll call Will right now. See you later,” JJ sounded happy. It made her smile.
“See you.” She hung up, laying back against her bed softly.
She changed quickly before heading downstairs, wearing a pair of leggings and an academy t-shirt. She was getting too big for almost everything she owned now.
She placed an order for a few pizzas to arrive at 8:30. Next, making sure she had more beer in the fridge, for the nights when Will wandered over with JJ. They had visited almost every weekend since she and Spencer moved in.
That’s when she saw him.
chapter 20
Previously...
The dream was always the same:
A man would get into their home, he knew their schedule, he knew when she’d be alone.
He’d get in without any trouble and he never made a sound. She wouldn’t even know he was in the room until she felt the cold metal gun press against her face, as shaking hands instructed her to tie her own behind her back.
He’d always use her supplies. Duck tape, shoelaces, scarves. Anything at his disposal that he didn’t have to bring with him. Almost as if he didn’t fully choose her to be his victim until the very last minute.
He assaulted her all for what felt like hours, stopping occasionally to cry in the bathroom or eat a snack in their kitchen. And he always showered at the end. Sometimes, he’d wrap her up in a housecoat, put her sheets in the wash and sincerely advised her to invest in a better lock for the sliding door.
Then he was gone.
Slipping into the night, on his way to become someone else’s nightmare...
There was a man in her yard, he was dressed in all black, with a backpack wrapped around his shoulders and a ski mask on his face.
He couldn’t see her from where she was in the kitchen, but she could see him. She ducked to the floor and crawled towards the stairs, booking it up the steps and grabbing her gun. She made sure it was loaded, grabbing a second clip from her nightstand and tucking it into her pocket. Then she detonated the alarm system from the remote on Spencer’s bedside table.
She crawled into her closet, making herself look like a pile of clothes.
And she waited.
She felt a little insane, she tried to convince herself that it could be anyone from a neighbour to a lost person from the trail. For all she knew, it was someone from the academy lost in the woods.
She tried to calm her breathing, calling Will with her cell phone. “Hey, JJ just filled me in-“
“There is someone in my backyard in all black with a backpack, how fast can you get here?” She panicked in a whisper.
“Fuck, okay, I just dropped Henry off at the sitter. I’ll be right over, stay put and I will call you when I’m there,” his southern accent came out more when he was stressed.
“Okay, thank you,” she hung up and took a deep breath.
She closed her eyes, listening to the sounds in her house.
She remembered what the house sounded like that morning. The stillness, the quiet peacefulness of her and Spencer in the bed only 12 feet away from where she was now hiding.
She remembered the way the floors creaked as it popped and settled with the heat, how the tree outside would sometimes tap the window, the sound of snow tumbling off their roof. Passing cars on the main road kicking up gravel, the odd bird singing in the cold breeze, her own heartbeat in her ears.
Then she heard the alarm turn off with its overly happy welcome home chime. Only knowing one man would be able to disarm her alarm system without a code, and he was in the air right now.
“Open,” she heard the alarm’s voice as the door opened.
Footsteps travelled along the hardwood floor in wet shoes. She listened to the sound of the wet rubber on hardwood explore the first floor.
There were 2 people in her house, splitting up as one went to the kitchen and one went up the stairs.
She aimed her gun at the doorway, aiming to shoot anyone who walked through the door in the leg. Not wanting to kill anyone who she knew that might’ve gotten in for a different reason, unannounced.
In the rare happenstance that this wasn’t her worst nightmare coming true.
Her hands were shaking as she kept the gun pointed for what felt like hours, just waiting for him to find her. The door handle started to turn slowly, she heard the sound of the old metal grinding ever so slowly.
The first thing she saw were his eyes, yet again. The same eyes that haunted her dreams, the eyes every woman she spoke to for 2 years remembered from behind the ski mask.
Fuck Wichita, he was her own personal nightmare. He had been for a while. Those eyes, big and black all the way around, not a single glimpse of colour or life or hope. Every single dream came flooding back as she saw him in her doorway, the same aura of death, destruction, loneliness and despair from all those months ago was now filling the most special place in her home.
He still hadn’t seen her in the closet, looking around the room carefully as she watched him. Waiting for him to get closer, and closer to where she was. Finally peeling back the wooden closet door.
“Surprise, bitch,” She said before aiming higher and shooting him between the eyes, knocking him down.
She stood and stepped out of the closet, “Travis fucking Johnson,” she shook her head as she looked at the man bleeding on her bedroom floor. Taking his pulse to ensure that he was dead.
She couldn’t hear anything for a second, trying her best to zone in on the sound of someone tiptoeing in her kitchen, “WHO ELSE IS IN MY HOUSE?” She screamed.
Suddenly she could hear the sound of a car on the gravel and then a door slamming. She stepped into the hallway, gun pointed, looking over the railing towards the front door.
“Y/N?!” Will yelled. Gun pointed as he entered her house.
“I’ve got one down, I think there’s another in the kitchen,” she replied.
“On it.”
Y/N looked down the hall, none of the upstairs rooms were open, every door exactly how it looked when she ran up the stairs. She headed down the steps when 2 shots were fired.
She quickly ran to the kitchen to see another man on her floor behind the counter, his feet the only thing she could see as he laid there, dead. Will was standing over him, taking his pulse.
“He’s gone,” Will confirmed.
Y/N finally let herself panic, shaking as she tried to catch her breath, pulling out a chair from the counter and sitting down. Her adrenalin was running wild in her bloodstream, she didn’t even know how to speak let alone think about what had just happened.
“Y/N,” Will’s soft voice brought her back to reality. He was right beside her, wrapping his big strong arms around her to try and calm her down. “Shh, it’s okay.”
“Who was it?” Is all she asks him.
“I have no idea, who was upstairs?” Will asked.
“Travis Johnson, from my first case with the BAU,” she calmed down a bit, breaking away from the hug to get off the chair.
She walked around the counter island, looking down to find another man she knew, bleeding on her brand new hardwood floors. “Oh my god,” she felt sick at the sight.
He smelled the same, stale and rotten. The same look on his face even as he slipped into eternal damnation. Empty as when he was alive, pure evil down to his core. Dead to match how he felt inside as he did those awful things to undeserving mothers.
The second worst man she’s ever come in contact with.
The Winnemucca Womb Raider.
She backed up into Will, he held her close so she didn’t drop to the floor, helping her back into the chair. “Do you know him?”
“Yeah,” she felt herself starting to cry. “How? They were both in prison?”
“We need to call the police,” Will said softly before taking his phone out.
“911 what’s your emergency?” She could hear the muffled woman’s voice as he pressed his phone to his ear.
“This is Detective William LaMontagne Jr. Two men just broke into my friend’s home and tried to kill her,” he explained the situation, making her shutter.
She watched as he talked to the woman, suddenly not able to hear anything as her body slipped into shock. She was completely numb. In the last 10 months she hadn’t fired a single shot on the job, and yet on her birthday, the one time she's alone, she has to kill someone in her own home.
The place where she was supposed to feel safe and happy. Where her new life with Spencer and Matthew was supposed to start. They promised Gideon love and laughter, having that dream stripped from them when Pure Evil stepped over the threshold.
It was just like the dream, the last one she had before Spencer wrapped himself around her, calming her down.
This time he wasn’t here, he didn’t even know that this had happened, he wasn’t always going to be there to save her. She pulled herself back into the moment, calming herself like she had all those years before him.
She wasn’t a damsel in distress, he knew that.
A man walked into her home, the one time he knew she’d be alone and vulnerable.
That was the only part of the dream that matched.
Unlike her dream, she wasn’t a victim. Not in this house. Not in her space. Not ever.
The sound of the sirens echoed in her ears finally, she turned to the commotion of officers running into her new house. Will walked them through it all, telling them who Y/N was and that this was her home. How she saw a man in her yard and hid before killing him upstairs.
“Ma’am?” A stranger in a uniform tried to get her attention. “Ma’am, can you come with me?”
She nodded, standing up and finding support in the man’s arms. He wrapped her up in a silver blanket before he led her outside and into an ambulance. She had her vitals taken and an oxygen mask placed on her to help her calm down.
“Is the baby okay?” She asked the EMT, pulling the mask off her face so he’d hear her.
“Yes,” he smiled. “Strong heartbeat, no signs of distress but you need to relax so we can keep it that way.”
Will climbed into the ambulance then, taking her hand in his, “hey doll, are you okay?”
She nodded, “just a little shook up.”
“I called Spencer,” he said softly. “They’re 30 minutes from landing, then him and the team are on their way. No one told the team about the prison break in Oklahoma, they didn’t even think to connect them back to you.”
She sighed, “two cases in 2 different states, where the offenders ended up going to a 3rd state to meet and do time together and bond over the women who put them away. Makes sense.”
“You put them both away?” He asked.
She nodded again. “I basically made it my life goal to get Travis Johnson, he’s the reason I have this job, he’s the reason I’m pregnant right now,” her words trailed off into whispers. “I saw him in November, he congratulated me when he saw the bump.”
“Who was the other guy?”
“The Winnemucca womb raider, he would kill pregnant women by strangling them before removing their wombs,” she looked at him, horrified. “They wanted to kill us...”
She wrapped her arms around her own stomach, she had almost forgotten to worry about him. To even think that she was more than just one person at the moment.
They weren’t after her, they were after the most important thing to her. Her son, her baby boy. Like all the mothers before her, like their own. They wanted her to suffer, for her son to be spared a future worse than death in their opinion.
All the images from the cases came flying back as she blinked faster and faster. Strangled women, removed wombs, thanking God for a second that Spencer was the one to see the recovered organs in his trailer. A sick feeling bubbled in her body, a chill ran deep in her bones.
Then everything went black.
—
The first thing she remembers when she gained consciousness again was that Spencer was furious. She could see him and Hotch in a heated conversation from inside the ambulance, she tried her best to wake up and zone in on what was going on.
It was too dark for her to read their lips, but he was angry.
JJ was sitting beside her now, holding her hand. “Hey, bestie.”
“Did the cat get out?” She doesn’t know why that’s the first thing she asks, “the door was left open, did he get out?” Still in shock, still trying to understand everything.
JJ shushed her, petting her hair as she leaned in close, hugging her softly. “He was in the laundry room, Will said he made sure to find him when you were getting checked out.”
“Good,” she nodded along as she listened. “I’m so overwhelmed.”
JJ let out an awkward laugh, “I can imagine.”
“I’m also starting to fall in love with your husband,” she found her sense of humour then. “He has perfect timing.”
JJ laughed a little harder, causing Spencer’s focus to shift to the ambulance. Y/N watched him run towards it and jump in.
“Y/N, oh my god,” Spencer wrapped his arms around her. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she replied. “I’m safe, the baby’s healthy,” she assured him.
He kissed her all over her face, making her giggle when he wouldn’t stop, repeating kisses all over her face, her ears and her neck. She could hear JJ also laughing as she watched with Hotch just outside.
He finally stopped to catch his breath, hugging her again with his face in her neck. “I love you,” she reminded him.
“You love me?” He pulled back, “I love you so fucking much, I am never leaving you alone again.”
“Spencer,” she laughed, “I think I handled it pretty well.”
He huffed and shook his head, “you shouldn’t have had to handle this in the first fucking place! It’s not that fucking hard for someone to call the god damn FBI and say hey two psychopaths that your genius new girl put behind bars, fucking escaped!”
She finally knew what Hotch meant when he said Spencer’s anger scared him. She looked at him like he was a whole different person, “Spence, baby, I know. It’s okay, I’m fine see?”
She placed her hands on his cheeks as she looked into his beautiful hazel eyes, watching his pupils change size as he focused on her. Love and life behind them, true happiness clouded by horror at the thought of losing the love of his life.
He was what a true man was supposed to be, a real genuine person with love and kindness, and empathy. Her soulmate, her Spencer.
“We can’t control everything, that’s what you told me. We handle what’s in front of us, and we do it well,” she smiled as she reminded him.
Spencer started to cry, pulling her in close. “I can’t lose you.”
She cried at the sound of his voice, his heart shattering as he cried in her arms, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. Terrified on a level she’s never seen in him before.
She rubbed his back as she held him, rocking him lightly as she shushed him absentmindedly. Soothing him as if her life depended on it, it broke her heart to see him this broken about the idea of losing her. She loved him so much it made her heart physically ache in her chest as she held him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she promised, whispering against his hair. “I’ll kill a million men if it means coming home to you.”
He laughed in the middle of his cries, she could feel him smile softly as he sniffled against her shirt. “Promise?” He asked as he pulled back to look at her.
She wiped the tears from his cheeks, his beautiful eyelashes clumped together in the wetness. He was so sweet, she couldn’t help kissing him quickly, “promise.”
—
Hotch insisted they head to the BAU with the rest of the team while he handled the crime scene and the forensic clean-up, knowing on a personal level what it was like to clean Evil’s blood out of your bedroom carpet.
Y/N was sitting in the car waiting to leave when she saw Will coming out of her house with 3 pizzas. “I forgot I ordered those,” she gasped at the sight.
“You should’ve seen the look on the delivery guy’s face,” JJ laughed.
It was really bizarre having a pizza party in Rossi’s office after shooting someone in her home. Everyone was trying to be as chipper as possible to try and take the tension off the situation, but Y/N was pretty quiet.
Morgan got everyone to settle down before closing the office door, sitting close to her and Spencer. “Everyone in this room has either been shot, in danger, held hostage or worse,” he offered her some support.
“If you want to share anything, express any feeling or just tell us to fuck off, you can,” his words were soft, she watched him with soft eyes as he spoke.
“The only thing I can think of is that fate is fucked up,” she replied, the honesty slipping off her tongue like it was made of butter.
“You have the floor,” he insisted that she continue.
“I moved into a tiny apartment, farther away from my job, because I needed somewhere to live, and I found Spencer in the hallway. Spencer led me to you, and you guys helped me find Travis Johnson, my personal nightmare case of 2 years,” she explained like they never knew that. “But it’s so much more than that now.”
“We ran into Travis at the prison in Oklahoma a few months ago,” Spencer added. “He noticed that she was pregnant and congratulated her.”
“But the thing that’s fucking me up the most is that, and sorry TMI,” she warned them before continuing. “but we conceived the baby in Kansas when we caught the VICAP counsellor, only a few towns over from where we arrested Travis. Then we ran into him on a different case in Oklahoma, and he happened to be in the same prison as a man from New Mexico I put away for killing pregnant women. Something about this all lines up so perfectly... I hate that I find it so interesting.”
“That is kind of insane,” Morgan agreed. “I think it just means you and Spencer are being pulled together by something with bigger plans than you realize. And you’re a good shot, so thankfully you have nothing to worry about now.”
“Thanks,” she smiled.
She held Spencer’s hand, looking down at the ring on her finger that meant she was his forever. As much as she hated the idea of a man owning a woman, she loved the idea that Spencer was her person forever.
They were tied together in a way no one would understand, she loved him deeper than she ever thought possible.
Everything happened for a reason. Her reason just so happened to be Fate wanting her to spend the rest of her life, Happily with Doctor Spencer Reid.
—
She woke up around noon the next day, Spencer was sitting up beside her reading a book when she finally clued into where she was. They had spent the night at Rossi’s house while the forensic cleanup team handled her kitchen and bedroom.
“Good morning,” she smiled up at him, stretching against the sheets as she fully woke up.
He put his book down and joined her, wrapping her up in his arms and kissing her neck softly.
“Good morning,” he replied finally. She loved his voice when he hadn’t spoken yet. His vocal cords yearning to be used.
She smiled against his skin, holding him against her chest as she breathed him in. Her safety, her cosmic soulmate.
Everything just felt better in the world when they were pressed this close to each other. This was how they were meant to be.
“How are you feeling?” He asked after a few minutes of silence.
She rolled him onto his back, snuggling into his chest and lifting a leg over him so the baby wasn’t squished. “Good, I’m excited to go back home later.”
“You’re not scared,” his fingers ran through her hair as she felt his breath on her face.
“No,” she shook her head against him. “Yesterday could’ve been a lot worse, but I’m trained to think on my feet and the danger is gone now. I’m never going to let myself be a victim in my own home.”
“I love you,” he reminded her. “And after yesterday-“
“I want to get married soon too,” she cut him off, getting up and sitting on his hips. She ran her hands over his chest as she looked down at his beautiful, still puffy, morning face.
He beamed up at her, “I feel it too, I want to make it official. I want to shout it from the rooftops that the love of my life chose me too.”
She nodded softly, “and we agreed that in April this year we’d go to Vegas, and we’d do it. I think we still should, I just want to plan it a little.”
“Of course,” he agreed, squeezing her thighs in his excitement. “Come here.”
She held his face in her hands as she leaned down, rubbing her thumb over his bottom lip as she looked at him ever so softly. “I love you,” she said before kissing him.
His hands wandered over her back, holding her into the kiss. Breathing in deep through his nose, kissing her as if they hadn’t seen each other in months.
Spencer was desperate to love her, and she was desperate to be loved by him.
She broke the kiss to just look at him, moving his hair back and pressing her forehead against his. “The park across the street from my parents house,” she whispered.
“Mhmm.”
“I want to get married there, I want to start the rest of my life in the spot where I first really fell in love with you,” she explained, her lips close enough to him that the words could have stuck to his skin.
“I think I can pull some strings and get us a permit by April,” He smiled against her lips, “what day are we thinking?”
“The 23rd, 1 year exactly,” she said before Spencer pulled her back into another kiss, this time it’s soft and delicate. “Until forever,” she whispered against his lips.
“You need to promise me one thing,” he added. Feeling her nod as she kissed down his neck. “I know you said you’re fine, but the second you’re not I need you to tell me.”
“Okay,” she agreed, sitting back up as she straddled his hips. “You have to do the same, I can’t handle you crying in my arms like that again, it really broke my heart.”
He held his pinky out to her, she smiled as she wrapped her own around his. Both leaning in to kiss the other's knuckle, a small tradition Y/N adored.
—
They were back at their house by 5 pm. Hotch had ensured that everything was completely cleaned and there was 0 evidence that a crime had even taken place on the property. Penelope on the other hand had taken it upon herself to break into their alarm system and reset it for them shortly after everyone left.
They changed the code, closed the door and sighed at the beautiful home that felt a little different now. “I think I want to paint,” she announced.
“Yeah?” Spencer laughed at the suddenness.
“It’s too blah, y’know? I see what they were doing with the whites and beige for all the light. But, I’m thinking green in here to flow with the cabinets in the kitchen,” she walked through the foyer as she imagined the colours that would look good. “Like an olive or forest, maybe even jade. It’ll look nice with the dark wood.”
“That would be nice,” Spencer agreed. “Make it feel more like the old apartment.”
“Exactly,” she smiled. “I miss the clutter and the intimacy of the last place, and I know you miss the look of books everywhere.”
“I’m still alphabetizing them in my office,” he added. “I’d like to paint in there as well, I’ve been looking at antique chairs and couches for my reading.”
“Hotch is going to make us take 2 weeks off again,” Y/N looked at him with excitement. “We can put all our energy into this place now.”
“Let’s make it ours,” He agreed.
“Wanna go to the hardware store and look at paint samples?” She hopped with excitement, grabbing his arm and tugging on him.
He laughed, pulling her into his chest. “Sure, bunny,” he pressed his cheek to the top of her head as he held her. “What about Matthew’s room?”
“Oh, me and Penelope have it all planned, all the stuff is being delivered next month. She kinda went a little nuts,” Y/N laughed.
“He’s going to be one loved little boy,” Spencer chuckled. “Come on, let’s go.”
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The Force Awakens
Almost 4 years ago, I started my Star Wars rewatch by watching the original series in preparation to watch the Force Awakens. Then I rewatched the prequels before The Last Jedi. And now I’m seeing Rise of Skywalker on Sunday, so it’s time to rewatch the 2 other sequels.
I’ve rewatched the Force Awakens a couple of times since I first saw it, so it should still be fresh in my mind. As for the Last Jedi, I have not been able to bring myself to watch that one because of the ending. Not because I hated it, I loved it, but because it hurts.
Also, this gives me a distraction so I don’t get spoiled for Rise of Skywalker. Again. Can’t believe I’ve been spoiled twice already in just 2 days... luckily it was the same spoiler twice. One that was vague and I hoped it wasn’t right, but then the other one was a gif of the scene so now I know it’s true. Ugh...
This is super long and I apologize in advance.
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...” I didn’t see the Force Awakens in theaters. I saw it at home nearly a year later (after getting spoiled for all major plot points during that year). So I can’t IMAGINE the pure joy that people felt when they got to see the opening title crawl for the first time in 10 years. I wish I had seen it in theaters.
Ok. I don’t like that I can’t pause Disney+ with the spacebar like other streaming sites let me... or maybe it’s just my computer. ANYWAY. I forgot that the opening crawl literally says “Skywalker, the last Jedi” in it, accidentally telling us the title of the next movie.
Yeah so I can already tell I’ll be pausing every like 2 seconds. But I love this opening shot of a ship blocking out a MOON.
Oh and NOW the spacebar works to pause.
One of those stormtroopers is Finn. Awww.
BB8! I didn’t realize he’s (they’re?) the first character we see (that we know is an important character since at this point we don’t really know which stormtrooper is Finn).
Poe!
Giving a message to a droid... so I know we like to think of Poe as the Han of the sequel trio... but honestly he’s the Leia.
Yeah I mean... a friend (or at least co-worker) smearing their blood on your face with their hand as they die is definitely traumatizing enough to make you rethink your life. Finn, I don’t blame you.
I started this scene like “Oh we’re gonna get the Knights of Ren and Kylo freezing the blaster ray using the Force” then I got so into the scene that I forgot Kylo was going to show up at all.
It’s not a Star Wars rewatch if my grandma doesn’t call and interrupt at least once. This time it was right as Kylo came out of the ship.
Kylo’s powerful. I’ll give him that. Holding that blaster ray for as long as he's about to.
I love Poe looking back at it.
Poe’s first lines to Kylo are joking about who gets to talk first, when Kylo’s literally still holding a blaster ray in midair and knows Poe has the map he wants. And people say “General Hugs” during a battle was out of character.
GENERAL PHASMA! GWENDOLINE MY QUEEN!
Poor baby Finn.
[BB8 moans softly] BB8 NO DON’T CRY.
Oh poor Finn. But yay first time we see his face! It just hit me that now I’m the same age/older than John and Daisy when they filmed this... great....
AND REY!
I remember when we first saw footage of her climbing around, I said to my dad “I think that’s supposed to be Han and Leia’s daughter.” So far I’m wrong. I’ve been holding out hope for years that maybe just maybe there will be a twist and I’m right. I’m fine with her parents being nobodies, but I kind of want to be right. I’m probably not.
The scale of that ship behind her...
The shot of her speeding across the desert has such... original trilogy vibes.
It never registered to me that Rey has some wilting flowers. That brings new meaning to the “so much green” scene later...
Awwww the practical effect bread... Ok. I’m being nit picky, but they drained it just a split second too early. If it’d drained just a millisecond later, it would have been perfectly timed with the inflation of the bread. But that’s just me nitpicking for no reason. It’s an impressive effect.
“Classified? Me too. Big secret.” LOL even at the time I knew the fandom was making a big fuss about that line for nothing. Too on the nose for it to truly be a big secret she’s keeping from the world. I figured she meant it was a big secret to her. Of course... then people got mad that they wasted their time analyzing that... it’s their own fault really.
I forgot that they actually eventually get the location of the map out of Poe.
Oh and hi General Hugs!
“This is a rescue. I’m helping you escape.” Yep Poe is Leia. She was initially being rescued, but then ends up having to help rescue her rescuer(s) while they’re trying to rescue her.
“Because it’s the right thing to do.” If Finn was raised as a stormtrooper, even just to work in sanitation, he wouldn’t necessarily have a moral compass since he wouldn’t know what’s right... at this point I think he just knows he doesn’t like killing... Like how Zuko didn’t realize he wasn’t good because he was taught something else was good. (YES. Finn is closer to Zuko)
“You need a pilot” “I need a pilot” Ok see so it’s not necessarily what’s right, but he knows this is how he can get out. Sorta selfish, but not really.
Oooooh yeah! It’s Thomas Brodie-Sangster! Forgot he was in this.
Wilhelm Scream!
Poe naming Finn. Aww.
Ok see. How does Kylo know Finn’s identification? Did he ask Phasma “who was the one with the blood on his helmet?” right after they got back on the ship? Because otherwise, he’d have no way to tell them apart in that moment, I don’t think they have their names on their armor unless I never noticed, and even then Kylo would be too far away to read it.
There’s a picture of little baby Finn... he was so young when the First Order took him (I assume they took him, I’d hate it if his parents sent him there)
OH WOW. ANOTHER WOMAN! Oh and it’s whats-her-face, she was in Deathly Hallows Part 1. (IMDB says Kate Fleetwood) See, back in the day the Empire had no women in their ranks. This is the only thing the First Order is doing right, equal opportunity to be a space Nazi.
I forgot that the wreckage gets sucked into the sand... that sucks. Here’s where Poe would have died if Oscar hadn’t been so charismatic. Also, do we ever find out how he survived this?
I forgot about the explosion afterwards that just adds insult to injury. Was that necessary? Was that supposed to be funny? If it was, why are people criticizing the Last Jedi’s humor if this moment tries to make us laugh at a character dying... I hope that wasn’t meant to be funny...
My poor baby... stranded on a strange desert planet... alone... with the First Order looking for him...
I love this giant hippo thing. I want one.
Whiny fanboys: Rey’s a Mary Sue! She can’t know how to fight already!
Rey: *Been fighting creeps at the market since she was born*
And I love how she caught Finn.
Oh nooo BB8 no don’t cry!
Finn, babe, why would you just tell Rey about the map!? Babe! I get that you want to seem reliable and credible, but baby! No!
The way Rey was sort of horrified by Finn holding her hand... makes me really wonder what she’s been through.
“Stop taking my hand!”
Aww and how she offers her hand to him.
“The garbage will do” Oh how I wish I hadn’t been spoiled that that was the Millennium Falcon reveal. But that line did create a meme so that’s fun.
Wow the Millennium Falcon has been through a LOT.
That dramatic zoom in as they fly into the ship (I’m sorry, I do not have ship names memorized) was very Torchwood. The sudden, almost shaky and unnecessary zoom.
That upside down shot though. Amazing. And also terrifying.
“You’re ok. He’s with the Resistance” *BB8 gives Finn a pointed look* I am DEAD.
Oh and the Powerpoint style transitions between scenes. Very necessary. Vital to every Star Wars movie.
Kylo. You’re like 30. You should not still have temper tantrums. Grow up.
Awww BB8. The internal battle. Followed by the thumbs up. Adorable.
Literally for a second I was like “How could the First Order override the controls of the Millennium - HAN!!!!”
HAN AND CHEWIE!!!!!
I will never forget watching the Force Awakens trailer for the first time with my dad, and nearly sobbing over “Chewie... we’re home.”
Also what the hell, Chewie has been through SO MUCH and he’s STILL around! He was protecting Yoda in Revenge of the Sith! And then ends up enslaved and being fed people before Han meets him in Solo!?!?!? What?!?!?!? AND had a whole family before all of that!?!??!?!?!?
Also, watching Solo and realizing that Chewie’s been forced to eat people literally shattered my heart into a billion pieces. I wanted to cry seeing him covered in that mud and trying to kill Han.
Aww, Han and Chewie know the hiding places.
I’m not even a third of the way through and I’ve written way too much.
Finn: Han Solo, the Rebellion general?
Rey: No, the smuggler!
Finn: Wasn’t he a war hero?
Chewie: *Grunts and shrugs ‘I don’t know’*
That says so much about all of their characters.
Oh god the 12 parsecs thing. I was legitimately MAD when I was watching Solo and realized that they had actually figured out a way to make the 12 parsecs thing make sense. That they actually solved and fixed George Lucas’ mistake, when he was literally just trying to find a cool word and didn’t care about the actual meaning. I am still so angry they managed to fix it in a way that made sense. I started raging once I realized that they were doing it.
Awww Han in the cockpit.
Ok Finn there you go again, telling everyone about the map to Luke. You’re lucky that Han’s one of the few people it’s good to tell. It could have gone so wrong with Rey.
That subtle Binary Sunset piercing my heart.
Hey it’s that kid from that Eaters of Light episode of Doctor Who. And when I watched that episode I was like hey it’s that kid from the Force Awakens. He looks familiar to me, but those are the only two things I’ve seen him in.
“I got a bad feeling about this” He said the thing!
Yeah the Rathtars are gross.
Aww and he grabbed her hand again to run.
I just noticed that they made the camera lens blurry on the edge, like some of the goo got on it.
“That was lucky.” Rey’s so modest.
I forgot that they hyperspeeded through the Rathtar... also did that happen in the original series too or am I just remembering it wrong? Anyway, Admiral Holdo did it best.
2nd mention of the last Jedi. Also, LOL remember when everyone was theorizing who Snoke was? My favorite theory was that he was Mace Windu. That was a WILD conspiracy theory.
“In the hands of your father... Han Solo.” Oh the dramatic reveal.
Awww BB8 running away from Chewie’s roar.
Awwww the hologram game! And it’s still stop motion!
“It’s true. The Force. The Jedi. All of it.” I forget what video I was watching, but they pointed out that this was Han’s arc. Learning to believe in the Force. I guess in that way, he has a satisfying ending.
“I didn’t know there was this much green in the whole galaxy” I remember people saying that Han’s face is basically him thinking ‘...oh no... looks like I gotta adopt this kid.’
...It’s hitting me that we’re going to see Leia in this movie... and I’m gonna be emotional...
...AM I JUST NOW REALIZING THAT CHEWIE’S STRAP OVER HIS CHEST IS A STRAP TO A BAG? I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST TO HOLD AMMO OR SOMETHING?!?!? I’ve been a Star Wars fan for HOW many years and I’m just noticing this?!!?
Also, in an alternate universe, Han survives and Rey goes off with him and Chewie and they have smuggling adventures and everyone’s happy and alive.
Catina music by Lin Manuel! Yay!
WOLFMAN! THEY PUT THE WOLFMAN IN THIS! WOW. Look at them shading George Lucas’s rerelease edits.
...Ok so Maz is definitely Force sensitive if she knew Han was there right away, right?
Also, Maz is an example of how before Rose Tico and whoever Naomi plays in RoS (I will not google her character name because I know I will get spoiled), we very rarely see AND hear women of color, we get just one or the other. They’re either in the background with no lines or playing a character that isn’t a human if they have lines. The only exception coming to mind is the Queen of Naboo who took over after Padme, Jamillia.
Ok I forgot that the lady who rats them out to the First Order actually gets a line and isn’t painted green, so good for her! I love her costume too. Too bad she’s evil.
See. We hear the breathing of Vader, because Ani is so done with his idiot grandson worshipping him that he’s sighing in defeat in the afterlife. Ani needs to Force Ghost himself over to Kylo and be like “DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN I THREW A SITH LORD DOWN A HOLE THAT IT MEANT I WAS TURNING AGAINST THE DARK SIDE? DID THAT GO OVER YOUR HEAD? DID MY ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC GO OVER YOUR HEAD??” Please, what I want most from the Rise of Skywalker (besides making sure Leia gets the proper send off she deserves) is Hayden coming back as a Force Ghost and knocking some sense into Kylo.
Oh Finn.
The captions tell us who was talking during the vision... and there WAS a lot of Obi-Wan dialogue...
Also poor Rey. She probably definitely remembers her parents, but just blocked it out.
Now. If after the endless lines of soldiers, the podium with a giant red and black flag behind it, and the arms rising up still make the space Nazi thing go over your head... then we just can’t help you anymore.
HEY! WAS THAT WHATSHERFACE?!? Ghost from Ant-Man and the Wasp? Was that her? Yes! IMDB says it was Hannah John-Kamen! Look at you girl! Too bad you’re evil too.
Ok. I will admit that I blanked out for General Hugs’ speech because who wants to listen to a space Nazi. But, has the Star Destroyer been mentioned before this point in the movie? Because I literally can’t remember. If Hugs said it then I probably let my mind wander.
Oh and I do appreciate these two dudes who were like “Yeah sure Finn, come with us, work for a bit, and we’ll help you get far away” and were going to let Finn come along with them. They seem nice.
Also. Here’s the girl who’s not Freema Ageman. Not every black girl is Martha Jones. The entire internet was like “Martha was in Star Wars!” then I watched the movie and I was like “...that literally was not Freema what are you all on about?” IMDB says she’s Maisie Richardson-Sellers, she’s also in Legends of Tomorrow, which is something I do hope to watch one day. So good for her.
The ion engines sounded like the TARDIS for a split second and I was VERY confused.
“How did you get that?” “A good question for another time.” Ok JJ you gotta stop with all these unanswered questions that you pose. I get that that’s your thing. And that you have some term for it. But there’s too many now. This one better get answered in Rise of Skywalker.
That behind the back shot though. I’m convinced Han’s Force sensitive too. Not even convinced, I think it’s canon.
LOL remember when everyone named that stormtrooper who recognized Finn TR-8R.
Finn: *Manages to function using a lightsaber even though he’s only trained with blasters*
Fanboys: *Silence*
Rey: *Fights with a lightsaber well since she’s fought with sticks her whole life and it’s a similar concept*
Fanboys: MARY SUE! SHE CAN’T BE THAT GOOD THAT FAST!
Oh my god it’s the Resistance FINALLY.
POE!!!! Yes, I did just scream “Poe!!” out loud.
Now, I’m not sure where these forest scenes were filmed, but if you told me the same forest where half of Merlin’s forest scenes were filmed then I would not be shocked. Merlin had some scenes in a similarly narrow trench/valley/pathway/thing.
No but seriously, yes the plants look like they’re more tropical than whatever forest Merlin filmed in in the UK, but the trench looks so similar.
Oh god the second we saw Leia I froze. And then Leia’s Theme played and I had a sad smile. And then C-3PO popped up and I laughed.
Awwww. I love C-3PO so much. There’s so much that body language can convey.
Oh no. While watching Finn and Poe reunite, I suddenly remembered that fanedit that put Helpless from Hamilton as the background of the scene. And i laughed. Oh 2015. When all we cared about was Star Wars and Hamilton.
That lip bite. Oscar stop it.
Billie Lourd!
So I’ve realized over the years that R2D2 kind of sucks. Not that I don’t love him. But he spends the entire original trilogy lying by omission, when he could have just told them everything he knew from the prequels (since he WITNESSED everything and didn’t have his memory erased like 3PO did). And now, he just sits back while everyone scrambles to find Luke and does nothing, WHEN HE HAS THE ANSWER. Yes. I get that it’s deeper than that. But still. It’s funny to think that R2 just wants to sit back and watch the drama unfold while not telling anyone that Vader is Luke’s dad or that he has Luke’s map. (Unless I’m remembering it incorrectly and R2 doesn’t have it. If that’s the case R2 gets a pass this one time.) [It wasn’t the case, R2 doesn’t get a pass]
“It is very doubtful that R2 would have the rest of the map in his backup data.” C-3PO are you sure? Because I’m not. I think low-power mode means R2 wants to relax and watch the soap opera that is Star Wars unfold.
“There’s still light in him, I know it.” For your sake Leia, I hope there is too. But Kylo is going to need a hell of a redemption arc in tRoS.
See, and I can’t remember when I found this out, but the ashes that he puts his helmet in are the ashes of people he’s killed. Kylo Ren SAVES the ashes. He has a TUB of them in his office. What is WRONG with him!??!
Yeah so him reading her mind about the ocean was just plain creepy. I just... don’t understand Reylo shippers.
“You. You’re afraid... that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.” And he’s right to be afraid! Ani eventually had the strength to turn himself around! Kylo Ren could never! I won’t believe it till I see it! And even then I might not believe it!
I think that people forget that Kylo’s supposed to be like 30 years old. I will say that Adam plays the role in this first movie like Kylo’s very young with a hint of a tiny possibility that he feels like he’s in over his head. Really he only plays it that way when the helmet’s off. So I get that he seems younger, but Adam was like 30 when he filmed this too. So why do so many fans coddle Kylo when he’s a grown man? A grown man who’s killing people. After a certain point, you can’t blame Luke or his parents or Snoke... if the guy is literally worshipping his grandfather and ignoring the fact that even Ani turned back to the light side... then the guy has issues.
Rey failed twice before getting the Jedi mind trick right. Also, I love that Daisy’s face kind of sorta softened with less fear before she said the command and got it right.
I’ve seen the scene of the stormtroopers literally going “Nope” and turning away from Kylo’s tantrum many times over the years, but I didn’t realize that Kylo screams “GUARDS” as he does it until I saw the caption just now. So not only are the stormtroopers like “I don’t want to get into that” they’re like “Let’s act like we didn’t hear him scream for us and let someone else get into that.” Which is even more hilarious.
Ok it’s Starkiller not Star Destroyer. Whatever. I was close. But I knew that Luke’s last name was originally Starkiller, so I honestly should have guessed Starkiller in the first place. Whatever.
Hey Admiral Akbar!
The guy talking about the thermal oscillator looks familiar... was he in Night Shift... IMDB says he’s Ken Leung and yes he was in the Night Shift! Good for him!
Awww that was the last time Han and Leia ever saw each other...
“That’s not how the Force works.”
The captions are telling me that the stormtroopers Rey is hiding from are just talking about how much their new weapons suck. That’s hilarious.
“Is there a garbage shoot? Trash compactor?” Oh Han, I see what you did there.
Wow, I didn’t notice that the walls of the base are rock, that it’s literally built INTO the planet.
Awwwww Finn gave Rey his jacket! I was thinking she must be cold in just a t-shirt after living in a desert.
Because I rewatched the last half of RotJ after Force Awakens, I was able to realize that this scene of Han and Chewie planting the bombs was a reference to RotJ, but only because of watching Force Awakens earlier that day. Really, I should have gotten the reference the other way around.
“We’ll meet back here.” NOOOOO BUT YOU WON’T. THIS IS THE LAST TIME!
Wait, did we not know his name was Ben before this? Was that the moment we all realized he was named after Obi-Wan? (Also, never really got that since Han and Leia knew Obi-Wan for only a couple of days at most... but whatever)
Chewie keep going! Keep going and planting bombs while they’re distracted by Han! Come on!
Ok I wanted to mention it earlier, but there was a lightbeam hitting Kylo when Snoke’s hologram disappeared, and that was after Snoke told him to be careful of going back to the light. Now as Han walks towards Kylo, there’s another lightbeam. It’s all very literal, but still. I like it.
UH OH. I forgot about the light from the sun going away. Now Kylo’s literally in the darkness. We’re getting super literal now.
(Also, I now realize that Poe’s line of “As long as we have the light we have a chance” was also a on-the-nose reference to light vs. dark and not just exposition about stopping the Starkiller, though it was also exposition.)
I like to think that Han sorta knew that Kylo would kill him, and that he hoped it would eventually lead him to the light in some way and be worth it. But wow seeing Han fall hurts.
OH AND LEIA. I FORGOT ABOUT LEIA KNOWING IMMEDIATELY AND JUST SINKING DOWN. OH I HURT.
See. Finn’s literally just using a lightsaber like any other sword. Just hit your target with it. Because anyone can do that.
Yes Rey! Summon that lightsaber! Earn that Binary Sunset!
Trench run. Because Star Wars.
Ok I gotta replay all of that because I was too busy getting lost in my mind about something and got distracted. Why is the Starkiller base falling apart? Ok got it, Poe hit a bunch of stuff that exploded. Cool.
Ok see. Some of the fans think fighting with a lightsaber is like a integral part of being one with the Force and being a Jedi. But literally, you just need to know is how to fight with a sword or a stick and you can fight with a lightsaber. The Force just means you’re better at predicting your opponent’s next moves, sensing the danger, knowing the best move to make, etc. That’s why Rey started winning against Kylo when he said “Join me and let me teach you the ways of the Force.” Before that, she’s just fighting like she would with her stick and all that’s doing is helping her survive and keep Kylo at bay, but she’s not winning. Being reminded that she’s Force sensitive let her tap into that and start incorporating that into the fight. Now she’s using the skills she already has, and using the Force to help her predict Kylo’s moves. She’s not magically good at using a lightsaber, she just already had skills that were easily transferable to a lightsaber and using the Force to enhance it.
I don’t think we’ve lost any arms yet in this movie, besides C-3PO off-screen.
OH. AND SNOKE SAYS KYLO NEEDS TO COMPLETE HIS TRAINING! He’s not even a full Sith Lord yet! He’s still being trained! So no, Rey did not just defeat a powerful Sith Lord, she defeated a Sith Lord in training. And she barely defeated him, he was already injured, she just fought hard enough to bring him to the ground. Then the ground literally separated them. Basically, I’m tired of people being mad that Rey has skills, she already had them. Plus, she’s not magically the most powerful Jedi ever like Ani was, she’s just strong. So go critique Ani for being literal space Jesus.
Oh Chewie. He’s alone saving Finn and Rey. My heart is breaking.
All teams, Poe? You mean you and the other two who are left?
Ok fine, there are a couple more X-Wings behind the Millennium Falcon. You and the other 6 who are left.
Playing the Love Theme one last time. I am hurting.
OH. NOW YOU WAKE UP, R2D2? NOW YOU WAKE UP? AFTER HAN DIES, YOU WAKE UP?
Aww BB8′s like “Dad! Give me the map! I wanna put the puzzle together!”
So I was right to be mad at R2D2. Literally sitting back, watching the drama, then at the end is like “Oh by the way, I have all the rest of the information you needed.” (Yes, I realize that I guess we’re supposed to infer that he spent all those years in low power mode trying to find the map, but whatever.)
“May the Force be with you.” Oh Leia. Oh Carrie.
Oh R2D2 NOW you’re excited. If you wanted to see Luke so bad, you should have found the map faster.
You just know Luke knew they were coming, so he was like “Let me get my cloak out and stand on the highest point all mysteriously.” since he too lives for the drama (as we saw from all the flips in RotJ).
Oh I love that ending so much. Some people think Last Jedi ruins the suspense of the ending. I love it. I love that Luke takes a minute to just stare at Rey and the lightsaber before deciding to chuck it over a cliff.
I’m watching the credits, and I noticed that Harrison gets first billing. I literally just said out loud “Why does Harri- ok no fine actually” since I realized this was his last Star Wars movie, so give him first billing. He deserves it.
So that’s the Force Awakens. Very enjoyable. I forget where I heard/read this, but the Force Awakens and Rogue One are like Star Wars comfort food. Super full of nostalgia.
And I do agree at least to an extent. Especially since the Force Awakens is like A New Hope all over again. A droid with a special message. Evil character with a spherical base that destroys planets. The evil Empire’s gone, but the evil First Order has taken over. And the Rebels are now the Resistance and are not that much better off than they were before.
But I LIVE for the nostalgia. Throughout the entirety of the prequels, I said that the best moments were the callbacks/references to the original series. The sequels do that better, so I really enjoy them.
Also I don’t actually hate R2D2. But the theory/idea that R2 is secretly a horrible person because of the fact he seems to know everything but never actually tell anyone what he knows is hilarious to me. And I never realized how well the Force Awakens fits into that theory. So it’s super funny to me.
Now hopefully, I can watch all of The Last Jedi tomorrow. I have a bit of a day... and this rewatch took like 4 hours since I literally paused every 2 seconds to write something. For the Last Jedi, I need to try to write less so I can pause less and finish the movie.
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Hello, we haven't talked much lately, but I admire you so much for continuing to survive, I've just recently broke up with my boyfriend whose relationship had been going on for almost 4 years and it feels like the world doesn't make any sense, but seeing you keeping on surviving gives me hope that grief is temporary and that even though it hurts, we keep on healing, and I hope you're healing too
I just want to start by saying this is one of the sweetest anons I’ve ever gotten. Next, I’ve written just a way in-depth thing to peek at at your leisure. It’s a lot because I can sometimes be a Talky Tim, but I hope you read it.
I’m sorry you and your boyfriend broke up. I know that seems really weak, but know when I say it that I mean it. A human connection and an entire lifestyle have been ripped from you, and I absolutely 4000% know how absolutely garbage that feels.
I know people usually end up giving unsolicited advice around this point, and if it’s OK I’d love to try and help with some empathetic advice.
First and foremost, it’s going to be incredibly, INCREDIBLY easy to wallow. The situation sucks, your new one sucks, and,as you said, nothing in the world makes sense right now.
That’s OK. It is going to next to impossible to tell yourself that, but it is. You’re not this infallible Metatron, you’re human and it’s absolutely OK for something to suck beyond any reasonable meaning and you can let it without letting it consume you.
Another thing I wanted to address is the grief is temporary. It’s not that it’s temporary, it’s that the intensity of grief is temporary. It’s said a lot, but every day does make it a little easier to accept. There are a lot of days where some situations for me still hurt, but, again, I try not to let it consume me.
Something that definitely helped me that might be worth trying is that for a lot of it… I suppress a lot of things, so usually when the situation’s happening or it just happened I don’t end up addressing it or it doesn’t really strike me until much later.
I’m not suggesting suppression, just trying to give you an idea of my coping mechanism in case yours is similar. Whenever the situations resurface, I kind of let it hit me completely and then, as hard as it sometimes is, I try and address it like I think a therapist would.
Would a therapist be hard on me and give into my self-validating of self-destructive behaviors? Probably not. They would probably ask me how it makes me feel, even if it’s obvious outwardly, walk me through why, and then try and refocus it into something productive.
Something like… you WANT to tell yourself… OK, let’s say you’re blaming purely yourself for the break-up and it’s really easy to focus on all of the bad and suddenly the relationship just seems like it was one big mistake and waste of time and you’re just in THAT headspace.
A therapist probably would let you purge until it became cyclic, and then stop you and ask,”Can you tell me five good times, no matter how small?” You have to break the cycle, because, if you let it, it’ll keep going ‘round and ‘round.
It’ll probably seem silly, but essentially fighting yourself on,”I feel bad and nothing is good,” with,”I feel bad, but I would like to not feel bad,” could possibly help. You deserve to be happy, and when things like a break up happen it’s really hard to accept something like that. And I understand, but I think it’s worth trying because it’s helped me get through really bad days.
Speaking of fighting yourself on bad habits, don’t self-isolate. You’ll think you don’t want to bother your friends, or be a Debby Downer, or all that other self-validation to then self-isolate to then wallow. Break the cycle, reach out to friends. You don’t have to focus on the problem when you’re with them, and people are USUALLY down to help if they can.
Go out to a restaurant you’ve never been to before, go to a freakin’ park and reminisce about old times in the friend group, play some game you’ve been meaning to play but put off, watch some dumb show or movie on Netflix and have a laugh, but do something. And fight all the thoughts that it’s not OK for you to be doing it, and all the thoughts that you’re being a bother, or wish you were in a relationship again and all of it.
It’s OK to be selfish about feeling better, and you’re worth it. No matter what anyone says to you, no matter what you say to yourself. You don’t need to completely believe it at first, but definitely humor it if you feel like you can.
You messaged me on Anon, so I completely understand you didn’t wanna go too nuts about sharing you completely. Get that, too. If you want to talk about anything, you can always message me and I’ll keep trying to help if I can/you’ll let me. And again, I hope literally… any of this helps.EDIT: I just wanted to add this to give you some more context to where this is all coming from.When I was 21~22, things were really rough. I was living with two drug-addicted friends and I was working in customer service for the first time, but ultimately I didn’t know what to do with myself or my life. I’d broken up with my then girlfriend months prior and made a slew of mistakes, but through my friend and I met another friend who I felt like I bonded with on a deep level. I feel now like she just has that effect on people, maybe, but anyways.While I was living with my friends, I was also helping this other friend out of a really bad jam. The same day we got her, who we’ll call L, out of the situation, everything kinda went south.My friends were always zonked, so I never really had anyone to confide in, and it’s that age where everyone has shit going on, right? So I ended up watching Leaving Las Vegas and decided to go out like the main character did, except I didn’t really internalize that it took MONTHS of binge-drinking to get there.I had a lot of times where I thought I got close, heart palpitations and all of that. Every time I thought I was close, I’d message L. I did this to the point where it was practically crying wolf. L responded every single time.On the last time I made an attempt, L came over. She fed me, and got me in bed, told me she was worried. I thought I was close, going on a two week streak with almost no food or water, just alcohol. I started saying shit I was regretting while saying it, basically damning her for helping me and asking why she even bothered.L said a friend of hers had attempted and succeeded, and she didn’t want to go through that again if she could help it. After that, the next morning I made it my mission to not do that shit ever again if I could help it. L really meant a lot to me, and I could tell she was genuinely hurt from my lashing out. I wasn’t sure if she would come if I cried wolf again.I’d also realized I couldn’t put that on someone like that. It felt terrible, L deserved to live a life that was worry-free after what she’d been dealing with. She was trying to get to a point where she was happy and I was taking up a lot of her attention for selfish reasons.But the point of all this is that I learned that even if it seems impossible, you can take responsible for your own happiness. I still sometimes hit up L if it seems like it’s too much and I think she would know better, because she’s amazing and absolutely someone I wish I was better friends with, but that night is just branded into me.Even at my absolute lows, I try and remember L just wanted me to be OK, too. That at MY absolute worst, she stood by me. And that the least I can do is meet her half-way, and to never generate a situation where she might even feel the slightest bit responsible. Maybe you have someone you confided in this deeply, too. Even if not, I’m sure there’s someone. When you can’t believe in you, try and believe in the people who believe in you. And again, if it’s all too much and you think none of your friends would get or something I will more than happily take a stab at trying to help.
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