#speaking as someone who only got diagnosed with pcos after years of hell periods | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sup4l3e · 3 years

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I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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glamourouslife99 · 5 years

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Mama Hen’s Wisdom For A New Year...

It’s a new year, chicks. It’s hard for me to believe that 20 years have passed us by since we WERE partying in the year 1999. I turned 21 that year, and thought I knew it ALL. Let me tell you, chitlin’s- I didn’t know shit. I found out roughly a year ago, a man I was involved with from around February of 1999 until May of 1999, respectively, passed away from cancer. There was a pain in my heart for a moment. Neil wasn’t a *bad* guy exactly, he was just a liar, and I was naïve and fell for it. He told me that he was in the process of getting a divorce, it just wasn’t final. That is WARNING SIGN NUMBER ONE ladies AND gentlemen. 9 out of 10 times, there’s NO divorce pending, and their spouses have NO idea there’s even a problem. He was a football coach at his local high school in another state. We talked every day while I was at work, and nightly on the computer. It just so happens, Mama Hen despite being young and naïve, was no fool. Things just didn’t seem right. Ya’ll trust me, when they don’t feel right- trust your gut. Most of the time, your gut IS right. Back in the late 90’s, emails were easy to hack. I was SICK when I hacked his. He was talking to ALL kinds of women, and there was NO divorce. Talk about a punch in the gut. I was devastated. I was so in love with him, and this man was nothing but a liar. Needless to say, my heart was broken, but I dumped him like a hot potato. Was Neil the ONLY bad decision I made that year? Nah. Not by a LONG shot, but that’s part of being young. You make mistakes. You learn. The problem was, I didn’t have anyone really to help me along. My mother was just a saint. She didn’t drink. She didn’t smoke. She was a virgin when she got married. She did NOTHING. She did EVERYTHING her mother told her to. EVERYTHING. In absolutely NO way could she relate to me. None. Being a teenager, and then young adult was harder than hell with no one to relate to, or help guide me, that’s why you have Mama Hen. Mama Hen is here to break it down to you. I’m going to share with you, what I wish someone would’ve shared with me. You get ONE BODY. Love it. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, how short it is, how tall it is, how thin it is, how fat it is, how much excess skin it has, how dark the skin is, how light the skin is, what color your hair is, or if you have any hair at all. This body is YOURS. No one else has to live in it but YOU. Take care of it the best you can, and advocate for it. Don’t let ANYONE SHAME IT. PERIOD. Anyone who does- fuck them. I once weighed 400lbs. After being diagnosed with PCOS, and getting a proper treatment, I began to lose weight slowly. To this day, I’ve kept off over 180lbs. Do I have excess skin? You bet. Is my body what would be considered beautiful by most? Nope. I’ve got zero fucks to give. I wear a bikini to the pool every summer with my daughter. I want her to see that no matter what, I support body positivity, and that if you want to wear a bikini, put one on. This body has gained 200lbs, and then lost close to it again. This body has carried and given birth to two children. This body has nursed two babies. This body right now is fighting to stay alive through so many chronic pain/illnesses that after living 40 years in this body, I’m going to wear what I want, and do what I want. Don’t let anything stop YOU. Don’t let weight. Don’t let ability. Don’t let what peers at school, work, or family say or think. Don’t let society put you in a box by what they feel YOU should look like. YOU should look like whatever YOU think you should look like. Newsflash, if they don’t like it, they don’t have to fucking look at it. Girlfriend and boyfriend, you have EVERY right to exist on YOUR own terms! Do it! Don’t let anyone stop you! We are sexual beings. Don’t ever let someone shame you for your sexuality or being sexual. DO. NOT. SLUT. SHAME. Do NOT shame those who are choosing NOT be sexually active either. If you’re a virgin in your late teens, in your 20’s, or even later, (for various reasons- be it religious convictions, you haven’t found the right person, or you are DESPERATELY horny! And would jump the first person who said yes!) Don’t be ashamed! Things happen right when they are supposed to. Never be ashamed. I cannot hammer home this point enough- PLEASE, PLEASE- ALWAYS USE SAFER SEX PRACTICES, and USE THEM CORRECTLY! Yes, there are actually right and wrong ways to use birth control/STD prevention methods and devices. Know your status and know the status of your partner. Your life is too important not to.

If you are an ally to a friend someone who is LBGTQ, make sure you put your money where your mouth is. By this, I mean stand up for your friends. Being a young person is hard enough, but our LBGTQ youth (and yes, I know I’m old calling the late teens early 20’s our youth), have struggles those of us who are cisgendered take for granted. It’s a lot more than just wearing a safety pin on our shirts, and protesting at rallies (although, being there with your friends, and protesting makes a difference- keep that shit up). Be there when they need a friend. When you see injustice, speak up, even if your voice shakes. I know not everyone is going to be as outspoken and loud as I am, and that’s ok. (Yes, I’m the as loud and outspoken offline as I am on, probably moreso.)

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, and don’t let ANYONE else make you feel guilty, either. Life IS about experience. When you’re young, how many people really know what the fuck they wanna do with their life? When I was 21, I had an Insurance License to sell Property/Casualty Insurance, I’d already dropped out of beauty school (I did go back and graduate when I was 24), I’d been working for the cosmetic counter I’d dreamt of since I was a Freshman in high school for 3 years, bought the car of my dreams 2 years before, and you know what? I felt completely lost. Had NO idea what I wanted to do. I got married at age 24. Had my first child at age 30. My second at age 35. Was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, tested positive for Lupus/RA, and began having severe Acute Intermittent Porphyria Attacks at age 40. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I’m dying. I’m 40 years old, and I’m dying. You know, there were a lot of things I *wanted* to do, but I never knew exactly what I wanted to *do* with my life. Time is short. Don’t let people guilt you into doing something you aren’t happy with and you don’t want to do.

That leads me to my next point to hammer home. Don’t put up with abuse- ANY KIND OF ABUSE. Physical, mental, sexual, verbal, or emotional. You are a human being. You have worth. You do NOT deserve to be abused. I don’t care what happened in the past. I don’t care what you’ve done. You do NOT deserve to be hit- you never did. You do NOT deserve to be used sexually/raped/molested- you never did. You do not deserve to be manipulated into doing what someone says for their happiness if it makes you miserable- not now, not ever. You do not deserve to live on eggshells for fear of making someone mad/fearing their anger, or the living hell of the verbal/emotional abuse you’ll take for doing something wrong in their eyes. You don’t deserve that now, you never did. HEAR ME NOW. YOU DO NOT DESERVE ABUSE beautiful young people (and old alike). You do NOT DESERVE ABUSE. Please know your worth. Please know you are loved.

Be kind, but take no shit. I’m from the south. Those of you who are reading this and are from the Southern, US know what I’m talking about. We like our manners down here. We like to say, “Please”, and “Thank you”, “Yes ma’am”, “No ma’am”- you get the picture. We try to be kind to people. We’re the kind of people who will greet you with a smile and try to be helpful and friendly. I like people. I’m a social person by nature, and I do what I can to be a good friend. I’ve said this on more than one occasion, I’m not for everyone, and that’s ok, too. It doesn’t ruffle Mama Hen’s feathers. If we don’t jive, I wish ya well in life, I do. The thing is, I’m not gonna take your shit. I’m the nicest person you’ll ever meet, but never mistake my kindness for weakness. I’ll call you out every time. I don’t take shit. I’m not going to let anyone walk all over me. I didn’t do it at work. I don’t do it at home. I could make a “Sam I am” outta this. You see where I’m going with this. Don’t let people walk all over you. Be kind. Be a friend as best you can, but don’t take shit. Nip it in the bud. The quicker you stop it, the less drama you have to deal with. No one has time for drama. The older you get, the less time and tolerance you’ll have for drama.

Take care of your health. When you’re young, it’s not something you think about. Trust me, I NEVER thought about it. It never crossed my mind at 21. At 21, I never thought I’d be looking at 41, wondering how much time I had left. I never thought at 41, I would’ve already buried 10 of my friends and family members, all under the age of 45 before I turned 41. I thought we’d live forever. I never thought I’d get sick. Go for your yearly physical. Take a multivitamin. Drink your water. Little things can make a big difference.

Practice what you preach. Whatever you are, be a good one. If you’re a out there fighting for change, make it happen the best way you can. If you’re wanting peace, what are you doing to make it happen? If you’re a Christian (and yes, I am), are you taking that “Love One Another Thing” seriously? Remember, it came with no exclusions, that means the people fleeing over the border, our LBGTQ brothers and sisters, the homeless, the hungry, and that person you don’t like in the cubical next to you.

No one is useless. You might feel like you are useless, as if you have no purpose in this world. This is simply not true. If you’re breathing, you’ve got a purpose. So what if you’re not a Harvard Scholar? If you are, that is terrific! I salute you, and I’m proud of you! If you aren’t, that is terrific, and I’m proud of YOU, too! We all have gifts in this world, and we all have something to offer. You may have the gift of simply listening when a friend needs someone to talk to. You may be a gifted artist, who can sketch/draw/paint/craft/sculpt/MORE! You may be a creative person who has a gift for putting words to paper, so to speak, by writing short stories, fan fiction, novels/novellas, scripts- the possibilities are endless! You may be an empathetic person who has the gift of compassion, you may be someone who isn’t able to leave your home, but can offer gifts by support in groups. These are just a few of the MANY, MANY things in this great world, that connect us all. How many people here, on Tumblr have reached out to someone needing help, or found a common interest that has connected them? No one is useless. You have worth. Never let anyone diminish your light. If someone fails to see it, don’t let it extinguish the light inside of YOU.

Take time to take care of your mental health, it’s important. Not everyone has mental health issues, but it’s important to take time for your mental health for self-care to keep yourself in a good place. Take time regularly to do something that makes you happy, and makes you feel alive. Staying in a good frame of mind, and happy is something that is so important. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be something as simple as having a friend come over and watch tv, or going for a walk in the park, going to the club on Friday night, or even staying in for a quiet night and taking a bubble bath- whatever YOUR idea of a good time is, do it.

For those who are living with mental health issues- don’t EVER, and I mean EVER let ANYONE tell you, “It’s All In Your Head”, or shame you for your conditions. Don’t EVER let ANYONE shame you for taking your medications. Hold your head up high, and look them RIGHT in the eye and ask them, “Would you tell an insulin dependent diabetic, “You don’t need that insulin, you can (fill in the blank here IE: pray away, positive think away, new diet away, essential oil away, excuse of the day) that diabetes! Of course not! Why would you think that I don’t need my medication for (your mental illness)” They shouldn’t have a rebuttal. Because it’s ridiculous. I live with several mental illnesses. My mother was NOT understanding. At all. She refused to believe I had Borderline Personality Disorder. She acknowledged I had PTSD, but that was just about it. She treated me horrible. I mean horrible. I’m not going to get into all of that right now- but I refused to take it. I put myself, my health, and my family first. I had to. I took my medication as prescribed. I went to therapy regularly. I use my coping skills and do the best I can. I’m sure as hell not perfect, that’s for sure. Don’t let anyone make you think it’s all in your head, or however you need to heal isn’t ok. Do what YOU need to do, to be ok. Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. They are your tribe.

Don’t be in a rush to get married. Just because your friends are all getting married and having babies, don’t feel like YOU have to, too! Yeah, I know “Say yes to the dress!” is AWESOME! I LOVE me some Lori and Monte, too! My best friend Heather and I had been planning out our respective weddings since we were 8, the grooms constantly changed, but one thing was certain- we wanted BIG. SOUTHERN. WEDDINGS! I wanted to get married more than ANYTHING and wear a beautiful gown, and carry a gorgeous bouquet, and all that stuff! Ya’ll, don’t be in ANY hurry. Please, do NOT get me wrong, I love my husband. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary on December 31st. It’s been a rough road, anything BUT a fairy tale, that’s for damn sure. We’ve had our ups and downs and taken us a LONG time to get it right. I’m thankful to have my husband, I truly am. I’m sad that right now I’m at a point in my life where I spend most of my days in bed, or going from doctor to doctor, in and out of the hospital. When you get married, you sign up for that better or worse, in sickness and in health thing, and trust me, I’ve been through a LOT of that better or worse, and right now, we’re going through the in sickness and in health thing. You go through a LOT when you’re married. Not all marriages are like mine by any means. Some are SO much better, some are SO much worse, some are right in the middle. If it weren’t for me being so sick, we’d be in such a great place. We’d be broke as hell, but in a great place, none the less. The older you get, the more you realize money is nice. You need it pay the bills, eat, all that jazz, but you don’t need the material things half as much as you do the people you love. Focus on loving you, FIRST. THEN, worry about getting married. I promise you, you can STILL have that kick ass GORGEOUS wedding at age 30, OR 40. And God forbid you’re worried about your dress, buy it now and put it back. I’m not one who is ever opposed to planning ahead.

Alright, Mama Hen’s hip is hurting, so I’m gonna have to get my old ass up and walk. I love ya’ll. I wanted to share some of my words of wisdom for the New Year with my chicks. My inbox is open, but it might take me a few days here and there to reply. My health isn’t the greatest, so depending upon the day I may or may not be on. I hope at least you gained some of the insight that I wished someone had given me 20 years ago.

Love,

--Mama Hen

#Mama Hen #Words of Wisdom #1999 #Advice

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kiwischange · 4 years

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Hello Change - How I got to my decision.

I am making this blog to motivate me and to keep me going when the challenge is too much. I need to see my progress and thrive by reminiscing on my achievements.

Before I get into my daily updates and achievements, if anyone stumbles upon this blog, Hi, I’m Molly, I’m a 21-year-old student from Manchester/Lancashire and I am here to give you the 411 to why I have decided to, a) lose weight and b) have a dramatic lifestyle change. Also if you know me reading this, please try not to cringe at my ‘thinking people would actually read this’ way of typing. I find it easier to type and tell my story as though I am speaking to someone, so please be kind to me.

SO! The change... let's go back to June 2016, the smallest I’ve ever been. I was 17 years old, had a part-time(pretty much full time) job as a waitress. I was barely eating due to my busy schedule of WORK and COLLEGE but I drank sooooooo much water, like the water bottle I would take with me to work and college was an 800ml VOSS water bottle and I filled it up at least eight to nine times a day. I was about 47-50kg. OH, forgot to mention, I am 5″1.

Then at the end of July, I quit my job, I hated it and I definitely wasn’t appreciated. Also, I and my partner I had booked to go to Florida for the first time in August and I was going to Plymouth University with him in September, so work was the last thing on my mind.

So the holiday was amazing, I gained a little weight but nothing major, weighing in about 49-51kg. Then I packed my bags and went to Plymouth... This is where things start to get messy.

So I moved to Plymouth with my partner, we stayed in different accommodations but I pretty much stayed in his room every night. So I started Uni, long story short I absolutely hated it, I had no money because I couldn’t get a job down south and all my money was going into my accommodation, I missed my family like CRAZY as my little sister was only 2 and I was terrified she would forget who I am, and the course wasn’t for me. All of these things combined sent me into a spiral of depression and you can guess what happened next... I used food as comfort. I overate massives amounts of food, I wouldn’t leave my boyfriend's dorm room for weeks, I skipped university a lot and I stay awake till five in the morning and sleep till 3pm the next day. You see, you could say my boyfriend should have helped me get out of it, he tried really hard and failed. I would eat behind his back, overeat when he went into uni, I’d be nasty and shout at him if he even tried to ‘challenge’ me but he also didn’t want to upset me any more than I already was.

The year went by and we both agreed Plymouth wasn’t for us. We both left our degrees to start fresh back home but I was bringing my biggest problem with me... my weight gain. In a little less than a year, I went from being 50kg to being 90kg!! I was extremely overweight and hated myself for it. When I got home my mum realized that that was a ridiculous amount of weight to gain in 9-10 months, so she took me to the doctors. After a few tests and an ultrasound scan on my pelvis, I was diagnosed with PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (if you don’t know what it is, google it, this story is already long enough, lol). So in July 2017, I started to lose weight, I got down to 80kg in two months due to water weight and restricting my food portions. I then went on holiday, in September and that is where my weight loss can to a halt... for three years. I have been stagnating, gaining and losing but mainly maintaining for three whole years.

You would think that me maintaining for so long would be the kick up the bum I needed but nope. In March 2019 I had my last normal-ish period. From April to October, I didn’t bleed once. Then at the end of October, I started streaking, I was on and off streaking from the end of October to mid-Decemeber. After this I started to bleed really heavy, it is the 10th of January 2020 and I only stopped heavy bleeding one day ago.

I visited my doctor (back in August) and he basically blamed me for my weight which made me cry, really bad. After calming me down he offered for me to go see a gynecologist(which I should have been referred to years ago). My visit was short but very effective, she referred me to a dietitian and sent me to get a colposcopy just to make sure everything was okay. My Colposcopy was on the 12th of December, it was a very traumatic experience and very uncomfortable but I was just glad to have been referred. So this is my reasoning to shift the weight, she told me that the build-up of my periods had caused abnormal cells to form. She told me not to worry as she didn’t think it was anything serious but she took a smear and a biopsy of my cervix for further testing. She then offered me to get the cells blasted which she told me could cause more problems so I said no as she told me previously these cells go away on their own in most cases.

After doing my own research, I wish so badly I had taken her offer to get the cells removed, which is why losing weight is so important to me now. I do not want a repeat of this again because it has been HELL and if it is anything serious I can be a stronger fighter(It apparently takes six weeks to get your results back so I still haven't received them or had my appointment with my dietitian, it’s on the 15th of January). Anyway, after tears and tantrums to all my problems, I read that weight loss is the only solution to the problem so here I am.

Sorry, that was sooooo long, urgh, my exhausted from typing it and that was the briefest version I could give!

So today is Day 3 of my diet, I only decided today I wanted to make a blog just for my own motivation and also, to tell my story for anyone else suffering PCOS trying to just live a healthy life.

Thank you for listening, here’s to a longer, healthier, HAPPIER life! x

#weightloss #newstart #weight #loss #journal

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